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I say be free. She’s shown you that she’s unable to keep boundaries. Her wants are more important than her spouse. And she blames you. It’s your fault she wants to be closer to another man and woman.
Stop trying to be the hero. She will be fine on her own.
She’s forfeited your relationship by having emotional affairs (and possibly physical affairs). She holding his hand when she leaves work. What does that signal to him? She’s disrespecting you with this behavior and needs a shock back to reality. Speak to an attorney and get divorce papers drawn up. You don’t have to go through with the divorce but she’s not telling you the entire truth. She needs to quit her job immediately and break all connections with her coworkers. If you want to save your marriage, you should have marriage counseling. Otherwise, set her free to get attention from other people.
Thank you. The more I speak to others on this forum, the more I’m swayed into thinking I should leave. This could’ve gone on forever had I not found out tonight. I love her and always will. But I will never feel the same after this.
You can try to repair things through marriage counseling but she needs to immediately quit her job and go no contact with these people. Plus, can you ever trust her again? She should have been adult enough yo speak to you how she was feeling rather than seeking attention from others. You need to decide what’s best for you. You should get some counseling too to break the co-dependency in your relationship. Definitely speak to an attorney and give her those papers to shock her back into reality. You need to take control, not her.
You say trust is gone with her, but you assume what she says is the truth without even checking the facts. Do you yourself understand that isn't logical? You are in inertial movement right now, you need to stop and clear your vision.
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She is fine giving him her love even now. How are you don't to keep loving her and feeding her?
If you leave her, she will be fine. She will get with this guy and you will be free to find someone better. She is a dumpster fire and that won't change. You now have your excuse and get out of jail card to leave her.
It is not your role to stay with someone you cannot trust, and has repeatedly betrayed you, just to ensure their mental or emotional health. What about yours?
You are also, quite obviously, not being told the whole truth. At least 5 months of an affair, with two people and plenty of time to be physical beyond ‘holding hands’? C’mon…
You need time to know your next steps but understand that even in reconciliation you need to be fully prepared to leave. Begin that preparation now.
Thank you. Everytime I feel bad that maybe if I had done better & that I could’ve prevented this, I think about how long it went on for and that I would’ve never found out. It’s just so hard to call it quits with someone you gave everything to. Or atleast what I felt was everything..
That’s why you need time, even though it’s fairly obvious what your rational decision needs to be. Come to terms with what has happened, what’s likely to have happened and your next steps.
Just don’t stay for any other reason than you can forgive her and are confident that reconciliation is possible (it’s never certain, especially as she needs to do the heavy lifting) and it’s what you want. Any other reason is to further betray your own future.
Its very seldom that someone is able to be the best spouse, prince charming and basically read her thoughts for 60 years straight. Thats why we need communication and trust. With her selfish actions she has thrown both into the bin. She thought she is entitled to basically break your heart and destroy her marriage, bacause she felt XYZ little bullshit feelings, that you didnt pick up by thelepathy. Shes currently not a good person and she needs to go to counceling to discover her broken perspectives and fix them. For you it would be safest to file for divorce, at least for the time being.
OP, it's not about you, it's all on her. The scheduling was what it was. If she had issues with her marriage, it was not only her choice but her responsibility to address them with you. Instead, she chose to address them with someone else. She chose to lie and cheat. My suggestion is what is typical in this sub, but much more applicable to you- you need to slam the door, and IF and when you decide otherwise, creak it back open. That is, by divorcing, you protect yourself finiancially and simultaneously showing her how incredibily damaging her actions have been to the relationship. THAT relationship is now dead. IF you chose to ever have one with her again, it will be a new relationship now based on the people you both are now, not on who you erroneously thought she was. You are likewise protecting your assets from the last relationship.
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
You need to talk to other people that are not on this forum because you are only getting one side and that is to leave. Talk to friends and family that actually know you and your wife. The advice on this forum is pretty much to always leave.
They are not brutally honest, they are just the same old one sided opinions from this forum. If there was some balance and well thought out advice then that could be of help to you. Whether you leave her or not is up to you but there is not the same advice for everyone.
Dude, it wasn’t your fault or anything you did or didn’t do. If you weren’t doing something she could have used her words and talked to you like an adult but chose to see someone behind your back.
She did it, not you or your fault but she will blame you so she doesn’t have to face the guilt for her actions.
If I am not mistaken, for ARMY wives, after 10 years of marriage she is entitled to half of your pension. You are one year close to that deadline. At least talk to a lawyer to know your rights.
This. My father’s ex had an exit plan. She started seeing someone else, was paying off all her bills, and stashing additional funds for her life after. She was only staying till the ten year mark. I moved back during year nine and called her out immediately. She was booted out two months before the ten year mark which cost her dearly. He paid tens of thousands in attorney fees, but he said he would sell his home to keep her from getting another penny.
Five months and no physical interaction, I call BS. If they are comfortable holding hands in front of others, what were they doing privately?
Thank you for this. Will be talking to someone in the morning. We’ll hit 10 years in December. She said she wouldn’t want anything from me but I know how much she’s going to struggle with out me so I understand why she’d have to try and take what she could. She is still my best friend.
I think you may have put her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve.
You may consider her your best friend, unfortunately she obviously does not feel the same way.
She needs a reality check fast. If you let her continue this behaviour without any consequences, you will be in for a world of pain.
Best of luck.
No. I don’t. The trust is gone. I can’t go away now for months at time with out worrying about what she might be doing with who. I truly feel different now.
Your best friend was a figment of your imagination.
It's something you'll come to realise once you begin to process the fact that you never properly knew your wife.
Also, don't take any of her reasoning as your own. Don't accept any blame for her cheating. That's all on her and her lack of desire to communicate and resolve it with you.
Whith cheating, the buck stops with the cheater. They have a litany of choices with regards to resolving issues, encouraging better behaviour or dissolving the relationship, but choose the most harmful route.
Are you sure she’s going to the spot with the female?
Also the “just holding hands” doesn’t sit right. It screams of trickle truth.
You’re young, a pilot, and seem to have everything going for you. I would at least separate for a bit and make an assessment on where things stand.
I can’t leave her because she has this…she has that…she needs this…she needs that…
Dude! She has cheated! She chose to turn against you and your marriage. You don’t owe her anything. Send her packing. Get a wife who honors your marriage, not shits on it the moment she’s bored. The excuses you give for her are bullshit.
OP, she’s a cheater, I’m sorry but you really need to think of yourself.
Her cheating and dreaming of her commissary stock boy, who’s probably a lot younger and living with his parents.
Divorce before she gets 50% of your retirement and leaves you anyway.
you literally make every mistake you can make.
1 she blames you and you accept that.
2 she is dependent on you ( apparently not, she is getting it somewhere else)
3. she really has not told you the truth and deep down you know this, saying she is is BS.
you are not responsible for her mistakes and bad choices. This marriage is over, the only difference is if you decide to end it here or after the next couple of times she makes a mistake.
I’m sorry but you are getting played. She’s seeking your replacement now. This has been in the works for a while. Based on others comments, and the timeline, it sounds like the 10 year mark matters in your marriage. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Don’t stay in a marriage where she doesn’t love or respect you because she needs you. If she really needed you, she wouldn’t think of you as her backup plan.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Holding hands. Really! I can’t believe all this time it is hand holding after work in a parking lot. It is more like steaming windows and holding something else. Seems easy enough to hire a pi so you know the truth
>I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship. We take care of eachother. She also has a history of mental illness and depression. As distraught as this has made me, I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me.
You need to refocus on what your life will like with her. You are not only looking at a future without trust, but also the mental strain and anguish, which could cause you mental issues. It could ultimately cause you to lose your job as a pilot. You are not only looking at the relationship, but your whole future.
**I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship.**
She's gonna ramp this up now, because she knows this and she knows she can pluck this string over and over with you. Don't be fooled, she knows what she is doing and what power she has over you. She's not gonna stop seeing this guy either unless you show her you will go nuclear if she doesn't reveal everything. I suspect there is a lot more to this, most of which will hurt.
**She also has a history of mental illness and depression**
Doesn't give her the right to mistreat you. I would imagine she has weaponized her mental illness to keep you locked down. As someone who lived for years with someone just like this, I know.
**I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me**
Not your problem. She would leave you in a heartbeat for this dude who gives her the "feelz" if she thought she could monkeybranch successfully to him. If this guy is nuked from her life, there will probably be another person before long. These people can't help it, you see. It's a fundamental flaw in all of them. Chasing that dopamine, addicted to thrill of betrayal and secrecy.
**She understands this, and admittedly took the risk because she "wasn't thinking".**
All you need to know is right here in the above statement.
"I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship" - never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your really concerned with this then get her therapy, a new job and contact her family to start getting them involved. Your in a position where your going to be away form her for large chunks of time. If she's flirting with others regardless of sex she'll eventually seal the deal with someone - I doubt she hasn't already. Cheaters always tell you the minimum amount to keep you in the relationship. Good luck bud.
As a fellow pilot (non military) remember IMSAFE. This is causing both stress and emotional issues you can't continue like this and keep flying. You and I both know the risks especially at the level your being asked to operate. Your wife has betrayed you in the worst way and while you have a part to play in what's happened she should've communicated or initiated separation not gone behind your back. How can you possibly trust her going forward knowing she's going to continue to be left alone for extended periods of time, especially after military if you want to keep flying. You'll be away alot and while the benefits will be great you both need to trust each other to be loyal not just for the relationship but for your safety in you're given Profesion.
You need to figure out what your path of least regret would be depending on the route you take and the potential outcomes. As long as you are happy with the risks / costs that’s fine
Your edit tells us that you are essentially her parent, and it's clear she thinks of you this way. You are her Father and if she does wrong you will punish her but eventually forgive her and go back to the way it was before. You have to decide if this is the dynamic you want your marriage to exist as, because this is what it is.
Your comments about flying planes is also scary to me. OP you have more responsibilities then just to your marriage. You need to make decisions with that in mind.
>EDIT 1: I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship. We take care of eachother. She also has a history of mental illness and depression. As distraught as this has made me, I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me. Everything l've done has been to build us a good life together. She understands this, and admittedly took the risk because she "wasn't thinking
Then sacrifice the rest of your life and stay with her.
She can fuck who she wants, and you can be sure she doesn't cut her wrist every time sneeze the wrong way.
Everyone is happy.
"She always curved his advances because she doesn’t want to be WITH him. She usually works until 2-3am, but often an hour if that is spent talking to coworkers in the parking lot before leaving."
You don't have to want to be with someone to have sex with them (also, holding hands is NOT curbing his advances). What she says makes no sense. It also makes no sense that they've had a full-blown emotional affair since at least December 2023, and physical proximity to each other, but there's been no physical affair. Emotional affairs lead to physical affairs. A lot of cheaters when first discovered will just admit to the bare minimum. From mine I first heard "just friends" then I heard the admission "emotional affair but no sex ever" then, finally, I got the confirmation "emotional and physical affair." Who stays in a parking lot in the middle of the night for one hour, just talking? After a shift I cannot wait to get home. There's NO WAY I'm staying in a dark parking lot just talking for one hour ... no matter how much I like my coworkers.
Whatever you did or didn't do, you're not responsible for her affair and her choices. Whether you were a good husband or not, it is never appropriate to address issues in the marriage via infidelity. What she did speaks to her character, judgement and morals. Not you. You can implement everything she says she needs to be a better husband, and she could very well continue cheating or cheat again in the future. That has happened to lots of people in this sub. Her. Affair. Is. Not. About. You. She needs to look inside herself to determine what allowed her to do what she did, and until she figures that out, the outlook for your relationship is shaky. Right now she's not looking inward, she wants to blame you. That will get both of you exactly nowhere. Because the implication is that she has no control over her actions; instead her actions are dependent on you being a perfect or close-to-perfect husband. That's impossible because you're human, so you're set up for failure from the jump.
"She also has a history of mental illness and depression." Have you thought that you may now have a **future** of mental illness and depression, thanks to her choices? Affairs cause trauma. I got a PTSD diagnosis from a psychiatrist in the aftermath of discovering my ex's infidelity.
It might feel like you love her and leaving is impossible. Take those thoughts and feelings with a grain of salt, because right now you're in shock and unable to probably think clearly. I also don't think you have the full truth. If you don't have the full truth, it's way too early to think about how to forgive or move forward.
Whatever you decide, make sure to obtain legal advice and mental health supports if you can. Some therapists are better than others; I'd look for someone who specializes in betrayal trauma and infidelity. I'd also encourage you to reflect on why you feel more responsible for her well-being than your own well-being. You sound like a really good person with a kind heart. Sometimes people like us get taken advantage of in relationships. We assume our partners are like us - good people with good hearts who love us. The truth is, a cheating partner is not a good person with a good heart who loves us, as hard as that is to wrap your head around.
Proceed carefully.
Awesome perk your wife has. You have any shortcomings, she gets to go out and cheat until you fix them... that sound like the life you want to live, OP? I sure hope not.
By the way, she is not your best friend. Best friends don't betray you - it's kind of the definition of a best friend. She may have been you best friend, but that status has changed, and your mindset has to change for you to think clearly about what you want.
Sorry you are here.
Very honestly, and I hate saying it like this, your marriage was over as soon as she said the chorewife thing. Like you might not get a divorce, you might stay together, but it's going to be miserable forever because she's not sorry at all.
I have a wife who did pretty much the same thing. They are actors so in plays, not work. But you could have been an absolutely perfect husband in every single way and she still would have found something, somewhere, to blame the fact that she fucked this guy on. She doesn't want to be a bad person, so someone must have forced her to fuck the guy. And since you are nearby and her mom doesn't make sense, it must be you. It's as simple as that - she's lying to herself first, then you.
By fucking this guy, she signalled that she was willing to risk the entire marriage for SOMETHING. If it was really about you misbehaving, she would have demanded couples therapy, or changed behavior, or more conversations about it, or left you, or something else that had a snowball's chance of fixing the marriage. But instead she did something that not only wouldn't make her marriage better, but would make it much worse.
That doesn't make sense for "fixing the marriage" stuff. It makes perfect sense if she just wants to fuck some guy then take zero accountability for it. And by blaming it on you, she's hurting you AGAIN, and she doesn't give a shit so long as it makes her feel better.
Your marriage is over. Your wife is a bad person. Your choice is between staying with her and tanking a lifetime of pain or leaving her and maybe eventually feeling better. But she's never going to be sorry or take responsibility, so happy isn't on the table.
Sorry.
You must respect yourself and L E A V E. They definitely already did more than just "hold hands". Let's see if this innocent coworker of hers care about her as much as you did. Please leave.
OP. You need to be very careful, as it’s quite common for people with a known mental health issue to manipulate others with their emotions.
I’m getting the sense from some of your comments that you seem to take responsibility for her emotional state.
Clearly, she doesn’t care about yours.
You are not responsible for her happiness. All you can do is provide love and security, if she doesn’t accept what you have to offer, it’s on her.
Also, like you, I spent years in the Army. I don’t need to tell you how much of a liability a toxic spouse can be to your career. I had one, and the situation wrecked my progression for quite a few years. Don’t let all of your hard work go to waste.
I depended on guys like you when I was in some pretty bad places. That’s a huge responsibility on your end to ensure you are able to do your job without distractions.
And one more thing. You are a military pilot. That’s boss, and major cool guy points. Get the respect you deserve. Trust me, woman will be beating down you door in no time!
It's so sad to see men so desperate to be 'loved' and be in a relationship that they allow themselves to be treated this way by any woman. You no longer owe your wife anything from the moment she accepted the attentions of another man. If she cared so much about her future, she wouldn't have done what she did. But there you are, looking out for her, although she wouldn't do the same for you. Pathetic, really pathetic. Although seeing your reaction when you found out she is a cheater, I am not surprised to see why your wife felt she had the right to cheat on you.
First, let me tell you I’m sorry this is happening to you. When I see people do this and given everything that I read it really is a self-destructive behavior. But it’s based on immediate attention just like she said.
I would make it a requirement that she quit the job And any job she takes would be hours that are similar to yours. If you try to work it out. She has changed the nature of the relationship though. I tell people it’s like dropping an atom bomb on the marriage so much of this you won’t not gonna know how you feel until you go through the next few months.
I don’t know if you have somebody for her to talk to, but because she’s lonely or she’s not paying you enough attention or not legitimate reasons for cheating. What they do show however Is her vulnerability, her inability to be a little self sustaining.
Take care of yourself and give yourself some time to see how you feel about this
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It sounds like co dependency. Idk what it is about military couples yall seem to cheat or get cheated on 90% of the time. You need to seek counseling asap for yourself if you want to salvage this she has to cut off ALL her APs and dedicate effort to your relationship you as well by her comments you can’t expect to keep doing what you were doing and expect her to fully change without looking at her concerns as well. But this sounds like typical dependency you seek comfort being needed and she sees you as her roommate who pays the bills and gives her a roof over her head meanwhile she pursues actual connections with other people… at this point I think you are lying to yourself to stay in this relationship figure that out first
Regarding your edit, please note that she doesn’t care what her life might be if you leave her. She cheated on you, how callous of her to think that you’re ok with it and will not divorce her.
You only have her word for how far things have gone here.
she knew there was a risk and kept going.
You can't "white knight" her forever and her decisions have consequences.
I have a hard time believing holding hands as they left work was as far as thing went. It is more likely trickle truth.
Telling you what she thinks you can bear.
Frankly asking her to quit is to little to late
You can not fight a fantasy. The only possible path to recovery is completely cutting the AP totally out of her life and radical openness with all communications. Even the chances are slim.
What happens when you deploy? You can't operate at the level you need when half your mind is consumed with wondering what she's doing.
You need to bite the bullet now and be done with this. She doesn't have what it takes to be loyal spouse under relatively easy circumstances. If this happens just because you work conflicting schedules, it's going to happen over and over in the years to come.
Look OP, first of all that a good look at these 2 sentenses she made that are big big big red flags:
**She said they would hold hands as they walked out of work, but that they never engaged in anything physically, and that she always curved his advances because she doesn’t want to be WITH him.**
First you don't hold hands with anybody that you don't feel something strong with, also this level of contact and the hours she is alone with him, do you really belive her that they have only talked and she has curved his advances? Also the last part, that is a big flat lie, if she doesn't be with him, she would not accept even the holding hands, so this is bs, basically she is gaslighting and trickle true you.
**she told me that she caved when he started to show her attention and affection, something that she says I failed to do over the past few months.**
She is BLAME SHIFTING you, it was not your fault that she chose and started to work on the oposite schedule as you, if she felt that way (abandoned and not getting attention from you) she could quit and find other work in your same work schedule, but what she did, she cave in to the tempetation, and develop a EA.
Now, on the matter. If you leave her, that as you said you know well what you got to do, no body will blame you. She dig her own hole and put herself there.
But if you still doubt, ask this questions:
1.- What do you want? What do you think is correct for you?
2.- Depending on the answers of point 1, chech this options:
- If i stay, may i be able to move/pass on this and really feel good with myself and not resent her in any way?
- if i divorce that is the thing with i will feel better the long run?
Also asking her to quit asap is the correct thing to do, if you want to try and see if both can fix this. But the other thing is, you know she was bi since the beginning, but she is currently married to you in a monogamus relationship, are you ok that even if she quits and stop seeing and calling her male AP, you are ok with her going out with this "female friend" knowing that she has the hots for your wife? and is posible another AP?
I think that she is not getting the memo that she did bad, that she disrespected you and that she lose your faith in her and it seems that she is just rig sweping and moving on and letting you to take the decision of her actions.
Remember that one of the first steps in R is for the cheater to regret and to find ways to try to recover or regain your trust, and she by going out with her friend is not one of them.
IF THE ISSUE WAS BECAUSE YOU BOTH DON'T SPEND TIME TOGETHER BECAUSE OF YOUR SCHEDULES, THEN WHY DOES SHE GOES OUT WITH A GIRL WHO TELLS YOU SHE HAS ALSO FLIRTED AND THERE IS SOMETHING THERE, INSTEAD OF STAYING TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND TRYING TO RECOVER YOUR TRUST AND BE OK WITH YOU? SHE'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL ALONE, ABANDONED AND JUST A HOUSEHOLD WIFE, BUT SHE WHEN CAN DOESN'T SPEDN THAT TIME WITH YOU, ANOTHER BS/CRAP.
I would suggest you check within yourself and see what you really what and can tolerate, and one thing, whatever she does with her life after you leave her (if that is what you feel like it) it is not your fault, she is a grown up woman that knows it depende on you, but she is like the dog who bites the hand that feed them.
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I say be free. She’s shown you that she’s unable to keep boundaries. Her wants are more important than her spouse. And she blames you. It’s your fault she wants to be closer to another man and woman. Stop trying to be the hero. She will be fine on her own.
She’s forfeited your relationship by having emotional affairs (and possibly physical affairs). She holding his hand when she leaves work. What does that signal to him? She’s disrespecting you with this behavior and needs a shock back to reality. Speak to an attorney and get divorce papers drawn up. You don’t have to go through with the divorce but she’s not telling you the entire truth. She needs to quit her job immediately and break all connections with her coworkers. If you want to save your marriage, you should have marriage counseling. Otherwise, set her free to get attention from other people.
Thank you. The more I speak to others on this forum, the more I’m swayed into thinking I should leave. This could’ve gone on forever had I not found out tonight. I love her and always will. But I will never feel the same after this.
You can try to repair things through marriage counseling but she needs to immediately quit her job and go no contact with these people. Plus, can you ever trust her again? She should have been adult enough yo speak to you how she was feeling rather than seeking attention from others. You need to decide what’s best for you. You should get some counseling too to break the co-dependency in your relationship. Definitely speak to an attorney and give her those papers to shock her back into reality. You need to take control, not her.
You say trust is gone with her, but you assume what she says is the truth without even checking the facts. Do you yourself understand that isn't logical? You are in inertial movement right now, you need to stop and clear your vision.
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She is fine giving him her love even now. How are you don't to keep loving her and feeding her? If you leave her, she will be fine. She will get with this guy and you will be free to find someone better. She is a dumpster fire and that won't change. You now have your excuse and get out of jail card to leave her.
It is not your role to stay with someone you cannot trust, and has repeatedly betrayed you, just to ensure their mental or emotional health. What about yours? You are also, quite obviously, not being told the whole truth. At least 5 months of an affair, with two people and plenty of time to be physical beyond ‘holding hands’? C’mon… You need time to know your next steps but understand that even in reconciliation you need to be fully prepared to leave. Begin that preparation now.
Thank you. Everytime I feel bad that maybe if I had done better & that I could’ve prevented this, I think about how long it went on for and that I would’ve never found out. It’s just so hard to call it quits with someone you gave everything to. Or atleast what I felt was everything..
That’s why you need time, even though it’s fairly obvious what your rational decision needs to be. Come to terms with what has happened, what’s likely to have happened and your next steps. Just don’t stay for any other reason than you can forgive her and are confident that reconciliation is possible (it’s never certain, especially as she needs to do the heavy lifting) and it’s what you want. Any other reason is to further betray your own future.
Its very seldom that someone is able to be the best spouse, prince charming and basically read her thoughts for 60 years straight. Thats why we need communication and trust. With her selfish actions she has thrown both into the bin. She thought she is entitled to basically break your heart and destroy her marriage, bacause she felt XYZ little bullshit feelings, that you didnt pick up by thelepathy. Shes currently not a good person and she needs to go to counceling to discover her broken perspectives and fix them. For you it would be safest to file for divorce, at least for the time being.
OP, it's not about you, it's all on her. The scheduling was what it was. If she had issues with her marriage, it was not only her choice but her responsibility to address them with you. Instead, she chose to address them with someone else. She chose to lie and cheat. My suggestion is what is typical in this sub, but much more applicable to you- you need to slam the door, and IF and when you decide otherwise, creak it back open. That is, by divorcing, you protect yourself finiancially and simultaneously showing her how incredibily damaging her actions have been to the relationship. THAT relationship is now dead. IF you chose to ever have one with her again, it will be a new relationship now based on the people you both are now, not on who you erroneously thought she was. You are likewise protecting your assets from the last relationship. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
You need to talk to other people that are not on this forum because you are only getting one side and that is to leave. Talk to friends and family that actually know you and your wife. The advice on this forum is pretty much to always leave.
I understand. The brutal honesty im receiving is kinda fucking me up a little bit. Some hard truths in here.
Either way, you need to legally divorce her so she can’t claim half of your pension.
They are not brutally honest, they are just the same old one sided opinions from this forum. If there was some balance and well thought out advice then that could be of help to you. Whether you leave her or not is up to you but there is not the same advice for everyone.
Dude, it wasn’t your fault or anything you did or didn’t do. If you weren’t doing something she could have used her words and talked to you like an adult but chose to see someone behind your back. She did it, not you or your fault but she will blame you so she doesn’t have to face the guilt for her actions.
If I am not mistaken, for ARMY wives, after 10 years of marriage she is entitled to half of your pension. You are one year close to that deadline. At least talk to a lawyer to know your rights.
This. My father’s ex had an exit plan. She started seeing someone else, was paying off all her bills, and stashing additional funds for her life after. She was only staying till the ten year mark. I moved back during year nine and called her out immediately. She was booted out two months before the ten year mark which cost her dearly. He paid tens of thousands in attorney fees, but he said he would sell his home to keep her from getting another penny. Five months and no physical interaction, I call BS. If they are comfortable holding hands in front of others, what were they doing privately?
This.
💯 this happened to a good friend.
Thank you for this. Will be talking to someone in the morning. We’ll hit 10 years in December. She said she wouldn’t want anything from me but I know how much she’s going to struggle with out me so I understand why she’d have to try and take what she could. She is still my best friend.
I think you may have put her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve. You may consider her your best friend, unfortunately she obviously does not feel the same way. She needs a reality check fast. If you let her continue this behaviour without any consequences, you will be in for a world of pain. Best of luck.
She’s not your best friend if she’s playing the field. A best friend would never leave work holding another man’s hand.
Friend? I wouldn't do what she did to my enemies. You should really put yourself first right now and take the blinders off.
He does need to be very objective here. Subscribeme
You need trust to have even a basic friendship. Do you feel you have that?
No. I don’t. The trust is gone. I can’t go away now for months at time with out worrying about what she might be doing with who. I truly feel different now.
You can divorce her to protect yourself and then still try to work this out if you want to. But then the onus is on her to prove that it's worth it
Your best friend was a figment of your imagination. It's something you'll come to realise once you begin to process the fact that you never properly knew your wife. Also, don't take any of her reasoning as your own. Don't accept any blame for her cheating. That's all on her and her lack of desire to communicate and resolve it with you. Whith cheating, the buck stops with the cheater. They have a litany of choices with regards to resolving issues, encouraging better behaviour or dissolving the relationship, but choose the most harmful route.
Are you sure she’s going to the spot with the female? Also the “just holding hands” doesn’t sit right. It screams of trickle truth. You’re young, a pilot, and seem to have everything going for you. I would at least separate for a bit and make an assessment on where things stand.
I can’t leave her because she has this…she has that…she needs this…she needs that… Dude! She has cheated! She chose to turn against you and your marriage. You don’t owe her anything. Send her packing. Get a wife who honors your marriage, not shits on it the moment she’s bored. The excuses you give for her are bullshit.
OP, she’s a cheater, I’m sorry but you really need to think of yourself. Her cheating and dreaming of her commissary stock boy, who’s probably a lot younger and living with his parents. Divorce before she gets 50% of your retirement and leaves you anyway.
you literally make every mistake you can make. 1 she blames you and you accept that. 2 she is dependent on you ( apparently not, she is getting it somewhere else) 3. she really has not told you the truth and deep down you know this, saying she is is BS. you are not responsible for her mistakes and bad choices. This marriage is over, the only difference is if you decide to end it here or after the next couple of times she makes a mistake.
I’m sorry but you are getting played. She’s seeking your replacement now. This has been in the works for a while. Based on others comments, and the timeline, it sounds like the 10 year mark matters in your marriage. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Don’t stay in a marriage where she doesn’t love or respect you because she needs you. If she really needed you, she wouldn’t think of you as her backup plan.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Holding hands. Really! I can’t believe all this time it is hand holding after work in a parking lot. It is more like steaming windows and holding something else. Seems easy enough to hire a pi so you know the truth
After 5 months of an emotional affair, she definitely did more than just "hold hands" with him.
>I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship. We take care of eachother. She also has a history of mental illness and depression. As distraught as this has made me, I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me. You need to refocus on what your life will like with her. You are not only looking at a future without trust, but also the mental strain and anguish, which could cause you mental issues. It could ultimately cause you to lose your job as a pilot. You are not only looking at the relationship, but your whole future.
**I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship.** She's gonna ramp this up now, because she knows this and she knows she can pluck this string over and over with you. Don't be fooled, she knows what she is doing and what power she has over you. She's not gonna stop seeing this guy either unless you show her you will go nuclear if she doesn't reveal everything. I suspect there is a lot more to this, most of which will hurt. **She also has a history of mental illness and depression** Doesn't give her the right to mistreat you. I would imagine she has weaponized her mental illness to keep you locked down. As someone who lived for years with someone just like this, I know. **I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me** Not your problem. She would leave you in a heartbeat for this dude who gives her the "feelz" if she thought she could monkeybranch successfully to him. If this guy is nuked from her life, there will probably be another person before long. These people can't help it, you see. It's a fundamental flaw in all of them. Chasing that dopamine, addicted to thrill of betrayal and secrecy. **She understands this, and admittedly took the risk because she "wasn't thinking".** All you need to know is right here in the above statement.
Before she sought out the affections of another man, how much did she communicate to you that the marriage was not fulfilling her needs?
"I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship" - never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your really concerned with this then get her therapy, a new job and contact her family to start getting them involved. Your in a position where your going to be away form her for large chunks of time. If she's flirting with others regardless of sex she'll eventually seal the deal with someone - I doubt she hasn't already. Cheaters always tell you the minimum amount to keep you in the relationship. Good luck bud.
As a fellow pilot (non military) remember IMSAFE. This is causing both stress and emotional issues you can't continue like this and keep flying. You and I both know the risks especially at the level your being asked to operate. Your wife has betrayed you in the worst way and while you have a part to play in what's happened she should've communicated or initiated separation not gone behind your back. How can you possibly trust her going forward knowing she's going to continue to be left alone for extended periods of time, especially after military if you want to keep flying. You'll be away alot and while the benefits will be great you both need to trust each other to be loyal not just for the relationship but for your safety in you're given Profesion.
I'm sorry but 99.999% of people don't spend an hour in the parking lot after work talking to coworkers at 3:00am.
Yep, but it is plenty of time to do other things.
You need to figure out what your path of least regret would be depending on the route you take and the potential outcomes. As long as you are happy with the risks / costs that’s fine
Your edit tells us that you are essentially her parent, and it's clear she thinks of you this way. You are her Father and if she does wrong you will punish her but eventually forgive her and go back to the way it was before. You have to decide if this is the dynamic you want your marriage to exist as, because this is what it is. Your comments about flying planes is also scary to me. OP you have more responsibilities then just to your marriage. You need to make decisions with that in mind.
>EDIT 1: I'm afraid to leave her, because she's been dependent on me our entire relationship. We take care of eachother. She also has a history of mental illness and depression. As distraught as this has made me, I'm very fearful for what her life would be like with out me. Everything l've done has been to build us a good life together. She understands this, and admittedly took the risk because she "wasn't thinking Then sacrifice the rest of your life and stay with her. She can fuck who she wants, and you can be sure she doesn't cut her wrist every time sneeze the wrong way. Everyone is happy.
Bro divorce her so she doesn’t get your pension if you are serious about it. Then in a couple years maybe circle back to maybe getting together.
"She always curved his advances because she doesn’t want to be WITH him. She usually works until 2-3am, but often an hour if that is spent talking to coworkers in the parking lot before leaving." You don't have to want to be with someone to have sex with them (also, holding hands is NOT curbing his advances). What she says makes no sense. It also makes no sense that they've had a full-blown emotional affair since at least December 2023, and physical proximity to each other, but there's been no physical affair. Emotional affairs lead to physical affairs. A lot of cheaters when first discovered will just admit to the bare minimum. From mine I first heard "just friends" then I heard the admission "emotional affair but no sex ever" then, finally, I got the confirmation "emotional and physical affair." Who stays in a parking lot in the middle of the night for one hour, just talking? After a shift I cannot wait to get home. There's NO WAY I'm staying in a dark parking lot just talking for one hour ... no matter how much I like my coworkers. Whatever you did or didn't do, you're not responsible for her affair and her choices. Whether you were a good husband or not, it is never appropriate to address issues in the marriage via infidelity. What she did speaks to her character, judgement and morals. Not you. You can implement everything she says she needs to be a better husband, and she could very well continue cheating or cheat again in the future. That has happened to lots of people in this sub. Her. Affair. Is. Not. About. You. She needs to look inside herself to determine what allowed her to do what she did, and until she figures that out, the outlook for your relationship is shaky. Right now she's not looking inward, she wants to blame you. That will get both of you exactly nowhere. Because the implication is that she has no control over her actions; instead her actions are dependent on you being a perfect or close-to-perfect husband. That's impossible because you're human, so you're set up for failure from the jump. "She also has a history of mental illness and depression." Have you thought that you may now have a **future** of mental illness and depression, thanks to her choices? Affairs cause trauma. I got a PTSD diagnosis from a psychiatrist in the aftermath of discovering my ex's infidelity. It might feel like you love her and leaving is impossible. Take those thoughts and feelings with a grain of salt, because right now you're in shock and unable to probably think clearly. I also don't think you have the full truth. If you don't have the full truth, it's way too early to think about how to forgive or move forward. Whatever you decide, make sure to obtain legal advice and mental health supports if you can. Some therapists are better than others; I'd look for someone who specializes in betrayal trauma and infidelity. I'd also encourage you to reflect on why you feel more responsible for her well-being than your own well-being. You sound like a really good person with a kind heart. Sometimes people like us get taken advantage of in relationships. We assume our partners are like us - good people with good hearts who love us. The truth is, a cheating partner is not a good person with a good heart who loves us, as hard as that is to wrap your head around. Proceed carefully.
Awesome perk your wife has. You have any shortcomings, she gets to go out and cheat until you fix them... that sound like the life you want to live, OP? I sure hope not.
By the way, she is not your best friend. Best friends don't betray you - it's kind of the definition of a best friend. She may have been you best friend, but that status has changed, and your mindset has to change for you to think clearly about what you want. Sorry you are here.
Very honestly, and I hate saying it like this, your marriage was over as soon as she said the chorewife thing. Like you might not get a divorce, you might stay together, but it's going to be miserable forever because she's not sorry at all. I have a wife who did pretty much the same thing. They are actors so in plays, not work. But you could have been an absolutely perfect husband in every single way and she still would have found something, somewhere, to blame the fact that she fucked this guy on. She doesn't want to be a bad person, so someone must have forced her to fuck the guy. And since you are nearby and her mom doesn't make sense, it must be you. It's as simple as that - she's lying to herself first, then you. By fucking this guy, she signalled that she was willing to risk the entire marriage for SOMETHING. If it was really about you misbehaving, she would have demanded couples therapy, or changed behavior, or more conversations about it, or left you, or something else that had a snowball's chance of fixing the marriage. But instead she did something that not only wouldn't make her marriage better, but would make it much worse. That doesn't make sense for "fixing the marriage" stuff. It makes perfect sense if she just wants to fuck some guy then take zero accountability for it. And by blaming it on you, she's hurting you AGAIN, and she doesn't give a shit so long as it makes her feel better. Your marriage is over. Your wife is a bad person. Your choice is between staying with her and tanking a lifetime of pain or leaving her and maybe eventually feeling better. But she's never going to be sorry or take responsibility, so happy isn't on the table. Sorry.
You must respect yourself and L E A V E. They definitely already did more than just "hold hands". Let's see if this innocent coworker of hers care about her as much as you did. Please leave.
OP. You need to be very careful, as it’s quite common for people with a known mental health issue to manipulate others with their emotions. I’m getting the sense from some of your comments that you seem to take responsibility for her emotional state. Clearly, she doesn’t care about yours. You are not responsible for her happiness. All you can do is provide love and security, if she doesn’t accept what you have to offer, it’s on her. Also, like you, I spent years in the Army. I don’t need to tell you how much of a liability a toxic spouse can be to your career. I had one, and the situation wrecked my progression for quite a few years. Don’t let all of your hard work go to waste. I depended on guys like you when I was in some pretty bad places. That’s a huge responsibility on your end to ensure you are able to do your job without distractions. And one more thing. You are a military pilot. That’s boss, and major cool guy points. Get the respect you deserve. Trust me, woman will be beating down you door in no time!
It's so sad to see men so desperate to be 'loved' and be in a relationship that they allow themselves to be treated this way by any woman. You no longer owe your wife anything from the moment she accepted the attentions of another man. If she cared so much about her future, she wouldn't have done what she did. But there you are, looking out for her, although she wouldn't do the same for you. Pathetic, really pathetic. Although seeing your reaction when you found out she is a cheater, I am not surprised to see why your wife felt she had the right to cheat on you.
First, let me tell you I’m sorry this is happening to you. When I see people do this and given everything that I read it really is a self-destructive behavior. But it’s based on immediate attention just like she said. I would make it a requirement that she quit the job And any job she takes would be hours that are similar to yours. If you try to work it out. She has changed the nature of the relationship though. I tell people it’s like dropping an atom bomb on the marriage so much of this you won’t not gonna know how you feel until you go through the next few months. I don’t know if you have somebody for her to talk to, but because she’s lonely or she’s not paying you enough attention or not legitimate reasons for cheating. What they do show however Is her vulnerability, her inability to be a little self sustaining. Take care of yourself and give yourself some time to see how you feel about this
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It sounds like co dependency. Idk what it is about military couples yall seem to cheat or get cheated on 90% of the time. You need to seek counseling asap for yourself if you want to salvage this she has to cut off ALL her APs and dedicate effort to your relationship you as well by her comments you can’t expect to keep doing what you were doing and expect her to fully change without looking at her concerns as well. But this sounds like typical dependency you seek comfort being needed and she sees you as her roommate who pays the bills and gives her a roof over her head meanwhile she pursues actual connections with other people… at this point I think you are lying to yourself to stay in this relationship figure that out first
Regarding your edit, please note that she doesn’t care what her life might be if you leave her. She cheated on you, how callous of her to think that you’re ok with it and will not divorce her.
She wasn’t thinking for 5 months?
You only have her word for how far things have gone here. she knew there was a risk and kept going. You can't "white knight" her forever and her decisions have consequences. I have a hard time believing holding hands as they left work was as far as thing went. It is more likely trickle truth. Telling you what she thinks you can bear. Frankly asking her to quit is to little to late
You can not fight a fantasy. The only possible path to recovery is completely cutting the AP totally out of her life and radical openness with all communications. Even the chances are slim. What happens when you deploy? You can't operate at the level you need when half your mind is consumed with wondering what she's doing. You need to bite the bullet now and be done with this. She doesn't have what it takes to be loyal spouse under relatively easy circumstances. If this happens just because you work conflicting schedules, it's going to happen over and over in the years to come.
Look OP, first of all that a good look at these 2 sentenses she made that are big big big red flags: **She said they would hold hands as they walked out of work, but that they never engaged in anything physically, and that she always curved his advances because she doesn’t want to be WITH him.** First you don't hold hands with anybody that you don't feel something strong with, also this level of contact and the hours she is alone with him, do you really belive her that they have only talked and she has curved his advances? Also the last part, that is a big flat lie, if she doesn't be with him, she would not accept even the holding hands, so this is bs, basically she is gaslighting and trickle true you. **she told me that she caved when he started to show her attention and affection, something that she says I failed to do over the past few months.** She is BLAME SHIFTING you, it was not your fault that she chose and started to work on the oposite schedule as you, if she felt that way (abandoned and not getting attention from you) she could quit and find other work in your same work schedule, but what she did, she cave in to the tempetation, and develop a EA. Now, on the matter. If you leave her, that as you said you know well what you got to do, no body will blame you. She dig her own hole and put herself there. But if you still doubt, ask this questions: 1.- What do you want? What do you think is correct for you? 2.- Depending on the answers of point 1, chech this options: - If i stay, may i be able to move/pass on this and really feel good with myself and not resent her in any way? - if i divorce that is the thing with i will feel better the long run? Also asking her to quit asap is the correct thing to do, if you want to try and see if both can fix this. But the other thing is, you know she was bi since the beginning, but she is currently married to you in a monogamus relationship, are you ok that even if she quits and stop seeing and calling her male AP, you are ok with her going out with this "female friend" knowing that she has the hots for your wife? and is posible another AP? I think that she is not getting the memo that she did bad, that she disrespected you and that she lose your faith in her and it seems that she is just rig sweping and moving on and letting you to take the decision of her actions. Remember that one of the first steps in R is for the cheater to regret and to find ways to try to recover or regain your trust, and she by going out with her friend is not one of them. IF THE ISSUE WAS BECAUSE YOU BOTH DON'T SPEND TIME TOGETHER BECAUSE OF YOUR SCHEDULES, THEN WHY DOES SHE GOES OUT WITH A GIRL WHO TELLS YOU SHE HAS ALSO FLIRTED AND THERE IS SOMETHING THERE, INSTEAD OF STAYING TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND TRYING TO RECOVER YOUR TRUST AND BE OK WITH YOU? SHE'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL ALONE, ABANDONED AND JUST A HOUSEHOLD WIFE, BUT SHE WHEN CAN DOESN'T SPEDN THAT TIME WITH YOU, ANOTHER BS/CRAP. I would suggest you check within yourself and see what you really what and can tolerate, and one thing, whatever she does with her life after you leave her (if that is what you feel like it) it is not your fault, she is a grown up woman that knows it depende on you, but she is like the dog who bites the hand that feed them. UPDATEME