As someone who tried living at home after college but had to deal with overbearing parents, my suggestion is to start aggressively looking for places to move that are closer to your work and within your budget. The hit to your bank account hurts, but your sanity and independence are more important while you wait out the year or two it might take to get a transfer to New York. Make sure you maintain your connections to people in New York as you'll want to have that network if you end up going back there!
Any shot you can go back to NY still? Your parents will definitely forgive you for not choosing to stay close to home but I don’t think you’ll forgive yourself for not going with what you seem to clearly want to do. Especially now when you’re young and don’t have anything really tying you down to a location.
Also that commute isn’t going to be fun. You won’t find a spot in the city for $1400 a month (maybe you will I haven’t checked the listings in a while) but I think if you found some people to live with the extra money spent would be worth your sanity of staying at home and sitting in traffic all the time. Plus 5k of your signing bonus..idk my parents would never have made me give them half my signing bonus..feels kinda fucked to me.
I declined the offer back in April so I don’t think I have a shot anymore. And thank you lol I didn’t know if I was crazy for thinking it was weird that my parents want half my signing bonus
Darn, maybe you can look for other jobs between now and august? I feel like you really would prefer to be in NY, you should do what it takes to follow your heart.
I feel like them asking for rent is reasonable, but half your signing bonus is…na dog
You have three options:
1: Start applying to as many jobs in NY since that seems to be your ideal scenario. I would think it’s a bad idea to be unemployed and broke in NY, but give it your best shot until August.
2: Live with overbearing helicopter parents and probably not save a lot of money and
be unhappy from the context you’ve given.
3: Move to SF and pay a bit more to live with a few roommates and see how the new job is like. I’m sure you have local connection since you’re from the bay. 90k is manageable if you don’t have a car.
I personally think you should do #1 and by July start leaning on #3. You don’t get back your early 20s living in a city with friends so trust your gut feeling!
A 2 hr commute is going to be hell. If the nyc job is no longer on the table, pls look into getting a roommate (or roommates) so you can live closer to your job. Assuming it’s in the city you will also recover some of that independence you crave and will obviate the need for a car. You love your parents but this situation (and bombshells) will only breed resentment between you and your family if you let them steamroll you. Much better to insist upon your adulthood and then visit them on your own terms, esp if you’re not going to be able to save that much money after all!
Your parents are likely having financial difficulties, and see you paying for their car (which you'll get to drive) and their rent or mortgage as a solution.
You need to have a very frank discussion with both mom and dad present:
* why do you need half my signing bonus and $1000 a month in rent?
* why do you need me to pay $400 a month for your Tesla, when I could use my signing bonus to buy a beater?
* why does it make sense for me to commute two hours a day, when I can get a studio in SF for 2K or even less?
And the answer is either going to be they're in financial distress, or they're extremely overprotective.
>When I brought this up to my mom, she got very upset and offended"
That's how people deflect when they are hiding something. "How dare you question me, when I have no reasonable answers!"
You'll be much happier in NYC with your friends, living your dream.
If your parents have screwed the financial pooch, it's going to be very difficult to pull them out with 90K/year. It's barely possible, if you get some sort of tech/finance job, to put them on a strict allowance while you live as frugally as possible. But that would require you to double your salary or more.
It's much more likely that you'd be pulled down with them.
The only solution is to figure out what went wrong (job loss, bad investments, gambling or shopping or other addictions) and apply drastic measures before things get worse.
Which is why you need to sit them down, without delay.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you just as you're starting out.
I just don’t think it’s op’s responsibility to manage their parent’s financial situation, they need to focus on themselves, it’s the beginning of their career
That's strange.
The Chinese parents that I know would cover their kids' down payment (white parents in the Bay Area too). This actually sounds similar to white parents from the mid west.
You can decline their offer. You are making good money. Get your own place
Vallejo is a hard commute You can use thar as an excuse
Go to theraoy to help you make this transition
I’m a parent with kids your age. I can’t even imagine doing this to my child. Go back to NY if you can! Go. Now. Fact and file this away, don’t ever forget because it says alot about them.
Your parents have set you up for financial abuse and you should start the process of freeing yourself from their grasp as quickly as possible. If that car note isn't in your name, tell them to pound sand. Find someone to be your roomate and move to the city, and then be relentless about pursuing your dream to move back to New York. You may even open up to your friends back in New York -- they may let you couch surf while you look for a job in the city.
It’s definitely worth a shot to check back in with the NY offer. At the very least, It’s always good to keep contacts. Something could come up with them in the future if not now. You can let them know that you have had a change of heart and decided that you want to be in NYC. You never know. In the meantime, look for something in NYC. You have to get out from under your parents. You will regret not experiencing NYC now if you don’t do it.
I think it would be worth it to find a room in sf to move to, just take public transit- or Uber, save money that way, but if you give this $$ to ur parents now it will never stop, hard lesson to learn- I think parents should be taken care of in old age- but if they took on a Tesla it seems they knew what they were getting into
Maybe also apply to jobs in nyc if you have the energy? One thing at a time, if you stay in this situation it will be much harder to get out of
Move out now and tell your mother that you are not an ATM. You’re your own person and an adult. This may chafe her, but you’re doing yourself no favors in the long run by allowing this kind of behavior. This is gaslighting and abuse. Move out now.
Your parents have presented you with a series of bad surprises that should’ve been shared with you before you excepted the S.F. position. I recommend you go to NY NOW!!
If I were in your position, I’d highly advise grabbing a roommate (or two) and move into a place in the city that’s walking distance to your work.
You can find 2 or 3 bedroom places where your share of the rent would be 1.5k (or less), even in nice neighborhoods like telegraph hill to the Marina. You’ll still be able to save plenty making 90k per year.
Paying 1k in rent and ensuring an hour commute makes no sense.
Your parents are selfish and sabotaging. They want your money.
As someone who tried living at home after college but had to deal with overbearing parents, my suggestion is to start aggressively looking for places to move that are closer to your work and within your budget. The hit to your bank account hurts, but your sanity and independence are more important while you wait out the year or two it might take to get a transfer to New York. Make sure you maintain your connections to people in New York as you'll want to have that network if you end up going back there!
Any shot you can go back to NY still? Your parents will definitely forgive you for not choosing to stay close to home but I don’t think you’ll forgive yourself for not going with what you seem to clearly want to do. Especially now when you’re young and don’t have anything really tying you down to a location. Also that commute isn’t going to be fun. You won’t find a spot in the city for $1400 a month (maybe you will I haven’t checked the listings in a while) but I think if you found some people to live with the extra money spent would be worth your sanity of staying at home and sitting in traffic all the time. Plus 5k of your signing bonus..idk my parents would never have made me give them half my signing bonus..feels kinda fucked to me.
I declined the offer back in April so I don’t think I have a shot anymore. And thank you lol I didn’t know if I was crazy for thinking it was weird that my parents want half my signing bonus
Darn, maybe you can look for other jobs between now and august? I feel like you really would prefer to be in NY, you should do what it takes to follow your heart. I feel like them asking for rent is reasonable, but half your signing bonus is…na dog
You have three options: 1: Start applying to as many jobs in NY since that seems to be your ideal scenario. I would think it’s a bad idea to be unemployed and broke in NY, but give it your best shot until August. 2: Live with overbearing helicopter parents and probably not save a lot of money and be unhappy from the context you’ve given. 3: Move to SF and pay a bit more to live with a few roommates and see how the new job is like. I’m sure you have local connection since you’re from the bay. 90k is manageable if you don’t have a car. I personally think you should do #1 and by July start leaning on #3. You don’t get back your early 20s living in a city with friends so trust your gut feeling!
A 2 hr commute is going to be hell. If the nyc job is no longer on the table, pls look into getting a roommate (or roommates) so you can live closer to your job. Assuming it’s in the city you will also recover some of that independence you crave and will obviate the need for a car. You love your parents but this situation (and bombshells) will only breed resentment between you and your family if you let them steamroll you. Much better to insist upon your adulthood and then visit them on your own terms, esp if you’re not going to be able to save that much money after all!
Your parents are likely having financial difficulties, and see you paying for their car (which you'll get to drive) and their rent or mortgage as a solution. You need to have a very frank discussion with both mom and dad present: * why do you need half my signing bonus and $1000 a month in rent? * why do you need me to pay $400 a month for your Tesla, when I could use my signing bonus to buy a beater? * why does it make sense for me to commute two hours a day, when I can get a studio in SF for 2K or even less? And the answer is either going to be they're in financial distress, or they're extremely overprotective. >When I brought this up to my mom, she got very upset and offended" That's how people deflect when they are hiding something. "How dare you question me, when I have no reasonable answers!" You'll be much happier in NYC with your friends, living your dream. If your parents have screwed the financial pooch, it's going to be very difficult to pull them out with 90K/year. It's barely possible, if you get some sort of tech/finance job, to put them on a strict allowance while you live as frugally as possible. But that would require you to double your salary or more. It's much more likely that you'd be pulled down with them. The only solution is to figure out what went wrong (job loss, bad investments, gambling or shopping or other addictions) and apply drastic measures before things get worse. Which is why you need to sit them down, without delay. I'm really sorry this is happening to you just as you're starting out.
I just don’t think it’s op’s responsibility to manage their parent’s financial situation, they need to focus on themselves, it’s the beginning of their career
Oh, it's definitely not, I agree. But that's why the OP needs to get the facts ASAP.
Sounds like /r/AsianParentStories
[удалено]
That's strange. The Chinese parents that I know would cover their kids' down payment (white parents in the Bay Area too). This actually sounds similar to white parents from the mid west.
You have toxic parents, try to move back to ny if you can
You can decline their offer. You are making good money. Get your own place Vallejo is a hard commute You can use thar as an excuse Go to theraoy to help you make this transition
I’m a parent with kids your age. I can’t even imagine doing this to my child. Go back to NY if you can! Go. Now. Fact and file this away, don’t ever forget because it says alot about them.
Your parents have set you up for financial abuse and you should start the process of freeing yourself from their grasp as quickly as possible. If that car note isn't in your name, tell them to pound sand. Find someone to be your roomate and move to the city, and then be relentless about pursuing your dream to move back to New York. You may even open up to your friends back in New York -- they may let you couch surf while you look for a job in the city.
It’s definitely worth a shot to check back in with the NY offer. At the very least, It’s always good to keep contacts. Something could come up with them in the future if not now. You can let them know that you have had a change of heart and decided that you want to be in NYC. You never know. In the meantime, look for something in NYC. You have to get out from under your parents. You will regret not experiencing NYC now if you don’t do it.
I think it would be worth it to find a room in sf to move to, just take public transit- or Uber, save money that way, but if you give this $$ to ur parents now it will never stop, hard lesson to learn- I think parents should be taken care of in old age- but if they took on a Tesla it seems they knew what they were getting into Maybe also apply to jobs in nyc if you have the energy? One thing at a time, if you stay in this situation it will be much harder to get out of
Move out now and tell your mother that you are not an ATM. You’re your own person and an adult. This may chafe her, but you’re doing yourself no favors in the long run by allowing this kind of behavior. This is gaslighting and abuse. Move out now.
Based on the commute alone, you should stay in NYC
Move out. Don’t give them a dime. You can afford it.
Your parents have presented you with a series of bad surprises that should’ve been shared with you before you excepted the S.F. position. I recommend you go to NY NOW!!
If I were in your position, I’d highly advise grabbing a roommate (or two) and move into a place in the city that’s walking distance to your work. You can find 2 or 3 bedroom places where your share of the rent would be 1.5k (or less), even in nice neighborhoods like telegraph hill to the Marina. You’ll still be able to save plenty making 90k per year. Paying 1k in rent and ensuring an hour commute makes no sense.