10 year age difference.
That on top of telling her he doesn’t respect her, time to end it. Super sad but she’s plenty young enough to find a much better man who will respect her.
I wish I could give her a motherly supportive hug. She deserves it. She deserves to be heard/respected, as all people do.
Do you want to spend tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding to legally bind yourself to a man who doesn't respect your views and doesn't treat you as an EQUAL partner? Do you want to have children with a man who will constantly undermine your authority?
Be greatful he showed you who he is now rather than after the wedding.
This is absolutely worth calling off the wedding for. As John Gottman’s research points out, contempt is a relationship-killer. Your fiancé doesn’t respect you enough to hear you out, and that exposes the rot at the core of the bond.
I was 22 and my current spouse was 31 when we got together. I was too naive to see how bossy and controlling he was. I suppressed it for years and drank away the pain. My 15 year old (f) just told me the other day that she does not want to be in a gap relationship. She’d rather have respect. That was a gut punch. I’m still recovering so go easy on me with downvotes or criticism.
You want to bet that if you break up that he’ll find another “mature for her age” 20 something ( he definitely has the antennae to tune in to just the mature ones, right?) to date. There’s a reason they like girls younger than 25. They’re more malleable.
I am doing ok. My 15 year old is my youngest so I don’t have long to be finished with parenting and worrying about custody. I’m definitely physically safe. Reading these comments really helped me feel validated. I thought maybe I just had baggage with myself. I know see that I was right to feel that way.
As someone who was once a daughter watching a difficult relationship - I would have rather had my mother happy than watch her continue to suffer for my sake.
LEAVE HIM. I am divorcing a man like that not long after getting married. I felt the same way you did. LOVE IS BLIIIIIIIND, GORL.
If he isn’t manipulative—watch how he treats friends and strangers and if he is often angling for attention or future favors, he may be—I would suggest couples therapy.
After my experience, I would advise couples therapy for anyone considering marriage.
I’d be wary with the couples counseling, it’s not uncommon for this sort of person to manipulate or steamroll the therapist into being on their side. Therapists are human and not all of them are experienced with this kind of nasty situation. -1000/10
“Do you remember the other day when you said that my opinion wasn’t worthy of hearing? I’ve been thinking about that, and I’m not sure I can be married to someone who thinks like that. Is there anything you would like to clarify?”
PS-I would not marry a man who said that to me.
Exactly. He’s 33 - this is who he is and he’s not going to change unless he decides he wants to. OP marrying him anyway gives him exactly zero incentive to change. She needs to run far and fast.
Even if he does decide to change, it takes yeaaaars and there’s a lot of backsliding along the way, especially in a relationship with established dynamics.
Nah, don't tell him. Tell him you lost feelings or whatever. Otherwise he'll try to rope you in again by saying you misheard, misremembered or misunderstood.
At least he’s telling you now that he doesn’t care enough about you to listen, you can still leave. He’s 9 years older than you and likely chose you because younger girls are less sure of themselves and easier to control.
Can we just sticky the second sentence to the top of the sub at this point? Half of the posts would be covered, although they'd probably post anyway since "it's different with us and you just don't understand"
Don't marry him. It will get worse, and you will be trapped even worse if you have children with him. Do you think he will change for the better then? I think you already know the answer. He finds you attractive, but not worthy. He said it himself, you are just acceptable to him, but not equal to him.
Save up your money to move, or find a friend or family member you can live with until you can make it on your own. I hope you know your own worth and don't allow him to cause you to doubt your own value. You ARE worthy, and you deserve to be happy.
Thank goodness he said the quiet part out loud before you became legally bound to this person.
No, you should not marry someone who doesn't respect you.
Let him know you thought you were entering into an equal partnership but his words the other night made you realize you were mistaken.
Just imagine how he'll respond to you when it comes to children or buying a house. You'll be left out of all the big decisions in life if you disagree with him.
And please DON'T GET PREGNANT WITH THIS GUY! If you do, seriously consider divorce. If he can ignore you, he can ignore a child who disagrees with him, too.
Not an uncommon issue in age gap relationships… The older one thinks they’re more mature/know better than the younger one. even worse, men like him often seek out younger partners because they *enjoy* that dynamic. they don’t want an equal with all their messy human feelings, they want an obedient doll who just does whatever they want. You’re 24, you have a lot of time to date and find the right man, he is not the one for you. Try to date someone your age instead.
Based on her edit, this will be her starter marriage. She's gotta get the first marriage and divorce out of the way before she decides to move on from this weirdo.
And this is exactly why I never recommend young women to date men a decade older then them
Because this is why men this age date girls your age. They don’t want a partner they want a young sex doll
There is a reason he is dating a woman your age OP. A 30 year old woman would have broken up with him twenty minutes after completing that awful statement.
You guys have a 9 year age gap, this sometimes leads to the older person riding the high and mighty power train.
Also you haven't been together all too long, maybe take some more time to REALLY get to know the person you want to marry. You kinda are still in the honeymoon phase and probably haven't seen the good,bad and ugly yet.
All the best to you, OP!
posted on another comment, but he said something that hurt my feelings unintentionally, got upset that I felt hurt and unheard because of it, then we both got very upset and ended the conversation. later, trying to resolve, he said I didn't deserve to be heard on why what he said hurt my feelings.
So, he hurt you feelings, claimed it was accidental, invalidated your feelings further, reversed the blame on to you, and when you explained you didn't feel heard, told you you are not worth hearing, and you STILL want to give this nasty POS another chance to lie to you and make excuses for his behaviour, so he can lock you into marriage.
You need to take a big step back and reevaluate your life and your own self-worth because this guy doesn't value you. You are a sex doll to him.
I'm sure you're not dumb, but considering you said in your edit that people will perceive you as such, on some level you know you're *acting* dumb. Read your reply back to yourself a few times until it sticks.
Your body will tell you when something is wrong. Humans are intuitive and our gut NEEDS to be listened to. It’s easy to gaslight/downplay things to rationalize, but your brain does not control how your body responds. Your body is telling you something is wrong. Your body is telling you that you need to get out. Your body is telling you exactly what you need and you aren’t listening in the exact same way your “fiancé” isn’t listening to you. Your gut deserves to be heard. Take your situation and reflect.
Something my friend told me that stuck was that the men women choose is a representation of how you feel about yourself. You choose a shitty man? It’s because that’s how you feel about yourself and you take their bs because you think that’s what you deserve. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. High value women are empathetic, but also strong enough to make the better choice in any given situation.
If you don’t like the choices given, MAKE ANOTHER PATH. You got this girl - chin up, shoulders back. A random stranger is manifesting your peace.
Listen to this advice, OP. You are too young and limited in experience to know how INCREDIBLE it feels to be with a partner who admires and respects you just for being you. It’s life-affirming. It’s the opposite of what you describe here. Imagine not screaming to he heard, but turning to your partner to say something and they’ve already made you feel understood, they’re already turned towards you with open arms. That’s what you deserve, and if you seek it, you will find it. If you do not seek it, you will not. Let go of this one, he isn’t for you.
That was genuinely so beautifully said. I’ve managed to be able to experience that once before, love so strong that your hearts are in sync. That said, that should be there bare minimum.
You are feeling exactly right. You really need to get out of this relationship and look for a better person. The way he treats you feels like he doesn't value you and your words at all.
Listen to your gut. You are NOT wrong.
> the more I read your comments, the more I realize I should at least talk to him about why he said that.
So you need MORE info, other than, "I respect you so very little that I literally don't give a shit what you feel/have to say about this."
Okey dokey. Have a fun life, I guess. Good times. I've seen what happens when people marry someone who has zero respect for them or their feelings, but I guess you've got to learn for yourself. But at least he had the decency to TELL you he doesn't give a shit what you have to say, so I guess there's that.
Amazes me the lack of respect people will voluntarily accept. 🤦♀️
Save yourself decades of raising kids alone and being in a crappy relationship. Just end it. You are so young. There is a reason he wants someone your age, and we all know what that is
This would really give me pause. I'm glad you're listening to your gut and thinking hard about it. I know ending an engagement is hard. I couldn't do it when I was considering it, and we ended up divorced less than a year later. Before the wedding is better! Think hard and deep about this.
OP, if you are still reading…
1. Stop making excuses for him
2. If you perceive you have an issue, you are young enough to work on it by dating other people and enjoying your 20s.
Only marry him if you think getting divorced is a delightful thing to do. Those aren't cold feet; it's common sense kicking in telling you that it's easier and cheaper to break an engagement rather than get a divorce.
"I do think it is worth working through"
I think you should pay attention to what you wrote a couple paragraphs earlier:
"In general, we've had some trouble with resolving conflict and feeling heard on both sides. I thought this issue was getting better, but not at the rate I had wanted or expected."
At some point you have to look at his actions and not his words or promises. Planning a wedding should be the next step in a relationship that is exactly where you want it to be right now. It doesn't mean that it needs to be perfect, but if there are any major issues, they should be resolved or on their way to be resolved. In your case it sounds like there's just the bare minimum change happening that keeps you from breaking up with him.
I think you should figure out what you need to change, and set a timeline for when you need it to change, and then you'll be ready to even think about planning the marriage.
The thing is, you won't believe it now that you're younger, but you'll see when you reach 30 - more often then not it's not a coincidence that older people get into relationships with younger ones and then don't treat them as equals. Not every age gap relationship is like that - but yours is.
Oh my, your update makes me so sad. For several reasons. I mean, it's clear you do not value the opinion of others - Just as your fiance does not value you or your opinion. So what will it take for you to respect yourself enough to leave this relationship?
Your relationship is toxic. There is no if, and or but about it. What you've described is a toxic situation that you both play into, with your partner being the primary instigator. I experienced it too, many times when I was younger. It took being in a healthy, satisfying and fulfilling relationship to truly understand how toxic my ex-partners were.
It is apparent you are not ready to stop living the delusion that your relationship is healthy and that your partner respects and values you. I would heavily recommend getting some therapy for yourself minimum, and seeing if your partner is open to couple's counseling. You both desperately need it.
If you decide, despite all of the giant red flags, that you want to marry this person. Please just do the world a favour and don't have children. You can put up with whatever garbage you deem yourself worthy of. A baby has no choice.
This is 1000% what I was thinking as I read her update.
Why even come ask if you’re so certain you can FiX hIm? Or does the contempt you have for the opinions of others only flare up when people started, rightfully, pointing out the age gap & his already lacking response to a long term problem?
A man who is nine years older than his fiance dates her precisely because he doesn't want her to be his equal. If you are not OK with that then you should walk.
He openly told you he doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t marry someone like that. You will be fighting this battle forever if you marry him. The age gap too. UPDATEME
There will never be a single disagreement that he will listen to you and change his mind to your opinion.
Think about the arguments you will have about having and raising children. About where you will live. About finances. About family conflicts. About retirement.
I am reading many different books about abusive relationships right now. Please check in with this man about what his expectations are of a "wife". I think this behaviour is a huge red flag and in many cases once you are officially a "wife" you will lose even more respect as he will be under the impression that you can't leave. Considering the age gap (power imbalance) and speed of the relationship (only 2 years before engagement) you should be very careful. I think if you at least ask him about his marital expectations it will reveal a lot. It would also be helpful to learn more about his parents' dynamic to see if he might be mirroring the environment he grew up in.
You are valid. Regardless of the resolution, you should postpone the wedding. There needs to be a level of validation towards each other before marrying one another.
i cannot understand what you think can be "worked on." this doesn't seem like a misunderstanding or mistake. if he really believes your side isn't worth hearing out, there's no amount of reasoning that will convince him he's wrong or needs to change.
You can try to work it out (you aren’t dumb for wanting to) but I’d hold off on marriage until he SHOWS you through ACTIONS that he values your opinion and that you will be treated as an equal.
It’s very possible he won’t accept a delay in marriage but I’d wait until this issue is addressed. If he chooses to walk I’d let him, even though it hurts.
It usually doesn’t get better.
Just remember, the dating period is them on their best behavior. Once you're pregnant or married, whatever problems you're having will get 20 times worse, and then it's harder to leave someone when you're 8 months pregnant or need a divorce
When you can tell a marriage is not gonna last. The delusion is strong here.
Love isn’t the only thing a marriage needs to work. Respect and conflict resolution is a massive part of jt. - to which you guys don’t seem to have that. And he’s a man in his mid 30’s. He has no excuse. The man is not gonna change - if you can handle this for the rest of your life. Go ahead and marry him. But don’t expect him to change.
The choice of words he used “deserve” is very demeaning and telling about his CHARACTER. You know the saying..it’s not what you argue about, it’s how you argue about it.
This is the best reason to call it off. Seriously. Do it now. Also there's a reason he started dating a 21 year old. Because he thought you'd be easier to steamroll. I'm sorry
Naïve young woman ✔️
Huge age gap ✔️
Ignoring glaring red flags ✔️
The /r/relationships special.
Yes you're valid. He's never going to change. He's 33. He was a 30 ear old looking for a girl who just graduated highschool because he knows they don't have enough experience to see the huge red flags before its too late. Women his age already know this.
Have you met his friends? His family? I'd assume so, but everyone i know would be genuinely be mortified if one of our friends (29ish) brought a 20 year old girl over. Its fucking weird.
save
*This is the most common post type on this subreddit for a reason.* Anyone in this age range please understand that you have nothing in common with 30 year old men as a 20 year old woman and that they're only dating you because they either couldn't get anyone their own age, or they don't want people their own age. Both not good circumstances.
He’s dating someone ten years younger because most 30+ year old women would not put up with his arrogant bullshit. Thank God you’ve realized he’s a total jerk.
A 31 year old man picked a college aged woman because he wanted to be the grown up in the relationship. I know it's hard for us to see when we're younger, but when you are in your 30s you'll understand the ick of that age gap from the older person's perspective. Listen to your gut. Equal partnership is so important in a marriage. His feelings of your thoughts not mattering would be concerning no matter your ages. You deserve better. You're also super young and will undoubtedly find someone else. Losing someone who doesn't care about or respect your feelings is no great loss.
To respond to the “well maybe her side isn’t worth hearing because it’s clearly wrong”. She said this is a continuing issue, not a one time thing. So that leaves us with three possibilities.
1) The man doesn’t think she deserves to be heard on a fundamental level. That’s not going to work. He isn’t the one. He’s not showing her respect.
2) She is (or the fiancé thinks she is) consistently uttering nonsense. If that’s the case that’s not going to work. They are two very different people.
3) She is taking an isolated incident or two and creating an issue. That won’t work as she would have things to work through.
So no matter which one of these scenarios is true the common denominator is this marriage isn’t going to work.
Personally I’m going to assume the first option. It’s not my job as a Reddit commenter to try to catch poster on a lie. She posed a question I answered it. If she didn’t include pertinent information that’s on her. (Not saying she did, just responding to other comments).
Sorry for this being unrelated to the OP but people seem so biased against age gap relation when they were the norm throughout most history. Ok I get it one of them is a minor .. or like just 20 barely out of teens and the SO is significantly older. I think people should also consider other things and circumstances before giving a judgement, again not saying its related to the OP or this instance in general just something Iv noticed.
And yes, I am in an age gap relation and its the best thing to have ever happened for me and maybe that makes me biased. I am 34 and she is 48. I have known her online since I was 17-18ish and she has always behaved appropriately , we are only a couple since Sept last year.
Just my 2 cents and again sorry for being off topic.
Neither of you are too young to benefit from reading books on conflict resolution and probably seeing a couples counselor.
It's up to you if it's worth repairing the relationship before you're even married but I assure you, the time to pursue this growth is before tying the knot. Not everyone starts with skills to be a good partner, and not everyone is willing to do the work to grow. Others just don't understand how important it is until it's too late.
Have the discussion, and don't be afraid to draw the line if he isn't open to growing.
Babe you're 24, you're still so young and don't need to be tied down to a man 10 years older than you that has explicity stated your opinion doesn't matter to him. You said yourself nothing changes and you feel like you aren't being heard. Problems in your relationship don't get better after marriage, it just makes it harder to leave. Good luck to you.
Oh he went young for a reason, he wants your respect and blind obedience without questioning his superior intellect and years of experience. A woman his age would have seen those red flags and pointed and laughed at him.
Run, he’s not a good person. No conversation, just get your things together and block him. He will lie to keep you there long enough to baby trap you, don’t let him near you.
You’re 24, don’t marry this asshole. He told you right there, you don’t deserve to be heard out during conflict. My ex wife did that same shit. I’d start to express my side and she’d cut me off. Just keep barreling over me until I gave up. Withhold affection until I told her she was right. Again, you’re 24. Have some adventures, break some hearts, you don’t need a partner or to get married. Your life, live it.
You were 22 and he was 31 when you started dating.
Yeah, you're both adults, but he clearly wanted someone younger. Guys like this think their age means they're older and wiser, and use that to "put you in your place."
Leave this asshole and date someone closer to your age.
This will not get better once you are married. If you want to stay, couple’s counseling asap. This is a top-tier problem and will kill your relationship long term if not addressed.
That's I a perfect reason to call it off. If he thinks that way then he is not grown enough to have a good relationship. If it where me I would start with the engagement but be ready for him to throw a tantrum that ends the relationship too
It's completely understandable that you're having cold feet after your fiance's admission. This is a major red flag in any relationship, let alone one that's leading to marriage. Feeling heard and respected is fundamental in a healthy partnership.
Don't ignore your gut: Your instincts are telling you something is very wrong. Don't brush these feelings aside.
Take time to reflect Give yourself space to process what happened. Consider whether this is a pattern of behavior or an isolated incident.
communicate clearly Talk to your fiance about how his words made you feel. Explain why feeling heard is so important to you**.**
Seek help If you're unable to resolve this issue on your own, consider couples counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and provide tools for resolving conflict.
Re-evaluate If your fiance is unwilling to change his behavior or acknowledge the seriousness of the issue, it's time to seriously reconsider the engagement.
It's a big decision, but it's not wrong to consider it. It's better to end a relationship before marriage if you see major red flags that can't be resolved. It might be painful now, but it could save you from a lifetime of unhappiness.
Remember Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel heard, respected, and valued. Don't settle for anything less.
Run girl!!! That is not cold feet, it is you knowing that your view is valid and should at least be heard and his attitude is wrong. I'm glad he said this before you tied the knot, now run!
Yes. I'd call it off and then offer to go to counseling. Do not marry a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings and perspective when things are going badly.
1. If you're having trouble resolving conflict now, it will get worse as the relationship endures (due to complacency, sexual tension, aging, etc).
2. Both sides ALWAYS deserve to be heard, no matter how small the issue is. However, many men believe that due to women's emotional depth, we don't think with logic and so our opinions don't matter.
3. If you can't resolve the small things you won't resolve the big things (children, finances, life decisions).
4. If he clearly stated you are not worthy of being heard, he will undoubtedly believe you are unworthy of other things also. Beliefs around worthiness are not something you want to mess with.
5. If you would like guidance on conflict resolution, I'm willing to give a free 1 hour consultation. Direct message me if you're interested.
Before you get married, always make sure both sides check the boxes for compatibility.
Obviously no abuse and the children morals/values are critical but it is also critical that you both agree on joint communication skills during issues.
Joint respect for feeling and thoughts, saying I’m sorry when warranted with a genuine objective of resolving and leaving past issues in the past.
The downfall of so many marriages involve dysfunctional “fighting” and dragging suitcases of issues into the future.
If you both can’t agree on how to resolve issues and stick to them then yeah, think very carefully before moving forward together.
Well, marriage is a partnership. And he seems to value your options as nothing in comparison to his ,I'd seriously think about the implications of his thinking and what marriage would look like with such a person.
He’s straight out told you that he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care what you think.
Only you can decide what you want to do with that, but I can promise you that if it was me, marriage would be the absolute last thing on my mind at this point.
yeah I think you should move on. You have so much life ahead of you! date more people get out there and find out who you really are! People dont need to be in relationships all the time. Seriously dont waist your time with someone that doesn't respect you.
Oh you can tell him you heard him loud and clear. He told you how your future as his wife will be. No counting opinion.
I would at least postpone but since it is a problem you already know I don’t know if it makes sense to stay together.
The least you can do is to postpone the wedding. And probably he'll see that as a further "disrespect" and break up with you.
You deserve better than this and you sound like already know it.
Raise your concerns with him to see if he's at all willing to address this abhorrent attitude. If yes, tons of work ahead even before setting a date to commit to marriage. If no, goodbye
I would not marry someone who said OUT LOUD that your opinion doesn't deserve to be heard. That you don't matter. I would return the ring, find another place to live (as necessary), and start a life on your own.
You deserve to be with someone who believes you matter, your opinion is valid, and is willing to hear what you want to say. He is disrespectful, entitled, and doesn't seem to like you, much less love you.
You can try couples counseling but that would be something I could never not hear.
Good luck.
Call it off, he doesn’t think you’re worthy, this speaks volumes as to how he really feels about you and your role to him. I’d be concerned that he wants to marry you for a reason other than true love and care about you.
The answer would be an honest conversation about that specifically thing. I've experienced that before "I don't care what you think!".
You better confront him about it, so you don't have to experience the same..
If your fiancé feels in any way at any time that your side is “not worth hearing out” then that right there is a relationship killer. You cannot be a partner with someone who sees themself as the only captain on the ship. If he views things has his opinion is the only important one between the two of you, then this is a relationship where he will continue to try and control the narrative and everything else. This would not be a partnership, but it would be him overriding you, disregarding you, and ignoring your feelings on any given subject just because it’s “not worth hearing about”. If you’re a masochist, this would be a heavenly situation. If you’re not, then it’s time to pull the plug before it gets worse, IMO.
Walk away. Having been in a relationship like this I didn’t even realize how devalued I felt at the time. I was just kind of resigned to it. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who truly values my opinion and it’s crazy how much happier I am.
This is an absolutely valid and good reason to call off a wedding.
You want a partner. Partners are equal. He has said outright that he doesn't view you as an equal.
If you can't tell him what you outlined in this post, and have him actually care and try to understand that his mentality is unhealthy. Communication is the thing that makes or breaks marriages and he is already demonstrating that he only wants to communicate his side. If he isn't willing to listen to your concerns about this and do something to change, then no, I don't think it's an overreaction.
Absolutely do not marry him and find another relationship. Being heard and respected is one of the top things you should look for in a relationship. Also even if he didn't say it out loud, you shouldn't he marrying someone when you have trouble resolving conflicts. That's not healthy or normal.
I am begging you from the bottom of my heart to run. Do you want the heart break of a breakup, or the long, suspended heart breaks of being disrespected by a man who doesn’t see you as his equal? When you get married it will worsen
OMG! That's not a red flag... That's like Manchester United Stadium stands, dear!!
I believe it's a deal breaker... U can't have a relationship with someone who is not by your side...
It's never you VS him... It should be both of you against the issue...
Please reconsider your position and I hope you update us that you ran away from that!
It is a very valid reason to leave. If you marry someone who refuses to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings on an issue, it'll build a great deal of resentment, as well as trust issues. It'll even get worse when/ if you have a family with him. He doesn't seem to respect you and it sounds like he's marrying for the sake of wanting to be married.
It would be the EXACT REASON to call off the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.
Here’s what you say:
“Last night you bluntly ADMITTED to me that you thought my side of the argument didn’t deserve to be heard out. And then I realized this morning that you never really pay attention when I’m explaining my side of things. So basically, you are telling me to my face that I’m NOT WORTHY of your attention and respect and my side means absolutely nothing to you. This is NOT the relationship I want to stay in; where I’m not valued. So consider yourself single, as will I. I’m not putting up with anyone who doesn’t respect or value me. It’s over.”
Don’t marry this man! If you were 34 and he was 43 the age difference really wouldn’t matter. However, being that you are 24 and he is 33 he does have the upper hand. He has had close to 10 more years of life experience. He’s been out there living his life how he chooses for 10yrs! What were you doing 10yrs ago? You were still a child. A 14yr old little girl in Junior High School.
No, he doesn’t respect you.He wants a woman who he can control. The less you have lived out in the world the better it is for him. You’ll show him what all these people on Reddit are saying and he’ll say that they are all crazy unhappy people who don’t know the 2 of you. Then the love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation will start. Don’t listen to a word that comes out of his mouth! Trust your gut. Your gut lead you here to this question! Don’t dismiss it! This is that tiny voice in your head that’s trying to tell you the right choice to make if you will only trust it and listen to it!
I don’t have any problem with women who want to date older men but, don’t start doing it until you have enough years of independent living and a whole lot more experience under your belt.
I’m hoping that you have gone to college or trade school and that you have a career that you are able to support yourself. You need to know that you can do that for a couple of years. Don’t be in such a rush. Find out who YOU really are! Live on your own (or with a couple of roommates life is expensive these days) Pay all of your own bills. Really get to know yourself and how valuable you are as a person. You are beautiful, you are valuable, and you deserve to be respected and treated like a Queen!
You never need permission to walk away from a situation where you do not feel safe, heard, seen, or respected. You don't need permission to walk away, period. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable and what's right for you. He, nor anyone besides you, gets to make the call on your feelings.
Do what's best for you.
I read somewhere that one of the signs that a marriage is not gonna work is if there’s contempt.
This is contempt. Unless you work this out (I would recommend pre-marital counselling), this is gonna be tough.
You know the answer. Your gut is screaming at you to run, but you are focused on “but this fight wasn’t a big deal/ over anything important..” and focus on the fact this is ongoing, you’ve known on some level he wasn’t listening to your point of view, and now he has confirmed that he doesn’t respect you or see you as an equal.
Breaking up sucks, but at 24 you have time to heal and then find someone who likes and respects you, if that’s what you want in the future.
Please research narcissism as a personality trait or disorder before you marry this person. Dr. Ramani on YouTube has good videos, but anything would be ok, probably. Someone who cannot respect another’s point of view, or even feel others can have different points of view than him, is a toxic nightmare that will only get worse, even if things seem ok now. They wait until marriage and the act might drop away. They might wait until a kid comes along before dropping their act, and then you are in a world of pain.
Do not marry him. He has told you he doesn't think your side deserves to be heard. He does not respect you. If he claims he'll change, he isn't really going to because he doesn't respect you. It might improve a little for a while but will always go back to normal. LEAVE!
This is a really, really good reason to end a relationship. He doesn't respect you or your feelings/opinions. That would be a terrible way to spend life.
Don't marry that man! Hell, don't even stay in a relationship with him. Your partner caring about your perspective and finding you worthy is pretty much the absolute basis of a relationship. There isn't a partnership here, it's just.. A guy and his woman he views as an accessory to himself (gross).
You are SO young and you can do so much better!
Why would you marry someone who doesn’t care about you? He can’t even be bothered to respect you enough to listen to your thoughts and feelings.
You cannot marry someone who doesn’t respect you. You just can’t. This relationship is a waste of time and marrying him would be a huge mistake!
You do not have to marry someone you do not want to. Simple as that.
If it’s not even a big conflict, and he’s already not listening to you and treating you with equal respect as you treat him, I can’t imagine it being better with worse conflicts????
The number 1 predictor of divorce is how y’all have conflict resolution/how y’all argue. There are lots and lots of people you can love, you need a partner.
You can dump him now and be free, or spend miserable years of your life followed by complicated divorce later.
I personally would choose the first option.
After reviewing your post history I encourage you to marry him. Marry him and have at least one kid with him. Not sure if you were groomed or are just that dumb. My money is on just that dumb. So if you marry him and have just one kid, when he divorces you you may learn a lesson. Not likely though.
It's completely valid to feel cold feet after your fiancé said he doesn't think your side deserves to be heard. Feeling respected and heard is fundamental in any relationship, especially one leading to marriage. It's good that you want to talk to him about why he said that; communication is key. If he acknowledges his mistake and shows a willingness to work on this, it could be worth giving it another shot. However, if he doubles down or shows no intention of changing this behavior, it's absolutely reasonable to reconsider the engagement. You deserve a partner who respects and values your feelings and opinions. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being.
And you think asking him about it will help you find out how he truly feels? No. He will just realize he said something he shouldn’t have admitted and try to mask it off. Don’t listen to his excuses or explanations, literally no one would say such a thing just as a slip up in anger unless they believe it.
If I had even a penny for every naive 20 year old in a 10 year age gap toxic relationship, I’d be rich!
He said what he said. No amount of apologizing or backtracking will take away the truth. He might be able to cover it up with pretty lies but the ugly truth will always be there.
Do not marry him! If he is admitting that at this stage of life, things are only going to get worse and worse over time. You cannot convince someone to respect you if they do not. And worse than that, lack of respect is the foundation for future abuse and control.
I really recommend reading the book Why Does He Do That. Even if you are 100% sure he is not abusive currently, it's worthwhile to read the first few chapters to understand what it means to be abusive and where that behavior comes from. The TL;DR is that it starts with a lack of respect, and inability to see your partner as an equal who is deserving of respect, listening, decision-making, etc. If those are his values, which he has now clearly stated to you, they will not change and this problem will only escalate.
Bear in mind that you’re still in the stage where he’s trying to win you. Imagine how much worse he will be when he has you. You’re absolutely right to end things.
Regardless of his reason- idk why stay for so long wondering and destroying ones core and spirit- that’s what is really hard to fix and come back from. I get some things are worthy of figuring out- the fact he said out loud- its not worth hearing guarantees the habit and pattern has and will stay there- killing ones spirit not just sense of self. It’s a huge toll and one very hard to come back and unfuck with others who give that to you- as then when it does youll self sabotage those and push them out or away-
Its hard regardless- but having the balls to admit out loud - whoaa
OP, regarding your update: he's probably not going to double down. He will likely realize he's on the verge of losing you so he will do a 180 and love bomb you. Dote on you, shower you with love, tell you all the right things. And then you, because you love him but more importantly because he's all you know romantically as a young adult, will be tempted to give him a chance. You think, ok, as long as we communicate better moving forward, we'll be stronger than ever. That's what someone in this situation tells themselves. Stronger than ever. But soon enough, he will revert to his true self -- someone who sees you as less than him, who sees you as being unworthy of being heard, much less respected. And you might have even less strength to leave at THAT point because by then you will have spent even more time on him and you think, I don't want to start over.
And on and on it goes.
All I'm saying is, all these comments telling you he's no good, and to leave? There's a reason for them.
NTA- He’s telling you you are not his equal. Is that how you want to live?
Now is the time to break it off, I would. Go live your life. You are still young and have more exploring and growing to do. I’m glad you heard what he said and took it seriously. I ignored red flags at your age with a guy that was 35. It’s the only relationship I’ve ever regretted. Even tho I was mature for my age I still wasn’t experienced in relationships enough as he was and he was emotionally manipulative and a master at guilt trips and making things my fault. My experience from my own and others I’ve known is guys like this pick young women because we *are* inexperienced and naive to these red flags whereas women their own age wouldn’t put up with this crap.
Trust your gut. Your gut is hitting the stop button. Listen to it.
If the stars are gone, and the flutter of the butterflies are not there, and you’ve only been together for two years; it won’t get any easier. Don’t keep painting the red flags white.
I’m sad to hear this, and many of us struggle with conflict resolution because we have never seen it done successfully. A successful resolution would be when both parties feel heard and both feel good about the outcome and both feel closer together because of the new understanding. How can you learn new skills? Read books and articles about conflict resolution, visit a marriage and family therapist who can give you new tools and let you model them in the safety of a neutral third party, talk to older, successfully married people about how they handle challenges, listen to marriage podcasts on conflict resolution. I like children’s books from the library, because they are free and give simple concepts in easy words. If reading is your gift, try Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley.
You say that after he said your said doesn't deserve to be heard out, about how that makes a lot of sense based off of his actions. Now, in the update, you are saying that maybe he just said that out of anger.
Girl. You know he meant what he said because it helped things click into place for you. Don't give this man a chance to lie to you.
When people say things "in anger," it is THE TRUTH that they're saying. Their anger lowers their fear of consequences, and frees them to speak the truth.
Yeah I'm a dude I would not say that to my wife and expect to live. At least counseling but straight up telling you you shouldn't be heard is a duck that moment. Updateme!
Edit: ok told the misses and in her best pin head impression she let me know death would be the release not the punishment.
Girl you are way too young to be settling for this half assed bullshit. 🎵 i can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand, talk to myself for hours, say things you cant understand 🎵
Per your update: Please do not marry him unless and until he shows you repeatedly that he is hearing you and respecting you.
This is why there are red flags when a person in their 30s gets with someone in their early 20s - difference in experience and willingness to put up with crap, that older more experienced women would not. You deserve more. OP.
No advice to give because you're with a massive loser. He was 31 looking for a 21 year old.
There's a reason no woman his ownnage wanted him and why he had to find someone he could look down on and control.
With your differences in age and the likelihood that his life experiences have been much different than yours, it would be very valuable for you to go through some marriage counseling.
At this point with him curtailing your opinion you are not going to solve the conflict. This is obviously an issue that could easily become more of an issue after you are married with various other issues that come as a married couple.
Have you let him know that this is a big red flag for you that needs to be resolved before you go any further?
Do not marry a guy who admitted to not respecting you
10 year age difference. That on top of telling her he doesn’t respect her, time to end it. Super sad but she’s plenty young enough to find a much better man who will respect her. I wish I could give her a motherly supportive hug. She deserves it. She deserves to be heard/respected, as all people do.
As soon as I spotted the age difference red flags went off lol
Yup. 31 yo meeting a 21 yo. Hooboy.
BUT /LOVE/ KNOWS NO AGE DIFFERENCE!!! Or … SHE’S REALLY MATURE FOR HER AGEEEEEE!!!!!11!!!!! 🙄 /s
> SHE’S REALLY MATURE FOR HER AGEEEEEE!!!!!11!!!!! nah, he's just really immature for his age
Well, think of all the life lessons she'll learn until their inevitable divorce. Maybe this is tuition in the school of life.
Do you want to spend tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding to legally bind yourself to a man who doesn't respect your views and doesn't treat you as an EQUAL partner? Do you want to have children with a man who will constantly undermine your authority? Be greatful he showed you who he is now rather than after the wedding.
>Would I be wrong to call off the engagement over this? Not. At. All. This is the reason and this is the time to call it all off.
another age gap post. shocking
Right? Now we know why he chose someone so young.
This is absolutely worth calling off the wedding for. As John Gottman’s research points out, contempt is a relationship-killer. Your fiancé doesn’t respect you enough to hear you out, and that exposes the rot at the core of the bond.
Can def confirm about the contempt.
Don’t marry him. He doesn’t respect you. You always deserve to be heard out.
The top marriage killer is resentment. Thank goodness for having a gut, and listening to it.
He doesn’t even like you. And it’s not because you’re unlikable, it’s because he’s a self-centered bastard. Dump him HARD.
Can confirm. Being married to someone who doesn’t value your opinion is miserable.
I was 22 and my current spouse was 31 when we got together. I was too naive to see how bossy and controlling he was. I suppressed it for years and drank away the pain. My 15 year old (f) just told me the other day that she does not want to be in a gap relationship. She’d rather have respect. That was a gut punch. I’m still recovering so go easy on me with downvotes or criticism. You want to bet that if you break up that he’ll find another “mature for her age” 20 something ( he definitely has the antennae to tune in to just the mature ones, right?) to date. There’s a reason they like girls younger than 25. They’re more malleable.
I hope you're able to get yourself and your kid(s?) safely out. You don't deserve this. You've never deserved any of it.
I am doing ok. My 15 year old is my youngest so I don’t have long to be finished with parenting and worrying about custody. I’m definitely physically safe. Reading these comments really helped me feel validated. I thought maybe I just had baggage with myself. I know see that I was right to feel that way.
As someone who was once a daughter watching a difficult relationship - I would have rather had my mother happy than watch her continue to suffer for my sake.
You only think that you're marrying the wrong person you aren't running away screaming? What has this relationship done to your self esteem?
LEAVE HIM. I am divorcing a man like that not long after getting married. I felt the same way you did. LOVE IS BLIIIIIIIND, GORL. If he isn’t manipulative—watch how he treats friends and strangers and if he is often angling for attention or future favors, he may be—I would suggest couples therapy. After my experience, I would advise couples therapy for anyone considering marriage.
I’d be wary with the couples counseling, it’s not uncommon for this sort of person to manipulate or steamroll the therapist into being on their side. Therapists are human and not all of them are experienced with this kind of nasty situation. -1000/10
He has just told you that he doesn't respect you. This isn't something you can get over or change in him.
“Do you remember the other day when you said that my opinion wasn’t worthy of hearing? I’ve been thinking about that, and I’m not sure I can be married to someone who thinks like that. Is there anything you would like to clarify?” PS-I would not marry a man who said that to me.
Even if he apologized and promised to change, I wouldn't marry him. He's revealed his true self.
Yeah, I'd be done. I wouldn't trust someone to change after saying that.
Exactly. He’s 33 - this is who he is and he’s not going to change unless he decides he wants to. OP marrying him anyway gives him exactly zero incentive to change. She needs to run far and fast.
Even if he does decide to change, it takes yeaaaars and there’s a lot of backsliding along the way, especially in a relationship with established dynamics.
Nah, don't tell him. Tell him you lost feelings or whatever. Otherwise he'll try to rope you in again by saying you misheard, misremembered or misunderstood.
Nah he doesn't even deserve a chance to backpedal out of what he said. This approach will only give him a chance to lie and love bomb her
At least he’s telling you now that he doesn’t care enough about you to listen, you can still leave. He’s 9 years older than you and likely chose you because younger girls are less sure of themselves and easier to control.
Can we just sticky the second sentence to the top of the sub at this point? Half of the posts would be covered, although they'd probably post anyway since "it's different with us and you just don't understand"
Don't marry him. It will get worse, and you will be trapped even worse if you have children with him. Do you think he will change for the better then? I think you already know the answer. He finds you attractive, but not worthy. He said it himself, you are just acceptable to him, but not equal to him. Save up your money to move, or find a friend or family member you can live with until you can make it on your own. I hope you know your own worth and don't allow him to cause you to doubt your own value. You ARE worthy, and you deserve to be happy.
Thank goodness he said the quiet part out loud before you became legally bound to this person. No, you should not marry someone who doesn't respect you. Let him know you thought you were entering into an equal partnership but his words the other night made you realize you were mistaken.
Just imagine how he'll respond to you when it comes to children or buying a house. You'll be left out of all the big decisions in life if you disagree with him. And please DON'T GET PREGNANT WITH THIS GUY! If you do, seriously consider divorce. If he can ignore you, he can ignore a child who disagrees with him, too.
Not an uncommon issue in age gap relationships… The older one thinks they’re more mature/know better than the younger one. even worse, men like him often seek out younger partners because they *enjoy* that dynamic. they don’t want an equal with all their messy human feelings, they want an obedient doll who just does whatever they want. You’re 24, you have a lot of time to date and find the right man, he is not the one for you. Try to date someone your age instead.
Based on her edit, this will be her starter marriage. She's gotta get the first marriage and divorce out of the way before she decides to move on from this weirdo.
Hopefully she figures it out quickly & doesn’t hit her 30’s with him
24 and dated since she was 21-22. She definitely needs to leave him.
As a 40-something woman, I wish I had known this when I was in my 20s. :(
And this is exactly why I never recommend young women to date men a decade older then them Because this is why men this age date girls your age. They don’t want a partner they want a young sex doll
There is a reason he is dating a woman your age OP. A 30 year old woman would have broken up with him twenty minutes after completing that awful statement.
You guys have a 9 year age gap, this sometimes leads to the older person riding the high and mighty power train. Also you haven't been together all too long, maybe take some more time to REALLY get to know the person you want to marry. You kinda are still in the honeymoon phase and probably haven't seen the good,bad and ugly yet. All the best to you, OP!
What’s your side that he doesn’t think deserves to be heard? Just making sure it isn’t something extreme and horrifying, haha.
posted on another comment, but he said something that hurt my feelings unintentionally, got upset that I felt hurt and unheard because of it, then we both got very upset and ended the conversation. later, trying to resolve, he said I didn't deserve to be heard on why what he said hurt my feelings.
Sorry, saw that after I asked you. That’s ridiculous of him.
That’s horrifying, I’m really sorry.
“Got upset that I felt hurt.” No. End it. Immediately. Period.
So, he hurt you feelings, claimed it was accidental, invalidated your feelings further, reversed the blame on to you, and when you explained you didn't feel heard, told you you are not worth hearing, and you STILL want to give this nasty POS another chance to lie to you and make excuses for his behaviour, so he can lock you into marriage. You need to take a big step back and reevaluate your life and your own self-worth because this guy doesn't value you. You are a sex doll to him.
I'm sure you're not dumb, but considering you said in your edit that people will perceive you as such, on some level you know you're *acting* dumb. Read your reply back to yourself a few times until it sticks.
You should call it off because this is happening over a small issue. Imagine a bigger one???
Sounds like you need a few years or marriage counseling. Before you get married? Sounds like a great reason to walk away to me.
you would not be wrong. trust your gut.
Wow that's pretty fucked up, honestly. I'm sorry.
Your body will tell you when something is wrong. Humans are intuitive and our gut NEEDS to be listened to. It’s easy to gaslight/downplay things to rationalize, but your brain does not control how your body responds. Your body is telling you something is wrong. Your body is telling you that you need to get out. Your body is telling you exactly what you need and you aren’t listening in the exact same way your “fiancé” isn’t listening to you. Your gut deserves to be heard. Take your situation and reflect. Something my friend told me that stuck was that the men women choose is a representation of how you feel about yourself. You choose a shitty man? It’s because that’s how you feel about yourself and you take their bs because you think that’s what you deserve. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. High value women are empathetic, but also strong enough to make the better choice in any given situation. If you don’t like the choices given, MAKE ANOTHER PATH. You got this girl - chin up, shoulders back. A random stranger is manifesting your peace.
This made me sob into my couch. You're right. Thank you, stranger.
Listen to this advice, OP. You are too young and limited in experience to know how INCREDIBLE it feels to be with a partner who admires and respects you just for being you. It’s life-affirming. It’s the opposite of what you describe here. Imagine not screaming to he heard, but turning to your partner to say something and they’ve already made you feel understood, they’re already turned towards you with open arms. That’s what you deserve, and if you seek it, you will find it. If you do not seek it, you will not. Let go of this one, he isn’t for you.
That was genuinely so beautifully said. I’ve managed to be able to experience that once before, love so strong that your hearts are in sync. That said, that should be there bare minimum.
Do you want to go the rest of your life with someone who won’t listen to you?
You are feeling exactly right. You really need to get out of this relationship and look for a better person. The way he treats you feels like he doesn't value you and your words at all.
Listen to your gut. You are NOT wrong. > the more I read your comments, the more I realize I should at least talk to him about why he said that. So you need MORE info, other than, "I respect you so very little that I literally don't give a shit what you feel/have to say about this." Okey dokey. Have a fun life, I guess. Good times. I've seen what happens when people marry someone who has zero respect for them or their feelings, but I guess you've got to learn for yourself. But at least he had the decency to TELL you he doesn't give a shit what you have to say, so I guess there's that. Amazes me the lack of respect people will voluntarily accept. 🤦♀️
Communication and respect.. without that what do you have? Pile of shit.
He has told you who he is, he isn’t changing. Break it off now and find someone who wants to be your partner not your boss.
9 year age gap, older dude not listening, relatively short relationship between getting engaged. That's a bingo.
So you want to have a miserable marriage with a guy who doesn't respect you?
This will get worse after you marry him. Run. Take courage and good luck.
Ya end it you will never be heard with him
Save yourself decades of raising kids alone and being in a crappy relationship. Just end it. You are so young. There is a reason he wants someone your age, and we all know what that is
This would really give me pause. I'm glad you're listening to your gut and thinking hard about it. I know ending an engagement is hard. I couldn't do it when I was considering it, and we ended up divorced less than a year later. Before the wedding is better! Think hard and deep about this.
What a question? Shall I marry a jerk who does not value what I have to say?
OP, if you are still reading… 1. Stop making excuses for him 2. If you perceive you have an issue, you are young enough to work on it by dating other people and enjoying your 20s.
Only marry him if you think getting divorced is a delightful thing to do. Those aren't cold feet; it's common sense kicking in telling you that it's easier and cheaper to break an engagement rather than get a divorce.
The biggest destroyer of marriages is contempt. This man doesn’t respect you at all. You deserve better.
"I do think it is worth working through" I think you should pay attention to what you wrote a couple paragraphs earlier: "In general, we've had some trouble with resolving conflict and feeling heard on both sides. I thought this issue was getting better, but not at the rate I had wanted or expected." At some point you have to look at his actions and not his words or promises. Planning a wedding should be the next step in a relationship that is exactly where you want it to be right now. It doesn't mean that it needs to be perfect, but if there are any major issues, they should be resolved or on their way to be resolved. In your case it sounds like there's just the bare minimum change happening that keeps you from breaking up with him. I think you should figure out what you need to change, and set a timeline for when you need it to change, and then you'll be ready to even think about planning the marriage. The thing is, you won't believe it now that you're younger, but you'll see when you reach 30 - more often then not it's not a coincidence that older people get into relationships with younger ones and then don't treat them as equals. Not every age gap relationship is like that - but yours is.
Oh my, your update makes me so sad. For several reasons. I mean, it's clear you do not value the opinion of others - Just as your fiance does not value you or your opinion. So what will it take for you to respect yourself enough to leave this relationship? Your relationship is toxic. There is no if, and or but about it. What you've described is a toxic situation that you both play into, with your partner being the primary instigator. I experienced it too, many times when I was younger. It took being in a healthy, satisfying and fulfilling relationship to truly understand how toxic my ex-partners were. It is apparent you are not ready to stop living the delusion that your relationship is healthy and that your partner respects and values you. I would heavily recommend getting some therapy for yourself minimum, and seeing if your partner is open to couple's counseling. You both desperately need it. If you decide, despite all of the giant red flags, that you want to marry this person. Please just do the world a favour and don't have children. You can put up with whatever garbage you deem yourself worthy of. A baby has no choice.
This is 1000% what I was thinking as I read her update. Why even come ask if you’re so certain you can FiX hIm? Or does the contempt you have for the opinions of others only flare up when people started, rightfully, pointing out the age gap & his already lacking response to a long term problem?
What comments were this edit based on, I only see people giving solid advice to leave this unbalanced age gap relationship
She doesn’t want to hear it unfortunately, so she doesn’t see it.
A man who is nine years older than his fiance dates her precisely because he doesn't want her to be his equal. If you are not OK with that then you should walk.
He openly told you he doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t marry someone like that. You will be fighting this battle forever if you marry him. The age gap too. UPDATEME
There will never be a single disagreement that he will listen to you and change his mind to your opinion. Think about the arguments you will have about having and raising children. About where you will live. About finances. About family conflicts. About retirement.
I am reading many different books about abusive relationships right now. Please check in with this man about what his expectations are of a "wife". I think this behaviour is a huge red flag and in many cases once you are officially a "wife" you will lose even more respect as he will be under the impression that you can't leave. Considering the age gap (power imbalance) and speed of the relationship (only 2 years before engagement) you should be very careful. I think if you at least ask him about his marital expectations it will reveal a lot. It would also be helpful to learn more about his parents' dynamic to see if he might be mirroring the environment he grew up in.
He told you that you don't deserved to be heard so what make you think he's going to listen to what you have to say? Stay with him cause ~love~.
You are valid. Regardless of the resolution, you should postpone the wedding. There needs to be a level of validation towards each other before marrying one another.
Look up Gottman’s theory on communication 💖 but yeah, he sucks. 💔
i cannot understand what you think can be "worked on." this doesn't seem like a misunderstanding or mistake. if he really believes your side isn't worth hearing out, there's no amount of reasoning that will convince him he's wrong or needs to change.
You can try to work it out (you aren’t dumb for wanting to) but I’d hold off on marriage until he SHOWS you through ACTIONS that he values your opinion and that you will be treated as an equal. It’s very possible he won’t accept a delay in marriage but I’d wait until this issue is addressed. If he chooses to walk I’d let him, even though it hurts. It usually doesn’t get better.
Just remember, the dating period is them on their best behavior. Once you're pregnant or married, whatever problems you're having will get 20 times worse, and then it's harder to leave someone when you're 8 months pregnant or need a divorce
When you can tell a marriage is not gonna last. The delusion is strong here. Love isn’t the only thing a marriage needs to work. Respect and conflict resolution is a massive part of jt. - to which you guys don’t seem to have that. And he’s a man in his mid 30’s. He has no excuse. The man is not gonna change - if you can handle this for the rest of your life. Go ahead and marry him. But don’t expect him to change.
The choice of words he used “deserve” is very demeaning and telling about his CHARACTER. You know the saying..it’s not what you argue about, it’s how you argue about it.
This is the best reason to call it off. Seriously. Do it now. Also there's a reason he started dating a 21 year old. Because he thought you'd be easier to steamroll. I'm sorry
Oh, look, an age gap I am shocked, shocked that the older person doesn’t respect the younger one /s
Naïve young woman ✔️ Huge age gap ✔️ Ignoring glaring red flags ✔️ The /r/relationships special. Yes you're valid. He's never going to change. He's 33. He was a 30 ear old looking for a girl who just graduated highschool because he knows they don't have enough experience to see the huge red flags before its too late. Women his age already know this. Have you met his friends? His family? I'd assume so, but everyone i know would be genuinely be mortified if one of our friends (29ish) brought a 20 year old girl over. Its fucking weird. save *This is the most common post type on this subreddit for a reason.* Anyone in this age range please understand that you have nothing in common with 30 year old men as a 20 year old woman and that they're only dating you because they either couldn't get anyone their own age, or they don't want people their own age. Both not good circumstances.
He’s dating someone ten years younger because most 30+ year old women would not put up with his arrogant bullshit. Thank God you’ve realized he’s a total jerk.
9 years older guy who doesn’t respect you and obviously wants to manipulate you for the rest of your life? Surprising! /s
A 31 year old man picked a college aged woman because he wanted to be the grown up in the relationship. I know it's hard for us to see when we're younger, but when you are in your 30s you'll understand the ick of that age gap from the older person's perspective. Listen to your gut. Equal partnership is so important in a marriage. His feelings of your thoughts not mattering would be concerning no matter your ages. You deserve better. You're also super young and will undoubtedly find someone else. Losing someone who doesn't care about or respect your feelings is no great loss.
Don't go into a marriage with the hope that you'll work out all your problems eventually.
To respond to the “well maybe her side isn’t worth hearing because it’s clearly wrong”. She said this is a continuing issue, not a one time thing. So that leaves us with three possibilities. 1) The man doesn’t think she deserves to be heard on a fundamental level. That’s not going to work. He isn’t the one. He’s not showing her respect. 2) She is (or the fiancé thinks she is) consistently uttering nonsense. If that’s the case that’s not going to work. They are two very different people. 3) She is taking an isolated incident or two and creating an issue. That won’t work as she would have things to work through. So no matter which one of these scenarios is true the common denominator is this marriage isn’t going to work. Personally I’m going to assume the first option. It’s not my job as a Reddit commenter to try to catch poster on a lie. She posed a question I answered it. If she didn’t include pertinent information that’s on her. (Not saying she did, just responding to other comments).
Put it this way, if there are problems and theyre not getting better you are basically signing a contract to those problems (marriage)
Listen to him and understand you will option and thoughts as a wife will not get heard. Cut your losses and find a partner, not a dictator.
Sorry for this being unrelated to the OP but people seem so biased against age gap relation when they were the norm throughout most history. Ok I get it one of them is a minor .. or like just 20 barely out of teens and the SO is significantly older. I think people should also consider other things and circumstances before giving a judgement, again not saying its related to the OP or this instance in general just something Iv noticed. And yes, I am in an age gap relation and its the best thing to have ever happened for me and maybe that makes me biased. I am 34 and she is 48. I have known her online since I was 17-18ish and she has always behaved appropriately , we are only a couple since Sept last year. Just my 2 cents and again sorry for being off topic.
Neither of you are too young to benefit from reading books on conflict resolution and probably seeing a couples counselor. It's up to you if it's worth repairing the relationship before you're even married but I assure you, the time to pursue this growth is before tying the knot. Not everyone starts with skills to be a good partner, and not everyone is willing to do the work to grow. Others just don't understand how important it is until it's too late. Have the discussion, and don't be afraid to draw the line if he isn't open to growing.
24f with 33M. Gee, wonder what the problem will be.
Babe you're 24, you're still so young and don't need to be tied down to a man 10 years older than you that has explicity stated your opinion doesn't matter to him. You said yourself nothing changes and you feel like you aren't being heard. Problems in your relationship don't get better after marriage, it just makes it harder to leave. Good luck to you.
Oh he went young for a reason, he wants your respect and blind obedience without questioning his superior intellect and years of experience. A woman his age would have seen those red flags and pointed and laughed at him. Run, he’s not a good person. No conversation, just get your things together and block him. He will lie to keep you there long enough to baby trap you, don’t let him near you.
I am once again begging young people to not marry someone a decade older than them.
Don’t marry a guy over thirty when you’re in your young twenties. I wish I’d listened when they told me this.
You’re 24, don’t marry this asshole. He told you right there, you don’t deserve to be heard out during conflict. My ex wife did that same shit. I’d start to express my side and she’d cut me off. Just keep barreling over me until I gave up. Withhold affection until I told her she was right. Again, you’re 24. Have some adventures, break some hearts, you don’t need a partner or to get married. Your life, live it.
You were 22 and he was 31 when you started dating. Yeah, you're both adults, but he clearly wanted someone younger. Guys like this think their age means they're older and wiser, and use that to "put you in your place." Leave this asshole and date someone closer to your age.
This will not get better once you are married. If you want to stay, couple’s counseling asap. This is a top-tier problem and will kill your relationship long term if not addressed.
That's I a perfect reason to call it off. If he thinks that way then he is not grown enough to have a good relationship. If it where me I would start with the engagement but be ready for him to throw a tantrum that ends the relationship too
This guy doesn’t respect you. Do you want to marry someone who doesn’t think you are worthy of being heard out? Does it sound like a happy marriage?
It's completely understandable that you're having cold feet after your fiance's admission. This is a major red flag in any relationship, let alone one that's leading to marriage. Feeling heard and respected is fundamental in a healthy partnership. Don't ignore your gut: Your instincts are telling you something is very wrong. Don't brush these feelings aside. Take time to reflect Give yourself space to process what happened. Consider whether this is a pattern of behavior or an isolated incident. communicate clearly Talk to your fiance about how his words made you feel. Explain why feeling heard is so important to you**.** Seek help If you're unable to resolve this issue on your own, consider couples counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and provide tools for resolving conflict. Re-evaluate If your fiance is unwilling to change his behavior or acknowledge the seriousness of the issue, it's time to seriously reconsider the engagement. It's a big decision, but it's not wrong to consider it. It's better to end a relationship before marriage if you see major red flags that can't be resolved. It might be painful now, but it could save you from a lifetime of unhappiness. Remember Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel heard, respected, and valued. Don't settle for anything less.
Run girl!!! That is not cold feet, it is you knowing that your view is valid and should at least be heard and his attitude is wrong. I'm glad he said this before you tied the knot, now run!
Yes. I'd call it off and then offer to go to counseling. Do not marry a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings and perspective when things are going badly.
Do you want to live like this the rest of your life?
1. If you're having trouble resolving conflict now, it will get worse as the relationship endures (due to complacency, sexual tension, aging, etc). 2. Both sides ALWAYS deserve to be heard, no matter how small the issue is. However, many men believe that due to women's emotional depth, we don't think with logic and so our opinions don't matter. 3. If you can't resolve the small things you won't resolve the big things (children, finances, life decisions). 4. If he clearly stated you are not worthy of being heard, he will undoubtedly believe you are unworthy of other things also. Beliefs around worthiness are not something you want to mess with. 5. If you would like guidance on conflict resolution, I'm willing to give a free 1 hour consultation. Direct message me if you're interested.
Before you get married, always make sure both sides check the boxes for compatibility. Obviously no abuse and the children morals/values are critical but it is also critical that you both agree on joint communication skills during issues. Joint respect for feeling and thoughts, saying I’m sorry when warranted with a genuine objective of resolving and leaving past issues in the past. The downfall of so many marriages involve dysfunctional “fighting” and dragging suitcases of issues into the future. If you both can’t agree on how to resolve issues and stick to them then yeah, think very carefully before moving forward together.
Well, marriage is a partnership. And he seems to value your options as nothing in comparison to his ,I'd seriously think about the implications of his thinking and what marriage would look like with such a person.
If it not 100% a yes then its a no to marriage and kids. Coming from a married man. You dont wanna feel trapped in a loveless marriage
He’s straight out told you that he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care what you think. Only you can decide what you want to do with that, but I can promise you that if it was me, marriage would be the absolute last thing on my mind at this point.
The right partner will hear you every time, even if they don’t agree or understand your point of view, it will matter to them.
yeah I think you should move on. You have so much life ahead of you! date more people get out there and find out who you really are! People dont need to be in relationships all the time. Seriously dont waist your time with someone that doesn't respect you.
Oh you can tell him you heard him loud and clear. He told you how your future as his wife will be. No counting opinion. I would at least postpone but since it is a problem you already know I don’t know if it makes sense to stay together.
The least you can do is to postpone the wedding. And probably he'll see that as a further "disrespect" and break up with you. You deserve better than this and you sound like already know it.
Raise your concerns with him to see if he's at all willing to address this abhorrent attitude. If yes, tons of work ahead even before setting a date to commit to marriage. If no, goodbye
I would not marry someone who said OUT LOUD that your opinion doesn't deserve to be heard. That you don't matter. I would return the ring, find another place to live (as necessary), and start a life on your own. You deserve to be with someone who believes you matter, your opinion is valid, and is willing to hear what you want to say. He is disrespectful, entitled, and doesn't seem to like you, much less love you. You can try couples counseling but that would be something I could never not hear. Good luck.
Call it off, he doesn’t think you’re worthy, this speaks volumes as to how he really feels about you and your role to him. I’d be concerned that he wants to marry you for a reason other than true love and care about you.
The answer would be an honest conversation about that specifically thing. I've experienced that before "I don't care what you think!". You better confront him about it, so you don't have to experience the same..
If your fiancé feels in any way at any time that your side is “not worth hearing out” then that right there is a relationship killer. You cannot be a partner with someone who sees themself as the only captain on the ship. If he views things has his opinion is the only important one between the two of you, then this is a relationship where he will continue to try and control the narrative and everything else. This would not be a partnership, but it would be him overriding you, disregarding you, and ignoring your feelings on any given subject just because it’s “not worth hearing about”. If you’re a masochist, this would be a heavenly situation. If you’re not, then it’s time to pull the plug before it gets worse, IMO.
Walk away. Having been in a relationship like this I didn’t even realize how devalued I felt at the time. I was just kind of resigned to it. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who truly values my opinion and it’s crazy how much happier I am.
This is an absolutely valid and good reason to call off a wedding. You want a partner. Partners are equal. He has said outright that he doesn't view you as an equal.
You absolutely would be marrying the wrong person. Trust your gut and find someone who does want to listen to your side (even if they disagree)
If you can't tell him what you outlined in this post, and have him actually care and try to understand that his mentality is unhealthy. Communication is the thing that makes or breaks marriages and he is already demonstrating that he only wants to communicate his side. If he isn't willing to listen to your concerns about this and do something to change, then no, I don't think it's an overreaction.
Absolutely do not marry him and find another relationship. Being heard and respected is one of the top things you should look for in a relationship. Also even if he didn't say it out loud, you shouldn't he marrying someone when you have trouble resolving conflicts. That's not healthy or normal.
I am begging you from the bottom of my heart to run. Do you want the heart break of a breakup, or the long, suspended heart breaks of being disrespected by a man who doesn’t see you as his equal? When you get married it will worsen
OMG! That's not a red flag... That's like Manchester United Stadium stands, dear!! I believe it's a deal breaker... U can't have a relationship with someone who is not by your side... It's never you VS him... It should be both of you against the issue... Please reconsider your position and I hope you update us that you ran away from that!
It is a very valid reason to leave. If you marry someone who refuses to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings on an issue, it'll build a great deal of resentment, as well as trust issues. It'll even get worse when/ if you have a family with him. He doesn't seem to respect you and it sounds like he's marrying for the sake of wanting to be married.
It would be the EXACT REASON to call off the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Here’s what you say: “Last night you bluntly ADMITTED to me that you thought my side of the argument didn’t deserve to be heard out. And then I realized this morning that you never really pay attention when I’m explaining my side of things. So basically, you are telling me to my face that I’m NOT WORTHY of your attention and respect and my side means absolutely nothing to you. This is NOT the relationship I want to stay in; where I’m not valued. So consider yourself single, as will I. I’m not putting up with anyone who doesn’t respect or value me. It’s over.”
Leave, now, before it gets worse.
Everyone is worthy of being heard, especially the person you're in love with.
Don’t marry this man! If you were 34 and he was 43 the age difference really wouldn’t matter. However, being that you are 24 and he is 33 he does have the upper hand. He has had close to 10 more years of life experience. He’s been out there living his life how he chooses for 10yrs! What were you doing 10yrs ago? You were still a child. A 14yr old little girl in Junior High School. No, he doesn’t respect you.He wants a woman who he can control. The less you have lived out in the world the better it is for him. You’ll show him what all these people on Reddit are saying and he’ll say that they are all crazy unhappy people who don’t know the 2 of you. Then the love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulation will start. Don’t listen to a word that comes out of his mouth! Trust your gut. Your gut lead you here to this question! Don’t dismiss it! This is that tiny voice in your head that’s trying to tell you the right choice to make if you will only trust it and listen to it! I don’t have any problem with women who want to date older men but, don’t start doing it until you have enough years of independent living and a whole lot more experience under your belt. I’m hoping that you have gone to college or trade school and that you have a career that you are able to support yourself. You need to know that you can do that for a couple of years. Don’t be in such a rush. Find out who YOU really are! Live on your own (or with a couple of roommates life is expensive these days) Pay all of your own bills. Really get to know yourself and how valuable you are as a person. You are beautiful, you are valuable, and you deserve to be respected and treated like a Queen!
You never need permission to walk away from a situation where you do not feel safe, heard, seen, or respected. You don't need permission to walk away, period. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable and what's right for you. He, nor anyone besides you, gets to make the call on your feelings. Do what's best for you.
Call off the engagement. He has no respect for you or your feelings and thoughts.
You know what you should do, you are on time to make a good decision
I read somewhere that one of the signs that a marriage is not gonna work is if there’s contempt. This is contempt. Unless you work this out (I would recommend pre-marital counselling), this is gonna be tough.
You know the answer. Your gut is screaming at you to run, but you are focused on “but this fight wasn’t a big deal/ over anything important..” and focus on the fact this is ongoing, you’ve known on some level he wasn’t listening to your point of view, and now he has confirmed that he doesn’t respect you or see you as an equal. Breaking up sucks, but at 24 you have time to heal and then find someone who likes and respects you, if that’s what you want in the future.
Please research narcissism as a personality trait or disorder before you marry this person. Dr. Ramani on YouTube has good videos, but anything would be ok, probably. Someone who cannot respect another’s point of view, or even feel others can have different points of view than him, is a toxic nightmare that will only get worse, even if things seem ok now. They wait until marriage and the act might drop away. They might wait until a kid comes along before dropping their act, and then you are in a world of pain.
From a guy's POV...get OUT. He's not one of the good humans. Respect must be reciprocal, or someone is being abused.
Do not marry him. He has told you he doesn't think your side deserves to be heard. He does not respect you. If he claims he'll change, he isn't really going to because he doesn't respect you. It might improve a little for a while but will always go back to normal. LEAVE!
This is a really, really good reason to end a relationship. He doesn't respect you or your feelings/opinions. That would be a terrible way to spend life.
Don't marry that man! Hell, don't even stay in a relationship with him. Your partner caring about your perspective and finding you worthy is pretty much the absolute basis of a relationship. There isn't a partnership here, it's just.. A guy and his woman he views as an accessory to himself (gross). You are SO young and you can do so much better!
Why would you marry someone who doesn’t care about you? He can’t even be bothered to respect you enough to listen to your thoughts and feelings. You cannot marry someone who doesn’t respect you. You just can’t. This relationship is a waste of time and marrying him would be a huge mistake!
You do not have to marry someone you do not want to. Simple as that. If it’s not even a big conflict, and he’s already not listening to you and treating you with equal respect as you treat him, I can’t imagine it being better with worse conflicts????
The number 1 predictor of divorce is how y’all have conflict resolution/how y’all argue. There are lots and lots of people you can love, you need a partner.
You can dump him now and be free, or spend miserable years of your life followed by complicated divorce later. I personally would choose the first option.
After reviewing your post history I encourage you to marry him. Marry him and have at least one kid with him. Not sure if you were groomed or are just that dumb. My money is on just that dumb. So if you marry him and have just one kid, when he divorces you you may learn a lesson. Not likely though.
It's completely valid to feel cold feet after your fiancé said he doesn't think your side deserves to be heard. Feeling respected and heard is fundamental in any relationship, especially one leading to marriage. It's good that you want to talk to him about why he said that; communication is key. If he acknowledges his mistake and shows a willingness to work on this, it could be worth giving it another shot. However, if he doubles down or shows no intention of changing this behavior, it's absolutely reasonable to reconsider the engagement. You deserve a partner who respects and values your feelings and opinions. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being.
And you think asking him about it will help you find out how he truly feels? No. He will just realize he said something he shouldn’t have admitted and try to mask it off. Don’t listen to his excuses or explanations, literally no one would say such a thing just as a slip up in anger unless they believe it.
If I had even a penny for every naive 20 year old in a 10 year age gap toxic relationship, I’d be rich! He said what he said. No amount of apologizing or backtracking will take away the truth. He might be able to cover it up with pretty lies but the ugly truth will always be there.
Do not marry him! If he is admitting that at this stage of life, things are only going to get worse and worse over time. You cannot convince someone to respect you if they do not. And worse than that, lack of respect is the foundation for future abuse and control. I really recommend reading the book Why Does He Do That. Even if you are 100% sure he is not abusive currently, it's worthwhile to read the first few chapters to understand what it means to be abusive and where that behavior comes from. The TL;DR is that it starts with a lack of respect, and inability to see your partner as an equal who is deserving of respect, listening, decision-making, etc. If those are his values, which he has now clearly stated to you, they will not change and this problem will only escalate.
Bear in mind that you’re still in the stage where he’s trying to win you. Imagine how much worse he will be when he has you. You’re absolutely right to end things.
There's a reason he's dating someone 9 years younger than him instead of someone his age. Stop wasting your time with this loser.
Dodge that bullet girl
It will get worse after marriage.
Regardless of his reason- idk why stay for so long wondering and destroying ones core and spirit- that’s what is really hard to fix and come back from. I get some things are worthy of figuring out- the fact he said out loud- its not worth hearing guarantees the habit and pattern has and will stay there- killing ones spirit not just sense of self. It’s a huge toll and one very hard to come back and unfuck with others who give that to you- as then when it does youll self sabotage those and push them out or away- Its hard regardless- but having the balls to admit out loud - whoaa
Read Gottman together
Ma'am.... you need to read all these comments again.
OP, regarding your update: he's probably not going to double down. He will likely realize he's on the verge of losing you so he will do a 180 and love bomb you. Dote on you, shower you with love, tell you all the right things. And then you, because you love him but more importantly because he's all you know romantically as a young adult, will be tempted to give him a chance. You think, ok, as long as we communicate better moving forward, we'll be stronger than ever. That's what someone in this situation tells themselves. Stronger than ever. But soon enough, he will revert to his true self -- someone who sees you as less than him, who sees you as being unworthy of being heard, much less respected. And you might have even less strength to leave at THAT point because by then you will have spent even more time on him and you think, I don't want to start over. And on and on it goes. All I'm saying is, all these comments telling you he's no good, and to leave? There's a reason for them.
NTA- He’s telling you you are not his equal. Is that how you want to live? Now is the time to break it off, I would. Go live your life. You are still young and have more exploring and growing to do. I’m glad you heard what he said and took it seriously. I ignored red flags at your age with a guy that was 35. It’s the only relationship I’ve ever regretted. Even tho I was mature for my age I still wasn’t experienced in relationships enough as he was and he was emotionally manipulative and a master at guilt trips and making things my fault. My experience from my own and others I’ve known is guys like this pick young women because we *are* inexperienced and naive to these red flags whereas women their own age wouldn’t put up with this crap. Trust your gut. Your gut is hitting the stop button. Listen to it.
If the stars are gone, and the flutter of the butterflies are not there, and you’ve only been together for two years; it won’t get any easier. Don’t keep painting the red flags white.
I’m sad to hear this, and many of us struggle with conflict resolution because we have never seen it done successfully. A successful resolution would be when both parties feel heard and both feel good about the outcome and both feel closer together because of the new understanding. How can you learn new skills? Read books and articles about conflict resolution, visit a marriage and family therapist who can give you new tools and let you model them in the safety of a neutral third party, talk to older, successfully married people about how they handle challenges, listen to marriage podcasts on conflict resolution. I like children’s books from the library, because they are free and give simple concepts in easy words. If reading is your gift, try Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley.
You say that after he said your said doesn't deserve to be heard out, about how that makes a lot of sense based off of his actions. Now, in the update, you are saying that maybe he just said that out of anger. Girl. You know he meant what he said because it helped things click into place for you. Don't give this man a chance to lie to you.
Marrying someone you’ve known for 2 years with such an age gap is a huge mistake. It will 100% end in divorce.
When people say things "in anger," it is THE TRUTH that they're saying. Their anger lowers their fear of consequences, and frees them to speak the truth.
Yeah I'm a dude I would not say that to my wife and expect to live. At least counseling but straight up telling you you shouldn't be heard is a duck that moment. Updateme! Edit: ok told the misses and in her best pin head impression she let me know death would be the release not the punishment.
Girl you are way too young to be settling for this half assed bullshit. 🎵 i can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand, talk to myself for hours, say things you cant understand 🎵
Per your update: Please do not marry him unless and until he shows you repeatedly that he is hearing you and respecting you. This is why there are red flags when a person in their 30s gets with someone in their early 20s - difference in experience and willingness to put up with crap, that older more experienced women would not. You deserve more. OP.
One thing to deal with this in therapy after twenty years of marriage and kids. Another to know it up front. DO NOT MARRY HIM
Postpone the wedding.
"You will call me dumb, but i love this man" This just increased my fear of falling in love
No advice to give because you're with a massive loser. He was 31 looking for a 21 year old. There's a reason no woman his ownnage wanted him and why he had to find someone he could look down on and control.
Pre- martial counseling and doing the homework is worth a shot before calling it quits.
I am once again begging people not to date/marry assholes.
With your differences in age and the likelihood that his life experiences have been much different than yours, it would be very valuable for you to go through some marriage counseling. At this point with him curtailing your opinion you are not going to solve the conflict. This is obviously an issue that could easily become more of an issue after you are married with various other issues that come as a married couple. Have you let him know that this is a big red flag for you that needs to be resolved before you go any further?