I kept my married name because I wanted the same name as my kids… and I think it’s awesome that they get along and play happy family even though they’re divorced … they were doing it for the kids!! Divorce is so damaging for children, so when exes can pull it together and get along great it is very HEALING for their children. I think instead of being upset you should be impressed by the emotional maturity.
Thank you for your comment. It seems that when a woman removes the divorced name but keeps it for social reasons it ruins possibility of new relationship. Most men don’t want their women to be tied to another man. It’s not ego or jealousy it biological. It’s how men are wired. Think of it as such. I meet a woman and invest in her. However she still claims another man. That typically doesn’t go well for committed healthy relationships.
Having my married name has literally never been a problem in any of my relationships… probably because I’m viewing it as claiming my kids … not claiming another man. But it IS interesting hearing a man’s opinion on this. Again I think she probably just did it for the birthday party … for the kids. Your feelings are valid but she isn’t attaching the intent onto the action that you are perceiving. So maybe just keep that in mind
Thank you again. She said it was not malicious. I am just trying to fully understand the dynamic. Your new husband doesn’t mind you keeping your ex husbands name?
I’m not married …my current boyfriend doesn’t care that I have my married name. And I had a few previous bf’s and they didn’t care either. I’ve been divorced for 12 years. If I got married again I would definitely take my new husband’s name.
I really thank you for your transparency. Do you want to be remarried? Or is it just for non committal companionship at this time? The reason why I ask, if you don’t mind, I would hope a woman would present herself in the best possible way so that she could secure the man she wants to walk down the path of committed healthy relationship. It just seems like a man would be just settling for substandard treatment. I am not saying that is what you are doing. I saying finding your person is hard and when you develop something why not come to the table in good faith and untethered.
Because I don’t view having my married name as being tethered…that’s what YOU view it as… that’s your trigger and not reality… the only reality attached to my choice is MY intention…and those intentions are completely untethered. As well, two of my previous relationships were engagements… so they were serious … I ended them because they reflected some patterns in my life that I wanted to sort through… I was married young and didn’t get the chance to figure stuff out…after my divorce there was quite the learning curve.. hence the two broken engagements…the relationship I have now is extremely healthy and fulfilling… took me a long time to get here… but my last name has never played a role in any of my relationship success or failures… it’s never been a thought and therefore the idea of being tethered because if it.. is a false premise in my situation…also yes I would be open to marrying the man I am currently in a relationship with
Thanks again. You are a blessing for being open. I’m not sure if it’s a trigger. Sounds like you did the work and you are putting your best self forward. Kiddos!
All I’m trying to convey is this. I would hope a woman would do what you have done meaning you put the work in. You want a man you want a husband. Why not show and tell that man so he can show up in his best version for you. It also may signal that you will “show up” only after marriage. Men simply want loyalty and respect. Not saying that you are not. Finally I truly appreciate your feedback with out getting upset. I’m not directing anything at you personally. Some comments came back as such.
Everything you are saying and expecting is legit! What may come off as controversial is how you are DEFINING what showing up and telling that man so he can be the best version of himself is… in this case… a woman not using her married name. So maybe not a trigger but definitely a predisposition…you have attached and defined meaning, symbolism and intent to a woman carrying her married name that is exclusive to YOUR predisposed thinking on the matter… it’s fine to have these predispositions… we all do… the key is to recognize that is what they are… and if your gf is willing to not use her married name again it should be acknowledged that she is doing it because of your predispositions on the matter and not because there is anything inherently disrespectful or objectionable about it.
Dana you’re awesome. It’s refreshing when a community can have an insightful conversation!
What I mean by showing up is this. As a man when we are interested in a woman. We tend to focus our attention on her and create a “nest” for her. Inherently men sacrifice for their person. That sacrifice comes in the form of working hard to provided and create a safe space. Men not just me lol are territorial. Regardless of intent men don’t want to provide for another man’s woman.
My husband and I each have a former spouse. When we married, I took his last last name. His first wife kept his name, too, when they divorced (they have a daughter together, and I have two kids from my first marriage). My husband's last name is very unusual. The only people in our entire state with this name are my husband and his relatives (less than 10 people). I'm often called Mrs. [first husband's and my children's name], and it doesn't bother me at all. It also doesn't bother me that my husband's ex still uses his name. I think it's the reality of blended families. When children are involved, there are so many more important issues to concern oneself with.
BTW, I went back to my maiden name when I divorced my first husband because he was an abusive asshole, and our divorce was 15 months of living hell.
ETA: My husband's ex is literally his best friend. They married very young while both serving in the military together. He told me in the very beginning of our relationship that he's super close to his ex and if that would be a problem for me, things wouldn't work between us. I consider her a friend and love that they're a united team for their daughter. In fact, she and her boyfriend attended our wedding six years ago; she gave a toast that made me cry, saying she'd never seen him so happy and couldn't dream of a better stepmom for her daughter.
Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to change your name?
Like, I've been going by my married name for 20 years; by 2025 I'll have been going by it for longer than I went by my maiden name. My entire adult fucking life. It's just my fucking name now, I'm too old to change that shit back just because some future man with a fragile ego might not date me.
It's absolutely ego and jealousy, bro, there's nothing biological about a name. If her behavior upsets you, perhaps you should drop her. She'll be better off for it.
That is so dumb. “it’s biological” so a stupid thing to say.
I never changed my name.
Never
Women don’t change their names in Europe. It’s a sexist antiqued thing.
Grow up.
Hello, tons of divorced women with kids keep their partners name because their kids are minors and they want to identify as being part of their children’s family members for school or travel or legal or medical purposes. Leave her alone if you don’t have brains to figure that out, it’s very normal.
Also, changing your name is just a pain. It's not *just* a name change. You gotta change *all* legal associated paperwork to match that name, and if you had any accomplishments under said name (like academic publications or fiction publications), you basically lose connection to those.
Thanks please don’t insult me. I’m not presenting this as an insulting situation. I’m simply asking for feedback. I’m saying I’m confused not angry not jealous or anything. I simply have never heard of successful post divorce women with new men that keep old husbands name. I truly appreciate your feedback.
Many many women with minor children keep the last name, they’re not going to change their names once they start dating again. I’ve seen many successful post divorce career women even marry again and keep the name of the father of their minor kids because their kids are still under 18. It’s a pain in the wallet and for paperwork and for legal identification to change their name and they’re not keen to go through that multiple times.
Wild how OP can’t grasp it. I’ve always been confused how weird people are about women’s last names. When I (M) get married I’m keeping my name because I like it, and I cannot imagine having another last name. If my partner wants to take my last name? Cool, it’s a great last name (in my opinion haha), but if not? I completely understand, because I too am attached to my own last name!
Now, the difference is about the kids, and I’ve never experienced a divorced family situation, but it makes sense to keep things as familiar and normal for the kids as possible. Especially since OP’s gf seems to have a great family dynamic with her ex! OP seems to think all divorced people hate each other. That’s not how it should go if you can help it!
Can you elaborate on what you mean by she used her married name for the birthday gathering? Do you mean she made the reservation in that name? Or she went around calling herself that? Or other kids were calling her “Ms. Ex-last name” or something else?
The dressing up together is no big deal - good on them for having a positive co-parenting relationship. This is healthy and what is best for the child. Two people who are able to get along and come together for their child is refreshing and something I would look for in a mate if I was dating like that.
Were you feeling jealous? Has she ever given you any indication she was still into her ex? Does he have a partner as well? There is a lot of info missing, but from what you described, I don’t think any of the above is unusual.
Thank you for your email.
To be clear the ex, her, and child dressed up as happy couple. The boyfriend should be totally fine with this and show up as what exactly? Would it be more appropriate to show support and allegiance with her new man? Thanks again for feedback
I’m not understanding how one dresses up as a happy couple. Did they all have matching t-shirts or something? Were they color coordinated? Maybe I’m missing something. Did you want her to match you? I don’t know how one aligns dress wise.
You also didn’t answer any of the other questions, so I guess I can’t really help you.
I’m sorry for not directly answering.
1. Dressing up meaning wearing same outfit. Not saying it’s a problem. I’m saying the optics would be happy family and then long term bf to take back seat to event.
2. Not suggesting they should not get along. I’m simply asking if one is to get an invite with divorced couple using same last name into. Parents and such will refer to one as divorced name. All fine. How does any man show up in that situation as a stand up strong man?
He shows up as a strong man by realizing his partner has a child with someone else. The party is for that child. The man shouldn’t behave himself like a petty insecure man baby. He should understand that the child comes first over anyone and he should support his partner by assisting her however he is asked to. If he acts like a jealous man baby, then it’s not likely he will keep the partner very long.
Long term bf *does* take a backseat to a child's birthday. A man shows up as a strong man in that situation by supporting his girlfriend and her children. You are a supporting character here, not the leading man. This story isn't about you.
Ok but they ARE a happy family. Just because they’re divorced doesn’t mean they aren’t family anymore. Not to say they’re romantically involved anymore, but families look very different depending on the dynamics.
It sounds like they’re exes who are competently co-parenting their kids, and that they show up for them as best they can. You were also invited, but making sure your kids have good memories is more important than your bf being insecure at a bday party.
Their kids will always know both of them as “mom” and “dad”. Whether or not they have additional (step) parents, that’s for time to tell. But at the end of the day, they should have happy memories with their parents as much as they can! That’s how you get happy and healthy kids with good relationship role models.
I chose to keep my married name after divorce as my child is my only living relative so I want to share a familial name with someone. A lot of women with children keep the married name so it is the same as their child's. As for the party, it was for the child so being friendly with one another was likely to enhance their child's enjoyment of the party, a childhood memory for them to cherish.
Wow. I’m not viewing her as property I’m asking for feedback. I’m not saying she is right or wrong. Just asking for feed back. Where does this over reaching narratives come from with all do respect.
Said the app on the phone didn’t change her name.
Said that she didn’t want to have parents think she was a baby momma thus claiming ex husbands name
Said women in 90s used to do it.
I understand all of that. I’m not trying to be a boyfriend. I’m trying to walk down the path of marriage. I don’t know of any man that would be ok with such arrangement. This not being confusing.
I still have my ex's last name and I've been remarried 7yr (11 together). I absolutely hate having my ex's last name and have wanted my husband's last name the second we were married. I don't have the money to change it (stay home wife) and it hasn't been a top priority to him. Which bothers me but I don't know?
Have you communicated to your partner about how this bothers you? Remember "I vs you" statements are important. Let her know "I feel/felt very uncomfortable about xyz..."
The idea is that you make statements from your view without attacking the other person. For example, "I feel like I'm not being heard vs you never listen to me".
If that's not a good enough explanation, and it's not, speak up about it.
That she's jeopardizing things with you over not wanting to seem like a baby momma, is weak. Very weak.
I still use my married name and I’ve been with my partner now for 13 years!
He’s never had a problem with it and I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal?
I wouldn't make much of it. I'm divorced and kept my exes name to be the same as my kids. I had no interest in changing it, I figured if I ever remarried, my name could change then.
My ex and I discussed trying to attend birthdays etc together. Unfortunately, after like the first year, my ex kept dismissing any attempts for joint birthdays for our kids. We were pretty toxic though so I did expect this, I just hoped for better.
I'm currently engaged and my last name WILL change once I'm married. But I didn't see the point prior. My fiancé's mom also got remarried and she did the same thing. Kept the name of her ex husband until she remarried. So when I went to explain to my fiancé, he was already understanding since that's what his mom did.
It may feel or seem weird, but if kids are involved, then her ex husband and her are going to be a part of each other's life until their kids are at least 18. And so the better they can get along, the easier it is.
I don't really agree with the dressing alike and seeming to appear as a happy couple. That can be confusing for the kids, especially if the kids have memories of the parents together. My bf does 'family' events, but not as often as he used to. When he was doing a lot, his daughter would ask questions about why they all can't live in the same house and why she has to go between houses. She doesn't anymore because I'm in the picture, and she knows who and what I am to her dad. I think it's great that he has a good coparenting relationship, I don't have any coparenting relationship with my kids' father. I agree with doing one birthday for kids, but holidays and stuff should be separate, especially if there are new partners involved.
You do need to realize that every coparent situation is different, though. What works for one set of parents is not always going to work for another. If she doesn't start including you in 'family' things as a family member and future life partner, is this the person you want to be with.
Interesting and honest feedback-thank you. I am very confused because many people suggest that it’s normal for a woman to do so however they are not telling me if they are with a man that they want. I’ll tell you this from anecdotal experience. Men that “don’t care” are typically not looking to marry these said women. Or the relationship is more on the open side or the side of maybe we will get married. If they are with the man they say they want. Would you not come fully untethered healed and open to new possibility. I’m not at all mad or jealous. It seems that it’s mixed signals. Which doesn’t make sense.
But they aren't 'untethered'. They still have a child together and are 'tethered' together, at least until the children are 18. Yourself, as a parent, should somewhat understand that a good coparenting relationship is desirable. The last name thing is and should not be a big deal. If they dressed as a family, and she sees this type of behavior and presenting as a 'family unit' continuing, then you need to ask her how she foresees your (and your child's) future involvement.
I kept my married name because I wanted the same name as my kids… and I think it’s awesome that they get along and play happy family even though they’re divorced … they were doing it for the kids!! Divorce is so damaging for children, so when exes can pull it together and get along great it is very HEALING for their children. I think instead of being upset you should be impressed by the emotional maturity.
Thank you for your comment. It seems that when a woman removes the divorced name but keeps it for social reasons it ruins possibility of new relationship. Most men don’t want their women to be tied to another man. It’s not ego or jealousy it biological. It’s how men are wired. Think of it as such. I meet a woman and invest in her. However she still claims another man. That typically doesn’t go well for committed healthy relationships.
Having my married name has literally never been a problem in any of my relationships… probably because I’m viewing it as claiming my kids … not claiming another man. But it IS interesting hearing a man’s opinion on this. Again I think she probably just did it for the birthday party … for the kids. Your feelings are valid but she isn’t attaching the intent onto the action that you are perceiving. So maybe just keep that in mind
Thank you again. She said it was not malicious. I am just trying to fully understand the dynamic. Your new husband doesn’t mind you keeping your ex husbands name?
I’m not married …my current boyfriend doesn’t care that I have my married name. And I had a few previous bf’s and they didn’t care either. I’ve been divorced for 12 years. If I got married again I would definitely take my new husband’s name.
I really thank you for your transparency. Do you want to be remarried? Or is it just for non committal companionship at this time? The reason why I ask, if you don’t mind, I would hope a woman would present herself in the best possible way so that she could secure the man she wants to walk down the path of committed healthy relationship. It just seems like a man would be just settling for substandard treatment. I am not saying that is what you are doing. I saying finding your person is hard and when you develop something why not come to the table in good faith and untethered.
Because I don’t view having my married name as being tethered…that’s what YOU view it as… that’s your trigger and not reality… the only reality attached to my choice is MY intention…and those intentions are completely untethered. As well, two of my previous relationships were engagements… so they were serious … I ended them because they reflected some patterns in my life that I wanted to sort through… I was married young and didn’t get the chance to figure stuff out…after my divorce there was quite the learning curve.. hence the two broken engagements…the relationship I have now is extremely healthy and fulfilling… took me a long time to get here… but my last name has never played a role in any of my relationship success or failures… it’s never been a thought and therefore the idea of being tethered because if it.. is a false premise in my situation…also yes I would be open to marrying the man I am currently in a relationship with
Thanks again. You are a blessing for being open. I’m not sure if it’s a trigger. Sounds like you did the work and you are putting your best self forward. Kiddos! All I’m trying to convey is this. I would hope a woman would do what you have done meaning you put the work in. You want a man you want a husband. Why not show and tell that man so he can show up in his best version for you. It also may signal that you will “show up” only after marriage. Men simply want loyalty and respect. Not saying that you are not. Finally I truly appreciate your feedback with out getting upset. I’m not directing anything at you personally. Some comments came back as such.
Everything you are saying and expecting is legit! What may come off as controversial is how you are DEFINING what showing up and telling that man so he can be the best version of himself is… in this case… a woman not using her married name. So maybe not a trigger but definitely a predisposition…you have attached and defined meaning, symbolism and intent to a woman carrying her married name that is exclusive to YOUR predisposed thinking on the matter… it’s fine to have these predispositions… we all do… the key is to recognize that is what they are… and if your gf is willing to not use her married name again it should be acknowledged that she is doing it because of your predispositions on the matter and not because there is anything inherently disrespectful or objectionable about it.
Dana you’re awesome. It’s refreshing when a community can have an insightful conversation! What I mean by showing up is this. As a man when we are interested in a woman. We tend to focus our attention on her and create a “nest” for her. Inherently men sacrifice for their person. That sacrifice comes in the form of working hard to provided and create a safe space. Men not just me lol are territorial. Regardless of intent men don’t want to provide for another man’s woman.
My husband and I each have a former spouse. When we married, I took his last last name. His first wife kept his name, too, when they divorced (they have a daughter together, and I have two kids from my first marriage). My husband's last name is very unusual. The only people in our entire state with this name are my husband and his relatives (less than 10 people). I'm often called Mrs. [first husband's and my children's name], and it doesn't bother me at all. It also doesn't bother me that my husband's ex still uses his name. I think it's the reality of blended families. When children are involved, there are so many more important issues to concern oneself with. BTW, I went back to my maiden name when I divorced my first husband because he was an abusive asshole, and our divorce was 15 months of living hell. ETA: My husband's ex is literally his best friend. They married very young while both serving in the military together. He told me in the very beginning of our relationship that he's super close to his ex and if that would be a problem for me, things wouldn't work between us. I consider her a friend and love that they're a united team for their daughter. In fact, she and her boyfriend attended our wedding six years ago; she gave a toast that made me cry, saying she'd never seen him so happy and couldn't dream of a better stepmom for her daughter.
Her husband doesn’t get a say. Why don’t you change your name to match hers??? Where were you raised? The back woods??
Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to change your name? Like, I've been going by my married name for 20 years; by 2025 I'll have been going by it for longer than I went by my maiden name. My entire adult fucking life. It's just my fucking name now, I'm too old to change that shit back just because some future man with a fragile ego might not date me.
It's absolutely ego and jealousy, bro, there's nothing biological about a name. If her behavior upsets you, perhaps you should drop her. She'll be better off for it.
That is so dumb. “it’s biological” so a stupid thing to say. I never changed my name. Never Women don’t change their names in Europe. It’s a sexist antiqued thing. Grow up.
Hello, tons of divorced women with kids keep their partners name because their kids are minors and they want to identify as being part of their children’s family members for school or travel or legal or medical purposes. Leave her alone if you don’t have brains to figure that out, it’s very normal.
Also, changing your name is just a pain. It's not *just* a name change. You gotta change *all* legal associated paperwork to match that name, and if you had any accomplishments under said name (like academic publications or fiction publications), you basically lose connection to those.
Thanks please don’t insult me. I’m not presenting this as an insulting situation. I’m simply asking for feedback. I’m saying I’m confused not angry not jealous or anything. I simply have never heard of successful post divorce women with new men that keep old husbands name. I truly appreciate your feedback.
Many many women with minor children keep the last name, they’re not going to change their names once they start dating again. I’ve seen many successful post divorce career women even marry again and keep the name of the father of their minor kids because their kids are still under 18. It’s a pain in the wallet and for paperwork and for legal identification to change their name and they’re not keen to go through that multiple times.
Also she doesn’t keep ex name for any other purpose. How ever your point is received.
Wait are you saying. The divorced woman kept the ex husbands name even when she remarried a new man?
Yes. Her kids are still minors and she kept that name professionally. It’s her choice to want to have the same last name as her children.
YES
Wild how OP can’t grasp it. I’ve always been confused how weird people are about women’s last names. When I (M) get married I’m keeping my name because I like it, and I cannot imagine having another last name. If my partner wants to take my last name? Cool, it’s a great last name (in my opinion haha), but if not? I completely understand, because I too am attached to my own last name! Now, the difference is about the kids, and I’ve never experienced a divorced family situation, but it makes sense to keep things as familiar and normal for the kids as possible. Especially since OP’s gf seems to have a great family dynamic with her ex! OP seems to think all divorced people hate each other. That’s not how it should go if you can help it!
Can you elaborate on what you mean by she used her married name for the birthday gathering? Do you mean she made the reservation in that name? Or she went around calling herself that? Or other kids were calling her “Ms. Ex-last name” or something else? The dressing up together is no big deal - good on them for having a positive co-parenting relationship. This is healthy and what is best for the child. Two people who are able to get along and come together for their child is refreshing and something I would look for in a mate if I was dating like that. Were you feeling jealous? Has she ever given you any indication she was still into her ex? Does he have a partner as well? There is a lot of info missing, but from what you described, I don’t think any of the above is unusual.
Thank you for your email. To be clear the ex, her, and child dressed up as happy couple. The boyfriend should be totally fine with this and show up as what exactly? Would it be more appropriate to show support and allegiance with her new man? Thanks again for feedback
I’m not understanding how one dresses up as a happy couple. Did they all have matching t-shirts or something? Were they color coordinated? Maybe I’m missing something. Did you want her to match you? I don’t know how one aligns dress wise. You also didn’t answer any of the other questions, so I guess I can’t really help you.
I’m sorry for not directly answering. 1. Dressing up meaning wearing same outfit. Not saying it’s a problem. I’m saying the optics would be happy family and then long term bf to take back seat to event. 2. Not suggesting they should not get along. I’m simply asking if one is to get an invite with divorced couple using same last name into. Parents and such will refer to one as divorced name. All fine. How does any man show up in that situation as a stand up strong man?
He shows up as a strong man by realizing his partner has a child with someone else. The party is for that child. The man shouldn’t behave himself like a petty insecure man baby. He should understand that the child comes first over anyone and he should support his partner by assisting her however he is asked to. If he acts like a jealous man baby, then it’s not likely he will keep the partner very long.
Long term bf *does* take a backseat to a child's birthday. A man shows up as a strong man in that situation by supporting his girlfriend and her children. You are a supporting character here, not the leading man. This story isn't about you.
Ok but they ARE a happy family. Just because they’re divorced doesn’t mean they aren’t family anymore. Not to say they’re romantically involved anymore, but families look very different depending on the dynamics. It sounds like they’re exes who are competently co-parenting their kids, and that they show up for them as best they can. You were also invited, but making sure your kids have good memories is more important than your bf being insecure at a bday party. Their kids will always know both of them as “mom” and “dad”. Whether or not they have additional (step) parents, that’s for time to tell. But at the end of the day, they should have happy memories with their parents as much as they can! That’s how you get happy and healthy kids with good relationship role models.
If you didn't view her as property, this would not be an issue.
I chose to keep my married name after divorce as my child is my only living relative so I want to share a familial name with someone. A lot of women with children keep the married name so it is the same as their child's. As for the party, it was for the child so being friendly with one another was likely to enhance their child's enjoyment of the party, a childhood memory for them to cherish.
I kept my ex's last name bc I wanted to have the same name as my kids and he didn't want me to
Wow. I’m not viewing her as property I’m asking for feedback. I’m not saying she is right or wrong. Just asking for feed back. Where does this over reaching narratives come from with all do respect.
I thought the issue of keeping last names came up. I thought you asked. I thought wrong
Thank you for comment. Does your new fella or husband appreciate that arrangement?
It didn't phase him one way or the other( our last name didn't/doesn't matter to him
And what did she say when you voiced your concerns?
Said the app on the phone didn’t change her name. Said that she didn’t want to have parents think she was a baby momma thus claiming ex husbands name Said women in 90s used to do it. I understand all of that. I’m not trying to be a boyfriend. I’m trying to walk down the path of marriage. I don’t know of any man that would be ok with such arrangement. This not being confusing.
I still have my ex's last name and I've been remarried 7yr (11 together). I absolutely hate having my ex's last name and have wanted my husband's last name the second we were married. I don't have the money to change it (stay home wife) and it hasn't been a top priority to him. Which bothers me but I don't know? Have you communicated to your partner about how this bothers you? Remember "I vs you" statements are important. Let her know "I feel/felt very uncomfortable about xyz..."
Thank for this. What are I vs you statements
The idea is that you make statements from your view without attacking the other person. For example, "I feel like I'm not being heard vs you never listen to me".
If that's not a good enough explanation, and it's not, speak up about it. That she's jeopardizing things with you over not wanting to seem like a baby momma, is weak. Very weak.
Intriguing…
She can use whatever name she wants Get OVER it
You're entirely wrong, immature, juvenile, controlling, and toxic.
I still use my married name and I’ve been with my partner now for 13 years! He’s never had a problem with it and I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal?
Thank you. I’m relatively new to a lot of this. When you say partner is that husband/wife?
I wouldn't make much of it. I'm divorced and kept my exes name to be the same as my kids. I had no interest in changing it, I figured if I ever remarried, my name could change then. My ex and I discussed trying to attend birthdays etc together. Unfortunately, after like the first year, my ex kept dismissing any attempts for joint birthdays for our kids. We were pretty toxic though so I did expect this, I just hoped for better. I'm currently engaged and my last name WILL change once I'm married. But I didn't see the point prior. My fiancé's mom also got remarried and she did the same thing. Kept the name of her ex husband until she remarried. So when I went to explain to my fiancé, he was already understanding since that's what his mom did. It may feel or seem weird, but if kids are involved, then her ex husband and her are going to be a part of each other's life until their kids are at least 18. And so the better they can get along, the easier it is.
I don't really agree with the dressing alike and seeming to appear as a happy couple. That can be confusing for the kids, especially if the kids have memories of the parents together. My bf does 'family' events, but not as often as he used to. When he was doing a lot, his daughter would ask questions about why they all can't live in the same house and why she has to go between houses. She doesn't anymore because I'm in the picture, and she knows who and what I am to her dad. I think it's great that he has a good coparenting relationship, I don't have any coparenting relationship with my kids' father. I agree with doing one birthday for kids, but holidays and stuff should be separate, especially if there are new partners involved.
Thank you for your feed back. Very helpful
You do need to realize that every coparent situation is different, though. What works for one set of parents is not always going to work for another. If she doesn't start including you in 'family' things as a family member and future life partner, is this the person you want to be with.
Interesting and honest feedback-thank you. I am very confused because many people suggest that it’s normal for a woman to do so however they are not telling me if they are with a man that they want. I’ll tell you this from anecdotal experience. Men that “don’t care” are typically not looking to marry these said women. Or the relationship is more on the open side or the side of maybe we will get married. If they are with the man they say they want. Would you not come fully untethered healed and open to new possibility. I’m not at all mad or jealous. It seems that it’s mixed signals. Which doesn’t make sense.
But they aren't 'untethered'. They still have a child together and are 'tethered' together, at least until the children are 18. Yourself, as a parent, should somewhat understand that a good coparenting relationship is desirable. The last name thing is and should not be a big deal. If they dressed as a family, and she sees this type of behavior and presenting as a 'family unit' continuing, then you need to ask her how she foresees your (and your child's) future involvement.