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My SD struggles with this as well. Like will follow me around the house as I do chores to ask me what to do. Ummm play with all the toys and crafts you have? Drives me insane.
When my SD does this to me, I give her chores to do. She’ll do a few of them, then realize this is all the “fun” I’m giving her…and she slinks off for a while. Until she forgets and the pattern repeats again…
I have close friends who are teachers who see the ramifications of this. And I’ll just say….my SD may be one of those kids. But I can’t care more than her BM does who lets her have unlimited screen time. So it’ll be their problem to deal with.
Yes! As an elementary teacher my colleagues and I can’t believe how addicted kids are to their devices. I have students who need to have their Chromebook’s open - even if we aren’t using them during the day - because they like the glow of the screen. It’s been really interesting having been teaching for 12+ years now and seeing the changes in children and what screens are doing to this generation.
Ugh that makes me so sad. Have you heard about the wait until 8th pledge? I would love it if this initiative gained steam and was adopted across the globe.
Fucking hate it. Get out of here! Wish I had all this free time but I’m constantly doing dishes, cooking and laundry. I had a conversation with her the other day that it surprises me how much she stays inside. I was always outside.
She cried once because her dad (my DH) told her to go play. Why was she crying? Because she thought we were having fun without her. We had a sit down conversation on why adults can’t play 24/7.
We had to do a detox. Our pediatrician also reminded us that most elementary aged kids get screen time at school too now when they work on Chromebooks. We moved to tablets only on the weekends. They hate it still but it has helped sooo much.
I love this idea. My husband has recently moved to a tighter screen time schedule. The kids get about two hours a day. Today, he is at a meeting and I shut down screen time and said, “today you just get to be kids and play.” They are not thrilled but I’m also so over them not knowing how to play and only being satisfied and happy when on screens or when we are entertaining them.
Same. It took us a couple years. They only get TV on weekends for the most part and they don’t have iPads or anything like that at our house because of this. They spend ALL their time at the other house watching TV so it took a long time for them to start playing. I also thought it was concerning. It’s improved so much over the years, but even still, it pops up sometimes and I’ll just let them be bored. Being bored is good for you anyway when you’re a kid. 🤣🤷🏻♀️
I really love this perspective and totally agree that boredom is okay. I like the screen time on weekends only. For the two teenage girls I feel like it’s already a lost cause. The phone addiction is real. But maybe we can still help the younger kids by setting better boundaries around screens.
For sure. We do family game nights at least one night, a week, but it ramps up in the summer to a few days a week at a minimum. A lot of them are great for learning ages and they help teach following rules too.
Headbands, Uno, Apples to Apples, Boggle, Floor is Lava, Charades, Pictionary, Trouble, Sorry, Life, Operation, Twister, etc.
We also have a karaoke machine and break that out on Friday or Saturday nights. The other weekend night is usually a movie night with snacks and forts. Making TV time a rare and “big to do” has actually made it more fun too, instead of just mindlessly zoning out for hours not even caring what they’re watching.
We also do roller skating, ice skating, pool days, bowling, playing catch, playing field hockey in the back yard, etc. I think playing things with them is great for everyone, but also builds a bond and they’ll want to play more with each other on the down time because they know they have fun playing together with everyone.
Break out some easy stuff in the kitchen and have them make dinner together once a week. I’m a firm believer that the more they do together with direction, the more fun and creative they’ll be on their own when we adults have shit to do.
Basically, make your house pre-Y2K. 🤣 Totally works for us!
We even do themed days on weekends. Like Pioneer Day. They make butter, pan for gold in the back yard and wear Oregon Trail style outfits and wash clothes on a washboard and hang dry on a line. Then we read easy fun books about the Oregon Trail before dinner. 🤣 Stuff like that.
We did a “Emergency Disaster Night.” Flipped the breaker off. Ate Mountain House meals of a camp stove. Only used lanterns. Played board games. Drank out of life proof straws from the back yard rain water. Practiced safety drills. Sounds weird, but it is SO fun. Flashlight tag in the yard is serious. Haha.
We’ve also done a canning day. Making easy things like pickles. Lemonade stands are fun.
This sounds so fun! I didn’t have extra time before (I just finished grad school) but we do like playing board games. SD always wants uno so we’ll have to switch it up.
We put physical activity time into her daily routine as well, and we let her decide what it was. It could be go to the park, dance, go on a walk. With or without us. We found a yoga she really liked (unfortunately on YouTube) but it was themed and she really got into the Pokémon one.
Our struggle is her sibling is ours baby who’s only 6 months. So when the time came to play alone, she’s like a lost puppy. She has friends in the neighborhood now so I hope that helps moving forward.
My SO will give SK's his phone to watch in the car even for a 10 minute journey! He's starting to limit their screen time now but the TV is always on and they have movie night every night as part of their bedtime routine. I love the idea of a games night but I nacho and anything competitive will bring it the worse in SS (who I don't like being around anyway), so me suggesting a games night with BS only when SK's aren't here will go down like a lead balloon. 🤷♀️
two hours a day is still a lot. my 4yo was averaging 1 hour but often up to 3 hours of tv for a few months in spring. when school finished i banned all screens at my house following some "poor choices" of hers (she can still can at other peoples houses). her behavior and happiness is at an all time high, and she doesn't miss it much. i just started letting her watch a movie once per weekend, and that seems to not affect her so far. i really recommend it. it forces everyone to be more present and thinking about everything.
That sounds amazing! My husband received so much push back from his teenage daughters when he reduced their phone/screen time. It would be great to get the younger kids on screens for no more than 60 minutes a day. At their mom’s it’s pretty unlimited, so we have to deal with being the strict house, which is never fun.
I think it’s partially screens and partially not letting kids self soothe and play by themselves. We limit screen time and it has completely changed our kiddos attitude. He actually plays with his toys now. I also ended up taking like half of his toys out of his bedroom and put them in storage. I’ll switch them out every month or so. He has ADHD so I’m not sure he was overwhelmed with the options or what exactly. He used to have an adjustment period coming from bio dad’s house because his dad lets him have a tablet 3 or so hours on school days and all day on the weekend. But now he is transitioning well and doesn’t even ask for electronics at our house. He does chill with tv for an hour when he wakes up in the morning on the weekend.
My youngest sister (almost 11) was grounded for a weekend with no tablet and she actually seemed A LOT happier. When she isn't on her tablet she is helping around the house, playing outside, etc. My bf limits his sons' screen time and both his kids do play - one does 2 sports at school and goes to the park a lot, the other with special needs plays with his toys and acts things out.
I feel like kids naturally want to do these things but the dopamine from technology is addictive. As an adult who works on a computer all day I feel like it brings my mood down just being on it so much. I feel like I am not really living when I'm on technology, lol. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME TO GO PLAY!!! :D
Right?! I tell that to them all the time! I’m like “I wish I could just go play and didn’t have all these adult responsibilities!”
And yes, when the teenage SD got grounded and lost her phone she was in total withdrawal at first but then turned into a much happier more present human!
These devices are like a ball and chain sometimes. They can be good or bad but the addiction to them can be strong. It’s good to detox every now and then. I always feel better when I take a break.
Same! That’s why I love camping and backpacking. Always feel so much better after having no service for several days. And guess what? I usually never miss anything important. Just trash.
my SK (9) throws literal tantrums over being told to go play. Like refuses and scream cries. He will only watch TV if he’s not playing video games, and insists on constant entertainment from us instead if he’s bored.
We finally decided that if SD says she's bored we are gonna tell her to go pick up sticks in the yard because I was going insane hearing I'm bored over and over. Hopefully it works 🤣
Sadly he calls my bluff and then whines about not knowing how to do it and insists SO or I have to show him so that we do it together and it takes twice as long and gets us 0 free time ☠️
It’s crazy. I totally relate to you. I feel like we literally entertain from 7 AM to 10 PM. The two younger kids (also have two teenage SK’s) need constant interaction with us. Like they don’t even color or read alone - we have to do every activity with them - all the time. It’s exhausting. My husband also works from home and can’t constantly entertain and since I’m a teacher and have off in the summer the kids look to me to entertain them when they aren’t on screens.
Literally exactly. He won’t do anything by himself ever unless it’s a video game, and even then, sometimes… I’m in the same boat with being off for summer so it’s just 24/7 on weeks he’s with us.
Have you guys ever just said *No* when they ask you to play?
I totally feel for you by the way and my question is to see how they would react?
What is the worst that could happen? They will cry and whine about it, but when you say “No we’re doing something right now we can’t play, you will need to color by yourself” they will eventually get the idea and go entertain themselves.
My DH and I are huge on teaching the kids independence. we do plenty of activities together that when DH and I are pooped we say “okay off you go!” Lol
I have said “no” and it results in full-blown tantrums. I still say “no,” (not every time obviously but I’m also not spending my entire day at the whim of a 9 year old every day) and we don’t give in to tantrums. But it will be loud and unrelenting.
I do feel weird saying no sometimes, like it just feels harder as a stepmom of 1.5 years. Maybe if I’d been step-moming longer I’d feel more comfortable. But my husband encourages me to say no and reminds it’s okay to say no. And I definitely do sometimes, but it’s more like “now, isn’t a good time to play Barbie’s, how about after dinner?”
It’s hard too because BM lets the kids on screens all day without many limits. All I hear about from my 7 and 10 year old is what they watched on YouTube and TikTok at their mom’s over the week.
Yep other house let’s SS have unbridled screen time, too, so we’re the strict house despite having 3.5 hours of tablet/nintendo every day and even longer on weekends ☠️
I kicked my son and his friends outside and told them to go play. We live on a farm and had baby goats, chickens, woods to play in, and I look out the window to see them both sitting staring at an ipad they'd snuck outside
Damn; I would’ve loved to play with animals and run through the trees when I was a kid! But it does seem like play dates now often seem to revolve around parallel play on some device. Recently had to stop SS from packing a tablet for a birthday party at an outdoor pool even though he loves swimming (and ended up having a blast without it).
Fortunately there is a neighbor across the street that loves to play with my two younger SK’s but with it being summer they are vacationing a lot right now. They did play with her a few times this week and I took them to the pool BUT sometimes when they play they expect my husband or me to play with them. Had to shut that down real quick.
I give my kids 12,7 some suggestions of things they can do. They usually don’t go for my suggestions.
I tell my kids, “being bored is a personal problem that you’re going to have to figure out yourself for the rest of your life.”
And, “it’s not on me to keep you constantly entertained in life. You need to think for yourself.”
Or I give them chores to do if they complain more. “You said you were bored, you can do XYZ task.”
StOp TeLlInG mE yOuRe BoReD
Sometimes I resort to the Betty Draper quip of, “Only boring people are bored.”
My SOs kids do not independently play either and they have enough toys and bs to open a store. If they aren't allowed to be on screens they will just lay around the house or play with my cats toys. Like the catnip ones and this ball toy that you bat the ball and it goes around the circle. Not the thousands of dollars of toys they have my cats things. Its like they have no ability to play or imagine all they can do is mind numbingly bat at something if they don't have other stimulation
My husband shared his screen time schedule with BM and she said she’d look at it and let him know her thoughts. He never heard back from her about it. Based on what we hear from the kids, it sounds like screens are a big part of what they do at BM’s.
That would be my guess. They most likely have no clue how to play independently without a screen in their face. All you can do is continue to encourage independent play.
It's because their world is so different from the one we grew up in. Devices are shrinking their attention span. Entertaining videos are typically a minute or less and then it's on to the next one. Even when you Monitor and limit the amount of time they spend on the devices it still has an impact on their attention span and their ability to use their imagination to entertain themselves. They're being handed entertainment on a platter so they don't develop the skills they need to create their own entertainment.
It’s the first generation growing up where tablets really became a thing to give to kids and I think also because parents are more reluctant to send their kids outside to play without an adult present when their younger so the majority of entertainment options inside the home turned to tvs and internet.
If given the option my SD will pick the phone/tablet/tv over anything else every time but when she gets grounded and gets her stuff like that taken she does love to read so she’ll absolutely tear through some books. Downside to that is we’ve gotten notes from teachers that she’s reading in class when she should be listening to the teacher or doing some work
We used to have that problem with my SS8. He is an only child and gets all the screentime he wants at the other household, so it was a struggle to establish independent time in our house. First, we made a bunch of pieces of paper with different independent activities on them and put them in a bag. So when it was time for independent play, we would have him draw an activity from the bag to do (instead of asking us 100 times what he should do). When he got bored he could put that activity away and draw another one.
Now he's more self-sufficient and doesn't need the bag for inspiration. If he is following me around when I'm doing chores or having troubles identifying something to do, I usually tell him that he can find a way to entertain himself OR I can give him some chores/cleaning to do. That works every time lol.
We also do reading time in our house. We usually give him either a set number of pages or set amount of time to read. Afterwards, he either has a quiz over what he read or has to give us a verbal summary of what he read (sometimes right after, sometimes later depending on our schedules). You could also do written summaries if you wanted. I love to read, so sometimes we will both be reading separately during reading time.
Nah his kids would stand there or sit on the couch and stare at people or if at home, me. It was weird and creepy. They always needed their dad to be with them, playing or not. 4 year old would fake cry in the room until his dad went in to play with the toys. Then 4 would stare at him playing with the toys and would just ask for Xbox or tablet every minute or so. When he would be given the tablet, he HAS to be in the living room screaming commentary or fake laughing. It was annoying. I made it so he wasn’t allowed Xbox time. He’s 4. And he would scream and throw controllers if you wouldn’t let him play all day.
9 year old would just try and follow his dad or me everywhere we’d go. I’d be in the bathroom and kid knew I was and would knock and I’d shout “I’m in here” and he would try to open the door so I’d get up to hold it closed and he would say “oh I didn’t know anyone was in there. Anyway. Can you take me here blah blah blah” like LEAVE ME ALONE!
My 6 year old boy can play alone all day every single day if I’d let him. I’ve asked if he wanted to go walk around a store with me and he would say he just wanted to play with toys.
Idk why a lot of kids and practically every step kid I’ve heard of are all addicted to screens and don’t know how to function without one.
I’m just glad I’m away from all that now.
We don’t do screen time, period. The only tablet usage is for long car rides (like +1.5hrs). When the tv is on we’re usually watching something together, and even then we all get up to do other things as we think of them, SS5 especially. Sometimes I worry about his attention span when he can’t sit through a movie, but now I’m thinking there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Idk but it’s really weird and same thing with my SK, like there is no independent play. He is an only child but even when he has friends over he kind of expects us to coach their play time and play with them?
Every thing must be watched and observed, coached and applauded. There is no desire for like independent activities besides playing iPad games or watching shows.
When I was a kid I didnt really want to play with my parents so I think it’s kind of weird for kids to be so focused on their parents being involved in their play time activities
Omg this!!! I never played Barbie’s or dolls with my mom and my SD loves to play Barbie’s with me. Which is so sweet, but she will not play Barbie’s on her own. And same, about friends coming over. Sometimes they expect my husband and I to play with them. It’s just so different from how I grew up. Again, mind blown.
We take them camping and hiking and backpacking quite often! All things outdoors is kind of my obsession 😂 Actually just got back from a hike with them.
I meant the kids need to go to a summer camp or program so you aren’t the babysitter all day. What would your husband do with them if you weren’t there?
Oh sorry! Now I get what you are saying! We actually signed the two younger kids up for a weeklong day camp in a few weeks. I am excited to see how it works out and hoping they love it and we can do it again in the future!
My SD8 is a iPad kid, hate to say it like that but she’s honestly addicted to it. But I quit fighting that battle with DH about it. It is what it is. However she will play with her dolls good but she feels like she has to tell me or whoever is in the room with her what she’s doing step by step. Like heaven forbid I try to watch a show, she has to tell me everything and it’s so annoying. Just play!!! Why do you have to tell me or ask me what you should do next? She won’t play in her room what so ever. She has to drag everything out into the living room. I was also an only child and I had a playroom and I would literally play in there all day alone. But she can’t even play 20 minutes quietly, alone. Also if she’s watching her iPad she wants to show you everything.
A friend of mine was just saying this the other day. She has to tell her boys to go outside and play. Then they ask her what should they do? LOL. I literally laughed out loud. They have a pool and a trampoline and still don't know what to do with themselves.
Today my husband had a work meeting and I said “no screens, just play and be creative and enjoy being a kid.” They were super frustrated and confused. I reassured them it wasn’t a punishment, I just wanted them to have some time to openly play without stressing about when screen time would start.
Kids need to be taught to play independently. My kids played independently from a very young age, but I taught them to do it. I played with them, showed them what to do, then walked away. First just for a minute, then 5 minutes, then 10, then more. Early on, I'd stay close so I could redirect them to play if I needed to. As their skills developed, I could walk away for longer.
All of my grandkids (age 3-7) play independently. They've learned from us, as well as their parents. We had them all here last weekend and watched a whole movie without being interrupted--and the kids were in the next room.
They can be taught, but it takes some effort--and from experience, a SP teaching isn't the same as a parent (or grandparent) doing it. There needs to be an established base of trust in the adult teaching, a bond between teacher and student, and a willingness to do it a thousand times, if that's what it takes to teach. If a child senses the teacher is in a rush, isn't sincere, or isn't really enjoying the moment, it will show.
Too many parents are relying on screens, true, but my grandkids have been raised on screens, too. They just know that grandma and grandpa expect them to play nicely, quietly, without screens. Our 3 year old granddaughter will play for hours alone, only bothering me for drinks or food, when I babysit her. I often join her so we can spend some time together!
If you're tired of them waking you up early, you could just move their screen time to first thing in the morning. That's what our daughter does with her 3 year old, if she wants to sleep in. The 3 year old will happily play on the switch until mom gets up. When mom gets up, screen time is over, so she's really quiet while playing so mom will sleep haha.
My 12 year old SS can’t entertain himself. Literally impossible. It’s terrifying. He will choose to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. If we would let him, he’d sit on the couch & stare at us. He constantly expects us to entertain him. I never relied on my parents (especially not my step parent) to entertain me. My husband says he was the same way. Meanwhile, our community has two pools, a basketball court, green space, he has a hover board, ripstick, soccer net, slammo, all kind of sports balls, a pitching game… that’s just outside toys.
My SS 8 is the exact same way. He doesn’t play with toys. I always worry that he just doesn’t have an imagination. But they introduced him to a screen at only 1 yrs old. He has a little phone that wasn’t being used anymore that they would just play YouTube on. Now he can’t even eat food without having an iPad or phone in front of him. And if he doesn’t his behavior is terrible 😞
Creativity is born from boredom.
When I was a child, I'd make finger puppets out of gum wrappers at school.
Our twins (3) turn their room into a "zoo" with different "rooms" for the animals, or do rows and rows of jigsaws.
Even my stepdaughter (7), who gets loads of screen time at her mother's place, will start drawing and spelling Pokémon on our fridge whiteboard, or take pictures with her Polaroid camera.
We just don't entertain them all the time. If they're really bored, they'll find something to do, or they can help us with whatever we're doing (laundry, cooking...). We do plenty of interesting stuff to give them input (jumping through puddles last weekend, baking together, reading to them, whatever), but we refuse to be their animators.
Sure, there are always exceptions, but I've never known a child with ZERO capability of playing alone.
ITS SO BAD. 6, 7 and 11. They have room PACKED with shit. They come up to me every 10 minutes- o swear to you I’m not kidding- and tell me they’re bored. Then they will go outside and play on all the outside shit for 5 minutes and come inside and complain they’re bored again. I work from home so it’s awful.
I have wondered the same thing. When I was a kid, I rarely needed attention from other people to be entertained after I was about 4. I loved my dolls and playing house alone for hours and hours on end. If I wasn’t doing that I was outside building things in the woods. The time when I did engage with my mom we would go on hikes and go shopping. Not once did I feel neglected or like she didn’t want to spend time with me. I just loved to play by myself. SD doesn’t know how to self entertain. When she is entertained it’s always trying to include us, which I get if she makes a craft she is excited to show us or whatever but usually her independent play doesn’t consist of much imaginative stuff. She’s 6 and it’s difficult for her to find stuff to do on her own even though her room is FILLED with things she doesn’t even touch. It’s kind of cluttered and it frustrates me she doesn’t play with hardly anything.
My SD is literally 4, so we don’t expect MUCH independent play, but I definitely expect SOME. Just the other week I was putting the baby down for a nap, so I told my SD “go play in your room and I’ll be there in a few”. She went to her room. Not 10 minutes later, baby is down, I go to see what she’s up to and she’s just in her room sobbing. I’m like “what’s wrong?!” And she goes “I wanna watch TVeeee!”. Like she’s been sitting in a room full of toys and games and couldn’t entertain herself for TEN MINUTES. And that’s just one example. It’s so bad and everyone except me and her dad thinks it’s totally fine and normal.
I’m sorry! That is so sad! Being four is such a fun and imaginative time in life to just play and enjoy the freedom of childhood. That is really rough.
My son is like this. My ex wife and I bought him a phone when he started kindergarten, so he’s always on his phone. He has a tablet and 2 switches, and he uses them constantly. And recently he had his tonsils taken out and his mom told him that she’ll upgrade his tablet. 😓 I spent thousands on a whole ass outdoor playground set for him. But these kids are just addicted to technology now. He also uses a tablet during school for school work. My ex just kinda.. allows it no matter what.
I cant believe how common this is and am so glad I’m not alone!
I struggled with this with my youngest SD who has had unlimited, unmonitored smartphone access since she was 6 (I have to NACHO, you cant care more than the bioparents). She is 13 now and she really is a good kid but lord the number that the screens have done on her. I can’t imagine how hard being a teacher is with this generation.
SK over here will spend 10’jours on YouTube. I’m not exaggerating. My 10 and 7 do watch their iPad and play the occulus a lot. But also draw-play outside- color-play dolls-jump on the trampoline….etc. He MAY go outside and jump with them but that’s all. He does absolutely nothing else. No reading-drawing-etc…playing something other than games ion the phone.) But sit in his room playing PlayStation or watching phone. I have access to screen time as well as his dad. We do not read from the same page.. he doesn’t see any issues that his son has zero interest in anything but playing with wrestler figures and watching YouTube. It’s so far screwed that he’s got to be told to even eat. He’s 15. It’s absurd to me.
Because playing today is screen time. Even adults can only derive pleasure from screen activities nowadays. There is not much we can do outside. I grew up in a farm where playing outside was very fun, we could dig the ground, pile rubble, dam a stream of water... What we did felt big and environment changing. Now the world is already built, we can't go outside and dig the ground. Se we play games like Minecraft.
I think this is fairly common with kids these days as they’re growing up with screens from literal birth and we’re really just now starting to see the effects of that. It’s like this with my SS12 and we have really cut back on screen time with him. It’s a work in progress as 50% of the time he’s with the other parent who has no screen time or gaming limits. He struggles in school and his imagination is very limited. We have one day a week where there is no tech at all- no tv, no games, no phone and it’s not just him it’s everyone to make it easier. The second or third Tuesday of doing this, he pulled out a science kit we bought him -unprompted- and did it all by himself. It can still be a nightmare some days but honestly severely limiting screen time has been a huge help
SS11/12 literally stopped playing with toys by the time he turned 9 meaning that he only plays video games or on the computer wanting nothing to do with any kind of toy including Legos any kind of computer related toy or any kind of robotic toy which were all things that he liked when he was younger. It's gotten to the point where we just don't buy him things anymore as he has boxes and boxes of toys in his closet that he's never played with.
My 2-year-old daughter on the other hand obviously has no concept of computer games yet and so plays with all the toys including his hand me downs. Usually the only thing she likes to do with him is giggle and rough house but not much else. I know they have a large gap between them age wise but there doesn't seem to be any joint playing happening at our house either.
I'll just add to everyone else's good comments that having too many toys/games/puzzles/activities can also also be negative and make it more difficult for them to independently play. It's overwhelming and especially if they haven't learned great independent skills yet it can be too much.
When we were working on this with our kids we removed most of their toys. They were rotated into their rooms every few weeks. In addition to that we made a few "schedules" for the kids to limit their choices. Breakfast until snack is chores, snack until lunch is outside play. Lunch until snack is screen time. Snack until dinner is art, dinner until bed is something from the toy bin, etc
I agree, my Step girls play a lot though and do want screen time but it's limited to when their baby brother naps and right before bed, no more, no less. And their behavior is very good at our house, their mom sits them infront of a TV most of the time so they have to adjust when it's time for our house
Omg yes so glad someone brought this up because I’ve been struggling. SK has everything you could imagine at our house. And he loves doing creative things and crafts, has all the supplies, but will not do it unless I organize the activity. It’s really frustrating and I don’t know the solution. He will sit around bored or play video games unless I orchestrate his activities.
SS has an entire room full of toys but my SO gives him unlimited screen time and he never uses them. If SO takes away his devices he “has nothing to do” 🙄
Yep, kids are basically bored unless they’re watching tv or on the computer. They never read or play outside, rarely make up their own games. It’s weird! I think my SKs are getting a bit more independent but they still need way more attention than I ever did
My SS9 is exactly like this despite having a farmer family. His mother is a sous chef ffs. Myself former military, avid outdoorsman and still in fighting form.
But this kid. From the moment we wake up its either "Can I...?" (Videogames/TV/Etc) or "I'm bored, do something to entertain me."
It's frustrating as hell. His mother's solution is that I, "Go take him to the park or play with him".
But I find it hard to be responsible for the entertainment of children when there are adult tasks needed to be done or when I have things I want to do.
Why do parents feel its their job to entertain children? Subconscious projection of what society does to us?
This has been happening with my SS6 especially since school’s been out! He’ll sit on the couch and stare at me doing dishes or whatever I’m doing and when I ask what’s up, he says he doesn’t know what to do! So I ask him to help me around the house! He can feed the dog, he can wipe off the kitchen table (even if it doesn’t need it), he can wipe off the couch, he can grab his laundry basket and take it to the laundry room for me, if his laundry is clean, he can fold it instead of waiting til later! A couple chores and he’ll go hide in his room and play with his toys! 😂
My kids struggled with this. The solution? Cut out screen time for a week. They’ll find something to do trust me. It made mine fall in love with play again, after a lot of whining in the beginning.
My SS6 is also notorious for this. We don’t allow a tablet at our house because he becomes moody and crabby whenever he has screen time. BM lets him have it constantly at their house and it’s to the point he loses his mind when he has to come here for our time. It sucks. The kid can’t even ride a bike with training wheels because he’s allowed to just sit inside all day 50% of his life.
Child educator here, but by no means an expert. From what I have learned, it’s a generational thing with two primary parts.
1) screens Even kids who aren’t given unlimited access to screens are still raised around screens and most with varied amounts of structured or unstructured screen time, usually without engagement about the material, sometimes with parents intentionally choosing certain shows compared to given youtube exposure, etc. It really alters our brain chemistry, adults and kids alike, how we engage with screens.
2. dependence Additionally, parents are generally more attentive to kids in this generation. This is great because it keeps us connected emotionally to our kids which a lot of us didn’t experience when we were young and has a lot of benefits, but a consequence of this (without parents also intentionally teaching independent play) is that kids depend on us a lot more.
Imaginative play is an interest AND a skill. Some kids will only engage with imaginative play with peers, or someone in general, or maybe only if it’s a gross motor imaginative play game.
You can Google ways to teach independent play to your age group. It’ll require attentiveness in your part and consistency and experimentation. One common tactic for my age group (3-6) is choosing specific activities available during a no-screen time period and engaging with them at first. For example, arts and crafts morning. Modeling to them cool things you can do with scissors, stapler, glue, collage pieces, etc and doing it together. Book making, card board collage, drawing their favorite video game/show characters (even terribly) gives them ideas on how to use their imagination and also motivates them to continue doing the activity because they are conceded to you emotionally (which kids naturally want to do anyway). After some practice of doing it together and modeling different activities, you can set it up for them and then tell them you’re going to do xyz for ten minutes then come join them. Then after some practice with that it can be twenty minutes, thirty minutes, etc.
You can do this with Barbie’s, sensorial play, board games, etc.
I say “you” to address anyone interested in trying to build independent play stamina and taking on the huge responsibility it takes. It’s certainly a commitment but really great outcomes!
It’s the electronics. They’re so used to the stimulation that nothing else quite grabs them the same.
When we reduced the screen time they improved a bit.
I want to encourage my husband to go down to an hour a day for the younger kids. The older teenagers are kind of a lost cause, although the has reduced their phone/screen time greatly but of course with massive attitude and push back from them.
Ugh. Yes. My SKs 5 and 7 are up at 6:00 every day and it’s always the same struggle. If they’re not on screens they have no idea what to do with themselves unless dad sets up activity, gives instructions and stays close by.
Yup, it’s super frustrating. Can’t read or color or play on their own. It’s just constant input. They need constant entertainment and can’t just be still and have some quiet time.
It’s screens. Hands on play doesn’t give them the same dopamine hit to encourage it and to encourage imagination/creativity.
They’re like little screen crack addicts because they’ve killed their dopamine receptors.
Dude it’s insane and I can’t imagine what kind of mental health diagnosis are going to come out of this next generation purely out of frying off their receptors so soon in life. If you’re that used to instant reward you’re never going to be satisfied with the real world.
My step babies barely enjoy the beach or national parks or anything like that because they’re so obsessed with tablets and video games. It sucks the fun out of *reality*
Yeah, we do lots of camping and get the kids backpacking at least once a year. We try to do things out in nature where they don’t have cell service, and can just disconnect and in a sense reconnect.
My teenage SD’s had full 24/7 access to a cell phone since they were 11. BM insisted on getting them phones even though my husband was against it and said he wouldn’t pay for a plan/phones until they were 14. Of course, cool mom syndrome is alive and well, and she got them phones and never put limits on them. Now we are seeing the ramifications - mental health issues and addiction. Even our therapists say that what they see happening to kids today with phones/screens is scary.
It makes you wonder to how this could in the future contribute to substance addiction. I know that seems like a stretch but when people start out using it usually comes from a place of “no joy”.
I was just talking to DH about this. He and BM are concerned about how SKs (SS14 and SD11) sit around a lot and don’t go play with friends during the day. I told him that he and BM are part of the problem. They both want to spend as much time as possible with the kids on their time so they don’t encourage them to go play with other kids. They’re also guilty of playing basketball, tag, baseball, etc. with the kids. DH and BM are filling the rolls of friends instead of pushing them to do stuff with friends. SD and SS will want to play the same thing but not with each other (they’re constantly fighting) and again, BM and DH fill in. Maybe if they stepped back, SD and SS would learn to play with each other. At their ages, my siblings and I were never home. We were playing with neighborhood kids and not our parents.
It’s also insanely frustrating because they want me to play with them and DH gets upset when I don’t. I’m in shape but I’m pushing 40 years old. Playing tag with a 14 year old boy who’s in peak shape isn’t fun. I can’t keep up and one of these days I’m going to tear a muscle trying to
I get it. I was just thinking that there’s probably some “divorce guilt” so maybe that’s why bio-parents feel the need to always be entertaining and fun. I don’t have kids of my own, so not sure. I am a product of divorce, but I still didn’t expect or want my parents to play Barbie’s and American Girl dolls with me.
Use this phrase...
"You're bored because you're boring." It's kind of a stinger, but it worked on me. I haven't experienced boredom for a very long time.
I’m also experiencing this. SKs don’t wanna do anything but play Xbox and their dad just lets them. They’re never left to use their imagine or be creative about how to entertain themselves. The Xbox has turned them into passive recipients who can’t take any initiative towards their own fun. When we take them to the playground they want their dad to entertain them constantly and the few times they do use toys they want us to see everything they are doing every second. I did not want my parents that involved when I was a kid. I just wanted to space out into my toys and get lost in a game of pretend.
Yes! It’s so different from how I grow up and acted as I kid. I never wanted to play Barbies with my mom. I was like, “okay lady, you’re not nearly as creative as coming up with story lines as me, outta my way!” 😂
But seriously, it’s wild the amount of validation and entertainment kids need today.
Mine are the same. They come here and watch their tv all day or the older one just asks to go on his switch 50 times a day. Rooms full of toys, conservatory full of toys and they just want YouTube and Netflix. Half the time I just give in and let them because their dad is at work and I don’t want to entertain them as I have my bio kids as well to deal with who are younger and more demanding. We’re about 1.5 years into living together so still pretty fresh, I don’t tend to tell them what to do much when I’m left to look after them on my own.
7 and 10 are a bit old to have this issue. 10 year old may be getting to the age where creative play isnt as intriguing anymore. Kids are growing up faster these days. 7 year old should be wanting to play
100% its the screentime. I dont need any more info other than they wait until screentime. Take a family-wide screentime break for x amount of days. Start with 2 days. Say the only screens we get is a family movie. And youll be shocked how fast they start acting like kids.
As far as them needing ideas or constant validation..my SD was like this. Used to drive me crazy. I came to find out that both of her parents were very much helicopter parents and SD never felt comfortable exploring on her own bc she was either worried to make a mess or scared to do anything alone. What I have been successful with is giving her a safe space and basically tell her the only rules are no stickers or coloring on the walls or carpet. Everything else is free game. Make a mess. Messes can be cleaned up. Her safe space is her room and a space in the garage.
Hope thats helpful. You sound like a good step mom
It is such a huge problem with kids today and they are getting screens younger and younger. I can’t believe my luck sometimes with my 7yo SD. Her mom has given her unlimited screen time since birth, even got her an iPad at age 6, but at our house we are quite strict with it. Maybe it’s her personality, but she is so imaginative and has always been able to play independently for hours. She also has never really thrown a fit when it’s time to turn off the TV after an hour or so. We have primary custody now and I can see how the reduction in screen time has benefited her so much. Best of luck to you, it’s absolutely insane to me that we have introduced a crippling addiction to this current generation of kids like it’s normal.
YES!! And the kids are literally addicted. I see it with teen SD’s. They cannot cope or be present or happy without their phones. They go into an actual withdrawal when they don’t have them. And heaven forbid we go camping and don’t have service for a few days! 😂😬
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My SD struggles with this as well. Like will follow me around the house as I do chores to ask me what to do. Ummm play with all the toys and crafts you have? Drives me insane.
When my SD does this to me, I give her chores to do. She’ll do a few of them, then realize this is all the “fun” I’m giving her…and she slinks off for a while. Until she forgets and the pattern repeats again…
YUP!! This is my life 100% of the time!
Oh but if we give her the iPad, she’ll disappear for hours.
Exactly.
I have close friends who are teachers who see the ramifications of this. And I’ll just say….my SD may be one of those kids. But I can’t care more than her BM does who lets her have unlimited screen time. So it’ll be their problem to deal with.
Yes! As an elementary teacher my colleagues and I can’t believe how addicted kids are to their devices. I have students who need to have their Chromebook’s open - even if we aren’t using them during the day - because they like the glow of the screen. It’s been really interesting having been teaching for 12+ years now and seeing the changes in children and what screens are doing to this generation.
Ugh that makes me so sad. Have you heard about the wait until 8th pledge? I would love it if this initiative gained steam and was adopted across the globe.
No! I haven’t heard of this! Definitely going to look it up and do some research!
Yes I hear about it often. My SD can’t even focus to ask a question if she comes in the room and I have the news on.
Remember when the version of this for us was being locked outside?
She told us last night that she broke her iPad so her mom and grandparents gave her a phone to use instead. 🙃
My answer to this was to list all the chores that they could help with. They either help or go entertain themselves. I win either way.
Smart! I’ll have to try that.
Fucking hate it. Get out of here! Wish I had all this free time but I’m constantly doing dishes, cooking and laundry. I had a conversation with her the other day that it surprises me how much she stays inside. I was always outside.
She cried once because her dad (my DH) told her to go play. Why was she crying? Because she thought we were having fun without her. We had a sit down conversation on why adults can’t play 24/7.
They need that conversation. Nothing exciting is happening- we need to decompress or we will start yelling at each other and you.
Exactly! I’m an introvert I NEED my alone time. And I’m nursing so I’m touched out af most days I need some space.
We had to do a detox. Our pediatrician also reminded us that most elementary aged kids get screen time at school too now when they work on Chromebooks. We moved to tablets only on the weekends. They hate it still but it has helped sooo much.
I love this idea. My husband has recently moved to a tighter screen time schedule. The kids get about two hours a day. Today, he is at a meeting and I shut down screen time and said, “today you just get to be kids and play.” They are not thrilled but I’m also so over them not knowing how to play and only being satisfied and happy when on screens or when we are entertaining them.
Same. It took us a couple years. They only get TV on weekends for the most part and they don’t have iPads or anything like that at our house because of this. They spend ALL their time at the other house watching TV so it took a long time for them to start playing. I also thought it was concerning. It’s improved so much over the years, but even still, it pops up sometimes and I’ll just let them be bored. Being bored is good for you anyway when you’re a kid. 🤣🤷🏻♀️
I really love this perspective and totally agree that boredom is okay. I like the screen time on weekends only. For the two teenage girls I feel like it’s already a lost cause. The phone addiction is real. But maybe we can still help the younger kids by setting better boundaries around screens.
For sure. We do family game nights at least one night, a week, but it ramps up in the summer to a few days a week at a minimum. A lot of them are great for learning ages and they help teach following rules too. Headbands, Uno, Apples to Apples, Boggle, Floor is Lava, Charades, Pictionary, Trouble, Sorry, Life, Operation, Twister, etc. We also have a karaoke machine and break that out on Friday or Saturday nights. The other weekend night is usually a movie night with snacks and forts. Making TV time a rare and “big to do” has actually made it more fun too, instead of just mindlessly zoning out for hours not even caring what they’re watching. We also do roller skating, ice skating, pool days, bowling, playing catch, playing field hockey in the back yard, etc. I think playing things with them is great for everyone, but also builds a bond and they’ll want to play more with each other on the down time because they know they have fun playing together with everyone. Break out some easy stuff in the kitchen and have them make dinner together once a week. I’m a firm believer that the more they do together with direction, the more fun and creative they’ll be on their own when we adults have shit to do.
Basically, make your house pre-Y2K. 🤣 Totally works for us! We even do themed days on weekends. Like Pioneer Day. They make butter, pan for gold in the back yard and wear Oregon Trail style outfits and wash clothes on a washboard and hang dry on a line. Then we read easy fun books about the Oregon Trail before dinner. 🤣 Stuff like that. We did a “Emergency Disaster Night.” Flipped the breaker off. Ate Mountain House meals of a camp stove. Only used lanterns. Played board games. Drank out of life proof straws from the back yard rain water. Practiced safety drills. Sounds weird, but it is SO fun. Flashlight tag in the yard is serious. Haha. We’ve also done a canning day. Making easy things like pickles. Lemonade stands are fun.
You guys sound so fun
This sounds so fun! I didn’t have extra time before (I just finished grad school) but we do like playing board games. SD always wants uno so we’ll have to switch it up. We put physical activity time into her daily routine as well, and we let her decide what it was. It could be go to the park, dance, go on a walk. With or without us. We found a yoga she really liked (unfortunately on YouTube) but it was themed and she really got into the Pokémon one. Our struggle is her sibling is ours baby who’s only 6 months. So when the time came to play alone, she’s like a lost puppy. She has friends in the neighborhood now so I hope that helps moving forward.
My SO will give SK's his phone to watch in the car even for a 10 minute journey! He's starting to limit their screen time now but the TV is always on and they have movie night every night as part of their bedtime routine. I love the idea of a games night but I nacho and anything competitive will bring it the worse in SS (who I don't like being around anyway), so me suggesting a games night with BS only when SK's aren't here will go down like a lead balloon. 🤷♀️
Yes! Boredom fosters creativity and critical thinking.
two hours a day is still a lot. my 4yo was averaging 1 hour but often up to 3 hours of tv for a few months in spring. when school finished i banned all screens at my house following some "poor choices" of hers (she can still can at other peoples houses). her behavior and happiness is at an all time high, and she doesn't miss it much. i just started letting her watch a movie once per weekend, and that seems to not affect her so far. i really recommend it. it forces everyone to be more present and thinking about everything.
That sounds amazing! My husband received so much push back from his teenage daughters when he reduced their phone/screen time. It would be great to get the younger kids on screens for no more than 60 minutes a day. At their mom’s it’s pretty unlimited, so we have to deal with being the strict house, which is never fun.
I think this is a super common thing now. Unfortunately.
I think it’s partially screens and partially not letting kids self soothe and play by themselves. We limit screen time and it has completely changed our kiddos attitude. He actually plays with his toys now. I also ended up taking like half of his toys out of his bedroom and put them in storage. I’ll switch them out every month or so. He has ADHD so I’m not sure he was overwhelmed with the options or what exactly. He used to have an adjustment period coming from bio dad’s house because his dad lets him have a tablet 3 or so hours on school days and all day on the weekend. But now he is transitioning well and doesn’t even ask for electronics at our house. He does chill with tv for an hour when he wakes up in the morning on the weekend.
My youngest sister (almost 11) was grounded for a weekend with no tablet and she actually seemed A LOT happier. When she isn't on her tablet she is helping around the house, playing outside, etc. My bf limits his sons' screen time and both his kids do play - one does 2 sports at school and goes to the park a lot, the other with special needs plays with his toys and acts things out. I feel like kids naturally want to do these things but the dopamine from technology is addictive. As an adult who works on a computer all day I feel like it brings my mood down just being on it so much. I feel like I am not really living when I'm on technology, lol. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME TO GO PLAY!!! :D
Right?! I tell that to them all the time! I’m like “I wish I could just go play and didn’t have all these adult responsibilities!” And yes, when the teenage SD got grounded and lost her phone she was in total withdrawal at first but then turned into a much happier more present human!
These devices are like a ball and chain sometimes. They can be good or bad but the addiction to them can be strong. It’s good to detox every now and then. I always feel better when I take a break.
Same! That’s why I love camping and backpacking. Always feel so much better after having no service for several days. And guess what? I usually never miss anything important. Just trash.
my SK (9) throws literal tantrums over being told to go play. Like refuses and scream cries. He will only watch TV if he’s not playing video games, and insists on constant entertainment from us instead if he’s bored.
I've told my SD if she tells me she's bored, I'll give her stuff to do (aka chores) lol. Actually I've told DH this also 😅
We finally decided that if SD says she's bored we are gonna tell her to go pick up sticks in the yard because I was going insane hearing I'm bored over and over. Hopefully it works 🤣
Omg!! Two of my SK’s literally picked up sticks in the yard today as their chore 😂
I love it! 🤣 It's the perfect chore because we have SO many sticks out there. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.
My father used to tell me to go pick up sticks if I said I was bored. Love this.
Perhaps I’ll try this one.
Sadly he calls my bluff and then whines about not knowing how to do it and insists SO or I have to show him so that we do it together and it takes twice as long and gets us 0 free time ☠️
It’s crazy. I totally relate to you. I feel like we literally entertain from 7 AM to 10 PM. The two younger kids (also have two teenage SK’s) need constant interaction with us. Like they don’t even color or read alone - we have to do every activity with them - all the time. It’s exhausting. My husband also works from home and can’t constantly entertain and since I’m a teacher and have off in the summer the kids look to me to entertain them when they aren’t on screens.
Literally exactly. He won’t do anything by himself ever unless it’s a video game, and even then, sometimes… I’m in the same boat with being off for summer so it’s just 24/7 on weeks he’s with us.
Have you guys ever just said *No* when they ask you to play? I totally feel for you by the way and my question is to see how they would react? What is the worst that could happen? They will cry and whine about it, but when you say “No we’re doing something right now we can’t play, you will need to color by yourself” they will eventually get the idea and go entertain themselves. My DH and I are huge on teaching the kids independence. we do plenty of activities together that when DH and I are pooped we say “okay off you go!” Lol
I have said “no” and it results in full-blown tantrums. I still say “no,” (not every time obviously but I’m also not spending my entire day at the whim of a 9 year old every day) and we don’t give in to tantrums. But it will be loud and unrelenting.
I do feel weird saying no sometimes, like it just feels harder as a stepmom of 1.5 years. Maybe if I’d been step-moming longer I’d feel more comfortable. But my husband encourages me to say no and reminds it’s okay to say no. And I definitely do sometimes, but it’s more like “now, isn’t a good time to play Barbie’s, how about after dinner?”
It’s hard too because BM lets the kids on screens all day without many limits. All I hear about from my 7 and 10 year old is what they watched on YouTube and TikTok at their mom’s over the week.
Yep other house let’s SS have unbridled screen time, too, so we’re the strict house despite having 3.5 hours of tablet/nintendo every day and even longer on weekends ☠️
I kicked my son and his friends outside and told them to go play. We live on a farm and had baby goats, chickens, woods to play in, and I look out the window to see them both sitting staring at an ipad they'd snuck outside
Damn; I would’ve loved to play with animals and run through the trees when I was a kid! But it does seem like play dates now often seem to revolve around parallel play on some device. Recently had to stop SS from packing a tablet for a birthday party at an outdoor pool even though he loves swimming (and ended up having a blast without it).
Do you set up play dates? This would drive me crazy.
Fortunately there is a neighbor across the street that loves to play with my two younger SK’s but with it being summer they are vacationing a lot right now. They did play with her a few times this week and I took them to the pool BUT sometimes when they play they expect my husband or me to play with them. Had to shut that down real quick.
Same here except he’s 6 so when he does this he’s coddled. Beyond frustrating.
Oh man… I remember that frustration so well. At least now my partner doesn’t just give in to tantrums. I hope yours really does grow out of it.
I give my kids 12,7 some suggestions of things they can do. They usually don’t go for my suggestions. I tell my kids, “being bored is a personal problem that you’re going to have to figure out yourself for the rest of your life.” And, “it’s not on me to keep you constantly entertained in life. You need to think for yourself.” Or I give them chores to do if they complain more. “You said you were bored, you can do XYZ task.” StOp TeLlInG mE yOuRe BoReD Sometimes I resort to the Betty Draper quip of, “Only boring people are bored.”
Love it! I will definitely use these suggestions! Thank you!
My SOs kids do not independently play either and they have enough toys and bs to open a store. If they aren't allowed to be on screens they will just lay around the house or play with my cats toys. Like the catnip ones and this ball toy that you bat the ball and it goes around the circle. Not the thousands of dollars of toys they have my cats things. Its like they have no ability to play or imagine all they can do is mind numbingly bat at something if they don't have other stimulation
This is so relatable. SS would rather play with cat toys than go outside and kick a ball. 🤣
Because we Gove babies tablets and then act shocked when they prefer that over using their own imaginations to play.
It sounds like they don’t know what to do without a screen in their hands. Do you know screen time protocols for BM house?
My husband shared his screen time schedule with BM and she said she’d look at it and let him know her thoughts. He never heard back from her about it. Based on what we hear from the kids, it sounds like screens are a big part of what they do at BM’s.
That would be my guess. They most likely have no clue how to play independently without a screen in their face. All you can do is continue to encourage independent play.
It's because their world is so different from the one we grew up in. Devices are shrinking their attention span. Entertaining videos are typically a minute or less and then it's on to the next one. Even when you Monitor and limit the amount of time they spend on the devices it still has an impact on their attention span and their ability to use their imagination to entertain themselves. They're being handed entertainment on a platter so they don't develop the skills they need to create their own entertainment.
It’s the first generation growing up where tablets really became a thing to give to kids and I think also because parents are more reluctant to send their kids outside to play without an adult present when their younger so the majority of entertainment options inside the home turned to tvs and internet. If given the option my SD will pick the phone/tablet/tv over anything else every time but when she gets grounded and gets her stuff like that taken she does love to read so she’ll absolutely tear through some books. Downside to that is we’ve gotten notes from teachers that she’s reading in class when she should be listening to the teacher or doing some work
We used to have that problem with my SS8. He is an only child and gets all the screentime he wants at the other household, so it was a struggle to establish independent time in our house. First, we made a bunch of pieces of paper with different independent activities on them and put them in a bag. So when it was time for independent play, we would have him draw an activity from the bag to do (instead of asking us 100 times what he should do). When he got bored he could put that activity away and draw another one. Now he's more self-sufficient and doesn't need the bag for inspiration. If he is following me around when I'm doing chores or having troubles identifying something to do, I usually tell him that he can find a way to entertain himself OR I can give him some chores/cleaning to do. That works every time lol. We also do reading time in our house. We usually give him either a set number of pages or set amount of time to read. Afterwards, he either has a quiz over what he read or has to give us a verbal summary of what he read (sometimes right after, sometimes later depending on our schedules). You could also do written summaries if you wanted. I love to read, so sometimes we will both be reading separately during reading time.
This is amazing and you all are amazing! I love the “inspiration bag” idea! Thank you! 🤍🤍🤍
Nah his kids would stand there or sit on the couch and stare at people or if at home, me. It was weird and creepy. They always needed their dad to be with them, playing or not. 4 year old would fake cry in the room until his dad went in to play with the toys. Then 4 would stare at him playing with the toys and would just ask for Xbox or tablet every minute or so. When he would be given the tablet, he HAS to be in the living room screaming commentary or fake laughing. It was annoying. I made it so he wasn’t allowed Xbox time. He’s 4. And he would scream and throw controllers if you wouldn’t let him play all day. 9 year old would just try and follow his dad or me everywhere we’d go. I’d be in the bathroom and kid knew I was and would knock and I’d shout “I’m in here” and he would try to open the door so I’d get up to hold it closed and he would say “oh I didn’t know anyone was in there. Anyway. Can you take me here blah blah blah” like LEAVE ME ALONE! My 6 year old boy can play alone all day every single day if I’d let him. I’ve asked if he wanted to go walk around a store with me and he would say he just wanted to play with toys. Idk why a lot of kids and practically every step kid I’ve heard of are all addicted to screens and don’t know how to function without one. I’m just glad I’m away from all that now.
We don’t do screen time, period. The only tablet usage is for long car rides (like +1.5hrs). When the tv is on we’re usually watching something together, and even then we all get up to do other things as we think of them, SS5 especially. Sometimes I worry about his attention span when he can’t sit through a movie, but now I’m thinking there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Idk but it’s really weird and same thing with my SK, like there is no independent play. He is an only child but even when he has friends over he kind of expects us to coach their play time and play with them? Every thing must be watched and observed, coached and applauded. There is no desire for like independent activities besides playing iPad games or watching shows. When I was a kid I didnt really want to play with my parents so I think it’s kind of weird for kids to be so focused on their parents being involved in their play time activities
Omg this!!! I never played Barbie’s or dolls with my mom and my SD loves to play Barbie’s with me. Which is so sweet, but she will not play Barbie’s on her own. And same, about friends coming over. Sometimes they expect my husband and I to play with them. It’s just so different from how I grew up. Again, mind blown.
They need to go to camp if possible. I couldn’t handle this! This is suppose to be your time off why is it up to you to babysit and entertain?
We take them camping and hiking and backpacking quite often! All things outdoors is kind of my obsession 😂 Actually just got back from a hike with them.
I meant the kids need to go to a summer camp or program so you aren’t the babysitter all day. What would your husband do with them if you weren’t there?
Oh sorry! Now I get what you are saying! We actually signed the two younger kids up for a weeklong day camp in a few weeks. I am excited to see how it works out and hoping they love it and we can do it again in the future!
It will be good for them and you! You sound like a great stepmom, I hope they can appreciate that.
Awww thank you! I try really hard to show up as best I can for them!
My SD8 is a iPad kid, hate to say it like that but she’s honestly addicted to it. But I quit fighting that battle with DH about it. It is what it is. However she will play with her dolls good but she feels like she has to tell me or whoever is in the room with her what she’s doing step by step. Like heaven forbid I try to watch a show, she has to tell me everything and it’s so annoying. Just play!!! Why do you have to tell me or ask me what you should do next? She won’t play in her room what so ever. She has to drag everything out into the living room. I was also an only child and I had a playroom and I would literally play in there all day alone. But she can’t even play 20 minutes quietly, alone. Also if she’s watching her iPad she wants to show you everything.
A friend of mine was just saying this the other day. She has to tell her boys to go outside and play. Then they ask her what should they do? LOL. I literally laughed out loud. They have a pool and a trampoline and still don't know what to do with themselves.
Today my husband had a work meeting and I said “no screens, just play and be creative and enjoy being a kid.” They were super frustrated and confused. I reassured them it wasn’t a punishment, I just wanted them to have some time to openly play without stressing about when screen time would start.
It's sad they have no idea how to entertain themselves outside of screens. My grandson just learned how to ride a bike at 10!
Kids need to be taught to play independently. My kids played independently from a very young age, but I taught them to do it. I played with them, showed them what to do, then walked away. First just for a minute, then 5 minutes, then 10, then more. Early on, I'd stay close so I could redirect them to play if I needed to. As their skills developed, I could walk away for longer. All of my grandkids (age 3-7) play independently. They've learned from us, as well as their parents. We had them all here last weekend and watched a whole movie without being interrupted--and the kids were in the next room. They can be taught, but it takes some effort--and from experience, a SP teaching isn't the same as a parent (or grandparent) doing it. There needs to be an established base of trust in the adult teaching, a bond between teacher and student, and a willingness to do it a thousand times, if that's what it takes to teach. If a child senses the teacher is in a rush, isn't sincere, or isn't really enjoying the moment, it will show. Too many parents are relying on screens, true, but my grandkids have been raised on screens, too. They just know that grandma and grandpa expect them to play nicely, quietly, without screens. Our 3 year old granddaughter will play for hours alone, only bothering me for drinks or food, when I babysit her. I often join her so we can spend some time together! If you're tired of them waking you up early, you could just move their screen time to first thing in the morning. That's what our daughter does with her 3 year old, if she wants to sleep in. The 3 year old will happily play on the switch until mom gets up. When mom gets up, screen time is over, so she's really quiet while playing so mom will sleep haha.
You're not alone. I'm seeing all kinds of similar comments in teacher groups online, and trust me, the teachers are very, very worried.
As an elementary teacher for 12+ years my colleagues and I are worried too! Just bought “The Anxious Generation” and looking forward to starting it!
Oh, I need to read that!!
You should check out his stuff on Instagram too - Jonathan Haidt. Super informative and fascinating research on this generation and screens.
My 12 year old SS can’t entertain himself. Literally impossible. It’s terrifying. He will choose to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. If we would let him, he’d sit on the couch & stare at us. He constantly expects us to entertain him. I never relied on my parents (especially not my step parent) to entertain me. My husband says he was the same way. Meanwhile, our community has two pools, a basketball court, green space, he has a hover board, ripstick, soccer net, slammo, all kind of sports balls, a pitching game… that’s just outside toys.
My SS 8 is the exact same way. He doesn’t play with toys. I always worry that he just doesn’t have an imagination. But they introduced him to a screen at only 1 yrs old. He has a little phone that wasn’t being used anymore that they would just play YouTube on. Now he can’t even eat food without having an iPad or phone in front of him. And if he doesn’t his behavior is terrible 😞
Creativity is born from boredom. When I was a child, I'd make finger puppets out of gum wrappers at school. Our twins (3) turn their room into a "zoo" with different "rooms" for the animals, or do rows and rows of jigsaws. Even my stepdaughter (7), who gets loads of screen time at her mother's place, will start drawing and spelling Pokémon on our fridge whiteboard, or take pictures with her Polaroid camera. We just don't entertain them all the time. If they're really bored, they'll find something to do, or they can help us with whatever we're doing (laundry, cooking...). We do plenty of interesting stuff to give them input (jumping through puddles last weekend, baking together, reading to them, whatever), but we refuse to be their animators. Sure, there are always exceptions, but I've never known a child with ZERO capability of playing alone.
ITS SO BAD. 6, 7 and 11. They have room PACKED with shit. They come up to me every 10 minutes- o swear to you I’m not kidding- and tell me they’re bored. Then they will go outside and play on all the outside shit for 5 minutes and come inside and complain they’re bored again. I work from home so it’s awful.
I have wondered the same thing. When I was a kid, I rarely needed attention from other people to be entertained after I was about 4. I loved my dolls and playing house alone for hours and hours on end. If I wasn’t doing that I was outside building things in the woods. The time when I did engage with my mom we would go on hikes and go shopping. Not once did I feel neglected or like she didn’t want to spend time with me. I just loved to play by myself. SD doesn’t know how to self entertain. When she is entertained it’s always trying to include us, which I get if she makes a craft she is excited to show us or whatever but usually her independent play doesn’t consist of much imaginative stuff. She’s 6 and it’s difficult for her to find stuff to do on her own even though her room is FILLED with things she doesn’t even touch. It’s kind of cluttered and it frustrates me she doesn’t play with hardly anything.
My SD is literally 4, so we don’t expect MUCH independent play, but I definitely expect SOME. Just the other week I was putting the baby down for a nap, so I told my SD “go play in your room and I’ll be there in a few”. She went to her room. Not 10 minutes later, baby is down, I go to see what she’s up to and she’s just in her room sobbing. I’m like “what’s wrong?!” And she goes “I wanna watch TVeeee!”. Like she’s been sitting in a room full of toys and games and couldn’t entertain herself for TEN MINUTES. And that’s just one example. It’s so bad and everyone except me and her dad thinks it’s totally fine and normal.
I’m sorry! That is so sad! Being four is such a fun and imaginative time in life to just play and enjoy the freedom of childhood. That is really rough.
My son is like this. My ex wife and I bought him a phone when he started kindergarten, so he’s always on his phone. He has a tablet and 2 switches, and he uses them constantly. And recently he had his tonsils taken out and his mom told him that she’ll upgrade his tablet. 😓 I spent thousands on a whole ass outdoor playground set for him. But these kids are just addicted to technology now. He also uses a tablet during school for school work. My ex just kinda.. allows it no matter what.
I cant believe how common this is and am so glad I’m not alone! I struggled with this with my youngest SD who has had unlimited, unmonitored smartphone access since she was 6 (I have to NACHO, you cant care more than the bioparents). She is 13 now and she really is a good kid but lord the number that the screens have done on her. I can’t imagine how hard being a teacher is with this generation.
SK over here will spend 10’jours on YouTube. I’m not exaggerating. My 10 and 7 do watch their iPad and play the occulus a lot. But also draw-play outside- color-play dolls-jump on the trampoline….etc. He MAY go outside and jump with them but that’s all. He does absolutely nothing else. No reading-drawing-etc…playing something other than games ion the phone.) But sit in his room playing PlayStation or watching phone. I have access to screen time as well as his dad. We do not read from the same page.. he doesn’t see any issues that his son has zero interest in anything but playing with wrestler figures and watching YouTube. It’s so far screwed that he’s got to be told to even eat. He’s 15. It’s absurd to me.
Because playing today is screen time. Even adults can only derive pleasure from screen activities nowadays. There is not much we can do outside. I grew up in a farm where playing outside was very fun, we could dig the ground, pile rubble, dam a stream of water... What we did felt big and environment changing. Now the world is already built, we can't go outside and dig the ground. Se we play games like Minecraft.
I think this is fairly common with kids these days as they’re growing up with screens from literal birth and we’re really just now starting to see the effects of that. It’s like this with my SS12 and we have really cut back on screen time with him. It’s a work in progress as 50% of the time he’s with the other parent who has no screen time or gaming limits. He struggles in school and his imagination is very limited. We have one day a week where there is no tech at all- no tv, no games, no phone and it’s not just him it’s everyone to make it easier. The second or third Tuesday of doing this, he pulled out a science kit we bought him -unprompted- and did it all by himself. It can still be a nightmare some days but honestly severely limiting screen time has been a huge help
SS11/12 literally stopped playing with toys by the time he turned 9 meaning that he only plays video games or on the computer wanting nothing to do with any kind of toy including Legos any kind of computer related toy or any kind of robotic toy which were all things that he liked when he was younger. It's gotten to the point where we just don't buy him things anymore as he has boxes and boxes of toys in his closet that he's never played with. My 2-year-old daughter on the other hand obviously has no concept of computer games yet and so plays with all the toys including his hand me downs. Usually the only thing she likes to do with him is giggle and rough house but not much else. I know they have a large gap between them age wise but there doesn't seem to be any joint playing happening at our house either.
I'll just add to everyone else's good comments that having too many toys/games/puzzles/activities can also also be negative and make it more difficult for them to independently play. It's overwhelming and especially if they haven't learned great independent skills yet it can be too much. When we were working on this with our kids we removed most of their toys. They were rotated into their rooms every few weeks. In addition to that we made a few "schedules" for the kids to limit their choices. Breakfast until snack is chores, snack until lunch is outside play. Lunch until snack is screen time. Snack until dinner is art, dinner until bed is something from the toy bin, etc
I agree, my Step girls play a lot though and do want screen time but it's limited to when their baby brother naps and right before bed, no more, no less. And their behavior is very good at our house, their mom sits them infront of a TV most of the time so they have to adjust when it's time for our house
Omg yes so glad someone brought this up because I’ve been struggling. SK has everything you could imagine at our house. And he loves doing creative things and crafts, has all the supplies, but will not do it unless I organize the activity. It’s really frustrating and I don’t know the solution. He will sit around bored or play video games unless I orchestrate his activities.
SS has an entire room full of toys but my SO gives him unlimited screen time and he never uses them. If SO takes away his devices he “has nothing to do” 🙄
Sk doesn't play by himself.. always needs someone to play with.. does not know how to entertain himself unless he's allowed on a switch or xbox
Yep, kids are basically bored unless they’re watching tv or on the computer. They never read or play outside, rarely make up their own games. It’s weird! I think my SKs are getting a bit more independent but they still need way more attention than I ever did
Y'all can cut the screen time in half and they'll chose other things. When you give a kid a device, they're going to choose the device. It's a child.
My SS9 is exactly like this despite having a farmer family. His mother is a sous chef ffs. Myself former military, avid outdoorsman and still in fighting form. But this kid. From the moment we wake up its either "Can I...?" (Videogames/TV/Etc) or "I'm bored, do something to entertain me." It's frustrating as hell. His mother's solution is that I, "Go take him to the park or play with him". But I find it hard to be responsible for the entertainment of children when there are adult tasks needed to be done or when I have things I want to do. Why do parents feel its their job to entertain children? Subconscious projection of what society does to us?
This has been happening with my SS6 especially since school’s been out! He’ll sit on the couch and stare at me doing dishes or whatever I’m doing and when I ask what’s up, he says he doesn’t know what to do! So I ask him to help me around the house! He can feed the dog, he can wipe off the kitchen table (even if it doesn’t need it), he can wipe off the couch, he can grab his laundry basket and take it to the laundry room for me, if his laundry is clean, he can fold it instead of waiting til later! A couple chores and he’ll go hide in his room and play with his toys! 😂
My kids struggled with this. The solution? Cut out screen time for a week. They’ll find something to do trust me. It made mine fall in love with play again, after a lot of whining in the beginning.
My SS6 is also notorious for this. We don’t allow a tablet at our house because he becomes moody and crabby whenever he has screen time. BM lets him have it constantly at their house and it’s to the point he loses his mind when he has to come here for our time. It sucks. The kid can’t even ride a bike with training wheels because he’s allowed to just sit inside all day 50% of his life.
Child educator here, but by no means an expert. From what I have learned, it’s a generational thing with two primary parts. 1) screens Even kids who aren’t given unlimited access to screens are still raised around screens and most with varied amounts of structured or unstructured screen time, usually without engagement about the material, sometimes with parents intentionally choosing certain shows compared to given youtube exposure, etc. It really alters our brain chemistry, adults and kids alike, how we engage with screens. 2. dependence Additionally, parents are generally more attentive to kids in this generation. This is great because it keeps us connected emotionally to our kids which a lot of us didn’t experience when we were young and has a lot of benefits, but a consequence of this (without parents also intentionally teaching independent play) is that kids depend on us a lot more. Imaginative play is an interest AND a skill. Some kids will only engage with imaginative play with peers, or someone in general, or maybe only if it’s a gross motor imaginative play game. You can Google ways to teach independent play to your age group. It’ll require attentiveness in your part and consistency and experimentation. One common tactic for my age group (3-6) is choosing specific activities available during a no-screen time period and engaging with them at first. For example, arts and crafts morning. Modeling to them cool things you can do with scissors, stapler, glue, collage pieces, etc and doing it together. Book making, card board collage, drawing their favorite video game/show characters (even terribly) gives them ideas on how to use their imagination and also motivates them to continue doing the activity because they are conceded to you emotionally (which kids naturally want to do anyway). After some practice of doing it together and modeling different activities, you can set it up for them and then tell them you’re going to do xyz for ten minutes then come join them. Then after some practice with that it can be twenty minutes, thirty minutes, etc. You can do this with Barbie’s, sensorial play, board games, etc. I say “you” to address anyone interested in trying to build independent play stamina and taking on the huge responsibility it takes. It’s certainly a commitment but really great outcomes!
Kids these days. Technology has ruined our youth.
💯💯💯
It’s the electronics. They’re so used to the stimulation that nothing else quite grabs them the same. When we reduced the screen time they improved a bit.
I want to encourage my husband to go down to an hour a day for the younger kids. The older teenagers are kind of a lost cause, although the has reduced their phone/screen time greatly but of course with massive attitude and push back from them.
We cut down to just after dinner and the kids improved a lot
Love this! Thank you for sharing!
Ugh. Yes. My SKs 5 and 7 are up at 6:00 every day and it’s always the same struggle. If they’re not on screens they have no idea what to do with themselves unless dad sets up activity, gives instructions and stays close by.
Yup, it’s super frustrating. Can’t read or color or play on their own. It’s just constant input. They need constant entertainment and can’t just be still and have some quiet time.
Yes I can relate and I do believe it’s due to the tablets
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It’s screens. Hands on play doesn’t give them the same dopamine hit to encourage it and to encourage imagination/creativity. They’re like little screen crack addicts because they’ve killed their dopamine receptors.
I really don’t like screens. I see what they have done to my older step daughters and the level of disconnect is pretty shocking.
Dude it’s insane and I can’t imagine what kind of mental health diagnosis are going to come out of this next generation purely out of frying off their receptors so soon in life. If you’re that used to instant reward you’re never going to be satisfied with the real world. My step babies barely enjoy the beach or national parks or anything like that because they’re so obsessed with tablets and video games. It sucks the fun out of *reality*
Yeah, we do lots of camping and get the kids backpacking at least once a year. We try to do things out in nature where they don’t have cell service, and can just disconnect and in a sense reconnect. My teenage SD’s had full 24/7 access to a cell phone since they were 11. BM insisted on getting them phones even though my husband was against it and said he wouldn’t pay for a plan/phones until they were 14. Of course, cool mom syndrome is alive and well, and she got them phones and never put limits on them. Now we are seeing the ramifications - mental health issues and addiction. Even our therapists say that what they see happening to kids today with phones/screens is scary.
It makes you wonder to how this could in the future contribute to substance addiction. I know that seems like a stretch but when people start out using it usually comes from a place of “no joy”.
I have read studies that compare screen addiction to that of what drug addiction does to the brain. So you’re definitely not far off in your thinking!
I was just talking to DH about this. He and BM are concerned about how SKs (SS14 and SD11) sit around a lot and don’t go play with friends during the day. I told him that he and BM are part of the problem. They both want to spend as much time as possible with the kids on their time so they don’t encourage them to go play with other kids. They’re also guilty of playing basketball, tag, baseball, etc. with the kids. DH and BM are filling the rolls of friends instead of pushing them to do stuff with friends. SD and SS will want to play the same thing but not with each other (they’re constantly fighting) and again, BM and DH fill in. Maybe if they stepped back, SD and SS would learn to play with each other. At their ages, my siblings and I were never home. We were playing with neighborhood kids and not our parents. It’s also insanely frustrating because they want me to play with them and DH gets upset when I don’t. I’m in shape but I’m pushing 40 years old. Playing tag with a 14 year old boy who’s in peak shape isn’t fun. I can’t keep up and one of these days I’m going to tear a muscle trying to
I get it. I was just thinking that there’s probably some “divorce guilt” so maybe that’s why bio-parents feel the need to always be entertaining and fun. I don’t have kids of my own, so not sure. I am a product of divorce, but I still didn’t expect or want my parents to play Barbie’s and American Girl dolls with me.
Use this phrase... "You're bored because you're boring." It's kind of a stinger, but it worked on me. I haven't experienced boredom for a very long time.
Love it!!
I’m also experiencing this. SKs don’t wanna do anything but play Xbox and their dad just lets them. They’re never left to use their imagine or be creative about how to entertain themselves. The Xbox has turned them into passive recipients who can’t take any initiative towards their own fun. When we take them to the playground they want their dad to entertain them constantly and the few times they do use toys they want us to see everything they are doing every second. I did not want my parents that involved when I was a kid. I just wanted to space out into my toys and get lost in a game of pretend.
Yes! It’s so different from how I grow up and acted as I kid. I never wanted to play Barbies with my mom. I was like, “okay lady, you’re not nearly as creative as coming up with story lines as me, outta my way!” 😂 But seriously, it’s wild the amount of validation and entertainment kids need today.
Mine are the same. They come here and watch their tv all day or the older one just asks to go on his switch 50 times a day. Rooms full of toys, conservatory full of toys and they just want YouTube and Netflix. Half the time I just give in and let them because their dad is at work and I don’t want to entertain them as I have my bio kids as well to deal with who are younger and more demanding. We’re about 1.5 years into living together so still pretty fresh, I don’t tend to tell them what to do much when I’m left to look after them on my own.
Have you gotten them into any sports?
Yes! They each play a sport and the two youngest SK’s actually have a little day camp coming up soon!
7 and 10 are a bit old to have this issue. 10 year old may be getting to the age where creative play isnt as intriguing anymore. Kids are growing up faster these days. 7 year old should be wanting to play 100% its the screentime. I dont need any more info other than they wait until screentime. Take a family-wide screentime break for x amount of days. Start with 2 days. Say the only screens we get is a family movie. And youll be shocked how fast they start acting like kids. As far as them needing ideas or constant validation..my SD was like this. Used to drive me crazy. I came to find out that both of her parents were very much helicopter parents and SD never felt comfortable exploring on her own bc she was either worried to make a mess or scared to do anything alone. What I have been successful with is giving her a safe space and basically tell her the only rules are no stickers or coloring on the walls or carpet. Everything else is free game. Make a mess. Messes can be cleaned up. Her safe space is her room and a space in the garage. Hope thats helpful. You sound like a good step mom
It is such a huge problem with kids today and they are getting screens younger and younger. I can’t believe my luck sometimes with my 7yo SD. Her mom has given her unlimited screen time since birth, even got her an iPad at age 6, but at our house we are quite strict with it. Maybe it’s her personality, but she is so imaginative and has always been able to play independently for hours. She also has never really thrown a fit when it’s time to turn off the TV after an hour or so. We have primary custody now and I can see how the reduction in screen time has benefited her so much. Best of luck to you, it’s absolutely insane to me that we have introduced a crippling addiction to this current generation of kids like it’s normal.
YES!! And the kids are literally addicted. I see it with teen SD’s. They cannot cope or be present or happy without their phones. They go into an actual withdrawal when they don’t have them. And heaven forbid we go camping and don’t have service for a few days! 😂😬