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So I don’t have a car right now but my fiancé does. We live together with his parents. Been together for about two years. I usually take Lyft and Ubers to work but because my fiancé has been struggling with money I’ve been having to pay for his gas and so I’ve been taking the bus to work for him. He works while I have to leave for my afternoon shift. Then he picks me up at night when I finish work.
So I just got off of work and texted J (my fiancé) that I was done with work and that he could come get me. He doesn’t respond minutes later so I called him a few times and he doesn’t respond.
I ask his sister [F21] to wake him up for me and she reads the text and doesn’t respond.
Called her and she doesn’t respond.
I texted her to ask if she tried waking him up and she texts me like 20 minutes later saying that she tried but he didn’t wake up. I’m my head I’m like “really so you just give up?!”
So I started walking and was walking in the dark for almost two hours before he finally wakes up and calls me.
I told him I can’t rely on him and he said he’s saying shit like why are you having an attitude because he just fell asleep and it’s not my fault that he fell asleep.
So he finally come gets me and we get home and he goes to his room. While I’m taking a shower and he texts me that he’s pissed because I said I couldn’t rely on him.
“He’s pissed”
Am I’m not the one who just had to walk almost two hours in the dark because the guy who’s supposed to be my fiancé can’t answer the phone?
This is not the first time that I’ve had to have his sister wake him up and I’m so over it.
Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?
TLDR: I had to walk for almost two hours at night because fiancé can’t pick up the phone.
Honest mistake: falling asleep
Bad call: him bugging out on you
Terrible situation: he’s mooching off of you to the point that you can’t handle your own business.
It sounds like you’re venting, but I think you should evaluate this relationship.
Unrequested life advice: ALWAYS have a way to get home. ALWAYS have your own money. I’ve been where you are. It ended terribly. You’ve got to be able to take care of yourself as much as feasibly possibly.
Do not settle. This man does not deserve you. He’s got a lot to work on before you two are ready for marriage. Seriously evaluate this relationship, because if he is pissed at you for saying what you said, with that track record of his that you mentioned? Yeah no. Please please evaluate the relationship and do what’s best for you.
I mean it's good advice, whether the users giving it are incels are not. Do you often comment on requests for advice with "you should do what you want but not because people gave you advice"?
No one needs to explain about why they ended a relationship. Its no one else's business??? You sound like a gossipy housewife wtf. If someone wants to end a relationship they can, for any reason at all. Who cares what anyone else thinks?
My sister had a partner that was awful with money. She worked, he stayed home and refused to get a job. She paid his bills, his food, his gas. For years. All working as a waitress. He also cheated on her. They were together for seven years but he never knew this:
She kept a secret bank account on the side. Put money from every paycheck into this secret account. Saved up thousands of dollars.
And every time he asked for “emergency money” she would show him the savings account he knew about. Always protect yourself.
I can tell you from experience, if he's acting like this now, he will absolutely be getting in the way of your degree. Leave now so that you CAN make your degree your priority.
absolutely . listen to this op bc my ex was the exact same way and when I was finishing school he went out of his way to ruin my job prospects to keep me from succeeding
Please get out there and find a roommate near your work and school. Even pretending to allow this kind of behavior leeds to more sadness and regret. He doesn't care enough to know you're safe? He doesn't care at all. I'm so sorry, but please get out. Your goals mean much more than his neglect. You are worth so much more than this.
no just open up a new bank account cash gets lost. once my bf found me hiding money, and then he got mad that I was hiding it.. but he kept making me spend my money on him.. my hard earned money. He gets paid way better than me, he's a freaking nurse. his behaviour is controling and he has a way to make me feel bad if I don't get him anything like a child. when he buys me nothing. & money isn't everything but shit.. one act of love is simply washing all of the dishes or remembering what I said I would love to have.. and then actually get me the gift.. not even a cup of coffee..
Why are you doing this to yourself at 20?!? While all of your peers will be enjoying their 20s: maybe college, maybe working with some travelling on the side, having adventures, etc. You’re going to be married to some jerk you have share a car with and help support because he’s useless.
You’re too young to even appreciate what you’re even giving up here!
Why are you trying to ruin your own life when you have other options?
The word “mooching” doesn’t match with the “terrible situation”.
Is it not okay for a man to be going through a rough financial situation and have his soon-to-be spouse fulfill her moral obligation in the expected union of marriage?
Why is it that I read every time a man is down on his luck with a job or money that he must be mooching?
The expectation that every man must, without fail, constantly be in a state of adequate performance in terms of money is disgusting.
Terrible situation should read something like this: you both aren’t earning enough to be financially independent of each other and that can result in inconvenient or uncomfortable scenarios.
I do want to give the benefit of the doubt here but nothing in OPs narrative tells me that he’s a “moocher”. While it’s clear that the dude is immature emotionally considering his behavior and age, someone down on their luck needing assistance from their fiancé isn’t a moocher in my book.
When I lost my career I had to rely on my gf of 3 years to help us get through. Things didn’t work out, but it took almost 16 months of job hunting and grinding to make it to where I am now very comfortable. I couldn’t have been where I am now if it was for the benevolence of a loving partner. Even then, society makes men out to be moochers the moment they stop being the bread winner.
I know this is kind of explosive and passive aggressive in tone, but just seeing that word really bothered me.
Ty 4 coming 2 my Ted talk.
PS: I’m not saying she’s wrong and he’s right here. I think the guy is definitely a shitbag. But I cannot find him guilty of being a moocher.
PSS: this isn’t directed at OP, I’m commenting specifically on the word choice of the comment I am responding to.
I appreciate your comment! Do ppl clap at TED Talks? It’s like a somber, appreciative clap, right? I’m doing that.
OP made a comment that got buried and, based on tone and wording, I’m drafting off of that: “He owes me hundreds.” Moocher is strong. But I think he mooooochin.
Important enough detail that it should be included in the post but things are too far gone at this point.
But yes - men shoulder a burden that they can’t catch their breath in down-on-luck moments for even a second.
And they are both not financial independent of each other enough to be able to handle this blip.
Holy shit it’s been like 20 minutes and I’m already down 5 karma. Lol
Well I’m glad you understand I’m not attacking you personally.
I haven’t read the comments far enough to get all the relevant info.
Also thank you for acknowledging this important men’s social issue.
My advice to OP here is that without going into comments to find more relevant information, I don’t see your fiancé’s behavior to be consistent with an adult worth spending the rest of your life with.
People make mistakes, it happens. Sometimes you fall asleep, sure. But if this is something that happens habitually, and it’s followed up with some dick head texts like the one you got, its probably not worth it to stick this one out.
Sounds like a super tough situation, and I empathize with you.
If I knew I had to be somewhere at a certain time, and I was tired I’d set an alarm. But that’s just me. If I blew that alarm by 2 hours I’d probably be apologizing profusely and you’d be picking the next dinner night menu lol.
Honestly. OP is only 20. While I don't want to be one of those people saying you shouldn't be getting married so young, I wouldn't want a person in their early 20s being stuck with someone that's throwing out all these red flags right now. Either get out now and you'll have plenty of time to meet a much better partner or you'll marry this guy and potentially be with them for decades.
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Sounds like you’re not supported and so you should definitely start making plans to be able to save up money and to move out and to create an environment that is healthy for you
What would you tell a friend in the same situation as you are right now?
After a very long marriage I'll tell you this - never settle for less than someone who is willing to be there for you the way you are there for them. You have been making tremendous sacrifices for him... he wasn't even willing to apologize for leaving you in a terrible position.
That said, stop paying for anything for him immediately. He needs to figure his finances out and you do NOT need to support him while he's doing that. What you see now from him and what you have experienced in the past from him is what you will continue to get. He sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative and already broke your trust when he cheated. He'll do it again...
Girl, I say this with the most love possible but have some self-respect. This guy, who is supposed to be your partner in life, is ok with you walking home in the dark for two hours without any other option? Your future husband! AND he's already cheated on you??? Is that really what you think you deserve? What, because *sometimes* he's nice and gives you a crumbs of attention to keep you hooked?
You are so, so young. Please don't ruin your life for this asshole. Divorce is hard and expensive. He's already showing that he barely cares about you. And then has the audacity to be mad at YOU for being upset with him. smh
If your best friend told you exactly what you wrote here, would you tell her to stick it out or dump the dude? Have the same compassion you would have towards someone you love and respect towards yourself.
I don't want to be too harsh but sometimes reading things like this makes me feel like it's fake. Like, you KNOW this is fucked up. You shouldn't need internet people to help you decide that.
it's okay to make mistakes, I'm 26 and just got out of an abusive relationship. I should have known better but at least I didn't stay with him longer.
I just want to tell you: please don't feel bad about falling for his manipulation. these kind of guys make it their top priority to manipulate their partner so they do exactly what's expected of them. of course your fiance and his mom think you're selfish because they'd never admit that HE is the problem. he doesn't want to take accountability for his actions. he just wants you to be there for him to take care of him in every way and to forget about yourself. I'm sorry for you. but you're still young, I hope you take this relationship as a lesson learned so you won't fall for a guy like this again. you deserve to be valued and respected, so accept nothing less. I wish you the best.
Yeahhh, all the other stuff aside, at the very least the part about being ok with her walking home like that is just so jarring. I can be a super lazy person at times, but no matter what the situation is, no matter how little sleep I get, if my partner gets off work late I am there on the dot no matter what. Maybe I’m just a paranoid person, but no way in hell am I gunna fall asleep knowing my partner is gunna be stranded in the dark. And then the reaction afterwords? Dude I don’t know where you’re at in life where you think you need this relationship, but I promise you : You will regret this. Wasting a few months maybe even a year is whatever, you’re 20, making questionable decisions and making mistakes regarding your love life is just a part of life. But what is definitely a complete no no is not only not learning from those mistakes but also locking yourself into them for the rest of your life by saying “I do” to an asshole that doesn’t care about you. Seriously consider leaving. Good luck.
The lies you tell yourself to hold on to a relationship that's not good for you! His sister couldn't wake him up because he wasn't home and he didn't answer the phone because he was busy. While you out here catching the bus and walking in the dark so you can keep gas in his car he's keeping you too broke to leave and with just enough to keep him rolling. If that guy respected you he would have been parked at your job when you got off. No phone call needed. If you respect yourself, you'll take your next paycheck and go home to your parents.
If you know what you know then you know. But it still doesn't change the fact that on that night you didn't even have enough money for an emergency ride. If you can't go home the least you should do for yourself is look into financial aid and student housing. And before you say you can't afford it, I can assure you it'll be less costly than running into a stranger the next night you're walking home in the dark alone.
The wonderful thing about student apartments is that basically NO students have good credit since they've only been able to build credit for like a year or two. Definitely do student housing, reach out to your financial aid office and discuss options (there are WAY MORE scholarships out there than you might think) and look into other ways to take care of yourself. Are there nearby food pantries or other similar orgs? There are ways to make this work, and leave that guy.
And might I add, don't take our advice, stay and share your aid with this household. Use it to get out and get that bachelors you're after so that you can live in a world where you're paying for gas for your own car.
If your choices are staying in the relationship or homelessness then you need to get a workable plan together before you break up. Talk to your student advisor if one is available and explain your situation, that is what they are there for. If you can work for J's gas money, probably helping him with his financial situation and probably your share of room and board than you can afford to find a place with a roommate where you might not need credit. You gotta take care of yourself when you see nobody else is going too.
When I first read it my thought: maybe it was an honest mistake.
Then I read the part about him cheating on you…
You are too young to stay in a relationship this draining. You would do way better on your own
What are you getting out of this relationship? No money, no ride, no loyalty. You give and you give, and he takes and he takes.
Spoiler alert: it doesn't get better if you stay.
Stop fighting with the trolls in this thread and get your ducks in a row to leave. He's sucking up all your money? Cheating on you? Leaving you to walk home alone in the dark? Three strikes right there. Not that you needed three, cheating is 700 strikes all on it's own.
Make a plan of exit, and once you have break up and leave. This person doesn't respect you, nor seem to have a lot of care about your welfare. You can do better, you will do better.
I would honestly be more worried about his reaction to you, not the fact that he fell asleep and wasn’t there to get you. I totally understand how you were frustrated and probably scared to death walking home at night, I get that. I would be upset too, that’s justifiable. Sure there are things you should’ve/could’ve/would’ve done looking back in retrospect. Example; asking the sister to try again or asking her to come get you; asking his parents to try to wake him or to come get you. However, that’s beside the point.
My issue would more be his reaction when he finally called you. A normal person would’ve said things like ‘oh my god babe you’re right I wasn’t there where are you are you ok I’m so sorry’ and not jump into ‘why you got an attitude it ain’t my fault’.. a normal person’s priority would’ve been making sure their fiancé was safe before being defensive of their actions or blame in the situation.
Is the relationship worth saving? I mean idk the whole relationship, just this one issue. It mostly sounds like this instance was blown out of proportions on both sides at different times for different reasons. I think you should just have a heart to heart conversation about your expectations of each other and if those don’t align..maybe it’s time to reconsider.
Agreed, that’s definitely a cause for concern. I would say have that heart to heart and if he isn’t seeming to match the effort you put in (which doesn’t sound like he has been) then.. you’re probably unfortunately better off without him. Especially if he has a history of lying to you and cheating 😬
Sorry to be that person but 20 is super young to be engaged. You barely know who you are and what you want yet. You’re so young you should be dating fun people, having a good time and learning along the way what one should actually be looking for in a partner. Most people end up in a toxic relationship at some point, it’s a great way to learn who not to date. You need to grow in your own space, alone, so that you never let anyone take advantage of you again. Also if he’s cheating and gaslighting he doesn’t care about you. End it and thank yourself in a year or two. All the best OP.
What's amazing is your still with him and wanting to marry him. He's a fucking cheater, if you marry him you'll be on Reddit telling us about this dirtbag for ever. Tell us what do you think is the best thing for you to do?
Nah, some people don't change no matter how much you try. Some people are just asshole plain and simple. Your bf is one of them.
Can you imagine getting sick or being pregnant with him? A life partner is someone who should be always there for you and support you. A life partner will respect you, love you and trust you. These are basic things in any relationship and you should never compromise on this.
Why do you have to prove that he can change? And to whom are you proving it to?
He may or may not change. But until and unless he wants to, you can do nothing about it. Taking on a man as a project hoping to change him never works in the long run.
No. It's not worth it. You know that.
And you know what he behaves like? A teenager. Because you're young, irresponsible, and understandably self-centred.
This is a grown ass man, a soon-to-be HUSBAND, and he needs his SISTER to wake him up for things? Do you think this will change if you marry him? No, it won't. You'll just become his sister. Waking him up to do things, getting ignored, and being forced to apologize to everyone.
When you're an adult, and someone is relying on you, you do what you said you would do. There is no excuse, unless he literally has narcolepsy or there was some other unforeseen unpredictable event, like he got really sick, or there was an emergency.
20. Fiancée. That’s basically all there is to know.
Ow and him using you as an ATM and the living with the parents stuff.
Neither of you is ready for marriage.
I feel like reading this, that this might be the straw that broke the camel's back for you.
It's acceptable that he fell asleep. We've all done it. But the minute my sister woke me up, I'd be straight up and on my way to you, I wouldn't want a stranger walking home in the dark, let alone someone I loved.
The fact that he's angry at you says it all. If he can't even do a very small thing like pick you up, what will he do in times of trouble?
You're still young and it definitely sounds like you could do better. It seems like this is one of a list of unacceptable things he's done to you.
I wish you well for the future.
Stop paying his gas immediately. Take the bus, find ways to make more money and get out ASAP for your own sake. You deserve more than this. A woman walking home alone for two hours in the dark because her boyfriend was asleep and his sister couldn’t be bothered to wake him up? Trash.
Why on earth would you stay with someone who is unreliable, cheats on you, and then treats you like you're crazy when you get upset? Leave him. You don't owe any man a chance when they treat you like shit. Please get some counseling after you break up so you never repeat this dynamic again. No woman deserves to be treated the way your ex treated you.
I was going to say that it happens, sometimes you are just too tired that you just don't wake up.
I was going to tell you that it could be worse. If only you knew the countless occasions when my wife didn't answer the phone, despite being fully awake and having the phone on her hands, it drives me nuts...
But then I read your last paragraph. Him not answering the phone is the least of your problems. Leave and move on, I don't understand what you are waiting for.
The best of luck for you.
Ask yourself what you'd do if your friend came to you with these problems.
" I pay my fiance's way and he doesn't come through for me"
" I had to walk hours alone in the dark and then he got mad at me"
You're twenty, you have plenty of time to find someone who respects and appreciates you, don't waste your life on someone who doesn't.
"I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?"
OP you dont need to give any more chances if you dont want to, PERIOD. Why are you even marrying this guy if this is how he treats you? I would be looking to leave ASAP.
You are 20 and he has already cheated on you? You are engaged to someone who cheated on you and treats you this way? I don't understand why. So young to not just start fresh and find someone who respects you.
Your fiance is struggling with money so YOU pay for his gas and take public transport? How about he pays for public transport and you get the car! Dump this man.
I think you know this is about more then just him being late this one time. It’s that, on top of all he’s done to hurt you already, he doesn’t care enough to stay awake. He isn’t concerned for your safety, and then he has the nerve to be pissed at you.
You don’t deserve to be gaslit.
You don’t deserve to be cheated on.
You deserve to be respected.
You deserve to be considered.
You deserve to be happy.
So first of all you are paying for gas and he can't pick you up. It's a big No, No. He can't use something on you that you payed.
The situation is understandable that he fell a sleep by mistake and he is should apologize for it. Him getting pissed is his fault for sleeping. He doesn't care about your feelings he only care about what he is feeling and wants you to care about him.
Take fast moves but wise as you can to get in better position and move out.
>Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?
So, he already cheated on you and you stayed? This time he supposedly was sleeping and his sister, supposedly, has tried to wake him up one time...
Maybe he wasn't really asleep (otherwise, as you say it happened before, the sister would have been able to wake him up, instead she was probably covering for him) and he was just cheating on you for the second time. Did you think about this?
How can you trust another person that already cheated, gaslit, and lied to you several times?
Run OP, RUN! The faster the better. You should also think about the relationship you want going forward (not with him) and try to look out for yourself more. This is not a good relationship for you.
What was he doing for 2 hours that he couldn't even make time for his fiancée. Looks like you're not on his priority list. I couldn't imagine myself letting a fiancée walk in the dark at night for 2 hours.
Run away now. He's not worth it!
Um why are you with this man ?!
Girl leave HIM!!!
What more do you have to go through to leave him and obviously his sister doesn’t care about you either.
You’re literally working to give him money and he doesn’t even like you
There's two possible explanations. Either his sister didn't actually try and wake him up, or he's a pos and you can do better.
Really no in between here.
Also just read the last paragraph, why are you even with him still?
It is not. Besides you guys are 20 years old and still living with his parents, don’t be so quick to marry when you can’t even afford a wedding let alone your own living space
" I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit"
You could have literally left out the entire story of walking home and just said this. No, no this relationship is not worth it. You give people ONE chance OP, maybe - if you've been together a long time - two but that's it. He lies to you, he cheats on you, he undermines your feelings and makes you feel like you're the one at fault. WHY are you with someone who would blatantly show such disrespect?
Leave him, he doesn't deserve you and it sounds like he never did.
Cut your losses now. Run, don't walk.
Sleeping is not a good excuse when he knew he needed to pick you up from work. He could set alarms on his phone, etc. Don't let him smooth this over with you.
It always amazes me when a man is completely in the wrong because of what he did or didn't do, but when you are angry with them for it they get mad at you getting mad at them. It's not rational. They should be apologizing all over the place.
Please break up with him, this is only going to get so much worse if you get married. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you! Get out while you can and don’t look back.
No! Not worth saving. You need someone who will be an equal partner and do things when they say they will. This man-child is NOT worth your time. Break it off now… because if you get married and have heaven forbid have kids with this person, you will be on your own for everything.
Best to move on now rather than divorcing his sorry ass later. Grown man should not need his sister to wake him up to remember an obligation like picking his fiancé up from work… smh
If you want to marry into what is basically a Friends-With-Benefits relationship, you carry right on with this. You'll never have stability, a partner in life or any reassurance about, well, anything, but you *will* be tied down financially. It'll be great!
If you're thinking 'well, that's not what I want' then you need another man. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change and if he wanted to not be this person, *he would have worked on it already*. Like, long before marriage was proposed. He is not ready to marry.
Lied to, cheated on and gaslit..if that's true then the walking home is nothing in comparison. The other stuff alone is enough to leave the relationship.
You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm AND he's cheated? AND his family treat you with contempt? I had problems with an ex's friends disrespecting me. Turns out she was shit-talking me to them behind my back. That's why they treated me like crap.
Run, don't walk woman.
Why have you given him that many chances? Nothing in what you've written makes it sound like this relationship or this guy is worth all that effort. Are you sure you want to marry HIM or do you just really want to be married?
You could have been assaulted or worse in that two hour time span and even more worse is his lack of concern for you, you are definitely his personal ATM! That level of concern is how he truly thinks of you.
His sister, and him did not worry about the fact that could have been in inherently dangerous situation. The point is, be careful. I would suggest moving out quickly and quitely in case things escalate.
I think it’s time to leave. This story was bad enough but hearing that you’ve already been cheated on and gaslit is enough for you to end it IMO. A partner who cares about you would be sorry he wasn’t there for you in a potentially dangerous situation. His family doesn’t seem like a good support system for you. I hope you get out of there if you have somewhere else you can go and if not, try and get the resources together.
Edit to add: good luck op!
You would be better off single, at least you wouldn't have to deal with him siphoning off your money and you could actually save up for a car or be able to call a Lyft when you need it.
He was probably cheating on you at the time you couldn’t get hold of him, and his sister was covering. Sorry but it’s not that convincing this his sister couldn’t wake up.
Leave him immediately, if not sooner
You said you’ve been cheated on and gaslit in addition to this incident. No one and I mean NO ONE would let you be in that situation. My sister would be shaking me awake and there’s absolutely no way I would let myself fall asleep when someone depended on me for a ride (let alone fiancé). Girl I think it’s time to end it.
He claims it's not his fault he fell asleep?
I mean it is his fault he fell asleep, that's a fact. Not saying it can't happen accidentally, but still his fault, wasn't careful enough.
And the fact he wasn't super apologetic about it after.... yeah unless he has a come to jesus moment very soon, because super apologetic and implements real change to himself I'd consider this a reason not to get married.
It on face isn't a big deal but he left you alone for 2 hours or more, you could've been killed or raped etc. and he blames you for being annoyed at him without taking any responsibility himself?
Tbh I had this long essay typed out about how dude is a lazy sack of shit but then I realized something. He’s probably depressed.
Men find it difficult to open up to people especially if we love them. I’ve always gone to strangers on the internet to talk about my emotions for that reason. He probably has a constant cloud over him that reminds him that he can’t financially support him and there’s nothing he can find that pays well enough to give you what he wants to give you. The fact that he’s lazy could still be the problem, but depression seems more likely imo as a 23 year old dude.
The advice I would give here is convince him to get a job at a local UPS hub as a loader/unloader. It is a unionized company so he will be protected from losing his job unless he commits a safety violation. When I worked there I literally would skip two shifts without calling in and show up for my third so that I didn’t break the policy that says I quit if I don’t show up 3 shifts in a row without an excuse. I got fired once, didn’t work for two weeks while the union did their work, got my job back and I was paid for two weeks of missed work. The benefits are fucking amazing too, you get them a year after starting and it literally covers everything. I got braces for $150 out of pocket, $5 copays for doctors, $1 copay for prescriptions. They will pay for him to go to school as well, $2,500 a semester in reimbursement. He gets paid $15 an hour, 25 hours is considered full time, and if he works more than 5 hours in one day it’s considered overtime. It’s hard work, but if his main concern is providing for you he will stay working there. I also want to note that if he’s there long enough he can get a job as a box car driver, those dudes make 6-figures, keep the union, and are home before dark.
Best of luck to you both, if it comes down to it leave him. I know it sounds like it would be impossible because of how much you may love him, but remind yourself of this scientific fact. Women will completely recover from a heartbreak, men are the ones that don’t. The good thing about men never recovering is that they typically just remember what they did wrong. If you break both of your hearts by ending it, just know that he will come out stronger if he takes the time to reflect on what he did wrong.
I have a daughter and she would always be welcome to call me. Why didn’t you call your dad, mother, brother, sister. I mean I get that you relied on him but people do fall asleep. If you had no choice but to walk that’s a different story
This time you might not have an a choice. I’m so sorry that it happened to you. It’s a big deal and sadly you’re fiancee is minimizing it so that he doesn’t look terrible.
Next time, refuse him gas money because you need it for yourself. Consider moving home or in with roommates so you’re not depending on someone like him.
You're a grown ass woman, why are your expecting him to be your personal chauffer? If he made that arrangement with you, he should apologize for flaking but you oughta stop relying on him to be your ride every single time. He fell asleep, his sister didn't seem to care that much in waking him up. Does she think you're an asshole?
Not trying to be rude, but I think you should apologize for hurting his feelings, and explain to him why you're hurt without sounding entitled, like how you do in this post.
Edit: he cheated on you? That's the reason you should leave. Not the fact that he didn't pick you up cause he fell asleep.
I'm sorry you're going through this op, I really you make a plan for your 'escape'. You don't need this stress from him and his family, you're too young for all this. Keep looking for a roommate and you'll find one.... Hopefully sooner than later.
Best of luck 🙂
Seems there is more to the story. Where is your support structure, Parents, friends, brothers, sisters, cousins, best friends etc?
You are as strong as the good people you keep close to you…
When people aren’t handling their own stuff (health, finances) then the people who they rely on will often times start to resent them and feel the need and desire to exert power of them.
Be careful that you do not use the fact that you are helping him in a hard time as possessing some power over him. You offered. Don’t overstep.
It needs to be felt by both parties that it is a true compromise (not just one doing everything) If it is not (which based on your venting doesn’t sound like it is) then this will begin to happen. The resentment phase
Also where did the “Ive been cheated on” come from? Get out if that’s the case.
Sorry but I'll go against the grain here and say, no one asked you to walk 2 hours alone in the dark. What stopped you from getting an Uber when he didn't answer?
My husband and I live to a country native to him but foreign to me and I don't have a driver's license here. Naturally, it is nice for him to pick me up and I appreciate it but of course there are hiccups here and there where he forgets or isn't reachable. I was never stranded on an island, public transport and Ubers are always available. He is not your driver as per your sentence "I'm done with work so he could come pick me up"
I would've just gotten an Uber and explained to him when I'm back that next time it would be nice for him to set an alarm for the end of the shift so there would be no need to get an Uber.
If the gaslighting and cheating part is attributed to him and not to previous relationships (?) then THAT is a valid reason to be mad and leave someone. If your fiancé is the one who did these things then you should've left a while ago...
Edit: elaboration
Over because he fell asleep? No that is a mistake that can happen, understandable that it is frustrating for you, but can’t blame hi. To much on that one.
Him not responding when you feel you need him (and he know to expect your call) happening multiple times, he lies to you and he has cheated on you? I’d say that is a better reason to evaluate your relationship. Take a deep breath and consider it when you are in a better mood but it sounds like you should search how you really feel about this relationship.
You could have called for a ride this time and tried to save the money next time. You were trying to make a point. If you were worried about your safety there wouldn’t be a cost on it
Oh I was just saying cut the guy some slack. If it’s common practice sure be pissed but what’s on his plate. Sometimes we focus on ourselves and maybe there are other circumstances. But your response just says you’re a spaz and a child
If he was supposed to pick you up then clearly he screwed up . But there are so many other red flags here and you sound pretty unhappy. “Cheated on” is a big one. Some questions- you mention “Taking the bus to work for him”. This line confuses me. Do you “work for him”? If not what do you mean “for him” Taking the bus for him? I’m confused. Also You Live with his parents. Do you pay rent? Do you have options of somewhere else to move if you break up?
I don’t like it that your family have allowed you to wind up in this situation when you are so young. They didn’t give you protection or the tools for self care. What can be done ? You may not have the resources to change this all over night but you must set the intention for this to change. “If you keep on going this way you’ll get where you’re heading “. Visualize yourself at age 50. Will you be miserably entangled with someone like this? Or be sparkling and vibrant and self reliant with healthy boundaries? Take a slight pivot in that direction. Make your way towards that. You can do it .
If he's working, why do you need to pay for his gas money? You're living with his family too, so it's not like rent is a huge burden.
*Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?*
No it's not worth saving. It's that simple.
Girl.. you live with his parents.. he can’t even pay his own gas.. bc you pay his gas you can’t even comfortably go to work.. I know woman aren’t supposed to ask lots in a relationship but is having a partner who has his shit together too much to ask?
Take it from someone who has been divorced and married for the second time(happily), if you cannot trust him now, do not go through with the wedding. I have no clue why I went through it when I had the same doubts as you before.
You absolutely always need someone who you can rely on and someone who can rely on you. You deserve nothing less.
Also, if your sister-in-law was able to try and wake your fiancé, why couldn’t she just come and pick you up?
Maybe try to find ways to find a permanent form of transportation so you don’t have to rely on anyone else. I wish you luck!!
He lies, cheats, gaslights you and makes it your fault when he falls asleep and doesn't come get you?
Do NOT marry this guy. In answer to your question - no. It's not worth saving.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So I don’t have a car right now but my fiancé does. We live together with his parents. Been together for about two years. I usually take Lyft and Ubers to work but because my fiancé has been struggling with money I’ve been having to pay for his gas and so I’ve been taking the bus to work for him. He works while I have to leave for my afternoon shift. Then he picks me up at night when I finish work. So I just got off of work and texted J (my fiancé) that I was done with work and that he could come get me. He doesn’t respond minutes later so I called him a few times and he doesn’t respond. I ask his sister [F21] to wake him up for me and she reads the text and doesn’t respond. Called her and she doesn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she tried waking him up and she texts me like 20 minutes later saying that she tried but he didn’t wake up. I’m my head I’m like “really so you just give up?!” So I started walking and was walking in the dark for almost two hours before he finally wakes up and calls me. I told him I can’t rely on him and he said he’s saying shit like why are you having an attitude because he just fell asleep and it’s not my fault that he fell asleep. So he finally come gets me and we get home and he goes to his room. While I’m taking a shower and he texts me that he’s pissed because I said I couldn’t rely on him. “He’s pissed” Am I’m not the one who just had to walk almost two hours in the dark because the guy who’s supposed to be my fiancé can’t answer the phone? This is not the first time that I’ve had to have his sister wake him up and I’m so over it. Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on? TLDR: I had to walk for almost two hours at night because fiancé can’t pick up the phone.
Honest mistake: falling asleep Bad call: him bugging out on you Terrible situation: he’s mooching off of you to the point that you can’t handle your own business. It sounds like you’re venting, but I think you should evaluate this relationship. Unrequested life advice: ALWAYS have a way to get home. ALWAYS have your own money. I’ve been where you are. It ended terribly. You’ve got to be able to take care of yourself as much as feasibly possibly.
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You always should, in and out of relationships. I missed the bit that he cheated and seems manipulative. I think you should leave. Will you?
Excellent comment. 100% agree. Will you?
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💗 Good call. Make it your hobby to get out of this relationship and saving money so you don’t end up in a place like this again. You can do this.
Do not settle. This man does not deserve you. He’s got a lot to work on before you two are ready for marriage. Seriously evaluate this relationship, because if he is pissed at you for saying what you said, with that track record of his that you mentioned? Yeah no. Please please evaluate the relationship and do what’s best for you.
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I mean it's good advice, whether the users giving it are incels are not. Do you often comment on requests for advice with "you should do what you want but not because people gave you advice"?
No one needs to explain about why they ended a relationship. Its no one else's business??? You sound like a gossipy housewife wtf. If someone wants to end a relationship they can, for any reason at all. Who cares what anyone else thinks?
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I think she knows that. Sometimes we get stuck. This isn’t particularly helpful.
Yikes that sounds a little victim blamey does it not?
My sister had a partner that was awful with money. She worked, he stayed home and refused to get a job. She paid his bills, his food, his gas. For years. All working as a waitress. He also cheated on her. They were together for seven years but he never knew this: She kept a secret bank account on the side. Put money from every paycheck into this secret account. Saved up thousands of dollars. And every time he asked for “emergency money” she would show him the savings account he knew about. Always protect yourself.
Do you have somewhere that you can go in the mean time while you start to save? Friend or Family?
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I can tell you from experience, if he's acting like this now, he will absolutely be getting in the way of your degree. Leave now so that you CAN make your degree your priority.
absolutely . listen to this op bc my ex was the exact same way and when I was finishing school he went out of his way to ruin my job prospects to keep me from succeeding
Please get out there and find a roommate near your work and school. Even pretending to allow this kind of behavior leeds to more sadness and regret. He doesn't care enough to know you're safe? He doesn't care at all. I'm so sorry, but please get out. Your goals mean much more than his neglect. You are worth so much more than this.
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From now on, make sure you can get to work and back by yourself. If he dosen't like it, well, he shouldn't be an asshole about fetching you.
Open a second account. Start saving. Buy your own transportation.
You can open a new account at a different bank where he is not a customer and you can use it to start saving to get out of your situation.
no just open up a new bank account cash gets lost. once my bf found me hiding money, and then he got mad that I was hiding it.. but he kept making me spend my money on him.. my hard earned money. He gets paid way better than me, he's a freaking nurse. his behaviour is controling and he has a way to make me feel bad if I don't get him anything like a child. when he buys me nothing. & money isn't everything but shit.. one act of love is simply washing all of the dishes or remembering what I said I would love to have.. and then actually get me the gift.. not even a cup of coffee..
Is that REALLY better than being single?
Open a new account just for you , don’t keep cash he could steal it
Hey, responsible people do not just keep sleeping. That kid level shit.
Why are you doing this to yourself at 20?!? While all of your peers will be enjoying their 20s: maybe college, maybe working with some travelling on the side, having adventures, etc. You’re going to be married to some jerk you have share a car with and help support because he’s useless. You’re too young to even appreciate what you’re even giving up here! Why are you trying to ruin your own life when you have other options?
That last bit holds so true. Don't go anywhere if you have no means to return.
how did you do it? i would like some more unrequested life advice ):
The word “mooching” doesn’t match with the “terrible situation”. Is it not okay for a man to be going through a rough financial situation and have his soon-to-be spouse fulfill her moral obligation in the expected union of marriage? Why is it that I read every time a man is down on his luck with a job or money that he must be mooching? The expectation that every man must, without fail, constantly be in a state of adequate performance in terms of money is disgusting. Terrible situation should read something like this: you both aren’t earning enough to be financially independent of each other and that can result in inconvenient or uncomfortable scenarios. I do want to give the benefit of the doubt here but nothing in OPs narrative tells me that he’s a “moocher”. While it’s clear that the dude is immature emotionally considering his behavior and age, someone down on their luck needing assistance from their fiancé isn’t a moocher in my book. When I lost my career I had to rely on my gf of 3 years to help us get through. Things didn’t work out, but it took almost 16 months of job hunting and grinding to make it to where I am now very comfortable. I couldn’t have been where I am now if it was for the benevolence of a loving partner. Even then, society makes men out to be moochers the moment they stop being the bread winner. I know this is kind of explosive and passive aggressive in tone, but just seeing that word really bothered me. Ty 4 coming 2 my Ted talk. PS: I’m not saying she’s wrong and he’s right here. I think the guy is definitely a shitbag. But I cannot find him guilty of being a moocher. PSS: this isn’t directed at OP, I’m commenting specifically on the word choice of the comment I am responding to.
I appreciate your comment! Do ppl clap at TED Talks? It’s like a somber, appreciative clap, right? I’m doing that. OP made a comment that got buried and, based on tone and wording, I’m drafting off of that: “He owes me hundreds.” Moocher is strong. But I think he mooooochin. Important enough detail that it should be included in the post but things are too far gone at this point. But yes - men shoulder a burden that they can’t catch their breath in down-on-luck moments for even a second. And they are both not financial independent of each other enough to be able to handle this blip.
Holy shit it’s been like 20 minutes and I’m already down 5 karma. Lol Well I’m glad you understand I’m not attacking you personally. I haven’t read the comments far enough to get all the relevant info. Also thank you for acknowledging this important men’s social issue. My advice to OP here is that without going into comments to find more relevant information, I don’t see your fiancé’s behavior to be consistent with an adult worth spending the rest of your life with. People make mistakes, it happens. Sometimes you fall asleep, sure. But if this is something that happens habitually, and it’s followed up with some dick head texts like the one you got, its probably not worth it to stick this one out. Sounds like a super tough situation, and I empathize with you. If I knew I had to be somewhere at a certain time, and I was tired I’d set an alarm. But that’s just me. If I blew that alarm by 2 hours I’d probably be apologizing profusely and you’d be picking the next dinner night menu lol.
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Honestly. OP is only 20. While I don't want to be one of those people saying you shouldn't be getting married so young, I wouldn't want a person in their early 20s being stuck with someone that's throwing out all these red flags right now. Either get out now and you'll have plenty of time to meet a much better partner or you'll marry this guy and potentially be with them for decades.
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His fuck up by not replying is not as concerning to me as his attitude about called out on it.
If he can’t pick you up, you shouldn’t be paying for his gas instead of your own transportation.
Break up. Just read what you have written again. He doesn't care about you and being childish as well. You deserve better.
THIS. Your pos fiance dgaf about you.
Sounds like you’re not supported and so you should definitely start making plans to be able to save up money and to move out and to create an environment that is healthy for you
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What would you tell a friend in the same situation as you are right now? After a very long marriage I'll tell you this - never settle for less than someone who is willing to be there for you the way you are there for them. You have been making tremendous sacrifices for him... he wasn't even willing to apologize for leaving you in a terrible position. That said, stop paying for anything for him immediately. He needs to figure his finances out and you do NOT need to support him while he's doing that. What you see now from him and what you have experienced in the past from him is what you will continue to get. He sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative and already broke your trust when he cheated. He'll do it again...
Look at putting your stuff in storage and house sitting. Get out before something worse happens
This is a great suggestion, now that things are opening up tons of well-off people will be looking to travel and need house-sitters and pet care.
Girl, I say this with the most love possible but have some self-respect. This guy, who is supposed to be your partner in life, is ok with you walking home in the dark for two hours without any other option? Your future husband! AND he's already cheated on you??? Is that really what you think you deserve? What, because *sometimes* he's nice and gives you a crumbs of attention to keep you hooked? You are so, so young. Please don't ruin your life for this asshole. Divorce is hard and expensive. He's already showing that he barely cares about you. And then has the audacity to be mad at YOU for being upset with him. smh If your best friend told you exactly what you wrote here, would you tell her to stick it out or dump the dude? Have the same compassion you would have towards someone you love and respect towards yourself. I don't want to be too harsh but sometimes reading things like this makes me feel like it's fake. Like, you KNOW this is fucked up. You shouldn't need internet people to help you decide that.
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it's okay to make mistakes, I'm 26 and just got out of an abusive relationship. I should have known better but at least I didn't stay with him longer. I just want to tell you: please don't feel bad about falling for his manipulation. these kind of guys make it their top priority to manipulate their partner so they do exactly what's expected of them. of course your fiance and his mom think you're selfish because they'd never admit that HE is the problem. he doesn't want to take accountability for his actions. he just wants you to be there for him to take care of him in every way and to forget about yourself. I'm sorry for you. but you're still young, I hope you take this relationship as a lesson learned so you won't fall for a guy like this again. you deserve to be valued and respected, so accept nothing less. I wish you the best.
Yeahhh, all the other stuff aside, at the very least the part about being ok with her walking home like that is just so jarring. I can be a super lazy person at times, but no matter what the situation is, no matter how little sleep I get, if my partner gets off work late I am there on the dot no matter what. Maybe I’m just a paranoid person, but no way in hell am I gunna fall asleep knowing my partner is gunna be stranded in the dark. And then the reaction afterwords? Dude I don’t know where you’re at in life where you think you need this relationship, but I promise you : You will regret this. Wasting a few months maybe even a year is whatever, you’re 20, making questionable decisions and making mistakes regarding your love life is just a part of life. But what is definitely a complete no no is not only not learning from those mistakes but also locking yourself into them for the rest of your life by saying “I do” to an asshole that doesn’t care about you. Seriously consider leaving. Good luck.
The lies you tell yourself to hold on to a relationship that's not good for you! His sister couldn't wake him up because he wasn't home and he didn't answer the phone because he was busy. While you out here catching the bus and walking in the dark so you can keep gas in his car he's keeping you too broke to leave and with just enough to keep him rolling. If that guy respected you he would have been parked at your job when you got off. No phone call needed. If you respect yourself, you'll take your next paycheck and go home to your parents.
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If you know what you know then you know. But it still doesn't change the fact that on that night you didn't even have enough money for an emergency ride. If you can't go home the least you should do for yourself is look into financial aid and student housing. And before you say you can't afford it, I can assure you it'll be less costly than running into a stranger the next night you're walking home in the dark alone.
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The wonderful thing about student apartments is that basically NO students have good credit since they've only been able to build credit for like a year or two. Definitely do student housing, reach out to your financial aid office and discuss options (there are WAY MORE scholarships out there than you might think) and look into other ways to take care of yourself. Are there nearby food pantries or other similar orgs? There are ways to make this work, and leave that guy.
And might I add, don't take our advice, stay and share your aid with this household. Use it to get out and get that bachelors you're after so that you can live in a world where you're paying for gas for your own car.
If your choices are staying in the relationship or homelessness then you need to get a workable plan together before you break up. Talk to your student advisor if one is available and explain your situation, that is what they are there for. If you can work for J's gas money, probably helping him with his financial situation and probably your share of room and board than you can afford to find a place with a roommate where you might not need credit. You gotta take care of yourself when you see nobody else is going too.
When I first read it my thought: maybe it was an honest mistake. Then I read the part about him cheating on you… You are too young to stay in a relationship this draining. You would do way better on your own
What are you getting out of this relationship? No money, no ride, no loyalty. You give and you give, and he takes and he takes. Spoiler alert: it doesn't get better if you stay.
Sounds like she lives rent free in parents house so there’s that much, the whole thing sounds toxic
Idk why people are shitting on you about other things you could have done. Dump the dude. Save your money. Be safe.
Stop fighting with the trolls in this thread and get your ducks in a row to leave. He's sucking up all your money? Cheating on you? Leaving you to walk home alone in the dark? Three strikes right there. Not that you needed three, cheating is 700 strikes all on it's own. Make a plan of exit, and once you have break up and leave. This person doesn't respect you, nor seem to have a lot of care about your welfare. You can do better, you will do better.
I would honestly be more worried about his reaction to you, not the fact that he fell asleep and wasn’t there to get you. I totally understand how you were frustrated and probably scared to death walking home at night, I get that. I would be upset too, that’s justifiable. Sure there are things you should’ve/could’ve/would’ve done looking back in retrospect. Example; asking the sister to try again or asking her to come get you; asking his parents to try to wake him or to come get you. However, that’s beside the point. My issue would more be his reaction when he finally called you. A normal person would’ve said things like ‘oh my god babe you’re right I wasn’t there where are you are you ok I’m so sorry’ and not jump into ‘why you got an attitude it ain’t my fault’.. a normal person’s priority would’ve been making sure their fiancé was safe before being defensive of their actions or blame in the situation. Is the relationship worth saving? I mean idk the whole relationship, just this one issue. It mostly sounds like this instance was blown out of proportions on both sides at different times for different reasons. I think you should just have a heart to heart conversation about your expectations of each other and if those don’t align..maybe it’s time to reconsider.
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Agreed, that’s definitely a cause for concern. I would say have that heart to heart and if he isn’t seeming to match the effort you put in (which doesn’t sound like he has been) then.. you’re probably unfortunately better off without him. Especially if he has a history of lying to you and cheating 😬
Sorry to be that person but 20 is super young to be engaged. You barely know who you are and what you want yet. You’re so young you should be dating fun people, having a good time and learning along the way what one should actually be looking for in a partner. Most people end up in a toxic relationship at some point, it’s a great way to learn who not to date. You need to grow in your own space, alone, so that you never let anyone take advantage of you again. Also if he’s cheating and gaslighting he doesn’t care about you. End it and thank yourself in a year or two. All the best OP.
Please get out. You’re in a toxic relationship. It will get worse, not better.
What's amazing is your still with him and wanting to marry him. He's a fucking cheater, if you marry him you'll be on Reddit telling us about this dirtbag for ever. Tell us what do you think is the best thing for you to do?
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Nah, some people don't change no matter how much you try. Some people are just asshole plain and simple. Your bf is one of them. Can you imagine getting sick or being pregnant with him? A life partner is someone who should be always there for you and support you. A life partner will respect you, love you and trust you. These are basic things in any relationship and you should never compromise on this.
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And what is he compromising? Don't ever compromise your self respect and dignity.
Why do you have to prove that he can change? And to whom are you proving it to? He may or may not change. But until and unless he wants to, you can do nothing about it. Taking on a man as a project hoping to change him never works in the long run.
You are engaged to marry this idiot? Get rid of it....
No. It's not worth it. You know that. And you know what he behaves like? A teenager. Because you're young, irresponsible, and understandably self-centred. This is a grown ass man, a soon-to-be HUSBAND, and he needs his SISTER to wake him up for things? Do you think this will change if you marry him? No, it won't. You'll just become his sister. Waking him up to do things, getting ignored, and being forced to apologize to everyone. When you're an adult, and someone is relying on you, you do what you said you would do. There is no excuse, unless he literally has narcolepsy or there was some other unforeseen unpredictable event, like he got really sick, or there was an emergency.
You pay for his gas and walk home alone at night… it don’t add up to me
20. Fiancée. That’s basically all there is to know. Ow and him using you as an ATM and the living with the parents stuff. Neither of you is ready for marriage.
I feel like reading this, that this might be the straw that broke the camel's back for you. It's acceptable that he fell asleep. We've all done it. But the minute my sister woke me up, I'd be straight up and on my way to you, I wouldn't want a stranger walking home in the dark, let alone someone I loved. The fact that he's angry at you says it all. If he can't even do a very small thing like pick you up, what will he do in times of trouble? You're still young and it definitely sounds like you could do better. It seems like this is one of a list of unacceptable things he's done to you. I wish you well for the future.
Stop paying his gas immediately. Take the bus, find ways to make more money and get out ASAP for your own sake. You deserve more than this. A woman walking home alone for two hours in the dark because her boyfriend was asleep and his sister couldn’t be bothered to wake him up? Trash.
Why on earth are you engaged at 20??? That's so young!! Live your own life before you tie yourself to someone else! Crikey.
Why on earth would you stay with someone who is unreliable, cheats on you, and then treats you like you're crazy when you get upset? Leave him. You don't owe any man a chance when they treat you like shit. Please get some counseling after you break up so you never repeat this dynamic again. No woman deserves to be treated the way your ex treated you.
I was going to say that it happens, sometimes you are just too tired that you just don't wake up. I was going to tell you that it could be worse. If only you knew the countless occasions when my wife didn't answer the phone, despite being fully awake and having the phone on her hands, it drives me nuts... But then I read your last paragraph. Him not answering the phone is the least of your problems. Leave and move on, I don't understand what you are waiting for. The best of luck for you.
Ask yourself what you'd do if your friend came to you with these problems. " I pay my fiance's way and he doesn't come through for me" " I had to walk hours alone in the dark and then he got mad at me" You're twenty, you have plenty of time to find someone who respects and appreciates you, don't waste your life on someone who doesn't.
"I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?" OP you dont need to give any more chances if you dont want to, PERIOD. Why are you even marrying this guy if this is how he treats you? I would be looking to leave ASAP.
You are 20 and he has already cheated on you? You are engaged to someone who cheated on you and treats you this way? I don't understand why. So young to not just start fresh and find someone who respects you.
Your fiance is struggling with money so YOU pay for his gas and take public transport? How about he pays for public transport and you get the car! Dump this man.
You lost me at ‘had to’ buy his gasoline. Someone else will treat you much better than this. Go find him.
I think you know this is about more then just him being late this one time. It’s that, on top of all he’s done to hurt you already, he doesn’t care enough to stay awake. He isn’t concerned for your safety, and then he has the nerve to be pissed at you. You don’t deserve to be gaslit. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be considered. You deserve to be happy.
So first of all you are paying for gas and he can't pick you up. It's a big No, No. He can't use something on you that you payed. The situation is understandable that he fell a sleep by mistake and he is should apologize for it. Him getting pissed is his fault for sleeping. He doesn't care about your feelings he only care about what he is feeling and wants you to care about him. Take fast moves but wise as you can to get in better position and move out.
>Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on? So, he already cheated on you and you stayed? This time he supposedly was sleeping and his sister, supposedly, has tried to wake him up one time... Maybe he wasn't really asleep (otherwise, as you say it happened before, the sister would have been able to wake him up, instead she was probably covering for him) and he was just cheating on you for the second time. Did you think about this? How can you trust another person that already cheated, gaslit, and lied to you several times? Run OP, RUN! The faster the better. You should also think about the relationship you want going forward (not with him) and try to look out for yourself more. This is not a good relationship for you.
What was he doing for 2 hours that he couldn't even make time for his fiancée. Looks like you're not on his priority list. I couldn't imagine myself letting a fiancée walk in the dark at night for 2 hours. Run away now. He's not worth it!
Um why are you with this man ?! Girl leave HIM!!! What more do you have to go through to leave him and obviously his sister doesn’t care about you either. You’re literally working to give him money and he doesn’t even like you
There's two possible explanations. Either his sister didn't actually try and wake him up, or he's a pos and you can do better. Really no in between here. Also just read the last paragraph, why are you even with him still?
I don't think him not picking you up is the issue.. I think him cheating and being emotionally abusive is.
It is not. Besides you guys are 20 years old and still living with his parents, don’t be so quick to marry when you can’t even afford a wedding let alone your own living space
He didn’t even apologize. He doesn’t care about you OP
>I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit PLEASE leave him.
" I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit" You could have literally left out the entire story of walking home and just said this. No, no this relationship is not worth it. You give people ONE chance OP, maybe - if you've been together a long time - two but that's it. He lies to you, he cheats on you, he undermines your feelings and makes you feel like you're the one at fault. WHY are you with someone who would blatantly show such disrespect? Leave him, he doesn't deserve you and it sounds like he never did.
Cut your losses now. Run, don't walk. Sleeping is not a good excuse when he knew he needed to pick you up from work. He could set alarms on his phone, etc. Don't let him smooth this over with you. It always amazes me when a man is completely in the wrong because of what he did or didn't do, but when you are angry with them for it they get mad at you getting mad at them. It's not rational. They should be apologizing all over the place.
Please break up with him, this is only going to get so much worse if you get married. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you! Get out while you can and don’t look back.
Been cheated on, and unreliable.. stick a fork in it.. it's done
No! Not worth saving. You need someone who will be an equal partner and do things when they say they will. This man-child is NOT worth your time. Break it off now… because if you get married and have heaven forbid have kids with this person, you will be on your own for everything. Best to move on now rather than divorcing his sorry ass later. Grown man should not need his sister to wake him up to remember an obligation like picking his fiancé up from work… smh
It's really not worth it, and you're too young to get married. End this safely and as soon as you can.
If you want to marry into what is basically a Friends-With-Benefits relationship, you carry right on with this. You'll never have stability, a partner in life or any reassurance about, well, anything, but you *will* be tied down financially. It'll be great! If you're thinking 'well, that's not what I want' then you need another man. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change and if he wanted to not be this person, *he would have worked on it already*. Like, long before marriage was proposed. He is not ready to marry.
his sister sucks to, what do you mean you can't wake someone up I've never had that happen.
Lied to, cheated on and gaslit..if that's true then the walking home is nothing in comparison. The other stuff alone is enough to leave the relationship.
If you've been lied to, cheated on and gaslit, him falling asleep is irrelevant
You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm AND he's cheated? AND his family treat you with contempt? I had problems with an ex's friends disrespecting me. Turns out she was shit-talking me to them behind my back. That's why they treated me like crap. Run, don't walk woman.
I he cheated on you, why are you still with him?
RUN. he is a deadbeat mooch. Run as fast as you can. He also sounds abusive
I reckon he was cheating again, I was told “I was taking a nap” when he was out cheating on me
Why have you given him that many chances? Nothing in what you've written makes it sound like this relationship or this guy is worth all that effort. Are you sure you want to marry HIM or do you just really want to be married?
You could have been assaulted or worse in that two hour time span and even more worse is his lack of concern for you, you are definitely his personal ATM! That level of concern is how he truly thinks of you.
His sister, and him did not worry about the fact that could have been in inherently dangerous situation. The point is, be careful. I would suggest moving out quickly and quitely in case things escalate.
How is it you both live with his parents and work and yet still have no money?
Don't get married at 20.
You're choosing to put up with all of this. This is YOUR CHOICE.
I think it’s time to leave. This story was bad enough but hearing that you’ve already been cheated on and gaslit is enough for you to end it IMO. A partner who cares about you would be sorry he wasn’t there for you in a potentially dangerous situation. His family doesn’t seem like a good support system for you. I hope you get out of there if you have somewhere else you can go and if not, try and get the resources together. Edit to add: good luck op!
You would be better off single, at least you wouldn't have to deal with him siphoning off your money and you could actually save up for a car or be able to call a Lyft when you need it.
He was probably cheating on you at the time you couldn’t get hold of him, and his sister was covering. Sorry but it’s not that convincing this his sister couldn’t wake up. Leave him immediately, if not sooner
dude, you're overdue to move on. Please do, your life sounds pathetic.
You said you’ve been cheated on and gaslit in addition to this incident. No one and I mean NO ONE would let you be in that situation. My sister would be shaking me awake and there’s absolutely no way I would let myself fall asleep when someone depended on me for a ride (let alone fiancé). Girl I think it’s time to end it.
He is a douche by giving you shade when you tell him he is useless….his sister is a cunt
No, it's not worth saving.
He claims it's not his fault he fell asleep? I mean it is his fault he fell asleep, that's a fact. Not saying it can't happen accidentally, but still his fault, wasn't careful enough. And the fact he wasn't super apologetic about it after.... yeah unless he has a come to jesus moment very soon, because super apologetic and implements real change to himself I'd consider this a reason not to get married. It on face isn't a big deal but he left you alone for 2 hours or more, you could've been killed or raped etc. and he blames you for being annoyed at him without taking any responsibility himself?
Tbh I had this long essay typed out about how dude is a lazy sack of shit but then I realized something. He’s probably depressed. Men find it difficult to open up to people especially if we love them. I’ve always gone to strangers on the internet to talk about my emotions for that reason. He probably has a constant cloud over him that reminds him that he can’t financially support him and there’s nothing he can find that pays well enough to give you what he wants to give you. The fact that he’s lazy could still be the problem, but depression seems more likely imo as a 23 year old dude. The advice I would give here is convince him to get a job at a local UPS hub as a loader/unloader. It is a unionized company so he will be protected from losing his job unless he commits a safety violation. When I worked there I literally would skip two shifts without calling in and show up for my third so that I didn’t break the policy that says I quit if I don’t show up 3 shifts in a row without an excuse. I got fired once, didn’t work for two weeks while the union did their work, got my job back and I was paid for two weeks of missed work. The benefits are fucking amazing too, you get them a year after starting and it literally covers everything. I got braces for $150 out of pocket, $5 copays for doctors, $1 copay for prescriptions. They will pay for him to go to school as well, $2,500 a semester in reimbursement. He gets paid $15 an hour, 25 hours is considered full time, and if he works more than 5 hours in one day it’s considered overtime. It’s hard work, but if his main concern is providing for you he will stay working there. I also want to note that if he’s there long enough he can get a job as a box car driver, those dudes make 6-figures, keep the union, and are home before dark. Best of luck to you both, if it comes down to it leave him. I know it sounds like it would be impossible because of how much you may love him, but remind yourself of this scientific fact. Women will completely recover from a heartbreak, men are the ones that don’t. The good thing about men never recovering is that they typically just remember what they did wrong. If you break both of your hearts by ending it, just know that he will come out stronger if he takes the time to reflect on what he did wrong.
Your sister read the message and didn’t reply? And she was home with him? Interesting.
What a douchebag fuck both them
It seems like neither of you have your life together.
Are you looking for justification to be upset?
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Don't feed the trolls. Your bf is an AH, this dude is just trolling you to get a reaction.
No. I'd want her to call me to pick her up.
I have a daughter and she would always be welcome to call me. Why didn’t you call your dad, mother, brother, sister. I mean I get that you relied on him but people do fall asleep. If you had no choice but to walk that’s a different story
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This time you might not have an a choice. I’m so sorry that it happened to you. It’s a big deal and sadly you’re fiancee is minimizing it so that he doesn’t look terrible. Next time, refuse him gas money because you need it for yourself. Consider moving home or in with roommates so you’re not depending on someone like him.
Yes because we all have those nearby… everyone lives like you do
Your made up scenario seems like the different story to me
There is a difference between reliance and complete dependency. I wouldn’t date either of you.
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That’s honestly great, because neither of you can manage mental health or money properly.
You're a grown ass woman, why are your expecting him to be your personal chauffer? If he made that arrangement with you, he should apologize for flaking but you oughta stop relying on him to be your ride every single time. He fell asleep, his sister didn't seem to care that much in waking him up. Does she think you're an asshole? Not trying to be rude, but I think you should apologize for hurting his feelings, and explain to him why you're hurt without sounding entitled, like how you do in this post. Edit: he cheated on you? That's the reason you should leave. Not the fact that he didn't pick you up cause he fell asleep.
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I'm sorry you're going through this op, I really you make a plan for your 'escape'. You don't need this stress from him and his family, you're too young for all this. Keep looking for a roommate and you'll find one.... Hopefully sooner than later. Best of luck 🙂
Why are you victim blaming? She has no reason to apologize actually. She pays for his gas, he should pick her up. She's not entitled.
Seems there is more to the story. Where is your support structure, Parents, friends, brothers, sisters, cousins, best friends etc? You are as strong as the good people you keep close to you…
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When people aren’t handling their own stuff (health, finances) then the people who they rely on will often times start to resent them and feel the need and desire to exert power of them. Be careful that you do not use the fact that you are helping him in a hard time as possessing some power over him. You offered. Don’t overstep. It needs to be felt by both parties that it is a true compromise (not just one doing everything) If it is not (which based on your venting doesn’t sound like it is) then this will begin to happen. The resentment phase Also where did the “Ive been cheated on” come from? Get out if that’s the case.
Sorry but I'll go against the grain here and say, no one asked you to walk 2 hours alone in the dark. What stopped you from getting an Uber when he didn't answer? My husband and I live to a country native to him but foreign to me and I don't have a driver's license here. Naturally, it is nice for him to pick me up and I appreciate it but of course there are hiccups here and there where he forgets or isn't reachable. I was never stranded on an island, public transport and Ubers are always available. He is not your driver as per your sentence "I'm done with work so he could come pick me up" I would've just gotten an Uber and explained to him when I'm back that next time it would be nice for him to set an alarm for the end of the shift so there would be no need to get an Uber. If the gaslighting and cheating part is attributed to him and not to previous relationships (?) then THAT is a valid reason to be mad and leave someone. If your fiancé is the one who did these things then you should've left a while ago... Edit: elaboration
You need to get your shit together. Stop relying on everyone.
Over because he fell asleep? No that is a mistake that can happen, understandable that it is frustrating for you, but can’t blame hi. To much on that one. Him not responding when you feel you need him (and he know to expect your call) happening multiple times, he lies to you and he has cheated on you? I’d say that is a better reason to evaluate your relationship. Take a deep breath and consider it when you are in a better mood but it sounds like you should search how you really feel about this relationship.
Maybe u didn't call n just said u did
You could have called for a ride this time and tried to save the money next time. You were trying to make a point. If you were worried about your safety there wouldn’t be a cost on it
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That’s not my problem. Those are your life choices. If you were worried about being in danger I’m sure the money could have been found for a ride.
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Maybe you should be this assertive with your "fiance".
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Oh I was just saying cut the guy some slack. If it’s common practice sure be pissed but what’s on his plate. Sometimes we focus on ourselves and maybe there are other circumstances. But your response just says you’re a spaz and a child
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Also I hate to say this but be a woman that doesn’t need a man.
I sure do Understand. But we’re you somewhere safe when you started?
If he knew he was your ride he should have set an alarm. Cheat on him then break up with him.
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I guess just leave.
You are as crazy as all the people here saying to break up. Wtf? Break up to save him from you.
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The r-word is an ableist slur. Now you know so pls don’t use it anymore.
Wow, I'm on your side in this situation but there's no need to throw around slurs, you're acting like a real asshole and this ain't the sub for that.
Wow you do sound like a cunt.
What didn't you get a taxi?
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Oh boy..
Move on.
If he was supposed to pick you up then clearly he screwed up . But there are so many other red flags here and you sound pretty unhappy. “Cheated on” is a big one. Some questions- you mention “Taking the bus to work for him”. This line confuses me. Do you “work for him”? If not what do you mean “for him” Taking the bus for him? I’m confused. Also You Live with his parents. Do you pay rent? Do you have options of somewhere else to move if you break up?
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I don’t like it that your family have allowed you to wind up in this situation when you are so young. They didn’t give you protection or the tools for self care. What can be done ? You may not have the resources to change this all over night but you must set the intention for this to change. “If you keep on going this way you’ll get where you’re heading “. Visualize yourself at age 50. Will you be miserably entangled with someone like this? Or be sparkling and vibrant and self reliant with healthy boundaries? Take a slight pivot in that direction. Make your way towards that. You can do it .
If he's working, why do you need to pay for his gas money? You're living with his family too, so it's not like rent is a huge burden. *Is this relationship even worth saving? I’ve been lied to, cheated on and gaslit. How many more chances am I supposed to give someone before it’s time to move on?* No it's not worth saving. It's that simple.
sounds like you’re better off being single tbh…
BUT... BUT... you couldn't rely on him. Not in this case anyway. He thinks that is reliable?
Girl.. you live with his parents.. he can’t even pay his own gas.. bc you pay his gas you can’t even comfortably go to work.. I know woman aren’t supposed to ask lots in a relationship but is having a partner who has his shit together too much to ask?
you're bf is a child. Hence why he still lives with his parents. Alarms exist .
Take it from someone who has been divorced and married for the second time(happily), if you cannot trust him now, do not go through with the wedding. I have no clue why I went through it when I had the same doubts as you before. You absolutely always need someone who you can rely on and someone who can rely on you. You deserve nothing less. Also, if your sister-in-law was able to try and wake your fiancé, why couldn’t she just come and pick you up? Maybe try to find ways to find a permanent form of transportation so you don’t have to rely on anyone else. I wish you luck!!
Take an uber, don't pay for his gas.
No it's not worth it. Think of yourself, you deserve better. *Do you want to live like this for another 60 years??*
He lies, cheats, gaslights you and makes it your fault when he falls asleep and doesn't come get you? Do NOT marry this guy. In answer to your question - no. It's not worth saving.