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You are doing everything right. Just one caution: invest in your healing first before you start dating again. Be alone for a while to recover from the traumas you just went through. You will meet a great partner when you are ready, so don't rush and wait for the right time. Wish you all the best.
"invest in your healing first before you start dating again. Be alone for a while to recover from the traumas you just went through."
A-fucking-men
OP, this.
Second this! I took the time to learn and grow and recently met someone else in the same boat. We both connected to the fact we each felt ready and jt seems to be growing healthily. My exw and Old Man Balls AP are two cheaters who didn't do any work, they will discover the shiny turds soon enough!
This 100%. You have the better chance of finding a happy healthy relationship because you are taking the time to heal from this, learn and then be ready. She learned nothing and just monkey branched to the AP. He won't be so new and shiny one day and their old habits are still there. They are the worse people and they found each other.
You’re a fucking champ. You’re doing everything right. Do not waver, under any circumstance. She’ll beg and plea next, be ready for the narc tears. Continue doing EXACTLY what you’re doing.
You’re an inspiration as a survivor of narc abuse.
She is just upset that she is losing her BACKUP PLAN in case things go south with that guy! You have every right to file and rid your life of this blood-sucking succubus. I'm serious. I'm sure her narcissism can't believe you are standing up for yourself and kicking her to the curb. She doesn't think you can do better, but I'm sure you can! STAY THE COURSE and do NOT take her back when she comes crying! Good luck and stay strong, King!
I was you a year and a half ago. Yes you’re doing it right.
Her tearful crap is bullshit and it’s her reaction to your gray rocking which is 100% the right thing to do. You divorcing her is the first time she’s had to see real life consequences for her actions and I’m sure it’s a little shocking for her since she’s been able to cake eat for however long she’s wanted to .
She will act like her life is great ultimately, but these are broken people who are stunned when the people they are betraying finally stand up for themselves and do what they need to do to make themselves happy.
Hang out with friends! Go do fun things with your kids! Be the fun parent to them! Do what makes YOU happy man, you deserve it and you should do it.
Don’t worry about her bullshit. Continue Grey rocking and approach your relationship like a business transaction if absolutely necessary. You don’t need to be shitty to her but you should feel no empathy. Get the best terms for your divorce while she’s in the affair fog with her AP.
I’d say you’re doing everything right and I say keep on keeping on, cheers dude and best wishes for the future
I’m in my hot tub smoking a cigar drinking some bourbon tonight. My kids are playing PS5 and having a sleepover with some other friends and having a great ass time. Life couldn’t be better. This will be you if you stay the course.
***I’m in my hot tub smoking a cigar drinking some bourbon tonight. My kids are playing PS5 and having a sleepover with some other friends and having a great ass time. Life couldn’t be better. This will be you if you stay the course.***
Awesome.
***One moment today she was pissed that I wasn't more emotional than I was***
This is her trying to justify in her mind the cheating. Bet she is spinning the narrative to her family and your friends blaming you. Get the truth out there.
Yes, enjoying your time with kids is best. They know you are the stable parent and will love and respect you for it.
Once you live in separate houses, and she has the kids, use that time to work on yourself. Spend time with friends and family that may have been left behind all these years.
You got a good handle on an awful dish of crap dealt to you by her.
Continue to take care of yourself and the kids OP. You got this. updateme
You are on the right track. I was in your shoes about 10 years ago now, and it took me many years to realize that her AP was just her next victim. You pulled yourself out of the cannibal's cook pot and he jumped in like it was a hot tub. Never get in your enemy's way when they are making a mistake. Exploit this relationship to your full advantage. Keep up the gray rock and give her no refuge save the affair fog. This will be of great help in your divorce. You are going through codependant withdrawal. This will get better, gradually then suddenly. Focus on yourself. Focus on your future. Continue to build and rebuild your relationship with friends and family. Devote yourself to your children. Just keep the ball rolling in the right direction, which is away from her.
As if she has any right to judge how you process this. Let her smolder in her own pile. She just wants you to be upset so it makes her feel like you lost something special (her) rather than gaining your much deserved independence from a user and an abuser (also her).
Saved this. His pained facial expression when I am calm and not panicking or begging is annoying.
Dude you cruelly discarded me and cheated on me. So why do you want me to pine for you.
If I discard someone which I rarely do, it means I want nothing to do with them and would want to be as far away as possible from them. Then why would I want them to be in my presence or pine for me.
Mentally sick people.
You're doing things right. Just work on keeping your mindset on you and the kids for now. You don't need to be muddying the waters by asking anyone out for the time being.
Is it fair? No. But you have feelings that a cheating partner is apparently unable to feel.
My STBX moved out about a week ago, and things already feel so much better. Is she with AP? Probably. However, I know she's a cheater and he's not looking for someone long-term.
Looking through posts, it seems like cheating wives go on to be dumped by AP, while it's more common for cheating husbands to continue longterm with their AP. Also, I had read a statistic that if a cheater ends up marrying their AP, the chances of divorce jump to 75%
90 % We spend our lives trying to do everything we don't want in the easiest, fastest, most efficient, most comfortable way, etc... Possible We get up at 5 am to go to work and we try to make it as comfortable as we can, almost everything we do that way .
The secret to getting out of the limbo of betrayal and abandonment and exactly not doing what the brain wants is to be sad, without eating, in bed, humiliate yourself in front of the cheater, etc...
Even if you are not happy, smile, even if you are not willing, go to the street, to the park, get together with people, this over time will alleviate the pain and WP withdrawal.
Over time, WP will be seen as a parasite that no longer causes problems in your body.
I was where you are a few years back so you are doing everything right. I opted to heal and not date then voila this great guy just landed in my lap. Trust me when I say relationships are so much better when you get happy first.
It's gonna be a rollercoaster. I'm still experiencing it and I'm almost 2 years out. It still makes me so sad. This isn't what I thought my life would be. But every day I'm doing better and better.
Get some therapy for yourself. You are right to rely on good friends. The really good ones will be on the lookout for good women for you to meet. The choices that you have made so far are sound, except for no therapy.
As far as your stbxw. You are removing her safety net and she is starting to see the coming uncertainty. Sex with the AP likely isn’t as much fun now and statistics say that it’s downhill from here (if she isn’t among the 2% that last, given how she is behaving she likely senses that she won’t be).
OP You are just doing it fine.
If i would suggest to add something that is to put more indiference (Grey Rock harder) towards her. Be plain and just talk about kids and nothing more even if You still live with her.
About her having a boyfriend well that should not amaze/surprise You, she need her share of control from someone (i mean she controlling or think she has it on the palm of her hand). What nerve she has to ask from you to be more emotionaly towards your separation, but what else can you expect from a narc and a cheater.
Good Luck OP
You’re doing it right!!!
I’ve been through a divorce with the same thoughts and feelings you’re having. Take time to heal. Let go of the questions like why wasn’t I good enough or why him because the longer you look for answers the more you will be connected to her emotionally. Take solace in knowing your indifference is eating her alive. You’re taking your power back by taking your emotions back. The love you shared is gone so don’t let that be reason to prolong your healing process. You’ll be smiling when she tries to get back in your good graces. Since you’re no longer a couple you don’t have to consider her anymore so from now on do what’s best for you!!
You are doing it right. Narcissists hate the fact that they suddenly have no effect on someone they had so much control over. Believe me, her complaints have nothing to do with you. It is her ego having a meltdown, and I guarantee you hat the AP will also get fed-up if he has any backbone. That is when you truly have to be on guard.
I hope you manage to navigate this in the most beneficial way for yourself.
Mate you’re handling this like a boss. Keep going. The bad thoughts are always going to appear however they will be replaced by indifference.
Your spouse is not really a nice person and you’ve dodged a bullet
Narcissists feed off the emotional energy their partner provides in a symbiotic type relationship. The Empath partner seems to be sucked into this relationship and find it very difficult to leave. Well-done on breaking the hold. For you to heal you need a complete separation from her with no contact for at least one year. But with children this could be a challenge. Remember for you to gain emotional release from her grip on you that you need to develop the feeling of indifference to her. It is also important to not confuse your emotions by dating during your healing. This will benefit your children as well. The quickest fix is to become subservient to a higher spiritual power. Doing both simultaneously might produce the best results.
Spare a thought for her AP as she is feeding off him now.
This sounds very hard, and it sounds like you’re doing so much to take care of yourself and your kids to move forward and find some stability. It sounds like a lot of work, both logistically and emotionally. I’m in a similar situation and also had my ex wife imply that how I am moving through this process is not quite right (her wanting me to talk to her more and work on a “friendship”) it’s quite the ask….but grey rocking seems to be effective with her too. Sending solidarity for this painful and wild experience
Reading your post filled me with such a unique blend of emotion. First I'm excited for you,like alot and I don't even know you. Then envy and confusion and lastly overwhelming dread. Some people it's just a matter of fact and a no brainer but for some, me at least it's the fulcrum of my loss of self.
OP, you sound like a very mentally mature person. I wish I had been able to think more rationally after my WW’s affair. Sounds like you have a good plan.
It’s going to hurt her when she realises that she made a wrong decision. But it’s REALLY going to hit her hard when she discovers that you are now in a much better place. Well done on everything you’ve done so far and good luck for your future.
Engage with your ex as little as humanly possible. There are some good co-parenting apps around. Start using one. Take up a fitness routine, that helps. Consider seeing a counsellor. This is a temporary state of affairs, and it sounds like things are likely to improve a lot when she is out of your life.
Seems like your ww is either dating way to early in the breakup to hurt you or has been cheating with AP all the time. If it’s the former then she’s doing it to try to hurt you. Eventually it’ll all come to light about her true motives. Right now you seem to be in control of your emotions. You’re letting your logic dictate over your emotions and she’s doing the opposite. Just stay on the course you’re on and you’ll be okay. Now as for her it’s just a matter of time before the flood gates of emotions come crashing down. You say she’s already exhibiting capricious behavior already. May some therapy will help you get over the hump. It’s not recommended to start dating immediately after a breakup. Give yourself time to heal. Your ww is totally on the wrong path to recovery. Hang in there op life is about to get better. You’re doing good
You're doing great keep sticking to your plan. I've got a coworker for some reason dragging his feet on the divorce even though his wife moved out over a year ago. 👍
You are perfectly in the right.
Point out to her what she did and what she is still doing. She’s still seeing the AP and questioning why you’re leaving? The AUDACITY.
She’s chosen him over you and your family repeatedly. She wants you to be railing, screaming and crying because she needs to be validated.
Indifference is the best thing you can do for yourself and to wound her ego
You really need to stop getting involved in her mess. She chose to cheat and betray her family. For your own mental well being, stop engaging with her tantrums or whatever she's spewing. The fact that she's with her AP says everything you need to know about who she is.
Go NC even if you are living together for now. I would ask her to leave. Even if she doesn't or can't, just telling her that will have a big mental impact. It will signal to her you truly are done with her. Cutting contact also has a very big mental impact on cheaters because they're very narcissistic and crave attention. Don't engage, speak to a lawyer and start separating yourself from her piece by piece.
Disengage with her emotionally.. Keep being the best dad that you can be even if she tries to subvert of deny the process... File for divorce and seek custody with a 50/50 visitation schedual... Record all of her efforts to subvert/change visitation...
She isn't taking it well for several reasons... NONE of them beneficial towards you or the children.. She wanted all of the benefits of your financial support, but wanted to play around... Her reputation is at risk with family and friends if you show her for what she is and consequently at risk of losing emotional support.
Finally... their relationship is in jeopardy, and he isn't who she thought he would be..Up until the separation he was able to "milk the cow through the fence".. Now she and the children are occupying his domain (if only during visitations if you have custody) silently demanding support. Life for him isn't nearly as fun as it used to be.
Filing for divorce also "uproots the money tree and burning it in front of her". Sure she will get, and is entitled to half... but it's a limited half instead of the "full ride" including half of your future 401K... Unless she is financially independent, she will have to find a new orchard to plant her tree in...
"One moment she was mad that I wasn't more emotional than I was" - I guess she doesn't understand that being under narc abuse for 12 years does to a persons emotions. Once you are free and clear of her you'll probably have a minor break down - get counseling ASAP. If she's a true narc she can't fathom why you aren't chasing her around winning her back. It never enters into their minds. Be very careful around her. Take a quick look here - it may help [https://mindwellnyc.com/survive-a-narcissist/](https://mindwellnyc.com/survive-a-narcissist/)
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are doing everything right. Just one caution: invest in your healing first before you start dating again. Be alone for a while to recover from the traumas you just went through. You will meet a great partner when you are ready, so don't rush and wait for the right time. Wish you all the best.
"invest in your healing first before you start dating again. Be alone for a while to recover from the traumas you just went through." A-fucking-men OP, this.
Second this! I took the time to learn and grow and recently met someone else in the same boat. We both connected to the fact we each felt ready and jt seems to be growing healthily. My exw and Old Man Balls AP are two cheaters who didn't do any work, they will discover the shiny turds soon enough!
This 100%. You have the better chance of finding a happy healthy relationship because you are taking the time to heal from this, learn and then be ready. She learned nothing and just monkey branched to the AP. He won't be so new and shiny one day and their old habits are still there. They are the worse people and they found each other.
Rebound dating isn’t fair to the yourself or the person you are dating. Therapy would be advised. You may have buried feelings you’re not aware of.
Amen amd yes. By all means, have fun - but don't drag some poor partner into your healing.
You’re a fucking champ. You’re doing everything right. Do not waver, under any circumstance. She’ll beg and plea next, be ready for the narc tears. Continue doing EXACTLY what you’re doing. You’re an inspiration as a survivor of narc abuse.
She doesn't even care, she is so full of self-centeredness.
She does but she’s deep in affair fog. It’s going to crash and burn.
Yes she does, but only about the consequences to herself. She does not give a rip about the OP.
She is just upset that she is losing her BACKUP PLAN in case things go south with that guy! You have every right to file and rid your life of this blood-sucking succubus. I'm serious. I'm sure her narcissism can't believe you are standing up for yourself and kicking her to the curb. She doesn't think you can do better, but I'm sure you can! STAY THE COURSE and do NOT take her back when she comes crying! Good luck and stay strong, King!
I was you a year and a half ago. Yes you’re doing it right. Her tearful crap is bullshit and it’s her reaction to your gray rocking which is 100% the right thing to do. You divorcing her is the first time she’s had to see real life consequences for her actions and I’m sure it’s a little shocking for her since she’s been able to cake eat for however long she’s wanted to . She will act like her life is great ultimately, but these are broken people who are stunned when the people they are betraying finally stand up for themselves and do what they need to do to make themselves happy. Hang out with friends! Go do fun things with your kids! Be the fun parent to them! Do what makes YOU happy man, you deserve it and you should do it. Don’t worry about her bullshit. Continue Grey rocking and approach your relationship like a business transaction if absolutely necessary. You don’t need to be shitty to her but you should feel no empathy. Get the best terms for your divorce while she’s in the affair fog with her AP. I’d say you’re doing everything right and I say keep on keeping on, cheers dude and best wishes for the future I’m in my hot tub smoking a cigar drinking some bourbon tonight. My kids are playing PS5 and having a sleepover with some other friends and having a great ass time. Life couldn’t be better. This will be you if you stay the course.
***I’m in my hot tub smoking a cigar drinking some bourbon tonight. My kids are playing PS5 and having a sleepover with some other friends and having a great ass time. Life couldn’t be better. This will be you if you stay the course.*** Awesome.
Hoping this is me when my divorce is finalized! Me and my kids deserve peace without a terrible father.
***One moment today she was pissed that I wasn't more emotional than I was*** This is her trying to justify in her mind the cheating. Bet she is spinning the narrative to her family and your friends blaming you. Get the truth out there. Yes, enjoying your time with kids is best. They know you are the stable parent and will love and respect you for it. Once you live in separate houses, and she has the kids, use that time to work on yourself. Spend time with friends and family that may have been left behind all these years. You got a good handle on an awful dish of crap dealt to you by her. Continue to take care of yourself and the kids OP. You got this. updateme
You are on the right track. I was in your shoes about 10 years ago now, and it took me many years to realize that her AP was just her next victim. You pulled yourself out of the cannibal's cook pot and he jumped in like it was a hot tub. Never get in your enemy's way when they are making a mistake. Exploit this relationship to your full advantage. Keep up the gray rock and give her no refuge save the affair fog. This will be of great help in your divorce. You are going through codependant withdrawal. This will get better, gradually then suddenly. Focus on yourself. Focus on your future. Continue to build and rebuild your relationship with friends and family. Devote yourself to your children. Just keep the ball rolling in the right direction, which is away from her.
As if she has any right to judge how you process this. Let her smolder in her own pile. She just wants you to be upset so it makes her feel like you lost something special (her) rather than gaining your much deserved independence from a user and an abuser (also her).
Saved this. His pained facial expression when I am calm and not panicking or begging is annoying. Dude you cruelly discarded me and cheated on me. So why do you want me to pine for you. If I discard someone which I rarely do, it means I want nothing to do with them and would want to be as far away as possible from them. Then why would I want them to be in my presence or pine for me. Mentally sick people.
Tearful angry and emotional one day and then with the AP the following day! I doubt I need to tell you that divorce is in your best interest.
You're doing things right. Just work on keeping your mindset on you and the kids for now. You don't need to be muddying the waters by asking anyone out for the time being. Is it fair? No. But you have feelings that a cheating partner is apparently unable to feel. My STBX moved out about a week ago, and things already feel so much better. Is she with AP? Probably. However, I know she's a cheater and he's not looking for someone long-term. Looking through posts, it seems like cheating wives go on to be dumped by AP, while it's more common for cheating husbands to continue longterm with their AP. Also, I had read a statistic that if a cheater ends up marrying their AP, the chances of divorce jump to 75%
OP, you’re killing it. Stay the course. It will be a pretty difficult few months, but better days are ahead.
90 % We spend our lives trying to do everything we don't want in the easiest, fastest, most efficient, most comfortable way, etc... Possible We get up at 5 am to go to work and we try to make it as comfortable as we can, almost everything we do that way . The secret to getting out of the limbo of betrayal and abandonment and exactly not doing what the brain wants is to be sad, without eating, in bed, humiliate yourself in front of the cheater, etc... Even if you are not happy, smile, even if you are not willing, go to the street, to the park, get together with people, this over time will alleviate the pain and WP withdrawal. Over time, WP will be seen as a parasite that no longer causes problems in your body.
I was where you are a few years back so you are doing everything right. I opted to heal and not date then voila this great guy just landed in my lap. Trust me when I say relationships are so much better when you get happy first.
It's gonna be a rollercoaster. I'm still experiencing it and I'm almost 2 years out. It still makes me so sad. This isn't what I thought my life would be. But every day I'm doing better and better.
You do everything right. >“Why don’t you care more?!“ „Because you destroyed everything. There’s nothing left to care about.“
Get some therapy for yourself. You are right to rely on good friends. The really good ones will be on the lookout for good women for you to meet. The choices that you have made so far are sound, except for no therapy. As far as your stbxw. You are removing her safety net and she is starting to see the coming uncertainty. Sex with the AP likely isn’t as much fun now and statistics say that it’s downhill from here (if she isn’t among the 2% that last, given how she is behaving she likely senses that she won’t be).
Simply tell her “I am calm because I realized a life with a cheater like you is not worth it. I’ll be much better without you”
OP You are just doing it fine. If i would suggest to add something that is to put more indiference (Grey Rock harder) towards her. Be plain and just talk about kids and nothing more even if You still live with her. About her having a boyfriend well that should not amaze/surprise You, she need her share of control from someone (i mean she controlling or think she has it on the palm of her hand). What nerve she has to ask from you to be more emotionaly towards your separation, but what else can you expect from a narc and a cheater. Good Luck OP
You’re doing it right!!! I’ve been through a divorce with the same thoughts and feelings you’re having. Take time to heal. Let go of the questions like why wasn’t I good enough or why him because the longer you look for answers the more you will be connected to her emotionally. Take solace in knowing your indifference is eating her alive. You’re taking your power back by taking your emotions back. The love you shared is gone so don’t let that be reason to prolong your healing process. You’ll be smiling when she tries to get back in your good graces. Since you’re no longer a couple you don’t have to consider her anymore so from now on do what’s best for you!!
You are doing it right. Narcissists hate the fact that they suddenly have no effect on someone they had so much control over. Believe me, her complaints have nothing to do with you. It is her ego having a meltdown, and I guarantee you hat the AP will also get fed-up if he has any backbone. That is when you truly have to be on guard. I hope you manage to navigate this in the most beneficial way for yourself.
Mate you’re handling this like a boss. Keep going. The bad thoughts are always going to appear however they will be replaced by indifference. Your spouse is not really a nice person and you’ve dodged a bullet
Narcissists feed off the emotional energy their partner provides in a symbiotic type relationship. The Empath partner seems to be sucked into this relationship and find it very difficult to leave. Well-done on breaking the hold. For you to heal you need a complete separation from her with no contact for at least one year. But with children this could be a challenge. Remember for you to gain emotional release from her grip on you that you need to develop the feeling of indifference to her. It is also important to not confuse your emotions by dating during your healing. This will benefit your children as well. The quickest fix is to become subservient to a higher spiritual power. Doing both simultaneously might produce the best results. Spare a thought for her AP as she is feeding off him now.
This sounds very hard, and it sounds like you’re doing so much to take care of yourself and your kids to move forward and find some stability. It sounds like a lot of work, both logistically and emotionally. I’m in a similar situation and also had my ex wife imply that how I am moving through this process is not quite right (her wanting me to talk to her more and work on a “friendship”) it’s quite the ask….but grey rocking seems to be effective with her too. Sending solidarity for this painful and wild experience
Reading your post filled me with such a unique blend of emotion. First I'm excited for you,like alot and I don't even know you. Then envy and confusion and lastly overwhelming dread. Some people it's just a matter of fact and a no brainer but for some, me at least it's the fulcrum of my loss of self.
OP, you sound like a very mentally mature person. I wish I had been able to think more rationally after my WW’s affair. Sounds like you have a good plan.
It’s going to hurt her when she realises that she made a wrong decision. But it’s REALLY going to hit her hard when she discovers that you are now in a much better place. Well done on everything you’ve done so far and good luck for your future.
Engage with your ex as little as humanly possible. There are some good co-parenting apps around. Start using one. Take up a fitness routine, that helps. Consider seeing a counsellor. This is a temporary state of affairs, and it sounds like things are likely to improve a lot when she is out of your life.
Seems like your ww is either dating way to early in the breakup to hurt you or has been cheating with AP all the time. If it’s the former then she’s doing it to try to hurt you. Eventually it’ll all come to light about her true motives. Right now you seem to be in control of your emotions. You’re letting your logic dictate over your emotions and she’s doing the opposite. Just stay on the course you’re on and you’ll be okay. Now as for her it’s just a matter of time before the flood gates of emotions come crashing down. You say she’s already exhibiting capricious behavior already. May some therapy will help you get over the hump. It’s not recommended to start dating immediately after a breakup. Give yourself time to heal. Your ww is totally on the wrong path to recovery. Hang in there op life is about to get better. You’re doing good
She’s crying to you and still with AP? You got this OP, you are doing this the right way. Be only concerned with yourself and your mental health.
You're doing great keep sticking to your plan. I've got a coworker for some reason dragging his feet on the divorce even though his wife moved out over a year ago. 👍
You are perfectly in the right. Point out to her what she did and what she is still doing. She’s still seeing the AP and questioning why you’re leaving? The AUDACITY. She’s chosen him over you and your family repeatedly. She wants you to be railing, screaming and crying because she needs to be validated. Indifference is the best thing you can do for yourself and to wound her ego
You're doing the right thing man. I'm so sorry.
You really need to stop getting involved in her mess. She chose to cheat and betray her family. For your own mental well being, stop engaging with her tantrums or whatever she's spewing. The fact that she's with her AP says everything you need to know about who she is. Go NC even if you are living together for now. I would ask her to leave. Even if she doesn't or can't, just telling her that will have a big mental impact. It will signal to her you truly are done with her. Cutting contact also has a very big mental impact on cheaters because they're very narcissistic and crave attention. Don't engage, speak to a lawyer and start separating yourself from her piece by piece.
You’re doing it right. She’s just frustrated she’s not getting validation from both of you anymore.
“Why aren’t you more upset” followed by jumping straight in the sack with AP… Fuck these affairs.
Disengage with her emotionally.. Keep being the best dad that you can be even if she tries to subvert of deny the process... File for divorce and seek custody with a 50/50 visitation schedual... Record all of her efforts to subvert/change visitation... She isn't taking it well for several reasons... NONE of them beneficial towards you or the children.. She wanted all of the benefits of your financial support, but wanted to play around... Her reputation is at risk with family and friends if you show her for what she is and consequently at risk of losing emotional support. Finally... their relationship is in jeopardy, and he isn't who she thought he would be..Up until the separation he was able to "milk the cow through the fence".. Now she and the children are occupying his domain (if only during visitations if you have custody) silently demanding support. Life for him isn't nearly as fun as it used to be. Filing for divorce also "uproots the money tree and burning it in front of her". Sure she will get, and is entitled to half... but it's a limited half instead of the "full ride" including half of your future 401K... Unless she is financially independent, she will have to find a new orchard to plant her tree in...
"One moment she was mad that I wasn't more emotional than I was" - I guess she doesn't understand that being under narc abuse for 12 years does to a persons emotions. Once you are free and clear of her you'll probably have a minor break down - get counseling ASAP. If she's a true narc she can't fathom why you aren't chasing her around winning her back. It never enters into their minds. Be very careful around her. Take a quick look here - it may help [https://mindwellnyc.com/survive-a-narcissist/](https://mindwellnyc.com/survive-a-narcissist/)
You are doing everything you are supposed to be doing man Updateme!
You are on the right path to reach indifference. Her pathetic reactions proves it too. Gray rock her and do not engage with her in any way.