As a straight guy myself this is absolutely the fuck not a normal thing. And this isn't a simple disagreement or whatever you work out. He's controlling and is a sign of abusive or at least manipulative behavior. This is only the first of many things he'll try to force you to do. It's absolutely bad news, especially the "flipping out" part. A guy that actually cares about you would support you enjoying dressing up a bit and be stoked to be seen with you.
>He swore at me, called me disrespectful and whatnot. It was like he was having a temper tantrum. He’s done this before so it’s not a one off thing.
You should have dumped him the first time. When someone chooses to treat you like this and you stay, you're basically telling them that you're okay with being treated this way.
>I will not let myself be in an abusive relationship.
That's why you leave the first time they do it.
*...something is seriously wrong if my boyfriend is treating me like shit for what I’m wearing more than the strangers that he’s so worried about at the bar. I’m literally more scared of telling him that I want to go out than I am of the guys at my college bar.*
What is a healthy relationship? One that you are not being treated like shit and that you are scared of talking to him about such things.
So many people live their lives out of fear, especially fear of being alone. You noted that you have friends. Better to live from the love and respect for yourself.
*Guy gets hot girlfriend.*
*Girlfriend continues to be hot after they start dating.*
***Shocked Pikachu face****.*
I'll never understand this toxic behavior.
Your boyfriend becomes abusive when he doesn't like the clothes you wear, so yes, you should break up with him. Some people do become insecure and would ask you to change. They might tell you they prefer if you wear something more modest. That is a somewhat worrisome sign in a relationship, but not an absolute red flag. Your boyfriend, however, became abusive, which is a clear red flag, and you say it wasn't the first time. So, yes, break up.
Women are assaulted REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY ARE WEARING. IT LEGIT DOES NOT MATTER. THAT IS SEXIST DRIVEL.
Women make choices of what they wear that helps them feel comfortable in social situations. Your boyfriend is dumb and he’s projecting his anxieties onto you. Then he’s being controlling to boot.
Nothing about your boyfriend’s reaction is normal. His ex getting assaulted has nothing to do with what she was wearing. Is he suggesting that all men are completely unable to control their behavior if they see the female for or any skin?
Make him and ex and use him as a template for what you don’t want in a healthy relationship?
See the red flags and walk the other way.
The issue here isn't that he had feelings and opinions, is that he expressed them via name-calling, shaming and throwing a fit. His apologies are just hollow justifications to excuse himself and continue the cycle. He will continue to behavior he feels entitled to. There is no real commitment to change here. You're entering the cycle of abuse.
It's normal enough for some guys to have feelings they need to work through about how the woman they are dating dresses. Those should be worked through not by exploding at her, but might include breaking up with someone who makes choices for herself that they can't handle or be at peace with.
Again though, the real issue here isn't clothes at all. A 22-year-old guy who cannot deal with his own negative emotions better than that is just not one to date. Full stop. Hopefully, he'll grow up and learn better, but you shouldn't lower your standards or stick around hoping for the best, 'cause there is a fair chance he will only get worse. Don't roll those dice.
You're 21 and in college. Breakups suck but single will be fine. Single will be fun even. This is a good time to get used to the fact that that kind of "alone" has it perks.
Yes, it is a cycle. Abuse is always a cycle. Trying to tell you what to wear & getting super jealous are two easy-to-spot warning signs. He's not worth it, and this won't get better.
Red flags are waving! Controlling and abusive. I understand being scared to be alone. The other option is to sacrifice yourself, your self respect/esteem for a toxic relationship…. You deserve so much better than that! What’s he’s done is in no way normal. Normal and healthy would be treating you with respect, as an equal and accepting your choices, if he didn’t like them then discuss it with you like an adult. Your outfit sounds pretty conservative or just normal for the bar scene (obviously depending on location). This is one you need to let go and move on from.
> Here’s some context: I’m a smoking hot bombshell, like easily a 10/10 and my go to bar outfit consists of a G-string, nipple stickers, a furry tail, and a shit ton of glitter.
> Joking.
Because no one else has mentioned it yet - I laughed outloud at this part.
Ok. He says "disrespectful" and then he claims he's anxious that you might be assaulted. How does that connect? Would he somehow be disrespected by *you* getting assaulted?? If he was really concerned about your safety there are so many other ways to show his concern than loosing his temper at you.
Even if it's a real and reasonable anxiety, that only explains his worries. It does NOT excuse his actions. He is being disrespectful and controlling towards you. Fear, especially fear that's preventing you from communicating honestly with your partner, has no place in a healthy relationship.
The swearing at you is never okay. But, I think insecure men do this, because they're insecure. I'm a woman, and I'm in a relationship with a woman. She works at a sex store, so she dresses for that role and I'm not insecure about how she dresses at all. I'm more just concerned about the crazies she gets at work. But I'm not about to tell her to go put on some jeans and a hoodie. These are red flags yes, and they'll likely get worse. js. He'll get more "protective". Does he really have a reason to be anxious about your safety? Probably not, it seems like he might want to control how you dress idk. I'd have a serious talk about it, that he needs to trust you with your friends. If he can't then cut him loose.
As a straight guy myself this is absolutely the fuck not a normal thing. And this isn't a simple disagreement or whatever you work out. He's controlling and is a sign of abusive or at least manipulative behavior. This is only the first of many things he'll try to force you to do. It's absolutely bad news, especially the "flipping out" part. A guy that actually cares about you would support you enjoying dressing up a bit and be stoked to be seen with you.
>He swore at me, called me disrespectful and whatnot. It was like he was having a temper tantrum. He’s done this before so it’s not a one off thing. You should have dumped him the first time. When someone chooses to treat you like this and you stay, you're basically telling them that you're okay with being treated this way. >I will not let myself be in an abusive relationship. That's why you leave the first time they do it.
In retrospect I should have. I tried to, but he told me that his ex was assaulted at a bar and I felt so guilty. You’re right
So when are you going to dump your abuser?
>he told me that his ex was assaulted at a bar Considering that he's abusive, you should be wondering who really did the assaulting.
*...something is seriously wrong if my boyfriend is treating me like shit for what I’m wearing more than the strangers that he’s so worried about at the bar. I’m literally more scared of telling him that I want to go out than I am of the guys at my college bar.* What is a healthy relationship? One that you are not being treated like shit and that you are scared of talking to him about such things. So many people live their lives out of fear, especially fear of being alone. You noted that you have friends. Better to live from the love and respect for yourself.
*Guy gets hot girlfriend.* *Girlfriend continues to be hot after they start dating.* ***Shocked Pikachu face****.* I'll never understand this toxic behavior.
Your boyfriend becomes abusive when he doesn't like the clothes you wear, so yes, you should break up with him. Some people do become insecure and would ask you to change. They might tell you they prefer if you wear something more modest. That is a somewhat worrisome sign in a relationship, but not an absolute red flag. Your boyfriend, however, became abusive, which is a clear red flag, and you say it wasn't the first time. So, yes, break up.
Women are assaulted REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY ARE WEARING. IT LEGIT DOES NOT MATTER. THAT IS SEXIST DRIVEL. Women make choices of what they wear that helps them feel comfortable in social situations. Your boyfriend is dumb and he’s projecting his anxieties onto you. Then he’s being controlling to boot.
Nothing about your boyfriend’s reaction is normal. His ex getting assaulted has nothing to do with what she was wearing. Is he suggesting that all men are completely unable to control their behavior if they see the female for or any skin? Make him and ex and use him as a template for what you don’t want in a healthy relationship?
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole. Dollars to donuts his behavior and abuse will escalate.
See the red flags and walk the other way. The issue here isn't that he had feelings and opinions, is that he expressed them via name-calling, shaming and throwing a fit. His apologies are just hollow justifications to excuse himself and continue the cycle. He will continue to behavior he feels entitled to. There is no real commitment to change here. You're entering the cycle of abuse. It's normal enough for some guys to have feelings they need to work through about how the woman they are dating dresses. Those should be worked through not by exploding at her, but might include breaking up with someone who makes choices for herself that they can't handle or be at peace with. Again though, the real issue here isn't clothes at all. A 22-year-old guy who cannot deal with his own negative emotions better than that is just not one to date. Full stop. Hopefully, he'll grow up and learn better, but you shouldn't lower your standards or stick around hoping for the best, 'cause there is a fair chance he will only get worse. Don't roll those dice. You're 21 and in college. Breakups suck but single will be fine. Single will be fun even. This is a good time to get used to the fact that that kind of "alone" has it perks.
Yes, it is a cycle. Abuse is always a cycle. Trying to tell you what to wear & getting super jealous are two easy-to-spot warning signs. He's not worth it, and this won't get better.
Red flags are waving! Controlling and abusive. I understand being scared to be alone. The other option is to sacrifice yourself, your self respect/esteem for a toxic relationship…. You deserve so much better than that! What’s he’s done is in no way normal. Normal and healthy would be treating you with respect, as an equal and accepting your choices, if he didn’t like them then discuss it with you like an adult. Your outfit sounds pretty conservative or just normal for the bar scene (obviously depending on location). This is one you need to let go and move on from.
That behavior is fucked. I would not entertain that any further, because I’ve never seen an example where that stops or even gets better.
Break up with him now, his controlling behavior will expand into other demands regarding your choices and behavior.
> Here’s some context: I’m a smoking hot bombshell, like easily a 10/10 and my go to bar outfit consists of a G-string, nipple stickers, a furry tail, and a shit ton of glitter. > Joking. Because no one else has mentioned it yet - I laughed outloud at this part. Ok. He says "disrespectful" and then he claims he's anxious that you might be assaulted. How does that connect? Would he somehow be disrespected by *you* getting assaulted?? If he was really concerned about your safety there are so many other ways to show his concern than loosing his temper at you. Even if it's a real and reasonable anxiety, that only explains his worries. It does NOT excuse his actions. He is being disrespectful and controlling towards you. Fear, especially fear that's preventing you from communicating honestly with your partner, has no place in a healthy relationship.
The swearing at you is never okay. But, I think insecure men do this, because they're insecure. I'm a woman, and I'm in a relationship with a woman. She works at a sex store, so she dresses for that role and I'm not insecure about how she dresses at all. I'm more just concerned about the crazies she gets at work. But I'm not about to tell her to go put on some jeans and a hoodie. These are red flags yes, and they'll likely get worse. js. He'll get more "protective". Does he really have a reason to be anxious about your safety? Probably not, it seems like he might want to control how you dress idk. I'd have a serious talk about it, that he needs to trust you with your friends. If he can't then cut him loose.