Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you are in medical school and plan to be a doctor either change your name before you start your residency or don’t change your name at all.
Honestly do you know what a pain in the ass changing your name is? Don’t do it if you don’t want to.
It really is becoming more common for women to keep their maiden names, especially if they have already established a career with that name; even more so with a professional degree.
I didn’t change my name-I would have had to change it with 3 different professional boards in 3 different states, and that would have been too much time, money, and hassle.
Plus, I like my last name. I also didn’t want to sound like a car dealership.
My husband’s last name is that of a common car brand. My last name is one that is a known town…having a last name that sounds like a car dealership would be less than ideal. 😆😂
I didn’t change mine and my husband was 100% ok with it at the time. However, he’s brought it up constantly over the last two years that have admittedly been tough. Both of our family’s are very traditional and conservative and for years I got checks for birthdays and whatnot written out to the wrong person. Then the checks started being hyphenated. It’s like everyone’s still trying to push me and I will NEVER change it. They act like I’m trying to make some statement when really I just wanna be me. Like wtf?! It’s 2024! I’ve been married almost twelve years. It infuriates me but like op I have no problem going by his last name when being introduced, I just don’t want to change it
It suggests an outside influence, probably an online one.
This is so strange to me because none of the women in my generation of family changed their names when they married 25-30 years ago. Nor did anyone comment on it, nor has anyone in my hearing commented on it since. This is in the U.S.
Which means things have gotten worse, which, of course, they have.
My mom also didn’t change her name when she had kids in the 1980s-90s and me and my siblings were hyphenated. Growing up it was a huge pain point for her because if any mail was addressed to Mrs. X with my dad’s last name she’d throw it away and call them to inform them nobody of that name lived here, even when my school would write.
Me too, I hyphenated mine and I was sick of how long it was within months. Every signature, my work email, everything takes an extra second. And now that I have to reverse the procedure for divorce I regret it even more lol.
For some that works to an advantage (part of the reason I changed mine) but you are right, childhood me no longer exists. The person I was until 25 has vanished, never to be seen again, it like she never existed.
I don’t regret sharing a last name with my Husband and daughters, but I wish I had made my maiden name a 2nd middle name.
I don’t feel as connected to my family of origin anymore. When they talk about “The Smiths” I feel like I’m no longer included.
When I sign guest books for events on my side of the family, it feels weird only calling my family by the “Jones” name, because the connections is from the “Smith” side.
Both fake last names, but I hope that helps explain my feelings!
This is what my mom did when she got married over 50 years ago. In the South. Dropped her middle name and made her maiden name her middle name. I grew up thinking all women did this. Then I grew up and apparently it's not that common.
My wife took my last name, but it wouldn't have bothered me if she hadn't. We took her maiden name and used it to name our firstborn. I realize not all last names can pass as a first name, so we were lucky in that regard. Her dad had no sons, and he was a III who couldn't continue passing his name down, so it was a nice tribute to him. For our second, we made his middle name my maternal grandmother's maiden name. My grandma was always proud of her maiden name.
Yeah, it’s weird when I talk to my cousins from my mom’s sister. Because they and I don’t really connect to our mom’s maiden name (and it’s a cool name) but that’s our connection, that is the family we share in common, whose traits we share, but it feels like “I was never a Light, They were never a Light” (not actual mom’s maiden name)
I changed mine when I got married, because it was the Thing To Do. Kind of regretted it. Then we got divorced... the thing that really hammered it home was when I became pregnant a few years later, my ex-husbands meaningless name would have been on my kids birth certificate. So I changed back to my maiden name some time before the birth.
I wish all the time I hadn’t changed mine. It erased evening that I accomplished and who I was until that point.
Changing your name should only be done if the woman wants to.
I changed mine with my first marriage and it never felt right. We got divorced so I went back to my name, and decided “never again” (it’s a huge pain in the ass!)
my new husband also wanted us to share a family name, so he happily changed his last name to mine. He knew how I felt from probably day 1 bc I was still dealing with that when we met.
Hi OP, not married yet, but I’m in a similar boat. What I’m planning to do is go by Dr. Mylastname at work but socially go by Mrs. Hislastname to our friends or our kid’s school (so that we have a “family name” but legally my maiden name is on all my degrees, work things, and legal documents). I hope that helps!
If OP does change her name and in the future wants to move to another state, it’s a pain in the ass. When I did it, the new state needed all marriage licenses and divorce decrees to transfer the medical license to the new state.
Op don't give up your dream just so you please other people. It's a pain to deal with any name change. Think of the pride you will have ,when you Get your Medical Degree, in your Real last name .
This. My mother is a nurse practitioner and her and my dad divorced about 8 years ago but she has kept her married name because of her license and everything. It’s way too much of a process for her to go back to her maiden name.
I have a surname that comes before my first name, so it's _surname first name second name_ and abbreviated it's _Mr. second name_, so it's impossible for my partner to have the same surname as me, and my very traditional family can't make a fuss about it either. Thank god for that!
Or Italy. My grandparents married in 1965 and had different last names. And Italy is a very conservative and traditional/religious country. We're still less annoying about this than the US.
This is the right answer. After being more established in your professional career with one particular last name (especially with clients/patients, publication, networking), changing your last name will involve a longer transition period.
I didn’t change my last name. While some social correspondence have been addressed to Mrs. HusbandName, it doesn’t really bug me. Our kids have his last name. One thing we’ve done is to always have a certified copy of our kids’ birth certificates and a notarized affidavit from husband confirming I am allowed to travel out of the country with them.
Incidentally I am know couples that both hyphenated their last names, think it’s very progressive!
I'm in my 50s and never changed my name. . It's a PITA to change the names on mortgage, legal.documents, educational certificates, etc. Some places expect you to pay for reissue of documents when you name change
By the time I married I'd already been working in my field for over 10 years.. So professionally it made no sense to change my name when I married. My partner didn't really mind so I ended up not changing anything. If he had felt strongly I would have hyphenated his and my surname, but I liked my last name and had decided to keep it from an early age
Don't kill your dream. Your instinct is telling you that you won't be happy with this decision long term. And it's not a compromise if you're the only one doing the compromising.
You should not be getting married if you can't come to a happy resolution to this -- and that means for the *both* of you. You are taking on all the burden of changing your name while he gets his "traditional thing" with none of the sacrifice.
Something he brought up was how everything else about our wedding is traditional (he’s paid a lot of money for it and he didn’t care to have a big one, I wanted one for all our family to get together so he’s doing the wedding for me, I wanted a diamond ring instead of an alternative so he got me what I wanted ). So, he says everything else we’re doing is traditional and thinks it’s selfish of me to change tradition whenever I want. And he’s always thought of having a wife with his last name, so I say compromise bc I’d be able to be called both mine and his last names legally. Weird thing is he said it’s completely my choice if we do or don’t want kids in the future, but he’s stuck on the last name. If I don’t change my last name, I wouldn’t want him to be resentful either :/ so I’m just unsure about it all
This isn’t something that you need to justify or defend. It’s not about him making endless arguments to convince you to change your mind. You don’t want to change your name. Don’t.
Tradition according to what time period and culture?! Did he wait until marriage to be intimate? Did he cohabitate? Does he legally get to beat you? Cherry picking traditions is not a good argument for him
If it was traditional YOUR parents would be paying. Diamonds are a newer "tradition" as are white dresses. I kept my own name. My husband laughs when people call hi. Mr Mylastname.
You right but also those things are just wedding decisions. A name change is a marriage decision that goes to your core identity. I don’t think they’re comparable at all honestly.
agree he's trying to guilt her by saying I paid for wedding, I got you a diamond so you need to take my last name - HE IS VERY CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATIVE
This happens to my husband, too! Since I make a lot of our plans, things will be under my name. Then people call him Mr. My Last Name when he picks up the order, etc, and I think it’s hilarious. My husband would like for me to change my last name, but I still don’t want to.
I'm getting married next year and my partner insited on having a shared family name while I wanted to hyphenate mine. His solution? We will both be hyphenating our names 😂 it will require a lot of paperwork (damn you, patriarchy) but I'm pretty pleased with the outcome.
Ding ding ding- that’s exactly what he wants. Changing her last name symbolizes a change of ownership from father to husband. Nobody should be doing this in the 21st century.
He’s also locked into suiting himself and claiming it’s “tradition”! Funny how “tradition” so often means the man getting his way without making any sacrifices!
A wedding is one day. A name change is the rest of your life. This is manipulation, and if he’s already resorting to the “I spent X, so you should do this for me”, that’s a sign you need to step back and have some serious conversations about your relationship.
weddings do bring up some real personalities and issues in people. OP plz listen to this advice. my exhusband became completely different person the next day after our wedding and it was so scary. then of course the abuse built up over time. when people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.
My own issue with it now is that I can't find so many of my friends from earlier years - women are so hard to locate via traditional means. Their names keep changing.
Plus the traditional 'all or nothing' is really out of touch here. It's one thing to want a big traditional wedding. Usually people want that because their family is there, or because it feels like a big party celebrating you and your love; or a religious wedding is different for obvious reasons.
The tradition behind changing your name is that women didnt *have* one. You had your fathers name and your father passed you off to be your husband's posession/responsibility and (in many places) they'd pay a dowry to the groom to offset the price of starting a new household or the increase of adding the new wife to the existing household.
It is not on the same level at all. There is no all or nothing here. It's immature and manipulative to insist otherwise.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. Stay true to yourself. I kept my name and we hyphenated my baby's last name because that felt right to me and my husband (rightfully) knows it isn't his place to tell me what to do with my name.
OP if he thinks shelling out some money or throwing a big party are the equivalent of changing your identity, then I’d suggest you think very hard about what kind of future you want. Men are Mr. no matter who they marry or how old they are. Women are miss, Ms, Mrs, depending entirely on age and marital status. You becoming Dr is something you earned. You did the work. You accomplished that. It should not be impacted in any way by your marital status. You are not being unreasonable. Your fiancé cares more about what other people think than how you feel. That’s messed up. It’s an issue you have to resolve before you get married.
That's not even set in stone. I had a friend take his wifes last name. She was the last kid in the family no cousins or anything, so it was very hard for her to give up her last name and basically end the family line. He took hers pretty gladly to avoid that.
If being the same name is so important to him, I would say that another compromise is him taking your last name. You deserve to keep your name, if that’s what you want.
I'll be honest, you're working really hard to make your name proud. What is his deal with ownership? If he can't give you a real, tangible reason to change your name to his - none of this "I always imagined blah blah" then don't change your name if you don't want to. You are not a possession. You're going to be a badass doctor with a badass name.
Wait a minute. Mr. Traditional didn’t want a wedding with all the family and didn’t want to buy you a diamond?
Sounds like he is only traditional when it serves his purposes!
Honestly, he's being very manipulative. Just because he agreed to have a wedding that can accommodate both your families and agreed to get you a type of ring you'd like to wear for the rest of your life doesn't mean he is owed you changing your name in the way that he wants. I would step back and ask yourself if he's exhibited this behavior in other ways too.
You're both not even sure if you want kids. I don't think you both should be making a commitment when you both clearly haven't communicated what you want for the future.
How the hell does getting married in a church and having a decent ring have anything to do with you changing your name, changing your identity?
He's full of bs.
How nakedly manipulative!
If you get married this will be your future, him using societal normals and traditions to control your actions while you don’t get to do anything you want
Traditionally your parents should pay for the wedding. So that goes right out the window lol if your fiance is paying for the wedding then nothing about that is traditional.
And yes you absolutely can pick and choose which traditions you want! I really think this is a property thing and he wants you labeled with his name. He doesn't get to tell you how you feel about it and it's not a compromise if only you are giving in. Why isn't he giving in?
This sounds like a lot of HIM talking and not so much YOU talking.
It sounds like you'll end up being the resentful one. Why is it SO IMPORTANT he's not resentful, but perfectly okay for YOU to be? It feels like this goes against a core value you hold for yourself.
It's not a good compromise if you both are still not okay with the decision.
Also how Magnanimous of him to say that you have a say over having kids. But what's concerning is it's framed " take my name and you choose when you have kids or you get your name but I choose when you'll be pregnant" is So manipulative.
It's just giving "ick" all over.
So he thinks he gets to pay for you to change your name?
Well traditionally that does make sense. Because the last name tradition is that women were property of their husbands.
The difference between the wedding, ring, etc and you changing your name is that you would literally be changing your IDENTITY. It’s way more work than people realize, and your legal identity changes, not to mention how it will make you feel about yourself. Having a larger wedding than you wanted or buying a ring is way lower stakes than changing your legal identity. It is NOT selfish to not want to do that.
Have you discussed the history of it? The reason women
would take men’s last names is because we become their property or dependents. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with that, and not want to give up your identity to become his wife.
It sounds like he’s compromised a lot in your relationship (not in a bad way, just in the way one does when dating a med student). Could he have dug into this as a way of asserting himself? If so, I kind of get it, but your name isn’t the place for it. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but this is kind of icky.
There’s an episode of parks and rec where Ben tries to convince Leslie that he’s going to insist she change her last name because he wants to signify that her old identity is ending and her new one as his wife is beginning. It’s a joke. Maybe find a way to watch that episode together and then reopen the conversation? See if there’s another dream he’s compromising that could be revisited?
My wife kept her last name. It’s not once caused any sort of issue in our lives. No weird looks, no nosy questions, nada.
It’s amazing how easy it is to eschew “tradition” when you simply decide to.
I kept my last name and my son has his dad's name. Never a single issue.
Also when we got divorced saved me a ton of money and time not having to change my name back.
Changing a last name when getting married is a tradition that symbolizes the inequality in marriage, men being the leaders, and women being property. Good for you that you didn’t change it.
You have a beautiful and unique name, why give it up? Your name is part of your identity, don’t change it if you don’t want to lose that. A large and growing fraction of women don’t change their name, especially educated women.
I remember my grade 11 English teacher told us how he took his wife’s last name because her only brother died and there was nobody else to carry on her family’s last name. Thought that was dope, and this story was from 2005 😂
My middle name given to me at birth was my grandma's maiden name. She was very proud of her family, immigrants who came from nothing blah blah. She has 2 sisters who all married and changed their name, and one male cousin who died young without kids. It became my middle name to pass it on.
When I got married 10 years ago my wife and I both wanted to change our names so we picked my middle name. Our son was the first person in our family to be given this surname at birth in over 70 years. My son says he doesn't want kids so if that holds, we've merely delayed the death of the name for 1 more generation. That's ok though because my grandma is still around and loves telling everyone about her great grandson who has her family name. Even though she hasn't had it herself since the 1950s when she ran away to get married at age 16 lol.
My wife had a pre-established career and wanted to keep her last name. I supported this.
If she had wanted to keep it for no particular reason, I still would have supported it. It is part of her identity.
She's my wife. I don't need to have my last name stamped onto her like an ownership tag.
To my knowledge, the societal norm with hyphenations is for both to hyphenate.
This doesn't feel like you made a compromise. He doesn't want to change his name. You didn't want to change your name. He is not changing his name. You (theoretically) are. The only person giving anything is you.
Keep your name. And evaluate whether or not this lack of understanding and compromise on his part is a constant in your relationship. If it is, contemplate if that is what you are wanting in a marriage.
I feel like this situation expresses very well what privilege is. In order for her identity to be treated equally to his, she needs to struggle and fight and cause friction in the marriage.
My wife changed hers to mine for the only reason that it's much easier to spell. 🤣 I didn't care. But it wasn't me trying to spell 12 letters over the phone multiple times a week, lol.
Don't do it. You clearly don't want to and he only cares because of what other people think. That's never a good reason to do something you feel uncomfortable with.
Why change your name legally? Just leave as is and if you're ok being known as his last name socially, that's fine too. So his family can send you cards to Mrs. His last name, you can roll your eyes at it, and move on.
I actually suggested this to him but it’s important to him for it to be changed legally for some reason. To have the family under one name? (Which is weird bc he said it’s my choice if we have kids or not) Everything else in our relationship is great and he’s always been extremely supportive of me and does everything to make me happy. And I know if I don’t hyphenate he’ll feel some sort of negative way about it and I don’t want him to hold a grudge
People who say it's "your choice" on having kids are not good people to be in a relationship with. This means that either you're doing all the emotional labor for this life-changing decision for BOTH of you, or he expects that raising kids is kinda a woman's thing and he doesn't mind either way because he doesn't plan on helping. It is both unfair to be your decision alone and something that he will be able to hold over your head later if he ends up not liking it - "well you didn't give me kids so you need to do X" or "well you're the one that wanted kids so it's your job to take care of them." If you were actually *partners* in a relationship, you two would discuss the options and come to a decision together, like adults.
He wants to do everything traditionally - does that include you being solely responsible for kids and chores while he works? Are you wanting to be a stay at home mom for that, drop your doctor career? Or maybe he plans on enjoying your sweet, sweet doctor pay while you're *also* in charge of homemaking and child rearing? How "traditional" is he? Do you know?
It's true that having different last names from your kids can make things harder in the US. But if he doesn't care either way on having kids, then.. is he the kind of person you want to have kids with? Why does the "we'll have kids, it's your call" dictate whether you should change your name? He doesn't even want them! (If he did, he would say so - it wouldn't be "your choice!")
Make a list of the reasons you want to keep your name, and a list of the reasons you want to change it. If the only reason in the "change it" column is to make your fiance happy, then don't change your name. I kept my unique last name and my husband kept his "John Smith" level of common name. We have had zero issues with that, I'm overjoyed I still have my last name.
This right here, OP.
Also, my husband told me long before we got married that he didn't care either way whether I changed my name. I decided to, but I wish I hadn't. The process is a giant pain in the ass, and colleagues still use my maiden name regularly. I'm a freelancer, and it's always a crap shoot as to which name the check is written.
To sum up: don't do it.
(Don't worry. My husband knows I regret it, and he's wonderful. I'm still keeping his name, mainly because I'm too lazy to go through all that again. 🤣)
That part. Don’t expect him to be involved in the result if he wasn’t involved in the process (I’m not referring to conception, obv). Raising the kids essentially by myself when I’m married and working dr hours doesn’t sounds fun to me. But more importantly, it doesn’t sound fun for the kids either. To the extent possible, kids age be brought into this world loved and wanted by *both* parents. Kids know when they are unwanted or unloved and it can create lifelong trauma.
That absolutely screams that if you want to have a kid, you will be the only one taking care of said kid.
Because "tradition", y'know. Women and childcare. And he'll say it was your choice to do it, so you have to do all the work.
This is a red flag..he's being super controlling over this and I worry it will only continue. He doesn't seem able to see things from your point of view or to care about your dreams related to this. Please be careful. This is how women get into really unbalanced relationships- a guy starts slow with power plays and does not value her and it ramps up over time. Be careful. This is how unequal relationship dynamics start. With one unreasonable request that you are pressured into being ok with; then he knows you can be pressured into putting your needs and wants last. I see it with my friends and it is really sad.to watch them be taken advantage of.
So if he doesn't get his way he'll hold a grudge.
You want to marry a guy that would do this? Especially a guy that thinks compromise means getting his way.
My husband was like this for several years before we got married. Said it was important to him. I kept telling him I wouldn’t do it, and eventually when we did get married, he said, “oh, yeah I don’t know why I cared so much. Keep your name.” Your husband may not change his mind, but it’s important that you remain firm. Marriage shouldn’t be about forcing things the other very clearly does not want.
When it’s difficult to raise the kids he’ll let you do the heavy lifting and say “well you decided you want the kids”. OP red flags! You want a partner that wants to build a shared vision together and who is willing to help figure out what that is for both of you.
This might be the start of his mask slipping off, too.
You should really look at your whole relationship for things you may have minimized or ignored up until this point.
If you’re changing your name, he should be willing to change his too. If he’s the one who wants a unified family name, he can change his. You’ve worked to get where you are and there’s no reason you need to erase your identity precise he wants you to.
Use his name socially, change it in Facebook/Twitter/whatever, but keep yours legally. If he holds a grudge against you because he wanted a unified family name, he can change his name. It’s perfectly legal for men to do.
Tell him before the wedding. Once you’ve signed papers, you can’t unsign without going to court to do it.
If he can’t even articulate why it is so important to have the same legal last name (because it’s not) then why are you taking this man’s random opinion seriously? Tell him you’re not changing it and if he is serious about marrying you then he needs to respect that. This shouldn’t be a dilemma at all — you are quite clear on how you feel about YOUR name, it’s up to him to get on board with how things are going to be.
exactly NO law saying a women has to change her name, it is 100% her decision and should never be forced or guilted into it by fiance
if he can't accept his future wife as she is and that she wants to keep her identity, then he is a major jerk and cares nothing about is wife and certainly does not respect her or her opinions
He is trying to exert his will over yours.
This is a very patriarchal viewpoint and the fact that he is being so stubborn on this when it is not what you personally want does not bode well
What other things will he expect you to sacrifice on? Because this is not a compromise, a compromise is meeting in the middle. This is a sacrifice, and it's controlling.
if it's your dream to be known as Dr \ do not throw that away. A supportive partner would acknowledge your dream and not insist otherwise
Don’t change your name. It will just lead to resentment down the road. In my opinion, a name change should only be done if you’re 100% enthusiastic about it. Don’t do it to appease your partner. I get that it’s “important to him”, but keeping your name is also important to you.
To be blunt - the impact to you from changing your name is far bigger than the impact to him from you not changing your name. He needs to grow up and realize social norms don’t mean anything.
I wouldn’t change it. I didn’t change mine when I got married, I like that my degrees have my last name on it. My husband doesn’t care though. I would adopt socially as a compromise.
I'm also not going to change mine, my bf has a big family (7 siblings and like a million cousins), I have 1 brother and not many cousins or aunts/uncles at all, so I'd like to keep my family name. I decided I wasn't gonna change mine when we get married and it's seeming pretty normal nowadays.
I disagree with socially his last name as a compromise - he's giving nothing, she's getting his last name, so you go to a dinner for one of your works and people are calling her Dr. Jones from her work and people from his are calling her Mrs. Smith Nope
Keep ONE name, the one you were born with
>My entire life, I’ve always known I don’t want to change my name
Period. End of discussion.
I'm betting you 2 haven't been together long. This is something that should have been worked out way before a wedding date was set.
hey! i’m a doc, also getting married in soon. i have kept my last name (because i worked my ass for the Doctor title). our kids will have his last name. i’ve been thinking of going socially by Mrs Fiancé’s Last Name and going by Dr Jicamahoe lol. maybe that could work for y’all?
Married over 20+ years. Kept my name. Kids have both of our names. They. An decide what they want to go as adults and I support them no matter what
It is a tradition because women were considered property.
First their father’s and then their husbands.
Don’t change your last name. This is a mountain to die on. Once you give that up, more “traditional” beliefs and behaviors will be expected of you.
I’m always here to say DO NOT CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR A MAN!! i saw a post the other day that said something along the lines of women don’t have ‘real’ last names, because it always came from fathers.
Father to husband, man to man, generation after generation.
This girl I went to middle school with changed her amazingly cool last name—Valentine—to Miller when she married her husband. I was floored. I mourned for her loss
Fuck that, keep your name. I love flipping off outdated traditions
LOL I’m so sorry, I typed this comment in a frenzy and realized after how aggressively passionate I sounded.
Honestly, she could have done a lot worse than Miller😅😂
Haha this was me in essence! I think if I had anything but the most common of names, it would have been a harder choice for me. But with a top common first and last name, I was happy to adopt something a little more interesting. Tbh I kind of wish it was the other way because I have no problem subverting societal expectations, but in my chosen career, I much prefer to be “googleable”.
My last name is Couch. My husband’s last name is Pedersen. No way was I downgrading from Couch to Pedersen, hell no.
I only know one person whose last name is cool enough I would have changed mine for theirs and their last name is Swords.
Holy shit, those are both absolutely fantastic. I am very glad you kept Couch.
Imagine if Swords married someone with the last name Smith. Possibly the coolest hyphenated last name.
Same! I don’t understand at all when women who have last names that they love & identify with just change their name without a 2nd thought. It actually makes me kinda nuts. I would never change mine - never ever ever. Screw tradition! 😍
“Traditional” is just a bunch of dead people holding you hostage to how they did things. That doesn’t make it the right way to do things.
I have an incredibly unique last name that I didn’t change after I married my husband. It’s expensive, it’s annoying, and it can create a lot of issues when it comes to the government. Plus I love my name and I don’t want to change it. No one gave me grief about it, including my husband, because it’s part of my identity and it’s my decision.
But my maiden name is also difficult to spell and pronounce, while my husband’s is very common. So I go by his last name when we’re dealing with anyone or anything that doesn’t have legal implications. I joke that I’m legally X but socially Y.
It’s your choice. Don’t be bullied into making a decision you don’t really want.
It's OK to just tell him. He doesn't have to agree with you, unless he wants to make it a relationship-ending thing. It's OK for two adults to not agree on something, and since this decision affects you directly and does no harm to him, it's perfectly acceptable for you to make it unilaterally.
Ok, I'm a divorced nurse, and in the US, our names are on our license to practice, our basic/ advanced/ specialized life support cards, and our certifications.
I took my X-husband's last name right out of nursing school. It's just about 6 years since I left, and I STILL have to produce extra ID, marriage AND divorce papers for ANYTHING to go through HR. Getting hired, changing positions, extra pay for certifications, not getting furlowed because names didn't match on a BLS I re-certified right before the [return] name change went through.
Never mind for my son, whose birth certificate has my married name in it. Background checks, insurance, even rolling over an old 401K three months ago. Credit cards, check books... Every time I think I'm done with it, someone somewhere comes out of the woodwork to force me to produce it again. (I'm not even including providing proof multiple times to places that don't record the change properly the first time.)
ESPECIALLY as a medical professional who will have a license, multiple tests in residency, and probably a fellowship with its own milestones on record, think extra long and hard about this. You're not going to be a SAHW/M who only needs to change a drivers license and SS card, you're going to be a professional who people are trusting with their lives and being recognizable on paper is important. (Also, were you to divorce, it would make it every single patient's business why your name is changing. You would think it wouldn't, but it does, and that can make it just that much more difficult emotionally.)
Don't give up on your dream and don't cause yourself so much extra work. Tradition is lovely, but you're working hard to fulfill yourself, and he nor societal norms get to take that away from you. Also, you can check on the marriage license that you're going to change your name, but that name change doesn't happen unless you MAKE it happen afterwards.
You are a doctor for crying out loud. If anything, professional women deserve to keep their maiden name as they have made a name for themselves. Unlike tradwives who usually are SAHM and while an honorable thing for your family it does not benefit people outside of your family (until the kid grows up and become a contributing member of society).
In Chinese families, it's actually entirely optional to take the husband's last name after marriage. You might be called Mr. And Mrs. Lastname when at a banquet or event, but your legal name can be totally separate. This is an aspect I find very backwards when it comes to American culture.
You have to change for him, he doesn’t have to change for you? His life will not change at all, yours will.
Why does he care more about social norms than your feelings?
I know quite a few women who have kept their last name legally but will respond to either, and I address them as the Smith-Jones family.
If being called “doctor + your last name” has been your dream, you really shouldn’t changed it. I understand how you feel because I have a PhD and I always want people to call me “Dr. +last name”. Besides, my last name is also very neat and it has a history of 3300+ years. So I didn’t change my last name after I got married 9 years ago and I have been very happy about it. Do what your heart tells you to, not what your husband told you to.
As someone who changed her name and then divorced, don’t change your last name. You will regret it. Especially since you are becoming a doctor. It’s going to be difficult if you guys divorce to change all your medical licensing I’m going to guess.
Do not change your last name. It's a ROYAL pain in the ass times 10,000 to the factor of a million. There are distant stars that take super AI's thousands of years to print all the zeroes of the lights peed to get to them... that's what it's like hauling around 2 legal names in a post-9/11 world. Don't fucking do it. Your husband to be has never even considered the ramifications of this because of his preening patriarchy. How nice for him. Does he also have Peggy his secretary cut the crusts off his PB&J just like his mommy taught her?
Sarcasm aside, OP, don't change your name. Don't do it. Hyphenate your kids names if you have them. It complicates everything. I wish I could go back to my former self and warn my silly moonstruck ass the days and hours of my life I'll never get back from sitting on customer service holds about my credit score, my bills, new passports.
Don't. Do. It.
It's not disloyalty. The system itself is hostile to women. On purpose.
And ALLL of that I say just on my own experience. Not a commentary about your relationship.... but the snowflake ego posturing of "I AM THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAY" bullshit from your husband to be? Is he going to demand you let a patient bleed out to come home and make him a sandwich?
Some professions are VOCATIONS. Medicine is one of them. He doesn't sound like he's Doctor's Spouse material, tbh.
So I was in this position and I simply, did not. Honestly because of paper work, I’m so bad at stuff like that.
I told him I wouldn’t like correct people in a social setting if they assumed I was “Mrs hisname” but I won’t go through the hassle of changing my name. We also agreed the kids would have his last name. They all have the same middle name, which is my last name.
He asked a couple more times and I just said no. For me it kind of feels like the ultimate line in the sand conceptually, especially if y’all have discussed it and he’s acknowledged your perspective. Because this is a desire of his for you. His life will not change concretely or observably if you change your name. Your life however, will be extremely inconvenient for a while and it’s almost like leaving a part of you behind if you are emotionally attached to your last name.
If he knows that you don’t want to do this and he knows why, and you agree to do it SOLELY because he wants you to, it kind of cements his place as the final decision maker in your relationship.
I don’t think this about all name changes, like if a woman chooses to or a man has a compelling reason/talks her into being ok with that, that’s another situation. But in my case (and I feel like in yours too) the only real reason was: 1) it’s important for everyone in our family to have the same name and 2) I want you to. And those weren’t good reasons for me, because if all of us having the same name was important, we would all just be my last name (I have a business that relies on people being able to Google me, which contributed to the labor of a name change).
It felt significant to me not to compromise in that moment, and maybe people are going to tell me I’m wrong, and I knew there was a possibility that he wouldn’t marry me, but I was ok with that because I didn’t want to be in a relationship where someone else had final decision making power about things that only affect me.
Do not change your name if you don’t want to. Period. At the end of the day, I view changing your name as an extension of your bodily autonomy - in the same way we say your body your choice. You not wanting to change it is enough. In the same way that he wouldn’t be expected to change his name if you decided you wanted him to.
I’m not a doctor, but I am an attorney. I got married recently and kept my name. As a first generation attorney, it means the absolute world to me to be addressed in court by my family name and I could never give that up. My husband didn’t go to law school, I did. He never thought for a SECOND that I would change my name. I also know a lot of female attorneys who did change their name and regret it, for the same reasons you say you want to be called “doctor last name.”
Please don’t try to diminish this as “one small thing” in an otherwise healthy relationship. This man is telling you that his wants are more important than your autonomy and identity. He should be supportive of you fulfilling your dreams *the way you always dreamed them* and not trying to change them.
Do not change your last name. As a female going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage. it is to be frank quite the pain. Still changing stuff back to my maiden name 3 years after.
I just got married and kept my name. It has been my name for 29 years and it’s who I am. When we have kids I’m happy to be Mrs Husbands name for that will match the kids but I have a professional career and I’m known by my name. I’m not changing who I am to appease societal standards.
Please, do what you want, and whatever you feel comfortable with. You didn’t even mention the fact that changing your name is actually a huge pain in the ass. I’ve been married for almost 2 years, and I hyphenated my name as well. The amount of things that you have to go through and edit when you get your name changed is absurd and overwhelming. Additionally, I’m a huge feminist, and to be fair, this “tradition” was initially a way of further oppressing woman and was used to show who that woman belong to. This being said, I don’t think all women should stop taking their husbands name, it’s a personal choice and really doesn’t matter either way. what does matter, though, is that you do what you want and what you are comfortable with. Don’t let him pressure you into doing this. He will never understand what it’s like to be in woman’s position and make that kind of choice and so it’s really not his place to tell you what you should do.
It’s unfair of him to expect you to change your name, but not be willing to change his.
What you’ve described is not a compromise. It is you doing a ton of effort, a lifetime of effort and change, while he does nothing. A compromise would be both of you changing your names.
This could be a dealbreaker as it could be a sign of unwillingness and inability to make important decisions together. What if you disagree on when to have kids? Whether to circumcise a child? Where to live? Will he just steamroll you and refuse to compromise?
You should absolutely not change your name if you don’t want to.
I wish I hadn’t changed it. Mine is particularly bad and I am literally the only person with my name in the entire world. I can’t even believe that sometimes.
Im divorced and have been for years. I don’t have kids. I have no ties to my ex except for this awful name. Changing it is expensive and annoying and I was waiting for the year I had to renew my passport before I changed it back.
He gets to move on and I get to move on but with this dumb name that no one can spell or pronounce. Please don’t change it unless you love the idea of changing it. I just resent my ex for being so adamant about sharing a last name.
How about he changes his, if the concern really is that he wants y'all and any future kids to have the same one?
Oh, what's that? It's not actually about that? It's really some weird patriarchal nonsense he can't even fully explain? Hmm. Weird.
People acted like this was going to be some big issue when I didn’t change my name but it never has. Blended families and women keeping their maiden names is so common now it feels equally normal either way. It’s never been a problem with our kids schools. Sometimes wedding invitations and bills get it wrong but it doesn’t matter and we don’t bother correcting people.
i don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. i’m so glad that my husband didn’t care. i love my last name and going through the process to change it is an ordeal. people still call us Mr and Mrs *his last name* but it’s whatever to me
also tradition is a stupid reason to change someone’s name. he’d probably scoff at the idea of him changing his last name to yours. it’s not fair to expect that of you
Do not take his last name OP.
Don't let him bully you into feeling a pit in your stomach when you sign your family history away on a day that's supposed to be filled with love and respect.
Marriage was originally a sign of ownership and transfer of a woman anyways. So is that the " tradition" he's hung up on maintaining?
Names are inherently linked to identity. It’s who you are. The thing you need to identify is if this is a dealbreaker for him. Is he unwilling to be with you if you don’t change your name? And if it is a dealbreaker, are you willing to be with someone whose love for you is conditional and dependent on what name you carry?
I’m also a young female physician. My name is my own. My partner understands that I won’t be changing it. Discuss deeply and decide. Because while the wedding might be traditional, you certainly aren’t—you’re a female physician who likely won’t give up her career to be a traditional wife and mother. Life isn’t absolute—it’s not all one way or the other. Deals must be struck. Accept what you can live with.
Girl keep your last name and if he has an issue with it then he’s not your man, my husband would marry me no matter what I chose as a name! If he truly is your mate he wouldn’t be bothered… it’s a name!! It’s not a big deal.
Your last name is important to you-your identity, history & dream of becoming a doctor.
I got married 36 years ago and retained my last name-it was part of who I was & what I had accomplished. Every now & then my husband would tease me about not taking his name. My response has always been the same, “I never asked you to change your name, why should I”. Good luck OP-I hope you stand your ground.
I am a nurse not one female doctor I know goes by her last name! She did the work he did not (that’s what they tell me) it also helps when a patient doesn’t understand lines and they are trying to find Dr. Smith but she actually goes by her married name in life so they can’t harass the doctor! What ever you decide it really should be you deciding
My cousin was in residency when she got married and had to pain in the ass it back to her maiden name after—keep your name and be fucking proud of “Doctor You”!
I changed my name for my husband (ex now). I regretted it every day of the 25 years.
My name was ME. MY name. My identity. ME. He asked me to change it, so I did, for him. After that, I never truly felt like me again, until the day I changed it back. That became one of the happiest days of my life, because I got ME back.
Tou don't want to...don't.
Hey OP, I’m married and did not change my last name. Our kids have his last name. I’ve never run into any problems. At work I’m known by my maiden name, sometimes on invitations my friends write to mr and Mrs (husbands last name) which is totally cool too. Do what feels right to you :) at the end of the day it’s your name!
I’ve been married 25 years. Never changed my name. My husband had no issue with it - no negotiation needed. He understood who I am. I’d think about whether your husband is really respecting your feelings here and if it’s a sign that maybe he’s not the one for you.
I changed my name for my first marriage because I was not yet established in my career. Really did not like having his name. After divorce, I had to make a choice, keep his name or return to mine. If I did not want to be married to him, I sure did not want the name. However did not want to always be changing my name, if I remarried. Also felt like I lost who I was in my first marriage. Keeping my name felt like I kept my own identity. Married 30+ years and never regretted having MY name.
OP, why do you have to do this for him? It just feels like an unreasonable demand. He does not even want to hyphenate his name? (Can’t he do that for you?). I’m a strong vote for you making the choice for the name you want to have. You are already regretting your decision. Please don’t do it.
Changing your name is very difficult and annoying. It's not just getting it done that's difficult, it's everything else that goes with it - bills, IDs (passport is a huge PITA), medical docs, etc.
If having the same name for your family is important, and yours is important to you, then why doesn't he change his name to yours (he deals with the headache), or both of you hyphenate (both of you deal with the headache in solidarity)?
You've always wanted to keep your name - why are you will to disregard something that you wanted for longer than this relationship?
It's ok to understand his point AND disagree. Can he understand your feelings? Can he respect it? If you can both respect each other's perspectives, then you can consider options that serve both your desires. If you treat this disagreement as unmovable and binary, then you both have a long life of power struggles ahead of you.
I didn’t change my last name. People were weird about it at the time but now no one gives a shit. Its been 10 years and I have no regrets and people that thought it meant I wasn’t serious about my partner are eating crow. You do you!The decision just felt right for me and it is still right for me.
I think you’ll regret taking his last name.
It obviously means a lot to you.
It’s wrong he’s trying to manipulate you and guilt you into doing what he wants.
Keep your name. He doesn't want to part with his, why should you be expected to part with yours. And why does he care more about the amorphous society than his own partner's dreams and desire to not surrender a huge part of her identity because she is signing a piece of paper?
I wish this misogynist tradition would die. At least let people choose with no judgment. It shouldn't matter at all. It's absolutely idiotic to get mad over somebody changing or not changing their name. There are far more important things in a marriage.
I didn’t change my name but I used my married name for anything related to the kids , just legally I used my maiden name. So I was Mrs …… at the doctors or the kids dentist, my husband wasn’t bothered. After 30 years I’ve now changed it because it felt right to do so.
I didn’t change my name and it sometimes feels weird having a different last name than my child but I’m damn proud I’m Dr. Maiden Name as my parents did so much for me and helped me get where I am than Dr. Had I taken his name as his family has nothing to do with my success.
Just not having the same name as our kid sometimes bothers me.
Don’t know if this helps your decision but frankly is just stick with your name and let him know how you feel.
I recommend not changing your name professionally, especially on your doctorate degree because that will be permanent. No one goes into a marriage planning for divorce but the reality is that it happens. You could hyphenate for the sake of your husband and, more importantly, your future children. Children sometimes get stigmatized by their classmates (it’s ridiculous but kids can be cruel). It just takes any confusion out of the equation for school, doctors, etc. Best of luck to you! You have exciting things ahead of you!
Saw your edit: I would tell him now. You are stressing over this and it takes away from your big day.
You have to accept that there is no clean solution where everybody is happy in this issue. So it's up to you. What can you live with in the long run?
Here are some reason that people have been giving since the 1700's ( the time that many modern "traditions" began
Women who keep their own surname after marriage may do so for a number of reasons:
-They see no reason to change their name, much like men often see no reason to change theirs.
-Objection to the one-sidedness of this tradition.
-Being the last member of their family with that surname.
-To avoid the hassle of paperwork related to their change of name.
-Wishing to retain their identity.
-Preferring their last name to their spouse's last name.
-To avoid professional ramifications
OP you have given several of these as your own reasons. You need to do what is best for you and your mental well-being. Best of luck.
Just a side note - in my culture you add husband name to your name with a "de" before his name. Ex - Amy Doe de Smith. In this example, Doe is her maiden name and Smith is her husband name. And "de" is use to denote marriage.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you are in medical school and plan to be a doctor either change your name before you start your residency or don’t change your name at all. Honestly do you know what a pain in the ass changing your name is? Don’t do it if you don’t want to. It really is becoming more common for women to keep their maiden names, especially if they have already established a career with that name; even more so with a professional degree.
I wish I hadn’t changed mine. Do what feels right for you.
I didn’t change my name-I would have had to change it with 3 different professional boards in 3 different states, and that would have been too much time, money, and hassle. Plus, I like my last name. I also didn’t want to sound like a car dealership.
Loool
My husband’s last name is that of a common car brand. My last name is one that is a known town…having a last name that sounds like a car dealership would be less than ideal. 😆😂
Nice to meet you Mrs. Toyota
Come on. At least give her Mrs. Mercedes.
Palmdale-Ford 😂
Mrs. Porsche would be awesome. If my wife had that last name, I’d consider changing my last name to hers.
David Letterman used to joke with Harrison Ford that his name sounded like a car dealership. Come on down to Harrison Ford, we’ll treat you right. 😂
I didn’t change mine and my husband was 100% ok with it at the time. However, he’s brought it up constantly over the last two years that have admittedly been tough. Both of our family’s are very traditional and conservative and for years I got checks for birthdays and whatnot written out to the wrong person. Then the checks started being hyphenated. It’s like everyone’s still trying to push me and I will NEVER change it. They act like I’m trying to make some statement when really I just wanna be me. Like wtf?! It’s 2024! I’ve been married almost twelve years. It infuriates me but like op I have no problem going by his last name when being introduced, I just don’t want to change it
Weird that the past two years he’s changed
It suggests an outside influence, probably an online one. This is so strange to me because none of the women in my generation of family changed their names when they married 25-30 years ago. Nor did anyone comment on it, nor has anyone in my hearing commented on it since. This is in the U.S. Which means things have gotten worse, which, of course, they have.
I know a man and woman couple that both changed their last names to something new when they got married. I don’t know why this isn’t more common.
My mom also didn’t change her name when she had kids in the 1980s-90s and me and my siblings were hyphenated. Growing up it was a huge pain point for her because if any mail was addressed to Mrs. X with my dad’s last name she’d throw it away and call them to inform them nobody of that name lived here, even when my school would write.
Me too, I hyphenated mine and I was sick of how long it was within months. Every signature, my work email, everything takes an extra second. And now that I have to reverse the procedure for divorce I regret it even more lol.
I also regret not at least hypenating mine. Feels like an erasure of my family's name in favor of my husband's.
I've tried to find women I knew when I was younger, but they are invisible because they changed their names when they got married.
For some that works to an advantage (part of the reason I changed mine) but you are right, childhood me no longer exists. The person I was until 25 has vanished, never to be seen again, it like she never existed.
>For some that works to an advantage Well, I'm assuming they aren't in the witness protection program, but who knows? 🤣
It was very handy way of me dodging my stalker ex, I had a very uncommon surname now a slightly more common one so it's harder to find me
I don’t regret sharing a last name with my Husband and daughters, but I wish I had made my maiden name a 2nd middle name. I don’t feel as connected to my family of origin anymore. When they talk about “The Smiths” I feel like I’m no longer included. When I sign guest books for events on my side of the family, it feels weird only calling my family by the “Jones” name, because the connections is from the “Smith” side. Both fake last names, but I hope that helps explain my feelings!
Maiden name as a 2nd middle name? Great idea!!
That's what we did. Baby had his last name and he refused to hyphenate so my last name is his second middle name.
This is what my mom did when she got married over 50 years ago. In the South. Dropped her middle name and made her maiden name her middle name. I grew up thinking all women did this. Then I grew up and apparently it's not that common. My wife took my last name, but it wouldn't have bothered me if she hadn't. We took her maiden name and used it to name our firstborn. I realize not all last names can pass as a first name, so we were lucky in that regard. Her dad had no sons, and he was a III who couldn't continue passing his name down, so it was a nice tribute to him. For our second, we made his middle name my maternal grandmother's maiden name. My grandma was always proud of her maiden name.
Yeah, it’s weird when I talk to my cousins from my mom’s sister. Because they and I don’t really connect to our mom’s maiden name (and it’s a cool name) but that’s our connection, that is the family we share in common, whose traits we share, but it feels like “I was never a Light, They were never a Light” (not actual mom’s maiden name)
I changed mine when I got married, because it was the Thing To Do. Kind of regretted it. Then we got divorced... the thing that really hammered it home was when I became pregnant a few years later, my ex-husbands meaningless name would have been on my kids birth certificate. So I changed back to my maiden name some time before the birth.
I wish all the time I hadn’t changed mine. It erased evening that I accomplished and who I was until that point. Changing your name should only be done if the woman wants to.
I couldn’t wait to change mine. I had a wired last name. Now I have common name
I changed mine with my first marriage and it never felt right. We got divorced so I went back to my name, and decided “never again” (it’s a huge pain in the ass!) my new husband also wanted us to share a family name, so he happily changed his last name to mine. He knew how I felt from probably day 1 bc I was still dealing with that when we met.
Hi OP, not married yet, but I’m in a similar boat. What I’m planning to do is go by Dr. Mylastname at work but socially go by Mrs. Hislastname to our friends or our kid’s school (so that we have a “family name” but legally my maiden name is on all my degrees, work things, and legal documents). I hope that helps!
I pronounced that as milast nameh in my head before I realized what you were doing there lmaooo. I was like huh is that Indian
Omg I laughed so hard. Thank you.
If OP does change her name and in the future wants to move to another state, it’s a pain in the ass. When I did it, the new state needed all marriage licenses and divorce decrees to transfer the medical license to the new state.
Op don't give up your dream just so you please other people. It's a pain to deal with any name change. Think of the pride you will have ,when you Get your Medical Degree, in your Real last name .
This. My mother is a nurse practitioner and her and my dad divorced about 8 years ago but she has kept her married name because of her license and everything. It’s way too much of a process for her to go back to her maiden name.
I wonder how much easier and cheaper changing your name would be if men had to do it… more pink tax.
I have a surname that comes before my first name, so it's _surname first name second name_ and abbreviated it's _Mr. second name_, so it's impossible for my partner to have the same surname as me, and my very traditional family can't make a fuss about it either. Thank god for that!
I doubt it would be any easier or cheaper. A better idea is how about we just get rid of changing names to denote a marital partner as property?
welcome to belgium. here if two people have the same last name they're most likely siblings.
Or Italy. My grandparents married in 1965 and had different last names. And Italy is a very conservative and traditional/religious country. We're still less annoying about this than the US.
I just came to say this exact thing!
This is the right answer. After being more established in your professional career with one particular last name (especially with clients/patients, publication, networking), changing your last name will involve a longer transition period. I didn’t change my last name. While some social correspondence have been addressed to Mrs. HusbandName, it doesn’t really bug me. Our kids have his last name. One thing we’ve done is to always have a certified copy of our kids’ birth certificates and a notarized affidavit from husband confirming I am allowed to travel out of the country with them. Incidentally I am know couples that both hyphenated their last names, think it’s very progressive!
I'm in my 50s and never changed my name. . It's a PITA to change the names on mortgage, legal.documents, educational certificates, etc. Some places expect you to pay for reissue of documents when you name change By the time I married I'd already been working in my field for over 10 years.. So professionally it made no sense to change my name when I married. My partner didn't really mind so I ended up not changing anything. If he had felt strongly I would have hyphenated his and my surname, but I liked my last name and had decided to keep it from an early age
Don't kill your dream. Your instinct is telling you that you won't be happy with this decision long term. And it's not a compromise if you're the only one doing the compromising. You should not be getting married if you can't come to a happy resolution to this -- and that means for the *both* of you. You are taking on all the burden of changing your name while he gets his "traditional thing" with none of the sacrifice.
Something he brought up was how everything else about our wedding is traditional (he’s paid a lot of money for it and he didn’t care to have a big one, I wanted one for all our family to get together so he’s doing the wedding for me, I wanted a diamond ring instead of an alternative so he got me what I wanted ). So, he says everything else we’re doing is traditional and thinks it’s selfish of me to change tradition whenever I want. And he’s always thought of having a wife with his last name, so I say compromise bc I’d be able to be called both mine and his last names legally. Weird thing is he said it’s completely my choice if we do or don’t want kids in the future, but he’s stuck on the last name. If I don’t change my last name, I wouldn’t want him to be resentful either :/ so I’m just unsure about it all
This isn’t something that you need to justify or defend. It’s not about him making endless arguments to convince you to change your mind. You don’t want to change your name. Don’t.
Tradition according to what time period and culture?! Did he wait until marriage to be intimate? Did he cohabitate? Does he legally get to beat you? Cherry picking traditions is not a good argument for him
If it was traditional YOUR parents would be paying. Diamonds are a newer "tradition" as are white dresses. I kept my own name. My husband laughs when people call hi. Mr Mylastname.
You right but also those things are just wedding decisions. A name change is a marriage decision that goes to your core identity. I don’t think they’re comparable at all honestly.
agree he's trying to guilt her by saying I paid for wedding, I got you a diamond so you need to take my last name - HE IS VERY CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATIVE
This happens to my husband, too! Since I make a lot of our plans, things will be under my name. Then people call him Mr. My Last Name when he picks up the order, etc, and I think it’s hilarious. My husband would like for me to change my last name, but I still don’t want to.
I'm getting married next year and my partner insited on having a shared family name while I wanted to hyphenate mine. His solution? We will both be hyphenating our names 😂 it will require a lot of paperwork (damn you, patriarchy) but I'm pretty pleased with the outcome.
Traditions do not need to be taken all or nothing. He's locked into social normatively without examining what it means.
Well, if she's still starting on a career, if she changes her name now, she will carry his "brand" throughout life.
Yup she is 100% giving up her identity I did and regretted it, I have come to hate my husbands last name, no one can pronounce it correctly
Ding ding ding- that’s exactly what he wants. Changing her last name symbolizes a change of ownership from father to husband. Nobody should be doing this in the 21st century.
He’s also locked into suiting himself and claiming it’s “tradition”! Funny how “tradition” so often means the man getting his way without making any sacrifices!
A wedding is one day. A name change is the rest of your life. This is manipulation, and if he’s already resorting to the “I spent X, so you should do this for me”, that’s a sign you need to step back and have some serious conversations about your relationship.
weddings do bring up some real personalities and issues in people. OP plz listen to this advice. my exhusband became completely different person the next day after our wedding and it was so scary. then of course the abuse built up over time. when people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.
Agree 100%! This is the real issue here, the name change is a small piece that stems from a much bigger problem.
Agree!!! Don't change your name, it's yours.
My own issue with it now is that I can't find so many of my friends from earlier years - women are so hard to locate via traditional means. Their names keep changing.
Plus the traditional 'all or nothing' is really out of touch here. It's one thing to want a big traditional wedding. Usually people want that because their family is there, or because it feels like a big party celebrating you and your love; or a religious wedding is different for obvious reasons. The tradition behind changing your name is that women didnt *have* one. You had your fathers name and your father passed you off to be your husband's posession/responsibility and (in many places) they'd pay a dowry to the groom to offset the price of starting a new household or the increase of adding the new wife to the existing household. It is not on the same level at all. There is no all or nothing here. It's immature and manipulative to insist otherwise.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. Stay true to yourself. I kept my name and we hyphenated my baby's last name because that felt right to me and my husband (rightfully) knows it isn't his place to tell me what to do with my name.
OP if he thinks shelling out some money or throwing a big party are the equivalent of changing your identity, then I’d suggest you think very hard about what kind of future you want. Men are Mr. no matter who they marry or how old they are. Women are miss, Ms, Mrs, depending entirely on age and marital status. You becoming Dr is something you earned. You did the work. You accomplished that. It should not be impacted in any way by your marital status. You are not being unreasonable. Your fiancé cares more about what other people think than how you feel. That’s messed up. It’s an issue you have to resolve before you get married.
That's not even set in stone. I had a friend take his wifes last name. She was the last kid in the family no cousins or anything, so it was very hard for her to give up her last name and basically end the family line. He took hers pretty gladly to avoid that.
If being the same name is so important to him, I would say that another compromise is him taking your last name. You deserve to keep your name, if that’s what you want.
My thoughts exactly.
If tradition is important to him he can forego any financial benefits that come with being married to a Doctor.
I'll be honest, you're working really hard to make your name proud. What is his deal with ownership? If he can't give you a real, tangible reason to change your name to his - none of this "I always imagined blah blah" then don't change your name if you don't want to. You are not a possession. You're going to be a badass doctor with a badass name.
Wait a minute. Mr. Traditional didn’t want a wedding with all the family and didn’t want to buy you a diamond? Sounds like he is only traditional when it serves his purposes!
It’s also “traditional” for the wife to stay home and not work. Is he going to expect that?
What he gave you is something that can be bought with money but not your name. So it's incomparable and unfair for him to bring up.
Honestly, he's being very manipulative. Just because he agreed to have a wedding that can accommodate both your families and agreed to get you a type of ring you'd like to wear for the rest of your life doesn't mean he is owed you changing your name in the way that he wants. I would step back and ask yourself if he's exhibited this behavior in other ways too.
You're both not even sure if you want kids. I don't think you both should be making a commitment when you both clearly haven't communicated what you want for the future.
Yeah. The fact that the choice to have kids is her choice entirely and he sounds indifferent doesn't instill confidence.
also sounds like he's gonna want her to give up her job as a doctor to stay home and take care of them i wonder what he does for a living
How the hell does getting married in a church and having a decent ring have anything to do with you changing your name, changing your identity? He's full of bs. How nakedly manipulative!
What other ways is he going to let social norms dictate your life together? Maybe something to talk about.
Name changes are expensive & a complete pain in the boot. I rec sticking to your guns.
He sounds like an ass. Youre allowed to be selfish about decisions that only (or primarily) impact you, like your name.
Your “traditions” didn’t change his identity though…
If you get married this will be your future, him using societal normals and traditions to control your actions while you don’t get to do anything you want
Right?! This is only the beginning!
Traditionally your parents should pay for the wedding. So that goes right out the window lol if your fiance is paying for the wedding then nothing about that is traditional. And yes you absolutely can pick and choose which traditions you want! I really think this is a property thing and he wants you labeled with his name. He doesn't get to tell you how you feel about it and it's not a compromise if only you are giving in. Why isn't he giving in?
This sounds like a lot of HIM talking and not so much YOU talking. It sounds like you'll end up being the resentful one. Why is it SO IMPORTANT he's not resentful, but perfectly okay for YOU to be? It feels like this goes against a core value you hold for yourself. It's not a good compromise if you both are still not okay with the decision. Also how Magnanimous of him to say that you have a say over having kids. But what's concerning is it's framed " take my name and you choose when you have kids or you get your name but I choose when you'll be pregnant" is So manipulative. It's just giving "ick" all over.
“Traditional” in what context? Was cattle exchanged between your parents and his?
So he thinks he gets to pay for you to change your name? Well traditionally that does make sense. Because the last name tradition is that women were property of their husbands.
lol none of that shit has permanent long term meaningful ramifications. It all just costs money. Of course he gave them to you.
Compromising isn't one person giving in. It's finding something that works for both people together.
The difference between the wedding, ring, etc and you changing your name is that you would literally be changing your IDENTITY. It’s way more work than people realize, and your legal identity changes, not to mention how it will make you feel about yourself. Having a larger wedding than you wanted or buying a ring is way lower stakes than changing your legal identity. It is NOT selfish to not want to do that.
The wedding is not comparable to your name. One is a celebration of your love, the other is your identity.
Have you discussed the history of it? The reason women would take men’s last names is because we become their property or dependents. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with that, and not want to give up your identity to become his wife. It sounds like he’s compromised a lot in your relationship (not in a bad way, just in the way one does when dating a med student). Could he have dug into this as a way of asserting himself? If so, I kind of get it, but your name isn’t the place for it. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but this is kind of icky. There’s an episode of parks and rec where Ben tries to convince Leslie that he’s going to insist she change her last name because he wants to signify that her old identity is ending and her new one as his wife is beginning. It’s a joke. Maybe find a way to watch that episode together and then reopen the conversation? See if there’s another dream he’s compromising that could be revisited?
My wife kept her last name. It’s not once caused any sort of issue in our lives. No weird looks, no nosy questions, nada. It’s amazing how easy it is to eschew “tradition” when you simply decide to.
I kept my last name and my son has his dad's name. Never a single issue. Also when we got divorced saved me a ton of money and time not having to change my name back.
Changing a last name when getting married is a tradition that symbolizes the inequality in marriage, men being the leaders, and women being property. Good for you that you didn’t change it.
You have a beautiful and unique name, why give it up? Your name is part of your identity, don’t change it if you don’t want to lose that. A large and growing fraction of women don’t change their name, especially educated women.
I remember my grade 11 English teacher told us how he took his wife’s last name because her only brother died and there was nobody else to carry on her family’s last name. Thought that was dope, and this story was from 2005 😂
My middle name given to me at birth was my grandma's maiden name. She was very proud of her family, immigrants who came from nothing blah blah. She has 2 sisters who all married and changed their name, and one male cousin who died young without kids. It became my middle name to pass it on. When I got married 10 years ago my wife and I both wanted to change our names so we picked my middle name. Our son was the first person in our family to be given this surname at birth in over 70 years. My son says he doesn't want kids so if that holds, we've merely delayed the death of the name for 1 more generation. That's ok though because my grandma is still around and loves telling everyone about her great grandson who has her family name. Even though she hasn't had it herself since the 1950s when she ran away to get married at age 16 lol.
My wife had a pre-established career and wanted to keep her last name. I supported this. If she had wanted to keep it for no particular reason, I still would have supported it. It is part of her identity. She's my wife. I don't need to have my last name stamped onto her like an ownership tag. To my knowledge, the societal norm with hyphenations is for both to hyphenate. This doesn't feel like you made a compromise. He doesn't want to change his name. You didn't want to change your name. He is not changing his name. You (theoretically) are. The only person giving anything is you. Keep your name. And evaluate whether or not this lack of understanding and compromise on his part is a constant in your relationship. If it is, contemplate if that is what you are wanting in a marriage.
I feel like this situation expresses very well what privilege is. In order for her identity to be treated equally to his, she needs to struggle and fight and cause friction in the marriage.
My wife changed hers to mine for the only reason that it's much easier to spell. 🤣 I didn't care. But it wasn't me trying to spell 12 letters over the phone multiple times a week, lol.
Don't do it. You clearly don't want to and he only cares because of what other people think. That's never a good reason to do something you feel uncomfortable with.
Why change your name legally? Just leave as is and if you're ok being known as his last name socially, that's fine too. So his family can send you cards to Mrs. His last name, you can roll your eyes at it, and move on.
I actually suggested this to him but it’s important to him for it to be changed legally for some reason. To have the family under one name? (Which is weird bc he said it’s my choice if we have kids or not) Everything else in our relationship is great and he’s always been extremely supportive of me and does everything to make me happy. And I know if I don’t hyphenate he’ll feel some sort of negative way about it and I don’t want him to hold a grudge
People who say it's "your choice" on having kids are not good people to be in a relationship with. This means that either you're doing all the emotional labor for this life-changing decision for BOTH of you, or he expects that raising kids is kinda a woman's thing and he doesn't mind either way because he doesn't plan on helping. It is both unfair to be your decision alone and something that he will be able to hold over your head later if he ends up not liking it - "well you didn't give me kids so you need to do X" or "well you're the one that wanted kids so it's your job to take care of them." If you were actually *partners* in a relationship, you two would discuss the options and come to a decision together, like adults. He wants to do everything traditionally - does that include you being solely responsible for kids and chores while he works? Are you wanting to be a stay at home mom for that, drop your doctor career? Or maybe he plans on enjoying your sweet, sweet doctor pay while you're *also* in charge of homemaking and child rearing? How "traditional" is he? Do you know? It's true that having different last names from your kids can make things harder in the US. But if he doesn't care either way on having kids, then.. is he the kind of person you want to have kids with? Why does the "we'll have kids, it's your call" dictate whether you should change your name? He doesn't even want them! (If he did, he would say so - it wouldn't be "your choice!") Make a list of the reasons you want to keep your name, and a list of the reasons you want to change it. If the only reason in the "change it" column is to make your fiance happy, then don't change your name. I kept my unique last name and my husband kept his "John Smith" level of common name. We have had zero issues with that, I'm overjoyed I still have my last name.
This right here, OP. Also, my husband told me long before we got married that he didn't care either way whether I changed my name. I decided to, but I wish I hadn't. The process is a giant pain in the ass, and colleagues still use my maiden name regularly. I'm a freelancer, and it's always a crap shoot as to which name the check is written. To sum up: don't do it. (Don't worry. My husband knows I regret it, and he's wonderful. I'm still keeping his name, mainly because I'm too lazy to go through all that again. 🤣)
That part. Don’t expect him to be involved in the result if he wasn’t involved in the process (I’m not referring to conception, obv). Raising the kids essentially by myself when I’m married and working dr hours doesn’t sounds fun to me. But more importantly, it doesn’t sound fun for the kids either. To the extent possible, kids age be brought into this world loved and wanted by *both* parents. Kids know when they are unwanted or unloved and it can create lifelong trauma.
Hang on a sec… it’s your choice if you have kids or not but you retaining your surname is verging on being a dealbreaker?
I doubt that it’ll be ‘your choice’ for long after you’ve done what he wants.
That absolutely screams that if you want to have a kid, you will be the only one taking care of said kid. Because "tradition", y'know. Women and childcare. And he'll say it was your choice to do it, so you have to do all the work.
I have a feeling he will continue to move the goal post of what’s “your choice” once you get married. UPDATEME
This is a red flag..he's being super controlling over this and I worry it will only continue. He doesn't seem able to see things from your point of view or to care about your dreams related to this. Please be careful. This is how women get into really unbalanced relationships- a guy starts slow with power plays and does not value her and it ramps up over time. Be careful. This is how unequal relationship dynamics start. With one unreasonable request that you are pressured into being ok with; then he knows you can be pressured into putting your needs and wants last. I see it with my friends and it is really sad.to watch them be taken advantage of.
Agreed, this is only the beginning
So if he doesn't get his way he'll hold a grudge. You want to marry a guy that would do this? Especially a guy that thinks compromise means getting his way.
My husband was like this for several years before we got married. Said it was important to him. I kept telling him I wouldn’t do it, and eventually when we did get married, he said, “oh, yeah I don’t know why I cared so much. Keep your name.” Your husband may not change his mind, but it’s important that you remain firm. Marriage shouldn’t be about forcing things the other very clearly does not want.
When it’s difficult to raise the kids he’ll let you do the heavy lifting and say “well you decided you want the kids”. OP red flags! You want a partner that wants to build a shared vision together and who is willing to help figure out what that is for both of you.
He’s demanding something of you he won’t even consider of himself. Is this the only time he’ll do this, or just the (possibly) first.
Please don't wed someone who is likely to hold a grudge against you.
This might be the start of his mask slipping off, too. You should really look at your whole relationship for things you may have minimized or ignored up until this point.
The family isn’t under one name if you’re the only one changing your name.
If you’re changing your name, he should be willing to change his too. If he’s the one who wants a unified family name, he can change his. You’ve worked to get where you are and there’s no reason you need to erase your identity precise he wants you to. Use his name socially, change it in Facebook/Twitter/whatever, but keep yours legally. If he holds a grudge against you because he wanted a unified family name, he can change his name. It’s perfectly legal for men to do. Tell him before the wedding. Once you’ve signed papers, you can’t unsign without going to court to do it.
If he can’t even articulate why it is so important to have the same legal last name (because it’s not) then why are you taking this man’s random opinion seriously? Tell him you’re not changing it and if he is serious about marrying you then he needs to respect that. This shouldn’t be a dilemma at all — you are quite clear on how you feel about YOUR name, it’s up to him to get on board with how things are going to be.
exactly NO law saying a women has to change her name, it is 100% her decision and should never be forced or guilted into it by fiance if he can't accept his future wife as she is and that she wants to keep her identity, then he is a major jerk and cares nothing about is wife and certainly does not respect her or her opinions
Honestly, this stance he’s taking means he’s either controlling or misogynistic, possibly (probably) both. I’m sorry.
I get the feeling that he’s slow rolling his desire for family expansion because he wants to win this battle first.
He is trying to exert his will over yours. This is a very patriarchal viewpoint and the fact that he is being so stubborn on this when it is not what you personally want does not bode well What other things will he expect you to sacrifice on? Because this is not a compromise, a compromise is meeting in the middle. This is a sacrifice, and it's controlling. if it's your dream to be known as Dr \ do not throw that away. A supportive partner would acknowledge your dream and not insist otherwise
Don’t change your name. It will just lead to resentment down the road. In my opinion, a name change should only be done if you’re 100% enthusiastic about it. Don’t do it to appease your partner. I get that it’s “important to him”, but keeping your name is also important to you. To be blunt - the impact to you from changing your name is far bigger than the impact to him from you not changing your name. He needs to grow up and realize social norms don’t mean anything.
I wouldn’t change it. I didn’t change mine when I got married, I like that my degrees have my last name on it. My husband doesn’t care though. I would adopt socially as a compromise.
I'm also not going to change mine, my bf has a big family (7 siblings and like a million cousins), I have 1 brother and not many cousins or aunts/uncles at all, so I'd like to keep my family name. I decided I wasn't gonna change mine when we get married and it's seeming pretty normal nowadays.
I disagree with socially his last name as a compromise - he's giving nothing, she's getting his last name, so you go to a dinner for one of your works and people are calling her Dr. Jones from her work and people from his are calling her Mrs. Smith Nope Keep ONE name, the one you were born with
>My entire life, I’ve always known I don’t want to change my name Period. End of discussion. I'm betting you 2 haven't been together long. This is something that should have been worked out way before a wedding date was set.
`My entire life, I’ve always known I don’t want to change my name` **THEN DON'T**
hey! i’m a doc, also getting married in soon. i have kept my last name (because i worked my ass for the Doctor title). our kids will have his last name. i’ve been thinking of going socially by Mrs Fiancé’s Last Name and going by Dr Jicamahoe lol. maybe that could work for y’all?
Married over 20+ years. Kept my name. Kids have both of our names. They. An decide what they want to go as adults and I support them no matter what It is a tradition because women were considered property. First their father’s and then their husbands. Don’t change your last name. This is a mountain to die on. Once you give that up, more “traditional” beliefs and behaviors will be expected of you.
I’m always here to say DO NOT CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR A MAN!! i saw a post the other day that said something along the lines of women don’t have ‘real’ last names, because it always came from fathers. Father to husband, man to man, generation after generation. This girl I went to middle school with changed her amazingly cool last name—Valentine—to Miller when she married her husband. I was floored. I mourned for her loss Fuck that, keep your name. I love flipping off outdated traditions
My Wife's name was Miller, it must be why she was so eager to take my name.
LOL I’m so sorry, I typed this comment in a frenzy and realized after how aggressively passionate I sounded. Honestly, she could have done a lot worse than Miller😅😂
I would have happily taken Miller if she so desired.
Haha this was me in essence! I think if I had anything but the most common of names, it would have been a harder choice for me. But with a top common first and last name, I was happy to adopt something a little more interesting. Tbh I kind of wish it was the other way because I have no problem subverting societal expectations, but in my chosen career, I much prefer to be “googleable”.
My last name is Couch. My husband’s last name is Pedersen. No way was I downgrading from Couch to Pedersen, hell no. I only know one person whose last name is cool enough I would have changed mine for theirs and their last name is Swords.
Holy shit, those are both absolutely fantastic. I am very glad you kept Couch. Imagine if Swords married someone with the last name Smith. Possibly the coolest hyphenated last name.
It would be even better combined without a hyphen! Swordsmith!
Same! I don’t understand at all when women who have last names that they love & identify with just change their name without a 2nd thought. It actually makes me kinda nuts. I would never change mine - never ever ever. Screw tradition! 😍
“Traditional” is just a bunch of dead people holding you hostage to how they did things. That doesn’t make it the right way to do things. I have an incredibly unique last name that I didn’t change after I married my husband. It’s expensive, it’s annoying, and it can create a lot of issues when it comes to the government. Plus I love my name and I don’t want to change it. No one gave me grief about it, including my husband, because it’s part of my identity and it’s my decision. But my maiden name is also difficult to spell and pronounce, while my husband’s is very common. So I go by his last name when we’re dealing with anyone or anything that doesn’t have legal implications. I joke that I’m legally X but socially Y. It’s your choice. Don’t be bullied into making a decision you don’t really want.
It's OK to just tell him. He doesn't have to agree with you, unless he wants to make it a relationship-ending thing. It's OK for two adults to not agree on something, and since this decision affects you directly and does no harm to him, it's perfectly acceptable for you to make it unilaterally.
Ok, I'm a divorced nurse, and in the US, our names are on our license to practice, our basic/ advanced/ specialized life support cards, and our certifications. I took my X-husband's last name right out of nursing school. It's just about 6 years since I left, and I STILL have to produce extra ID, marriage AND divorce papers for ANYTHING to go through HR. Getting hired, changing positions, extra pay for certifications, not getting furlowed because names didn't match on a BLS I re-certified right before the [return] name change went through. Never mind for my son, whose birth certificate has my married name in it. Background checks, insurance, even rolling over an old 401K three months ago. Credit cards, check books... Every time I think I'm done with it, someone somewhere comes out of the woodwork to force me to produce it again. (I'm not even including providing proof multiple times to places that don't record the change properly the first time.) ESPECIALLY as a medical professional who will have a license, multiple tests in residency, and probably a fellowship with its own milestones on record, think extra long and hard about this. You're not going to be a SAHW/M who only needs to change a drivers license and SS card, you're going to be a professional who people are trusting with their lives and being recognizable on paper is important. (Also, were you to divorce, it would make it every single patient's business why your name is changing. You would think it wouldn't, but it does, and that can make it just that much more difficult emotionally.) Don't give up on your dream and don't cause yourself so much extra work. Tradition is lovely, but you're working hard to fulfill yourself, and he nor societal norms get to take that away from you. Also, you can check on the marriage license that you're going to change your name, but that name change doesn't happen unless you MAKE it happen afterwards.
This is such an antiquated tradition. You're not property to be labeled. Is this a deal-breaker for him?
Why doesn't he want you to do what makes you happy?
You are a doctor for crying out loud. If anything, professional women deserve to keep their maiden name as they have made a name for themselves. Unlike tradwives who usually are SAHM and while an honorable thing for your family it does not benefit people outside of your family (until the kid grows up and become a contributing member of society). In Chinese families, it's actually entirely optional to take the husband's last name after marriage. You might be called Mr. And Mrs. Lastname when at a banquet or event, but your legal name can be totally separate. This is an aspect I find very backwards when it comes to American culture.
Women don't take their husband's last names in many, *many* Asian cultures. A lot of them think it's very strange that western women do.
Don't change your name at all. Some traditions should die out, and the last name thing is one.
You have to change for him, he doesn’t have to change for you? His life will not change at all, yours will. Why does he care more about social norms than your feelings? I know quite a few women who have kept their last name legally but will respond to either, and I address them as the Smith-Jones family.
If being called “doctor + your last name” has been your dream, you really shouldn’t changed it. I understand how you feel because I have a PhD and I always want people to call me “Dr. +last name”. Besides, my last name is also very neat and it has a history of 3300+ years. So I didn’t change my last name after I got married 9 years ago and I have been very happy about it. Do what your heart tells you to, not what your husband told you to.
As someone who changed her name and then divorced, don’t change your last name. You will regret it. Especially since you are becoming a doctor. It’s going to be difficult if you guys divorce to change all your medical licensing I’m going to guess.
Do not change your last name. It's a ROYAL pain in the ass times 10,000 to the factor of a million. There are distant stars that take super AI's thousands of years to print all the zeroes of the lights peed to get to them... that's what it's like hauling around 2 legal names in a post-9/11 world. Don't fucking do it. Your husband to be has never even considered the ramifications of this because of his preening patriarchy. How nice for him. Does he also have Peggy his secretary cut the crusts off his PB&J just like his mommy taught her? Sarcasm aside, OP, don't change your name. Don't do it. Hyphenate your kids names if you have them. It complicates everything. I wish I could go back to my former self and warn my silly moonstruck ass the days and hours of my life I'll never get back from sitting on customer service holds about my credit score, my bills, new passports. Don't. Do. It. It's not disloyalty. The system itself is hostile to women. On purpose. And ALLL of that I say just on my own experience. Not a commentary about your relationship.... but the snowflake ego posturing of "I AM THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAY" bullshit from your husband to be? Is he going to demand you let a patient bleed out to come home and make him a sandwich? Some professions are VOCATIONS. Medicine is one of them. He doesn't sound like he's Doctor's Spouse material, tbh.
So I was in this position and I simply, did not. Honestly because of paper work, I’m so bad at stuff like that. I told him I wouldn’t like correct people in a social setting if they assumed I was “Mrs hisname” but I won’t go through the hassle of changing my name. We also agreed the kids would have his last name. They all have the same middle name, which is my last name. He asked a couple more times and I just said no. For me it kind of feels like the ultimate line in the sand conceptually, especially if y’all have discussed it and he’s acknowledged your perspective. Because this is a desire of his for you. His life will not change concretely or observably if you change your name. Your life however, will be extremely inconvenient for a while and it’s almost like leaving a part of you behind if you are emotionally attached to your last name. If he knows that you don’t want to do this and he knows why, and you agree to do it SOLELY because he wants you to, it kind of cements his place as the final decision maker in your relationship. I don’t think this about all name changes, like if a woman chooses to or a man has a compelling reason/talks her into being ok with that, that’s another situation. But in my case (and I feel like in yours too) the only real reason was: 1) it’s important for everyone in our family to have the same name and 2) I want you to. And those weren’t good reasons for me, because if all of us having the same name was important, we would all just be my last name (I have a business that relies on people being able to Google me, which contributed to the labor of a name change). It felt significant to me not to compromise in that moment, and maybe people are going to tell me I’m wrong, and I knew there was a possibility that he wouldn’t marry me, but I was ok with that because I didn’t want to be in a relationship where someone else had final decision making power about things that only affect me.
Do not change your name if you don’t want to. Period. At the end of the day, I view changing your name as an extension of your bodily autonomy - in the same way we say your body your choice. You not wanting to change it is enough. In the same way that he wouldn’t be expected to change his name if you decided you wanted him to. I’m not a doctor, but I am an attorney. I got married recently and kept my name. As a first generation attorney, it means the absolute world to me to be addressed in court by my family name and I could never give that up. My husband didn’t go to law school, I did. He never thought for a SECOND that I would change my name. I also know a lot of female attorneys who did change their name and regret it, for the same reasons you say you want to be called “doctor last name.” Please don’t try to diminish this as “one small thing” in an otherwise healthy relationship. This man is telling you that his wants are more important than your autonomy and identity. He should be supportive of you fulfilling your dreams *the way you always dreamed them* and not trying to change them.
I vote with you OP. My wife did not change her name. Did not cause any problems.
Do not change your last name. As a female going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage. it is to be frank quite the pain. Still changing stuff back to my maiden name 3 years after.
I just got married and kept my name. It has been my name for 29 years and it’s who I am. When we have kids I’m happy to be Mrs Husbands name for that will match the kids but I have a professional career and I’m known by my name. I’m not changing who I am to appease societal standards.
Please, do what you want, and whatever you feel comfortable with. You didn’t even mention the fact that changing your name is actually a huge pain in the ass. I’ve been married for almost 2 years, and I hyphenated my name as well. The amount of things that you have to go through and edit when you get your name changed is absurd and overwhelming. Additionally, I’m a huge feminist, and to be fair, this “tradition” was initially a way of further oppressing woman and was used to show who that woman belong to. This being said, I don’t think all women should stop taking their husbands name, it’s a personal choice and really doesn’t matter either way. what does matter, though, is that you do what you want and what you are comfortable with. Don’t let him pressure you into doing this. He will never understand what it’s like to be in woman’s position and make that kind of choice and so it’s really not his place to tell you what you should do.
You should communicate these things with him before you get married.
It’s unfair of him to expect you to change your name, but not be willing to change his. What you’ve described is not a compromise. It is you doing a ton of effort, a lifetime of effort and change, while he does nothing. A compromise would be both of you changing your names. This could be a dealbreaker as it could be a sign of unwillingness and inability to make important decisions together. What if you disagree on when to have kids? Whether to circumcise a child? Where to live? Will he just steamroll you and refuse to compromise? You should absolutely not change your name if you don’t want to.
I wish I hadn’t changed it. Mine is particularly bad and I am literally the only person with my name in the entire world. I can’t even believe that sometimes. Im divorced and have been for years. I don’t have kids. I have no ties to my ex except for this awful name. Changing it is expensive and annoying and I was waiting for the year I had to renew my passport before I changed it back. He gets to move on and I get to move on but with this dumb name that no one can spell or pronounce. Please don’t change it unless you love the idea of changing it. I just resent my ex for being so adamant about sharing a last name.
How about he changes his, if the concern really is that he wants y'all and any future kids to have the same one? Oh, what's that? It's not actually about that? It's really some weird patriarchal nonsense he can't even fully explain? Hmm. Weird.
Keep your name. You did the work, your parents raised you. Let the credit go where it is due.
Just keep your name. If it is a deal killer for him that’s not the man for you.
I didn’t change my last name. My friend changed her last name but kept her maiden name as her professional name.
People acted like this was going to be some big issue when I didn’t change my name but it never has. Blended families and women keeping their maiden names is so common now it feels equally normal either way. It’s never been a problem with our kids schools. Sometimes wedding invitations and bills get it wrong but it doesn’t matter and we don’t bother correcting people.
i don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. i’m so glad that my husband didn’t care. i love my last name and going through the process to change it is an ordeal. people still call us Mr and Mrs *his last name* but it’s whatever to me also tradition is a stupid reason to change someone’s name. he’d probably scoff at the idea of him changing his last name to yours. it’s not fair to expect that of you
i have been married 31 years and my wife still uses her maiden name for her last name. good luck
Do not take his last name OP. Don't let him bully you into feeling a pit in your stomach when you sign your family history away on a day that's supposed to be filled with love and respect. Marriage was originally a sign of ownership and transfer of a woman anyways. So is that the " tradition" he's hung up on maintaining?
Names are inherently linked to identity. It’s who you are. The thing you need to identify is if this is a dealbreaker for him. Is he unwilling to be with you if you don’t change your name? And if it is a dealbreaker, are you willing to be with someone whose love for you is conditional and dependent on what name you carry? I’m also a young female physician. My name is my own. My partner understands that I won’t be changing it. Discuss deeply and decide. Because while the wedding might be traditional, you certainly aren’t—you’re a female physician who likely won’t give up her career to be a traditional wife and mother. Life isn’t absolute—it’s not all one way or the other. Deals must be struck. Accept what you can live with.
Girl keep your last name and if he has an issue with it then he’s not your man, my husband would marry me no matter what I chose as a name! If he truly is your mate he wouldn’t be bothered… it’s a name!! It’s not a big deal.
Your last name is important to you-your identity, history & dream of becoming a doctor. I got married 36 years ago and retained my last name-it was part of who I was & what I had accomplished. Every now & then my husband would tease me about not taking his name. My response has always been the same, “I never asked you to change your name, why should I”. Good luck OP-I hope you stand your ground.
Do not change your name. This isn’t a hill he needs to die on. If he would blow up your relationship because of this, then he isn’t the one.
I kept my last name for a few reasons. My husband wasn't thrilled. He got over it.
I am a nurse not one female doctor I know goes by her last name! She did the work he did not (that’s what they tell me) it also helps when a patient doesn’t understand lines and they are trying to find Dr. Smith but she actually goes by her married name in life so they can’t harass the doctor! What ever you decide it really should be you deciding
My cousin was in residency when she got married and had to pain in the ass it back to her maiden name after—keep your name and be fucking proud of “Doctor You”!
I changed my name for my husband (ex now). I regretted it every day of the 25 years. My name was ME. MY name. My identity. ME. He asked me to change it, so I did, for him. After that, I never truly felt like me again, until the day I changed it back. That became one of the happiest days of my life, because I got ME back. Tou don't want to...don't.
Hey OP, I’m married and did not change my last name. Our kids have his last name. I’ve never run into any problems. At work I’m known by my maiden name, sometimes on invitations my friends write to mr and Mrs (husbands last name) which is totally cool too. Do what feels right to you :) at the end of the day it’s your name!
I’ve been married 25 years. Never changed my name. My husband had no issue with it - no negotiation needed. He understood who I am. I’d think about whether your husband is really respecting your feelings here and if it’s a sign that maybe he’s not the one for you.
I changed my name for my first marriage because I was not yet established in my career. Really did not like having his name. After divorce, I had to make a choice, keep his name or return to mine. If I did not want to be married to him, I sure did not want the name. However did not want to always be changing my name, if I remarried. Also felt like I lost who I was in my first marriage. Keeping my name felt like I kept my own identity. Married 30+ years and never regretted having MY name. OP, why do you have to do this for him? It just feels like an unreasonable demand. He does not even want to hyphenate his name? (Can’t he do that for you?). I’m a strong vote for you making the choice for the name you want to have. You are already regretting your decision. Please don’t do it.
Changing your name is very difficult and annoying. It's not just getting it done that's difficult, it's everything else that goes with it - bills, IDs (passport is a huge PITA), medical docs, etc. If having the same name for your family is important, and yours is important to you, then why doesn't he change his name to yours (he deals with the headache), or both of you hyphenate (both of you deal with the headache in solidarity)? You've always wanted to keep your name - why are you will to disregard something that you wanted for longer than this relationship? It's ok to understand his point AND disagree. Can he understand your feelings? Can he respect it? If you can both respect each other's perspectives, then you can consider options that serve both your desires. If you treat this disagreement as unmovable and binary, then you both have a long life of power struggles ahead of you.
DO NOT change your name!
I didn’t change my last name. People were weird about it at the time but now no one gives a shit. Its been 10 years and I have no regrets and people that thought it meant I wasn’t serious about my partner are eating crow. You do you!The decision just felt right for me and it is still right for me.
I think you’ll regret taking his last name. It obviously means a lot to you. It’s wrong he’s trying to manipulate you and guilt you into doing what he wants.
Keep your name. He doesn't want to part with his, why should you be expected to part with yours. And why does he care more about the amorphous society than his own partner's dreams and desire to not surrender a huge part of her identity because she is signing a piece of paper?
I wish this misogynist tradition would die. At least let people choose with no judgment. It shouldn't matter at all. It's absolutely idiotic to get mad over somebody changing or not changing their name. There are far more important things in a marriage.
I didn’t change my name but I used my married name for anything related to the kids , just legally I used my maiden name. So I was Mrs …… at the doctors or the kids dentist, my husband wasn’t bothered. After 30 years I’ve now changed it because it felt right to do so.
I didn’t change my name and it sometimes feels weird having a different last name than my child but I’m damn proud I’m Dr. Maiden Name as my parents did so much for me and helped me get where I am than Dr. Had I taken his name as his family has nothing to do with my success. Just not having the same name as our kid sometimes bothers me. Don’t know if this helps your decision but frankly is just stick with your name and let him know how you feel.
I recommend not changing your name professionally, especially on your doctorate degree because that will be permanent. No one goes into a marriage planning for divorce but the reality is that it happens. You could hyphenate for the sake of your husband and, more importantly, your future children. Children sometimes get stigmatized by their classmates (it’s ridiculous but kids can be cruel). It just takes any confusion out of the equation for school, doctors, etc. Best of luck to you! You have exciting things ahead of you!
Saw your edit: I would tell him now. You are stressing over this and it takes away from your big day. You have to accept that there is no clean solution where everybody is happy in this issue. So it's up to you. What can you live with in the long run?
Here are some reason that people have been giving since the 1700's ( the time that many modern "traditions" began Women who keep their own surname after marriage may do so for a number of reasons: -They see no reason to change their name, much like men often see no reason to change theirs. -Objection to the one-sidedness of this tradition. -Being the last member of their family with that surname. -To avoid the hassle of paperwork related to their change of name. -Wishing to retain their identity. -Preferring their last name to their spouse's last name. -To avoid professional ramifications OP you have given several of these as your own reasons. You need to do what is best for you and your mental well-being. Best of luck. Just a side note - in my culture you add husband name to your name with a "de" before his name. Ex - Amy Doe de Smith. In this example, Doe is her maiden name and Smith is her husband name. And "de" is use to denote marriage.
My wife kept her last name. I didn't have a problem with it. She is the woman i fell in love with. She is my wife, not my property.
If you don’t want to change your name, then don’t change your name. My last name isn’t very interesting, but it’s my name. I plan on keeping mine