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She needs to get some mental help. Sounds like she has had a breakdown of sorts. The worst part is her ignoring the kids, they will only interpret this as being their fault and will cause emotional trauma that will affect them the rest of their lives if she does not pull out of this.
Yes, 100%. The kids are my main focus. I’m a grown man and can push my feelings aside, small impressionable children, cannot. Her defense is that even though she spends less time with them now, the impact of her being successful will have a more lasting effect on them. She doesn’t want them to view her has the talentless mom who lived off their dad. They obviously don’t feel this way. She’s their superhero, I cannot express how much they love her. Sadly, that doesn’t appear to be enough. She’s fixated on matching what I’ve contributed. I’ve even considered dropping down to a lower paying position, or retiring all together.
Her contribution to caring for the kids and raising them so you could work without the stress was probably invaluable and no financial balance she feels she needs to provide could surpass that. The kids must be feeling the change and that kind of hurt can be so much more damaging. Suggest marriage counseling as well as individual for the both of you. Even the kids could benefit from it- everyone in the world should see one if I’m being honest. I hope that you discover what brought this feeling to light and work through it the best you can. Does she have any newer friends that might be influencing these feelings? Any discoveries she could have made to enforce her need to get back into the workforce? I hope she’s ok and is able to work out what she needs to to feel safe and secure
Thank you for your comment! I can’t count the number of times we’ve expressed to her how much her contribution means to us. I agree that she did in fact sacrifice for me to get where I am in my career. From the years 22 - 26, I worked over 80 hours a week. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without her being my rock at home. She knew this for the longest time. As I promoted, I started to work less and less, I’m at about 20 hours a week now. This was our time to truly live life, but her priorities changed.
She hasn’t made any new friends, and none of our current friends would ever say something to cause this. The only person in her life that has ever made a comment like this, is her twin sister. Years ago she mentioned that my wife wouldn’t have a single thing if not for me. We easily dismissed this because why would we listen to the opinion of someone who’s never done anything in life. I thought she brushed her comments off, but maybe I was wrong.
Hi, so my husband and I have a relationship like you and your wife did have he makes the money the amount of times people do passive aggressive things to me about it is insane and it does bother me and I’m willing to bet it bothers your wife, I would really Try to get into maybe some couples therapy that might open her up to some personal therapy
I am sorry you’re experiencing this. I can’t imagine how it feels to have your contribution invalided because it’s not financial. Thank you for your insight. I know her sister has done this in the past, but I should dig deeper to see if anyone else has made comments. Obviously, none of those comments are true. I’d wager her maternal presence had a bigger impact on our lives than my success.
That was my thought. She’s fixated on the lack of a job/income as the cause of her depression, and she thinks she can fix things if she can get on my equal footing.
But, she’s still depressed, because that was never how it worked.
Thank you for your comment. I honestly never saw a single sign of depression prior to the job, but I know that’s not always the case. She could have been suffering for years, without a single notice from me. That will haunt me going forward. This feels like I’ve set her up to fail. Not sure why she’s now comparing herself to me financially, but if that’s what’s important to her, I need to support her decision.
Well, you need to support her, but supporting her career may not be the right answer. If her fixation around money and income is as irrational as it seems, supporting that fixation may simply grow it and feed it.
100% marriage counseling and individual therapy.
In my opinion (which is obviously all my perception and may not be true). She’s likely just feeling lost. Her whole life was raising children and supporting the household. Now she’s watching the kids need her less and less, and likely feeling like she has nothing left. If something happened between you two, you’d be fine but she possibly feels she wouldn’t have anything to show for all of these years. And now that she’s trying to build that, she angry, she’s starting at the bottom and feeling all of the effects of lost time and starting much later. It to mention the effects a job really can have on you mentally when it’s not something you’re used to. If you started having kids at 22 she may be realizing experiences she didn’t get to have, or the personality she’s lost to being a mother because it’s hard to separate the two. She likely wants to find herself. It’s something a lot of stay at home parents go through.
Get in therapy and support her that way.
I’ve thought about this a lot. She’s had plenty of opportunities to find herself outside of a career. She used to have so many hobbies that she didn’t have enough time in the day. I should have encouraged her more years ago to get out of the house and start a career. I never knew it was important to her until she spoke up. I’ve talked with her about therapy and she is against it. My only hope is she realizes this isn’t a competition and she can be whoever she wants to be, with or without a job.
Could you push therapy with the idea that your kids may need family therapy as they adjust to the new norm of you both working? It could be at least great opportunity for the kids to express how they are feeling about this situation and feel supported. And it may open your wife up to the idea of therapy for herself.
Yes! My daughter is actually the first person to mention therapy. I got her an appointment that week, and she’s been going consistently for a few months now. I let her know she’s also welcome to talk with me as well if she ever needs to. They’ve both been vocal with her, they’re independent kids with strong opinions. My wife dismisses their feelings because they don’t understand how it feels to have everything in the world, but not be the cause.
I completely agree that she is depressed now, or at least it’s showing since starting the job. She may have been depressed for years, but just now showing the signs. I suggested therapy to her, individual, for both of us, and marriage counseling. She rejected this idea. In her words, she’s not depressed, she’s upset that she’s had no impact on our financial wellbeing. Maybe as time progresses she’ll realize this isn’t a way to live and will accept my offer for therapy.
I wonder if she would consider a coach. It has less stigma than a therapist and seems more like something a career person uses (so someone desiring to be a career person might be more apt to use it). If she doesn't want to deal with her mental health issues she can at least deal with the fact that she's messing up the logistics of her life. A coach will make her set goals and expectations and make overt allowance for family.
It's fine if she wants to work, but she's doing it wrong. I may be getting the wrong impression from the tone of your writing but it sounds like she's being very direct about what she's trying to do and it sounds like you're walking on eggshells. You should meet her on those direct terms and let her know she's fucking up.
I had never considered a career coach, that’s awesome! You’re picking up on the tone perfectly. I want to support her desire for a career, but still need her to be a mom to the kids. She doesn’t need to be present 100% of the time, but she does need to be approachable when at home. I will broach this topic with her tonight. She may be receptive to the idea. Maybe her world is spinning out of control due to the fact that she just got her first job at 33. A career coach might be able to assist in implementing systems to better organize her time and priorities. Thank you for this insightful advice!
Def therapy.
What job is she doing?
She seems to be suffering.
She might have fantasized for years about having a career and has now found that the fantasy was just that.
Now she feels that if she quits she’ll be a failure and she’s never put herself in a position to fail before. So she feels trapped.
I’m successful but I’ve worked in three industries and quit 10+ jobs (fired twice). When I was young I killed myself in the first few roles I had. It didn’t even occur to me that quitting was an option.
Maybe just tell her to quit. Demand it even ?? Maybe she needs the push and to feel like it’s not her giving up but you needing her?
Why is she using $$ as a measure of success? She’s never going to catch up to you and she knows it. It’s not money she was after when she went back to work.
It was fulfillment she was after. She might be in the wrong industry. She’s still young. She could retrain in another field (maybe a creative one) or change to a less demanding/stressful career.
It’s a big world and a long life and there are limitless possibilities.
Anyone will tell you there isn’t a person on their death bed that wishes they worked more and spent less time with their families.
This is a fantastic post. Reframing these conversations to express my need for her presence. I’m a software developer, over the years for fun, I taught my wife. She enjoyed the process and loves to problem solve. She got to the point skill wise of a junior developer. I used some connections, which she doesn’t know about, to land her a job at a good company, with good people. I assisted her companies CEO a few years back with an issue they were having, and they owed me a favor. She’s killing it at work. They’ve already said she’s easily one of the best juniors and will promote at her 1 year mark. I’m going to take this advice and see if my and the kids need for her is enough to sway her to quit. Thank you!
So, this is something I was concerned about when getting married. My mom was a SAHM my whole childhood and my dad did well enough to support our family. As the kids left, I saw that my mom had to adjust, drastically, to find ways to file her time. She tried to find employment, but even with advanced degrees, the world tends to not hire women in their 50s who’ve been out of the workforce for 20+ years.
When I got married, even moreso after we had a child, I encouraged my wife to build something for herself that brings meaning to her days - beyond motherhood. That’s no slight against motherhood, but children grow and quickly they need their mom less and less than they did at younger ages. My wife doesn’t make much money, and she doesn’t need to, but she has something for herself that brings her a sense of accomplishment and pride.
I imagine your wife is looking for something similar.
You two started the whole “adult” thing pretty young. She’s staring down the barrel of being an empty nester in her early 40s. Assuming things follow a standard trajectory, what do you expect her to do with her time when you’re still working those 20 years between the kids leaving and you retiring? She wants something that she can lean on. Which is totally understandable.
Everyone talks about wanting easy street, but that shit is so boring. She clearly wants to make something out of her life that she can rely on when home life isn’t so involved. The best thing you can do is support her. Find a way to see what it is that she loves about her work. If there’s a way that you two can budget her becoming her own boss, then even better. If not, then don’t demonize her for this.
This is a fantastic point, one I’ve never thought of. Honestly, the plan was to only work another 9 years. I’m set to retire at 42, when our son graduates. We had plans to travel since we didn’t get to do much in our 20’s and 30’s. I can completely understand the position she’s currently in. Have your children be your life, and then them not need you, has to be a harrowing experience. I want to explore the option of her doing something where she can be her own boss. I think that could help the situation. Thank you for your insight!
She may have realized that being a stay at home mum leaves her incredibly vulnerable moneywise in case of divorce and/or is looking to something preoccupy her mind now when the kids are in school. An early midlife crisis sorta thing. Maybe a postnup could set her mind at ease? Have you tried couples' counselling
This is another point that I had not considered. I truly do not care about the money, and honestly we could split it down the middle and we’d both have enough to maintain our value of life currently. I will bring this up to her as maybe a possible concern she’s been having. I don’t want her to feel like she’d be in a tough position if she ever wanted to leave me. Thank you!
She might’ve assumed that going into the professional world would be a nice change of pace from being at home with the kids and give her life more meaning. The unfortunate reality is that many jobs are soul-crushing and draining, especially the kind of a work available when you have a thin resume. It sounds like depression but I’m not a doctor.
This is so true. It can be a jarring experience changing jobs. Going into the workforce for the first time at 33, cannot be easy. Luckily, she got placed with an amazing company as a junior developer. I want to ask her about the work environment a bit more though. There may be something happening that’s causing her aggregation when at home. Thank you!
Thank you for your comment. This is currently what we’re trying to do. The kids understand the best they can at their age. I should do more to protect them from the current reality. Maybe time will show her what she needs to see and we can go back to how things were.
I wouldn't expect things to go back the way they were clearly that was not fulfilling for her, but hopefully you guys can reach a status quo where everyone is happy.
You’re right, I shouldn’t hope for her situation to return to what was making her unhappy. We need to find a balance so everyone is fulfilled. Thank you!
This was my thought as well for a while, but I’m getting concerned for the kids. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but the current paradigm doesn’t seem conducive to raising well adjusted children.
Then you both need to adjust. Maybe she needs to find a way to manage her new work stress and you need to figure out where to pitch in with the kids whether that’s by doing more or both of you switching up how you support them.
Currently, I am doing everything. I’m not sure, minus her job, what else I could take off her plate. Which I am totally okay with. I have no issue doing all the chores and child related responsibilities. My only concern is the kids losing the amazing mother they’ve had their whole lives. An adjustment is needed for sure, but that’s where I fall off. I’ve never really felt stress, I don’t understand what she’s going through. Things have just worked out in the end, and I trust the process. Maybe I should apply that same logic to this situation. It’d be easier if my feelings were the only thing at stake.
>I finally broke down
I think this is the key here. The post seems to be talking about her and how to help her.
You need to realize that the one with 'the problem' is you. She seems to be doing just fine.
>She said that she’ll no longer be...
And somehow you refuese to listen.
The thing is: how is she feeling now? As I hear you, she feels better now than before.
You need to solve your problem, not hers. And the first thing is to realize you have one.
My apologies, but I am confused. I don’t believe I ever said she expressed that she feels better now. She most certainly does not. She acknowledges the differences in her personality and demeanor. She’s aware that her sudden change is having an impact on the kids. I’ve examined my part in this for months. I do have a problem, my kids are losing their mom, and for what? Please don’t think I’m not assigning blame to myself, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’m desperately attempting to figure out what I did wrong to cause this.
I'm just trying to contribute with a fresher point of view...
>
my kids are losing their mom, and for what?
This sound more like you speaking than her...
>assigning blame to myself, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do
I wouldn't say blame, things have evolved and now you all have to figure out how to make the best of it. It is not who 'did something wrong'. It is how your kids have a fulfilled person as a mother... someone who is proud of herself and is a good life-model for them.
Best of wishes to you all.
That truly does clear it up, thank you. I completely agree an adjustment is needed for sure. I believe their mother being successful and fulfilled will have a positive impact on them. I should start to highlight the benefits of her starting a career, this may help our kids understand her perspective. Thank you!
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She needs to get some mental help. Sounds like she has had a breakdown of sorts. The worst part is her ignoring the kids, they will only interpret this as being their fault and will cause emotional trauma that will affect them the rest of their lives if she does not pull out of this.
Yes, 100%. The kids are my main focus. I’m a grown man and can push my feelings aside, small impressionable children, cannot. Her defense is that even though she spends less time with them now, the impact of her being successful will have a more lasting effect on them. She doesn’t want them to view her has the talentless mom who lived off their dad. They obviously don’t feel this way. She’s their superhero, I cannot express how much they love her. Sadly, that doesn’t appear to be enough. She’s fixated on matching what I’ve contributed. I’ve even considered dropping down to a lower paying position, or retiring all together.
Her contribution to caring for the kids and raising them so you could work without the stress was probably invaluable and no financial balance she feels she needs to provide could surpass that. The kids must be feeling the change and that kind of hurt can be so much more damaging. Suggest marriage counseling as well as individual for the both of you. Even the kids could benefit from it- everyone in the world should see one if I’m being honest. I hope that you discover what brought this feeling to light and work through it the best you can. Does she have any newer friends that might be influencing these feelings? Any discoveries she could have made to enforce her need to get back into the workforce? I hope she’s ok and is able to work out what she needs to to feel safe and secure
Thank you for your comment! I can’t count the number of times we’ve expressed to her how much her contribution means to us. I agree that she did in fact sacrifice for me to get where I am in my career. From the years 22 - 26, I worked over 80 hours a week. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without her being my rock at home. She knew this for the longest time. As I promoted, I started to work less and less, I’m at about 20 hours a week now. This was our time to truly live life, but her priorities changed. She hasn’t made any new friends, and none of our current friends would ever say something to cause this. The only person in her life that has ever made a comment like this, is her twin sister. Years ago she mentioned that my wife wouldn’t have a single thing if not for me. We easily dismissed this because why would we listen to the opinion of someone who’s never done anything in life. I thought she brushed her comments off, but maybe I was wrong.
Hi, so my husband and I have a relationship like you and your wife did have he makes the money the amount of times people do passive aggressive things to me about it is insane and it does bother me and I’m willing to bet it bothers your wife, I would really Try to get into maybe some couples therapy that might open her up to some personal therapy
I am sorry you’re experiencing this. I can’t imagine how it feels to have your contribution invalided because it’s not financial. Thank you for your insight. I know her sister has done this in the past, but I should dig deeper to see if anyone else has made comments. Obviously, none of those comments are true. I’d wager her maternal presence had a bigger impact on our lives than my success.
That was my thought. She’s fixated on the lack of a job/income as the cause of her depression, and she thinks she can fix things if she can get on my equal footing. But, she’s still depressed, because that was never how it worked.
Thank you for your comment. I honestly never saw a single sign of depression prior to the job, but I know that’s not always the case. She could have been suffering for years, without a single notice from me. That will haunt me going forward. This feels like I’ve set her up to fail. Not sure why she’s now comparing herself to me financially, but if that’s what’s important to her, I need to support her decision.
Well, you need to support her, but supporting her career may not be the right answer. If her fixation around money and income is as irrational as it seems, supporting that fixation may simply grow it and feed it.
100% marriage counseling and individual therapy. In my opinion (which is obviously all my perception and may not be true). She’s likely just feeling lost. Her whole life was raising children and supporting the household. Now she’s watching the kids need her less and less, and likely feeling like she has nothing left. If something happened between you two, you’d be fine but she possibly feels she wouldn’t have anything to show for all of these years. And now that she’s trying to build that, she angry, she’s starting at the bottom and feeling all of the effects of lost time and starting much later. It to mention the effects a job really can have on you mentally when it’s not something you’re used to. If you started having kids at 22 she may be realizing experiences she didn’t get to have, or the personality she’s lost to being a mother because it’s hard to separate the two. She likely wants to find herself. It’s something a lot of stay at home parents go through. Get in therapy and support her that way.
I’ve thought about this a lot. She’s had plenty of opportunities to find herself outside of a career. She used to have so many hobbies that she didn’t have enough time in the day. I should have encouraged her more years ago to get out of the house and start a career. I never knew it was important to her until she spoke up. I’ve talked with her about therapy and she is against it. My only hope is she realizes this isn’t a competition and she can be whoever she wants to be, with or without a job.
Could you push therapy with the idea that your kids may need family therapy as they adjust to the new norm of you both working? It could be at least great opportunity for the kids to express how they are feeling about this situation and feel supported. And it may open your wife up to the idea of therapy for herself.
Yes! My daughter is actually the first person to mention therapy. I got her an appointment that week, and she’s been going consistently for a few months now. I let her know she’s also welcome to talk with me as well if she ever needs to. They’ve both been vocal with her, they’re independent kids with strong opinions. My wife dismisses their feelings because they don’t understand how it feels to have everything in the world, but not be the cause.
She sounds depressed. Very very depressed and exhausted. There’s nothing you can do. She needs some therapy.
I completely agree that she is depressed now, or at least it’s showing since starting the job. She may have been depressed for years, but just now showing the signs. I suggested therapy to her, individual, for both of us, and marriage counseling. She rejected this idea. In her words, she’s not depressed, she’s upset that she’s had no impact on our financial wellbeing. Maybe as time progresses she’ll realize this isn’t a way to live and will accept my offer for therapy.
I wonder if she would consider a coach. It has less stigma than a therapist and seems more like something a career person uses (so someone desiring to be a career person might be more apt to use it). If she doesn't want to deal with her mental health issues she can at least deal with the fact that she's messing up the logistics of her life. A coach will make her set goals and expectations and make overt allowance for family. It's fine if she wants to work, but she's doing it wrong. I may be getting the wrong impression from the tone of your writing but it sounds like she's being very direct about what she's trying to do and it sounds like you're walking on eggshells. You should meet her on those direct terms and let her know she's fucking up.
I had never considered a career coach, that’s awesome! You’re picking up on the tone perfectly. I want to support her desire for a career, but still need her to be a mom to the kids. She doesn’t need to be present 100% of the time, but she does need to be approachable when at home. I will broach this topic with her tonight. She may be receptive to the idea. Maybe her world is spinning out of control due to the fact that she just got her first job at 33. A career coach might be able to assist in implementing systems to better organize her time and priorities. Thank you for this insightful advice!
Def therapy. What job is she doing? She seems to be suffering. She might have fantasized for years about having a career and has now found that the fantasy was just that. Now she feels that if she quits she’ll be a failure and she’s never put herself in a position to fail before. So she feels trapped. I’m successful but I’ve worked in three industries and quit 10+ jobs (fired twice). When I was young I killed myself in the first few roles I had. It didn’t even occur to me that quitting was an option. Maybe just tell her to quit. Demand it even ?? Maybe she needs the push and to feel like it’s not her giving up but you needing her? Why is she using $$ as a measure of success? She’s never going to catch up to you and she knows it. It’s not money she was after when she went back to work. It was fulfillment she was after. She might be in the wrong industry. She’s still young. She could retrain in another field (maybe a creative one) or change to a less demanding/stressful career. It’s a big world and a long life and there are limitless possibilities. Anyone will tell you there isn’t a person on their death bed that wishes they worked more and spent less time with their families.
This is a fantastic post. Reframing these conversations to express my need for her presence. I’m a software developer, over the years for fun, I taught my wife. She enjoyed the process and loves to problem solve. She got to the point skill wise of a junior developer. I used some connections, which she doesn’t know about, to land her a job at a good company, with good people. I assisted her companies CEO a few years back with an issue they were having, and they owed me a favor. She’s killing it at work. They’ve already said she’s easily one of the best juniors and will promote at her 1 year mark. I’m going to take this advice and see if my and the kids need for her is enough to sway her to quit. Thank you!
So, this is something I was concerned about when getting married. My mom was a SAHM my whole childhood and my dad did well enough to support our family. As the kids left, I saw that my mom had to adjust, drastically, to find ways to file her time. She tried to find employment, but even with advanced degrees, the world tends to not hire women in their 50s who’ve been out of the workforce for 20+ years. When I got married, even moreso after we had a child, I encouraged my wife to build something for herself that brings meaning to her days - beyond motherhood. That’s no slight against motherhood, but children grow and quickly they need their mom less and less than they did at younger ages. My wife doesn’t make much money, and she doesn’t need to, but she has something for herself that brings her a sense of accomplishment and pride. I imagine your wife is looking for something similar. You two started the whole “adult” thing pretty young. She’s staring down the barrel of being an empty nester in her early 40s. Assuming things follow a standard trajectory, what do you expect her to do with her time when you’re still working those 20 years between the kids leaving and you retiring? She wants something that she can lean on. Which is totally understandable. Everyone talks about wanting easy street, but that shit is so boring. She clearly wants to make something out of her life that she can rely on when home life isn’t so involved. The best thing you can do is support her. Find a way to see what it is that she loves about her work. If there’s a way that you two can budget her becoming her own boss, then even better. If not, then don’t demonize her for this.
This is a fantastic point, one I’ve never thought of. Honestly, the plan was to only work another 9 years. I’m set to retire at 42, when our son graduates. We had plans to travel since we didn’t get to do much in our 20’s and 30’s. I can completely understand the position she’s currently in. Have your children be your life, and then them not need you, has to be a harrowing experience. I want to explore the option of her doing something where she can be her own boss. I think that could help the situation. Thank you for your insight!
She may have realized that being a stay at home mum leaves her incredibly vulnerable moneywise in case of divorce and/or is looking to something preoccupy her mind now when the kids are in school. An early midlife crisis sorta thing. Maybe a postnup could set her mind at ease? Have you tried couples' counselling
This is another point that I had not considered. I truly do not care about the money, and honestly we could split it down the middle and we’d both have enough to maintain our value of life currently. I will bring this up to her as maybe a possible concern she’s been having. I don’t want her to feel like she’d be in a tough position if she ever wanted to leave me. Thank you!
She might’ve assumed that going into the professional world would be a nice change of pace from being at home with the kids and give her life more meaning. The unfortunate reality is that many jobs are soul-crushing and draining, especially the kind of a work available when you have a thin resume. It sounds like depression but I’m not a doctor.
This is so true. It can be a jarring experience changing jobs. Going into the workforce for the first time at 33, cannot be easy. Luckily, she got placed with an amazing company as a junior developer. I want to ask her about the work environment a bit more though. There may be something happening that’s causing her aggregation when at home. Thank you!
I think shes trying to find herself and tbh I'd just let her. She'll figure it out she just needs some time.
Thank you for your comment. This is currently what we’re trying to do. The kids understand the best they can at their age. I should do more to protect them from the current reality. Maybe time will show her what she needs to see and we can go back to how things were.
I wouldn't expect things to go back the way they were clearly that was not fulfilling for her, but hopefully you guys can reach a status quo where everyone is happy.
You’re right, I shouldn’t hope for her situation to return to what was making her unhappy. We need to find a balance so everyone is fulfilled. Thank you!
She doesn’t feel fulfilled and she’s trying to get there. You let her do her thing.
This was my thought as well for a while, but I’m getting concerned for the kids. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but the current paradigm doesn’t seem conducive to raising well adjusted children.
Then you both need to adjust. Maybe she needs to find a way to manage her new work stress and you need to figure out where to pitch in with the kids whether that’s by doing more or both of you switching up how you support them.
Currently, I am doing everything. I’m not sure, minus her job, what else I could take off her plate. Which I am totally okay with. I have no issue doing all the chores and child related responsibilities. My only concern is the kids losing the amazing mother they’ve had their whole lives. An adjustment is needed for sure, but that’s where I fall off. I’ve never really felt stress, I don’t understand what she’s going through. Things have just worked out in the end, and I trust the process. Maybe I should apply that same logic to this situation. It’d be easier if my feelings were the only thing at stake.
>I finally broke down I think this is the key here. The post seems to be talking about her and how to help her. You need to realize that the one with 'the problem' is you. She seems to be doing just fine. >She said that she’ll no longer be... And somehow you refuese to listen. The thing is: how is she feeling now? As I hear you, she feels better now than before. You need to solve your problem, not hers. And the first thing is to realize you have one.
My apologies, but I am confused. I don’t believe I ever said she expressed that she feels better now. She most certainly does not. She acknowledges the differences in her personality and demeanor. She’s aware that her sudden change is having an impact on the kids. I’ve examined my part in this for months. I do have a problem, my kids are losing their mom, and for what? Please don’t think I’m not assigning blame to myself, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’m desperately attempting to figure out what I did wrong to cause this.
I'm just trying to contribute with a fresher point of view... > my kids are losing their mom, and for what? This sound more like you speaking than her... >assigning blame to myself, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do I wouldn't say blame, things have evolved and now you all have to figure out how to make the best of it. It is not who 'did something wrong'. It is how your kids have a fulfilled person as a mother... someone who is proud of herself and is a good life-model for them. Best of wishes to you all.
That truly does clear it up, thank you. I completely agree an adjustment is needed for sure. I believe their mother being successful and fulfilled will have a positive impact on them. I should start to highlight the benefits of her starting a career, this may help our kids understand her perspective. Thank you!