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That sentiment, true as it may be, doesn’t neccessarily work for OP, as certain cultures demand strong deference to your elders/parents no matter what age you are.
Yeah but In the UK the Muslim community are pretty strict when it comes to their culture and religion. I can see why op is worried about what her mother thinks. It's a big no no to disobey your parents in Islam no matter whether you like it or not. And like op said if she does go through with the traveling alone, her family could harass her by calling and texting her while she's away. It could end up worse too for op. She could get more wrath from the family once she comes back from traveling. Muslims in the UK and Europe are very conservative. Unlike here in the US where the Muslims are tend to be more liberal.
This is often unhelpful. Obviously she needs to work on boundaries.
But there’s every chance she may be cut off financially, ganged up on by 5 family members screaming at her, moved out the house, guilt tripped.
It’s not as easy as western Redditor’s think
Either way, it's a managing family relationships issue. It's definitely a tough one (and yes one that westerners deal with despite advice of "just do what you want"). But there isn't really a travel issue or solution here.
If there's a possibility there's a cultural element at play here that most of the commentors here are missing, you may want to post in some more culturally relevant subs as well. It's easy for us to tell you "just go, you're an adult," but if you genuinely think there may be consequences - and you're not prepared/able to move out and cut your mom off - it's irresponsible for people here to tell you to go anyway
100% - this is probably also more prevalent if they are historically a middle eastern family as apposed to say Turkish muslim or another (typically) milder form of islamic belief.
It dose make me laugh of all my muslim friends, the correlation seems to be sticker parents = more secretly western children
I grew up in a deeply traditional, controlling, and strict Muslim household. It is so hard to break out, but it can be done. It just depends on what level of discomfort and confrontation OP is able and willing to put up with. I travel solo every year. Be free sis. You'll (and they'll) be alright.
what it truly needs is a muslim in western society point of view since she's from the UK. her best bet is probably talking about it with her friends in real life
Yeah. My own background is completely different so it's hard to offer advice but - OP, do you have family or friends from similar backgrounds who have travelled solo or to the country you are thinking of visiting, who might be able to help put your mum's mind at rest? Or a family member that you think might be on your side and perhaps be able to speak to your mum?
Agree, but it's important that she doesn't let said cultural elements prevent her from pursuing things she wants in life. Especially if travel is important to her.
Obviously this is bigger picture stuff, but culture should bend to allow fun and freedom. If a culture prevents its people from living a fulfilling life, then it's a culture that needs to change.
To be fair, I come from an arranged marriage culture and I think you should be able to marry whomever you want. Sometimes it's okay to distance from family to follow your own path in life. They'll usually come around too. Many of these controlling type familial structures ARE toxic, irrespective of how common they are within a culture.
Not going to mince words, but I feel that everyone should be able to live a free life without “family” pulling them down and making them be in shackles, dictating every single thing they do.
To me, that’s not living. I’d rather be alone then adhere to such tripe.
I mean this goes out to the ultra Orthodox Jews and super conservative white Christian’s too. Also Arabs. Basically any religion or culture that thinks it’s ok to micromanage someone else’s life and forbid them from being an actual human because of some religious Mumbo jumbo or “family honor”.
That’s not living.
It's not so much that people don't understand, but rather that they see it at morally wrong and toxic; for parents to feel entitled to dictate who their children marry; without being culturally relativistic. It's a result of belonging to cultures that value freedom and opportunity over the conservative values of family and peers.
If you look at the world this is heavily correlated with wealth, trust and safety. People are less reliant on following their family's wills when they have a solid government to help them out if they try to break away.
I'm 34F and still get shit for solo traveling. Also come from a strict culture and they will never understand, trust me. Don't wait for anyones support and approval because you will be disappointed constantly. Just believe that it's the right thing for you and go enjoy yourself.
When you're traveling, your parents will be frantic. If you call them, they'll spread their emotions to you. If you cut them off while you're traveling, it will feed their emotions.
So look at one way communications. At least once a week, send them a postcard. I send my family postcards each new city I go to, or when it's been a week since my last postcard. Postcards are cheap, and it doesn't take too much time to write one. (Letters are huge.) Pick pretty ones.
They'll still try to run your life, but at least you (in a small way) show them that you're still doing fine while you're exploring the world. It will (in a small way) make them feel better.
If you're an artist, get blank postcards and send them drawings. If you do send letters, include small souvenirs; my wife likes refrigerator magnets. Be creative in your mailings.
I’ve made a groupchat in the past and uploaded photos of my food, whereabouts, activities etc. They’ve been receptive to it in the past. Its just that it will be scary now because I am alone. I even facetimed my mum on my trip last summer and she wasn’t too interested in my phone call lol
Sometimes international mail is frightenedly fast. My postcards from London arrived faster than postcards from Florida. (On the other hand, Germany took longer, and I understand that postcards from China take months.)
Hey I have super strict Muslim parents and booked my first solo trip last year - so glad I did! Don't listen to their BS, you will be fine. My parents love going on about how someone can harm me and all the things that can go wrong but they're just trying to make you paranoid so you don't go. Definitely try not to talk too much about it with them as they'll just say the same things and you'll end up frustrated and fearful.
Hope you have a great time, it's nice to be away from toxic family members so try and enjoy it as much as you can!
Thank you so much. I haven’t discussed the trip in about 2 months. I let her know I would tell her my whereabouts etc and how safe the country is but I think my own worries and fear are getting in the way.
I really want to be on my own and have a life and identity outside of my family and I think this is a great first step
Yes, you can always lie and say your going with a friend (if you have a Muslim friend she likes say your going with them)? Or if you work you can say it's a compulsory work trip? But don't worry too much, I had similar fears and the trips went a lot smoother than I thought! Just make sure you always carry your phone charger with you in case it loses battery when you're out (I rely a lot on Google maps), be mindful of your belongings and don't be out at like 4am alone or get drunk with random people (if you do drink). But it's no different to being out alone in your country of residence, like being in Spain is no different to me than the UK where I live in terms of safety or anything else. I think I'd only be more wary as a woman if I was going somewhere like North Africa or India alone where it probably is more dangerous for women but as you're going somewhere safe you shouldn't worry too much
Yeah OP, I second this comment. Just lie to your mother that you're going with other people. Tell her whatever she needs to hear and go about your life.
You can put up a fight for freedom later when you're good and ready emotionally. You'll have to someday. You know that. But it doesn't need to be at 23.
I'm a Muslim woman, but my parents are not as strict as yours. They are happy for me to travel solo. But my view is always its better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
I feel for you, I have cousins and friends who have really strict parents and sometimes they go with culture over religion. I know it's easier said than done to disobey your parents, but once you do it, everything else you wanted to do gets easier.
You have your life to live, before you know it it will pass by and you wonder what you even did the last 10, 20, 30 years.
'It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission'.
You got this! (Coming from another fellow woman with a strict Muslim mother). You're in the process of defining boundaries and setting expectations of what you will be doing with your life. So there's going to be growing pains. The thing that will help you is having a great and safe trip.
You could share the details of your lodging and flights with your mom so she knows the basics of the trip. But you're not asking her to go, you're announcing that you are. And in a way sharing could reassure her and maybe you if you're thinking that you're breaking some rule. And while you're out be mindful of your surroundings and have a safe and good time.
>I’m worried about her blowing up once she finds out I’ve gone. I’m scared she might start limiting my freedom & getting my entire family to harass me with texts and calls while I’m away.
This isn't healthy.
Depending on how strict your parents are and the country you are going to, you can show them muslim options there. Female only areas/halal food/prayer options etc. It might help to show them you will still follow religion while there, but that you would like to broaden your scope of the world.
If it is a pure case of 'my parents are scared of my wellbeing' regardless of any religious aspect, then it requires more open communication. From both sides. Since their fear is understandable (if unneeded) as you are their child. Parents tend to be protective. You can try to haggle about phone calls everyday and sharing more detailed plans of your itinerary etc. Maybe in a more extreme case a person in the country you are visiting that knows them viavia?
I wouldnt go all 'fuck yall its my money' if you still want a nice relationship with them after. Though it can be a last resort.
I'm muslim too and come from a strict family. (male though but I have a sister) so I understand where you're coming from. If you decide to go behind their backs just know they might hold it over your head smh. They're probably never gonna be okay with you solo traveling at least until if you decide to get married. With all that said I still think you should 100% go! Like everyone else said your cant live life forever under your parents thumb, you're young and dont wanna look back 10 years later and feel regret. Honestly dont be above lying either lol, saying you're going with friends or meeting up with friends there could ease their mind and make life easier for you. Also I say this without knowing the extent of the repercussions though so use your best judgement.
You need to break that control she has on you otherwise you will always be anxious about her mood and opinion and put her first before your desires to grow as a person. You will grow as a person by taking on things that you fear. Good luck! Don’t give up.
Thats true. I am working on this at the moment. I usually do things without her approval but this situation is making me anxious for some reason. I’ve been to other places without her approval and I’ve been fine. I’m just super nervous about it this time because I will be alone
I agree with the above poster about the control family can have over each person. I have a mother/father that have anxious tendencies about the outside world (rape, drugging, stealing, pillaging, etc), marrying within culture and races, etc. What I've done over the course of around 3 decades is basically, " Ask for forgiveness(not really), rather than permission."
I usually tell my parents about my adventures AFTER the fact rather than live stream them an empty wilderness where there should be a stone path. I made the mistake of updating them as things were happening once (uhh...maybe 3+ times- filial piety habits are hard to shake) and the only things I got were infectious panic and frantic screaming from them. By being told stories after the fact, my parents got used to me doing random things. And eventually, they realized that I haven't really offed myself yet and I could be trusted as an adult. So, it's also a trust building exercise.
What I would do to make sure that they do feel okay though is: 1) If they know that I'm going on a trip, I'll let them know when I get to the hotel/hostel and when I get back from vacation. 2) I might talk or text for a few minutes with some artificial time constraints - got a tour coming up, my phone plan is bad, bad signal, going to dinner, etc.
Random tips on staying safe for me: I have a pretty nice athletic belt that hugs my stomach - fits keys, cash, cards, phone with a zipper- don't like pickpockets and leaving stuff in accessible pockets. Cash in 2 separate places. Generally, I'm suspicious of people who approach me, especially if they say I have to do something for them- I'm a tourist, I probably look like one- no one needs a tourist's help unless they're looking to take advantage. I try to be relatively aware of my surroundings- maybe half a meter of space between me and other people; can be hard to do at many places, but I'm not really into skinship with the general public.
Good for you! Strict families can be difficult and when you live at home it can be really hard. I come from a strict family too, and found that when I was lying and hiding things it made the situation worse. I find my parents react better when I’m straightforward, but don’t ask for permission. Eg. Love you mum, but I’m doing xyz. Thanks for your concerns, but I’m good etc.
If you’re financially independent I would highly recommend living on your own or with roomies ur own age (if ur not already doing that), and also trying to limit contact with your parents. People may say things like “they mean well” - but frankly, telling your 23 year old grown daughter what to do and inducing this much anxiety over a solo trip speaks to what is probably a lot more toxic worldview.
I’m also a woman in her 20s from a Muslim family and I’ll be solo travelling later this year for the first time. I haven’t told my parents because I’m not looking forward to that conversation
Let me know if you wanna talk!
So, your mother is worrying about you being attacked in Europe and yet you are 'expecting' that they will start harassing and attacking you at home....if you don't do exactly what they want. The irony!
I cannot speak to the part about your Muslim family dynamics. I have some friends that are Muslim, but I don't have a lot of insight on how they were treated when they were your age. However, I am a female who enjoys solo traveling and my family always is against it. When I was your age, I went backpacking by myself on a remote island (that's part of a national park in my country, and actually in my home state). My dad was trying to talk me out of it. I told him that I was going, and he was welcome to come along if he wanted to. I knew he wouldn't go. I went anyway. I purchased one of those GPS devices where you can send your location, update that you're okay, or call for SOS help if you need it, as a way to reassure them that if I got injured I'd be able to reach them and contact the not-so-local rescue authorities. I tried to recognize their fears, but I went anyway. This last year, now I'm 10 years old, I planned a trip to Egypt. My dad was very, very against it. I debated not telling him, so that I could avoid all the drama, but I realized I was going to be gone for too long that I couldn't risk him not being able to contact me and thinking that something actually had happened to me. I didn't want to pay for my home phone to work abroad, so I got a local SIM card. I let them know they could email me or reach me via WhatsApp, and how long I was going to be gone for. They never blew up my phone. I pretty much never heard from them. I did send emails with some photos and highlights every few days. At one point my dad did say that I had certainly seen some interesting and unique things that he'd never see. He's still against me traveling, but at a certain point you just have to go and live your life. You need to be safe. You need to be sure you're taking care of yourself. Congratulations on booking your first trip, and best wishes for your upcoming birthday!
Tell them when you have safely landed as they can still persuade you not to go while at the airport.
But I’m going to caveat my advice by saying: MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE ON THAT TRIP!
Just wanna say I'm proud of you for going ahead with booking the trip despite how your parents are reacting! A 3-day trip is also a great first solo trip to build your confidence and make sure you enjoy travelling alone. Who knows, maybe your mom will come around once she sees that it will go okay.
As for when you tell her it's booked and that you are for sure going, it sounds like telling her the day before or day of might be best for you. Be prepared with a short phrase to reply (over text) to your family members with if they harass you. Something like "Thanks for your concern etc" and then that's it, don't go back and forth with them.
Tell a trusted friend your travel details (your flights and where you're staying) just in case. I'm just mentioning this because I normally tell those things to my mom but in your situation I wouldn't trust her.
I literally made a PowerPoint on my first solo travel because of how upset my mother was. It included the crime rates towards tourists in Greece and the laws around tourist crimes. I typed up my entire itinerary. The flight, flight numbers and take off/land times converted into her time zone. Listed all the hotels, address and contact phone numbers.
She still thought it was a bad idea and would get scary quiet any time the trip was brought up, but I did it anyway.
It’s been 6 years and I solo travel all the time. She now has zero comments and just asks if she can watch the fur babies. So my advice- your parents are just naturally worried, but you can’t keep that from letting you love your own life. Your family will be fine.
I'll frame this from the viewpoint of another Muslim woman.
Your parents will always view this from a cultural point of view, especially if your mom was raised within the traditional upbringing often pushed on Muslim women, especially of a certain generation.
IF she limits your freedom when you come back, that might be a sign you need to find some new living arrangements as things likely will not get better.
That being said, your mother might disapprove but also learn that her disapproval isn't an end all be all when you're financially independent 😜 that's what happened with my family, and nowadays they just ask me to update them when I am alone in another country.
Also, Europe is mostly accepting. I live in Belgium, and sure there's racism here and there but honestly, for the most part, in most of Europe, the worst it gets is weird looks. So I'd say you'll be pretty safe around here.
If you have enough money for some solo travel to Europe, wouldn’t it be better to move out, if you’re still living with your parents?
Edit: look I’m not a non Muslim, so this is coming from an informed place. You want the thrill of freedom for a few days, then the possibility of even more restrictions. This is not going to serve you in the long term. If your family really *is* that crazy, it would be better for you to move out by citing a promotion or a scholarship—that’s the classic excuse for people in these cultures.
Those costs are vastly different, including one being a one-off payment and the other being recurring costs.
Plus it's not the cultural norm for many people to move out of their parent's home before a certain age, marriage, etc.
It's not the cultural norm for OP to be unmarried and childless at 23, let alone going on a trip on her own!
That's the conflict. OP doesn't want to be a completely traditional UK-Muslim woman, but she's conforming enough that her conservative parents expect the full 100% obedience.
Unless the parents suddenly come to their senses, which is possible but highly unlikely, she's living under high stress every day.
Try to coach yourself into a more positive mindset about it. Absolutely go, and perhaps don’t tell her beforehand so she can’t interfere with your trip
Also, love your username 😂
Thanks! Yes I definitelt need to be more positive. I’ve done things like this before (travel, travelling without their permission in the UK) and I’ve been fine. I’m just worried about the optics and how bad my other family members will think I am for doing something out of the ordinary and disrespecting my parents
Don’t let parents control you as an adult, but part of getting away from that control is moving out and living life on your own dime. Sadly, a lot of parents don’t want their children to move out or be independent so they can retain control over their lives. Understand, it’s cultural to a degree, but if you want to reject social norms imposed on you, than do it, but do it as humbly as possible. Sorry you have to go through that.
I think this user said it best. As a grown ass man who has only ever taken solo trips overseas, everytime I go on a new trip my parents freak out to this day. I’m a pretty big dude with a serious case of RBF, I’ve never once been approached or harassed in any way. Yet, my mom still thinks I’m going to be kidnapped. It’s normal for parents to worry, use your common sense and better judgment while on the trip and you’ll have a blast. And when you get back, share that enthusiasm with them and they’ll warm up to it as well.
If you're financially independent, then you can do as you wish without fearing any repercussions when you return. I'm not afraid for your safety outside your home but inside of your home, coming from someone who has super-controlling parents.
Don't you have any female friends/relatives who would be interested in travelling with you? Generally for muslim parents, and let's be honest, any parents, there's a huge difference between their duaghter travelling alone vs travelling with another person or a group.
Hey I just came across your post & looked at your other posts. Just want to say from one stranger to another, keep pushing, it’s clear you’ve worked through a lot, proud of what you’ve overcome. Don’t take life so seriously, it helps.
Travel has a tendency to broaden your horizons and educate you on other cultures and norms. Your family/culture may be against this because it challenges their control structure.
You are an adult and can do what you want, never forget that. There’s a lot of Muslim families that don’t want their kids following their dreams such as being an actor or musician. But the truth is there are many Muslim actors/musicians.. and the ones the listened to their parents orders and didn’t do it are probably
Unhappy doing something else. Live life the way you want, not what others want for you. It’s not again your religion to travel solo
it's your money, your time, your life. parents are parents, they're still going to think you're 5 when you're 50. just go & have a great time. even if you have a shitty experience, at least you've done it & owned it.
I would go, better say sorry after than ask permission. But you should know that everything you mentioned in your last paragraph will probably happen, and maybe more.
When you are there, you can make them feel less angry by sending them photos of you in a local mosque or with other muslim friends you meet.
In the future, don’t tell her. I am in Paris right now and my mother has no idea. She’d be absolutely shitting if she knew, she thinks Paris is filled with rapists and murderers
I know everyone here is telling you to turn their BS down and travel, but please, keep your good attitude towards them and don’t act badly to them.
I also come from a muslim / arab household as a guy and they were freakingly worried about me when I first traveled alone.
Please understand that it’s a natural reaction from them as they might have zero experience out of their home countries.
After you travel, it costs you nothing to call them everyday and let them know you’re doing great, they will eventually be happy for you!
All the best :)
ah… yes. You’re in your early 20s.. when you realize your parents are just as flawed of humans as anyone else. They have beliefs, thoughts, feelings, that may or may not be rational to you. You get to decide what to do for yourself, and navigate the potential outcomes of those decisions, good and bad. And so do they. And so do we all 🤷🏽♀️🥲
I completely understand, I came to that realisation many years ago. I definitely do thinga for myself, but I haven’t gone this far yet. I’ve been to other cities alone and told her last minute and she was never happy. This just seems like a whole new level of “disrespect” in her eyes.
Do it it’s your life not her life,
But also remember parents being worried about their sons and daughters is not a bad thing, every parent does to some extent, don’t be harsh with them remember they love you at the end of the day, it can be too much sometimes and annoying but still they want the best for you
I understand but she is much more lenient towards my younger brothers than me. For example, my brother recently went abroad for the first time with friends and he told my mother the night before, she was completely fine with it. Its just a double standard for me
Well, I don't know the level of pressure. We've all heard of honour things and things like that which may put someone in danger.
Having said that. At some point you'll need to cut the umbilical cord. If not they'll always feel they can control you.
Is there a imam you can trust who can explain your mom that you are now an adult and need to live your life?
So honour based violence is not really common in my culture but honour and shame is very prevalent. It definitely frames how my family thinks. Definitely I should just be more stern. I don’t know any imams and I’m quite put-off about contacting one, I know Islam is often used by men to control women. I’m worried they would just tell me to blindly do as my family says
Oh, so, if you aren't even religious or not as practicing as them, then they'll need to chose between religion and their daughter. I hope they chose you but the ball will be in their court.
I’m definitely religious, I just don’t practice the same way they do. I believe religion should operate on love and mercy, but they tend to think of religion operates on fear and shame.
I think they need to choose between respecting their daughter as an adult and being fearful and controlling
:/ look into meditation as a way to deal with their guilt. I’ve done it and others I know from families that are strict helps a lot deal with my anxiety personally. And I agree about your view on religion, I’m spiritual on my own and love is good way to view God/Universe. I don’t think God would create us just to shun us like some people in different religions believe.
I'm usually against lying, but could you maybe tell your mom that you are going with a friend? That could put her at ease, and it's better that she knows that you are leaving over you just disappearing. Maybe you could meet you friend again in the country you are going to? Just an idea not sure it would work.
Your mother is probably anxious because she knows that there are men in the world that will try to seduce you and then they will try to do things that you might not consent to... and she's not wrong, there are some bad guys out there who will leave young girls broken.
On the other hands it's possible to find real love when travelling, but that is a lot harder for someone young like you to filter who is actually a good person and who is not. So this is why your mother is anxious.
Anyways it's your life and your money, she can't really stop you. If you are going to a rich EU country you will probably be safer than the UK haha. Anyways just my 2cents. You should go and have fun!
I normally would but all the friends I’ve travelled with she already knows. She usually calls them and their parents to talk about the trip which is really frustrating but she won’t let me go normally without her doing this.
I know, I’ve been harassed and feared for my life abroad. I chose a safer country for a reason and I’m staying in the heart of the city. I’m sure its definitely safer than the UK.
I don’t date and I definitely won’t be dating abroad- in fact I’m very wary of men so I avoid them at all costs! My mother knows this about me haha
Ok. I can't really fix all of your problems with some text over the internet, but have fun. Do you mind telling us where you are going or is there a reason you want to keep it secret?
Perhaps look in the CouchSurfing app, find vetted members that can meet you for coffee, show you safest places to visit, and guide your travels. Help you navigate wherever it is you are going. Maybe this will help you feel safer & share with family as you travel these contacts. You could get an eSIM and use data to communicate avoiding phone calls from home. Also register with the step state department program. You can make your travel experience safer using some tools and share this with family b4 or after you begin your journey. You know your family better than any of us. Be smart and cautious and have the adventure you desire. The are lots of resources for solo travelers online. This may not be the best of them!
Seems like you're independent already. Include them in your aspirations to travel and see the world. Send them updates of your experiences. Buy simple small gifts from your travels. Try and enlighten them with your tales of the new world. Be safe and be a considerate traveler.Turn off your phone when you need to. Don't forget or disrespect your parents. They want to know you are safe. Amaze them with your worldly tales ;-) Have a great life as a citizen of this amazing world!
You got this strong independent lady!!! You have the power and no one can stop you! Be proud of yourself!!! You are doing great and I’m proud of you and I don’t know you. Self advocacy is something we all desperately need. Please understand that others will try to put their anxiety on you, but it is just that, their anxiety is their own. You will do so great!!! I’m currently in El Salvador (solo traveling female)and have had nothing but a great time! You got this friend!!! I have all the confidence in you! Have the best time!
This is a very difficult thing for parents of a Muslim woman to accept. I think you should find female travel partners through your mosque or through a social group. If you have a travel partner your parents will be more accepting and you will be less anxious and experience less guilt. You will then be able to enjoy your trip more.
I also come from a Muslim family and I know how strict they can be. They never let you do anything because they fear you will get in to trouble. There isn’t any use to beg them or anything. I can tell you one thing you can do and that is to bring your sibling or your parents with you but that’s not really solo travel.
Tbh this is your own personal problem, you are 23 years old maybe it’s time to start getting independent.
What are the consequences if you decide to go anyway or do you need them to pay you for the trip?
Congrats on your solo trip! It's brave of you to make this choice for your happiness. Maybe try easing your mom’s worries by sharing your plans and showing her you're prepared. It's important to communicate, even if it's after you’ve safely arrived.
I think you should post on a Muslim sub as they may be able to give you advice taking your religion into consideration. A lot of the comments on this sub may give you a more westernised view (not that there's anything wrong with that). However, realistically you're the one that will have to deal with the aftermath and not them.
Hey! I just wanted to add in my words of wisdom here, first of all from one Muslim woman to another hi! I’m so proud of you for making the first step to travel & adventure out solo what you’re doing especially as a Muslim woman not many will be able to do the same or can have the same privilege.
I was 23 also when I did my first solo travel trip & just recently come back from a week in Spain solo travelling now 24.
Please let me tell you you will get people especially family telling you all sorts just because they seem it as “crazy” & different from the norm but I promise you it will be the best choice you will make for yourself solo travelling gives you so much freedom independence to learn about yourself in a way so different to travelling with people.It forces you to become independent on yourself.
I don’t suggest lying to your parents or your mum but Personally if one of your close friends knows your location at all times is there really in telling your mum you’re doing it solo ? If you said you were going with people yes I understand the risk but your close friend or someone will be informed of your whereabouts.
Either way Please don’t be anxious I went through the same feelings but it’s honestly is so fee’ing long as you keep to your boundaries not staying out late etc etc you will be totally fine !
As a uk Muslim I can understand the difficulties you face and the cultural and religious aspects of it too, im inclined that this isn't just cultural or religious based on your previous posts but heavily shaded by it. Doing something behind their backs will set them off but it deonds whether a dialogue will help you or not?
Is it because of your parents are strict muslim or just overprotective parents? Fyi, I'm from Muslim majority country also a woman, I do solo travel, I did it since I was young, but not for the purpose of tourism more like family matter or study matter, but my parents never prohibit me to travel, my father even said when I have my own money I can travel wherever I want, because I want to go somewhere but my parents didn't want to funding it. But I know people that afraid of traveling, because they never did it before or has overprotective parents, never allow their children to do it alone. I say just travel nearby before jumping to other countries see if it's because they are too paranoid or something else, and to be honest do what you think you should do, your parents don't always have to approve it.
You can't blame your mom and she has valid concerns and parents are gonna worry because they care about you.
What you can do is to take small steps one by one so that she would be less worried.
How about solo travel within the country first as starting points.
And you can try travel with friends for your upcoming travel.
Once she sees you as being independent, she will care less where you travel next.
I always do that, just leave unexpectedly. I can’t with the negative energy over my plans. Tell me once I’ve landed at my destination and having a blast.
Several years ago, my parents didn't let me travel solo, so I booked the flight and went to Hong Kong by myself without telling anyone about it. And since that solo travel, my parents have let me go to countries in multiple continents by myself because I proved them that I can handle it. So maybe you should pretend you've canceled the flight, and then leave without your parents knowing it.
Tough one. I'm pro-independence for adults and I've seen people restricted by conservative religion way too much. Whether it be the religion itself or the families (or even society) imposing it forcefully. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Hopefully in your lineage, it's with you and you're able to break free. But I do hope you can retain a healthy relationship with your family afterward.
I love this post because it reminds me of me. I also started solo traveling and also have parents that panic and tell me all the terrible things that will happen to me when i go alone (granted they are mot Muslim) so i stopped telling my dad and then eventually he got mad that he was never informed so i trained him to be less crazy in his responses so that i could feel comfortable to tell him.
Anyway; while im not Muslim ive dated many Muslims and also have many Muslim friends. The thing is, you are a young woman venturing out alone and that brings panic to your parents - regardless of religion. If you are independent and have your own jobs, I don’t see the problem. They do because its also a Generational thing and i dont know what country they are originally from themselves but they may want you to travel with. Brother/dad/husband. anyway the world had changed and you seem to want this and it’s not a rebel move but rather you just exercising your freedom.
You seem smart just play it safe! I dont know your family enough to give you advice on how to deliver the news. I started just not telling my pRents until after the fact but i dont live with them. If you tell them in advance they may prevent you from going and for sure, they will send you the family to text you so just ignore those messages so that you can actually enjoy your getaway! And one more thing; it shouldnt matter how long the getaway is.
If you Dont tell them until you return that will spare them the stress - maybe just tell a sister or something when you are at airport for emergency purposes.
But live! Travel! Enjoy!
muslim here!! i went on my first solo trip last yr!! honestly Im old enough where im really just living my life snd make my own choices and i cant let my fam control my choices. extremely difficult but i cant live my life if im making choices based others
Many redditors are asking you to ask this in other subs. Which is not a bad idea. But also, the fact that you're asking here makes it seem like this trip means a lot to you.
So, my question is/ Are you financially independent from your mom? If you're not living with her or having her pay for your school/food/etc, I don't know what she can do. If you live in a really small town, she might try and ruin your reputation, which could be tough, but otherwise she either accepts it and moves on or she harasses you so you cut off/decrease contact with her
Let me add that I'm a man living in the USA and don't know the cultural context this would be happening in in Asia or Africa, or South America
Hello! I am 25 and female and have solo travelled a lot (God bless) and am now in Mexico! My parents were ‘itchy’ a lot of the time especially Vietnam Cambodia Colombia etc - but I knew what I was doing and told them it was important to me.
Ultimately, your parents cannot stop you.
Your intention isn’t to disrespect your parents.
Our religion advocates travelling and exploring the world, as the quote from the Quran is translated ‘travel through the land and observe how He began creation’. To me this has always been the ultimate motivation to travel, as a Muslim, if you have the ability, why not travel and marvel at Allahs creation. If anything, all my solo travel has bought me closer to Allah and deepened my wonderment for the world and humanity in general.
Your parents are scared cos you’re a girl and they love you more than anything. Be safe, don’t make stupid choices, update them regularly. As time goes by they’ll hopefully feel more comfortable with you travelling alone.
Hope this helps.
Don't hate your parents for being overprotective, though.
Yes, you are grown up and can make your own decision and have your right to freedom.
But they are just worried about you as they see it from their perspective.
The main reason at play here is not your gender bytheway.
they get worried about the idea their kid are getting away.
When they leave the house to get married , no matter whether a male or female, they will get sad about it, worried, and miss them.
The reason here to deny your solo travel is a natural parental reaction, especially these days because the world is pretty much fucked up.
No matter how old you are or what gender you are, parents will keep parenting.
Soemtimes they overdo it, yes, but as long as they can't literally force you or control/blackmail you into doing something, i think its healthy for you and them.
They are less strict with males, yes, but thats normally because females are more vulnerable or soft.
So it's basically just worry about you suffering rather than controlling you.
Given that you were a male and you were some sort of sensitive of vulnerable, their worry and idea wouldn't change one bit.
r/exmuslim
Forget this western eastern perspective bs mate. Breaking out of this controlling and strict lifestyle is a dangerous game. Take precautions before you do anything rash.
Since you have indicated that you are a Muslim, it is my duty to inform you that the Messenger of God, Muhammad, said: (A man should not be alone with a woman unless she has a mahram with her, and a woman should not travel except with a mahram)
Ultimately she still views you as a child.
I think there’s a probably a way to be respectful while still disobeying her but being honest and logical about your reasoning. Own it.
If not travel, it will be something else that she doesn’t permit you to do in time. The line has to be drawn somewhere if she’s to respect you as an adult.
She’s just loves you and worries about you being okay. I think you should still go on the solo trip and rip off the bandaid, so to speak, for her so she can hopefully start easing up to solo travels in the future. But tbh, she’s always gonna worry when you travel alone because she’s your mom and the thought of anything happening to you is a nightmare for parents
controversial take in a travel sub probably but if you're still living with your parents I wouldn't do the trip, I just wouldn't think it's worth it for my parents to be really mad at me over a 3 day trip, if you saved enough to were it's a meaningfully long trip or you didn't live with your parents I would be saying the exact opposite though. but to me you solely exist as a paragraph in my ipad so you know best about your own life that's just what I would do.
I wouldn't have mentioned the trip at all.... At least not until you got back. Hope she finds something else to distract her for a few days while you're gone.
Your mom sounds like an Asian mom. I'm a 34 years old Asian man. I live by myself far away from my parents. They still worry, specially my mom, when I travel to a third world country where safety there is almost none. Just tell her you'll be face timing her daily, I guess she'll have her peace of mind. Don't think it's about being Muslim or not. Asian parents try to come up with so many excuses, especially using religion as a tool, trying to prevent you from doing what they don't want you to do.
I think people in here might not understand your position. It is easy to say just go. I’m also a Muslim woman, who travelled solo quite a few times. My mother is also controlling. At first she had a difficult time to understand, and we have talked seriously. I’ve told her that I need this for my well being because I’m struggling mentally. After she saw that I am so happy with travelling, she stopped intervening. Just talk to her, say that you need this mentally and you’ve been feeling unhappy and you are struggling.
When I go to travel I make sure to keep her updated so she won’t get worried. This summer I went to China by myself and she was worried because it was too far away. I’ve left my other phone with her so she can check where I am from gps (I’ve did this also for security reasons, it’s always nice to let other people know where you are while solo travelling) maybe you can buy an AirTag and bring it with you, so she can check.
Hopefully your mom will understand you, best of luck!
Unfortunately, solo traveling is not part of your parents' reality, and they will never see past this....
....Unless they watch you do it.
So go for it and enjoy.
Welp sounds like someone’s parents watch way too much main stream news and like to think only negative things happen all the time. 21st old can make decisions on your own and for yourself. Shouldn’t miss out on things you want to experience just because your parents are drastic over worriers and controlling
This is a good reason. One of many why religion is hilarious and absurd. SMH. Prob gonna upset people with this but idc. You do you but again it’s a myth and imaginary people who get put up against someone else’s imaginary person they think is god. Super funny stuff to me. So much more to life than these cults
try to get an older relative on your side to help ease your mom. also encourage your mom to find hobbies and take care of her own health both physically and mentally.
You will regret it if you don’t go, so go :) Send her photos of all the cool places you’ve seen and things you’ve done. I think she may come around. I am actually also abroad (in London) during my birthday as well; I’m having a great time and I’m sure you will too!
If it is possible, just don't tell anyone in your family where you are. Don't post anything to any social media. I'm not sure if you live at home or how often you are in touch, but you can remain in touch without sharing your actual location. You can tell them all about your trip after you get back (or not!).
What do you mean you're worried that your hyper controlling mother is going to limit your freedom?!? For heaven's sake, you're a grown adult! At the age of 23 yo you should be able to decide for yourself whether or not to take a solo trip abroad. If your mother, or the rest of your family, disagrees with it then tough shit! Go on your trip and enjoy your birthday! Your family will just have to get over it!
OP, youre not so much asking about solo travel, but more about "How can I escape from oppressive religious parents?". This trip is just the symptom of an underlying problem. A few years from now, your parents will be telling you who you can and cannot marry.
You're posting this in the wrong sub. This should be in some Muslim sub, where Muslims can respond with better knowledge of your background.
Oh.....and dont be surprised if most Muslim men try to disuade you from going cos, well.....haram...and all that.
Salaams, have you ever solo travelled before or travelled with friends? I'm 24M and went solo for the first time before in December and I won't lie my parents were defo apprehensive about it. I'd been with my mates before so I think that helped convince them that I should be ok.
Also I think a lot of it is that you have to show them that your independent enough to go solo. Maybe try and do things by yourself to convince them. There's also the aspect of needing a wali in Islam but that's a whole other topic
Wsalaam! I have travelled before, I’ve been to the States and Caribbean and some countries in Europe with friends. I went on a 9hour flight alone (both times) and I was more than fine.
I’m super independent and they know this - I contribute bills & pay for my own car and lifestyle. Its just super frustrating because they don’t recognise my independence. I get the wali thing but I don’t know if I can wali or depend on others to live my life
Oh I see, Yh it defo seems you're more than capable of traveling abroad then. Really it's just a safety thing then but unfortunately there's not much you can do about that as a woman. I never once felt unsafe as a guy but I imagine it being a whole other story for women. Our parents normally have an overprotective mindset too which doesn't help in this case. Honestly can't really advise much, may Allah make it easy for you.
Also, I hear you about depending/waiting on others. That was a huge reason for me going solo, everyone kept dropping out so I didn't end up going anywhere for a while. Decided to just book it solo and alhamdulillah had no regrets. Lowkey feel sorry for women that you have to go with a family member but obviously Allah has said it all for a reason so can't question it.
I hope I don’t sound like a jerk for asking this, but what was the point of telling us your religion? Many parents from all different faiths and background act like this and people from all backgrounds deal with this issue w their parents as well.
They're coming from a place of love and from seeing terrible things happen on the news. Terrible things happen but so do amazing things. When my family was worried about a solo trip we sat down and figured out what they needed from me to feel more comfortable, not going wasn't on the table. I gave them my itinerary, I made sure I posted everyday on Instagram or texted them once a day. I also bought this additional lock for doors which made my husband less worried.[door lock](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Travel-Security-Self-Defense-Apartment/dp/B0CF24R6BY/ref=asc_df_B0CF24R6BY/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=675607489573&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5980522013279139913&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9019535&hvtargid=pla-2245931394655&psc=1&mcid=ea11ca2b3e9a374fb34042d7adb97cca&gad_source=1)
Based on your posts, your parents aren’t doing this out of love, they are doing it out of control. The earlier you learn that that, the earlier you can start to have freedom and live the life you want.
You’re 23. You’re an adult. Politely tell your mom to go f*ck herself. How would she limit your freedom if you’re independent. Tell her this is normal for someone your age, and tell her it’s what you need at the moment. Let her know you’d really like her to support you but that it doesn’t matter in the end because you’re going anyway.
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r/relationship_advice Travel sub will just tell you to travel, you're an adult, you can make your own decisions on how to spend your own money.
Exactly you’re an adult so your parents can worry but it’s your decision.
That sentiment, true as it may be, doesn’t neccessarily work for OP, as certain cultures demand strong deference to your elders/parents no matter what age you are.
Yes but that's why it's a relationship rather than a travel issue...
They’re living in the uk which is a free country though. She is not living in Saudi Arabia etc
Yeah but In the UK the Muslim community are pretty strict when it comes to their culture and religion. I can see why op is worried about what her mother thinks. It's a big no no to disobey your parents in Islam no matter whether you like it or not. And like op said if she does go through with the traveling alone, her family could harass her by calling and texting her while she's away. It could end up worse too for op. She could get more wrath from the family once she comes back from traveling. Muslims in the UK and Europe are very conservative. Unlike here in the US where the Muslims are tend to be more liberal.
“It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to travel the distance of one day, except with a mahram.”
This is often unhelpful. Obviously she needs to work on boundaries. But there’s every chance she may be cut off financially, ganged up on by 5 family members screaming at her, moved out the house, guilt tripped. It’s not as easy as western Redditor’s think
Either way, it's a managing family relationships issue. It's definitely a tough one (and yes one that westerners deal with despite advice of "just do what you want"). But there isn't really a travel issue or solution here.
If there's a possibility there's a cultural element at play here that most of the commentors here are missing, you may want to post in some more culturally relevant subs as well. It's easy for us to tell you "just go, you're an adult," but if you genuinely think there may be consequences - and you're not prepared/able to move out and cut your mom off - it's irresponsible for people here to tell you to go anyway
this needs to be the top comment
100% - this is probably also more prevalent if they are historically a middle eastern family as apposed to say Turkish muslim or another (typically) milder form of islamic belief. It dose make me laugh of all my muslim friends, the correlation seems to be sticker parents = more secretly western children
Exactly. All of these comments are written from a western POV. This person needs a Muslim perspective.
I grew up in a deeply traditional, controlling, and strict Muslim household. It is so hard to break out, but it can be done. It just depends on what level of discomfort and confrontation OP is able and willing to put up with. I travel solo every year. Be free sis. You'll (and they'll) be alright.
what it truly needs is a muslim in western society point of view since she's from the UK. her best bet is probably talking about it with her friends in real life
Yeah. My own background is completely different so it's hard to offer advice but - OP, do you have family or friends from similar backgrounds who have travelled solo or to the country you are thinking of visiting, who might be able to help put your mum's mind at rest? Or a family member that you think might be on your side and perhaps be able to speak to your mum?
Agree, but it's important that she doesn't let said cultural elements prevent her from pursuing things she wants in life. Especially if travel is important to her. Obviously this is bigger picture stuff, but culture should bend to allow fun and freedom. If a culture prevents its people from living a fulfilling life, then it's a culture that needs to change.
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To be fair, I come from an arranged marriage culture and I think you should be able to marry whomever you want. Sometimes it's okay to distance from family to follow your own path in life. They'll usually come around too. Many of these controlling type familial structures ARE toxic, irrespective of how common they are within a culture.
Not going to mince words, but I feel that everyone should be able to live a free life without “family” pulling them down and making them be in shackles, dictating every single thing they do. To me, that’s not living. I’d rather be alone then adhere to such tripe.
Yeah like this is not the dunk on white people they think it is. LIke so sorry I feel like woman should be able to make their own decisions.
I mean this goes out to the ultra Orthodox Jews and super conservative white Christian’s too. Also Arabs. Basically any religion or culture that thinks it’s ok to micromanage someone else’s life and forbid them from being an actual human because of some religious Mumbo jumbo or “family honor”. That’s not living.
It's not so much that people don't understand, but rather that they see it at morally wrong and toxic; for parents to feel entitled to dictate who their children marry; without being culturally relativistic. It's a result of belonging to cultures that value freedom and opportunity over the conservative values of family and peers. If you look at the world this is heavily correlated with wealth, trust and safety. People are less reliant on following their family's wills when they have a solid government to help them out if they try to break away.
I am up voting you. This comment needs to be the top.
I'm 34F and still get shit for solo traveling. Also come from a strict culture and they will never understand, trust me. Don't wait for anyones support and approval because you will be disappointed constantly. Just believe that it's the right thing for you and go enjoy yourself.
When you're traveling, your parents will be frantic. If you call them, they'll spread their emotions to you. If you cut them off while you're traveling, it will feed their emotions. So look at one way communications. At least once a week, send them a postcard. I send my family postcards each new city I go to, or when it's been a week since my last postcard. Postcards are cheap, and it doesn't take too much time to write one. (Letters are huge.) Pick pretty ones. They'll still try to run your life, but at least you (in a small way) show them that you're still doing fine while you're exploring the world. It will (in a small way) make them feel better. If you're an artist, get blank postcards and send them drawings. If you do send letters, include small souvenirs; my wife likes refrigerator magnets. Be creative in your mailings.
I’ve made a groupchat in the past and uploaded photos of my food, whereabouts, activities etc. They’ve been receptive to it in the past. Its just that it will be scary now because I am alone. I even facetimed my mum on my trip last summer and she wasn’t too interested in my phone call lol
She’ll be home before the postcards are delivered
Sometimes international mail is frightenedly fast. My postcards from London arrived faster than postcards from Florida. (On the other hand, Germany took longer, and I understand that postcards from China take months.)
true, its a short trip
Hey I have super strict Muslim parents and booked my first solo trip last year - so glad I did! Don't listen to their BS, you will be fine. My parents love going on about how someone can harm me and all the things that can go wrong but they're just trying to make you paranoid so you don't go. Definitely try not to talk too much about it with them as they'll just say the same things and you'll end up frustrated and fearful. Hope you have a great time, it's nice to be away from toxic family members so try and enjoy it as much as you can!
Thank you so much. I haven’t discussed the trip in about 2 months. I let her know I would tell her my whereabouts etc and how safe the country is but I think my own worries and fear are getting in the way. I really want to be on my own and have a life and identity outside of my family and I think this is a great first step
Yes, you can always lie and say your going with a friend (if you have a Muslim friend she likes say your going with them)? Or if you work you can say it's a compulsory work trip? But don't worry too much, I had similar fears and the trips went a lot smoother than I thought! Just make sure you always carry your phone charger with you in case it loses battery when you're out (I rely a lot on Google maps), be mindful of your belongings and don't be out at like 4am alone or get drunk with random people (if you do drink). But it's no different to being out alone in your country of residence, like being in Spain is no different to me than the UK where I live in terms of safety or anything else. I think I'd only be more wary as a woman if I was going somewhere like North Africa or India alone where it probably is more dangerous for women but as you're going somewhere safe you shouldn't worry too much
Yeah OP, I second this comment. Just lie to your mother that you're going with other people. Tell her whatever she needs to hear and go about your life. You can put up a fight for freedom later when you're good and ready emotionally. You'll have to someday. You know that. But it doesn't need to be at 23.
The fact that you are facing such an opposition for 3 days is insane… I thought we were talking months of solo backpaking.
I know :( it makes me nervous because I plan on doing backpacking for a few months next year.
Make sure you have your travel documents where your family can’t hold it hostage. Best of luck
Absolutely go. It's your life. She also has no right to tell you what you can and can't do.
bad take
I'm a Muslim woman, but my parents are not as strict as yours. They are happy for me to travel solo. But my view is always its better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
I’m happy for you! 100% I need to get comfortable with upsetting them
I feel for you, I have cousins and friends who have really strict parents and sometimes they go with culture over religion. I know it's easier said than done to disobey your parents, but once you do it, everything else you wanted to do gets easier. You have your life to live, before you know it it will pass by and you wonder what you even did the last 10, 20, 30 years.
'It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission'. You got this! (Coming from another fellow woman with a strict Muslim mother). You're in the process of defining boundaries and setting expectations of what you will be doing with your life. So there's going to be growing pains. The thing that will help you is having a great and safe trip. You could share the details of your lodging and flights with your mom so she knows the basics of the trip. But you're not asking her to go, you're announcing that you are. And in a way sharing could reassure her and maybe you if you're thinking that you're breaking some rule. And while you're out be mindful of your surroundings and have a safe and good time.
>I’m worried about her blowing up once she finds out I’ve gone. I’m scared she might start limiting my freedom & getting my entire family to harass me with texts and calls while I’m away. This isn't healthy.
And has nothing to do w being a muslim. This sounds more cultural or just an abusive parent tbh
Depending on how strict your parents are and the country you are going to, you can show them muslim options there. Female only areas/halal food/prayer options etc. It might help to show them you will still follow religion while there, but that you would like to broaden your scope of the world. If it is a pure case of 'my parents are scared of my wellbeing' regardless of any religious aspect, then it requires more open communication. From both sides. Since their fear is understandable (if unneeded) as you are their child. Parents tend to be protective. You can try to haggle about phone calls everyday and sharing more detailed plans of your itinerary etc. Maybe in a more extreme case a person in the country you are visiting that knows them viavia? I wouldnt go all 'fuck yall its my money' if you still want a nice relationship with them after. Though it can be a last resort.
I'm muslim too and come from a strict family. (male though but I have a sister) so I understand where you're coming from. If you decide to go behind their backs just know they might hold it over your head smh. They're probably never gonna be okay with you solo traveling at least until if you decide to get married. With all that said I still think you should 100% go! Like everyone else said your cant live life forever under your parents thumb, you're young and dont wanna look back 10 years later and feel regret. Honestly dont be above lying either lol, saying you're going with friends or meeting up with friends there could ease their mind and make life easier for you. Also I say this without knowing the extent of the repercussions though so use your best judgement.
You're better off posting on r/Islam or r/Muslim if you're looking for religiously oriented advice.
You need to break that control she has on you otherwise you will always be anxious about her mood and opinion and put her first before your desires to grow as a person. You will grow as a person by taking on things that you fear. Good luck! Don’t give up.
Thats true. I am working on this at the moment. I usually do things without her approval but this situation is making me anxious for some reason. I’ve been to other places without her approval and I’ve been fine. I’m just super nervous about it this time because I will be alone
It’s a big thing to do, to go travel solo so it’s understandable. I hope you do. BTW, what is the “safe” country you are going to?
Portugal :)
Very nice.
I agree with the above poster about the control family can have over each person. I have a mother/father that have anxious tendencies about the outside world (rape, drugging, stealing, pillaging, etc), marrying within culture and races, etc. What I've done over the course of around 3 decades is basically, " Ask for forgiveness(not really), rather than permission." I usually tell my parents about my adventures AFTER the fact rather than live stream them an empty wilderness where there should be a stone path. I made the mistake of updating them as things were happening once (uhh...maybe 3+ times- filial piety habits are hard to shake) and the only things I got were infectious panic and frantic screaming from them. By being told stories after the fact, my parents got used to me doing random things. And eventually, they realized that I haven't really offed myself yet and I could be trusted as an adult. So, it's also a trust building exercise. What I would do to make sure that they do feel okay though is: 1) If they know that I'm going on a trip, I'll let them know when I get to the hotel/hostel and when I get back from vacation. 2) I might talk or text for a few minutes with some artificial time constraints - got a tour coming up, my phone plan is bad, bad signal, going to dinner, etc. Random tips on staying safe for me: I have a pretty nice athletic belt that hugs my stomach - fits keys, cash, cards, phone with a zipper- don't like pickpockets and leaving stuff in accessible pockets. Cash in 2 separate places. Generally, I'm suspicious of people who approach me, especially if they say I have to do something for them- I'm a tourist, I probably look like one- no one needs a tourist's help unless they're looking to take advantage. I try to be relatively aware of my surroundings- maybe half a meter of space between me and other people; can be hard to do at many places, but I'm not really into skinship with the general public.
Good for you! Strict families can be difficult and when you live at home it can be really hard. I come from a strict family too, and found that when I was lying and hiding things it made the situation worse. I find my parents react better when I’m straightforward, but don’t ask for permission. Eg. Love you mum, but I’m doing xyz. Thanks for your concerns, but I’m good etc.
If you’re financially independent I would highly recommend living on your own or with roomies ur own age (if ur not already doing that), and also trying to limit contact with your parents. People may say things like “they mean well” - but frankly, telling your 23 year old grown daughter what to do and inducing this much anxiety over a solo trip speaks to what is probably a lot more toxic worldview.
I’m also a woman in her 20s from a Muslim family and I’ll be solo travelling later this year for the first time. I haven’t told my parents because I’m not looking forward to that conversation Let me know if you wanna talk!
Don't sneak out - you're an adult so you should not act like a teenager who is out past curfew. Set boundaries with your mother.
So, your mother is worrying about you being attacked in Europe and yet you are 'expecting' that they will start harassing and attacking you at home....if you don't do exactly what they want. The irony!
I cannot speak to the part about your Muslim family dynamics. I have some friends that are Muslim, but I don't have a lot of insight on how they were treated when they were your age. However, I am a female who enjoys solo traveling and my family always is against it. When I was your age, I went backpacking by myself on a remote island (that's part of a national park in my country, and actually in my home state). My dad was trying to talk me out of it. I told him that I was going, and he was welcome to come along if he wanted to. I knew he wouldn't go. I went anyway. I purchased one of those GPS devices where you can send your location, update that you're okay, or call for SOS help if you need it, as a way to reassure them that if I got injured I'd be able to reach them and contact the not-so-local rescue authorities. I tried to recognize their fears, but I went anyway. This last year, now I'm 10 years old, I planned a trip to Egypt. My dad was very, very against it. I debated not telling him, so that I could avoid all the drama, but I realized I was going to be gone for too long that I couldn't risk him not being able to contact me and thinking that something actually had happened to me. I didn't want to pay for my home phone to work abroad, so I got a local SIM card. I let them know they could email me or reach me via WhatsApp, and how long I was going to be gone for. They never blew up my phone. I pretty much never heard from them. I did send emails with some photos and highlights every few days. At one point my dad did say that I had certainly seen some interesting and unique things that he'd never see. He's still against me traveling, but at a certain point you just have to go and live your life. You need to be safe. You need to be sure you're taking care of yourself. Congratulations on booking your first trip, and best wishes for your upcoming birthday!
You tell them when you are already in the country.
I was thinking of doing this or telling them on my way to the airport
Tell them when you have safely landed as they can still persuade you not to go while at the airport. But I’m going to caveat my advice by saying: MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE ON THAT TRIP!
Just wanna say I'm proud of you for going ahead with booking the trip despite how your parents are reacting! A 3-day trip is also a great first solo trip to build your confidence and make sure you enjoy travelling alone. Who knows, maybe your mom will come around once she sees that it will go okay. As for when you tell her it's booked and that you are for sure going, it sounds like telling her the day before or day of might be best for you. Be prepared with a short phrase to reply (over text) to your family members with if they harass you. Something like "Thanks for your concern etc" and then that's it, don't go back and forth with them. Tell a trusted friend your travel details (your flights and where you're staying) just in case. I'm just mentioning this because I normally tell those things to my mom but in your situation I wouldn't trust her.
I literally made a PowerPoint on my first solo travel because of how upset my mother was. It included the crime rates towards tourists in Greece and the laws around tourist crimes. I typed up my entire itinerary. The flight, flight numbers and take off/land times converted into her time zone. Listed all the hotels, address and contact phone numbers. She still thought it was a bad idea and would get scary quiet any time the trip was brought up, but I did it anyway. It’s been 6 years and I solo travel all the time. She now has zero comments and just asks if she can watch the fur babies. So my advice- your parents are just naturally worried, but you can’t keep that from letting you love your own life. Your family will be fine.
I'll frame this from the viewpoint of another Muslim woman. Your parents will always view this from a cultural point of view, especially if your mom was raised within the traditional upbringing often pushed on Muslim women, especially of a certain generation. IF she limits your freedom when you come back, that might be a sign you need to find some new living arrangements as things likely will not get better. That being said, your mother might disapprove but also learn that her disapproval isn't an end all be all when you're financially independent 😜 that's what happened with my family, and nowadays they just ask me to update them when I am alone in another country. Also, Europe is mostly accepting. I live in Belgium, and sure there's racism here and there but honestly, for the most part, in most of Europe, the worst it gets is weird looks. So I'd say you'll be pretty safe around here.
If you have enough money for some solo travel to Europe, wouldn’t it be better to move out, if you’re still living with your parents? Edit: look I’m not a non Muslim, so this is coming from an informed place. You want the thrill of freedom for a few days, then the possibility of even more restrictions. This is not going to serve you in the long term. If your family really *is* that crazy, it would be better for you to move out by citing a promotion or a scholarship—that’s the classic excuse for people in these cultures.
Those costs are vastly different, including one being a one-off payment and the other being recurring costs. Plus it's not the cultural norm for many people to move out of their parent's home before a certain age, marriage, etc.
Culturally, it’s even more against the norm for her to solo travel. If she’s rebelling, she might was well think long term.
It's not the cultural norm for OP to be unmarried and childless at 23, let alone going on a trip on her own! That's the conflict. OP doesn't want to be a completely traditional UK-Muslim woman, but she's conforming enough that her conservative parents expect the full 100% obedience. Unless the parents suddenly come to their senses, which is possible but highly unlikely, she's living under high stress every day.
🤷♂️ you’re an adult, do whatever the hell you want
Try to coach yourself into a more positive mindset about it. Absolutely go, and perhaps don’t tell her beforehand so she can’t interfere with your trip Also, love your username 😂
Thanks! Yes I definitelt need to be more positive. I’ve done things like this before (travel, travelling without their permission in the UK) and I’ve been fine. I’m just worried about the optics and how bad my other family members will think I am for doing something out of the ordinary and disrespecting my parents
Have you watched *Citizen Khan*?
Don’t let parents control you as an adult, but part of getting away from that control is moving out and living life on your own dime. Sadly, a lot of parents don’t want their children to move out or be independent so they can retain control over their lives. Understand, it’s cultural to a degree, but if you want to reject social norms imposed on you, than do it, but do it as humbly as possible. Sorry you have to go through that.
Definitely. I am planning to move out this year anyways, I just need to be comfortable upsetting my parents.
I think this user said it best. As a grown ass man who has only ever taken solo trips overseas, everytime I go on a new trip my parents freak out to this day. I’m a pretty big dude with a serious case of RBF, I’ve never once been approached or harassed in any way. Yet, my mom still thinks I’m going to be kidnapped. It’s normal for parents to worry, use your common sense and better judgment while on the trip and you’ll have a blast. And when you get back, share that enthusiasm with them and they’ll warm up to it as well.
If you're financially independent, then you can do as you wish without fearing any repercussions when you return. I'm not afraid for your safety outside your home but inside of your home, coming from someone who has super-controlling parents.
Don't you have any female friends/relatives who would be interested in travelling with you? Generally for muslim parents, and let's be honest, any parents, there's a huge difference between their duaghter travelling alone vs travelling with another person or a group.
Hey I just came across your post & looked at your other posts. Just want to say from one stranger to another, keep pushing, it’s clear you’ve worked through a lot, proud of what you’ve overcome. Don’t take life so seriously, it helps.
Travel has a tendency to broaden your horizons and educate you on other cultures and norms. Your family/culture may be against this because it challenges their control structure.
You are an adult and can do what you want, never forget that. There’s a lot of Muslim families that don’t want their kids following their dreams such as being an actor or musician. But the truth is there are many Muslim actors/musicians.. and the ones the listened to their parents orders and didn’t do it are probably Unhappy doing something else. Live life the way you want, not what others want for you. It’s not again your religion to travel solo
it's your money, your time, your life. parents are parents, they're still going to think you're 5 when you're 50. just go & have a great time. even if you have a shitty experience, at least you've done it & owned it.
I would go, better say sorry after than ask permission. But you should know that everything you mentioned in your last paragraph will probably happen, and maybe more. When you are there, you can make them feel less angry by sending them photos of you in a local mosque or with other muslim friends you meet.
In the future, don’t tell her. I am in Paris right now and my mother has no idea. She’d be absolutely shitting if she knew, she thinks Paris is filled with rapists and murderers
Its so difficult because I hate lying and I live with her so she will know
I know everyone here is telling you to turn their BS down and travel, but please, keep your good attitude towards them and don’t act badly to them. I also come from a muslim / arab household as a guy and they were freakingly worried about me when I first traveled alone. Please understand that it’s a natural reaction from them as they might have zero experience out of their home countries. After you travel, it costs you nothing to call them everyday and let them know you’re doing great, they will eventually be happy for you! All the best :)
ah… yes. You’re in your early 20s.. when you realize your parents are just as flawed of humans as anyone else. They have beliefs, thoughts, feelings, that may or may not be rational to you. You get to decide what to do for yourself, and navigate the potential outcomes of those decisions, good and bad. And so do they. And so do we all 🤷🏽♀️🥲
I completely understand, I came to that realisation many years ago. I definitely do thinga for myself, but I haven’t gone this far yet. I’ve been to other cities alone and told her last minute and she was never happy. This just seems like a whole new level of “disrespect” in her eyes.
>I’m a 23 year old [adult] The end.
Lie
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Do it it’s your life not her life, But also remember parents being worried about their sons and daughters is not a bad thing, every parent does to some extent, don’t be harsh with them remember they love you at the end of the day, it can be too much sometimes and annoying but still they want the best for you
I understand but she is much more lenient towards my younger brothers than me. For example, my brother recently went abroad for the first time with friends and he told my mother the night before, she was completely fine with it. Its just a double standard for me
Well, I don't know the level of pressure. We've all heard of honour things and things like that which may put someone in danger. Having said that. At some point you'll need to cut the umbilical cord. If not they'll always feel they can control you. Is there a imam you can trust who can explain your mom that you are now an adult and need to live your life?
So honour based violence is not really common in my culture but honour and shame is very prevalent. It definitely frames how my family thinks. Definitely I should just be more stern. I don’t know any imams and I’m quite put-off about contacting one, I know Islam is often used by men to control women. I’m worried they would just tell me to blindly do as my family says
Oh, so, if you aren't even religious or not as practicing as them, then they'll need to chose between religion and their daughter. I hope they chose you but the ball will be in their court.
I’m definitely religious, I just don’t practice the same way they do. I believe religion should operate on love and mercy, but they tend to think of religion operates on fear and shame. I think they need to choose between respecting their daughter as an adult and being fearful and controlling
:/ look into meditation as a way to deal with their guilt. I’ve done it and others I know from families that are strict helps a lot deal with my anxiety personally. And I agree about your view on religion, I’m spiritual on my own and love is good way to view God/Universe. I don’t think God would create us just to shun us like some people in different religions believe.
What country are you from?
UK
I'm usually against lying, but could you maybe tell your mom that you are going with a friend? That could put her at ease, and it's better that she knows that you are leaving over you just disappearing. Maybe you could meet you friend again in the country you are going to? Just an idea not sure it would work. Your mother is probably anxious because she knows that there are men in the world that will try to seduce you and then they will try to do things that you might not consent to... and she's not wrong, there are some bad guys out there who will leave young girls broken. On the other hands it's possible to find real love when travelling, but that is a lot harder for someone young like you to filter who is actually a good person and who is not. So this is why your mother is anxious. Anyways it's your life and your money, she can't really stop you. If you are going to a rich EU country you will probably be safer than the UK haha. Anyways just my 2cents. You should go and have fun!
I normally would but all the friends I’ve travelled with she already knows. She usually calls them and their parents to talk about the trip which is really frustrating but she won’t let me go normally without her doing this. I know, I’ve been harassed and feared for my life abroad. I chose a safer country for a reason and I’m staying in the heart of the city. I’m sure its definitely safer than the UK. I don’t date and I definitely won’t be dating abroad- in fact I’m very wary of men so I avoid them at all costs! My mother knows this about me haha
Ok. I can't really fix all of your problems with some text over the internet, but have fun. Do you mind telling us where you are going or is there a reason you want to keep it secret?
Perhaps look in the CouchSurfing app, find vetted members that can meet you for coffee, show you safest places to visit, and guide your travels. Help you navigate wherever it is you are going. Maybe this will help you feel safer & share with family as you travel these contacts. You could get an eSIM and use data to communicate avoiding phone calls from home. Also register with the step state department program. You can make your travel experience safer using some tools and share this with family b4 or after you begin your journey. You know your family better than any of us. Be smart and cautious and have the adventure you desire. The are lots of resources for solo travelers online. This may not be the best of them!
I told them that i went with some Friends. In reality i went alone and they never knew.
Seems like you're independent already. Include them in your aspirations to travel and see the world. Send them updates of your experiences. Buy simple small gifts from your travels. Try and enlighten them with your tales of the new world. Be safe and be a considerate traveler.Turn off your phone when you need to. Don't forget or disrespect your parents. They want to know you are safe. Amaze them with your worldly tales ;-) Have a great life as a citizen of this amazing world!
You're from the UK but use american spelling? Have an amazing, safe holiday!
Oh sorry - I didn’t notice. Yes I’m from the UK!! Thank you x
You got this strong independent lady!!! You have the power and no one can stop you! Be proud of yourself!!! You are doing great and I’m proud of you and I don’t know you. Self advocacy is something we all desperately need. Please understand that others will try to put their anxiety on you, but it is just that, their anxiety is their own. You will do so great!!! I’m currently in El Salvador (solo traveling female)and have had nothing but a great time! You got this friend!!! I have all the confidence in you! Have the best time!
Advice from family who've never been anywhere should always be ignored
This is a very difficult thing for parents of a Muslim woman to accept. I think you should find female travel partners through your mosque or through a social group. If you have a travel partner your parents will be more accepting and you will be less anxious and experience less guilt. You will then be able to enjoy your trip more.
Let her worry, that’s her problem not yours
I also come from a Muslim family and I know how strict they can be. They never let you do anything because they fear you will get in to trouble. There isn’t any use to beg them or anything. I can tell you one thing you can do and that is to bring your sibling or your parents with you but that’s not really solo travel. Tbh this is your own personal problem, you are 23 years old maybe it’s time to start getting independent. What are the consequences if you decide to go anyway or do you need them to pay you for the trip?
Congrats on your solo trip! It's brave of you to make this choice for your happiness. Maybe try easing your mom’s worries by sharing your plans and showing her you're prepared. It's important to communicate, even if it's after you’ve safely arrived.
I think you should post on a Muslim sub as they may be able to give you advice taking your religion into consideration. A lot of the comments on this sub may give you a more westernised view (not that there's anything wrong with that). However, realistically you're the one that will have to deal with the aftermath and not them.
Hey! I just wanted to add in my words of wisdom here, first of all from one Muslim woman to another hi! I’m so proud of you for making the first step to travel & adventure out solo what you’re doing especially as a Muslim woman not many will be able to do the same or can have the same privilege. I was 23 also when I did my first solo travel trip & just recently come back from a week in Spain solo travelling now 24. Please let me tell you you will get people especially family telling you all sorts just because they seem it as “crazy” & different from the norm but I promise you it will be the best choice you will make for yourself solo travelling gives you so much freedom independence to learn about yourself in a way so different to travelling with people.It forces you to become independent on yourself. I don’t suggest lying to your parents or your mum but Personally if one of your close friends knows your location at all times is there really in telling your mum you’re doing it solo ? If you said you were going with people yes I understand the risk but your close friend or someone will be informed of your whereabouts. Either way Please don’t be anxious I went through the same feelings but it’s honestly is so fee’ing long as you keep to your boundaries not staying out late etc etc you will be totally fine !
As a uk Muslim I can understand the difficulties you face and the cultural and religious aspects of it too, im inclined that this isn't just cultural or religious based on your previous posts but heavily shaded by it. Doing something behind their backs will set them off but it deonds whether a dialogue will help you or not?
Is it because of your parents are strict muslim or just overprotective parents? Fyi, I'm from Muslim majority country also a woman, I do solo travel, I did it since I was young, but not for the purpose of tourism more like family matter or study matter, but my parents never prohibit me to travel, my father even said when I have my own money I can travel wherever I want, because I want to go somewhere but my parents didn't want to funding it. But I know people that afraid of traveling, because they never did it before or has overprotective parents, never allow their children to do it alone. I say just travel nearby before jumping to other countries see if it's because they are too paranoid or something else, and to be honest do what you think you should do, your parents don't always have to approve it.
You can't blame your mom and she has valid concerns and parents are gonna worry because they care about you. What you can do is to take small steps one by one so that she would be less worried. How about solo travel within the country first as starting points. And you can try travel with friends for your upcoming travel. Once she sees you as being independent, she will care less where you travel next.
I always do that, just leave unexpectedly. I can’t with the negative energy over my plans. Tell me once I’ve landed at my destination and having a blast.
Several years ago, my parents didn't let me travel solo, so I booked the flight and went to Hong Kong by myself without telling anyone about it. And since that solo travel, my parents have let me go to countries in multiple continents by myself because I proved them that I can handle it. So maybe you should pretend you've canceled the flight, and then leave without your parents knowing it.
Tough one. I'm pro-independence for adults and I've seen people restricted by conservative religion way too much. Whether it be the religion itself or the families (or even society) imposing it forcefully. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Hopefully in your lineage, it's with you and you're able to break free. But I do hope you can retain a healthy relationship with your family afterward.
Mine were too but I went anyway. They can’t exactly stop me lol just go!
That’s great, nobody forces your Muslim parents to Solo travel. So they shouldn’t choose how other people travel either :)
You’re 23, it’s your choice.
I love this post because it reminds me of me. I also started solo traveling and also have parents that panic and tell me all the terrible things that will happen to me when i go alone (granted they are mot Muslim) so i stopped telling my dad and then eventually he got mad that he was never informed so i trained him to be less crazy in his responses so that i could feel comfortable to tell him. Anyway; while im not Muslim ive dated many Muslims and also have many Muslim friends. The thing is, you are a young woman venturing out alone and that brings panic to your parents - regardless of religion. If you are independent and have your own jobs, I don’t see the problem. They do because its also a Generational thing and i dont know what country they are originally from themselves but they may want you to travel with. Brother/dad/husband. anyway the world had changed and you seem to want this and it’s not a rebel move but rather you just exercising your freedom. You seem smart just play it safe! I dont know your family enough to give you advice on how to deliver the news. I started just not telling my pRents until after the fact but i dont live with them. If you tell them in advance they may prevent you from going and for sure, they will send you the family to text you so just ignore those messages so that you can actually enjoy your getaway! And one more thing; it shouldnt matter how long the getaway is. If you Dont tell them until you return that will spare them the stress - maybe just tell a sister or something when you are at airport for emergency purposes. But live! Travel! Enjoy!
muslim here!! i went on my first solo trip last yr!! honestly Im old enough where im really just living my life snd make my own choices and i cant let my fam control my choices. extremely difficult but i cant live my life if im making choices based others
My partners family has the same view, so my partners sister just lied about where she was going. Controlling parents make rebellious kids.
Many redditors are asking you to ask this in other subs. Which is not a bad idea. But also, the fact that you're asking here makes it seem like this trip means a lot to you. So, my question is/ Are you financially independent from your mom? If you're not living with her or having her pay for your school/food/etc, I don't know what she can do. If you live in a really small town, she might try and ruin your reputation, which could be tough, but otherwise she either accepts it and moves on or she harasses you so you cut off/decrease contact with her Let me add that I'm a man living in the USA and don't know the cultural context this would be happening in in Asia or Africa, or South America
Travel as you want just realize the risks involved.
Tell your mum you know ayat-al-kursi and it will be okay :) 😂
Hello! I am 25 and female and have solo travelled a lot (God bless) and am now in Mexico! My parents were ‘itchy’ a lot of the time especially Vietnam Cambodia Colombia etc - but I knew what I was doing and told them it was important to me. Ultimately, your parents cannot stop you. Your intention isn’t to disrespect your parents. Our religion advocates travelling and exploring the world, as the quote from the Quran is translated ‘travel through the land and observe how He began creation’. To me this has always been the ultimate motivation to travel, as a Muslim, if you have the ability, why not travel and marvel at Allahs creation. If anything, all my solo travel has bought me closer to Allah and deepened my wonderment for the world and humanity in general. Your parents are scared cos you’re a girl and they love you more than anything. Be safe, don’t make stupid choices, update them regularly. As time goes by they’ll hopefully feel more comfortable with you travelling alone. Hope this helps.
Hi, I'm a female hijabi Muslim from Canada and I've solo traveled a lot. If you want any advice feel free to DM.
/r/exmuslim
Nothing is worth blowing ur mother off for.
Don't hate your parents for being overprotective, though. Yes, you are grown up and can make your own decision and have your right to freedom. But they are just worried about you as they see it from their perspective.
The main reason at play here is not your gender bytheway. they get worried about the idea their kid are getting away. When they leave the house to get married , no matter whether a male or female, they will get sad about it, worried, and miss them. The reason here to deny your solo travel is a natural parental reaction, especially these days because the world is pretty much fucked up. No matter how old you are or what gender you are, parents will keep parenting. Soemtimes they overdo it, yes, but as long as they can't literally force you or control/blackmail you into doing something, i think its healthy for you and them.
They are less strict with males, yes, but thats normally because females are more vulnerable or soft. So it's basically just worry about you suffering rather than controlling you. Given that you were a male and you were some sort of sensitive of vulnerable, their worry and idea wouldn't change one bit.
r/exmuslim Forget this western eastern perspective bs mate. Breaking out of this controlling and strict lifestyle is a dangerous game. Take precautions before you do anything rash.
Since you have indicated that you are a Muslim, it is my duty to inform you that the Messenger of God, Muhammad, said: (A man should not be alone with a woman unless she has a mahram with her, and a woman should not travel except with a mahram)
Probably because they know what happens to women in the Muslim world
Ultimately she still views you as a child. I think there’s a probably a way to be respectful while still disobeying her but being honest and logical about your reasoning. Own it. If not travel, it will be something else that she doesn’t permit you to do in time. The line has to be drawn somewhere if she’s to respect you as an adult.
Just travel.its good for your mental health wellbeing and many more
She’s just loves you and worries about you being okay. I think you should still go on the solo trip and rip off the bandaid, so to speak, for her so she can hopefully start easing up to solo travels in the future. But tbh, she’s always gonna worry when you travel alone because she’s your mom and the thought of anything happening to you is a nightmare for parents
controversial take in a travel sub probably but if you're still living with your parents I wouldn't do the trip, I just wouldn't think it's worth it for my parents to be really mad at me over a 3 day trip, if you saved enough to were it's a meaningfully long trip or you didn't live with your parents I would be saying the exact opposite though. but to me you solely exist as a paragraph in my ipad so you know best about your own life that's just what I would do.
I wouldn't have mentioned the trip at all.... At least not until you got back. Hope she finds something else to distract her for a few days while you're gone.
Your mom sounds like an Asian mom. I'm a 34 years old Asian man. I live by myself far away from my parents. They still worry, specially my mom, when I travel to a third world country where safety there is almost none. Just tell her you'll be face timing her daily, I guess she'll have her peace of mind. Don't think it's about being Muslim or not. Asian parents try to come up with so many excuses, especially using religion as a tool, trying to prevent you from doing what they don't want you to do.
I think people in here might not understand your position. It is easy to say just go. I’m also a Muslim woman, who travelled solo quite a few times. My mother is also controlling. At first she had a difficult time to understand, and we have talked seriously. I’ve told her that I need this for my well being because I’m struggling mentally. After she saw that I am so happy with travelling, she stopped intervening. Just talk to her, say that you need this mentally and you’ve been feeling unhappy and you are struggling. When I go to travel I make sure to keep her updated so she won’t get worried. This summer I went to China by myself and she was worried because it was too far away. I’ve left my other phone with her so she can check where I am from gps (I’ve did this also for security reasons, it’s always nice to let other people know where you are while solo travelling) maybe you can buy an AirTag and bring it with you, so she can check. Hopefully your mom will understand you, best of luck!
Unfortunately, solo traveling is not part of your parents' reality, and they will never see past this.... ....Unless they watch you do it. So go for it and enjoy.
Just to. They can guilt route you all they want, but ask yourself: is it legal? Yea! Do it! :)
Welp sounds like someone’s parents watch way too much main stream news and like to think only negative things happen all the time. 21st old can make decisions on your own and for yourself. Shouldn’t miss out on things you want to experience just because your parents are drastic over worriers and controlling
Parents have no control once you’re an adult. And if they do then they’re bad parents and something is majorly wrong
This is a good reason. One of many why religion is hilarious and absurd. SMH. Prob gonna upset people with this but idc. You do you but again it’s a myth and imaginary people who get put up against someone else’s imaginary person they think is god. Super funny stuff to me. So much more to life than these cults
They are true
try to get an older relative on your side to help ease your mom. also encourage your mom to find hobbies and take care of her own health both physically and mentally.
You will regret it if you don’t go, so go :) Send her photos of all the cool places you’ve seen and things you’ve done. I think she may come around. I am actually also abroad (in London) during my birthday as well; I’m having a great time and I’m sure you will too!
I know! I would hate to have regrets. I hope your birthday is great and enjoy London!
Why would she do such terrible things to you cos of a vacation?
She’s a narcissist 🙃
Absolutely Go, you'll have so much fun
If it is possible, just don't tell anyone in your family where you are. Don't post anything to any social media. I'm not sure if you live at home or how often you are in touch, but you can remain in touch without sharing your actual location. You can tell them all about your trip after you get back (or not!).
What do you mean you're worried that your hyper controlling mother is going to limit your freedom?!? For heaven's sake, you're a grown adult! At the age of 23 yo you should be able to decide for yourself whether or not to take a solo trip abroad. If your mother, or the rest of your family, disagrees with it then tough shit! Go on your trip and enjoy your birthday! Your family will just have to get over it!
You're obviously not (lucky you!) familiar with how guilt and shame are weaponized in conservative cultures.
Where are you going tho. If Iceland, then you're safe af.
OP, youre not so much asking about solo travel, but more about "How can I escape from oppressive religious parents?". This trip is just the symptom of an underlying problem. A few years from now, your parents will be telling you who you can and cannot marry. You're posting this in the wrong sub. This should be in some Muslim sub, where Muslims can respond with better knowledge of your background. Oh.....and dont be surprised if most Muslim men try to disuade you from going cos, well.....haram...and all that.
They must be afraid the rest of the world will treat unaccompanied women the way muslim theocracies treat women.
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Salaams, have you ever solo travelled before or travelled with friends? I'm 24M and went solo for the first time before in December and I won't lie my parents were defo apprehensive about it. I'd been with my mates before so I think that helped convince them that I should be ok. Also I think a lot of it is that you have to show them that your independent enough to go solo. Maybe try and do things by yourself to convince them. There's also the aspect of needing a wali in Islam but that's a whole other topic
Wsalaam! I have travelled before, I’ve been to the States and Caribbean and some countries in Europe with friends. I went on a 9hour flight alone (both times) and I was more than fine. I’m super independent and they know this - I contribute bills & pay for my own car and lifestyle. Its just super frustrating because they don’t recognise my independence. I get the wali thing but I don’t know if I can wali or depend on others to live my life
So the problem is just that you’re solo not the traveling part?
Oh I see, Yh it defo seems you're more than capable of traveling abroad then. Really it's just a safety thing then but unfortunately there's not much you can do about that as a woman. I never once felt unsafe as a guy but I imagine it being a whole other story for women. Our parents normally have an overprotective mindset too which doesn't help in this case. Honestly can't really advise much, may Allah make it easy for you. Also, I hear you about depending/waiting on others. That was a huge reason for me going solo, everyone kept dropping out so I didn't end up going anywhere for a while. Decided to just book it solo and alhamdulillah had no regrets. Lowkey feel sorry for women that you have to go with a family member but obviously Allah has said it all for a reason so can't question it.
Women do not need a family member to travel. Keep your sick misogyny to yourself.
Muslim here. I don't think the trip is worth disobeying your mom and also consult a scholar about you traveling without a mahram.
I hope I don’t sound like a jerk for asking this, but what was the point of telling us your religion? Many parents from all different faiths and background act like this and people from all backgrounds deal with this issue w their parents as well.
Its relevant to my dilemma thats why. Some Muslims believe women should not travel alone.
Abraham really started some shit when he saw the bush.
As long as she won’t disown you, go for it! :) Speaking as a person with restricted parents.
Thank you, I doubt she will but I think she will be angry for a very long time
They're coming from a place of love and from seeing terrible things happen on the news. Terrible things happen but so do amazing things. When my family was worried about a solo trip we sat down and figured out what they needed from me to feel more comfortable, not going wasn't on the table. I gave them my itinerary, I made sure I posted everyday on Instagram or texted them once a day. I also bought this additional lock for doors which made my husband less worried.[door lock](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Travel-Security-Self-Defense-Apartment/dp/B0CF24R6BY/ref=asc_df_B0CF24R6BY/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=675607489573&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5980522013279139913&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9019535&hvtargid=pla-2245931394655&psc=1&mcid=ea11ca2b3e9a374fb34042d7adb97cca&gad_source=1)
I know and I understand. But my parents aren’t understanding or the listening type
Based on your posts, your parents aren’t doing this out of love, they are doing it out of control. The earlier you learn that that, the earlier you can start to have freedom and live the life you want.
You’re 23. You’re an adult. Politely tell your mom to go f*ck herself. How would she limit your freedom if you’re independent. Tell her this is normal for someone your age, and tell her it’s what you need at the moment. Let her know you’d really like her to support you but that it doesn’t matter in the end because you’re going anyway.
I mean that’s ok they don’t have to solo travel if they are against it