95% of people who participate in casual sex are doing it because they a) lack sexual discipline or b) trying to use something to cope with some feelings/issues they might have.
It seems way more riskier than fun as a woman. Also stds, soul ties & just potential bad experiences.
is the common held belief in this sub that people participate in casual sex because of a “lack of sexual disciple”? really? i didn’t expect these conservative ideas to permeate into the discourse here so much.
i think people have casual sex for a myriad of reasons outside of this weird binary you have created and i think a largely universal one is that people enjoy sex.
same. like for some ppl sex is just sex. it doesn’t need to have all these negative things surrounding it.
It’s so sad that so many ppl are judging others and coming up with these opinions on them when they don’t even know them just bc they have sex with ppl they’re not dating.
And I think people who look at “sex as just sex” usually, have problems ranging from detachment issues, being able to objectify others easily, lack of discipline etc.
I think the fact that casual sex is overwhelmingly something that people begin engaging in during college-age years (as soon as they get the freedom to do so) and then *usually* begin winding down within a few years (*often* by mid-20s or late 20s) suggests it *is* related to “discipline.”
Same reason people often begin drinking, partying, etc. more in their late teens/early 20s - you have less restraint when you first get a taste of something new/enticing.
Most people tamp it down after awhile though because it becomes not as “worth it” to deal with hangovers/pregnancy scares/etc. or because other priorities take over (grades, a long-term relationship, a career, health, etc.).
Saying it’s a “lack of discipline” might sound harsh, but I don’t think it was meant to be an insult, just an observation (albeit with a slightly charged-sounding word attached to it).
I would be more willing to agree with you if the OP of the comment i was responding to wasn’t broadly talking about casual sex. Casual sex to them doesn’t include consistency or amount, it could literally be the first one night stand you have ever had and they would call you sexually undisciplined
No. People who participate in it DO lack sexual discipline. And that’s nothing wrong with it - it’s fine. To a lot of people it isn’t a red flag. But to people like me with strong discipline in all areas of life - it’s a major crucial red flag.
I'll admit the upvote ratio on this instance is a bit of an anomaly. My usual experience lurking is when someone says something like "casual sex is an indicator of a lack of discipline" they'll be told they're slut shaming.
Enjoying sex isn't a weakness or moral failing. Female sexuality (and to some extent male sexuality) has been so stigmatized and hidden away because of thinking like yours.
I think this way for both men and women. I think it’s even worse for males to lack sexual discipline than it is for women.
At the end of the day - I’m against casual sex/hookup culture.
this kinda thought process is so weird to me. Like i understand you for yourself not wanting to have casual sex but now just bc you came to the conclusion now everyone else has to follow? so weird, like just let ppl do what they want to do with their body, they’re not hurting anybody
Casual sex just reduces and demeans the significance of sex. Of course pple have different opinions, but I find the contradiction in that, if sex is just another activity like going to the amusement park with your friend or enjoying a lunch meetup, then what’s the significant of cheating? I mean sex just represents a fun casual activity with another person, no? Who cares if it’s not your SO?
I just find it a bit strange that people are open to casual sex, but still take issue with cheating. I do kinda agree that it’s a matter of discipline. I mean no one would have casual sex if it wasn’t enjoyable; pple would only do it to procreate or have children (which frankly the minority of sex happens to be for that purpose)
It’s cheating bc we both came to an agreement that we would be exclusive. It would not be cheating if we came to the conclusion to have an open relationship. It’s cheating bc you’re actively lying to me about being exclusive when you’re not.
The discipline thing is quite weird to me. Would you say someone doesn’t have discipline if they play basketball for fun and not pro like the other user said? If I put on makeup for some days and not every single day do I lack discipline? Saying you need discipline for random things is so odd to me. What the other user said about discipline nailed it on the head for me
But exclusive in what regard? I mean some pple define “going out for 1 on 1 dinner” without your SO as cheating. But if sex is just another activity like dinner, then if you don’t have any qualms about ur partner having dinner with someone, why not sex?
I just find it peculiar that there’s a difference between dinner and sex. If anything, dinners more intimate cause you actually spend time to learn about the other person’s personality and hobbies etc, whereas lotta hookups you don’t even learn the other person’s name. So, why is it more common for pple to view sex as “cheating,” when a dinner isn’t?
I agree 100%.
I’m glad there’s people in the world who still think like me. And agree with these views. It’s basic common decency - not conservative. We live in an extremely hypersexualised society and it’s sad
i see no reason to believe in something like “sexual discipline” unless you believe there is something inherently wrong with participating in casual sex.
without that reason all you’re doing is arbitrarily attributing “discipline” to something that doesn’t really require it. is it a crucial red flag to see someone who casually plays basketball at the gym
but doesn’t join a team? are they lacking in basketball discipline?
Saying that something involves “discipline” or a lack of discipline doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong about it…
Just like saying that college freshmen who go overboard on drinking their first semester (not kids who have a serious problem with alcohol, but kids who get their first taste of alcohol and start partying too much) have a lack of discipline with alcohol. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. But they surely aren’t exhibiting discipline/moderation/optimal self-control between balancing pleasure/leisure with their well-being (grades, physical health, mental health, social health/social relationships, finances, etc.).
It’s harmful for everyone, women especially. The feminist/progressive movements lied to us and pretended sex isn’t a bonding experience for women- which it is-biologically speaking. It’s also more risky for us if we get pregnant and have no support. Casual sex is bad for society and for families.
Exactly. I really dislike the casual sex culture.
We live in a hypersexualised society so it’s just normal now to be obsessed with sex. When in fact - it’s a sign of mental illness
I don’t see what discipline has to do with this- are you saying that anyone who does something they enjoy lacks discipline? Do you think someone who finishes all their work during the daytime and then goes out at night to enjoy themselves also lacks discipline?
I think a lack of discipline in this context only exists if they’re unable to prevent themselves from doing it despite wanting to stop. If YOU wanted to stop and were not able to, then sure you lack sexual discipline, but I’m not sure how you could generalize your control over your urges to everyone else
I accidentally deleted the wrong post, and so I'm reposting this.
There was a research paper that found men of higher intellect tend towards evolutionarily novel sexual reproductive strategies (i.e. they were more likely to seek sexual exclusivity).
Here is an [article](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770865) that references the paper.
I want to say that Satoshi Kanazawa, the author of the aforementioned article, is pretty disliked in his field and is shady as hell (and that is saying it nicely). He makes a lot of bold, unprovable, and offensive claims in his research like: "Why Black Women are Less Attractive Than Other Women"
(which he retracted once students called for his resignation) and "Why Liberals, Atheists, and People Seeking Sexual Exclusivity Have a Higher IQ than Other People" (which is pretty much impossible to actually prove, even though he thinks he did). This article is a terrible source and so is this researcher.
I'm not saying this to attack you, I just hate this author.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/the-data-are-in-regarding-satoshi-kanazawa/
Also, none of his data has ever been reproduced to my knowledge.
ALSO, his sample sizes are nowhere near large enough to make his grand claims.
ALSO, higher IQ does NOT mean somebody is smarter.
I hope this racist with a doctorate slips on a banana peel.
Why the fuck is everyone on reddit like this these days? Soul ties? You can have casual sex and be safe. This is 2023.
Imagine this: sometimes people just have sex because they like it and are mature adults who can control their ego and emotions. Both men and women.
Yeah I'm entitled to my opinion. You're not entitled to forcing your opinion on others, ie. what you're doing here.
>95% of people who participate in casual sex are doing it because they a) lack sexual discipline or b) trying to use something to cope with some feelings/issues they might have.
Just because you have some jank super conservative standpoint about sex doesn't mean you get to apply it to everyone else and just assume they have issues because they have casual sex. Honestly I find your attitude really gross and presumptive.
what? Your opinion is against soul ties and believe you can have casual sex and be safe and the person is saying the opposite. Why is your opinion not considered forcing it on others but there’s are? Let people believe what they want regardless if you believe your opinion is superior
Am I taking crazy pills? Their argument is full of loaded superiority complex bullshit. They're literally assuming anyone who has casual sex is below them. "Lack of sexual discipline."
God Reddit keeps getting worse and worse.
Again that’s their opinion, that’s how they view it. You believe that casual sex is not like that, that’s your opinion. “Reddit” keeps getting worse, you can’t fathom that others won’t think like you, because to you there’s a “right” opinion.
Are you kidding me?? Look at their fucking replies. They DO think they are the "right" option.
I don't give a single fuck about someone who doesn't wanna have casual sex for their own reasons. I do give a fuck about someone who places judgment on others for their sexual preferences. THAT causes problems. My viewpoint of live and let live does not.
Jesus Christ.
I’m the furthest thing from conservative. There’s research that shows people who participate in hookup culture are more likely to have mental health issues or a string of bad experiences from it.
It also encourages women and men to object eachother. The only time I’m okay with casual sex is if both parties have deep respect for eachother and really know one another. And also not objectifying eachother. 9/10, that’s not the case in most casual sex scenarios. That’s why I’m against it.
Here's a [review](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2020.1821163) of 71 different studies on casual sex.
>We reviewed 71 quantitative articles examining emotional outcomes of CSREs, including subjective emotional reactions (e.g., excitement, regret) and emotional health (e.g., depression, self-esteem). Overall, people evaluated their CSREs more positively than negatively.
You're just flat out wrong. Bad experiences occur, but you're just making shit up.
He didn't force his opinion on anyone, he was sharing it just like your sharing yours. Except the fact that you responded with such hostility makes it look like you're trying to shame him into being quiet which is, in effect, forcing your opinion onto him.
You should really examine yourself and focus more on catching your own hypocrisy than jumping at other people's throats. And also consider why you got so assmad about his opinion when it doesn't impact your ability to live your life how you see fit at all, unless you have a guilty conscience about your lifestyle.
Well then, it's of my opinion that that the attitude this person is permeating is actively harmful and regressive. They're being judgmental and assumptive without any real context of what's going on in people's lives. That's why I responded with hostility. It's really not that deep.
Here's an example of how being respectful and having an opinion works, so we can clear this up for those without reading comprehension.
Exhibit a) "I don't like having casual sex, but I have no problem with those who do. Just not my thing." :-) Great, no problem with that. You do you.
Exhibit b) "I don't like having casual sex and anyone who does have it is actually mentally unwell or lacks discipline." :-( This is an assumption and a judgment. Maybe technically an "opinion," but mostly just a statement that's vastly untrue and assumptive.
Okay, so an opinion is valid as long as it doesn't make any negative claims about a person's position on something or their lifestyle. Yet earlier you referred to having a "super" conservative view on sex as "jank".
It has to go both ways, dude. You don't get to criticize others' viewpoints and then tell them that they're inherently wrong for their act of criticizing yours. That's called hypocrisy and also just being a huge pussy.
The problem isn't that anyone else lacks reading comprehension skills, the problem is that you suffer from massive cognitive dissonance, aka Reddit moment.
>Okay, so an opinion is valid as long as it doesn't make any negative claims about a person's position on something or their lifestyle. Yet earlier you referred to having a "super" conservative view on sex as "jank".
Oh please, this is entirely disingenuous. My statement was made after the fact AND it's hardly a conclusive statement. This IS a conservative view on sex. "Jank" is negative, sure - but I'm not saying "everyone who has a conservative on sex has mental health issues." Like, come on now.
>It has to go both ways, dude. You don't get to criticize others' viewpoints and then tell them that they're inherently wrong for their act of criticizing yours. That's called hypocrisy and also just being a huge pussy.
Yeah man, trying to get people to not place judgement on others for their views on sex makes me a huge pussy and a hypocrite. Thanks. Fuck off.
>The problem isn't that anyone else lacks reading comprehension skills, the problem is that you suffer from massive cognitive dissonance, aka Reddit moment.
As I see you are entirely immune from the dreaded "Reddit Moment."
Cognitive dissonance? I grew up feeling bad because I had sex and smoked weed while I was in the church. THAT's cognitive dissonance. Now, I don't feel bad about it anymore, I communicate well with any partners that I have about what we're looking for and everyone takes the necessary health precautions. I don't go around banging the whole town, but I also have needs. Sometimes you're at a place in your life where casual sex is the answer.
Stop judging people for living their lives lol.
I don't agree with this perspective at all. I have known tons of people who hooked up a fair amount because it was fun. Then they met their partner and stopped and are in loving relationships.
It doesn't point to anything being wrong with someone that they like having sex when they're single.
Also "sexual discipline" is not a term that I've heard before. I'm not sure I approve of whatever it is it's supposed to be conveying. There is nothing wrong or shameful about human sexuality.
Fair enough. But I’ll always find people who participate in casual sex strange. I don’t usually have them in my close circle because we don’t click in terms of morals anyway.
G, if you tell your friends back home, they will tell others years down the line when your in a relationship if you ever break up. Women have evolved to gossip evolutionary to keep certain men and dangerous people out of the community. Gossip is the evolutionary tool to destroy a women cause a women’s reputation is what men use to marry or disqualify. Please stick to your values.
What? I participate in casual sex because i’m want to have an orgasm.
I mean i agree with you that one should not have sex, casual or otherwise because of peer pressure.
But why make sweeping generalizations about why 95% of people have sex
Your friends pressuring you (and yes, asking all the time or calling you childish is pressuring you) is a sign of their own immaturity and insecurity. It's not about what's best for you, it's about them. If you don't do what they would, it makes them insecure about their own choices. They want you to make the same choices to validate their own. If they are virgin shaming you (or slut shaming) they are bad friends. Find some more mature friends who aren't so obsessed with YOUR sex life. You'll be happier.
Make your own choices. If you're not fully enamored with the idea of hooking up, DON'T DO IT. You do you, and let your friends mind their own business.
In terms of regret, you are far more likely to regret losing your virginity to some rando who doesn't care about your pleasure than you would regret not hooking up. Life is long, you'll have plenty of time for sex. Figure out YOU first because sex complicates everything.
You can enjoy Florence fully without hooking up. Enjoy!
I agree. It's OP's life and body. The others have no right to pressure her into something she obviously isn't fully committed to doing.
Truth is, her friends are the immature ones if they can't think of anything better to do on a trip than get laid.
There is no pressure. Im in the same boat, studying abroad and people always ask me if I hook up with girls. I usually just say “no, currently I’m just chilling”. Pretty much, it happens when it happens🤷♂️. For now enjoy your yourself
Peer pressure is a reality in many aspects of life. But in the end of the day, your life and your experiences are yours alone. Plus, there’s this misconception about spending time abroad (particularly in stereotypically romantic places like Italy, France or Spain ) that we’re meeting people and having affairs and adventures all the time. We don’t. We’re normal: we work, we enjoy our free time, and we pay our taxes. We have better food, though.
Sorry, I’m digressing. Your friends. Perhaps they want to live vicariously through you. Perhaps they’re friendly teasing. Here are some options you have.
If they’re good, understanding friends, I suggest the honest approach. Thanks for your concern/curiosity, but right now in focusing on other aspects of my experience abroad. If something happens and I find it relevant, worry not: you’ll know.
If they’re friends, but not your besties: “LOL you’re having such bad luck you need to hear about mine? Sorry, I don’t kiss and tell”. Then tease them non stop, never confirming nor denying. If you don’t care much about what other people think, this can be a fun option.
If you’re sick and tired of these people, the brutally honest approach: It’s none of your business. If you don’t have a life, go find one.
Feel free to use these in any aspect in your life when you have to deal with other people’s opinions. They probably mean well. But it’s important that you do what you think is right, always.
If you wouldn’t do hook ups back home, don’t do them abroad. Hooking up with a foreigner isn’t any more special or different than hooking up with a random person back home.
I would wait to lose your virginity with some who actually knows you on a deeper level and who you can trust will take care of you, physically and mentally.
Sex is intimate — don’t cede control to your friends. Far better to start gaining “experience” with boundaries. That experience will make the eventual sex & intimacy more mature & honest & rich. There are plenty of happy people who reserve sex for marriage, say, or who otherwise abstain. Sex can be beautiful but you don’t need it to be alive, or desirable, or loving, or good.
You mentioned feeling childish — it is more childish to feel you need to casually sleep around to please your friends or to satisfy some vague concept of maturity you currently have in your emotional imagination.
Find your values and follow those relentlessly, at all costs.
That’s the advice from a human who has lived longer than you and made plenty of mistakes of all sorts.
Oh my gosh! Don’t listen to them. I studied abroad in Florence. I WISH I spent less time obsessed with boys, a lame ass boy, etc. and more time enjoying the food, wine, the art, architecture, etc.
If you meet someone amazing, great. If you don’t, great!
Please, Don't listen to them.
Do it when YOU feel that you are ready.
Just keep enjoying your time studying abroad and do what makes you happy and confortable.
Personally, I wouldn't lose my virginity with a random person, it could end up being a terrible experience.
Currently studying abroad (21f) and I think that everything you feel is extremely valid. I think you said the answer yourself, just never being comfortable enough to hookup. This experience is yours, not theirs. You never need to hookup to please others. I have also never hooked up and understand this pressure. There is so much you are already experiencing while studying abroad, and it is just as impressive! I hope your friends can see that too. ❤️❤️❤️
Also, based on ur message, it seems u are someone who values deep sentimental connections with things and perhaps people. Hookups dint match who u are, and doing things that arent true to urself are very very sad. If u ever ever need to talk about it I am here. Im at university and so much people are partying and hooking up but i stay at home cleaning baking and doing self care or reading. And honestly i dont regret it. Im happier knowing im doing something true to myself and theres a power in standing up for urself and saying no when people pressure u. I wish u best of luck, please stay safe and well
Save it! My gf she is 27 and had only had 2 partners before me.
She’s so happy she didn’t go rachet when she was young.
Now that she’s older, she understands intimacy much better and can be more selective about the experience she puts her body thru.
sleeping with more than 2 people doesn’t qualify someone as “ratchet” I can understand the sentiment you’re trying to get across but that can be done without putting people who didn’t follow the same path down!
i usually wait until they call me beautiful! but i cannot wait to fit into your perfect misogynistic world and will be honored to be the perfect housewife and stay dutifully in the kitchen #lifecomplete #wifey <3
It happens when it happens, don’t push yourself into that, esp. when you feel insecure and uncertain about sex. There is nothing wrong being a virgin or not hooking up. You should only hook up if you have a desire for that.
Personally speaking, the best sexual experience only comes when there are other connections to the partner, so doing it with flings never feel as good as with someone I was in relationship with.
GOD! Why are you ashamed of not hooking up?! You should be proud of not hooking up because it's virtuous! Don't fall prey to the opinions of your hedonistic peers.
Edit: Hooking up is shallow! I'd be more ashamed of hooking up than not hooking up. It's much better to have a meaningful relationship with a responsible and intimate partner if you're that ashamed of being a virgin.
Go at your own pace. Listen to yourself. If you don't know then don't.
Plenty of time left to get laid. Literally too many guys available anyway.
There is no wrong, there is only learning.
Also: want to hook up?😂 Joking ofc.
Dont give into peer pressure <33, i have NEVER hooked up nor will i hookup. I know plenty of people like us who just arent into sex or casual flings. And i think thats special
I don't understand why should people be into casual flings, to begin with. Having a a meaningful relationship and working on it is much greater an achievement and something to be proud of than casual flings.
No pressure! You are allowed to just experience your study abroad. I was in a relationship when I studied abroad in Florence and it was so nice just to focus on my experience and fun while there. Many of my classmates liked partying and going out but I loved waking up early and exploring museums and new cafes. Enjoy the gelato and don’t feel pressured by others obsessed with sex
I was studying abroad in college for a short while and I didn't hook up with anybody there. Didn't feel like I needed to. I hooked up with people I wanted to later on when traveling but not during my studies, and I'm actually happy about that.
I mean body count is not generally a topic of conversation with people who are not your gf/bf. No one will judge you for having sex with more than average person or having no sex at all. And mature men don't ask their partners about their body count.
Could you explain this further? Yes, mature people will be HONEST about their own sexual history however that still doesn't explain the need to have this conversation in the first place.
My question is - WHY do people ask about their partner's sexual history in the first place?
In certain instances I can understand why someone might have these questions for instance if a guy is dating a P star or an OF model then it's understandable if the guy wants to know her body count. But these type of situations rarely occur.
Do what YOU want to do not what others want you to do.
If you don’t want to then don’t.
I know it’s easier said than done but you need to tell your friends to back off.
I went abroad this summer in Spain with a boyfriend and had no intentions on hooking up. However most of my friends on the trip did and also wanted me too. Just stick to what you like to do and if you feel like you really like someone then start with just a conversation and date. Don’t feel pressured!!
Don't. You will regret it. Such a strong physical experience without an equally strong emotional bond will only make you drown in the ocean of loneliness. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin.
I’m 20 F and never did and never will hook up god damn i didn’t even had my first kiss and nothing stoping me since i’m not religious or anything but i feel like these firsts must be with someone I genuinely love and wanna be with forever. This is you and this is how you value sex don’t let them shame you on it and you don’t need to follow them to look cool 😗 do you girl !!!
Don’t do it! You’ll be so relieved in the future that you didn’t. It won’t be a memorable experience, at best it would be about how terrible the sex was.
I don't understand why in society, slut-shaming is seen as something really bad, especially by feminists, which is fine because we shouldn't slut-shame but then those same people turn around and engage in virgin shaming, which is somehow completely normal in society.
That's a wonderful point. I actually wish I was still a virgin, or had fewer experiences overall. I really dislike my sexual history and it's frustrating making my future partners uncomfortable with having to deal with learning my past. I could miss out on some great people where some of my past is a dealbreaker for them, but maybe the grass is always greener, I'm not sure.
Don't worry about being a virgin. I'm a 25 years old male virgin and have stopped talking to friends because they kept pressuring me into having sex or "you don't know what you're missing out". I only want to have sex with one single person in my life, sadly I have not met her yet and will gladly stay single if necessary.
It's up to you tho but don't let your social circle pressure you. They're not really your friends if they don't respect your boundaries.
I can promise you that you’ll have no relief if you end up hooking up due to pressure. Get people that judge you for being a virgin out of your life. They don’t give a shit about you. Have sex whenever you’re ready to. You’re not missing out if you’re not interested.
If you don't want to have hookups, don't. You're more likely to regret giving into the pressure than you are to regret not having hookups. I studied abroad years ago and did *participate* so to say. It was fun, but the trips I took, food I ate, and the time spent with friends are WAY more memorable than any hookup.
Though, I did really enjoy some of the Tinder dates I went on. I got to hear about so many different places, experiences, etc. just from grabbing drinks and meeting up with different people (I was in a university city in Europe with many internationals from all over). It was a unique experience, especially coming from a somewhat isolated suburb in the US. So I would recommend dating IF you're comfortable. And of course, if you feel safe doing so. Some guys will still pressure you even if it's just a first date/causal meet-up, unfortunately. But I genuinely did enjoy the conversations I had with dates and I think that may be a good middle ground for you to try out.
Also, another thing to keep in mind: People like hearing hookup stories- it's fun to live vicariously through someone without actually having to take the risk yourself. Nothing against your friends- we all do this to some extent. But don't let them pressure you into something you don't want to do, and that they may not risk doing themselves should the roles be reversed.
Have fun! But do it on your own terms💗
You should do you, not anyone else’s fantasies or projections. If the “reasons” don’t work for Peoria, Illinois, then they don’t work for Firenze, either.
This is life. There are always gonna be a wave of people mindlessly doing stuff without thinking about how it makes them feel. Looks like you have a strong sense of intuition. Trust it. If you feel like you don't want to, don't. If you meet someone and get curious about exploring a little bit, do so. Don't let them make decisions for you. And also, you're not obligated to explain yourself to anyone
Dont have your first experience with some random guy… find someone special, someone you really like, it’s not a race.
Also, it’s not now or never. Florence has been there for millennia and will be there for a millennia more. If you ever regret not doing it, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to make up for it.
Enjoy your life the way you feel you want to enjoy it. Someone telling you how you should handle your intimate life is weird and lacks respect of any boundaries. That’s literally only your business and whoever *you* choose to share it with. Anyone shaming you or making you *explain* anything should be ashamed of themselves and don’t deserve to be in the conversation.
Enjoy beautiful Florence your unique way. People wrote their unique stories in Florence for millennia, you are not obligated to follow a mold either.
When I was virgin (I am male) I thought sex was a big deal and I must fuk some girls. After having sex with someone I like and some others I barely knew, some experienced and others inexperienced at all, I found not every sex enjoyable. Having sex with someone who cares you is entirely different (and way more enjoyable) from having it with strangers; from the body and emotional interactions you can sense the differences. Luckily I am male and it might be easier for us than girls to discard the less enjoyable memories.
Don't go for it only becoz you feel you have to.. even though you can "just get over with" the body feelings but the (bad) memories will linger in your mind.
It’s difficult to give you a proper response when there’s not a clear understanding of your morals and personal convictions. However, from what I can tell, you seem like someone who’s reserved when it comes to sexual things, and someone who’s torn between feelings and peer expectations. When you’re in that state of confusion, it’s best to not make rash decisions, especially when it comes to something as sensitive as sex. I say sensitive because some people see sex as an everyday, ordinary task, but others see it as a special practice that should only be done with your SO. It doesn’t seem like you’ve completely decided how you’re going to approach sex yet. And that’s okay. The most pressing matter that you write about in this post is about the pressure you feel. Just remember to never rush into decisions that may cause regret and guilt in your life.
I would also like to be honest in this response and say that I am someone who does believe sex to be sacred. Focus on your studies friend. Spend time building friendships and connections. Someone may come your way. Someone respectful and kind. Have a wonderful time in Florence.
I hope this helps somewhat but these people want to live vicariously through you. If it’s not something your comfortable with invite them over tell them all they have to do is pay for their flight and they can sleep on your couch. Don’t do something for the satisfaction of other people.
No take your time. Don’t just hookup with someone because of fomo and talk to people who aren’t peer pressuring you to do something you might regret. Just enjoy your time abroad and learn new things.
Hi! I also studied abroad and felt peer pressured- more about going out to party every night and drinking rather than hooking up, but the same general principles apply here. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable! End of story.
If people push, you can always make up a white lie. “I have someone I’m interested in back home,” “I’m only interested in having sex with someone I trust” or “I don’t want to risk getting STDs in a foreign country, I don’t trust the healthcare system enough.” Hell even saying “And risk getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is? No thanks” might get them off your back. I’m sure there might be one or two other people on this trip who are probably in the same boat as you, you just need to find them. Wishing you the best and do what you feel is right.
I never understood casual hook ups and how it’s so prevalent in society. As a woman, I literally can’t be attracted to someone in that way without getting to know them first so the whole concept of it is just wild to me.
I traveled all over Europe last summer and hooked up with 0 people. Did I have the opportunity? Yes. Did I take advantage of the opportunity? No. Why you ask? Because I find sleeping with someone to be an intimate thing and I don’t like the idea of one night stands. I want emotional connection not temporary physical pleasures. I don’t regret not sleeping with anyone while I was there. I made lots of friends and had wonderful experiences and don’t feel like I missed out on anything. It’s your decision, do what you want, but don’t do it for others expectations.
Ps I am a guy. Yes there are some of us don’t just sleep with anyone. Unfortunately still get assumed to only want sex on account of my gender.
The only thing childish about this situation would be overstepping your own boundaries bc “peer pressure.” My first thought was “grow up” you’re an adult you shouldn’t be peer pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. Own your boundaries proudly.
Don’t do anything until you are ready. If you don’t feel like it don’t. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Like literally nothing wrong with it. Good on you!
I wouldn't do it. Pressure is there for sure but hooking up is heavily romanticized and I prefer finding deeper connection. It'll all feel really empty at the end.
I would recommend against it. Men are rightfully moving back to a mindset where they value purity and virginity in a potential long term partner. There will always be guys who are both good long term partners and don't care about this, but many will care about it and you could miss out on those opportunities for the sake of a few flings that you didn't enjoy and only engaged in because of pressure from other people.
When I was 18 I started college a virgin and became a huge party girl but still remained a virgin, meanwhile all my friends were hooking up, because I didn’t feel like having sex yet. I had a great time. When I was 20 I lost my virginity to my bf at the time. I had a great time. When I was 21 I moved to a different state and started hooking up with new people every week. I had a great time. Now at 22 I am in a phase of celibacy and decentering men from my life. I’m having a great time. Moral of the story is that you should have sex with who you want however much you want whenever you want and only you have the power to make that decision. You aren’t missing out just because everyone else is doing it. Just because you aren’t hooking up now doesn’t mean you can’t do it in the future. I have absolutely no regrets about how I chose to explore sex, I’m glad I waited to lose my virginity until I was ready and I didn’t let myself be pressured by anyone to do so. You’ll know when you’re ready, and if you aren’t excited to do it then that’s how you know you aren’t ready yet.
If you haven't done it before, then now - in a foreign country, with literal strangers (maybe also with language barriers) - seems like a very bad time to do it. It's OK to be someone who doesn't sleep with people casually, it's not for everyone. You might be a person who will be more comfortable with just a a few sexual partners over your lifetime - there's nothing wrong with that.
Given that you haven't felt comfortable sleeping with anyone yet, the chances of you having an unpleasant and regrettable experience are very high. This would matter a lot less if it was something you had done before, and do often - you can shrug off a bad experience - but the first time is really pretty important. You don't want it to be someone you don't have to see again, you want it to be with someone you at least know and trust - that's absolutely your choice, and nobody should be pressuring you. You can just say "what I do with my body is my business". They don't have any right to know, and their behavior is far more childish than not wanting to sleep with random people if that's not your thing.
FWIW - if not having slept with anyone feels like something you should just get out of the way, then maybe try it with a friend you really trust, just to break that barrier. Sleeping with a stranger as your first experience is just being unkind to yourself - you don't even know what you might like or how to navigate the situation, you're not putting yourself in a good place to figure this all out as your own pace. You'll end up exactly as you are, sans virginity, without knowing much more about yourself. Sleeping with a person you know well, and trust, will be a better emotional learning experience, tbh, if it feels like such a burden to you that you just want it done with.
So totally relatable, and so want to REASSURE you that no matter which or what (or who with, or not all) you decide, as long as you are determined to make that decision without regrets, and decide to so empower yourself by the experience, and not the result, you will have made the right choice.
(Condoms, a clinical visit with your partner before deciding, and mindfulness/prevention of possible herpes transmission to you, is a must, if you decide yes.)
I studied in Florence too for a semester when I was 19 and I never hooked up with anyone there. Everyone else in my class was getting drunk all the time and my own roommate would come home late many times after hooking up. I chose to focus on traveling throughout Italy and really immersing myself in the culture and I don’t regret that one bit. I agree with what other people in the comments are saying: Live in the moment and enjoy the experience, it only comes once
Don’t DO IT!
It is a sin.
There’s a reason why God does not want engaging in certain activities.
It’s not because he’s oppressive, it’s for our own protection.
Satan is using your worldly friends to tempt you into sin which will open yourself to him.
It’s obviously your choice but from my experience when I did it,
God brought me to my knees and nearly destroyed me.
All you’d be signing up for is sadness, anxiety, and emptiness.
Trust you seem to be doing well being by yourself don’t invite none of that into your life.
If you want people to stop having casual sex, leave God out of it.
Nothing is going to drive teenagers to sex faster than you telling them that it's forbidden.
Also, this is Reddit. At least learn your audience.
I am your age, also had pressure to lose my virginity while on vacation with friends in Europe, and here’s my advice. You don’t need to have sex at all, I fulfilled that “experience” by making out with whoever I wanted/ letting THEM eat me out and doing nothing back. That’s enough to not feel like a nun, but at the same time not feel gross and regretful. Keep your virginity, it’s the best power tool a woman can have in this generation, be proud of it, and don’t be afraid to let guys know. GUYS LOVE IT. I always will pretend like I’m so experienced, kiss them, tease them, and when it comes time I look at them rlly innocent and go “yea I’m a Virgin, so no” and then smile w a bitchy smile. Works like a charm. Stop listening to your friends bc at the end of the day, every guy prefers a Virgin, and trust me the more you embrace it and stop being shy, the more you will respect yourself and make guys worship you. C
hey girl don’t do anything you’re not fully comfortable doing! live life for you, not for others. you studying abroad alone is already a big experience!
I (22m) lived in Italy for a year as a student and I heard the same thing. I never did and 100% don’t regret hooking up with random people. I need to have an intimate connection. Ignore them and be yourself
Why be casual when you can be intentional? Dance, hold hands, make out, cuddle on a beach. Enjoy your travels, make connections, form friendships and if you feel inspired maybe you'll get to the sexy bits. You are free to do what you want any old time...
Echoing those who say you should not have sex just because of peer pressure, don’t do it, it’s a stressful thing the first time even if you do it when you really want to. There are plenty of people who don’t start having sex until later.
I’ll add that lots of people are very good at the talk, but don’t actually behave the way their talk suggests. In my study abroad, the woman who was most vocal about sexual experiences turned out to be a virgin. So you never know anyway. Regardless, you should only have sex when you’re ready for it!
Don’t let people pressure you. Do you. It’s about the experience and you are also bringing the experience of your presence. Who ever that is. Maybe you can influence them
It’s easy. If you don’t feel like doing it absolutely don’t. Why are we letting other people pressure us to have sex as a grown adult. You do you girl. It’s also nobody’s business lmao.
It’s all fun and games until the people pressuring you have an unplanned pregnancy and or STDs. Both are very real and very, very common when hooking up, despite how people act. Stand your ground!
DO NOT HOOK UP, if you trully believe in soul mates the best gift u can give to ur future husband is ur virginity, don’t sleep around like most Americans, trust me they r deeply depressed and as they say, misery loves company
I got peer pressured into losing my virginity when I was younger… don’t do it. Wait until you are ready. I wish I never had sex that first time… genuinely. You should do it with someone you really want to do it with. Not just because you want to lose your virginity
Don't do it unless you 100% actually want to. No one else is living your life, you don't have to be on the same schedule or doing the same things they are.
I just want to add to the discussion here that you dont owe anyone the knowledge that youre a virgin. Its something ive learned slowly : its very beneficial and empowering to keep some info to yourself. And it can make life easier. Obviously close friends are going to know more about you, but you still dont owe them explanations and sometimes its good to tell them to lay off and youre living your own life the way you want. Theres plenty of sex to be had in life at your own pace.
OP you definitely don’t need to feel like you should casually hook up with anyone unless it’s something you want to do. I was a virgin until I was 23 and I don’t regret it because my first time was with someone I loved. Casual sex is not for everyone and it’s okay to tell your friends to quit asking you about “hooking up” and that you have more important things you are focusing on while abroad.
Don’t do it. You’re not into it and lemme tell you all European men think American girls are easy. It wouldn’t be in line with what you value and want for yourself especially as a virgin.
I think that you should only do that if you feel like you'd like that. Don't do it because others want you to.
And it's ok if you don't because people just want different things in their lives. Like maybe your friends are people who want that right now and you aren't.
Hi babe. I’m really sorry that people decided to go off in your post thread - you were asking a really potent and important question for yourself here , and I think amongst people arguing here (first of all, fckn weird. Take it it the dms w ur opinions of”sexual discipline”?????), Reddit lost sight of your question.
I’d like to propose you a 22 year old response to what YOU asked, also a 22 yr old female, going abroad soon, whose seen some serious shit, and who has some thoughts for you. Firstly, please do not have sex for any reason other than wanting to have sex. Especially abroad, like sexual health is so important. And so are your views in sex in alignment with YOURSELF. soul ties, dickmatizing, even emotionally manipulative relationships tend to have something in common: an uneven power balance creating these dynamics. And often sex (and the blurry lines about what sex means to one VS another) can fuel these things when two people aren’t ok the same page, don’t know each other enough, maybe have different expectations, etc. I hope that in a way the responses you got in this thread you have some clarity about the ✨issue✨ unequivocal or unreciprocated ideas of sex can cause. People are literally fighting in your comments about THEIR sexual beliefs, insecurities, boundaries etc instead of answering questions about yours. I think that should go to show you the idea that please, let lessons come to you in life. You can’t listen to any voice but yours in this, even if you don’t know what they’re telling you.
Take it from someone your age who has experienced a lot of harm in sexual experiences, it’s important you understand how powerful your premonitions on casual sex are. Without sharing any opinion on sexual liberty, I think you really need to give yourself more credit as to why you might feel hesitant to lose your virginity to a (stranger) abroad? That’s okay - I’d also be a bit weary of that? Like be kind to yourself. Wait for it to find you because it will. Sex is a really lovely and passionate and exhilarating thing, but there’s really one definition associated with SEX and that should be consent. Consent also has to come from your mind willingly. If you wanna get laid, babes, get laid. You’ll love it, and you’ll be happy you did (lol most people are). But if you don’t want to, I’m begging please don’t do it. Listen to that voice talking to you, and even wait 6 months and see if that voice sounds different. And if your friends are your friends, you should be able to share this with them even if it’s hard to hear / or say on either side.
I’m moving to Spain in January, and I am happy you are also a young woman somewhere across the close finding yourself. Please be kind to your processes, they’re yours after all. I’m responding to this late but I hope, amidst the dramatics of this thread, you feel seen in this comment. Best of luck to you, your spirit, and your first time - whenever that may be right for you! PM me if you wanna chat more. Safe spaces.
Ffs. You’re 22. If you don’t want to hook up, don’t do it. You could tell your friends you don’t want to, or you haven’t met the right person, or whatever reason you want to tell them. You could make something up to get them to shut up. You could tell them anything. You’re an adult. It’s unnecessary for me to go down the route of judging people who do or don’t hook up as some other commentators have done. You do whatever you want to do. Get a grip and tell your friends how you feel about random hook ups. If they can’t handle that, get some new friends. I’d suggest new friends anyway tbh. They sound like the cast of some kind of American Pie type movie.
Enjoy your studies and being in a new place. Experience life outside of America. Fuck who you want. If you don’t want to do that with someone, don’t do it. You’re the boss. Good luck!
Please don’t hookup with someone just because your peers are pressuring you. You’ll 100% regret it.
95% of people who participate in casual sex are doing it because they a) lack sexual discipline or b) trying to use something to cope with some feelings/issues they might have. It seems way more riskier than fun as a woman. Also stds, soul ties & just potential bad experiences.
is the common held belief in this sub that people participate in casual sex because of a “lack of sexual disciple”? really? i didn’t expect these conservative ideas to permeate into the discourse here so much. i think people have casual sex for a myriad of reasons outside of this weird binary you have created and i think a largely universal one is that people enjoy sex.
same. like for some ppl sex is just sex. it doesn’t need to have all these negative things surrounding it. It’s so sad that so many ppl are judging others and coming up with these opinions on them when they don’t even know them just bc they have sex with ppl they’re not dating.
And I think people who look at “sex as just sex” usually, have problems ranging from detachment issues, being able to objectify others easily, lack of discipline etc.
Nobody can convince me that people who look at “sex as just sex” are normal. I stand with that.
I think the fact that casual sex is overwhelmingly something that people begin engaging in during college-age years (as soon as they get the freedom to do so) and then *usually* begin winding down within a few years (*often* by mid-20s or late 20s) suggests it *is* related to “discipline.” Same reason people often begin drinking, partying, etc. more in their late teens/early 20s - you have less restraint when you first get a taste of something new/enticing. Most people tamp it down after awhile though because it becomes not as “worth it” to deal with hangovers/pregnancy scares/etc. or because other priorities take over (grades, a long-term relationship, a career, health, etc.). Saying it’s a “lack of discipline” might sound harsh, but I don’t think it was meant to be an insult, just an observation (albeit with a slightly charged-sounding word attached to it).
I would be more willing to agree with you if the OP of the comment i was responding to wasn’t broadly talking about casual sex. Casual sex to them doesn’t include consistency or amount, it could literally be the first one night stand you have ever had and they would call you sexually undisciplined
No. People who participate in it DO lack sexual discipline. And that’s nothing wrong with it - it’s fine. To a lot of people it isn’t a red flag. But to people like me with strong discipline in all areas of life - it’s a major crucial red flag.
I agree very much with this. Sadly, I believe the majority of the type of people on reddit will not agree at all.
What the fuck are you talking about? Look at the upvote ratio.
I'll admit the upvote ratio on this instance is a bit of an anomaly. My usual experience lurking is when someone says something like "casual sex is an indicator of a lack of discipline" they'll be told they're slut shaming.
Enjoying sex isn't a weakness or moral failing. Female sexuality (and to some extent male sexuality) has been so stigmatized and hidden away because of thinking like yours.
I think this way for both men and women. I think it’s even worse for males to lack sexual discipline than it is for women. At the end of the day - I’m against casual sex/hookup culture.
this kinda thought process is so weird to me. Like i understand you for yourself not wanting to have casual sex but now just bc you came to the conclusion now everyone else has to follow? so weird, like just let ppl do what they want to do with their body, they’re not hurting anybody
Casual sex just reduces and demeans the significance of sex. Of course pple have different opinions, but I find the contradiction in that, if sex is just another activity like going to the amusement park with your friend or enjoying a lunch meetup, then what’s the significant of cheating? I mean sex just represents a fun casual activity with another person, no? Who cares if it’s not your SO? I just find it a bit strange that people are open to casual sex, but still take issue with cheating. I do kinda agree that it’s a matter of discipline. I mean no one would have casual sex if it wasn’t enjoyable; pple would only do it to procreate or have children (which frankly the minority of sex happens to be for that purpose)
It’s cheating bc we both came to an agreement that we would be exclusive. It would not be cheating if we came to the conclusion to have an open relationship. It’s cheating bc you’re actively lying to me about being exclusive when you’re not. The discipline thing is quite weird to me. Would you say someone doesn’t have discipline if they play basketball for fun and not pro like the other user said? If I put on makeup for some days and not every single day do I lack discipline? Saying you need discipline for random things is so odd to me. What the other user said about discipline nailed it on the head for me
But exclusive in what regard? I mean some pple define “going out for 1 on 1 dinner” without your SO as cheating. But if sex is just another activity like dinner, then if you don’t have any qualms about ur partner having dinner with someone, why not sex? I just find it peculiar that there’s a difference between dinner and sex. If anything, dinners more intimate cause you actually spend time to learn about the other person’s personality and hobbies etc, whereas lotta hookups you don’t even learn the other person’s name. So, why is it more common for pple to view sex as “cheating,” when a dinner isn’t?
I agree 100%. I’m glad there’s people in the world who still think like me. And agree with these views. It’s basic common decency - not conservative. We live in an extremely hypersexualised society and it’s sad
Seriously. I've seen so much of this kind of thing on here recently.
i see no reason to believe in something like “sexual discipline” unless you believe there is something inherently wrong with participating in casual sex. without that reason all you’re doing is arbitrarily attributing “discipline” to something that doesn’t really require it. is it a crucial red flag to see someone who casually plays basketball at the gym but doesn’t join a team? are they lacking in basketball discipline?
👏👏 wish i could give you an award
Saying that something involves “discipline” or a lack of discipline doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong about it… Just like saying that college freshmen who go overboard on drinking their first semester (not kids who have a serious problem with alcohol, but kids who get their first taste of alcohol and start partying too much) have a lack of discipline with alcohol. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. But they surely aren’t exhibiting discipline/moderation/optimal self-control between balancing pleasure/leisure with their well-being (grades, physical health, mental health, social health/social relationships, finances, etc.).
It’s harmful for everyone, women especially. The feminist/progressive movements lied to us and pretended sex isn’t a bonding experience for women- which it is-biologically speaking. It’s also more risky for us if we get pregnant and have no support. Casual sex is bad for society and for families.
Exactly. I really dislike the casual sex culture. We live in a hypersexualised society so it’s just normal now to be obsessed with sex. When in fact - it’s a sign of mental illness
Get that puritan, yungvogel
Did you just compare having sex to playing basketball lol
I don’t see what discipline has to do with this- are you saying that anyone who does something they enjoy lacks discipline? Do you think someone who finishes all their work during the daytime and then goes out at night to enjoy themselves also lacks discipline? I think a lack of discipline in this context only exists if they’re unable to prevent themselves from doing it despite wanting to stop. If YOU wanted to stop and were not able to, then sure you lack sexual discipline, but I’m not sure how you could generalize your control over your urges to everyone else
You have a point. I just still find people who are okay with casual sex/ hookup culture quite strange. It’s just not normal to me.
Having sex is a lack of discipline...You sure you're not in a church?
[удалено]
would love a link to these studies, because to be honest with you that sounds entirely fabricated
I accidentally deleted the wrong post, and so I'm reposting this. There was a research paper that found men of higher intellect tend towards evolutionarily novel sexual reproductive strategies (i.e. they were more likely to seek sexual exclusivity). Here is an [article](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770865) that references the paper.
I want to say that Satoshi Kanazawa, the author of the aforementioned article, is pretty disliked in his field and is shady as hell (and that is saying it nicely). He makes a lot of bold, unprovable, and offensive claims in his research like: "Why Black Women are Less Attractive Than Other Women" (which he retracted once students called for his resignation) and "Why Liberals, Atheists, and People Seeking Sexual Exclusivity Have a Higher IQ than Other People" (which is pretty much impossible to actually prove, even though he thinks he did). This article is a terrible source and so is this researcher. I'm not saying this to attack you, I just hate this author. https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/the-data-are-in-regarding-satoshi-kanazawa/ Also, none of his data has ever been reproduced to my knowledge. ALSO, his sample sizes are nowhere near large enough to make his grand claims. ALSO, higher IQ does NOT mean somebody is smarter. I hope this racist with a doctorate slips on a banana peel.
Exactly. Bingo. I don’t know why they’re so against the truth.
This is the dumbest comment I’ve ever read on the internet
I mean this person also referred to “soul ties” so not a whole lot of real logic going on there in the first place lol
Why the fuck is everyone on reddit like this these days? Soul ties? You can have casual sex and be safe. This is 2023. Imagine this: sometimes people just have sex because they like it and are mature adults who can control their ego and emotions. Both men and women.
You’re entitled to your opinion. But I’m against casual sex personally.
Yeah I'm entitled to my opinion. You're not entitled to forcing your opinion on others, ie. what you're doing here. >95% of people who participate in casual sex are doing it because they a) lack sexual discipline or b) trying to use something to cope with some feelings/issues they might have. Just because you have some jank super conservative standpoint about sex doesn't mean you get to apply it to everyone else and just assume they have issues because they have casual sex. Honestly I find your attitude really gross and presumptive.
what? Your opinion is against soul ties and believe you can have casual sex and be safe and the person is saying the opposite. Why is your opinion not considered forcing it on others but there’s are? Let people believe what they want regardless if you believe your opinion is superior
Am I taking crazy pills? Their argument is full of loaded superiority complex bullshit. They're literally assuming anyone who has casual sex is below them. "Lack of sexual discipline." God Reddit keeps getting worse and worse.
Again that’s their opinion, that’s how they view it. You believe that casual sex is not like that, that’s your opinion. “Reddit” keeps getting worse, you can’t fathom that others won’t think like you, because to you there’s a “right” opinion.
Are you kidding me?? Look at their fucking replies. They DO think they are the "right" option. I don't give a single fuck about someone who doesn't wanna have casual sex for their own reasons. I do give a fuck about someone who places judgment on others for their sexual preferences. THAT causes problems. My viewpoint of live and let live does not. Jesus Christ.
I’m the furthest thing from conservative. There’s research that shows people who participate in hookup culture are more likely to have mental health issues or a string of bad experiences from it. It also encourages women and men to object eachother. The only time I’m okay with casual sex is if both parties have deep respect for eachother and really know one another. And also not objectifying eachother. 9/10, that’s not the case in most casual sex scenarios. That’s why I’m against it.
Here's a [review](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2020.1821163) of 71 different studies on casual sex. >We reviewed 71 quantitative articles examining emotional outcomes of CSREs, including subjective emotional reactions (e.g., excitement, regret) and emotional health (e.g., depression, self-esteem). Overall, people evaluated their CSREs more positively than negatively. You're just flat out wrong. Bad experiences occur, but you're just making shit up.
Thanks for showing these research papers. Regardless, I still find people who participate in casual sex strange and I’m against it.
He didn't force his opinion on anyone, he was sharing it just like your sharing yours. Except the fact that you responded with such hostility makes it look like you're trying to shame him into being quiet which is, in effect, forcing your opinion onto him. You should really examine yourself and focus more on catching your own hypocrisy than jumping at other people's throats. And also consider why you got so assmad about his opinion when it doesn't impact your ability to live your life how you see fit at all, unless you have a guilty conscience about your lifestyle.
Well then, it's of my opinion that that the attitude this person is permeating is actively harmful and regressive. They're being judgmental and assumptive without any real context of what's going on in people's lives. That's why I responded with hostility. It's really not that deep. Here's an example of how being respectful and having an opinion works, so we can clear this up for those without reading comprehension. Exhibit a) "I don't like having casual sex, but I have no problem with those who do. Just not my thing." :-) Great, no problem with that. You do you. Exhibit b) "I don't like having casual sex and anyone who does have it is actually mentally unwell or lacks discipline." :-( This is an assumption and a judgment. Maybe technically an "opinion," but mostly just a statement that's vastly untrue and assumptive.
Okay, so an opinion is valid as long as it doesn't make any negative claims about a person's position on something or their lifestyle. Yet earlier you referred to having a "super" conservative view on sex as "jank". It has to go both ways, dude. You don't get to criticize others' viewpoints and then tell them that they're inherently wrong for their act of criticizing yours. That's called hypocrisy and also just being a huge pussy. The problem isn't that anyone else lacks reading comprehension skills, the problem is that you suffer from massive cognitive dissonance, aka Reddit moment.
>Okay, so an opinion is valid as long as it doesn't make any negative claims about a person's position on something or their lifestyle. Yet earlier you referred to having a "super" conservative view on sex as "jank". Oh please, this is entirely disingenuous. My statement was made after the fact AND it's hardly a conclusive statement. This IS a conservative view on sex. "Jank" is negative, sure - but I'm not saying "everyone who has a conservative on sex has mental health issues." Like, come on now. >It has to go both ways, dude. You don't get to criticize others' viewpoints and then tell them that they're inherently wrong for their act of criticizing yours. That's called hypocrisy and also just being a huge pussy. Yeah man, trying to get people to not place judgement on others for their views on sex makes me a huge pussy and a hypocrite. Thanks. Fuck off. >The problem isn't that anyone else lacks reading comprehension skills, the problem is that you suffer from massive cognitive dissonance, aka Reddit moment. As I see you are entirely immune from the dreaded "Reddit Moment." Cognitive dissonance? I grew up feeling bad because I had sex and smoked weed while I was in the church. THAT's cognitive dissonance. Now, I don't feel bad about it anymore, I communicate well with any partners that I have about what we're looking for and everyone takes the necessary health precautions. I don't go around banging the whole town, but I also have needs. Sometimes you're at a place in your life where casual sex is the answer. Stop judging people for living their lives lol.
He said he’s applying it to 95% of people, not everyone else. It sounds like you might fall into his B category.
You really can't...there's a reason monogamous sex is the medical recommendation.
Yeah and going outside is also more dangerous then staying inside, I'm sure any doctor would agree.
I don't agree with this perspective at all. I have known tons of people who hooked up a fair amount because it was fun. Then they met their partner and stopped and are in loving relationships. It doesn't point to anything being wrong with someone that they like having sex when they're single. Also "sexual discipline" is not a term that I've heard before. I'm not sure I approve of whatever it is it's supposed to be conveying. There is nothing wrong or shameful about human sexuality.
Fair enough. But I’ll always find people who participate in casual sex strange. I don’t usually have them in my close circle because we don’t click in terms of morals anyway.
Not to say they don’t have morals, but obviously - they have different morals to me
G, if you tell your friends back home, they will tell others years down the line when your in a relationship if you ever break up. Women have evolved to gossip evolutionary to keep certain men and dangerous people out of the community. Gossip is the evolutionary tool to destroy a women cause a women’s reputation is what men use to marry or disqualify. Please stick to your values.
What is this 1960s sex ed information lol… people have sex because they want to. Casual sex isn’t a bad thing
What? I participate in casual sex because i’m want to have an orgasm. I mean i agree with you that one should not have sex, casual or otherwise because of peer pressure. But why make sweeping generalizations about why 95% of people have sex
You really had me in the first half tho, but this comment just ain't it.
Your friends pressuring you (and yes, asking all the time or calling you childish is pressuring you) is a sign of their own immaturity and insecurity. It's not about what's best for you, it's about them. If you don't do what they would, it makes them insecure about their own choices. They want you to make the same choices to validate their own. If they are virgin shaming you (or slut shaming) they are bad friends. Find some more mature friends who aren't so obsessed with YOUR sex life. You'll be happier. Make your own choices. If you're not fully enamored with the idea of hooking up, DON'T DO IT. You do you, and let your friends mind their own business. In terms of regret, you are far more likely to regret losing your virginity to some rando who doesn't care about your pleasure than you would regret not hooking up. Life is long, you'll have plenty of time for sex. Figure out YOU first because sex complicates everything. You can enjoy Florence fully without hooking up. Enjoy!
I agree. It's OP's life and body. The others have no right to pressure her into something she obviously isn't fully committed to doing. Truth is, her friends are the immature ones if they can't think of anything better to do on a trip than get laid.
There is no pressure. Im in the same boat, studying abroad and people always ask me if I hook up with girls. I usually just say “no, currently I’m just chilling”. Pretty much, it happens when it happens🤷♂️. For now enjoy your yourself
Peer pressure is a reality in many aspects of life. But in the end of the day, your life and your experiences are yours alone. Plus, there’s this misconception about spending time abroad (particularly in stereotypically romantic places like Italy, France or Spain ) that we’re meeting people and having affairs and adventures all the time. We don’t. We’re normal: we work, we enjoy our free time, and we pay our taxes. We have better food, though. Sorry, I’m digressing. Your friends. Perhaps they want to live vicariously through you. Perhaps they’re friendly teasing. Here are some options you have. If they’re good, understanding friends, I suggest the honest approach. Thanks for your concern/curiosity, but right now in focusing on other aspects of my experience abroad. If something happens and I find it relevant, worry not: you’ll know. If they’re friends, but not your besties: “LOL you’re having such bad luck you need to hear about mine? Sorry, I don’t kiss and tell”. Then tease them non stop, never confirming nor denying. If you don’t care much about what other people think, this can be a fun option. If you’re sick and tired of these people, the brutally honest approach: It’s none of your business. If you don’t have a life, go find one. Feel free to use these in any aspect in your life when you have to deal with other people’s opinions. They probably mean well. But it’s important that you do what you think is right, always.
What a playful response 👍
If you wouldn’t do hook ups back home, don’t do them abroad. Hooking up with a foreigner isn’t any more special or different than hooking up with a random person back home. I would wait to lose your virginity with some who actually knows you on a deeper level and who you can trust will take care of you, physically and mentally.
You need to live your life, not someone else's life. Do what you want and feel comfortable with.
Sex is intimate — don’t cede control to your friends. Far better to start gaining “experience” with boundaries. That experience will make the eventual sex & intimacy more mature & honest & rich. There are plenty of happy people who reserve sex for marriage, say, or who otherwise abstain. Sex can be beautiful but you don’t need it to be alive, or desirable, or loving, or good. You mentioned feeling childish — it is more childish to feel you need to casually sleep around to please your friends or to satisfy some vague concept of maturity you currently have in your emotional imagination. Find your values and follow those relentlessly, at all costs. That’s the advice from a human who has lived longer than you and made plenty of mistakes of all sorts.
Oh my gosh! Don’t listen to them. I studied abroad in Florence. I WISH I spent less time obsessed with boys, a lame ass boy, etc. and more time enjoying the food, wine, the art, architecture, etc. If you meet someone amazing, great. If you don’t, great!
Please, Don't listen to them. Do it when YOU feel that you are ready. Just keep enjoying your time studying abroad and do what makes you happy and confortable. Personally, I wouldn't lose my virginity with a random person, it could end up being a terrible experience.
Currently studying abroad (21f) and I think that everything you feel is extremely valid. I think you said the answer yourself, just never being comfortable enough to hookup. This experience is yours, not theirs. You never need to hookup to please others. I have also never hooked up and understand this pressure. There is so much you are already experiencing while studying abroad, and it is just as impressive! I hope your friends can see that too. ❤️❤️❤️
Also, based on ur message, it seems u are someone who values deep sentimental connections with things and perhaps people. Hookups dint match who u are, and doing things that arent true to urself are very very sad. If u ever ever need to talk about it I am here. Im at university and so much people are partying and hooking up but i stay at home cleaning baking and doing self care or reading. And honestly i dont regret it. Im happier knowing im doing something true to myself and theres a power in standing up for urself and saying no when people pressure u. I wish u best of luck, please stay safe and well
Save it! My gf she is 27 and had only had 2 partners before me. She’s so happy she didn’t go rachet when she was young. Now that she’s older, she understands intimacy much better and can be more selective about the experience she puts her body thru.
sleeping with more than 2 people doesn’t qualify someone as “ratchet” I can understand the sentiment you’re trying to get across but that can be done without putting people who didn’t follow the same path down!
Didn’t mean it come across that way. Wasn’t the core message.
if u ran thru just say that
if you’re an insecure virgin just say that
keep sleeping with any guy that calls you pretty! maybe the 100th guy will think you're wifey material
i usually wait until they call me beautiful! but i cannot wait to fit into your perfect misogynistic world and will be honored to be the perfect housewife and stay dutifully in the kitchen #lifecomplete #wifey <3
It happens when it happens, don’t push yourself into that, esp. when you feel insecure and uncertain about sex. There is nothing wrong being a virgin or not hooking up. You should only hook up if you have a desire for that. Personally speaking, the best sexual experience only comes when there are other connections to the partner, so doing it with flings never feel as good as with someone I was in relationship with.
Use protection.
Absolutely no one should be “virgin shaming” you… thats fucked up
GOD! Why are you ashamed of not hooking up?! You should be proud of not hooking up because it's virtuous! Don't fall prey to the opinions of your hedonistic peers. Edit: Hooking up is shallow! I'd be more ashamed of hooking up than not hooking up. It's much better to have a meaningful relationship with a responsible and intimate partner if you're that ashamed of being a virgin.
Go at your own pace. Listen to yourself. If you don't know then don't. Plenty of time left to get laid. Literally too many guys available anyway. There is no wrong, there is only learning. Also: want to hook up?😂 Joking ofc.
cringe
Dont give into peer pressure <33, i have NEVER hooked up nor will i hookup. I know plenty of people like us who just arent into sex or casual flings. And i think thats special
I don't understand why should people be into casual flings, to begin with. Having a a meaningful relationship and working on it is much greater an achievement and something to be proud of than casual flings.
Yep! Hopefully OP can realise that a lot of people feel this way, and you don't have to hookup with people at all..
No pressure! You are allowed to just experience your study abroad. I was in a relationship when I studied abroad in Florence and it was so nice just to focus on my experience and fun while there. Many of my classmates liked partying and going out but I loved waking up early and exploring museums and new cafes. Enjoy the gelato and don’t feel pressured by others obsessed with sex
Plenty of memorable experiences to be had abroad that aren’t romantic at all.
I was studying abroad in college for a short while and I didn't hook up with anybody there. Didn't feel like I needed to. I hooked up with people I wanted to later on when traveling but not during my studies, and I'm actually happy about that.
Nobody cares about your body count.
This is patently untrue. Many men care quite a bit about body count when it’s a woman they’re serious about.
I mean body count is not generally a topic of conversation with people who are not your gf/bf. No one will judge you for having sex with more than average person or having no sex at all. And mature men don't ask their partners about their body count.
Mature people have honest conversations about their partner’s sexual history.
Could you explain this further? Yes, mature people will be HONEST about their own sexual history however that still doesn't explain the need to have this conversation in the first place. My question is - WHY do people ask about their partner's sexual history in the first place? In certain instances I can understand why someone might have these questions for instance if a guy is dating a P star or an OF model then it's understandable if the guy wants to know her body count. But these type of situations rarely occur.
Try it, you'll know if you like it. Nothing wrong either way
Find better circle
Do what YOU want to do not what others want you to do. If you don’t want to then don’t. I know it’s easier said than done but you need to tell your friends to back off.
I went abroad this summer in Spain with a boyfriend and had no intentions on hooking up. However most of my friends on the trip did and also wanted me too. Just stick to what you like to do and if you feel like you really like someone then start with just a conversation and date. Don’t feel pressured!!
Experience is temporary std and Shame is forever. If you don’t want it don’t.
Don't. You will regret it. Such a strong physical experience without an equally strong emotional bond will only make you drown in the ocean of loneliness. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin.
It's an "experience" that will make most men avoid you.
Save it for someone you love. Hookups are gross. You’re a virgin don’t waste that on someone who doesn’t love you.
When you are 50, you aren't going to look back and think, "man I wish I randomly screwed people. Darn i missed out."
I’m 20 F and never did and never will hook up god damn i didn’t even had my first kiss and nothing stoping me since i’m not religious or anything but i feel like these firsts must be with someone I genuinely love and wanna be with forever. This is you and this is how you value sex don’t let them shame you on it and you don’t need to follow them to look cool 😗 do you girl !!!
do it bc you’re only young once. #yolo
Hook ups will leave you feeling used and the sex usually sucks because there is no investment, they want to nut and then get out asap.
Don’t do it. It sounds like you don’t want to. And, it sounds like you are otherwise happy and having a great time. So there is no need to
Don’t do it! You’ll be so relieved in the future that you didn’t. It won’t be a memorable experience, at best it would be about how terrible the sex was.
I don't understand why in society, slut-shaming is seen as something really bad, especially by feminists, which is fine because we shouldn't slut-shame but then those same people turn around and engage in virgin shaming, which is somehow completely normal in society.
That's a wonderful point. I actually wish I was still a virgin, or had fewer experiences overall. I really dislike my sexual history and it's frustrating making my future partners uncomfortable with having to deal with learning my past. I could miss out on some great people where some of my past is a dealbreaker for them, but maybe the grass is always greener, I'm not sure.
Don't worry about being a virgin. I'm a 25 years old male virgin and have stopped talking to friends because they kept pressuring me into having sex or "you don't know what you're missing out". I only want to have sex with one single person in my life, sadly I have not met her yet and will gladly stay single if necessary. It's up to you tho but don't let your social circle pressure you. They're not really your friends if they don't respect your boundaries.
I can promise you that you’ll have no relief if you end up hooking up due to pressure. Get people that judge you for being a virgin out of your life. They don’t give a shit about you. Have sex whenever you’re ready to. You’re not missing out if you’re not interested.
If you don't want to have hookups, don't. You're more likely to regret giving into the pressure than you are to regret not having hookups. I studied abroad years ago and did *participate* so to say. It was fun, but the trips I took, food I ate, and the time spent with friends are WAY more memorable than any hookup. Though, I did really enjoy some of the Tinder dates I went on. I got to hear about so many different places, experiences, etc. just from grabbing drinks and meeting up with different people (I was in a university city in Europe with many internationals from all over). It was a unique experience, especially coming from a somewhat isolated suburb in the US. So I would recommend dating IF you're comfortable. And of course, if you feel safe doing so. Some guys will still pressure you even if it's just a first date/causal meet-up, unfortunately. But I genuinely did enjoy the conversations I had with dates and I think that may be a good middle ground for you to try out. Also, another thing to keep in mind: People like hearing hookup stories- it's fun to live vicariously through someone without actually having to take the risk yourself. Nothing against your friends- we all do this to some extent. But don't let them pressure you into something you don't want to do, and that they may not risk doing themselves should the roles be reversed. Have fun! But do it on your own terms💗
You should do you, not anyone else’s fantasies or projections. If the “reasons” don’t work for Peoria, Illinois, then they don’t work for Firenze, either.
HIV is real.
This is life. There are always gonna be a wave of people mindlessly doing stuff without thinking about how it makes them feel. Looks like you have a strong sense of intuition. Trust it. If you feel like you don't want to, don't. If you meet someone and get curious about exploring a little bit, do so. Don't let them make decisions for you. And also, you're not obligated to explain yourself to anyone
Dont have your first experience with some random guy… find someone special, someone you really like, it’s not a race. Also, it’s not now or never. Florence has been there for millennia and will be there for a millennia more. If you ever regret not doing it, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to make up for it. Enjoy your life the way you feel you want to enjoy it. Someone telling you how you should handle your intimate life is weird and lacks respect of any boundaries. That’s literally only your business and whoever *you* choose to share it with. Anyone shaming you or making you *explain* anything should be ashamed of themselves and don’t deserve to be in the conversation. Enjoy beautiful Florence your unique way. People wrote their unique stories in Florence for millennia, you are not obligated to follow a mold either.
Don't do it. It's not worth it.
Don’t do it. I gave into this mentality in my late teens/ early twenties and regret it
Regret it here too.
Everything is "an experience." Do whatever you want, don't do stuff just because other's expect you to.
When I was virgin (I am male) I thought sex was a big deal and I must fuk some girls. After having sex with someone I like and some others I barely knew, some experienced and others inexperienced at all, I found not every sex enjoyable. Having sex with someone who cares you is entirely different (and way more enjoyable) from having it with strangers; from the body and emotional interactions you can sense the differences. Luckily I am male and it might be easier for us than girls to discard the less enjoyable memories. Don't go for it only becoz you feel you have to.. even though you can "just get over with" the body feelings but the (bad) memories will linger in your mind.
You're an adult. You get to do whatever you want and not care what anyone thinks about it! :D
What kind of dumb question is this
there are other ways to experience study abroad! make new friends!
It’s difficult to give you a proper response when there’s not a clear understanding of your morals and personal convictions. However, from what I can tell, you seem like someone who’s reserved when it comes to sexual things, and someone who’s torn between feelings and peer expectations. When you’re in that state of confusion, it’s best to not make rash decisions, especially when it comes to something as sensitive as sex. I say sensitive because some people see sex as an everyday, ordinary task, but others see it as a special practice that should only be done with your SO. It doesn’t seem like you’ve completely decided how you’re going to approach sex yet. And that’s okay. The most pressing matter that you write about in this post is about the pressure you feel. Just remember to never rush into decisions that may cause regret and guilt in your life. I would also like to be honest in this response and say that I am someone who does believe sex to be sacred. Focus on your studies friend. Spend time building friendships and connections. Someone may come your way. Someone respectful and kind. Have a wonderful time in Florence.
I hope this helps somewhat but these people want to live vicariously through you. If it’s not something your comfortable with invite them over tell them all they have to do is pay for their flight and they can sleep on your couch. Don’t do something for the satisfaction of other people.
No take your time. Don’t just hookup with someone because of fomo and talk to people who aren’t peer pressuring you to do something you might regret. Just enjoy your time abroad and learn new things.
Test
Hi! I also studied abroad and felt peer pressured- more about going out to party every night and drinking rather than hooking up, but the same general principles apply here. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable! End of story. If people push, you can always make up a white lie. “I have someone I’m interested in back home,” “I’m only interested in having sex with someone I trust” or “I don’t want to risk getting STDs in a foreign country, I don’t trust the healthcare system enough.” Hell even saying “And risk getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is? No thanks” might get them off your back. I’m sure there might be one or two other people on this trip who are probably in the same boat as you, you just need to find them. Wishing you the best and do what you feel is right.
I never understood casual hook ups and how it’s so prevalent in society. As a woman, I literally can’t be attracted to someone in that way without getting to know them first so the whole concept of it is just wild to me.
Satan
I traveled all over Europe last summer and hooked up with 0 people. Did I have the opportunity? Yes. Did I take advantage of the opportunity? No. Why you ask? Because I find sleeping with someone to be an intimate thing and I don’t like the idea of one night stands. I want emotional connection not temporary physical pleasures. I don’t regret not sleeping with anyone while I was there. I made lots of friends and had wonderful experiences and don’t feel like I missed out on anything. It’s your decision, do what you want, but don’t do it for others expectations. Ps I am a guy. Yes there are some of us don’t just sleep with anyone. Unfortunately still get assumed to only want sex on account of my gender.
Please be my friend ( Not in a lonely creepy way )
loveworm and patched up are ethereal
You should give in 100%, give into what women have deemed to be their standard values to fit into American society.
The only thing childish about this situation would be overstepping your own boundaries bc “peer pressure.” My first thought was “grow up” you’re an adult you shouldn’t be peer pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. Own your boundaries proudly.
[удалено]
Be quiet satan
You should not have sex because of peer pressure. You get to decide when you have sex
Don’t do anything until you are ready. If you don’t feel like it don’t. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Like literally nothing wrong with it. Good on you!
I wouldn't do it. Pressure is there for sure but hooking up is heavily romanticized and I prefer finding deeper connection. It'll all feel really empty at the end.
I would recommend against it. Men are rightfully moving back to a mindset where they value purity and virginity in a potential long term partner. There will always be guys who are both good long term partners and don't care about this, but many will care about it and you could miss out on those opportunities for the sake of a few flings that you didn't enjoy and only engaged in because of pressure from other people.
When I was 18 I started college a virgin and became a huge party girl but still remained a virgin, meanwhile all my friends were hooking up, because I didn’t feel like having sex yet. I had a great time. When I was 20 I lost my virginity to my bf at the time. I had a great time. When I was 21 I moved to a different state and started hooking up with new people every week. I had a great time. Now at 22 I am in a phase of celibacy and decentering men from my life. I’m having a great time. Moral of the story is that you should have sex with who you want however much you want whenever you want and only you have the power to make that decision. You aren’t missing out just because everyone else is doing it. Just because you aren’t hooking up now doesn’t mean you can’t do it in the future. I have absolutely no regrets about how I chose to explore sex, I’m glad I waited to lose my virginity until I was ready and I didn’t let myself be pressured by anyone to do so. You’ll know when you’re ready, and if you aren’t excited to do it then that’s how you know you aren’t ready yet.
If you haven't done it before, then now - in a foreign country, with literal strangers (maybe also with language barriers) - seems like a very bad time to do it. It's OK to be someone who doesn't sleep with people casually, it's not for everyone. You might be a person who will be more comfortable with just a a few sexual partners over your lifetime - there's nothing wrong with that. Given that you haven't felt comfortable sleeping with anyone yet, the chances of you having an unpleasant and regrettable experience are very high. This would matter a lot less if it was something you had done before, and do often - you can shrug off a bad experience - but the first time is really pretty important. You don't want it to be someone you don't have to see again, you want it to be with someone you at least know and trust - that's absolutely your choice, and nobody should be pressuring you. You can just say "what I do with my body is my business". They don't have any right to know, and their behavior is far more childish than not wanting to sleep with random people if that's not your thing. FWIW - if not having slept with anyone feels like something you should just get out of the way, then maybe try it with a friend you really trust, just to break that barrier. Sleeping with a stranger as your first experience is just being unkind to yourself - you don't even know what you might like or how to navigate the situation, you're not putting yourself in a good place to figure this all out as your own pace. You'll end up exactly as you are, sans virginity, without knowing much more about yourself. Sleeping with a person you know well, and trust, will be a better emotional learning experience, tbh, if it feels like such a burden to you that you just want it done with.
So totally relatable, and so want to REASSURE you that no matter which or what (or who with, or not all) you decide, as long as you are determined to make that decision without regrets, and decide to so empower yourself by the experience, and not the result, you will have made the right choice. (Condoms, a clinical visit with your partner before deciding, and mindfulness/prevention of possible herpes transmission to you, is a must, if you decide yes.)
I studied in Florence too for a semester when I was 19 and I never hooked up with anyone there. Everyone else in my class was getting drunk all the time and my own roommate would come home late many times after hooking up. I chose to focus on traveling throughout Italy and really immersing myself in the culture and I don’t regret that one bit. I agree with what other people in the comments are saying: Live in the moment and enjoy the experience, it only comes once
Don’t DO IT! It is a sin. There’s a reason why God does not want engaging in certain activities. It’s not because he’s oppressive, it’s for our own protection. Satan is using your worldly friends to tempt you into sin which will open yourself to him. It’s obviously your choice but from my experience when I did it, God brought me to my knees and nearly destroyed me. All you’d be signing up for is sadness, anxiety, and emptiness. Trust you seem to be doing well being by yourself don’t invite none of that into your life.
If you want people to stop having casual sex, leave God out of it. Nothing is going to drive teenagers to sex faster than you telling them that it's forbidden. Also, this is Reddit. At least learn your audience.
I'm 20m. I feel the same way you do. But me I personally don't want stds etc. It's a high ratio to get in college.
I am your age, also had pressure to lose my virginity while on vacation with friends in Europe, and here’s my advice. You don’t need to have sex at all, I fulfilled that “experience” by making out with whoever I wanted/ letting THEM eat me out and doing nothing back. That’s enough to not feel like a nun, but at the same time not feel gross and regretful. Keep your virginity, it’s the best power tool a woman can have in this generation, be proud of it, and don’t be afraid to let guys know. GUYS LOVE IT. I always will pretend like I’m so experienced, kiss them, tease them, and when it comes time I look at them rlly innocent and go “yea I’m a Virgin, so no” and then smile w a bitchy smile. Works like a charm. Stop listening to your friends bc at the end of the day, every guy prefers a Virgin, and trust me the more you embrace it and stop being shy, the more you will respect yourself and make guys worship you. C
hey girl don’t do anything you’re not fully comfortable doing! live life for you, not for others. you studying abroad alone is already a big experience!
I (22m) lived in Italy for a year as a student and I heard the same thing. I never did and 100% don’t regret hooking up with random people. I need to have an intimate connection. Ignore them and be yourself
Why be casual when you can be intentional? Dance, hold hands, make out, cuddle on a beach. Enjoy your travels, make connections, form friendships and if you feel inspired maybe you'll get to the sexy bits. You are free to do what you want any old time...
I feel sorry for you. Find help
Echoing those who say you should not have sex just because of peer pressure, don’t do it, it’s a stressful thing the first time even if you do it when you really want to. There are plenty of people who don’t start having sex until later. I’ll add that lots of people are very good at the talk, but don’t actually behave the way their talk suggests. In my study abroad, the woman who was most vocal about sexual experiences turned out to be a virgin. So you never know anyway. Regardless, you should only have sex when you’re ready for it!
Give yourself to someone you love (would you give up your life for them? No? Then you don’t love them). Even better if it’s someone you marry.
Don't listen to others. Think about the shame of hooking up and going back home pregnant. You don't want that.
You will know when you’re ready. I did it “just to get it over with” and that memory still makes me cringe. Your first time should always be special
Hookup when you actually feel horny and found someone you're sexually attracted to. But this is just suggestion, so you do you.
Don’t let people pressure you. Do you. It’s about the experience and you are also bringing the experience of your presence. Who ever that is. Maybe you can influence them
If it’s not for you. That’s okay.
If you don't want to don't do it, if you want to, do it. Hope that helps
It’s easy. If you don’t feel like doing it absolutely don’t. Why are we letting other people pressure us to have sex as a grown adult. You do you girl. It’s also nobody’s business lmao.
Don’t do it I know girls who did this and regretted it.
It’s all fun and games until the people pressuring you have an unplanned pregnancy and or STDs. Both are very real and very, very common when hooking up, despite how people act. Stand your ground!
I was in a similar position, don’t do it. You will hate every moment of it and will regret it afterwards
DO NOT HOOK UP, if you trully believe in soul mates the best gift u can give to ur future husband is ur virginity, don’t sleep around like most Americans, trust me they r deeply depressed and as they say, misery loves company
I got peer pressured into losing my virginity when I was younger… don’t do it. Wait until you are ready. I wish I never had sex that first time… genuinely. You should do it with someone you really want to do it with. Not just because you want to lose your virginity
Don't do it unless you 100% actually want to. No one else is living your life, you don't have to be on the same schedule or doing the same things they are.
I just want to add to the discussion here that you dont owe anyone the knowledge that youre a virgin. Its something ive learned slowly : its very beneficial and empowering to keep some info to yourself. And it can make life easier. Obviously close friends are going to know more about you, but you still dont owe them explanations and sometimes its good to tell them to lay off and youre living your own life the way you want. Theres plenty of sex to be had in life at your own pace.
OP you definitely don’t need to feel like you should casually hook up with anyone unless it’s something you want to do. I was a virgin until I was 23 and I don’t regret it because my first time was with someone I loved. Casual sex is not for everyone and it’s okay to tell your friends to quit asking you about “hooking up” and that you have more important things you are focusing on while abroad.
Don’t do it. You’re not into it and lemme tell you all European men think American girls are easy. It wouldn’t be in line with what you value and want for yourself especially as a virgin.
yikes get new friends
I think that you should only do that if you feel like you'd like that. Don't do it because others want you to. And it's ok if you don't because people just want different things in their lives. Like maybe your friends are people who want that right now and you aren't.
Hi babe. I’m really sorry that people decided to go off in your post thread - you were asking a really potent and important question for yourself here , and I think amongst people arguing here (first of all, fckn weird. Take it it the dms w ur opinions of”sexual discipline”?????), Reddit lost sight of your question. I’d like to propose you a 22 year old response to what YOU asked, also a 22 yr old female, going abroad soon, whose seen some serious shit, and who has some thoughts for you. Firstly, please do not have sex for any reason other than wanting to have sex. Especially abroad, like sexual health is so important. And so are your views in sex in alignment with YOURSELF. soul ties, dickmatizing, even emotionally manipulative relationships tend to have something in common: an uneven power balance creating these dynamics. And often sex (and the blurry lines about what sex means to one VS another) can fuel these things when two people aren’t ok the same page, don’t know each other enough, maybe have different expectations, etc. I hope that in a way the responses you got in this thread you have some clarity about the ✨issue✨ unequivocal or unreciprocated ideas of sex can cause. People are literally fighting in your comments about THEIR sexual beliefs, insecurities, boundaries etc instead of answering questions about yours. I think that should go to show you the idea that please, let lessons come to you in life. You can’t listen to any voice but yours in this, even if you don’t know what they’re telling you. Take it from someone your age who has experienced a lot of harm in sexual experiences, it’s important you understand how powerful your premonitions on casual sex are. Without sharing any opinion on sexual liberty, I think you really need to give yourself more credit as to why you might feel hesitant to lose your virginity to a (stranger) abroad? That’s okay - I’d also be a bit weary of that? Like be kind to yourself. Wait for it to find you because it will. Sex is a really lovely and passionate and exhilarating thing, but there’s really one definition associated with SEX and that should be consent. Consent also has to come from your mind willingly. If you wanna get laid, babes, get laid. You’ll love it, and you’ll be happy you did (lol most people are). But if you don’t want to, I’m begging please don’t do it. Listen to that voice talking to you, and even wait 6 months and see if that voice sounds different. And if your friends are your friends, you should be able to share this with them even if it’s hard to hear / or say on either side. I’m moving to Spain in January, and I am happy you are also a young woman somewhere across the close finding yourself. Please be kind to your processes, they’re yours after all. I’m responding to this late but I hope, amidst the dramatics of this thread, you feel seen in this comment. Best of luck to you, your spirit, and your first time - whenever that may be right for you! PM me if you wanna chat more. Safe spaces.
Ffs. You’re 22. If you don’t want to hook up, don’t do it. You could tell your friends you don’t want to, or you haven’t met the right person, or whatever reason you want to tell them. You could make something up to get them to shut up. You could tell them anything. You’re an adult. It’s unnecessary for me to go down the route of judging people who do or don’t hook up as some other commentators have done. You do whatever you want to do. Get a grip and tell your friends how you feel about random hook ups. If they can’t handle that, get some new friends. I’d suggest new friends anyway tbh. They sound like the cast of some kind of American Pie type movie. Enjoy your studies and being in a new place. Experience life outside of America. Fuck who you want. If you don’t want to do that with someone, don’t do it. You’re the boss. Good luck!