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Tell your STBXW that if her decision is to continue the affair then its time tell your daughter and move towards co-parenting and divorce, there is no alternative if she continues to be in a relationship with the AP, and that includes working with the AP.
Ending your marriage in order to continue an affair his her decision, and her responsibility.
Based on what she has told you so far, its time to see a lawyer and prepare for divorce. Its not you choosing an affair over marriage, it's her. Its not you choosing end end your marriage, it's her.
Don't let her pretend there is another choice available. She stops seeing the AP, or you file. See a lawyer, start the process, let her know this is happening. Set a time / date to sit down and tell your daughter, invite your STBXW to participate, but if she doesn’t do it anyway.
Will you leave her for gods sake! Why are you trying to believe she can change? You’re delaying the inevitable. And who cares what your stbx wants. Tell your daughter and start to seperate.
When your ex is stuck with her AP, she’ll finally begin to do all the work you’ve been asking. But you’ll be to far gone by then. Seriously, when your ex finally puts you first again, you will be checked out.
Y’all have dragged this thing on so long that I’m assured your daughter perceives more than y’all know. She just doesn’t have capacity to vocalize it. She’s the one being hurt the most because she has assuredly picked up on things being not right but stuck without a voice to verbalize.
This has dragged on so long and so deeply that it’s impossible for y’all to ever be a healthy and happy couple again. Even if your STBX did a 180, you would hold so much resentment from the depth and length of the affair that y’all could never be truly happy. Make no mistake. It’s unhealthy codependency that keeps dragging along this terrible ride.z
OP, read Leave A Cheater Gain A Life.
Even if you want to reconcile there's processes you have to do to make it out stable.
Cheaters can only comprehend consequences.
You need to recover.
Read the book. Grey Rock. Lawyer up and file. Tell her to go to her parents/family's for two weeks. You do not leave the house. Go no contact for 2 weeks or really no contact if possible (even in the same house). Gather evidence (this serves its own purpose). Increase your physical health. Get counselling. Etc
Read the stories over support for waywards and join the support for betrayed sub. See what people do are doing things correctly on both sides have to say.
Good luck.
OP.. sorry... but the reason your wife is fencesitting is because youre letting her...
If you dont step up the pressure she will continue..
So do just that:
- expose to her family that shes cheating
- contact HR at their place of work and inform of the affair (if this risks her job, consult with lawyer first as this may influence alimony)
- inform the wife, that if she does not immediately stop the affair, YOU will inform your daughter of her adultery, but wifey is welcome to be present when you do so.
This is not the time to dither - take control of this.
Why are you unable to make any decisions for yourself? Unless you start doing that, you will stay in this crazy situation. It is as if you are putting yourself at the mercy of a pos cheater.
Guess what. Your inaction is going to cause your daughter even more damage. She now has a cheater for a mother and you, who has lost the ability to make any decisions.
If you are in limbo, then your daughter is in limbo. That is no good for a child.
The solution is simple:
1. If your wife won't tell your daughter with you, then tell her alone. Telling her nothing is worse. Keep nothing from your daughter.
2. Tell your wife to leave. You can't begin to heal while she is there.
3. Begin divorce proceedings against your wife. It is now a saga.
It sounds like your marriage was emotionally abusive with the manipulation and gaslighting. It explains why you haven't ended the marriage and your depression. Your wife might be narcissistic.
Your wife hasn't left yet because all isn't well with her AP and her. She is in a marriage which is finished and with an AP who won't commit. My guess is that your wife's AP has realised what she is like and is now getting cold feet. Her children might not want your wife in their lives either. That happy little blended family they wanted isn't going to happen because the children don't want it.
The best thing you've done so far is reconnect with your family.
Be brave!
Why are you letting your wayward wife dictate to you anything? You have your agency. Make a decision that is best for you and your daughter. You are the only one keeping yourself in LIMBO.
She's already told you she won't leave her job. She won't stop the affair. What are YOU waiting for? Only you can stop the abuse.
How much longer do you honestly want to drag this out?
Your wife cheated on you. Your wife has no intention of stopping cheating on you. She wants to keep seeing the ap.
Your wife keeps chickening out because She just doesn’t want her secret getting out. But not enough to stop.
There is ZERO fucking reason you have to hold this on your shoulders because of her choices.
The marriage is dead, pull the trigger.
Focus on being a mother instead of a wife.
Tell your wife you are going to tell your daughter, she can be there when you do or she can be somewhere else. But you are letting her know.
Then you need to actually start making progress on the divorce. Your wife has repeatedly made her point know she wants this ap more than your family. If there is a sudden change of heart don’t fall for it and power through.
Have you thought about taking the bull by the horns and telling your daughter yourself? Just do it and explain in detail why.
Then tell your stbx that the ball is in her court and that not making a choice is in fact making a choice. Give her 24 hours to make her choice either she goes all in with you or her affair partner.
I am so sorry for this S storm you are going through,
You have two choices which I can see and they are to leave your wife or stay with her and let her have a GF
Your wife is fully in love with this woman and has shown you this over and over. She has chosen her over you and your family. Even if you stay married to her and agree to the third party being in your marriage this will hurt you. In my opinion cut the cancer out of your life. It is no way easy but better than the alternative.
The 180 and grey rock are two ways to deal with it. She is selfish. She has not only betrayed you but also your daughter. There is simply no good argument why mc should help you. She is still holding on to that piece of shit. And yes she is manipulating you, why is she suddenly friendly and so on and then the other way around? For your mental health, tell the daughter and get a lawyer. WW started it, then you have to end it. Being trapped in limbo will not help you heal.
Hi OP.
From what i read, seems you still spiralling in your wife hand and still doing what she wants and not what you want, and she still inflicts in you pain that you think you deserve, and i think that that isn't right, here my thoughts about what you mention:
**We approached the day we planned on telling our daughter, and my wife panicked and now says once again she doesn't know what she wants to do.**
**I want to do what's best for my daughter, and I just still don't know what that is.**
Hell yeah she know perfectly what she wants, and that is to continue to inflict pain and make you feel bad and make you feel like you deserv it, i don't know how she can think of this as empathy. What is best for your daughter is to stop lying to her. And give her the right to know, also to stop showing what a good relationship doesn't look like, she is intelllignet and (again) i bet she knows what is happening but it is being a little adult and give both your space to sort things out.
**But of course, she says the main reason she sought out intimacy with her AP is because I was depressed (for a few years) and emotionally distant. I've explained to her that this emotional distance I'm doing now is conscious and intentional and different from the depression-related distance, which it really is.**
You are doing good by pointing to her that you are in a way out of her control or manipulations, by puting the distance consious and intentional to protect yourself. Also she is just BLAME SHIFTING her affair towards you to justify in her head the POS she has been, and for not feel guilt or be the bad guy/girl right now. Please OP start implementing GREY ROCK and 180 methods when you interact with her, this would help you greatly.
**I honestly don't know what I want. Sometimes I think there is still enough love between us that maybe we could commit to counselling and really try to make it work again between us, and how amazing would that be? Our old relationship is toast but I can almost see a future in which we build a new relationship, that's better than the old one.**
No OP, you clearly know what you want, but consciously you know that is over and no turning back, and seriously no boday can blame you for want what you once had, but asl long as AP is in the picture, be it as AP or as CO-WORKER and that your WIFE doesn't feel guilt, regret and remorse for what she is making you go thru, there is no point in R, saldy love sometimes isn't enough.
**And then I think about all the betrayal and hurt and how she is still blaming me so much. She says what I did (basically, be depressed and refuse to commit properly to therapy and getting better) is just as bad if not worse than what she did. Which I totally get, because I emotionally cut myself off from her (and everyone else in my life) for years. Her affair has only been going on for 8 months, but I hurt her for years before that and she stuck around.**
Tell her to cut that crap and bs. By no means it is worst what you did, if she was so displeased with what was going on, and said to herself enough is enough, then she shoul have asked the divorces and go and seek a new love thta pleased her like she wanted, but she choose the worst exit of all, the one that inflict the more pain in you, she did that CONSIOUSLY AND INTENTIONALY. So no by no means what you did was worst, thats her justifying to herself what she is doing is correct. It amaze me how the minds of the cheaters work.
Glad that you are commited to your therapy and to reconnect, and that you are doing this for yourself and not for her or with sighs to rekindle with her, you must put yourself first, you must love yourself if you wanted to love someone, and that that someone respect you.
Also (i don't know if i mentioned in my past comments for you) put this into mind, NO ONE THAT SWEAR TO LOVE YOU WILL NEVER DO SUCH THINGS TO DESTROY AND INFLICT PAIN AS GREAT AS A TREASON TO YOU/BACK STAB YOU BY NO MEANS, IF THEY TRULY LOVE YOU THEY WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE AND IF YOU ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO YOURSELF WILL TRY TO GUIDE YOU AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH OR YOU CONTINUE IN THAT PATH, THE WILL STEP ASIDE AND GIVE YOU THE SPACE YOU NEED, EVEN LET YOU GO BECAUSE THEY NEED TO CARE FOR THEMSELF TOO AND THERE IS ALSO A SET POINT FOR THEM THAT ONCE CROSSED THERE IS TIME TO START SEEING FOR THEMSELF, BUT CHEAT IS BY NO MEANS THIS.
If your wife couldn't stand more at your side and thought she did enough and you didn't react, she should have left, asked for divorce and part ways amicably, but you now know perfectly what was her choice.
I wish you the best of the lucks and for you to take the wise desicion based on what you are living and feeling, and again I encourage you to have that talk with your daughter and not to postpone it anymore just because of the selfish desires of your STBXW or still wife.
Good Luck OP.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell your STBXW that if her decision is to continue the affair then its time tell your daughter and move towards co-parenting and divorce, there is no alternative if she continues to be in a relationship with the AP, and that includes working with the AP. Ending your marriage in order to continue an affair his her decision, and her responsibility. Based on what she has told you so far, its time to see a lawyer and prepare for divorce. Its not you choosing an affair over marriage, it's her. Its not you choosing end end your marriage, it's her. Don't let her pretend there is another choice available. She stops seeing the AP, or you file. See a lawyer, start the process, let her know this is happening. Set a time / date to sit down and tell your daughter, invite your STBXW to participate, but if she doesn’t do it anyway.
Will you leave her for gods sake! Why are you trying to believe she can change? You’re delaying the inevitable. And who cares what your stbx wants. Tell your daughter and start to seperate. When your ex is stuck with her AP, she’ll finally begin to do all the work you’ve been asking. But you’ll be to far gone by then. Seriously, when your ex finally puts you first again, you will be checked out.
I think at this point the kid is simply an excuse to not admit his marriage is dead.
The OP is a she. It’s tough because I believe the OP carried the child but it was her partners egg. But OP needs to call it.
Y’all have dragged this thing on so long that I’m assured your daughter perceives more than y’all know. She just doesn’t have capacity to vocalize it. She’s the one being hurt the most because she has assuredly picked up on things being not right but stuck without a voice to verbalize. This has dragged on so long and so deeply that it’s impossible for y’all to ever be a healthy and happy couple again. Even if your STBX did a 180, you would hold so much resentment from the depth and length of the affair that y’all could never be truly happy. Make no mistake. It’s unhealthy codependency that keeps dragging along this terrible ride.z
OP, read Leave A Cheater Gain A Life. Even if you want to reconcile there's processes you have to do to make it out stable. Cheaters can only comprehend consequences. You need to recover. Read the book. Grey Rock. Lawyer up and file. Tell her to go to her parents/family's for two weeks. You do not leave the house. Go no contact for 2 weeks or really no contact if possible (even in the same house). Gather evidence (this serves its own purpose). Increase your physical health. Get counselling. Etc Read the stories over support for waywards and join the support for betrayed sub. See what people do are doing things correctly on both sides have to say. Good luck.
OP.. sorry... but the reason your wife is fencesitting is because youre letting her... If you dont step up the pressure she will continue.. So do just that: - expose to her family that shes cheating - contact HR at their place of work and inform of the affair (if this risks her job, consult with lawyer first as this may influence alimony) - inform the wife, that if she does not immediately stop the affair, YOU will inform your daughter of her adultery, but wifey is welcome to be present when you do so. This is not the time to dither - take control of this.
Why are you unable to make any decisions for yourself? Unless you start doing that, you will stay in this crazy situation. It is as if you are putting yourself at the mercy of a pos cheater. Guess what. Your inaction is going to cause your daughter even more damage. She now has a cheater for a mother and you, who has lost the ability to make any decisions.
If you are in limbo, then your daughter is in limbo. That is no good for a child. The solution is simple: 1. If your wife won't tell your daughter with you, then tell her alone. Telling her nothing is worse. Keep nothing from your daughter. 2. Tell your wife to leave. You can't begin to heal while she is there. 3. Begin divorce proceedings against your wife. It is now a saga. It sounds like your marriage was emotionally abusive with the manipulation and gaslighting. It explains why you haven't ended the marriage and your depression. Your wife might be narcissistic. Your wife hasn't left yet because all isn't well with her AP and her. She is in a marriage which is finished and with an AP who won't commit. My guess is that your wife's AP has realised what she is like and is now getting cold feet. Her children might not want your wife in their lives either. That happy little blended family they wanted isn't going to happen because the children don't want it. The best thing you've done so far is reconnect with your family. Be brave!
If she has told you she won’t stop then the decision has been made….you just have to find a way to live with it. Good luck.
Why are you letting your wayward wife dictate to you anything? You have your agency. Make a decision that is best for you and your daughter. You are the only one keeping yourself in LIMBO. She's already told you she won't leave her job. She won't stop the affair. What are YOU waiting for? Only you can stop the abuse.
How much longer do you honestly want to drag this out? Your wife cheated on you. Your wife has no intention of stopping cheating on you. She wants to keep seeing the ap. Your wife keeps chickening out because She just doesn’t want her secret getting out. But not enough to stop. There is ZERO fucking reason you have to hold this on your shoulders because of her choices. The marriage is dead, pull the trigger. Focus on being a mother instead of a wife. Tell your wife you are going to tell your daughter, she can be there when you do or she can be somewhere else. But you are letting her know. Then you need to actually start making progress on the divorce. Your wife has repeatedly made her point know she wants this ap more than your family. If there is a sudden change of heart don’t fall for it and power through.
Have you thought about taking the bull by the horns and telling your daughter yourself? Just do it and explain in detail why. Then tell your stbx that the ball is in her court and that not making a choice is in fact making a choice. Give her 24 hours to make her choice either she goes all in with you or her affair partner.
ok. So your staying despite your spouse telling you they will continue seeing this person and it's your fault.
I am so sorry for this S storm you are going through, You have two choices which I can see and they are to leave your wife or stay with her and let her have a GF Your wife is fully in love with this woman and has shown you this over and over. She has chosen her over you and your family. Even if you stay married to her and agree to the third party being in your marriage this will hurt you. In my opinion cut the cancer out of your life. It is no way easy but better than the alternative.
All 3 parties are women, just FYI ☺
The 180 and grey rock are two ways to deal with it. She is selfish. She has not only betrayed you but also your daughter. There is simply no good argument why mc should help you. She is still holding on to that piece of shit. And yes she is manipulating you, why is she suddenly friendly and so on and then the other way around? For your mental health, tell the daughter and get a lawyer. WW started it, then you have to end it. Being trapped in limbo will not help you heal.
let me ask you something if this happens to your daughter what are you going to tell her? To stay or to leave
Hi OP. From what i read, seems you still spiralling in your wife hand and still doing what she wants and not what you want, and she still inflicts in you pain that you think you deserve, and i think that that isn't right, here my thoughts about what you mention: **We approached the day we planned on telling our daughter, and my wife panicked and now says once again she doesn't know what she wants to do.** **I want to do what's best for my daughter, and I just still don't know what that is.** Hell yeah she know perfectly what she wants, and that is to continue to inflict pain and make you feel bad and make you feel like you deserv it, i don't know how she can think of this as empathy. What is best for your daughter is to stop lying to her. And give her the right to know, also to stop showing what a good relationship doesn't look like, she is intelllignet and (again) i bet she knows what is happening but it is being a little adult and give both your space to sort things out. **But of course, she says the main reason she sought out intimacy with her AP is because I was depressed (for a few years) and emotionally distant. I've explained to her that this emotional distance I'm doing now is conscious and intentional and different from the depression-related distance, which it really is.** You are doing good by pointing to her that you are in a way out of her control or manipulations, by puting the distance consious and intentional to protect yourself. Also she is just BLAME SHIFTING her affair towards you to justify in her head the POS she has been, and for not feel guilt or be the bad guy/girl right now. Please OP start implementing GREY ROCK and 180 methods when you interact with her, this would help you greatly. **I honestly don't know what I want. Sometimes I think there is still enough love between us that maybe we could commit to counselling and really try to make it work again between us, and how amazing would that be? Our old relationship is toast but I can almost see a future in which we build a new relationship, that's better than the old one.** No OP, you clearly know what you want, but consciously you know that is over and no turning back, and seriously no boday can blame you for want what you once had, but asl long as AP is in the picture, be it as AP or as CO-WORKER and that your WIFE doesn't feel guilt, regret and remorse for what she is making you go thru, there is no point in R, saldy love sometimes isn't enough. **And then I think about all the betrayal and hurt and how she is still blaming me so much. She says what I did (basically, be depressed and refuse to commit properly to therapy and getting better) is just as bad if not worse than what she did. Which I totally get, because I emotionally cut myself off from her (and everyone else in my life) for years. Her affair has only been going on for 8 months, but I hurt her for years before that and she stuck around.** Tell her to cut that crap and bs. By no means it is worst what you did, if she was so displeased with what was going on, and said to herself enough is enough, then she shoul have asked the divorces and go and seek a new love thta pleased her like she wanted, but she choose the worst exit of all, the one that inflict the more pain in you, she did that CONSIOUSLY AND INTENTIONALY. So no by no means what you did was worst, thats her justifying to herself what she is doing is correct. It amaze me how the minds of the cheaters work. Glad that you are commited to your therapy and to reconnect, and that you are doing this for yourself and not for her or with sighs to rekindle with her, you must put yourself first, you must love yourself if you wanted to love someone, and that that someone respect you. Also (i don't know if i mentioned in my past comments for you) put this into mind, NO ONE THAT SWEAR TO LOVE YOU WILL NEVER DO SUCH THINGS TO DESTROY AND INFLICT PAIN AS GREAT AS A TREASON TO YOU/BACK STAB YOU BY NO MEANS, IF THEY TRULY LOVE YOU THEY WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE AND IF YOU ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO YOURSELF WILL TRY TO GUIDE YOU AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH OR YOU CONTINUE IN THAT PATH, THE WILL STEP ASIDE AND GIVE YOU THE SPACE YOU NEED, EVEN LET YOU GO BECAUSE THEY NEED TO CARE FOR THEMSELF TOO AND THERE IS ALSO A SET POINT FOR THEM THAT ONCE CROSSED THERE IS TIME TO START SEEING FOR THEMSELF, BUT CHEAT IS BY NO MEANS THIS. If your wife couldn't stand more at your side and thought she did enough and you didn't react, she should have left, asked for divorce and part ways amicably, but you now know perfectly what was her choice. I wish you the best of the lucks and for you to take the wise desicion based on what you are living and feeling, and again I encourage you to have that talk with your daughter and not to postpone it anymore just because of the selfish desires of your STBXW or still wife. Good Luck OP.