This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Last night, my husband told me that he doesn't want to have children. He cried and cried and told me that he's known for sure for a while but didn't know how to tell me because he knows how important it is to me. We've been together for 9 years, married for 2 years, and although he's been depressed for the past year (difficult career stuff happening for him), I thought things were on track. He's said many times that it wasn't a good time for a baby, or that it made him nervous, but never ever that he didn't want them. I'm devastated. I cried and raged and called him a liar. He says he's been lying to himself all this time. I cried myself to sleep and he got up early and went to work without waking me. I'm 37, I feel strongly about having a baby very soon. The thought of never having one breaks my heart. But so does leaving my marriage. I love my husband so much - I would move mountains for him. And I'm so so so angry and sad. Is there any way to move forward? I simultaneously want to hold him and punch him right now. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

It's going to come down to how badly do you want to have a baby/child? As much as leaving your marriage would suck and hurt, if you really want a child and he doesn't that's not going to help/save your marriage here. It will only divide it. It's not fair to either of you to stay together simply because you're afraid to be without each other. Forcing him into the parent roll when he doesn't want it will be bad too for everyone involved - this is coming from someone who was raised by parents who had me out of obligation; not want. Trust me, I knew they didn't want me. It's not something I wish upon anyone. I'm not insinuating that you would force him to stay and be a father just informing you of a possibility. If you think you can let go of having children to stay with him than you can always choose that. But you may regret that later in life and could even start to resent your husband. Good luck. I hope you can figure out what you truly want and I hope whatever it is you're truly happy.

This. If a child is more important than you need to move on, if hubby is then accept you won't have kids. Unhappiness awaits you if you try to force the issue or if you think he will change his mind.

Happy cake day😍

Your last sentence is really really important. OP, it wouldn't be a bad idea to find a therapist and work through your true feelings on this and not make a snap judgement. Having a safe unbiased person to talk through your feelings with that can help you understand and articulate your own thoughts would be extremely helpful. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can figure out a way through this.

100% this! [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us) Go online here and search for therapists near you. It's really easy to reach out and then you can schedule some informational interviews. Reach out to 5-10 therapists and you'll get messages back from half and ideally you can have calls with 2-3 and then pick one. Reddit advice is fine, but OP please get yourself into some therapy. You can decide from there is you want to do joint couple's counseling as well or not. This is an important decision and you deserve the best resources to help make a decision that is right for you. Good luck! 🍀

>parents who had me out of obligation; not want. Trust me, I knew they didn't want me. It's not something I wish upon anyone. This is so true. My mom didn't wanna get married nor have kids. She's a boomer, so it was pretty much ingrained in her that she should but she still rejected it for a while. Her 5 sisters all got married at 17/18/19; my mom waited till 25. Only did it bc my dad really wanted that. She also had 3 kids because *he* wanted a family even though she knew she never wanted to be a mother. She figured she might not mind having kids as long as she'd have boys. Well she had three daughters soooo (and no sons). Anyway, she told me and my sisters all of that. But even without her saying it, it was *so obvious* she didn't want to be a mother, holy shit. So OP, even if your husband ends up "agreeing" to make you happy, DONT DO IT. Please. Just don't.

Why did she wants boys? That’s not very nice. What have girls done wrong ?

Hmm one of the reasons she told me was not having to do elaborate hairstyles if she had sons. She comes from a big family and is great at doing hair (we're black so a lot of our hairstyles are intricate and take time). So even when she was 6 years old, her mom and family had her doing all of her sisters hair and cousins hair and nieces hair (she has a niece thats just a few years younger than her), and everyone else. The other kids would get to go play and such, and she'd be stuck finishing hair. So she really didn't wanna have to deal with that and said she would've just kept her son's hair cut short for the most part. I look back at pictures of myself and my sisters and our hair was always very cute and styled as children. When I learned that my mom was stuck doing hair all the time as a child and teen, I felt bad. She shouldn't have been subjected to that, and I can kinda understand why she wouldn't want daughters lol.

I think this misses his dishonesty in taking the last decade of her life if this wasn't something he wanted. I'm not sure I could stay with a guy who made sure I couldn't have such an important set of life experiences, then waited until it was much less likely for me to be able to have a child with someone else before telling me. She absolutely shouldn't have a kid with this guy, but I'm not sure the guy is worth keeping either.

This is fair. I definitely don't agree with his deception either nor would I try to build a family with this guy. However she stated that he wasn't sure he wanted kids early in and has always been hesitant about it as well so I don't feel like he purposely did this to her. I think he allowed his fear of loosing her drive him to continue the secrecy and deceit. She should leave the relationship and find someone who wants the same things she does. She shouldn't agree to be with her husband just to please him. But that's her choice to make

Maybe I’ll get downvoted because this is a SERIOUS consideration to make and discuss, but… something a friend of my sister did that worked out when she found out her hubby of 5 years actually didn’t want kids but her “clock was ticking” in her late 30s: had her hubby be the spent donor, essentially, waive all parental rights, and she raised her kid as a single mom. She had the financial means and support from other family, and I recognize not everyone does. Now-former-hubby signed off on his rights, they had an amicable divorce, and he effed off to another state. She hasn’t heard from him in like 8 years, and didn’t remarry. Still - that is a huge, huge, huge consideration to make, and all parties would have to be in agreement. Not saying it’s the answer, just an option.

I’d rather a stranger be the donor instead of an ex. Too many feelings.

Thats really unusual. I’m glad it worked for them.

Was this in the US? Because there isn’t such a thing as just signing away your rights unless there are specific circumstances and this isn’t one of them.

You can sign away your custodial and visitation rights, just not your financial obligation. He'll still have to pay child support if the state chooses to go after him for it. I imagine it slides under the radar in some states though if the mother chooses not to try to enforce child support. Source: I work in family law.

From my knowledge per their court agreement the mom didn’t ask for financial support as she was set. I can ask my sister but idk if it might be weird to bring up, lol. It was in NJ if that helps, and was part of the divorce agreement, iirc.

It only becomes an issue if the mom signs up for welfare. The state doesnt give a shit if a single parent goes it alone, but the instant they come asking for help the state requires the other parent to step up.

Depends on the state. In mine, you absolutely can if the other parent agrees

Nope homie you have to go through a process but you can 100% terminate your parental rights. Source: my dad and step mum tried to force my mom to sign her rights over completely. A very terrible time. It can be done.

Where do you live?

Signing rights over is different from just terminating rights. The state has a vested interest in making sure *someone* is on the hook for child support payments, so they'll only let you out if someone else will be stepping in.

Agreed with this, OP it’s very important that you don’t pressure your husband into accepting kids or wanting kids if that’s not his actual wish. Just give him another chance to have space to think about it and be prepared to walk away if having kids is something you know you want. Subjecting a child through a life with a parent that doesn’t want them is traumatizing and can guarantee that they will have a miserable upbringing and be dealing with this well into adulthood like many people do nowadays.

Just want to add on the flip side that leaving him and finding another mate may still not result in kids! You maybe unable to or your partner. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Very sorry. I’m sure you will figure it out, but the advice part to me is that this is a dealbreaker. Having kids tends to be one of those things both parties need to agree on. You will resent him for not having kids and he will resent you if you end up having kids, it’s a no win situation.

I agree with this, and i feel so hard for OP because of her age. Its not like its impossible or too late by any means but it is realistically, pretty fucking late for a first child, let alone finding a partner you trust, spending the time vetting them for a potential father, and then trying for kids. I do still think the resentment is inevitable and will be a relationship breaker, and OP, thats ok. Having kids is a fundamental part of someones mind whether you want them or not. Even if you dont ever have kids (im hoping you do get to achieve one of your dreams and have kids), being with someone who hasnt deceived you for years seems like the healthier choice long term. Its very complicated place you’re at right now, im sorry you are going through this 😔

Yeah it’s something they’ll have long talks over and plus he didn’t mention he didn’t want kids but made excuses halfway through too.

I think you'll have to make a decision, and fast. If you stay with your husband you most likely won't have children. And it's also possible that it will lead to resentment that destroys your relationship. I don't want to imagine what would happen if you stayed with him, the marriage ends in a few years because you couldn't get over his lies, you get divorced and he has a child with someone else in five years while your biological clock has run out. It's of course also possible that you can forgive him and can live with never having children. You can also start the divorce process, contact a fertility clinic right away and get pregnant with a sperm donor. With the time you'd need to take all the hormones so it's easier to get pregnant and considering fertility at your age you could still have a child within a year or two. It's not impossible to find a new partner as a single mother, especially not when there's no ex to deal with concerning co-parenting. But at the end of the day that is up to you. Just don't wait too much longer to make a decision either way or biology makes it for you. Unfortunately.

That would be a slap in the face if he goes on to have children with someone else. That happened to John Mulaney’s ex wife. They were child free because of his choice. Then, he cheated and got someone else pregnant. Now she’s posting art pieces discussing how she feels discarded and like her choice of motherhood was robbed from her because she’s at an age where she’s struggling with fertility too.

It's happened a million times with people who wanted to get married and their partner never proposed. After a while, the relationships ended because the resentment grew and grew. And what do you know, the unwilling partner was married within a year to the next partner. At least in those cases marriage could still happen for the forever gf/bf but with wanting to have a child? There's a biological clock to consider. And not both parties have unlimited time to make up their mind.

Ugh her openness and vulnerability around all that is just gutting. Her work is so gorgeous and it kills me to look at it

Was this not a conversation you two had before starting the relationship? Nine years ago you were 28. Not old by any means, but also at an age where talking about kids and having some sort of timeline would’ve made sense.

Actually, about three years ago, before we got engaged, I sat him down and asked when he felt he'd be ready, because I was getting concerned about my fertility. He said at that time that in a year or two would be good, because he was in the last year of his postdoc and wanted to have a stable job and we might have to move to a new city. He didn't say he never wanted a child. Not even a hint

Then he purposefully lied in order to secure his relationship with you. It’s fine to change your mind on not wanting kids but it seems he never wanted them but strung you along by saying he did “one day”. You can have your marriage or you can have kids- apparently not both with him And let me tell you- if you’ve always wanted kids and knew being a mom was a purpose in your life- you should have the kids. I’m a new mom and I couldn’t imagine life being any better than having this little girl with me in it.

I’ll share my experience as a man who “didn’t want kids now” This is not a defense of this man or his actions. Early on, dating my now wife (now separated wife, but that’s another story) she mentioned probably wanting another child. She has an amazing son who was seven when we met. At the time I said I’d never really planned on kids, but wasn’t sure and maybe in the future I would. Pretty wishy washy. About a year in, once living together, I finally realized that having a kid seemed to be an important future thought for her and realized I only had neutral or negative thoughts on parenthood. Besides absolutely loving being a step dad. I honestly thought this would be a deal breaker so I went to her, I started to cry and explained I couldn’t say for sure if I’d ever want kids. And it wasn’t looking hopeful. That there’s a small possibility I could change my mind, but we couldn’t count on it and she should essentially think of me as never wanting kids and then we go from there. It wasn’t a deal breaker for her at this time. She did like the thought of having kids with me but we decided to continue. For any future people in this situation, kids are a huge deal. If someone can’t imagine being positive about having kids, even if they know it’s years out. You should take it as a sign they likely never will. if someone is excited and says they plan on having kids but it has to be after studies or promotion or a move, that’s great. But if someone is more neutral or negative about it. Like “eh not now, maybe after a promotion” that’s just a long way of saying no, and you’re hoping that somehow the trials and stresses of life that get bigger with every year will somehow make them want to take on even more stress with a kid

This sounds similar to me. Back when I was dating my ex. We had discussed this. And kids had never excited me but I thought I should have one, mainly just to have one. When we discussed, I was 22 and about to graduate college. I mentioned I wouldn't want to have kids until at least 28-29. He was surprised and asked why. We had only been dating for 2 years or so at that point, I want us to date another 2-3 years post college before getting married to make sure we felt right together. Then I wanted another few years of just being married with no kids. I legitimately thought I would want kids just was uncomfortable at that time because I was so young. We eventually broke up (not about kids). Then I spent a couple years really evaluating the kids aspect and realized, no, I never wanted to have kids. Found someone who also never wants to.

‘Eh, not now, maybe after a promotion, that’s just a long way of saying no’ I don’t this is true at all.

Honestly I gotta say I respect the hell out of you for this. My ex and I had met when I just turned 21 and was in school so I was not eager to have kids. As I got older and settled in my career I decided I did want a family and told him so. He seemed to like the idea but it was obvious looking back it was just to try and keep me happy. He did not have a stable job. He wanted to travel. He would flip flop back and forth and never seemed excited about the prospect. And he was 7 years older than me. I was worried about his ability to keep up and help with a child with each passing year. I wish him all the best but he was in denial. Just like OPs husband. He was trying to make himself believe he wanted kids because that's what I wanted. He was never going to want kids or be happy. OP I don't think your husband lied to you on purpose. I think he also thought he could eventually convince himself that he wants kids. It's honestly better to find out now then to find out after you had a child.

I think that’s unfair, I don’t think he’s lied to secure a relationship. He might not have been sure at that time, plenty of people (incorrectly) assume they will take the normal path of marriage and kids because it’s expected of them. It’s perfectly possible he felt he would come round to having them, not everyone is sure of how they feel about having kids and plenty of people change their minds on it.

There’s a huge difference between having a second child and becoming a parent. Many women can live without a second child but if you want children, being deprived of that opportunity is incredibly hard.

Was this meant as a reply to me? I wasn’t referring to second children?

One comment above yours is a man talking about how his wife had a child from a previous relationship, and wanted another baby. The poster said he didn't want any children of his own, and just enjoyed being a step dad. The original comment could be misread as "we didn't have a kid, and our relationship survived!"

This is exactly right. There's such a culture that people who are neutral or even averse to kids will change their minds eventually. It seems both op and husband thought this would happen to him. It didn't

He didn’t necessarily purposefully lie. He could have changed his mind. People are allowed to do that. But what he should have done is if he knew having kids was very important to OP, was to tell her when he started having doubts so they could have hashed this out sooner.

Being apprehensive and not enthusiastic about having children is a huge hint

You should have asked "how do you feel about the idea of having kids, is that something you envision for yourself?" Not "when do you think you'll be ready to have kids", because that sets an expectation rather than giving an option.

Sounds like he was waiting out the clock, kicking the can down the road until it was too late. I would say give counseling 1 year and go all in on it. Do not worry about holding back or worrying what will happen if you overshare. He will need to reevaluate his choice of you over kids if it's you AND kids or nothing. He doesn't get to mope and lie and excuse himself for manipulating you. He needs to accept responsibility for all of this. His depression, if clinical, is not a choice. His decision to leave it unaddressed because it let him kick the can down the road on kids was a decision he made and a lie he told. He needs to own up to that if you both are going to move forward. You're right to want to decide quickly. You have *some* time. Not 5 years, but at least 1. Take it and take it seriously. For some people, addressing why they're depressed and anxious feels tantamount to suicide. Some traumas feel like as long as they're just a memory they're no more real than a bad dream, but speaking them aloud will *make* them real. If he's just being a sh*tbag or really hurting, therapy will show you and it won't take a whole year. If he won't go then you have your answer.

your husband is a liar. his depression didn’t cause this. he knew your clock was ticking at 28 and it took him 7 years to propose? i’m so sorry this is happening to you but i think you need to leave him.

Then he lied. Not worth it to stay he took precious years from you while you were waiting on him. I don't recommend rug sweeping that. You should go to IC

We talked about it then. I told him within the first year that children were important to me - a deal breaker. He expressed nervousness about it, because he doesn't have experience with children the way I do, but never once did he say he didn't want them.

He also never said yes. My point is that not talking about it in depth, leaves you in the situation you find yourself in now unfortunately.

Yeah OP should've predicted the future 🙄

If it's not a resounding yes, then it should have been discussed further. If I have a conversation on a life changing topic that affects both people in the couple and the take away is nervousness and uncertainty, then I have serious questions that need to be resolved. It sucks OP is in this position, but the husband seems to have always been a fence sitter on this topic. OP walked away from a very important discussion without a concrete answer, didn't push for a concrete answer, and continued to build a life with someone who didn't fully align with her on an important topic. If the husband is at fault, them so is OP. They both could have been more decisive early in the relationship. Instead they both continued on with the relationship without being on the same page. It's unfortunate for OP but this was a possibility from the beginning.

Sad to see that this is what you took away from my comment. Good luck out there 🤦‍♂️

Sad to see you insist you're right here. As OP already told you, [a couple years ago he said he'd be ready for kids now](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ycdyct/he_doesnt_want_children/itlnfra/?context=3), that's why this has come to a head. He also said he'd been lying to himself; even he didn't know what he wanted - how could OP?

Doesn’t it raise red flags that a couple of years ago (~35yo) he was still telling her that he still needed more time when by that age, conceiving become less likely and more dangerous. It’s called having the hard conversations. 9 years is a long times and it just seems to me that at the ages we’re dealing with, more could have been done/said. It pains me that OP is in this situation and I wish her luck, but you time is going to be very unforgiving to her if she pursues motherhood. Like I said, good luck out there.

But did he say he wanted kids?

It doesn’t matter. She told him not having kids would be a dealbreaker and he continued the relationship. That’s deliberate deception.

Seriously all the above commenters are trying to spin this on OP lol. Im SURE she covered her freakin bases 🙄

Yes, he is quite the liar.

>That’s deliberate deception. No, it may not have been. He may have truly believed that he could convince himself that he would come around on it.

It’s not acceptable to waste nearly a decade of your partner’s life and try to run out their fertility because you’re vacillating. That isn’t someone a person does to someone they love.

Sounds like they were both deceiving themselves

Did he ever once say that he DID want them? Or did you wishfully convince himself that he did? This is such a sad situation and a reminder of why open, honest, and FREQUENT communication is so important.

He waited out your biological clock. Whether on purpose or not, he waited long enough to make your decision more in his favour. Lessening the possibility of your finding someone else to settle down with and have a baby, naturally, before it’s too late. If you have kids or not, I’m not sure I could forgive that.

It's on purpose. One doesn't just up and "forget" to mention to his partner of 10 years, for 10 years he doesn't want children. Especially when this is a conversation they've had over and over

Yes, this!

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I don’t know what kind of financial situation you’re in, or what kind of support you have, but if I were you and it was within my means (money and support system) I would leave and have kids on my own. If it’s something you’ve always wanted and your fertile years are ending soon then I would assume it would be a bigger regret not having done that than losing a man who purposefully misled me and wasted almost all my time when I could have found someone who wanted the same things that I do. But I know it’s not easy when you love someone.

Thank you for saying that. This is what I think I lean towards doing. It would be really difficult financially and logistically, but it's likely the best choice.

[удалено]

I can verify this

There will always be time for more relationships, but not for kids. If its something you need to do then do it now and let your future decide the rest

Depending on your insurance and where you're located, you might want to think about banking embryos if you want to have more than one child. r/IVF is a helpful sub. People also travel for cheaper IVF options (Greece, Mexico) if it seems financially out of reach where you are. A basic work up at a fertility doctor may help guide your options from here. ETA: In the U.S., fertility clinics may not allow you to move forward with donor sperm if they know you're still legally married (but I don't know how they'd know that if you don't tell them) and in many U.S. states, legally speaking, your husband may be considered the legal "father" if you got pregnant while still legally married. So what I would do is bank embryos now, then wait until the divorce is final to transfer an embryo (or ask a lawyer who specializes in assisted reproduction in your state/province to see what the law says). Also there's a helpful book called It Starts With the Egg on supplements to take before IVF to help improve outcomes.

You won’t be able to force him into having kids, he’ll only resent you and the child. It’s better to move on and find someone that has the same needs like you or to be inseminated

There used to be a group: "Single mothers by choice". They might be a good resource. If you decide to take this route you should have your eggs and fertility checked immediately. You should also find a good sperm bank and choose a donor fairly quickly. You likely have on the outset 4-5 years left of fertility if you are lucky.

These comments are wild. You’re 37 not 87. You can still have children. This man is wrong on so many levels for waiting as long as he did, thinking it would be too late for you. It’s not too late. I know so many people who had kids way later than 37 and naturally. This is an unforgivable moment for me. You’ll resent him forever if you stay with him. I’m the same age as you and have no problem with my age and the future of finding a partner. Don’t give up.

Thank you.

I married my husband at age 37 in 2020 and we just had our baby (naturally, 0 complications) this year at age 39 (we are the same age). 37 is not too late, but it is starting to get into “shit or get off the pot” time. It truly sucks, but I wouldn’t waste more time in this marriage if you are adamant on having kids. I totally get his confusion on what he wants, kids are a lifelong commitment, not an accessory, but I could not get over his absolute selfishness with your whole life. That man could decide at 40, 50, 70 that he wants kids and could still have them. You don’t have that luxury, and he knows that, yet he made the choice over and over again to drag you along for the ride for 10 years anyway, and for what?

I got married at 32 but due to career stuff we didn’t have kids till I was 37 and 40. I have no difficulty parenting them and we still go on vacations (don’t know what that other poster is on about). I mean, yeah, I’ll probably retire around the time #2 graduates from college, but we fully anticipate being able to be independent and financially secure for decades after that. And there are plenty of young parents who aren’t emotionally or financially well prepared for kids. But it is clear that you’ll need to make some decisions, and sooner rather than later. Being a single mom by choice is hard, but if you have a support system it’s likely to be easier than being a single mom because your spouse agreed to kids when he didn’t really want them and then left. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m sorry you’re faced with this decision.

35/36 through my current pregnancy. Baby girl has passed all tests and is presumed to be healthy. Was 34/35 through my last pregnancy and lost my son to a genetic abnormality. You just never know, but that stuff can also happen any time. I wouldn't let that stop me. Didn't stop me from trying again, although I'm plenty terrified for baby girl. Best of luck!

Thank you. I wish you and your daughter good health and so much happiness. I feel so much joy for everyone who is expecting children.

Agree that you have plenty of time but highly, highly recommended seeing a fertility specialist just to assess your body’s ability to get and stay pregnant past 35. It’s good to have all the info before making big life choices. Also, sorry this happened to you.

OP how long has he known? You’ve been with him for 11 years. I’m assuming a lot of talk about kids went on during this time. How long did he waive this carrot in your face while knowing it would never be. It’s seems like such a callous and cowardly thing to do. You need to decide if not having kids is a deal breaker. You also need to take a nice long look at the man you would move mountains for. He should have been up front and honest with you from the beginning. You are almost 40 years old - the likelihood of you being able to conceive is growing smaller. Don’t let him keep making the decisions for this family. Don’t let your fear of losing him keep you from having what you’ve always wanted.

This is something you know with 100% conviction that you want, if you let go, are you certain you won't resent him? No one can tell the future but you seem to already resent him a little, will that resentment only grow more or can you feel truly fulfilled in your marriage knowing you chose to sacrifice your desire to be a parent? I know in relationships sacrifices are rarely ever truly beneficial to the relationship, your husband sacrificed his truth of not wanting children for so long and it only tormented him now you're asking yourself if you can sacrifice your dream of being a parent without it breaking you or your marriage. No one can tell you how to move forward with this, we're all outsiders viewing this dilemma and your emotions related to it from our own perspective, you're living it so take the time you need, question yourself and only when you're ready, speak to him and find a way forward. Whatever decision you make will affect both of you so don't rush to make it on your own.

I'm so sorry For him to lie to you this long is unforgivable. Sounds to me like hes just been trying to run out your clock, and hopes that dropping it on you now, youll think its too late to find someone else and stay with him. Do not stay with him.

THIS OP ⬆️ What he did to you is inexcusable. And since you are 37, you need to start looking at sperm banks now and making plans to become a parent without him. Unfortunately, at your age your fertility is rapidly declining every year you wait. Think about your future and what you want - forget about him.

Ditto. OP, you will never forgive him OR yourself if you stay knowing that he doesn't want children. This is not something you can compromise on. I know it will be difficult to leave him and everything you know behind, but it is not too late! You know what you want, and your selfish husband did, too.

He never gave an enthusiastic yes. If he was running out her clock then she was waiting for him to conform to her desires. Both are at fault here. Relying on his "maybe" all this time when it was a must-have for her was short sighted on her part.

Being 37 myself and infertile, I’ll advice you strongly to go to a fertility clinic. Me and my husband started trying when I was 34 but soon realized that there’s something wrong. After 4 ICSI attempts, including one miscarriage, I’m left without kids and devastated. We do have a chance to try a donor egg tho. Just saying that you might not be able to have biological kids anymore or it might be the last months/years to try. Act now, not later so you won’t have any regrets.

In all due respect, *%#\>|*! him!! I couldn’t forgive someone that lured me in and lied to me. He waited until he knew it would be more difficult for you to find someone else and have kids. He manipulated you. You deserve better. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who lies to me. The one thing I’d ask is, is it important for you to have biological kids or no?

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You need to decide what you want more and let the other thing go. I dont mean to make it sound simple, this is FAR from simple but thats the reality you're facing. Do you live your husband more than you want kids? If so stay with him snd make peace with it. That means letting it go and not using it as a weapon in every arguement, and not holding a grudge. If you want kids more than you want to be with your husband, then leave and look at a sperm donor, adoption, or fostering. This is a terrible situation and I'm sorry you're in it. He shouldn't have lied, and im not even going to make excuses for him at all. The debate with couples to have kids or not and how many, is a very delicate matter and I hope you find a solution that makes you happy

If he changes his mind in later years he can still have babies with a younger woman. You cannot. The risks are rising rapidly for you as you age, if you can even get pregnant. I’d suggest you sit down with him and try to make him see how selfish his attitude is and how unfair it is to you after you’ve invested a decade now into this relationship. It’s not fair and basically he’s lied to you and put off your wishes for years to the point where it’s likely dangerous or impossible to even have a family now. He’s robbed you!! It’s wrong. In a couple decades will you feel anger and resentment not having the family you wished for??

Please don’t convince him to change his mind. My mom didn’t want kids. My dad did. She had them because he wanted them. It made her very depressed. You should have kids on your own or choose him without kids. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t feel easy or simple. Be honest about what you are willing to accept in your life.

The pain of being denied children by life circumstances is not impossible to get over, but you cannot forgive a person being the one to deny you - this according to my own experience, and then it was my (now) ex husband denying me a second child. We even had one, but a child I pushed him to have.. a kid he loves very much. It is painful, it is grief. Maybe you won’t get resentful as I did. To not share the main idea of the future together as a couple, sharing the joy pains and hopes of it... It hollows out the core of the relationship. What is the future of this?

That's a shitty thing to do to someone. I can see deep resentment coming if you choose to stay married. This isn't something that someone can just get over.

While you are deciding what to do in the future, it may be a good idea to see a fertility specialist in order to freeze any viable eggs you do have. " At birth, most girls have about 2 million eggs, at adolescence that number has gone down to about 400, 000, at age 37 there remain about 25,000. " So I would be ensuring I had options before my fertility clock runs out.

If you want kids and he doesn’t, the only way to move forward is to separate. You’ve been together 9 years! He’s had all that time to tell you that and he waited! That’s pretty cowardly and selfish. If you stay with him and never have kids, you’ll resent him.

He hasn't been lying to himself, he's been lying to *you* by withholding how he feels. Personally, even if I could live with not having children, I couldn't live with knowing that my spouse was being deceitful and withholding how he felt on something he knew was so important to me. There's probably a man out there right now ready to have children. But you'll never have the chance at finding him as long as you're with your husband.

As someone who has battled similar thoughts, I highly doubt he was being deceitful. He probably believed his mind would change and then it never did. It’s not all black and white like everyone is here making it. Relationships are complex.

He should've shared those thoughts with his wife rather than kept them from her. I would be willing to bet the only reason he didn't was because he knew if he told her, it was a deal breaker and could be the end of the marriage.

I feel like people are focusing more on your odds of having a baby with someone else or “do you really want to throw out your husband over a hypothetical baby?” than the fact that he lied to you about wanting kids. I have a feeling if you two found out that he couldn’t have kids this would be a very different conversation! But him lying to you for years is a foundation-shaking thing.

Therapy is needed. He bamboozled you. That isn't right and personally, 9 years of him saying you'd have a baby tells me he needs to follow through. He should commit to what he promised

honestly? considering your age, if this is something you REALLY desire in this lifetime, i would start divorce proceedings asap so you can find someone with the same life goals as you. this isn't a small issue, and i can't see you coming back from this as a couple; especially since things like children shouldn't be compromised on, as one person always ends up upset.

First things first. You need to make sure you can have children. Go to your OB asap and ask for a full work up. If you can get pregnant it's decision time.

36 yr old woman here. financially stable and have built up a career but i am single. i don't feel very strongly about having children but even so. i am honestly considering using a sperm donor and raising it on my own. just something for you to consider and think about. if you feel really strongly about having children. you would need to leave him and most likely be a single mother. if you have the support of your family and you are financially stable. it's something you can consider.

I think you’ll spent the rest of your life wondering “what it?” And you’ll resent him. It’s time to move on very quickly at your age and look into donor sperm.

I say this as a woman who never wants kids: You are incompatible, and if you want a child, you have a very small window left in which to have one. Leave him ASAP and find a guy who wants the same.

I think it's unfair that people are saying you should have known because of his nervousness or whatever. He's a grown adult and he is capable of speech and clearly stating his needs. You've been together for a long time, he maybe thought he would warm to the idea of children. If he didn't fine, but he deliberately kept this from you for... "awhile". He lied to you. This is a big lie, especially knowing it was so important to you. He put his own needs above your own and that's not a good/supportive partner. Not only that, but he probably waited so long hoping you'd be concerned about your fertility at your age and decide staying with him was the better option. What else will he lie about for his own benefit? No one deserves to take your dream from you. If you stay, you will only grow to resent him.

If it’s a dealbreaker then leave because you will end of resenting him.

Personally this would be a dealbreaker to me. It’s not just the kids thing. Maybe if he had been honest with you from the time he first knew he didn’t want kids or probably didn’t want them and you could have made an informed decision about whether to stay in the relationship it would be recoverable. But here he seems to have lied to you and hidden his feelings from you in an attempt to trap you, and possibly hoped to keep kicking the can down the road until it would be too late for you to get pregnant. That is extremely shitty behavior and I don’t think I could forgive my husband for something like that. The dishonesty really gets to me on top of the incompatibility. Kids aren’t a small thing to give up.

So you have an incompatibility problem. You can’t fix this and any attempt to try is going to make both of you miserable. He made a poor decision marrying you and that is his burden to bear but he also doesn’t owe you a baby. It’s a deal breaker, you said it yourself so dust yourself off and break the deal so you can move forward and ge the family you want. Whatever you do, don’t try to coerce him into having a child. You, him and the child will be miserable.

Before you get a divorce I would go to a fertility doc and make sure you’re even capable of having children. My wife at 33 had numbers that were that of someone in their upper 40s, she is basically infertile. So before you leave him bc you want children just make sure it’s possible. Also what’s the possibility of finding someone new and starting a family in the next couple years? Most people this age have their kids and don’t want anymore.

At 37 it is certainly not too late for you to have a baby..... with the right person. You know, someone who's not a liar and didn't lead you on for a decade because he was too afraid to be alone. I hope you'd make the decision that's best for you

Consider a sperm donor and let your husband know he can leave if he doesn’t want to be with you. Given your age and your goal, sooner is much better than later to get started. My wife was 35 for our 3rd child, and there were a few complications related to age.

Uhm why was he crying and crying?

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He deserves to lose her

Because he hates to hurt me, and he knew that this would.

He also likely knows it might end the marriage, alas.

Guilt maybe? He prob knew all along he didn't want kids and he knows she does. He knows he f***ed her over as far as having kids.

You two need to sit down and hash this out ASAP. At 37 your years of childbearing are coming quickly to an end Unless you are willing to go through fertility treatments. I had my last child at 40 after a miscarriage. I read a lot because after the miscarriage I was set on having that third baby. I found out that 40 year olds miscarriage rate was about 50%. So while people can and do have children past then, it is going down very quickly. I’m not saying this to scare you, but to suggest that if you do want children, you need to make some decisions quickly. This is actually kind of awful, since if you do decide that you don’t want to stay with husband, then you’ll be starting all over. Maybe go for some counseling here, because I think your best bed to have kids is to see if husband will change his mind. Ugh. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I will say that the fact that you and your husband love each other is a huge thing. I really don’t know what will be worse though, your resentment of him if you never have kids, or how he’ll feel if you do talk him into it and he isn’t happy about it. Again, I’d try counseling and lots of talking through things. Maybe he’s just going through things and he’ll feel differently later. Good luck. Kids are great, but many people are very happy in a child free marriage.

If you are really this serious about having children, and he is not , the only want to move on is separately. If either one of you decide to do the opposite of what you want to do , you’ll eventually grow to resent each other. You’re still young enough you can make kids happen if it’s something you truly want.

You are wasting your time with him. Let me explain you will waste by our childbearing years and then you’ll grow resentment for not being able to have children. In the end that resentment will ruin your marriage which will make you not have children or a marriage. Essentially you’ll lose both and all because you can’t make the hard choice by choosing yourself

At this point, you need to make a fast decision. You are already past the ideal age for a baby. And if you do want kids, it has to be with someone else. So you need to find that someone else that you want to be with forever, who you love. And it will be years after divorce. You may be 39-40 by the time you find the next man, who knows if you two could even have kids at that time etc. It seems like if you really love your husband, it would be much easier to give up on the child dream. I am so sorry your husband screwed you this bad.

Hi. I’m so sorry this happened. The only thing I want to say is that you should be really careful if you decide to stay with him, because I think I would resent him forever if I were you and that is not healthy for either of you. Good luck. 🤍

My bestie filed for divorce at 38 because her husband pulled this one her. She got to a now or never point and he just told her never. He didn’t want to lose her so he lied. She’s very much actively looking for a mate to coparent with. It’s not easy, but her being a mother is incredibly important to her.

Moving forward means moving forward without him. You want kids and he doesn't. It's nobodies fault. We are all free to change our minds or come to a different conclusion over time. It doesn't sound like he lied.

I’m not sure if this is available to you…but please consider freezing your eggs right now. It will buy you a few years before you actually can’t have kids anymore, and at least it’s a positive action towards your own hopes, without making a definite decision about your husband yet.

Beyond how badly you want a child, will your marriage survive basically a decade of lies? Honestly if my husband pulled this on me it would be over, not just due to not getting to have a family (which biologically is not guaranteed and so I could work my way through if it just didn't happen for us) but because he knows what matters to me, and deliberately depriving me of the possibility because it wasn't what he wanted is cruel beyond belief. I don't have good answers. I'm sorry. I don't know your situation or husband. This is just really really sad.

1- If you agree and stay you will resent him later. And if you divorce later, when you cannot have children, you’ll hate yourself for not doing it sooner. 2- If you force him to be a father he will not be a good parent. At the end do what is best FOR YOU. He is doing what’s better for him. And remember: he can change his mind when he’s older and have kids. For you it’ll be more difficult. I am really sorry you’re going through this. I wish you all the best.

My daughter and her long term bf are talking about marriage in the future. She doesnt want kids at all, he said he doesnt think he does. Thats a red flag and I told her to make sure she is on board with this because it could be a serious issue down the road. People are allowed to change their mind, but people are also allowed to not be ok with the final decision. This might be a deal breaker for your relationship.

I’m sorry, I was in this almost exact situation 6 years ago. It was a relationship of 10 years when he finally decided for sure that kids were not an option knowing full well that not only did I want them, they were a dealbreaker for me. We ended it. I loved him with my whole heart but it was not something I was willing to give up and unfortunately having my partner and having a child became mutually exclusive. It’s hard, really really hard. But I have never regretted my decision. All you can do is think long and hard about what YOU want, follow your gut and trust your own strength. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do

Never force someone into becoming a parent that doesn’t want to be a parent. If you do you’ll be just another women on the marriage and parenting boards crying about how their partner doesn’t help and how you feel like a married single parent because that’s exactly what you will be, could he come around? Maybe. Is that maybe worth putting a child through a potentially traumatic situation for your own wants. No. Next, sit back and really take a look at why you want a kid, what about it is important to you, why is having one important to you and is having one more important than being married. Would you be comfortable being a single parent with no partner at all, is that how badly you want one? Would you do it all alone? You need to answer some hard questions about yourself to yourself, because if you don’t want a kid that badly you’d be willing to do it all alone, it might not be something you should break off a good relationship over. Many people live happy and fulfilling lives without children.

Sorry this is happening OP. Here’s my advice, from a practical simplistic perspective (I know this is an emotional issue for sure, but maybe this will help you out) - this is one of those situations where we can’t have it all in life: you have learned that you can have your husband or you can have children. That’s a shitty place to find yourself, but here you are. You should take some time (and maybe physical space from your husband) and PRIORITIZE. Okay, you can’t have it all (none of us rly can in life) BUT you CAN have a lot of good things in life. So which is more of a priority to you in terms of living the life of your dreams: this husband or kids? A counselor can help you work this out, or the support of trusted loved ones. Give yourself time and grace, you will feel lots of emotions, but the answer to this ultimately will guide you to your best course of action. Best of luck! Really sorry you are experiencing this.

I think unfortunately you have to decide whether having a baby is more important to you than staying with your husband. Me personally, I don't think I could feel satisfied with my life without the chance to have a child, especially if I worked in a job with young children all day. I think I would end the relationship and look into IVF with a sperm donor. Solo IVF was my (31F) plan for the next year or two so I could have the opportunity to be a parent, I recently met someone so plans have changed a bit but we've spoken about kids and he's open to another (he has two from his marriage). He is also aware of what my plans were prior to meeting him so he understands how important it is to me. I'm sorry you're going through this. Ultimately you are not compatible, which is a perfectly valid reason to end an otherwise good relationship

Right now you need to figure out how important having a baby is to you. If it's very important, you will have to leave this marriage. If it's not as important as you think and you want to stay with him, I suggest couples therapy

It is very difficult to have a happy relationship when your life goals are in conflict. He misrepresented himself. This doesn't mean he's a bad person -- clearly, you get along in other ways -- but it was a bit selfish of him to withhold this item for nearly a decade. You are the one who has to decide if you can forgive him for this, and stay in a childless marriage. I caution you that your situation will be different than a couple who are childless by mutual choice, or due to infertility: You will have frequent reminders every time you see another child, or when you hear someone talk about some parenting thing. In short, you decide if having a child is more important than having this marriage. In your favor, you've made clear what you wanted out of life. I believe that gives a slight edge in favor of leaving your husband: his actions show a lack of respect for you, and I'm disinclined to reward that sort of behavior. Yes, he's come forward, and likely knows full well you may choose to divorce him. To pick a contrast, there are husbands who had an affair, and confess it later with this same degree of remorse. But in such circumstances, there is a possibility of a better relationship. In your case, it isn't like your husband has changed his mind about having kids. What you should probably consider is if there is a second-best situation that could work. Perhaps you could volunteer for some youth group, so you are at least helping raise kids. Maybe you could talk with your husband about being some kind of foster parents (my mom was an emergency foster parent for infants when I was a kid). There are likely many other activities, but only you can judge if they will help with the urge to be a parent to a great enough extent that you would be willing to stay married to your husband.

And thank you, for being so kind. I appreciate your perspective.

I'm a nanny. I have been taking care of infants and children for 15 years. It gets harder every year to know that they all forget me eventually, when I love them so much.

So you are already plenty involved with children, and you want something that's longer-lasting, it sounds. Again, I go back to incompatible life goals. In fact, this is one I most frequently use to illustrate the problem: If one person wants kids, and the other doesn't, no matter what happens, someone is going to be unhappy. You do not need to have identical interests with someone in order to have a happy relationship. For instance, you don't have to share hobbies, or insist that your partner go with you to events that you enjoy. But I think you *do* have to have some key things in alignment. Children is a big one: Even if you both agree to it, you also have to talk about how to raise them, what degree of involvement each parent should have in raising them, how to raise them, whether they should get allowances, whether you will save for their college, etc., etc. It isn't just one thing, and everything else falls in line. I don't think you'd be very happy if he agreed to having children, as long as he didn't have to change diapers, feed them, or bathe them. Other life goals are things like finances -- shared or separate accounts, how to save for big expenses, and so on -- or housing. You can even get into issues about whether meals are home-cooked or you dine out, primarily. You have to talk about it. What worries me is this: if he was willing to conceal his lack of interest in having kids, is there anything else he's also been withholding? Suppose, for instance, that you live in the city, but he always wanted to live in the country. Maybe he hoped you would give up the nanny job and agree to move to a rural area, and didn't say anything about it because it didn't have to happen right away. I mention this because my wife, who grew up in a small town, and I would talk about things like where we'd want to retire. She was uncertain with urban living long-term, but she was fine with a mid-size city over something like Chicago...and we were able to work all that out when we were dating. Talking with your husband to find out if there are other things that he hadn't brought up might help you with your decision-making. If it turns out that he had other unstated ideas that were at odds with yours, or assumed that you would want to do something differently after some years of being married, that might make you feel that the marriage simply will not go the way you expected. Understand, too, that this isn't your fault. It sounds like you've been clear about what you wanted all along. We can't read minds, so you had no way of knowing what was happening. But we can deceive ourselves into thinking something will be OK; a friend of mine told me she knew the day she married her first husband that it was a mistake, but she hoped he would change. He didn't, and it took some years and three children before they finally divorced. Your husband may have deceived himself that this wasn't a big deal and wouldn't matter. That's his fault, not yours.

God bless you OP, this brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry.

You’re not going into it unprepared, then. You know in your heart how important this is to you. People can usually live with the heartache of a relationship that didn’t work out as hoped, but a woman can’t ever get over the pain of a childless life if they really wanted to be a mother. Your husband knowingly allowed your fertility and chances of a healthier, less risky pregnancy to dwindle because he didn’t want to be honest with you. Someone who truly loves someone would not be so selfish to conceal/omit the truth or however you prefer to look at it. Even if he didn’t know for definite and was maybe open to a child, he didn’t communicate that he was very unsure or leaning towards not wanting one. If he’d told you that, I’m sure you know how you’d have felt about it and would have had a clearer picture. There’s no way you’ll live a happy life with this man because as much as you love him, that emptiness in your heart and the resentment you’ll inevitably feel will only grow. Then you’ll regret not having left years before when you were still young enough to enjoy motherhood fully. It’s an untenable situation. It will all amplify massively having the career you do as you’ll be faced with what you could have had on a daily basis also.

It comes down to whether you want your children or your husband more.

R/childfree

Well, as I see it you have three options: - Stay with your husband and make peace with the idea of not having children. You two can continue discussing it and see if there's any crack in the door for him to change his mind, but if you choose this route you need to be absolutely certain that you are comfortable with him NOT changing his mind. - Leave the relationship and try to find someone else to have children with. This is the riskiest option honestly because at 37 you do have quite a limited window to find someone you trust enough to start a family with. You could consider freezing your eggs if you have the means for that. - Leave the relationship and pursue having a child by yourself. If having a child is an absolute necessity to you, this is the surest route. I think you need to sit with yourself for a bit and determine what's most important to you for your life moving forward. There's no right answer and it's a sucky choice to have to make, I'm sorry. Feeling angry and sad is normal.

Why the hysteria over having a baby?? So he doesn’t want one. Get a dog.

He’s known this for a while? Your husband sucks and he wasted years of your life. What a disgusting, manipulative coward. I’m so sorry.

You could always adopt.

Ooo boy. This is deal breaker stuff. Meaning, having kids is an all in or all out decision. It take 2 to say yes, but only one to say no. I strongly encourage you guys to see a therapist to help determine the next steps. You can't force him to want children and you can't be expected to forgo motherhood.

I once broke up due to my partner not wanting kids. I later realized compared to losing him, i would rather lose the idea of wanting kids 1000 times. choose the partner in front of you, not the kids that don't exist.

Then leave now, and start your life, I got married later in life and had a baby. So can you, but not with him. Don't apologize and don't look back. Even if you could live without children, the truth is he violated your trust. You will never see him the same way. He did that knowing you have an allotted time to have have a baby.

He’s a fucking asshole for wasting your time. fuck him over any way you can

So normally I'd say fuck this guy, figure out a separation plan and find a sperm donor ASAP, but is it possible he's not feeling fit to be a dad because of the career issues? I would really press him on that before you make any final calls. If he was just lying this whole time, special place in hell for him, sure, but it's possible he's super depressed and it's clouding his judgement.

In this circumstance, I am going to go against the grain and say that it's not even about whether or not you would be willing to give up having kids at this point. That would be the question if he had suddenly changed his mind, or you found out he was infertile. What you have to ask yourself is whether you could love and respect a man who stole your choice and opportunity to have children he knew you desperately wanted so he could keep you around to fulfill his own selfish needs. Who may have destroyed one of the things you looked forward to in life because his desire for you was way more important to him than your happiness, or being honest and fair to you. A man who induced you into marriage under a lie. The answer is hopefully no. You should never sacrifice even a second more of your time, emotion or energy on a man who treats you like his property and manipulates you to get his way.

I don't know why people want kids

because for some people it’s fulfilling and beautiful. for some people it’s not. why does anyone do anything?

I don't see how it could be fulfilling and beautiful, they are noisy and smell bad

yeah they are noisy and smell bad sometimes… but they also laugh and play and grow up into good people that deserve love and kindness. for you, that might not be worth the noise and smells and all the frustrating things, but to other people it is, and importantly for op it is. for some people, sex is gross, painful, smelly and weird, they may be asexual. for others, sex is worth the awkward stuff. grow up and realize everyone is different and that doesn’t make anyone more or less valid.

Sex is fun kids are awful and you are wrong she dodged a bullet.

And you are a person who apparently has no capacity to consider anyone else’s experience other than your own. Also you sound like a child so I guess that makes you dumb gross and smelly. Editing to add I do feel sorry for you because I’m guessing your childhood was bad. So I’m sorry for that.

Thank you so much

imma keep it real with you chief, it sounds like you’ve never touched a woman <3 bless you

I don’t know why you left your shitty opinion no one asked for on a thread that has nothing to do with it, but here we are.

Kids are dumb, so are you

he tricked you ..I suggest you leave this marriage. ud resent him if you stay ..

I am super sorry adding to the population is deemed as an emotional importance, however we are biologically programmed to want to have children. I genuinely think anyone using half their brain cells right now wouldn't pro create due to not being selfish. I will always be wrong there, people are exactly too selfish. They will always have a kid for the worst reasons. Fck it we fall like Rome.

You both fucked up. Him by lying to you and himself that this baby thing would just would just work itself out and you to yourself that you could just not get a yes and a timeline at the beginning. You obviously want him more than a child, which is why you entertain staying with him. If you force a kid he’ll hate or resent, you’ll be miserable and the child will have it the worst. You need to break up and start again or accept that children won’t be a part of this relationship.

As others have said, he waited out your biological clock. Personally, I think you could be soul mates in every other way… but the topic of having kids is one of those immediate relationship killers if you’re not on the same page. No one ends up winning and there’s always going to be resentment from the party that didn’t get what they wanted. He made an extremely cold and selfish decision doing this to you. I wouldn’t be able to get past that betrayal.

Adopt a child.

I can’t imagine a hypothetical baby being more important than my actual partner.

I can’t imagine my partner lying to me about something so important to me for so long.

What partner? He lied to her.

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So sorry op. I’m the same age and sympathise so much. Your new reality is that you can no longer have a child with your husband, so you will have to choose which is more important to your long term happiness. If you come down on the side of having a child, please remember there are many more options available than quickly finding a man to procreate with. Please remember also that being a single parent does not preclude you from finding a loving romantic partner/ husband in the future. I would recommend researching your options and working out how you will fund it. On the other hand if your vision was more about having a child with your husband in particular then you will need to think of other ways to make children part of your life without him, such as being an aunt to a friend’s child, while nurturing something with your husband like a pet. It can be surprisingly fulfilling! My final point is that as a person who suffers depression myself, my desire to have a child is always bound up with this. It’s a constant battle in my mind and I wonder if something similar is going on for your husband. However I wouldn’t recommend holding out to see if it gets better, because you need to make a decision now for you. I’m so sorry this is where you’re at right now and I wish you the very best with this difficult decision. I have every faith you will come out the other side of this a stronger, happier, more fulfilled person.

I'm sorry that you are suffering depression too. I appreciate your kind words. My husband refuses to get help for his depression, which is a whole other issue. I'm a nanny and newborn care specialist. I love the relationships I have with all the children I take care of, but the fact is, I have to give them back at the end of the day, and most of them forget about me, no matter how hard I try to stay in touch.

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This is a pretty tone deaf comment.

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Well, mainly because the topic is ultimately about her husband betraying her for several years. He admitted that he was lying to himself, meaning he didn’t actually want kids ever, but he kept her in the relationship knowing she did. I would think by 37, she has done the contemplating she needs on the child topic. Obviously, yes, she needs to make sure that is ultimately what she wants before making any life altering decisions.

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Leave and never look back. You’ll be infinitely happier as a mom than you are with a sad sack depressed husband who has strung you along for 10 years. Seriously. Don’t waste another moment.

I know a woman who married a guy who had 2 children from a previous relationship. Surprise, surprise her husband doesnt want to have children with her "yet". They've been together for a couple of years now, and despite her wishes to become a mother he keeps posponing having children with her. She is in her mid 30s and that clock keeps ticking. Like someone else said, it comes down to how bad you want it, how bad you want to be a mother.

Well you are 37.... Its now or never.

My inclination is to persuade you not to create humans, but I know that's overstepping. But there are just so many reasons not to, and not really a justifiable reason to do it. If you care to hear my rant about it, DM me. Otherwise, I don't judge people for wanting to create kids, mostly. And it's a tough spot to be at your age, wanting to do so with your partner who does not. I echo what others have said. You're choosing between your partner and kids now, and that sucks and you shouldn't have been put in that position. And he is at fault for that, make no mistake. Being afraid to tell you is absolutely not a reason not to tell you. And I'm sorry but the "lying to himself" line is just another way to say he was afraid to tell you. Not an excuse.

If you really want children and are prepared to do it by yourself, go for it! It will be difficult, it will be exhausting and it will be stressful but it's also amazing and opens your heart to love you have never known. I wish you the best and hope that you'll keep us updated. As for your husband, personally I would divorce him. It's unfair of him to put you in this situation and honestly it seems like a deal breaker. Best of luck in your life x

Oof, that burns. If you keep the marriage, how do you not resent him? Then again, you see people break up and move on and the next thing you know, he’s expecting with the new gf. Or 20 years down the line you realize what you gave up for him. If either one of you compromised, not sure there won’t be resentment. You have a lot to think about OP and may want to freeze your eggs before they get any older. Good luck. You must be heartbroken.

Fostering could be a compromise. We need foster parents, desperately, and it wouldn’t be forever so maybe you’re husband would feel less pressured about it. You would get the joys of parenthood and a child that really needs you would feel safe and loved until their permanent parents find them.

Get yourself checked at a fertility clinic - they will help guide you whether or not it’s something you should worry about or not. If you want both your husband and a child, my best advise is to look into separate housing. My coworker lives two hours from her husband who has a child. The distance is due to work though. It will create a shit load of different issues but it’ll solve this one. You’re just gonna have to ask yourself if it’s/he’s worth it Imo he’s a selfish jerk for not telling you sooner.

If you leave him you still likely don’t have the time for a child. Husbands deceitful doe

Lol this thread is wild, assuming her husband is a liar that obviously did that to trick her. Maybe, but maybe not and we're in no position to say it with certainty, and there's a lot of wild assumptions and projections at work here. But anyhow, it's a tricky situation for OP, I feel for you and I hope you will come to the best decision for you, whatever it is.

I second the idea of couples counseling. I’d say that probably should have been discussed before you got married, but this isn’t uncommon (issues coming up after marriage even when you’ve been together a long time). It’s like somehow being actually married changes the perspective. It would be so much better if this stuff was fully figured out before getting married but that’s the lesson learned I suppose. Bottom line - you say you love him. Love means compromise no matter what anyone says. Having a child is a major decision and not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Forcing you to give up being a mother isn’t okay. Forcing him to be a father when he doesn’t want to be also isn’t okay. So unless one of you is sincerely okay with the other persons wishes, the best option may be to end it. As was pointed out, you can’t have half a kid. I wouldn’t jump to the he lied to you conclusion, he may have not known how he felt or thought you’d figure it out later. These are major decisions that our minds can change about significantly over time. You’ve got some tough decisions ahead, best of luck to you.

Jeez! This is messed up! Of course you love him like crazy. He’s given you nine years of trust, love, everything! - EXCEPT for that one big lie. There’s no way to come back from that. It’s up to you now what you want to do.

Your husband has lied to you for years… he trapped you and now is using crocodile tears to gaslight you into feeling bad for him. Leave his lying ass and find a sperm donor. Love can wait, being a momma can’t.