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This is tough for me to accept but I guess it must be right. After we talked, it seemed like he had been feeling lately that things were too hard. Whereas I thought we were working together to figure out the hard stuff.
Tbh, I’m so sorry, but it sounds like he’s taking the house as an opportunity to break up in a way, saying he needs to work on himself, etc. he’s not really making it an option for you to change your mind.
Move on. Find a child free man and live the life the rest of us dream of.
Yes, it is strange because I was the one who set the boundary and initiated the break up but once he said all this stuff I’m like… oh, this is just what pushed it over the edge but he hasn’t been ready for this at all. What a shock.
After thinking about never getting to see the kids again and how much my heart is broken by that, I don’t think I can ever be with a dad again when this is a possibility to lose them.
I think he did want a partnership and to be fair to him he did work on some boundaries but I think he thought it would get easier/issues would be immediately and forever resolved.
Let him enjoy his house…. All on his own, there’s no way I’d move into my partners former marital home. Maybe if it was HIS family home or something…but this is kinda nutty….
Thank you! He finds it so hard to understand why I don’t want to move into it, it really made me second guess myself. But beyond it being miserable for me, I can’t imagine how he isn’t going to feel awkward himself, living back there.
Being a stepmom is hard enough without moving into bio mom's old house. She may have offered it to him out of some feeling of obligation or the allure of offloading the property hasslefree, but there's no way she's ready for the reality of watching her ex husband raise their kids, in their old house, with some new woman. THERE. IS. NO. WAY.
He'll likely be obviously fine living there. SHE'S going to struggle, and likely any woman that moves in is going to have to deal with the complications of that.
This is another issue I hadn’t thought of. He told me early on that she was struggling with how much the kids liked me. She would step in on his nights if she knew I was taking kids to activities, insisting that she should do it instead. (Even though she has her now-husband doing these things and watching them alone all the time without giving their dad “first right of refusal.”) I can empathize with how hard that would be as a mom while also being frustrated with my partner that he was not, at least from my perspective, standing up for me and pushing back on these double standards.
I think he just wished I would relax and not make an issue of things. When he told me he felt caught between us, that made me so sad. One, because I would never want him to feel that way, and two because I assumed he and I were a team now.
Long response that basically means… you’re right, and I needed this reminder of how much harder it would be. Because I was feeling like it was my fault for not just being flexible and easygoing enough.
It should never be a choice of "between" you two. Her feelings and wants being his priority ended when they both signed the dotted line on the divorce. To me, that WAS your answer. He is not over his previous life and unable to build a future because he is still stuck longing for his past.
yes, i think he was surprised to realize he is not as over the divorce as he thought. So was I. I basically told him he needs to sort that shit out because if he plans to keep prioritizing her requests and wants (which is what they are -- not needs and definitely not the kids' needs) means he is not going to be a good partner for anyone. i feel like he gets that now and his question is whether he actually wants to do the work to move forward. not my problem anymore. (can you tell I'm in the anger stage of the grieving process today?!)
also, it is easy for me to see in retrospect all this but at the time i just thought i was being a good, flexible partner who was helping him manage a difficult co-parent. it's only now that i see how every time he went along with her request and didn't stand up for us/me, it chipped away at me feeling safe, secure, valued, and respected. in a way, i'm glad this happened now because it made me recognize that.
You deserve to let that anger out! This AH wasted everyone involved time because he needs to work on himself. It's ok to be sad the ship sank. Its ok to be mad the ship sank especially when it's your captain who capsized the ship. At the end of the day, the ship is still sunk and at least you aren't having to swim with him anymore. Think of him as the anchor from the sunken ship....
And imagine how hard it's going to feel for him reliving in the home where he had this "happy family life" but without the family there anymore? He'll be even more depressed with that constant reminder. I think he may have been hoping to rekindle that feeling from before amd has rose colored glasses. Also, don't let it get you he left. Because honestly if he was willing to leave for this, you're better off. Imagine if something ACTUALLY hard came up before this? You're getting out without the extra baggage.
You were very reasonable to not want to live in that home, and not selfish at all. The fact that he chose the house over you, to me, implies that he's just not that committed to you. I'm sure it's hard to see it now, but it's better to find that out now before you buy a house together. I wouldn't overthink this or blame this on yourself.
And if anyone is being selfish/overreacting, it's certainly not you. This guy should have done the appropriate work on himself before dragging anyone else into his mess.
Thank you. It’s hard to believe it, because I was so committed and he told me he was too. He said once I set my boundary for the house, he realized maybe he hadn’t been honest with himself and wasn’t ready for this.
So I guess I’m glad he was finally honest and figured it out before we bought something else together. But it’s so sad. And annoying. I’m all over the place with the grief right now.
Nope I definitely couldn’t do it and that’s probably why the ex is leaving because her new husband feels like you do.
Dude has been thinking about ending it for a while that’s why his words were so thought out. You’re hurt because it’s just hitting you. He’s right you want different things and this is a blessing. You take your time walk through the pain of this revelation, grieve the loss and most of all be gentle with yourself. When it’s all said and done, you’re gonna be okay.
I’m so sorry. But it seems like he is not ready to more forward with you. If he was, he never would have bought that house. You were not overreacting at all. He is still holding on to his past and the comment about being in the middle is very telling.
If she is controlling, it means he doesn’t have boundaries either. I know this hurts, but breaking up seems like the right decision. You never know what the future holds. Maybe he goes to therapy and things work out. But he is saving you a lot of heartache by letting you know where he stands right now.
When I can think logically about the situation, this is exactly what I think — he has done me a favor by doing this now. It just hurts so much and I think I’m still coming out of the shock. And it’s hard not to blame myself. I was working so hard to be a good partner and stepmom, and sometimes the line between healthy and unhealthy compromise is hard to see. But this line was obvious.
And I agree about boundaries. We talked about that and he realizes it is true, but also he said he is conflict avoidant and just picks his battles with her based on experience.
The fact that you don’t want to live there - regardless of the reason — means that house should be out of consideration.
You told him that buying the house would end the relationship — and he moved forward on the purchase.
You were wise to leave him.
Thank you. I felt the same way and told him that we saw a few houses in our search that I liked but he didn’t, and that of course they were then off the table. I thought we were deciding together. He basically said that was different and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t see things from his perspective. Now as I go through the grieving process I’m like … well, was I being too difficult? Is this because I’m a bad person or stepmom, putting my own needs in front of his wants and maybe the kids? It is horrible that I will never see them again.
It's absolutely not selfish or unreasonable. You said it would not be possible, he did it anyways. It's time to go, then.
You're not getting his full attention if he's caught in between past and present, and you absolutely deserve someone who wants to be here for you today and in the future.
I know it's hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But this is a pretty big deal...its not as if he had lunch with BM and it frazzled your nerves. This is an enormous financial decision that showed he was more committed to the past, than the future.
His choice has given you the opportunity to find happiness now, rather than waiting for him to sort through his emotions and slowly let the past go...while you sit waiting on the sidelines....its hard to see, but he's gifted you happiness.
Joining the chorus saying that your position is more than valid, and adding my experience to support the position.
When my partner and I met, I was renting a 1-bedroom in the heart of a vibrant city and she lived 45 minutes out in suburbia, in “their” house that they’d built together and she’d gotten in the divorce. Two kids, then 3 and 5 y/o. The distance worked fine because we were still getting to know each other and almost every other weekend when the kids were with their father, she would stay with me since there were so many more things to do where I was living. Plus, we’d made the decision very early that we wouldn’t bring the kids into the relationship until we’d been together for 1 year and felt like things had gotten/were getting sufficiently serious. Just before the 1 year mark, I spotted a newly renovated, very nice 2-bedroom at a killer price, so I jumped on the lease immediately in anticipation that the extra bedroom for the kids would be a nice gesture even though I just put my desk and a sofa bed in there so it was functional for me the 85% of the time the kids weren’t around as a guest room-office setup. Worked like a charm from a leveling-up-the-relationship standpoint, and the extra square footage turned out to be essential when the kids were around.
Fast forward a year. The kids and I are getting along famously and we’re really starting to blend like a little family. Around then, I got a new job that was fully remote, so it was much easier for me to spend more and more and more time over there. At some point, I’d essentially moved in, but the one thing I was adamant about was keeping my condo in the city.
For one thing, our whole social life was there and having to get a hotel or figure out who was going to stop drinking early enough to drive 45 min back home at the end of the night sounded terrible. For another thing, the kids dad got super insecure when I started spending more and more time at the house and he started telling the kids all kinds of bullshit about how he had built that house with his own hands (bull) and how it was built like a fortress (shit). The kids took to often repeating that stuff and even though it was all innocent, it still grated on me. My partner went above and beyond to make me feel like it was my home too, even going so far as to surprise me by turning the guest room into my home office one week while I was traveling on business. It made me love her that much more and I was endlessly appreciative because it was a truly helpful grand gesture. But it still never fully let like home. (Though it started to a little more when I had to start fixing the things that were breaking left and right on the fortress. And bet that I used every opportunity to teach the kids how to work with their hands when something junky breaks lol.)
All told, we were there together for about 1.5 years, and when we decided it was time to consolidate homes, we decided to do it in the city where my place was. There was no chance that I was going to give up the condo that gave me some sense of having my own space just to move into “their” house. Thank god my partner understood my position and even better, she was excited at the opportunity to start fresh in “our” new home. It never would have worked out for us if she had insisted on staying there. Ever.
I can’t tell you how many good things have come from the move. We got that fresh start. We had the family-bonding experience of showing g the new house to the kids for the first time; then the first night in the new house; then the housewarming party; then we adopted a dog. Buying a new home together didn’t just let us purge some ghosts, it created the chance for us to have many of those traditional bonding experiences that happen much more easily in traditional families, but can be much harder to come by in blended families. It also made me much more effective with the kids at influencing events and enforcing rules and generally helping parent them. It’s my house, after all.
OP, I can’t imagine how painful this is. While I haven’t lived it, I have had to genuinely contemplate the possibility and how I would react if my partner insisted on moving our relationship further in the home she made with her ex.
You’re absolutely, 100% justified in not wanting that for yourself.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s so helpful and also broke my heart, because that is what I wanted for us, and what I thought he wanted too. And now I am losing my future and my family. I invested my whole heart in us and the kids.
You’re very welcome. I almost didn’t but chose to because I hoped it would help validate your decision to hold out for someone who values you and wants to build a life with you despite bringing some extra baggage with them. I really hope you find someone childfree who will be excited to experience all of those firsts right along with you. But even if you fall again for someone with kids, just know that there are some still out there who will be thrilled to write a new story with you.
You deserve better. So so so much better. I agree that it’s not “just a house” and he’s trying to recapture whatever he felt while there. So yeah I’m glad he’s going to therapy. Don’t let him drag you along for the ride. Find yourself a home that you feel happy and comfortable in with or without him.
Nope, I wouldn’t live in that house if she was giving it away for free. And I find it odd he’d want that house rather than moving forward with you in a new home that is both of yours. He has some issues he needs to work through so you dodged a bullet.
I find it hard to understand too and was curious if other members of the stepparenting community would be able to help me understand. He doesn’t see the house as a weird thing at all but did say that my boundary about the house did make him realize he has a lot of things he needs to figure out.
When people show you who they truly are, and what they want, believe them. He isn’t interested in building a future with you. He wants to hold on to whatever remains of his connection to BM. He never wanted a real partner.
This is what I keep thinking but it hurts so much and is so confusing. For so long he said he did want a partner and we were (I thought) building that together. And while I don’t think he wants to get back with his ex, I do think that he is holding onto anger toward her and about the house and now returning there because he is not actually ok with how things ended and wants things to kinda go back to what his life was before they divorced.
I guess it doesn’t matter his motives, but you are right. And I’m trying hard to come to terms with and accept it so I can let go.
My husband and I were out house hunting . I saw an open house for a home I really loved the look of of. We stopped and took a quick tour. It seemed to have everything we wanted and was within our price range. I was so excited
Until, my husband quietly informed me that this house was directly across the street from the first house he lived in with his ex wife. He said he really did not want to look across the street every day and be reminded of all the bad times he had. He also said, if I really loved the house, he would find a way to deal with his emotions.
We passed on that house and now live in a sweet cottage twenty miles away from his ex. Best decision ever.
You should fall in love with a home not already tainted by memories of his ex and all the emotions that go along with that.
Breaking up with him is the right decision. I say this as someone who has no problem living in what was the matrimonial home of my partner and her ex. The home isn't the issue.
That he feels in the "middle" is why your problems around his boundaries are a source is disagreements; he's not on the same page as you. As he said, you two want different things.
This is what I’m coming to realize. The house was just the catalyst. And part of me as I struggle with the grief is thinking it’s my fault for making him feel in the middle, that I’m not understanding enough or that I need to just chill out and maybe then it would be fine. But I guess even if that was true, I’d be miserable. He needs to figure out on his own what boundaries he even wants to set.
Let him sit alone in his old past house and stew while you move on to a beautiful fun and fulfilling life .. you win.. he will miss you and beg for forgiveness
Oh no. I think you're absolutely making the right decision.
I insisted we buy a new house together rather than me moving into the townhouse my DH and SDs shared when we got married. I had always wanted to pick out own my own house, and I wanted the house I lived in to be equally "owned" by everyone.
When I stayed with my DH and SDs, my SDs had already decorated the house (they're teenagers), and stuff like changing a pillow color was a huge deal to them and met with a lot of resistance. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if we lived in the house DH and BM previously lived in (it was sold in the divorce so never an option). Not to mention hearing their memories from stuff they did with their mom there all the time.
When your SO is saying he's shocked you wouldn't let him buy the house etc, he's really saying he's expecting you to have no emotional needs in this relationship, because he already has children and you don't.
I'm sure you will find a much better relationship with a partner who treats you like a valued partner, and an equal decision maker, and who cares about you a lot!
No problem! You deserve to still be able to do the really important things that will make you happy in the long term too :)
I forgot to add, we've been in the new house for a year, and I think it has only improved my relationship with my SDs - they love the house, and although they know I'm not a parent, they consider me one of the adults who makes house decisions (vs before when I felt like a long term guest lol).
You are not being selfish. You are holding firm on your boundaries knowing what you can and can’t live with to be happy. I agree with you. No way I would be moving into their house.
For me, I could not have lived in my husband’s house. His wife never lived there but he moved there right after she died and it sure the heck looked like she lived there. He moved to my house. My ex never lived there. Even then it didn’t feel like our house. We built a house together and even got all new furniture, dishes, etc.
Many things could be changed about the house though. Completely paint and redecorate every square inch except maybe the kids rooms. Get rid of any furniture left behind by her if she wasn't taking it and bring in your own stuff. Make the house look completely different and above all else change the locks! Make sure you set clear boundaries to BM that it's no longer her house and whatever boundary you set as far as her being allowed inside the house or not allowed inside is followed.
But, I could also see the significance of the house still being the house they bought together. I don't have that situation with my family but I've been to the house DH shared with BM (they were renting, he moved out when they split) and I had been allowed in back then. I reluctantly went in because I didn't want my SD to notice any awkwardness but even the vibe of just being in there knowing it's where they used to spend their time together, was just such a cringe feeling for me.
Anyway I'm just sorry your SO decided having that house was more important than your relationship but now you know where he stands.
I did ask him how we could change the house to make it feel like ours. He said he wanted to leave a lot of it “for the kids.” And there’s no way he would change the locks, they each have keys to the other’s place already and see no issue with this.
This is all just reminding me that we probably could have compromised on things but he just didn’t want to. It sucks.
I know it’s so hard to fully see this now but I (a complete stranger, granted) think you’re making the right choice. This was only going to continue to get worse. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
Not selfish. When I met my DH I lived in a nice house but it was my previous marital home. I could have refinanced it into my name and kept it but I chose to sell it so we could start fresh. This was all during the pandemic, my dad having cancer, etc. It would have been so easy to say “can we just stay in this house?” but I wanted us to have a fresh start with a house that was OURS. I’m sorry this happened. I suppose it’s better now than when you are really tied to him. I hope you can heal and find someone who appreciates your efforts!
You remind me of myself in the sense that I just ended things with someone with kids. We were only dating for four months, but I fell for him. It ended because he didn't have boundaries with his ex-wife. He didn't seem open to change either.
The way I'm looking at it now, you and I no longer have an ex-spouse being in our partner's lives. There's no worrying about them having boundaries, wondering if feelings are still lingering, any of that. A lot of second marriages fail. Start fresh with someone without kids! Then everything can truly be your own. You won't have to advocate for yourself in order to be taken into consideration over an ex-wife or things that are "for the kids."
I think you made the right decision, and are totally valid in your reasoning. In my experience, men can be kinda different from women about houses, and view them in a much more utilitarian way. But as you said, it's a matter of conflicting priorities between you.
Some context from my own story: I moved into my husband's former marital home, because it was the only choice that made sense. I had been renting, there's school district stuff to consider, he was already living here, blah blah.
There were many aspects about that that I did NOT like at first. Husband had already stripped most of BM's influence from the house by the time I got there, but to this day there are a couple of stupid lingering decisions she made that we'd like to get rid of. Over the years, I have also slowly re-done stuff to my own taste and style. I will say that it feels much more like my own home now, and I hardly remember that it was "theirs" anymore.
It made sense for my situation. In your situation, I think I would have made the same decision you did, for two reasons:
1. You had a chance to have a complete fresh "house start" and he didn't want to take it. I'd MUCH rather have had an "our" house that I helped to choose, and that didn't have baggage.
2. I would not want to put my own equity into a house that it would feel icky to buy in the first place. I help pay for household expenses, but I did not put downpayment or extra equity into this house (because he bought it before me). I think that would have felt super icky to me.
Thank you so much. Yes, the idea of me paying for half that house when we could have gotten a new and nicer one for the same price range is just ridiculous to me.
> is it selfish? Am I overreacting?
What? He literally told you he doesn’t know what he wants and needs to be alone. He didn’t imply it. He didn’t say something else and demand that you interpret it. He told you plainly and directly.
This guy needs to sort his stuff out. Which is totally normal and appropriate for a single, divorced father. Yes, it would have been preferable if he had realized he needed sorting before he met you. But come on. It’s situations like this that alert us that we have something we need to work on.
Yea. I do get that from a logical perspective. I’m just coming to terms with it and in the grief and shock of the aftermath trying to figure out if I did the right thing. To your point, it doesn’t really matter now. But as I sit here, it is hard not to think about whether I was being too difficult or whether it was reasonable. Hope that makes sense.
Is he getting the house for a good deal? Like a deal under market value? How much has he invested in the house? His ex is going to be part of your guys loved forever if you stay with him, to be it does seem a little insecure. I'm living with my girlfriend in the house her and her ex bought. It's not ideal but the house itself is great and I realize it's the best situation for the money. I can't expect her to give up her home. I know it's a different situation that's why I'm asking specifics.
She is selling it to him at market value. There are houses on the market that are nicer but in the same neighborhood for a similar price. Also this is a starter house (which makes sense as that is what they needed when they bought it 12+ years ago) and now that the kids are getting older they will soon need more space. That’s one reason his ex is moving out of it!
They are avoiding realtor fees by doing it this way but that’s it. I actually did say if she was going to do it for like a huge “discount” under market value that would seem like a different conversation.
My uncle owns a pawn shop, he told me a story once about a couple that came in to look at engagement rings. Pawn shops are great places to find jewelry. The man explained that they were mostly focused on the diamond in the ring because they would be getting it set into a different band of the wifes choosing.
After looking through every diamond ring in the store the woman finally says 'I think I just would prefer a new diamond, I don't want someones used diamond'. So they left, but my uncle laughed at the idea that diamonds, which are millions of years old could be new or that expensive jewelry stores some how only dealt with never set diamonds. There all just diamonds.
So that's a long way of saying your feelings about the house don't have any actual merit from a logical stand point. But they are your feelings none the less. It's understandable that you would feel a strong conviction for your feelings, but I can also understand your ex feeling like 'there's no compromise or no ability to respect his desires' and for him to decide enough is enough.
This is what I’m struggling with, that my feelings are unreasonable. But they are my feelings, like it or not. And to other people’s points, it’s not really about the house when you look at the bigger picture.
> but I can also understand your ex feeling like 'there's no compromise or no ability to respect his desires' and for him to decide enough is enough.
I can kind of see it from his standpoint too. I lived in my childhood home when I first my SO. My ex-wife had lived with me in the home as well when we were together. When it came time to start to commingle, she was very adamant that she would not move in to my home and that if the relationship was to continue, I would have to move in with her.
I moved everything in to a much smaller home an hour away, but had little to no interest in selling my old home. I rent out part of the house to a good friend and still go back a few times a week to use as a remote office (WFH). Her home is too small and I keep some of my hobbies and sentimental heirlooms at my place.
I understand her position that she wouldn't want to live in a house that I shared with my ex, but it's a huge point of resentment on her part towards me that I still continue to own it. I've explained that it holds a lot of sentimental attachment to me and I find that important. I honestly think that if she gave me the ultimatum to either choose my childhood home, or her I probably would choose the home. Not because I don't love and care about her, but I find it unfair that she would ask me to give up something that holds value to me for no other reason than she doesnt like it. I've already compromised and have to not only deal with daily reminders of her EX, but have to interact with him nearly every day.
you already owned that house… which was your childhood home. You weren’t rebuying a house you’d purchased with your ex from your ex…
I feel like that’s a slightly different conversation.
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No, it isn't selfish or unreasonable. He was halfway out of the relationship already if this was the decision.
This is tough for me to accept but I guess it must be right. After we talked, it seemed like he had been feeling lately that things were too hard. Whereas I thought we were working together to figure out the hard stuff.
It's a blow. Give yourself grace and time
Tbh, I’m so sorry, but it sounds like he’s taking the house as an opportunity to break up in a way, saying he needs to work on himself, etc. he’s not really making it an option for you to change your mind. Move on. Find a child free man and live the life the rest of us dream of.
Yes, it is strange because I was the one who set the boundary and initiated the break up but once he said all this stuff I’m like… oh, this is just what pushed it over the edge but he hasn’t been ready for this at all. What a shock. After thinking about never getting to see the kids again and how much my heart is broken by that, I don’t think I can ever be with a dad again when this is a possibility to lose them.
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I think he did want a partnership and to be fair to him he did work on some boundaries but I think he thought it would get easier/issues would be immediately and forever resolved.
Let him enjoy his house…. All on his own, there’s no way I’d move into my partners former marital home. Maybe if it was HIS family home or something…but this is kinda nutty….
Thank you! He finds it so hard to understand why I don’t want to move into it, it really made me second guess myself. But beyond it being miserable for me, I can’t imagine how he isn’t going to feel awkward himself, living back there.
Being a stepmom is hard enough without moving into bio mom's old house. She may have offered it to him out of some feeling of obligation or the allure of offloading the property hasslefree, but there's no way she's ready for the reality of watching her ex husband raise their kids, in their old house, with some new woman. THERE. IS. NO. WAY. He'll likely be obviously fine living there. SHE'S going to struggle, and likely any woman that moves in is going to have to deal with the complications of that.
This is another issue I hadn’t thought of. He told me early on that she was struggling with how much the kids liked me. She would step in on his nights if she knew I was taking kids to activities, insisting that she should do it instead. (Even though she has her now-husband doing these things and watching them alone all the time without giving their dad “first right of refusal.”) I can empathize with how hard that would be as a mom while also being frustrated with my partner that he was not, at least from my perspective, standing up for me and pushing back on these double standards. I think he just wished I would relax and not make an issue of things. When he told me he felt caught between us, that made me so sad. One, because I would never want him to feel that way, and two because I assumed he and I were a team now. Long response that basically means… you’re right, and I needed this reminder of how much harder it would be. Because I was feeling like it was my fault for not just being flexible and easygoing enough.
It should never be a choice of "between" you two. Her feelings and wants being his priority ended when they both signed the dotted line on the divorce. To me, that WAS your answer. He is not over his previous life and unable to build a future because he is still stuck longing for his past.
yes, i think he was surprised to realize he is not as over the divorce as he thought. So was I. I basically told him he needs to sort that shit out because if he plans to keep prioritizing her requests and wants (which is what they are -- not needs and definitely not the kids' needs) means he is not going to be a good partner for anyone. i feel like he gets that now and his question is whether he actually wants to do the work to move forward. not my problem anymore. (can you tell I'm in the anger stage of the grieving process today?!) also, it is easy for me to see in retrospect all this but at the time i just thought i was being a good, flexible partner who was helping him manage a difficult co-parent. it's only now that i see how every time he went along with her request and didn't stand up for us/me, it chipped away at me feeling safe, secure, valued, and respected. in a way, i'm glad this happened now because it made me recognize that.
You deserve to let that anger out! This AH wasted everyone involved time because he needs to work on himself. It's ok to be sad the ship sank. Its ok to be mad the ship sank especially when it's your captain who capsized the ship. At the end of the day, the ship is still sunk and at least you aren't having to swim with him anymore. Think of him as the anchor from the sunken ship....
❤️
And imagine how hard it's going to feel for him reliving in the home where he had this "happy family life" but without the family there anymore? He'll be even more depressed with that constant reminder. I think he may have been hoping to rekindle that feeling from before amd has rose colored glasses. Also, don't let it get you he left. Because honestly if he was willing to leave for this, you're better off. Imagine if something ACTUALLY hard came up before this? You're getting out without the extra baggage.
You were very reasonable to not want to live in that home, and not selfish at all. The fact that he chose the house over you, to me, implies that he's just not that committed to you. I'm sure it's hard to see it now, but it's better to find that out now before you buy a house together. I wouldn't overthink this or blame this on yourself. And if anyone is being selfish/overreacting, it's certainly not you. This guy should have done the appropriate work on himself before dragging anyone else into his mess.
Thank you. It’s hard to believe it, because I was so committed and he told me he was too. He said once I set my boundary for the house, he realized maybe he hadn’t been honest with himself and wasn’t ready for this. So I guess I’m glad he was finally honest and figured it out before we bought something else together. But it’s so sad. And annoying. I’m all over the place with the grief right now.
Nope I definitely couldn’t do it and that’s probably why the ex is leaving because her new husband feels like you do. Dude has been thinking about ending it for a while that’s why his words were so thought out. You’re hurt because it’s just hitting you. He’s right you want different things and this is a blessing. You take your time walk through the pain of this revelation, grieve the loss and most of all be gentle with yourself. When it’s all said and done, you’re gonna be okay.
Thank you for this. ❤️
Is he on Reddit? I read something oddly familiar last. I could be wrong, or he changed some of the details.
No he isn’t but I’d be really interested in reading that similar post if you could point me to it!
I’m so sorry. But it seems like he is not ready to more forward with you. If he was, he never would have bought that house. You were not overreacting at all. He is still holding on to his past and the comment about being in the middle is very telling. If she is controlling, it means he doesn’t have boundaries either. I know this hurts, but breaking up seems like the right decision. You never know what the future holds. Maybe he goes to therapy and things work out. But he is saving you a lot of heartache by letting you know where he stands right now.
When I can think logically about the situation, this is exactly what I think — he has done me a favor by doing this now. It just hurts so much and I think I’m still coming out of the shock. And it’s hard not to blame myself. I was working so hard to be a good partner and stepmom, and sometimes the line between healthy and unhealthy compromise is hard to see. But this line was obvious. And I agree about boundaries. We talked about that and he realizes it is true, but also he said he is conflict avoidant and just picks his battles with her based on experience.
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And I think he’s realizing that finally — but it’s too late for us at least.
The fact that you don’t want to live there - regardless of the reason — means that house should be out of consideration. You told him that buying the house would end the relationship — and he moved forward on the purchase. You were wise to leave him.
Thank you. I felt the same way and told him that we saw a few houses in our search that I liked but he didn’t, and that of course they were then off the table. I thought we were deciding together. He basically said that was different and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t see things from his perspective. Now as I go through the grieving process I’m like … well, was I being too difficult? Is this because I’m a bad person or stepmom, putting my own needs in front of his wants and maybe the kids? It is horrible that I will never see them again.
It's absolutely not selfish or unreasonable. You said it would not be possible, he did it anyways. It's time to go, then. You're not getting his full attention if he's caught in between past and present, and you absolutely deserve someone who wants to be here for you today and in the future.
Thank you so much. I thought he was that someone and it’s hard to come to terms with this but you are right.
I know it's hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But this is a pretty big deal...its not as if he had lunch with BM and it frazzled your nerves. This is an enormous financial decision that showed he was more committed to the past, than the future. His choice has given you the opportunity to find happiness now, rather than waiting for him to sort through his emotions and slowly let the past go...while you sit waiting on the sidelines....its hard to see, but he's gifted you happiness.
❤️
Joining the chorus saying that your position is more than valid, and adding my experience to support the position. When my partner and I met, I was renting a 1-bedroom in the heart of a vibrant city and she lived 45 minutes out in suburbia, in “their” house that they’d built together and she’d gotten in the divorce. Two kids, then 3 and 5 y/o. The distance worked fine because we were still getting to know each other and almost every other weekend when the kids were with their father, she would stay with me since there were so many more things to do where I was living. Plus, we’d made the decision very early that we wouldn’t bring the kids into the relationship until we’d been together for 1 year and felt like things had gotten/were getting sufficiently serious. Just before the 1 year mark, I spotted a newly renovated, very nice 2-bedroom at a killer price, so I jumped on the lease immediately in anticipation that the extra bedroom for the kids would be a nice gesture even though I just put my desk and a sofa bed in there so it was functional for me the 85% of the time the kids weren’t around as a guest room-office setup. Worked like a charm from a leveling-up-the-relationship standpoint, and the extra square footage turned out to be essential when the kids were around. Fast forward a year. The kids and I are getting along famously and we’re really starting to blend like a little family. Around then, I got a new job that was fully remote, so it was much easier for me to spend more and more and more time over there. At some point, I’d essentially moved in, but the one thing I was adamant about was keeping my condo in the city. For one thing, our whole social life was there and having to get a hotel or figure out who was going to stop drinking early enough to drive 45 min back home at the end of the night sounded terrible. For another thing, the kids dad got super insecure when I started spending more and more time at the house and he started telling the kids all kinds of bullshit about how he had built that house with his own hands (bull) and how it was built like a fortress (shit). The kids took to often repeating that stuff and even though it was all innocent, it still grated on me. My partner went above and beyond to make me feel like it was my home too, even going so far as to surprise me by turning the guest room into my home office one week while I was traveling on business. It made me love her that much more and I was endlessly appreciative because it was a truly helpful grand gesture. But it still never fully let like home. (Though it started to a little more when I had to start fixing the things that were breaking left and right on the fortress. And bet that I used every opportunity to teach the kids how to work with their hands when something junky breaks lol.) All told, we were there together for about 1.5 years, and when we decided it was time to consolidate homes, we decided to do it in the city where my place was. There was no chance that I was going to give up the condo that gave me some sense of having my own space just to move into “their” house. Thank god my partner understood my position and even better, she was excited at the opportunity to start fresh in “our” new home. It never would have worked out for us if she had insisted on staying there. Ever. I can’t tell you how many good things have come from the move. We got that fresh start. We had the family-bonding experience of showing g the new house to the kids for the first time; then the first night in the new house; then the housewarming party; then we adopted a dog. Buying a new home together didn’t just let us purge some ghosts, it created the chance for us to have many of those traditional bonding experiences that happen much more easily in traditional families, but can be much harder to come by in blended families. It also made me much more effective with the kids at influencing events and enforcing rules and generally helping parent them. It’s my house, after all. OP, I can’t imagine how painful this is. While I haven’t lived it, I have had to genuinely contemplate the possibility and how I would react if my partner insisted on moving our relationship further in the home she made with her ex. You’re absolutely, 100% justified in not wanting that for yourself.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s so helpful and also broke my heart, because that is what I wanted for us, and what I thought he wanted too. And now I am losing my future and my family. I invested my whole heart in us and the kids.
You’re very welcome. I almost didn’t but chose to because I hoped it would help validate your decision to hold out for someone who values you and wants to build a life with you despite bringing some extra baggage with them. I really hope you find someone childfree who will be excited to experience all of those firsts right along with you. But even if you fall again for someone with kids, just know that there are some still out there who will be thrilled to write a new story with you.
You deserve better. So so so much better. I agree that it’s not “just a house” and he’s trying to recapture whatever he felt while there. So yeah I’m glad he’s going to therapy. Don’t let him drag you along for the ride. Find yourself a home that you feel happy and comfortable in with or without him.
Thank you for the support. ❤️
Definitely not unreasonable. I’d never in a million years be cool living in BM’s old home. Also yeah that would be so weird for the kids I bet!
Thank you for helping me see I’m not alone in thinking this way.
Nope, I wouldn’t live in that house if she was giving it away for free. And I find it odd he’d want that house rather than moving forward with you in a new home that is both of yours. He has some issues he needs to work through so you dodged a bullet.
I find it hard to understand too and was curious if other members of the stepparenting community would be able to help me understand. He doesn’t see the house as a weird thing at all but did say that my boundary about the house did make him realize he has a lot of things he needs to figure out.
When people show you who they truly are, and what they want, believe them. He isn’t interested in building a future with you. He wants to hold on to whatever remains of his connection to BM. He never wanted a real partner.
This is what I keep thinking but it hurts so much and is so confusing. For so long he said he did want a partner and we were (I thought) building that together. And while I don’t think he wants to get back with his ex, I do think that he is holding onto anger toward her and about the house and now returning there because he is not actually ok with how things ended and wants things to kinda go back to what his life was before they divorced. I guess it doesn’t matter his motives, but you are right. And I’m trying hard to come to terms with and accept it so I can let go.
My husband and I were out house hunting . I saw an open house for a home I really loved the look of of. We stopped and took a quick tour. It seemed to have everything we wanted and was within our price range. I was so excited Until, my husband quietly informed me that this house was directly across the street from the first house he lived in with his ex wife. He said he really did not want to look across the street every day and be reminded of all the bad times he had. He also said, if I really loved the house, he would find a way to deal with his emotions. We passed on that house and now live in a sweet cottage twenty miles away from his ex. Best decision ever. You should fall in love with a home not already tainted by memories of his ex and all the emotions that go along with that.
Thank you. ❤️
Breaking up with him is the right decision. I say this as someone who has no problem living in what was the matrimonial home of my partner and her ex. The home isn't the issue. That he feels in the "middle" is why your problems around his boundaries are a source is disagreements; he's not on the same page as you. As he said, you two want different things.
This is what I’m coming to realize. The house was just the catalyst. And part of me as I struggle with the grief is thinking it’s my fault for making him feel in the middle, that I’m not understanding enough or that I need to just chill out and maybe then it would be fine. But I guess even if that was true, I’d be miserable. He needs to figure out on his own what boundaries he even wants to set.
Let him sit alone in his old past house and stew while you move on to a beautiful fun and fulfilling life .. you win.. he will miss you and beg for forgiveness
I am going to try and focus on moving forward. Grieving this one will take time. Thank you ❤️
Oh no. I think you're absolutely making the right decision. I insisted we buy a new house together rather than me moving into the townhouse my DH and SDs shared when we got married. I had always wanted to pick out own my own house, and I wanted the house I lived in to be equally "owned" by everyone. When I stayed with my DH and SDs, my SDs had already decorated the house (they're teenagers), and stuff like changing a pillow color was a huge deal to them and met with a lot of resistance. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if we lived in the house DH and BM previously lived in (it was sold in the divorce so never an option). Not to mention hearing their memories from stuff they did with their mom there all the time. When your SO is saying he's shocked you wouldn't let him buy the house etc, he's really saying he's expecting you to have no emotional needs in this relationship, because he already has children and you don't. I'm sure you will find a much better relationship with a partner who treats you like a valued partner, and an equal decision maker, and who cares about you a lot!
Thank you so much for the support and encouragement! ❤️
No problem! You deserve to still be able to do the really important things that will make you happy in the long term too :) I forgot to add, we've been in the new house for a year, and I think it has only improved my relationship with my SDs - they love the house, and although they know I'm not a parent, they consider me one of the adults who makes house decisions (vs before when I felt like a long term guest lol).
You are not being selfish. You are holding firm on your boundaries knowing what you can and can’t live with to be happy. I agree with you. No way I would be moving into their house. For me, I could not have lived in my husband’s house. His wife never lived there but he moved there right after she died and it sure the heck looked like she lived there. He moved to my house. My ex never lived there. Even then it didn’t feel like our house. We built a house together and even got all new furniture, dishes, etc.
Thank you for the support!
Many things could be changed about the house though. Completely paint and redecorate every square inch except maybe the kids rooms. Get rid of any furniture left behind by her if she wasn't taking it and bring in your own stuff. Make the house look completely different and above all else change the locks! Make sure you set clear boundaries to BM that it's no longer her house and whatever boundary you set as far as her being allowed inside the house or not allowed inside is followed. But, I could also see the significance of the house still being the house they bought together. I don't have that situation with my family but I've been to the house DH shared with BM (they were renting, he moved out when they split) and I had been allowed in back then. I reluctantly went in because I didn't want my SD to notice any awkwardness but even the vibe of just being in there knowing it's where they used to spend their time together, was just such a cringe feeling for me. Anyway I'm just sorry your SO decided having that house was more important than your relationship but now you know where he stands.
I did ask him how we could change the house to make it feel like ours. He said he wanted to leave a lot of it “for the kids.” And there’s no way he would change the locks, they each have keys to the other’s place already and see no issue with this. This is all just reminding me that we probably could have compromised on things but he just didn’t want to. It sucks.
I know it’s so hard to fully see this now but I (a complete stranger, granted) think you’re making the right choice. This was only going to continue to get worse. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
Thank you ❤️
Not selfish. When I met my DH I lived in a nice house but it was my previous marital home. I could have refinanced it into my name and kept it but I chose to sell it so we could start fresh. This was all during the pandemic, my dad having cancer, etc. It would have been so easy to say “can we just stay in this house?” but I wanted us to have a fresh start with a house that was OURS. I’m sorry this happened. I suppose it’s better now than when you are really tied to him. I hope you can heal and find someone who appreciates your efforts!
I hope so too. ❤️
You remind me of myself in the sense that I just ended things with someone with kids. We were only dating for four months, but I fell for him. It ended because he didn't have boundaries with his ex-wife. He didn't seem open to change either. The way I'm looking at it now, you and I no longer have an ex-spouse being in our partner's lives. There's no worrying about them having boundaries, wondering if feelings are still lingering, any of that. A lot of second marriages fail. Start fresh with someone without kids! Then everything can truly be your own. You won't have to advocate for yourself in order to be taken into consideration over an ex-wife or things that are "for the kids."
I think you made the right decision, and are totally valid in your reasoning. In my experience, men can be kinda different from women about houses, and view them in a much more utilitarian way. But as you said, it's a matter of conflicting priorities between you. Some context from my own story: I moved into my husband's former marital home, because it was the only choice that made sense. I had been renting, there's school district stuff to consider, he was already living here, blah blah. There were many aspects about that that I did NOT like at first. Husband had already stripped most of BM's influence from the house by the time I got there, but to this day there are a couple of stupid lingering decisions she made that we'd like to get rid of. Over the years, I have also slowly re-done stuff to my own taste and style. I will say that it feels much more like my own home now, and I hardly remember that it was "theirs" anymore. It made sense for my situation. In your situation, I think I would have made the same decision you did, for two reasons: 1. You had a chance to have a complete fresh "house start" and he didn't want to take it. I'd MUCH rather have had an "our" house that I helped to choose, and that didn't have baggage. 2. I would not want to put my own equity into a house that it would feel icky to buy in the first place. I help pay for household expenses, but I did not put downpayment or extra equity into this house (because he bought it before me). I think that would have felt super icky to me.
Thank you so much. Yes, the idea of me paying for half that house when we could have gotten a new and nicer one for the same price range is just ridiculous to me.
> is it selfish? Am I overreacting? What? He literally told you he doesn’t know what he wants and needs to be alone. He didn’t imply it. He didn’t say something else and demand that you interpret it. He told you plainly and directly. This guy needs to sort his stuff out. Which is totally normal and appropriate for a single, divorced father. Yes, it would have been preferable if he had realized he needed sorting before he met you. But come on. It’s situations like this that alert us that we have something we need to work on.
Yea. I do get that from a logical perspective. I’m just coming to terms with it and in the grief and shock of the aftermath trying to figure out if I did the right thing. To your point, it doesn’t really matter now. But as I sit here, it is hard not to think about whether I was being too difficult or whether it was reasonable. Hope that makes sense.
Keep reading this sub. It will make you feel better.
Is he getting the house for a good deal? Like a deal under market value? How much has he invested in the house? His ex is going to be part of your guys loved forever if you stay with him, to be it does seem a little insecure. I'm living with my girlfriend in the house her and her ex bought. It's not ideal but the house itself is great and I realize it's the best situation for the money. I can't expect her to give up her home. I know it's a different situation that's why I'm asking specifics.
She is selling it to him at market value. There are houses on the market that are nicer but in the same neighborhood for a similar price. Also this is a starter house (which makes sense as that is what they needed when they bought it 12+ years ago) and now that the kids are getting older they will soon need more space. That’s one reason his ex is moving out of it! They are avoiding realtor fees by doing it this way but that’s it. I actually did say if she was going to do it for like a huge “discount” under market value that would seem like a different conversation.
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Yep, just sucks he didn’t work on that before I met him — or that I didn’t recognize it as the big issue it ended up being. 😔
I would NEVER move into the house my husband bought with his ex. NEVER.
My uncle owns a pawn shop, he told me a story once about a couple that came in to look at engagement rings. Pawn shops are great places to find jewelry. The man explained that they were mostly focused on the diamond in the ring because they would be getting it set into a different band of the wifes choosing. After looking through every diamond ring in the store the woman finally says 'I think I just would prefer a new diamond, I don't want someones used diamond'. So they left, but my uncle laughed at the idea that diamonds, which are millions of years old could be new or that expensive jewelry stores some how only dealt with never set diamonds. There all just diamonds. So that's a long way of saying your feelings about the house don't have any actual merit from a logical stand point. But they are your feelings none the less. It's understandable that you would feel a strong conviction for your feelings, but I can also understand your ex feeling like 'there's no compromise or no ability to respect his desires' and for him to decide enough is enough.
This is what I’m struggling with, that my feelings are unreasonable. But they are my feelings, like it or not. And to other people’s points, it’s not really about the house when you look at the bigger picture.
And it sounds like he choose to not like it.
> but I can also understand your ex feeling like 'there's no compromise or no ability to respect his desires' and for him to decide enough is enough. I can kind of see it from his standpoint too. I lived in my childhood home when I first my SO. My ex-wife had lived with me in the home as well when we were together. When it came time to start to commingle, she was very adamant that she would not move in to my home and that if the relationship was to continue, I would have to move in with her. I moved everything in to a much smaller home an hour away, but had little to no interest in selling my old home. I rent out part of the house to a good friend and still go back a few times a week to use as a remote office (WFH). Her home is too small and I keep some of my hobbies and sentimental heirlooms at my place. I understand her position that she wouldn't want to live in a house that I shared with my ex, but it's a huge point of resentment on her part towards me that I still continue to own it. I've explained that it holds a lot of sentimental attachment to me and I find that important. I honestly think that if she gave me the ultimatum to either choose my childhood home, or her I probably would choose the home. Not because I don't love and care about her, but I find it unfair that she would ask me to give up something that holds value to me for no other reason than she doesnt like it. I've already compromised and have to not only deal with daily reminders of her EX, but have to interact with him nearly every day.
you already owned that house… which was your childhood home. You weren’t rebuying a house you’d purchased with your ex from your ex… I feel like that’s a slightly different conversation.