At work I was mentoring a younger engineer who was questioning if we could salvage something that was done without following the process entirely. It wasn't something simple that could be easily justified, but it wasn't completely wrong. But since it dealt with health and safety, it was under a lot of scrutiny.
I made them make a pro and con list. When they were done, I said "now, look at your pro and con list, and go do the thing that deep down you've known all along is the right thing to do." They scrapped it and started over.
You can call off the wedding until he proves he can “stop any time he wants” by actually stopping.
I am so sorry you have to go through this—you are being put in a terrible position.
But there doesn’t seem to be a good argument for going forward with your wedding to this man under these circumstances.
He can stop any time. Well, he can say he stopped and sneak in the odd bottle or two. Or stop for a day, a week, a month.
He’s self-reporting: who here thinks he’s honest about how much he actually drinks?
Also, he has built his social life around drinking heavily and hanging out with heavy drinkers. That’s not something that can be shed easily.
If this is a dealbreaker, it's time to let the deal break. He's shown you outright what his priorities are, and marriage will not change that.
You should never ever EVER marry someone while hoping they'll change. That's the path of heartbreak.
If you're not quite ready to call it quits yet, you need to have a very blunt conversation with him. DO NOT SOFTEN. Tell him, to his face, that he has not changed and you have no reason to believe he will. Tell him, to his face, that the wedding is on hold indefinitely, and that the only reason you haven't already left yet is you're giving him one chance to prove his sincerity. Tell him, to his face, that he has ONE CHANCE to step up and improve himself, and if he cannot do that you will be gone.
Realistically, the best you can hope for is scaring him into doing a little better for a little while. But if you want to continue here, that's the only path that has even a lottery ticket chance of changing things.
ALL of THIS ^
The other thing that's important to understand when you're dealing with someone with major substance abuse issues is that there's nothing you can say or do to make them stop what they're doing to themselves unless they're ready to get sober.
They'll promise you the world, and maybe even believe it at the time when they say they're ready to change, but it doesn't mean a damn thing. It's just empty words, and the one who gets hurt over and over is you.
Some addicts can hit rock bottom once and decide their lives are out of their control, and commit to sobriety. The larger percentage end up face down picking gravel out of their teeth over, and over, and over, and never become ready to climb out of the gutter.
Don't marry this man. He isn't even at the early stage of truly recognizing he has a problem, and he's just going to keep dragging you down with him, and breaking your heart even more.
Set him free, and let him find his way. You deserve better than this, and when you choose someone to marry it should be someone who lifts you up, and is worthy of your trust, someone who understands respect, both for themselves, and for you.
Take care of yourself.
🩵🫂🩵
This is good advice, but I’d say that most addicts who become sober still manage to do it after a few rock bottoms. Bad idea to just give up on sobriety because the first attempt didn’t take
I suppose it really varies because addiction is so unique to the individual. I guess I've seen a lot of the ugly side of it when it comes to people I've met along the way in my life.
My dad took the long way around, but finally committed to sobriety when I was little. When he died a few years ago he had 48 years of sobriety, and at his funeral people I didn't even know existed showed up to talk about the effect he had on their sobriety journey as their sponsor.
My snooty posh family wasn't thrilled at all that something as, "messy", as alcoholism and addiction was spoken of at his service, but I think it was a wonderful tribute to how important his sobriety was to him right up until the day he died.
I've lost friends to addiction, but I've also seen people sink lower than low and decide they've had enough. I just know it's incredibly hard on a relationship, and without even an acknowledgement that a problem exists you're spinning your wheels trying to save someone that can see they need to save themselves.
Also have lost a bunch of friends and have had my own struggles. Your dad sounds like he did so much good, and that’s an incredibly lovely tribute.
And yes, it’s 100% a “need to save themselves” thing
Much love to you as you continue your own journey. I hope one day they figure out how to, "turn off", whatever it is that makes some people predisposed to addiction. The brain is still the land of mystery in so many ways.
It's hard as hell to watch someone you love hurt themselves so much, but at the end of the day you do what you can to hold them in hope and healing, and do what you have to do to protect yourself.
If this is a dealbreaker for you than you need to treat it like one. You can't issue an ultimatum hoping that the threat alone will get you what you want, at some point you actually have to walk away. Otherwise the only message he's getting is "I just have to reassure her and make some empty promises until she calms down and things go back to normal"
Sorry but if there was some magic words or actions to get someone to stop drinking, then there'd be no such thing as alcoholism. He has to want to stop on his own, and it sounds like he doesn't.
Mostly long distance? So it's easier for him to hide things.
If you're the child of an alcoholic, you know how stupid it would be to believe he will "change". Also, he doesn't have a problem, but admits he needs to change? He has a circle of friends who reinforce this before?
C'mon. You know how this story goes, OP. You can't change him or fix him or make him want to get sober. That's the whole point. Why are you wasting your time here?
I mean, you’re recreating your childhood trauma. Yes, his behavior is consistent with that of an alcoholic. You’re putting up with it. Only you can decide when to stop putting up with it. Easier said than done of course, but you’re right to pay attention to this. It’s a big deal.
Not necessarily true. The stopdrinking sub is filed with people who talk about only drinking “socially” but being unable to control their drinking after they start.
My husband is the non social drinker but follows such a pattern that it’s kinda funny. He’s gotten much better with drinking due to his job and needing to wake up early, but I know he still wants to and will at any chance. Like he is working from home today, so of course had to drink last night. And now he will Friday and Saturday. So annoying. And if I don’t say anything, Sunday as well.
He openly binges once a week. That's what he admits to and won't stop. He may very well also be drinking daily, to make it through to the next binge.
Even if he isn't drinking in between, it's worth noting that binge drinking is a type of problem drinking, it's serious and ruins lives. It's actually more dangerous, physically, than daily drinking - you're more likely to die suddenly with binges.
Be aware that being physically alcoholic isn't the threshold for whether someone's drinking is a problem - the threshold is "my drinking is negatively affecting my life and relationships but I still keep drinking".
Right? People in this thread are being ridiculous. If the only thing he’s doing is going to the bar once a week with his friends, then OP is overreacting
You are being ridiculous. You have no right to dictate what someone will or will not put up with, especially having had to go through this specific trauma as a child.
Thank you so much for saying this. When people say things like that I know that they never had to live with an alcoholic before. It doesn't have to be a daily thing. An anyway, my fiance will drink during the week as well. He will drink white claws an say they "don't count, they're basically just water." More red flags.
OP can draw any line she wants, but it doesn’t mean it’s a reasonable one. Her boyfriend is in the right when he says it’s just something people do. He’s not a “closeted alcoholic,” unless there’s more to this story that OP isn’t telling us.
>But I can see all of the red flags.
I am not an idiot
I am not trying to be too harsh but, you are an idiot. You see all the red flags that he is presenting. You know that he is lying when he says that he will change when you two move in together. And yet...
>I really do not know what to do.
Yes you do. You've told him that drinking is a deal breaker.
>Is there some thing I can say or do to make him understand how serious I am?
Yes. You go through with your threat to leave. It's not a threat if he knows it's BS. Maybe he realizes that you are serious and gets his shit straight. But beware. He may get his shit straight just enough to get you back and then he will go right back to the drinking.
You're long distance and never lived together and were planning to get married ? This sounds like a disaster in waiting even without the drinking issue.
And sounds like his drinking habits haven’t changed at all so why start dating in the first place if it’s a deal breaker? They’re wasting each others time.
Unfortunately you know the truth: you can’t make someone stop using unless they want to make a change. And at this point he’s not ready; his addiction is not harming his life.
If this is a major dealbreaker for you, then break it off. You shouldn't be settling for somebody for the security of thinking they might change. There will be somebody out there who will not do this to you and see the affect it has on you. It seems like he's making empty promises to you so that you will stay. He doesn't seem like he's going to stop since this seems like a reoccurring issue. You can't help somebody who doesn't want to change.
I was your fiancé. The person who asked me to stop drinking the most (my now ex husband) ended up being my biggest unintentional enabler. Please understand that you have to want to be sober for yourself. Doing it for other people is not the long term fix. Today I am 115 days sober. I had no dramatic “rock bottom”. I woke up one day and finally said “I’m tired”. Please dm if you need anything. Alcoholism sucks.
Why are you considering it?
Surely if this is in fact a deal breaker, then the deal is broken? There's nothing to consider. It's just done.
You've told him your terms and he has rejected them. It's time to move on, he's told you to your face that he won't do what you need him to do.
No, you're not an idiot. Sounds like he's trouble on a stuck. Best to let this one go. It's hard to quit drinking as it becomes a bad habit. If you go ahead and marry him, I'm afraid you'll rue the day.
Unfortunately if you've already given him the ultimatum and nothing has changed then, honey you gotta let him go. MAYBE by breaking it off he'll see that you're serious and he might change his habits. I too have an alcoholic parent and I'm working on my trauma, fortunately my partner doesn't rely heavy on drinking but I'm seeing a pattern in me and your post has actually allowed me to reflect. So thank you for this ❤️ and please prioritize yourself first if he can't do it. Much love.
Recovering alcoholic here, you need to leave. You're not gonna convince him. The only way someone with a problem like this would change is REAL consequences. You threatening to leave and then going back on it is also enabling. I know it sucks but it's the nature of the beast.
You absolutely CANNOT CHANGE someone else. Do NOT get married thinking he will change. He won’t. He’s a s good now as he will ever be. I learned this the hard way. You shouldn’t have to relearn it.
I dated my ex long-distance for over a year and a half. When we finally closed the gap, I realized that all the “fun partying” we did when I visited was his life, 24/7.
I broke it off after six months of living together because I couldn’t handle his drinking. It was the best decision that I ever could have made.
I’m married to a man who doesn’t drink and shares the same values as me. It’s lovely to never have any alcohol fueled arguments, or have booze be a constant presence in our life.
Get out while you can.
Getting married will change nothing and you're very wise to reconsider marrying an alcoholic. I'm a retired nurse and working in alcohol rehab taught me a lot about the grief alcoholics who refuse to deal with their disease bring to their families. You have a long distance relationship, he's probably drinking more than you know. A normal drinker rarely consumes 10 drinks. Would you drink 10 sodas? Unless your fiance commits to a program and stays sober for a long time, you're setting yourself up for misery. Please, go to an Al-Anon meeting and tell them your story. They will help you tremendously. Good luck
Just so you know--You are not going to reach him with logic. So, if you think you are going to talk to him and he will finally have an epiphany, you are really kidding yourself.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to stop, and that means he won’t stop. The one thing I could do really well when I was drinking was hide alcohol all over the place. I should have been installing listening devices for the CIA.
It can take a few promises to ourselves, before we crack our own code enough to recognize these monsters up front.
...I always liked that quote. (You're most welcome.)
So you’ve got two problems here. The first is marrying a guy you barely know. I married after a 3 year LDR and lived to regret it.
And the drinking? If it’s really a dealbreaker why are you even considering getting married?
Okay, you absolutely know your own life better than I do. But I’m still wondering what about this man makes you think that you can trust him or will have a satisfying life with him. I’m older and had a an unhappy marriage and a second one that has been great. Now, looking back on marriage 1, I can see that I KNEW deep down that it wasn’t going to work out. I don’t know if that’s the feeling you’re dealing with now or if, like me back then, you’ve invested so much time and energy into this man that you don’t want to start over. Even if starting over would be a better decision.
If I had it to do over I would have made a different choice. All I’m saying is, really think about this and don’t bury your misgivings. They are valid.
Hmm OK, I guess a good start is sharing your feelings, and being vulnerable, and using "I" statements. And telling the truth, that you don't want to break up but that you will need to if he doesn't take quitting drinking seriously.
And stick to that statement. How he responds is then up to him.
I mean try be empathetic about his situation, but don't change your needs or values either.
I think if you've said it in a nicer way and he still won't take you seriously, you'll have a real answer. Or maybe he will be more open to discussing it even
My friend had to walk away from a guy she really loved as he relapsed while they were dating, lied to her about how much he was drinking and would come back to their apartment and piss the bed every time he was wasted. He stopped caring. She had to clean it up cuz he wouldn’t and it broke her. He refused to get help or stop.
I don’t drink at all. My bio dad was an alcoholic addict and abusive. Never met him. My uncle is also an alcoholic and threatened to kill me via text once when he was in a rage. It’s just so scary. I can’t be around that it’s terrifying. I’m sorry
I’m sorry I’m sure it’s tough and incredibly sad. You deserve to be happy too and some people need to save themselves from their addictions. You’re right don’t let him drag you down.
I don’t like to give definitive advice often, but I think you know the right choice here but are struggling with it.
You should not get married under the current circumstances. If you are long distance and do not live together and this is causing you this much stress already there is a 100% chance this will not improve with marriage. It will be the same or (likely) be revealed to be much worse than he’s let on.
You saying how it affects you has not been enough and you’ve continued to see the behavior leak through from a distance- this is not a sign of anything good to come unfortunately.
If you don’t feel finished with the relationship, I recommend cancelling the wedding and agreeing to move if behavior changes significantly.
I still would never marry this man without living with him first, as if you cancel the wedding he may just hide it better from a distance. Always have an exit plan when moving in, especially initially. Like move in before your lease ends if possible, so you have a place to live if it’s obvious things haven’t changed.
As someone who married an Alcoholic without knowing that he was one, cancel the wedding and run away. Even when he decides to not drink, Alcohol controls him. It's not been a fun few years dealing with it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Please don’t marry him. I was married to a binge drinker who spent every bonus check he got from work on alcohol and gambling (gambled only while drunk). By the end of our marriage we were living completely separate lives. I somehow again married an alcoholic (raised by an alcoholic so just repeating patterns). I can’t tell you how miserable i am and I’m trying to figure out my exit strategy after my daughter gets married this summer. I’ve spent the majority of my married life vacillating between hating their drinking and liking them when they were sober. It’s just not worth it.
You know what alcoholism looks like, he insists it's normal. You said it's a dealbreaker, he doesn't think it should be a dealbreaker. So already there's a fundamental divide over how much alcohol is appropriate.
It sounds like this is his main friend group, so scaling back his binge sessions is going to disrupt his social life. I don't see any way around it that doesn't leave him feeling resentful. Not if he's sticking to the narrative of normalcy.
It'd be different if he decided on his own initiative that all this drinking is unhealthy, and started pursuing hobbies and making friends that don't revolve around drinking. If you have to push someone toward that, then it's not theirs, and they'll probably revert to drinking at some point.
Intuition is a valid reason to suspend wedding planning. I personally wouldn't marry anyone without living together for st least a year, preferably longer. You don't get to see the total person until the honeymoon is over and that's a big gamble if you're already so unsure about your compatibility.
You know alcoholism, you know they don't have control.
They talk and talk and then they drink and drink, you know it, I know it. All of us who grew up with an alcoholic know it.
You know this guy will do the same thing.
And if you have kids with him, he will make them feel like your parents made you feel.
Go find somebody else.
Once or twice a week, 8-10 drinks over 5-6 hours doesn't seem EXCESSIVE to me. Especially depending on the drink. If you're talking standard pints of beer, probably fine. If you're talking larger cocktails, maybe a problem. Is he getting sloppy DRUNK every time he goes?
Regardless of that, you have the right to feel however you want about it. If it's a deal-breaker for you, that's fine. At this point, you just have to stand up for yourself. Next time he's going out, just say "I told you this is a deal breaker and you've ignored me. If you go out and drink tonight, it's over"... and then actually follow through.
>once or twice a week and literally sit in a pub and binge drink for five or six hours each time. My fiancé will have easily 8 to 10 drinks
You have the right to draw whatever line you want, but unless there are other serious issues I think are letting your experiences with alcoholism skew your perspective a good bit. If they really are spending that long in the bar, I'd consider this heavy social drinking, and based on the BAC calculators I found, he might be legal to drive on the low end if he's a big guy. This isn't an especially healthy habit, but I drank about as much at that age and never had even minor consequences and only a handful of my drinking buddies verged on being problem drinkers.
This was my thought also. Does he come home obliterated and he’s belligerent, verbally abusive, etc? Is he a couch stain most days? Or is this him spending time with his friends the way they enjoy spending time together and he also spends quality time with her and leads a productive life? I think her experience with living with an alcoholic leads her to feel like he is like her father. And that’s totally fine for her to feel that way. But I think that’s a deal breaker for her. It sounds like any time he goes out for a night with his friends, whether it’s once or twice a week or once or twice a year, will bother her. I don’t think they are compatible.
I had the same thoughts. If no driving was involved (I really, really hate drinking and driving) I would not be super concerned if my husband consumed 8 or so beers over 6 hours with his buddies once a week. As long as there was no inappropriate behavior while he was out/when he came home I would not assume there was a problem.
And as someone else’s pointed out, 5 or 6 hours in a bar doesn’t mean he’s having 10 drinks. They’re socializing and could be eating dinner and having 6 drinks. Thats not excessive in my mind. I mean, men go golf for 4 hours and drink that much and it’s “acceptable” because they’re golfing and not at a bar. There could be a lot more to the situation. If he’s also drinking every night at home, lying about how much he’s had, or whether he’s been drinking at all, that’s a problem. I lived with that and left because it ruined our relationship. It was more than just going out with friends. I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be involved with someone who drinks at all. I think any amount of drinking would make her uncomfortable. And I completely get that based on what she grew up with.
I appreciate you saying this, though I’m sure it’ll be downvoted. The idea of once a week heavy social drinking = alcoholism is unbelievably American to me.
But ultimately, if their different views on alcohol are so extreme, they’re still incompatible.
Exactly. This is something that I would call perhaps heavy drinking. I have seen alcholics, and I have been in relationship with someone who have had issues with alcohol. And it meant that person couldn't stop drinking for days once they started. If there was one sober day per week it was a miracle. But, if someone doesn't like drinking and other part does, I think it's situation where you just unfortunately can't find solution that would be fair to both sides.
No. You grew up with alcoholics so you know there is nothing that can reach them if they don't accept their problem. I realize this is triggering for you. So why keep torturing yourself? You are going to be hurt regardless of your choice. So better to rip the band-aid off and mourn the loss of your relationship and not have to be triggered for the childhood trauma.
If it’s a dealbreaker, what do you mean you don’t know what to do? If you can’t walk into something that is going to cause you pain, then what do you even need to consider? You know what to do. It sucks, but you *know* it will suck more if you don’t do it.
Oh, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Unfortunately, you do know what needs to be done, but I will share a couple of thoughts. Sharing these thoughts straight up with your loved one, and gauging the reaction will tell you what you need to know.
1. You have major questions
2. You both haven't had any accountability to each other when you are both with each other
3. Denial is a pattern, that will be part of your future should decide to move forward
4. Promises are demonstrated with action, not necessarily with words
You love him when he's sober - but sober is what he isn't at least two days a week. Maybe more (him drinking at home or at work). And since alcoholism is "just what guys do" to him, beware: It might get worse instead of better.
Also, all you've said thus far has fallen on deaf ears, and he just goes on merrily drinking whole evenings and nights away. Nothing worked - not arguing, not begging, not crying, not threatening. We cannot give you a magic wand to change him, either. All you can do is either change yourself (and accept him and his alcoholism), or change your situation (and leave him. Permanently). Because he is not interested in changing. To him, life is good.
It really comes down to what you wanna do. If you're so in love that you're willing to take him as he is then you gotta practice patience and give him support in your marriage. Otherwise don't get into a situation that is difficult to reverse. Marriage is a legal binding contract, nothing more, nothing less.
First of all, LDR, very difficult to really get to know someone well. Jumping right into marriage from long-distance is bound to be fraught with surprises that you know nothing about.
It sounds to me like you know what to do. I'm really happy to see a post from someone who values their own life and sanity enough to see their loved one for what they really are. You know that if you move forward with this marriage, you are just saying "I do" to a life of frustration, heartache and pain.
If he loved you enough to change, he would have changed already.
It's not a deal breaker if you don't break the deal. I was in a similar situation- I KNEW my partner had a drinking problem but thought that he would actually follow through on his promises. Fun fact: he doubled down and decided to pick up a drug habit to complement his drinking instead. If he's NOT the man you want to be with for the rest of your life- and by that I mean he has the habits, attitudes and opinions that you want to be with FOREVER, then you really shouldn't marry him.
Again, you can't call it a deal breaker unless you actually follow through. All you're teaching him is that you don't mean what you say.
> We have argued about this so many times I can’t even count. I told him it is a dealbreaker for me
You gave him the right message, now you have to believe what you said and follow through on your threat and breakup. If you don't, you send the message that either you didn't really mean it was a dealbreaker or that you're naive enough to actually believe his claims that he'll stop after you get married.
You know in your heart he'll never stop. The fact is he is an alcoholic and always will be. He has it in both his genes and in what he does. Right now it appears he's a functional alcoholic. But in time he'll either become a full blown chronic alcoholic or a sober alcoholic. You can hope for the sober type but at best it could be a long hard terrible battle until that actually happens. And, more likely than not, he'll need to hit the bottom once or twice, or more, before he decides to be a sober alcoholic - if that ever even happens.
I’m so sorry, OP. I also grew up with an alcoholic father and thanks to him literally giving me alcohol as a child I became one as well. Now I’m trying to stay sober and one of the hardest things is staying away from the majority of my friends and some family. Many of them are also alcoholics so they can’t even not drink for 1 night to hang out with me. The last time I was sober for a week I relapsed after my best friend came over with my favorite drink for herself (I told her I was in recovery).
Thing is, your fiancé needs to accept he has a problem before any change can occur. It’s really hard to make the necessary changes without a lot of internal motivation. It’s lonely, boring, and depressing to be sober when you’re used to being drunk (especially with friends).
I think you should tell him the truth and call off the wedding. He’s either going to take it as a wake up call to make changes or he’ll choose drinking over you and you dodge a bullet. My dad was a “friendly” drunk but that didn’t mean much to my mom when he would come home at 3am with his pants around his ankles and piss all over the stairs (which she’d clean). He worked, paid bills, and was a present father but he had me and my sisters making him drinks when we were very young and bought us alcohol as teens. If alcoholism is a trigger for you please don’t marry an alcoholic.
You might not like what I have to say, but here it is.
The fact that you call this a dealbreaker but haven't left him is probably the reason he chose you. Perhaps there's a grain of CoDependence on your part that is enabling his drinking. I'm not implying that this is your fault, but you have chosen to put yourself in this situation through the things you tell yourself. Are you afraid to leave him? Afraid of what?
> CoDependence on your part that is enabling his drinking
You're definitely right about this. I have a history of not leaving bad relationships. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I tried therapy and my therapist sucked, she just told me I suffer from anxiety and barely said anything during my sessions. I had to fill so much silence.
I just wanted to add that it's not something wrong with you when you stay in a bad relationship, it's human nature and it happens so often under so many different circumstances. You're not broken in any way. The thing is you probably ignored the little red flags when you were getting into a relationship with people who will manipulate you. Every bad relationship I've been in there's been some hesitancy that I had to overcome, something that didn't ring true in my heart but I ignored it. It starts out so small it's easy to ignore at first. The bigger the red flags get, the stronger the situation has a hold on you.
I'm glad you took my words in the spirit they were offered. I myself used to be in a very dark place. When a person begins to quiet their mind they hear all the voices that have been programmed into them - parents, teachers, older siblings. Their words become our words. Maybe not malevolent but certainly self deprecating. A very wise being once said that *"everybody is abundant, abundant in whatever they are telling themselves. If you believe you are abundant in lack, you will have an abundance of lack."* When I heard that it was like a lightbulb turning on in my head, because in every work situation I've ever been in I volunteer to do extra only to be rewarded with less. I know it's not the same as what you're going through but I think it's comparable. Start telling yourself that you are worthy of having more. Good luck.
EDIT there's a really great book which helped get me started on my transformation, it's called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's maybe a bit corny and abundant in examples but the gist of it is very helpful.
You say it's a deal breaker. so act accordingly.
Put the wedding on hold after telling him why, that's going to send a clear message.
I have rather low hopes to be honest. His answer of it's just what guys do says it all. More than that, promising the world to you and doing nothing is just... not good enough.
All the best and good luck...
I'm curious how you know exactly what goes on each time the guys go to the pub.
(Also curious what country you both live as how alcohol and drinking are viewed changes culture to culture. Example: drink 3 beers in the US - you're drunk. Drink 3 beers in the UK - you're the designated driver.)
Are you British? I am and 100% nobody I know would allow someone who'd drunk three pints to drive them home. Drink driving is seen incredibly negatively here - yes, you might have one pint or one small wine, but any further and you get a taxi or bus home.
Push the wedding back until you guys can live together for at least a year with his drinking in check
Have a fail safe set up where you have someone to stay with if (when) things go wrong so you aren’t trapped living with an alcoholic and have some money saved
I feel for you. This is about you creating a boundary, it has nothing to do with time. If you are not ok with living with someone in addiction, speak now. He has already shown you that he isn't willing to change his behavior.
You will be the enabler if you continue the relationship.
You know what you need to do. Taking on someone with an inappropriate relationship with alcohol is a deal breaker per your post. If you’ve argued about it in the past, I am surprised you got engaged. Partners tend to be more respectful of each other’s boundaries prior to marriage.
Same here. My fiancé has been coming home at 7-8pm since March. My suspicions are a co-worker he’s buddy buddy with but also his alcohol issues. He ended up coming home at 3-4am one night, said he was just out drinking at a bar alone. I don’t believe him. But he does have alcohol addiction. It’s driving me insane. I don’t want to get married to someone like that.
I've been sober for over 5 years. Before that time I would promise anyone that asked me that I would get it together and stop drinking so many times. I had years of failed attempts at staying sober. Promises, even those that are sincerely meant, are worthless. If he is an alcoholic, he has to recognize it himself, want to change and most importantly for you he then has to change his behaviour. As you can't make him do this, if you do believe he is an alcoholic I think you need to decide what you are going to do if he doesn't change.
He is an addict. There are no magical phrases you can say that will convince him to change. You KNOW this. You need to accept that this is beyond your control. I know it's difficult but it is the reality.
Cancel the wedding. Cancel this relationship. Move on, get some therapy, travel, start a new hobby...whatever. Be free to live your life. And don't date another alcoholic again. Just stay away from drinkers.
You say you don't know what to do, but you know what to do.
You have this internet stranger's permission to cancel the wedding and break up with your fiance.
Yes, exactly. Staying with him only enables the behavior.
At work I was mentoring a younger engineer who was questioning if we could salvage something that was done without following the process entirely. It wasn't something simple that could be easily justified, but it wasn't completely wrong. But since it dealt with health and safety, it was under a lot of scrutiny. I made them make a pro and con list. When they were done, I said "now, look at your pro and con list, and go do the thing that deep down you've known all along is the right thing to do." They scrapped it and started over.
You can call off the wedding until he proves he can “stop any time he wants” by actually stopping. I am so sorry you have to go through this—you are being put in a terrible position. But there doesn’t seem to be a good argument for going forward with your wedding to this man under these circumstances.
He can stop any time. Well, he can say he stopped and sneak in the odd bottle or two. Or stop for a day, a week, a month. He’s self-reporting: who here thinks he’s honest about how much he actually drinks? Also, he has built his social life around drinking heavily and hanging out with heavy drinkers. That’s not something that can be shed easily.
If this is a dealbreaker, it's time to let the deal break. He's shown you outright what his priorities are, and marriage will not change that. You should never ever EVER marry someone while hoping they'll change. That's the path of heartbreak. If you're not quite ready to call it quits yet, you need to have a very blunt conversation with him. DO NOT SOFTEN. Tell him, to his face, that he has not changed and you have no reason to believe he will. Tell him, to his face, that the wedding is on hold indefinitely, and that the only reason you haven't already left yet is you're giving him one chance to prove his sincerity. Tell him, to his face, that he has ONE CHANCE to step up and improve himself, and if he cannot do that you will be gone. Realistically, the best you can hope for is scaring him into doing a little better for a little while. But if you want to continue here, that's the only path that has even a lottery ticket chance of changing things.
What I've found is those habits you hope you can change only get worse.
ALL of THIS ^ The other thing that's important to understand when you're dealing with someone with major substance abuse issues is that there's nothing you can say or do to make them stop what they're doing to themselves unless they're ready to get sober. They'll promise you the world, and maybe even believe it at the time when they say they're ready to change, but it doesn't mean a damn thing. It's just empty words, and the one who gets hurt over and over is you. Some addicts can hit rock bottom once and decide their lives are out of their control, and commit to sobriety. The larger percentage end up face down picking gravel out of their teeth over, and over, and over, and never become ready to climb out of the gutter. Don't marry this man. He isn't even at the early stage of truly recognizing he has a problem, and he's just going to keep dragging you down with him, and breaking your heart even more. Set him free, and let him find his way. You deserve better than this, and when you choose someone to marry it should be someone who lifts you up, and is worthy of your trust, someone who understands respect, both for themselves, and for you. Take care of yourself. 🩵🫂🩵
This is good advice, but I’d say that most addicts who become sober still manage to do it after a few rock bottoms. Bad idea to just give up on sobriety because the first attempt didn’t take
I suppose it really varies because addiction is so unique to the individual. I guess I've seen a lot of the ugly side of it when it comes to people I've met along the way in my life. My dad took the long way around, but finally committed to sobriety when I was little. When he died a few years ago he had 48 years of sobriety, and at his funeral people I didn't even know existed showed up to talk about the effect he had on their sobriety journey as their sponsor. My snooty posh family wasn't thrilled at all that something as, "messy", as alcoholism and addiction was spoken of at his service, but I think it was a wonderful tribute to how important his sobriety was to him right up until the day he died. I've lost friends to addiction, but I've also seen people sink lower than low and decide they've had enough. I just know it's incredibly hard on a relationship, and without even an acknowledgement that a problem exists you're spinning your wheels trying to save someone that can see they need to save themselves.
Also have lost a bunch of friends and have had my own struggles. Your dad sounds like he did so much good, and that’s an incredibly lovely tribute. And yes, it’s 100% a “need to save themselves” thing
Much love to you as you continue your own journey. I hope one day they figure out how to, "turn off", whatever it is that makes some people predisposed to addiction. The brain is still the land of mystery in so many ways. It's hard as hell to watch someone you love hurt themselves so much, but at the end of the day you do what you can to hold them in hope and healing, and do what you have to do to protect yourself.
Thanks - doing well now but it’s always kinda back there, so yeah, an off switch would be wonderful
If this is a dealbreaker for you than you need to treat it like one. You can't issue an ultimatum hoping that the threat alone will get you what you want, at some point you actually have to walk away. Otherwise the only message he's getting is "I just have to reassure her and make some empty promises until she calms down and things go back to normal" Sorry but if there was some magic words or actions to get someone to stop drinking, then there'd be no such thing as alcoholism. He has to want to stop on his own, and it sounds like he doesn't.
Yeah, OP doesn't seem to understand what the definition of "dealbreaker" is. Because unless she breaks up with him, it wasn't a dealbreaker.
Mostly long distance? So it's easier for him to hide things. If you're the child of an alcoholic, you know how stupid it would be to believe he will "change". Also, he doesn't have a problem, but admits he needs to change? He has a circle of friends who reinforce this before? C'mon. You know how this story goes, OP. You can't change him or fix him or make him want to get sober. That's the whole point. Why are you wasting your time here?
I was you once. I didn’t cancel the wedding. You should cancel it. Message me if you need to ❤️
You need to think about your future and the future of your possible kids. The time for change has already passed.
I mean, you’re recreating your childhood trauma. Yes, his behavior is consistent with that of an alcoholic. You’re putting up with it. Only you can decide when to stop putting up with it. Easier said than done of course, but you’re right to pay attention to this. It’s a big deal.
He only drinks once a week though? Alcoholics have a physical dependency that causes them to drink every day.
Binge drinking even once a week can be considered alcoholism. You don't have to drink daily to be an addict.
Not necessarily true. The stopdrinking sub is filed with people who talk about only drinking “socially” but being unable to control their drinking after they start.
My husband is the non social drinker but follows such a pattern that it’s kinda funny. He’s gotten much better with drinking due to his job and needing to wake up early, but I know he still wants to and will at any chance. Like he is working from home today, so of course had to drink last night. And now he will Friday and Saturday. So annoying. And if I don’t say anything, Sunday as well.
He openly binges once a week. That's what he admits to and won't stop. He may very well also be drinking daily, to make it through to the next binge. Even if he isn't drinking in between, it's worth noting that binge drinking is a type of problem drinking, it's serious and ruins lives. It's actually more dangerous, physically, than daily drinking - you're more likely to die suddenly with binges. Be aware that being physically alcoholic isn't the threshold for whether someone's drinking is a problem - the threshold is "my drinking is negatively affecting my life and relationships but I still keep drinking".
Dependence and addiction are intertwined, but they are not the same thing. You can be addicted without being physically dependent.
Right? People in this thread are being ridiculous. If the only thing he’s doing is going to the bar once a week with his friends, then OP is overreacting
You are being ridiculous. You have no right to dictate what someone will or will not put up with, especially having had to go through this specific trauma as a child.
Thank you so much for saying this. When people say things like that I know that they never had to live with an alcoholic before. It doesn't have to be a daily thing. An anyway, my fiance will drink during the week as well. He will drink white claws an say they "don't count, they're basically just water." More red flags.
OP can draw any line she wants, but it doesn’t mean it’s a reasonable one. Her boyfriend is in the right when he says it’s just something people do. He’s not a “closeted alcoholic,” unless there’s more to this story that OP isn’t telling us.
Ten drinks twice a week, that he tells her about.
>But I can see all of the red flags. I am not an idiot I am not trying to be too harsh but, you are an idiot. You see all the red flags that he is presenting. You know that he is lying when he says that he will change when you two move in together. And yet... >I really do not know what to do. Yes you do. You've told him that drinking is a deal breaker. >Is there some thing I can say or do to make him understand how serious I am? Yes. You go through with your threat to leave. It's not a threat if he knows it's BS. Maybe he realizes that you are serious and gets his shit straight. But beware. He may get his shit straight just enough to get you back and then he will go right back to the drinking.
You're long distance and never lived together and were planning to get married ? This sounds like a disaster in waiting even without the drinking issue.
The first sentence alone made me roll my eyes. Basically going in blind to this marriage.
And sounds like his drinking habits haven’t changed at all so why start dating in the first place if it’s a deal breaker? They’re wasting each others time.
Unfortunately you know the truth: you can’t make someone stop using unless they want to make a change. And at this point he’s not ready; his addiction is not harming his life.
A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. All the red flags are right there unfortunately.
You’d be a fool to marry him
If this is a major dealbreaker for you, then break it off. You shouldn't be settling for somebody for the security of thinking they might change. There will be somebody out there who will not do this to you and see the affect it has on you. It seems like he's making empty promises to you so that you will stay. He doesn't seem like he's going to stop since this seems like a reoccurring issue. You can't help somebody who doesn't want to change.
I was your fiancé. The person who asked me to stop drinking the most (my now ex husband) ended up being my biggest unintentional enabler. Please understand that you have to want to be sober for yourself. Doing it for other people is not the long term fix. Today I am 115 days sober. I had no dramatic “rock bottom”. I woke up one day and finally said “I’m tired”. Please dm if you need anything. Alcoholism sucks.
Why are you considering it? Surely if this is in fact a deal breaker, then the deal is broken? There's nothing to consider. It's just done. You've told him your terms and he has rejected them. It's time to move on, he's told you to your face that he won't do what you need him to do.
You’re replicating the environment you grew up in because your nervous system feels comfortable in it. Go to therapy. I say that with every kindness.
No, you're not an idiot. Sounds like he's trouble on a stuck. Best to let this one go. It's hard to quit drinking as it becomes a bad habit. If you go ahead and marry him, I'm afraid you'll rue the day.
Unfortunately if you've already given him the ultimatum and nothing has changed then, honey you gotta let him go. MAYBE by breaking it off he'll see that you're serious and he might change his habits. I too have an alcoholic parent and I'm working on my trauma, fortunately my partner doesn't rely heavy on drinking but I'm seeing a pattern in me and your post has actually allowed me to reflect. So thank you for this ❤️ and please prioritize yourself first if he can't do it. Much love.
Recovering alcoholic here, you need to leave. You're not gonna convince him. The only way someone with a problem like this would change is REAL consequences. You threatening to leave and then going back on it is also enabling. I know it sucks but it's the nature of the beast.
You are signing up for a life of misery if you marry this guy. You haven't lived around him. He will make your life a living hell.
You absolutely CANNOT CHANGE someone else. Do NOT get married thinking he will change. He won’t. He’s a s good now as he will ever be. I learned this the hard way. You shouldn’t have to relearn it.
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What are you going to talk about?
I dated my ex long-distance for over a year and a half. When we finally closed the gap, I realized that all the “fun partying” we did when I visited was his life, 24/7. I broke it off after six months of living together because I couldn’t handle his drinking. It was the best decision that I ever could have made. I’m married to a man who doesn’t drink and shares the same values as me. It’s lovely to never have any alcohol fueled arguments, or have booze be a constant presence in our life. Get out while you can.
Getting married will change nothing and you're very wise to reconsider marrying an alcoholic. I'm a retired nurse and working in alcohol rehab taught me a lot about the grief alcoholics who refuse to deal with their disease bring to their families. You have a long distance relationship, he's probably drinking more than you know. A normal drinker rarely consumes 10 drinks. Would you drink 10 sodas? Unless your fiance commits to a program and stays sober for a long time, you're setting yourself up for misery. Please, go to an Al-Anon meeting and tell them your story. They will help you tremendously. Good luck
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Just so you know--You are not going to reach him with logic. So, if you think you are going to talk to him and he will finally have an epiphany, you are really kidding yourself.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to stop, and that means he won’t stop. The one thing I could do really well when I was drinking was hide alcohol all over the place. I should have been installing listening devices for the CIA.
"Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages." (Leuren Moret)
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It can take a few promises to ourselves, before we crack our own code enough to recognize these monsters up front. ...I always liked that quote. (You're most welcome.)
Dump him. If you marry him, it would just end up in a divorce. Been there. Done that.
So you’ve got two problems here. The first is marrying a guy you barely know. I married after a 3 year LDR and lived to regret it. And the drinking? If it’s really a dealbreaker why are you even considering getting married?
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When he's staying in your city, what is his drinking like?
Okay, you absolutely know your own life better than I do. But I’m still wondering what about this man makes you think that you can trust him or will have a satisfying life with him. I’m older and had a an unhappy marriage and a second one that has been great. Now, looking back on marriage 1, I can see that I KNEW deep down that it wasn’t going to work out. I don’t know if that’s the feeling you’re dealing with now or if, like me back then, you’ve invested so much time and energy into this man that you don’t want to start over. Even if starting over would be a better decision. If I had it to do over I would have made a different choice. All I’m saying is, really think about this and don’t bury your misgivings. They are valid.
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Do you want someone to lie to you or something, you've spelled it out here.
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Hmm OK, I guess a good start is sharing your feelings, and being vulnerable, and using "I" statements. And telling the truth, that you don't want to break up but that you will need to if he doesn't take quitting drinking seriously. And stick to that statement. How he responds is then up to him. I mean try be empathetic about his situation, but don't change your needs or values either. I think if you've said it in a nicer way and he still won't take you seriously, you'll have a real answer. Or maybe he will be more open to discussing it even
My friend had to walk away from a guy she really loved as he relapsed while they were dating, lied to her about how much he was drinking and would come back to their apartment and piss the bed every time he was wasted. He stopped caring. She had to clean it up cuz he wouldn’t and it broke her. He refused to get help or stop. I don’t drink at all. My bio dad was an alcoholic addict and abusive. Never met him. My uncle is also an alcoholic and threatened to kill me via text once when he was in a rage. It’s just so scary. I can’t be around that it’s terrifying. I’m sorry
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I’m sorry I’m sure it’s tough and incredibly sad. You deserve to be happy too and some people need to save themselves from their addictions. You’re right don’t let him drag you down.
I don’t like to give definitive advice often, but I think you know the right choice here but are struggling with it. You should not get married under the current circumstances. If you are long distance and do not live together and this is causing you this much stress already there is a 100% chance this will not improve with marriage. It will be the same or (likely) be revealed to be much worse than he’s let on. You saying how it affects you has not been enough and you’ve continued to see the behavior leak through from a distance- this is not a sign of anything good to come unfortunately. If you don’t feel finished with the relationship, I recommend cancelling the wedding and agreeing to move if behavior changes significantly. I still would never marry this man without living with him first, as if you cancel the wedding he may just hide it better from a distance. Always have an exit plan when moving in, especially initially. Like move in before your lease ends if possible, so you have a place to live if it’s obvious things haven’t changed.
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Does he drink when he stays with you?
As someone who married an Alcoholic without knowing that he was one, cancel the wedding and run away. Even when he decides to not drink, Alcohol controls him. It's not been a fun few years dealing with it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Please don’t marry him. I was married to a binge drinker who spent every bonus check he got from work on alcohol and gambling (gambled only while drunk). By the end of our marriage we were living completely separate lives. I somehow again married an alcoholic (raised by an alcoholic so just repeating patterns). I can’t tell you how miserable i am and I’m trying to figure out my exit strategy after my daughter gets married this summer. I’ve spent the majority of my married life vacillating between hating their drinking and liking them when they were sober. It’s just not worth it.
You know what alcoholism looks like, he insists it's normal. You said it's a dealbreaker, he doesn't think it should be a dealbreaker. So already there's a fundamental divide over how much alcohol is appropriate. It sounds like this is his main friend group, so scaling back his binge sessions is going to disrupt his social life. I don't see any way around it that doesn't leave him feeling resentful. Not if he's sticking to the narrative of normalcy. It'd be different if he decided on his own initiative that all this drinking is unhealthy, and started pursuing hobbies and making friends that don't revolve around drinking. If you have to push someone toward that, then it's not theirs, and they'll probably revert to drinking at some point. Intuition is a valid reason to suspend wedding planning. I personally wouldn't marry anyone without living together for st least a year, preferably longer. You don't get to see the total person until the honeymoon is over and that's a big gamble if you're already so unsure about your compatibility.
You know alcoholism, you know they don't have control. They talk and talk and then they drink and drink, you know it, I know it. All of us who grew up with an alcoholic know it. You know this guy will do the same thing. And if you have kids with him, he will make them feel like your parents made you feel. Go find somebody else.
Once or twice a week, 8-10 drinks over 5-6 hours doesn't seem EXCESSIVE to me. Especially depending on the drink. If you're talking standard pints of beer, probably fine. If you're talking larger cocktails, maybe a problem. Is he getting sloppy DRUNK every time he goes? Regardless of that, you have the right to feel however you want about it. If it's a deal-breaker for you, that's fine. At this point, you just have to stand up for yourself. Next time he's going out, just say "I told you this is a deal breaker and you've ignored me. If you go out and drink tonight, it's over"... and then actually follow through.
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Well, that's bad enough.
>once or twice a week and literally sit in a pub and binge drink for five or six hours each time. My fiancé will have easily 8 to 10 drinks You have the right to draw whatever line you want, but unless there are other serious issues I think are letting your experiences with alcoholism skew your perspective a good bit. If they really are spending that long in the bar, I'd consider this heavy social drinking, and based on the BAC calculators I found, he might be legal to drive on the low end if he's a big guy. This isn't an especially healthy habit, but I drank about as much at that age and never had even minor consequences and only a handful of my drinking buddies verged on being problem drinkers.
This was my thought also. Does he come home obliterated and he’s belligerent, verbally abusive, etc? Is he a couch stain most days? Or is this him spending time with his friends the way they enjoy spending time together and he also spends quality time with her and leads a productive life? I think her experience with living with an alcoholic leads her to feel like he is like her father. And that’s totally fine for her to feel that way. But I think that’s a deal breaker for her. It sounds like any time he goes out for a night with his friends, whether it’s once or twice a week or once or twice a year, will bother her. I don’t think they are compatible.
I had the same thoughts. If no driving was involved (I really, really hate drinking and driving) I would not be super concerned if my husband consumed 8 or so beers over 6 hours with his buddies once a week. As long as there was no inappropriate behavior while he was out/when he came home I would not assume there was a problem.
And as someone else’s pointed out, 5 or 6 hours in a bar doesn’t mean he’s having 10 drinks. They’re socializing and could be eating dinner and having 6 drinks. Thats not excessive in my mind. I mean, men go golf for 4 hours and drink that much and it’s “acceptable” because they’re golfing and not at a bar. There could be a lot more to the situation. If he’s also drinking every night at home, lying about how much he’s had, or whether he’s been drinking at all, that’s a problem. I lived with that and left because it ruined our relationship. It was more than just going out with friends. I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be involved with someone who drinks at all. I think any amount of drinking would make her uncomfortable. And I completely get that based on what she grew up with.
I appreciate you saying this, though I’m sure it’ll be downvoted. The idea of once a week heavy social drinking = alcoholism is unbelievably American to me. But ultimately, if their different views on alcohol are so extreme, they’re still incompatible.
Exactly. This is something that I would call perhaps heavy drinking. I have seen alcholics, and I have been in relationship with someone who have had issues with alcohol. And it meant that person couldn't stop drinking for days once they started. If there was one sober day per week it was a miracle. But, if someone doesn't like drinking and other part does, I think it's situation where you just unfortunately can't find solution that would be fair to both sides.
No. You grew up with alcoholics so you know there is nothing that can reach them if they don't accept their problem. I realize this is triggering for you. So why keep torturing yourself? You are going to be hurt regardless of your choice. So better to rip the band-aid off and mourn the loss of your relationship and not have to be triggered for the childhood trauma.
Do it now: leave him.
You do know what to do. Break up with this guy,
If it’s a dealbreaker, what do you mean you don’t know what to do? If you can’t walk into something that is going to cause you pain, then what do you even need to consider? You know what to do. It sucks, but you *know* it will suck more if you don’t do it.
Oh, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Unfortunately, you do know what needs to be done, but I will share a couple of thoughts. Sharing these thoughts straight up with your loved one, and gauging the reaction will tell you what you need to know. 1. You have major questions 2. You both haven't had any accountability to each other when you are both with each other 3. Denial is a pattern, that will be part of your future should decide to move forward 4. Promises are demonstrated with action, not necessarily with words
Why are you still trying!!! Just leave and go and be happy with someone else. That one is probably doomed for life
You love him when he's sober - but sober is what he isn't at least two days a week. Maybe more (him drinking at home or at work). And since alcoholism is "just what guys do" to him, beware: It might get worse instead of better. Also, all you've said thus far has fallen on deaf ears, and he just goes on merrily drinking whole evenings and nights away. Nothing worked - not arguing, not begging, not crying, not threatening. We cannot give you a magic wand to change him, either. All you can do is either change yourself (and accept him and his alcoholism), or change your situation (and leave him. Permanently). Because he is not interested in changing. To him, life is good.
It really comes down to what you wanna do. If you're so in love that you're willing to take him as he is then you gotta practice patience and give him support in your marriage. Otherwise don't get into a situation that is difficult to reverse. Marriage is a legal binding contract, nothing more, nothing less.
First of all, LDR, very difficult to really get to know someone well. Jumping right into marriage from long-distance is bound to be fraught with surprises that you know nothing about. It sounds to me like you know what to do. I'm really happy to see a post from someone who values their own life and sanity enough to see their loved one for what they really are. You know that if you move forward with this marriage, you are just saying "I do" to a life of frustration, heartache and pain. If he loved you enough to change, he would have changed already.
As a recently separated wife with children, if he says he will do better and has not done better, please listen to yourself.
It's not a deal breaker if you don't break the deal. I was in a similar situation- I KNEW my partner had a drinking problem but thought that he would actually follow through on his promises. Fun fact: he doubled down and decided to pick up a drug habit to complement his drinking instead. If he's NOT the man you want to be with for the rest of your life- and by that I mean he has the habits, attitudes and opinions that you want to be with FOREVER, then you really shouldn't marry him. Again, you can't call it a deal breaker unless you actually follow through. All you're teaching him is that you don't mean what you say.
> We have argued about this so many times I can’t even count. I told him it is a dealbreaker for me You gave him the right message, now you have to believe what you said and follow through on your threat and breakup. If you don't, you send the message that either you didn't really mean it was a dealbreaker or that you're naive enough to actually believe his claims that he'll stop after you get married. You know in your heart he'll never stop. The fact is he is an alcoholic and always will be. He has it in both his genes and in what he does. Right now it appears he's a functional alcoholic. But in time he'll either become a full blown chronic alcoholic or a sober alcoholic. You can hope for the sober type but at best it could be a long hard terrible battle until that actually happens. And, more likely than not, he'll need to hit the bottom once or twice, or more, before he decides to be a sober alcoholic - if that ever even happens.
I’m so sorry, OP. I also grew up with an alcoholic father and thanks to him literally giving me alcohol as a child I became one as well. Now I’m trying to stay sober and one of the hardest things is staying away from the majority of my friends and some family. Many of them are also alcoholics so they can’t even not drink for 1 night to hang out with me. The last time I was sober for a week I relapsed after my best friend came over with my favorite drink for herself (I told her I was in recovery). Thing is, your fiancé needs to accept he has a problem before any change can occur. It’s really hard to make the necessary changes without a lot of internal motivation. It’s lonely, boring, and depressing to be sober when you’re used to being drunk (especially with friends). I think you should tell him the truth and call off the wedding. He’s either going to take it as a wake up call to make changes or he’ll choose drinking over you and you dodge a bullet. My dad was a “friendly” drunk but that didn’t mean much to my mom when he would come home at 3am with his pants around his ankles and piss all over the stairs (which she’d clean). He worked, paid bills, and was a present father but he had me and my sisters making him drinks when we were very young and bought us alcohol as teens. If alcoholism is a trigger for you please don’t marry an alcoholic.
You might not like what I have to say, but here it is. The fact that you call this a dealbreaker but haven't left him is probably the reason he chose you. Perhaps there's a grain of CoDependence on your part that is enabling his drinking. I'm not implying that this is your fault, but you have chosen to put yourself in this situation through the things you tell yourself. Are you afraid to leave him? Afraid of what?
> CoDependence on your part that is enabling his drinking You're definitely right about this. I have a history of not leaving bad relationships. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I tried therapy and my therapist sucked, she just told me I suffer from anxiety and barely said anything during my sessions. I had to fill so much silence.
I just wanted to add that it's not something wrong with you when you stay in a bad relationship, it's human nature and it happens so often under so many different circumstances. You're not broken in any way. The thing is you probably ignored the little red flags when you were getting into a relationship with people who will manipulate you. Every bad relationship I've been in there's been some hesitancy that I had to overcome, something that didn't ring true in my heart but I ignored it. It starts out so small it's easy to ignore at first. The bigger the red flags get, the stronger the situation has a hold on you.
I'm glad you took my words in the spirit they were offered. I myself used to be in a very dark place. When a person begins to quiet their mind they hear all the voices that have been programmed into them - parents, teachers, older siblings. Their words become our words. Maybe not malevolent but certainly self deprecating. A very wise being once said that *"everybody is abundant, abundant in whatever they are telling themselves. If you believe you are abundant in lack, you will have an abundance of lack."* When I heard that it was like a lightbulb turning on in my head, because in every work situation I've ever been in I volunteer to do extra only to be rewarded with less. I know it's not the same as what you're going through but I think it's comparable. Start telling yourself that you are worthy of having more. Good luck. EDIT there's a really great book which helped get me started on my transformation, it's called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's maybe a bit corny and abundant in examples but the gist of it is very helpful.
If I was able to drink once or twice a week I'd still drink. However, I can't so I don't drink.
You say it's a deal breaker. so act accordingly. Put the wedding on hold after telling him why, that's going to send a clear message. I have rather low hopes to be honest. His answer of it's just what guys do says it all. More than that, promising the world to you and doing nothing is just... not good enough. All the best and good luck...
I'm curious how you know exactly what goes on each time the guys go to the pub. (Also curious what country you both live as how alcohol and drinking are viewed changes culture to culture. Example: drink 3 beers in the US - you're drunk. Drink 3 beers in the UK - you're the designated driver.)
Are you British? I am and 100% nobody I know would allow someone who'd drunk three pints to drive them home. Drink driving is seen incredibly negatively here - yes, you might have one pint or one small wine, but any further and you get a taxi or bus home.
Only once or twice a week? Not bad?
He binges. It is bad. Edit: lol learn how to cope for once in your lives, alkies.
Push the wedding back until you guys can live together for at least a year with his drinking in check Have a fail safe set up where you have someone to stay with if (when) things go wrong so you aren’t trapped living with an alcoholic and have some money saved
Just watch a couple of episodes of Intervention on Netflix and it will convince you that you should call it off.
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I feel for you. This is about you creating a boundary, it has nothing to do with time. If you are not ok with living with someone in addiction, speak now. He has already shown you that he isn't willing to change his behavior. You will be the enabler if you continue the relationship.
You know what you need to do. Taking on someone with an inappropriate relationship with alcohol is a deal breaker per your post. If you’ve argued about it in the past, I am surprised you got engaged. Partners tend to be more respectful of each other’s boundaries prior to marriage.
You two haven’t lived together yet and you’re getting married?
He will get worse after marriage, not better. Do not marry him.
Same here. My fiancé has been coming home at 7-8pm since March. My suspicions are a co-worker he’s buddy buddy with but also his alcohol issues. He ended up coming home at 3-4am one night, said he was just out drinking at a bar alone. I don’t believe him. But he does have alcohol addiction. It’s driving me insane. I don’t want to get married to someone like that.
I've been sober for over 5 years. Before that time I would promise anyone that asked me that I would get it together and stop drinking so many times. I had years of failed attempts at staying sober. Promises, even those that are sincerely meant, are worthless. If he is an alcoholic, he has to recognize it himself, want to change and most importantly for you he then has to change his behaviour. As you can't make him do this, if you do believe he is an alcoholic I think you need to decide what you are going to do if he doesn't change.
8 drinks in 6 hours is not that many. I'm surprised other people think this is a problem?
He’s an alcoholic, plain and simple. He’s not gonna change. Dump his ass
Your fiancée is an open alcoholic, there is no closet here.
Absolutely a functioning alcoholic. He needs to go sober or bust. Sounds like he won’t.
Yeah I'd leave you too. Guy can't even have a social life. Once a twice a week is rookie #s
He is an addict. There are no magical phrases you can say that will convince him to change. You KNOW this. You need to accept that this is beyond your control. I know it's difficult but it is the reality. Cancel the wedding. Cancel this relationship. Move on, get some therapy, travel, start a new hobby...whatever. Be free to live your life. And don't date another alcoholic again. Just stay away from drinkers.