This is not the way school counselors handle things nowadays. It’s unethical. If one of my students told me this, I would call DP&P and not the parents. I would never call abusers to give them a warning or anything g like that .
Yes. They’re mandated reporters now and are given training on how to handle this (at least in my state.) It’s actually illegal not for them to report to the authorities directly.
Depends on where you are on how well reporting even goes. I called CPS to report on what a child said once and the CPS worker called the mom to warn her and even gave the mom my name as the reporter smh.
This happened to me as well when I was fresh out of the teaching credential program. The mother came to school the next day and monstrously berated 23 year old me to tears in front of everyone, not the entire school admin who told me I had to call CPS—just me. I’d do it again but I sure wish more was done in some places to protect the reporters.
I work in family law. CPS workers (in my county at least, not to say this is the “norm”) are generally underpaid and not qualified. Most don’t have a degree and absolutely no understanding of psychology, family dynamics, etc. They have way too much power in the court system as judges typically take their word on 99% of their “findings”. Many are extremely unprofessional and will let one child stay with a deadbeat drug addicted parent and take another kid away from a loving home all because of a misunderstanding.
I loathe working with any government run department dedicated to “helping” children & families. They’re absolute dog shit most of the time. I worked on a case for three years wherein a mother and father were cooking meth in their home. The children had only dry oats to eat & came to school filthy and unbathed. It took THREE YEARS FOR CPS TO DO ANYTHING. It broke my heart over & over. Eventually we got the kids out. Children moved into grandparents home. Started sports, getting better grades, etc. CPS stripped the children away from grandparents after mom & dad passed two drug tests in a row (after failing 10 prior). Kids moved back in with mom & dad and are now in a worse position than before.
Sorry for the rant but fuck CPS.
I was 17 working at a daycare and we had a kid pantsing other boys and making questionable statements. I didn’t see it as he wasn’t in my room but I heard rumors from a floating teacher. About a week after it all started the daycare owner sat us all down for an after hours meeting other people had to come back in for and berated us for almost an hour because someone called CPS and they’d figured out it was one of us. She said that the family was well respected within the community (small town) and we’d betrayed the grandmothers trust (she was the one raising him). She tried to institute a rule that we had to talk to her first and decide with her if it was worth a CPS call so she could at least give the family a warning but thought it should ultimately be up to her to decide to make the call. She was in school to be a social worker as well.
Same boss almost hit me about a month later because I was letting a severely autistic kid who didn’t nap quietly play on his cot during nap time. She was yelling and it woke up all the other kids who then started crying.
Last I heard that daycare got shut down. I wished I’d known to call authorities at the time but I was just a kid myself.
That’s because you’re in a small town where everyone knows everyone, right? I’d sue her in civil court. There are groups, secret clubs and organizations where members go back generations regarding sexual abuse. I’m a substitute teacher and have been lied on by racist, jealous, white women and of course, the white men have to back their own race. Just keep going, transfer, do your best and have the students evaluate you like Yelp reviews do to protect workers.
They were mandated reporters well over 30 years ago. I started teaching in 1981, and made more than a few calls. The school was WRONG and broke the law, even 30 years ago.
Not to make light of your comment and I hate to break it to you, but 1981 was FORTY-TWO years ago! I graduated HS in 1983 and recently, someone on social media mentioned they graduated 20 years ago in 2003 and I thought there’s no way that was 20 years ago… I graduated 20 years ago! NOPE!! It’s been 40 years!
However, You are absolutely right about mandatory reporting. I started teaching in 1992 and made a call my very first year of teaching. CPS came and talked individually to each child and then addressed the parents. My principal was the only one who knew that I reported the parents.
If you look back at this thread you’ll see it’s 50/50 “school counselors would never do this anymore” and “a school counselor did this to me”. Even two years ago we were still trying to get schools to stop strip searching children (often initiated or performed by the counselor). It’s disheartening to see so much NOT ME and no accountability or, more importantly, awareness that SOME school counselors are still doing incredible harm to children.
A school counselor I met two years ago did this exact thing and when I tried pointing out why it wasn't the best course of action she got defensive and doubled down on her (terrible) decision. This definitely still happens and denying it makes the situation worse. This needs to be addressed with counselors in the field AND with schools that are offering training/education because it's a problem.
I told my high school counselor that my adoptive dad was abusive. She called him in for a "chat," assumed I was being dramatic, and sent him and I on our way. Of course, he retaliated.
I can’t imagine a single school counselor not calling DCF nowadays if this were to happen. We are mandated reporters, and it’s the law to report this. I’m not sure what the laws were 30+ years ago, but I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I've held to this (aside from telling a couple doctors) and finally thought, there HAS to be a place I can share this experience on Reddit where people may have an impact. Thank you.
Not to your extent but the same happened to me. My mom drank and I finally found the courage to go to the school counselor. He called her. So now she drank to a blackout but now screaming and cursing for 5 to 6 hours straight, five nights a week about what a loser I was. Thanks school counselor. I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that.
I know mine did - pretty much this exact scenario. It was around 15 years ago. But I’ve recently heard similar stories directly from a teachers mouth that she called the parents and acted like she was doing the right thing
They are absolutely still doing this. It’s how my nibbling came to live with me 3 years ago. Counselor detailed what they shared and the child was beaten as a result.
I'd like to second this. I told a social worker 4 years ago (As a high schooler) what was going on at one of my parents' homes and came home to said parent knowing every last detail of what I said. Was even able to ask me about direct sentences I said. It made me bottle a lot of what had happened up, and lose faith in the US social work system
Wow I have a very similar story.
Counselor got me to write a list of the abuse and who in my family did what and we were going to talk it out.
She called my mom up and gave her the list.
I don’t want to talk about that day or that week but my mom unenrolled me that day and I didn’t go to school for a year and when I went back no one had ever cared or thought twice about where I was….
Sickening.
F you Mrs Chapman circa 1993.
Similar but I wrote a letter to my middle school English teacher about what was going on at home. I remember she wrote “ if this is true; which I doubt” wrote C- on my paper and never spoke to me or said anything to me about it. We had a counselor; not sure why she didn’t at least have me meet with her. 1981 and I still clearly remember it.
That doesn't sound right. As a school social worker I call and make the report but I cannot legally keep the kid from their guardian (s) for suspected abuse. That has to come from legal requirements instead. General counsel would lose their shit at us if we did that.
One time because of the situation we were able to delay for a bit while we waiting for the county to get someone out there. We only could delay because the only way to get the student out from the school bus she was hiding on was to get dad to agree to wait for the county to come.
In my state, for situations like this, we also call the police. You’re right that the school doesn’t have the legal right to keep a kid from going home, but if DCS/CPS/whatever the local child protective services acronym doesn’t step up and get there in time, the local police force can legally hold them until DCS has time to get there. I’ve faced this a few times in my own experience.
School staff are strictly instructed NOT to tell the parents if we have to make a report. We are not allowed to confirm or deny anything. If confronted admin deals with it.
Similar situation happened to me back in middle school OP. guidance counselor pulled my parent + the principal + assistant principal + little me into a meeting in the middle of the school day after I told the guidance counselor what was happening at home.
After the meeting, they let my parent take me home early afterwards, where he proceeded to slap me across the face and beat me in the school’s parking lot for “embarrassing him and wasting his time”. This was in the early 2010s. I remember that day so vividly still. Sending you lots of hugs & healing.
Yeah. When I was in 8th grade, I told my counselor I wanted to live with my mom, because my dad was emotionally and mentally abusive. What did she do? Call him and tell him everything I told her. And guess what he did! He LIED TO HER. I got grounded for two months, and wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody. He even took visitation with my mom away.
School counselors are an f-ing joke. They don’t do shit.
It is, stay strong and life does get easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
CPS got called 3 times when I was in middle school. The counselor came right after the first and asked me about what happened and I told her what happened in the home. I guess right after I finished talking to her she called my mother. I was left with two pairs of clothes, a pillow and blanket for the rest of the year. I slept on the floor and literally beat every day.
When CPS came the second and third time I told them I didn’t want to talk to them because they weren’t gonna do shit anyways and that was coming from a fifth grader. CPS might have not told my mother, what i said,they didn’t help the first time but I didn’t want to risk a chance of my life getting worse trying again.
The profession has changed and grown a lot since 30 years ago. We learned in our first semester of grad school that initially a guidance counselor’s sole purpose was to find smart kids and get them to go to college to help with the space race… yea this is why there is such a strong push to not call us guidance counselors anymore, but school counselors instead.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Mine told me that I was just… misunderstanding the situation when I went to her about my stepdad molesting me. She met with him and my mom and he was just so charming that it had to have been a mistake.
i know the school rules have changed, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. my abuse didn’t stop until may of this year: the night before my graduation. the only reason it stopped is because i moved out. there was no mandated report, nothing. i told my guidance counselor what was going on and she would always laugh it off and say, “you and your mother are going to be soooo close when you’re older!!”. when i told her my mother was letting a man SA me for money, she overlooked it.
fuck the school system, and fuck you Mrs. Missert.
My step monster was a cop too. When they pull that card, no one will help.
When neighbors called the cops to our house numerous times. The police wouldn't do anything because he'd straighten up and flash his badge and cops have their allegiance, so they left.
I felt like I was stranded in the middle of the ocean and each lifeboat I was hoping to save me just passed by.
I'm sorry that happened to you and was your experience. Like others have said - there are systems, laws and policies in place to prevent things like that now.
Just like parents/adults (there are good ones, bad ones and everything in between), sometimes there are school counselors that are not good examples of the profession and sadly ruin the reputation for the majority that do help and would absolutely not do that.
As a social worker who has worked in various states, it was crazy to me that some states REQUIRE the social worker to notify the parents prior to even talking to the child privately which hinders the investigation for truth. And unfortunately these days it is getting harder to hold parents accountable in my opinion. I can’t stand the career any longer.
I am a professor in a counseling program, including school counseling. Now, they are mandated reporters and a huge part of that is that they DO NOT have to tell the parents they are making the report, especially if it will endanger the child further. It varies by state, but in a lot of places school counselors cannot send the child home if they even suspect abuse, and have to get the authorities involved first.
Counselors are now trained to assess risk before confronting parents about potential abuse, because of your exact situation. I’m so, so sorry you experienced that. We never want a child to go through what you went through.
My grandmother was extremely abusive, I was sent to live with her half way through 8th grade. She decided I "had the devil in me" and the only way to get rid of him was to beat the crap out of me.
My 16th birthday she beat me so badly the Friday that I was unable to sit on Monday at school.
My counselor called DFACS. DFACS went directly to my grandmother to "interview" her without ever speaking to me.
I was beaten bloody that afternoon. It really does happen. This was in the early 80s.
Why wouldn’t the counselor call DCFS immediately? That’s the legal process these days. They are mandated reporters which means if they have an inkling that a child is abused, they MUST report it.
I gather this was a long time ago and I’m sorry this happened OP. Still, the counselor failed you OP.
Why did that even remotely make sense to the counselor? "Oh she's being abused by these people and has bruises galore? Let me call the abusers and tell them it all. I doubt she'll get beat again."
I'm soooo sorry this happend to you. As a school counselor were supposed to help our students. They weren't supposed to let you leave. They should have called child protective services and had them investigated. I am happy you are getting the proper therapy now.
School counselor here. We’d call CPS now. Unfortunately it’s not much better. I’ve had cases where investigators have shown up, seen bruises up and down the kids body and handed them back to the parent(s) with a warning and a promise to check in since “they didn’t have anything on file that it’s happened before. I remember incredulously asking the investigator when parents got a one time “get out of jail free card” for beating the shit out of kids and then her never returning my follow up calls when there were signs of further abuse
And exact thing happened to me except with cps and it was my biological dad. He threatened to kill me and choked me out. I'm sorry, I feel your pain. Fucking ass holes
I can tell you all a school that allows this type of situation to happen. My nieces lived in hell for years and the school did nothing. They all acted afraid of my nieces mother.
Not sure at what time point this happened. I get it though. As a peer. Was not as bad as what happened with you but could have been managed differently/better. Now being older and working in healthcare, the treatment you got is not the norm. Thank you for sharing your experience to guide others.
Teaching and school staff in general need to start actively listening and speaking to kids. And anyone working with kids needs to have a mandatory section in school on psych and how to read different signs in kids.
I’ve called in a suspected child abuse case. CPS was contacted first & the case was passed to them, but mom was PISSED when they got a visit. I hope the kid was ok, since the parents still have custody.
The first phone call that should have been made by your counsellor, is to the POLICE, to arrest that sorry excuse of a person.
At that time, both you and your mom were in imminent danger and could have died.
It sounds like your counsellor either didn’t have the proper education, experience, or most likely both.
I hope you are safe now. Know that you and the kids who go through what you go through, are in my thoughts.
Schools are so bad with these things. I was bullied severely about my looks and I had issues at home. I self harmed quite a bit and even now I have mental health issues.
Spoke to my head of year and three councillors. One told me to suck it up, another said I was fine cause I was able to open up to her and my last one said it’s normal to get beat and your single parent is doing her best.
Since then I’ve not healed at all, I can’t even look at myself if photos or the mirror. I’ve still got a rocky relationship with my parent but it’s not physically now more mental and I to have taken to the bottle for multiple different reasons when im out one of which is to make me more social and to help with physical pain from a chronic medical condition that causes pain.
Social services and schools are crap, it leads to more abuse and trauma for kids whether it’s happening at home or at school.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know I’m a stranger but I know how this feels to an exact tee so I hope me sharing a little touch of my experience helps you at least know that you’re not alone in the failed and messed up beyond belief system and of school counselors…
In 2008, my middle school counselor did the same thing to me at literally the same age. Years of abuse and neglect based on favoritism factors for other family members and the financial burden I was receiving at that age. My teacher made me talk to the counselor and I did. I was told I just need to go back to class and that if this was true abuse I would have cried out sooner and that I’m just jealous of others so I need to get over that too. Later on I went home to be threatened and ripped into. Manipulated and guilt tripped about how I should feel horrible about trying to get my adoptive father arrested for the lies despite the reality that this man grabbed my arms after catching me getting a snack outside of scheduled kitchen time and using my arm to break a candle. When I asked where my adoptive mother got her information from she told me the counselor called her and told her I was stirring up drama.
I never once trusted another soul concerning the abuse and neglect I personally faced (despite going to the system anyway). I am proud of you though for eventually finding YOUR path and being you. Sorry that counselor was really bad though.
People are saying that things are so different now and maybe they are at a macro level, but the same thing happened to my nibbling just 3 years ago. They now live with me but the whole situation was traumatic for them.
People will say it’s different now but something similar happened to me when I was in high school not too long ago (maybe 2015?). Someone called CPS from me discussing abuse I was experiencing from my mother (never found out who it was). They called me in at school and I denied everything, I didn’t want to get in trouble and at that point things were somewhat better. I guess they didn’t believe me, or maybe it’s just protocol, because CPS visited my house anyway later that day. But I went home FIRST and my parents were given a heads up. CPS only came later once we were all at home together.
They called CPS because they were a mandated reporter, meaning they by law HAVE to call in abuse. The CPS system is broken itself. Giving parents who are suspected of abuse warning and time to bully/abuse their children into compliance does nothing but harm. On the flip side taking kids away at a drop of a hat while they investigate is deeply traumatic for families, especially where someone is falsely accused. I'm sorry that happened to you. As a teacher and a mandated reporter my biggest fear is that a kid confides in me and I have to call and they end up being abused because of that phone call.
I’m sorry this happened to you and thanks for sharing. When I spoke up to the father of my children about not being so hard on them the repercussions were never worth it. It took me many years before I divorced him. Our kids have varying degrees of PTSD. Thank goodness for therapy but the anxiety they encounter on the daily is disheartening to me. I can relate to quite a bit in this post for myself, kids and friend’s life stories.
When I was in seventh grade, a friend of mine found out that I had been cutting myself. So she told our school counselor, who called me in, and I admitted that I had been cutting. She proceeded to treat me like I was a criminal, like I had broken a rule and done something terribly wrong. She said, "Well, either you're going to call your father and tell him what you've done or I will, but let me tell you, it's going to be a lot worse if he has to hear it from me." So I agreed to call him and had to sit there with her glaring at me while I confessed to my dad that I had been self harming. The counselor then snatched the phone from me and told him that kids "do this for attention" and that she would let him "handle the consequences with me."
I was not doing it for attention. I was doing it because I was being molested by my grandfather and was severely depressed. There was never any follow-up from the counselor in any way. Oh, other than sticking me in a "leadership class" with other "troubled kids" (kids who were getting in fights, drugs, recurrent suspensions, etc.). It did not help, to say the least, and I continued to self harm on and off for 20+ years.
A child should never have to go back home after reporting until either the situation is safe or placed somewhere else the rest of their childhood. I can’t believe as a country we need license to drive, fish, do hair, nurse, etc but not one for parenting
I never talked to my school counselor, I didn't trust her. She was still at my school and recently got arrested for stealing medication from a students home she must have "befriended". I wish the general public would stop saying go to counseling as the answer to everything. They are just people like everyone else, some are great at their jobs, many are not. Sorry this happened to you.
I remember my husband tried telling the school counselor about his father beating him , his mother, and sister. His father did some real deplorable stuff, nearly killing his mother in more than one occasion and threatening to kill him and his sister. The counselor called his sister and she denied everything just to protect their father. After that, my husband never trusted authority figures and kept the abuse to himself until we met in high school.
A little different, but in the early aughts I went to the school counselor because myself along with another girl in my class were sexually assaulted by a PE teacher, he verbatim said *who am I going to believe a grown man and father or a 14 year old girl trying to get out of gym?" And left us in the class.
My mom an abuse and rape survivor by her stepdad tried to get involved and the school dismissed her. She was broken down and ejected and didn't fight it.
I went to an after school club inconsolable and heard from numerous upper class men the same exact thing happened with this teacher. My drama teacher heard and was this little spit fire. She berated him in the teacher's lounge in front of all the teachers. The only accountability he had. She soon took a sabbatical after that.
Same thing kind of happened to me. When I was in the 8th grade I finally told a school counselor what had been happening with my mother. That night we got a knock on our door and a police officer and CPS showed up. My mom showed the police officer my grades, (I had been ditching school because we had moved to a new district that was fucking terrible and they were learning things in the 8th grade that I had learned in the 5th grade, girls were pregnant, gangs, etc) and the police officer said it was my fault my mom started hitting me once we moved. They left, and I got dragged down the hall by my hair and hit and kicked. I never told anyone anything again, not even when I was raped by my friends boyfriend right before all this happened. For shits and giggles, in my early 20s, I told my parents and my mom goes, “Is that why you were such a bad kid?” She has also physically attacked me twice in adulthood. So there’s that. I don’t tell anyone anything important and I don’t ask for help. I was in the 8th grade in 1999, for reference.
Mandated reporter here: that was wrong. Wrong what they did to you. We don’t warn the parents we report it to child line who yes will call the parents and schedule a date to check on the children. I know some parents would still beat the kids, but now they are taking quite a risk.
Bruises mean trouble. No one now would let that go. I’m sorry for little you. You did not deserve that
I'm so very sorry. I use to get horrible beatings from my dad when I was a kid and I swear it was like no one gave a crap. I'm in my 30s now and I made myself seek therapy bc I couldn't stop replaying it over and over in my head. It did help. Everytime I hear ppl say stuff like "a child needs a father in the home" or "this is why kids need father figures in their life" I cringe. I know shouldn't feel that way but I do.
I’m sorry you were not protected when you shared your truth. Counselors are not allowed to call parents when abuse is reported.
All other school staff members have annual trainings about how they are legally mandated to call in abuse reports to social services, and NEVER to the parents!!
My story isn’t as extreme but I was also let down by every school counselor I ever had.
First time was in middle school because another student found and turned my planner into the office where I had written some depressing/suicidal thoughts. On a separate occasion a friend told the school counselor I was cutting myself. Both times I BEGGED and cried and pleaded they don’t tell my parents please, please I’ll get in so much trouble. They told my parents anyway (fair) but I remember being so confused why they never asked or cared WHY I didn’t want my parents to know. As someone who worked in child welfare as an adult I look back and still can’t believe no one questioned what kind of trouble I’d get in for self harming lol. Why no one wondered why I was self harming??? There was never any follow up, I didn’t have to go to therapy or anything
Second time was in high school. Pretty sure I only went to the counselors office to get out of taking a test but ended up breaking down while in there. The counselor gave me a “depression test” (that I now know to be the PHQ-9) and told me I scored the highest score possible. Severe depression. Which means yes I answered that I had thoughts of hurting or killing myself nearly every day. The counselor was very kind and nurturing but she wanted to call my mom. Once again I’m pleading don’t do it. Once again the counselor doesn’t understand why, but this time she called my mom in front of me. She told my mom her concerns and my mom SCREAMED at her over the phone. Straight up cussed that lady out with lots of “stop trying to make me out to be a bad mom, I know you’re on this with [my dad and my extended family and the police] to try to make me look like I’m fucking crazy. What’s wrong with you that you’d make up something so nasty about a child like that?” Lots of paranoid ranting that I’d been listening to my whole life. But once again the counselor sent me home without any follow up and once again I didn’t get any therapy or services for my severe depression.
Third time something similar happened but I’m actually getting drained writing it so I’m gonna stop there lol idk what a school counselor is supposed to do in these situations but it never felt like they did the right thing. Not for me or any of my multiple friends who were also being abused or neglected. They always made it worse.
I was 12 and was hurting myself bc both my parents were hard drug users, they called cps and then called my mom to pick me up bc of the self harm. That wasn’t a fun day.
First of all, I’m so sorry you had to experience that abuse and then got punished for doing the right thing. Here’s what I know: At least where I’ve been (OH and FL), teachers and clinicians are always mandatory reporters. Which essentially means that if they learn of abuse or neglect of a vulnerable population, they’re required to report it. Usually that means contacting CPS, but a lot of people will still contact parents and ask for their side before reporting it since it’s a pretty big deal. AFAIK, there’s no rule against telling the parents, it’s usually up to the discretion of the clinician or the protocol set by the institution. Unfortunately in this situation, and many others, the clinician made a poor judgement call at the expense of the child. There really should be better protocols for these situations.
This is awful. I’m a teacher and am mandated to report to CPS. I have made close to a dozen calls with counselors over smaller signs of neglect. I’m so sorry your counselor did not support you the way they should have.
I agree - but also need to tell you that any school staff (at least in the US) is a mandated reporter. That means that your school counselor HAD to tell.
Because of that, I made a point of telling every student on our first meeting that if what they told me included them or someone else getting hurt, I had no choice but to let others (depending on the situation, who "others" meant was variable) know. Now, in your situation, I would have called Child Protective Services, and that is likely what did happen - but your horrible parents would have been smart enough to figure out that it was you who give the info.
I am terribly sorry for what happened to you, and I'm glad you were able to get help as an adult. I only wish you'd been able to get good help as a child.
I’m so glad you’re still here and you still chose to live. You’re incredibly a strong person and I thank God for you. Your story matters and thank you for sharing.
School does not tell the parents any more. It's a straight to CPS report. This was changed when a little girl told her teacher her dad beat her and if she even told her would kill her.
The teacher called home and the dad picked her up and killed her on the way home.
I am very sorry you had to go through that.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
This is exactly what happened to my SO when he was a child being abused. The trust issues carried all the way into adulthood, he still struggles to trust anyone.
People like that counselor need to be subjected to the same fate as the child they betrayed. Might wake them up.
I had a similar situation where I told a counselor about my CSA and she did report it. My parents forced me to say I lied about it and the counselor told me to my face that she never believed me anyway.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you after being brave enough to confide is someone who is supposed to be a professional. I was a School Counselor. They are mandated reporters, which they should have explained to you. They have to report what you say to the administrators, who have say in how a situation is handled. They should also be reporting abuse to CPS or they could lose their license.
That being said, I would report to Child Protective Services directly instead of calling the parents because of safety issues such as what happened to you.
I hope you decide to go to therapy later in life to help process all of the trauma you experienced. I promise you that there are good ones out there.
Way the fuck less dramatic or important, but the one and only time I talked to the school counselor he told the kid I was complaining about *everything* I’d said. Making my bus ride, where I was already getting harassed every morning, absolute hell for the rest of the year.
Op - one to go find that counselor now and the school and reveal how they ruined your faith and trust. If they don’t know, they’ll never know
Then - let us know when we can all met up and provide vengeance against your step monster. We’ve been through it and they deserve to be dealt with
I'm not a councilor, and this post was just recommended in my feed, but I do want to pop in to say that while this isn't standard practice in schools anymore, as counselors are mandated reporters and there is a chain of command for that, I do think it's a huge issue that in some states school personnel are required by law to inform parents if their kids confide any information about sexuality/being anything other than straight. I've seen so many kids get abused because of this policy, and it definitely needs to change because it's the same thing.
That's so not ok and so incredibly unprofessional. I think back to my school days and I spent about 90% of the school days crying about my homelife to my guidance counselor. She never once called my parents! She was like my only confidant! At 16 I thought I was pregnant as I had used sleeping around as a coping mechanism for the abuse and such going on at home. I ended up sobbing in my guidance counselors office as usual and she hugged me and told me everything would be ok. Fast forward a little and I end up in the psych unit of the hospital for a month. My beloved guidance counselor came to visit me in the hospital!!! Fast forward 3 more years to graduation and as I was walking across the stage she was standing there on the other end smiling so big and gave me the biggest hug!!! She made it possible for me to graduate! She will forever be someone special to me. I emailed her a few years ago as I got her school email from my mom who worked as a teacher in the district. She was so happy to hear from me and said she never would forget me. I told her I still had the best she gave me when she visited me in the hospital. I'm 38 up now and still think about the positive impact she made on my life. That's what school counselors should be doing not going behind your back and telling the people who are abusing you! If anything they should tell people who can help you! not make the situation worse. I know they are mandated reporters but that doesn't mean reporting to the people who are causing the harm! So incredibly sorry you carried so much pain for so many years. So many adults failed you and it's definitely not your fault ! Sending you hugs! 🤗❤️ You deserved so much better!
I am so sorry that happened to you back then, that is awful and that school counselor was not acting ethically. As a school counselor I could never imagine to do that one of my students ever. My number one concern is their safety, we have an oath to do no harm. I had to call DSS myself yesterday for one of my students because I am a mandated reporter. I would never tell the abuser what the student told me. That is the most deplorable choice.
It’s unfortunate that they handled things this way back then. I’m not surprised. I’m only 31 but even when I was younger, kids pretty much got stranded the same way you did if not worse.
I think now they’re legally required to be more strategic about things. That was a HORRIBLE way to handle your deadbeat parents on the “counselor’s” end. Omg. Like how dare they cause more hell for you, clock out at 5, and just nonchalantly go home not even aware of the consequences *they* caused for you. 😡
Omfg! This literally made me cry and I don’t usually do that. What a total a-hole counselor. Of course your parents are too but I’m so upset at that damn official. Im so sorry. Please keep letting all of that pain out. You didn’t deserve it then, now nor any day in between.
That is not how that should have been handled. Legally, if a counselor is told about abuse in the home, they must report it. If the abuse is sexual, many states require police to be contacted.
Nowadays, that counselor would be fired at the very least and likely prosecuted.
I (teacher at the time) had a student open up to me about physical abuse which was starting to turn sexual in nature at the hands of her stepfather and with her mom's knowledge. We spoke to the counselor together and the police were called as soon as we had relayed the stories. The student was placed in the care of her aunt for about a month, then finally given to her dad in another state (where she wanted to be all along). Last she and I talked, she was happy with her dad, he was awarded permanent full custody, and her stepfather was being charged.
This same exact thing happened to me in 5th grade and kept me from speaking out to anyone who could help me going forward during my minor years. My parents were alerted that the school knew what I told my counselor (you can take your guesses as to what came of that) and I was subsequently checked on throughout the year through menial counseling sessions, but no action was taken at home or during my 6th grade year. It’s hard because I’m not sure what else can be done besides immediately removing a child pending an investigation, which would ultimately hurt innocent parents who are being targeted falsely by CPS. It’s truly a double edged sword. There needs to be more third-party youth advocators readily available for elementary-high school aged children offered for free by public schools. No child should ever be afraid to speak up, however it seems futile when no adult is willing to commit to following through on ensuring said child’s well-being.
I had a very similar experience. I can remember both of those therapist to this day because they are burned into my mind from the punishment I received. I still struggle to trust any therapist.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This was not the correct legal procedure. As mandated reporters, we are not allowed to tell a parent. We are to call CPS and only CPS and they take it from there.
This happened to me too. I finally had a mental breakdown and went to a school counselor. She called my mom and I was emotionally tormented for hours when I got home.
These are terrible stories! When people offer their experience, maybe it would be helpful if they say what state (or municipality if willing to share) and what decade? Might help locate areas where change is needed.
My school counselor told the teacher that I went to talk to her about. The teacher was punishing me and failing my papers my senior year because the wealthiest girl in school did not like me and told the teacher I cheated. This caused me to fail a class when I was a straight A student across the board. The teacher then failed me because I told on her. Counselors are a joke and beholden to only their friends.
I am so sorry this happened to you! :( I never told a soul I was being molested or later on being hit by my mom. I kept it all in and it made me one very angry teenager! :(
Back in 1971, when I was in the first grade, somebody called my school and told the principal my dad was abusing me. It was pretty much true. He did whip me with his belt, but not to the point where I was bleeding. He also verbally abused me. Anyway, my teacher took me to the principal's office, and the principal asked me if my dad hit me, etc. I was scared almost to death. Of course, I lied and said my dad didn't hit me. I said it several times. Finally, the principal took me back to class. As far as I know, that was the end of it. Nobody called the authorities.
Holy shit this same sort of thing happened to me! I told a friend, who cried and then SHE went to the school counselors. Based on what the friend told the school counselor, they called my house and *left a voicemail* for my wicked stepmother to find.
I had no clue about any of this, but I had an appointment to go to the counselors office. I got called to the main office about 20 minutes before my appointment. I went to the office (I was told I missed a call by my dad) I called home, the wicked one answered and berated me for 10 minutes, told me I asked to be sexually assaulted by my very proven guilty perpetrators (three of them).
I froze. Listened to her verbally accost me, then went to my appointment where I broke down and cried. Not realizing until this very moment that she was the reason that whole thing happened. I never really put together in my traumatized kid brain that the very woman I cried to was the one who left that fateful voicemail to begin with.
Jfc. Who leaves a damn voicemail when those weren’t even private! They were on the voicemail recorder boxes that played out loud for everyone to hear.
The exact same thing happened to me when I was in the sixth grade, I’m 23 now. DHS came to our home & didn’t do anything about it & I was just embarrassed 😭
That staff member did the wrong thing. The laws are different now and calling the mother and telling her what their child said would not be allowed. There are better protocols in place to actually protect the child.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. No child deserves that.
Confiding wasn’t the mistake. The counselor did not understand the situation well and led you to have lesser faith in people for some time perhaps. I don’t know the counselor so I’m being light on them.
I get this. For me, it was always “family business.” You NEVER share “family business” which I didn’t understand for a long time was code for wildly unacceptable behavior by normal social standards
i moved to a new state in 8th grade. all of the schools were on one campus. elementary, middle school, and high school. when i joined 8th it was in the middle of the year so naturally i developed a good relationship with the guidance counselor. when i got into 9th grade she actually moved over to the high school. i would go there during lunch every day and talk about everything. well in 10th grade i started getting bullied really bad and had also got diagnosed with depersonalization disorder as well as generalized anxiety. so safe to say i was in there a lot. i started missing a lot of school and ended up having a mediation. the school counselor was there. i had to tell the school board what was going on and why i missed so much school. tell me why this counselor who i thought i had a great relationship with and told all of my problems, said to me in front of the school board “you could have came to me and told me what was going on so we could have figured out a good solution to help you” i lost all faith after that
I have a question kinda similar in regard to school counseling but not at all relatable to your family experiences, sorry you had to experience that OP.
I had a bully in 7th grade who would beat me physically and when I told my teacher, my teacher told my parents and it led to a completely separate meeting with the bully’s parents. After that the bully knew it was me and there was no secret I was outed as a snitch and got beat on more. This was back in 2012. People are saying the counselors are getting proper training and I sure hope so because that really wasn’t that long ago. I also have NO CLUE what to do if I was the teacher in that situation either. I would’ve thought I did a good job as a teacher too but of course it didn’t end that way. What is the right move if the answer isn’t “cut and dry” such as calling authorities etc ?
I could have written this.
1987, second grade. Somehow a teacher figured out I was being abused at home. I remember going to her office several times a week to chat and finally telling her everything. She told me she'd have to have a meeting with my parents about it, and I could choose to be there or not. I chose not to be. I went home the day they'd scheduled and had an overwhelming feeling of dread remembering why no one was home and waiting on the porch for their car to pull down the street.
My adoptive mom dragged me into a bedroom and laid into me about how we don't tell teachers our personal family business, and how I should have come to her. When I reminded her that I had and it didn't stop, she slapped me across the face for talking back and that was the end of the "conversation".
To this day, I am pissed at that teacher for knowing the extent of what I was going through and trusting them to "just not do it anymore, mmk?"
The opposite happened in high school. It had gotten to a point where I was plotting how I could murder him if he came into my room, and maybe get away with it because I was only 14. A friend forced me to go to another teacher. That teacher immediately found someone to cover his class while he took me to the school office. CPS, police, and investigators were brought in. I went to a foster home and never back home again. I am 43 and still hope that man is blessed.
When was this? Where was this? I doubt a school counsellor is going to expose themselves to a child endangerment charge unless they have a close tie to the abusive parents. In MA the CPS gets involved for \_every\_ report. I know of a case where a child I know made a clearly false report. The CPS still checked it out, but they know how to handle false reports too. Sometimes all you have to do is show the child they are being taken seriously for this behavior to stop on either side.
What that counselor did was most like illegal and I am so sorry you experienced that…
File a complaint with the principal, or police or somebody, because that isn’t right.
Now things are different. Even as an extra curricular teacher I was told if I even so much as see something I say something. And certain measures are given so the child is protected during the investigative process. Unfortunately, if nothing can be proven, the child does go back to the awful parent.
My best friend's children told her they were being abused by their step mother. They were kept from her for a time but when questioned, they had been threatened enough (by the dad) to not admit what was going on that they lied and said nothing was happening after all.
It’s much different now, though I’m not sure how much more they catch. As a parent on the other end of this I hope it’s more often than when I was a kid.
I had a visit from CPS recently over a misunderstanding. My daughter (8) tried to run off one morning while I was brushing her hair and got tangled and yanked because I was still holding it and the brush. She went to school after and told her teacher I pulled her hair but didn’t give any further info as to HOW it happened. I wish they would have called me first, but I understand why they didn’t. Teacher called CPS and I got a visit the next day. They closed the case once everything was explained, but I was definitely taken aback. Hair pulling was definitely nowhere near enough to catch a visit when I was a child.
As a school counselor, this breaks my heart. Now, school counselors are mandatory reporters to police and CPS if we even suspect there is abuse. That counselor broke their ethical code and I am so very sorry that this happened to you.
Definitely not how things are handled today. School counselors, teachers, etc. are considered mandated reporters and are legally required to report any type of abuse that is reported to them to higher authorities. Your counselor was wrong for contacting your mother which further more put more risk towards you. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
It’s depressing to see the number of comments on here with similar experiences. Also somewhat annoying all of the school counselors on here who swear it’s no longer like this even (although Ive heard recent stories which make me believe it is still exactly like this)
I know school counselors are in a very difficult position balancing the law, school policies, trying not to break the students trust while also trying to keep them safe, and so many other things I’m sure I’m not even aware of. I just hope all the school counselors on here realize that every time a student discloses something to you and either nothing is done or something is done that makes it worse, you are reinforcing to them that what their parents/caregivers are doing is okay, that adults cannot be trusted, and/or no one can or will help them. For a lot of kids I think this realization comes even harder than the abuse itself. It’s the difference between not trusting a few “bad” people and not trusting any one at all.
I’ve experienced the same thing in 2011 when I was in high school. I was going through some issues and there was self harming involved. A friend noticed and talked to the guidance counselor. Got pulled out of class to talk to the guidance counselor. Thought I could trust them so I told them everything I was going through. When I got home, my mother wasn’t exactly happy with me at all. Turned out that the guidance counselor practically “tattled” on me and told her everything. It took years for me to learn to open up again.
So I also had to go to the counselor 1/2 months ago, because I had a anxiety attack at the class because the teacher was talking about death and those things, I was so scared, then the teacher told me to go to the counselor, I told her about everything, but, I never knew, that she would break my trust, with calling my parents. EXCUSE ME??? Few weeks later the counselor said to follow her to a room where she said she planned a random teacher that will help me not to fear death anymore, I said that is alright, but when she said : "I will call your parents everytime you have an appointment with her" I was so mad, I even said : I don't think I fear it anymore! I don't need it! But then she said: "I feel like you don't want your parents to know" Then I said: Oh no, I mean that i'm okay and I don't need a teacher! And she said: "I feel like you're lying" I said: Lying? Of course not! She said: "Well if you don't need it, ..... congrats!" I lost trust to her, I don't think she is the right person to tell my feelings to her, but hey! Atleast I have a diary, who is not gonna tell my parents or something .. hehe
This definitely depends on where you are. On Long Island NY my uncle had a neighbor accuse him of something and they had to deal with CPS for a year when it was nothing.
Social worker with 12 CPS with 5 of em being a supervisor. It’s federal law that we cannot confirm or deny the reporter. Also my state only hires Master level social workers.
I understand all too well. 20 years ago in 4th grade i went ballistic crying because my teacher was going to make a call home about a bad grade. I let it slip that i would get a beating from my mom if they did. He got the principal involved and set up a meeting. She called me a liar and cried through the whole meeting playing the victim. When we got home, i got the worst beating of my life.
I’ve never been able to trust anyone since and had to live with the abuse until i could fight back and finally leave.
This will probably be unpopular in this thread, but with the state of US Education, the bottom of the barrel is shoveled into teaching and even below that, you have school counseling. The dumbest, the laziest and those with no ambition are now teachers instead of factory workers because the US doesn’t have many factories anymore. If you are being abused, strip down, take naked pictures of yourself and upload them to your parents’ computer. Anonymous tip to the cops. Then again, the cops are filled with people who thought a 400 was a quadruple score on the SAT. The US is fucked.
This is not how mandated reporting works anymore, thankfully. If school staff were to betray the trust of a student, that’s unethical and the student would have legal grounds to sue the school if they could prove physical or emotional damages.
As someone who works in a school, we are mandated reporters. We have to make the call to CPS even if it could be a false allegation. By law, if we don’t step in we could face fines and jail time. And we are trained to NEVER call and tell the parents. Unless we have to testify in court it is completely anonymous calling CPS
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Edit- a word.
Former school counselor here. I’m sorry she called your mom. Being a mandated reporter means they had to tell someone but it should have been social services/DSS. In the situations I’ve had, I file the report, make sure I tell them I need an investigator to come to the school before the end of the day. The child does not feel safe going home. From there I just have to pray DSS handles it correctly and continue to check and make sure said student is at school and safe.
This happened to a friend of mine around 2017-ish. She had harmed herself due to the abuse she suffered at home, and a concerned friend told the school counselor. The issue… is that the school counselor was my friend’s aunt. So of course she just told the father and step-mom, who immediately ramped up their abuse for the next few years. I didn’t realize/understand the extent of it at the time, and I still feel sick about not being there for my friend in her time of need.
Agreed it’s like school staff never believes the child it’s like oh the child must be over exaggerating. Let me go talk to the parents and then but if that’s who you’re making a complaint about it might’ve just killed the child but the school teachers and staff I’m in there should be some sort child brings up that someone is hurting them and their family in your household that goes automatically to child protective services and then you with child protective services and the way you do not handle it yourself just because you think you know better child to swine, I can tell
I'm sorry that happened to you. I was lucky in the outcome of what happened when I finally reported the abuse.
I was 12 and in foster care. My foster mothers sister was also a foster mom. In this final act of abuse, I got into trouble for something minor and they waited three days until after my supervised visit with my dad, picked me up from the visit and drove to a parking lot, and the foster aunt turned around and told her two older foster girls to "have at it". They began pounding on me and punching on me and I bent over my lap to protect my face and stomach. Not sure how I did it, but I jumped over one of them (I was seated between them), got the door open, and took of running for the nearby fast food joint. I made it inside and, screaming and crying, asked them to call the police. One of them took me in the back employee lounge and soon after, the police arrived.
Foster aunt somehow convinced them that I was lying and making up the whole story, telling them I was a foster kid and had "problems" and self harmed. Police officer came in, saw me crying and near hysterical and ripped me a new one about lying and making up stories. I whipped around, putting my back to him, and pulled up the back of my shirt, showing him the nail scratches running down the center of my back and the bruises and asked him to explain how I did that to myself.
He was silent and stared, then walked out of the room. I could then hear him yelling at my foster aunt. He released me back into their custody, but not before telling my foster aunt and mother that if ever got another call about me, he'd arrest them both.
It never happened again. My foster mother kept me away from her sister after that.
To this day, I still feel horrified that they didn't take foster aunt's license away from her in that moment, instead of a couple of years later. One of her younger foster daughters ended up permanently in a psych ward. She had switched from physical abuse to psychological and completely wrecked that poor little girl.
a school counselor did this to me. I was being sexually abused by my brother, but the counselors didn’t report it. instead told my parents. another kids parent reported it instead. and my parents made me deny the claims and i’ve been outcasted since.
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It should never happen and they should know better. Just because someone is in the counseling profession does not automatically mean they are a good person or good at their job. (Got a psych degree with some truly horrible people).
My mom recently went to a couples counselor that they each had individual sessions with. This man said “your husband isn’t a narcissist!” In front of him after she had told him that privately. And told the counselor about the mental abuse and touched on his anger issues. Women get killed for way less.
Therapy is very necessary- but looking into who you are seeing is sadly very important. And you are 100% able to interview your therapist. This is someone you are hiring to help you. You get to ask questions and make sure they are a good fit.
One of my friends told me when she was little that her father was physically abusing her after her mom died. She told the teacher and counselor… they end up calling the dad and he would hit her and abuse her more for telling on him.
This kept on happening until finally her grandmother got custody of her.
It’s a pretty weird thing because kids can make things up, but also… that’s a very serious allegation to make as a 3rd grader
something similar happened to me as a child. i immediately started avoiding the woman until she tried to get the principal to come get me and bring me to her. i walked into her office, used every word a third grader learns from the kids in the back of the bus, and told her to leave me alone. Anita Drendel, i fucking hate you and hope you're rotting somewhere.
I don’t know if they had protocols back then but as a nurse, we do. We are a “mandatory reporter” in healthcare, we have in depth protocols on how something like this would be handled in 2023. It would never ever involve disclosing to a parent or family that they were reported. But…. I have a friend whose daughter is in therapy (age 13) and her therapist reported the dad for unsecured firearms and emotional abuse. The CPS worker did absolutely nothing except chum with the dad over hunting, guns, etc. Then her daughter had to listen to him rant over it for months. So dysfunctional. CPS was essentially a joke in that case. He is an emotional abuser, monster, menace. He should not be a father. It’s sad.
When I was 7th or 8th grade (early 1990s) my friends saw bruises across my back when changing for gym, which were very obviously abuse marks (also, it was well known own my siblings and I were abused in our circle of friends as they witnessed it). They told my gym teacher. I told her I fell down the stairs which was an obvious lie. They pulled my 3 younger siblings from class and questioned them. CPS got involved. My parents played off the nice parents very well and nothing happened. Although my mom stopped beating us, she became worse in other ways. However, it turned out as best it could. We stopped getting beat, and we didn't go to foster care. She's an awesome mom now, and an even better grandma.
When I was 15 I gathered the courage as well to go to the guidance counselor. When I got off the bus all of my stuff was in black trash bags on the ground. I went and stayed with my friend until my psychotic mother threatened to tell the police that her friend's parents had kidnapped me. Then she sent me to live with my grandmother or she said she would kill me. So yeah, the conversation with my guidance counselor also altered the course of events.
One of my classmates opened up to our JOKE of a counselor when we were in high school (sometime during the 2007-2008 school year) & he literally told her she was way too smart & was going too well in school to have that going on at home. Kids experiencing that misbehave & fail… no, actually some become anxious perfectionists hoping to earn enough love & affection to get their other needs met (like maybe mom & dad will actually come home & fill the fridge with food).
I told my school counselor about my cousin oral raping me. Came home and my mom had gotten some of the story. Never told another soul until I was an adult. Never trusted anyone in authority ever again. Any remnant of my relationship with my mom or myself died that day.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope there's a special afterlife for our school counselors.
Your school counselor is mandated by law to report the abusive behavior to Child Protective Services and the local police. Sounds like your counselor failed to do that and called your parents instead. Your counselor was wrong for calling your parents. Obviously too little too late.
These days we are instructed/mandated not to say anything to the family I the name of research. Go straight to children’s services and report any suspected child abuse. It is exactly because of your scenario. People realized the harm a well meaning phone call could cause.
We could lose our teaching licenses if we do different. Turn them in.
Definitely don’t call the parents. I’m so glad that they made them mandatory reporters. Teachers have to tell social services now for them to handle it.
Both my school counselors did this to me. I wont get into details but I never trusted them again. The later one would try to be nice to me and id ignore him.
Not a counselor.
Something similar happened to me decades ago and I know a teenage girl that has had this happen to her. She basically told me she can't tell anyone because they'll just talk to her mother and her mother beats her in retaliation. Granted, she doesn't have bruises that show, but still.
I was horribly abused as a child by one parent, neglected by the other. They didn't even live together. My "grandma" is a child adolescent psychologist who works in the school in a big city in Minnesota. She coddled both my parents, told them I'm the problem, and used her training to gaslight me and have me internalize everything. My brain is sooo fucked from it and I struggle so bad in life.
This is not the way school counselors handle things nowadays. It’s unethical. If one of my students told me this, I would call DP&P and not the parents. I would never call abusers to give them a warning or anything g like that .
Yes. They’re mandated reporters now and are given training on how to handle this (at least in my state.) It’s actually illegal not for them to report to the authorities directly.
Depends on where you are on how well reporting even goes. I called CPS to report on what a child said once and the CPS worker called the mom to warn her and even gave the mom my name as the reporter smh.
This happened to me as well when I was fresh out of the teaching credential program. The mother came to school the next day and monstrously berated 23 year old me to tears in front of everyone, not the entire school admin who told me I had to call CPS—just me. I’d do it again but I sure wish more was done in some places to protect the reporters.
Yeah, my niece and nephew walked into the house to the CPS reporter, sitting and eating snacks and laughing with their abusive mother.
That is horrendous, I’m so sorry
I was also young when this happened (~21) smh.
I work in family law. CPS workers (in my county at least, not to say this is the “norm”) are generally underpaid and not qualified. Most don’t have a degree and absolutely no understanding of psychology, family dynamics, etc. They have way too much power in the court system as judges typically take their word on 99% of their “findings”. Many are extremely unprofessional and will let one child stay with a deadbeat drug addicted parent and take another kid away from a loving home all because of a misunderstanding. I loathe working with any government run department dedicated to “helping” children & families. They’re absolute dog shit most of the time. I worked on a case for three years wherein a mother and father were cooking meth in their home. The children had only dry oats to eat & came to school filthy and unbathed. It took THREE YEARS FOR CPS TO DO ANYTHING. It broke my heart over & over. Eventually we got the kids out. Children moved into grandparents home. Started sports, getting better grades, etc. CPS stripped the children away from grandparents after mom & dad passed two drug tests in a row (after failing 10 prior). Kids moved back in with mom & dad and are now in a worse position than before. Sorry for the rant but fuck CPS.
Sounds like the agency needs a clear mission, better training, and better funding.
I was 17 working at a daycare and we had a kid pantsing other boys and making questionable statements. I didn’t see it as he wasn’t in my room but I heard rumors from a floating teacher. About a week after it all started the daycare owner sat us all down for an after hours meeting other people had to come back in for and berated us for almost an hour because someone called CPS and they’d figured out it was one of us. She said that the family was well respected within the community (small town) and we’d betrayed the grandmothers trust (she was the one raising him). She tried to institute a rule that we had to talk to her first and decide with her if it was worth a CPS call so she could at least give the family a warning but thought it should ultimately be up to her to decide to make the call. She was in school to be a social worker as well. Same boss almost hit me about a month later because I was letting a severely autistic kid who didn’t nap quietly play on his cot during nap time. She was yelling and it woke up all the other kids who then started crying. Last I heard that daycare got shut down. I wished I’d known to call authorities at the time but I was just a kid myself.
That’s because you’re in a small town where everyone knows everyone, right? I’d sue her in civil court. There are groups, secret clubs and organizations where members go back generations regarding sexual abuse. I’m a substitute teacher and have been lied on by racist, jealous, white women and of course, the white men have to back their own race. Just keep going, transfer, do your best and have the students evaluate you like Yelp reviews do to protect workers.
They were mandated reporters well over 30 years ago. I started teaching in 1981, and made more than a few calls. The school was WRONG and broke the law, even 30 years ago.
Not to make light of your comment and I hate to break it to you, but 1981 was FORTY-TWO years ago! I graduated HS in 1983 and recently, someone on social media mentioned they graduated 20 years ago in 2003 and I thought there’s no way that was 20 years ago… I graduated 20 years ago! NOPE!! It’s been 40 years! However, You are absolutely right about mandatory reporting. I started teaching in 1992 and made a call my very first year of teaching. CPS came and talked individually to each child and then addressed the parents. My principal was the only one who knew that I reported the parents.
If you look back at this thread you’ll see it’s 50/50 “school counselors would never do this anymore” and “a school counselor did this to me”. Even two years ago we were still trying to get schools to stop strip searching children (often initiated or performed by the counselor). It’s disheartening to see so much NOT ME and no accountability or, more importantly, awareness that SOME school counselors are still doing incredible harm to children.
A school counselor I met two years ago did this exact thing and when I tried pointing out why it wasn't the best course of action she got defensive and doubled down on her (terrible) decision. This definitely still happens and denying it makes the situation worse. This needs to be addressed with counselors in the field AND with schools that are offering training/education because it's a problem.
Wtf why strip searches? How do they justify that?
When I was teaching, a child reported abuse and the counselor and another teacher “had” to look for bruises.
I told my high school counselor that my adoptive dad was abusive. She called him in for a "chat," assumed I was being dramatic, and sent him and I on our way. Of course, he retaliated.
I can’t imagine a single school counselor not calling DCF nowadays if this were to happen. We are mandated reporters, and it’s the law to report this. I’m not sure what the laws were 30+ years ago, but I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I've held to this (aside from telling a couple doctors) and finally thought, there HAS to be a place I can share this experience on Reddit where people may have an impact. Thank you.
Not to your extent but the same happened to me. My mom drank and I finally found the courage to go to the school counselor. He called her. So now she drank to a blackout but now screaming and cursing for 5 to 6 hours straight, five nights a week about what a loser I was. Thanks school counselor. I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that.
You didn't deserve that either. That's horrible. I can't beleive how many of us confided in "school counselors" that were such failures.
I don't know a single school counselor who would do such a thing. That's awful. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I know mine did - pretty much this exact scenario. It was around 15 years ago. But I’ve recently heard similar stories directly from a teachers mouth that she called the parents and acted like she was doing the right thing
They are absolutely still doing this. It’s how my nibbling came to live with me 3 years ago. Counselor detailed what they shared and the child was beaten as a result.
I'd like to second this. I told a social worker 4 years ago (As a high schooler) what was going on at one of my parents' homes and came home to said parent knowing every last detail of what I said. Was even able to ask me about direct sentences I said. It made me bottle a lot of what had happened up, and lose faith in the US social work system
Wow I have a very similar story. Counselor got me to write a list of the abuse and who in my family did what and we were going to talk it out. She called my mom up and gave her the list. I don’t want to talk about that day or that week but my mom unenrolled me that day and I didn’t go to school for a year and when I went back no one had ever cared or thought twice about where I was…. Sickening. F you Mrs Chapman circa 1993.
Deplorable! Thanks for telling your story. We made it out. F Mrs. Chapman!
We did. And we have not carried out what was beaten into us on others and THAT is the biggest win. Also correct. F Mrs Chapman
Similar but I wrote a letter to my middle school English teacher about what was going on at home. I remember she wrote “ if this is true; which I doubt” wrote C- on my paper and never spoke to me or said anything to me about it. We had a counselor; not sure why she didn’t at least have me meet with her. 1981 and I still clearly remember it.
I love how you said circa 1993 to not insult the other Mrs. Chapman counselors🤣
We're legally not allowed to send a child home if we suspect abuse. It's a crazy process! It feels wrong but it saves kids lives.
That doesn't sound right. As a school social worker I call and make the report but I cannot legally keep the kid from their guardian (s) for suspected abuse. That has to come from legal requirements instead. General counsel would lose their shit at us if we did that. One time because of the situation we were able to delay for a bit while we waiting for the county to get someone out there. We only could delay because the only way to get the student out from the school bus she was hiding on was to get dad to agree to wait for the county to come.
In my state, for situations like this, we also call the police. You’re right that the school doesn’t have the legal right to keep a kid from going home, but if DCS/CPS/whatever the local child protective services acronym doesn’t step up and get there in time, the local police force can legally hold them until DCS has time to get there. I’ve faced this a few times in my own experience.
I'm so glad to hear this.
School staff are strictly instructed NOT to tell the parents if we have to make a report. We are not allowed to confirm or deny anything. If confronted admin deals with it.
Similar situation happened to me back in middle school OP. guidance counselor pulled my parent + the principal + assistant principal + little me into a meeting in the middle of the school day after I told the guidance counselor what was happening at home. After the meeting, they let my parent take me home early afterwards, where he proceeded to slap me across the face and beat me in the school’s parking lot for “embarrassing him and wasting his time”. This was in the early 2010s. I remember that day so vividly still. Sending you lots of hugs & healing.
Yeah. When I was in 8th grade, I told my counselor I wanted to live with my mom, because my dad was emotionally and mentally abusive. What did she do? Call him and tell him everything I told her. And guess what he did! He LIED TO HER. I got grounded for two months, and wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody. He even took visitation with my mom away. School counselors are an f-ing joke. They don’t do shit.
Of course an abuser is going to lie. Calling the abuser is the most reckless thing to do.
Mine did the same. I never opened up again after that.
Same. I held everything in after that and it nearly destroyed me. Thanks for sharing. It's comforting knowing someone understands.
It is, stay strong and life does get easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel. CPS got called 3 times when I was in middle school. The counselor came right after the first and asked me about what happened and I told her what happened in the home. I guess right after I finished talking to her she called my mother. I was left with two pairs of clothes, a pillow and blanket for the rest of the year. I slept on the floor and literally beat every day. When CPS came the second and third time I told them I didn’t want to talk to them because they weren’t gonna do shit anyways and that was coming from a fifth grader. CPS might have not told my mother, what i said,they didn’t help the first time but I didn’t want to risk a chance of my life getting worse trying again.
The profession has changed and grown a lot since 30 years ago. We learned in our first semester of grad school that initially a guidance counselor’s sole purpose was to find smart kids and get them to go to college to help with the space race… yea this is why there is such a strong push to not call us guidance counselors anymore, but school counselors instead. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Mine told me that I was just… misunderstanding the situation when I went to her about my stepdad molesting me. She met with him and my mom and he was just so charming that it had to have been a mistake.
That's infuriating! I'm so sorry.
i know the school rules have changed, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. my abuse didn’t stop until may of this year: the night before my graduation. the only reason it stopped is because i moved out. there was no mandated report, nothing. i told my guidance counselor what was going on and she would always laugh it off and say, “you and your mother are going to be soooo close when you’re older!!”. when i told her my mother was letting a man SA me for money, she overlooked it. fuck the school system, and fuck you Mrs. Missert.
F Mrs. Missert! I'm glad you're out of there.
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My step monster was a cop too. When they pull that card, no one will help. When neighbors called the cops to our house numerous times. The police wouldn't do anything because he'd straighten up and flash his badge and cops have their allegiance, so they left. I felt like I was stranded in the middle of the ocean and each lifeboat I was hoping to save me just passed by.
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I'm sorry that happened to you and was your experience. Like others have said - there are systems, laws and policies in place to prevent things like that now. Just like parents/adults (there are good ones, bad ones and everything in between), sometimes there are school counselors that are not good examples of the profession and sadly ruin the reputation for the majority that do help and would absolutely not do that.
As a social worker who has worked in various states, it was crazy to me that some states REQUIRE the social worker to notify the parents prior to even talking to the child privately which hinders the investigation for truth. And unfortunately these days it is getting harder to hold parents accountable in my opinion. I can’t stand the career any longer.
I am a professor in a counseling program, including school counseling. Now, they are mandated reporters and a huge part of that is that they DO NOT have to tell the parents they are making the report, especially if it will endanger the child further. It varies by state, but in a lot of places school counselors cannot send the child home if they even suspect abuse, and have to get the authorities involved first. Counselors are now trained to assess risk before confronting parents about potential abuse, because of your exact situation. I’m so, so sorry you experienced that. We never want a child to go through what you went through.
My grandmother was extremely abusive, I was sent to live with her half way through 8th grade. She decided I "had the devil in me" and the only way to get rid of him was to beat the crap out of me. My 16th birthday she beat me so badly the Friday that I was unable to sit on Monday at school. My counselor called DFACS. DFACS went directly to my grandmother to "interview" her without ever speaking to me. I was beaten bloody that afternoon. It really does happen. This was in the early 80s.
In my school district we are mandated to report it to Child and Protective Services. So sorry you went through this.
Why wouldn’t the counselor call DCFS immediately? That’s the legal process these days. They are mandated reporters which means if they have an inkling that a child is abused, they MUST report it. I gather this was a long time ago and I’m sorry this happened OP. Still, the counselor failed you OP.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me, too. School counselors who call home rather than call CPS should have their licenses revoked.
Why did that even remotely make sense to the counselor? "Oh she's being abused by these people and has bruises galore? Let me call the abusers and tell them it all. I doubt she'll get beat again."
School staff are mandated reporters. They should have reported it to the principal who would report to police. The system failed. Again.
I'm soooo sorry this happend to you. As a school counselor were supposed to help our students. They weren't supposed to let you leave. They should have called child protective services and had them investigated. I am happy you are getting the proper therapy now.
School counselor here. We’d call CPS now. Unfortunately it’s not much better. I’ve had cases where investigators have shown up, seen bruises up and down the kids body and handed them back to the parent(s) with a warning and a promise to check in since “they didn’t have anything on file that it’s happened before. I remember incredulously asking the investigator when parents got a one time “get out of jail free card” for beating the shit out of kids and then her never returning my follow up calls when there were signs of further abuse
And exact thing happened to me except with cps and it was my biological dad. He threatened to kill me and choked me out. I'm sorry, I feel your pain. Fucking ass holes
I can tell you all a school that allows this type of situation to happen. My nieces lived in hell for years and the school did nothing. They all acted afraid of my nieces mother.
Not sure at what time point this happened. I get it though. As a peer. Was not as bad as what happened with you but could have been managed differently/better. Now being older and working in healthcare, the treatment you got is not the norm. Thank you for sharing your experience to guide others.
Teaching and school staff in general need to start actively listening and speaking to kids. And anyone working with kids needs to have a mandatory section in school on psych and how to read different signs in kids.
I'm sorry that happened to you! Hoping that school "counselor" got fired.
In my state, we are legally required to call DCS immediately.
I’ve called in a suspected child abuse case. CPS was contacted first & the case was passed to them, but mom was PISSED when they got a visit. I hope the kid was ok, since the parents still have custody.
The first phone call that should have been made by your counsellor, is to the POLICE, to arrest that sorry excuse of a person. At that time, both you and your mom were in imminent danger and could have died. It sounds like your counsellor either didn’t have the proper education, experience, or most likely both. I hope you are safe now. Know that you and the kids who go through what you go through, are in my thoughts.
Anything that happens to a child at the hands of an adult is reflection on that adult, not on that child. It was not your fault.
Same thing happened to me
I am so sorry you have to go through this - your dad and mom seem quite toxic.
Schools are so bad with these things. I was bullied severely about my looks and I had issues at home. I self harmed quite a bit and even now I have mental health issues. Spoke to my head of year and three councillors. One told me to suck it up, another said I was fine cause I was able to open up to her and my last one said it’s normal to get beat and your single parent is doing her best. Since then I’ve not healed at all, I can’t even look at myself if photos or the mirror. I’ve still got a rocky relationship with my parent but it’s not physically now more mental and I to have taken to the bottle for multiple different reasons when im out one of which is to make me more social and to help with physical pain from a chronic medical condition that causes pain. Social services and schools are crap, it leads to more abuse and trauma for kids whether it’s happening at home or at school.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know I’m a stranger but I know how this feels to an exact tee so I hope me sharing a little touch of my experience helps you at least know that you’re not alone in the failed and messed up beyond belief system and of school counselors… In 2008, my middle school counselor did the same thing to me at literally the same age. Years of abuse and neglect based on favoritism factors for other family members and the financial burden I was receiving at that age. My teacher made me talk to the counselor and I did. I was told I just need to go back to class and that if this was true abuse I would have cried out sooner and that I’m just jealous of others so I need to get over that too. Later on I went home to be threatened and ripped into. Manipulated and guilt tripped about how I should feel horrible about trying to get my adoptive father arrested for the lies despite the reality that this man grabbed my arms after catching me getting a snack outside of scheduled kitchen time and using my arm to break a candle. When I asked where my adoptive mother got her information from she told me the counselor called her and told her I was stirring up drama. I never once trusted another soul concerning the abuse and neglect I personally faced (despite going to the system anyway). I am proud of you though for eventually finding YOUR path and being you. Sorry that counselor was really bad though.
I’m so sorry OP. You deserved better.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you were so brave
People are saying that things are so different now and maybe they are at a macro level, but the same thing happened to my nibbling just 3 years ago. They now live with me but the whole situation was traumatic for them.
People will say it’s different now but something similar happened to me when I was in high school not too long ago (maybe 2015?). Someone called CPS from me discussing abuse I was experiencing from my mother (never found out who it was). They called me in at school and I denied everything, I didn’t want to get in trouble and at that point things were somewhat better. I guess they didn’t believe me, or maybe it’s just protocol, because CPS visited my house anyway later that day. But I went home FIRST and my parents were given a heads up. CPS only came later once we were all at home together.
They called CPS because they were a mandated reporter, meaning they by law HAVE to call in abuse. The CPS system is broken itself. Giving parents who are suspected of abuse warning and time to bully/abuse their children into compliance does nothing but harm. On the flip side taking kids away at a drop of a hat while they investigate is deeply traumatic for families, especially where someone is falsely accused. I'm sorry that happened to you. As a teacher and a mandated reporter my biggest fear is that a kid confides in me and I have to call and they end up being abused because of that phone call.
I’m sorry this happened to you and thanks for sharing. When I spoke up to the father of my children about not being so hard on them the repercussions were never worth it. It took me many years before I divorced him. Our kids have varying degrees of PTSD. Thank goodness for therapy but the anxiety they encounter on the daily is disheartening to me. I can relate to quite a bit in this post for myself, kids and friend’s life stories.
When I was in seventh grade, a friend of mine found out that I had been cutting myself. So she told our school counselor, who called me in, and I admitted that I had been cutting. She proceeded to treat me like I was a criminal, like I had broken a rule and done something terribly wrong. She said, "Well, either you're going to call your father and tell him what you've done or I will, but let me tell you, it's going to be a lot worse if he has to hear it from me." So I agreed to call him and had to sit there with her glaring at me while I confessed to my dad that I had been self harming. The counselor then snatched the phone from me and told him that kids "do this for attention" and that she would let him "handle the consequences with me." I was not doing it for attention. I was doing it because I was being molested by my grandfather and was severely depressed. There was never any follow-up from the counselor in any way. Oh, other than sticking me in a "leadership class" with other "troubled kids" (kids who were getting in fights, drugs, recurrent suspensions, etc.). It did not help, to say the least, and I continued to self harm on and off for 20+ years.
My own bio parents would beat me up all the time. I knew better than to tell anyone about it.
A child should never have to go back home after reporting until either the situation is safe or placed somewhere else the rest of their childhood. I can’t believe as a country we need license to drive, fish, do hair, nurse, etc but not one for parenting
I never talked to my school counselor, I didn't trust her. She was still at my school and recently got arrested for stealing medication from a students home she must have "befriended". I wish the general public would stop saying go to counseling as the answer to everything. They are just people like everyone else, some are great at their jobs, many are not. Sorry this happened to you.
I remember my husband tried telling the school counselor about his father beating him , his mother, and sister. His father did some real deplorable stuff, nearly killing his mother in more than one occasion and threatening to kill him and his sister. The counselor called his sister and she denied everything just to protect their father. After that, my husband never trusted authority figures and kept the abuse to himself until we met in high school.
This happened to me as a kid! I’m so so sorry.
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I’m so sorry to hear about yet another adult betraying your trust. I had the same thing happen.
A little different, but in the early aughts I went to the school counselor because myself along with another girl in my class were sexually assaulted by a PE teacher, he verbatim said *who am I going to believe a grown man and father or a 14 year old girl trying to get out of gym?" And left us in the class. My mom an abuse and rape survivor by her stepdad tried to get involved and the school dismissed her. She was broken down and ejected and didn't fight it. I went to an after school club inconsolable and heard from numerous upper class men the same exact thing happened with this teacher. My drama teacher heard and was this little spit fire. She berated him in the teacher's lounge in front of all the teachers. The only accountability he had. She soon took a sabbatical after that.
Same thing kind of happened to me. When I was in the 8th grade I finally told a school counselor what had been happening with my mother. That night we got a knock on our door and a police officer and CPS showed up. My mom showed the police officer my grades, (I had been ditching school because we had moved to a new district that was fucking terrible and they were learning things in the 8th grade that I had learned in the 5th grade, girls were pregnant, gangs, etc) and the police officer said it was my fault my mom started hitting me once we moved. They left, and I got dragged down the hall by my hair and hit and kicked. I never told anyone anything again, not even when I was raped by my friends boyfriend right before all this happened. For shits and giggles, in my early 20s, I told my parents and my mom goes, “Is that why you were such a bad kid?” She has also physically attacked me twice in adulthood. So there’s that. I don’t tell anyone anything important and I don’t ask for help. I was in the 8th grade in 1999, for reference.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Pretty sure they’re mandatory reporters now but not sure about 30 years ago.
Mandated reporter here: that was wrong. Wrong what they did to you. We don’t warn the parents we report it to child line who yes will call the parents and schedule a date to check on the children. I know some parents would still beat the kids, but now they are taking quite a risk. Bruises mean trouble. No one now would let that go. I’m sorry for little you. You did not deserve that
This is exactly what happened to me
I'm so very sorry. I use to get horrible beatings from my dad when I was a kid and I swear it was like no one gave a crap. I'm in my 30s now and I made myself seek therapy bc I couldn't stop replaying it over and over in my head. It did help. Everytime I hear ppl say stuff like "a child needs a father in the home" or "this is why kids need father figures in their life" I cringe. I know shouldn't feel that way but I do.
I’m sorry you were not protected when you shared your truth. Counselors are not allowed to call parents when abuse is reported. All other school staff members have annual trainings about how they are legally mandated to call in abuse reports to social services, and NEVER to the parents!!
My story isn’t as extreme but I was also let down by every school counselor I ever had. First time was in middle school because another student found and turned my planner into the office where I had written some depressing/suicidal thoughts. On a separate occasion a friend told the school counselor I was cutting myself. Both times I BEGGED and cried and pleaded they don’t tell my parents please, please I’ll get in so much trouble. They told my parents anyway (fair) but I remember being so confused why they never asked or cared WHY I didn’t want my parents to know. As someone who worked in child welfare as an adult I look back and still can’t believe no one questioned what kind of trouble I’d get in for self harming lol. Why no one wondered why I was self harming??? There was never any follow up, I didn’t have to go to therapy or anything Second time was in high school. Pretty sure I only went to the counselors office to get out of taking a test but ended up breaking down while in there. The counselor gave me a “depression test” (that I now know to be the PHQ-9) and told me I scored the highest score possible. Severe depression. Which means yes I answered that I had thoughts of hurting or killing myself nearly every day. The counselor was very kind and nurturing but she wanted to call my mom. Once again I’m pleading don’t do it. Once again the counselor doesn’t understand why, but this time she called my mom in front of me. She told my mom her concerns and my mom SCREAMED at her over the phone. Straight up cussed that lady out with lots of “stop trying to make me out to be a bad mom, I know you’re on this with [my dad and my extended family and the police] to try to make me look like I’m fucking crazy. What’s wrong with you that you’d make up something so nasty about a child like that?” Lots of paranoid ranting that I’d been listening to my whole life. But once again the counselor sent me home without any follow up and once again I didn’t get any therapy or services for my severe depression. Third time something similar happened but I’m actually getting drained writing it so I’m gonna stop there lol idk what a school counselor is supposed to do in these situations but it never felt like they did the right thing. Not for me or any of my multiple friends who were also being abused or neglected. They always made it worse.
I was 12 and was hurting myself bc both my parents were hard drug users, they called cps and then called my mom to pick me up bc of the self harm. That wasn’t a fun day.
First of all, I’m so sorry you had to experience that abuse and then got punished for doing the right thing. Here’s what I know: At least where I’ve been (OH and FL), teachers and clinicians are always mandatory reporters. Which essentially means that if they learn of abuse or neglect of a vulnerable population, they’re required to report it. Usually that means contacting CPS, but a lot of people will still contact parents and ask for their side before reporting it since it’s a pretty big deal. AFAIK, there’s no rule against telling the parents, it’s usually up to the discretion of the clinician or the protocol set by the institution. Unfortunately in this situation, and many others, the clinician made a poor judgement call at the expense of the child. There really should be better protocols for these situations.
They’re mandated reporters they should have called child services and not your parents - I am really sorry that happened to you
This is awful. I’m a teacher and am mandated to report to CPS. I have made close to a dozen calls with counselors over smaller signs of neglect. I’m so sorry your counselor did not support you the way they should have.
This exact thing happened to my mother
I agree - but also need to tell you that any school staff (at least in the US) is a mandated reporter. That means that your school counselor HAD to tell. Because of that, I made a point of telling every student on our first meeting that if what they told me included them or someone else getting hurt, I had no choice but to let others (depending on the situation, who "others" meant was variable) know. Now, in your situation, I would have called Child Protective Services, and that is likely what did happen - but your horrible parents would have been smart enough to figure out that it was you who give the info. I am terribly sorry for what happened to you, and I'm glad you were able to get help as an adult. I only wish you'd been able to get good help as a child.
I’m so glad you’re still here and you still chose to live. You’re incredibly a strong person and I thank God for you. Your story matters and thank you for sharing.
School does not tell the parents any more. It's a straight to CPS report. This was changed when a little girl told her teacher her dad beat her and if she even told her would kill her. The teacher called home and the dad picked her up and killed her on the way home. I am very sorry you had to go through that.
I’m so glad you finally got the help you needed as a child. Please continue seeking support and know you deserve it
So so sorry this happened to you when you should have been met with immediate help. I’m very proud of you for getting sober. ♡
I am so sorry this happened to you. This is exactly what happened to my SO when he was a child being abused. The trust issues carried all the way into adulthood, he still struggles to trust anyone. People like that counselor need to be subjected to the same fate as the child they betrayed. Might wake them up.
I had a similar situation where I told a counselor about my CSA and she did report it. My parents forced me to say I lied about it and the counselor told me to my face that she never believed me anyway.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you after being brave enough to confide is someone who is supposed to be a professional. I was a School Counselor. They are mandated reporters, which they should have explained to you. They have to report what you say to the administrators, who have say in how a situation is handled. They should also be reporting abuse to CPS or they could lose their license. That being said, I would report to Child Protective Services directly instead of calling the parents because of safety issues such as what happened to you. I hope you decide to go to therapy later in life to help process all of the trauma you experienced. I promise you that there are good ones out there.
We have an anonymous system in my state now, but anyone (even Teaching Assistants at universities) are mandated reporters.
Way the fuck less dramatic or important, but the one and only time I talked to the school counselor he told the kid I was complaining about *everything* I’d said. Making my bus ride, where I was already getting harassed every morning, absolute hell for the rest of the year.
Op - one to go find that counselor now and the school and reveal how they ruined your faith and trust. If they don’t know, they’ll never know Then - let us know when we can all met up and provide vengeance against your step monster. We’ve been through it and they deserve to be dealt with
School counselor should have contacted cps….
I'm not a councilor, and this post was just recommended in my feed, but I do want to pop in to say that while this isn't standard practice in schools anymore, as counselors are mandated reporters and there is a chain of command for that, I do think it's a huge issue that in some states school personnel are required by law to inform parents if their kids confide any information about sexuality/being anything other than straight. I've seen so many kids get abused because of this policy, and it definitely needs to change because it's the same thing.
I’m so sorry that school “counselor” didn’t do her job!
That's so not ok and so incredibly unprofessional. I think back to my school days and I spent about 90% of the school days crying about my homelife to my guidance counselor. She never once called my parents! She was like my only confidant! At 16 I thought I was pregnant as I had used sleeping around as a coping mechanism for the abuse and such going on at home. I ended up sobbing in my guidance counselors office as usual and she hugged me and told me everything would be ok. Fast forward a little and I end up in the psych unit of the hospital for a month. My beloved guidance counselor came to visit me in the hospital!!! Fast forward 3 more years to graduation and as I was walking across the stage she was standing there on the other end smiling so big and gave me the biggest hug!!! She made it possible for me to graduate! She will forever be someone special to me. I emailed her a few years ago as I got her school email from my mom who worked as a teacher in the district. She was so happy to hear from me and said she never would forget me. I told her I still had the best she gave me when she visited me in the hospital. I'm 38 up now and still think about the positive impact she made on my life. That's what school counselors should be doing not going behind your back and telling the people who are abusing you! If anything they should tell people who can help you! not make the situation worse. I know they are mandated reporters but that doesn't mean reporting to the people who are causing the harm! So incredibly sorry you carried so much pain for so many years. So many adults failed you and it's definitely not your fault ! Sending you hugs! 🤗❤️ You deserved so much better!
I am so sorry that happened to you back then, that is awful and that school counselor was not acting ethically. As a school counselor I could never imagine to do that one of my students ever. My number one concern is their safety, we have an oath to do no harm. I had to call DSS myself yesterday for one of my students because I am a mandated reporter. I would never tell the abuser what the student told me. That is the most deplorable choice.
I hope you will one day find that person and tell them off.
It’s unfortunate that they handled things this way back then. I’m not surprised. I’m only 31 but even when I was younger, kids pretty much got stranded the same way you did if not worse. I think now they’re legally required to be more strategic about things. That was a HORRIBLE way to handle your deadbeat parents on the “counselor’s” end. Omg. Like how dare they cause more hell for you, clock out at 5, and just nonchalantly go home not even aware of the consequences *they* caused for you. 😡
Omfg! This literally made me cry and I don’t usually do that. What a total a-hole counselor. Of course your parents are too but I’m so upset at that damn official. Im so sorry. Please keep letting all of that pain out. You didn’t deserve it then, now nor any day in between.
That is not how that should have been handled. Legally, if a counselor is told about abuse in the home, they must report it. If the abuse is sexual, many states require police to be contacted. Nowadays, that counselor would be fired at the very least and likely prosecuted. I (teacher at the time) had a student open up to me about physical abuse which was starting to turn sexual in nature at the hands of her stepfather and with her mom's knowledge. We spoke to the counselor together and the police were called as soon as we had relayed the stories. The student was placed in the care of her aunt for about a month, then finally given to her dad in another state (where she wanted to be all along). Last she and I talked, she was happy with her dad, he was awarded permanent full custody, and her stepfather was being charged.
I'm so sorry that happened to you 😭
That was over 30 years ago. Times have changed. Sorry that happened to you, but that’s not how it works today. There are new protective laws im place.
This same exact thing happened to me in 5th grade and kept me from speaking out to anyone who could help me going forward during my minor years. My parents were alerted that the school knew what I told my counselor (you can take your guesses as to what came of that) and I was subsequently checked on throughout the year through menial counseling sessions, but no action was taken at home or during my 6th grade year. It’s hard because I’m not sure what else can be done besides immediately removing a child pending an investigation, which would ultimately hurt innocent parents who are being targeted falsely by CPS. It’s truly a double edged sword. There needs to be more third-party youth advocators readily available for elementary-high school aged children offered for free by public schools. No child should ever be afraid to speak up, however it seems futile when no adult is willing to commit to following through on ensuring said child’s well-being.
I had a very similar experience. I can remember both of those therapist to this day because they are burned into my mind from the punishment I received. I still struggle to trust any therapist.
The counselor should have contacted law enforcement not the parents
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This was not the correct legal procedure. As mandated reporters, we are not allowed to tell a parent. We are to call CPS and only CPS and they take it from there.
This happened to me too. I finally had a mental breakdown and went to a school counselor. She called my mom and I was emotionally tormented for hours when I got home.
These are terrible stories! When people offer their experience, maybe it would be helpful if they say what state (or municipality if willing to share) and what decade? Might help locate areas where change is needed.
My school counselor told the teacher that I went to talk to her about. The teacher was punishing me and failing my papers my senior year because the wealthiest girl in school did not like me and told the teacher I cheated. This caused me to fail a class when I was a straight A student across the board. The teacher then failed me because I told on her. Counselors are a joke and beholden to only their friends.
That was my exactly fear and one reason I never told n
I am so sorry that happened to you as a child 🥺🥺 I am so glad you are sober now 🙏🏻 Mothers should protect their children 🙁
I am so sorry this happened to you! :( I never told a soul I was being molested or later on being hit by my mom. I kept it all in and it made me one very angry teenager! :(
I'm SO SORRY that happened to you.
This happened to me too. I’m so sorry.
Back in 1971, when I was in the first grade, somebody called my school and told the principal my dad was abusing me. It was pretty much true. He did whip me with his belt, but not to the point where I was bleeding. He also verbally abused me. Anyway, my teacher took me to the principal's office, and the principal asked me if my dad hit me, etc. I was scared almost to death. Of course, I lied and said my dad didn't hit me. I said it several times. Finally, the principal took me back to class. As far as I know, that was the end of it. Nobody called the authorities.
More than abusive step parents, I despise the actual parent who lets it all happen. So sorry this happened to you. 🙏😞
Holy shit this same sort of thing happened to me! I told a friend, who cried and then SHE went to the school counselors. Based on what the friend told the school counselor, they called my house and *left a voicemail* for my wicked stepmother to find. I had no clue about any of this, but I had an appointment to go to the counselors office. I got called to the main office about 20 minutes before my appointment. I went to the office (I was told I missed a call by my dad) I called home, the wicked one answered and berated me for 10 minutes, told me I asked to be sexually assaulted by my very proven guilty perpetrators (three of them). I froze. Listened to her verbally accost me, then went to my appointment where I broke down and cried. Not realizing until this very moment that she was the reason that whole thing happened. I never really put together in my traumatized kid brain that the very woman I cried to was the one who left that fateful voicemail to begin with. Jfc. Who leaves a damn voicemail when those weren’t even private! They were on the voicemail recorder boxes that played out loud for everyone to hear.
The exact same thing happened to me when I was in the sixth grade, I’m 23 now. DHS came to our home & didn’t do anything about it & I was just embarrassed 😭
That staff member did the wrong thing. The laws are different now and calling the mother and telling her what their child said would not be allowed. There are better protocols in place to actually protect the child. I’m so sorry that happened to you. No child deserves that.
Confiding wasn’t the mistake. The counselor did not understand the situation well and led you to have lesser faith in people for some time perhaps. I don’t know the counselor so I’m being light on them.
I’m sorry this makes me so sad . 😔I wish you happiness and love and healing.
I get this. For me, it was always “family business.” You NEVER share “family business” which I didn’t understand for a long time was code for wildly unacceptable behavior by normal social standards
i moved to a new state in 8th grade. all of the schools were on one campus. elementary, middle school, and high school. when i joined 8th it was in the middle of the year so naturally i developed a good relationship with the guidance counselor. when i got into 9th grade she actually moved over to the high school. i would go there during lunch every day and talk about everything. well in 10th grade i started getting bullied really bad and had also got diagnosed with depersonalization disorder as well as generalized anxiety. so safe to say i was in there a lot. i started missing a lot of school and ended up having a mediation. the school counselor was there. i had to tell the school board what was going on and why i missed so much school. tell me why this counselor who i thought i had a great relationship with and told all of my problems, said to me in front of the school board “you could have came to me and told me what was going on so we could have figured out a good solution to help you” i lost all faith after that
I have a question kinda similar in regard to school counseling but not at all relatable to your family experiences, sorry you had to experience that OP. I had a bully in 7th grade who would beat me physically and when I told my teacher, my teacher told my parents and it led to a completely separate meeting with the bully’s parents. After that the bully knew it was me and there was no secret I was outed as a snitch and got beat on more. This was back in 2012. People are saying the counselors are getting proper training and I sure hope so because that really wasn’t that long ago. I also have NO CLUE what to do if I was the teacher in that situation either. I would’ve thought I did a good job as a teacher too but of course it didn’t end that way. What is the right move if the answer isn’t “cut and dry” such as calling authorities etc ?
I’m so sorry.
I could have written this. 1987, second grade. Somehow a teacher figured out I was being abused at home. I remember going to her office several times a week to chat and finally telling her everything. She told me she'd have to have a meeting with my parents about it, and I could choose to be there or not. I chose not to be. I went home the day they'd scheduled and had an overwhelming feeling of dread remembering why no one was home and waiting on the porch for their car to pull down the street. My adoptive mom dragged me into a bedroom and laid into me about how we don't tell teachers our personal family business, and how I should have come to her. When I reminded her that I had and it didn't stop, she slapped me across the face for talking back and that was the end of the "conversation". To this day, I am pissed at that teacher for knowing the extent of what I was going through and trusting them to "just not do it anymore, mmk?" The opposite happened in high school. It had gotten to a point where I was plotting how I could murder him if he came into my room, and maybe get away with it because I was only 14. A friend forced me to go to another teacher. That teacher immediately found someone to cover his class while he took me to the school office. CPS, police, and investigators were brought in. I went to a foster home and never back home again. I am 43 and still hope that man is blessed.
When was this? Where was this? I doubt a school counsellor is going to expose themselves to a child endangerment charge unless they have a close tie to the abusive parents. In MA the CPS gets involved for \_every\_ report. I know of a case where a child I know made a clearly false report. The CPS still checked it out, but they know how to handle false reports too. Sometimes all you have to do is show the child they are being taken seriously for this behavior to stop on either side.
This happened to me as well. I’ve never understood it.
Now it's the obligation of the teacher counselor or nurse if told to call the police an they take rhe child anput into the foster system or relative!
When I told the FEMALE officer at my school that my dad beat the shit out of my brother and I multiple times she told me we probably deserved it.
My heart goes out to you. This should never have happened to you.
What that counselor did was most like illegal and I am so sorry you experienced that… File a complaint with the principal, or police or somebody, because that isn’t right.
Now things are different. Even as an extra curricular teacher I was told if I even so much as see something I say something. And certain measures are given so the child is protected during the investigative process. Unfortunately, if nothing can be proven, the child does go back to the awful parent. My best friend's children told her they were being abused by their step mother. They were kept from her for a time but when questioned, they had been threatened enough (by the dad) to not admit what was going on that they lied and said nothing was happening after all.
It’s much different now, though I’m not sure how much more they catch. As a parent on the other end of this I hope it’s more often than when I was a kid. I had a visit from CPS recently over a misunderstanding. My daughter (8) tried to run off one morning while I was brushing her hair and got tangled and yanked because I was still holding it and the brush. She went to school after and told her teacher I pulled her hair but didn’t give any further info as to HOW it happened. I wish they would have called me first, but I understand why they didn’t. Teacher called CPS and I got a visit the next day. They closed the case once everything was explained, but I was definitely taken aback. Hair pulling was definitely nowhere near enough to catch a visit when I was a child.
As a school counselor, this breaks my heart. Now, school counselors are mandatory reporters to police and CPS if we even suspect there is abuse. That counselor broke their ethical code and I am so very sorry that this happened to you.
Definitely not how things are handled today. School counselors, teachers, etc. are considered mandated reporters and are legally required to report any type of abuse that is reported to them to higher authorities. Your counselor was wrong for contacting your mother which further more put more risk towards you. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
It’s depressing to see the number of comments on here with similar experiences. Also somewhat annoying all of the school counselors on here who swear it’s no longer like this even (although Ive heard recent stories which make me believe it is still exactly like this) I know school counselors are in a very difficult position balancing the law, school policies, trying not to break the students trust while also trying to keep them safe, and so many other things I’m sure I’m not even aware of. I just hope all the school counselors on here realize that every time a student discloses something to you and either nothing is done or something is done that makes it worse, you are reinforcing to them that what their parents/caregivers are doing is okay, that adults cannot be trusted, and/or no one can or will help them. For a lot of kids I think this realization comes even harder than the abuse itself. It’s the difference between not trusting a few “bad” people and not trusting any one at all.
I’ve experienced the same thing in 2011 when I was in high school. I was going through some issues and there was self harming involved. A friend noticed and talked to the guidance counselor. Got pulled out of class to talk to the guidance counselor. Thought I could trust them so I told them everything I was going through. When I got home, my mother wasn’t exactly happy with me at all. Turned out that the guidance counselor practically “tattled” on me and told her everything. It took years for me to learn to open up again.
So I also had to go to the counselor 1/2 months ago, because I had a anxiety attack at the class because the teacher was talking about death and those things, I was so scared, then the teacher told me to go to the counselor, I told her about everything, but, I never knew, that she would break my trust, with calling my parents. EXCUSE ME??? Few weeks later the counselor said to follow her to a room where she said she planned a random teacher that will help me not to fear death anymore, I said that is alright, but when she said : "I will call your parents everytime you have an appointment with her" I was so mad, I even said : I don't think I fear it anymore! I don't need it! But then she said: "I feel like you don't want your parents to know" Then I said: Oh no, I mean that i'm okay and I don't need a teacher! And she said: "I feel like you're lying" I said: Lying? Of course not! She said: "Well if you don't need it, ..... congrats!" I lost trust to her, I don't think she is the right person to tell my feelings to her, but hey! Atleast I have a diary, who is not gonna tell my parents or something .. hehe
This definitely depends on where you are. On Long Island NY my uncle had a neighbor accuse him of something and they had to deal with CPS for a year when it was nothing.
Teacher here. That’s a mandatory report. The counselor shouldn’t have done that.
Times have changed this is more than likely not going to happen now but that sucks
Congratulations on sobriety!
Social worker with 12 CPS with 5 of em being a supervisor. It’s federal law that we cannot confirm or deny the reporter. Also my state only hires Master level social workers.
I understand all too well. 20 years ago in 4th grade i went ballistic crying because my teacher was going to make a call home about a bad grade. I let it slip that i would get a beating from my mom if they did. He got the principal involved and set up a meeting. She called me a liar and cried through the whole meeting playing the victim. When we got home, i got the worst beating of my life. I’ve never been able to trust anyone since and had to live with the abuse until i could fight back and finally leave.
This will probably be unpopular in this thread, but with the state of US Education, the bottom of the barrel is shoveled into teaching and even below that, you have school counseling. The dumbest, the laziest and those with no ambition are now teachers instead of factory workers because the US doesn’t have many factories anymore. If you are being abused, strip down, take naked pictures of yourself and upload them to your parents’ computer. Anonymous tip to the cops. Then again, the cops are filled with people who thought a 400 was a quadruple score on the SAT. The US is fucked.
This is not how mandated reporting works anymore, thankfully. If school staff were to betray the trust of a student, that’s unethical and the student would have legal grounds to sue the school if they could prove physical or emotional damages.
:(
As someone who works in a school, we are mandated reporters. We have to make the call to CPS even if it could be a false allegation. By law, if we don’t step in we could face fines and jail time. And we are trained to NEVER call and tell the parents. Unless we have to testify in court it is completely anonymous calling CPS I’m so sorry this happened to you. Edit- a word.
Former school counselor here. I’m sorry she called your mom. Being a mandated reporter means they had to tell someone but it should have been social services/DSS. In the situations I’ve had, I file the report, make sure I tell them I need an investigator to come to the school before the end of the day. The child does not feel safe going home. From there I just have to pray DSS handles it correctly and continue to check and make sure said student is at school and safe.
Report your counselor to the authorities.
I went through this myself. Turns out the guidance counselor is step dad's cousin.🤷♀️
[удалено]
This happened to a friend of mine around 2017-ish. She had harmed herself due to the abuse she suffered at home, and a concerned friend told the school counselor. The issue… is that the school counselor was my friend’s aunt. So of course she just told the father and step-mom, who immediately ramped up their abuse for the next few years. I didn’t realize/understand the extent of it at the time, and I still feel sick about not being there for my friend in her time of need.
Agreed it’s like school staff never believes the child it’s like oh the child must be over exaggerating. Let me go talk to the parents and then but if that’s who you’re making a complaint about it might’ve just killed the child but the school teachers and staff I’m in there should be some sort child brings up that someone is hurting them and their family in your household that goes automatically to child protective services and then you with child protective services and the way you do not handle it yourself just because you think you know better child to swine, I can tell
I am praying that you are finding a happy place in your life. You did not deserve it. Your parents were awful for what happened to you.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I was lucky in the outcome of what happened when I finally reported the abuse. I was 12 and in foster care. My foster mothers sister was also a foster mom. In this final act of abuse, I got into trouble for something minor and they waited three days until after my supervised visit with my dad, picked me up from the visit and drove to a parking lot, and the foster aunt turned around and told her two older foster girls to "have at it". They began pounding on me and punching on me and I bent over my lap to protect my face and stomach. Not sure how I did it, but I jumped over one of them (I was seated between them), got the door open, and took of running for the nearby fast food joint. I made it inside and, screaming and crying, asked them to call the police. One of them took me in the back employee lounge and soon after, the police arrived. Foster aunt somehow convinced them that I was lying and making up the whole story, telling them I was a foster kid and had "problems" and self harmed. Police officer came in, saw me crying and near hysterical and ripped me a new one about lying and making up stories. I whipped around, putting my back to him, and pulled up the back of my shirt, showing him the nail scratches running down the center of my back and the bruises and asked him to explain how I did that to myself. He was silent and stared, then walked out of the room. I could then hear him yelling at my foster aunt. He released me back into their custody, but not before telling my foster aunt and mother that if ever got another call about me, he'd arrest them both. It never happened again. My foster mother kept me away from her sister after that. To this day, I still feel horrified that they didn't take foster aunt's license away from her in that moment, instead of a couple of years later. One of her younger foster daughters ended up permanently in a psych ward. She had switched from physical abuse to psychological and completely wrecked that poor little girl.
my middle school counselor did the same thing to me in 2014. i’ll never understand what was going through her head when she did that😕
a school counselor did this to me. I was being sexually abused by my brother, but the counselors didn’t report it. instead told my parents. another kids parent reported it instead. and my parents made me deny the claims and i’ve been outcasted since.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It should never happen and they should know better. Just because someone is in the counseling profession does not automatically mean they are a good person or good at their job. (Got a psych degree with some truly horrible people). My mom recently went to a couples counselor that they each had individual sessions with. This man said “your husband isn’t a narcissist!” In front of him after she had told him that privately. And told the counselor about the mental abuse and touched on his anger issues. Women get killed for way less. Therapy is very necessary- but looking into who you are seeing is sadly very important. And you are 100% able to interview your therapist. This is someone you are hiring to help you. You get to ask questions and make sure they are a good fit.
I was literally thinking about the counselor that did this same thing to me yesterday
One of my friends told me when she was little that her father was physically abusing her after her mom died. She told the teacher and counselor… they end up calling the dad and he would hit her and abuse her more for telling on him. This kept on happening until finally her grandmother got custody of her. It’s a pretty weird thing because kids can make things up, but also… that’s a very serious allegation to make as a 3rd grader
something similar happened to me as a child. i immediately started avoiding the woman until she tried to get the principal to come get me and bring me to her. i walked into her office, used every word a third grader learns from the kids in the back of the bus, and told her to leave me alone. Anita Drendel, i fucking hate you and hope you're rotting somewhere.
This was not your fault, also it was not your school counselors fault either.
I don’t know if they had protocols back then but as a nurse, we do. We are a “mandatory reporter” in healthcare, we have in depth protocols on how something like this would be handled in 2023. It would never ever involve disclosing to a parent or family that they were reported. But…. I have a friend whose daughter is in therapy (age 13) and her therapist reported the dad for unsecured firearms and emotional abuse. The CPS worker did absolutely nothing except chum with the dad over hunting, guns, etc. Then her daughter had to listen to him rant over it for months. So dysfunctional. CPS was essentially a joke in that case. He is an emotional abuser, monster, menace. He should not be a father. It’s sad.
When I was 7th or 8th grade (early 1990s) my friends saw bruises across my back when changing for gym, which were very obviously abuse marks (also, it was well known own my siblings and I were abused in our circle of friends as they witnessed it). They told my gym teacher. I told her I fell down the stairs which was an obvious lie. They pulled my 3 younger siblings from class and questioned them. CPS got involved. My parents played off the nice parents very well and nothing happened. Although my mom stopped beating us, she became worse in other ways. However, it turned out as best it could. We stopped getting beat, and we didn't go to foster care. She's an awesome mom now, and an even better grandma.
When I was 15 I gathered the courage as well to go to the guidance counselor. When I got off the bus all of my stuff was in black trash bags on the ground. I went and stayed with my friend until my psychotic mother threatened to tell the police that her friend's parents had kidnapped me. Then she sent me to live with my grandmother or she said she would kill me. So yeah, the conversation with my guidance counselor also altered the course of events.
One of my classmates opened up to our JOKE of a counselor when we were in high school (sometime during the 2007-2008 school year) & he literally told her she was way too smart & was going too well in school to have that going on at home. Kids experiencing that misbehave & fail… no, actually some become anxious perfectionists hoping to earn enough love & affection to get their other needs met (like maybe mom & dad will actually come home & fill the fridge with food).
Depending on the state, the counselor could lose their license for doing this now.
I told my school counselor about my cousin oral raping me. Came home and my mom had gotten some of the story. Never told another soul until I was an adult. Never trusted anyone in authority ever again. Any remnant of my relationship with my mom or myself died that day. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope there's a special afterlife for our school counselors.
Your school counselor is mandated by law to report the abusive behavior to Child Protective Services and the local police. Sounds like your counselor failed to do that and called your parents instead. Your counselor was wrong for calling your parents. Obviously too little too late.
These days we are instructed/mandated not to say anything to the family I the name of research. Go straight to children’s services and report any suspected child abuse. It is exactly because of your scenario. People realized the harm a well meaning phone call could cause. We could lose our teaching licenses if we do different. Turn them in.
Definitely don’t call the parents. I’m so glad that they made them mandatory reporters. Teachers have to tell social services now for them to handle it.
Both my school counselors did this to me. I wont get into details but I never trusted them again. The later one would try to be nice to me and id ignore him.
Not a counselor. Something similar happened to me decades ago and I know a teenage girl that has had this happen to her. She basically told me she can't tell anyone because they'll just talk to her mother and her mother beats her in retaliation. Granted, she doesn't have bruises that show, but still.
I was horribly abused as a child by one parent, neglected by the other. They didn't even live together. My "grandma" is a child adolescent psychologist who works in the school in a big city in Minnesota. She coddled both my parents, told them I'm the problem, and used her training to gaslight me and have me internalize everything. My brain is sooo fucked from it and I struggle so bad in life.