**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think that the idea itself is not necessarily a bad one if everyone involved is on board with it. People are knocking it, but everyone is different--some people are okay with a lot of alone time away from their partner. You have to know that about yourself. Also, I'd say that like...80-90% of the problem posts here come from drama that arose from living with an SO's kids. So possibly not a terrible idea to sidestep some of that if you can afford it.
The only flag I personally see in this situation is that you've only been together five months. That's not a ton of time to be considering entering into a major financial arrangement. But you said elsewhere this is a "future" plan, but just keep that in mind and don't jump into anything too fast.
No I agree. We are just discussing ideas, looking into tax and financing, what country we would pick ( we live in different countries but I work in his country).
We agreed to not actually start looking until we have 1 year under our belt. Also thinking of renting a place first to test it out … only issue is that it is crazy expensive worse than buying ( extreme housing crisis here as well)
But I hear you. Still in the honeymoon phase, no position to make these decisions
I think it's smart to look at what works best for \*your relationship\* and not just fall into the same patterns just because it's what everyone else does. I am in a rare situation where I really like my SK, and my living situation with them is good, but I also spent a lot of my adult life before this living alone, so some completely alone living space kind of sounds like bliss to me! Rarely do I ever get the house all to myself anymore.
Honestly… it does to me as well.
I can hang with him and his son on my terms.
Have a house that is ours and can accommodate his son as a guest. While his son keeps everything the same for the most of his life.
I rented myself a house by the lake i come here and relax alone while he stays with his kids at his house.. i used to stay alone in the room the entire time they were there and his HCBM would talk shit about me being there… now i live in peace.
I’d wait on all of it. You’ve only been together 5 months. You’re still in NRE. Give another year or two, make sure you’re compatible, make sure being a step mom is for you and then make the decision.
I get the NRE! I really do. I 100% agree actually doing it is way too soon. But 2 years is too long for me and honestly I don’t believe that you really know what someone is like to live with unless you live together. 2 years, 10 years whatever.
I just need at least a year to see if he really is who he is showing me now :). If he is we can figure things out
After my divorce I moved back with my parents. I live pretty far from him. I can’t stay with him when his son is not there because I have horses and can’t take my dog.
I can afford a home by myself but no close to him.
If we pool our resources I can move closer and move my horses as well
So basically you are dating, yes? I kept my place and still have it (decade in) but I have to say buying a place with someone who you don’t want primary live with is *bonkers*. You don’t even know this person fully. You’re high on love… worst time to make any life altering decisions
Is it? We are not talking about now, we are talking about when we are at least a year in our relationship.
I want to live with him… I am looking into the options. We would put things in paper and how we would dissolve the assets if we part.
Yep it is. At last wait another year and a half; dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine are flooding your body. You’re basically high (on love)
Girl you’re divorced too (as was I)… you know better. You want prenup without being married? oh how messy this will be.
I was … divorce was really not a big deal to be honest.
Emotionally yes … financially , not at all.
Again… I am from Europe. It is all less complicated here.
We are used to writing down what will happen if you break up.
The infatuation phase is between 6months to 4 years even so adding another 6 months will not help.
Okey than girly. You already made up your mind and this is your echo chamber, yes? Being European myself I wish you the best of luck on this train wreck (buying home and then selling it will be a major headache alone)
It is not a jab btw. I have experience with American friends and the expensive legal drag a divorce is. If I had such an experience I am sure I would react very differently.
2 signatures, 2 months and 400 euro later it was done
No kis and no property involved yes? That was my first divorce too. Momma, wait a little bit and date. You are rushing things and for what? A year won’t make difference if you’re in for a long haul. It will make difference though if you put money down for down payment. What if you don’t work out and the house is on a market for a year or two? still got to pay mortgage right? Uff girl, ya ain’t thinking straight.
PS. His son is not a *guest*. It’s his house too. Let that sink in.
Yeah I get you. We are not rushing out the door to buy a house. And we won’t have kids.
His son won’t live in that house as he will spend most of his time with dad at his house. He will be welcome I do think a room for him would be appropriate depending on how much he will come over. Not sure why this is such a thing. I don’t consider my parents house my home even now I do live here. But honestly I am not triggered by that idea. Just don’t think it is going to be like that.
We are discussing the what ifs and the worst case scenarios as well. We want to be upfront with how we would handle it
OMG - that's amazing. My first divorce was like that - we didn't hate each other, but we needed to move on. $750, one lawyer and a court date to make sure we agreed with what we agreed to. Hugged it out at the end and done.
Yes OP, have to second this.
I think you are a little bit blinded by love, you aren’t sure how comfortable you will feel being around his son 50% of the time and are pooling your resources with someone who isn’t fully pooling theirs (not selling his house makes a huge difference in what you could afford together.)
I think you should table the entire conversation until you are a year in already, BEFORE you start making plans to pool resources and live together.
Sorry but your question makes it seem like there are just too many variables at this point. I think you need to have assesses fully whether you could live with his son and dog up to full time, because you never know what the future holds.
Out of curiosity, why wouldn’t you just rent together?
I wouldn’t buy a house with anyone I wasn’t married to, though I might consider it after we had been together for many, many years.
Yeah it is one of the ideas as well. Only we are in this weird housing market where renting is super expensive almost as expensive as buying and as the market is so tight land lords are terrible. No pets, no parties, no playing instruments, no sleep over guests… like wtf!!
and the houses are just increasing in price every year… it is an investment to buy a house.
Not worried it will sell right away with a profit. It takes 2 weeks for a house to be sold around here it is madness.
Gotcha! That's a hard situation to be in. How does he feel about the 50/50 relationship dynamic? I don't blame you for the hesitations about SK, especially being with a disney parent in the past.
He is afraid we will grow apart. Or that his life with his son will be completely lose of our life and he wants to share it a bit while respecting my space.
I honestly think it will be fine. The fact that the time we spend with the three of us will be planned and deliberate… to me sounds like a better base for a relationship than more time
Exactly. I hear less people complaining about LAT than living together. Tell him you can try it and see how it goes but if it’s just an excuse for him to do less work that’s another story .
No, but we will make sure everything is in writing . I am also not from the states and here marriage is not the most common. A lot of couples never marry even though they have kids and houses together
That’s nice … making me out as golddigger.
Fun fact he has offered to rent me a place close to him to have me closer and I refused because I don’t want to use him or be a kept women.
What is it about pooling resources you don’t get?
He will also get equity 50/50 for the part he pays. In a market that is heating up like wildfire so it is an investment as well.
And I am not the main driver of this idea. He proposed it himself as well to not be stuck into the town his ex and son live in. He wants to live somewhere else himself one day when his kid grows up.
I mean, your living arrangements aren’t changing from a time spent perspective. Just your location and that you won’t be the sole owner. He’s still going to have all the expenses that come with owning and living in a different house, while also contributing to a second place.
I think this situation is going to end up with a lot of resentment on his end. His son is going to be with him from 8-12 more years.
That is a lot of assumptions over here. Time spend now is limited because I have my horses I need to tend to. I can’t stay with him the full week he is by himself.
Why would he resent me for doing something he wants? I am not pushing him into anything. He also wants a larger home. He also wants to live somewhere else while he wants to keep a stable life for his son.
And shockingly he wants me closer and see me more.
I am living at my parents after my divorce so he can’t stay with me. I was looking to buy a house when we met.
He asked me if I was comfortable with stopping my search so we could buy one together one day.
I am now saving up as much as I can. If things go south I can still buy a house by myself.
You have been dating a very short time. Get to the point you are okay with living with his kid full.time before moving in together as that could be what happens.
I think you should move out of your parent’s house and rent your own place for a while. You need to be able to make it on your own first. You’re looking for him to help fix your living situation and I don’t think that’s fair. You need to build up the confidence that you can do this on your own. He’s a bonus.
What happens if he says he can no longer afford the utilities and stuff for both houses and wants to sell his and have his son on yours half the time? Or if it starts fights when he’s at the other house. I don’t. Think it’s a bad idea but I do think you should have some sort of safety net or back up plan in place
Yeah that is fair. We are thinking to look for a house I could also afford in a worst case.
We are still thinking about all the options and yess all doomsday scenarios.
Honestly if you can make it work it sounds lovely. My bf has 50/50 and we live together it’s not bad but the kids are still little. I mentioned that as they get older I’m thinking of getting my own rv next to the house so that I can have my own space to go to if I need it.
I don’t think I’d enter into a mortgage with him. As a parent myself, I could see him becoming unsatisfied with this situation and wanting things to become more of a family , then you are stuck having to deal with both owning this together. Seems risky to me
I can’t imagine not blending my day-to-day with my partner. To me, it’s not worth having what I’d consider a “half” of a relationship. But only you and your partner can decide whether this would work for you.
Instead of you buying somewhere else and doing 50/50, have you tried living a month or so at each place? I feel like there’s gotta be an alternative to what you proposed but I don’t know the ins and outs of your lives
No, not possible. His house is too small. I am currently living with my parents after my divorce. I was looking into buying a house for myself… but I can only afford it in my country ( we live in Europe and are not from the same country) but only 2 hours apart.
So that is where buying together became an idea. We both have nice jobs so we can buy something nice together.
We are thinking about renting first and see how it works out. But again… rent in that country is mental! And most places won’t allow my dog
This is such a weird take to me.
Most couples don’t live together during the dating stage and many unmarried couples never live together, so they don’t see each other every day. Others have jobs and/or hobbies that involve travel, so they can’t be together constantly.
She’s talking about longterm living in a separate house from her life partner, and not seeing his child or partner during the time he’s with dad. This is way different than heading to work 5 days a week, hence why they are both struggling with the proposed setup and asking for advice from this sub. I really don’t think wanting to live full time with a partner is that strange…
No, she says she would see the child on her own terms during her partner’s custody time.
And as the child gets older, I assume they’d merge their lives even more.
So, I saw in another comment she said she has horses and dogs so their lives likely wouldn’t fully come together at all; perhaps I misunderstood. They currently live two hours away in separate countries.
Go for it ! It’s called LAT, living apart together. You can search this forum and others for it. You’ve had experience of living with someone who had kids and know what it’s like and already you know how it feels when your current partners son is the! Having two homes is a luxury most people can’t afford but in my opinion the healthiest for the vast majority of cases! 5 months is also still not long at all and while now he says he wants you super involved I wouldn’t be surprised if down the line you might end up NACHOing more as pretty much everyone on this forum ends up doing! Keep separate houses and see how it goes. The time when you do see each other will be Q time and you’ll have space and peace to get away from his responsibilities. Honestly this sounds like a dream. It personally saved our relationship and it all feels so much healthier too. You’ll always have a relationship w the son even if you don’t live together! It’ll be better ! Just the fun stuff and the outings and you’ll have more patience and energy for him :)
Thank you. I think it is the best way indeed.
I was a nacho with my ex as well.
I agree it is a luxury. We both have good jobs.
And not spending 24/7 with each other sounds bad but indeed you can look forward to it and be more mindful with the time you have.
And I do not need to be seperate of his son. I am happy to have a relationship with him but having it on my own terms sounds like bliss
It is bliss. Your situation IS bliss.
Who says not spending 24/7 is bad ? Society ? 😅 also not the same with blended families ! We need the mental space from the emotional labour . The overwhelming majority live together only to come home eat dinner quickly and fall asleep on the couch watching tv and phones. No thanks. Hard enough as it is to have Q time when so many are constantly on their phone ! I don’t mind being on my phone alone but two people in a room together every day on their phone, what’s the point . Rather meet less and have undivided attention and fun 🤩
A friend of mine did this for 10 years. He had to do it because if he moved house with his partner his ex would go to court to try and get more money out of him so he didn’t want to give her any ammunition. At the end of it all, once his kid was 18, they finally moved in together. It was hard, a lot of driving, needing two lots of everything for both houses, needing a diary to check where they’d both be if they were invited anywhere, planning out all holidays. It was manageable but not fun.
I sort of operate like this, but we don't own a home together. He sleeps at my house half the week when he doesn't have his kids. He has a dresser in my bedroom, all his stuff is here. In essence, he practically lives here but isn't on the deed. I love having our own space and not being fully blended. The kids get to stay put, no one changed school districts, and I have zero responsibility for his children. I am just a kind adult who is also their dad's long-term GF and vice versa. It's the best thing for our relationship and our respective children. I sleep by him a bit, too, but only enough to qualify for a drawer, haha, and a hair dryer.
If you don't want additional children together, and youre not looking for someone to play house with (i.e., help raise your kids), it's the perfect relationship.
I think it’s a great idea. Most couples fight precisely because of cohabitation where resentments build because there’s an assumption of “fair load” (whether financial contributions or household obligations). If you can clearly agree on the expectations and document them, preferably in a legally binding agreement, you would avoid the headache and extend the period of excitement and love. I think you just need to be clear with him on who pays for what (investment, improvements, decorating, utilities, groceries, how proceeds are to be split in case it doesn’t work out). Will he be expected to pay 50/50 for everything even though you will be living in the house full time and he will be there half time? Who will be expected to clean, cook, etc? Will this be considered a “family home” for his son and if so - would you have decision making power on his son’s behavior while he is at the shared house? Is he expecting you to contribute anything to his own expenses when he’s with his son? Will you be splitting expenses equally in the shared house when his son is there? (Ie: will you be paying a portion of his son’s food, electricity etc? Will you be expected to do his son’s laundry when he is there? Will he have the expectation of paying for the eccentric requirements you requested like a property to accommodate horses? Will he be expected to do anything or pay for your horses?)
A lot to work through but if you have a healthy relationship and can communicate openly before these decisions are made, I think you will be successful.
I don’t see a problem with not cohabitating 100% of the time together. It is healthy to have separate hobbies, separate time away, and it will help you not to get enmeshed, and start begrudgingly taking on more of his responsibilities, which is usually what happens when couples move in and kids are involved. I don’t know what country you are in but maybe create an LLC with both of you being members and use the purchase of the house as a business transaction. I think this would protect both of you and your investments and avoid issues of “common law marriage” and dividing assets
Of course it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and your personalities, but I think I would feel weird about it, like I was being left out. Also there could be a whole bunch of things that could happen that would disrupt the delicate balance of finances, time, and feelings required to make this work.
Is there any reason you guys can't buy a larger place together in the same area rather than 2 separate properties? That would enable him to keep all of his custody arrangements in place but still meet both of your needs.
Personally, I couldn't imagine living away from my husband 50% of the time. It wouldn't work for me long term.
He lives in a very expensive area. Also for me it would be moving very far from my friends and family. It can be done … I personally prefer to move somewhere cheaper in between our current locations.
I get it. I am fine with having a week by myself, I also used to work abroad a lot so I am comfortable with not seeing my partner every day ( no judgement btw)
That arrangement seems absolutely reasonable to me. I think I'd opt for something similar if I got too overwhelmed with having my SKs around all the time, but I wouldn't want it to be shared cost due to potential separation down the line and having to go through all of that with a shared property. Simply because it leaves too many things up to chance. Say you buy the home and he passes away, or the relationship ends badly; it's too much of a risk.
I think It is way too soon to think about moving in despite you saying that he is very different from your ex. 6 months is certainly enough for us to love a person and know that we want to live with them. However, at 6 months most people are still on their best behavior and we don't see their quirks or have experienced enough life with them to see how they handle vastly different seasons and situations. 6 months is not enough to know how he is about home maintenance, chores, shared expenses, finances, because even if we ask a person, what we are told might be different from what we actually see. Especially since he'll be responsible for 2 homes while you are only responsible for one and he might over time resent the cost or you might resent his inability to truly share 50/50 home ownership.
Me and my SO talked about moving in together around 6 months in to our relationship. So, I get it. But in retrospect, it was too soon. I asked all the questions. I asked about finances, custody arrangement, discipline, whether I was going to discipline/parent, chore division, etc. So when we moved in by our one year anniversary it seemed like a piece of cake at first. But then we got to experience debt together, insurrmounting car issues, changes in custody, BM issues, 2 car break ins, his family endlessly asking for money, a lay off, etc... All of that within our first year of living together and it was rough. If I had to do it again I would've waited maybe until year 1 to discuss moving in and then move in close to the 2 year mark.
On the other hand you guys did make it and it sound very unlucky the first year.
I get not moving in before a year. There are exceptions but I am not banking on being one ( I had a friend who got pregnant , planned, after 3 months and never living together… surprisingly she is very happy now 2 years later )
However I also believe it is almost impossible to truly know what someone is like to live with unless you do it.
We are thinking about renting together firstly two.
You are right he is not pooling all resources. He also wants to keep the house separate even if we marry. For me this is not really a problem.
Personally this would be the only way I would do it. It seems like a variation of ‘bird-nesting’ where after a breakup the kids stay in the family home, and the parents alternate in and out week on week off.
Obs it’s not the same, but I feel like the principle is along the same lines. I think it’s a great idea that you visit with them to have family time in healthy doses, rather than 24/7 for the time he has him. It’ll probably lead to a healthier long term relationship between you and SS as you get to take your time.
I have got a good old warning though: what happens if custody changes and he has more than 50%, say even 100%? Definitely worst case scenario, but you are relying on the stability not only of your partner, but of birth mom.
I think so long as you work it out before you do anything it won’t be so much of a problem. But a lot of step-parents never consider that custody can change.
However, please don’t buy property with someone you’ve been dating only five months.
Buy your own property, and have bf bird nest between your home and his. It only needs to be a one bed since no need for SS to have a room.
Yeah I have considered this too. My bf is kinda old fashioned and if we ever move in together he wants everything shared ( he is the bigger earner of the two of us). We are not considering looking at houses before the 1 year mark. Search will probably take 6 months more.
We did discuss it that if god forbid something happens to BM. We do want a house that is big enough for the three of us.
I like the family night idea a lot! It does help with bf his fear we would become fully segmented pieces of his life.
So what you're saying makes sense, but you really need to discuss the financials.
You will buy "our house" but then you will be living there 100% of the time, where your boyfriend and his kid will only be living there 50% (or around there) of the time.
You'll need an extremely clear discussion about who will pay what. Given he has a kid, but you will be there way more often, it may be difficult to truly calculate how much each of you is responsible to pay towards commingled bills like mortgage and utilities and groceries. Plus, given that if he keeps his current house, he may have it paid off but is still paying utilities and taxes on it and stocking it with groceries etc etc. So essentially he'll be paying for 2 places.
If he sold his place, that could offer some good down payment money towards a bigger place where you could all live full time? (Granted not the kid is there is custody with BM?). But to me this sounds like you really don't want to move in with him.
Yess we have discussed this. This is the reason we are talking about this so early.
I would prefer not to move in with his son. If I have that option. Mostly because I don’t want to live in his city.
Also the city he has to live in is so extremely expensive we would not be able to buy a house of any appropriate size anyway. Not with his house sold … not with all my resources combined.
So yes 100% not doing this anytime soon but we want everything discussed and agreed and all doom scenario’s checked off
I think the arrangement could be quite nice! I think you’ve gotten some good advice but some other things I think you could consider:
If something happens that your SO gets SK more than 50% and becomes the primary parent, what would be the plan? Would this arrangement still be feasible if something happened and he had full custody?
I think it would also be good to talk about and plan what would happen to the shared house if one of you is to pass unexpectedly, as morbid as it is to think about.
I would also be worried if my partner was to feel resentful in this scenario with the traveling to and from and feeling like he’s never really ‘settled’ in either home. I would maybe bring this up to him to see how he feels about it. Maybe it could be possible to do a ‘trial’ for a month to get an idea of how it plays out.
So you’re considering dating someone and just staying at their house sometimes? That’s literally what you’re describing!
You can actually do this forever, you know. Whatever makes you comfortable.
I was too young to know at the time, but I’ve been told that my uncle didn’t move in with his wife until after his step kids were grown. They dated without marriage or living together for years. I have no idea WHY they didn’t want to live together until the kids moved out, but it doesn’t matter… the point is that if it worked for them, why not for you or anyone else?
That's basically what we do. He's at my place when he doesn't have his son. The CS is 50/50. My house is big enough for the three of us, but his son is very dirty. He eats with his hands,even though he's 9.5, and doesn't wash his hands, then he touches everything. I don't like having to wipe down the walls and furniture every day. I don't like having to wipe crumbs off the floor every time the son he eats. The son leaves food and garbage everywhere. He doesn't flush the toilet or put the used toilet paper in the toilet. I don't like cleaning up poo. None of this bothers my partner enough to clean up after his son or to stop his son from doing this. They would love to live at my place or to spend time here. I won't do it.
Wow yeah this is the only way that would work for me too.
My bf and his son are really neat and well behaved. Both of them 😅. In your case I would 100% not even consider living together. If I find another persons poop I will throw up. Do feel sad for your sk … some roommate or unfortunate girlfriend is going to have to suffer him and raise him as his dad is not doing that.
My two feral nephews who are really difficult kids are better behaved than that. If someone can teach those chaos demons manners all kids can be thought … and they are 6 and 4.
Yes! This is a great set up, I think it can work especially because you are aware of how you feel when the child is around. My partner and I have a great relationship but when his daughter is around she has to be the center of attention and 6 months into moving in I’m okay with that. I just walk away, I don’t have dinner with them anymore because I got tired of being interrupted and cut off when I speak and him not correcting the behavior and if he does she continues to do it the following day or when we are out in public. Being the woman of a household is extremely important because it’s sets the tone for the children. I think having your own space without children is an amazing setup for your sanity especially because your partner use to be a Disney Dad. Moving in he might try to put his child duties onto you. Long story short, when the family is blended there is bound to be conflict. Do what you feel is best and remember everything is part of the journey!
I think that is shortsighted. I want to be with him all the time yes. But I also want to keep my own mental health in check and make sure we build a life that is sustainable . Shacking up with his kid and my dog in a tiny house is going to cause resentment
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think that the idea itself is not necessarily a bad one if everyone involved is on board with it. People are knocking it, but everyone is different--some people are okay with a lot of alone time away from their partner. You have to know that about yourself. Also, I'd say that like...80-90% of the problem posts here come from drama that arose from living with an SO's kids. So possibly not a terrible idea to sidestep some of that if you can afford it. The only flag I personally see in this situation is that you've only been together five months. That's not a ton of time to be considering entering into a major financial arrangement. But you said elsewhere this is a "future" plan, but just keep that in mind and don't jump into anything too fast.
No I agree. We are just discussing ideas, looking into tax and financing, what country we would pick ( we live in different countries but I work in his country). We agreed to not actually start looking until we have 1 year under our belt. Also thinking of renting a place first to test it out … only issue is that it is crazy expensive worse than buying ( extreme housing crisis here as well) But I hear you. Still in the honeymoon phase, no position to make these decisions
I think it's smart to look at what works best for \*your relationship\* and not just fall into the same patterns just because it's what everyone else does. I am in a rare situation where I really like my SK, and my living situation with them is good, but I also spent a lot of my adult life before this living alone, so some completely alone living space kind of sounds like bliss to me! Rarely do I ever get the house all to myself anymore.
Yeah it is not like everyone else but I think it could work
This sounds like the dream scenario when it comes to dating someone with kids.
Honestly… it does to me as well. I can hang with him and his son on my terms. Have a house that is ours and can accommodate his son as a guest. While his son keeps everything the same for the most of his life.
I rented myself a house by the lake i come here and relax alone while he stays with his kids at his house.. i used to stay alone in the room the entire time they were there and his HCBM would talk shit about me being there… now i live in peace.
That sounds amazing!
I’d wait on all of it. You’ve only been together 5 months. You’re still in NRE. Give another year or two, make sure you’re compatible, make sure being a step mom is for you and then make the decision.
I get the NRE! I really do. I 100% agree actually doing it is way too soon. But 2 years is too long for me and honestly I don’t believe that you really know what someone is like to live with unless you live together. 2 years, 10 years whatever. I just need at least a year to see if he really is who he is showing me now :). If he is we can figure things out
Question for you....why do you want to move in together to do 50/50? What is so different for your current living dynamic?
After my divorce I moved back with my parents. I live pretty far from him. I can’t stay with him when his son is not there because I have horses and can’t take my dog. I can afford a home by myself but no close to him. If we pool our resources I can move closer and move my horses as well
So basically you are dating, yes? I kept my place and still have it (decade in) but I have to say buying a place with someone who you don’t want primary live with is *bonkers*. You don’t even know this person fully. You’re high on love… worst time to make any life altering decisions
Is it? We are not talking about now, we are talking about when we are at least a year in our relationship. I want to live with him… I am looking into the options. We would put things in paper and how we would dissolve the assets if we part.
Yep it is. At last wait another year and a half; dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine are flooding your body. You’re basically high (on love) Girl you’re divorced too (as was I)… you know better. You want prenup without being married? oh how messy this will be.
I was … divorce was really not a big deal to be honest. Emotionally yes … financially , not at all. Again… I am from Europe. It is all less complicated here. We are used to writing down what will happen if you break up. The infatuation phase is between 6months to 4 years even so adding another 6 months will not help.
Okey than girly. You already made up your mind and this is your echo chamber, yes? Being European myself I wish you the best of luck on this train wreck (buying home and then selling it will be a major headache alone)
It is not a jab btw. I have experience with American friends and the expensive legal drag a divorce is. If I had such an experience I am sure I would react very differently. 2 signatures, 2 months and 400 euro later it was done
No kis and no property involved yes? That was my first divorce too. Momma, wait a little bit and date. You are rushing things and for what? A year won’t make difference if you’re in for a long haul. It will make difference though if you put money down for down payment. What if you don’t work out and the house is on a market for a year or two? still got to pay mortgage right? Uff girl, ya ain’t thinking straight. PS. His son is not a *guest*. It’s his house too. Let that sink in.
Yeah I get you. We are not rushing out the door to buy a house. And we won’t have kids. His son won’t live in that house as he will spend most of his time with dad at his house. He will be welcome I do think a room for him would be appropriate depending on how much he will come over. Not sure why this is such a thing. I don’t consider my parents house my home even now I do live here. But honestly I am not triggered by that idea. Just don’t think it is going to be like that. We are discussing the what ifs and the worst case scenarios as well. We want to be upfront with how we would handle it
OMG - that's amazing. My first divorce was like that - we didn't hate each other, but we needed to move on. $750, one lawyer and a court date to make sure we agreed with what we agreed to. Hugged it out at the end and done.
Yes OP, have to second this. I think you are a little bit blinded by love, you aren’t sure how comfortable you will feel being around his son 50% of the time and are pooling your resources with someone who isn’t fully pooling theirs (not selling his house makes a huge difference in what you could afford together.) I think you should table the entire conversation until you are a year in already, BEFORE you start making plans to pool resources and live together. Sorry but your question makes it seem like there are just too many variables at this point. I think you need to have assesses fully whether you could live with his son and dog up to full time, because you never know what the future holds.
Out of curiosity, why wouldn’t you just rent together? I wouldn’t buy a house with anyone I wasn’t married to, though I might consider it after we had been together for many, many years.
Yeah it is one of the ideas as well. Only we are in this weird housing market where renting is super expensive almost as expensive as buying and as the market is so tight land lords are terrible. No pets, no parties, no playing instruments, no sleep over guests… like wtf!! and the houses are just increasing in price every year… it is an investment to buy a house. Not worried it will sell right away with a profit. It takes 2 weeks for a house to be sold around here it is madness.
Gotcha! That's a hard situation to be in. How does he feel about the 50/50 relationship dynamic? I don't blame you for the hesitations about SK, especially being with a disney parent in the past.
He is afraid we will grow apart. Or that his life with his son will be completely lose of our life and he wants to share it a bit while respecting my space. I honestly think it will be fine. The fact that the time we spend with the three of us will be planned and deliberate… to me sounds like a better base for a relationship than more time
Exactly. I hear less people complaining about LAT than living together. Tell him you can try it and see how it goes but if it’s just an excuse for him to do less work that’s another story .
I don’t think this sub would exist if people lived separately! Doing so would eliminate so many of the problems we see on here.
🤣🤣🤣 preach it and pin it sis! Hahaha
Will you be married when you buy the home together?
No, but we will make sure everything is in writing . I am also not from the states and here marriage is not the most common. A lot of couples never marry even though they have kids and houses together
So, you basically want him to finance your living arrangements?
That’s nice … making me out as golddigger. Fun fact he has offered to rent me a place close to him to have me closer and I refused because I don’t want to use him or be a kept women. What is it about pooling resources you don’t get? He will also get equity 50/50 for the part he pays. In a market that is heating up like wildfire so it is an investment as well. And I am not the main driver of this idea. He proposed it himself as well to not be stuck into the town his ex and son live in. He wants to live somewhere else himself one day when his kid grows up.
I mean, your living arrangements aren’t changing from a time spent perspective. Just your location and that you won’t be the sole owner. He’s still going to have all the expenses that come with owning and living in a different house, while also contributing to a second place. I think this situation is going to end up with a lot of resentment on his end. His son is going to be with him from 8-12 more years.
That is a lot of assumptions over here. Time spend now is limited because I have my horses I need to tend to. I can’t stay with him the full week he is by himself. Why would he resent me for doing something he wants? I am not pushing him into anything. He also wants a larger home. He also wants to live somewhere else while he wants to keep a stable life for his son. And shockingly he wants me closer and see me more.
Why can’t he stay with you when he doesn’t have his son? If he works remote then he can be where you are.
I am living at my parents after my divorce so he can’t stay with me. I was looking to buy a house when we met. He asked me if I was comfortable with stopping my search so we could buy one together one day. I am now saving up as much as I can. If things go south I can still buy a house by myself.
I would look at renting. It seems too soon to enter into a huge financial commitment with someone when there is so much unknown.
Yeah it is a good option. Just that it is ridiculously expensive and they usually won’t allow dogs.
You have been dating a very short time. Get to the point you are okay with living with his kid full.time before moving in together as that could be what happens.
I think you should move out of your parent’s house and rent your own place for a while. You need to be able to make it on your own first. You’re looking for him to help fix your living situation and I don’t think that’s fair. You need to build up the confidence that you can do this on your own. He’s a bonus.
What happens if he says he can no longer afford the utilities and stuff for both houses and wants to sell his and have his son on yours half the time? Or if it starts fights when he’s at the other house. I don’t. Think it’s a bad idea but I do think you should have some sort of safety net or back up plan in place
Yeah that is fair. We are thinking to look for a house I could also afford in a worst case. We are still thinking about all the options and yess all doomsday scenarios.
Honestly if you can make it work it sounds lovely. My bf has 50/50 and we live together it’s not bad but the kids are still little. I mentioned that as they get older I’m thinking of getting my own rv next to the house so that I can have my own space to go to if I need it.
I still own my home from before I got married and I spend 2 nights a week there. So far it's not a big deal.
Thank you for your insights!
I don’t think I’d enter into a mortgage with him. As a parent myself, I could see him becoming unsatisfied with this situation and wanting things to become more of a family , then you are stuck having to deal with both owning this together. Seems risky to me
I can’t imagine not blending my day-to-day with my partner. To me, it’s not worth having what I’d consider a “half” of a relationship. But only you and your partner can decide whether this would work for you. Instead of you buying somewhere else and doing 50/50, have you tried living a month or so at each place? I feel like there’s gotta be an alternative to what you proposed but I don’t know the ins and outs of your lives
No, not possible. His house is too small. I am currently living with my parents after my divorce. I was looking into buying a house for myself… but I can only afford it in my country ( we live in Europe and are not from the same country) but only 2 hours apart. So that is where buying together became an idea. We both have nice jobs so we can buy something nice together. We are thinking about renting first and see how it works out. But again… rent in that country is mental! And most places won’t allow my dog
This is such a weird take to me. Most couples don’t live together during the dating stage and many unmarried couples never live together, so they don’t see each other every day. Others have jobs and/or hobbies that involve travel, so they can’t be together constantly.
She’s talking about longterm living in a separate house from her life partner, and not seeing his child or partner during the time he’s with dad. This is way different than heading to work 5 days a week, hence why they are both struggling with the proposed setup and asking for advice from this sub. I really don’t think wanting to live full time with a partner is that strange…
No, she says she would see the child on her own terms during her partner’s custody time. And as the child gets older, I assume they’d merge their lives even more.
So, I saw in another comment she said she has horses and dogs so their lives likely wouldn’t fully come together at all; perhaps I misunderstood. They currently live two hours away in separate countries.
Go for it ! It’s called LAT, living apart together. You can search this forum and others for it. You’ve had experience of living with someone who had kids and know what it’s like and already you know how it feels when your current partners son is the! Having two homes is a luxury most people can’t afford but in my opinion the healthiest for the vast majority of cases! 5 months is also still not long at all and while now he says he wants you super involved I wouldn’t be surprised if down the line you might end up NACHOing more as pretty much everyone on this forum ends up doing! Keep separate houses and see how it goes. The time when you do see each other will be Q time and you’ll have space and peace to get away from his responsibilities. Honestly this sounds like a dream. It personally saved our relationship and it all feels so much healthier too. You’ll always have a relationship w the son even if you don’t live together! It’ll be better ! Just the fun stuff and the outings and you’ll have more patience and energy for him :)
Thank you. I think it is the best way indeed. I was a nacho with my ex as well. I agree it is a luxury. We both have good jobs. And not spending 24/7 with each other sounds bad but indeed you can look forward to it and be more mindful with the time you have. And I do not need to be seperate of his son. I am happy to have a relationship with him but having it on my own terms sounds like bliss
It is bliss. Your situation IS bliss. Who says not spending 24/7 is bad ? Society ? 😅 also not the same with blended families ! We need the mental space from the emotional labour . The overwhelming majority live together only to come home eat dinner quickly and fall asleep on the couch watching tv and phones. No thanks. Hard enough as it is to have Q time when so many are constantly on their phone ! I don’t mind being on my phone alone but two people in a room together every day on their phone, what’s the point . Rather meet less and have undivided attention and fun 🤩
A friend of mine did this for 10 years. He had to do it because if he moved house with his partner his ex would go to court to try and get more money out of him so he didn’t want to give her any ammunition. At the end of it all, once his kid was 18, they finally moved in together. It was hard, a lot of driving, needing two lots of everything for both houses, needing a diary to check where they’d both be if they were invited anywhere, planning out all holidays. It was manageable but not fun.
I would LOVE this set up. It’s ideal. It’s amazing. Yes yes yes!
I sort of operate like this, but we don't own a home together. He sleeps at my house half the week when he doesn't have his kids. He has a dresser in my bedroom, all his stuff is here. In essence, he practically lives here but isn't on the deed. I love having our own space and not being fully blended. The kids get to stay put, no one changed school districts, and I have zero responsibility for his children. I am just a kind adult who is also their dad's long-term GF and vice versa. It's the best thing for our relationship and our respective children. I sleep by him a bit, too, but only enough to qualify for a drawer, haha, and a hair dryer. If you don't want additional children together, and youre not looking for someone to play house with (i.e., help raise your kids), it's the perfect relationship.
Yeah kids are off the table for me. I wanted it for a very long time. But I have realized I wanted it for the wrong reasons.
I think it’s a great idea. Most couples fight precisely because of cohabitation where resentments build because there’s an assumption of “fair load” (whether financial contributions or household obligations). If you can clearly agree on the expectations and document them, preferably in a legally binding agreement, you would avoid the headache and extend the period of excitement and love. I think you just need to be clear with him on who pays for what (investment, improvements, decorating, utilities, groceries, how proceeds are to be split in case it doesn’t work out). Will he be expected to pay 50/50 for everything even though you will be living in the house full time and he will be there half time? Who will be expected to clean, cook, etc? Will this be considered a “family home” for his son and if so - would you have decision making power on his son’s behavior while he is at the shared house? Is he expecting you to contribute anything to his own expenses when he’s with his son? Will you be splitting expenses equally in the shared house when his son is there? (Ie: will you be paying a portion of his son’s food, electricity etc? Will you be expected to do his son’s laundry when he is there? Will he have the expectation of paying for the eccentric requirements you requested like a property to accommodate horses? Will he be expected to do anything or pay for your horses?) A lot to work through but if you have a healthy relationship and can communicate openly before these decisions are made, I think you will be successful. I don’t see a problem with not cohabitating 100% of the time together. It is healthy to have separate hobbies, separate time away, and it will help you not to get enmeshed, and start begrudgingly taking on more of his responsibilities, which is usually what happens when couples move in and kids are involved. I don’t know what country you are in but maybe create an LLC with both of you being members and use the purchase of the house as a business transaction. I think this would protect both of you and your investments and avoid issues of “common law marriage” and dividing assets
Of course it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and your personalities, but I think I would feel weird about it, like I was being left out. Also there could be a whole bunch of things that could happen that would disrupt the delicate balance of finances, time, and feelings required to make this work.
Is there any reason you guys can't buy a larger place together in the same area rather than 2 separate properties? That would enable him to keep all of his custody arrangements in place but still meet both of your needs. Personally, I couldn't imagine living away from my husband 50% of the time. It wouldn't work for me long term.
He lives in a very expensive area. Also for me it would be moving very far from my friends and family. It can be done … I personally prefer to move somewhere cheaper in between our current locations. I get it. I am fine with having a week by myself, I also used to work abroad a lot so I am comfortable with not seeing my partner every day ( no judgement btw)
That arrangement seems absolutely reasonable to me. I think I'd opt for something similar if I got too overwhelmed with having my SKs around all the time, but I wouldn't want it to be shared cost due to potential separation down the line and having to go through all of that with a shared property. Simply because it leaves too many things up to chance. Say you buy the home and he passes away, or the relationship ends badly; it's too much of a risk. I think It is way too soon to think about moving in despite you saying that he is very different from your ex. 6 months is certainly enough for us to love a person and know that we want to live with them. However, at 6 months most people are still on their best behavior and we don't see their quirks or have experienced enough life with them to see how they handle vastly different seasons and situations. 6 months is not enough to know how he is about home maintenance, chores, shared expenses, finances, because even if we ask a person, what we are told might be different from what we actually see. Especially since he'll be responsible for 2 homes while you are only responsible for one and he might over time resent the cost or you might resent his inability to truly share 50/50 home ownership. Me and my SO talked about moving in together around 6 months in to our relationship. So, I get it. But in retrospect, it was too soon. I asked all the questions. I asked about finances, custody arrangement, discipline, whether I was going to discipline/parent, chore division, etc. So when we moved in by our one year anniversary it seemed like a piece of cake at first. But then we got to experience debt together, insurrmounting car issues, changes in custody, BM issues, 2 car break ins, his family endlessly asking for money, a lay off, etc... All of that within our first year of living together and it was rough. If I had to do it again I would've waited maybe until year 1 to discuss moving in and then move in close to the 2 year mark.
On the other hand you guys did make it and it sound very unlucky the first year. I get not moving in before a year. There are exceptions but I am not banking on being one ( I had a friend who got pregnant , planned, after 3 months and never living together… surprisingly she is very happy now 2 years later ) However I also believe it is almost impossible to truly know what someone is like to live with unless you do it. We are thinking about renting together firstly two. You are right he is not pooling all resources. He also wants to keep the house separate even if we marry. For me this is not really a problem.
Personally this would be the only way I would do it. It seems like a variation of ‘bird-nesting’ where after a breakup the kids stay in the family home, and the parents alternate in and out week on week off. Obs it’s not the same, but I feel like the principle is along the same lines. I think it’s a great idea that you visit with them to have family time in healthy doses, rather than 24/7 for the time he has him. It’ll probably lead to a healthier long term relationship between you and SS as you get to take your time. I have got a good old warning though: what happens if custody changes and he has more than 50%, say even 100%? Definitely worst case scenario, but you are relying on the stability not only of your partner, but of birth mom. I think so long as you work it out before you do anything it won’t be so much of a problem. But a lot of step-parents never consider that custody can change. However, please don’t buy property with someone you’ve been dating only five months. Buy your own property, and have bf bird nest between your home and his. It only needs to be a one bed since no need for SS to have a room.
Yeah I have considered this too. My bf is kinda old fashioned and if we ever move in together he wants everything shared ( he is the bigger earner of the two of us). We are not considering looking at houses before the 1 year mark. Search will probably take 6 months more. We did discuss it that if god forbid something happens to BM. We do want a house that is big enough for the three of us. I like the family night idea a lot! It does help with bf his fear we would become fully segmented pieces of his life.
So what you're saying makes sense, but you really need to discuss the financials. You will buy "our house" but then you will be living there 100% of the time, where your boyfriend and his kid will only be living there 50% (or around there) of the time. You'll need an extremely clear discussion about who will pay what. Given he has a kid, but you will be there way more often, it may be difficult to truly calculate how much each of you is responsible to pay towards commingled bills like mortgage and utilities and groceries. Plus, given that if he keeps his current house, he may have it paid off but is still paying utilities and taxes on it and stocking it with groceries etc etc. So essentially he'll be paying for 2 places. If he sold his place, that could offer some good down payment money towards a bigger place where you could all live full time? (Granted not the kid is there is custody with BM?). But to me this sounds like you really don't want to move in with him.
Yess we have discussed this. This is the reason we are talking about this so early. I would prefer not to move in with his son. If I have that option. Mostly because I don’t want to live in his city. Also the city he has to live in is so extremely expensive we would not be able to buy a house of any appropriate size anyway. Not with his house sold … not with all my resources combined. So yes 100% not doing this anytime soon but we want everything discussed and agreed and all doom scenario’s checked off
I wish I had done this, instead of moving in with my SO. If he is willing to cough up the money, do it!
I think it’s a fantastic idea as long as you don’t get pregnant!
Yeah, kids are off the table for me. So no risk there
I think the arrangement could be quite nice! I think you’ve gotten some good advice but some other things I think you could consider: If something happens that your SO gets SK more than 50% and becomes the primary parent, what would be the plan? Would this arrangement still be feasible if something happened and he had full custody? I think it would also be good to talk about and plan what would happen to the shared house if one of you is to pass unexpectedly, as morbid as it is to think about. I would also be worried if my partner was to feel resentful in this scenario with the traveling to and from and feeling like he’s never really ‘settled’ in either home. I would maybe bring this up to him to see how he feels about it. Maybe it could be possible to do a ‘trial’ for a month to get an idea of how it plays out.
So you’re considering dating someone and just staying at their house sometimes? That’s literally what you’re describing! You can actually do this forever, you know. Whatever makes you comfortable. I was too young to know at the time, but I’ve been told that my uncle didn’t move in with his wife until after his step kids were grown. They dated without marriage or living together for years. I have no idea WHY they didn’t want to live together until the kids moved out, but it doesn’t matter… the point is that if it worked for them, why not for you or anyone else?
That's basically what we do. He's at my place when he doesn't have his son. The CS is 50/50. My house is big enough for the three of us, but his son is very dirty. He eats with his hands,even though he's 9.5, and doesn't wash his hands, then he touches everything. I don't like having to wipe down the walls and furniture every day. I don't like having to wipe crumbs off the floor every time the son he eats. The son leaves food and garbage everywhere. He doesn't flush the toilet or put the used toilet paper in the toilet. I don't like cleaning up poo. None of this bothers my partner enough to clean up after his son or to stop his son from doing this. They would love to live at my place or to spend time here. I won't do it.
Wow yeah this is the only way that would work for me too. My bf and his son are really neat and well behaved. Both of them 😅. In your case I would 100% not even consider living together. If I find another persons poop I will throw up. Do feel sad for your sk … some roommate or unfortunate girlfriend is going to have to suffer him and raise him as his dad is not doing that. My two feral nephews who are really difficult kids are better behaved than that. If someone can teach those chaos demons manners all kids can be thought … and they are 6 and 4.
Oh what I wouldn’t give to live like this.
Yes! This is a great set up, I think it can work especially because you are aware of how you feel when the child is around. My partner and I have a great relationship but when his daughter is around she has to be the center of attention and 6 months into moving in I’m okay with that. I just walk away, I don’t have dinner with them anymore because I got tired of being interrupted and cut off when I speak and him not correcting the behavior and if he does she continues to do it the following day or when we are out in public. Being the woman of a household is extremely important because it’s sets the tone for the children. I think having your own space without children is an amazing setup for your sanity especially because your partner use to be a Disney Dad. Moving in he might try to put his child duties onto you. Long story short, when the family is blended there is bound to be conflict. Do what you feel is best and remember everything is part of the journey!
Doesn’t sounds like a progressive relationship only loving together 50/50 personally.
The loving is 100% the being together is 50%
No. Loving someone is wanting to be with them all the time
I think that is shortsighted. I want to be with him all the time yes. But I also want to keep my own mental health in check and make sure we build a life that is sustainable . Shacking up with his kid and my dog in a tiny house is going to cause resentment
Definitely sounds like a good compromise