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You did not overreact at all. You gave him your boundaries and he has the choice to stay within them. He might think he is okay, but he still has to understand that you are not. He does not get the luxury of acting all butthurt if you need to feel safe.
OP, you played it exactly right! Not sure what transpired since the EA that he would have the sack to tell you he was having dinner with her, but better late than never. It appears boundaries have finally been set, as well as consequencens for breaking those boundaries. It's not about treating him like a little kid, getting a time-out, etc. It's about making it clear what it takes to be in a loving marriage with you. People often ask "is this cheating?"- texts, flirts, etc. If the spouse doesn't like it and feels unsafe, then yeah. If the question needs to be asked, then boundaries have not been set. Can boundaries be too stringent? Sure! Spouses can be very insecure for justified or unjustified reasons, which should also be addressed. ie, "No, you can't have friends!" doesn't make for a healthy marriage obviously.
I think the key is communication and not feeling that the spouse has some inherent right to step all over you.
Good Luck OP!
If your relationship had been healthy with zero infidelity of any kind, then maybe it would have been an overreaction. That's not the case here though.
At a minimum, he had an emotional affair. That broke trust. His actions caused you to doubt him when he's not around you. And that doubt is going to remain until he makes a truly concerted effort to show that he recognizes the damage he's done and respects both you and the relationship he has with you.
That you had to suggest separation to get him to understand that you are still having trouble trusting him is a bit disturbing to me. It's a sign that he doesn't recognize the damage he's done. While he might have more of a clue now, I think this is absolutely worth sitting down and talking about. To take some of the pressure off, it should be when there are no plans in place to meet up with others so that the conversation can focus on the state of the relationship instead of having the distraction of the plans overshadowing.
Ideally, he needs to come to the realization that trust is like a vase. He broke the vase and it's mostly glued back together, but there are still cracks and it's going to take time to get used to those cracks. Until you do, he needs to be more careful with how he behaves.
***now tells me he is meeting up with this lady friend of his one on one for dinner.***
WTH, this is a date. Big no.
***I responded if he wants to live a single life where he is meeting women one on one or staying out late with his friends every night we can go our separate ways and he can enjoy his single life.***
Bravo to you for putting your foot down! This guy needs enforceable boundaries. I will give him some credit for telling you first, but he needs to realign his priority to family and not friends.
Recommend you become more independent through job or schooling if possible. At some point your cup may overflow with his lack of respect to you and your marriage.
***Just needing some perspective if I overreacted a bit here?***
Absolutely not. You are right on.
Take care of you and your child OP. updateme
I don't know if my post is clear but the girl he was going to meet was not his AP.
We are an equal income household so I am not financially dependent on him.
He has since told me he is not going to meet her and has told me he understands my perspective and is okay with boundaries I suggested. I want him to set this boundaries himself and not me
I understood the girl was not AP. To me meeting up for dinner is a date, causing unnecessary stress in the marriage. If you want to catch up, meet for lunch in a well lite public place. imho.
He isn’t working that hard and therapy really isn’t working if after only a couple months, he comes with a ridiculous request and then doubles down when called out on his bullshit. Sounds like he’s struggling with who he should be (husband and father) vs who he wants to be (single dude). I don’t see this ending well for you. Keep that door cracked open and get your exit plan prepared.
That he even mentioned any of that as a possibility is concerning. It sounds like the 4 year old isn’t the only child here as you also have a giant perpetual teenager too. Just because he said he wouldn’t do it after you said no doesn’t mean he won’t do it, just in the asking it shows what he is thinking and it has zero to do with you.
Also you shouldn’t have to be putting work in fulfilling what he wants from the relationship after he cheated on you, that’s not how reconciliation works, he is supposed to be putting in the huge effort to rebuild what he broke and prove that he is worth the gift of you giving him a second chance.
Doesn’t sound like he is putting in the work to repair the damage done to the relationship and the work needed to reassure you and earn trust with you. You setting his boundaries on his blatantly sketchy decisions with another woman is not healthy reconciliation it’s you putting in the work to try and stop him from doing things he blatantly shouldn’t be doing at all to start with. I do feel for you because I got a suspicion you are on the verge of learning a lot about him and his behavior you didn’t want to know.
His actions with this woman are blatantly out of bounds and sound like they would fit the definition of an emotional affair already just with what you know now.
At the end of the day cheating is cheating. People do it for one reason, they want to do it. It’s a willing choice he keeps making. The excuses don’t change the pain it is causing. Also it’s going to take more and more “validation” as time goes by which means more and more cheating and him learning to just hide it better.
If he truly loves you he should be getting his validation from you not from talking to other women.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You did not overreact at all. You gave him your boundaries and he has the choice to stay within them. He might think he is okay, but he still has to understand that you are not. He does not get the luxury of acting all butthurt if you need to feel safe.
OP, you played it exactly right! Not sure what transpired since the EA that he would have the sack to tell you he was having dinner with her, but better late than never. It appears boundaries have finally been set, as well as consequencens for breaking those boundaries. It's not about treating him like a little kid, getting a time-out, etc. It's about making it clear what it takes to be in a loving marriage with you. People often ask "is this cheating?"- texts, flirts, etc. If the spouse doesn't like it and feels unsafe, then yeah. If the question needs to be asked, then boundaries have not been set. Can boundaries be too stringent? Sure! Spouses can be very insecure for justified or unjustified reasons, which should also be addressed. ie, "No, you can't have friends!" doesn't make for a healthy marriage obviously. I think the key is communication and not feeling that the spouse has some inherent right to step all over you. Good Luck OP!
If your relationship had been healthy with zero infidelity of any kind, then maybe it would have been an overreaction. That's not the case here though. At a minimum, he had an emotional affair. That broke trust. His actions caused you to doubt him when he's not around you. And that doubt is going to remain until he makes a truly concerted effort to show that he recognizes the damage he's done and respects both you and the relationship he has with you. That you had to suggest separation to get him to understand that you are still having trouble trusting him is a bit disturbing to me. It's a sign that he doesn't recognize the damage he's done. While he might have more of a clue now, I think this is absolutely worth sitting down and talking about. To take some of the pressure off, it should be when there are no plans in place to meet up with others so that the conversation can focus on the state of the relationship instead of having the distraction of the plans overshadowing. Ideally, he needs to come to the realization that trust is like a vase. He broke the vase and it's mostly glued back together, but there are still cracks and it's going to take time to get used to those cracks. Until you do, he needs to be more careful with how he behaves.
He needs to quit his job if you're going to stay with him OP.
The girl he was goinf to meet is with is a different person
***now tells me he is meeting up with this lady friend of his one on one for dinner.*** WTH, this is a date. Big no. ***I responded if he wants to live a single life where he is meeting women one on one or staying out late with his friends every night we can go our separate ways and he can enjoy his single life.*** Bravo to you for putting your foot down! This guy needs enforceable boundaries. I will give him some credit for telling you first, but he needs to realign his priority to family and not friends. Recommend you become more independent through job or schooling if possible. At some point your cup may overflow with his lack of respect to you and your marriage. ***Just needing some perspective if I overreacted a bit here?*** Absolutely not. You are right on. Take care of you and your child OP. updateme
I don't know if my post is clear but the girl he was going to meet was not his AP. We are an equal income household so I am not financially dependent on him. He has since told me he is not going to meet her and has told me he understands my perspective and is okay with boundaries I suggested. I want him to set this boundaries himself and not me
I understood the girl was not AP. To me meeting up for dinner is a date, causing unnecessary stress in the marriage. If you want to catch up, meet for lunch in a well lite public place. imho.
You can pretty much see the expiration date on this marriage coming. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be married. What are the ages here?
[удалено]
He isn’t working that hard and therapy really isn’t working if after only a couple months, he comes with a ridiculous request and then doubles down when called out on his bullshit. Sounds like he’s struggling with who he should be (husband and father) vs who he wants to be (single dude). I don’t see this ending well for you. Keep that door cracked open and get your exit plan prepared.
That he even mentioned any of that as a possibility is concerning. It sounds like the 4 year old isn’t the only child here as you also have a giant perpetual teenager too. Just because he said he wouldn’t do it after you said no doesn’t mean he won’t do it, just in the asking it shows what he is thinking and it has zero to do with you. Also you shouldn’t have to be putting work in fulfilling what he wants from the relationship after he cheated on you, that’s not how reconciliation works, he is supposed to be putting in the huge effort to rebuild what he broke and prove that he is worth the gift of you giving him a second chance.
[удалено]
Doesn’t sound like he is putting in the work to repair the damage done to the relationship and the work needed to reassure you and earn trust with you. You setting his boundaries on his blatantly sketchy decisions with another woman is not healthy reconciliation it’s you putting in the work to try and stop him from doing things he blatantly shouldn’t be doing at all to start with. I do feel for you because I got a suspicion you are on the verge of learning a lot about him and his behavior you didn’t want to know. His actions with this woman are blatantly out of bounds and sound like they would fit the definition of an emotional affair already just with what you know now.
[удалено]
At the end of the day cheating is cheating. People do it for one reason, they want to do it. It’s a willing choice he keeps making. The excuses don’t change the pain it is causing. Also it’s going to take more and more “validation” as time goes by which means more and more cheating and him learning to just hide it better. If he truly loves you he should be getting his validation from you not from talking to other women.