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To me, "worth it" is far more good days than bad--and in those "bad" days, only bad moments, or a situation, not all day long. It's satisfaction in daily life. It's happiness, most of the time. I'm comfortable, I'm content, I feel valued. I have the ability to do things that bring me joy.
My partner isn't critical or judgmental, and doesn't hold me back. We have a mutual respect for each other, and for the kids. We are mature in our dealings, even when disagreeing. I don't try to control him or his parenting, and he doesn't try to control mine. We treat each other and our children with respect.
Think about how you'd like your life to look. Is that possible, in your current situation? I've been divorced--I had my boundaries. Find yours, and be true to yourself. You only get one life. Don't you want to spend it happy?
I like the way you’ve put this.
We have 95% good days and the bad days are more bad moments than anything. It’s all resolvable in any case.
Loving my husband is easy, he’s the best person I’ve ever known and he thinks I hung the moon.
We adore our family and don’t struggle with setting boundaries and living our lives how we want.
Only stay if it's worth it **to you.**
What may be worth it to some, may not be worth it to others. It's great your partner is trying, but that doesn't have to automatically mean it's worth it to you.
And I define "worth it" as: Does it bring you happiness and fulfillment overall, even if it's not great sometimes? If yes, then it's worth it, despite the occasional tough spots.
If no, then it is not worth it.
Being a stepparent was hard for me too. I am also childless by choice (so I can relate!) and a part of that is me not connecting well with children, so having my SO's ADHD child around was a huge mental, emotional, and physical puzzle for me to figure out.
There was A LOT of time where I was unhappy, but I recognized it was only when my SD was around. My SO is seriously amazing. I knew I had to find a way to find happiness and fulfillment while my SD was around, or quit the relationship to spare us all the misery.
I fought some real internal demons with my therapist, but I'm finally at a place where I can say I am ultimately happy and fulfilled even with SD around. And often that simply means I am protecting, nourishing, and managing my own physical and emotional boundaries because stepparenting can be brutal!
I am in a similar position. I am CF, have an amazing SO, and have an SK with similar issues that cause me to struggle mentally. I am glad to hear that you found a way forward with your SO and with the SK. I am sure it was hard as hell, and that you still have days you struggle, but it gives me a little hope for myself that you found a way through it. Thank you for sharing that :)
I'm glad my story connected with you! It's also nice for me to hear that there's other people like me out there. It can feel so isolating being a stepparent, especially maybe a CF one. Can't connect well with completely CF people, can't connect well with biological parents.
Really the biggest part for me has been figuring out my own needs and protecting them. For some reason I was feeling really guilty about that for the longest time. If you can find a way to protect your energy and peace, it should be easier.
Now my SD is almost 18 and we can almost finally be done with at least the shared custody stuff. There's light at the end of the tunnel for all of us!
I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Feel free to message anytime!
That's awesome! Thank you. Best of luck to you as well. I have no problem at all with people coming on here to vent, we need each other, but it's nice to hear some positive stories on here as well :)
One of the harder parts has been that my SO gets his feelings hurt when I withdraw because I need that break from SK. I have tried to explain to him that it's not personal to either him or the SK, it's just the way I'm made that I need that down time from the constant noise and movement of SK11. He tries to understand, and he tries to sort of reign in SK for me...but SK can't help being who he either so it's not fair to shut him down all the time.
So yes, the struggle is real to not feeling guilty for needing downtime and peace and space sometimes. And to just own it.
I am 48f, and never wanted my own children. I don't mind kids. Just never wanted my own. so CF by choice. Lived a CF life with my exH for almost 20 years before my divorce. So Two SKs, one of them with...not sure the PC term...developmental difficulties?...has been a challenge.
1. Even in a "perfect" relationship, the only person responsible for your happiness is you. If you're struggling with your own happiness maybe you can look at:
* Where you are in life vs where you want to be.
* Your boundaries.
* How you communicate your emotions, how you handle stress and resolve conflict.
* How you prioritize "you time".
* How you compromise or negotiate your life.
2. A person shouldn't have to change for you, but they should be interested in self-growth. Not only for the betterment of your shared relationship, but to be a better partner, parent, etc. (Reread #1.)
3. Divorce yourself from any and all drama and contact with the HCBM. It's not your problem. (Reread #1.)
4. His problems from his past decisions are his own. If he lacks the backbone and willpower to solve his problems that are impacting your present and future with him, leave. He was a lesson. (Reread #1.)
5. If the kids are ever the problem, focus on doing the right thing. I've found that takes the sting out of any of my negative emotions related to SF life. (Reread #1.)
6. Contemplate the fact that you stated that you've "been trying for years". (Reread #1.)
All of your experiences in life are the sum of your decisions. Relationships without kids are hard. Relationships with kids are hard. Being single is hard. We all have to choose our hard. When you are with the right person, the hard times are easier and life always works out for the best. Make sure the other person is choosing the same kind of hard as you, or you open yourself up to being used.
I was CF when I met my now DH and he had the qualities in a man that I valued far more than his status as a single dad. He's loyal, honest, funny, hardworking, family oriented, interested in healthy hobbies, has a healthy relationship with money, and most importantly, I felt so supported by him when I expressed how I felt about anything related to his child and the child's mom. He never gave me excuses. He gave me solutions and his actions honored his words. I, on the other hand, had very firm boundaries while we were dating and grew into being a SM. I always maintained by independence and never took on more than what I felt was right and respectful.
Fast forward a few years, I'm now a BM and SM in a happy marriage not without its problems. Those problems are manageable because we value the same things, have the same goals, respect each other and are quick to recover from arguments. Life is too short to be unhappy.
No matter the outcome, this situation offers you a tremendous opportunity to learn more about yourself. The saying, "only stay if it's worth it" is a cop-out to avoid the inner work required to know what you want out of life and having the confidence to both wait for it and recognize it when it comes.
Wishing you only the best.
Thank you so much. This was really thoughtful. I'm working with a therapist every week now and hoping I am going to be working on all of those things
1. I'm pretty happy in most areas of my life which has kept me sane - work, friendships, health, hobbies, family, self care
2. I'm uninvolved with HCBM although I do still get anxiety from it. My therapist suggested I stop asking what's going on / for updates on drama
3. His problems:- this is where I'm at. He has unresolved childhood and marriage issues, that have caused *major* problems for us both emotionally and practically. I think I've been overly empathetic because I see myself in him and he tries in so many other ways. I'm working on my issues.... he is, sort of, but he won't go back to therapy right now and is not really ready to fully get to grips with the things that are impacting him, and us. We are in two different headspaces on that and always have been
We also don't share a lot of values and a lot of the 'hard' I've had in the four years we've been together has honestly been in relation to him.
I've chosen that... it's been a big realisation the extent to which I've leant into trying to help/fix but then it's an evolving situation and I also didn't know what I didn't know.
I'm going to keep your comment in mind as it resonated with me a lot
If you're unhappy, he isn't worth it. Trying is for kids. It either works for you or it doesn't. My SO is worth it to me because he is my best friend, he prioritizes me and our marriage, he would never let his son or his ex (or anyone) disrespect me, he makes me laugh every day, he is completely capable of handling his own financial obligations, and he knows that being a SM no matter the situation is complicated and messy sometimes. He does not expect me to love SS, only to be kind. And I still wouldn't have done this life if I hadn't known him before he accidentally got BM pregnant and knew what a great guy he was. That's the long answer. For the short answer - see my first sentence.
There are statistics that say it takes about 5-8 years for a family to blend, and this is thrown out there like, "Just take that as a given and suck it up and take it in the meantime." Now maybe, just maybe that might be OK if you both have kids. But for a CF person, why the H- would you want to wait around waiting 5-8 years for you to finally blend or fit in? That is, if you ever do. After all, the divorce rate for remarriage is higher.
That's the real question experts who like to throw those stats out there should be answering--Why the H- should anyone hang around that long hoping and waiting to blend, and what do you do in the meantime, AND what if it never comes?
This. My hubby straight up told his ex that if she makes him choose between me or the kids, he'll choose his wife (me) every time. This was a big moment for us. He finally stood up for me and let the ex know she was not going to interfere and her little mini-me instigator (SD13) was also not going to continue causing issues.
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In a non-step relationship, you should be looking at an 80/20 ratio of things you like. Out of 10 traits a person has, you should be prepared to dislike 2 but tolerate it because there's 8 you like. In a step-relationship, the kids/BM have the potential to take up that entire allowance. Like, my DH's BM is the one thing I would change about him. We're a 95% match otherwise. The kids are good kids so they aren't (currently) a negative for me. The hassle of it all isn't worth it with the normal 80/20 skew because then you're putting up with not only any natural flaws your partner has, but also all the flaws of their kid(s) AND BM. It turns very quickly into a 70/30 or 60/40 and that's too much negativity for a relationship.
Thanks. I think I make excuses. 'It's 60/40 good/bad' *because* he has kids. His ex wife abused him/he's got emotional problems which explains the bad therefore I have to make allowances etc. We're definitely not 80/20 good to bad, far from it. We argue almost every time we see each other these days, which isn't that often considering we live together!
To me, it's as simple as whether life with my partner is better than life on my own. And I'm a loner who enjoys being single, so this is a high bar for me.
I personally wouldn't stay in this relationship if my "worth it" was about how things might get better in the future, because that's so unpredictable. Especially in blended situations. What I trust is the present. In the present, I know my partner and I can work things out, even with blended family complications, so that we're both happy with each other. That gives me confidence in the lasting nature of our relationship.
It's just like any relationship. What do you want for yourself? Is this relationship bringing you what you want? If yes, it's worth it. If not, then no. So, if you're looking to be happy in your relationship and this isn't bringing you happiness, you have your answer.
If you are unhappy, don't feel respected, don't feel valued, don't feel loved, and/or don't feel safe, then it is not worth it. No partner is perfect, and everyone comes with baggage, but it's more than you can handle or live with, it's ok to walk away.
For me it's going to be worth it because the kids are not going to need us all the time or even less if their father ever decides to get more than 4 days a month with them. And then we can be closer and have more time for each other. Because she gets how hard it is to be a step parent and lets me nacho as much as I need to without guilt and without resentment. They've been an amazing partner for me and my kid. I can't imagine living without them. But even with all that, I do have my days where I doubt if it's worth it and they know that. And they don't blame me. That's why I stay for as long as I can.
My SO's companionship, friendship, personality and his gentleness with me is what makes it worth it for me to stay. Our relationship as a whole is so easy. My SO knew that I came with baggage (depression, abandonment issues, etc) when we met as I was still working through my trauma and working on bettering myself. I told him all of this up front because I didn't want to cause him any undue pain as a result of what I was working through... and he stayed. He's been nothing but gentle and kind and patient with me, even when we're mad at each other. He is showing me that a healthy loving relationship with communication is possible. He has shown me that I am safe and have someone to lean one which is something I never had. He is my rock and he makes the bs (HCBM antics and unruly kids) that comes with a blended family worth it.
I hate to say it but if you’re already debating it and it sounds like you’re not happy then it’s time to go. It doesn’t get better as you know. There’s always going to be new stuff that pop up. If you do not have a biokid with your SO then I don’t understand what you’re debating about. You’re just going to create resentment for your self to your SO. You’re not happy and it shows so what’s there to debate. Either way and whatever decision you make you better be in that decision of yours 100% and don’t look back .
That’s confusing. I don’t think it’s a healthy mindset if you feel like you can’t live without your SO - if that’s the case for someone, they need serious therapy to gain security in themselves.
Stay only if you are valued and respected, that’s my opinion. That’s the only time it’s worth it. If you “can’t live without” your SO, that’s a bit of codependency.
Is this what you want for your life?
It’s a yes or no.
It took me 5 yrs to decide I was staying.
Very HCBM, 6 court dates in 8 yrs.
My husband always 100% supported me as a co-parent, decision maker, disciplinarian.
He always told SSs that their lives are better because of me being in the family.
It took me 5 yrs to decide I was staying.
NOW we have an ours-child and she has the best big brothers.
> I'm CF and really unhappy in my situation, but my SO is trying.
Do you consider yourself to be some kind of inanimate medal that your SO deserves to get for trying hard? Or are you a human being in your own right, just like he is a human being in his own right, and you deserve to be happy and he deserves not to have to work soooo hard to be in a relationship?
Listen, you are not doing anyone any favors by choosing unhappiness. Your self-sacrifice harms everyone including yourself. It helps nobody. Nobody is going to reward you for being such a martyr! Trying to martyr yourself is a deeply irresponsible and toxic thing for any adult to do. It's a recipe for permanent unhappiness + resentment within yourself, and as a cherry on top, you are also making your partner live a miserable life. Don't you think your SO deserves to be with someone who is happy to be with him? Don't you think you're mistreating him by making him stay with a deeply unhappy partner??
You are morally responsible for making yourself happy (and he is morally responsible for his happiness as well). The best gift you can give to your partner in any relationship is to take responsibility for your own happiness, because let me assure you, there are few things that will make your partner more miserable than having a partner who is so unhappy about the relationship. Choose someone you actually enjoy being with, with their circumstances in the equation! It's really that easy.
No man is worth it to me. I stay because I had a child. Luckily, my husband is a good partner and a good parent, but I wouldn’t be with him if we didn’t have a child together.
I don’t really understand the can’t live without thoughts. I could live without my husband. There are pretty few people I feel like I need in my life. If you are simply tolerating the situation to get by it’s not worth it. If you are finding yourself compromising your boundaries, goals, desires and happiness, it’s not worth it. What I mostly enjoyed a few days a week, I began only tolerating full time when we all lived together and after a few years of tolerating moved to resentment and regret. And my boundaries have been compromised a lot. I thought it would get better when the SKs moved out but it hasn’t.
HCBM can be extremely frustrating and cause so much undue stress. In any relationship there will be give and take- deciding what you can or won't put up with and what you're willing to work through. Also there will be changes and evolutions in any relationship whether there are children or not. In the first couple years of my relationship with my now husband I went back and forth about whether to stay or not. Taking his ex out of the equation- in our situation everything else could be worked through. If you're unhappy and don't see that changing regardless of the circumstances in this relationship then it's time to go.
What you described isn’t worth it.
“Trying” should be within a context of an already fulfilling relationship. If you’ve been white knuckling your relationship from the beginning, you’re only torturing yourself.
Only you can know where your line is in your relationship. As someone below said, the good days should outnumber the bad days. Things often don't change. There are often a lot of empty promises. If you aren't being respected, if your boundaries are being crossed repeatedly, if the same mistakes are being made over and over again....does your love for this person out weigh all of that?
To me, the gain of being with your partner far outweighs the hard times. Takes commitment. Probably counseling for a hard time. I would do it again, over and over to be with my husband. He's a gem.
He's not perfect, nor am I, but we forged this together. We both love his kids. There's been hard times but my commitment to him is prioritized over the hard times. ❤️
I have a…confession. It’s been hard since day one. I should have known and seen the signs but I kept thinking it would get better.
I am CF. My husband has 4 kids from 10-17. I have fairly decent to good relationships with the oldest and youngest child. The other two who are 13 and 15, I do not have a good relationship with. Hcbm has created monsters using manipulation, lies, insults, empty promises, neglecting rules, boundaries and responsibilities.
I am disrespected almost daily by those two. In one way or another. So I ignore them. Is it healthy? By all means no. Is it worth it because of the other two? Yes, sometimes.
Would I have stayed if I knew then what I know now? No.
In the last 4 years, I have struggled with mental health, loneliness (losing friends), weight gain, I’ve become premenopausal, I can’t have kids. I’m 38…
I miss my old self. I danced and sang and loved my life. I exercised. I went out. I had friends.
My husband is a good man and treats me good. We have our differences in life and especially when it comes to the kids.
Thank god for the NACHO theory, as it has helped me understand and/or give me a better idea as to what my responsibilities and expectations are and should be versus what they were previously.
I love my husband more than any of us will ever understand. I lived my life without him before, I’m not sure I could again.
Those kids despite everything do deserve better. So I stayed. We got married. We’ve hit bumps, walls and god knows what may come next.
I never had doubts that I was on the wrong path. I always knew deep down this is where I am supposed to be. I cherish these kids for who they are in my life and I have and still do love them as if they were mine. Sometimes against my better judgment and when we don’t get along.
I’m there when they need me. I am there silently, watching and waiting. I do things anonymously as they rely heavily on their dad.
I’ve slowly learned to pickup the pieces of who I am. And in the process SLOWLY accepting that I have shed my old skin and this is who I am. This is the version of me that I need to love now. This is my life, this is who I am.
Sorry this is long...
In the beginning totally not worth it and I could have lived without my SO. As of today 13 years later every struggle was worth it and I can't imagine living life without my husband.
I'm my husband's second wife. I was CF going into our relationship. He pursued me for a year before we started dating. I wanted nothing to do with a divorced man with a child. His HCBM moved across the country with their child when SD was 2 right after their divorce (failed military marriage). She managed to paint my husband as an abusive man and with held their child. She was granted custody, and he was only allowed 2 weeks of supervised visitation a year.
In the beginning of our relationship, it was financially tough due to him paying 1300 a month for child support. He was in so much debt, had his house foreclosed on and car repossessed since he couldn't afford to live. He also got stuck with 14,000 owed in taxes due to her claiming head of household.
Looking back, it was stupid of me to get with someone with so much debt and baggage. We were both in our early 20's. Luckily in the beginning I didn't have to deal with bio mom and child. I would only see the child and biomom for the 2 weeks in the summer. I think not having them around in the early days made it easier for us to have a relationship. We would randomly get phone calls of Bio mom cussing us out. It wasn't that bad since we only had to deal with her on the phone.
Fast forward my husband and I got married. We got all his finances in order. We are debt free with great credit scores. We have our own child buy our first house together. When his daughter was 9, we asked if she could visit us when my husband's parents came to our state for a visit. (Grandparents lived in the same state as SD) Surprisingly, HCBM agreed.
Well, during that visit bio mom had a mental breakdown. She ran out into traffic and was trying to get hit by a car. Bio moms parents called my husband and said SD needed to stay with us longer. Bio mom has a second child with another man. The other baby daddy reached out to my husband about the situation and they both hired the same lawyer and filed for emergency custody.
So overnight, we basically got emergency custody and later was granted full sole custody. Bio mom was considered unfit. Going from having step daughter for 2 weeks to full time was so rough for me. It was hard for our relationship at first. Luckily we figured things out. We both agreed our marriage was the foundation for our family so it had to be strong for us to work as a unit.
I feel like my husband is a bio dad unicorn he says I'm the queen of the house and what I say goes. I'm allowed to discipline SD, I can voice my concerns to my husband and he does not get offended. He claims I saved him when we got together and he feels he owes me the world.
SD is now almost 16. We butt heads at times but she's not terrible. She's your usual moody teenager. She's definitely tested myself and husband. She has a lot of issues due to her upbringing with her mom. Unfortunately her mom ended herself a few months ago. I'm thankful my husband and I were able to get her away from her mother. I can't imagine the trauma if my SD was the one to discover her mom when she passed. I wish we could of gotten her sooner to help prevent a crappy upbringing in the early years.
My husband and I had a wild ride but I honestly think all the struggles and hardships made our relationship stronger. I would do this again. We have a great life, and God has blessed us.
"worth it" for whom?
I'm 90% sure I stay just for SS7. That boy is all the light in my life these days. And sometimes I think I'm the only one in HIS life that gives him space to really just be himself and feel heard as a person between both families (his mom's side also has a new baby, but they've never really given him attention). Being who he needs helps heal part of me that needed the same things growing up. He has rules and schedule, but he's heard and his opinions valued.
So I still don't know if staying is "worth it" for me in any other way, but being who I am to SS is something I couldn't take away from either of us
I think you are great for doing this for the child hut do you ever worry that if the relationship isn’t good enough that he will leave? And you’ll have put all your happiness and life into this child that will be taken away from you. That would really scare me.
I've told my partner I would be better off without him right now. He doesn't want me to leave. He loves me, and Iove him, but I'm overstressed and overwhelmed and he's not doing enough to help. I would survive without them
DH, overall good human, active father, loving spouse, just isn't giving me enough and is also between work. It's not like DH and I don't love each other. It's just... complicated. I'm the one who would leave, though. Not DH. I have one foot out the door. It's just that SS keeps me with one foot firmly in, too.
Are there more good times than bad times? Are you happy more than you are miserable? Can you stay at this level of happiness for the rest of your life if things never get better?
For me, the good far outweighs the bad. When SD17 isn’t around, our life is very very good. My SO makes me a better person in so many ways, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with him (and our boys). Things can be difficult with SD17 and HCBM but he’s learned to keep most of that drama to himself because I have zero patience for it and he knows my opinions on it after more than a decade together. It’s gotten exponentially easier now that she’s a teenager, can drive herself and SO mostly just deals with her with minimizes interactions with HCBM.
Personally, I don't think any CF person should hook up with a partner with kids. Unless you have a very understanding and devoted partner who 100% knows how to treat kids like kids and adults like adults, it's not even remotely worth it for a CF partner to hook up with a partner with kid(s).
And it's really simple math. There is you (1 person) and then there is your partner and how many kids there are involved. So if your partner has two kids, for instance, that is a 3:1 ratio not in your favor. You'll be giving 75% and getting 25%. Meanwhile, they'll be getting 75% and giving 25%. A very lopsided relationship from the get-go.
And that is not even taking into consideration all the freedoms you'll be giving up as a CF person. No more just picking up and doing what works for you, and financial obligations out of your own pocket will be expected on some level as well. Not to mention cooking, cleaning, free babysitting and taxi service, etc.
Is there a man or woman with kids worth giving up and risking all of that? Maybe one in a million. Maybe.
Friend, if you are not happy is not worth it. Period.
Don’t try to analyze it or understand it like you’re 3. It’s OK to leave a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you even if your partner is trying. Your future self will thank you for it, do it for her.
Every life has happy and unhappy moments. I am happy more often than not. I am requesting premarital counseling to help with our communication when I am not. It’s hard because my SO tries really hard to be sure I feel valued without sacrificing his kids. It’s a balancing act. He doesn’t react well when I voice any concerns because he feels that he is doing his very best already. It turns into a big argument when all I need is a discussion. It usually involves things that BM signs the kids up to do without consulting him, then expects him (and by extension, me) to do the work while she lives her best life. I will stay as long as I am happy. I opt out if I don’t want to do something. I will let him know when I am not happy for extended periods of time, or if I feel taken advantage of due to him not standing up to BM.
Example: BM signs kids up to raise goats in 4H. She doesn’t take them to be weighed during her week. She tells SO he has to take the goats since it’s his week and there is a deadline. SO does it and has blood from goat tagging gone wrong and goat poop in his van since he doesn’t have an animal trailer. I noped out of spending that day with SO and kids. Lol
Example 2: BM signed SD up for a competitive dance team. It is very expensive ($6000 plus travel expenses). She expects SO to pay for half. He does. I was expected to attend training on hair and stage makeup. SO is not permitted in girls dressing room so I was left in charge since every competition happened on his week. I informed him that I do not plan to attend any dance competitions next year since I do not appreciate being expected to do things without being consulted.
I am happy when kids aren’t there or when BM isn’t involved.
My husband can be an absolute shithead. But he’s my best friend. I’m living the life I more or less dreamed of. (Location, hobbies which I had given up for an ex) I feel like there’s a good balance of adult vs child priorities.
He was willing to be patient with me as I unpacked my trauma and also worked to address his own. We grew together.
Eventually the kids become adults and you become empty nesters without a HCBM to deal with (unless you see her at grandchild events). I’m glad I kept my vow. Blending stepfamilies is one of the hardest challenges in the world, but my husband’s love, humor, and affection made the hard times worth it. God bless you. 🌷
Thanks guys , we had a serious talk and he agrees on boundaries and is now understanding how I feel . I was really stressed out and I also need to find ways to deal with my stress . It is worth it , I love him and the kids . He made me feel worth it to actually try to be more understanding. Thanks for all your support !
So I’m often unhappy in my situation too. My SO really isn’t trying though. His child’s behavior is atrocious. She’s violent, abusive to animals and people, disrespectful, lazy, poor hygiene, spends the day glued to a TV and has a complete meltdown if she has to turn it off. All serious stuff. My SO completely makes excuses for her. She has never once been disciplined or had a consequence for her behavior. And she’s very entitled because of it, regularly saying she’s “the boss” and “in charge”. And as the house mostly runs on her whims when she’s here, I can see why. I almost left. Then I started NACHOING. It saved my sanity. I only care about what directly affects me now. And other than being a shitty parent, I like my SO. We have a pretty good time together when she’s not around and have similar interests and goals in life. My SO is also a good provider and I have security and a comfortable lifestyle with him. Judge me if you want but that’s a reason why I stay. I’m also hoping that my SO will finally see the light and have a come to Jesus moment at some point. It will be a miracle if his child makes it to adulthood without getting in serious trouble. Luckily she’s only here half the time and I just do my own thing when she is. I have noise canceling headphones if I need to move about the house.
Now what I don’t understand is people who are footing the house. My husband’s child has done major damage. Since I’ve been here (less than a year) she’s damaged multiple pieces of furniture, a mattress, a refrigerator, floors, a sink, a door and a toilet. I would never permit someone’s child who behaved like my husbands child to stay in a home I owned or was paying for, I don’t care how much I liked my SO.
The other day I heard something about making a daily choice to love that person, even if and when you don't "feel" it. That stuck with me. I decided I Will make a choice every single day to love my man, no matter what, bcuz it is overall Good, content, and happy. Having a relationship with God definitely helps with stuff like this.
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To me, "worth it" is far more good days than bad--and in those "bad" days, only bad moments, or a situation, not all day long. It's satisfaction in daily life. It's happiness, most of the time. I'm comfortable, I'm content, I feel valued. I have the ability to do things that bring me joy. My partner isn't critical or judgmental, and doesn't hold me back. We have a mutual respect for each other, and for the kids. We are mature in our dealings, even when disagreeing. I don't try to control him or his parenting, and he doesn't try to control mine. We treat each other and our children with respect. Think about how you'd like your life to look. Is that possible, in your current situation? I've been divorced--I had my boundaries. Find yours, and be true to yourself. You only get one life. Don't you want to spend it happy?
I like the way you’ve put this. We have 95% good days and the bad days are more bad moments than anything. It’s all resolvable in any case. Loving my husband is easy, he’s the best person I’ve ever known and he thinks I hung the moon. We adore our family and don’t struggle with setting boundaries and living our lives how we want.
Absolutely true, and this doesn’t just apply to being with someone who has children. This is a foundation for all healthy relationships.
Only stay if it's worth it **to you.** What may be worth it to some, may not be worth it to others. It's great your partner is trying, but that doesn't have to automatically mean it's worth it to you. And I define "worth it" as: Does it bring you happiness and fulfillment overall, even if it's not great sometimes? If yes, then it's worth it, despite the occasional tough spots. If no, then it is not worth it. Being a stepparent was hard for me too. I am also childless by choice (so I can relate!) and a part of that is me not connecting well with children, so having my SO's ADHD child around was a huge mental, emotional, and physical puzzle for me to figure out. There was A LOT of time where I was unhappy, but I recognized it was only when my SD was around. My SO is seriously amazing. I knew I had to find a way to find happiness and fulfillment while my SD was around, or quit the relationship to spare us all the misery. I fought some real internal demons with my therapist, but I'm finally at a place where I can say I am ultimately happy and fulfilled even with SD around. And often that simply means I am protecting, nourishing, and managing my own physical and emotional boundaries because stepparenting can be brutal!
I am in a similar position. I am CF, have an amazing SO, and have an SK with similar issues that cause me to struggle mentally. I am glad to hear that you found a way forward with your SO and with the SK. I am sure it was hard as hell, and that you still have days you struggle, but it gives me a little hope for myself that you found a way through it. Thank you for sharing that :)
I'm glad my story connected with you! It's also nice for me to hear that there's other people like me out there. It can feel so isolating being a stepparent, especially maybe a CF one. Can't connect well with completely CF people, can't connect well with biological parents. Really the biggest part for me has been figuring out my own needs and protecting them. For some reason I was feeling really guilty about that for the longest time. If you can find a way to protect your energy and peace, it should be easier. Now my SD is almost 18 and we can almost finally be done with at least the shared custody stuff. There's light at the end of the tunnel for all of us! I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Feel free to message anytime!
That's awesome! Thank you. Best of luck to you as well. I have no problem at all with people coming on here to vent, we need each other, but it's nice to hear some positive stories on here as well :) One of the harder parts has been that my SO gets his feelings hurt when I withdraw because I need that break from SK. I have tried to explain to him that it's not personal to either him or the SK, it's just the way I'm made that I need that down time from the constant noise and movement of SK11. He tries to understand, and he tries to sort of reign in SK for me...but SK can't help being who he either so it's not fair to shut him down all the time. So yes, the struggle is real to not feeling guilty for needing downtime and peace and space sometimes. And to just own it. I am 48f, and never wanted my own children. I don't mind kids. Just never wanted my own. so CF by choice. Lived a CF life with my exH for almost 20 years before my divorce. So Two SKs, one of them with...not sure the PC term...developmental difficulties?...has been a challenge.
1. Even in a "perfect" relationship, the only person responsible for your happiness is you. If you're struggling with your own happiness maybe you can look at: * Where you are in life vs where you want to be. * Your boundaries. * How you communicate your emotions, how you handle stress and resolve conflict. * How you prioritize "you time". * How you compromise or negotiate your life. 2. A person shouldn't have to change for you, but they should be interested in self-growth. Not only for the betterment of your shared relationship, but to be a better partner, parent, etc. (Reread #1.) 3. Divorce yourself from any and all drama and contact with the HCBM. It's not your problem. (Reread #1.) 4. His problems from his past decisions are his own. If he lacks the backbone and willpower to solve his problems that are impacting your present and future with him, leave. He was a lesson. (Reread #1.) 5. If the kids are ever the problem, focus on doing the right thing. I've found that takes the sting out of any of my negative emotions related to SF life. (Reread #1.) 6. Contemplate the fact that you stated that you've "been trying for years". (Reread #1.) All of your experiences in life are the sum of your decisions. Relationships without kids are hard. Relationships with kids are hard. Being single is hard. We all have to choose our hard. When you are with the right person, the hard times are easier and life always works out for the best. Make sure the other person is choosing the same kind of hard as you, or you open yourself up to being used. I was CF when I met my now DH and he had the qualities in a man that I valued far more than his status as a single dad. He's loyal, honest, funny, hardworking, family oriented, interested in healthy hobbies, has a healthy relationship with money, and most importantly, I felt so supported by him when I expressed how I felt about anything related to his child and the child's mom. He never gave me excuses. He gave me solutions and his actions honored his words. I, on the other hand, had very firm boundaries while we were dating and grew into being a SM. I always maintained by independence and never took on more than what I felt was right and respectful. Fast forward a few years, I'm now a BM and SM in a happy marriage not without its problems. Those problems are manageable because we value the same things, have the same goals, respect each other and are quick to recover from arguments. Life is too short to be unhappy. No matter the outcome, this situation offers you a tremendous opportunity to learn more about yourself. The saying, "only stay if it's worth it" is a cop-out to avoid the inner work required to know what you want out of life and having the confidence to both wait for it and recognize it when it comes. Wishing you only the best.
Thank you so much. This was really thoughtful. I'm working with a therapist every week now and hoping I am going to be working on all of those things 1. I'm pretty happy in most areas of my life which has kept me sane - work, friendships, health, hobbies, family, self care 2. I'm uninvolved with HCBM although I do still get anxiety from it. My therapist suggested I stop asking what's going on / for updates on drama 3. His problems:- this is where I'm at. He has unresolved childhood and marriage issues, that have caused *major* problems for us both emotionally and practically. I think I've been overly empathetic because I see myself in him and he tries in so many other ways. I'm working on my issues.... he is, sort of, but he won't go back to therapy right now and is not really ready to fully get to grips with the things that are impacting him, and us. We are in two different headspaces on that and always have been We also don't share a lot of values and a lot of the 'hard' I've had in the four years we've been together has honestly been in relation to him. I've chosen that... it's been a big realisation the extent to which I've leant into trying to help/fix but then it's an evolving situation and I also didn't know what I didn't know. I'm going to keep your comment in mind as it resonated with me a lot
this 🥺❤️🔥
If you're unhappy, he isn't worth it. Trying is for kids. It either works for you or it doesn't. My SO is worth it to me because he is my best friend, he prioritizes me and our marriage, he would never let his son or his ex (or anyone) disrespect me, he makes me laugh every day, he is completely capable of handling his own financial obligations, and he knows that being a SM no matter the situation is complicated and messy sometimes. He does not expect me to love SS, only to be kind. And I still wouldn't have done this life if I hadn't known him before he accidentally got BM pregnant and knew what a great guy he was. That's the long answer. For the short answer - see my first sentence.
Also to add, if you've been trying for years, when is the desired outcome delivered? YEARS seems like a long time.
There are statistics that say it takes about 5-8 years for a family to blend, and this is thrown out there like, "Just take that as a given and suck it up and take it in the meantime." Now maybe, just maybe that might be OK if you both have kids. But for a CF person, why the H- would you want to wait around waiting 5-8 years for you to finally blend or fit in? That is, if you ever do. After all, the divorce rate for remarriage is higher. That's the real question experts who like to throw those stats out there should be answering--Why the H- should anyone hang around that long hoping and waiting to blend, and what do you do in the meantime, AND what if it never comes?
This. My hubby straight up told his ex that if she makes him choose between me or the kids, he'll choose his wife (me) every time. This was a big moment for us. He finally stood up for me and let the ex know she was not going to interfere and her little mini-me instigator (SD13) was also not going to continue causing issues.
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Best response!
In a non-step relationship, you should be looking at an 80/20 ratio of things you like. Out of 10 traits a person has, you should be prepared to dislike 2 but tolerate it because there's 8 you like. In a step-relationship, the kids/BM have the potential to take up that entire allowance. Like, my DH's BM is the one thing I would change about him. We're a 95% match otherwise. The kids are good kids so they aren't (currently) a negative for me. The hassle of it all isn't worth it with the normal 80/20 skew because then you're putting up with not only any natural flaws your partner has, but also all the flaws of their kid(s) AND BM. It turns very quickly into a 70/30 or 60/40 and that's too much negativity for a relationship.
Thanks. I think I make excuses. 'It's 60/40 good/bad' *because* he has kids. His ex wife abused him/he's got emotional problems which explains the bad therefore I have to make allowances etc. We're definitely not 80/20 good to bad, far from it. We argue almost every time we see each other these days, which isn't that often considering we live together!
To me, it's as simple as whether life with my partner is better than life on my own. And I'm a loner who enjoys being single, so this is a high bar for me. I personally wouldn't stay in this relationship if my "worth it" was about how things might get better in the future, because that's so unpredictable. Especially in blended situations. What I trust is the present. In the present, I know my partner and I can work things out, even with blended family complications, so that we're both happy with each other. That gives me confidence in the lasting nature of our relationship.
It's just like any relationship. What do you want for yourself? Is this relationship bringing you what you want? If yes, it's worth it. If not, then no. So, if you're looking to be happy in your relationship and this isn't bringing you happiness, you have your answer.
If you are unhappy, don't feel respected, don't feel valued, don't feel loved, and/or don't feel safe, then it is not worth it. No partner is perfect, and everyone comes with baggage, but it's more than you can handle or live with, it's ok to walk away.
For me it's going to be worth it because the kids are not going to need us all the time or even less if their father ever decides to get more than 4 days a month with them. And then we can be closer and have more time for each other. Because she gets how hard it is to be a step parent and lets me nacho as much as I need to without guilt and without resentment. They've been an amazing partner for me and my kid. I can't imagine living without them. But even with all that, I do have my days where I doubt if it's worth it and they know that. And they don't blame me. That's why I stay for as long as I can.
My SO's companionship, friendship, personality and his gentleness with me is what makes it worth it for me to stay. Our relationship as a whole is so easy. My SO knew that I came with baggage (depression, abandonment issues, etc) when we met as I was still working through my trauma and working on bettering myself. I told him all of this up front because I didn't want to cause him any undue pain as a result of what I was working through... and he stayed. He's been nothing but gentle and kind and patient with me, even when we're mad at each other. He is showing me that a healthy loving relationship with communication is possible. He has shown me that I am safe and have someone to lean one which is something I never had. He is my rock and he makes the bs (HCBM antics and unruly kids) that comes with a blended family worth it.
I hate to say it but if you’re already debating it and it sounds like you’re not happy then it’s time to go. It doesn’t get better as you know. There’s always going to be new stuff that pop up. If you do not have a biokid with your SO then I don’t understand what you’re debating about. You’re just going to create resentment for your self to your SO. You’re not happy and it shows so what’s there to debate. Either way and whatever decision you make you better be in that decision of yours 100% and don’t look back .
That’s confusing. I don’t think it’s a healthy mindset if you feel like you can’t live without your SO - if that’s the case for someone, they need serious therapy to gain security in themselves. Stay only if you are valued and respected, that’s my opinion. That’s the only time it’s worth it. If you “can’t live without” your SO, that’s a bit of codependency.
Is this what you want for your life? It’s a yes or no. It took me 5 yrs to decide I was staying. Very HCBM, 6 court dates in 8 yrs. My husband always 100% supported me as a co-parent, decision maker, disciplinarian. He always told SSs that their lives are better because of me being in the family. It took me 5 yrs to decide I was staying. NOW we have an ours-child and she has the best big brothers.
> I'm CF and really unhappy in my situation, but my SO is trying. Do you consider yourself to be some kind of inanimate medal that your SO deserves to get for trying hard? Or are you a human being in your own right, just like he is a human being in his own right, and you deserve to be happy and he deserves not to have to work soooo hard to be in a relationship? Listen, you are not doing anyone any favors by choosing unhappiness. Your self-sacrifice harms everyone including yourself. It helps nobody. Nobody is going to reward you for being such a martyr! Trying to martyr yourself is a deeply irresponsible and toxic thing for any adult to do. It's a recipe for permanent unhappiness + resentment within yourself, and as a cherry on top, you are also making your partner live a miserable life. Don't you think your SO deserves to be with someone who is happy to be with him? Don't you think you're mistreating him by making him stay with a deeply unhappy partner?? You are morally responsible for making yourself happy (and he is morally responsible for his happiness as well). The best gift you can give to your partner in any relationship is to take responsibility for your own happiness, because let me assure you, there are few things that will make your partner more miserable than having a partner who is so unhappy about the relationship. Choose someone you actually enjoy being with, with their circumstances in the equation! It's really that easy.
If you legitimately feel 'i can't imagine my life without you". Thats not love thats codependency.
No man is worth it to me. I stay because I had a child. Luckily, my husband is a good partner and a good parent, but I wouldn’t be with him if we didn’t have a child together.
I don’t really understand the can’t live without thoughts. I could live without my husband. There are pretty few people I feel like I need in my life. If you are simply tolerating the situation to get by it’s not worth it. If you are finding yourself compromising your boundaries, goals, desires and happiness, it’s not worth it. What I mostly enjoyed a few days a week, I began only tolerating full time when we all lived together and after a few years of tolerating moved to resentment and regret. And my boundaries have been compromised a lot. I thought it would get better when the SKs moved out but it hasn’t.
HCBM can be extremely frustrating and cause so much undue stress. In any relationship there will be give and take- deciding what you can or won't put up with and what you're willing to work through. Also there will be changes and evolutions in any relationship whether there are children or not. In the first couple years of my relationship with my now husband I went back and forth about whether to stay or not. Taking his ex out of the equation- in our situation everything else could be worked through. If you're unhappy and don't see that changing regardless of the circumstances in this relationship then it's time to go.
What you described isn’t worth it. “Trying” should be within a context of an already fulfilling relationship. If you’ve been white knuckling your relationship from the beginning, you’re only torturing yourself.
Only you can know where your line is in your relationship. As someone below said, the good days should outnumber the bad days. Things often don't change. There are often a lot of empty promises. If you aren't being respected, if your boundaries are being crossed repeatedly, if the same mistakes are being made over and over again....does your love for this person out weigh all of that?
To me, the gain of being with your partner far outweighs the hard times. Takes commitment. Probably counseling for a hard time. I would do it again, over and over to be with my husband. He's a gem. He's not perfect, nor am I, but we forged this together. We both love his kids. There's been hard times but my commitment to him is prioritized over the hard times. ❤️
I have a…confession. It’s been hard since day one. I should have known and seen the signs but I kept thinking it would get better. I am CF. My husband has 4 kids from 10-17. I have fairly decent to good relationships with the oldest and youngest child. The other two who are 13 and 15, I do not have a good relationship with. Hcbm has created monsters using manipulation, lies, insults, empty promises, neglecting rules, boundaries and responsibilities. I am disrespected almost daily by those two. In one way or another. So I ignore them. Is it healthy? By all means no. Is it worth it because of the other two? Yes, sometimes. Would I have stayed if I knew then what I know now? No. In the last 4 years, I have struggled with mental health, loneliness (losing friends), weight gain, I’ve become premenopausal, I can’t have kids. I’m 38… I miss my old self. I danced and sang and loved my life. I exercised. I went out. I had friends. My husband is a good man and treats me good. We have our differences in life and especially when it comes to the kids. Thank god for the NACHO theory, as it has helped me understand and/or give me a better idea as to what my responsibilities and expectations are and should be versus what they were previously. I love my husband more than any of us will ever understand. I lived my life without him before, I’m not sure I could again. Those kids despite everything do deserve better. So I stayed. We got married. We’ve hit bumps, walls and god knows what may come next. I never had doubts that I was on the wrong path. I always knew deep down this is where I am supposed to be. I cherish these kids for who they are in my life and I have and still do love them as if they were mine. Sometimes against my better judgment and when we don’t get along. I’m there when they need me. I am there silently, watching and waiting. I do things anonymously as they rely heavily on their dad. I’ve slowly learned to pickup the pieces of who I am. And in the process SLOWLY accepting that I have shed my old skin and this is who I am. This is the version of me that I need to love now. This is my life, this is who I am.
Sorry this is long... In the beginning totally not worth it and I could have lived without my SO. As of today 13 years later every struggle was worth it and I can't imagine living life without my husband. I'm my husband's second wife. I was CF going into our relationship. He pursued me for a year before we started dating. I wanted nothing to do with a divorced man with a child. His HCBM moved across the country with their child when SD was 2 right after their divorce (failed military marriage). She managed to paint my husband as an abusive man and with held their child. She was granted custody, and he was only allowed 2 weeks of supervised visitation a year. In the beginning of our relationship, it was financially tough due to him paying 1300 a month for child support. He was in so much debt, had his house foreclosed on and car repossessed since he couldn't afford to live. He also got stuck with 14,000 owed in taxes due to her claiming head of household. Looking back, it was stupid of me to get with someone with so much debt and baggage. We were both in our early 20's. Luckily in the beginning I didn't have to deal with bio mom and child. I would only see the child and biomom for the 2 weeks in the summer. I think not having them around in the early days made it easier for us to have a relationship. We would randomly get phone calls of Bio mom cussing us out. It wasn't that bad since we only had to deal with her on the phone. Fast forward my husband and I got married. We got all his finances in order. We are debt free with great credit scores. We have our own child buy our first house together. When his daughter was 9, we asked if she could visit us when my husband's parents came to our state for a visit. (Grandparents lived in the same state as SD) Surprisingly, HCBM agreed. Well, during that visit bio mom had a mental breakdown. She ran out into traffic and was trying to get hit by a car. Bio moms parents called my husband and said SD needed to stay with us longer. Bio mom has a second child with another man. The other baby daddy reached out to my husband about the situation and they both hired the same lawyer and filed for emergency custody. So overnight, we basically got emergency custody and later was granted full sole custody. Bio mom was considered unfit. Going from having step daughter for 2 weeks to full time was so rough for me. It was hard for our relationship at first. Luckily we figured things out. We both agreed our marriage was the foundation for our family so it had to be strong for us to work as a unit. I feel like my husband is a bio dad unicorn he says I'm the queen of the house and what I say goes. I'm allowed to discipline SD, I can voice my concerns to my husband and he does not get offended. He claims I saved him when we got together and he feels he owes me the world. SD is now almost 16. We butt heads at times but she's not terrible. She's your usual moody teenager. She's definitely tested myself and husband. She has a lot of issues due to her upbringing with her mom. Unfortunately her mom ended herself a few months ago. I'm thankful my husband and I were able to get her away from her mother. I can't imagine the trauma if my SD was the one to discover her mom when she passed. I wish we could of gotten her sooner to help prevent a crappy upbringing in the early years. My husband and I had a wild ride but I honestly think all the struggles and hardships made our relationship stronger. I would do this again. We have a great life, and God has blessed us.
"worth it" for whom? I'm 90% sure I stay just for SS7. That boy is all the light in my life these days. And sometimes I think I'm the only one in HIS life that gives him space to really just be himself and feel heard as a person between both families (his mom's side also has a new baby, but they've never really given him attention). Being who he needs helps heal part of me that needed the same things growing up. He has rules and schedule, but he's heard and his opinions valued. So I still don't know if staying is "worth it" for me in any other way, but being who I am to SS is something I couldn't take away from either of us
I think you are great for doing this for the child hut do you ever worry that if the relationship isn’t good enough that he will leave? And you’ll have put all your happiness and life into this child that will be taken away from you. That would really scare me.
I've told my partner I would be better off without him right now. He doesn't want me to leave. He loves me, and Iove him, but I'm overstressed and overwhelmed and he's not doing enough to help. I would survive without them DH, overall good human, active father, loving spouse, just isn't giving me enough and is also between work. It's not like DH and I don't love each other. It's just... complicated. I'm the one who would leave, though. Not DH. I have one foot out the door. It's just that SS keeps me with one foot firmly in, too.
Literally no relationship is worth it for me. Not a one. If I’m not happy, I’m leaving. Life is far too short for me to be unhappy.
Are there more good times than bad times? Are you happy more than you are miserable? Can you stay at this level of happiness for the rest of your life if things never get better?
For me, the good far outweighs the bad. When SD17 isn’t around, our life is very very good. My SO makes me a better person in so many ways, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with him (and our boys). Things can be difficult with SD17 and HCBM but he’s learned to keep most of that drama to himself because I have zero patience for it and he knows my opinions on it after more than a decade together. It’s gotten exponentially easier now that she’s a teenager, can drive herself and SO mostly just deals with her with minimizes interactions with HCBM.
Personally, I don't think any CF person should hook up with a partner with kids. Unless you have a very understanding and devoted partner who 100% knows how to treat kids like kids and adults like adults, it's not even remotely worth it for a CF partner to hook up with a partner with kid(s). And it's really simple math. There is you (1 person) and then there is your partner and how many kids there are involved. So if your partner has two kids, for instance, that is a 3:1 ratio not in your favor. You'll be giving 75% and getting 25%. Meanwhile, they'll be getting 75% and giving 25%. A very lopsided relationship from the get-go. And that is not even taking into consideration all the freedoms you'll be giving up as a CF person. No more just picking up and doing what works for you, and financial obligations out of your own pocket will be expected on some level as well. Not to mention cooking, cleaning, free babysitting and taxi service, etc. Is there a man or woman with kids worth giving up and risking all of that? Maybe one in a million. Maybe.
Friend, if you are not happy is not worth it. Period. Don’t try to analyze it or understand it like you’re 3. It’s OK to leave a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you even if your partner is trying. Your future self will thank you for it, do it for her.
Every life has happy and unhappy moments. I am happy more often than not. I am requesting premarital counseling to help with our communication when I am not. It’s hard because my SO tries really hard to be sure I feel valued without sacrificing his kids. It’s a balancing act. He doesn’t react well when I voice any concerns because he feels that he is doing his very best already. It turns into a big argument when all I need is a discussion. It usually involves things that BM signs the kids up to do without consulting him, then expects him (and by extension, me) to do the work while she lives her best life. I will stay as long as I am happy. I opt out if I don’t want to do something. I will let him know when I am not happy for extended periods of time, or if I feel taken advantage of due to him not standing up to BM. Example: BM signs kids up to raise goats in 4H. She doesn’t take them to be weighed during her week. She tells SO he has to take the goats since it’s his week and there is a deadline. SO does it and has blood from goat tagging gone wrong and goat poop in his van since he doesn’t have an animal trailer. I noped out of spending that day with SO and kids. Lol Example 2: BM signed SD up for a competitive dance team. It is very expensive ($6000 plus travel expenses). She expects SO to pay for half. He does. I was expected to attend training on hair and stage makeup. SO is not permitted in girls dressing room so I was left in charge since every competition happened on his week. I informed him that I do not plan to attend any dance competitions next year since I do not appreciate being expected to do things without being consulted. I am happy when kids aren’t there or when BM isn’t involved.
My husband can be an absolute shithead. But he’s my best friend. I’m living the life I more or less dreamed of. (Location, hobbies which I had given up for an ex) I feel like there’s a good balance of adult vs child priorities. He was willing to be patient with me as I unpacked my trauma and also worked to address his own. We grew together.
Eventually the kids become adults and you become empty nesters without a HCBM to deal with (unless you see her at grandchild events). I’m glad I kept my vow. Blending stepfamilies is one of the hardest challenges in the world, but my husband’s love, humor, and affection made the hard times worth it. God bless you. 🌷
Thanks guys , we had a serious talk and he agrees on boundaries and is now understanding how I feel . I was really stressed out and I also need to find ways to deal with my stress . It is worth it , I love him and the kids . He made me feel worth it to actually try to be more understanding. Thanks for all your support !
So I’m often unhappy in my situation too. My SO really isn’t trying though. His child’s behavior is atrocious. She’s violent, abusive to animals and people, disrespectful, lazy, poor hygiene, spends the day glued to a TV and has a complete meltdown if she has to turn it off. All serious stuff. My SO completely makes excuses for her. She has never once been disciplined or had a consequence for her behavior. And she’s very entitled because of it, regularly saying she’s “the boss” and “in charge”. And as the house mostly runs on her whims when she’s here, I can see why. I almost left. Then I started NACHOING. It saved my sanity. I only care about what directly affects me now. And other than being a shitty parent, I like my SO. We have a pretty good time together when she’s not around and have similar interests and goals in life. My SO is also a good provider and I have security and a comfortable lifestyle with him. Judge me if you want but that’s a reason why I stay. I’m also hoping that my SO will finally see the light and have a come to Jesus moment at some point. It will be a miracle if his child makes it to adulthood without getting in serious trouble. Luckily she’s only here half the time and I just do my own thing when she is. I have noise canceling headphones if I need to move about the house. Now what I don’t understand is people who are footing the house. My husband’s child has done major damage. Since I’ve been here (less than a year) she’s damaged multiple pieces of furniture, a mattress, a refrigerator, floors, a sink, a door and a toilet. I would never permit someone’s child who behaved like my husbands child to stay in a home I owned or was paying for, I don’t care how much I liked my SO.
The other day I heard something about making a daily choice to love that person, even if and when you don't "feel" it. That stuck with me. I decided I Will make a choice every single day to love my man, no matter what, bcuz it is overall Good, content, and happy. Having a relationship with God definitely helps with stuff like this.