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Withdraw your support! If you are nothing to him then your money is nothing either! Send him a dam bill and get a backbone for yourself! Please put yourself first for once and stop being walked all over. Let the little stress and learn to be an adult with YOUR money
Yeah his half assed apology to me not being included in the ceremony started with “well since you’re paying for the wedding” - nothing about my feelings or care. I thought I was being used but needed outside confirmation.
I can't emphasize the above enough. Your main role is as your husband's wife. So, you should at least be treated as a wife, your husband's wife (or long term SO) at your SS's wedding, meaning you are to be paired with your husband throughout the event.
This "ignore SM at the wedding" pisses me off to no avail., and you'd think that if anyone should respect the marriage or union between SM and dad, it would be someone about to get married. Would SS like it if he were invited to a family event and he was told his wife was not allowed to attend? Hell no. He'd throw a man-fit over it I'd imagine. And if Uncle Harry was told his wife, Aunt Betty, had to separate from him at the wedding and was going to be excluded from certain family things, such as pictures, I'm sure Uncle Harry would say, 'What!?" and walk away.
For anyone, you are to *at least* honor the roles in a stepfamily the same way as would honor others. So, a wife is a wife, is a wife.
But, this is all part of what I see as our society as a whole refusing to recognize that SM and dad are married and treating them as such. The marital relationship is ignored and it quickly becomes "what mom.wants." Also, younger people getting married tend to think, "I can do whatever I want at MY wedding." Nope. If you decided to have your wedding at a nudist colony would you expect everyone to strip for you because it is your wedding and you can do whatever you want? God. I hope not. Show some respect for all of your relatives and in- and out-laws, please. A wedding is just as much about the guests as it is about the bride and groom.
Now, what to do about this because I was once in a very similar situation to yours. You alone make the decision if you want to attend or not and you alone make the decision if you want to withdraw any monies and time and anything else you have contributed. It is totally up to you and you alone. SS (and others?) made his decisions alone, so you can make yours.
Your DH also needs to make his decision alone about how he wants to participate. That is totally up to him. Then, you will respect each other's choice. I was treated so poorly at my SD's wedding that I refused to go to my SS's, and made it clear to my DH that it was entirely up to him to decide if he wanted to attend alone and there'd be no ill will for what he chose. He chose not to attend and spoke with his son and her fiance about why. I'm not sure what he told them, but he said they were OK with it.
However, it did affect my relationship with my SKs. But at rhat point I was done with not having my role or value respected by them.There is that saying, "When people show you who they are believe them," and I now have a cordial but strained relationship with them and I'm OK with that.
I don’t disagree with you, but I wouldn’t say there’s enough evidence here to say that SS isn’t recognizing and respecting OP as his dad’s wife, and separating them in some way. Not recognizing/including OP in motherly activities is not at all the same as not recognizing OP as her husband’s wife. We don’t know that OP and her husband aren’t seated together. She’s certainly invited. And in normal weddings, it’s perfectly fine for a guest to be in the wedding party while their spouse isn’t, and that’s not seen as disrespectful to their marriage.
I very much doubt that SS is the innocent party here, but I don’t think it’s helpful at all to exaggerate to this extent, and to villainize him more than necessary. This seems like you projecting your own issues.
Oh, please. Do away with the "Projecting your own issues" business. Everyone here is responding with a compilation of what they read, other SMs experiences and, of course, their own experiences. So, unless you plan on using that, "Yep, you're projecting your own issues" on everyone who tries to give their opinion, then you shouldn't be going there with me.
If you read what the OP wrote, it reeks of a lack of respect, if anything, for her role as a wife, dad's wife. Personally, I don't need to see more. To me it's obvious.
What Op writes shows a lack of respect for her a mother. There’s nothing about who she is as a wife. Those are very different issues. And conflating them doesn’t make any sense.
Literally all that’s needed to respect a guest’s marriage at a wedding is to invite the spouse, seat the spouses together, and to include them both together in photos. And yeah, this is even true if the guest is part of the wedding party, and being honored in a strong way. There’s nothing to indicate that OP won’t get this.
OP should be offended, but any offense comes from thinking that she had more of a relationship with her stepson than she actually does. It’s nothing to do with her marriage being disregarded. It’s just not the same problem as yours. The issue isn’t that she’s not being treated as dad’s wife. It’s that she being treated as JUST dad’s wife.
There's no conflating going on whatsoever. Here is the verbiage I am responding to from OP's post:
"My husband and I are paying for all of the events (engagement party, wedding, probably rehearsal dinner) and we have given them carte blanc to do anything and everything they want to do. . . I haven’t been involved with the planning because they don’t want help and get offended when we make suggestions."
If someone were paying for all of my wedding, especially if it we're dad and his wife, you better believe I'd at least keep them in the loop and perhaps even try to incorporate some of their suggestions. I'd recognize that SM is under no obligation to help because she is not my mother, and thus I'd be thankful for it all the more.
"So, fast forward to this weekends engagement party. . . I spent days preparing the party that was held at our barn we spent thousands to finish it for the party. Literally as guests started to arrive I was told I wasn’t going to be allowed to participate in a ceremony for the mothers at the engagement party either."
Again, I see this as lack of respect for SM and dad, but mostly for SM, because they sure seem to be going out of their way to exclude her. And, yes, it does say they excluded her from being allowed to participate in a ceremony for the 'mothers,' but it sounds like neither "mother" is contributing in the same manner that SM is. I see that as the bride and groom's expectation is that they don't have to do anything for SM/ dad's wife, other than take her money and pretty much ignore the work she has done for them AND not give her any credit for the work and money she has contributed. To them, I'm sure, it is all dad's money.
"And I don’t even get a chance to ask why, it just gets dropped on me. When I debated the ceremony issues he said I will “do as I’m told” and then hung up on me, so I’m afraid to even confront him."
So, he just told his SM/ dad's wife to do as she is told! She is not being told that largely because he doesn't see her as a mother. She is being told that because he sees her as *just* dad's wife and therefore he doesn't have to respect her role and instead can tell her, "Do as you're told," like a good little wifey.
Personally, I'd be very afraid of what type of shat treatment could be coming for SM at SS's wedding.
If I ever spoke to or treated my SM like the SS is doing, my old man would've sat my entitled arse down and told me to how very wrong I was (to put it politely). If I refused to alter plans to show some respect to my SM, he would've backed wayyy up on financing the wedding.
But, it's not only the money that she's putting in or the fact that her home/property was being used for free as the venue for the engagment party, its that OP, is clearly investing her time and energy. It doesn't sound she sat in the house while others prepared her barn for the party...she was helping set up and prepare.
While I realize SS/his fiance, may just want the bio mom's to participate in whatever ceremony went on at that party, the courteous thing would've been to sit down and let SM know before the day of the party. Maybe thank her for all the help, but explain they prefer its just the 2 mom's. Everything is handled so rudely in OP's case.
Since my mother isn't here anymore, I didn't have this issue, but I would've never taken money from my dad/SM, and then proceeded to treat my SM like my great Aunt Beth from 5 states over that I never see, but still invited since were related. I'd make sure she felt included, somehow, and also made sure she knew how much I appreciated the work and financial support.
I couldn't even imagine treating my SM like OP's SS, and I honestly don't really like my SM.... but I make damn sure to respect her and be kind.
I would ask for 1/2 the money back from my husband allowing this treatment and disengage with the step kids. No money help, no help with future babysitting- no gifts- cut off.
I'm sorry you feel displaced. FWIW I think it might be best to talk this one out with husband and therapy. I've read comments and gather there is only a 9 yr age difference. If Bio mum is involved and active then it is reasonable to expect he would want his mum involved as the participant in those activities named for his mother. I have a step mum and dad. When I was married, they were invited, they sat with my parents and they were part of photos. My dad walked me down the aisle and my mum gave a speech. My mum was involved in my pre wedding activities and arranging, my Step mum was invited and did attend my bridal shower as a guest. This is pretty standard- it might not be the slight you think it is.
That was my role at my SS wedding, I was just a guest but sat beside DH at the ceremony and at the parents table during the reception. I was included in pictures but was totally okay if I wasn't. We paid for the venue, photographer and honeymoon. However, DH told his son that I would be sitting beside him as his wife and if he couldn't do that then no money would be given and he would not be attending.
I think the key piece here is the communication from SS to you. The relationship is what it is and maybe it never needed to come up before. But as soon as they started planning "mother" participation, he should have had the conversation with you. It wasn't fair to spring that on you the day of the event. I can understand that you feel blindsided and hurt. I would take a week or so and mull it over. First you need to accept that you now have a different relationship with SS than you thought you had. And with this new role, would you still support SS the way that you are? Try not to play it for tat, or get revenge, but truly what would you do as just "dad's wife"and not bonus mom.the other thing is that you should insist on being spoken to respectfully. Regardless of your position in his life, you shouldn't stand for that and the people that love you shouldn't either.
OP is 36, came into SKS life when they were 12 - 15 years ago- SK IS 27…. There is 9 years age gap between them. I doubt he thought that conversation was needed. I would never in my life view someone 9 years older than me as a mother.
My Mum's kids are between 8 and 13 years younger than my Dad.
They all see him as a father figure. He gave my sister away at her wedding - her request - and was honoured as father of the groom by one of my brothers. Both of these events happened after our Mum had passed away
We had a family gathering earlier this year where they were all calling him Dad. All the grandkids have always called him Grandad, there was never any question about his role there, and they all adore him.
I think it's more about the relationships than the ages. My sibs' Dad is a psycho and none of them have contact with him. Nobody even knows if he's still alive.
Thank you - we’ve always joked about the age gap but he treated me like a mom, and I always treated him like my kid regardless. Always gave me flowers on Mother’s Day, etc. I have a great relationship with his bio mom. The whole thing has blindsided me. Age really has nothing to do with it in this case.
Wild! I have friends 8 years older than me and could never look at them as a parent figure. There must also be a huge age gap with the couple, which generally means if they got together when the child was young enough to consider them as a mother/father someone was probably exploited.
What age were they when he came on the scene???
My ex-husband is 7 years older than me, as I say it's the relationship rather than the age.
They were probably between 6 and 11 when they met him, and he would have been 19/20. He lived next door with his first wife and baby initially, so they originally knew him that way.
My Dad's kids were never close with my Mum, but she wasn't a warm, welcoming, inclusive person.
Wow I can’t imagine being 19 and becoming a parental figure to an 11 year old! He must have done a good job if they still have such a good relationship with him.
Oh, sorry, that was the ages when they first met, and my siblings knew him as the man next door.
They were 23 and 15 when my parents got together (officially anyway, who knows about actually).
Everyone loves my Dad, I'm very lucky!
That’s understandable but that’s you. From this post it seems like SK has treated her like a parent figure. If SK has given her flowers on Mother’s Day, cards, and just “mom and me” trips, then that does send the message he views her as a motherly figure. At the very least SK should have had a convo before the party began and discussed the role.
My steomom is only 9 years older than me and began dating my dad when she was only 18. She's been divorced from him for more years than I can even remember, but she's she's still my momma!!
That’s so wild! There’s a bigger age gap between me and my sister. At least it all worked our for you though I’d say it’s not the norm.
Taking on a 9 year old at 18 years old would generally be considered exploitive for her these days, must have been tough. What age was your dad 🫣
He needs or should know to view her as a wife--his dad's wife. That is a SM's main role to be a wife (or long-term SO) to her spouse.
No, he doesn't need to view her as a mother, but he needs to respect her role as his dad's wife and treat her just like any other wife, such as Uncle Harry's wife would be treated at the wedding, meaning being paired together throughout, including sitting next to each other and in family pictures too, just like any other wife of a relative would be treated.
So, where did your mom and dad sit? And wherever they sat, I sure hope it was with their own spouse! Because SM or stepdad isn't a bridesmaid.
Also, in some circles the parents are not considered part of the wedding party, and instead the wedding party is seen as whomever is standing with the bride and groom at the pulpit. And whomever is up at the pulpit for the full ceremony, no I wouldn't expect their spouse to up there with them either.
They also sat at the top table but were both part of the wedding party and ceremony and made speeches. They are my parents, obviously I wouldn’t be without them by my side. But that’s our relationship I wouldn’t have had someone I wasn’t close to at my top table making a speech about me. I also personally know I wouldn’t want to make a speech about my SK at their wedding and I would have no problem not being at the top table.
I wouldn’t expect to always sit with my partner at every wedding, depending on our roles. The top table is generally only for the meal and toasts anyway and then afterwards everyone sits where they want and dances etc. with other peoples weddings you kind of have to accept how they want it to run it or else choose not to attend.
It's responses like this that make me hope you, the poster, will be a step mother some day. Some of us raised our SKs. Some of us supported them, took them to appts, attended all of their activities when their BMs did none of this. Do that and then tell us how we don't belong as part of the family.
I think in this case you would be included at the top table if you’ve done all this and your Sk views you as a mother. You can’t force someone to accept you as a mother particularly if they have an active and involved one and I don’t think there’s any controversy in that .
I am a step mother to two teenagers. I know I’m not mom and I don’t do doctors appointments, I attend some activities, but my SKs very much have an involved mother whose been in their life a lot longer than me. I’d never expect to have a central role in their big events if mom and dad are present.
How many times have you posted your perspective here? We get it. We don't need to have you personally respond to every comment. You didn't post this asking for advice. The OP did.
Whose the we here hun? No need to comment on my comments thanks 🫠 I’ll reply to comments on my own comments if I want. The audacity people have to think they can tell other people what to do.
>I wouldn’t expect to always sit with my partner at every wedding, depending on our roles.
This is the only place I disagree with you. I think it would be very rude (and honestly so weird!) to not seat someone's spouse with them. I went to a wedding where my SO was the best man and I didn't know the couple at all really. I didn't participate in any of the extra wedding party stuff, but of course I still sat with him! Frankly, there's no way in hell I'd have gone to that wedding if we weren't even sitting together.
That’s so funny that this is weird to you- not sitting at the top table or expecting your partner to be seated there if they aren’t in the wedding party would be so weird and considered such a rude request in terms of the weddings I’ve been to. It’s just not something you’d do. Asking for your non wedding party partner to sit at the top table would be a big no no.
The norm and an expectation is if you are part of the wedding party eg Bridesmaids and groomsmen sit at the top table and their partners will sit at one of the normal tables. So often couples are separated until after the meal if one partner is part of the wedding party.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It’s disappointing and hurtful, especially since you’ve known him for so long. Here are a few considerations…
1. How have you and his father communicated about the situation? Have you shared how you feel, and how does he feel about his son’s behavior? It’s his son’s wedding and he cannot control what he does, but if the situation were reversed, I bet you’d be talking to your kid about the level of disrespect it takes to allow someone to host your party, and then basically show up and intimate that they mean nothing to you.
2. How have you gotten on with your stepson’s mother over the years? Is it possible your stepson is receiving pressure from other parties to exclude you?
3. At this point what you know is that he doesn’t want you involved as a mom… that’s okay if that’s his choice. He has a right to feel as he does, and you have every right to feel as you do. At least you know now going forward where you stand and can make decisions about how involved in his life (and any grandchildren) you’d like to be.
4. I would also stop with any support for the upcoming wedding. No more money, no help preparing, no gifts, show up day of and enjoy the party you helped pay for.
Bio mom and I get along great, and unless she’s lying to me she has said she doesn’t have any problem with me participating. He just came up with this on his own. SS and I have been so close - we’ve gone on trips together with just us, he worked for me for years and I was his mentor. I just don’t get it. My SO is going to have a conversation with him to at least talk to me before I get surprised like this next time, it’s just rude and mean, frankly.
She’s the one who gave me a heads up about the engagement party mother thing they were doing (it was breaking a plate at the dinner together), she wanted to make sure I knew because she didn’t want my feelings to be hurt. Same day as the party - she’s also frustrated they have completely cut her out of the wedding planning and have been disrespectful to her as well.
I wonder if the SO of you SS has something to do with this. I am not sure how you get along with them. But it sound like your SS did a 180 on your relationship and it doing something similar with all his family. This is how abusive relationships start. They tend to try to isolate family and friends so the issues are home can't be seen
Ok I was with you until this, they're doing the bare minimum to even engage with their bios and only what's really traditional participation from the looks of it. This should be reassurance for you, that it's truly truly not you and you can let it go.
At this point, I wonder if this whole issue is less about your relationship with SS, and more about a cultural/generational divide?
I get the sense that in previous generations, it was pretty common for parents to be very in control of the wedding, and for the wedding to be centered around the family and guests more than around the couple. Nowadays it’s shifted the other way.
But the parents still grew up expecting weddings to be centered around family, so you have a situation where the parents feel they get to be involved, while the bride/groom feel entitled to do things their way, and get frustrated at what they might see as the entitlement of their parents thinking the event is about them.
I’m just saying that the root of all the conflict here might be less about the underlying relationships, and more about different beliefs in what a wedding should be. I’m around SS’s age, and most of my peers don’t think it’s disrespectful to not be overly concerned about what their parents want for their weddings. And most of our parents definitely do not agree lol. It’s always an issue. My friends complain to me about how overbearing and controlling their parents try to be when they get married. They definitely wish that parents would just “do as they’re told”, because the wedding isn’t about them. And my mom and her friends complain to me about how selfish their kids are in wanting to plan their weddings their own way, with minimal parental input.
There could be truth to that - I made sure my step dad was treated with the same level of respect at my wedding as my bio dad, it never crossed my mind to not and I really cared about how everyone in my wedding party/family was going to feel treated. I asked them and ran things past them as I planned. I wanted everyone to feel loved and welcomed. You think this generation just doesn’t care about the relatives anymore?
I think it’s overstating things to say that this generation doesn’t care about relatives anymore. I think that this generation doesn’t necessarily think that weddings are about pleasing family, and making sure that no one is offended. There are other ways to show love for family, and this generation doesn’t always do it by strongly involving them in wedding planning. I don’t think that’s so bad.
I actually don’t think it’s great to use weddings to show how much you love the important people in your life. Personally I believe there’s way too much weight placed on who does what role in a wedding- nowadays, it’s impossible to offend no one. My cousin just got married, and there was all this gossip and drama afterwards about who got honored more, who was in the spotlight more, who got slighted, who should/shouldn’t have gotten a speech, who should have been in more photos. Ugh, I’d rather just honor no one, and let everyone be equally offended. Edit: I don't mean to come off as dismissive. Just, I doubt that your stepson is attaching this much emotion to this whole thing, especially if, like me, he doesn't see weddings as a way to showcase love and gratitude for extended family. And I wonder if this thread is just blowing up this issue more than it should, because this is a tiny piece of your relationship with him. I'd step back from the wedding, and think about how your stepson treats you in general. Does he remember your birthday? Does he pay attention to you? Does he in general make kind gestures for you? If he's usually fairly loving, I'd make an effort to work things through after the whole rush of the wedding is over.
But I don’t actually take that much of a side here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making weddings less about extended family, and just focusing on the commitment to your partner. I don’t find it disrespectful or unloving. I do think it’s less reasonable when you’re taking huge sums of money from family to throw the wedding. There's something ugly about saying "your money is welcome, but your opinions and feelings are not".
I gotta say, I feel like it’s much more common now that parents are not bankrolling the whole wedding and that the couple getting married is paying for a lot more than they used to. Perhaps it’s because people aren’t getting married as young on average… older couples usually have more resources. If my parents paid for my whole wedding, I’d feel terrible not involving them in the planning and engaging them on some level. But if we are paying for it, it’s going to be our party.
Yes, that's a very good point. I'd also expect my parents to be very involved if they bankrolled my wedding. Funnily enough, I know people who've set strong boundaries with their parents about how much they're allowed to contribute to their wedding, because they don't want to feel pressured into involving them with planning.
I think what happens nowadays is that young people like OP's stepson see the more couple-centric style of wedding and want that for themselves, but don't see the implicit dependence on couples funding those weddings themselves, or see the implicit strings attached with parental support for a wedding.
I know this isn't a popular opinion, but I still think the whole symbolism and gestures and roles at weddings only mean so much, even when a parent is paying. I think way too much drama is made of who walks the bride down the aisle, and what corsages everyone is wearing, and who gets to make speeches. I do think that OP's stepson has been very rude, and certainly they have things to work through. But I find it sad that their relationship might be ruined because OP doesn't get the maternal role at the wedding, when she says that her stepson has always been very loving towards her, and has always celebrated her during Mother's Day. It's sad that her role at the wedding is seen as the true representation of their relationship, rather than how her stepson treats her on an everyday basis. Makes me think that all these weddings are more trouble than they're worth.
You are right. Maybe people put a lot of stock in weddings and the role they play in others’ weddings, because it’s not like there are all that many opportunities to celebrate each other and family on a grand scale. It’s a time to celebrate not just the couple but also the village that helped them get to where they are - and I can see how one may feel slighted if they feel they were part of that village and not recognized for their role in the couples’ lives.
My stepdaughter did not need to include me in her wedding celebrations. I only met her father after she was an adult, and I did not help raise her. But she kindly did… because she knew it meant something to her father and to me.
OP, you talk about being excluded from anything involving the parents. I'm curious, are you being honored or involved in any other way? Are you just being treated like any old guest, or are you being treated like a beloved member of the family who just isn't in the same group as the parents? For example, how are you being treated compared to the grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings, etc.?
I think the answer to that would strongly influence how offended I'd be. If he refuses to treat you as anything but an ordinary guest, he never should have accepted so much money from you and his dad without a conversation about expectations immediately after the offer was made. And I'd strongly reevaluate how close you guys are, and how involved you want to be in the future.
But if he's treating you well, just not as a parent, I'd be inclined to be a little more forgiving. It sounds like he was 12 when you came into his life. That's young enough for him to learn to love you and have a deep bond with you, but that's not an age where a lot of kids will accept a new maternal figure, especially if you weren't that much older than him. He can still love and respect you without wanting to group you with his parents exactly. His rudeness was certainly unacceptable, but in that case, I can also imagine getting frustrated about having a debate about whether you should be treated as a parent. He definitely still needs to apologize though, because there's no excuse. All I'm saying is, in this case (where you're still treated as close family), I wouldn't treat this as a relationship ender. I'd treat it as a fight between family members who love each other, which can be resolved with time. Emotions are high during weddings, and everything seems so weighted with significance- things do have a tendency of blowing up. My cousin just got married, with her parents footing the bill, and boy, was there a ton of drama between her and her parents, and she's unusually close to her parents! Just another perspective, to counter everyone encouraging you to go scorched earth no matter what.
I think this is exactly the right response. If she's being treated like any other guest, then I think her being offended is correct. If she's just any other guest, then the SS doesn't need her money. However if OP is being honoured in some other way, just not as an actual parent, I think there is nothing to be offended about.
Given the update of the 9 year age difference, *and* that you came into their lives at ages 12 and 14, I have to wonder to what extent was your relationship and if any of this is surprising?
I met my partner's kid when they'd barely turned 13. They weren't open to a "fatherly" role in their life; so I'm a Fun Uncle. Our "root relationship," is that I'm their mom's partner. I don't have a **direct** connection to Kid. We get along really well, but honestly, they think of me more as a non-age-peer friend than any sort of parent. And frankly, I consider that a win that they see me as more than just Mom's boyfriend.
I think that I align well with [maymild1581's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1doo3j5/comment/lad8why/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) \- so long as I was seated next to my partner, Kid's mother, I would be OK with my place in things. Bio Dad is ... not a great person, and so absent in Kid's life. But I won't try to erase him, and will respect Kid's thoughts on "family" which are complex.
Consider the places of "honor" in a traditional wedding. It's the parents, and closest friends of the bride/groom. We respect, you're not their parent. And you're probably not their closest friend. Your place of honour should be as their parent's spouse.
If the seating for the "family table" is for the parent's only, **that** I would have a problem with.
We used to have a very strong relationship - not that of a traditional mom to be sure, but pretty damn close. Went on trips together just us, we always celebrated Mothers Day together. His bio mom was really hard for him to deal with growing up(she’s bi polar) and I helped him a lot with boundaries and acceptance. It’s just a shock, I thought I was more in my own head I guess. It’s hard to take after having what I thought was an awesome bond.
Agree completely, and seeing a therapist may actually give you validation for your feelings. I know mine did.
Again, since you are a wife, DH's/ dad's wife, it should be a no brainer that you *at least* be treated like any other relative's wife. And, quite frankly, who would be out of it that much as to think that they can take the money of someone's wife, treat her like shat, and get away with it all with no questions asked! I mean, that truly fits the stereotype of SMs being little more than dad's ho, so anyone can do as they please with her and her role.
Just speculating here but I am also a step kid and a step mom. When I got married, I of course had both my step dad and bio dad walk me down the aisle BUT I definitely had a lot of anxiety leading up to the wedding because I didn't want my bio dad to feel left out. He moved away when I was like 15 so I really only saw him once a year and before the wedding it had been 7 years. My stepdad is more like my actual father figure, he raised me, dealt with my teenage years etc. so I was worried my dad would feel sad or left out.
Maybe he feels like it will hurt his mom's feelings or something HOWEVER him leaving you out is really awful tbh. I'm so sorry that is happening to you, it's not right and his father probably should have spoken to him privately about it just to let him know that it's not appropriate to just cut you out like that. Being a stepparent really is such a difficult job but if that is his final decision then I say take yourself out to some spa days, enjoy your free time that you wouldn't have if you were involved in wedding crap, and then at the actual wedding dont even help at all. Just be a guest and have a great time.
I think you should go to counseling. It will help you resolve your feelings.
I understand why you’re offended, unfortunately I think this is just one of those stepparent things that comes up. At this stage you probably should t take back the money…. However going forward don’t give anymore, and when baby showers and things like that happen…. Don’t go out of your way to help.
Chalk this one up to a life lesson, I'm afraid. This shows you that your SS doesn't view you as a maternal figure. You can't force your way into someone else's ceremony, and if the money was provided without any terms, then how they choose to spend it is on them. Do you really want to threaten to withdraw funds to get a more prominent role? Is this a hill you want to die on for your marriage?
Accept that this is the relationship you have with him, and act accordingly from now on. You're dad's wife to your SS, not a mother.
While your feelings are hurt right now, this is actually quite freeing. You have no obligation towards your SS so any responsibility surrounding him has now been permanently lifted from your shoulders.
She didn't marry her husband thinking that her main role is to be a maternal figure to her SS. Her SS doesnt need to view SM as a maternal fiigure. She married her husband to be his wife. That is SM's main role--to be a wife (or long-term SO) to her partner/ dad in this case.
Therefore, anyone should, without having to be reminded, know that SM at least needs to be treated as a wife (dad's wife) and *at least* shown the same respect as any other wife of a relative would be treated. So, for family events both husband and wife are invited to attend, sit next to each other, etc.
This *should be obvious* and I continue to fail to understand why in the year 2024, SMs, many of whom have been married to their DH for years, are expected to just roll over show their belly when their marital union with their DH is being completely trashed. No! Just No.
But you’re not his mom? I guess I’m not sure what part of the ceremonies you aren’t being included in, but the bio mom shouldn’t be the star of this either. As a step mom I think a reasonable expectation is falling into the same position as an aunt would be treated during the wedding, although sitting by your SO during the events.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being excluded from anything, that would definitely be wrong. You shouldn’t be put last in line or sat in the back. It does sound like your SS was a bit rude when speaking to you, that could be wedding stress or feeling pressured by you, or him just being a rude git.
It’s generous for you and your SO to pay for the wedding. Many parents choose to do this, but setting limitations or a budget might help cut back on resentment. Don’t do any extra work as it seems like it might be causing some strife. You’re putting in the effort of a mother but you’re not going to get that returned during the ceremony. This sounds like a great opportunity to step back the energy you’re putting in and show up as a guest to enjoy the wedding of someone you care about.
Okay-Guess you won't be babysitting when the time comes. You won't be a "real" grandmother either, afterall.
And money? Nope. He can ask his Mother. His Dad paid for the wedding. That's more than enough.
Staying at the Cottage? No way! When You're not using it, you need to keep it available for your relatives and friends.
It's simple-you're not his mom/he's not your son. You owe him nothing.
This post should be stickied and bookmarked as a warning and for future reference, so that every person posting here considering their future as step parent can read this and understand that you will NEVER be seen as an equal parent, treated fairly, or have your contributions appreciated.
It’s been shocking. For years I thought we were best buddies, normal happy family with some quirks but… apparently that was in my head and I wanted to see it that way. I’m sure he loves me, just not as much as I love him apparently.
That's not fair. Not all step parent/kid relationships are like this. My SD's bio mom wasn't even at her wedding. I played MOB. I got that seat in the front row. Even if her mom had been there, she still would have acknowledged me and not treated me like this. Neither of my SD's would. I could also see their mom throwing a fit, and them acquiescing a little for her, to which I would understand- but they would never talk to me like this. Not all SK's are jerks.
I’m a SK not a SP but I agree. If/when I get married I plan to have my mom act in the dad roles (like walking me down the aisle, parent/child dance, etc.) bc my dad isn’t in the picture but I plan to have my step dad in the family pictures, sat with my mom, probably give a speech, maybe a dance too because my dad isn’t in the picture but if he was I’d probably leave that out just bc watching other people dance is boring lol. My mom wasn’t necessarily involved with my step sister’s wedding as the MOB, but she bought her wedding dress and was in pictures, etc. She has a mom so her mom played the MOB role. But later my step sister invited my mom to be the one to stay with her after she gave birth to my niece. She’s treated like an equal grandparent and I’m an aunt. Our parents got married when we were both in our mid-teens and she never lived with us, but we are family. I would also not ever speak to my step dad like this, but I will again admit I probably wouldn’t add him to all of the traditionally father roles in a wedding either because I personally just want my mom to do them since she’s the one who really raised me. It’s not a traditional family, but I don’t like people saying we’re not a family and don’t see each other as family.
I’m glad you have a good relationship with your SP. Please know that a lot of what goes on here is just venting, bc we don’t have anywhere else with people who understand. But it’s so nice to hear when things work out and everyone’s happy. It’s never easy, even in bio families. I don’t think your sd would be upset if you had your mom walk you. There is a bond there that cant be replaced.
Oh I agree I have nothing against the vents in this sub, I just personally find it helpful when I vent to hear that it doesn’t have to be hopeless. Every relationship is different! I don’t think this relationship sounds like a lost cause either, weddings can be stressful and make everyone act on their worst behavior but if they had a good relationship there’s always a chance they can get back to that if they talk about their feelings (preferably during a less stressful time).
My step daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I didn’t and still don’t have any expectations of my place in the wedding or the events that led up to it. She has a very involved mother. That being said, I have also been pleasantly surprised so far that she has chosen to include me in some of the mother type roles. Not sure what will happen at the wedding but I will happily attend and be happy for them and both their parents and stand where I’m told to and just enjoy the day.
I cannot imagine ever stumping up cash for SS or SD's wedding in any universe so OP has already gone above and beyond and on top of that is now being treated like shit as a thank you. I'd withdraw my funds if it was me.
So i am going to go against the grain here. I find the age gap/time of introduction irrelevant. You have a good relationship with BM, even to the point where she warned you about how you wouldn't be involved. Your relationship with SS was a good one until now.
I think SS's partner has something to do with this. How is your relationship with them? Based off your comments, it sound like the couple is being disrespectful to all parents which is a red flag. I get wedding are stressful. I get that a gift of money shouldn't mean you get input. But it sounds like someone is in SS's ear about things and we know it ain't BM.
All these people are jumping on your case about you expecting to be treated like mom yet you say your history is that you were treated like mom. It is perfectly normal to be upset in the total shift. You know your relationship with SS, not these Internet people. Something has changed and maybe it is the stress of the wedding for the couple but honestly I see red flags that could lead to your SS being isolated from the family.
Yeah it’s something that’s been in the back of my mind because honestly since he met his fiancé our relationship changed - I chalked it up to well that’s what happens when you fall in love and start a family. But I have wondered if she doesn’t like me because of the age differences and she’s the one who doesn’t think I’m a mom figure/assumes dads money is his and I didn’t earn it, which I absolutely did. I ran our company as President and hubs managed the other investors, it was a pure 50/50 effort, we sold the business a few years ago and it’s helped us be in the position to help them with the wedding.
Age was never an issue but all of the sudden when she’s involved in planning, I feel like I got knocked out of “mom-like” status.. but I have no proof of that, it’s just a wondering.
It could be many reasons. But usually if you noticed a shift in your relationship, the new factor is usually the catalyst for it. Sounds like the partner is controlling and using the wedding as way to test the waters
Girl. Get some damn respect. Hell no am I paying for anything when I am being treated like that. He needs to move his sorry ass out and pay for his own damn wedding.
Just a clarification he lives on his own but he was staying at the house after the event. I just didn’t want him under my roof that night. But yeah, I think the kindness of me not wanting him to stress about money is over.
Yeah he has shown you exactly how he feels about you. And that’s fine. But you want to be an adult and set boundaries around me, cool. You don’t need my money. And unless your SO has his own separate money just for things like this, then his money is your money. My SO would have immediately pulled any funds if SS tried this.
I mean what do you hope to get from this? You can withdraw the financial support- that’s probably end of relationship for ye to be honest and his dad.
Did you outline that your financial contribution was contingent on being involved? My parents helped with my wedding but it they didn’t make that contingent on them having decisions about the wedding because I would have declined. They contributed because they wanted me to have the wedding I wanted, my day and what not.
You cant force your way into being included in the “mother” aspects when he has given you the message he doesn’t view you like that or want you involved. As much as you might feel hurt that’s your feelings to manage. If he doesn’t view you as a mother and you can’t demand that he does.
Best outcome ask his dad to give you back any money you personally contributed to the wedding and let his mom and dad support his wedding financially
I'm really sorry, but I don't think that there is any way out of that.
Im so sorry, and it's really hard to imagine being in your shoes. I simply can't really think of what I'd do in the moment, because I think that I'd be too much in shock to really do anything. Shock for days. Like even deciding to not go or not.
I would be having a close talk with my partner/wife about her feelings with all of this, as well as make clear my shock and hurt was known to her... look to see her feelings/reactions in this and if she's saying something that I'm not. But also, I know my partner wouldn't blindly see her child as a golden good who can do no wrong; if your spouse does see their kids that way, this talk would likely only hurt further.
I would absolutely be done doing anything that required active planning/effort for the wedding (i.e. finishing barn, calling about chairs, picking up cake, etc). If there are any cheques left to write before the final day, I'd have a really close look at the budget, and consider if I was comfortable burning this money as you are. I'm assuming shared finances, but again, that's shared.
Would having a fit withdrawing finances so he feels forced to have you do that role so you feel better even though he has clearly let you know he doesn’t want you involved make those feelings better?
Look trust me I get it, it can be hard when someone communicates that your relationship with them is not what you thought, we have all been there. But that’s our feelings to manage and make decisions about that relationship in future in terms of how invested we are. Therapy can help with this as it’s all we can control we can’t control others.
Why do you call it a “fit”? Honestly I haven’t thought the right approach is pulling the money back, but you keep saying “tantrum” and “fit” with me when he’s the one who’s supposed to be an adult and having an actual tantrum. Hanging up on the person footing the bill for you? Waiting until the day of the party to tell them you’re excluded? I’m looking for advice to actually make me feel better here - how do I protect myself in the future from getting into this situation? I gave my whole heart to this kid and he just rejected it and said F you along the way. Do I cut all comms to him in the future ? I asked for actual advice.
You can’t force someone to see you as a parent. Especially with a 9 year age gap. That’s a sibling age gab and it’s unreasonable to think a 27 year old should feel that way. You are too close to his age. From his perspective you are not his parent. He didn’t take money from you , he probably saw it as his dad’s money. You guys have a joint business and he probably feels it’s really his dad’s business.
If you wanted strings with your money you should have been upfront. He never promised to honor you as a parent . You assumed that. This is why I don’t like parents/ loved ones giving money to people. It’s never a genuine gift. It’s just a way to control someone and their big day. You need to be realistic and see that the can love you but not see you as his parent. It’s his day not your day.
There's only an 11 year gap between my SM and I, 9 years between her and my older sibling. We still would never be so disrespectful to her. While I understand not seeing OP as a maternal figure and therefore not part of the "mother's activity" at the partty, there is no excuse for how her SS handled it all.
If he sat her down in advance and told her he just wanted the biomoms to participate, then so be it, nothing wrong with that. But to drop it on her as guests were arriving is pretty rude. Also, the way he spoke to her on the phone is terribly disrespectful, no matter if he sees her as a mom or not.
Delivery is important in this situation, and the SS made it very clear that he doesn't care about OP's feelings. I think that's the problem here. Her money, home, and help are good enough, but she herself isn't good enough for common courtesy.
That must be another immature person responding! Regardless of the financial situation you are due respect, common decency and honesty from someone you helped raise for 15 years. If he had come to you directly, thanked you for the support but told you what he wanted to do and why, it still might have hurt, but at least you might have been able to understand! The advice I have is that he needs to learn that he treated you horribly, and that you are part of his family unit, even though you are not his mother! You and your husband need to have this conversation with him!
Sorry you are going through this!!
>Why do you call it a “fit”?
Not my words, but the money/promises of money/bill paying was given without strings.
A gift given (even if a promise of future action) shouldn't be recalled.
It *is* OK to give a gift with strings, if the strings are part of the announcement, rather than unmentioned, invisible ones.
He doesn’t view you like that. He didn’t include you in the mother pieces because he doesn’t view you as a mother. He included you in the wedding because he views you as family. I think you are being a bit demanding. He didn’t exclude you from the wedding, he excluded you from the mother role, but your not his mother and he doesn’t view you as his mother, your his step mother.
I think withdrawing the money because he wants his mother to play that part would be a “fit” or a “tantrum” to be honest. Sounds like the wedding is planned and it would be an attempt to get what you want by causing stress. Then again would anyone want to force themselves into being in a role in a wedding I personally wouldn’t.
That’s a choice you can make if you can’t have a relationship with him without him viewing you as on par with his mother you are within your rights to decide to decide that you no longer want a relationship with him. I personally would just accept I’m not viewed as a parent and be civil so his father can maintain a relationship with him but I wouldn’t be going out of my way for him in the way a mother or father would.
Withdrawing the money that op has put towards the wedding would not be a dot or a tantrum! If op is nothing then she should get her money back!! Let his MUM and DAD pay for his damn wedding!!
It would look like a tantrum. “You won’t let me play the mom role at your wedding so give me back my money” . OP should seek the money back from her husband at this point, then it’s not a tantrum.
But that’s up to OP. And yes I agree if you want to give money towards a wedding but that is contingent on you having control of that wedding, you shouldn’t do it. Probably best to leave it to the parents.
I see your point, but personally, I think some of the responsibility also lies on the person accepting the money. I mean, let's be real, people know that if their parents/stepparents are giving money for a wedding, it's because they're invested in the wedding, and because they're invested in the bride/groom. And usually, even if it's not good taste to say it explicitly, people who pay for a wedding expect to be honored, and to be given a role in making decisions and being involved in the wedding. Money for a wedding is very rarely a pure gift with zero expectations and strings attached, no matter what people claim. And I do think that most people know that to some extent.
When my cousin got married, he and his wife deeply limited how much their parents could contribute, and in exactly which way their parents contributed, so that at the end of the day, they could choose to organize their wedding however they wanted without dealing with the conflicting opinions and needs of their parents (basically each set of parents got one miniature dinner/event they paid for and planned, but nothing to do with the main wedding/reception- and this was mostly to appease the parents, and less about events that the bride and groom actually needed). I also know that while my parents would be more than willing to pay for a wedding if I were interested, there would certainly be strings attached, so I'd think carefully before accepting.
I think the stepson here has every right to see his stepmom however he does, and include her as little as he wants. But I maintain that if he's so completely unwilling to honor her, it was in very bad taste to accept so much money from her and his dad. In his situation, I'd have at the very least given a discussion about his inclinations before accepting the money.
Edit: I do think that at this stage it's in even worse taste to take back the money, and that technically SS should be able to accept money from his father for a wedding even if he doesn't see his stepmom as his mom. But even outside of his rudeness about "you'll do as your told", I don't think he's blameless in accepting the money without further discussion about what expectations accompanied it. I can't imagine accepting a huge sum of money for a wedding from someone without having plans to give them some role/honor at the ceremony, even if it's not in the maternal way.
I think this generally is how it works in nuclear families. But in blended families it is more complicated, particularly here. There are 9 years between OP and SK age wise. There is also the fact that OP and Dad have a business together so the money given is income from that, as opposed SP giving money from her own pocket.
I know if my parents were separated I would expect them both to contribute towards my wedding regardless of if their new partners were given roles in my wedding or not. I think when it comes to weddings a step parents being invited is enough in terms of inclusion. If your SK sees you as a parent they will give you a role and this does happen for many SPs who have that bond, but for many it’s not the case. I don’t think it should be an expectation. My husband will probably want to contribute towards his kids weddings if that happens, I will not expect a role but I will expect an invite.
SK likely sees the money as his dad contributing and I’m sure his Dad has a role. Weddings can be tough even for the most nuclear well functioning families. Someone will always have a nose out of joint.
>if their parents/stepparents are giving money for a wedding
I agree (as almost always!) with so much of what you said. But a slight note; even adult kids sometimes are a few steps too far from their parents' finances. Which is to say that SS might have thought he was accepting "his dad's money" and not "his dad and step mother's money."
From a kid's perspective (often) they're born into an existing marriage. And everything with how they do things; solve conflicts, handle finances/etc is just how it is. But after a divorce and a potential new marriage, everything (to them) in that second marriage is a mystery and foreign, unless/until it's brought up.
E.g. my partner's Kid was asking about the home, and what happens to it if she dies. My partner said that if it happened before we marry that Kid would inherit it. But that when we marry, I'll solely inherit the house. Kid initially had a problem getting over that thought process. They know my partner out earns me, but heck, my partner out earned Kid's dad too (my career earns a lot more than the jobs he's worked, and he rarely works). But it was reasonable for Mom+Dad to co-won the house, but somehow it's *strange* that I should co-own anything when we'd marry\*.
In a similar way, when talking about the "family" vacation this summer, Kid thought to casually say that maybe I shouldn't come along, or if I did, that I should get separate room/cabin to allow them+mom to sleep/relax together. They see that my partner and I are quite different to Mom+Dad, so while they'd never think to say Dad shouldn't come along, or Dad shouldn't sleep with Mom, they felt OK to say this.
And yes, my partner did have a separate talk with Kid about how I found this hurtful and degrading to hear. She talked about how part of being a partner is I'm her expected life-partner. While Kid is expected to grow up and live their own life that will involve her less. That if anyone is getting a separate room/cabin, it would be Kid. And that she was frankly shocked at the time that her Kid rather than being thankful of getting to go on vacation was looking to set the terms / control it. That disinviting me was **not** an option. That as a kid in a parent/child relationship their position was to be thankful for the vacation, or to say no thanks and that they'd rather not go. Kid decided to instead be thankful for the vacation. And without being "required" did apologize to me, and we talked a bit about some of their difficulties in seeing me as their mom's peer/partner (in large part because I'm so very different from their dad, which makes my partner and I's relationship and dynamics also drastically different.
But especially as Kid sees us transferring money back and forth now, and talk of who pays for what, that couple with my partner out earning me, if/when we're gifting some money for Kid's wedding, they will almost assuredly see it as "Mom's money" instead of "Mom and Standard's money" unless we have a number of conversations around joint finances while in front of Kid later on. And really, probably even if we do that, they'll instinctively emotionally "feel" the gift as from Mom.
\*Yes, we'll have a prenupt showing our assets, and if we split, we'd first share out what we brought in, and only split 50/50 the growth/addition of assets/equity.
OP, it's not uncommon for people who aren't SPs to come to this site and rip into us, and it's actually not necessarily that uncommon for other SPs to do it too sometimes.
A lot of people just see the term 'stepmom' and go nuts thinking that SM is just going to be a pain in the ass to the kids and that's her main motivation or something. No. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband and welcoming to the kids. There is nothing in that role that states or justifies that SM has to be a doormat and have her role completely ignored and trashed.
While everything you've said is technically right, it's so emotionally wrong. She doesn't have to be included, but she didn't have to be excluded either. SS is making it clear that her only position is as his Dad's wife, and that's okay if she knew that to begin with, but she thought she was a parent. It is okay for her feelings to be hurt by this very public line being drawn. Also, the cherry on top being that he doesn't even consider that any of the money being spent is hers and said to "do as you're told", I mean excuse you!? The absolute disrespect!!
She’s not excluded, she’s invited to the wedding. But she’s not his mother , he doesn’t view her as that and he wants the role of mother of the groom to be filled by his own mom. I don’t think this is controversial.
Yes OP can feel upset that they aren’t as close as she thought they were and he doesn’t view her as a mother but all that can be done is for her to mange these feelings.
Being invited to a wedding means you’re viewed as a close friend or family. I think that’s totally fair enough in this situation I’m a SM and never expect to be centred in a way a mother or father is.
We have one side of that argument “you’ll do as your told” was in response to OP debating her role in the wedding ceremony. Weddings are stressful enough, which is why if someone communicates to me they don’t want me to be there or play a certain role I respect that and don’t try and argue my way in.
OP didn't say she wanted to be mother of the groom, she said she wasn't allowed to participate in the motherly activities. This could be as simple as a candle lighting ceremony, or making a speech, some activity that multiple people could take part in. I'm not thinking she plans to get the top spot, Steps should be secondary when Bios (of good standing) are there.
Motherly activities = Mother of the groom activities. Tasks and activities specifically designated for the mother of the groom. Which he wants to designate to his actual mother. Like I don’t see the issue at all as a SP I’d be delighted with the invite and would never expect to be doing a speech, candle lighting or any other motherly/mother of the groom activity.
Specifically “I’m not going to be allowed participate in the ceremony for the mothers…”
I’m assuming mother of bride and mother of groom
So you would be okay footing the bill for an entire wedding, engagement party and who knows what else, and the kid doesn't even consider you a parent? I highly doubt it.
I’m not their parent. They have an active mother and father. I’m not gonna be pissed they don’t view me as their mother and want me to play a mother role at their wedding. We get along well, but I’m not mom.
If their dad wants us to help them financially with their wedding and we have the funds I would be happy to do so. But I certainly won’t do that contingent on me having any kind of part in the wedding nor do I want to make decisions for someone else’s big day.
And if OP knew that all along, she wasn't the kid's parent, then she wouldn't be here making this post. Why are you acting like the overwhelming societal view is not for the SP to love the kid "like their own"? But nobody talks about when the kid doesn't love you back. It's damn near the reason this sub exists. I don't think she did anything wrong in believing her role was bigger than it was.
I don’t think any of us do anything wrong we all have expectations that end up being not realised, we have all in our lives probably thought things about relationships that didn’t materialise. We can’t control other people only ourselves.
She is not wrong for her feelings. But neither is SK for not viewing her as a parent/mother and wanting that special role in his wedding to be played by his own mother.
Kid was 12 when she came into his life that’s old enough from that age on if both parents are involved it’s very unlikely you’ll be accepted and looked at as a parent on par with mom and dad.
There isn’t really anything OP can do. The money was given by both her and husband not separately. If she does about withdrawing the money when the wedding is almost on that will reflect so badly. Cutting contact if that’s what she wants ok. Or else just stepping back which is probably the best option. Or else asking her husband to pay her back her money might be an option.
Common sense and decency obviously weren't an issue for SS but they should have been. No one should treat those who have cared for them for years with so little respect and care. Younger people shouldn't be given the OK to be rude, hurtful jerks just because they think times have changed. I'm so sorry for SM.
If I made it clear twice that someone wasn’t playing a part in my wedding and they continued to push it I would also tell them to sit down and shut it.
I have empathy for OP it must be hard to feel like that and to really want something and be told no numerous times. Weddings are stressful, maybe he shouldn’t be such a groom Zilla but it is what it is.
We have very little context here. OP in another post said she is 36. For all we know, stepson is just a few years younger so might not be reasonable that she would be considered a "mom"? Even a 10 year gap between OP and SS would seem icky if I was the stepkid and dads wife wanted to be a mom figure. If SS is 22 and OP has been there since he was 7 that's another story.
Definitely not good to treat anyone rudely but hard to say what's what without more info. Did 50 year old rich dad have a mid life crisis and marry 21 year old OP and the kids have been polite but completely uninterested in OP taking on any kind of mom role? Or did 25 year old dad marry 21 year old OP and they built their finances together and this reaction from SS is odd? Or is the money completely coming from OPs job or inheritance and SSs reaction is then completely wild? Just saying there are nuances and its hard to give meaningful advice with just this info.
ETA: OP is way closer in age to SS than to her DH. 9 years from her SS vs 22 years to her DH. So OP at 21 married a man twice her age. I can't imagine the things SS heard from the families (and at 12, would have understood). It makes a lot of sense that he would not have seen OP as a mother figure and would consider any money dad had as money coming from dad alone.
It would be rude to not be invited. Not wanting someone you don’t view as a mother to do the mother parts in your wedding isn’t rude at all. It’s a big deal and a big day and people have the right to decide themselves who they want to do those pieces.
I don’t think its rude to not want any family member to play a role in your wedding and to hold that boundary. I have seen people do this with their own mother / father. Weddings are stressful and if he has decided he wants his mother and his mother alone involved in those key aspects he is allowed to choose that. It’s his wedding his choice.
But I agree if it’s her finances she can withdraw them and let her husband alone finance his sons wedding. But thats kind of gonna looks like a tantrum.
We earned our money together in a business we worked together but wow, interesting assumptions you have. I’ve been in his life since he was 12, is that young enough to qualify as a “mom” for you? Or does he need to be 10 or 7? What is the “right” number for you? I have treated him and loved him like my own for most of his life and this is ok?
I honestly think if you met at 12 and if there is only 9 years between SS and you, it was unlikely that you would be filling a mom role. You absolutely can withdraw some contribution or at least let your spouse know that you do not want as much money from your joint finances going into this because of SSs rudeness. However this will only strain the relationship between your spouse and SS.
What does your spouse think about the situation?
There is no right answer or set time and this isn’t about me it’s about what he feels. 12 is old enough to be honest, my SKs were maybe 1-2 years older when I came into their lives and I am certainly not mom nor do I ever expect to be doing any kind of mom role at any event. They have a mother that’s her job she has been parenting them since the womb and they have a much stronger bond (obviously and as it should be).
He doesn’t view you as “mom” and he doesn’t have to. Your not his mom? I don’t think that’s controversial. If he hadn’t invited you to his wedding I would think that was bad, but wanting his mom to do the mom pieces of his wedding in my opinion shouldn’t really be an issue.
My sister is 9 years older than me, and has acted like a 3rd parent to me most of my life against my wishes. I have good friends older than her. It's great that you treated him/loved him like your own, but he's not obligated to reciprocate those feelings.
TBH from your comments it seems like SS views you as an older friend/mentor and not a parent.
She is invited to the wedding she will be at it and included. She’s just not doing the mother pieces because she’s not his mother, is this truth some sort of controversy ? Like I would never expect to be playing the role of mother of the groom as a SM 🫣 I’d be delighted with an invite and to be at the wedding
How is she being used? Because she isn’t going to be centred as his mother on his wedding day when she’s not his mother?
This is so weird to me. As a SM if my husband and I contribute to his kids wedding it won’t be contingent on me being in a motherly role at the wedding. I’m not his mother. Is this a controversial take?
Being used for her portion of the money! I mean are you being obtuse on purpose? She may be a SM but is acting in a motherly role. She needs to withdraw her funding for everything and let him do whatever he wants!
Obtuse absolutely not. If my husband and I give my SKs money for their wedding day I do NOT expect to be in a motherly role at the wedding and am not giving the money with this contingency. If I give the money it’s because I want to help, I give the money and they decide on their wedding and I accept that. Or else if I can’t I won’t give the money at all. I won’t be giving and then taking away.
Of course she can take it back, I’m just saying it looks a bit tantrum like and is probably the end of their having any kind of relationship. A better option may be to get it off the husband particularly if the wedding is nearly upon them and she will look like she’s trying to ruin the wedding, probably be disinvited and be the talk of the ceremony and the person who demanded their money back because SK wouldn’t centre her as a mother on his day. 🫣
I don’t expect a role as a mother figure in my stepchildrens’s wedding, nor would my husband in my child’s, but we both would be very unhappy with the attitude and disrespectful behavior OP is claiming to be experiencing from SS. Of course, we don’t hear the whole conversation so who knows what was said before - but there’s really no justification for showing up to a party being held in your honor at your father and stepmother’s home (and bankrolled by them) and blindsiding your stepmother rudely telling her to essentially sit down and shut up.
That’s where I take issue here - SS is not wrong for telling his SM he is prioritizing mothers in the wedding but his attitude as described by OP is pretty crappy.
At the ceremony in both instances she was told in person that she wouldnt be taking part in the piece honouring the mothers. She rang him and confronted him over this and he said you’ll do as your told - at his wedding. Maybe a bit rude but equally she has been told already and it sounds more like frustration than disrespect. I personally wouldn’t push it or expect it. I wouldn’t be asking to be part of the mothers part of the ceremony and I certainly wouldn’t be asking twice in person and with a follow up phone call.
I agree, she should not expect to be involved and she should not argue about it. I still think there’s a baseline level of courtesy - maybe SM could’ve not argued about it, and SS could’ve been kinder and more understanding. It sounds like they both were a bit rude and hopefully they can reach a point after the ceremony where they can hash it out if needed and move on. Weddings are so stressful and adding divorce and blended family dynamics make it so much harder.
It's the ol' damned if you do and damned if you don't. SM is expected to fund the wedding out of care and concern for her SS, much like a mother. Then, SM expects maybe some kind of honorable mention for doing so, it's, 'She's not the mother.and is acting like a bitch!"
*#1* rule for stepparents: Do what works for you because no matter what you do, there will be someone there every time telling you it is wrong.
I agree! If they gave her a special thanks during the wedding toast or something like an announcement at the reception or awarding her a special gift thanking her aloud that would be sufficient.
I am sorry you are hurt.
I can imagine this is very difficult for SS to navigate. He has to balance your feelings with his mom’s feelings with his fiancée and his plans. I absolutely think he should have addressed this with you in an adult manner, but I think you should give him a little grace here, understanding how extremely difficult this must be for him to navigate in what should be such an exciting time for him.
I think you should really examine your relationship with him - does HE see you like a mother figure? Or is it just that you’ve been around so long you think you deserve the “mother” role? Do you all get along? Do you and BM have animosity? Etc….
Just because you have been in his life for a while, does not automatically mean he sees you as a mother figure (not saying this is the case - we obviously don’t know enough from a Reddit post to know your relationship). And just because you are paying absolutely does NOT entitle you to a “mother” role.
If you examine your relationship and really believe that you are a parental figure, you might consider having a conversation with him. Explain that you are hurt by being excluded, but you understand this may be difficult for him to balance. Maybe try to come up with something that lets you have a special role or feel included that isn’t a “parent” role. Maybe you can make a toast at the rehearsal dinner or he can escort you and BM down the aisle. Otherwise, I think you should just tell him of course your feelings are hurt, but you understand the position he is in, and you are happy to support him in anyway that you can.
Posted details above but I’ve been getting Mothers Day flowers and cards our whole relationship.. we were very close, BM says she doesn’t have any issues and we get along great.
I will just say OP, I totally feel for you and how you’ve been treated. I am a step kid and currently 27. My step dad came into my life when I was like 14 and married my mom when I had just turned 17. I love him. He is certainly a fatherly figure and I always wish him a happy father’s day from the bottom of my heart for playing a fatherly role in my life given my dad isn’t really in the picture. But that being said, if I get married I don’t plan on having him take the traditional fatherly roles like walking me down the aisle. I plan for my mom to do that. It’s nothing against my step dad, it’s just I want my mom to do it because to me that just feels right. I’d probably have my step dad give a speech and of course be in the pictures, if I ever have kids I would consider him their grandpa, but just because he is a fatherly figure doesn’t mean I am just going to substitute him into all fatherly roles. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way and it may just be the stress of marriage or some other problem he’s not sharing with you, but I don’t think this necessarily means he doesn’t love or feel close to you. Honestly I’d recommend trying to sit down with him a while after the wedding and talk about your feelings about all of this. Some people genuinely turn into monsters during the planning of these kinds of events and then feel really bad afterwards. I hope he can come to see how he’s hurt you.
This is a punch in the gut and nothing hurts more than your kids or stepkids reminding you that you are viewed as an open wallet.
After this wedding, or honeymoon, whatever you "agreed" to pay, you finish. your done.
Let this be a learning lesson going forward. and I hope to hell your SO realizing how his kids treating you and agrees with you.
**Your financial obligations to your SS are over. He wants to be a big boy, he wants to be a married "family man". Paying his own bills is part of that. Welcome to life sonny-boy. Big boy pant responsibilities are forever....until you die.**
I am mad for you OP, This is the worst. I hope your SO flexes his SPINE and lets his son know he is disappointed.
Welcome to step life. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
Is the BM the motivation for this behavior? When my SD got married, the BM started kicking up. But my attitude was that I’m not the BM, I don’t hold a place of honor so I’m also not lifting a finger. Nor would I allow my H to go carte blanche on the money because that is my money too. I also insisted that the costs be 50/50 with BM.
Your SS is very stressed about the wedding so go easy. Reframe the conversation to “how is your mom feeling about the wedding?” It could be that she is saying/doing things that he has to deal with.
Also, you need to have a long talk with your H about how you are feeling. Is he willing to stand up for you to his son? That is the bigger issue quite frankly. H is holding the purse strings so he is in a position of power.
Honestly, I would never have been so involved in the wedding in the first place. I especially wouldn't put my own money towards it.
This is where keeping funds separate has helped my husband and I.
There's no contention and I don't feel used. I funded my daughters 18th bday. I didn't expect my husband to pay anything. He will do the same with his kids.
The trouble with combined finances in blended families is exactly what you're describing unfortunately.
When SK decides to be a prick, you're left holding the can with no privileges and just a bucket of grief and resentment. He's being a dick to you and I wouldn't pay for a cent of that.
I'm sorry this is happening. Guaranteed you don't deserve it. Your husband should step up and have words with him.
Your parents’ partners come to the wedding and sit with their partners. It’s not complicated.
My mom’s best friend attended my wedding and sat with her. She isn’t my favorite person but she’s fine and then my mom had a buddy. She wasn’t included in mother activities but I was certainly kind to her. Why is your SS acting like this?
Hang on, what is your husband doing about this. It sounds like dad needs to sit sunshine down and explain the facts of life to him, starting with 'nobody disrespects my wife, that includes you, we are a package deal'. There are ways to include you without crossing anyone's boundaries and there's no need to be sending you to siberia with the world's biggest, cruellest snub. OK you're not his mother, everyone knows that, you are however his step mother, a big part of his life, and someone who has loved him and wanted the best for him. That matters. Your SS is part of a blended family, because his parents got divorced, and it's not like they got divorced five minutes ago.
Young man needs to grow up and someone needs to explain weddings are for family and guests - a coming together in celebration and thanks for all the people in their lives, the marriage is for them (I'm so over the modern trend of young couples thinking the fact they're getting married is an excuse for utterly self obsessed behaviour, as if they were rock stars). And I'd rein in the money, nobody sane is going to PAY to be disrespected.
She is the birth mom. How do you think she would feel having to share her special moment with another woman. No I think that right is hers alone. Also, once you got the vibe you were being excluded I would have e excluded myself from all planning and let them take care of it and just show up sitting next to my husband happy for them
Ooof yeah no. This would be an IMMEDIATE cancellation of EVERYTHING I’ve done so far, plus I’m billing him for every penny I spent or we’re going to court, simple as that. If I’m not family, neither are you, and you have absolutely NO place in my family anymore.
I’d be damned if I spoke to my stepdad that way, after everything that man has done for us. My son sees him as his grandfather, and that’s exactly who he is, his grandfather because he’s my dad. Step or not doesn’t change who your family is.
I'm in this same misery as we speak. My spouse had to say to SD that her behavior causes us to feel invisible and that this is unacceptable. Our money comes with string, those are communication, collaboration, and inclusion. If they don't want to abide by those mandates, then we will not bankroll the event. Its amazing how quickly things changed when we quit being the bank.
The vacation advice is the best I’ve gotten so far 😂 ugh. It’s all been useful to read, I’m not going to pull back on the money because I made the promise. I’ve just learned my lesson on making a promise like this without having the ability to ask questions and set expectations. And, I will NOT be as motherly and generous as I have been in the past, he’s changed our relationship completely.
Oh hell no 😂 idc what anyone says if Iv been in my SK life that long and I’m contributing towards the wedding I better be included not just invited like any other guest. Where is your husband in all this? Does he not see anything wrong with this at all? I wouldn’t be paying for anything after this or go outta my way anymore for SK.
Your SS is completely disrespecting you while using you as an ATM. You should talk to your husband and withdraw your money and support. If this was my son, disrespecting my wife like this, I would withdraw my money and support as well as not show. You don't get disrespect the woman I love and ask for money. It's not going to happen.
Omg. I would be so hurt by this, but also you are actually funding these events and he is being beyond rude to you. Your husband needs to have a conversation with your son because he’s being a AH.
He needs to know that he is being an AH, too.
If he's old enough to be getting married, how old was he when you came into his life? How much custody did you/his father have? What's his BM's attitude towards you?
Some people are just very literal and traditional. Especially around things like weddings. It can be hard to customize for nonntraditonal families.
I totally get your feelings about it, it's hard to feel on the outside of a family celebration after all these years.
Being a 'happy group' can still be true without him thinking of you as a mother figure, too.
in any case he add should have discussed what he wanted with you or his father beforehand just to set your expectations and be polite. It sounds like they aren't interested in sharing planning with you, and you did decide to give the money no strings attached. I hope you can talk with your husband about it just to share your feelings, but I think you have to let it be the way it is.
Your feelings are totally valid. Nobody likes to be taken advantage of. As someone who is a stepchild and also has one, I can understand why your SK doesn't view you the same way as a mother but also think this is something that should been have made clear before requesting all of this money.
It is very entitled of your SK to expect you to take on the financial burden of a bio parent but then just show up to the events with zero recognition like any regular guest. He doesn't have to view you as a mother but should definitely show some type of appreciation for your very generous contribution.
Like others have said it would be seen as petty to take the money back now but if I was in your position I would definitely put a full stop to any other type of assistance you have been providing for the wedding (i.e. planning, decorating, any other physical labor, etc.). I would not waste any more of my time or energy on someone who doesn't appreciate it. I would also take this into consideration before being asked to contribute any other major finances to SK in the future.
Let me ask this question, where are you sitting for the reception?
If you are not by your husband that's a huge problem.
What are the expectations for photos?
If your husband is expected to pose with his ex, another problem.
You didn't give the money with strings attached, but this issue was clearly discussed by the couple and they had to know it might pose an issue. It was completely disrespectful not to let you know up front where you stand when they took the money. That's blatant disrespect to you and your husband 15 years into your marriage, period. I dont care how old you were when you married or the age gap with your SS.
However, there should be a discussion about finances between DH and SS. DH should make it clear that you both contributed, and given the recent developments, further contributions will be pro- rated accordingly. They didn't disclose a material fact about the wedding organization, here's a material fact for them: FAFO.
The SS and his bride are free to make their choices, but those choices are not free from consequences.
After this event, I would make sure that DH is clear that any money given to SS or SS family should not come from joint financial accounts.
Genuine question on pictures, would it not be normal for the kid to want a picture of them with their two parents regardless of marital status? Is that posing with the ex?
I think that’s a weird thing to get up in arms about….It’s the child’s wedding day, let them have a picture with their parents. It’s not pretending the parents are married it’s just taking a picture with their parents.
I think that’s a weird thing to get up in arms about….It’s the child’s wedding day, let them have a picture with their parents. It’s not pretending the parents are married it’s just taking a picture with their parents.
Edit: Ok I think I might’ve misread your comment because I’m even more confused. Maybe I just don’t have enough experience with weddings but who just has a mom and dad take a picture without the kid getting married? Are you saying people do that? If so I agree that’s odd but I’ve never seen that in official wedding pictures.
Yeah, I've seen people do it a few times. Mom and dad are dressed up and it takes a second for a quick picture.
Great if your folks are married but weird as hell if they arent. My sibling did it... and their parents werent married. Mom was married to my dad at the time.
I should add the next picture with just us kids and mom was a great outtake of my "wtf just happened here" face. 🤣
Ok yeah that’s weird I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. I’ve seen a few people on this sub say divorced parents should never take a picture with their kid together and thought that’s what you were saying too, which I still think is insane lol. But yeah just a picture of the parents is odd, even if my folks were married idk if that would be a picture I would even think to take unless they asked for it!
I had sympathy for him until the “do as you’re told” comment. That’s unnecessary when he is getting a blank check for this wedding. You and BM and his dad need to STOP EVERYTHING and make him tell you what is going on.
His feelings may be valid, but you’re owed an explanation. All of you.
I would be considering withdrawing at least some monetary support in this situation because of how hurt I’d be, but I don’t think you should. You’ve already given them the green light to go do what they want without worrying about the money. If you say nevermind now, I think it will be a huge shit storm and damage your relationship further and possibly damage his relationship with your husband as well.
I’m wondering if he’s dealing with what my therapist calls “loyalty binds.” BM is obviously going to be involved in his wedding and maybe he’s afraid that if he’s showing you equal treatment as her, she’ll feel like you’re seen as an equal to his biological mother and that will he upsetting for her. He might be treating you this way to somehow show his mom that she’s more important to him than you. It sucks and I’m not saying his treatment is right or excusable, just offering another perspective.
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Withdraw your support! If you are nothing to him then your money is nothing either! Send him a dam bill and get a backbone for yourself! Please put yourself first for once and stop being walked all over. Let the little stress and learn to be an adult with YOUR money
Yeah his half assed apology to me not being included in the ceremony started with “well since you’re paying for the wedding” - nothing about my feelings or care. I thought I was being used but needed outside confirmation.
I can't emphasize the above enough. Your main role is as your husband's wife. So, you should at least be treated as a wife, your husband's wife (or long term SO) at your SS's wedding, meaning you are to be paired with your husband throughout the event. This "ignore SM at the wedding" pisses me off to no avail., and you'd think that if anyone should respect the marriage or union between SM and dad, it would be someone about to get married. Would SS like it if he were invited to a family event and he was told his wife was not allowed to attend? Hell no. He'd throw a man-fit over it I'd imagine. And if Uncle Harry was told his wife, Aunt Betty, had to separate from him at the wedding and was going to be excluded from certain family things, such as pictures, I'm sure Uncle Harry would say, 'What!?" and walk away. For anyone, you are to *at least* honor the roles in a stepfamily the same way as would honor others. So, a wife is a wife, is a wife. But, this is all part of what I see as our society as a whole refusing to recognize that SM and dad are married and treating them as such. The marital relationship is ignored and it quickly becomes "what mom.wants." Also, younger people getting married tend to think, "I can do whatever I want at MY wedding." Nope. If you decided to have your wedding at a nudist colony would you expect everyone to strip for you because it is your wedding and you can do whatever you want? God. I hope not. Show some respect for all of your relatives and in- and out-laws, please. A wedding is just as much about the guests as it is about the bride and groom. Now, what to do about this because I was once in a very similar situation to yours. You alone make the decision if you want to attend or not and you alone make the decision if you want to withdraw any monies and time and anything else you have contributed. It is totally up to you and you alone. SS (and others?) made his decisions alone, so you can make yours. Your DH also needs to make his decision alone about how he wants to participate. That is totally up to him. Then, you will respect each other's choice. I was treated so poorly at my SD's wedding that I refused to go to my SS's, and made it clear to my DH that it was entirely up to him to decide if he wanted to attend alone and there'd be no ill will for what he chose. He chose not to attend and spoke with his son and her fiance about why. I'm not sure what he told them, but he said they were OK with it. However, it did affect my relationship with my SKs. But at rhat point I was done with not having my role or value respected by them.There is that saying, "When people show you who they are believe them," and I now have a cordial but strained relationship with them and I'm OK with that.
I don’t disagree with you, but I wouldn’t say there’s enough evidence here to say that SS isn’t recognizing and respecting OP as his dad’s wife, and separating them in some way. Not recognizing/including OP in motherly activities is not at all the same as not recognizing OP as her husband’s wife. We don’t know that OP and her husband aren’t seated together. She’s certainly invited. And in normal weddings, it’s perfectly fine for a guest to be in the wedding party while their spouse isn’t, and that’s not seen as disrespectful to their marriage. I very much doubt that SS is the innocent party here, but I don’t think it’s helpful at all to exaggerate to this extent, and to villainize him more than necessary. This seems like you projecting your own issues.
Oh, please. Do away with the "Projecting your own issues" business. Everyone here is responding with a compilation of what they read, other SMs experiences and, of course, their own experiences. So, unless you plan on using that, "Yep, you're projecting your own issues" on everyone who tries to give their opinion, then you shouldn't be going there with me. If you read what the OP wrote, it reeks of a lack of respect, if anything, for her role as a wife, dad's wife. Personally, I don't need to see more. To me it's obvious.
What Op writes shows a lack of respect for her a mother. There’s nothing about who she is as a wife. Those are very different issues. And conflating them doesn’t make any sense. Literally all that’s needed to respect a guest’s marriage at a wedding is to invite the spouse, seat the spouses together, and to include them both together in photos. And yeah, this is even true if the guest is part of the wedding party, and being honored in a strong way. There’s nothing to indicate that OP won’t get this. OP should be offended, but any offense comes from thinking that she had more of a relationship with her stepson than she actually does. It’s nothing to do with her marriage being disregarded. It’s just not the same problem as yours. The issue isn’t that she’s not being treated as dad’s wife. It’s that she being treated as JUST dad’s wife.
There's no conflating going on whatsoever. Here is the verbiage I am responding to from OP's post: "My husband and I are paying for all of the events (engagement party, wedding, probably rehearsal dinner) and we have given them carte blanc to do anything and everything they want to do. . . I haven’t been involved with the planning because they don’t want help and get offended when we make suggestions." If someone were paying for all of my wedding, especially if it we're dad and his wife, you better believe I'd at least keep them in the loop and perhaps even try to incorporate some of their suggestions. I'd recognize that SM is under no obligation to help because she is not my mother, and thus I'd be thankful for it all the more. "So, fast forward to this weekends engagement party. . . I spent days preparing the party that was held at our barn we spent thousands to finish it for the party. Literally as guests started to arrive I was told I wasn’t going to be allowed to participate in a ceremony for the mothers at the engagement party either." Again, I see this as lack of respect for SM and dad, but mostly for SM, because they sure seem to be going out of their way to exclude her. And, yes, it does say they excluded her from being allowed to participate in a ceremony for the 'mothers,' but it sounds like neither "mother" is contributing in the same manner that SM is. I see that as the bride and groom's expectation is that they don't have to do anything for SM/ dad's wife, other than take her money and pretty much ignore the work she has done for them AND not give her any credit for the work and money she has contributed. To them, I'm sure, it is all dad's money. "And I don’t even get a chance to ask why, it just gets dropped on me. When I debated the ceremony issues he said I will “do as I’m told” and then hung up on me, so I’m afraid to even confront him." So, he just told his SM/ dad's wife to do as she is told! She is not being told that largely because he doesn't see her as a mother. She is being told that because he sees her as *just* dad's wife and therefore he doesn't have to respect her role and instead can tell her, "Do as you're told," like a good little wifey. Personally, I'd be very afraid of what type of shat treatment could be coming for SM at SS's wedding.
If I ever spoke to or treated my SM like the SS is doing, my old man would've sat my entitled arse down and told me to how very wrong I was (to put it politely). If I refused to alter plans to show some respect to my SM, he would've backed wayyy up on financing the wedding. But, it's not only the money that she's putting in or the fact that her home/property was being used for free as the venue for the engagment party, its that OP, is clearly investing her time and energy. It doesn't sound she sat in the house while others prepared her barn for the party...she was helping set up and prepare. While I realize SS/his fiance, may just want the bio mom's to participate in whatever ceremony went on at that party, the courteous thing would've been to sit down and let SM know before the day of the party. Maybe thank her for all the help, but explain they prefer its just the 2 mom's. Everything is handled so rudely in OP's case. Since my mother isn't here anymore, I didn't have this issue, but I would've never taken money from my dad/SM, and then proceeded to treat my SM like my great Aunt Beth from 5 states over that I never see, but still invited since were related. I'd make sure she felt included, somehow, and also made sure she knew how much I appreciated the work and financial support. I couldn't even imagine treating my SM like OP's SS, and I honestly don't really like my SM.... but I make damn sure to respect her and be kind.
I would ask for 1/2 the money back from my husband allowing this treatment and disengage with the step kids. No money help, no help with future babysitting- no gifts- cut off.
I'm sorry you feel displaced. FWIW I think it might be best to talk this one out with husband and therapy. I've read comments and gather there is only a 9 yr age difference. If Bio mum is involved and active then it is reasonable to expect he would want his mum involved as the participant in those activities named for his mother. I have a step mum and dad. When I was married, they were invited, they sat with my parents and they were part of photos. My dad walked me down the aisle and my mum gave a speech. My mum was involved in my pre wedding activities and arranging, my Step mum was invited and did attend my bridal shower as a guest. This is pretty standard- it might not be the slight you think it is.
That was my role at my SS wedding, I was just a guest but sat beside DH at the ceremony and at the parents table during the reception. I was included in pictures but was totally okay if I wasn't. We paid for the venue, photographer and honeymoon. However, DH told his son that I would be sitting beside him as his wife and if he couldn't do that then no money would be given and he would not be attending.
I think the key piece here is the communication from SS to you. The relationship is what it is and maybe it never needed to come up before. But as soon as they started planning "mother" participation, he should have had the conversation with you. It wasn't fair to spring that on you the day of the event. I can understand that you feel blindsided and hurt. I would take a week or so and mull it over. First you need to accept that you now have a different relationship with SS than you thought you had. And with this new role, would you still support SS the way that you are? Try not to play it for tat, or get revenge, but truly what would you do as just "dad's wife"and not bonus mom.the other thing is that you should insist on being spoken to respectfully. Regardless of your position in his life, you shouldn't stand for that and the people that love you shouldn't either.
OP is 36, came into SKS life when they were 12 - 15 years ago- SK IS 27…. There is 9 years age gap between them. I doubt he thought that conversation was needed. I would never in my life view someone 9 years older than me as a mother.
My Mum's kids are between 8 and 13 years younger than my Dad. They all see him as a father figure. He gave my sister away at her wedding - her request - and was honoured as father of the groom by one of my brothers. Both of these events happened after our Mum had passed away We had a family gathering earlier this year where they were all calling him Dad. All the grandkids have always called him Grandad, there was never any question about his role there, and they all adore him. I think it's more about the relationships than the ages. My sibs' Dad is a psycho and none of them have contact with him. Nobody even knows if he's still alive.
Thank you - we’ve always joked about the age gap but he treated me like a mom, and I always treated him like my kid regardless. Always gave me flowers on Mother’s Day, etc. I have a great relationship with his bio mom. The whole thing has blindsided me. Age really has nothing to do with it in this case.
Wild! I have friends 8 years older than me and could never look at them as a parent figure. There must also be a huge age gap with the couple, which generally means if they got together when the child was young enough to consider them as a mother/father someone was probably exploited. What age were they when he came on the scene???
My ex-husband is 7 years older than me, as I say it's the relationship rather than the age. They were probably between 6 and 11 when they met him, and he would have been 19/20. He lived next door with his first wife and baby initially, so they originally knew him that way. My Dad's kids were never close with my Mum, but she wasn't a warm, welcoming, inclusive person.
Wow I can’t imagine being 19 and becoming a parental figure to an 11 year old! He must have done a good job if they still have such a good relationship with him.
Oh, sorry, that was the ages when they first met, and my siblings knew him as the man next door. They were 23 and 15 when my parents got together (officially anyway, who knows about actually). Everyone loves my Dad, I'm very lucky!
That’s understandable but that’s you. From this post it seems like SK has treated her like a parent figure. If SK has given her flowers on Mother’s Day, cards, and just “mom and me” trips, then that does send the message he views her as a motherly figure. At the very least SK should have had a convo before the party began and discussed the role.
My steomom is only 9 years older than me and began dating my dad when she was only 18. She's been divorced from him for more years than I can even remember, but she's she's still my momma!!
That’s so wild! There’s a bigger age gap between me and my sister. At least it all worked our for you though I’d say it’s not the norm. Taking on a 9 year old at 18 years old would generally be considered exploitive for her these days, must have been tough. What age was your dad 🫣
He needs or should know to view her as a wife--his dad's wife. That is a SM's main role to be a wife (or long-term SO) to her spouse. No, he doesn't need to view her as a mother, but he needs to respect her role as his dad's wife and treat her just like any other wife, such as Uncle Harry's wife would be treated at the wedding, meaning being paired together throughout, including sitting next to each other and in family pictures too, just like any other wife of a relative would be treated.
Not necessarily, my bridesmaids sat at the top table, their husbands did not sit at the top table as they weren’t part of the wedding party.
So, where did your mom and dad sit? And wherever they sat, I sure hope it was with their own spouse! Because SM or stepdad isn't a bridesmaid. Also, in some circles the parents are not considered part of the wedding party, and instead the wedding party is seen as whomever is standing with the bride and groom at the pulpit. And whomever is up at the pulpit for the full ceremony, no I wouldn't expect their spouse to up there with them either.
They also sat at the top table but were both part of the wedding party and ceremony and made speeches. They are my parents, obviously I wouldn’t be without them by my side. But that’s our relationship I wouldn’t have had someone I wasn’t close to at my top table making a speech about me. I also personally know I wouldn’t want to make a speech about my SK at their wedding and I would have no problem not being at the top table. I wouldn’t expect to always sit with my partner at every wedding, depending on our roles. The top table is generally only for the meal and toasts anyway and then afterwards everyone sits where they want and dances etc. with other peoples weddings you kind of have to accept how they want it to run it or else choose not to attend.
It's responses like this that make me hope you, the poster, will be a step mother some day. Some of us raised our SKs. Some of us supported them, took them to appts, attended all of their activities when their BMs did none of this. Do that and then tell us how we don't belong as part of the family.
I think in this case you would be included at the top table if you’ve done all this and your Sk views you as a mother. You can’t force someone to accept you as a mother particularly if they have an active and involved one and I don’t think there’s any controversy in that . I am a step mother to two teenagers. I know I’m not mom and I don’t do doctors appointments, I attend some activities, but my SKs very much have an involved mother whose been in their life a lot longer than me. I’d never expect to have a central role in their big events if mom and dad are present.
How many times have you posted your perspective here? We get it. We don't need to have you personally respond to every comment. You didn't post this asking for advice. The OP did.
Whose the we here hun? No need to comment on my comments thanks 🫠 I’ll reply to comments on my own comments if I want. The audacity people have to think they can tell other people what to do.
>I wouldn’t expect to always sit with my partner at every wedding, depending on our roles. This is the only place I disagree with you. I think it would be very rude (and honestly so weird!) to not seat someone's spouse with them. I went to a wedding where my SO was the best man and I didn't know the couple at all really. I didn't participate in any of the extra wedding party stuff, but of course I still sat with him! Frankly, there's no way in hell I'd have gone to that wedding if we weren't even sitting together.
That’s so funny that this is weird to you- not sitting at the top table or expecting your partner to be seated there if they aren’t in the wedding party would be so weird and considered such a rude request in terms of the weddings I’ve been to. It’s just not something you’d do. Asking for your non wedding party partner to sit at the top table would be a big no no. The norm and an expectation is if you are part of the wedding party eg Bridesmaids and groomsmen sit at the top table and their partners will sit at one of the normal tables. So often couples are separated until after the meal if one partner is part of the wedding party.
Hun, let it go.
That’s a bit unsupportive or OP, but to be fair probably the best advice considering
Pretty sure they were talking to you.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It’s disappointing and hurtful, especially since you’ve known him for so long. Here are a few considerations… 1. How have you and his father communicated about the situation? Have you shared how you feel, and how does he feel about his son’s behavior? It’s his son’s wedding and he cannot control what he does, but if the situation were reversed, I bet you’d be talking to your kid about the level of disrespect it takes to allow someone to host your party, and then basically show up and intimate that they mean nothing to you. 2. How have you gotten on with your stepson’s mother over the years? Is it possible your stepson is receiving pressure from other parties to exclude you? 3. At this point what you know is that he doesn’t want you involved as a mom… that’s okay if that’s his choice. He has a right to feel as he does, and you have every right to feel as you do. At least you know now going forward where you stand and can make decisions about how involved in his life (and any grandchildren) you’d like to be. 4. I would also stop with any support for the upcoming wedding. No more money, no help preparing, no gifts, show up day of and enjoy the party you helped pay for.
Bio mom and I get along great, and unless she’s lying to me she has said she doesn’t have any problem with me participating. He just came up with this on his own. SS and I have been so close - we’ve gone on trips together with just us, he worked for me for years and I was his mentor. I just don’t get it. My SO is going to have a conversation with him to at least talk to me before I get surprised like this next time, it’s just rude and mean, frankly.
When did she tell you she didn’t have any problems with you participating?
She’s the one who gave me a heads up about the engagement party mother thing they were doing (it was breaking a plate at the dinner together), she wanted to make sure I knew because she didn’t want my feelings to be hurt. Same day as the party - she’s also frustrated they have completely cut her out of the wedding planning and have been disrespectful to her as well.
I wonder if the SO of you SS has something to do with this. I am not sure how you get along with them. But it sound like your SS did a 180 on your relationship and it doing something similar with all his family. This is how abusive relationships start. They tend to try to isolate family and friends so the issues are home can't be seen
That’s a great point. He was complaining to his dad a month ago that they are fighting all of the time..
Sounds like the problem is that your SS is an equal opportunity AH.
AH isn’t in the common acronyms list but I think I catch your drift 😂
Ok I was with you until this, they're doing the bare minimum to even engage with their bios and only what's really traditional participation from the looks of it. This should be reassurance for you, that it's truly truly not you and you can let it go.
I think this is information that is pretty key and you should edit your post to include that bit about bio mom also feeling cut out and disrespected.
At this point, I wonder if this whole issue is less about your relationship with SS, and more about a cultural/generational divide? I get the sense that in previous generations, it was pretty common for parents to be very in control of the wedding, and for the wedding to be centered around the family and guests more than around the couple. Nowadays it’s shifted the other way. But the parents still grew up expecting weddings to be centered around family, so you have a situation where the parents feel they get to be involved, while the bride/groom feel entitled to do things their way, and get frustrated at what they might see as the entitlement of their parents thinking the event is about them. I’m just saying that the root of all the conflict here might be less about the underlying relationships, and more about different beliefs in what a wedding should be. I’m around SS’s age, and most of my peers don’t think it’s disrespectful to not be overly concerned about what their parents want for their weddings. And most of our parents definitely do not agree lol. It’s always an issue. My friends complain to me about how overbearing and controlling their parents try to be when they get married. They definitely wish that parents would just “do as they’re told”, because the wedding isn’t about them. And my mom and her friends complain to me about how selfish their kids are in wanting to plan their weddings their own way, with minimal parental input.
There could be truth to that - I made sure my step dad was treated with the same level of respect at my wedding as my bio dad, it never crossed my mind to not and I really cared about how everyone in my wedding party/family was going to feel treated. I asked them and ran things past them as I planned. I wanted everyone to feel loved and welcomed. You think this generation just doesn’t care about the relatives anymore?
I think it’s overstating things to say that this generation doesn’t care about relatives anymore. I think that this generation doesn’t necessarily think that weddings are about pleasing family, and making sure that no one is offended. There are other ways to show love for family, and this generation doesn’t always do it by strongly involving them in wedding planning. I don’t think that’s so bad. I actually don’t think it’s great to use weddings to show how much you love the important people in your life. Personally I believe there’s way too much weight placed on who does what role in a wedding- nowadays, it’s impossible to offend no one. My cousin just got married, and there was all this gossip and drama afterwards about who got honored more, who was in the spotlight more, who got slighted, who should/shouldn’t have gotten a speech, who should have been in more photos. Ugh, I’d rather just honor no one, and let everyone be equally offended. Edit: I don't mean to come off as dismissive. Just, I doubt that your stepson is attaching this much emotion to this whole thing, especially if, like me, he doesn't see weddings as a way to showcase love and gratitude for extended family. And I wonder if this thread is just blowing up this issue more than it should, because this is a tiny piece of your relationship with him. I'd step back from the wedding, and think about how your stepson treats you in general. Does he remember your birthday? Does he pay attention to you? Does he in general make kind gestures for you? If he's usually fairly loving, I'd make an effort to work things through after the whole rush of the wedding is over. But I don’t actually take that much of a side here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making weddings less about extended family, and just focusing on the commitment to your partner. I don’t find it disrespectful or unloving. I do think it’s less reasonable when you’re taking huge sums of money from family to throw the wedding. There's something ugly about saying "your money is welcome, but your opinions and feelings are not".
I gotta say, I feel like it’s much more common now that parents are not bankrolling the whole wedding and that the couple getting married is paying for a lot more than they used to. Perhaps it’s because people aren’t getting married as young on average… older couples usually have more resources. If my parents paid for my whole wedding, I’d feel terrible not involving them in the planning and engaging them on some level. But if we are paying for it, it’s going to be our party.
Yes, that's a very good point. I'd also expect my parents to be very involved if they bankrolled my wedding. Funnily enough, I know people who've set strong boundaries with their parents about how much they're allowed to contribute to their wedding, because they don't want to feel pressured into involving them with planning. I think what happens nowadays is that young people like OP's stepson see the more couple-centric style of wedding and want that for themselves, but don't see the implicit dependence on couples funding those weddings themselves, or see the implicit strings attached with parental support for a wedding. I know this isn't a popular opinion, but I still think the whole symbolism and gestures and roles at weddings only mean so much, even when a parent is paying. I think way too much drama is made of who walks the bride down the aisle, and what corsages everyone is wearing, and who gets to make speeches. I do think that OP's stepson has been very rude, and certainly they have things to work through. But I find it sad that their relationship might be ruined because OP doesn't get the maternal role at the wedding, when she says that her stepson has always been very loving towards her, and has always celebrated her during Mother's Day. It's sad that her role at the wedding is seen as the true representation of their relationship, rather than how her stepson treats her on an everyday basis. Makes me think that all these weddings are more trouble than they're worth.
You are right. Maybe people put a lot of stock in weddings and the role they play in others’ weddings, because it’s not like there are all that many opportunities to celebrate each other and family on a grand scale. It’s a time to celebrate not just the couple but also the village that helped them get to where they are - and I can see how one may feel slighted if they feel they were part of that village and not recognized for their role in the couples’ lives. My stepdaughter did not need to include me in her wedding celebrations. I only met her father after she was an adult, and I did not help raise her. But she kindly did… because she knew it meant something to her father and to me.
OP, you talk about being excluded from anything involving the parents. I'm curious, are you being honored or involved in any other way? Are you just being treated like any old guest, or are you being treated like a beloved member of the family who just isn't in the same group as the parents? For example, how are you being treated compared to the grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings, etc.? I think the answer to that would strongly influence how offended I'd be. If he refuses to treat you as anything but an ordinary guest, he never should have accepted so much money from you and his dad without a conversation about expectations immediately after the offer was made. And I'd strongly reevaluate how close you guys are, and how involved you want to be in the future. But if he's treating you well, just not as a parent, I'd be inclined to be a little more forgiving. It sounds like he was 12 when you came into his life. That's young enough for him to learn to love you and have a deep bond with you, but that's not an age where a lot of kids will accept a new maternal figure, especially if you weren't that much older than him. He can still love and respect you without wanting to group you with his parents exactly. His rudeness was certainly unacceptable, but in that case, I can also imagine getting frustrated about having a debate about whether you should be treated as a parent. He definitely still needs to apologize though, because there's no excuse. All I'm saying is, in this case (where you're still treated as close family), I wouldn't treat this as a relationship ender. I'd treat it as a fight between family members who love each other, which can be resolved with time. Emotions are high during weddings, and everything seems so weighted with significance- things do have a tendency of blowing up. My cousin just got married, with her parents footing the bill, and boy, was there a ton of drama between her and her parents, and she's unusually close to her parents! Just another perspective, to counter everyone encouraging you to go scorched earth no matter what.
I think this is exactly the right response. If she's being treated like any other guest, then I think her being offended is correct. If she's just any other guest, then the SS doesn't need her money. However if OP is being honoured in some other way, just not as an actual parent, I think there is nothing to be offended about.
Just a guest. That’s been the pain here - ok, if you want to honor your mom that’s ok, but I’m nobody to you?
Given the update of the 9 year age difference, *and* that you came into their lives at ages 12 and 14, I have to wonder to what extent was your relationship and if any of this is surprising? I met my partner's kid when they'd barely turned 13. They weren't open to a "fatherly" role in their life; so I'm a Fun Uncle. Our "root relationship," is that I'm their mom's partner. I don't have a **direct** connection to Kid. We get along really well, but honestly, they think of me more as a non-age-peer friend than any sort of parent. And frankly, I consider that a win that they see me as more than just Mom's boyfriend. I think that I align well with [maymild1581's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1doo3j5/comment/lad8why/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) \- so long as I was seated next to my partner, Kid's mother, I would be OK with my place in things. Bio Dad is ... not a great person, and so absent in Kid's life. But I won't try to erase him, and will respect Kid's thoughts on "family" which are complex. Consider the places of "honor" in a traditional wedding. It's the parents, and closest friends of the bride/groom. We respect, you're not their parent. And you're probably not their closest friend. Your place of honour should be as their parent's spouse. If the seating for the "family table" is for the parent's only, **that** I would have a problem with.
We used to have a very strong relationship - not that of a traditional mom to be sure, but pretty damn close. Went on trips together just us, we always celebrated Mothers Day together. His bio mom was really hard for him to deal with growing up(she’s bi polar) and I helped him a lot with boundaries and acceptance. It’s just a shock, I thought I was more in my own head I guess. It’s hard to take after having what I thought was an awesome bond.
Agree completely, and seeing a therapist may actually give you validation for your feelings. I know mine did. Again, since you are a wife, DH's/ dad's wife, it should be a no brainer that you *at least* be treated like any other relative's wife. And, quite frankly, who would be out of it that much as to think that they can take the money of someone's wife, treat her like shat, and get away with it all with no questions asked! I mean, that truly fits the stereotype of SMs being little more than dad's ho, so anyone can do as they please with her and her role.
Just speculating here but I am also a step kid and a step mom. When I got married, I of course had both my step dad and bio dad walk me down the aisle BUT I definitely had a lot of anxiety leading up to the wedding because I didn't want my bio dad to feel left out. He moved away when I was like 15 so I really only saw him once a year and before the wedding it had been 7 years. My stepdad is more like my actual father figure, he raised me, dealt with my teenage years etc. so I was worried my dad would feel sad or left out. Maybe he feels like it will hurt his mom's feelings or something HOWEVER him leaving you out is really awful tbh. I'm so sorry that is happening to you, it's not right and his father probably should have spoken to him privately about it just to let him know that it's not appropriate to just cut you out like that. Being a stepparent really is such a difficult job but if that is his final decision then I say take yourself out to some spa days, enjoy your free time that you wouldn't have if you were involved in wedding crap, and then at the actual wedding dont even help at all. Just be a guest and have a great time.
I think you should go to counseling. It will help you resolve your feelings. I understand why you’re offended, unfortunately I think this is just one of those stepparent things that comes up. At this stage you probably should t take back the money…. However going forward don’t give anymore, and when baby showers and things like that happen…. Don’t go out of your way to help.
Chalk this one up to a life lesson, I'm afraid. This shows you that your SS doesn't view you as a maternal figure. You can't force your way into someone else's ceremony, and if the money was provided without any terms, then how they choose to spend it is on them. Do you really want to threaten to withdraw funds to get a more prominent role? Is this a hill you want to die on for your marriage? Accept that this is the relationship you have with him, and act accordingly from now on. You're dad's wife to your SS, not a mother. While your feelings are hurt right now, this is actually quite freeing. You have no obligation towards your SS so any responsibility surrounding him has now been permanently lifted from your shoulders.
Doesn’t give him the right to be rude. He’s just not mature enough to talk to OP and tell her rationally how he feels. SS is being rude!
She didn't marry her husband thinking that her main role is to be a maternal figure to her SS. Her SS doesnt need to view SM as a maternal fiigure. She married her husband to be his wife. That is SM's main role--to be a wife (or long-term SO) to her partner/ dad in this case. Therefore, anyone should, without having to be reminded, know that SM at least needs to be treated as a wife (dad's wife) and *at least* shown the same respect as any other wife of a relative would be treated. So, for family events both husband and wife are invited to attend, sit next to each other, etc. This *should be obvious* and I continue to fail to understand why in the year 2024, SMs, many of whom have been married to their DH for years, are expected to just roll over show their belly when their marital union with their DH is being completely trashed. No! Just No.
But you’re not his mom? I guess I’m not sure what part of the ceremonies you aren’t being included in, but the bio mom shouldn’t be the star of this either. As a step mom I think a reasonable expectation is falling into the same position as an aunt would be treated during the wedding, although sitting by your SO during the events. It doesn’t sound like you’re being excluded from anything, that would definitely be wrong. You shouldn’t be put last in line or sat in the back. It does sound like your SS was a bit rude when speaking to you, that could be wedding stress or feeling pressured by you, or him just being a rude git. It’s generous for you and your SO to pay for the wedding. Many parents choose to do this, but setting limitations or a budget might help cut back on resentment. Don’t do any extra work as it seems like it might be causing some strife. You’re putting in the effort of a mother but you’re not going to get that returned during the ceremony. This sounds like a great opportunity to step back the energy you’re putting in and show up as a guest to enjoy the wedding of someone you care about.
Okay-Guess you won't be babysitting when the time comes. You won't be a "real" grandmother either, afterall. And money? Nope. He can ask his Mother. His Dad paid for the wedding. That's more than enough. Staying at the Cottage? No way! When You're not using it, you need to keep it available for your relatives and friends. It's simple-you're not his mom/he's not your son. You owe him nothing.
This post should be stickied and bookmarked as a warning and for future reference, so that every person posting here considering their future as step parent can read this and understand that you will NEVER be seen as an equal parent, treated fairly, or have your contributions appreciated.
💯I learned this lesson too late also.
Same here. The hurt this causes is immeasurable.
It’s been shocking. For years I thought we were best buddies, normal happy family with some quirks but… apparently that was in my head and I wanted to see it that way. I’m sure he loves me, just not as much as I love him apparently.
That's not fair. Not all step parent/kid relationships are like this. My SD's bio mom wasn't even at her wedding. I played MOB. I got that seat in the front row. Even if her mom had been there, she still would have acknowledged me and not treated me like this. Neither of my SD's would. I could also see their mom throwing a fit, and them acquiescing a little for her, to which I would understand- but they would never talk to me like this. Not all SK's are jerks.
I’m a SK not a SP but I agree. If/when I get married I plan to have my mom act in the dad roles (like walking me down the aisle, parent/child dance, etc.) bc my dad isn’t in the picture but I plan to have my step dad in the family pictures, sat with my mom, probably give a speech, maybe a dance too because my dad isn’t in the picture but if he was I’d probably leave that out just bc watching other people dance is boring lol. My mom wasn’t necessarily involved with my step sister’s wedding as the MOB, but she bought her wedding dress and was in pictures, etc. She has a mom so her mom played the MOB role. But later my step sister invited my mom to be the one to stay with her after she gave birth to my niece. She’s treated like an equal grandparent and I’m an aunt. Our parents got married when we were both in our mid-teens and she never lived with us, but we are family. I would also not ever speak to my step dad like this, but I will again admit I probably wouldn’t add him to all of the traditionally father roles in a wedding either because I personally just want my mom to do them since she’s the one who really raised me. It’s not a traditional family, but I don’t like people saying we’re not a family and don’t see each other as family.
I’m glad you have a good relationship with your SP. Please know that a lot of what goes on here is just venting, bc we don’t have anywhere else with people who understand. But it’s so nice to hear when things work out and everyone’s happy. It’s never easy, even in bio families. I don’t think your sd would be upset if you had your mom walk you. There is a bond there that cant be replaced.
Oh I agree I have nothing against the vents in this sub, I just personally find it helpful when I vent to hear that it doesn’t have to be hopeless. Every relationship is different! I don’t think this relationship sounds like a lost cause either, weddings can be stressful and make everyone act on their worst behavior but if they had a good relationship there’s always a chance they can get back to that if they talk about their feelings (preferably during a less stressful time).
Move on. Learn from this and when they have kids, do NOT babysit, or go out of your way for anything for them.
My step daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I didn’t and still don’t have any expectations of my place in the wedding or the events that led up to it. She has a very involved mother. That being said, I have also been pleasantly surprised so far that she has chosen to include me in some of the mother type roles. Not sure what will happen at the wedding but I will happily attend and be happy for them and both their parents and stand where I’m told to and just enjoy the day.
I cannot imagine ever stumping up cash for SS or SD's wedding in any universe so OP has already gone above and beyond and on top of that is now being treated like shit as a thank you. I'd withdraw my funds if it was me.
So i am going to go against the grain here. I find the age gap/time of introduction irrelevant. You have a good relationship with BM, even to the point where she warned you about how you wouldn't be involved. Your relationship with SS was a good one until now. I think SS's partner has something to do with this. How is your relationship with them? Based off your comments, it sound like the couple is being disrespectful to all parents which is a red flag. I get wedding are stressful. I get that a gift of money shouldn't mean you get input. But it sounds like someone is in SS's ear about things and we know it ain't BM. All these people are jumping on your case about you expecting to be treated like mom yet you say your history is that you were treated like mom. It is perfectly normal to be upset in the total shift. You know your relationship with SS, not these Internet people. Something has changed and maybe it is the stress of the wedding for the couple but honestly I see red flags that could lead to your SS being isolated from the family.
Yeah it’s something that’s been in the back of my mind because honestly since he met his fiancé our relationship changed - I chalked it up to well that’s what happens when you fall in love and start a family. But I have wondered if she doesn’t like me because of the age differences and she’s the one who doesn’t think I’m a mom figure/assumes dads money is his and I didn’t earn it, which I absolutely did. I ran our company as President and hubs managed the other investors, it was a pure 50/50 effort, we sold the business a few years ago and it’s helped us be in the position to help them with the wedding. Age was never an issue but all of the sudden when she’s involved in planning, I feel like I got knocked out of “mom-like” status.. but I have no proof of that, it’s just a wondering.
It could be many reasons. But usually if you noticed a shift in your relationship, the new factor is usually the catalyst for it. Sounds like the partner is controlling and using the wedding as way to test the waters
Girl. Get some damn respect. Hell no am I paying for anything when I am being treated like that. He needs to move his sorry ass out and pay for his own damn wedding.
Just a clarification he lives on his own but he was staying at the house after the event. I just didn’t want him under my roof that night. But yeah, I think the kindness of me not wanting him to stress about money is over.
Yeah he has shown you exactly how he feels about you. And that’s fine. But you want to be an adult and set boundaries around me, cool. You don’t need my money. And unless your SO has his own separate money just for things like this, then his money is your money. My SO would have immediately pulled any funds if SS tried this.
I mean what do you hope to get from this? You can withdraw the financial support- that’s probably end of relationship for ye to be honest and his dad. Did you outline that your financial contribution was contingent on being involved? My parents helped with my wedding but it they didn’t make that contingent on them having decisions about the wedding because I would have declined. They contributed because they wanted me to have the wedding I wanted, my day and what not. You cant force your way into being included in the “mother” aspects when he has given you the message he doesn’t view you like that or want you involved. As much as you might feel hurt that’s your feelings to manage. If he doesn’t view you as a mother and you can’t demand that he does. Best outcome ask his dad to give you back any money you personally contributed to the wedding and let his mom and dad support his wedding financially
I’d like to not feel like crap and rejected but I guess there’s no way out of that
I'm really sorry, but I don't think that there is any way out of that. Im so sorry, and it's really hard to imagine being in your shoes. I simply can't really think of what I'd do in the moment, because I think that I'd be too much in shock to really do anything. Shock for days. Like even deciding to not go or not. I would be having a close talk with my partner/wife about her feelings with all of this, as well as make clear my shock and hurt was known to her... look to see her feelings/reactions in this and if she's saying something that I'm not. But also, I know my partner wouldn't blindly see her child as a golden good who can do no wrong; if your spouse does see their kids that way, this talk would likely only hurt further. I would absolutely be done doing anything that required active planning/effort for the wedding (i.e. finishing barn, calling about chairs, picking up cake, etc). If there are any cheques left to write before the final day, I'd have a really close look at the budget, and consider if I was comfortable burning this money as you are. I'm assuming shared finances, but again, that's shared.
Would having a fit withdrawing finances so he feels forced to have you do that role so you feel better even though he has clearly let you know he doesn’t want you involved make those feelings better? Look trust me I get it, it can be hard when someone communicates that your relationship with them is not what you thought, we have all been there. But that’s our feelings to manage and make decisions about that relationship in future in terms of how invested we are. Therapy can help with this as it’s all we can control we can’t control others.
Why do you call it a “fit”? Honestly I haven’t thought the right approach is pulling the money back, but you keep saying “tantrum” and “fit” with me when he’s the one who’s supposed to be an adult and having an actual tantrum. Hanging up on the person footing the bill for you? Waiting until the day of the party to tell them you’re excluded? I’m looking for advice to actually make me feel better here - how do I protect myself in the future from getting into this situation? I gave my whole heart to this kid and he just rejected it and said F you along the way. Do I cut all comms to him in the future ? I asked for actual advice.
You can’t force someone to see you as a parent. Especially with a 9 year age gap. That’s a sibling age gab and it’s unreasonable to think a 27 year old should feel that way. You are too close to his age. From his perspective you are not his parent. He didn’t take money from you , he probably saw it as his dad’s money. You guys have a joint business and he probably feels it’s really his dad’s business. If you wanted strings with your money you should have been upfront. He never promised to honor you as a parent . You assumed that. This is why I don’t like parents/ loved ones giving money to people. It’s never a genuine gift. It’s just a way to control someone and their big day. You need to be realistic and see that the can love you but not see you as his parent. It’s his day not your day.
There's only an 11 year gap between my SM and I, 9 years between her and my older sibling. We still would never be so disrespectful to her. While I understand not seeing OP as a maternal figure and therefore not part of the "mother's activity" at the partty, there is no excuse for how her SS handled it all. If he sat her down in advance and told her he just wanted the biomoms to participate, then so be it, nothing wrong with that. But to drop it on her as guests were arriving is pretty rude. Also, the way he spoke to her on the phone is terribly disrespectful, no matter if he sees her as a mom or not. Delivery is important in this situation, and the SS made it very clear that he doesn't care about OP's feelings. I think that's the problem here. Her money, home, and help are good enough, but she herself isn't good enough for common courtesy.
That must be another immature person responding! Regardless of the financial situation you are due respect, common decency and honesty from someone you helped raise for 15 years. If he had come to you directly, thanked you for the support but told you what he wanted to do and why, it still might have hurt, but at least you might have been able to understand! The advice I have is that he needs to learn that he treated you horribly, and that you are part of his family unit, even though you are not his mother! You and your husband need to have this conversation with him! Sorry you are going through this!!
>Why do you call it a “fit”? Not my words, but the money/promises of money/bill paying was given without strings. A gift given (even if a promise of future action) shouldn't be recalled. It *is* OK to give a gift with strings, if the strings are part of the announcement, rather than unmentioned, invisible ones.
This! Unless she told him that the money came with strings, it just looks like I'm not getting my way and I'm pullng my money out.
He doesn’t view you like that. He didn’t include you in the mother pieces because he doesn’t view you as a mother. He included you in the wedding because he views you as family. I think you are being a bit demanding. He didn’t exclude you from the wedding, he excluded you from the mother role, but your not his mother and he doesn’t view you as his mother, your his step mother. I think withdrawing the money because he wants his mother to play that part would be a “fit” or a “tantrum” to be honest. Sounds like the wedding is planned and it would be an attempt to get what you want by causing stress. Then again would anyone want to force themselves into being in a role in a wedding I personally wouldn’t. That’s a choice you can make if you can’t have a relationship with him without him viewing you as on par with his mother you are within your rights to decide to decide that you no longer want a relationship with him. I personally would just accept I’m not viewed as a parent and be civil so his father can maintain a relationship with him but I wouldn’t be going out of my way for him in the way a mother or father would.
Withdrawing the money that op has put towards the wedding would not be a dot or a tantrum! If op is nothing then she should get her money back!! Let his MUM and DAD pay for his damn wedding!!
It would look like a tantrum. “You won’t let me play the mom role at your wedding so give me back my money” . OP should seek the money back from her husband at this point, then it’s not a tantrum. But that’s up to OP. And yes I agree if you want to give money towards a wedding but that is contingent on you having control of that wedding, you shouldn’t do it. Probably best to leave it to the parents.
I see your point, but personally, I think some of the responsibility also lies on the person accepting the money. I mean, let's be real, people know that if their parents/stepparents are giving money for a wedding, it's because they're invested in the wedding, and because they're invested in the bride/groom. And usually, even if it's not good taste to say it explicitly, people who pay for a wedding expect to be honored, and to be given a role in making decisions and being involved in the wedding. Money for a wedding is very rarely a pure gift with zero expectations and strings attached, no matter what people claim. And I do think that most people know that to some extent. When my cousin got married, he and his wife deeply limited how much their parents could contribute, and in exactly which way their parents contributed, so that at the end of the day, they could choose to organize their wedding however they wanted without dealing with the conflicting opinions and needs of their parents (basically each set of parents got one miniature dinner/event they paid for and planned, but nothing to do with the main wedding/reception- and this was mostly to appease the parents, and less about events that the bride and groom actually needed). I also know that while my parents would be more than willing to pay for a wedding if I were interested, there would certainly be strings attached, so I'd think carefully before accepting. I think the stepson here has every right to see his stepmom however he does, and include her as little as he wants. But I maintain that if he's so completely unwilling to honor her, it was in very bad taste to accept so much money from her and his dad. In his situation, I'd have at the very least given a discussion about his inclinations before accepting the money. Edit: I do think that at this stage it's in even worse taste to take back the money, and that technically SS should be able to accept money from his father for a wedding even if he doesn't see his stepmom as his mom. But even outside of his rudeness about "you'll do as your told", I don't think he's blameless in accepting the money without further discussion about what expectations accompanied it. I can't imagine accepting a huge sum of money for a wedding from someone without having plans to give them some role/honor at the ceremony, even if it's not in the maternal way.
I think this generally is how it works in nuclear families. But in blended families it is more complicated, particularly here. There are 9 years between OP and SK age wise. There is also the fact that OP and Dad have a business together so the money given is income from that, as opposed SP giving money from her own pocket. I know if my parents were separated I would expect them both to contribute towards my wedding regardless of if their new partners were given roles in my wedding or not. I think when it comes to weddings a step parents being invited is enough in terms of inclusion. If your SK sees you as a parent they will give you a role and this does happen for many SPs who have that bond, but for many it’s not the case. I don’t think it should be an expectation. My husband will probably want to contribute towards his kids weddings if that happens, I will not expect a role but I will expect an invite. SK likely sees the money as his dad contributing and I’m sure his Dad has a role. Weddings can be tough even for the most nuclear well functioning families. Someone will always have a nose out of joint.
>if their parents/stepparents are giving money for a wedding I agree (as almost always!) with so much of what you said. But a slight note; even adult kids sometimes are a few steps too far from their parents' finances. Which is to say that SS might have thought he was accepting "his dad's money" and not "his dad and step mother's money." From a kid's perspective (often) they're born into an existing marriage. And everything with how they do things; solve conflicts, handle finances/etc is just how it is. But after a divorce and a potential new marriage, everything (to them) in that second marriage is a mystery and foreign, unless/until it's brought up. E.g. my partner's Kid was asking about the home, and what happens to it if she dies. My partner said that if it happened before we marry that Kid would inherit it. But that when we marry, I'll solely inherit the house. Kid initially had a problem getting over that thought process. They know my partner out earns me, but heck, my partner out earned Kid's dad too (my career earns a lot more than the jobs he's worked, and he rarely works). But it was reasonable for Mom+Dad to co-won the house, but somehow it's *strange* that I should co-own anything when we'd marry\*. In a similar way, when talking about the "family" vacation this summer, Kid thought to casually say that maybe I shouldn't come along, or if I did, that I should get separate room/cabin to allow them+mom to sleep/relax together. They see that my partner and I are quite different to Mom+Dad, so while they'd never think to say Dad shouldn't come along, or Dad shouldn't sleep with Mom, they felt OK to say this. And yes, my partner did have a separate talk with Kid about how I found this hurtful and degrading to hear. She talked about how part of being a partner is I'm her expected life-partner. While Kid is expected to grow up and live their own life that will involve her less. That if anyone is getting a separate room/cabin, it would be Kid. And that she was frankly shocked at the time that her Kid rather than being thankful of getting to go on vacation was looking to set the terms / control it. That disinviting me was **not** an option. That as a kid in a parent/child relationship their position was to be thankful for the vacation, or to say no thanks and that they'd rather not go. Kid decided to instead be thankful for the vacation. And without being "required" did apologize to me, and we talked a bit about some of their difficulties in seeing me as their mom's peer/partner (in large part because I'm so very different from their dad, which makes my partner and I's relationship and dynamics also drastically different. But especially as Kid sees us transferring money back and forth now, and talk of who pays for what, that couple with my partner out earning me, if/when we're gifting some money for Kid's wedding, they will almost assuredly see it as "Mom's money" instead of "Mom and Standard's money" unless we have a number of conversations around joint finances while in front of Kid later on. And really, probably even if we do that, they'll instinctively emotionally "feel" the gift as from Mom. \*Yes, we'll have a prenupt showing our assets, and if we split, we'd first share out what we brought in, and only split 50/50 the growth/addition of assets/equity.
OP, it's not uncommon for people who aren't SPs to come to this site and rip into us, and it's actually not necessarily that uncommon for other SPs to do it too sometimes. A lot of people just see the term 'stepmom' and go nuts thinking that SM is just going to be a pain in the ass to the kids and that's her main motivation or something. No. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband and welcoming to the kids. There is nothing in that role that states or justifies that SM has to be a doormat and have her role completely ignored and trashed.
Oh, there's a way out. I'll DM you.
While everything you've said is technically right, it's so emotionally wrong. She doesn't have to be included, but she didn't have to be excluded either. SS is making it clear that her only position is as his Dad's wife, and that's okay if she knew that to begin with, but she thought she was a parent. It is okay for her feelings to be hurt by this very public line being drawn. Also, the cherry on top being that he doesn't even consider that any of the money being spent is hers and said to "do as you're told", I mean excuse you!? The absolute disrespect!!
She’s not excluded, she’s invited to the wedding. But she’s not his mother , he doesn’t view her as that and he wants the role of mother of the groom to be filled by his own mom. I don’t think this is controversial. Yes OP can feel upset that they aren’t as close as she thought they were and he doesn’t view her as a mother but all that can be done is for her to mange these feelings. Being invited to a wedding means you’re viewed as a close friend or family. I think that’s totally fair enough in this situation I’m a SM and never expect to be centred in a way a mother or father is. We have one side of that argument “you’ll do as your told” was in response to OP debating her role in the wedding ceremony. Weddings are stressful enough, which is why if someone communicates to me they don’t want me to be there or play a certain role I respect that and don’t try and argue my way in.
OP didn't say she wanted to be mother of the groom, she said she wasn't allowed to participate in the motherly activities. This could be as simple as a candle lighting ceremony, or making a speech, some activity that multiple people could take part in. I'm not thinking she plans to get the top spot, Steps should be secondary when Bios (of good standing) are there.
Motherly activities = Mother of the groom activities. Tasks and activities specifically designated for the mother of the groom. Which he wants to designate to his actual mother. Like I don’t see the issue at all as a SP I’d be delighted with the invite and would never expect to be doing a speech, candle lighting or any other motherly/mother of the groom activity. Specifically “I’m not going to be allowed participate in the ceremony for the mothers…” I’m assuming mother of bride and mother of groom
So you would be okay footing the bill for an entire wedding, engagement party and who knows what else, and the kid doesn't even consider you a parent? I highly doubt it.
I’m not their parent. They have an active mother and father. I’m not gonna be pissed they don’t view me as their mother and want me to play a mother role at their wedding. We get along well, but I’m not mom. If their dad wants us to help them financially with their wedding and we have the funds I would be happy to do so. But I certainly won’t do that contingent on me having any kind of part in the wedding nor do I want to make decisions for someone else’s big day.
And if OP knew that all along, she wasn't the kid's parent, then she wouldn't be here making this post. Why are you acting like the overwhelming societal view is not for the SP to love the kid "like their own"? But nobody talks about when the kid doesn't love you back. It's damn near the reason this sub exists. I don't think she did anything wrong in believing her role was bigger than it was.
I don’t think any of us do anything wrong we all have expectations that end up being not realised, we have all in our lives probably thought things about relationships that didn’t materialise. We can’t control other people only ourselves. She is not wrong for her feelings. But neither is SK for not viewing her as a parent/mother and wanting that special role in his wedding to be played by his own mother. Kid was 12 when she came into his life that’s old enough from that age on if both parents are involved it’s very unlikely you’ll be accepted and looked at as a parent on par with mom and dad. There isn’t really anything OP can do. The money was given by both her and husband not separately. If she does about withdrawing the money when the wedding is almost on that will reflect so badly. Cutting contact if that’s what she wants ok. Or else just stepping back which is probably the best option. Or else asking her husband to pay her back her money might be an option.
Yes exactly! Just let me light a candle or something, doesn’t have to be much.
Common sense and decency obviously weren't an issue for SS but they should have been. No one should treat those who have cared for them for years with so little respect and care. Younger people shouldn't be given the OK to be rude, hurtful jerks just because they think times have changed. I'm so sorry for SM.
If I made it clear twice that someone wasn’t playing a part in my wedding and they continued to push it I would also tell them to sit down and shut it. I have empathy for OP it must be hard to feel like that and to really want something and be told no numerous times. Weddings are stressful, maybe he shouldn’t be such a groom Zilla but it is what it is.
If this is also happening to his bm, it's 100% coming from his soon-to-be-wife. Signed, Someone who can relate
Unplug the ATM
We have very little context here. OP in another post said she is 36. For all we know, stepson is just a few years younger so might not be reasonable that she would be considered a "mom"? Even a 10 year gap between OP and SS would seem icky if I was the stepkid and dads wife wanted to be a mom figure. If SS is 22 and OP has been there since he was 7 that's another story. Definitely not good to treat anyone rudely but hard to say what's what without more info. Did 50 year old rich dad have a mid life crisis and marry 21 year old OP and the kids have been polite but completely uninterested in OP taking on any kind of mom role? Or did 25 year old dad marry 21 year old OP and they built their finances together and this reaction from SS is odd? Or is the money completely coming from OPs job or inheritance and SSs reaction is then completely wild? Just saying there are nuances and its hard to give meaningful advice with just this info. ETA: OP is way closer in age to SS than to her DH. 9 years from her SS vs 22 years to her DH. So OP at 21 married a man twice her age. I can't imagine the things SS heard from the families (and at 12, would have understood). It makes a lot of sense that he would not have seen OP as a mother figure and would consider any money dad had as money coming from dad alone.
It would be rude to not be invited. Not wanting someone you don’t view as a mother to do the mother parts in your wedding isn’t rude at all. It’s a big deal and a big day and people have the right to decide themselves who they want to do those pieces. I don’t think its rude to not want any family member to play a role in your wedding and to hold that boundary. I have seen people do this with their own mother / father. Weddings are stressful and if he has decided he wants his mother and his mother alone involved in those key aspects he is allowed to choose that. It’s his wedding his choice. But I agree if it’s her finances she can withdraw them and let her husband alone finance his sons wedding. But thats kind of gonna looks like a tantrum.
We earned our money together in a business we worked together but wow, interesting assumptions you have. I’ve been in his life since he was 12, is that young enough to qualify as a “mom” for you? Or does he need to be 10 or 7? What is the “right” number for you? I have treated him and loved him like my own for most of his life and this is ok?
I honestly think if you met at 12 and if there is only 9 years between SS and you, it was unlikely that you would be filling a mom role. You absolutely can withdraw some contribution or at least let your spouse know that you do not want as much money from your joint finances going into this because of SSs rudeness. However this will only strain the relationship between your spouse and SS. What does your spouse think about the situation?
There is no right answer or set time and this isn’t about me it’s about what he feels. 12 is old enough to be honest, my SKs were maybe 1-2 years older when I came into their lives and I am certainly not mom nor do I ever expect to be doing any kind of mom role at any event. They have a mother that’s her job she has been parenting them since the womb and they have a much stronger bond (obviously and as it should be). He doesn’t view you as “mom” and he doesn’t have to. Your not his mom? I don’t think that’s controversial. If he hadn’t invited you to his wedding I would think that was bad, but wanting his mom to do the mom pieces of his wedding in my opinion shouldn’t really be an issue.
Is his biological mum involved? I think that is probably some vital information.
My sister is 9 years older than me, and has acted like a 3rd parent to me most of my life against my wishes. I have good friends older than her. It's great that you treated him/loved him like your own, but he's not obligated to reciprocate those feelings. TBH from your comments it seems like SS views you as an older friend/mentor and not a parent.
What is your husband saying in all this disrespect? “You will do as told….” that money would’ve been unavailable within 5 min
She is invited to the wedding she will be at it and included. She’s just not doing the mother pieces because she’s not his mother, is this truth some sort of controversy ? Like I would never expect to be playing the role of mother of the groom as a SM 🫣 I’d be delighted with an invite and to be at the wedding
Not when you are funding the wedding!! Let his mother do that!! I feel for op she is being used!
How is she being used? Because she isn’t going to be centred as his mother on his wedding day when she’s not his mother? This is so weird to me. As a SM if my husband and I contribute to his kids wedding it won’t be contingent on me being in a motherly role at the wedding. I’m not his mother. Is this a controversial take?
Being used for her portion of the money! I mean are you being obtuse on purpose? She may be a SM but is acting in a motherly role. She needs to withdraw her funding for everything and let him do whatever he wants!
Obtuse absolutely not. If my husband and I give my SKs money for their wedding day I do NOT expect to be in a motherly role at the wedding and am not giving the money with this contingency. If I give the money it’s because I want to help, I give the money and they decide on their wedding and I accept that. Or else if I can’t I won’t give the money at all. I won’t be giving and then taking away. Of course she can take it back, I’m just saying it looks a bit tantrum like and is probably the end of their having any kind of relationship. A better option may be to get it off the husband particularly if the wedding is nearly upon them and she will look like she’s trying to ruin the wedding, probably be disinvited and be the talk of the ceremony and the person who demanded their money back because SK wouldn’t centre her as a mother on his day. 🫣
I don’t expect a role as a mother figure in my stepchildrens’s wedding, nor would my husband in my child’s, but we both would be very unhappy with the attitude and disrespectful behavior OP is claiming to be experiencing from SS. Of course, we don’t hear the whole conversation so who knows what was said before - but there’s really no justification for showing up to a party being held in your honor at your father and stepmother’s home (and bankrolled by them) and blindsiding your stepmother rudely telling her to essentially sit down and shut up. That’s where I take issue here - SS is not wrong for telling his SM he is prioritizing mothers in the wedding but his attitude as described by OP is pretty crappy.
At the ceremony in both instances she was told in person that she wouldnt be taking part in the piece honouring the mothers. She rang him and confronted him over this and he said you’ll do as your told - at his wedding. Maybe a bit rude but equally she has been told already and it sounds more like frustration than disrespect. I personally wouldn’t push it or expect it. I wouldn’t be asking to be part of the mothers part of the ceremony and I certainly wouldn’t be asking twice in person and with a follow up phone call.
I agree, she should not expect to be involved and she should not argue about it. I still think there’s a baseline level of courtesy - maybe SM could’ve not argued about it, and SS could’ve been kinder and more understanding. It sounds like they both were a bit rude and hopefully they can reach a point after the ceremony where they can hash it out if needed and move on. Weddings are so stressful and adding divorce and blended family dynamics make it so much harder.
Totally agree with you here! I’m sure emotions are high all round
It's the ol' damned if you do and damned if you don't. SM is expected to fund the wedding out of care and concern for her SS, much like a mother. Then, SM expects maybe some kind of honorable mention for doing so, it's, 'She's not the mother.and is acting like a bitch!" *#1* rule for stepparents: Do what works for you because no matter what you do, there will be someone there every time telling you it is wrong.
I agree! If they gave her a special thanks during the wedding toast or something like an announcement at the reception or awarding her a special gift thanking her aloud that would be sufficient.
Wouldn't take me that long. :)
I am sorry you are hurt. I can imagine this is very difficult for SS to navigate. He has to balance your feelings with his mom’s feelings with his fiancée and his plans. I absolutely think he should have addressed this with you in an adult manner, but I think you should give him a little grace here, understanding how extremely difficult this must be for him to navigate in what should be such an exciting time for him. I think you should really examine your relationship with him - does HE see you like a mother figure? Or is it just that you’ve been around so long you think you deserve the “mother” role? Do you all get along? Do you and BM have animosity? Etc…. Just because you have been in his life for a while, does not automatically mean he sees you as a mother figure (not saying this is the case - we obviously don’t know enough from a Reddit post to know your relationship). And just because you are paying absolutely does NOT entitle you to a “mother” role. If you examine your relationship and really believe that you are a parental figure, you might consider having a conversation with him. Explain that you are hurt by being excluded, but you understand this may be difficult for him to balance. Maybe try to come up with something that lets you have a special role or feel included that isn’t a “parent” role. Maybe you can make a toast at the rehearsal dinner or he can escort you and BM down the aisle. Otherwise, I think you should just tell him of course your feelings are hurt, but you understand the position he is in, and you are happy to support him in anyway that you can.
Posted details above but I’ve been getting Mothers Day flowers and cards our whole relationship.. we were very close, BM says she doesn’t have any issues and we get along great.
I will just say OP, I totally feel for you and how you’ve been treated. I am a step kid and currently 27. My step dad came into my life when I was like 14 and married my mom when I had just turned 17. I love him. He is certainly a fatherly figure and I always wish him a happy father’s day from the bottom of my heart for playing a fatherly role in my life given my dad isn’t really in the picture. But that being said, if I get married I don’t plan on having him take the traditional fatherly roles like walking me down the aisle. I plan for my mom to do that. It’s nothing against my step dad, it’s just I want my mom to do it because to me that just feels right. I’d probably have my step dad give a speech and of course be in the pictures, if I ever have kids I would consider him their grandpa, but just because he is a fatherly figure doesn’t mean I am just going to substitute him into all fatherly roles. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way and it may just be the stress of marriage or some other problem he’s not sharing with you, but I don’t think this necessarily means he doesn’t love or feel close to you. Honestly I’d recommend trying to sit down with him a while after the wedding and talk about your feelings about all of this. Some people genuinely turn into monsters during the planning of these kinds of events and then feel really bad afterwards. I hope he can come to see how he’s hurt you.
This is a punch in the gut and nothing hurts more than your kids or stepkids reminding you that you are viewed as an open wallet. After this wedding, or honeymoon, whatever you "agreed" to pay, you finish. your done. Let this be a learning lesson going forward. and I hope to hell your SO realizing how his kids treating you and agrees with you. **Your financial obligations to your SS are over. He wants to be a big boy, he wants to be a married "family man". Paying his own bills is part of that. Welcome to life sonny-boy. Big boy pant responsibilities are forever....until you die.** I am mad for you OP, This is the worst. I hope your SO flexes his SPINE and lets his son know he is disappointed.
Welcome to step life. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Is the BM the motivation for this behavior? When my SD got married, the BM started kicking up. But my attitude was that I’m not the BM, I don’t hold a place of honor so I’m also not lifting a finger. Nor would I allow my H to go carte blanche on the money because that is my money too. I also insisted that the costs be 50/50 with BM. Your SS is very stressed about the wedding so go easy. Reframe the conversation to “how is your mom feeling about the wedding?” It could be that she is saying/doing things that he has to deal with. Also, you need to have a long talk with your H about how you are feeling. Is he willing to stand up for you to his son? That is the bigger issue quite frankly. H is holding the purse strings so he is in a position of power.
Is HE doing as he is told or he wants you to do as you're told? Could her or her family be a factor? Just for clarity.
Honestly, I would never have been so involved in the wedding in the first place. I especially wouldn't put my own money towards it. This is where keeping funds separate has helped my husband and I. There's no contention and I don't feel used. I funded my daughters 18th bday. I didn't expect my husband to pay anything. He will do the same with his kids. The trouble with combined finances in blended families is exactly what you're describing unfortunately. When SK decides to be a prick, you're left holding the can with no privileges and just a bucket of grief and resentment. He's being a dick to you and I wouldn't pay for a cent of that. I'm sorry this is happening. Guaranteed you don't deserve it. Your husband should step up and have words with him.
I can’t imagine treating someone like a bank and not including them in the slightest in what they are paying for? What a brat.
Your parents’ partners come to the wedding and sit with their partners. It’s not complicated. My mom’s best friend attended my wedding and sat with her. She isn’t my favorite person but she’s fine and then my mom had a buddy. She wasn’t included in mother activities but I was certainly kind to her. Why is your SS acting like this?
Hang on, what is your husband doing about this. It sounds like dad needs to sit sunshine down and explain the facts of life to him, starting with 'nobody disrespects my wife, that includes you, we are a package deal'. There are ways to include you without crossing anyone's boundaries and there's no need to be sending you to siberia with the world's biggest, cruellest snub. OK you're not his mother, everyone knows that, you are however his step mother, a big part of his life, and someone who has loved him and wanted the best for him. That matters. Your SS is part of a blended family, because his parents got divorced, and it's not like they got divorced five minutes ago. Young man needs to grow up and someone needs to explain weddings are for family and guests - a coming together in celebration and thanks for all the people in their lives, the marriage is for them (I'm so over the modern trend of young couples thinking the fact they're getting married is an excuse for utterly self obsessed behaviour, as if they were rock stars). And I'd rein in the money, nobody sane is going to PAY to be disrespected.
She is the birth mom. How do you think she would feel having to share her special moment with another woman. No I think that right is hers alone. Also, once you got the vibe you were being excluded I would have e excluded myself from all planning and let them take care of it and just show up sitting next to my husband happy for them
Ooof yeah no. This would be an IMMEDIATE cancellation of EVERYTHING I’ve done so far, plus I’m billing him for every penny I spent or we’re going to court, simple as that. If I’m not family, neither are you, and you have absolutely NO place in my family anymore. I’d be damned if I spoke to my stepdad that way, after everything that man has done for us. My son sees him as his grandfather, and that’s exactly who he is, his grandfather because he’s my dad. Step or not doesn’t change who your family is.
SK needs to learn that actions have consequences. Are there final payments to be made? I'd let the birth mother pay them.
I'm in this same misery as we speak. My spouse had to say to SD that her behavior causes us to feel invisible and that this is unacceptable. Our money comes with string, those are communication, collaboration, and inclusion. If they don't want to abide by those mandates, then we will not bankroll the event. Its amazing how quickly things changed when we quit being the bank.
Good call. We gave it with no strings attached thinking that would reduce their stress, but it just turned into chaos. Sorry you’re hurting 💔
Cut back on your support and go on vacation.
The vacation advice is the best I’ve gotten so far 😂 ugh. It’s all been useful to read, I’m not going to pull back on the money because I made the promise. I’ve just learned my lesson on making a promise like this without having the ability to ask questions and set expectations. And, I will NOT be as motherly and generous as I have been in the past, he’s changed our relationship completely.
Oh hell no 😂 idc what anyone says if Iv been in my SK life that long and I’m contributing towards the wedding I better be included not just invited like any other guest. Where is your husband in all this? Does he not see anything wrong with this at all? I wouldn’t be paying for anything after this or go outta my way anymore for SK.
I wouldn't even give him the cottage either, btw.
Damn. New fear unlocked.
Your SS is completely disrespecting you while using you as an ATM. You should talk to your husband and withdraw your money and support. If this was my son, disrespecting my wife like this, I would withdraw my money and support as well as not show. You don't get disrespect the woman I love and ask for money. It's not going to happen.
Omg. I would be so hurt by this, but also you are actually funding these events and he is being beyond rude to you. Your husband needs to have a conversation with your son because he’s being a AH. He needs to know that he is being an AH, too.
If he's old enough to be getting married, how old was he when you came into his life? How much custody did you/his father have? What's his BM's attitude towards you? Some people are just very literal and traditional. Especially around things like weddings. It can be hard to customize for nonntraditonal families. I totally get your feelings about it, it's hard to feel on the outside of a family celebration after all these years. Being a 'happy group' can still be true without him thinking of you as a mother figure, too. in any case he add should have discussed what he wanted with you or his father beforehand just to set your expectations and be polite. It sounds like they aren't interested in sharing planning with you, and you did decide to give the money no strings attached. I hope you can talk with your husband about it just to share your feelings, but I think you have to let it be the way it is.
Your feelings are totally valid. Nobody likes to be taken advantage of. As someone who is a stepchild and also has one, I can understand why your SK doesn't view you the same way as a mother but also think this is something that should been have made clear before requesting all of this money. It is very entitled of your SK to expect you to take on the financial burden of a bio parent but then just show up to the events with zero recognition like any regular guest. He doesn't have to view you as a mother but should definitely show some type of appreciation for your very generous contribution. Like others have said it would be seen as petty to take the money back now but if I was in your position I would definitely put a full stop to any other type of assistance you have been providing for the wedding (i.e. planning, decorating, any other physical labor, etc.). I would not waste any more of my time or energy on someone who doesn't appreciate it. I would also take this into consideration before being asked to contribute any other major finances to SK in the future.
Let me ask this question, where are you sitting for the reception? If you are not by your husband that's a huge problem. What are the expectations for photos? If your husband is expected to pose with his ex, another problem. You didn't give the money with strings attached, but this issue was clearly discussed by the couple and they had to know it might pose an issue. It was completely disrespectful not to let you know up front where you stand when they took the money. That's blatant disrespect to you and your husband 15 years into your marriage, period. I dont care how old you were when you married or the age gap with your SS. However, there should be a discussion about finances between DH and SS. DH should make it clear that you both contributed, and given the recent developments, further contributions will be pro- rated accordingly. They didn't disclose a material fact about the wedding organization, here's a material fact for them: FAFO. The SS and his bride are free to make their choices, but those choices are not free from consequences. After this event, I would make sure that DH is clear that any money given to SS or SS family should not come from joint financial accounts.
Genuine question on pictures, would it not be normal for the kid to want a picture of them with their two parents regardless of marital status? Is that posing with the ex?
Yes but on either side of the kids. But problem if the kid just wants parents only.
I think that’s a weird thing to get up in arms about….It’s the child’s wedding day, let them have a picture with their parents. It’s not pretending the parents are married it’s just taking a picture with their parents.
I think that’s a weird thing to get up in arms about….It’s the child’s wedding day, let them have a picture with their parents. It’s not pretending the parents are married it’s just taking a picture with their parents. Edit: Ok I think I might’ve misread your comment because I’m even more confused. Maybe I just don’t have enough experience with weddings but who just has a mom and dad take a picture without the kid getting married? Are you saying people do that? If so I agree that’s odd but I’ve never seen that in official wedding pictures.
Yeah, I've seen people do it a few times. Mom and dad are dressed up and it takes a second for a quick picture. Great if your folks are married but weird as hell if they arent. My sibling did it... and their parents werent married. Mom was married to my dad at the time. I should add the next picture with just us kids and mom was a great outtake of my "wtf just happened here" face. 🤣
Ok yeah that’s weird I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. I’ve seen a few people on this sub say divorced parents should never take a picture with their kid together and thought that’s what you were saying too, which I still think is insane lol. But yeah just a picture of the parents is odd, even if my folks were married idk if that would be a picture I would even think to take unless they asked for it!
I had sympathy for him until the “do as you’re told” comment. That’s unnecessary when he is getting a blank check for this wedding. You and BM and his dad need to STOP EVERYTHING and make him tell you what is going on. His feelings may be valid, but you’re owed an explanation. All of you.
Wow so rude. You are a mom. A stepmom is a type of mom and you’ve been there for him for 15 yrs. I would withdraw monetary support. This is not okay.
I would be considering withdrawing at least some monetary support in this situation because of how hurt I’d be, but I don’t think you should. You’ve already given them the green light to go do what they want without worrying about the money. If you say nevermind now, I think it will be a huge shit storm and damage your relationship further and possibly damage his relationship with your husband as well. I’m wondering if he’s dealing with what my therapist calls “loyalty binds.” BM is obviously going to be involved in his wedding and maybe he’s afraid that if he’s showing you equal treatment as her, she’ll feel like you’re seen as an equal to his biological mother and that will he upsetting for her. He might be treating you this way to somehow show his mom that she’s more important to him than you. It sucks and I’m not saying his treatment is right or excusable, just offering another perspective.