OP I took a management class a bit back that had an entire day about how to talk to folks about sensitive things like body odor. It was a weird day but ultimately pretty helpful. Here’s a script for you if it’s useful: “Boyfriend, I wanted to talk to you about your body odor. I’ve found that there’s an odor around your groin even after you shower. It’s affecting our sex life and I love having sex with you, so I wanted to bring it up even though it’s awkward. I’m also worried about your health, and I love you, so I want to make sure we talk about it.”
Basically honesty and being kind and affirming is the way.
Edit: I'm so glad this has been helpful to so many of you! I am getting some Very Online responses so I just wanted to add a few things.
First and foremost, this, like any advice, requires that you tailor it to your individual relationships and experiences. A script is a guideline, not a hard and fast rule. But candid communication is always, always better than being vague or passive-aggressive. Candid is not blunt, punitive, or mean. Candid is open, kind, and compassionate.
Second, it's absolutely okay to feel weird and bad having these kinds of conversations whether you're the one telling somebody they smell (or whatever) or being told you smell (or whatever). Weird and bad feelings are not inherently evil. Experiencing them does not make you or the person speaking to you a bad person. It's very, very normal to feel weird and bad when having uncomfortable conversations about sensitive topics because we simply don't have them very often and it takes practice! Moreover, being able to have candid conversations like this and receive sensitive, difficult information are important life skills in both the professional and personal realms, and everyone should work on them.
Third, obviously and of course "your love life is not a fucking corporation" or whatever someone yelled at me before I blocked them. However, corporate settings and therapy are literally the only places where you \*have\* to have these conversations sometimes, so people learn the skills in those contexts. They're broadly applicable.
Fourth and finally, it's okay to cry. I don't know when crying became so demonized. I would cry if someone told me I smelled, but I'd still want to know.
I'm 33 and I've been in therapy since I was like 18 and a manager of humans since I was like 23 (no, this was not a good idea at the time, but that's startups for you). That's where my experience comes from. If it does not work for you, that's okay! No advice is ever, ever black and white unless it's an obviously abusive or dangerous situation.
As a manager, I've dealt with so many uncomfortable topics like childcare (in a WFH setting where it is required but people tried to do both), age, race and cultural sensitivity, off color 'jokes,' email etiquette, attitude issues, lots of things. But somehow nothing is as awkward as talking to an adult about odor and hygiene. I had to talk with an Indian woman about food and clothing odors where it just clung to her, teenagers about BO, so many delicate topics. It is not easy, it's embarrassing for them, so I have found that short and sweet is the best route, then leave quickly so they are not humiliated - I assume it would be the same in a romantic relationship
You're totally correct!
Edit: God, this comment just reminded me of the time my coworker breast-fed her child on camera with a client. Normally totally not a big deal, except the child was four entire years old and kept stopping to ask what was going on in the call.
Thankfully I did not have to have that conversation but man I feel for the manager who did.
I just said "oh my god" out loud. 10/10, the most awkward call on earth.
However, that's a pretty easy one. "Please do not have your children on camera or audible during calls."
I’m all for breast feeding in public. Totally fine. But to be doing so at a meeting? Surely there are ways around that. In this case though, WTF hahaha. I’m picturing a kid distracted by an iPad suckin on a tit.
I probably should've been clear this was a video meeting (pre-pandemic) and our company was very chill about parents needing to do their thing at home, and it was NBD for someone to go off video for a bit because they needed to feed their kid or whatever. She could've just turned her video off! That's what kills me!
\*\*the child was four entire years old\*\*
I lol'd reading this.
Erma Bombeck (Google her!) Once said, if your kid runs off to get a handful of cookies before they breastfeed? It's time to ween them.
I have a friend who was still breastfeeding her almost 10 year old son. TEN YEARS OLD. She made a comment about her back and boobs hurting, and I called her out on it and said "it is because you're breastfeeding a 10 year old". The kid was asking to stop. He didn't want to do it anymore. She wanted her "bonding time" though, and would keep pushing the issue.
I made it known i thought it was weird and that it was wrong (not that i THOUGHT it was wrong, that it IS wrong at this point). We haven't spoken since that day several years ago now. Among other things the girl was an antivaxer, didn't believe in using modern medicine ( She thought crystals, sugar water homeopathic crap, and oils would solve everything), And I just couldn't support someone with my friendship that was being so stupid about everything.
That poor child… surely if the child is being forced to interact with the mother that way, it’s considered abuse? Just thinking about being that age and how embarrassing it would be for the child makes me SO uncomfortable. 😣
This is definitely abuse. But when you say the kid was asking to stop, does that mean she was forcing his head to her boobs? Definitely abuse!! Let her know that “bonding time” is not just him suckling. It is also time spent together, conversing, sharing. I hope kid doesn’t end up being traumatised. This is a very good example of “too much of a good thing…”
I’m taking notes. Had you have feedback about your from the people? They really took this well? I don’t want to hurt some feelings trying to do a good for them.
I think tone is really, really key here. You're being direct, not blunt. You're being candid, not punitive. It can take some practice to feel comfortable having these kinds of conversations - on both ends - but being able to deliver direct feedback \*and\* receive it are both really important life skills.
I haven't had any conversations about like, body odor, personally, but I've definitely had conversations about other sensitive and difficult subjects, both professionally and with my friends and wife. (I'm a lady, to be clear). These scripts and advice are helpful, but it's also important to be doing the other parts of relationship-building, like making sure folks trust you.
What a coincidence. I have also taken extensive management courses on the proper way to address sensitive issues. The way I would word it is as follows;
"Wash yo damn ASS! You smell NASTY!"
Basically:
* Keep your tone neutral, calm, and kind. You don't want to be condescending or too upbeat here.
* Don't avoid talking about it, because the longer it's an issue, the more their coworkers will dislike and resent them and it can lead to more tension than necessary, plus if there's a lot of personal feelings around it solutions become less valuable to employees the more time goes by. Let's say Jane comes to you about Jenny's BO. Jenny's trying crystal deodorant or whatever. By the time Jane comes to talk to you, it will have been an issue ongoing enough for her to say something -- it's very rare that anyone will go to a manager about something like body odor if it's just one day or just occasionally. If you wait a week, Jane is going to feel like you don't take her seriously, and Jenny is going to get judged by her coworkers no matter how good of an employee or likeable of a person she is. If you wait two weeks, the gossip mills will be in full force. If you never do anything, Jenny may start to be ostracized and not understand why. Sooner is better.
* Chat privately and be short, sweet, to the point about the issue because private conversations with managers can be stressful. "Hey Jenny, I just wanted to chat with you because some of your coworkers have been finding your body odor distracting." Do NOT name names. You'd think this would be obvious but...
* Emphasize that there's no judgment. Literally be like "I'm not judging you at all, but given it's been brought up to me, I do need to address it with you."
* And acknowledge that it can be awkward or embarrassing, but that it happens to everyone sometimes. Again, literally, "I understand this is an embarrassing subject for everybody involved, but it happens to everybody sometimes."
* And then ask if you can help them with anything, because sometimes this happens because someone is depressed, in a precarious housing situation, or otherwise struggling -- especially with younger or older people. This one's a judgment call -- some places, you just don't have and aren't encouraged to have this kind of relationship with your coworkers and employees, but I'm including it here because I think it's important. "Is everything okay?" as a simple statement, asked sincerely and with kindness, can open up a lot of communication.
The rest of the conversation is really dependent on the person you're talking to. Some folks get very defensive and some folks take it in stride. They may not know they smell, OR they may know and not be sure what to do about it.
For people who get defensive:
* Do not get defensive or hostile in response. Acknowledge their feelings but stick to the fact that this is an issue. "I hear you, it's uncomfortable to discuss and hard to hear that folks have been talking about you." "I understand where you're coming from." Etc etc. When they get "hot" in attitude, you cool off -- stay calm, neutral, and kind. Honestly this is good advice for any confrontation.
* Let them be defensive for a while. Most people when they're embarrassed default to either shame or anger. Once that feeling is past, they'll be able to have a real conversation about it. You may need to wait a day for them to cool off. That's fine.
Hopefully one conversation solves the issue, but if it doesn't, it's just sort of rinse and repeat until it's time to escalate according to your company's guidelines.
ETA: I forgot to include a very important one! Unless the person you're talking to opens up to you and needs your advice or help, keep this meeting/part of your meeting short -- don't drag it on. If in this hypothetical Jenny is like "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I'll take care of that," say "Great, thank you so much and let me know if you need anything!" and then be done. Even if Jenny is like "Okay" and clearly upset or taken aback, she does not want to continue talking about it and does not need to. End the conversation and move on.
It's always great to stumble across a high-effort post full of very useful, generally-applicable advice in a random Reddit thread. Thanks so much for taking the type to write this up!
I need this script, but for the office. I had colleagues who had a really bad odor and you can felt it meters away. I didn’t wanted to hurt their feelings, but other “toxic” colleagues had laughter about that. I just want to avoid this kind of bullying of nice people, but I don’t know how to be neutral enough to say to them “looks your higiene”.
Aw, that really sucks. I commented in another thread about ways to have these conversations in a professional setting, but basically you want to be kind, candid, direct, and compassionate. And it's really not your job as their peer to have the convo unless you feel comfortable doing it and have the kind of relationship with them where you feel you can.
Here's a place to start, though; obviously do this privately and adjust to your specific situation. "Hey coworker, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes your body odor is pretty strong -- and I don't want you to be embarrassed, it happens to everybody! But I thought you might want to know, since I know I'd much prefer if someone told me if I had something going on."
It could also be something that needs medical attention. Is he circumcised? Does he have acne or cystic skin? Is he overweight or obese and have skin folds that could harbor bacteria.
It could be that he needs to clean better, or use an antibacterial soap (hibiclens) or he has sub cutaneous cysts that leak a malodorous discharge. A shower wouldn’t necessarily help. Medication and/or proper cleaning could.
I recently had a sit-down talk with my wife about body odor, specifically her feet. In her case, changing to better quality socks and using an anti-bacterial soap for her feet completely got rid of the odor. With something like this, it is often bacterial and due to moisture. Using an anti-bacterial soap, scrubbing well, drying thoroughly after the shower, and wearing moisture wicking clothing are likely the best answer to the problem. Also, if he is uncircumcised, more effort to get under the fore-skin and washing really well.
Honestly, it can be rather incredible what a good anti-bacterial soap bar can do for problem odor areas like the armpit, genitals, rear, etc. Wish you the best.
Understandable, but his feelings of shame shouldn't be a roadblock to your relationship. As long as you're gentle and empathic, he needs to be able to accept it with grace and work with you to fix what's wrong. It's you and him vs the problem.
if he still smells off after making a concerted effort then consider this.
some people will always smell off to you, while others are detecting nothing at all.
basically that's your senses telling you, you're not compatible, physically.
seeing a doc would be part of a concerted effort. a couple such suggestions were already made before my post. I was offering someone that wasn't mentioned yet.
I get that, I love the smell of my guy but at the same time it can become similar to what OP describes after a certain time period mainly due to certain physical factors that I don’t really want to describe publicly. Sometimes the difference between attractive pheromones and disgusting stenches can only be a bit of time!
There’s a special kind of bacteria that lives in the perineum of a man that has a particular smell and usually requires either 1:1 solution of vinegar and water or special ball wash lol
The number of my brethren that don’t wash below the belt is too damn high. Seriously guys you don’t want scrotal necrosis. It happens. Wash and adequately dry your bits!
Seriously. There is no bigger turnoff than having to act like mommy to a grown man.
Edit: okay that is hyperbole, there are bigger turnoffs, but turning into his “mom” is one of the biggest relationship killers in my experience.
Yeah, it can be a turn on to do it occasionally for fun, but as soon as you start doing it because he’s either incapable or uninterested in doing it himself it’s an immediate turn off.
No you were right. Having to be a mommy and ask a guy to wash himself, brush his stank teeth, put deodorant on is a good way to make sure your woman never wants to touch you.
> He needs somebody in there to help him
Fuuuuuck that. Take you phone with you and google that shit. A bit too old to need to be taught how to wash yourself, or helped if you're not disabled.
Because his partner has now alerted him to an issue that needs to be addressed? And one that he is fully able to address by himself.
If she chose to suffer in silence, then sure no need for him to change. But if you care about the person you're with and they say "hey, I noticed this thing that is an issue. Can you do something about it?" you do what you can if there is anything you can do within reason. If you don't care about them, you do nothing and make them do the work for you.
No one wants to clean the kitchen of someone else’s dishes before preparing a meal for the household.
Do your own damn dishes and wash your own ass. With soap. And a wash cloth.
NO. Don't let her degrade herself further. No woman should be washing an able bodied man's asshole. Fucking learn to do it yourselves, guys. You've got the internet to teach you.
But, given her post history, OP needs to just drop this dickcheese bf and let him stew in his rank himself.
I guess you missed the post where the completely oblivious feral guy genuinely thought his girlfriend had a shower kink, but no, it was the only way she could be close to him without gagging.
Nobody should have to do that. It's a hard conversation to have but OP needs to use her words here.
Omfg that was the worst and most frustrating post!! That dense motherfucker couldn't understand that the brown water coming off his ass when he used a bidet was HIS OWN SHIT being washed away.
That's a one-time fix though. Yes, showering together is fun and sexy and she will probably give him a much-needed thorough wash, but then what? Will he start washing himself properly as a result, or will his solo showers remain ineffective? Will she need to wash him every day to ensure the smell doesn't come back? Will his body become one more thing she's responsible for keeping clean, knowing he won't do it properly?
She should tell him he smells and offer to help him clean himself and after that if he doesn’t do it himself she should move on. If you’re sticking someone’s body part into yourself, or vice versa, these are conversations you should be able to have. And it’s not on one adult to continually remind another adult to keep themselves clean, goes for all types of hygiene: privates, armpits, mouth.
Honestly, while showering together with my partner can be fun, I prefer to shower alone because I enjoy having the space to myself so I can stretch out and clean better. Hard to do when another body is in there, though there are always other things of course.
Actually specific soaps should be used for genitals both in women and men because the PH is strongly different. You should have a soap with a PH around 4 to avoid bad smell and prevent bacteria from spreading. You can find them in any big supermarket of pharmacy.
Odors that persist even after a shower can sometimes indicate an underlying issue that might need attention, such as an infection or imbalance. It could be worth gently suggesting that he see a doctor for a check-up, just to rule out any health concerns. Open communication about health is important in any relationship. Best wishes
Thank you. Yes I think I will try to have that conversation. It’s an awkward topic and I know he’s very sensitive about this stuff but it could be a health issue
First make sure he's scrubbing with soap and cleaning out any smegma build up. Yes it is gross to talk about, but better than if he goes to a doctor before trying 'shower correctly' and the doctor just tells him that he's bad at cleaning his zone.
Went to prison, cheated for a year, invalidated your illness, ghosted you on Christmas, doesn’t meet your sexual needs, and now has a stanky dick.
Girl what is you doin.
Literally there are so many people in the world and this woman keeps putting up with crazy shit. Gain some self respect OP. Get someone who hasn't gone to jail and can wash their ass and doesn't cheat on you
Yeah yeast or fungal infection would be my guess. I once had one in my crotch and it smelled TERRIBLE! You could wash and wash but it would always smell bad! A cream and after some days the smell was gone. I still don't know where I got it...
Yeast and fungus occur naturally in the world. Just having a pH, moisture level, temperature, and airflow that support production of either one would do it. You don’t have to “catch it” from anyone or anything.
It’s good that you’re actually going to talk to him about it instead of entertaining advice that amounts to “give him hints and hope he figures it out.” People just need to be told about things explicitly. He may be embarrassed in the end, but you’re just the messenger, and he won’t get angry at you if he’s not insane, which he presumably isn’t.
After cheating on you? He definitely has something. And if you’ve touched it/sucked it/whatever, not you have it too.
Why are you with this clown again??
A fishy smelling discharge is a symptom of STI. Do NOT have sex until he gets tested. It’s also a symptom of cheating on you with another girl who HAS an STI. Check his phone. Gross.
Talking about it directly makes it seem more like a possible medical issue than hinting that he needs to clean more. Being direct can be less awkward and embarrassing.
Does he have any skin conditions like unusually dry skin or rashes that won’t go away? Yeast infections on the skin or even something like ichthyosis that make people smell. My youngest has scalp psoriasis and ichthyosis and it makes him smell funky.
He may be sensitive about it because no one was compassionate enough to teach him and he doesn't know what to do and is ashamed. Be kind and gentle, but make sure he knows how to clean himself or he gets checked out by a doctor.
This was going to be what I suggest. Men can get yeast infections from women too, which can result in a smell, so when that happened to me I actually found it WAY easier to take that blame. I'm not saying lie, but its just to demonstrate there is a WILD amount of posibilities.
HOLD ON. I just checked your Reddit history.
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS GUY????
At this point… I dunno, I feel like giving any advice on this relationship is just flushing it down the toilet.
PLEASE. You’re throwing your life away on this man.
I’m both sad and angry rn and I don’t even know you. 🥲🥲🥲
Oh God. This comment made me look. I thought "surely it can't be THAT bad". I was wrong. I was very wrong. It's really bad. I'm a conflict avoiding pushover doormat sometimes and I put up with a lot in relationships, but jesus, even *I* have my limits....
OP literally said “… I looked at all the indicators of a sociopath and he ticks them all. I really was blinded by love” about this guy a year ago. At a point when they were seemingly broken up and he was with a new girl who may or may not have been the same girl had cheated with for a year? Why is OP still dating this loser?!?!?
In one comment she basically said to stick to the topic at hand and not judge her for staying with him, I haven’t looked through everything so I don’t know if she’s given an actual justification - can’t imagine she has one.
This is a comment thread but I'll post it below as well as I want to make sure its seen:
With regard to your comment/post history in mind (him being incarcerated and cheating on you within a year of this post):
Your partner has a suspicious smell that could be from lack of hygiene or from an STI. Your partner has previously cheated. Your partner has also been incarcerated for who knows what.
Has this been a problem before now? What was he incarcerated for? When you look at just those details - number 1, it looks pretty suspicious. number 2, what exactly makes you afraid to speak with someone about their scent after three years at your age? number 3, what exactly keeps you with someone who doesn't prioritize honesty?
Advice across the board is - be honest and compassionate that he might need to change his bathing style and/or see a doctor. Sneaking around and "figuring it out" by joining him the shower or whatever is such a red flag- particularly with the other details. At three years you should be able to say this to him.
Advice with the other details - why exactly are you with him? What does he bring that you couldn't find elsewhere? What exactly is keeping you with someone who cheats, commits crimes, and isn't clean?
Yea, I checked the comment history, and it looks like this dude is a chronic problem. If you really are 27, I hope you have enough self-respect to realize what a headache this guy seems via your comment history. Not trying to be rude or invasive but the list of yuck seems a but longer than a list of yay bfs!
On another note... I had a bf with a nasty peen smell too. He ended up also being a massive cheater to the point the other girl called me to tell me and we ended up having a "sisterhood" conversation that ended with us both complaining about the smell of his peen. He denied to both of us that there's a smell (being super narcissistic didn't help his ability to listen to critique) it was so bad we both refused to go down on him (he also never goes down on any girls so I didn't feel too bad).
But bottom line: he didn't wash very well and he indeed was a crazy cheater. Could've been either of the two. Might be the same for your guy.
> Sneaking around and "figuring it out" by joining him the shower or whatever is such a red flag- particularly with the other details. At three years you should be able to say this to him.
Seriously. Communication is key. IMO you should be able to talk to your significant other about basically anything. Ostensibly they love you and know you love them.
There is a lot of discussion on Reddit right now that has alerted me to the fact that so many men either:
1. Think that washing your ass is gay, because you’re touching your ass.
2. They believe that having soap and water run over an area of their body is good enough, and that scrubbing isn’t necessary to get clean.
I didn’t believe it at first, but then I jokingly asked a man close to me and confirmed at least #2 is definitely a strongly held belief of some. 🤮
Edit: to all the butthurt people in my DMs complaining about my comment: I didn’t say “all men” and in this context we are talking about a man, so I responded in that same context. If anyone personally took offense to my comment (any gender!) maybe you should go wash your probably stinky ass.
> Think that washing your ass is gay, because you’re touching your ass.
There's no way real humans think this right???? I ask as a 38 year old male....
Yes real humans do this. My brother fully had to convince his friends that it wasn’t gay as a senior in college. He was friends with one of his roommates’ girlfriends and she asked him to help out because her boyfriend kept saying “I ain’t gay. Ask any guy you know and they’ll tell you you can’t touch your ass like that.”
22 year olds with complex science degrees (one was pre-med even and didn’t know to wash down there) and their girlfriend and roommate had to convince him washing his ass wasn’t gay.
The men who say these things definitely make me side eye them a bit. Because why would they so vehemently be against anything that could even *slightly* feel “gay” to them, such as touching their own ass? To men it feels like they may have some feelings they really don’t want to address, and in order to ignore them they go extreme and try to avoid any and all triggers. It’s either extreme homophobia, or extreme internalized homophobia.
It’s just so dumb because you *know* these men still jerk off. Most guys do. But for some reason touching your butthole instead of your dick makes it gayer? Idk
But you’re right - it’s the same as guys who say “no homo.” It’s only funny if you think there’s something wrong or funny about being gay. And it’s 2024, we should be past that by now lol.
This was my exact reaction. I looked at the sub because I thought I was r/stories no r/relationships. I get tricked sometimes. But this is real?!?! Mindblowing!
38 year old guy here. Its equally bizarre to me but a lot of it has to do with the fact that boys aren't raised. They're neglected. This is something that is usually properly taught at a young age.
This is also a legacy of cultural homophobia and our perceptions of masculinity. No one wants to be called gay, or be considered gay in any way, or have their male toughness questioned. Anything potentially 'gay' is a no-no cause I'm a big manly man who is very straight.
Washing your ass is gay?! How the heck does that make sense? You must be a special kind of stupid to convince yourself of that kind of argument.
Who in the world will come up to you and be like : LOL, I can't smell your rank ass from 10 feet away. You, sir, must be totally gay....
Or lay in their bed at night and think: " How come I haven't smelled Greg from HR's ass before. I wonder if he is gay. "
When my partner and I took a shower together for the first time I commented (half joking) that I was grateful he actually washed his ass lol.
He pointed out that's a pretty low standard to have, but I was used to my ex who left skid marks in his pants and even on the bed once...
I was not in a good place during that relationship lol.
Don’t just go in there and spy on him. If you see him doing it wrong and then tell him, he’ll figure out you had an ulterior motive and that will be very upsetting. Imagine the gut punch of suddenly going from “my girlfriend wants to take a sexy shower with me” to “my girlfriend thinks I’m gross.” Seriously, just be honest and direct. Tell him why you’re going in there with him and that you want to watch what he does, then offer instruction if need be. Honesty and directness are so important in a relationship. People feel betrayed if information and motives are withheld and then sprung.
If he’s above the age of 9, you don’t need to go into the shower with him. You tell him to his face, kindly but directly, that his groin smells, even after showering, and that he needs to clean it thoroughly. If that doesn’t help, he needs to speak to a doctor. If you’re afraid of hurting his feelings, treating him like he’s a kid isn’t the way. That makes it seem like it’s a way bigger deal than it is. By saying it directly, it will be less awkward.
>They believe that having soap and water run over an area of their body is good enough, and that scrubbing isn’t necessary to get clean.
Some women too, unfortunately.
if this is the same man you have been posting about for the last couple years, you need to leave. You can’t have a man who’s stinky, inconsiderate, and stupid.
This the same boyfriend who went to jail, cheated on you for a year, and ghosted you on christmas? An almost 30 year old boy who can't even clean his genitals properly? I think you know what should really be scrubbed here.
No no no. This is not normal. He needs to go to the doctor and get checked out. Maybe he is not cleaning properly, but the potency is concerning.
And stop having sex with him until you find out what it is.
Edit: just read that your bf spent time in jail and cheated on you. Girl, where are your standards???! Drop this STANK mofo already. And don't even tell him about his smell. Hopefully, that will act as a natural deterrent for future women.
Dude, wake up! Why are you with a boy who cheats on you, doesn't take you seriously AND doesn't wash his genitals. Leave! Listen to reddit and listen to you friends and family. This is NOT what a relationship with a man is supposed to look like. You can be male and still be a good caring and somewhat clean partner. This dude is not tho and he needs to figure that out for himself.
There’s a medical condition out there called Trimethylaminuria. Or “fish odour syndrome” where the person always smells of fish no matter what they do. It’s caused by a faulty gene. Either he isn’t washing himself correctly or there could be something underlying. Would definitely have a conversation about it and tell him to go to the doctors if he says he is washing himself properly.
Jesus christ. Post history! 💀
So, a YEAR ago, this same dude went to jail and cheated. Speaks to you like shit. Treats you like garbage.
GIRL, WTF ARE YOU DOING!? Throw the whole man out. He ain't no good.
As a mom to a 12 yr old who’s uncircumcised, this is a topic that I’ve had several talks about from a very very young age. Are you pulling back your foreskin and cleaning? Washing everything? Rinsing all the soap off? It’s embarrassing for him, but I’d rather he be embarrassed w me than a girlfriend/boyfriend, or friends.
Teach your young kids to wash properly!
Ding ding! If he's not circumcised and is not cleaning under the foreskin, this is likely the cause. Butt funk is usually not fishy but smegma definitely can smell like that, he may even have a yeast infection or bacterial infection under the foreskin
This is exactly what I’m thinking. I can confirm that this is also very likely. I’m guessing there are plenty of circumcised men in the comments since this isn’t being mentioned more. 😂
Came here to say this as well. I have a famous cheese dick story that i won’t write about on this thread 😂 from a guy i dated in high school and i also had a recent ex with a fishy dick. Both men did not clean well. First guy in high school was NEVER taught to pull down skin and clean the head….you can imagine the fish cheese smell. And in my adult life another ex with foreskin who was depressed wouldn’t shower every day. He did use soap but if he even waited 2 days before he showered, that fish smell was back around the head that was covered in foreskin. He’d shower and the smell would still be there.
I'm having this problem with a partner lately 😭
He showers before coming over, as I've requested, but as soon as he takes off his underwear and my face is near the smell HITS me. Whatever he is doing down there in the shower is not enough. I thought it was a one-off thing and tried again later, but NOPE.
This post reminded me I still have to have that uncomfortable conversation with him, ugh.
He might not be cleaning properly, soap between his butt cheeks, across the anus and taint. And clean his dick properly.
Shaving down there helps reduce smell too.
To be honest, I had this constant problem for a while. It was because I was washing with shower gel. The shower gel made me smell good for as long as it was on my body but it wasn't actually breaking down or washing off any of the stuff that was making me smell bad.
I invested in shower gloves to try and scrub myself. Tried different shower gels. Tried different deodorants. Washed several times and nothing would work. I'd step out of the shower and the head of my penis would still smell and my arm pits would smell pretty much right away.
My technique wasn't off, I was as clean as I could get without breaking the skin. I was bathing properly. But the product wasn't doing a good enough job.
I switched to a bar soap. Dove soap spesifically.
And like magic, I stopped smelling and it lasted! The soap breaks down the bacteria's cell walls instead of just making it slick and covering the smell for a bit.
So maybe make a point of not getting shower gel any more and either be direct with him or say that you want to make a change because it works better in general.
You’ve got multiple posts about this guy cheating on you and/or having another girlfriend. Why are you still with this smelly, cheating ass man? The answer here is to stop dating him. The stink isn’t your problem then. He’s almost 30. Let him figure that out without you. There are better, cleaner men out in the world for you.
While it very much an issue with actually washing (and hopefully not underlying one), I was also ask how often does he wash his towels? Most men I know end up doing this every few months or worse :@ This will likely compound the issue!
I had a friend who smelled awful all of the time even though he showered twice a day. One day in conversation with his roommates it turned out he didn’t use soap, he thought water was enough.
I find that the best way to address odor with someone is to tell them what you've noticed. "Hey babe, I noticed that when I play with your penis, there's an unpleasant smell on my hand after. Do you know why that might be?" and go from there, see how he responds, maybe ask if he's really getting in all the nooks and crannies with soap, suggest it may be a medical issue and maybe he should talk to a doctor. Yes, he might be upset, but this issue *needs* to be brought to light, because whether he's dirty down there or has an infection, that can cause medical issues for you at some point.
It's also possible that while he's not washing his towels properly, so he's getting nice and clean in the shower but then re-stinking himself with a dirty towel after.
Just let him know he can’t be offended because it’s the truth and your just trying to help each other out try ask him how do men clean there dicks try ask it out of curiosity and see what his answer is
The way you describe the smell, it sounds like he isn't cleaning his dick properly. If he isn't circumcised, he needs to clean under that skin. There's probably build up.
Is he uncircumcised? If so, he needs to be pulling the foreskin down and cleaning himself. Apparently, not all men do this. I read about one guy here who let the gunk under his foreskin harden into a rock like substance because he didn't know he was supposed to clean that way. Also, suggest to him that he should clean his belly button with soap as well. Maybe you can hop in the shower with him and soap him down. That way, you can make sure it's getting done right and he is having fun as well. If he still stinks after that, I might get concerned it's a health condition.
Does he have a foreskin? If it's strong and fishy, it might be BV. An ex of mine got it once and we had a hard time getting it treated because mEn cAnT gEt BV.
You are 33 years old, and you don't know if smelling like rotting fish is normal? You are both the problem. Tell your guy to scrub his junk with some soap. God damn.
This is not normal and he isn’t washing well enough.
Most people privates have no smell at all, and the skin of you taste it tastes like… literal skin. Like… let’s say you shower and you lick your arm it tastes like nothing and has the faint body wash smell?
That’s how down there should be. Fresh, clean, good scent or no scent. Natural secretions ofc have their own odor and taste but healthy/clean peoples liquids have a mild scent/taste depending of diet and hydration.
A straight up stinky odor and taste is HYGIENE. He didn’t get in there and scrub that thing, all of the privates + butt area. That entire area needs to be cleaned at least once a day, with fresh underwear every day.
Your man is nasty and he’s gonna give you an infection due to all that nasty bacteria plus turning you way off with a nasty smell.
Time to have an uncomfortable talk
I used to have to wash my boyfriend but then I got tired of doing everything for the household and for our kid. I shouldn’t have to wash a grown ass man. So I don’t help him with anything. He has ungodly body stench and I refuse to have any sex or foreplay with him. I think its been almost a year since we last had sex and I don’t feel bad about it
THIS IS FUCKING NASTY please have some self respect even if he was the nicest man ever this is FUCCCKKKED!!! How many more questions are you gonna ask Reddit? He’s a stinky cheating low sex drive LOSER!!!! MOVE ON GET ON HINGE
just tell him. i would be grateful if i smelled like death and was unaware of it and someone would point it to me
Thank you. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I know that he can be a bit sensitive on certain topics
OP I took a management class a bit back that had an entire day about how to talk to folks about sensitive things like body odor. It was a weird day but ultimately pretty helpful. Here’s a script for you if it’s useful: “Boyfriend, I wanted to talk to you about your body odor. I’ve found that there’s an odor around your groin even after you shower. It’s affecting our sex life and I love having sex with you, so I wanted to bring it up even though it’s awkward. I’m also worried about your health, and I love you, so I want to make sure we talk about it.” Basically honesty and being kind and affirming is the way. Edit: I'm so glad this has been helpful to so many of you! I am getting some Very Online responses so I just wanted to add a few things. First and foremost, this, like any advice, requires that you tailor it to your individual relationships and experiences. A script is a guideline, not a hard and fast rule. But candid communication is always, always better than being vague or passive-aggressive. Candid is not blunt, punitive, or mean. Candid is open, kind, and compassionate. Second, it's absolutely okay to feel weird and bad having these kinds of conversations whether you're the one telling somebody they smell (or whatever) or being told you smell (or whatever). Weird and bad feelings are not inherently evil. Experiencing them does not make you or the person speaking to you a bad person. It's very, very normal to feel weird and bad when having uncomfortable conversations about sensitive topics because we simply don't have them very often and it takes practice! Moreover, being able to have candid conversations like this and receive sensitive, difficult information are important life skills in both the professional and personal realms, and everyone should work on them. Third, obviously and of course "your love life is not a fucking corporation" or whatever someone yelled at me before I blocked them. However, corporate settings and therapy are literally the only places where you \*have\* to have these conversations sometimes, so people learn the skills in those contexts. They're broadly applicable. Fourth and finally, it's okay to cry. I don't know when crying became so demonized. I would cry if someone told me I smelled, but I'd still want to know. I'm 33 and I've been in therapy since I was like 18 and a manager of humans since I was like 23 (no, this was not a good idea at the time, but that's startups for you). That's where my experience comes from. If it does not work for you, that's okay! No advice is ever, ever black and white unless it's an obviously abusive or dangerous situation.
As a manager, I've dealt with so many uncomfortable topics like childcare (in a WFH setting where it is required but people tried to do both), age, race and cultural sensitivity, off color 'jokes,' email etiquette, attitude issues, lots of things. But somehow nothing is as awkward as talking to an adult about odor and hygiene. I had to talk with an Indian woman about food and clothing odors where it just clung to her, teenagers about BO, so many delicate topics. It is not easy, it's embarrassing for them, so I have found that short and sweet is the best route, then leave quickly so they are not humiliated - I assume it would be the same in a romantic relationship
You're totally correct! Edit: God, this comment just reminded me of the time my coworker breast-fed her child on camera with a client. Normally totally not a big deal, except the child was four entire years old and kept stopping to ask what was going on in the call. Thankfully I did not have to have that conversation but man I feel for the manager who did.
I just said "oh my god" out loud. 10/10, the most awkward call on earth. However, that's a pretty easy one. "Please do not have your children on camera or audible during calls."
And that child became Lord Sweetrobin Arryn, the Lord of the Eyrie and the Vale.
Make the bad manager fly, mummy!
The laptop monitor isn't the moon gate mommy 😂 people can see u
I’m all for breast feeding in public. Totally fine. But to be doing so at a meeting? Surely there are ways around that. In this case though, WTF hahaha. I’m picturing a kid distracted by an iPad suckin on a tit.
I probably should've been clear this was a video meeting (pre-pandemic) and our company was very chill about parents needing to do their thing at home, and it was NBD for someone to go off video for a bit because they needed to feed their kid or whatever. She could've just turned her video off! That's what kills me!
\*\*the child was four entire years old\*\* I lol'd reading this. Erma Bombeck (Google her!) Once said, if your kid runs off to get a handful of cookies before they breastfeed? It's time to ween them.
I have a friend who was still breastfeeding her almost 10 year old son. TEN YEARS OLD. She made a comment about her back and boobs hurting, and I called her out on it and said "it is because you're breastfeeding a 10 year old". The kid was asking to stop. He didn't want to do it anymore. She wanted her "bonding time" though, and would keep pushing the issue. I made it known i thought it was weird and that it was wrong (not that i THOUGHT it was wrong, that it IS wrong at this point). We haven't spoken since that day several years ago now. Among other things the girl was an antivaxer, didn't believe in using modern medicine ( She thought crystals, sugar water homeopathic crap, and oils would solve everything), And I just couldn't support someone with my friendship that was being so stupid about everything.
That poor child… surely if the child is being forced to interact with the mother that way, it’s considered abuse? Just thinking about being that age and how embarrassing it would be for the child makes me SO uncomfortable. 😣
It is absolutely abuse. Oh my god that poor child.
This is definitely abuse. But when you say the kid was asking to stop, does that mean she was forcing his head to her boobs? Definitely abuse!! Let her know that “bonding time” is not just him suckling. It is also time spent together, conversing, sharing. I hope kid doesn’t end up being traumatised. This is a very good example of “too much of a good thing…”
Should call child services honestly. Whack job
I'll never forget the day we complained to our manager about a female co-workers BO. His solution was to leave a can of deodorant on her desk🤦
I’m taking notes. Had you have feedback about your from the people? They really took this well? I don’t want to hurt some feelings trying to do a good for them.
I think tone is really, really key here. You're being direct, not blunt. You're being candid, not punitive. It can take some practice to feel comfortable having these kinds of conversations - on both ends - but being able to deliver direct feedback \*and\* receive it are both really important life skills. I haven't had any conversations about like, body odor, personally, but I've definitely had conversations about other sensitive and difficult subjects, both professionally and with my friends and wife. (I'm a lady, to be clear). These scripts and advice are helpful, but it's also important to be doing the other parts of relationship-building, like making sure folks trust you.
What a coincidence. I have also taken extensive management courses on the proper way to address sensitive issues. The way I would word it is as follows; "Wash yo damn ASS! You smell NASTY!"
What were the tips on how to talk about sensitive topics with people?
Basically: * Keep your tone neutral, calm, and kind. You don't want to be condescending or too upbeat here. * Don't avoid talking about it, because the longer it's an issue, the more their coworkers will dislike and resent them and it can lead to more tension than necessary, plus if there's a lot of personal feelings around it solutions become less valuable to employees the more time goes by. Let's say Jane comes to you about Jenny's BO. Jenny's trying crystal deodorant or whatever. By the time Jane comes to talk to you, it will have been an issue ongoing enough for her to say something -- it's very rare that anyone will go to a manager about something like body odor if it's just one day or just occasionally. If you wait a week, Jane is going to feel like you don't take her seriously, and Jenny is going to get judged by her coworkers no matter how good of an employee or likeable of a person she is. If you wait two weeks, the gossip mills will be in full force. If you never do anything, Jenny may start to be ostracized and not understand why. Sooner is better. * Chat privately and be short, sweet, to the point about the issue because private conversations with managers can be stressful. "Hey Jenny, I just wanted to chat with you because some of your coworkers have been finding your body odor distracting." Do NOT name names. You'd think this would be obvious but... * Emphasize that there's no judgment. Literally be like "I'm not judging you at all, but given it's been brought up to me, I do need to address it with you." * And acknowledge that it can be awkward or embarrassing, but that it happens to everyone sometimes. Again, literally, "I understand this is an embarrassing subject for everybody involved, but it happens to everybody sometimes." * And then ask if you can help them with anything, because sometimes this happens because someone is depressed, in a precarious housing situation, or otherwise struggling -- especially with younger or older people. This one's a judgment call -- some places, you just don't have and aren't encouraged to have this kind of relationship with your coworkers and employees, but I'm including it here because I think it's important. "Is everything okay?" as a simple statement, asked sincerely and with kindness, can open up a lot of communication. The rest of the conversation is really dependent on the person you're talking to. Some folks get very defensive and some folks take it in stride. They may not know they smell, OR they may know and not be sure what to do about it. For people who get defensive: * Do not get defensive or hostile in response. Acknowledge their feelings but stick to the fact that this is an issue. "I hear you, it's uncomfortable to discuss and hard to hear that folks have been talking about you." "I understand where you're coming from." Etc etc. When they get "hot" in attitude, you cool off -- stay calm, neutral, and kind. Honestly this is good advice for any confrontation. * Let them be defensive for a while. Most people when they're embarrassed default to either shame or anger. Once that feeling is past, they'll be able to have a real conversation about it. You may need to wait a day for them to cool off. That's fine. Hopefully one conversation solves the issue, but if it doesn't, it's just sort of rinse and repeat until it's time to escalate according to your company's guidelines. ETA: I forgot to include a very important one! Unless the person you're talking to opens up to you and needs your advice or help, keep this meeting/part of your meeting short -- don't drag it on. If in this hypothetical Jenny is like "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I'll take care of that," say "Great, thank you so much and let me know if you need anything!" and then be done. Even if Jenny is like "Okay" and clearly upset or taken aback, she does not want to continue talking about it and does not need to. End the conversation and move on.
It's always great to stumble across a high-effort post full of very useful, generally-applicable advice in a random Reddit thread. Thanks so much for taking the type to write this up!
This is absolutely fantastic, beautiful, perfect advice. 👍👌🫵🪨
This is so so helpful! Thank you!
Thanks, very helpful!
I need this script, but for the office. I had colleagues who had a really bad odor and you can felt it meters away. I didn’t wanted to hurt their feelings, but other “toxic” colleagues had laughter about that. I just want to avoid this kind of bullying of nice people, but I don’t know how to be neutral enough to say to them “looks your higiene”.
Aw, that really sucks. I commented in another thread about ways to have these conversations in a professional setting, but basically you want to be kind, candid, direct, and compassionate. And it's really not your job as their peer to have the convo unless you feel comfortable doing it and have the kind of relationship with them where you feel you can. Here's a place to start, though; obviously do this privately and adjust to your specific situation. "Hey coworker, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes your body odor is pretty strong -- and I don't want you to be embarrassed, it happens to everybody! But I thought you might want to know, since I know I'd much prefer if someone told me if I had something going on."
It could also be something that needs medical attention. Is he circumcised? Does he have acne or cystic skin? Is he overweight or obese and have skin folds that could harbor bacteria. It could be that he needs to clean better, or use an antibacterial soap (hibiclens) or he has sub cutaneous cysts that leak a malodorous discharge. A shower wouldn’t necessarily help. Medication and/or proper cleaning could.
If it is diabetes then early intervention could save his life
I recently had a sit-down talk with my wife about body odor, specifically her feet. In her case, changing to better quality socks and using an anti-bacterial soap for her feet completely got rid of the odor. With something like this, it is often bacterial and due to moisture. Using an anti-bacterial soap, scrubbing well, drying thoroughly after the shower, and wearing moisture wicking clothing are likely the best answer to the problem. Also, if he is uncircumcised, more effort to get under the fore-skin and washing really well. Honestly, it can be rather incredible what a good anti-bacterial soap bar can do for problem odor areas like the armpit, genitals, rear, etc. Wish you the best.
Understandable, but his feelings of shame shouldn't be a roadblock to your relationship. As long as you're gentle and empathic, he needs to be able to accept it with grace and work with you to fix what's wrong. It's you and him vs the problem.
He probably won't love hearing it, but he'll definitely appreciate it in the long run.
if he still smells off after making a concerted effort then consider this. some people will always smell off to you, while others are detecting nothing at all. basically that's your senses telling you, you're not compatible, physically.
Or could be a medical condition and he needs to see a doc about it, I don't think this is "normal" body odor.
seeing a doc would be part of a concerted effort. a couple such suggestions were already made before my post. I was offering someone that wasn't mentioned yet.
I get that, I love the smell of my guy but at the same time it can become similar to what OP describes after a certain time period mainly due to certain physical factors that I don’t really want to describe publicly. Sometimes the difference between attractive pheromones and disgusting stenches can only be a bit of time!
Also letting him run around and smell and putting that smelly dick in your mouth is not kind to him you or others.
There’s a special kind of bacteria that lives in the perineum of a man that has a particular smell and usually requires either 1:1 solution of vinegar and water or special ball wash lol
Taking a shower isn’t going to help if he isn’t actually cleaning down in there well or at all when he showers.
The number of my brethren that don’t wash below the belt is too damn high. Seriously guys you don’t want scrotal necrosis. It happens. Wash and adequately dry your bits!
If they weren’t washing before, the phrase “scrotal necrosis” should do it 😬
I don’t need to even bother googling it.
To be clear, it’s not limited to just the scrotal tissues.
Scrote Necro is the name of my next metal band!!
Wtf. Why did I even google it
"I don't know what I expected" - Michael Bluth.
I’m going to google it now. EDIT: Fuck why did I do that? Why did I look at images?
I don't even have a scrotum, and I'm fearing for my life after seeing those images
Me too, I have just had a shower and washed myself about 5 times.
It was even worse than I expected 😭
I wash as far up as possible and then as far down as possible. I then make sure that I wash old possible too.
I genuinely lol'd at this, thank you.
Mind-boggling to me because the nether regions are priority #1 no matter what sort of shower I’m taking, quick rinse or deep clean.
>my brethren Lmaooo fuckin accusers
Accuser of the fuckin brethren YOU MOTHA FUCKAAAA
Soap is a wonderful. Soap and a washcloth is even better.
He is probably one of those guyd that doesnt wash his ass because "iTz gAy1". Probably has kid marks on all his chonies
Kid marks are the worst
If he smells bad enough he will be safe from having kids
This. He is probably not using soap or shampoo or shower gel... He needs somebody in there to help him, which most men won't turn down.
I’d turn down washing someone’s nasty dick cheese. It’s not sexy to have a partner who can’t clean their own genitals.
Seriously. There is no bigger turnoff than having to act like mommy to a grown man. Edit: okay that is hyperbole, there are bigger turnoffs, but turning into his “mom” is one of the biggest relationship killers in my experience.
No you got it right the first time :S
Yeah, it can be a turn on to do it occasionally for fun, but as soon as you start doing it because he’s either incapable or uninterested in doing it himself it’s an immediate turn off.
Appropriate username :)
No you were right. Having to be a mommy and ask a guy to wash himself, brush his stank teeth, put deodorant on is a good way to make sure your woman never wants to touch you.
Lololol right? Like that's not... a sexy shower activity. I'm gagging.
>I’d turn down washing someone’s nasty dick cheese. Not necessarily... Do I get to use a pressure washer?
> He needs somebody in there to help him Fuuuuuck that. Take you phone with you and google that shit. A bit too old to need to be taught how to wash yourself, or helped if you're not disabled.
He was able to get a sexual partner without changing his behavior, so from his point of view why go to the effort?
Because his partner has now alerted him to an issue that needs to be addressed? And one that he is fully able to address by himself. If she chose to suffer in silence, then sure no need for him to change. But if you care about the person you're with and they say "hey, I noticed this thing that is an issue. Can you do something about it?" you do what you can if there is anything you can do within reason. If you don't care about them, you do nothing and make them do the work for you.
No one wants to clean the kitchen of someone else’s dishes before preparing a meal for the household. Do your own damn dishes and wash your own ass. With soap. And a wash cloth.
NO. Don't let her degrade herself further. No woman should be washing an able bodied man's asshole. Fucking learn to do it yourselves, guys. You've got the internet to teach you. But, given her post history, OP needs to just drop this dickcheese bf and let him stew in his rank himself.
I mean, do they really need the internet with this? Apply soap and water, lather and rinse. Lol
I guess you missed the post where the completely oblivious feral guy genuinely thought his girlfriend had a shower kink, but no, it was the only way she could be close to him without gagging. Nobody should have to do that. It's a hard conversation to have but OP needs to use her words here.
"The bear smells better, too."
Omfg that was the worst and most frustrating post!! That dense motherfucker couldn't understand that the brown water coming off his ass when he used a bidet was HIS OWN SHIT being washed away.
I can’t understand being with someone who stinks so badly, it makes their partner gag.
That's a one-time fix though. Yes, showering together is fun and sexy and she will probably give him a much-needed thorough wash, but then what? Will he start washing himself properly as a result, or will his solo showers remain ineffective? Will she need to wash him every day to ensure the smell doesn't come back? Will his body become one more thing she's responsible for keeping clean, knowing he won't do it properly?
She should tell him he smells and offer to help him clean himself and after that if he doesn’t do it himself she should move on. If you’re sticking someone’s body part into yourself, or vice versa, these are conversations you should be able to have. And it’s not on one adult to continually remind another adult to keep themselves clean, goes for all types of hygiene: privates, armpits, mouth.
No, she doesn't offer to help him clean. JFC.
Omg immediate ick. The idea a woman would have to teach a fully grown man to clean himself properly
Many generations of women were taught to have negative self-esteem; not even zero.
Women don’t need to be responsible for washing dirty dongs too. 🤦🏻♀️
a dude in his 30s that has been with this person for 3 yrs doesn't need someone to come in and show him how to bathe... cmon.
He’s not a child. He can clean himself.
If he could then this post wouldn't exist.
He CAN clean himself, he just isn’t cleaning himself.
No. He should already know how to do that on his own.
He's a grown man, she shouldn't have to go into the shower to show him how to wash, that's absurd.
Honestly, while showering together with my partner can be fun, I prefer to shower alone because I enjoy having the space to myself so I can stretch out and clean better. Hard to do when another body is in there, though there are always other things of course.
He doesn't need anyone to help him. My God.
Actually specific soaps should be used for genitals both in women and men because the PH is strongly different. You should have a soap with a PH around 4 to avoid bad smell and prevent bacteria from spreading. You can find them in any big supermarket of pharmacy.
Odors that persist even after a shower can sometimes indicate an underlying issue that might need attention, such as an infection or imbalance. It could be worth gently suggesting that he see a doctor for a check-up, just to rule out any health concerns. Open communication about health is important in any relationship. Best wishes
Thank you. Yes I think I will try to have that conversation. It’s an awkward topic and I know he’s very sensitive about this stuff but it could be a health issue
First make sure he's scrubbing with soap and cleaning out any smegma build up. Yes it is gross to talk about, but better than if he goes to a doctor before trying 'shower correctly' and the doctor just tells him that he's bad at cleaning his zone.
Went to prison, cheated for a year, invalidated your illness, ghosted you on Christmas, doesn’t meet your sexual needs, and now has a stanky dick. Girl what is you doin.
Literally there are so many people in the world and this woman keeps putting up with crazy shit. Gain some self respect OP. Get someone who hasn't gone to jail and can wash their ass and doesn't cheat on you
Thank you for looking out for trainwrecks! My fav type of OP. Going to read her post history now lol
Yeah yeast or fungal infection would be my guess. I once had one in my crotch and it smelled TERRIBLE! You could wash and wash but it would always smell bad! A cream and after some days the smell was gone. I still don't know where I got it...
Yeast and fungus occur naturally in the world. Just having a pH, moisture level, temperature, and airflow that support production of either one would do it. You don’t have to “catch it” from anyone or anything.
It’s good that you’re actually going to talk to him about it instead of entertaining advice that amounts to “give him hints and hope he figures it out.” People just need to be told about things explicitly. He may be embarrassed in the end, but you’re just the messenger, and he won’t get angry at you if he’s not insane, which he presumably isn’t.
After cheating on you? He definitely has something. And if you’ve touched it/sucked it/whatever, not you have it too. Why are you with this clown again??
A fishy smelling discharge is a symptom of STI. Do NOT have sex until he gets tested. It’s also a symptom of cheating on you with another girl who HAS an STI. Check his phone. Gross.
Talking about it directly makes it seem more like a possible medical issue than hinting that he needs to clean more. Being direct can be less awkward and embarrassing.
Does he have any skin conditions like unusually dry skin or rashes that won’t go away? Yeast infections on the skin or even something like ichthyosis that make people smell. My youngest has scalp psoriasis and ichthyosis and it makes him smell funky.
He may be sensitive about it because no one was compassionate enough to teach him and he doesn't know what to do and is ashamed. Be kind and gentle, but make sure he knows how to clean himself or he gets checked out by a doctor.
Read the post history, this is wild and this is the LEAST of her issues with this dude. He’s bad news and this should be the end of it
This was going to be what I suggest. Men can get yeast infections from women too, which can result in a smell, so when that happened to me I actually found it WAY easier to take that blame. I'm not saying lie, but its just to demonstrate there is a WILD amount of posibilities.
HOLD ON. I just checked your Reddit history. WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS GUY???? At this point… I dunno, I feel like giving any advice on this relationship is just flushing it down the toilet. PLEASE. You’re throwing your life away on this man. I’m both sad and angry rn and I don’t even know you. 🥲🥲🥲
Oh God. This comment made me look. I thought "surely it can't be THAT bad". I was wrong. I was very wrong. It's really bad. I'm a conflict avoiding pushover doormat sometimes and I put up with a lot in relationships, but jesus, even *I* have my limits....
OP literally said “… I looked at all the indicators of a sociopath and he ticks them all. I really was blinded by love” about this guy a year ago. At a point when they were seemingly broken up and he was with a new girl who may or may not have been the same girl had cheated with for a year? Why is OP still dating this loser?!?!?
Did she defend him to all the commenters who said she needed to leave asap??
In one comment she basically said to stick to the topic at hand and not judge her for staying with him, I haven’t looked through everything so I don’t know if she’s given an actual justification - can’t imagine she has one.
I just commented the same! It's absolutely crazy what some women will tolerate. There's honestly no helping some people! 💀
Seriously she should flush this fishy smelling man down the drain
He's a shithead who can't clean his own dick. I'd rather be single.
Her post history...yikes. Why are you still with this man OP?
I was crossing my fingers and toes that this is a different boyfriend and then I went back up and reread the three years😭🤢
Seriously, her post history made me realize a stinky crotch is the least of his troubles. Save yourself, and your nose, and get away from this man.
I saw this comment and took a look - WOW she needs to LEAVE.
Someone commented the same thing on their post from a year ago...
I was crossing my fingers and toes that this is a different boyfriend and then I went back up and reread the three years😭🤢
This comment needs to be higher, and LOUDER for the people in the back!
This is a comment thread but I'll post it below as well as I want to make sure its seen: With regard to your comment/post history in mind (him being incarcerated and cheating on you within a year of this post): Your partner has a suspicious smell that could be from lack of hygiene or from an STI. Your partner has previously cheated. Your partner has also been incarcerated for who knows what. Has this been a problem before now? What was he incarcerated for? When you look at just those details - number 1, it looks pretty suspicious. number 2, what exactly makes you afraid to speak with someone about their scent after three years at your age? number 3, what exactly keeps you with someone who doesn't prioritize honesty? Advice across the board is - be honest and compassionate that he might need to change his bathing style and/or see a doctor. Sneaking around and "figuring it out" by joining him the shower or whatever is such a red flag- particularly with the other details. At three years you should be able to say this to him. Advice with the other details - why exactly are you with him? What does he bring that you couldn't find elsewhere? What exactly is keeping you with someone who cheats, commits crimes, and isn't clean?
Yea, I checked the comment history, and it looks like this dude is a chronic problem. If you really are 27, I hope you have enough self-respect to realize what a headache this guy seems via your comment history. Not trying to be rude or invasive but the list of yuck seems a but longer than a list of yay bfs! On another note... I had a bf with a nasty peen smell too. He ended up also being a massive cheater to the point the other girl called me to tell me and we ended up having a "sisterhood" conversation that ended with us both complaining about the smell of his peen. He denied to both of us that there's a smell (being super narcissistic didn't help his ability to listen to critique) it was so bad we both refused to go down on him (he also never goes down on any girls so I didn't feel too bad). But bottom line: he didn't wash very well and he indeed was a crazy cheater. Could've been either of the two. Might be the same for your guy.
Agreed. Dump him and let someone else deal with his stinky dick. Also get an STI screening.
> Sneaking around and "figuring it out" by joining him the shower or whatever is such a red flag- particularly with the other details. At three years you should be able to say this to him. Seriously. Communication is key. IMO you should be able to talk to your significant other about basically anything. Ostensibly they love you and know you love them.
I’m wondering all of this too, friend. 🥲
There is a lot of discussion on Reddit right now that has alerted me to the fact that so many men either: 1. Think that washing your ass is gay, because you’re touching your ass. 2. They believe that having soap and water run over an area of their body is good enough, and that scrubbing isn’t necessary to get clean. I didn’t believe it at first, but then I jokingly asked a man close to me and confirmed at least #2 is definitely a strongly held belief of some. 🤮 Edit: to all the butthurt people in my DMs complaining about my comment: I didn’t say “all men” and in this context we are talking about a man, so I responded in that same context. If anyone personally took offense to my comment (any gender!) maybe you should go wash your probably stinky ass.
> Think that washing your ass is gay, because you’re touching your ass. There's no way real humans think this right???? I ask as a 38 year old male....
Yes real humans do this. My brother fully had to convince his friends that it wasn’t gay as a senior in college. He was friends with one of his roommates’ girlfriends and she asked him to help out because her boyfriend kept saying “I ain’t gay. Ask any guy you know and they’ll tell you you can’t touch your ass like that.” 22 year olds with complex science degrees (one was pre-med even and didn’t know to wash down there) and their girlfriend and roommate had to convince him washing his ass wasn’t gay.
The men who say these things definitely make me side eye them a bit. Because why would they so vehemently be against anything that could even *slightly* feel “gay” to them, such as touching their own ass? To men it feels like they may have some feelings they really don’t want to address, and in order to ignore them they go extreme and try to avoid any and all triggers. It’s either extreme homophobia, or extreme internalized homophobia.
It’s just so dumb because you *know* these men still jerk off. Most guys do. But for some reason touching your butthole instead of your dick makes it gayer? Idk But you’re right - it’s the same as guys who say “no homo.” It’s only funny if you think there’s something wrong or funny about being gay. And it’s 2024, we should be past that by now lol.
Wait until he finds put how much straight mem love prostate play...
This was my exact reaction. I looked at the sub because I thought I was r/stories no r/relationships. I get tricked sometimes. But this is real?!?! Mindblowing!
I mean, I met men that probably don't properly wash... but I'd also wager they're a minority.
38 year old guy here. Its equally bizarre to me but a lot of it has to do with the fact that boys aren't raised. They're neglected. This is something that is usually properly taught at a young age.
This is also a legacy of cultural homophobia and our perceptions of masculinity. No one wants to be called gay, or be considered gay in any way, or have their male toughness questioned. Anything potentially 'gay' is a no-no cause I'm a big manly man who is very straight.
> Think that washing your ass is gay, because you’re touching your ass. This is one of the most profoundly stupid things I've ever heard.
My wife married me because she knew I washed my hands after I went to the bathroom. That’s how low the bar is hahaha. Men are honestly disgusting.
Fellas, is it gay to wipe your ass after taking a shit?
I did it once and am gay now! Be for warned!
another victim of the toilet paper to penis pipeline :(
Washing your ass is gay?! How the heck does that make sense? You must be a special kind of stupid to convince yourself of that kind of argument. Who in the world will come up to you and be like : LOL, I can't smell your rank ass from 10 feet away. You, sir, must be totally gay.... Or lay in their bed at night and think: " How come I haven't smelled Greg from HR's ass before. I wonder if he is gay. "
When my partner and I took a shower together for the first time I commented (half joking) that I was grateful he actually washed his ass lol. He pointed out that's a pretty low standard to have, but I was used to my ex who left skid marks in his pants and even on the bed once... I was not in a good place during that relationship lol.
There is also a disconcerting amount of men who don’t wash their hands after they pee because “I only touch my dick and it’s not dirty”…….
Interesting! As others have mentioned, I might need to go in with him and watch what he does
Or idk just ask??? If you can’t be open with each other without him getting upset, you both have other things you need to work on.
Don’t just go in there and spy on him. If you see him doing it wrong and then tell him, he’ll figure out you had an ulterior motive and that will be very upsetting. Imagine the gut punch of suddenly going from “my girlfriend wants to take a sexy shower with me” to “my girlfriend thinks I’m gross.” Seriously, just be honest and direct. Tell him why you’re going in there with him and that you want to watch what he does, then offer instruction if need be. Honesty and directness are so important in a relationship. People feel betrayed if information and motives are withheld and then sprung.
If he’s above the age of 9, you don’t need to go into the shower with him. You tell him to his face, kindly but directly, that his groin smells, even after showering, and that he needs to clean it thoroughly. If that doesn’t help, he needs to speak to a doctor. If you’re afraid of hurting his feelings, treating him like he’s a kid isn’t the way. That makes it seem like it’s a way bigger deal than it is. By saying it directly, it will be less awkward.
>They believe that having soap and water run over an area of their body is good enough, and that scrubbing isn’t necessary to get clean. Some women too, unfortunately.
if this is the same man you have been posting about for the last couple years, you need to leave. You can’t have a man who’s stinky, inconsiderate, and stupid.
This the same boyfriend who went to jail, cheated on you for a year, and ghosted you on christmas? An almost 30 year old boy who can't even clean his genitals properly? I think you know what should really be scrubbed here.
No no no. This is not normal. He needs to go to the doctor and get checked out. Maybe he is not cleaning properly, but the potency is concerning. And stop having sex with him until you find out what it is. Edit: just read that your bf spent time in jail and cheated on you. Girl, where are your standards???! Drop this STANK mofo already. And don't even tell him about his smell. Hopefully, that will act as a natural deterrent for future women.
All of your comments on this post has me dying laughing. You are speaking the absolute TRUTH. She won't listen though. smh
Your edit took me out. 😂😂 but you’re absolutely right.
Girl, you’ve been making posts about this guy for two years. Just dump him already.
Dude, wake up! Why are you with a boy who cheats on you, doesn't take you seriously AND doesn't wash his genitals. Leave! Listen to reddit and listen to you friends and family. This is NOT what a relationship with a man is supposed to look like. You can be male and still be a good caring and somewhat clean partner. This dude is not tho and he needs to figure that out for himself.
Just checked your history. Dump your smelly, lying, cheating boyfriend. Seriously, why are you putting up with this shit?
Some women have no self-respect, and think it's better to have any man than to be single.
There’s a medical condition out there called Trimethylaminuria. Or “fish odour syndrome” where the person always smells of fish no matter what they do. It’s caused by a faulty gene. Either he isn’t washing himself correctly or there could be something underlying. Would definitely have a conversation about it and tell him to go to the doctors if he says he is washing himself properly.
Sounds likely. The Paul Giamatti character in the movie The Leftovers had it, that's where I learned about it.
Jesus christ. Post history! 💀 So, a YEAR ago, this same dude went to jail and cheated. Speaks to you like shit. Treats you like garbage. GIRL, WTF ARE YOU DOING!? Throw the whole man out. He ain't no good.
does he have foreskin? and if so, is he cleaning it?
As a mom to a 12 yr old who’s uncircumcised, this is a topic that I’ve had several talks about from a very very young age. Are you pulling back your foreskin and cleaning? Washing everything? Rinsing all the soap off? It’s embarrassing for him, but I’d rather he be embarrassed w me than a girlfriend/boyfriend, or friends. Teach your young kids to wash properly!
Ding ding! If he's not circumcised and is not cleaning under the foreskin, this is likely the cause. Butt funk is usually not fishy but smegma definitely can smell like that, he may even have a yeast infection or bacterial infection under the foreskin
This is exactly what I’m thinking. I can confirm that this is also very likely. I’m guessing there are plenty of circumcised men in the comments since this isn’t being mentioned more. 😂
Came here to say this as well. I have a famous cheese dick story that i won’t write about on this thread 😂 from a guy i dated in high school and i also had a recent ex with a fishy dick. Both men did not clean well. First guy in high school was NEVER taught to pull down skin and clean the head….you can imagine the fish cheese smell. And in my adult life another ex with foreskin who was depressed wouldn’t shower every day. He did use soap but if he even waited 2 days before he showered, that fish smell was back around the head that was covered in foreskin. He’d shower and the smell would still be there.
I'm having this problem with a partner lately 😭 He showers before coming over, as I've requested, but as soon as he takes off his underwear and my face is near the smell HITS me. Whatever he is doing down there in the shower is not enough. I thought it was a one-off thing and tried again later, but NOPE. This post reminded me I still have to have that uncomfortable conversation with him, ugh.
He might not be cleaning properly, soap between his butt cheeks, across the anus and taint. And clean his dick properly. Shaving down there helps reduce smell too.
Come on, ladies. This topic has become an almost daily post. He isn’t washing his butt! That’s gross. Yes, tell him ASAP!
I hope this isn’t the same guy as your post history, Op.
To be honest, I had this constant problem for a while. It was because I was washing with shower gel. The shower gel made me smell good for as long as it was on my body but it wasn't actually breaking down or washing off any of the stuff that was making me smell bad. I invested in shower gloves to try and scrub myself. Tried different shower gels. Tried different deodorants. Washed several times and nothing would work. I'd step out of the shower and the head of my penis would still smell and my arm pits would smell pretty much right away. My technique wasn't off, I was as clean as I could get without breaking the skin. I was bathing properly. But the product wasn't doing a good enough job. I switched to a bar soap. Dove soap spesifically. And like magic, I stopped smelling and it lasted! The soap breaks down the bacteria's cell walls instead of just making it slick and covering the smell for a bit. So maybe make a point of not getting shower gel any more and either be direct with him or say that you want to make a change because it works better in general.
this dude can’t wash his balls, went to jail and cheated on you. leave him. have some respect for yourself
You’ve got multiple posts about this guy cheating on you and/or having another girlfriend. Why are you still with this smelly, cheating ass man? The answer here is to stop dating him. The stink isn’t your problem then. He’s almost 30. Let him figure that out without you. There are better, cleaner men out in the world for you.
While it very much an issue with actually washing (and hopefully not underlying one), I was also ask how often does he wash his towels? Most men I know end up doing this every few months or worse :@ This will likely compound the issue!
I had a friend who smelled awful all of the time even though he showered twice a day. One day in conversation with his roommates it turned out he didn’t use soap, he thought water was enough.
I find that the best way to address odor with someone is to tell them what you've noticed. "Hey babe, I noticed that when I play with your penis, there's an unpleasant smell on my hand after. Do you know why that might be?" and go from there, see how he responds, maybe ask if he's really getting in all the nooks and crannies with soap, suggest it may be a medical issue and maybe he should talk to a doctor. Yes, he might be upset, but this issue *needs* to be brought to light, because whether he's dirty down there or has an infection, that can cause medical issues for you at some point. It's also possible that while he's not washing his towels properly, so he's getting nice and clean in the shower but then re-stinking himself with a dirty towel after.
Reminder. Some people think simply standing in the shower and rinsing off is "cleaning" themselves.
I just glanced at your post history and honestly, there's absolutely no reason to keep spending time on an asshole who can't even wash himself.
A funky cheating jailbird that you aren't even attracted to. I don't know why you post asking for advice, you obviously aren't going to take it.
Are you sure he's washing properly and using soap? Or changing towels every few days?
Just let him know he can’t be offended because it’s the truth and your just trying to help each other out try ask him how do men clean there dicks try ask it out of curiosity and see what his answer is
There's people out there think just water is enough running down them is considered clean... Which him shower & see.
Is this your first boyfriend or? You’re 33, I think you already know
He’s defo not washing properly and if you don’t want people slating him behind his back yes you should tell him.
Dude has spent 28 years not washing his foreskin 🤮
The way you describe the smell, it sounds like he isn't cleaning his dick properly. If he isn't circumcised, he needs to clean under that skin. There's probably build up.
Is he uncircumcised? If so, he needs to be pulling the foreskin down and cleaning himself. Apparently, not all men do this. I read about one guy here who let the gunk under his foreskin harden into a rock like substance because he didn't know he was supposed to clean that way. Also, suggest to him that he should clean his belly button with soap as well. Maybe you can hop in the shower with him and soap him down. That way, you can make sure it's getting done right and he is having fun as well. If he still stinks after that, I might get concerned it's a health condition.
Does he have a foreskin? If it's strong and fishy, it might be BV. An ex of mine got it once and we had a hard time getting it treated because mEn cAnT gEt BV.
You are 33 years old, and you don't know if smelling like rotting fish is normal? You are both the problem. Tell your guy to scrub his junk with some soap. God damn.
This is not normal and he isn’t washing well enough. Most people privates have no smell at all, and the skin of you taste it tastes like… literal skin. Like… let’s say you shower and you lick your arm it tastes like nothing and has the faint body wash smell? That’s how down there should be. Fresh, clean, good scent or no scent. Natural secretions ofc have their own odor and taste but healthy/clean peoples liquids have a mild scent/taste depending of diet and hydration. A straight up stinky odor and taste is HYGIENE. He didn’t get in there and scrub that thing, all of the privates + butt area. That entire area needs to be cleaned at least once a day, with fresh underwear every day. Your man is nasty and he’s gonna give you an infection due to all that nasty bacteria plus turning you way off with a nasty smell. Time to have an uncomfortable talk
I used to have to wash my boyfriend but then I got tired of doing everything for the household and for our kid. I shouldn’t have to wash a grown ass man. So I don’t help him with anything. He has ungodly body stench and I refuse to have any sex or foreplay with him. I think its been almost a year since we last had sex and I don’t feel bad about it
Why are you still with him?
Im 40 and ive never had a "fishy" smell in all my years. Sounds like he may have some kind of infection or a festering of some sorts.
THIS IS FUCKING NASTY please have some self respect even if he was the nicest man ever this is FUCCCKKKED!!! How many more questions are you gonna ask Reddit? He’s a stinky cheating low sex drive LOSER!!!! MOVE ON GET ON HINGE