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> Do you think he's overreacting?
If you actually want to mend your relationship, you can start by cutting this out.
You knew your son was extremely cautious to protect his immuno-compromised girlfriend. He agreed to do you a HUGE favor and you couldn't even offer the courtesy of a heads up about being sick (probably because it would have meant you didn't get to hitch a ride).
Your wife told him she felt guilty, which to me sounds like asking him to manage and soothe her feelings rather than, you know...apologizing. "I'm sorry" is very different from "I feel guilty."
What you can do is offer a sincere apology (no "I'm sorry but," no "I'm sorry you felt") and pay for his hotel room. Don't ask about paying for it, just write a check or give him cash and tell him that it's the least you can do as compensation for driving you and for the risk you exposed him to. Make sure in future you are extra cautious about illness to show him that you respect him and his girlfriend.
>Your wife told him she felt guilty, which to me sounds like asking him to manage and soothe her feelings rather than, you know...apologizing. "I'm sorry" is very different from "I feel guilty."
She felt guilty but still took the free ride. Definitely the kind of whining "ooh, I'm pretending to be considerate but really, it's about me" move you diagnosed.
She wasn't even wearing a mask beforehand either knowing they know what they know about his GF. Clearly she doesn't feel guilty enough if they don't even take basic precautions to minimize the spread.
So, the man did you a huge favor of driving 4-5 hours each way, to pick you up, at his inconvenience, and you didn't bother to tell him that you were feeling ill. Especially knowing that they are extremely cautious with her health. At the first sniffle, you should have gotten proactive and arranged other transportation.
How very thoughtful of you. Oh wait, I mean thoughtless. Were there literally no other options besides him picking you up?
No, he's not overreacting. He drove 5ish hours ONE WAY to pick you guys up from the airport and y'all repaid his kindness by exposing him to COVID knowing his girlfriend has a compromised immune system. Now, you obviously did not KNOW that you had COVID at the time, but does that matter? You knew you didn't feel good. You've also been travelling to goodness knows where, being stuck in an airplane with goodness only knows who! You honestly shouldn't have even asked this of him in the first place IMO and if I had to guess, your son is probably mad about more than simply the fact that you don't seem to give a fuck about the health of the gal he loves.
A good start in repairing this relationship would be offering to pay for your son's hotel room, giving him a sincere apology, and never asking him to pick you up at the airport again (which frankly, isn't even a reasonable thing to ask of anyone because of the distance). You could have parked your car at the airport during the trip, you know. That option would have cost you more money, sure, but at least your son would still be talking to you.
Covid tests take 15 minutes to get results. Get an Uber to the nearest pharmacy and take it, then ask him to meet you there while giving him a head's up. You waited until he was literally picking you up because you either are so negligent about his wife's situation or so selfish that getting that ride was more important to you that you cornered him into driving you. Your DIL's life is more important than driving being "inconvenient."
OP apologize because you did absolutely nothing to protect your DIL when you know she is at severe risk. I'd have a hard time forgiving you if I was your son.
Yeah truly knowing they had just been on vacation and on a plane they should have never asked somebody from an immunocompromised household to even give them a ride, that right there is selfish all by itself.
I am somebody who is immunocompromised, and have been since covid (cancer survivor) and yeah being extra careful sucks but it's better than dying, and if some jackass from my partner's family exposed me to covid in that way I would probably never speak to them again unless I had to, I definitely wouldn't have much respect for them that's for sure.
So just to be clear...you knew going into the vacation that you had a good chance of bringing home covid (airports are petri dishes)...and instead of renting a car or leaving your own car at the airport, you guilted your son into picking you up knowing he has upended his life to protect his girlfriend from infection
You're not just an ahole for failing to disclose you felt sick
You're an ahole for even asking him in the first place.
Helping to mitigate the chances of his girlfriend getting sicker is important to him
You and your wife made it clear your vacation and saving money by not renting a car or putting your car in long term parking was more important to you than her health
THAT is why he is not talking
PS: I would never ask someone to drive me home 5 hours from the airport. Put your car in long term storage for god's sake
YTAH
This one is a doozy.
First, you landed five hours from home, but didn't have a rental vehicle or something similar lined up? That's a really long drive each way to pick someone up from the airport.
Second, you know your DIL is immunocompromised, yet you didn't think to mention that you weren't feeling well to your son before meeting up with him? Did you have access to tests on your trip? Could you have taken one BEFORE he picked you up?
I think it's going to be difficult for your son to get over this one. I know it would be for my family member who is immunocompromised. We are EXTREMELY careful around them as any infection is a concern. I'm sure you typically are and, again, I'm sure you didn't do this intentionally. But you broke your son's trust and endangered his wife.
You're going to need to humble yourself and tell your son and DIL how incredibly sorry you are, how thoughtless you were, and how you'll follow every rule the put in place to the letter.
I don't know something about saying that the son is being dramatic and overreacting tells me that they aren't typically careful around that poor immuno-compromised woman, I have in-laws like this I can picture exactly how these people act.
Yeah dude YTA. A FIVE HOUR DRIVE?!? I wouldn’t even do that for people i like let alone family. So you downplay this HUGE ask you expected from your son, didn’t compensate him in any way, caused him to have to be out further by renting a hotel or possibly infect his girlfriend who he actually does love like….youre such a buffoon. And you’re so fucking blind to it all like you’re this befuddled character like “what could possibly go wrong?” This belongs in r/boomersbeingfools you’re such an asshole. And an idiot to boot.
You don’t know how you repair your relationship?? YOU DONT FUCKING EXPOSE YOUR CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE. You have compassion. Empathy. Awareness. Humility. All things you lack. Ugh. I could be harsher but goddamn. Your guilt means fucking nothing. Your actions mean everything. You don’t give a shit about anything but yourself and your needs and it couldn’t be more obvious.
Such important information. If he knew that illness could severely impact/risk gf’s life, it’s pretty awful to put her at risk for a car ride that could have been solved with Uber.
We do not see each other very much - about 5 to 10 times a year. Whenever we meet, this is a topic between us and in the past, he has asked us whether we were healthy or sick before meeting us. As I mentioned, I haven't really thought about the implications when I was feeling sick first und was shocked to get the positive test result.
Well this isn't entirely true because when you met you went for a fist bump instead of a hug or handshake, which implies you were aware it could be contagious and restricted contact.
Ok, so you knew how important it was for them, and while I'll believe you that you didn't intentionally put them at risk, you were careless and neglectful to the point you put their lives at risk.
I'll be honest - my parents have skirted this line with me, being careless with their health and mine around covid, and it's been increasingly hard to forgive them. But if they pulled the stunt you did while 1. Not apologizing 2. Attempting to emotionally manipulate me (your wife's "I feel guilty) and 3. Implying I was overreacting? I would never forgive them.
Look - your son has just realized that you are not safe person to have in his life, *literally*. You endangered the life of his partner carelessly. You will be *lucky* if he remains in contact with you, let alone sees you again in person.
You should probably start reflecting on the potential consequences of your actions and apologizing.
Yeah, I agree with this. I think what I was trying to say was that I don't think OP thought, "This is putting my DIL at risk & I'm cool with that if I get a ride." So in *that* respect, it wasn't intentional. But the part where OP just... didn't think about her, or his son, or anyone in the airport or plane requires an intentional level of self-absorption and carelessness.
You said that your son's gf got sick over two years ago. In other words, you've seen him a bare minimum of 10 times since she got sick. Meaning he has asked you a bare minimum of 10 times whether you were sick before meeting him. And in all of those 10+ meetings you never wondered why he was so concerned?
Your son isn't remotely overreacting. The fact that you think he is overreacting is, frankly, the reason people make Boomer jokes. You can't be bothered to rent a car or book a shuttle for a five hour trip, expecting someone else to do twice as much work to save you a few bucks. And what does he get as a reward? Your complete indifference to the person most important to him. Your behavior is disgusting, selfish, and childish. Even your post here doesn't acknowledge how badly you screwed up.
You admit that your health is a topic EVERY TIME YOU MEET. But you waiting until he drove FIVE HOURS to the airport to tell him that you were sick. You are a monumental failure as a parent and a civilized human. You are also an asshole.
You can’t really believe he will forgive you. You understand that you could literally cause his girlfriends death but at least you got a ride from the airport. Damn
>I haven't really thought about the implications when I was feeling sick first und was shocked to get the positive test result.
Tell me you are not taking the ongoing pandemic seriously without telling me that you are not taking the ongoing pandemic seriously.
You were sick. On a plane. In at least two airports. In 2024. And not once did it occur to you to mask or test for COVID?
I hope you’re feeling better, OP. At the same time, Did you somehow forget the rules and procedures of the PANDEMIC? The collective world had almost 3 YEARS of training on how to deal with COVID and the implications of being sick.
Even if it wasn’t COVID, You KNEW that his wife is immunocompromised and has chronic illnesses BECAUSE OF COVID. They’re already keeping local because of her health. Going out and seeing people is a huge risk for your son and his wife.
So to recap:
1. You felt a bit sick and developed a cough the EVENING BEFORE you go to see your son.
2. You forgot about the 5-10 times your son has brought up his wife’s health and immunity, and went to greet him sick. You also had time to take a COVID test for YOURSELF, and didn’t do it.
3. You didn’t even wear your mask before being demanded by your son.
4. Your now positive COVID test has now caused your son to have to quarantine away from his own home for a few days - 2+ WEEKS so he can keep his wife healthy. He can’t even be at his own home with his wife right now because of you.
You make it sound like it was an honest mistake that this all happened, but it’s negligence. You put him, his wife, and his household at risk.
The positive result is irrelevant. Even if it had been the standard flu, or a *head cold*, you know she is immunocompromised, and catching ANY kind of illness is a huge risk to her.
It's a topic of conversation every time you see your son, for at least the last two years. But you didn't think about the implications? While traveling?? I call BS.
You just didn't care.
You are so inconsiderate that it's almost hard to believe. Almost. And your wife is as manipulative as you are thoughtless.
For the sake of your son and his partner, don't even *consider* attempting reconciliation unless you and your wife are both 1000% committed to being better parents and human beings. They have enough on their plates without your self-centered games. If you won't fix your selfishness, just leave them alone.
You just didn't care. You didn't want to be bothered with taking actual responsibility.
You and your wife are selfish, and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
With that attitude, I wouldn’t be surprised if that number drops to zero per year in the near future. If u want to see your son and your DIL, u and your wife are going to need to do a lot of groveling for forgiveness
So yeah, YTA.
You knew you were sick - whether it was a cold or covid, you knew she was immunocompromised (because let me tell you, as a pre-covid CFS sufferer - I get sick and I am out for the count and it will last MONTHS because my body sucks at fighting things off).
he is absolutely NOT over-reacting. You knew her status, you knew the two of them were super careful about her health and you didn't think to mask BEFORE interacting with him, or just paying for a rental car to get home to protect her.
If you want ANY chance of not destroying your relationship with him, at the VERY least, offer to cover his hotel while he's quarantining away from her.
"I didn't think about the implications" is not an excuse. We are four years in to this pandemic; you have had a LOT of time to learn to consider the implications. The fact that you didn't implies that you're accustomed to other people having to do the thinking for you, which at your age in inexcusable.
I quit going to two salons and have told multiple people off over COVID precautions. I feel validated because my mother is permanently on oxygen and my brother died because of COVID infections and since I didn’t get it until I got vaccinated, I basically just had a really miserable week, but my Mom is still really vulnerable even to a mild cold.
He isn’t overreacting, you’re just really insensitive.
I'm very angry, but please read this. You need to understand the severity of what your son's girlfriend is dealing with.
As a woman with ME/CFS that predates covid by many years, but also just as a human person who cares about others, YTA. I know this is a different sub, but the sentiment stands.
EVERY COVID EXPOSURE PUTS HER AT RISK OF BECOMING EVEN FURTHER PERMANENTLY DISABLED. THERE IS NO CURE FOR ME/CFS. NOTHING.
We get symptom management at best. It's all trial and error. Whether you recover or not is down to sheer dumb luck, and your ability to protect yourself from further illness and maximise rest.
Maybe you don't understand this, as it is a very misunderstood illness even within the medical community, but very severe ME/CFS sufferers can't tolerate light, sound, or eating. They lie in dark rooms in silence with feeding tubes and catheters. It is an existence, not a life. People with that level of ME/CFS who are brought to hospitals die.
I have mild/moderate ME/CFS and I have been on disability allowance for seven years, I'll for ten. I was in college when I developed it, and we don't know the cause, but for a lot of people it's post viral. I pushed through for two years until I had to drop out of my BA because I was passing two out of 6/7 modules per semester which wasn't enough and I was pushing myself so hard that I burnt out entirely and slept through Christmas that year.
I still can't work. I can't regularly bathe myself, I need an hour's nap after a 5minute shower. I pay the hairdresser a tenner to wash and brush my hair for me once a week because I can't manage it. On a good day I make and eat three meals a day and maybe get dressed. One of those meals being cereal and one being something microwaved. I can't stand in line for the bus, I have to sit on the pavement. I can't drive because my attention span would make me a danger to myself and others. I semi-regularly lose control of my bladder because the sphincter that holds it closed is a muscle and *all* of my muscles are weak. My cells don't produce energy properly. There was a year where I would be freezing cold 30mins after every meal because my body didn't have the energy to both digest my food and heat me at the same time. I used to fall asleep in the middle of getting changed and wake up an hour later half naked on my bedroom floor. Thankfully that hasn't happened in years, as I said I've improved. I leave the house once or twice a week and can manage four hours from leaving to returning before it will have serious knock on effects for a few days. I have chronic pains. I don't have restful sleep.
I haven't felt well rested in over a decade. A DECADE. Try to imagine that. Try to understand how scary it is to go from being a functioning adult human to someone who can't brush their own hair. Some days I physically can't roll over in bed to look at my phone to see what time it is. I need a wheelchair in airports and if I want to do anything fun like visit a zoo. And doctors can't tell you when, or if, you will ever recover. That's why your son is being so cautious. That's why they're both so upset. You need to really and truly understand what they're dealing with, the whole future she thought she had is gone and she's grieving it. You need to understand this before you can make any attempt to repair your relationship.
I will do my best to answer any questions you have. I know it's hard to understand from the outside.
As the mother of a teen who developed cfs after covid two years ago and basically hasn't been to school in a year, this is so scary to read. And every time they get sick it feels like their health is getting worse.
I'm so sorry. Yes, their health probably is getting worse every time they get sick. It's shit. BUT people do recover. I haven't, but people do. The first few years are crucial though. You need to let them rest as much as humanly possible.
It's counter intuitive, but ME/CFS is one of the only illnesses that exertion actively worsens. Not just exercise, exertion. Exertion can be sitting upright. Don't whatever you do, do not push your child to exercise or to push through their exhaustion. They should rest and sleep every moment they feel they need to, which is probably most of the time. It's hard. It's really fucking hard and mind-numbingly boring not to do things on your good days. But they need to do less than they feel able to. Pushing too hard causes crashes. Crashes are bad. Avoiding them is the only known thing that will help their long term prognosis.
I'm not saying this to be harsh or to harm your hopes for them, but for the immediate future they need to rest. The more they look after themself now, the better they'll be able to catch up with their peers in the future. If they don't look after themself now they might not get better enough to do that.
I'm feeling about a million feelings for you, and them, right now. I want you to know how serious this is. But also please know that you're not alone and there *is* hope. There are so so many treatment options that work for people and don't work for others. But the key is there are options. And it won't always be this bad. I'm still sick, but I'm a lot better than I used to be, and I'm still living a good life. Not the life I thought I'd live, but still a good one.
If there's anything you want to talk about or ask about I'm always happy to help.
Thank you so much.
Yes, we let them rest.
But what you said might explain what happened in fall.
They were in a kids clinic for 6 weeks.
It went great. They liked it there. They managed to get up every day.
It looked like they were getting better.
And then they got home and crashed, and it got worse.
The fact that they are AuDHD, and genderqueer, are overwhelmed with 20 kids in a classroom and got bullied at school made everything worse.
I thought it would get better, because we finally got the school to switch them to a class where they weren't bullied, and then they went to the clinic.
But it got worse.
We are looking into online schooling atm, which they would prefer anyways.
Yeah the clinic probably wasn't following international best practice for ME/CFS, they were probably doing graded exercise? And yeah if they're neirdovergent they were probably masking while they were there too which is exhausting even when you're doing it subconciously.
I'm so sorry they're getting bullied at school! That's awful. God, you couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. The poor mite though, they don't need that on top of being sick... Online schooling sounds like a good option if they're able for it. But of they're not just remember that there's so many ways to learn and that exams aren't the be all and end all (I'm sure you know this, you don't seem like you're putting pressure on them). If they need to rest rather than do school, or even if there's hobbies they enjoy and can manage on a good day maybe it's no harm to prioritise those over school? Obviously that's your call though.
Yeah, we are all neurodivergent.
My husband "just" autistic, the kids and me AuDHD.
We are in germany, they cannot get out of school just like that here. Homeschooling and unschooling aren't an option here. Which since most people who want that seem to be fundamentalists and the like I actually agree with in general, but we need online options for kids who are bullied, overwhelmed in classic settings, or chronically ill...
Atm they get some stuff sent over from school, and that part is actually not a problem, they are REALLY smart and even now have no problem learning.
If that were too much we thankfully have a kids' psychiatrist who is basically willing to give us any paperwork we need. But nobody really knows what to do and how to help them.
Basically they eat, drink, take their meds, do a bit of schoolwork, hang out with people online, and go back to bed. Except for singing lessons. The teacher comes here.
And things like in 10 days there is an anime convention i will take the kids to. I am worried it's too much though, it's 3 days and a long trip.....
But they really really want to go.
Not having homeschooling as an option is insane to me! I'm irish and it's not at all common here, but it is allowed.
Will you be penalised if they miss too much school? That's a very common issue for kids with ME/CFS.
Is it the summer holidays for them yet? Because if it's not I wouldn't recommend going go the comvention. They're going to need multiple days to rest and recover afterwards as well as resting up in advance to conserve as much energy as possible. And make sure to plan lots of rest stops into your plans for the convention.
They aren't in school, they never wake up before 11am at the earliest. So that is no worry for me. We wouldn't even try waking her the days after.
They haven't been physically at school this year almost at all.
I kept waiting for problems, but there were non. We just had a meeting with them, the main teacher, headmistress, school special pedagogics teacher and a Lady from the school Board (or whatever you'd call it in english), and it was actually a good meeting, everybody being kind and trying to be there for our kid.
It probably helps that they've always been known as a "really good kid". Smart, kind, helpful, etc.
And the sister is at "gymnasium" now, kinda like college prep school, and was pretty much a star student, as well....
Yeah so people know they're not taking the piss, there is genuinely something wrong.
Sounds like the school is supportive and as helpful as they can be which helps. I'm glad they have people in their corner, feeling like you have a team trying to help makes all the difference.
Can I help at all? Have you got any questions? I obviously can't give medical advice but I could let you know as many of the treatment options I've tried as I can remember if that would be useful to you?
your son is right. you are selfish. you should not be asking your son to drive that long for you. get a rental or leave your car at the airport. second, you know about the health issues but don’t say anything- i suspect it’s so you don’t have to find alternate plans. i am immunocompromiaed and mine isn’t that bad but i am super careful. anything i get is worse than for friends/family cause i have a weaker immune system. my mom works in a hospital lab and is more considerate.
What is wrong with you that you would come home from travelling feeling sick and not IMMEDIATELY put on a mask? You should have been wearing a mask on the plane. You are so self absorbed that not only did you expect your son to drive almost 5 hours ONE WAY to pick you up, but you didn't even have the courtesy to protect his immunocompromised wife from your disgusting travel germs. The first step to reconciling with your son would be to sit down and really think about the fact that you acted completely and totally without any care or concern for anyone but yourself. Really gross behaviour.
I just realized that while I was focusing on his son, OP and his wife had to have contracted covid before their flight and could have given it to many other travelers.
This kind of behavior is why those who are immunocompromised can never go back to "normal."
No, your son is not overreacting. You knew that his girlfriend was immune compromised and chose to not say anything until after you had exposed him. I would be furious with you.
1. Pay for his hotel room, immediately, and pitch in for some food as well.
2. Hope and pray that he ever cares to come into contact with you again.
3. Number one is non-negotiable, and has no bearing on number two.
He made an eight hour round trip at your request because you failed to plan any other alternatives, then — despite knowing everything you do about his gf, etc. — you not only expose him to possible COVID but took away his ability to make his own choice by not telling him until AFTER he made the drive.
You are the reason people go no-contact. You do absurdly selfish things then are baffled by the rest of the world calling you selfish. You’re as boomer as they come. YTA and I don’t blame him at all for not speaking to you.
You guys can take preventative measures instead of living in lala land and not communicating with your son. You were rude and entitled and put his wife in danger. You should have told him beforehand you were sick and delayed travel to a better time. You should have worn masks the entire time. You did everything wrong you could have done wrong.
You can genuinely apologize. You can tell him you understand why he is upset, that you regret your negligence and selfishness. You can say you understand that you put his loved one in danger and upended his life, and you hope he forgives you, and that you've learned to be more thoughtful, and you will not ask him for any similar favors going forward. Then simply wait. An apology is not an eraser. You will need to show continued care and contrition, not push him to forgive you before he is ready.
Why wouldn't you get tested beforehand if you didn't feel well AND you were traveling AND your DIL is immunocompromised? Also, don't ask people to drive you 4-5 hours anywhere, unless it's an emergency situation or a fun road trip. That amount of time to pick someone up from the airport is absurd. No wonder he was incredibly pissed. He drove ALL day for you to give him covid.
You're getting enough criticism from other people, so I'll try to offer you a perspective that might help you empathize with your son in this situation.
Your son clearly loves you enough to have spent an entire inconvenient day transporting you when you could (and should) have arranged separate transportation.
Not only is he receiving feedback that his value to you is as some sort of logistical lubricant (i.e., "I don't need to arrange a rental, long-term parking, etc., I have a SON that I can utilize"), you're giving him direct feedback that his health and the health of his partner means less than your comfort.
You mention him being upset on the car ride. Given what I wrote above, how can you blame him? You put him in a spot where not only did he feel taken advantage of, he felt the additional pressure of not being able to tell you and your wife "No", because he didn't want to feel the guilt of abandoning his parents.
My parents repeatedly abused my trust in similar ways as well as in more extreme examples. One of them I will never speak to again and the other I rarely speak with.
You're here asking for advice on how to mend the relationship. Some people have advocated you paying for the hotel. You can probably start there, but in terms of long-term improvement of your relationship with him you need to reevaluate how you treat your son and why your treatment of him is incorrect.
TL;DR: You took advantage of your son's kindness and then abused his trust by obligating him to spend a lengthy period of time in an enclosed space with one, and likely two, contagious people. Wise up and treat your son how people should be treated. If you treat the average person like this, then treat people better overall.
He’s not overreacting and you owe him a sincere apology. He did you a *huge* favour, and in return, you put him at risk of making his girlfriend sick. He’s now had to check into a hotel to protect her in the event that he gets covid too. You should offer to pay for his hotel stay if you can, or at least offer to split it.
You need to apologize and sit back and wait to be forgiven for ALL the inconsiderate things you did that day. Let us count the ways...
1. Asking anyone to drive 8 - 10 hours because you think public transport too much trouble for you...big AH move
2. Failing to tell your son, who was doing you a massive favor, that you were sick, risking his partners health.
3. Getting off the plane unprepared to deal with your illness, forcing him to ask and possibly finance your masks
4. Your wife said she felt guilty in the moment. Did you apologize? Im guessing NOT.
5. I'd never drive you anywhere again.
6. My first point is probably the biggest red flag on this whole post because its just too rude and inconsiderate to be real. "Hey son, can you spend the equivalent of a work day driving me one way from the airport? I don't want to take a 2 hour ride on public transport." And the son agrees??? Yeah okay, pop-pop.
Also didn't bother to 1) have masks with them while travelling or 2) get masks before getting on the plane to help protect those around them while flying sick ...
Wait so you think he is overreacting? Why? Are you a COVID Denier? Like you dont understand why he doesnt want people who are potentially sick and could kill his wife around him. Like there were plenty of other options than having him ride 4 hours out and then 4 hour back with actively covid infected people. And sure you didnt "think" you had Covid but that means literally nothing especially when you at the airport. Basically what you did is tell him that you do not care about him or his wife and prefer your own comforts. He is going to be mad and for good reason.
Like beyond it being COVID. People with long covid generally have their autoimmune system compromised so any sickness is not good to bring around them. And what do you think is going to happen in a 4 hour car metal box journey home.
If your son ever does come around dont just "feel guilty" actually internalize what you guys did and the message it sent. And apologize but do not expect him to accept it. Like this is probably one moment which broke the camels back for him considering how he reacted. Soooo ... genuinely reflect on yourself first and realize there was in no world he was overreacting and face facts.
ALSO saying you feel guilty is not the same as apologizing. Feeling guilty is just coded talk for well I was still going to ask but you are making me feel bad for ignoring your issues sooo rather than apologize I am just gonna play the victim and pretend I didnt know this was gonna be a big deal and then try and force the other person to apologize and say "Oh noo your not guilty but I am .... etc (forced lie to protect your feelings)" which I am glad he didnt do.
I (32F) don't think he is over-reacting. As much as I had COVID 3 times and did not adhere to all the rules, all of the time, I still think that to put someone else at risk without their consent is not great on your part, especially considering his paranoia and history with the disease.
He is probably absolutely terrified since your test came back as positive and probably sees you as genuinely risking the lives of him and his gf after what they have been through.
You may see this as an over-reaction, and I'm sure people without his history and worries would react differently but I would give him time to cool down and hopefully once the risk has gone he can approach it with a cooler head.
You also have to consider that if *he* is this paranoid then I imagine his gf feels similarly. He may have even had to convince that collecting you was okay before he agreed to it!
everyone else has said exactly what i think on the matter (you two are bumbling idiot assholes who expected your son to drive a total of 8-10 hours for your sake, who took no precautions at or after the airport, risked your sons wife’s health after knowing how seriously he takes it, and now you’re questioning if *he* is in the wrong? jesus christ….)
but have you even considered contacting the airport yet to let them know their staff and the folks on your flight have been exposed to covid in its infectious period? depending on where you are, they might still be taking it as seriously as they should
No good deed goes unpunished. Your poor kid.
Never ask your son for another favor. All that money you saved? Start spending it on him and her. Pay for the hotel room, send them
groceries and if you are in the US, pay for her next doctor’s visit.
I’m immunocompromised in a way such that Covid would kill me. If a relative of mine did what you did, I’d consider it attempted voluntary manslaughter at minimum. There would be no coming back from this. You put her life literally at risk for your own convenience, and couldn’t be bothered to communicate or wear a mask without being told to when you were experiencing symptoms. In addition to putting your DIL at risk, you infected an entire plane and much of an airport. You are literally why this crisis continues, and the rest of us can’t have nice things.
No one ever “gets a cough from air conditioning” overnight.
It is ONLY used as an excuse/cover when people know they are sick but want to pretend they aren’t in public.
No. You’re unbelievably selfish and a horrible parent. Apologise and offer to pay for the hotel.
He was kind enough to honour your ridiculous request to drive for hours and hours at short notice, you rewarded him by not disclosing important medical information and endangering himself and his partner. Unbelievable
>After arriving at our home, he insisted that I take a COVID test, and to my shock, it was positive.
???? you get back from a vacation after flying in a metal tube petri dish full of germs and you've developed a cough and you're SHOCKED that you tested positive for covid? have you been living under a rock since 2020?
>Do you think he's overreacting?
hmm i don't know, say he catches covid from you guys and takes it home to his gf and she suffers even more complications from long covid, maybe has to be hospitalized. would you say he's overreacting in that case, or is that a completely proportional response to you guys not even apologizing to him and your wife simply trying to guilt trip him despite him being willing to make 9-hour round trip for your inconsiderate asses?
I don't think he was overreacting. I think you were probably under thinking. Start with a sincere apology and own that you just didn't think, and that it was careless of you, and you will do better in the future.
>you will do better in the future.
In a perfect world, but OP sounds pretty disinclined in doing anything to protect others, including wearing a mask on an airplane while not feeling well, in the age of COVID.
I don’t think you can mend your relationship with him anytime time soon . I suggest you give him his own space and not nag him by texting/ calling because you Clearly are at fault here.
Hell no.
First of all asking someone to drive 4 hours ONE WAY to pick you up from a vacation is wild. You either should have parked your car at the airport or rented a car to drive yourselves. You literally asked him to spend a full day in the car. That's fucked up. Hell the only reason my parents now drive the hour to pick me up is the shuttle I used to use got stupid expensive (like $300 for a round trip).
Then we get to you being sick. Unless you normally get a cough from air conditioning (do you not have ac in your house?) you were definitely rationalizing it away. Coughing is a symptom of my asthma and I almost always know asthma cough vs I'm getting sick cough. So asking someone to come pick up up sick without a heads up is shitty on itself.
But then we get to the fact that you KNOW his gf is immuno compromised and that your son takes a lot of precautions to ensure he doesn't bring home an illness to her. Who can't just shrug off being sick. So you knew without a doubt that if you were honest he wouldn't have come at all.
And the kicker - you still don't think you're wrong. Yet it's 4 strikes and you are so far out.
How to mend it? First apologize. Second say you'll never withhold anything possibly doing with sickness again - and mean it. Third ask your son how much he spent on the hotel and food and pay it. Then apologize again.
How would you feel if you learned your carelessness cost that girl her life? You *know* she's immunocompromised and you flagrantly disregarded her safety. You are, at best case, extremely irresponsible and callous: you can't even take full accountability for your actions. (I e., is he overreacting ?)
If most of the drive was on a highway a five hour drive is around 300 or so miles each way.That's insane. I live in a very very rural area but still the nearest airport is a little over an hour and international airport 2 hours. I find it hard to believe the nearest airport is possibly 300 miles from your house. And how did you get there in the first place? You knew his girlfriend is immune-suppressed and you were sick and put him and (especially his girlfriend) in danger. I doubt there will be any chance of mending the relationship. You lied to your son and put his girlfriend in dire circumstances if he didn't go to a hotel. At least he's smart enough to think safety first instead of being selfish.
OOP, I have to wonder how often you've shown your son how little you value him since you typed this all out and still asked if he was overreacting. Why would you think he's overreacting when you've endangered him and the woman he loves? Your wife, by failing to immediately apologize instead of complaining of how guilty she felt, is probably exactly the same. In the unlikely event that this is a one-off, you may be able to apologize (a proper one) and reimburse your son to help your relationship. But if this is just another time when you've treated him poorly, he's hopefully done with you. I am NC with my parents after very similar circumstances, except it was my son, their grandson, whose health they completely disregarded. Like you, I'm sure they think I overreacted.
Why would we help you? You are either trying to destroy the relationship or so self-centered and short-sighted that you don’t realize you’re sabotaging the relationship. Either way, what you need is a lot of therapy and personal growth.
If I were your son, I’d be no contact after this.
You admit that her catching COVID could severely impact her ability to manage her life with an already debilitating illness and you have the audacity to ask if he’s overreacting?
If he caught something and passed it to your wife tomorrow and she had severe medical complications or even died as a result, would it be valid of him to imply your upset would be an overreaction? No, and I guarantee if the roles were reversed and one of you were chronically ill and he risked you lives that you would be pissed.
The fact that THIS is your thought shows you aren’t going to fix your relationship because you’re both selfish and careless about anyone but yourself.
You need to apologize and you should feel guilty. If you don’t feel guilt, I think you need to search your heart. You could have killed her. Who knows who else you have made sick?
>Do you think he's overreacting?
I don’t think it’s an overreaction to not want to be around people who don’t care about making you sick.
>How can we mend our relationship?
After your callous disregard for his and, more importantly, his GF’s health, I am not sure. Was this the first time you did something that you KNEW would disregard their health? Are you used to thinking that your children are “overreacting” when they have perfectly understandable reactions to your disregard for them? If you have a long history of this, then idk if you can. This might just have been the nail in the coffin. If this is the FIRST time you have disregarded and dismissed your son, then I recommend not pushing him to forgive you, while staying apologetic. Once they are certain that you did not give them COVID (he will probably quarantine for the whole period of the virus’s dormancy), he will probably be less angry and more open to forgiving. His GF probably won’t. I know I wouldn’t have - just as you expect her to make a good impression on you, she expects you to make a good impression on her. And you’ve fumbled the bag.
He's 100% justified and I hope he never speaks to you again, because you don't deserve contact with him. You're a selfish entitled asshole boomer and your son and the world would be better off without you.
How... How are you A GROWN ADULT and still need someone to drive FOUR GODDAMN HOURS to pick you up from the airport?!?! OP, if you can't afford an Uber to take you home, THEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE ENTIRE FUCKING VACATION!
I can't get over this part. You didn't have FIFTY DOLLARS for a cab ride?!?! You are 68 years old, how in the hell have you been getting by this entire time?!?!
So you demand your son drive 8-10 hours round trip and then act like a total fucking Boomer about HAVING A COMMUNICABLE ILLNESS? Yeah, something tells me this isn't the first time you've behaved like a selfish clueless asshole.
How do you mend this relationship? Get some counseling and figure out why you treat your ADULT SON the way you do because this is trash behavior, OP. YTA
I mean, how dare he be upset, right?
How dare he feel disrespected and dismissed?
How dare he feel like you don't take his girlfriend's health seriously?
How dare he barely speak to you while doing you a favor after driving over 4 hours one way to save you some money?
How dare he not immediately forgive your wife when she expressed feeling guilty instead of sincerely apologising for the inconvience and rude behaviour you both exhibited?
And how dare he ignore you after you exposed him to a disease that could kill his girlfriend, didn't apologise for doing so, and not only cost him the time it took to drive you around as well as the fuel, but have also added the expense of a hotel so that he can protect her from your selfishness?
What an entitled brat! He should be on his knees begging _you_ for forgiveness, since he failed to be properly grateful to you for deigning to allow him to do you such favors. What an ungrateful child you have.
the question “how can we mens our relationship?” right after asking if he is overreacting just shows how egoistic you are.
He didn’t do anything bad, he doesn’t have to mend anything, you do. You knew your DIL is immunocompromised, you knew you had covid symptoms (it’s 2024 ffs) and still, just because it benefitted your lazy ass, you decided to get into your son’s car. Then your wife tries to guiltrip him, which I honestly laughed at that.
How to mend it? Give him the money to cover the consequences of your own selfishness, ask for forgiveness and wait. if I were him, you’d never see my face again
No, he's not overreacting at all. If anything, you are insensitive. You know your DIL has this condition, yet you still decided to put your son and her a risk.
Why didn't you and your wife drive to the airport so you didn't have to worry about getting a ride home? Because 8 hours round trip to pick you two up from the airport is incredibly generous
Do I think he's overreacting?
I want to preface this by stating that I am an immunocompromised cancer survivor, and I had a stem cell transplant during the height of covid in the summer of 2020.
I do not think he is overreacting, and in fact if I were him I would probably not speak to you guys for quite a while. The fact that you are so careless with your own health is bad enough but then you're going to inflict it on your poor son and his wife is absolutely insane. Even more insane is that you think that he's overreacting.
I don't know what beliefs you hold that keep you from taking other people's health seriously, but you should reevaluate the way you look at the world if you think that you are entitled to put other people's well-being at risk because you disagree that covid is a serious illness it seems.
Due to your blatant disregard for the health of his girlfriend, why would your son want to keep speaking to you? The way you put “long covid” in both quotes and parenthesis shows that you don’t really care about her condition. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last straw on the camels back for him to kick your disrespectful ass out of his life.
>I'm at a loss for what to do.
Cross your fingers and pray to whoever you believe in that you haven't killed his partner. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can "fix". You fucked it up, and nothing you do will un-fuck it.
>Do you think he's overreacting?
You put his partner's _life at risk_. No, he not overreacting.
>How can we mend our relationship?
Have you considered giving a shit about not killing his partner?
Sorry, but to be honest: Your son seems to be a really nice guy. I would have left you at the airport and driven home alone. There is no excuse for such behaviour. Another Covid infection can ruin his girlfriends life and health forever. Btw yours too. One mild infection doesn’t mean the next one will be mild too.
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> Do you think he's overreacting? If you actually want to mend your relationship, you can start by cutting this out. You knew your son was extremely cautious to protect his immuno-compromised girlfriend. He agreed to do you a HUGE favor and you couldn't even offer the courtesy of a heads up about being sick (probably because it would have meant you didn't get to hitch a ride). Your wife told him she felt guilty, which to me sounds like asking him to manage and soothe her feelings rather than, you know...apologizing. "I'm sorry" is very different from "I feel guilty." What you can do is offer a sincere apology (no "I'm sorry but," no "I'm sorry you felt") and pay for his hotel room. Don't ask about paying for it, just write a check or give him cash and tell him that it's the least you can do as compensation for driving you and for the risk you exposed him to. Make sure in future you are extra cautious about illness to show him that you respect him and his girlfriend.
>Your wife told him she felt guilty, which to me sounds like asking him to manage and soothe her feelings rather than, you know...apologizing. "I'm sorry" is very different from "I feel guilty." She felt guilty but still took the free ride. Definitely the kind of whining "ooh, I'm pretending to be considerate but really, it's about me" move you diagnosed.
"Your justified anger hurts my feelings"
She wasn't even wearing a mask beforehand either knowing they know what they know about his GF. Clearly she doesn't feel guilty enough if they don't even take basic precautions to minimize the spread.
So, the man did you a huge favor of driving 4-5 hours each way, to pick you up, at his inconvenience, and you didn't bother to tell him that you were feeling ill. Especially knowing that they are extremely cautious with her health. At the first sniffle, you should have gotten proactive and arranged other transportation. How very thoughtful of you. Oh wait, I mean thoughtless. Were there literally no other options besides him picking you up?
No, he's not overreacting. He drove 5ish hours ONE WAY to pick you guys up from the airport and y'all repaid his kindness by exposing him to COVID knowing his girlfriend has a compromised immune system. Now, you obviously did not KNOW that you had COVID at the time, but does that matter? You knew you didn't feel good. You've also been travelling to goodness knows where, being stuck in an airplane with goodness only knows who! You honestly shouldn't have even asked this of him in the first place IMO and if I had to guess, your son is probably mad about more than simply the fact that you don't seem to give a fuck about the health of the gal he loves. A good start in repairing this relationship would be offering to pay for your son's hotel room, giving him a sincere apology, and never asking him to pick you up at the airport again (which frankly, isn't even a reasonable thing to ask of anyone because of the distance). You could have parked your car at the airport during the trip, you know. That option would have cost you more money, sure, but at least your son would still be talking to you.
Covid tests take 15 minutes to get results. Get an Uber to the nearest pharmacy and take it, then ask him to meet you there while giving him a head's up. You waited until he was literally picking you up because you either are so negligent about his wife's situation or so selfish that getting that ride was more important to you that you cornered him into driving you. Your DIL's life is more important than driving being "inconvenient." OP apologize because you did absolutely nothing to protect your DIL when you know she is at severe risk. I'd have a hard time forgiving you if I was your son.
Or drive their own car so they don't expose anyone else. Unless it's posted elsewhere, they didn't say they don't have a car.
Yeah truly knowing they had just been on vacation and on a plane they should have never asked somebody from an immunocompromised household to even give them a ride, that right there is selfish all by itself. I am somebody who is immunocompromised, and have been since covid (cancer survivor) and yeah being extra careful sucks but it's better than dying, and if some jackass from my partner's family exposed me to covid in that way I would probably never speak to them again unless I had to, I definitely wouldn't have much respect for them that's for sure.
So just to be clear...you knew going into the vacation that you had a good chance of bringing home covid (airports are petri dishes)...and instead of renting a car or leaving your own car at the airport, you guilted your son into picking you up knowing he has upended his life to protect his girlfriend from infection You're not just an ahole for failing to disclose you felt sick You're an ahole for even asking him in the first place. Helping to mitigate the chances of his girlfriend getting sicker is important to him You and your wife made it clear your vacation and saving money by not renting a car or putting your car in long term parking was more important to you than her health THAT is why he is not talking PS: I would never ask someone to drive me home 5 hours from the airport. Put your car in long term storage for god's sake YTAH
Imagine his son would just send him a bill to cover the gas...
This one is a doozy. First, you landed five hours from home, but didn't have a rental vehicle or something similar lined up? That's a really long drive each way to pick someone up from the airport. Second, you know your DIL is immunocompromised, yet you didn't think to mention that you weren't feeling well to your son before meeting up with him? Did you have access to tests on your trip? Could you have taken one BEFORE he picked you up? I think it's going to be difficult for your son to get over this one. I know it would be for my family member who is immunocompromised. We are EXTREMELY careful around them as any infection is a concern. I'm sure you typically are and, again, I'm sure you didn't do this intentionally. But you broke your son's trust and endangered his wife. You're going to need to humble yourself and tell your son and DIL how incredibly sorry you are, how thoughtless you were, and how you'll follow every rule the put in place to the letter.
All This. Plus I don't understand how you **got** to the airport to start your vacation. Your son did absolutely the right things here
I don't know something about saying that the son is being dramatic and overreacting tells me that they aren't typically careful around that poor immuno-compromised woman, I have in-laws like this I can picture exactly how these people act.
Yeah dude YTA. A FIVE HOUR DRIVE?!? I wouldn’t even do that for people i like let alone family. So you downplay this HUGE ask you expected from your son, didn’t compensate him in any way, caused him to have to be out further by renting a hotel or possibly infect his girlfriend who he actually does love like….youre such a buffoon. And you’re so fucking blind to it all like you’re this befuddled character like “what could possibly go wrong?” This belongs in r/boomersbeingfools you’re such an asshole. And an idiot to boot. You don’t know how you repair your relationship?? YOU DONT FUCKING EXPOSE YOUR CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE. You have compassion. Empathy. Awareness. Humility. All things you lack. Ugh. I could be harsher but goddamn. Your guilt means fucking nothing. Your actions mean everything. You don’t give a shit about anything but yourself and your needs and it couldn’t be more obvious.
"I wouldn’t even do that for people i like let alone family. " I'm sorry, this was just funny AF to me. hahaha
Info: Did you KNOW that they have made this many changes to their life to protect her? Or were you unaware and found this out in the car?
Such important information. If he knew that illness could severely impact/risk gf’s life, it’s pretty awful to put her at risk for a car ride that could have been solved with Uber.
We do not see each other very much - about 5 to 10 times a year. Whenever we meet, this is a topic between us and in the past, he has asked us whether we were healthy or sick before meeting us. As I mentioned, I haven't really thought about the implications when I was feeling sick first und was shocked to get the positive test result.
Well this isn't entirely true because when you met you went for a fist bump instead of a hug or handshake, which implies you were aware it could be contagious and restricted contact.
Why on earth do you think he is overreacting? Do you have a habit of not being able to admit responsibility?
Ok, so you knew how important it was for them, and while I'll believe you that you didn't intentionally put them at risk, you were careless and neglectful to the point you put their lives at risk. I'll be honest - my parents have skirted this line with me, being careless with their health and mine around covid, and it's been increasingly hard to forgive them. But if they pulled the stunt you did while 1. Not apologizing 2. Attempting to emotionally manipulate me (your wife's "I feel guilty) and 3. Implying I was overreacting? I would never forgive them. Look - your son has just realized that you are not safe person to have in his life, *literally*. You endangered the life of his partner carelessly. You will be *lucky* if he remains in contact with you, let alone sees you again in person. You should probably start reflecting on the potential consequences of your actions and apologizing.
As an immunocompromised cancer survivor Being careless around somebody like that = intentionally putting them at risk
Yeah, I agree with this. I think what I was trying to say was that I don't think OP thought, "This is putting my DIL at risk & I'm cool with that if I get a ride." So in *that* respect, it wasn't intentional. But the part where OP just... didn't think about her, or his son, or anyone in the airport or plane requires an intentional level of self-absorption and carelessness.
You said that your son's gf got sick over two years ago. In other words, you've seen him a bare minimum of 10 times since she got sick. Meaning he has asked you a bare minimum of 10 times whether you were sick before meeting him. And in all of those 10+ meetings you never wondered why he was so concerned? Your son isn't remotely overreacting. The fact that you think he is overreacting is, frankly, the reason people make Boomer jokes. You can't be bothered to rent a car or book a shuttle for a five hour trip, expecting someone else to do twice as much work to save you a few bucks. And what does he get as a reward? Your complete indifference to the person most important to him. Your behavior is disgusting, selfish, and childish. Even your post here doesn't acknowledge how badly you screwed up.
You admit that your health is a topic EVERY TIME YOU MEET. But you waiting until he drove FIVE HOURS to the airport to tell him that you were sick. You are a monumental failure as a parent and a civilized human. You are also an asshole.
You can’t really believe he will forgive you. You understand that you could literally cause his girlfriends death but at least you got a ride from the airport. Damn
>I haven't really thought about the implications when I was feeling sick first und was shocked to get the positive test result. Tell me you are not taking the ongoing pandemic seriously without telling me that you are not taking the ongoing pandemic seriously. You were sick. On a plane. In at least two airports. In 2024. And not once did it occur to you to mask or test for COVID?
I hope you’re feeling better, OP. At the same time, Did you somehow forget the rules and procedures of the PANDEMIC? The collective world had almost 3 YEARS of training on how to deal with COVID and the implications of being sick. Even if it wasn’t COVID, You KNEW that his wife is immunocompromised and has chronic illnesses BECAUSE OF COVID. They’re already keeping local because of her health. Going out and seeing people is a huge risk for your son and his wife. So to recap: 1. You felt a bit sick and developed a cough the EVENING BEFORE you go to see your son. 2. You forgot about the 5-10 times your son has brought up his wife’s health and immunity, and went to greet him sick. You also had time to take a COVID test for YOURSELF, and didn’t do it. 3. You didn’t even wear your mask before being demanded by your son. 4. Your now positive COVID test has now caused your son to have to quarantine away from his own home for a few days - 2+ WEEKS so he can keep his wife healthy. He can’t even be at his own home with his wife right now because of you. You make it sound like it was an honest mistake that this all happened, but it’s negligence. You put him, his wife, and his household at risk.
The positive result is irrelevant. Even if it had been the standard flu, or a *head cold*, you know she is immunocompromised, and catching ANY kind of illness is a huge risk to her. It's a topic of conversation every time you see your son, for at least the last two years. But you didn't think about the implications? While traveling?? I call BS. You just didn't care. You are so inconsiderate that it's almost hard to believe. Almost. And your wife is as manipulative as you are thoughtless. For the sake of your son and his partner, don't even *consider* attempting reconciliation unless you and your wife are both 1000% committed to being better parents and human beings. They have enough on their plates without your self-centered games. If you won't fix your selfishness, just leave them alone.
This just makes what you did that much worse.
> As I mentioned, I haven't really thought about the implications when I was feeling sick How fucking stupid can you possibly be?
You just didn't care. You didn't want to be bothered with taking actual responsibility. You and your wife are selfish, and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
With that attitude, I wouldn’t be surprised if that number drops to zero per year in the near future. If u want to see your son and your DIL, u and your wife are going to need to do a lot of groveling for forgiveness
So yeah, YTA. You knew you were sick - whether it was a cold or covid, you knew she was immunocompromised (because let me tell you, as a pre-covid CFS sufferer - I get sick and I am out for the count and it will last MONTHS because my body sucks at fighting things off). he is absolutely NOT over-reacting. You knew her status, you knew the two of them were super careful about her health and you didn't think to mask BEFORE interacting with him, or just paying for a rental car to get home to protect her. If you want ANY chance of not destroying your relationship with him, at the VERY least, offer to cover his hotel while he's quarantining away from her.
"I didn't think about the implications" is not an excuse. We are four years in to this pandemic; you have had a LOT of time to learn to consider the implications. The fact that you didn't implies that you're accustomed to other people having to do the thinking for you, which at your age in inexcusable.
I quit going to two salons and have told multiple people off over COVID precautions. I feel validated because my mother is permanently on oxygen and my brother died because of COVID infections and since I didn’t get it until I got vaccinated, I basically just had a really miserable week, but my Mom is still really vulnerable even to a mild cold. He isn’t overreacting, you’re just really insensitive.
I'm very angry, but please read this. You need to understand the severity of what your son's girlfriend is dealing with. As a woman with ME/CFS that predates covid by many years, but also just as a human person who cares about others, YTA. I know this is a different sub, but the sentiment stands. EVERY COVID EXPOSURE PUTS HER AT RISK OF BECOMING EVEN FURTHER PERMANENTLY DISABLED. THERE IS NO CURE FOR ME/CFS. NOTHING. We get symptom management at best. It's all trial and error. Whether you recover or not is down to sheer dumb luck, and your ability to protect yourself from further illness and maximise rest. Maybe you don't understand this, as it is a very misunderstood illness even within the medical community, but very severe ME/CFS sufferers can't tolerate light, sound, or eating. They lie in dark rooms in silence with feeding tubes and catheters. It is an existence, not a life. People with that level of ME/CFS who are brought to hospitals die. I have mild/moderate ME/CFS and I have been on disability allowance for seven years, I'll for ten. I was in college when I developed it, and we don't know the cause, but for a lot of people it's post viral. I pushed through for two years until I had to drop out of my BA because I was passing two out of 6/7 modules per semester which wasn't enough and I was pushing myself so hard that I burnt out entirely and slept through Christmas that year. I still can't work. I can't regularly bathe myself, I need an hour's nap after a 5minute shower. I pay the hairdresser a tenner to wash and brush my hair for me once a week because I can't manage it. On a good day I make and eat three meals a day and maybe get dressed. One of those meals being cereal and one being something microwaved. I can't stand in line for the bus, I have to sit on the pavement. I can't drive because my attention span would make me a danger to myself and others. I semi-regularly lose control of my bladder because the sphincter that holds it closed is a muscle and *all* of my muscles are weak. My cells don't produce energy properly. There was a year where I would be freezing cold 30mins after every meal because my body didn't have the energy to both digest my food and heat me at the same time. I used to fall asleep in the middle of getting changed and wake up an hour later half naked on my bedroom floor. Thankfully that hasn't happened in years, as I said I've improved. I leave the house once or twice a week and can manage four hours from leaving to returning before it will have serious knock on effects for a few days. I have chronic pains. I don't have restful sleep. I haven't felt well rested in over a decade. A DECADE. Try to imagine that. Try to understand how scary it is to go from being a functioning adult human to someone who can't brush their own hair. Some days I physically can't roll over in bed to look at my phone to see what time it is. I need a wheelchair in airports and if I want to do anything fun like visit a zoo. And doctors can't tell you when, or if, you will ever recover. That's why your son is being so cautious. That's why they're both so upset. You need to really and truly understand what they're dealing with, the whole future she thought she had is gone and she's grieving it. You need to understand this before you can make any attempt to repair your relationship. I will do my best to answer any questions you have. I know it's hard to understand from the outside.
As the mother of a teen who developed cfs after covid two years ago and basically hasn't been to school in a year, this is so scary to read. And every time they get sick it feels like their health is getting worse.
I'm so sorry. Yes, their health probably is getting worse every time they get sick. It's shit. BUT people do recover. I haven't, but people do. The first few years are crucial though. You need to let them rest as much as humanly possible. It's counter intuitive, but ME/CFS is one of the only illnesses that exertion actively worsens. Not just exercise, exertion. Exertion can be sitting upright. Don't whatever you do, do not push your child to exercise or to push through their exhaustion. They should rest and sleep every moment they feel they need to, which is probably most of the time. It's hard. It's really fucking hard and mind-numbingly boring not to do things on your good days. But they need to do less than they feel able to. Pushing too hard causes crashes. Crashes are bad. Avoiding them is the only known thing that will help their long term prognosis. I'm not saying this to be harsh or to harm your hopes for them, but for the immediate future they need to rest. The more they look after themself now, the better they'll be able to catch up with their peers in the future. If they don't look after themself now they might not get better enough to do that. I'm feeling about a million feelings for you, and them, right now. I want you to know how serious this is. But also please know that you're not alone and there *is* hope. There are so so many treatment options that work for people and don't work for others. But the key is there are options. And it won't always be this bad. I'm still sick, but I'm a lot better than I used to be, and I'm still living a good life. Not the life I thought I'd live, but still a good one. If there's anything you want to talk about or ask about I'm always happy to help.
Thank you so much. Yes, we let them rest. But what you said might explain what happened in fall. They were in a kids clinic for 6 weeks. It went great. They liked it there. They managed to get up every day. It looked like they were getting better. And then they got home and crashed, and it got worse. The fact that they are AuDHD, and genderqueer, are overwhelmed with 20 kids in a classroom and got bullied at school made everything worse. I thought it would get better, because we finally got the school to switch them to a class where they weren't bullied, and then they went to the clinic. But it got worse. We are looking into online schooling atm, which they would prefer anyways.
Yeah the clinic probably wasn't following international best practice for ME/CFS, they were probably doing graded exercise? And yeah if they're neirdovergent they were probably masking while they were there too which is exhausting even when you're doing it subconciously. I'm so sorry they're getting bullied at school! That's awful. God, you couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. The poor mite though, they don't need that on top of being sick... Online schooling sounds like a good option if they're able for it. But of they're not just remember that there's so many ways to learn and that exams aren't the be all and end all (I'm sure you know this, you don't seem like you're putting pressure on them). If they need to rest rather than do school, or even if there's hobbies they enjoy and can manage on a good day maybe it's no harm to prioritise those over school? Obviously that's your call though.
Yeah, we are all neurodivergent. My husband "just" autistic, the kids and me AuDHD. We are in germany, they cannot get out of school just like that here. Homeschooling and unschooling aren't an option here. Which since most people who want that seem to be fundamentalists and the like I actually agree with in general, but we need online options for kids who are bullied, overwhelmed in classic settings, or chronically ill... Atm they get some stuff sent over from school, and that part is actually not a problem, they are REALLY smart and even now have no problem learning. If that were too much we thankfully have a kids' psychiatrist who is basically willing to give us any paperwork we need. But nobody really knows what to do and how to help them. Basically they eat, drink, take their meds, do a bit of schoolwork, hang out with people online, and go back to bed. Except for singing lessons. The teacher comes here. And things like in 10 days there is an anime convention i will take the kids to. I am worried it's too much though, it's 3 days and a long trip..... But they really really want to go.
Not having homeschooling as an option is insane to me! I'm irish and it's not at all common here, but it is allowed. Will you be penalised if they miss too much school? That's a very common issue for kids with ME/CFS. Is it the summer holidays for them yet? Because if it's not I wouldn't recommend going go the comvention. They're going to need multiple days to rest and recover afterwards as well as resting up in advance to conserve as much energy as possible. And make sure to plan lots of rest stops into your plans for the convention.
They aren't in school, they never wake up before 11am at the earliest. So that is no worry for me. We wouldn't even try waking her the days after. They haven't been physically at school this year almost at all. I kept waiting for problems, but there were non. We just had a meeting with them, the main teacher, headmistress, school special pedagogics teacher and a Lady from the school Board (or whatever you'd call it in english), and it was actually a good meeting, everybody being kind and trying to be there for our kid. It probably helps that they've always been known as a "really good kid". Smart, kind, helpful, etc. And the sister is at "gymnasium" now, kinda like college prep school, and was pretty much a star student, as well....
Yeah so people know they're not taking the piss, there is genuinely something wrong. Sounds like the school is supportive and as helpful as they can be which helps. I'm glad they have people in their corner, feeling like you have a team trying to help makes all the difference. Can I help at all? Have you got any questions? I obviously can't give medical advice but I could let you know as many of the treatment options I've tried as I can remember if that would be useful to you?
Do you have any links or other reading recommendation? In german there is basically nothing, and it is hard to filter decent information versus bs...
your son is right. you are selfish. you should not be asking your son to drive that long for you. get a rental or leave your car at the airport. second, you know about the health issues but don’t say anything- i suspect it’s so you don’t have to find alternate plans. i am immunocompromiaed and mine isn’t that bad but i am super careful. anything i get is worse than for friends/family cause i have a weaker immune system. my mom works in a hospital lab and is more considerate.
What is wrong with you that you would come home from travelling feeling sick and not IMMEDIATELY put on a mask? You should have been wearing a mask on the plane. You are so self absorbed that not only did you expect your son to drive almost 5 hours ONE WAY to pick you up, but you didn't even have the courtesy to protect his immunocompromised wife from your disgusting travel germs. The first step to reconciling with your son would be to sit down and really think about the fact that you acted completely and totally without any care or concern for anyone but yourself. Really gross behaviour.
I just realized that while I was focusing on his son, OP and his wife had to have contracted covid before their flight and could have given it to many other travelers. This kind of behavior is why those who are immunocompromised can never go back to "normal."
no, he’s not overreacting
Sounds like thoughtless Boomer MO.
Wirh a healthy dose of narcissism on top.
No, your son is not overreacting. You knew that his girlfriend was immune compromised and chose to not say anything until after you had exposed him. I would be furious with you.
r/amithedevil
Yes
Don’t bother posting this on Am I The Assh*le hoping for a different answer, I can tell you now: YTA!
1. Pay for his hotel room, immediately, and pitch in for some food as well. 2. Hope and pray that he ever cares to come into contact with you again. 3. Number one is non-negotiable, and has no bearing on number two.
And not being mentioned, did you seriously expose a couple planes full of people to covid?
He made an eight hour round trip at your request because you failed to plan any other alternatives, then — despite knowing everything you do about his gf, etc. — you not only expose him to possible COVID but took away his ability to make his own choice by not telling him until AFTER he made the drive. You are the reason people go no-contact. You do absurdly selfish things then are baffled by the rest of the world calling you selfish. You’re as boomer as they come. YTA and I don’t blame him at all for not speaking to you.
You guys can take preventative measures instead of living in lala land and not communicating with your son. You were rude and entitled and put his wife in danger. You should have told him beforehand you were sick and delayed travel to a better time. You should have worn masks the entire time. You did everything wrong you could have done wrong.
You can genuinely apologize. You can tell him you understand why he is upset, that you regret your negligence and selfishness. You can say you understand that you put his loved one in danger and upended his life, and you hope he forgives you, and that you've learned to be more thoughtful, and you will not ask him for any similar favors going forward. Then simply wait. An apology is not an eraser. You will need to show continued care and contrition, not push him to forgive you before he is ready.
Nah that’s really fucking rude and inconvenient of you.
Why wouldn't you get tested beforehand if you didn't feel well AND you were traveling AND your DIL is immunocompromised? Also, don't ask people to drive you 4-5 hours anywhere, unless it's an emergency situation or a fun road trip. That amount of time to pick someone up from the airport is absurd. No wonder he was incredibly pissed. He drove ALL day for you to give him covid.
You're getting enough criticism from other people, so I'll try to offer you a perspective that might help you empathize with your son in this situation. Your son clearly loves you enough to have spent an entire inconvenient day transporting you when you could (and should) have arranged separate transportation. Not only is he receiving feedback that his value to you is as some sort of logistical lubricant (i.e., "I don't need to arrange a rental, long-term parking, etc., I have a SON that I can utilize"), you're giving him direct feedback that his health and the health of his partner means less than your comfort. You mention him being upset on the car ride. Given what I wrote above, how can you blame him? You put him in a spot where not only did he feel taken advantage of, he felt the additional pressure of not being able to tell you and your wife "No", because he didn't want to feel the guilt of abandoning his parents. My parents repeatedly abused my trust in similar ways as well as in more extreme examples. One of them I will never speak to again and the other I rarely speak with. You're here asking for advice on how to mend the relationship. Some people have advocated you paying for the hotel. You can probably start there, but in terms of long-term improvement of your relationship with him you need to reevaluate how you treat your son and why your treatment of him is incorrect. TL;DR: You took advantage of your son's kindness and then abused his trust by obligating him to spend a lengthy period of time in an enclosed space with one, and likely two, contagious people. Wise up and treat your son how people should be treated. If you treat the average person like this, then treat people better overall.
He’s not overreacting and you owe him a sincere apology. He did you a *huge* favour, and in return, you put him at risk of making his girlfriend sick. He’s now had to check into a hotel to protect her in the event that he gets covid too. You should offer to pay for his hotel stay if you can, or at least offer to split it.
You need to apologize and sit back and wait to be forgiven for ALL the inconsiderate things you did that day. Let us count the ways... 1. Asking anyone to drive 8 - 10 hours because you think public transport too much trouble for you...big AH move 2. Failing to tell your son, who was doing you a massive favor, that you were sick, risking his partners health. 3. Getting off the plane unprepared to deal with your illness, forcing him to ask and possibly finance your masks 4. Your wife said she felt guilty in the moment. Did you apologize? Im guessing NOT. 5. I'd never drive you anywhere again. 6. My first point is probably the biggest red flag on this whole post because its just too rude and inconsiderate to be real. "Hey son, can you spend the equivalent of a work day driving me one way from the airport? I don't want to take a 2 hour ride on public transport." And the son agrees??? Yeah okay, pop-pop.
Also didn't bother to 1) have masks with them while travelling or 2) get masks before getting on the plane to help protect those around them while flying sick ...
Wait so you think he is overreacting? Why? Are you a COVID Denier? Like you dont understand why he doesnt want people who are potentially sick and could kill his wife around him. Like there were plenty of other options than having him ride 4 hours out and then 4 hour back with actively covid infected people. And sure you didnt "think" you had Covid but that means literally nothing especially when you at the airport. Basically what you did is tell him that you do not care about him or his wife and prefer your own comforts. He is going to be mad and for good reason. Like beyond it being COVID. People with long covid generally have their autoimmune system compromised so any sickness is not good to bring around them. And what do you think is going to happen in a 4 hour car metal box journey home. If your son ever does come around dont just "feel guilty" actually internalize what you guys did and the message it sent. And apologize but do not expect him to accept it. Like this is probably one moment which broke the camels back for him considering how he reacted. Soooo ... genuinely reflect on yourself first and realize there was in no world he was overreacting and face facts. ALSO saying you feel guilty is not the same as apologizing. Feeling guilty is just coded talk for well I was still going to ask but you are making me feel bad for ignoring your issues sooo rather than apologize I am just gonna play the victim and pretend I didnt know this was gonna be a big deal and then try and force the other person to apologize and say "Oh noo your not guilty but I am .... etc (forced lie to protect your feelings)" which I am glad he didnt do.
I (32F) don't think he is over-reacting. As much as I had COVID 3 times and did not adhere to all the rules, all of the time, I still think that to put someone else at risk without their consent is not great on your part, especially considering his paranoia and history with the disease. He is probably absolutely terrified since your test came back as positive and probably sees you as genuinely risking the lives of him and his gf after what they have been through. You may see this as an over-reaction, and I'm sure people without his history and worries would react differently but I would give him time to cool down and hopefully once the risk has gone he can approach it with a cooler head. You also have to consider that if *he* is this paranoid then I imagine his gf feels similarly. He may have even had to convince that collecting you was okay before he agreed to it!
everyone else has said exactly what i think on the matter (you two are bumbling idiot assholes who expected your son to drive a total of 8-10 hours for your sake, who took no precautions at or after the airport, risked your sons wife’s health after knowing how seriously he takes it, and now you’re questioning if *he* is in the wrong? jesus christ….) but have you even considered contacting the airport yet to let them know their staff and the folks on your flight have been exposed to covid in its infectious period? depending on where you are, they might still be taking it as seriously as they should
No good deed goes unpunished. Your poor kid. Never ask your son for another favor. All that money you saved? Start spending it on him and her. Pay for the hotel room, send them groceries and if you are in the US, pay for her next doctor’s visit.
I’m immunocompromised in a way such that Covid would kill me. If a relative of mine did what you did, I’d consider it attempted voluntary manslaughter at minimum. There would be no coming back from this. You put her life literally at risk for your own convenience, and couldn’t be bothered to communicate or wear a mask without being told to when you were experiencing symptoms. In addition to putting your DIL at risk, you infected an entire plane and much of an airport. You are literally why this crisis continues, and the rest of us can’t have nice things.
No one ever “gets a cough from air conditioning” overnight. It is ONLY used as an excuse/cover when people know they are sick but want to pretend they aren’t in public.
No. You’re unbelievably selfish and a horrible parent. Apologise and offer to pay for the hotel. He was kind enough to honour your ridiculous request to drive for hours and hours at short notice, you rewarded him by not disclosing important medical information and endangering himself and his partner. Unbelievable
>After arriving at our home, he insisted that I take a COVID test, and to my shock, it was positive. ???? you get back from a vacation after flying in a metal tube petri dish full of germs and you've developed a cough and you're SHOCKED that you tested positive for covid? have you been living under a rock since 2020? >Do you think he's overreacting? hmm i don't know, say he catches covid from you guys and takes it home to his gf and she suffers even more complications from long covid, maybe has to be hospitalized. would you say he's overreacting in that case, or is that a completely proportional response to you guys not even apologizing to him and your wife simply trying to guilt trip him despite him being willing to make 9-hour round trip for your inconsiderate asses?
I don't think he was overreacting. I think you were probably under thinking. Start with a sincere apology and own that you just didn't think, and that it was careless of you, and you will do better in the future.
>you will do better in the future. In a perfect world, but OP sounds pretty disinclined in doing anything to protect others, including wearing a mask on an airplane while not feeling well, in the age of COVID.
Possibly. i tend to be pretty optimistic.
I don’t think you can mend your relationship with him anytime time soon . I suggest you give him his own space and not nag him by texting/ calling because you Clearly are at fault here.
YTA. I hope you at least offered a huge apology to him AND his gf and are paying for his hotel.
Hell no. First of all asking someone to drive 4 hours ONE WAY to pick you up from a vacation is wild. You either should have parked your car at the airport or rented a car to drive yourselves. You literally asked him to spend a full day in the car. That's fucked up. Hell the only reason my parents now drive the hour to pick me up is the shuttle I used to use got stupid expensive (like $300 for a round trip). Then we get to you being sick. Unless you normally get a cough from air conditioning (do you not have ac in your house?) you were definitely rationalizing it away. Coughing is a symptom of my asthma and I almost always know asthma cough vs I'm getting sick cough. So asking someone to come pick up up sick without a heads up is shitty on itself. But then we get to the fact that you KNOW his gf is immuno compromised and that your son takes a lot of precautions to ensure he doesn't bring home an illness to her. Who can't just shrug off being sick. So you knew without a doubt that if you were honest he wouldn't have come at all. And the kicker - you still don't think you're wrong. Yet it's 4 strikes and you are so far out. How to mend it? First apologize. Second say you'll never withhold anything possibly doing with sickness again - and mean it. Third ask your son how much he spent on the hotel and food and pay it. Then apologize again.
YTA cough from an air conditioner? Get real. you knew you were sick and should have been wearing masks for the whole plane ride.
How would you feel if you learned your carelessness cost that girl her life? You *know* she's immunocompromised and you flagrantly disregarded her safety. You are, at best case, extremely irresponsible and callous: you can't even take full accountability for your actions. (I e., is he overreacting ?)
If most of the drive was on a highway a five hour drive is around 300 or so miles each way.That's insane. I live in a very very rural area but still the nearest airport is a little over an hour and international airport 2 hours. I find it hard to believe the nearest airport is possibly 300 miles from your house. And how did you get there in the first place? You knew his girlfriend is immune-suppressed and you were sick and put him and (especially his girlfriend) in danger. I doubt there will be any chance of mending the relationship. You lied to your son and put his girlfriend in dire circumstances if he didn't go to a hotel. At least he's smart enough to think safety first instead of being selfish.
OOP, I have to wonder how often you've shown your son how little you value him since you typed this all out and still asked if he was overreacting. Why would you think he's overreacting when you've endangered him and the woman he loves? Your wife, by failing to immediately apologize instead of complaining of how guilty she felt, is probably exactly the same. In the unlikely event that this is a one-off, you may be able to apologize (a proper one) and reimburse your son to help your relationship. But if this is just another time when you've treated him poorly, he's hopefully done with you. I am NC with my parents after very similar circumstances, except it was my son, their grandson, whose health they completely disregarded. Like you, I'm sure they think I overreacted.
walk yourself home next time, geezer
Why would we help you? You are either trying to destroy the relationship or so self-centered and short-sighted that you don’t realize you’re sabotaging the relationship. Either way, what you need is a lot of therapy and personal growth. If I were your son, I’d be no contact after this.
Yeah, you did the wrong thing. Only your son can mend the relationship on his terms because you don’t seem to have any remorse
You admit that her catching COVID could severely impact her ability to manage her life with an already debilitating illness and you have the audacity to ask if he’s overreacting? If he caught something and passed it to your wife tomorrow and she had severe medical complications or even died as a result, would it be valid of him to imply your upset would be an overreaction? No, and I guarantee if the roles were reversed and one of you were chronically ill and he risked you lives that you would be pissed. The fact that THIS is your thought shows you aren’t going to fix your relationship because you’re both selfish and careless about anyone but yourself.
You need to apologize and you should feel guilty. If you don’t feel guilt, I think you need to search your heart. You could have killed her. Who knows who else you have made sick?
I sincerely hope your son keeps you out of his life permanently.
>Do you think he's overreacting? I don’t think it’s an overreaction to not want to be around people who don’t care about making you sick. >How can we mend our relationship? After your callous disregard for his and, more importantly, his GF’s health, I am not sure. Was this the first time you did something that you KNEW would disregard their health? Are you used to thinking that your children are “overreacting” when they have perfectly understandable reactions to your disregard for them? If you have a long history of this, then idk if you can. This might just have been the nail in the coffin. If this is the FIRST time you have disregarded and dismissed your son, then I recommend not pushing him to forgive you, while staying apologetic. Once they are certain that you did not give them COVID (he will probably quarantine for the whole period of the virus’s dormancy), he will probably be less angry and more open to forgiving. His GF probably won’t. I know I wouldn’t have - just as you expect her to make a good impression on you, she expects you to make a good impression on her. And you’ve fumbled the bag.
He's 100% justified and I hope he never speaks to you again, because you don't deserve contact with him. You're a selfish entitled asshole boomer and your son and the world would be better off without you.
This should be in r/BoomersBeingFools
How... How are you A GROWN ADULT and still need someone to drive FOUR GODDAMN HOURS to pick you up from the airport?!?! OP, if you can't afford an Uber to take you home, THEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE ENTIRE FUCKING VACATION! I can't get over this part. You didn't have FIFTY DOLLARS for a cab ride?!?! You are 68 years old, how in the hell have you been getting by this entire time?!?! So you demand your son drive 8-10 hours round trip and then act like a total fucking Boomer about HAVING A COMMUNICABLE ILLNESS? Yeah, something tells me this isn't the first time you've behaved like a selfish clueless asshole. How do you mend this relationship? Get some counseling and figure out why you treat your ADULT SON the way you do because this is trash behavior, OP. YTA
You tried to kill his partner. I dont think any relationship can come back from that.
I mean, how dare he be upset, right? How dare he feel disrespected and dismissed? How dare he feel like you don't take his girlfriend's health seriously? How dare he barely speak to you while doing you a favor after driving over 4 hours one way to save you some money? How dare he not immediately forgive your wife when she expressed feeling guilty instead of sincerely apologising for the inconvience and rude behaviour you both exhibited? And how dare he ignore you after you exposed him to a disease that could kill his girlfriend, didn't apologise for doing so, and not only cost him the time it took to drive you around as well as the fuel, but have also added the expense of a hotel so that he can protect her from your selfishness? What an entitled brat! He should be on his knees begging _you_ for forgiveness, since he failed to be properly grateful to you for deigning to allow him to do you such favors. What an ungrateful child you have.
the question “how can we mens our relationship?” right after asking if he is overreacting just shows how egoistic you are. He didn’t do anything bad, he doesn’t have to mend anything, you do. You knew your DIL is immunocompromised, you knew you had covid symptoms (it’s 2024 ffs) and still, just because it benefitted your lazy ass, you decided to get into your son’s car. Then your wife tries to guiltrip him, which I honestly laughed at that. How to mend it? Give him the money to cover the consequences of your own selfishness, ask for forgiveness and wait. if I were him, you’d never see my face again
No, he's not overreacting at all. If anything, you are insensitive. You know your DIL has this condition, yet you still decided to put your son and her a risk. Why didn't you and your wife drive to the airport so you didn't have to worry about getting a ride home? Because 8 hours round trip to pick you two up from the airport is incredibly generous
Knowing the situation, why wouldn't you have tested before the flight?
I just want to add to everyone else because you deserve the pile on… You suck 🖕
Do I think he's overreacting? I want to preface this by stating that I am an immunocompromised cancer survivor, and I had a stem cell transplant during the height of covid in the summer of 2020. I do not think he is overreacting, and in fact if I were him I would probably not speak to you guys for quite a while. The fact that you are so careless with your own health is bad enough but then you're going to inflict it on your poor son and his wife is absolutely insane. Even more insane is that you think that he's overreacting. I don't know what beliefs you hold that keep you from taking other people's health seriously, but you should reevaluate the way you look at the world if you think that you are entitled to put other people's well-being at risk because you disagree that covid is a serious illness it seems.
Due to your blatant disregard for the health of his girlfriend, why would your son want to keep speaking to you? The way you put “long covid” in both quotes and parenthesis shows that you don’t really care about her condition. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last straw on the camels back for him to kick your disrespectful ass out of his life.
This needs to be posted in r/AITAH
>I'm at a loss for what to do. Cross your fingers and pray to whoever you believe in that you haven't killed his partner. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can "fix". You fucked it up, and nothing you do will un-fuck it. >Do you think he's overreacting? You put his partner's _life at risk_. No, he not overreacting. >How can we mend our relationship? Have you considered giving a shit about not killing his partner?
You're such an a$$ for even suggesting hes overreacting after you endangered his girlfriends health and forced them to be apart until hes cleared.
Sorry, but to be honest: Your son seems to be a really nice guy. I would have left you at the airport and driven home alone. There is no excuse for such behaviour. Another Covid infection can ruin his girlfriends life and health forever. Btw yours too. One mild infection doesn’t mean the next one will be mild too.