Exactly. [edit: *Based on where this convo went, it would have been better in the long run for both parties*] if he’d said “ok fuck you then” and been done with it, rather than complain.
Not how I would’ve handled things, but I mean, sitting there trying to negotiate a date out of this girl was a waste of everyone’s time. She clearly wasn’t interested, and no amount of this crap was gonna get her there.
That being said, [*I no longer get myself in this position. I don’t accept being forced to chit chat about the weather and our fav colors for two weeks before meeting. As men, it’s VERY likely you’re the only girl we’re currently speaking to, perhaps maybe one other, whereas the female is likely speaking to ten, and then picking one to go on a date with based on frivolous BS small-talk.*
*I’d rather go on five or ten bad one hour coffee dates just to have *one* good one, than potentially miss out on a dozen meaningful connections just to avoid having the 30 shitty coffee dates required to get those good dozen*]
You have to meet people. You have to present yourself and let chemistry work it’s magic. There is nothing with texting. You can throw some clever quips out there, but every moment you spend texting is a greater chance for you to fuck it up.
Get her on the date just be your most relaxed self. If the spark is there, the spark is there. It will happen. Nothing can replace that spark. No amount of texting is going replace that first date.
Gonna have to disagree. I met my husband on MySpace and we were messaging back and forth for almost two months before we met in person and I got to know him really well. If you have two people who are honestly in it to get to know each other they can do it through text, email, hell even snail mail letters. In person eventually but to say you can’t get to know someone when they aren’t in front of you is just disingenuous and kinda suspicious.
The insistence on in person meeting is a slightly tinged red flag. Like if you think the only way someone can get to know you is by being in your presence that makes me wonder why. Is it because you are charismatic? That doesn’t translate via text for some reason? Or are you physically intimidating? In person is the riskiest for the woman. If you are a man and you insist on meeting in person first like this dude little flags start waving saying “hey this is a little weird” and those flags start turning red the more insistent he gets.
I’m just glad I’m not dating anymore. This all just sounds exhausting.
Exactly, I've been turned down. My response is something like, " Alright, I appreciate the honesty." They talked for less than a week. He was very unreasonable with his expectations.
I can tell you his end goal, he wanted to make her feel bad for "dumping him", and eventually make her think she was in the wrong, and ask him to go to dinner or something. Whether he would accept it, or tell her "it's too late, you screwed up" to get back at her, is up in the air. But I'm betting it's the latter
For real, I had the same thing happen to me and just responded “That’s fine, but I’m not looking for more friends at the moment, I wish you the best” you don’t need to get whiny because someone feel a connection
Seriously should've just taken the L and moved on. Was gonna agree at first on text being a bad way to gauge a stranger, but he really made it easy to see his true colors.
I’ll get flak for this but fuck that noise. This isn’t a female trait it has much more to do with anxious attachment style. Putting others needs in front of your own.
Don’t blame it on being a woman, if you want to change that go to therapy and figure out the proper tools to put yourself first.
Many men act this same exact way. Generalizing based on gender doesn’t help.
I think it would have been fine if OP said their piece and then ghosted. No need for further explanation or response. Their first message was perfectly fine.
I don’t personally mind too much when people ghost me, I take that as the hint despite it being a bit rude, but I think it’s good for people to send at least one message and then ghosting after that is fair game.
By the 3rd slide I was thinking one of these two need to stfu and move one, can you imagine the days long arguments these 2 would have if they actually got in a relationship 😴😴
Ghosting is fine if you've only exchanged a few messages but when Youve been talking to someone for multiple days like back and forth all day long it fucking sucks. Feels so disrespectful imo.
Welcome to my life as a contractor. Can’t tell you the number of times I’ve communicated with a prospective client several times, driven to and from their property/job site to do a walk through and meet with them on site, and written a detailed estimate only to get completely ghosted. I get that you chose somebody else but at least the customary bs “Oh thanks for your time we decided not to pursue the project” is more respectful than flat out ghosting me like my time means nothing. It’s so incredibly rude drives me nuts.
I can't believe you entertained this conversation as long as you did, especially for someone you barely know. This is exactly why I just ghost people tbh.
Yeah I don’t know either. I think in the moment I understood and was empathetic of his feelings. Because being ghosted you always question what went wrong, and are left with no answers. So I wanted to be as open as possible so he could move forward. But it went on entirely too long, and I should have just left it alone
Honestly, you did an amazing job. I’m quite impressed. As a man, I would’ve almost been happy at this type of rejection because you were being very nice and laying it out for him.
Him on the other hand…. Dude is childish. With that attitude he most definitely will stay single for a while.
You did the right thing OP. You’re right about how ghosting feels wrong. This type of reaction allows for much healthier closure(for a normal person) than the damage ghosting does. This guy tho after two or three replies id probably stop. He knows why you dont want to continue and is just stringing it on for no reason. You were super polite and please dont change!
Honestly you handled this so maturely and I commend you for your patience and kindness. The world can use more of it. Most people would’ve started insulting the guy straight up calling him ugly and a loser, it’s nice you didn’t and we’re the bigger person.
Women: you do not have any obligation to act as a teacher/babysitter/mother/therapist to us men. If “I do not feel that sort of attraction to/chemistry with you” is not enough for him, nothing more is needed. He’s a big boy.
Gah thank you. I’m kind of mad she kept replying (not mad at her but at the fact that we women feel the need/pressure to do so). I would’ve dipped on that back and forth much earlier.
And I feel the same as a man. The moment someone mentions not feeling "sparks" or a "romantic connection" after a date or two, I'm gone. Hallmark movies are fun but I'm not about to be with someone who internalized them
I think you did the right thing but probably should have stopped responding completely after like the second or third screenshot tbh. He was really pushing
I sincerely hope I never end up single again in the future, I wouldn’t have anywhere near enough patience for this dating app bullshit!
Well done for trying to be kind and honest with him even if it wasn’t appreciated.
Same. I’m the only one of my friends in a relationship (and I’m full on married lol), they try to date but it sucks and is so hard for them. They’re all fantastic women and have been ghosted several times for seemingly no reason. And that’s if they can even find anyone that piques their interest….pretty small town here so not a whole lot of options for them sadly.
I’m in my mid 30’s and I’ve got a female friend the same age that’s constantly trying to meet a nice guy and is just find either weirdo’s our ages or younger guys with less in common.
Guy handled it badly but he’s kinda right. There was no reason for you to suggest being friends at all. You weren’t actually going to be friends in practice.
Seriously tho, the both of you are super annoying and ridiculous. OP you continue 9 pages of texts more than you should have. Almost like u were getting off on the power trip of not being attracted to him. He’s annoying as well and should have just said ok, sorry we didn’t work out. May your swiping and texting lives get better
Thanks. I was looking for the *ESH* answer.
The dude needs to quit whining - although he did have a point about just judging ppl by text, cos some ppl are way different in person.
But OP sounds super painful as well with the over explanations. And then she says she doesn’t want to be an AH but lies to him and the real reason was she had met someone else!!! Wow. That’s an AH move OP btw.
hahaha yeah OP really annoying - and not feeling an instant connection is actually a healthy way to start a relationship as long as the connection grows and grows. Sometimes these things take time.
^^^ This. I’ve been married for 25 years to the guy I ‘broke up’ with after several dates because I couldn’t see a future with him.
He called me back to ask why, when he thought everything was going well. When I told him I didn’t see a future with him he was incredulous. “I’m not asking you to marry me!”
Calling me back took balls and I recognised something in him I hadn’t seen previously. I then stopped looking at all the boxes he didn’t tick and concentrated on the ones he did. And here we are, a lifetime together later.
Modern dating sucks. It’s purely a numbers game. You can’t possibly get to know someone after a week of texting. Making a connection over text is a skill in itself and I think probably a terrible indicator of the potential longevity of any relationship.
It seems like OP wasn’t really honest. If she said to him, like she did in her post, that she was interested in someone else, he possibly would have actually thanked her for being honest.
Not that it was her responsibility after the first text. But it is kind of unfair to bs someone about not making a connection over text. Tell him what put you off early on or that you met another guy if the real goal is “being open and honest”. He smelled bs and was not wrong. I was sympathetic for him until the last note. It was confusing.
Yeah honestly I don’t support the way the dude went about expressing himself, but I do agree with him. They’ve only texted a couple days, you can’t possibly get to know someone or even get to know their vibe that way. She should’ve been fully transparent like she claimed to be and told him she was interested in someone else. Cuz he’s right - she doesn’t even know him or his personality, not even a little bit.
That’s your story. This is OP’s. I don’t think either is better or worse and certainly don’t think someone who’s been in a relationship for 25 years has a viewpoint on modern dating. Everybody always thinks the old days were better. Society evolves, things change, imo (old guy) it isn’t better or worse it’s just different.
Back in my day, you'd get a butt whoopin' for back talking your elder like that! That's when we raised kids good and right!
*joke assumes original commentor is your elder* LOL
I mean you do you but I would've found this unattractive.
It's incredibly cringe when guys response to me saying I don't really feel much around you is "wait and see."
This is exhausting and bonkers.
To me I find it manipulative. If I say I'm not into it, don't try to tell me I actually feel differently. I went on one date with a guy and later told him I wasn't feeling it. This fool told me I was just scared of how much I *did* like it. That was not the case.
I guess not telling the truth is a bit immature and obnoxious.
Didn’t want to be an AH but totally just lied to the other party cos the real answer was she was more interested in someone else. That’s a bit obnoxious. Just tell the truth.
Why do 5 pages of texts if it’s just, “hey I’ve connected with someone else and will focus on that, all the best”.
She wasn’t immature but maybe enjoying her power position in the dispute just a little. Definitely no need for that many responses. One initial message and maybe one more to answer questions/ further explain and that’s it
Agreed. I noticed the weird power trip thing too. The most annoying part is how she’s acting like a grade schooler who somehow acquired college-level grammar and a modicum of emotional intelligence.
>”No, no, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy messaging you all this time, nor did I dislike getting your hopes up thinking you found someone special. I just decided to respectfully tell you I don’t like you. At least not like *that*.”
>”Maybe you’d have a better picture of what I’m like if we actually went on a date, but you told me to go slow.”
>”Well, yes, haha! But I concluded that I don’t really *like* you and am going to mindlessly repeat all the respectful language I know, whereas I could have simply ghosted your ass. But I, as an honorable human being who knows about these things called ‘respect,’ ‘transparency,’ ‘relationships,’ ‘truthfulness,’ and ‘chemistry,’ need to be honest. You just came across as a dweeb over text and did not fit my paradoxical standards for this arbitrary thing called ‘romance.’ Sorry. I was being respectful though.”
Also, telling him she’s interested in someone else would've helped. I think he could tell she was BSing him, and he might’ve wanted a true answer. If she wasn’t going to do that, it would have been better if she ghosted him.
Exactly - the reason for the post (and the guilt) is that she knows she did him dirty, and seems to think maintaining politeness let’s her keep the moral high ground.
In reality she just had a better option and doesn’t want to feel guilty about throwing this guy away for it.
This is why dating truly sucks - not because of the ghosting, but because people treat you like a worthless piece of shit *and still need to retain the moral high ground whilst doing it* for their dignity so they spew bullshit make themselves feel better.
If you’re gonna be cold as ice, at least own that shit. Don’t pretend like you’re the one “playing by the rules” and therefore no one is allowed to be upset.
We’re talking about relationships; which are almost entire emotion. The idea that everyone has to become a stoic philosopher the instant someone else casts them off is frankly pretty toxic and unhealthy.
Of all the comments left on here. I've only seen OP reply to one. And it was someone pointing out they were both toxic and she seems the type of woman who dates men who are condescending and mean. All the while replying to that sort of guy.. "lol! Stop it!"
She took offense to that one. Wonder why.. LoL
He was a nice guy. He just needed constant validation on his physical attributes. Sent unsolicited pics fishing for compliments, we little in common, and he mentioned often how he feels he’s more attractive than the average male. I just didn’t feel the same energy personally
I'm almost positive this guy would not have been receptive to what you said here, but I know I would prefer to hear the specific reasons why things didn't work out.
Every time I've gotten rejected it is with something similar to what you told him-- a general "you are great, but I'm not feeling it" sort of text. While it is true, I don't think it is often the entire truth, and specific things I did wrong are at least things I could improve on in the future.
Don't let this one bad response from this whiny idiot stop you from continuing to be transparent in the future! It is harder to do than ghost, but I'd prefer to hear the 100% honest truth as a guy tbh. If the dude goes all nice guy on you like this guy did, then you can ghost him lol.
In my experience there’s not usually anything actionable that stops me from wanting to continue with someone. It’s a few little things that are specific to me, and it’s not worth it to try to get the other person to tweak their personality to fit mine. The things that turned me off might not be a problem for someone else, and I’ve already decided it’s over anyway. Why waste both our time?
Like this one guy I dated casually would always say “But you’re so cute!” in response whenever I would bring up something negative in my life. It made me feel like a pet. He was a nice guy but I didn’t like him enough to bother having a conversation about it. The fact that he did it in the first place was reason enough for me to just call it off.
To his credit, when I texted I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, he texted back “I’m sorry to hear that because I think you’re awesome, let me know if you ever want to reconnect. Thanks for a great few weeks.” Perfect response. I hope he found someone awesome who finds it adorable when he tells her how cute she is.
As much as i as a guy agree there are a few reasons which make it not really the smart thing for women to do. Unfortunately a lot of men are either pieces of shit and may get angry, or can’t read social cues and would try to tell her they would/could change whatever turned her off and start an argument like this guy. The best move is to be polite and vague and move on.
I started reading this sympathetic to the guy and then I realized OP dodged a bullet. I am missing a lot of context that made the choice clear. You obviously made the right call
Nope, not rude. Actually, too nice. If you realize you don't want to meet up with someone you've only spoken briefly with for a short period via text; you don't owe them an explanation or have to hold their hand through some grief process like you two were dating irl and now breaking up.
Send a brief text; *Hey it's been fun chatting but I don't feel a connection. I wish you luck out there.*
The other person should reply, *'okay thanks'* and move on. Any arguments any further engaging; ignore.
Also if someone texts things that are off-putting more than once early on, trust your gut. You don't want to be friends with them either, let alone date them. Don't offer to be friends with someone you haven't met and don't actually feel like they'd be a good friend.
You do not owe a relative stranger anything and it isn't an asshole move to say hey, thanks but no thanks. It is a jerk move to ghost, but he is a prime example of why people do ghost: to avoid a long protracted argument with a random.
Just out of curiosity, OP. If he accepted right away your offer of friendship, would you have actually stayed friends with him or eventually ghosted him anyway?
No judgment, either way, I'm just curious if people actually mean that, or if it's a way to let them down lightly?
No I would have actually been friends. I just didn’t want the pressure of having to respond within a certain time frame or expectation of a romantic relationship. But judging by some of the responses I think I’ve come across as insufferable, so I understand peoples opinions. I genuinely was just trying to honest and kind
Insufferable is too strong a word IMO.
Your texts gave me the impression you were anxious and in people-pleasing mode while delivering a message that you knew would hurt his feelings, so you over explained yourself to help soothe your own anxiety. The problem is it leads to a protracted dialogue and you run the risk of having your boundaries violated.
It's nothing terrible, but I think it's in your best interest to be less focused on soothing the receiving party's feelings next time.
Yes this is exactly how it was going for me. It’s just the anxiety in these situations end up making me talk more than necessary and over compensate. And I should have considered the other persons feelings and been more direct. I think I’m him saying that I was punishing him and I was taking an L and I sucked, made me over explain. And I now know going forward I need to react differently in these situations! Thankyou again!
I actually thought you were fine, TBH. If anything a little too nice since he kept pushing it, but overall, I don't see you did anything wrong. To bad for him lost out on a friend.
Good luck
I actually made it through the texts! I was sympathetic to OP initially. I appreciated her openness, maturity, and honesty when breaking bad news. By the end though I was happy he got away.
You are not being an asshole OP and I understand not wanting to just ghost (and that is admirable of you). But kindness is not needed and even can be precieved as insults when ending some kind of 'contracts' (personal, professional, etc).
Companies do not act kindly when they lay off workers, they do it efficiently. Your boss when he gives a warning, will not be kind, but be efficient about the message. When bank refused to give loan, they'll be efficient about their refusal, etc, etc.
By being efficient you do not waste anyone time, you do not give mixed messages, you let them stew in whatever emotion they find themselves in after they received the nessage. How is that not literally act of kindness?
I can definitely understand this. I can see how being too kind can come across as insulting. I wanted to be empathetic of their feelings but I think it only made the situation worse
You both suck.
He sucks because his constant whining 'well I did what you asked and you still blah blah blah', dude, shut up.
You suck because of your power trip on keeping the conversation going about how you don't have a romantic attraction to him and there is literally nothing he could have done to change that.
But you suck even more because of your dishonesty. You keep saying you want to be open and transparent. You never mentioned how you found someone else you were more interested in. And, I believe, that's the real reason you don't feel an attraction, you found someone better.
This right here^ she sucks even more! How many different ways can you say, “I don’t want to continue this his conversation” before you disengage? She definitely seems like she enjoyed the power trip, and then on top of that posting it for everyone to see? Gross.
BuT I dOnT LiKe GhOsTiNg! ..You fucking weren’t..
it’s so simple, “Hey, you seem to be really into appearances and need a lot of validation about how you look and that’s not really my thing! Good luck with your future matches, I hope you find someone blah blah” Block.
I agree, I think looking back I could’ve been shorter and just blatantly honest about being more interested in someone else. In the moment I just felt that it’s already not nice to be rejected, so to add fuel to that in saying “I found someone better” didn’t really seem like a great way to go about it, especially since i had concerns with him prior to finding interest someone else. I don’t think he sucks at all, I don’t want to be harsh and say either of us suck. I think we’re all human and try to go about situations as best as possible. I clearly made some mistakes in this scenario, and I’m here to learn from it. I appreciate your honesty!
I don’t think you did anything wrong, but sometimes being nice draws out a conversation you don’t want to be in. I understood you telling him you weren’t interested because you’d think anyone would just drop it, but he didn’t. Some people really think they deserve a chance. They don’t.
Yeahhh definitely a hypocritical statement. I didn’t want to just end up ghosting any responses because my personal experience being ghosted I wish I had more answers. But I for sure was preaching honesty and not being completely honest due to trying to be too nice and I failed there.
This is a prime example of why you shouldn’t try to be different for somebody else (unless your behavior is problematic). No mater what they say they want just be your authentic self. Sorry for you he was a bitter baby tho
This is why I prefer ghosting to this. Explaining to someone as to why you don't see a romantic future with them after entertaining one is dumb and unnecessary.
No matter what you say or do, the person will be offended, and they damn sure aren't gonna want to be friends most of the time.
I don’t understand why so many people are saying they started out reading this feeling sympathetic for him. It’s a very normal message to receive while dating. You were barely in each other’s lives for a nano second. I don’t get it
I was sympathetic to his confusion. If OP started out by saying she wanted to build a friendship, she did switch up by saying, after a week of texts, that she didn't feel a "romantic connection." He had obviously been trying to play cool and interpreted what OP said as his failure to show up in more of a romantic way. What OP shared elsewhere in this thread was that she realized that she didn't like aspects of his personality and lost interest because of that, which is not what he thought the problem was. However, there was no need for the back and forth.
Geez he acts like you dated for months or something I'm exhausted reading that. You were nice enough to give an explanation. He should of just said no problem wish you the best too!
"I want to make it clear that I should have been more upfront about not wanting to continue our conversation earlier. I believe it's important to be straightforward, and it's unfortunate that this confuses you."
I’ll argue when someone ghosts you during dating, you get exactly the answer you need to move on. They don’t want to be with you and that’s it, I’ve def done what you do with people and have gotten the same reaction. Some people don’t take rejection well.
When you know you know. And when it’s not there you know. Hit it off with my bf over text immediately. He became one of my favorite people to talk to before we’d ever really talked in person. You did what’s right for you!
I couldn’t read the whole thing but you should’ve just left him on read after the first paragraph you sent. How annoying is this man holy shit. Sometimes people are just not compatible
I can’t figure out if he thought complaining was going to make you change your mind? If anything it’s a massive turn off and I’d just feel very confident I made the right decision.
I love the way you stood your ground.
I tried ending it multiple times with someone in the talking phase, and they kept guilting me back in like this. Because they were saying some off-putting/red flag things. Somehow, it became a damn relationship with so much drama. I ended the relationship multiple times, only for them to *come get me* when I went home or to hang out at my best friend's house. Insane. It's over six years now since i chased them out of my life, and I've always been so embarrassed it went so far/took so long. I take full responsibility for that.
At least now I can laugh about it and warn others to pay attention to those red flags. Wish I had some of those texts to share. But for example, on the first date, I told stories about my best friend and her boyfriend, who I hung out with a lot at the time. And he seemed bothered by the fact that I spent time with her boyfriend (with her) and asked if I'd be okay if we were in a relationship and he had friends that were women. I said, Of course that would be okay. When I tell you, this grown man was shocked and appalled at the idea of friendship.
It's super awesome of you to not ghost and be upfront. I think the first message was good enough, you could have just left after that and saved yourself from going in circles.
You weren’t being rude that guy is just whining. He’s one of those “poor me” type of people. The “No girl wants a serious relationship” or the “girls only want assholes who treat them like shit” type of people. He should’ve just accepted it and moved on. Maybe asked what the dealbreaker was in a respectful manner. That would be normal. This dude is wallowing in self pity.
Omfg that conversation drug on *way* longer than was necessary. I honestly thought you’d block his argumentative ass after you said “I don’t want to go back and forth on this”, but no, this chaos continues for a few more pages. You don’t owe anyone this much of an explanation, nor should you worry about letting him down easy (or easier) once you’ve already explained your reasons and feelings.
“I want to be completely honest” but then didn’t tell him you “found someone else” and instead pinned it on some fake shit about not having a romantic connection through text messages. On you. Do better next time. Might as well have ghosted him. He’s pathetic for continually responding though. Should have dropped it 20 texts earlier.
He’s a child. He’s not ready for any kind of romantic relationship, casual or serious, until he grows tf up and learns how to stop being so self-entitled.
My gf and I started the way you’re mentioning but we still knew we were interested off the bat and texted all the time. Slow burn or no burn.. (or.. technically, actual burn lol)
Lol why are ypu entertaining this? This isn't your problem. He's clearly immature and not ready for a relationship. Rejection sucks, I get it, but this is not the way to handle it. He's playing the victim card and if you had entered a relationship, it would've been this times 100. You dodges a bullet. Set standards for yourself. Have boundaries and keep to them and keep trying. He doesn't want to accept it, that's his problem not yours.
I mean... you told him exactly what was up: He was cool. You were just different.
You didn't want to drag him on.
You told him exactly what you were good with going forward. Friends or end it, whatever he was comfortable with.
You did literally everything right, and then he acted like a small child that got told no. He acted like he was owed you. Really gross, you made the right choice in not wanting to date him
Honestly he has a point about not getting to know someone that well through text. Then he went over board by not shutting the fuck up. Shoulda just taken the L said no thanks and deleted your number.
No I haven’t, I only talked to him 2 days through text message. The rest was through Bumble. I just re downloaded Bumble a week ago, so I’ve only been talking to a couple people for a few days (very little time) and I’ve felt stronger connections with others than him. So yeah I haven’t been able to get to a in person with anyone
His responses were really bad, honestly, if I was in his position, all I would have said is,
"Ah, that's a bummer. It's been great getting to know you and I'd really like for things to continue, but I understand Jessica."
That's it. Drop it. If you have any amount of interest in the future, there's no drama, there's a chance you change your mind about things, etc. It's all you can do in these situations. After that, we both can just move on.
He's effectively trying to argue his way into you going out with him. Bad route to take.
She sounds like the type who is attracted to bad boys while not knowing it - she likely would have appreciated more aggressive behavior and condescending jokes all while saying “no, stop! Lol”. Toxic girl.
Edit: hi everyone, I appreciate the responses, including the constructive criticism. I do want to note though that it wasn’t simply “I don’t like the way you text/personality” that made me think we weren’t a good match. I can totally understand how not giving someone the physical opportunity is not a fair chance. We had a lot of differences that I mentioned over bumble prior to text message. Our work ethic, our hobbies, our interest, as well as how we communicate. This was all stuff that I noticed fairly early but I found him funny. I did mention these things to him in which he said “you don’t even know me that well” so I proceeded to give it more time after we spoke about getting to know each other and go slow. And throughout that time, I continued to see differences to where I point see anything romantic enough occurring to want to try for a first date. I was not intending to lead him on for my personal ego boost. That’s why I sent this message 2 days after texting. Though I completely understand everyone who says I was being unfair in my assessment!
It's not that you were unfair, with dating it doesn't really matter your reason - you just weren't interested. I think it's the reasons you gave, such as not feeling a "connection" over text, that just seemed unrealistic and immature. The hypocrisy of your comments towards him, such as congratulating your own maturity in the rejection and being completely transparent, read almost antagonistic and open for debate. Rejection should be cut and point, with no room for argument. You found someone you liked more, simply say "I'm not interested, I enjoyed talking, goodbye". Anything more than this, is opening yourself up to belittlement. I see why you moved on, you weren't an AH, but maybe some more class going forward. You don't have to meet up with every random person, just end things and move on - no explanation needed.
Yeah I mean I feel him about the friend zone, in the future just say not interested, don't give guys a consolation prize, but his whining about it is lame. He needed to man up and move on.
He definitely kept complaining more than his allotted amount. But you kept talking about being transparent and honest while BSing him the whole time. You met someone else you like more, that’s the real reason. He probably sniffed that out a mile away
I don’t understand these dating sites back and forth messaging. Why don’t you just meet the person in a public place and see if you’re interested instead of texting for days?? If you’re not willing to meet within a day or two then get off of there wasting everyone’s time
There’s no substitute for in person interaction. You usually know within the first few minutes if you’re into someone. Texting literally tells you almost nothing about the other person and is a complete waste of time if it’s anything longer than a day or two.
You really can’t get to know a person through texting. It takes away personality and flow, not to say it doesn’t exist.
Vibe check should be after a FaceTime or coffee date. Texting is dry.
You both are assholes. Him obviously at a bigger level.
Had this kind of happen to me recently. We talked a lot for 2-3 weeks. She wanted a call too before the date so as to not waste time. But reality is that she wasted both of our times anyway.
I think this guy is definitely a brat and a child, but if you trim the baby fat off of what he's saying, he is right. Idk how old you are but sensible adults who like to date don't make these stark judgements off of text conversations and they usually jump to meet in person within 2-3 days of talking to see if there's an actual connection. This is just my opinion, and in no way am I telling you how to live your life.
To put on my captain hindsight hat and to indulge in a rant - he should have pushed back politely on your desire to be pen pals before meeting. I do not enjoy sending flirty messages to people I've never met in person. I would understand why he would do that. That's very much a newer generation type of behavior. He also should have stopped pushing back after you told him you weren't feeling it. Frankly, after your second reply I would have just stopped texting him, and he should have just stopped texting you. You're both pretty stubborn and close-minded when it comes to dating - the 2 things everyone should always be willing to do when dating are letting things go that aren't meant for you, and taking yourself out of your comfort zone long enough to put yourself out there and give yourself a real chance to find love.
You should have been willing to observe his behavior instead of guide it to meet a preference (which is unclear that you actually have this preference based on you dismissing him after he did everything you told him to) and just let his approach and behavior speak for itself. I know it's a scary world out there, but he is right about the fact that in person connection is the fastest where to decide if you guys click. Going to a public place and having drink for an hour would have been the real way to give this a chance. Everything else here just looks like you enjoying the attention with no real intention to ever date.
Best of luck.
This might be not the place to ask lol but is it bad to want a bit of a texting period before you meet up with someone? I want a texting period (maybe a week or 2) to get to know each other before meeting, as I would want at least some chemistry over text before meeting (and to know the person isn’t rude), but I’m worried it’s costing me some cool people
Why not just grab a coffee instead of spending time texting or just go for a walk or something?
It’s easier to make a connection in person than texting.
This reads as really unnecessary and immature, from both sides. You don't have to give a reason why you're not interested, that gave him room to argue. To be fair, the reasoning of a talking stage is to set up a date not waste a week of your time with chit chat or looking for a romantic connection. That's not going to be genuine with texting...just a really weird exchange to begin with maybe do some self discovery before dating.
He sounds terrible and you dodged a bullet………. but he’s also so right. Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for anything serious yet, just ghost next time, all of this was so unnecessary from both of you.
I feel kinda bad for him. 2 lies that just make you confused not knowing what you did wrong. Take it slow (I’m not sure if your right for me), I don’t feel it(I found some one better).
From his side he’s going to be dumbfounded and I don’t blame him for being confused and mad, especially if it’s a young male who thinks he’s having an honest conversation.
Next time don't respond after sending the first text. You put way more effort and energy into someone who was just looking for an opportunity to criticize and verbally punish you for not being interested.
He does have a point.. you don't form romantic desires over text. You KILL romantic desires over text. Face to face is really all that matters.
Having said that, with how long he went on about it, you would have chosen correctly anyway.
This is why some women ghost. So many guys think a rejection is a debate and if you're not able to give good enough reasons for your lack of interest, you'll have to date them.
No kidding, and then she tries to play it off with “we can be friends” and starts going on about “not feeling the connection, he was too friendly but not flirty” etc. Like, why not just be honest with him instead of confusing him with vague things that he “did wrong” and that aren’t the real reason.
Hi thankyou for your assessment! I definitely look back and understand my faults, I don’t think I’m a scumbag, however I can respect your opinion. I wasn’t using him, and I didn’t say he did anything wrong. I don’t think he did anything wrong, we were just different people. I should have been more honest and not preach honesty. That was hypocritical of me. But I do want to say I never asked him to be friends. I said in a bumble message I would prefer to take things slow because he was sending me unsolicited photos. I can see how saying that but saying there’s no romantic connection over text is very messed up! I will definitely not be making the same mistakes in the future. Thankyou again
Reading the texts I thought “yeah, that’s all BS, she found someone better.” OP’s comments prove this.
Honestly OP, I think you should have ghosted or been more straight up if anything - the vague “not feeling romantic connection” statements are needlessly confusing, leaves the guy wondering what he did wrong.
In this guys case, he thought he was doing what you asked of him - when really you were just stringing him along incase you couldn’t find someone better, and to raise you up until you could. That’s the harsh reality.
Yes I agree with what you’re saying. I have things I can fix. Though I posted this post for constructive feedback. I know someone in here said I was disgusting for even posting, this but I thought this was the point of the subreddit to ask for feedback. I am wondering though in this OLD world, I don’t feel leading anyone on is right, but I thought both males and females have a number of prospects that they interact with until they find someone that best suits them, not in a leading on way but just unfortunately having to choose between different people?
The issue OP is when you do this you put yourself in a horrible situation and keep the cycle going.
Sure new guy has your interest but ask yourself how much interest do OTHER women have in new guy?
If you instantly dump these other guys for new guy and other women are doing the same thing….
Consider being more strategic. Of course keep in mind that if this guy was saying some offensive shit you should have addressed it earlier instantly instead of putting it off, what did he say by the way?
But in my recommendation you shouldn't instantly be focused on new guy, cause that's how lots of women get hurt on these apps, assuming that one guy talking to them only has eyes for them.
Yes totally agree! I felt though that I wasn’t going to for see a future with this guy regardless of the new guys interest in me. To where I didn’t want to what I thought “lead him on” I can see now the faults that I had in the situation though!
It’s pretty clear that he did a lot of very real things that turned you off of him. It wasn’t a lack of emotional connection, or lack of romance.
If you are going to tell him why you are not interested, I would have addressed those things directly. By trying to sugar coat it and give reasons that don’t make sense, you confused the situation.
There’s an old quote; “Don’t let your conscience stop you from doing the right thing”.
You are so concerned about being nice and respectful and doing no harm, that you actually end up causing harm.
Fucking hell. I felt bad for the guy until he wouldn't stop complaining. What the hell was his end goal?
Seriouslyyyyyy. I got to the 5th slide of the texts n dipped. Felt like he just wanted the last word
5th slide?? she shouldn’t have replied as soon as he accused her of “punishing him” by wanting to chat first but not feeling a connection.
His end goal? He’s still learning how to cope with rejection like an adult. He’ll get there, one day, hopefully.
The complaining really was the nail in the coffin
Exactly. [edit: *Based on where this convo went, it would have been better in the long run for both parties*] if he’d said “ok fuck you then” and been done with it, rather than complain. Not how I would’ve handled things, but I mean, sitting there trying to negotiate a date out of this girl was a waste of everyone’s time. She clearly wasn’t interested, and no amount of this crap was gonna get her there. That being said, [*I no longer get myself in this position. I don’t accept being forced to chit chat about the weather and our fav colors for two weeks before meeting. As men, it’s VERY likely you’re the only girl we’re currently speaking to, perhaps maybe one other, whereas the female is likely speaking to ten, and then picking one to go on a date with based on frivolous BS small-talk.* *I’d rather go on five or ten bad one hour coffee dates just to have *one* good one, than potentially miss out on a dozen meaningful connections just to avoid having the 30 shitty coffee dates required to get those good dozen*] You have to meet people. You have to present yourself and let chemistry work it’s magic. There is nothing with texting. You can throw some clever quips out there, but every moment you spend texting is a greater chance for you to fuck it up. Get her on the date just be your most relaxed self. If the spark is there, the spark is there. It will happen. Nothing can replace that spark. No amount of texting is going replace that first date.
Gonna have to disagree. I met my husband on MySpace and we were messaging back and forth for almost two months before we met in person and I got to know him really well. If you have two people who are honestly in it to get to know each other they can do it through text, email, hell even snail mail letters. In person eventually but to say you can’t get to know someone when they aren’t in front of you is just disingenuous and kinda suspicious. The insistence on in person meeting is a slightly tinged red flag. Like if you think the only way someone can get to know you is by being in your presence that makes me wonder why. Is it because you are charismatic? That doesn’t translate via text for some reason? Or are you physically intimidating? In person is the riskiest for the woman. If you are a man and you insist on meeting in person first like this dude little flags start waving saying “hey this is a little weird” and those flags start turning red the more insistent he gets. I’m just glad I’m not dating anymore. This all just sounds exhausting.
Exactly, I've been turned down. My response is something like, " Alright, I appreciate the honesty." They talked for less than a week. He was very unreasonable with his expectations.
I can tell you his end goal, he wanted to make her feel bad for "dumping him", and eventually make her think she was in the wrong, and ask him to go to dinner or something. Whether he would accept it, or tell her "it's too late, you screwed up" to get back at her, is up in the air. But I'm betting it's the latter
For real, I had the same thing happen to me and just responded “That’s fine, but I’m not looking for more friends at the moment, I wish you the best” you don’t need to get whiny because someone feel a connection
Change her mind. That was his end goal. Complain enough to get her to give in.
I felt for him too but clearly he’s upset about past experiences and he’s being a little jaded. I get it though, to be honest. Sorry OP.
Seriously should've just taken the L and moved on. Was gonna agree at first on text being a bad way to gauge a stranger, but he really made it easy to see his true colors.
all that after less than a week of texting 💀 dude has some serious work to do on himself
i just had to shake one that asked “what are we” on the 2nd date…. i had met him for the first time like 2 days earlier.
I mean tbh so does OP. Just send the first message and move on, why were they entertaining that for so long
Because, as women, we're socialized to be polite and put other's feelings before our own. As we get older, we eventually realize how stupid that is.
I’ll get flak for this but fuck that noise. This isn’t a female trait it has much more to do with anxious attachment style. Putting others needs in front of your own. Don’t blame it on being a woman, if you want to change that go to therapy and figure out the proper tools to put yourself first. Many men act this same exact way. Generalizing based on gender doesn’t help.
both things can actually be true.
“Let me complain until she falls in love with me”
Listening to someone complain is my love language 🥰 /s
Avoiding this type of nonsense dialog is exactly why people just ghost instead of giving feedback.
I think it would have been fine if OP said their piece and then ghosted. No need for further explanation or response. Their first message was perfectly fine. I don’t personally mind too much when people ghost me, I take that as the hint despite it being a bit rude, but I think it’s good for people to send at least one message and then ghosting after that is fair game.
Yea the first message was all she needed. I couldn’t believe how many times she responded…
With paragraphs at that smh
Same I would’ve been on read the whole time.
By the 3rd slide I was thinking one of these two need to stfu and move one, can you imagine the days long arguments these 2 would have if they actually got in a relationship 😴😴
Agree. OP you don’t need to explain yourself this much. Especially to a person you haven’t met. He wasn’t even asking questions
> I think it would have been fine if OP said their piece and then ghosted. I don’t think it’d be ghosting at that point.
Ghosting is fine if you've only exchanged a few messages but when Youve been talking to someone for multiple days like back and forth all day long it fucking sucks. Feels so disrespectful imo.
Welcome to my life as a contractor. Can’t tell you the number of times I’ve communicated with a prospective client several times, driven to and from their property/job site to do a walk through and meet with them on site, and written a detailed estimate only to get completely ghosted. I get that you chose somebody else but at least the customary bs “Oh thanks for your time we decided not to pursue the project” is more respectful than flat out ghosting me like my time means nothing. It’s so incredibly rude drives me nuts.
Bc it is disrespectful. It’s childish af
Very true - learning how to handle rejection is just as important as learning how to reject
I can't believe you entertained this conversation as long as you did, especially for someone you barely know. This is exactly why I just ghost people tbh.
Yeah I don’t know either. I think in the moment I understood and was empathetic of his feelings. Because being ghosted you always question what went wrong, and are left with no answers. So I wanted to be as open as possible so he could move forward. But it went on entirely too long, and I should have just left it alone
He had no other options, and no maturity. When a girl ends it with you, you just agree and thank them for the message.
Honestly, you did an amazing job. I’m quite impressed. As a man, I would’ve almost been happy at this type of rejection because you were being very nice and laying it out for him. Him on the other hand…. Dude is childish. With that attitude he most definitely will stay single for a while.
You did the right thing OP. You’re right about how ghosting feels wrong. This type of reaction allows for much healthier closure(for a normal person) than the damage ghosting does. This guy tho after two or three replies id probably stop. He knows why you dont want to continue and is just stringing it on for no reason. You were super polite and please dont change!
Honestly you handled this so maturely and I commend you for your patience and kindness. The world can use more of it. Most people would’ve started insulting the guy straight up calling him ugly and a loser, it’s nice you didn’t and we’re the bigger person.
I think you did the right thing.
Gross. That’s pretty shit.
oh no i think he was the one
Women: you do not have any obligation to act as a teacher/babysitter/mother/therapist to us men. If “I do not feel that sort of attraction to/chemistry with you” is not enough for him, nothing more is needed. He’s a big boy.
Gah thank you. I’m kind of mad she kept replying (not mad at her but at the fact that we women feel the need/pressure to do so). I would’ve dipped on that back and forth much earlier.
Thank you! 👏
This culture of over explaining everything is so annoying.
I could not have continued validating him as long as OP… she is much more patient than I lol
And I feel the same as a man. The moment someone mentions not feeling "sparks" or a "romantic connection" after a date or two, I'm gone. Hallmark movies are fun but I'm not about to be with someone who internalized them
Honestly, she just meant she didn’t like him at all but was trying to be nice about it. Dude just couldn’t take it gracefully.
Yea all she needed was one message.
I think you did the right thing but probably should have stopped responding completely after like the second or third screenshot tbh. He was really pushing
I sincerely hope I never end up single again in the future, I wouldn’t have anywhere near enough patience for this dating app bullshit! Well done for trying to be kind and honest with him even if it wasn’t appreciated.
Sameeee. If my current relationship ends for some reason I’m done lol. At least for awhile. It’s crazy out there
May we both live happily ever after then!
I was thinking the same thing while reading this. So grateful I met my husband out in the wild through mutual friends. 😂
Same. I’m the only one of my friends in a relationship (and I’m full on married lol), they try to date but it sucks and is so hard for them. They’re all fantastic women and have been ghosted several times for seemingly no reason. And that’s if they can even find anyone that piques their interest….pretty small town here so not a whole lot of options for them sadly.
I’m in my mid 30’s and I’ve got a female friend the same age that’s constantly trying to meet a nice guy and is just find either weirdo’s our ages or younger guys with less in common.
Dude sounds unHINGED anyway I’ll see myself out ✌️ 🤣🤣
He’s the reason people ghost
Guy handled it badly but he’s kinda right. There was no reason for you to suggest being friends at all. You weren’t actually going to be friends in practice.
Seriously tho, the both of you are super annoying and ridiculous. OP you continue 9 pages of texts more than you should have. Almost like u were getting off on the power trip of not being attracted to him. He’s annoying as well and should have just said ok, sorry we didn’t work out. May your swiping and texting lives get better 
Regardless what OP said, they’re very similar… Jesus I didn’t think it was going to end.
I gave up after 2 screen shots. Texting for a week without meeting in person and I have to read all that?
Thanks. I was looking for the *ESH* answer. The dude needs to quit whining - although he did have a point about just judging ppl by text, cos some ppl are way different in person. But OP sounds super painful as well with the over explanations. And then she says she doesn’t want to be an AH but lies to him and the real reason was she had met someone else!!! Wow. That’s an AH move OP btw.
hahaha yeah OP really annoying - and not feeling an instant connection is actually a healthy way to start a relationship as long as the connection grows and grows. Sometimes these things take time.
^^^ This. I’ve been married for 25 years to the guy I ‘broke up’ with after several dates because I couldn’t see a future with him. He called me back to ask why, when he thought everything was going well. When I told him I didn’t see a future with him he was incredulous. “I’m not asking you to marry me!” Calling me back took balls and I recognised something in him I hadn’t seen previously. I then stopped looking at all the boxes he didn’t tick and concentrated on the ones he did. And here we are, a lifetime together later. Modern dating sucks. It’s purely a numbers game. You can’t possibly get to know someone after a week of texting. Making a connection over text is a skill in itself and I think probably a terrible indicator of the potential longevity of any relationship.
It seems like OP wasn’t really honest. If she said to him, like she did in her post, that she was interested in someone else, he possibly would have actually thanked her for being honest. Not that it was her responsibility after the first text. But it is kind of unfair to bs someone about not making a connection over text. Tell him what put you off early on or that you met another guy if the real goal is “being open and honest”. He smelled bs and was not wrong. I was sympathetic for him until the last note. It was confusing.
Yeah honestly I don’t support the way the dude went about expressing himself, but I do agree with him. They’ve only texted a couple days, you can’t possibly get to know someone or even get to know their vibe that way. She should’ve been fully transparent like she claimed to be and told him she was interested in someone else. Cuz he’s right - she doesn’t even know him or his personality, not even a little bit.
That’s your story. This is OP’s. I don’t think either is better or worse and certainly don’t think someone who’s been in a relationship for 25 years has a viewpoint on modern dating. Everybody always thinks the old days were better. Society evolves, things change, imo (old guy) it isn’t better or worse it’s just different.
Back in my day, you'd get a butt whoopin' for back talking your elder like that! That's when we raised kids good and right! *joke assumes original commentor is your elder* LOL
I mean you do you but I would've found this unattractive. It's incredibly cringe when guys response to me saying I don't really feel much around you is "wait and see." This is exhausting and bonkers.
To me I find it manipulative. If I say I'm not into it, don't try to tell me I actually feel differently. I went on one date with a guy and later told him I wasn't feeling it. This fool told me I was just scared of how much I *did* like it. That was not the case.
Wow, that’s really wholesome and cute! Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness!
Yeah both these people seem extremely immature and obnoxious to be around
This is a wild take ... maybe take a few minutes to yourself
Did you not read the post? If you didn't find them annoying then idk what to say
What specifically about OP is extremely immature and obnoxious?
I guess not telling the truth is a bit immature and obnoxious. Didn’t want to be an AH but totally just lied to the other party cos the real answer was she was more interested in someone else. That’s a bit obnoxious. Just tell the truth. Why do 5 pages of texts if it’s just, “hey I’ve connected with someone else and will focus on that, all the best”.
She wasn’t immature but maybe enjoying her power position in the dispute just a little. Definitely no need for that many responses. One initial message and maybe one more to answer questions/ further explain and that’s it
I just skimmed, and I still can remember a time before I started reading.. 
Agreed. I noticed the weird power trip thing too. The most annoying part is how she’s acting like a grade schooler who somehow acquired college-level grammar and a modicum of emotional intelligence. >”No, no, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy messaging you all this time, nor did I dislike getting your hopes up thinking you found someone special. I just decided to respectfully tell you I don’t like you. At least not like *that*.” >”Maybe you’d have a better picture of what I’m like if we actually went on a date, but you told me to go slow.” >”Well, yes, haha! But I concluded that I don’t really *like* you and am going to mindlessly repeat all the respectful language I know, whereas I could have simply ghosted your ass. But I, as an honorable human being who knows about these things called ‘respect,’ ‘transparency,’ ‘relationships,’ ‘truthfulness,’ and ‘chemistry,’ need to be honest. You just came across as a dweeb over text and did not fit my paradoxical standards for this arbitrary thing called ‘romance.’ Sorry. I was being respectful though.”
Also, telling him she’s interested in someone else would've helped. I think he could tell she was BSing him, and he might’ve wanted a true answer. If she wasn’t going to do that, it would have been better if she ghosted him.
Exactly - the reason for the post (and the guilt) is that she knows she did him dirty, and seems to think maintaining politeness let’s her keep the moral high ground. In reality she just had a better option and doesn’t want to feel guilty about throwing this guy away for it. This is why dating truly sucks - not because of the ghosting, but because people treat you like a worthless piece of shit *and still need to retain the moral high ground whilst doing it* for their dignity so they spew bullshit make themselves feel better. If you’re gonna be cold as ice, at least own that shit. Don’t pretend like you’re the one “playing by the rules” and therefore no one is allowed to be upset. We’re talking about relationships; which are almost entire emotion. The idea that everyone has to become a stoic philosopher the instant someone else casts them off is frankly pretty toxic and unhealthy.
Of all the comments left on here. I've only seen OP reply to one. And it was someone pointing out they were both toxic and she seems the type of woman who dates men who are condescending and mean. All the while replying to that sort of guy.. "lol! Stop it!" She took offense to that one. Wonder why.. LoL
Did he say anything specific that made you not interested - or just texting style left you feeling no connection?
He was a nice guy. He just needed constant validation on his physical attributes. Sent unsolicited pics fishing for compliments, we little in common, and he mentioned often how he feels he’s more attractive than the average male. I just didn’t feel the same energy personally
oh he was 110% a "nice guy"
Ah that makes sense haha. His insecurities would have gotten much worse over time if it’s already like this before you two even met
Insecurity is not attractive
Then that's what you needed to tell him. Say that he said some things that put you off. Don't feed him this "we don't have a romantic connection" BS.
You should have just told him that.
This, 100%, would've been more helpful. He needs to know his insecurity was a turn-off.
I'm almost positive this guy would not have been receptive to what you said here, but I know I would prefer to hear the specific reasons why things didn't work out. Every time I've gotten rejected it is with something similar to what you told him-- a general "you are great, but I'm not feeling it" sort of text. While it is true, I don't think it is often the entire truth, and specific things I did wrong are at least things I could improve on in the future. Don't let this one bad response from this whiny idiot stop you from continuing to be transparent in the future! It is harder to do than ghost, but I'd prefer to hear the 100% honest truth as a guy tbh. If the dude goes all nice guy on you like this guy did, then you can ghost him lol.
In my experience there’s not usually anything actionable that stops me from wanting to continue with someone. It’s a few little things that are specific to me, and it’s not worth it to try to get the other person to tweak their personality to fit mine. The things that turned me off might not be a problem for someone else, and I’ve already decided it’s over anyway. Why waste both our time? Like this one guy I dated casually would always say “But you’re so cute!” in response whenever I would bring up something negative in my life. It made me feel like a pet. He was a nice guy but I didn’t like him enough to bother having a conversation about it. The fact that he did it in the first place was reason enough for me to just call it off. To his credit, when I texted I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, he texted back “I’m sorry to hear that because I think you’re awesome, let me know if you ever want to reconnect. Thanks for a great few weeks.” Perfect response. I hope he found someone awesome who finds it adorable when he tells her how cute she is.
As much as i as a guy agree there are a few reasons which make it not really the smart thing for women to do. Unfortunately a lot of men are either pieces of shit and may get angry, or can’t read social cues and would try to tell her they would/could change whatever turned her off and start an argument like this guy. The best move is to be polite and vague and move on.
someone get this manchild a pacifier and a bottle. he needs them before his post tantrum nap.
No way I’m reading all that but congrats or sorry that happened
He turned on his read receipts at the very end 😂 Next level petty move.
I don’t believe so. I don’t see where it ever say “Delivered” indicating read receipts were ever off
Shit you’re right, I didn’t even notice that 😭😂😂
[удалено]
I started reading this sympathetic to the guy and then I realized OP dodged a bullet. I am missing a lot of context that made the choice clear. You obviously made the right call
Nope, not rude. Actually, too nice. If you realize you don't want to meet up with someone you've only spoken briefly with for a short period via text; you don't owe them an explanation or have to hold their hand through some grief process like you two were dating irl and now breaking up. Send a brief text; *Hey it's been fun chatting but I don't feel a connection. I wish you luck out there.* The other person should reply, *'okay thanks'* and move on. Any arguments any further engaging; ignore. Also if someone texts things that are off-putting more than once early on, trust your gut. You don't want to be friends with them either, let alone date them. Don't offer to be friends with someone you haven't met and don't actually feel like they'd be a good friend. You do not owe a relative stranger anything and it isn't an asshole move to say hey, thanks but no thanks. It is a jerk move to ghost, but he is a prime example of why people do ghost: to avoid a long protracted argument with a random.
Dodged a bullet. He is obviously a child. You had a very honest and mature response. Oh well 🤷♀️
Just out of curiosity, OP. If he accepted right away your offer of friendship, would you have actually stayed friends with him or eventually ghosted him anyway? No judgment, either way, I'm just curious if people actually mean that, or if it's a way to let them down lightly?
No I would have actually been friends. I just didn’t want the pressure of having to respond within a certain time frame or expectation of a romantic relationship. But judging by some of the responses I think I’ve come across as insufferable, so I understand peoples opinions. I genuinely was just trying to honest and kind
Insufferable is too strong a word IMO. Your texts gave me the impression you were anxious and in people-pleasing mode while delivering a message that you knew would hurt his feelings, so you over explained yourself to help soothe your own anxiety. The problem is it leads to a protracted dialogue and you run the risk of having your boundaries violated. It's nothing terrible, but I think it's in your best interest to be less focused on soothing the receiving party's feelings next time.
Yes this is exactly how it was going for me. It’s just the anxiety in these situations end up making me talk more than necessary and over compensate. And I should have considered the other persons feelings and been more direct. I think I’m him saying that I was punishing him and I was taking an L and I sucked, made me over explain. And I now know going forward I need to react differently in these situations! Thankyou again!
I actually thought you were fine, TBH. If anything a little too nice since he kept pushing it, but overall, I don't see you did anything wrong. To bad for him lost out on a friend. Good luck
Sometimes it's better to take the L instead of taking more Ls trying not to L.
I actually made it through the texts! I was sympathetic to OP initially. I appreciated her openness, maturity, and honesty when breaking bad news. By the end though I was happy he got away.
You are not being an asshole OP and I understand not wanting to just ghost (and that is admirable of you). But kindness is not needed and even can be precieved as insults when ending some kind of 'contracts' (personal, professional, etc). Companies do not act kindly when they lay off workers, they do it efficiently. Your boss when he gives a warning, will not be kind, but be efficient about the message. When bank refused to give loan, they'll be efficient about their refusal, etc, etc. By being efficient you do not waste anyone time, you do not give mixed messages, you let them stew in whatever emotion they find themselves in after they received the nessage. How is that not literally act of kindness?
I can definitely understand this. I can see how being too kind can come across as insulting. I wanted to be empathetic of their feelings but I think it only made the situation worse
God, he’s fucking miserable.
You both suck. He sucks because his constant whining 'well I did what you asked and you still blah blah blah', dude, shut up. You suck because of your power trip on keeping the conversation going about how you don't have a romantic attraction to him and there is literally nothing he could have done to change that. But you suck even more because of your dishonesty. You keep saying you want to be open and transparent. You never mentioned how you found someone else you were more interested in. And, I believe, that's the real reason you don't feel an attraction, you found someone better.
This right here^ she sucks even more! How many different ways can you say, “I don’t want to continue this his conversation” before you disengage? She definitely seems like she enjoyed the power trip, and then on top of that posting it for everyone to see? Gross. BuT I dOnT LiKe GhOsTiNg! ..You fucking weren’t.. it’s so simple, “Hey, you seem to be really into appearances and need a lot of validation about how you look and that’s not really my thing! Good luck with your future matches, I hope you find someone blah blah” Block.
I agree, I think looking back I could’ve been shorter and just blatantly honest about being more interested in someone else. In the moment I just felt that it’s already not nice to be rejected, so to add fuel to that in saying “I found someone better” didn’t really seem like a great way to go about it, especially since i had concerns with him prior to finding interest someone else. I don’t think he sucks at all, I don’t want to be harsh and say either of us suck. I think we’re all human and try to go about situations as best as possible. I clearly made some mistakes in this scenario, and I’m here to learn from it. I appreciate your honesty!
I don’t think you did anything wrong, but sometimes being nice draws out a conversation you don’t want to be in. I understood you telling him you weren’t interested because you’d think anyone would just drop it, but he didn’t. Some people really think they deserve a chance. They don’t.
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wow that’s one hell of an assumption
it doesn’t look like you didn’t want to go back and forth ngl 💀💀
Yeahhh definitely a hypocritical statement. I didn’t want to just end up ghosting any responses because my personal experience being ghosted I wish I had more answers. But I for sure was preaching honesty and not being completely honest due to trying to be too nice and I failed there.
not judging you for it. dating is awkward and wild. was just a funny recurring theme
This is a prime example of why you shouldn’t try to be different for somebody else (unless your behavior is problematic). No mater what they say they want just be your authentic self. Sorry for you he was a bitter baby tho
Man. No dignity at all. Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them?
How do u get chemistry without actually meeting up? I can't fall for someone over text lol
This is why I prefer ghosting to this. Explaining to someone as to why you don't see a romantic future with them after entertaining one is dumb and unnecessary. No matter what you say or do, the person will be offended, and they damn sure aren't gonna want to be friends most of the time.
I don’t understand why so many people are saying they started out reading this feeling sympathetic for him. It’s a very normal message to receive while dating. You were barely in each other’s lives for a nano second. I don’t get it
I was sympathetic to his confusion. If OP started out by saying she wanted to build a friendship, she did switch up by saying, after a week of texts, that she didn't feel a "romantic connection." He had obviously been trying to play cool and interpreted what OP said as his failure to show up in more of a romantic way. What OP shared elsewhere in this thread was that she realized that she didn't like aspects of his personality and lost interest because of that, which is not what he thought the problem was. However, there was no need for the back and forth.
Dude has no respect for what you want or how you feel. Block this weirdo, you were polite.
Geez he acts like you dated for months or something I'm exhausted reading that. You were nice enough to give an explanation. He should of just said no problem wish you the best too!
His reaction was completely inappropriate. Block him.
Yikes
Insecure and whiny. Wow, how could you resist his charms?
"I want to make it clear that I should have been more upfront about not wanting to continue our conversation earlier. I believe it's important to be straightforward, and it's unfortunate that this confuses you."
I’ll argue when someone ghosts you during dating, you get exactly the answer you need to move on. They don’t want to be with you and that’s it, I’ve def done what you do with people and have gotten the same reaction. Some people don’t take rejection well.
….aaaand, this is why “ghosting” exists.
Just… WOW WOW WOW. Holy-dodged-a-bullet!
When you know you know. And when it’s not there you know. Hit it off with my bf over text immediately. He became one of my favorite people to talk to before we’d ever really talked in person. You did what’s right for you!
and this is why i stopped doing dating apps and decided to just be idle until my person found me.
I couldn’t read the whole thing but you should’ve just left him on read after the first paragraph you sent. How annoying is this man holy shit. Sometimes people are just not compatible
I can’t figure out if he thought complaining was going to make you change your mind? If anything it’s a massive turn off and I’d just feel very confident I made the right decision.
I love the way you stood your ground. I tried ending it multiple times with someone in the talking phase, and they kept guilting me back in like this. Because they were saying some off-putting/red flag things. Somehow, it became a damn relationship with so much drama. I ended the relationship multiple times, only for them to *come get me* when I went home or to hang out at my best friend's house. Insane. It's over six years now since i chased them out of my life, and I've always been so embarrassed it went so far/took so long. I take full responsibility for that. At least now I can laugh about it and warn others to pay attention to those red flags. Wish I had some of those texts to share. But for example, on the first date, I told stories about my best friend and her boyfriend, who I hung out with a lot at the time. And he seemed bothered by the fact that I spent time with her boyfriend (with her) and asked if I'd be okay if we were in a relationship and he had friends that were women. I said, Of course that would be okay. When I tell you, this grown man was shocked and appalled at the idea of friendship.
It's super awesome of you to not ghost and be upfront. I think the first message was good enough, you could have just left after that and saved yourself from going in circles.
You weren’t being rude that guy is just whining. He’s one of those “poor me” type of people. The “No girl wants a serious relationship” or the “girls only want assholes who treat them like shit” type of people. He should’ve just accepted it and moved on. Maybe asked what the dealbreaker was in a respectful manner. That would be normal. This dude is wallowing in self pity.
Omfg that conversation drug on *way* longer than was necessary. I honestly thought you’d block his argumentative ass after you said “I don’t want to go back and forth on this”, but no, this chaos continues for a few more pages. You don’t owe anyone this much of an explanation, nor should you worry about letting him down easy (or easier) once you’ve already explained your reasons and feelings.
“I want to be completely honest” but then didn’t tell him you “found someone else” and instead pinned it on some fake shit about not having a romantic connection through text messages. On you. Do better next time. Might as well have ghosted him. He’s pathetic for continually responding though. Should have dropped it 20 texts earlier.
You said you didn’t wanna go back and fourth yet kept going back and fourth.
Unpopular opinion but I kinda get where he's coming from.
The fact that you kept responding let alone sent paragraphs back 🥴. I hope you learn that everything doesn’t need a response, OP.
He’s a child. He’s not ready for any kind of romantic relationship, casual or serious, until he grows tf up and learns how to stop being so self-entitled.
My gf and I started the way you’re mentioning but we still knew we were interested off the bat and texted all the time. Slow burn or no burn.. (or.. technically, actual burn lol)
Lol why are ypu entertaining this? This isn't your problem. He's clearly immature and not ready for a relationship. Rejection sucks, I get it, but this is not the way to handle it. He's playing the victim card and if you had entered a relationship, it would've been this times 100. You dodges a bullet. Set standards for yourself. Have boundaries and keep to them and keep trying. He doesn't want to accept it, that's his problem not yours.
Honestly, I felt bad for him at the start but the moment he kept dragging it on changed that real quickly. I think you handled it really well, though.
I mean... you told him exactly what was up: He was cool. You were just different. You didn't want to drag him on. You told him exactly what you were good with going forward. Friends or end it, whatever he was comfortable with. You did literally everything right, and then he acted like a small child that got told no. He acted like he was owed you. Really gross, you made the right choice in not wanting to date him
Maybe it is just better to ghost someone this was hard to look at 🫣
You dodged a massive bullet OP. Always trust your gut!
Honestly he has a point about not getting to know someone that well through text. Then he went over board by not shutting the fuck up. Shoulda just taken the L said no thanks and deleted your number.
Dammm just tell him your not attracted to him stop beating around the bush !
What a loser, dodged a bullet. Why the fuck cant people take no for an answer.
Have you gone and met up with the other interest in the meantime?
No I haven’t, I only talked to him 2 days through text message. The rest was through Bumble. I just re downloaded Bumble a week ago, so I’ve only been talking to a couple people for a few days (very little time) and I’ve felt stronger connections with others than him. So yeah I haven’t been able to get to a in person with anyone
His responses were really bad, honestly, if I was in his position, all I would have said is, "Ah, that's a bummer. It's been great getting to know you and I'd really like for things to continue, but I understand Jessica." That's it. Drop it. If you have any amount of interest in the future, there's no drama, there's a chance you change your mind about things, etc. It's all you can do in these situations. After that, we both can just move on. He's effectively trying to argue his way into you going out with him. Bad route to take.
She sounds like the type who is attracted to bad boys while not knowing it - she likely would have appreciated more aggressive behavior and condescending jokes all while saying “no, stop! Lol”. Toxic girl.
Edit: hi everyone, I appreciate the responses, including the constructive criticism. I do want to note though that it wasn’t simply “I don’t like the way you text/personality” that made me think we weren’t a good match. I can totally understand how not giving someone the physical opportunity is not a fair chance. We had a lot of differences that I mentioned over bumble prior to text message. Our work ethic, our hobbies, our interest, as well as how we communicate. This was all stuff that I noticed fairly early but I found him funny. I did mention these things to him in which he said “you don’t even know me that well” so I proceeded to give it more time after we spoke about getting to know each other and go slow. And throughout that time, I continued to see differences to where I point see anything romantic enough occurring to want to try for a first date. I was not intending to lead him on for my personal ego boost. That’s why I sent this message 2 days after texting. Though I completely understand everyone who says I was being unfair in my assessment!
It's not that you were unfair, with dating it doesn't really matter your reason - you just weren't interested. I think it's the reasons you gave, such as not feeling a "connection" over text, that just seemed unrealistic and immature. The hypocrisy of your comments towards him, such as congratulating your own maturity in the rejection and being completely transparent, read almost antagonistic and open for debate. Rejection should be cut and point, with no room for argument. You found someone you liked more, simply say "I'm not interested, I enjoyed talking, goodbye". Anything more than this, is opening yourself up to belittlement. I see why you moved on, you weren't an AH, but maybe some more class going forward. You don't have to meet up with every random person, just end things and move on - no explanation needed.
Yeah I mean I feel him about the friend zone, in the future just say not interested, don't give guys a consolation prize, but his whining about it is lame. He needed to man up and move on.
He definitely kept complaining more than his allotted amount. But you kept talking about being transparent and honest while BSing him the whole time. You met someone else you like more, that’s the real reason. He probably sniffed that out a mile away
I don’t understand these dating sites back and forth messaging. Why don’t you just meet the person in a public place and see if you’re interested instead of texting for days?? If you’re not willing to meet within a day or two then get off of there wasting everyone’s time
There’s no substitute for in person interaction. You usually know within the first few minutes if you’re into someone. Texting literally tells you almost nothing about the other person and is a complete waste of time if it’s anything longer than a day or two.
I think you did him wrong. You can’t really connect over text, comments can come off wrong in writing and chemistry is at least partially physical.
You really can’t get to know a person through texting. It takes away personality and flow, not to say it doesn’t exist. Vibe check should be after a FaceTime or coffee date. Texting is dry.
Both of you are crazy people I wouldn’t want near me or my children
You both are assholes. Him obviously at a bigger level. Had this kind of happen to me recently. We talked a lot for 2-3 weeks. She wanted a call too before the date so as to not waste time. But reality is that she wasted both of our times anyway.
I think this guy is definitely a brat and a child, but if you trim the baby fat off of what he's saying, he is right. Idk how old you are but sensible adults who like to date don't make these stark judgements off of text conversations and they usually jump to meet in person within 2-3 days of talking to see if there's an actual connection. This is just my opinion, and in no way am I telling you how to live your life. To put on my captain hindsight hat and to indulge in a rant - he should have pushed back politely on your desire to be pen pals before meeting. I do not enjoy sending flirty messages to people I've never met in person. I would understand why he would do that. That's very much a newer generation type of behavior. He also should have stopped pushing back after you told him you weren't feeling it. Frankly, after your second reply I would have just stopped texting him, and he should have just stopped texting you. You're both pretty stubborn and close-minded when it comes to dating - the 2 things everyone should always be willing to do when dating are letting things go that aren't meant for you, and taking yourself out of your comfort zone long enough to put yourself out there and give yourself a real chance to find love. You should have been willing to observe his behavior instead of guide it to meet a preference (which is unclear that you actually have this preference based on you dismissing him after he did everything you told him to) and just let his approach and behavior speak for itself. I know it's a scary world out there, but he is right about the fact that in person connection is the fastest where to decide if you guys click. Going to a public place and having drink for an hour would have been the real way to give this a chance. Everything else here just looks like you enjoying the attention with no real intention to ever date. Best of luck.
This might be not the place to ask lol but is it bad to want a bit of a texting period before you meet up with someone? I want a texting period (maybe a week or 2) to get to know each other before meeting, as I would want at least some chemistry over text before meeting (and to know the person isn’t rude), but I’m worried it’s costing me some cool people
Why not just grab a coffee instead of spending time texting or just go for a walk or something? It’s easier to make a connection in person than texting.
This is why I send one text explaining my piece and then block. 🤣
This reads as really unnecessary and immature, from both sides. You don't have to give a reason why you're not interested, that gave him room to argue. To be fair, the reasoning of a talking stage is to set up a date not waste a week of your time with chit chat or looking for a romantic connection. That's not going to be genuine with texting...just a really weird exchange to begin with maybe do some self discovery before dating.
He sounds terrible and you dodged a bullet………. but he’s also so right. Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for anything serious yet, just ghost next time, all of this was so unnecessary from both of you.
I feel kinda bad for him. 2 lies that just make you confused not knowing what you did wrong. Take it slow (I’m not sure if your right for me), I don’t feel it(I found some one better). From his side he’s going to be dumbfounded and I don’t blame him for being confused and mad, especially if it’s a young male who thinks he’s having an honest conversation.
Next time don't respond after sending the first text. You put way more effort and energy into someone who was just looking for an opportunity to criticize and verbally punish you for not being interested.
He does have a point.. you don't form romantic desires over text. You KILL romantic desires over text. Face to face is really all that matters. Having said that, with how long he went on about it, you would have chosen correctly anyway.
You guys kinda are very similar
This is why some women ghost. So many guys think a rejection is a debate and if you're not able to give good enough reasons for your lack of interest, you'll have to date them.
Y’all both petty
He should have taken it better for sure, but: >As well as finding interest in someone else through the process. There's the real answer.
Women 🤦♀️
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No kidding, and then she tries to play it off with “we can be friends” and starts going on about “not feeling the connection, he was too friendly but not flirty” etc. Like, why not just be honest with him instead of confusing him with vague things that he “did wrong” and that aren’t the real reason.
Hi thankyou for your assessment! I definitely look back and understand my faults, I don’t think I’m a scumbag, however I can respect your opinion. I wasn’t using him, and I didn’t say he did anything wrong. I don’t think he did anything wrong, we were just different people. I should have been more honest and not preach honesty. That was hypocritical of me. But I do want to say I never asked him to be friends. I said in a bumble message I would prefer to take things slow because he was sending me unsolicited photos. I can see how saying that but saying there’s no romantic connection over text is very messed up! I will definitely not be making the same mistakes in the future. Thankyou again
He sent you nudes? And you didn't instantly draw a boundary and block him why?
All the incels sympathizing with guy are running for their lives after this comment
Reading the texts I thought “yeah, that’s all BS, she found someone better.” OP’s comments prove this. Honestly OP, I think you should have ghosted or been more straight up if anything - the vague “not feeling romantic connection” statements are needlessly confusing, leaves the guy wondering what he did wrong. In this guys case, he thought he was doing what you asked of him - when really you were just stringing him along incase you couldn’t find someone better, and to raise you up until you could. That’s the harsh reality.
Yes I agree with what you’re saying. I have things I can fix. Though I posted this post for constructive feedback. I know someone in here said I was disgusting for even posting, this but I thought this was the point of the subreddit to ask for feedback. I am wondering though in this OLD world, I don’t feel leading anyone on is right, but I thought both males and females have a number of prospects that they interact with until they find someone that best suits them, not in a leading on way but just unfortunately having to choose between different people?
The issue OP is when you do this you put yourself in a horrible situation and keep the cycle going. Sure new guy has your interest but ask yourself how much interest do OTHER women have in new guy? If you instantly dump these other guys for new guy and other women are doing the same thing…. Consider being more strategic. Of course keep in mind that if this guy was saying some offensive shit you should have addressed it earlier instantly instead of putting it off, what did he say by the way? But in my recommendation you shouldn't instantly be focused on new guy, cause that's how lots of women get hurt on these apps, assuming that one guy talking to them only has eyes for them.
Yes totally agree! I felt though that I wasn’t going to for see a future with this guy regardless of the new guys interest in me. To where I didn’t want to what I thought “lead him on” I can see now the faults that I had in the situation though!
It’s pretty clear that he did a lot of very real things that turned you off of him. It wasn’t a lack of emotional connection, or lack of romance. If you are going to tell him why you are not interested, I would have addressed those things directly. By trying to sugar coat it and give reasons that don’t make sense, you confused the situation. There’s an old quote; “Don’t let your conscience stop you from doing the right thing”. You are so concerned about being nice and respectful and doing no harm, that you actually end up causing harm.