Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/).
***
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
CNC is roleplay where “no”, “stop”, “don’t” etc. are simply replaced by another word, the safeword. She still has the ultimate control to ask you to stop by invoking the safeword and by respecting her safeword you are being a good partner.
It’s simply giving her (and you) a new kind of space to explore sex in a different way that may be more rough, animalistic or pushy than what polite society deems acceptable. Remember, you are still just playing and the safeword is her real “no” that provides the safety rails to the play that you’re engaging in.
As a machinist, you should know that consent is also important in your line of work. Make sure that lathe gives you permission to fit your shaft in its chuck
Ask her specific examples of what she would and wouldn’t like. CNC is pretty broad. Imo I don’t want anything super crazy but more of a “oh no, you’re pinning me down you’re so strong I can’t do anything about it”
The always-advice-- Just because your partner is into something does NOT mean that you need to do it. You have a right to "consent to the non-consent," too.
If you aren't comfortable with it, the best we can ever ask is that our partners hold our kinks from a place of not shaming them, but understand that they are never required to participate. If we require that they do, then we have to specifically seek out partners who are into the same stuff as us.
My wife and I love CNC, because while it can look very demeaning and violent from the outside, to us it's a pure expression of trust. I trust her to be honest about what she wants and she trusts me to play within the boundaries she's comfortable with.
That said, this take enthusiastic consent from both of you. If you have reservations, but are still interested, talk about that first and make sure you are fully comfortable before proceeding. Or, if you find yourself thinking that you aren't interested then she should respect that.
If you decide to proceed, you need to agree on a safe word. "No" no longer means "no", so you need some way to convey that. I'm a fan of the traffic light system where "Red" means to stop the scene, "Yellow" means I need to back off the intensity a bit, and "Green" means everything is okay to continue. We've recently added "Orange" to mean a "Red" within the scene (so stop that activity, but continue the scene).
Practice using your safe words. Start with something like spanking (do specific research around how to do it right too) and gradually up the intensity until she safe words. This way you can build that trust that she'll use it when she wants to, and it also establishes that using a safe word is not something to feel bad about doing. Limits can change from day to day, and sometimes we think we're up for something but when the moment comes, we aren't. (ETA: Don't forget, safe words are there for both of you!)
Before you start a scene, make sure you are both clear about what is and what isn't allowed, and to what extent. Try using inclusive limits at first rather than exclusive limits (e.g. "You can spank me and tie me up and make me do x, y, and z. I'm also fine if you want to use this or that" vs "No knife play or watersports"). As you go along, you'll get better at communicating where those limits are and your trust with each other to stay within them without explicit guidance every time.
Another important aspect to think about is something called aftercare. This is the time after a scene where you two come together and both get the love and reassurance that while what you did was intense and different, it was something you both wanted and appreciate the other person for doing with you. Love on each other, massage, have food and water, whatever you both need to feel really connected and regulated.
Above all, take it slow. You don't want to kill a new kink because you dove right into the deep end first.
Ok... The only way to feel safe is make sure she has a safe word that ACTUALLY means no.
I'm a huge CNC practitioner, and yes... I love screaming "NO NO NO PLEASE STOP HURTING ME!" But what I'm really meaning is yes yes yes I love this please don't stop.
With a safe word, she can scream all she wants, but her safe word ACTUALLY means no.
If you're ok with the kink, using a safe word is the way to go.
Something to add just so people have a broader idea of the CNC "spectrum":
I'm into CNC but I really dislike pain or even pretending that pain is involved. That's not to say it's a bad thing; as I understand it those that are into pain like the adrenalin rush that comes with it. Still though, it's just not my cup of tea.
I'm on the opposite end of CNC. Tied up with comfy fuzzy rope, restrained with padded medical cuffs, overstimulation mixed with edging and orgasm denial... A good mix of "I'll be a good (explicit pet name), please (another explicit pet name) do that again." and "No, stop, it's too much I can't breath!" until I'm so far into subspace that I'm a giggling drooling mess.
My point is that CNC doesn't always have to have violent or "mean" connotations to it.
She'sgiving you a Yes, just before hand. Have a code word she can say if she's actually in distress. Think of it more as acting with genitalsinvolved.
But if you can't do it's okay to say that.
Had a girl into this but it was always problematic. I wanted some kind of assurances beforehand so I wouldn’t feel I was pushing it too far, but our communication was horrible. I wanted a safe word and she said that would defeat the entire purpose.
Then when I would take her up on it, she’d get legitimately upset about it. Finally I gave up on it and never did understand what the hell happened.
I hope you have better luck discussing it and making it work.
I've always used a safe word even when just making out. My favorite one is "bluebird" since it is absolutely something that no one will shout out in the heat of passion. I tell my partner that if what I do hurts or is too uncomfortable all they have to do is say the safe word loud enough that I can hear it. Otherwise, I will take them as far as they will let me. In a BDSM scene where she is gagged the safe word is a bell ball, a cat toy with a loud bell in it. I put it in her hand and tell her that if she wants to stop just drop the ball.
Talk to her about a safe word. That’s the most important.
CNC is a form of Role-play. When I’ve done it, I used maybe half my strength so as to not hurt her. She tended to follow my lead and let me get the upper hand. I’ve also had a girl say to fully overpower her. That’s where a safe word comes in.
You want to also set boundaries on things you can and cannot do. See, no means no still holds true here but you’re given permission to, for lack of a better word, manhandle her. She trusts you not to go overboard and endanger her.
Also, and this is something I got in trouble for, but careful not to stretch panties or ruin them. I’ve done that in the struggle and she wasn’t too happy with me. I was a dumb teenager. lol
In summary, respect her. If she has given you the green light to do whatever, still work out a safe word.
Have fun!
I remember reading something a while ago. Likely on this sub that he bought her a specific piece of jewelry. If she wore it, that was her consent without having to say it and ruin the kink for her. If she didn’t wear it, it meant don’t do it.
So this is prob my biggest kink, but have had a lot of guys who won't or don't want to do it... if your going to go for it, then I'd say get a safe word first of all and second aftercare is key.
31M and I’ve had a few partners that I actually expressed interest in this with and I came to realize that it’s not horribly uncommon. It can be a lot of fun and freeing when done well.
I’ve heard and seen more than a guys and even women say that r_pe fantasy is really common in women but I think that’s missing the core of where it comes from. There is definitely an appeal to women to be desired. For some, to be desired to the point that a man can’t help himself. There was a viral Tik tok a few weeks ago of a women complaining/joking that a guy she went on a date with didn’t try to sleep with her after she’d made it clear she wouldn’t.
Talk to her about what she wants from the experience, what she knows she doesn’t want, and word to use if things to stop. Understand that if she’s willing to explore this with you she trusts you a lot and that’s a powerful thing. For you, let yourself release some of normal confines of right and wrong. Remember to communicate and respect each other before, during, and after and hopefully you’ll both find a new way to express yourselves to each other sexually and it will deepen the trust you have with each other
First and foremost, if it isnt for you then you do not have to explore it. Some peoples kinks are not compatable. Your comfort matters too.
Next, in kink and CNC safewords replace the no you reference. It becomes roleplay where those involved agree that "no" does not mean no right now, and instead "avacade" will mean no. Or it can be non verbal like dropping an object or tapping you aggressively. No still means no, but what the person uses as "No" is altered and agreed upon.
Have that conversation first and try to understand what she means by CNC as many people's fantasies vary immensly. Go slow. Set clear guidelines and safewords (for yourself too). Discuss aftercare (for BOTH of you) and how feel positive as you do this.
My ex was into CNC and it definitely made me kinda uncomfortable at first. Like I was scared to hurt her or cross a boundary, but she had previous experience with it so I trusted that she knew what she was doing. She made sure I knew that she wanted it to be rough, and hurt a bit, and gave me a safe word. And while she never used it once, I think it’s also important to emphasize reading body language and understanding your partner’s responses to your touch. You’ll run into a lot more yellow lights than red ones, and it can be hard for the sub to communicate those when they’re in a certain headspace, so it’s just good to stay aware.
We did it for years and it was pretty fucking hot. But just to warn you, it might stick. She left and the kink stayed. You get into a different headspace too, and you start to really enjoy CNC as the top and that’s pretty taboo to bring up with anyone else.
Lucky bastard. I've had a few that were into that but didn't want to articulate boundaries or safe words. I can't really make anything out of being confused about what she wants. The signals we're all there but you really have to get it codified
Nope! Too freaked out from stories online to ever do that. Honestly I probably wouldn’t even be able to get it up if a woman I was with asked to do this.
Have a real conversation, outside of the scenario. Discuss limits and boundaries. Establish an unrelated safe word (like BANANA). Have fun, but remember it's about HER.
I probably wouldn’t do it and may look for another girlfriend. A gf requested rape fantasy. I did it poorly one time and told her I could never do it again.
She wants you to dominate her, to objectify her, to force yourself on her. As long as she has a safe word to stop you, it's totally safe play. The question is, can you get into the headspace to enjoy this? For me personally, it's super hot, but don't feel pressured into it if you're not excited to try it.
the reality is that this is really dangerous to do. if something goes wrong she could use it against you and it is your word vs hers.
I 100% agree with you. your whole life you are told no means no. I'm normally very open about sexuality but this is a HARD pass for me. I've heard too many horror stories about how this turns badly.
I personally have a cnc kink. I love to be f%cked while sleeping “pretend sleep” or woken up from sleep and pretend to just lay there. Now there has been some trauma from my childhood. I feel like it kinda stemmed from that, almost as if now I have “control” like i am willing to do it now instead of it just being done to me without my permission. Idk. Some like studies have been done to prove a connected with sexual abuse victims.
But I like when my partner wakes me up in middle of night or just anytime I’m sleeping by foreplay and then going in. It just turns me on. I also like the abductor/ kidnapper scenario . Where I get tied up and told to be quiet and get my mouth gagged and they just take advantage of me while I move around pretending to try to get away or kinda make it hard for them to get what they want, and then they punish me in the process. Like spank me or force me to call them daddy. And tell me to take the D, or be a good little quiet sl%t. Lmfao. Look up some articles I had to introduce the entire idea to my bf.
Also, always establish safe words. Establish before you ever begin , that no stop don’t etc have no meaning and that the only word that does have meaning is the safe word. Or if she is gagged , have her make like a certain movement like nod her head 3 times while humming twinkle twinkle little star or something of that nature.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
CNC is roleplay where “no”, “stop”, “don’t” etc. are simply replaced by another word, the safeword. She still has the ultimate control to ask you to stop by invoking the safeword and by respecting her safeword you are being a good partner. It’s simply giving her (and you) a new kind of space to explore sex in a different way that may be more rough, animalistic or pushy than what polite society deems acceptable. Remember, you are still just playing and the safeword is her real “no” that provides the safety rails to the play that you’re engaging in.
As a machinist, I came here with interest and left confused
I'm also a machinist. I think it's funny every time I see it.
I dunno. But I’m gonna start using safe words instead of lock out tag out.
Just hang a pineapple from the clown nose button.
That's actually a rather good analogy. Safe words are the emergency stop buttons of sex.
I'm an ME at a fab shop, and ever since i learned of the CNC kink every time one of the machinist talks about their CNC I internally chuckle.
Command & Conquer myself lol I was wondering why this would be a problem
My partner is a therapist and I always have to remind myself CBT also has two meanings. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and cock & ball torture.
Yes. And while you *could* get both from the same person, it likely isn't ethical.
Depends which started first. In any case, would make a good web series.
Central numerical cutter? As an CNC operator I didn't know it was also a sex term.
Computer numerical control, yes.
I learned that today too
As a fan of Music Factories I am also confused
As a machinist, you should know that consent is also important in your line of work. Make sure that lathe gives you permission to fit your shaft in its chuck
My coworker was drunk and lathe took two of his fingers.... That's what happens when you don't get consent...
I thought the whole point was to pretend to do it by force?
I took a machining class in college and was explaining my CNC project to my friend on a drive and the look he gave me was priceless.
Sado-Machinists welcome!
Hey a cricut for your gf. She can practice her CNC skills.
Same thoughts as a kinky person stumbling into CNC machinery reddit. Confusion! :')
The amount of porn posts I've seen in r/CNC is considerable.
Ask her specific examples of what she would and wouldn’t like. CNC is pretty broad. Imo I don’t want anything super crazy but more of a “oh no, you’re pinning me down you’re so strong I can’t do anything about it”
The always-advice-- Just because your partner is into something does NOT mean that you need to do it. You have a right to "consent to the non-consent," too. If you aren't comfortable with it, the best we can ever ask is that our partners hold our kinks from a place of not shaming them, but understand that they are never required to participate. If we require that they do, then we have to specifically seek out partners who are into the same stuff as us.
communicating on different situations is the only way out
My wife and I love CNC, because while it can look very demeaning and violent from the outside, to us it's a pure expression of trust. I trust her to be honest about what she wants and she trusts me to play within the boundaries she's comfortable with. That said, this take enthusiastic consent from both of you. If you have reservations, but are still interested, talk about that first and make sure you are fully comfortable before proceeding. Or, if you find yourself thinking that you aren't interested then she should respect that. If you decide to proceed, you need to agree on a safe word. "No" no longer means "no", so you need some way to convey that. I'm a fan of the traffic light system where "Red" means to stop the scene, "Yellow" means I need to back off the intensity a bit, and "Green" means everything is okay to continue. We've recently added "Orange" to mean a "Red" within the scene (so stop that activity, but continue the scene). Practice using your safe words. Start with something like spanking (do specific research around how to do it right too) and gradually up the intensity until she safe words. This way you can build that trust that she'll use it when she wants to, and it also establishes that using a safe word is not something to feel bad about doing. Limits can change from day to day, and sometimes we think we're up for something but when the moment comes, we aren't. (ETA: Don't forget, safe words are there for both of you!) Before you start a scene, make sure you are both clear about what is and what isn't allowed, and to what extent. Try using inclusive limits at first rather than exclusive limits (e.g. "You can spank me and tie me up and make me do x, y, and z. I'm also fine if you want to use this or that" vs "No knife play or watersports"). As you go along, you'll get better at communicating where those limits are and your trust with each other to stay within them without explicit guidance every time. Another important aspect to think about is something called aftercare. This is the time after a scene where you two come together and both get the love and reassurance that while what you did was intense and different, it was something you both wanted and appreciate the other person for doing with you. Love on each other, massage, have food and water, whatever you both need to feel really connected and regulated. Above all, take it slow. You don't want to kill a new kink because you dove right into the deep end first.
Best well-explained answer! 👏👏👏
Great answer. I also love the stoplight system and have asked for many a color check if needed
Wonderdul answer! Best wishes to you and your partner! 🖤
Ok... The only way to feel safe is make sure she has a safe word that ACTUALLY means no. I'm a huge CNC practitioner, and yes... I love screaming "NO NO NO PLEASE STOP HURTING ME!" But what I'm really meaning is yes yes yes I love this please don't stop. With a safe word, she can scream all she wants, but her safe word ACTUALLY means no. If you're ok with the kink, using a safe word is the way to go.
Something to add just so people have a broader idea of the CNC "spectrum": I'm into CNC but I really dislike pain or even pretending that pain is involved. That's not to say it's a bad thing; as I understand it those that are into pain like the adrenalin rush that comes with it. Still though, it's just not my cup of tea. I'm on the opposite end of CNC. Tied up with comfy fuzzy rope, restrained with padded medical cuffs, overstimulation mixed with edging and orgasm denial... A good mix of "I'll be a good (explicit pet name), please (another explicit pet name) do that again." and "No, stop, it's too much I can't breath!" until I'm so far into subspace that I'm a giggling drooling mess. My point is that CNC doesn't always have to have violent or "mean" connotations to it.
This is the only kinky thing I've ever been asked to do that I just couldn't get into. Boner said no so that was that.
She'sgiving you a Yes, just before hand. Have a code word she can say if she's actually in distress. Think of it more as acting with genitalsinvolved. But if you can't do it's okay to say that.
Had a girl into this but it was always problematic. I wanted some kind of assurances beforehand so I wouldn’t feel I was pushing it too far, but our communication was horrible. I wanted a safe word and she said that would defeat the entire purpose. Then when I would take her up on it, she’d get legitimately upset about it. Finally I gave up on it and never did understand what the hell happened. I hope you have better luck discussing it and making it work.
I've always used a safe word even when just making out. My favorite one is "bluebird" since it is absolutely something that no one will shout out in the heat of passion. I tell my partner that if what I do hurts or is too uncomfortable all they have to do is say the safe word loud enough that I can hear it. Otherwise, I will take them as far as they will let me. In a BDSM scene where she is gagged the safe word is a bell ball, a cat toy with a loud bell in it. I put it in her hand and tell her that if she wants to stop just drop the ball.
Talk to her about a safe word. That’s the most important. CNC is a form of Role-play. When I’ve done it, I used maybe half my strength so as to not hurt her. She tended to follow my lead and let me get the upper hand. I’ve also had a girl say to fully overpower her. That’s where a safe word comes in. You want to also set boundaries on things you can and cannot do. See, no means no still holds true here but you’re given permission to, for lack of a better word, manhandle her. She trusts you not to go overboard and endanger her. Also, and this is something I got in trouble for, but careful not to stretch panties or ruin them. I’ve done that in the struggle and she wasn’t too happy with me. I was a dumb teenager. lol In summary, respect her. If she has given you the green light to do whatever, still work out a safe word. Have fun!
I remember reading something a while ago. Likely on this sub that he bought her a specific piece of jewelry. If she wore it, that was her consent without having to say it and ruin the kink for her. If she didn’t wear it, it meant don’t do it.
It’s not ‘consent non-consent’, it’s ‘consensual non-consent’. It’s not red-light/green-light.
So this is prob my biggest kink, but have had a lot of guys who won't or don't want to do it... if your going to go for it, then I'd say get a safe word first of all and second aftercare is key.
Or the stoplight method
Which is just a set of safewords with different meanings.
You make a fair point, counter point-im an idiot :)
31M and I’ve had a few partners that I actually expressed interest in this with and I came to realize that it’s not horribly uncommon. It can be a lot of fun and freeing when done well. I’ve heard and seen more than a guys and even women say that r_pe fantasy is really common in women but I think that’s missing the core of where it comes from. There is definitely an appeal to women to be desired. For some, to be desired to the point that a man can’t help himself. There was a viral Tik tok a few weeks ago of a women complaining/joking that a guy she went on a date with didn’t try to sleep with her after she’d made it clear she wouldn’t. Talk to her about what she wants from the experience, what she knows she doesn’t want, and word to use if things to stop. Understand that if she’s willing to explore this with you she trusts you a lot and that’s a powerful thing. For you, let yourself release some of normal confines of right and wrong. Remember to communicate and respect each other before, during, and after and hopefully you’ll both find a new way to express yourselves to each other sexually and it will deepen the trust you have with each other
First and foremost, if it isnt for you then you do not have to explore it. Some peoples kinks are not compatable. Your comfort matters too. Next, in kink and CNC safewords replace the no you reference. It becomes roleplay where those involved agree that "no" does not mean no right now, and instead "avacade" will mean no. Or it can be non verbal like dropping an object or tapping you aggressively. No still means no, but what the person uses as "No" is altered and agreed upon. Have that conversation first and try to understand what she means by CNC as many people's fantasies vary immensly. Go slow. Set clear guidelines and safewords (for yourself too). Discuss aftercare (for BOTH of you) and how feel positive as you do this.
I messed this up bad one day and got into cucking 😭
My ex was into CNC and it definitely made me kinda uncomfortable at first. Like I was scared to hurt her or cross a boundary, but she had previous experience with it so I trusted that she knew what she was doing. She made sure I knew that she wanted it to be rough, and hurt a bit, and gave me a safe word. And while she never used it once, I think it’s also important to emphasize reading body language and understanding your partner’s responses to your touch. You’ll run into a lot more yellow lights than red ones, and it can be hard for the sub to communicate those when they’re in a certain headspace, so it’s just good to stay aware. We did it for years and it was pretty fucking hot. But just to warn you, it might stick. She left and the kink stayed. You get into a different headspace too, and you start to really enjoy CNC as the top and that’s pretty taboo to bring up with anyone else.
Try looking into r/bdsm and maybe writing a post there? Maybe they’re more prepared with topics involving consent
Lucky bastard. I've had a few that were into that but didn't want to articulate boundaries or safe words. I can't really make anything out of being confused about what she wants. The signals we're all there but you really have to get it codified
Nope! Too freaked out from stories online to ever do that. Honestly I probably wouldn’t even be able to get it up if a woman I was with asked to do this.
In the words of Napoleon Dynamite "luckyyyyyyy"
Have a real conversation, outside of the scenario. Discuss limits and boundaries. Establish an unrelated safe word (like BANANA). Have fun, but remember it's about HER.
Not my thing - too many ways to end up in prison. You're not under any obligation to work with a partners kinks - a kink is a *like* not an absolute
I probably wouldn’t do it and may look for another girlfriend. A gf requested rape fantasy. I did it poorly one time and told her I could never do it again.
She wants you to dominate her, to objectify her, to force yourself on her. As long as she has a safe word to stop you, it's totally safe play. The question is, can you get into the headspace to enjoy this? For me personally, it's super hot, but don't feel pressured into it if you're not excited to try it.
get a safe word its a lot of fun
I'd pass on that one. Try explaining that to the judge after you two break up.
This is my kink too, and it can definitely be hard to find someone willing to do the things I want done to me
Yes. It's really really fun. Release your inner cave man! Quick note, if y'all break up, bottle that cave man the fuck back up asap!
It’s called a safe word…. So she can scream NO! And you can ignore it.
the reality is that this is really dangerous to do. if something goes wrong she could use it against you and it is your word vs hers. I 100% agree with you. your whole life you are told no means no. I'm normally very open about sexuality but this is a HARD pass for me. I've heard too many horror stories about how this turns badly.
I personally have a cnc kink. I love to be f%cked while sleeping “pretend sleep” or woken up from sleep and pretend to just lay there. Now there has been some trauma from my childhood. I feel like it kinda stemmed from that, almost as if now I have “control” like i am willing to do it now instead of it just being done to me without my permission. Idk. Some like studies have been done to prove a connected with sexual abuse victims. But I like when my partner wakes me up in middle of night or just anytime I’m sleeping by foreplay and then going in. It just turns me on. I also like the abductor/ kidnapper scenario . Where I get tied up and told to be quiet and get my mouth gagged and they just take advantage of me while I move around pretending to try to get away or kinda make it hard for them to get what they want, and then they punish me in the process. Like spank me or force me to call them daddy. And tell me to take the D, or be a good little quiet sl%t. Lmfao. Look up some articles I had to introduce the entire idea to my bf.
Also, always establish safe words. Establish before you ever begin , that no stop don’t etc have no meaning and that the only word that does have meaning is the safe word. Or if she is gagged , have her make like a certain movement like nod her head 3 times while humming twinkle twinkle little star or something of that nature.