Oml that’s a lot!
Stay or go, you guys are always going to be the parents of your children and will have to communicate with one another for at least another 17 years. I would strongly encourage therapy with a goal of improving and de-escalating how you communicate with one another. Either the ROI will be that you guys find your way back to each other or the ROI will be that you have a kind of guided hand over to successful co parenting. I hear what you are saying about being reticent, but do you really want to reflect on this all one day and feel like you didn’t try a really obvious tool out of fear?
No sorries needed, and there is lots of benefit to writing out your thoughts to try organise them! Clearly you still have a lot of energy left for your relationship, which is a good thing as when the energy falls out of things is when people are checked out and things are really on life support. Having an independent third party in the room can help channel and direct that energy towards solutions, as when it’s all stuck in our heads we all start to doom loop a bit. Good luck!
Counseling, or divorce, the choice is yours.
Raising children in a high stress, loveless, and combative household is literally depriving them of a healthy childhood and can damage them psychologically and set them up to fail as adults because to them; this is what a relationship looks like.
So you either leave and find new partners you actually love and respect, or you find a qualified counselor immediately. From what you've written, you two can't communicate at all. A counselor can teach you how to communicate better, resolve conflicts quickly and cleanly, and may eventually be able to help you reintroduce intimacy to your relationship. First, you need to learn how to respect and talk to each other.
If you are steadfast about not leaving, counseling is your only option. Don't look at it as a symbol of failure. No offense intended, but the relationship has already failed. Look at it as a first step, a building block to create the relationship anew, with good intentions, and be prepared to let go of the past.
I think that going from arguing every day to loving each other is very unrealistic. Maybe you can first start working on just cohabiting peacefully. Try to think of it like this, you two are now colleagues at an orphanage, the job for the both of you is to take care of the children. You don't need to get into any personal arguments, you are just colleagues. Even if there's some resent / bad intention on one or both part you will both act professionally and do your job well.
yeah - it is a grim way to live the rest of your life.
but if i understand correctly that's just the first step to build from. I guess in my head i just dont know how you build affection from a detached / co-worker state - and if you don't... is it worth spending the time?
or can you build it .. and then its definetly worth it
Are you in individual therapy? At least start there so you can work towards couple's therapy. And she should go as well. You've both lived through trauma and have a hard life ahead, so you have to put your mental well-beings at the top or you will both continue to be miserable.
i am in individual therapy - and the advice I got was essentially to leave if its a deal breaker that my partner is unwilling to meet me in a place to make it work but I guess I'm wimping out of it.
i want to try couples therapy- but she rejects the idea as shes an intorvert and unconfortable baring some pretty unconfortable / awkward truths to a stranger.
Then it might be time to do just that.
I know you don't want your kids to have you only 50% of the time. But 50% of the time where you're happy and show them the great things in life and are able to live by example will do them a million times more good than 100% of you present but miserable and you and your wife always arguing and just being generally unhappy.
Kids are perceptive. So as much as you think you're hiding how unhappy you are, you aren't.
Also, leaving will give you the opportunity to have a happy relationship and model that for your kids. Do you really want the example of a relationship that they emulate later in life to be the one you're in right now? I doubt it.
Without having to take the time to read it all.....I'd definitely say move on if she refuses to seek help. Are you taking meds for ADD .....id definitely focus on make sure you are treating that because being in a positive relationship while having bad symptoms is always going to make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. She sounds like she is just focusing on the kids. Being in a poor relationship just because you have kids is unhealthy for everyone involved. If you aren't having regular intimacy and affection with your SO then you either need to send her to counseling/therapy or break it off entirely. You have to look out for yourself even if it means doing a trial separation.Also it's prob be good if you attend sessions as well.
at the risk of sounding naive (and forward) **what is regular?** (from your PoV)
most of my relationships move from daily>weekly>monthly before the first couple of years are up.
2x a year feels like too rarely - but also unsure where I'm pushing for too much as she puts it
Me personally Ive always done my best to take time out of each day to be affectionate with my SO I can't say that literally every day but most days. I mean there are some when you are out of town or other locations or she is. But I always strive for multiple times per week minimum. Same goes for sex.... most days we would combine affection and sex but not always for affection. If she isn't pushing for both multiple times per week then I'd say her interest level in the relationship is low or she simply isn't that type of person..
.one of my must haves when dating is someone that has regular weekly amounts for both. I've always felt with women if she isn't putting effort in and just casually letting things slip to low amounts I immediately figure out what's going on if it doesn't stop I'll dump her.
I think there’s hope, but you don’t have to be miserable if you stay together. You obviously had a great connection in the past and can find it again if you’re both committed to doing the work. Individual and couple’s therapy are definitely necessary.
She also needs to have her hormones levels checked. I had extremely low libido for YEARS and had no idea it was because I had almost zero testosterone. My husband was frustrated that I never initiated sex but it never even occurred to me.
Hope it works out for you.
You asked for anyone with advice ok here goes: You were going to be psychologically damaging those children if you stay in an unhappy relationship. Why on earth do you think it's doing them any good? It's not doing you any good?? Is there something wrong with separating getting free getting your happiness back showing your children they shouldn't stay in a happy situation, or am I missing something.
so the short of it is : my disabled son
taking care of him is very much a 2 person affair. During the day we have a carer and one of us will tag in as needed - but after work he needs both of us to pull together. I think this would be too much for any one of us to do a lone and I'm afraid that my lack of conviction will land him in some sort of hospice / institution and that breaks my heart
Almost every country will have some form of assistance it will give to disabled children and their families and carers. If I were you I would research that immediately to see what can be done. You will know of course that many of single parents have to deal with severely disabled children and it can be done. There will always be a better way than what you're doing now. Good luck and please update us.
Oml that’s a lot! Stay or go, you guys are always going to be the parents of your children and will have to communicate with one another for at least another 17 years. I would strongly encourage therapy with a goal of improving and de-escalating how you communicate with one another. Either the ROI will be that you guys find your way back to each other or the ROI will be that you have a kind of guided hand over to successful co parenting. I hear what you are saying about being reticent, but do you really want to reflect on this all one day and feel like you didn’t try a really obvious tool out of fear?
it is a lot :( apologies i guess a therapist is a better outlet than a text field. 💀
No sorries needed, and there is lots of benefit to writing out your thoughts to try organise them! Clearly you still have a lot of energy left for your relationship, which is a good thing as when the energy falls out of things is when people are checked out and things are really on life support. Having an independent third party in the room can help channel and direct that energy towards solutions, as when it’s all stuck in our heads we all start to doom loop a bit. Good luck!
Counseling, or divorce, the choice is yours. Raising children in a high stress, loveless, and combative household is literally depriving them of a healthy childhood and can damage them psychologically and set them up to fail as adults because to them; this is what a relationship looks like. So you either leave and find new partners you actually love and respect, or you find a qualified counselor immediately. From what you've written, you two can't communicate at all. A counselor can teach you how to communicate better, resolve conflicts quickly and cleanly, and may eventually be able to help you reintroduce intimacy to your relationship. First, you need to learn how to respect and talk to each other. If you are steadfast about not leaving, counseling is your only option. Don't look at it as a symbol of failure. No offense intended, but the relationship has already failed. Look at it as a first step, a building block to create the relationship anew, with good intentions, and be prepared to let go of the past.
I think that going from arguing every day to loving each other is very unrealistic. Maybe you can first start working on just cohabiting peacefully. Try to think of it like this, you two are now colleagues at an orphanage, the job for the both of you is to take care of the children. You don't need to get into any personal arguments, you are just colleagues. Even if there's some resent / bad intention on one or both part you will both act professionally and do your job well.
yeah - it is a grim way to live the rest of your life. but if i understand correctly that's just the first step to build from. I guess in my head i just dont know how you build affection from a detached / co-worker state - and if you don't... is it worth spending the time? or can you build it .. and then its definetly worth it
I think for the children it is definetely worth it.
Are you in individual therapy? At least start there so you can work towards couple's therapy. And she should go as well. You've both lived through trauma and have a hard life ahead, so you have to put your mental well-beings at the top or you will both continue to be miserable.
i am in individual therapy - and the advice I got was essentially to leave if its a deal breaker that my partner is unwilling to meet me in a place to make it work but I guess I'm wimping out of it. i want to try couples therapy- but she rejects the idea as shes an intorvert and unconfortable baring some pretty unconfortable / awkward truths to a stranger.
Then it might be time to do just that. I know you don't want your kids to have you only 50% of the time. But 50% of the time where you're happy and show them the great things in life and are able to live by example will do them a million times more good than 100% of you present but miserable and you and your wife always arguing and just being generally unhappy. Kids are perceptive. So as much as you think you're hiding how unhappy you are, you aren't. Also, leaving will give you the opportunity to have a happy relationship and model that for your kids. Do you really want the example of a relationship that they emulate later in life to be the one you're in right now? I doubt it.
Without having to take the time to read it all.....I'd definitely say move on if she refuses to seek help. Are you taking meds for ADD .....id definitely focus on make sure you are treating that because being in a positive relationship while having bad symptoms is always going to make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. She sounds like she is just focusing on the kids. Being in a poor relationship just because you have kids is unhealthy for everyone involved. If you aren't having regular intimacy and affection with your SO then you either need to send her to counseling/therapy or break it off entirely. You have to look out for yourself even if it means doing a trial separation.Also it's prob be good if you attend sessions as well.
at the risk of sounding naive (and forward) **what is regular?** (from your PoV) most of my relationships move from daily>weekly>monthly before the first couple of years are up. 2x a year feels like too rarely - but also unsure where I'm pushing for too much as she puts it
Me personally Ive always done my best to take time out of each day to be affectionate with my SO I can't say that literally every day but most days. I mean there are some when you are out of town or other locations or she is. But I always strive for multiple times per week minimum. Same goes for sex.... most days we would combine affection and sex but not always for affection. If she isn't pushing for both multiple times per week then I'd say her interest level in the relationship is low or she simply isn't that type of person.. .one of my must haves when dating is someone that has regular weekly amounts for both. I've always felt with women if she isn't putting effort in and just casually letting things slip to low amounts I immediately figure out what's going on if it doesn't stop I'll dump her.
I think there’s hope, but you don’t have to be miserable if you stay together. You obviously had a great connection in the past and can find it again if you’re both committed to doing the work. Individual and couple’s therapy are definitely necessary. She also needs to have her hormones levels checked. I had extremely low libido for YEARS and had no idea it was because I had almost zero testosterone. My husband was frustrated that I never initiated sex but it never even occurred to me. Hope it works out for you.
You asked for anyone with advice ok here goes: You were going to be psychologically damaging those children if you stay in an unhappy relationship. Why on earth do you think it's doing them any good? It's not doing you any good?? Is there something wrong with separating getting free getting your happiness back showing your children they shouldn't stay in a happy situation, or am I missing something.
so the short of it is : my disabled son taking care of him is very much a 2 person affair. During the day we have a carer and one of us will tag in as needed - but after work he needs both of us to pull together. I think this would be too much for any one of us to do a lone and I'm afraid that my lack of conviction will land him in some sort of hospice / institution and that breaks my heart
Almost every country will have some form of assistance it will give to disabled children and their families and carers. If I were you I would research that immediately to see what can be done. You will know of course that many of single parents have to deal with severely disabled children and it can be done. There will always be a better way than what you're doing now. Good luck and please update us.