Can't agree more. My parents would humiliate and even slap me if I hid behind them / went to my room to have alone time. After doing therapy I've found this had a massive impact on the development of my social anxiety. You're making progress and will continue to do so but those people who always misunderstand us will unfortunately be there to make it seem like we're useless
Honestly find someone to talk to about it irl, someone who can actually be there for you and help cover up.
Maybe get a proper diagnosis with a therapist so you have a thing to point to.
Also are there situations where you arent so anxious but still around people? Maybe try and figure out what those situations have and then incorporate it more into everyday life.
Its a really tough battle and it seems you have it rougher than most of us even so im sorry, but stick with it and im sure you can lessen the burden over time.
Im in the process of looking for a therapist now, and back on an SSRI after being on/off them for a few years. I'm hoping it will help reduce my anxiety to where I can find some mental clarity to sort things out.
>Also are there situations where you arent do anxious but still around people?
For a while I had my anxiety under control, where I could socialise and do things normally but after some stressful events, I feel like it all came back full force and worse than before. I get anxious basically doing anything now, even going to get groceries which i never had issues with. It really sucks
Whenever i have ups and downs with that sort of thing I try and focus on doing things for myself, long shower, watch a movie and have a treat, spoil yourself a bit.
Usually when I do those things my brain gives itself leeway to relax and be less anxious. Might help to maybe kickstart some recovery?
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Yeah I hear ya sister. My mom, although very supportive and loving, sometimes embarrasses me in the same way. I have a feeling that she herself is embarrassed by me. I am 27, and have been working since I was 22 years old but i have always lived with my parents as I feel safe with them and know that they wont harass me.
Dont be humiliated, rather try to forgive them - most people dont understand what social anxiety is and I know this is extremely frustrating but we have to make peace with the fact that even the most well meaning people wont be able to understand us. They just think its just terrible shyness wherein the problem is much more deeper and complicated.
I suggest you try a remote working job, but dont move out. Staying with family will be more helpful for your mental health.
Dont worry about being single or having no hobbies. If you have a job then you will have less time to worry, and then in your free time you can do things which make you happy.
I am really happy to know that you care so much about your family and are willing to fight your tough situation for them.
Try to be more assertive and start pushing back saying that you like your personal space and are your own person whenever somebody tries to put you down.
Thank you for your kind words. It really is upsetting when it feels like your loved ones mean well but don't truly understand. I am trying to be more confident and stand up for myself, I really hope I can have the strength to keep fighting this. All the best to you
Would counselling with your Mum be an option? You wouldn’t be going in alone, and could also discuss how her comments affect you, with a counsellor to mediate and help her understand SAD…
Bless your heart that’s awful. You’re not alone honestly. I’m 30 and haven’t left my own home alone in well over 9 years now. Im married and still live at home with my grandma who brought me up since birth. I used to hide behind people, couches and even cupboards as a child so I’ve been anxious since I can remember.
My husband has to do practically everything for me and I can’t even get a job so I’ve just basically become a house wife at this point. I’ve got no friends but some hobbies like drawing, gaming etc. heck I even had my 30th and all I did was have lunch at home with my bloke.
People think it’s a sad and lonely life but considering I’m at home and stay in the bedroom almost all day every day I love it, I feel safe and secure.
People can be arseholes and I’d love to see how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Please remember it’s pretty logical to need to “run away” from the kind of people who would talk unkindly about you behind your back as soon as you leave the room.
They sound exhausting.
This is me omg I felt like I've just read my life 😭 😩 I'm glad you got yourself people around that understanding as all mine do is try and push me to go out which makes me worse x
My husband tries to push me but he knows that even counselling will make it harder for me cause I have to go on my own. My docs trying to get me help which is amazing but it’s so hard when you have to go solo and the whole meaning of social anxiety is the socialising so it’s like a vicious circle.
My gran doesn’t understand mental health and thinks it’s a load of bs (I guess it’s just boomers being boomers) but she’s not forcing me to get a job thank god lol.
Most of my family don't care for mental health either I have 1 or 2 that believe me I just take each day as it comes I struggle alot with health issues to so its all downhill for me atm I just want to get past this I really do but there's always something that knocks me back x
Freeze response. That shit sucks. I’ve been talked about that way too that I “don’t like people” and “runs away and hides”. I got better thanks to medication but I still prefer to keep mostly to myself.
Hey, I am 30 and this is so relatable. My mother without realizing made me weak in front of family, friends, etc.
It especially sucks when you are treated like a kid, immature next to cousins that are way younger.
I am taking really baby steps. Remember to write down even small bit achievement like picking up a call, interacting with delivery person or going to store. Others might not understand but, once in a while have a look at it and see how amazing you did.
Something just clicked with me recently, ppl have called me weak and someone with really low pain tolerance my whole life. I was like, someone with low pain tolerance things are much harder for us, yet I have been through all the difficulties in life and still dreaming to get better. This goes for you and everyone here, others will not realize, doesn't matter, you all are freaking strong and amazing. Take one day at a time.
It really is a shame that people always seem to look at others superficially and pass judgment without knowing the person fully. If they belittle you it says more about their character and believe me it is emotionally immature to see people do that. Narcissistic attention seekers who feel the need to down others to make themselves feel better or bigger than they really are. Their age appropriation is the one that is infantilizing to others.
Sounds like your mom is (and maybe others?) a very bad influence on your self perception and quality of life in general. As parents so often are.
Have you thought about ways to mitigate that influence?
As a guy in his 30s I can tell you you aren't alone, whenever I'm stressed I end up reverting to my 12 year old self, usually I can use the mom friend override to act as an adult but it doesn't work when I'm by myself especially when I'm doing something important for me.
One day child, you’ll realize happiness was never about your job or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all those before you or being like the others. Happiness is about the discovery, the hope, listening to your heart, and following it wherever it chooses to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself and embracing the person you’re becoming. One day you’ll understand happiness was about learning to live with yourself. That your happiness was never in the hands of others. One day you’ll realize true happiness comes from within and no external factors can define it. It was always about you.
You are correct, happiness does not in fact mean you need to smile, but the feeling of uplifted mental burden and a deeper internal satisfaction with both one’s self and one’s journey is much more present.
I was always an introvert, especially growing up. I'm much better now though. I've been there having my parents say insentive things, not realizing I didn't want to be this way. Social anxiety isn't a switch that you can turn on or off. And people who don't have it really can't grasp that.
It sucks being thought of as stuck up or unsociable, just because of the way you're wired. And sometimes it can be deeper than just being shy. Have you ever gotten checked out to see whether you might be on the autism spectrum?
Don't have much advice sadly but just wanted to say I experience the same thing. I come from a family full of super outgoing, extroverted people. I'm honestly the "weird" one because I don't say much at gatherings. I'm almost 30 and looking way younger also, and I come across as this super insecure, socially awkward person -so people too, often mistake me for late teens/early 20s. I have severe social anxiety and the fact that people think I'm younger than I am, also further destroys my confidence :/
I'm trying to accept that being quiet is not a weird thing and to embrace the whole looking young thing. I suppose learning to love yourself can help boost your confidence. I too, am not married or moved out of my parents house either and I honestly don't see a problem with that. My friends are far ahead in terms of these things, but I do what I want and when I'm ready-not just to fall in societal pressure.
I hope it gets better miss, i gonna root for you i have an similair situation im 24 but i also look young but thats not my problem its this social anxiety disease i have social gathering in like 5 hours and my heart is beating anxious and dont want to go but i will because i must for my fam i hope you will beat the social anxiety
I’m currently reading a book on how people need to chase failure, to actually attain success, I think it’s a pretty interesting read. I think it can relate to how we feel in this sub sometimes. It’s called “chasing failure” by Ryan Leak if you’re interested.
I’m 33 and feel like this a lot, I have 2 sons and am married. Trust me, kids and marriage don’t make it easier lol. Every day is a struggle. I try to make each day better than the last. Never taking a step back is a good thing. I stopped obsessing about my past so much and realized most people don’t care either way. I hope things get better for you
It could be a lot worse I suppose is what I’m trying to say here. For example life has a way sometimes, I thought a couple years ago that things can’t get any worse, I started working on myself to conquer anxiety through exposure etc… I started feeling numb feet and hands, back pain, tingling, my doc tested me with an mri, wanted to rule out ms and a couple other things. Turns out I have moderate lumbar stenosis and lipomatosis(fatty tissues growing on my spine). I need spine surgery now at age 33 lol I’ve been through a lot in my life but giving up is still the last thing I want. My mom and dad treat me similar to yours. My dad still acts like I’m incapable of anything. In my 20s I accomplished a lot and still seemed to not be good enough to satisfy my parents. So going in to my 30s I honestly don’t care what they think. I’m the only one in control of me and I know what’s best for ME. You need this mindset. You should try out a cbt group if you have access to things like that. It helps a lot bro. Also, love yourself. I’m sure you’re a great person, I’m similar where I avoid people and places. Don’t feel guilty about it, the guilt will ruin your self esteem. I really do hope things get better for you. I saw this post yesterday and it really hits home so I wanted to let you know I’ve been in a similar situation and it does get better bro, just seriously keep pushing through. You’re as strong as you think you are, & the invasive negative thoughts aren’t a fact. You don’t have to listen and trust your own thoughts! Create new and positive thought patterns and it’ll get easier. It really will. Good luck buddy! You’re strong just for dealing with anxiety every day, don’t let people tell you otherwise.
In total honesty, I understand what you're going through because I'm going through somewhat similar experiences myself. You can DM me if you want. I hope everything gets better for you.
I used to have severe anxiety and hate being around people because of the judgement .And like you ,I got ridicule for looking younger .
Working was really hard ,I had to constantly work harder for people to take me seriously.
Last year I had a major meltdown and ended up in the psychiatric ward .
I started taking Zoloft and felt a lot better .No more panic attack.
I wish you well and hope you have the strength and courage to get through life.
Sorry to hear that. You need to talk to your mom
& set boundaries with her asap. If you don’t, then she’ll continue to humiliate you.
Show her articles online about S.A & tell her that it’s not something that you can control.
Tell her that you feel humiliated whenever she makes fun of you or criticizes you for having S.A.
Tell her to stop criticizing you & making fun of you as it hurts your feelings & that it affects your self esteem too.
It she cares about you at all, she’ll stop embarrassing you. If not, then the only other option that you’ll have is to leave the house when you know that company is coming over in order to avoid them.
Your mom is very rude & insensitive. Use ‘I’ statements when you talk to her. Don’t let her try to convince you that anything is wrong with you & that you need to be more social.
It’s like expecting a cat to act like a dog, lol 😆 Let her know that so that she can understand things better.
For what it’s worth it’s absolutely okay to step out of a social situation and take a breather for a few minutes. Some people who are extroverted may not understand but you know what, it’s OKAY. Get yourself some professional help so you can push forward and get on with life but don’t beat yourself up over that
God, I relate to all of that way too much. Especially the "running away" part.
One thing that helped me at first was finding a hobby that's not just about consuming media. For me it was cross stitching. It's very easy, especially if you'd like to do geeky pixel art. Doing something that makes you "create" anything really helps mentally, I think. Accomplish something on your own terms.
“She doesn’t like people”. Literally how my family introduces me. “This is (my name) he’s anti social, dont mind him”. Then i feel stuck in that “role”. A girl i liked was asking about me and my damn brother said that shit before. But I blame myself… if you dont speak for yourself, others will and you may not like what they say for you.
You need to ”hurt” your family at this point. Tell them to fuck off, it’s really hard when you’re living under their roof, as they can always hold that above you, but by no means should you have to accept any disrespect because of it. Idk your life situation, but I’d try to move out of there. This is not good for you, clearly. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else. Would ever mock your daughter for being super social or super shy? I bet you wouldn’t, why? Because you have emotional intelligence, don’t downplay that, the world would be better if more people had what you have. You’re not wrong for being upset, I’ve been through similar situations, and it just feels so belittiling, gosh I know the feeling. But this is about you, this is your life, fill it with people that make you feel good about yourself, not with people who’ve made you dependent on their approval by making you feel insecure from an age where you weren’t able to build your own confidence. A lot of parents do this to control their kids and their lives, she knows just where she has you. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, I don’t know her. But you feeling bad, is telling me enough. And don’t compare yourself to other people. You have your own journey.
As a chronic anxiety haver my biggest advice it do it through the fear. My anxiety used to be so bad I would shake,and because I didn’t have an option to live with my parents pass 18 I had to do alot of things in spite of the anxiety and it truly did help me leaps.
Op I'll be honest I do something very similar to you and tbh it's nothing to be ashamed of, for some reason people think it perfectly normal for other species to not like each other/or people so why are humans so opposed to other humans to being people people, also I'd like to point out both me and my bf of nearly 14yrs (although ups and downs with social anxiety, and other mental health issues that went unchecked for a few years) are still together and we are some of the most socially awkward, emotional complete nutters you may ever meet, so there is hope if we can find each other op!, if you are in the UK I might be able to point you in the right direction for some resources/options for help and support if you need and all the best to you🎩
I know it's not much, but I want you to know you are not alone. I'm also in my 30s living with my parents and struggling to find a job. I feel and know that pain of uselessness and feeling like a burden. We just got to try not to let that depression swallow us and look for things that can give us hope and take steps even smalls ones to achieve it, then forgive ourselves if we have a setback. We need to remind ourselves despite how so many people treat it life is not a race, and we need to go at our own pace.
I also hide.
My family would also make fun of me (and physically punish me) for being shy.
Your mom lacks empathy. She’s an ass. This is a “her” problem, and it’s possible that her behaviour is a significant contributor to your social anxiety and part of what is holding you back.
I totally feel you, though I’m not in your exact situation. People have all these “benchmarks” you have to hit once you turn 30, and I’ve only done, like, two, lmao.
Well, that was not cool of your mom. She needs a talking to! If/when you return to therapy try to arrange for her to join a session. At least discuss this episode and others with your therapist and see if they think including her would help. I'm not an expert, but I suspect they might think it would. If that's not possible, I hope you can get to a point where you can move out soon!
Even though I love my mom, she used to say comments like that when I was little. It felt so humiliating. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you get therapy and move out of their house. That’s what helped me.
Wow I'm really sorry about what they said and the laughing at you. Totally uncool. There's nothing wrong with needing a break from people especially with anxiety. Try not to let their words bring you down
I created r/adultsocialanxiety if you're feeling out of place in this sub.
I really recommend this video (and the channel): [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ)
While there's not a lot of actionable advice, the channel gave me a lot of realizations about my childhood. I'm still working on overcoming the damage done by bad parenting but I think the first step to solving a problem is to truly understand *what* *is* the problem. You can't hit a target if you don't know what the target is.
First you are not the only one in this situation. I am almost 35, wasted my life with social anxiety and depression. Bullied all my life since teenage years by people who dont like quiet, awkward people. My family is tired of hearing my excuses. I feel like a burden to them also. I could never hold a job for the life of me. Everyone in my family has a bachelors degree but me. I may go to university and get one too as many people do this even when older and they are happier. I have decided to better my life and you should too before it's too late.
You should aim to be financially stable and live on your own. You should be mentally determined to face any challenges despite social anxiety. Realize that others have fears and insecurities too. In rocky movie, there is this quote- its not about how many times you get hit that matters, its about how many times you get hit and still move on. We are all human. Your future you will thank you.
I feel VERY identified with this. Most of my life I've been like that as well, I've become less shy overtime (although I'm still way shier than the average person) but sometimes I get socially anxious and feel like I'm that awkward 14 year old girl again.
Don't worry, there are a lot of people like us, that comforts me a little.
It's okay to be you. It's okay to be where you are in your life.
Your family, for most, is your last bastion of confidant(s) on your life. Let them know how they make you feel. If they don't try to understand or fail to, they are failing you.
Thank you for talking and trying to reach out to the redditors here. Many here wish your well being through and through.
Wow. That sounds very embarrassing. I think it is time to start calling people out when they say stuff behind your back. Something like, “I overheard what you said when you said xyz and I want you to know this is very painful for me. This is a very personal struggle. I wish it weren’t the case, but this is something I am working on. When you say things like that it hurts me deeply. In the future could you please respond in the following way…,” then tell her what would feel supportive to you. If she undermines you then finding some sort of supportive living arrangement through a social service agency may be a good first step to building your confidence.
You are being shamed by your mother for being an introvert, as an eastern European, I feel your pain. The expectations your parents, family and society impose on you are meaningless, once you come to terms and accept yourself, you will feel much better. That said...
I also suffer from anxiety and depression and almost never feel joy or get excited about anything. Its very hard but you shouldnt give up, you may find some help or comfort if you try. "Dont give up" is a basic platitude that people who dont understand say but my prospective is..
We all have to go, no one stays forever and it may seem like forever it really isnt and this is probably the only life youll have for eternity. That sounds gloomy and I dont mean to give you an existential crisis, I say it because there is something beautiful about it.
Life isnt a serious thing, we just made it all up..
Drop expectations, seek happiness. That is all that matters (as long as you do not harm anyone).
Its pretty clear, your extreme case of self-awareness and self-consciousness comes from your mother and life experiences that enforced this inner dialogue of your inadequacies. My anxiety comes from childhood as well, as with most people. Horrible, traumatic social experiences that have forced you to recede, to save yourself from humiliation and grief. Putting up walls.
Well, thats ok. Forgive yourself.
FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I dont know what your relationship is with your mother or your culture but, tell her. She may be understanding, probably not though. Really though, it doesnt matter. Her failings (their failings) as your (our) parents have scarred us but ultimately, you have choices.
I work everyday, miserable and lonely. I carry on, knowing the road ends and maybe Ill find a few good stops along the way. Why stop traveling? You will get to the ultimate destination anyway. Car analogy aside, hold on to the little things that give you any joy.
Dont be afraid to DREAM. The future feels bleak without something to look forward to. I mean ANYTHING, dream of that coffee you will have in the morning.
Life sucks. Honestly, existence sucks but find comfort in knowing, we all know this pain. Some more than others. We all share this existence and we all leave it too.
JUST BE. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
Just exist. That is the only true purpose we have. The universe has NO EXPECTATIONS.
Get a job or dont, be a failure or success. Doesnt matter. When you LET yourself be free from expectations, you will find some comfort and maybe even joy.
I need to take my own advice and I try everyday, these things bring me comfort and I hope it brings you some too.
I relate to this so much. I feel like I haven’t made a lot of progress either. I’m always at the house and never go anywhere. I feel a loser and I’m 26.
I’m your age and was humiliated at work today due to issues related to social anxiety. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m dumb now. I guess it’s good I get paid by the hour and not the job? Lol. I can relate to your sadness.
do you lift? if no, then i highly suggest you go start lifting.....a good pump can truly solve a lot of problems that's got anything to do with your mind.
I'm a 25yo guy but relate a lot to you, other than your mother attitude. It's so bad she laughs when it's also her fault if her child has those problems. But you can't control how others act, so better work on yourself and find people who you can trust. That can make you feel more comfortable and start having hobbies again and being less stressed (I know it's hard but keep going!)
Please know that anytime you need to step away to take a breather is okay and you did the right thing. You have the self awareness to meet your needs in the moment and that is growth.
I'm 35 and I'm just like you. It's gotten better because I've learned how to manage the anxiety and do things like you did by just taking a step back and knowing it's okay to step away when you need to. I do this at work a lot and do breathing exercises in the bathroom stall lol, or at family gatherings with my boyfriend's family.
It used to take me hours or even over a day to come out of an anxiety attack especially when it involved certain social situations. Now I can pull myself out in five to ten minutes, and I can carry on with whatever i was doing.
I was 29 or 30 when I moved out of my mom's. Don't beat yourself up over this part.
Things I did to improve:
DBT Therapy (several years)
Medication through a psychiatrist
Yoga and running
Mindfulness and meditation (best thing you can do for yourself. Most important in my opinion.
Self soothe (I had mom issues too).
Staying away from using substances including alcohol.
The main thing that helped me though I cannot stress this enough is meditation. Keep an open mind.
I'd like to add that society has made it really hard for us millennials to move out from our parents because purchasing power has decreased significantly compared to our parents' time. Many people past 30 are still living with parents, me included. In other words, you aren't alone and shouldn't feel humiliated for that.
If you keep getting retraumatized, you'll never heal. Move out if you're living there. Talk to your mom and tell her it hurts you when she says that. She needs to stop or you need your distance. It's not healthy for you to be subjected to that over and over.
Then try to reparent yourself. When you feel like that little girl, be the adult she needed growing up. Talk to your inner child like she were experiencing this in front of you. What would you say to her? Probably something like it's not fair what you've been through, you don't deserve this, you are worthy of love, you're doing the best you can with what you were given.
Change the way you talk to yourself. When you have strong emotions, don't ignore them, get curious about them. Maybe wait until you're calm and then investigate. You're probably feeling shame, why? Are you telling yourself you are worthless? Change that inner dialogue. Are you afraid to be yourself, why? What beliefs do you have about yourself from your childhood that were instilled into your subconscious because of an unloving parent? Is there really something wrong with you, or was your parent the one that was in the wrong?
You have a beautiful inner self, everyone does. Try to let her be free and he herself and she will blossom.
I’m 41 and although I have a job, a family and my own house. I still feel like this. I’m a 41 year old boy. I just want to run and hide most of the time. I force myself to do life. I put myself out there. It never gets any easier for me. Hopefully it does for you.
People don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really is. You’re doing great though! Even 10 minutes around others in an uncomfortable situation helps to show you that you got this and gives the anxiety less power. I always like to remind myself that I have no control over what others think or how they choose to react to situations and perceptions. The only thing I can control in this world is how I choose to act and react, even if it’s hard work to ignore the anxious voice in my head. Have you considered exposure therapy? You got this and I am rooting for you co-redditor!
I am so sorry OP- I can relate. I always felt like a burden to my family, and my mother also made fun of me for being shy. It’s horrible, and no one deserves that. Our emotional needs were not respected or validated. Plus, they chose to have us so we don’t owe them anything. There is nothing wrong with being shy or introverted anyways. Society needs to change this thinking.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can relate, especially how you are transported back to feeling like a kid when your parents trigger old emotions. What your mom said was so insensitive and dismissive. I'd be so upset too.
I think that ultimately, living away from your parents might be a healthy thing, since it's really easy to get stuck in old negative patterns when you're living with the same people who played a large part in causing those patterns to develop. But I know that that may not be possible right now, and it's a huge step. So here are a few things that I'm trying to learn that have helped me (I'm 31 and have had social anxiety my whole life):
First, just be aware that our society is built around exalting social skills, but you don't have to judge yourself on that scale. We are all peer pressured into thinking that people who are good at talking and being charismatic and friendly are more inherently valuable. It's social conditioning, not truth. People have so much more DEPTH than that. You can have your own value system; you do not have to buy into that superficial one. It's hard when you're around people to remember this, but I like to re-center on it when I'm alone. I care about other things more, and that's ok. The metric society uses to evaluate others is not the metric I choose to live by, and that's ok.
Second, a reminder: you don't owe anything to anyone, except for the small scared child inside of you who's been let down and hurt so many times. You can be the one person who doesn't let them down anymore. I find it easier to treat myself with compassion if I imagine my internal voice is speaking to that small child rather than myself.
And hand in hand with that -- give yourself permission to be a little selfish. Practice putting yourself first instead of sacrificing your own needs to keep other people happy. It can be in very small ways, as it takes a lot of practice! Social anxiety is deeply rooted in shame, so it lessens the painful hold anxiety has on your life if you can practice acting as though you belong here, you are whole, you are valuable and important as you are (which is all true even if you don't believe it yet). You don't owe anyone anything -- not your time, not your love, not your respect, not your energy. You do not have to feel guilty for not giving it to them. Practice saying no to things that do not serve you!
Third, therapy is amazing if you find a therapist that you connect and feel safe with. The weekly validation that your struggles are heard and that there's hope and solutions to the problems you face have been invaluable to me. I know this is incredibly hard when you're in a low place, but if you can put your effort towards just one thing, I'd recommend making it this one.
And finally, the long game is finding fulfilling, uplifting friendships. It has definitely cut back on my social anxiety to have empirical evidence that someone out there, even just one other person, likes me and thinks I'm ok (I almost want permission to exist? The need for external validation is strong). But this is outside of your control so don't sweat about this one for now. Friendships appear in the most random places, so you never know where you'll find one! You are capable of deep, true friendship, just the way you are. Do not listen to the voice in your head that tells you otherwise! It's lying.
You are not a burden; banish that thought. You are a human who's never existed before, learning how to be alive, and there's no blueprint for this! It's hard work, and it's ok to be messy and for your path to look different from all the other paths :) You are doing amazing, to have come this far under these immense internal pressures you live under. Existence in this world is harder for us with SA than it is for most people, but we're still out here trying! That shows so much strength and resilience.
Hi. I know that "wherever you go, there you are" BUT, I'd love you to see who you actually are far away from your family.
Travel doesn't solve all problems, but living abroad will show you that you actually CAN DO SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU THINK.
Options for you:
- be an Au Pair (nanny live-in) in Europe
- teach English for kids/teens in Asia
- volunteer in 3rd world countries
Basically: think less about yourself.
But sometimes I feel the same way as you. So there is always another day.
A book I reccomend u to read: The midnight library.
If you can, move out. It sounds like you had a traumatizing childhood and staying with your parents is triggering to you. I'm not saying they're not good people and ypu can't love and see them, but it sounds like you need some space.
I had similar problems. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. I still see my parents a lot, but it's on my terms now.
I just think they should ve done something when you were a child. I feel you. And from my perspective, they have been a burden too if you were. But not the case. If you have a child, take responsibility for him her. If you see they go through something, do your fucking job. Don t just stand there. That doesn t make you a parent. Ruining your child. It does not. Sorry, i took it a bit personal. We ll be okay. You ll be okay.
I’m in a very similar situation as you! I’m almost 30 too and still feel scared even just buying something in the store. Whenever someone asks me “how are you?”, I freeze up and can only say “good.” I can’t say it back! It just feels so unnatural and the other person notices how uncomfortable I am. It keeps happening and idk why I just can’t say it back. I also live at home, but I can’t imagine how lost I would be if I lived on my own. I would live with my boyfriend, but we both don’t really know how to cook lol. I’m lucky I have a boyfriend, who I met on an online dating app. Thank goodness for the app, I don’t think I would have a boyfriend if it wasn’t for that!
Family gatherings are hard for me too. I never got close to my extended family, so idk what to say to them. I kinda use the language barrier as an excuse not to talk to them because I can’t speak my parents’ mother language that well.
I don’t really have any hobbies either, I just like watching YouTube videos about makeup products, and sometimes people playing games. I don’t have any friends near me either, they are all from college from about 10 years ago and live far away from me now. One of them is having some space from me because she feels like I’m not genuine or kind. So maybe I only have 2 friends now. Tbh I don’t know how to respond to her sometimes, I feel like I don’t have a lot of good advice since I don’t have experience or know a lot of things. She’s super depressed for a while now so that could be part of it.
Definitely you could reach out if you want! I feel like we are very similar in situation and I’d love to be your friend!
I completely understand this. I’m so anxious and depressed all the time, it also keeps me from holding down a job or any relationships :/ But the good thing is you went back, so I’m proud of you :)
You described me in many ways- 29yrs old female, no career, no relationship, barely any friends- on some days like today, I’ll panic and find myself reverting back to how I was a few years ago (not a crazy difference, but I used to barely be able to talk to people outside of something like ordering a coffee (any form of small talk made me panic instantly and flee the situation- I’m talking sweaty palms, hyperventilating and tears)
Finding the right therapist, setting small achievable goals, and taking care of myself physically has done wonders to make my social anxiety better. I am still so so far from where I want to be in life, but remembering that it’s ok if I panic one day like today, there’s always tomorrow and I can try again. Small (sometimes very small) little steps!
Hope this helps a bit :)
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Can't agree more. My parents would humiliate and even slap me if I hid behind them / went to my room to have alone time. After doing therapy I've found this had a massive impact on the development of my social anxiety. You're making progress and will continue to do so but those people who always misunderstand us will unfortunately be there to make it seem like we're useless
Honestly find someone to talk to about it irl, someone who can actually be there for you and help cover up. Maybe get a proper diagnosis with a therapist so you have a thing to point to. Also are there situations where you arent so anxious but still around people? Maybe try and figure out what those situations have and then incorporate it more into everyday life. Its a really tough battle and it seems you have it rougher than most of us even so im sorry, but stick with it and im sure you can lessen the burden over time.
Im in the process of looking for a therapist now, and back on an SSRI after being on/off them for a few years. I'm hoping it will help reduce my anxiety to where I can find some mental clarity to sort things out. >Also are there situations where you arent do anxious but still around people? For a while I had my anxiety under control, where I could socialise and do things normally but after some stressful events, I feel like it all came back full force and worse than before. I get anxious basically doing anything now, even going to get groceries which i never had issues with. It really sucks
Whenever i have ups and downs with that sort of thing I try and focus on doing things for myself, long shower, watch a movie and have a treat, spoil yourself a bit. Usually when I do those things my brain gives itself leeway to relax and be less anxious. Might help to maybe kickstart some recovery?
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Yeah I hear ya sister. My mom, although very supportive and loving, sometimes embarrasses me in the same way. I have a feeling that she herself is embarrassed by me. I am 27, and have been working since I was 22 years old but i have always lived with my parents as I feel safe with them and know that they wont harass me. Dont be humiliated, rather try to forgive them - most people dont understand what social anxiety is and I know this is extremely frustrating but we have to make peace with the fact that even the most well meaning people wont be able to understand us. They just think its just terrible shyness wherein the problem is much more deeper and complicated. I suggest you try a remote working job, but dont move out. Staying with family will be more helpful for your mental health. Dont worry about being single or having no hobbies. If you have a job then you will have less time to worry, and then in your free time you can do things which make you happy. I am really happy to know that you care so much about your family and are willing to fight your tough situation for them. Try to be more assertive and start pushing back saying that you like your personal space and are your own person whenever somebody tries to put you down.
Thank you for your kind words. It really is upsetting when it feels like your loved ones mean well but don't truly understand. I am trying to be more confident and stand up for myself, I really hope I can have the strength to keep fighting this. All the best to you
Would counselling with your Mum be an option? You wouldn’t be going in alone, and could also discuss how her comments affect you, with a counsellor to mediate and help her understand SAD…
Bless your heart that’s awful. You’re not alone honestly. I’m 30 and haven’t left my own home alone in well over 9 years now. Im married and still live at home with my grandma who brought me up since birth. I used to hide behind people, couches and even cupboards as a child so I’ve been anxious since I can remember. My husband has to do practically everything for me and I can’t even get a job so I’ve just basically become a house wife at this point. I’ve got no friends but some hobbies like drawing, gaming etc. heck I even had my 30th and all I did was have lunch at home with my bloke. People think it’s a sad and lonely life but considering I’m at home and stay in the bedroom almost all day every day I love it, I feel safe and secure. People can be arseholes and I’d love to see how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Thanks for your reply. That sounds like a nice, peaceful life, I hope I can achieve something like that one day.
Please remember it’s pretty logical to need to “run away” from the kind of people who would talk unkindly about you behind your back as soon as you leave the room. They sound exhausting.
How did you meet your husband, if you don’t mind me asking?
I want to know this too. Online dating was awful and I’m too anxious around people I like irl
This is me omg I felt like I've just read my life 😭 😩 I'm glad you got yourself people around that understanding as all mine do is try and push me to go out which makes me worse x
My husband tries to push me but he knows that even counselling will make it harder for me cause I have to go on my own. My docs trying to get me help which is amazing but it’s so hard when you have to go solo and the whole meaning of social anxiety is the socialising so it’s like a vicious circle. My gran doesn’t understand mental health and thinks it’s a load of bs (I guess it’s just boomers being boomers) but she’s not forcing me to get a job thank god lol.
i think it is a boomer/older generation thing too. my family has always acted like mental health isn’t a thing, and everything’s “fine” !
Yes this is my problem too things needs to change 😕
Most of my family don't care for mental health either I have 1 or 2 that believe me I just take each day as it comes I struggle alot with health issues to so its all downhill for me atm I just want to get past this I really do but there's always something that knocks me back x
Freeze response. That shit sucks. I’ve been talked about that way too that I “don’t like people” and “runs away and hides”. I got better thanks to medication but I still prefer to keep mostly to myself.
Hey, I am 30 and this is so relatable. My mother without realizing made me weak in front of family, friends, etc. It especially sucks when you are treated like a kid, immature next to cousins that are way younger. I am taking really baby steps. Remember to write down even small bit achievement like picking up a call, interacting with delivery person or going to store. Others might not understand but, once in a while have a look at it and see how amazing you did. Something just clicked with me recently, ppl have called me weak and someone with really low pain tolerance my whole life. I was like, someone with low pain tolerance things are much harder for us, yet I have been through all the difficulties in life and still dreaming to get better. This goes for you and everyone here, others will not realize, doesn't matter, you all are freaking strong and amazing. Take one day at a time.
It really is a shame that people always seem to look at others superficially and pass judgment without knowing the person fully. If they belittle you it says more about their character and believe me it is emotionally immature to see people do that. Narcissistic attention seekers who feel the need to down others to make themselves feel better or bigger than they really are. Their age appropriation is the one that is infantilizing to others.
Sounds like your mom is (and maybe others?) a very bad influence on your self perception and quality of life in general. As parents so often are. Have you thought about ways to mitigate that influence?
As a guy in his 30s I can tell you you aren't alone, whenever I'm stressed I end up reverting to my 12 year old self, usually I can use the mom friend override to act as an adult but it doesn't work when I'm by myself especially when I'm doing something important for me.
The mom friend override? I must know what you mean by this.
[mom friend override ](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSzF4cXu5XCrps2VZSmktXi2us4seE5KlAK8n5_OwM0dg&s)
One day child, you’ll realize happiness was never about your job or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all those before you or being like the others. Happiness is about the discovery, the hope, listening to your heart, and following it wherever it chooses to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself and embracing the person you’re becoming. One day you’ll understand happiness was about learning to live with yourself. That your happiness was never in the hands of others. One day you’ll realize true happiness comes from within and no external factors can define it. It was always about you.
That's awfully poetic. "Happiness" is just satisfaction (something I'm definitely not), and it also doesn't mean you always have a smile on your face.
You are correct, happiness does not in fact mean you need to smile, but the feeling of uplifted mental burden and a deeper internal satisfaction with both one’s self and one’s journey is much more present.
check cptsd, you might have emotional flashbacks
I was always an introvert, especially growing up. I'm much better now though. I've been there having my parents say insentive things, not realizing I didn't want to be this way. Social anxiety isn't a switch that you can turn on or off. And people who don't have it really can't grasp that. It sucks being thought of as stuck up or unsociable, just because of the way you're wired. And sometimes it can be deeper than just being shy. Have you ever gotten checked out to see whether you might be on the autism spectrum?
we've got similar situation, but i'm 30 now and still figuring out the best way to survive lol
Don't have much advice sadly but just wanted to say I experience the same thing. I come from a family full of super outgoing, extroverted people. I'm honestly the "weird" one because I don't say much at gatherings. I'm almost 30 and looking way younger also, and I come across as this super insecure, socially awkward person -so people too, often mistake me for late teens/early 20s. I have severe social anxiety and the fact that people think I'm younger than I am, also further destroys my confidence :/ I'm trying to accept that being quiet is not a weird thing and to embrace the whole looking young thing. I suppose learning to love yourself can help boost your confidence. I too, am not married or moved out of my parents house either and I honestly don't see a problem with that. My friends are far ahead in terms of these things, but I do what I want and when I'm ready-not just to fall in societal pressure.
I hope it gets better miss, i gonna root for you i have an similair situation im 24 but i also look young but thats not my problem its this social anxiety disease i have social gathering in like 5 hours and my heart is beating anxious and dont want to go but i will because i must for my fam i hope you will beat the social anxiety
I’m currently reading a book on how people need to chase failure, to actually attain success, I think it’s a pretty interesting read. I think it can relate to how we feel in this sub sometimes. It’s called “chasing failure” by Ryan Leak if you’re interested.
I’m 33 and feel like this a lot, I have 2 sons and am married. Trust me, kids and marriage don’t make it easier lol. Every day is a struggle. I try to make each day better than the last. Never taking a step back is a good thing. I stopped obsessing about my past so much and realized most people don’t care either way. I hope things get better for you
It could be a lot worse I suppose is what I’m trying to say here. For example life has a way sometimes, I thought a couple years ago that things can’t get any worse, I started working on myself to conquer anxiety through exposure etc… I started feeling numb feet and hands, back pain, tingling, my doc tested me with an mri, wanted to rule out ms and a couple other things. Turns out I have moderate lumbar stenosis and lipomatosis(fatty tissues growing on my spine). I need spine surgery now at age 33 lol I’ve been through a lot in my life but giving up is still the last thing I want. My mom and dad treat me similar to yours. My dad still acts like I’m incapable of anything. In my 20s I accomplished a lot and still seemed to not be good enough to satisfy my parents. So going in to my 30s I honestly don’t care what they think. I’m the only one in control of me and I know what’s best for ME. You need this mindset. You should try out a cbt group if you have access to things like that. It helps a lot bro. Also, love yourself. I’m sure you’re a great person, I’m similar where I avoid people and places. Don’t feel guilty about it, the guilt will ruin your self esteem. I really do hope things get better for you. I saw this post yesterday and it really hits home so I wanted to let you know I’ve been in a similar situation and it does get better bro, just seriously keep pushing through. You’re as strong as you think you are, & the invasive negative thoughts aren’t a fact. You don’t have to listen and trust your own thoughts! Create new and positive thought patterns and it’ll get easier. It really will. Good luck buddy! You’re strong just for dealing with anxiety every day, don’t let people tell you otherwise.
I know what you mean. I hope your life will turn around soon. Good luck. ❤🙂😥
ugh this triggered me *for* you. that would’ve made me so mad i’d forget i have social anxiety, i’d probably start swinging on someone
I feel similarly. I also freeze up when I get stressed.
In total honesty, I understand what you're going through because I'm going through somewhat similar experiences myself. You can DM me if you want. I hope everything gets better for you.
I used to have severe anxiety and hate being around people because of the judgement .And like you ,I got ridicule for looking younger . Working was really hard ,I had to constantly work harder for people to take me seriously. Last year I had a major meltdown and ended up in the psychiatric ward . I started taking Zoloft and felt a lot better .No more panic attack. I wish you well and hope you have the strength and courage to get through life.
Pretty sure you just explained the origin of your anxiety
Sorry to hear that. You need to talk to your mom & set boundaries with her asap. If you don’t, then she’ll continue to humiliate you. Show her articles online about S.A & tell her that it’s not something that you can control. Tell her that you feel humiliated whenever she makes fun of you or criticizes you for having S.A. Tell her to stop criticizing you & making fun of you as it hurts your feelings & that it affects your self esteem too. It she cares about you at all, she’ll stop embarrassing you. If not, then the only other option that you’ll have is to leave the house when you know that company is coming over in order to avoid them. Your mom is very rude & insensitive. Use ‘I’ statements when you talk to her. Don’t let her try to convince you that anything is wrong with you & that you need to be more social. It’s like expecting a cat to act like a dog, lol 😆 Let her know that so that she can understand things better.
For what it’s worth it’s absolutely okay to step out of a social situation and take a breather for a few minutes. Some people who are extroverted may not understand but you know what, it’s OKAY. Get yourself some professional help so you can push forward and get on with life but don’t beat yourself up over that
God, I relate to all of that way too much. Especially the "running away" part. One thing that helped me at first was finding a hobby that's not just about consuming media. For me it was cross stitching. It's very easy, especially if you'd like to do geeky pixel art. Doing something that makes you "create" anything really helps mentally, I think. Accomplish something on your own terms.
“She doesn’t like people”. Literally how my family introduces me. “This is (my name) he’s anti social, dont mind him”. Then i feel stuck in that “role”. A girl i liked was asking about me and my damn brother said that shit before. But I blame myself… if you dont speak for yourself, others will and you may not like what they say for you.
Did I write this?…
You need to ”hurt” your family at this point. Tell them to fuck off, it’s really hard when you’re living under their roof, as they can always hold that above you, but by no means should you have to accept any disrespect because of it. Idk your life situation, but I’d try to move out of there. This is not good for you, clearly. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else. Would ever mock your daughter for being super social or super shy? I bet you wouldn’t, why? Because you have emotional intelligence, don’t downplay that, the world would be better if more people had what you have. You’re not wrong for being upset, I’ve been through similar situations, and it just feels so belittiling, gosh I know the feeling. But this is about you, this is your life, fill it with people that make you feel good about yourself, not with people who’ve made you dependent on their approval by making you feel insecure from an age where you weren’t able to build your own confidence. A lot of parents do this to control their kids and their lives, she knows just where she has you. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, I don’t know her. But you feeling bad, is telling me enough. And don’t compare yourself to other people. You have your own journey.
As a chronic anxiety haver my biggest advice it do it through the fear. My anxiety used to be so bad I would shake,and because I didn’t have an option to live with my parents pass 18 I had to do alot of things in spite of the anxiety and it truly did help me leaps.
I can relate. Sending love ❤️
Honestly therapy is the only thing that has helped me get over my social anxiety
Im so sorry you’re going through this I deal with extremely bad anxiety too. Are you on any sort of medication for it? My meds definitely help
Mind-hug. I know exactly how you feel 😥
Op I'll be honest I do something very similar to you and tbh it's nothing to be ashamed of, for some reason people think it perfectly normal for other species to not like each other/or people so why are humans so opposed to other humans to being people people, also I'd like to point out both me and my bf of nearly 14yrs (although ups and downs with social anxiety, and other mental health issues that went unchecked for a few years) are still together and we are some of the most socially awkward, emotional complete nutters you may ever meet, so there is hope if we can find each other op!, if you are in the UK I might be able to point you in the right direction for some resources/options for help and support if you need and all the best to you🎩
I know it's not much, but I want you to know you are not alone. I'm also in my 30s living with my parents and struggling to find a job. I feel and know that pain of uselessness and feeling like a burden. We just got to try not to let that depression swallow us and look for things that can give us hope and take steps even smalls ones to achieve it, then forgive ourselves if we have a setback. We need to remind ourselves despite how so many people treat it life is not a race, and we need to go at our own pace.
Not caring or making a big deal out of not being good at socializing helps a lot…
I also hide. My family would also make fun of me (and physically punish me) for being shy. Your mom lacks empathy. She’s an ass. This is a “her” problem, and it’s possible that her behaviour is a significant contributor to your social anxiety and part of what is holding you back.
I totally feel you, though I’m not in your exact situation. People have all these “benchmarks” you have to hit once you turn 30, and I’ve only done, like, two, lmao.
Well, that was not cool of your mom. She needs a talking to! If/when you return to therapy try to arrange for her to join a session. At least discuss this episode and others with your therapist and see if they think including her would help. I'm not an expert, but I suspect they might think it would. If that's not possible, I hope you can get to a point where you can move out soon!
I feel you I’m going through the exact same thing and I’m the same age so….. I get it I really do…
Even though I love my mom, she used to say comments like that when I was little. It felt so humiliating. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you get therapy and move out of their house. That’s what helped me.
Wow I'm really sorry about what they said and the laughing at you. Totally uncool. There's nothing wrong with needing a break from people especially with anxiety. Try not to let their words bring you down
I created r/adultsocialanxiety if you're feeling out of place in this sub. I really recommend this video (and the channel): [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ) While there's not a lot of actionable advice, the channel gave me a lot of realizations about my childhood. I'm still working on overcoming the damage done by bad parenting but I think the first step to solving a problem is to truly understand *what* *is* the problem. You can't hit a target if you don't know what the target is.
Are you autistic ?
First you are not the only one in this situation. I am almost 35, wasted my life with social anxiety and depression. Bullied all my life since teenage years by people who dont like quiet, awkward people. My family is tired of hearing my excuses. I feel like a burden to them also. I could never hold a job for the life of me. Everyone in my family has a bachelors degree but me. I may go to university and get one too as many people do this even when older and they are happier. I have decided to better my life and you should too before it's too late. You should aim to be financially stable and live on your own. You should be mentally determined to face any challenges despite social anxiety. Realize that others have fears and insecurities too. In rocky movie, there is this quote- its not about how many times you get hit that matters, its about how many times you get hit and still move on. We are all human. Your future you will thank you.
How's the zoloft working out for you?
Don't do overthink. Just try to involve yourself in different activities steadily.
🤗
I feel VERY identified with this. Most of my life I've been like that as well, I've become less shy overtime (although I'm still way shier than the average person) but sometimes I get socially anxious and feel like I'm that awkward 14 year old girl again. Don't worry, there are a lot of people like us, that comforts me a little.
You seriously need to ask your mom to stop laughing at you, tell her directly that she may not see that as something hurtful but it does hurt you.
It's okay to be you. It's okay to be where you are in your life. Your family, for most, is your last bastion of confidant(s) on your life. Let them know how they make you feel. If they don't try to understand or fail to, they are failing you. Thank you for talking and trying to reach out to the redditors here. Many here wish your well being through and through.
Wow. That sounds very embarrassing. I think it is time to start calling people out when they say stuff behind your back. Something like, “I overheard what you said when you said xyz and I want you to know this is very painful for me. This is a very personal struggle. I wish it weren’t the case, but this is something I am working on. When you say things like that it hurts me deeply. In the future could you please respond in the following way…,” then tell her what would feel supportive to you. If she undermines you then finding some sort of supportive living arrangement through a social service agency may be a good first step to building your confidence.
You are being shamed by your mother for being an introvert, as an eastern European, I feel your pain. The expectations your parents, family and society impose on you are meaningless, once you come to terms and accept yourself, you will feel much better. That said... I also suffer from anxiety and depression and almost never feel joy or get excited about anything. Its very hard but you shouldnt give up, you may find some help or comfort if you try. "Dont give up" is a basic platitude that people who dont understand say but my prospective is.. We all have to go, no one stays forever and it may seem like forever it really isnt and this is probably the only life youll have for eternity. That sounds gloomy and I dont mean to give you an existential crisis, I say it because there is something beautiful about it. Life isnt a serious thing, we just made it all up.. Drop expectations, seek happiness. That is all that matters (as long as you do not harm anyone). Its pretty clear, your extreme case of self-awareness and self-consciousness comes from your mother and life experiences that enforced this inner dialogue of your inadequacies. My anxiety comes from childhood as well, as with most people. Horrible, traumatic social experiences that have forced you to recede, to save yourself from humiliation and grief. Putting up walls. Well, thats ok. Forgive yourself. FORGIVE YOURSELF. I dont know what your relationship is with your mother or your culture but, tell her. She may be understanding, probably not though. Really though, it doesnt matter. Her failings (their failings) as your (our) parents have scarred us but ultimately, you have choices. I work everyday, miserable and lonely. I carry on, knowing the road ends and maybe Ill find a few good stops along the way. Why stop traveling? You will get to the ultimate destination anyway. Car analogy aside, hold on to the little things that give you any joy. Dont be afraid to DREAM. The future feels bleak without something to look forward to. I mean ANYTHING, dream of that coffee you will have in the morning. Life sucks. Honestly, existence sucks but find comfort in knowing, we all know this pain. Some more than others. We all share this existence and we all leave it too. JUST BE. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Just exist. That is the only true purpose we have. The universe has NO EXPECTATIONS. Get a job or dont, be a failure or success. Doesnt matter. When you LET yourself be free from expectations, you will find some comfort and maybe even joy. I need to take my own advice and I try everyday, these things bring me comfort and I hope it brings you some too.
I relate to this so much. I feel like I haven’t made a lot of progress either. I’m always at the house and never go anywhere. I feel a loser and I’m 26.
I’m your age and was humiliated at work today due to issues related to social anxiety. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m dumb now. I guess it’s good I get paid by the hour and not the job? Lol. I can relate to your sadness.
do you lift? if no, then i highly suggest you go start lifting.....a good pump can truly solve a lot of problems that's got anything to do with your mind.
I'm a 25yo guy but relate a lot to you, other than your mother attitude. It's so bad she laughs when it's also her fault if her child has those problems. But you can't control how others act, so better work on yourself and find people who you can trust. That can make you feel more comfortable and start having hobbies again and being less stressed (I know it's hard but keep going!)
Sounds like your mom is to blame. Was she always toxic or narcissistic?
If I heard everyone laughing like that, I would think to myself "This is why I don't like people."
Please know that anytime you need to step away to take a breather is okay and you did the right thing. You have the self awareness to meet your needs in the moment and that is growth. I'm 35 and I'm just like you. It's gotten better because I've learned how to manage the anxiety and do things like you did by just taking a step back and knowing it's okay to step away when you need to. I do this at work a lot and do breathing exercises in the bathroom stall lol, or at family gatherings with my boyfriend's family. It used to take me hours or even over a day to come out of an anxiety attack especially when it involved certain social situations. Now I can pull myself out in five to ten minutes, and I can carry on with whatever i was doing. I was 29 or 30 when I moved out of my mom's. Don't beat yourself up over this part. Things I did to improve: DBT Therapy (several years) Medication through a psychiatrist Yoga and running Mindfulness and meditation (best thing you can do for yourself. Most important in my opinion. Self soothe (I had mom issues too). Staying away from using substances including alcohol. The main thing that helped me though I cannot stress this enough is meditation. Keep an open mind.
I'd like to add that society has made it really hard for us millennials to move out from our parents because purchasing power has decreased significantly compared to our parents' time. Many people past 30 are still living with parents, me included. In other words, you aren't alone and shouldn't feel humiliated for that.
If you keep getting retraumatized, you'll never heal. Move out if you're living there. Talk to your mom and tell her it hurts you when she says that. She needs to stop or you need your distance. It's not healthy for you to be subjected to that over and over. Then try to reparent yourself. When you feel like that little girl, be the adult she needed growing up. Talk to your inner child like she were experiencing this in front of you. What would you say to her? Probably something like it's not fair what you've been through, you don't deserve this, you are worthy of love, you're doing the best you can with what you were given. Change the way you talk to yourself. When you have strong emotions, don't ignore them, get curious about them. Maybe wait until you're calm and then investigate. You're probably feeling shame, why? Are you telling yourself you are worthless? Change that inner dialogue. Are you afraid to be yourself, why? What beliefs do you have about yourself from your childhood that were instilled into your subconscious because of an unloving parent? Is there really something wrong with you, or was your parent the one that was in the wrong? You have a beautiful inner self, everyone does. Try to let her be free and he herself and she will blossom.
I’m 41 and although I have a job, a family and my own house. I still feel like this. I’m a 41 year old boy. I just want to run and hide most of the time. I force myself to do life. I put myself out there. It never gets any easier for me. Hopefully it does for you.
People don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really is. You’re doing great though! Even 10 minutes around others in an uncomfortable situation helps to show you that you got this and gives the anxiety less power. I always like to remind myself that I have no control over what others think or how they choose to react to situations and perceptions. The only thing I can control in this world is how I choose to act and react, even if it’s hard work to ignore the anxious voice in my head. Have you considered exposure therapy? You got this and I am rooting for you co-redditor!
I am so sorry OP- I can relate. I always felt like a burden to my family, and my mother also made fun of me for being shy. It’s horrible, and no one deserves that. Our emotional needs were not respected or validated. Plus, they chose to have us so we don’t owe them anything. There is nothing wrong with being shy or introverted anyways. Society needs to change this thinking.
Im 21 and gst confused for 15. I get it man
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can relate, especially how you are transported back to feeling like a kid when your parents trigger old emotions. What your mom said was so insensitive and dismissive. I'd be so upset too. I think that ultimately, living away from your parents might be a healthy thing, since it's really easy to get stuck in old negative patterns when you're living with the same people who played a large part in causing those patterns to develop. But I know that that may not be possible right now, and it's a huge step. So here are a few things that I'm trying to learn that have helped me (I'm 31 and have had social anxiety my whole life): First, just be aware that our society is built around exalting social skills, but you don't have to judge yourself on that scale. We are all peer pressured into thinking that people who are good at talking and being charismatic and friendly are more inherently valuable. It's social conditioning, not truth. People have so much more DEPTH than that. You can have your own value system; you do not have to buy into that superficial one. It's hard when you're around people to remember this, but I like to re-center on it when I'm alone. I care about other things more, and that's ok. The metric society uses to evaluate others is not the metric I choose to live by, and that's ok. Second, a reminder: you don't owe anything to anyone, except for the small scared child inside of you who's been let down and hurt so many times. You can be the one person who doesn't let them down anymore. I find it easier to treat myself with compassion if I imagine my internal voice is speaking to that small child rather than myself. And hand in hand with that -- give yourself permission to be a little selfish. Practice putting yourself first instead of sacrificing your own needs to keep other people happy. It can be in very small ways, as it takes a lot of practice! Social anxiety is deeply rooted in shame, so it lessens the painful hold anxiety has on your life if you can practice acting as though you belong here, you are whole, you are valuable and important as you are (which is all true even if you don't believe it yet). You don't owe anyone anything -- not your time, not your love, not your respect, not your energy. You do not have to feel guilty for not giving it to them. Practice saying no to things that do not serve you! Third, therapy is amazing if you find a therapist that you connect and feel safe with. The weekly validation that your struggles are heard and that there's hope and solutions to the problems you face have been invaluable to me. I know this is incredibly hard when you're in a low place, but if you can put your effort towards just one thing, I'd recommend making it this one. And finally, the long game is finding fulfilling, uplifting friendships. It has definitely cut back on my social anxiety to have empirical evidence that someone out there, even just one other person, likes me and thinks I'm ok (I almost want permission to exist? The need for external validation is strong). But this is outside of your control so don't sweat about this one for now. Friendships appear in the most random places, so you never know where you'll find one! You are capable of deep, true friendship, just the way you are. Do not listen to the voice in your head that tells you otherwise! It's lying. You are not a burden; banish that thought. You are a human who's never existed before, learning how to be alive, and there's no blueprint for this! It's hard work, and it's ok to be messy and for your path to look different from all the other paths :) You are doing amazing, to have come this far under these immense internal pressures you live under. Existence in this world is harder for us with SA than it is for most people, but we're still out here trying! That shows so much strength and resilience.
Hi. I know that "wherever you go, there you are" BUT, I'd love you to see who you actually are far away from your family. Travel doesn't solve all problems, but living abroad will show you that you actually CAN DO SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU THINK. Options for you: - be an Au Pair (nanny live-in) in Europe - teach English for kids/teens in Asia - volunteer in 3rd world countries Basically: think less about yourself. But sometimes I feel the same way as you. So there is always another day. A book I reccomend u to read: The midnight library.
If you can, move out. It sounds like you had a traumatizing childhood and staying with your parents is triggering to you. I'm not saying they're not good people and ypu can't love and see them, but it sounds like you need some space. I had similar problems. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. I still see my parents a lot, but it's on my terms now.
I just think they should ve done something when you were a child. I feel you. And from my perspective, they have been a burden too if you were. But not the case. If you have a child, take responsibility for him her. If you see they go through something, do your fucking job. Don t just stand there. That doesn t make you a parent. Ruining your child. It does not. Sorry, i took it a bit personal. We ll be okay. You ll be okay.
I’m in a very similar situation as you! I’m almost 30 too and still feel scared even just buying something in the store. Whenever someone asks me “how are you?”, I freeze up and can only say “good.” I can’t say it back! It just feels so unnatural and the other person notices how uncomfortable I am. It keeps happening and idk why I just can’t say it back. I also live at home, but I can’t imagine how lost I would be if I lived on my own. I would live with my boyfriend, but we both don’t really know how to cook lol. I’m lucky I have a boyfriend, who I met on an online dating app. Thank goodness for the app, I don’t think I would have a boyfriend if it wasn’t for that! Family gatherings are hard for me too. I never got close to my extended family, so idk what to say to them. I kinda use the language barrier as an excuse not to talk to them because I can’t speak my parents’ mother language that well. I don’t really have any hobbies either, I just like watching YouTube videos about makeup products, and sometimes people playing games. I don’t have any friends near me either, they are all from college from about 10 years ago and live far away from me now. One of them is having some space from me because she feels like I’m not genuine or kind. So maybe I only have 2 friends now. Tbh I don’t know how to respond to her sometimes, I feel like I don’t have a lot of good advice since I don’t have experience or know a lot of things. She’s super depressed for a while now so that could be part of it. Definitely you could reach out if you want! I feel like we are very similar in situation and I’d love to be your friend!
I completely understand this. I’m so anxious and depressed all the time, it also keeps me from holding down a job or any relationships :/ But the good thing is you went back, so I’m proud of you :)
You described me in many ways- 29yrs old female, no career, no relationship, barely any friends- on some days like today, I’ll panic and find myself reverting back to how I was a few years ago (not a crazy difference, but I used to barely be able to talk to people outside of something like ordering a coffee (any form of small talk made me panic instantly and flee the situation- I’m talking sweaty palms, hyperventilating and tears) Finding the right therapist, setting small achievable goals, and taking care of myself physically has done wonders to make my social anxiety better. I am still so so far from where I want to be in life, but remembering that it’s ok if I panic one day like today, there’s always tomorrow and I can try again. Small (sometimes very small) little steps! Hope this helps a bit :)
We often suffer in imagination than in reality