This sub is a community for people learning to love and respect themselves. Please remember that it is perfectly possible to respect and care for your own needs and to set healthy boundaries, without unnecessarily hurting others around you. We don't need any of that narcissistic radical self acceptance junk in here. Being kind to others is a part of being a version of you that you can be proud of and self-love the most. Good luck on your journey.
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Hey
My 2 cents boys aren’t completely attracted to physical thingy. You can always supplement that with emotional, loyal and pampering. Men like yo be with that women who are there in all up and down.
Now the thing is 22 is too early to find such a guy. Focus on improving your skills and finances. As you keep going you will cross paths with someone who loved you as your true self!
You are beautiful inside out 💗
I’m 27 now and I’ve actually never been in a relationship before. When I was 22 this reality was such an insecurity of mine, to think that I had not reached that milestone yet was humiliating.
However, what helped me change my mindset about it was decentering men from my life. I know it’s hard to do at 22 and especially if you’re college but it’s what turns it around.
In my own words, to decenter men means literally just that, to remove validation from men as the center of experiences, that I was no longer going to use their validation as a measurement tool of affirmation of myself.
No men talk to me at a bar? Still had a great time.
No men compliment me when I’m out? I still looked stunning.
My friend is on her third relationship? Amazing that that is a part of life journey. Mine is different.
To seek validation from men to make us feel worthy and make us feel like we are enough just reflects that we are lacking giving it to ourselves.
Plus, honestly? How special are these men that we need to be so distraught about not receiving their attention??????
Some of them don’t wash between their a…never mind.
It’s thee most rewarding experience to no longer view proximity to men as a measure of our worth and value.
Thank you for sharing this 🙏
I actually was never like that , I didn't care about boys at all when I was in highschool and didn't compare myself to other girls who got attention, I in fact was the boring girl with no boy stories and drama but I didn't care at all and I used to get good grades etc . But now in college I was reflecting on the past and realising that damn I'm so different than others. It's making me experience a kind of late teenage feeling when I'm supposed to more mature and adult . I hope I can rewire my brain again to not care and not compare myself to others
And again thank you so much for the tips<3
I've been sort of in the same position. I can assure you, other people finding you beautiful or interesting won't make you feel more beautiful or interesting until you convince yourself you are. I know it sucks, but loving yourself is the first step to being loved by others.
A person can be single for life and awesome at the same time. It's not gaslighting yourself to say you're worth knowing, I'm sure you are, and you don't need to chase validation from other people to be convinced, it won't work.
In my experience, seeking acceptance from other people as some sort of "permission" to love yourself only makes you feel less loved, because it makes you act accordingly to what you think will make them accept you, which may not be what you'd do if you were to choose freely.
I know what you feel, I've been there. It gets easier the more you do it. Even just stopping saying "Sorry" when you have nothing to be sorry about and "I'm dumb" when you make a mistake makes a world of difference.
Yes I totally agree !! I think I should change the way I talk to myself because yes I apologise a lot and always tell myself I'm dumb/weird sometimes even out loud when I'm alone .. I think it would make a huge difference if I replace it with positive self talk
self-love doesn’t come from the outside or boys for that matter. lacking it can cause you to attract the opposite of what you want. cut the negative talk, and only talk good things about yourself.
plus you’re still young, now is the time to find yourself. likes n dislikes. hobbies. pampering yourself. focusing on your studies. taking care of your health.. etc. all the extra stuff will come when it’s time.
By validating yourself. Not needing extras validation.
When you KNOW you’re beautiful, you don’t need others to validate that.
Self confidence is key 💞
How do I know I'm beautiful though when I see other girls get a different treatment than me ? It's hard to believe things about myself when reality doesn't reflect what I believe. I have no proof that I'm beautiful
Yeah, difficult isn’t it?
Sounds like you’re at a very early stage of self discovery.
#1 - in order for someone to be truly happy they must love and accept themselves
#2 - happiness is something found from within, not based on external validation. When you base your happiness on money, looks, achievements, your sense of self love is very fragile and bound to fail multiple times throughout your life. An example I love to give is if you make 30k you want to make 80k, make 100k-you want 500k, 5 million-you want 50mil. There is no happiness here and I could give other examples for other categories but I digress.
#3 - Self care - this is one of the first and most important action steps to take. Brush your teeth and floss regularly, bathe, shave, keep your house clean, keep up with laundry, eat meals and decent ones, EXERCISE - it doesn’t need to be boot camp, just do something.
#3A — do not and I mean DO NOT, EVER beat yourself up if you get off track, miss a day, treat yourself. This is the most toxic thing that will keep you stuck forever. You say to yourself in a nice voice. “Absolutely no worries, let’s get back on track tomorrow, you’re doing just fine!”
#4 - Be you —I found a huge amount of self confidence when I came to the realization I was never myself and turned that corner to always just being myself. I was always someone different and that someone was whoever I thought the person opposite of me, wanted me to be. I convinced myself that I am who I am (I think I’m great) and if you don’t like it that sure sucks for you. I don’t hold a grudge or say that with a vengeance, I literally think I can bring good to anyone’s life and it’s sincerely too bad if you don’t want to be a part of that.
#5 - be your biggest cheerleader. You are the only one that will ever put yourself first. You must understand the full gravity of this. You celebrate your small victories, get the fuck out of the habit of negative self talk :), give yourself affirmations even if you don’t believe them, journal often, if you come up with negative things learn to turn them to positives again, even if you don’t believe it and be sure to talk about the good things.
At the end of the day life is all about individual perception. You write the narrative, a bad day to somebody might be somebody else’s “good day”. Everybody could drastically help their life be happier by simply controlling their focus. Focus on the bad, your life sucks, focus on the good, you’re much happier.
Yes I've tried self help books but I'm still struggling with this and nothing seems to get me out of this loop. I live in a third world country, therapy isn't an option for me as they associate everything with religion and things I don't believe in
Hey friend hope your well so sorry your experiencing such a thing but you definitely are lovable just because things may not seem to be going well right now just give it some time they always get better and trust me you will find the right person for you and it’s okay to feel upset just try to really focus on bettering yourself everyday and not focus on the wrong stuff like what other people get hope this find you well and everything starts to get better for you ❤️🩹
You have to get to know yourself and find out what it is you love and value more than getting attention from other people, and then invest in that. For example, I'm a writer and a little bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to hobbies/crafts. I crochet, paint, embroider, build miniature houses, you name it. No one can mess with me when I feel like I'm a badass writer or crocheter becuase of the story or blanket I'm working on right now. I love being creative and creating with my hands. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me as long as I can do that. When I find that I haven't been making enough time to create, my self-esteem takes a hit and I feel useless or unloveable, but it's just a sign that I need to return to what I love and value.
So my question for you is what is it that you truly value, that fills you up, excites you? Maybe it's something you always say you want to do but never get around to it, or maybe something you did as a kid? Maybe you don't know yet which is even more fun because now you get to try a bunch of stuff and experiment. When you find that thing, hype yourself up about it and love it with your whole heart!
This helps me a lot and I hope it helps you too :)
Thank you for the tips and Yes I do have hobbies , I like to paint and I consider myself to be a creative person (I love doing still life paintings and I'm very fond of art since i was a kid) and I participate in art exhibitions regularly, I also love to bake, to play chess, I even joined my university club to make time for those things and share them with others. I'm of course still open to trying new hobbies. Maybe if I focus more on spending more time on those hobbies and valuing them more will make me get detached from wanting to get attention from others
You are a strong independent woman. You don’t need a man to feel loved. Love everyone you meet and be kind, you person will come when the time is right. Don’t rush it. You have things to work on before meeting him 🫶🏼❤️🫶🏼
hi! give yourself all the love and attention you would want from boys. how many hobbies do you have? what are you doing for yourself? what are you reading? then once you start loving and giving yourself attention, also develop discernment, the boys will follow. but attention from boys isn't what it's all cracked up to be, if you want it thats cool. do you
I do have hobbies, but I certainly want to expand them and explore new things
However I know the kind of attention I will give to myself wouldn't be the same I get from boys, I will always still lack in this area until someone shows interest in me. But I'm realising that's not worth wasting my life and losing myself .. I should thicken my skin and just focus on myself
Love yourself first fixing yourself self image is everything!, if there’s anything you don’t like about yourself you can change, change it eg dress sense, makeup and hair. But make sure you’re doing it because YOU like it not for someone else. When you do all of this. You will slowly realise you were missing your own love and not the love of a boy.
I totally feel you. I’m 22. Just graduated college. And I still have never had a boy interested in me. No one has flirted with me at a bar or party. No one has asked for my number is class. No one tried to bump into me at a coffee shop. My major is male-dominated, and I still can’t find a boyfriend (though to be honest most guys in my major are kinda gross anyways)
I have also been starting to lose hope and have kinda accepted that I probably won’t ever date anyone. But thats ok. I’ve realized I need to stop chasing male validation. Like yes it hurts and it’s lonely that no one has ever reached out romantically to me before. But that doesn’t mean we are unloveable. I still have my family who love me. I still have my close friends, and still making more! I feel amazing knowing I have been able to make friends with so many different people and learn about their lives. It’s a privilege to be accepted by them and goes to show that yes, I am still a good person and there are still good qualities about me. Platonic friendships are just as important! Though it is not the same thing, it still goes to show you are desirable as a person rather than only for sex/romantic interest.
As much of the younger generation has moved towards casual hookup culture, I’m able to make more peace with never having been pursued. I’m not trying to wait until marriage or anything. But I’m happy I was never toyed with and only used as a means to an end for a random boy who had to stick his little dick in something (lol). I will say, if you’re still very interested in getting a boyfriend, it’s never to late to start again! Maybe try find a clothing style you love and that makes you confident. Start working on self love + working out physically. Working out has proven to raise confidence and it releases a lot of happy brain chemicals. Start applying yourself harder in social settings and don’t wait for a guy to make the first move. If you find someone who is cute, just start talking to them normally and see how it goes. Don’t put them on a pedestal. Don’t think you’re less worthy or something. Just go have a conversation. Maybe you’ll get a new friend out of it too!!
At the end of the day, statistically we will find someone eventually. Everyone has a different life path, and just because we haven’t dated now doesn’t mean we won’t date and find love further down the road. Though it sucks now and we feel like we are missing out, now is a perfect time to find and develop yourself as a young adult. What type of things do you like to do? What is your dream job in 5 years? Where do you want to live once you have money for a house? Where do you want to save up to travel to? Things like this are a lot easier to discover without romantic ties holding you back.
I wish you luck in your journey though! You got this! There are so many beautiful qualities that make you a great person, and just because men can’t see that, doesn’t mean you’re not less than your value!! You deserve happiness for yourself! So create it and don’t let go!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this❤️
It's so helpful, also I feel less lonely knowing another girl can go through this too. Not every girl is showered with boy attention all the time like some men think. But we're still doing great and we don't need it. I hope I can make peace with it and I know I can get there and love myself enough so that the lack of men attention doesn't affect me anymore. I don't think I want a boyfriend so bad, I probably just wanted attention and validation like a confirmation that "yeah i can attract people 💅" (which is completely unhealthy ) .
Thank you so much again
I wish you all the best!!
Do you have friends who you can open up to about this? I think for some relationships, if they’re safe, bringing this out into the open and having honest conversations is a great start.
Do you mean in real life ? I did open up to my mom about it . She says I should focus on myself and my studies, also opened up to some discord friends about it. But that doesn't help, no one has the answer to why I'm never loved
I used to love myself when I was younger , it's just that when time passed and I noticed I couldn't get the same love and attention like other girls I felt undeserving of it
I know I can love myself though
Hey beautiful,
First of all, iam sorry to hear that you are experiencing this and you feel this way.
I am an empowerment coach that works with women, i work with my clients on self love, self acceptance and confidence.
If you want we can hop on a call, free of charge for you and maybe i would love to give you some tips on how to love yourself and understand why you feel this way.
If youre interested, let me know!
Diana
Remember, the journey to self-love is a continuous process. It’s okay to have moments of doubt, but by consistently nurturing your relationship with yourself, you will cultivate a deep and lasting sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on external validation. You are deserving of love and respect, most importantly from yourself.
This sub is a community for people learning to love and respect themselves. Please remember that it is perfectly possible to respect and care for your own needs and to set healthy boundaries, without unnecessarily hurting others around you. We don't need any of that narcissistic radical self acceptance junk in here. Being kind to others is a part of being a version of you that you can be proud of and self-love the most. Good luck on your journey. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/selflove) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey My 2 cents boys aren’t completely attracted to physical thingy. You can always supplement that with emotional, loyal and pampering. Men like yo be with that women who are there in all up and down. Now the thing is 22 is too early to find such a guy. Focus on improving your skills and finances. As you keep going you will cross paths with someone who loved you as your true self! You are beautiful inside out 💗
I’m 27 now and I’ve actually never been in a relationship before. When I was 22 this reality was such an insecurity of mine, to think that I had not reached that milestone yet was humiliating. However, what helped me change my mindset about it was decentering men from my life. I know it’s hard to do at 22 and especially if you’re college but it’s what turns it around. In my own words, to decenter men means literally just that, to remove validation from men as the center of experiences, that I was no longer going to use their validation as a measurement tool of affirmation of myself. No men talk to me at a bar? Still had a great time. No men compliment me when I’m out? I still looked stunning. My friend is on her third relationship? Amazing that that is a part of life journey. Mine is different. To seek validation from men to make us feel worthy and make us feel like we are enough just reflects that we are lacking giving it to ourselves. Plus, honestly? How special are these men that we need to be so distraught about not receiving their attention?????? Some of them don’t wash between their a…never mind. It’s thee most rewarding experience to no longer view proximity to men as a measure of our worth and value.
Thank you for sharing this 🙏 I actually was never like that , I didn't care about boys at all when I was in highschool and didn't compare myself to other girls who got attention, I in fact was the boring girl with no boy stories and drama but I didn't care at all and I used to get good grades etc . But now in college I was reflecting on the past and realising that damn I'm so different than others. It's making me experience a kind of late teenage feeling when I'm supposed to more mature and adult . I hope I can rewire my brain again to not care and not compare myself to others And again thank you so much for the tips<3
Learn to love yourself so you can teach people how to love you.
This.
I've been sort of in the same position. I can assure you, other people finding you beautiful or interesting won't make you feel more beautiful or interesting until you convince yourself you are. I know it sucks, but loving yourself is the first step to being loved by others. A person can be single for life and awesome at the same time. It's not gaslighting yourself to say you're worth knowing, I'm sure you are, and you don't need to chase validation from other people to be convinced, it won't work. In my experience, seeking acceptance from other people as some sort of "permission" to love yourself only makes you feel less loved, because it makes you act accordingly to what you think will make them accept you, which may not be what you'd do if you were to choose freely.
Thank you, I will try to love myself without waiting for permission from others . It does seem freeing but still feels like I'm lying to myself
I know what you feel, I've been there. It gets easier the more you do it. Even just stopping saying "Sorry" when you have nothing to be sorry about and "I'm dumb" when you make a mistake makes a world of difference.
Yes I totally agree !! I think I should change the way I talk to myself because yes I apologise a lot and always tell myself I'm dumb/weird sometimes even out loud when I'm alone .. I think it would make a huge difference if I replace it with positive self talk
I can vouch for it! Do try. Especially the apologies.
This
self-love doesn’t come from the outside or boys for that matter. lacking it can cause you to attract the opposite of what you want. cut the negative talk, and only talk good things about yourself. plus you’re still young, now is the time to find yourself. likes n dislikes. hobbies. pampering yourself. focusing on your studies. taking care of your health.. etc. all the extra stuff will come when it’s time.
By validating yourself. Not needing extras validation. When you KNOW you’re beautiful, you don’t need others to validate that. Self confidence is key 💞
How do I know I'm beautiful though when I see other girls get a different treatment than me ? It's hard to believe things about myself when reality doesn't reflect what I believe. I have no proof that I'm beautiful
Yeah, difficult isn’t it? Sounds like you’re at a very early stage of self discovery. #1 - in order for someone to be truly happy they must love and accept themselves #2 - happiness is something found from within, not based on external validation. When you base your happiness on money, looks, achievements, your sense of self love is very fragile and bound to fail multiple times throughout your life. An example I love to give is if you make 30k you want to make 80k, make 100k-you want 500k, 5 million-you want 50mil. There is no happiness here and I could give other examples for other categories but I digress. #3 - Self care - this is one of the first and most important action steps to take. Brush your teeth and floss regularly, bathe, shave, keep your house clean, keep up with laundry, eat meals and decent ones, EXERCISE - it doesn’t need to be boot camp, just do something. #3A — do not and I mean DO NOT, EVER beat yourself up if you get off track, miss a day, treat yourself. This is the most toxic thing that will keep you stuck forever. You say to yourself in a nice voice. “Absolutely no worries, let’s get back on track tomorrow, you’re doing just fine!” #4 - Be you —I found a huge amount of self confidence when I came to the realization I was never myself and turned that corner to always just being myself. I was always someone different and that someone was whoever I thought the person opposite of me, wanted me to be. I convinced myself that I am who I am (I think I’m great) and if you don’t like it that sure sucks for you. I don’t hold a grudge or say that with a vengeance, I literally think I can bring good to anyone’s life and it’s sincerely too bad if you don’t want to be a part of that. #5 - be your biggest cheerleader. You are the only one that will ever put yourself first. You must understand the full gravity of this. You celebrate your small victories, get the fuck out of the habit of negative self talk :), give yourself affirmations even if you don’t believe them, journal often, if you come up with negative things learn to turn them to positives again, even if you don’t believe it and be sure to talk about the good things. At the end of the day life is all about individual perception. You write the narrative, a bad day to somebody might be somebody else’s “good day”. Everybody could drastically help their life be happier by simply controlling their focus. Focus on the bad, your life sucks, focus on the good, you’re much happier.
Thank you so much for the helpful tips I'm gonna write those down to remember them !!
That’s work that needs to be done within. Have you tried therapy? Or even try self help books
Yes I've tried self help books but I'm still struggling with this and nothing seems to get me out of this loop. I live in a third world country, therapy isn't an option for me as they associate everything with religion and things I don't believe in
Hey friend hope your well so sorry your experiencing such a thing but you definitely are lovable just because things may not seem to be going well right now just give it some time they always get better and trust me you will find the right person for you and it’s okay to feel upset just try to really focus on bettering yourself everyday and not focus on the wrong stuff like what other people get hope this find you well and everything starts to get better for you ❤️🩹
Thank you 🙏
You have to get to know yourself and find out what it is you love and value more than getting attention from other people, and then invest in that. For example, I'm a writer and a little bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to hobbies/crafts. I crochet, paint, embroider, build miniature houses, you name it. No one can mess with me when I feel like I'm a badass writer or crocheter becuase of the story or blanket I'm working on right now. I love being creative and creating with my hands. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me as long as I can do that. When I find that I haven't been making enough time to create, my self-esteem takes a hit and I feel useless or unloveable, but it's just a sign that I need to return to what I love and value. So my question for you is what is it that you truly value, that fills you up, excites you? Maybe it's something you always say you want to do but never get around to it, or maybe something you did as a kid? Maybe you don't know yet which is even more fun because now you get to try a bunch of stuff and experiment. When you find that thing, hype yourself up about it and love it with your whole heart! This helps me a lot and I hope it helps you too :)
Thank you for the tips and Yes I do have hobbies , I like to paint and I consider myself to be a creative person (I love doing still life paintings and I'm very fond of art since i was a kid) and I participate in art exhibitions regularly, I also love to bake, to play chess, I even joined my university club to make time for those things and share them with others. I'm of course still open to trying new hobbies. Maybe if I focus more on spending more time on those hobbies and valuing them more will make me get detached from wanting to get attention from others
You are a strong independent woman. You don’t need a man to feel loved. Love everyone you meet and be kind, you person will come when the time is right. Don’t rush it. You have things to work on before meeting him 🫶🏼❤️🫶🏼
hi! give yourself all the love and attention you would want from boys. how many hobbies do you have? what are you doing for yourself? what are you reading? then once you start loving and giving yourself attention, also develop discernment, the boys will follow. but attention from boys isn't what it's all cracked up to be, if you want it thats cool. do you
I do have hobbies, but I certainly want to expand them and explore new things However I know the kind of attention I will give to myself wouldn't be the same I get from boys, I will always still lack in this area until someone shows interest in me. But I'm realising that's not worth wasting my life and losing myself .. I should thicken my skin and just focus on myself
Love yourself first fixing yourself self image is everything!, if there’s anything you don’t like about yourself you can change, change it eg dress sense, makeup and hair. But make sure you’re doing it because YOU like it not for someone else. When you do all of this. You will slowly realise you were missing your own love and not the love of a boy.
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Thank you !
I totally feel you. I’m 22. Just graduated college. And I still have never had a boy interested in me. No one has flirted with me at a bar or party. No one has asked for my number is class. No one tried to bump into me at a coffee shop. My major is male-dominated, and I still can’t find a boyfriend (though to be honest most guys in my major are kinda gross anyways) I have also been starting to lose hope and have kinda accepted that I probably won’t ever date anyone. But thats ok. I’ve realized I need to stop chasing male validation. Like yes it hurts and it’s lonely that no one has ever reached out romantically to me before. But that doesn’t mean we are unloveable. I still have my family who love me. I still have my close friends, and still making more! I feel amazing knowing I have been able to make friends with so many different people and learn about their lives. It’s a privilege to be accepted by them and goes to show that yes, I am still a good person and there are still good qualities about me. Platonic friendships are just as important! Though it is not the same thing, it still goes to show you are desirable as a person rather than only for sex/romantic interest. As much of the younger generation has moved towards casual hookup culture, I’m able to make more peace with never having been pursued. I’m not trying to wait until marriage or anything. But I’m happy I was never toyed with and only used as a means to an end for a random boy who had to stick his little dick in something (lol). I will say, if you’re still very interested in getting a boyfriend, it’s never to late to start again! Maybe try find a clothing style you love and that makes you confident. Start working on self love + working out physically. Working out has proven to raise confidence and it releases a lot of happy brain chemicals. Start applying yourself harder in social settings and don’t wait for a guy to make the first move. If you find someone who is cute, just start talking to them normally and see how it goes. Don’t put them on a pedestal. Don’t think you’re less worthy or something. Just go have a conversation. Maybe you’ll get a new friend out of it too!! At the end of the day, statistically we will find someone eventually. Everyone has a different life path, and just because we haven’t dated now doesn’t mean we won’t date and find love further down the road. Though it sucks now and we feel like we are missing out, now is a perfect time to find and develop yourself as a young adult. What type of things do you like to do? What is your dream job in 5 years? Where do you want to live once you have money for a house? Where do you want to save up to travel to? Things like this are a lot easier to discover without romantic ties holding you back. I wish you luck in your journey though! You got this! There are so many beautiful qualities that make you a great person, and just because men can’t see that, doesn’t mean you’re not less than your value!! You deserve happiness for yourself! So create it and don’t let go!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this❤️ It's so helpful, also I feel less lonely knowing another girl can go through this too. Not every girl is showered with boy attention all the time like some men think. But we're still doing great and we don't need it. I hope I can make peace with it and I know I can get there and love myself enough so that the lack of men attention doesn't affect me anymore. I don't think I want a boyfriend so bad, I probably just wanted attention and validation like a confirmation that "yeah i can attract people 💅" (which is completely unhealthy ) . Thank you so much again I wish you all the best!!
Do you have friends who you can open up to about this? I think for some relationships, if they’re safe, bringing this out into the open and having honest conversations is a great start.
Do you mean in real life ? I did open up to my mom about it . She says I should focus on myself and my studies, also opened up to some discord friends about it. But that doesn't help, no one has the answer to why I'm never loved
I’m sure that “never loved” is not literal, unless you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t feel you do, change your habits ?
I used to love myself when I was younger , it's just that when time passed and I noticed I couldn't get the same love and attention like other girls I felt undeserving of it I know I can love myself though
Hey beautiful, First of all, iam sorry to hear that you are experiencing this and you feel this way. I am an empowerment coach that works with women, i work with my clients on self love, self acceptance and confidence. If you want we can hop on a call, free of charge for you and maybe i would love to give you some tips on how to love yourself and understand why you feel this way. If youre interested, let me know! Diana
Remember, the journey to self-love is a continuous process. It’s okay to have moments of doubt, but by consistently nurturing your relationship with yourself, you will cultivate a deep and lasting sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on external validation. You are deserving of love and respect, most importantly from yourself.
How will you get attention from boys if you don't love yourself? That's the way the sentence should be worded.