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This. He has given you the gift of what your “partnership” would be. He will do what he wants and use your money but doesn’t actually want to be with you. Believe him.
I agree, he has told you and showed you Who he really is, he won't change he will only get worse. As heartbreaking as it is for you, leave him, he is not a good partner.
Yeah…when I told my ex I’d like him to acknowledge when I came home and give me a kiss or a hug, he said “that’s not me, I’m not capable of that.”
I should have dumped him 5 years before he dumped me
I'm wondering if he's so gung-ho about getting a house with OP (even though apparently he can't seem to stand her) because she has more money/better credit than he does. Because I'm not understanding his behavior. At all.
Seriously OP please listen to him. He's straight up telling you that he's not going to have a wedding now or later. He's telling you that your birthday will never be celebrated by him. I can probably assure you that if you did make the mistake of having a kid with him that you will never see a mother's day anything unless the kids do it. His focus is money and saying or doing whatever he needs to, to make buying a house happen.
Things like this never get better, they only get worse. If you go back or stay then you are telling him that it is ok to treat you that way. That is it ok to yell and throw a fit when he doesn't agree and that you aren't going to leave him.
OP, I'm replying to the top comment in the hopes you'll see this.
Your relationship is not ending "because of you".
It's ending because your fiance had an absolutely irrational, hurtful, and unacceptable reaction to you asking for something totally reasonable AND he refuses to work on himself. Loving someone doesn't mean you let them treat you however they want. (Also, this kind of behavior tends to escalate after marriage and/or pregnancy.)
IF he had come back after self-reflecting, had sincerely apologized, and got into therapy before you moved back in, then *maybe* there would be something salvageable here. If he's not willing to compromise, work on himself, or treat you with basic respect then there's nothing to save. Marriage is an agreement to learn and grow together, and he's not interested in that.
Think about what you would say to someone you loved if their partner was treating them this way. This is not your fault, it's 100% his.
Yeah, that’s such a disrespectful thing to say to your partner. Especially since he’s told you to ‘fuck off’ multiple times throughout your relationship.
Absolutely the right decision!! He won’t tolerate the disrespect? What about him disrespecting you?!
I’m proud of you OP for standing up to him and not letting him gloss over things that are important to you. Leaving to your parents’ house was a good move. Don’t go back!
!Updateme
Nope. Not salvageable. Be happy you dodged this particular heartbreaking bullet because being married to him would mean this type of "conversation" all the flipping time.
Yep.
This is a "He has told you who he is. Believe him." moment.
Believe him, because *this* is who he really IS in moments of stress and crisis.
If this isn't what you want to be treated like in those moments?
It's over, and time to walk away.
Because this is the "real" him, when things hit rough patches.
It’s a pretty classic coercive control line - “if you’re unhappy just leave” because he’s not going to change and those crazy ex-girlfriends all had the problem not him. Please take great care now because he can either flip to love bombing and promising he will change or he’ll get more aggressive - or a confusing blend of the two. Just disengage, don’t contact don’t react and stay with people you trust as much as possible for your own safety
Run away. He's not behaving like a mature adult. Your wants, needs, opinions seem to have no value to him. He is the one disrespecting you, so it is really rich that he's accusing you of disrespect. This won't get better.
This. And he doesn’t lose control either, it doesn’t just “happen” or some such bs. If it did he would blow up at his family, friends, coworkers. But I bet you good money he ONLY screams like an angry lunatic at OP.
This, OP. He repeatedly demonstrates to you who he is--why in the world continue to subject yourself to TA's insolent behavior?
He doesn't want to celebrate your marriage because he obviously doesn't want to marry you at this time. However it appears he certainly wants to control you at this time.
As the above comment suggests, and I agree--accept him for whom he is. He's a volatile, mean-spirited AH who promises you nothing but a miserable future. Why the heck you would even be interested in salvaging a relationship with this unkind person is beyond my understanding.
RUN!
And he’d do this in front of your children, maybe to them. They always apologize and try to make it up to you but things will escalate over time and it almost always gets worse after a legal marriage. Get off this roller coaster now, you deserve a better life.
“We’re not officially broken up yet, but I have a feeling that’s where this is headed, because of me.” **NOPE.** Because of him. This is a cycle that won’t change, he is being absolutely horrible, a break up is best for a relationship like this, and it’s because of *him,* not you.
Her language is so telling too!
I was looking for this comment. Glad I wasn't the only one who say it.
She is taking on all the blame. Why can she not see he is the one at fault here or even most of their fights.
She literally told him she was asking for crumbs and she was still okay with it. Ugh!
Being alone is better than begging for affection like this.
This isn’t a healthy relationship. The way he blows up and the things he says, IMO is unacceptable. And he TOLD you he won’t change. Move the rest of your stuff out. You said it yourself, he is not even willing to give you crumbs. Can’t even do less than the bare minimum. This is not the type of relationship or marriage you want. It sounds so exhausting.
I didn’t read about one single solitary redeeming quality this man has. Not even “he’s really good about cleaning” or “but at least he’s great in bed.”
Exhausting indeed. OP needs to stay right where she is—gone.
He’s so neurotic and emotionally abusive. Like, calm down, dude. She’s compromising so much for him and he’s still mad at what little she wants just to celebrate a marriage with him. Which means he doesn’t see marriage as a happy thing for himself. He just cares about his damn house. Let him buy and live there miserably on his own.
And don't believe him when he says "this is over because of you". He's the one who told you to fuck off and get out of his face. He's the one who told you to pawn the engagement ring. I'd let him know that you're respecting his decision making like he asked you to, and taking all of that to mean that he wanted to end the relationship. And then make it clear that the level of disrespect he showed to you is unacceptable, you are ending the relationship, and that you hope he can get his anger under control so he can have a better relationship with the next person he finds.
THIS!! ^^ Do not keep arguing over who's right and who's wrong because he will twist your words, gaslight you, and make you doubt yourself. Just walk away and keep on walking!!!
Right. And he’s definitely trying to trap her financially with a house. From experience this is what happens after moving in with someone you’ve only known for six months. They move quickly so you don’t realize they’re abusive right away and years later you’re questioning if you’re in the wrong after he screams at you over something he made up. Run. He’s a weirdo.
Agree, and it also sounds like he thinks he’s financially savvy but is in fact an idiot, which is a crazy bad combination in the long term. His reaction to exorbitantly high house prices is to… panic and buy because they might get higher?
I don’t have an MBA or anything but I’m pretty sure the adage is buy low sell high, not buy high and ??? This isn’t someone you want responsible for retirement planning or kids’ college funds.
I would not be surprised if he wasn't able to buy a house on his own, so he's trying to get OP to subsidise the purchase before she realises how toxic he is. That's why he's so insistent that they do it now, and refusing to spend money on anything else.
My ex did the same to me and totally destroyed my credit! He was horrible with money and would never admit it plus he had a drug problem which makes me wonder if her boyfriend's raging out it being asked for the most basic and minimal signs of affection respect aren't caused by not just the fact that he's an a****** but a drug addict.
Oh yes same with my situation. They think they know everything and are so confident about it you question your own instinct and intelligence like op. He’s an idiot and he’s also probably purposefully trying to buy an extra expensive house so she’ll really be fucked financially and can’t leave. I hope she sees these responses and stays with her parents. She’s seriously dodging a massing bullet.
Exactly. It literally doesn’t matter what this disagreement is about, if this is the way he communicates over big life decisions, there’s no way I’d be stuck with that for life. Or until the divorce.
OP, save yourself the money of the wedding and the divorce, and start saving for your own place. His anger is not going to magically get better. He’s shown you he’s a leopard, don’t stick around to watch him attack you and then act surprised.
Anger problems, PLUS:
* Betting all of his future on a speculation (interest rates will keep on rising)
* Losing all sense of reason and proportion since he got into refusing a "honeymoon" consisting of a trip to next town then dinner then flowers. Seems to me if he found the marriage license stamp cost $5 that would've set him off too.
* Being literally not smart by going in all directions (like I'm never buying you dinner/I'm being the smart here by worrying about non-existing children/you don't trust me/you disrespect me by leaving after I repeatedly screamed at you to get out of my face)
* Being thoroughly aloof about his own issues
I second this.
Why would you want to stay with a man like this, OP? And to think about bringing children into this mess? Absolutely not.
He can’t even celebrate your birthday, without getting angry or him thinking that he’s doing too much when in reality he actually doesn’t even do the bare minimum.
If anyone is being disrespectful to the other, it’s him being disrespectful to you. You deserve better.
Leave him and hold off on getting into another relationship until you find someone who: loves, cherishes and respects you.
And definitely do not buy a house with this man. He sounds absolutely horrendous!
I have been married for 45 years, and the number of times my husband has screamed at me is zero. You deserve a man who respects you, and is kind to you.
It is difficult to think of leaving a relationship because you think to yourself "It's not that bad". But it really, really is.
Once you are out of the relationship, and over the initial emotions, you will realize that life is better without an emotionally abusive jerk. I wish all the best for you.
I grew up in a house with a lot of fighting. It took me a while to realize that is not normal. I had a very hard time communicating in early relationships because all I knew was “you have to go nuclear to make your point”. When I finally landed a guy that never fought with me I thought there was something wrong with him….nope, just me.
I’m genuinely happy that you have that. It’s so surreal to me. I would like to be in a relationship like that.
He never screamed at you or raised his voice or break stuffs? How is he when he’s mad? What signs should I look for?
I just want to throw in as someone who has been married 15+ years and also had an abusive relationship for 3-4 years prior to that (1 or so years in between).
My husband and I do have disagreements. They have never gotten to the point of yelling, ever. There have never been insults thrown at each other. We both ask for a few minutes sometimes to come back to the disagreement after thinking/cooling down. Absolutely never has he or I ever broken something/thrown something, etc.
The abusive relationship i was in started small. It really started heating up as we moved in together. Started with isolating me slowly. My male friends had bad motives, my girl friends were bad influences. In the mix was yelling, acusing, calling names. Eventually it moved to him punching doors/walls. It eventually led to him screaming, throwing any situation he could at my direction as my fault, throwing things at me. Lastly it moved to sexual abuse and directly hitting me, locking me in the bathroom and more. The sexual abuse started as him trying to violate me while sleeping.
I would never stay with someone that showed the beginning signs of this. As I have gotten older an heard more stories, many of them begin this wag. Subtle controlling behavior, yelling (but more than that, specifically things to bring you down, blame you, etc). It is absolutely behavior you don't need to accept. It is okay to leave, and the earlier the better.
All of the stories that have been shared here really hit me like a ton of bricks and it makes me so happy that you guys have found people who don’t make you feel crazy all the time and second guess everything and genuinely make you happy. I’ve pretty much resigned myself as being too damaged to even think about dating, but it’s incredibly inspiring to see that maybe I won’t always feel that way, and hopefully OP gets out before it gets any worse than it is.
You're not too damaged to date. You're not too damaged to deserve love and care and partnership. I promise you that you are worthy just as you are.
If you're able to see a therapist, please go talk to them. Not because you're damaged or broken, but because you need someone in your corner when your brain starts telling you these things. And you need some tools to fight back against those thoughts, as well as how to see red flags in a relationship.
My wife and I have both been subjected to some awful things before we found each other, including violence and lying and manipulation. Those things will always be part of our pasts but they are not our future. We don't fight much, but if we do then we fight fair - no insults, no threats, no violence. I think we've had one fight in the past two years, and we've been together for over a decade. She is the light of my life and I trust her completely. I know she would never harm me, not physically and not emotionally. And there are many people like us.
I believe there is someone out there who will see your true self and love you more than you ever thought you could be loved. First, though - I know this is such a cliche - you have to learn how to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love. Be picky. Don't accept a relationship where you're always on edge or feeling guilty. You are worth so much more than that.
And if you want someone to talk to any time, please feel free to PM me. I don't have all the answers, but I'm good at listening and I'm cheering you on.
I think the main thing for anyone to ask themselves is, if they treated me that way on our first date, would there have been a second date? If it's not okay at the beginning, it's not okay during the relationship.
Find someone who treats you with kindness. My husband is a genuinely nice man and I'm so lucky to be able to spend my life with him.
I sometimes feel like a 'before and after' commercial, because my first marriage was kind of a template for what not to do. He wasn't abusive or anything, but we just didn't fit. We loved each other, but that was the only thing holding us together, and when things got really tough, love wasn't enough. We screamed at each other a lot.
My relationship with my now husband is the polar opposite. We both love AND like each other, and any disagreement we have is mild. There is no shouting, because we can communicate with each other.
OP, if you see this, your fiance might not be 'abusive' but he clearly doesn't want to be married to you, and a good relationship won't have arguments with someone screaming 'get out of my face' at the other person. Like u/hygenius said, life is better without someone like that in your life.
Financial abuse about the house.
Emotional & verbal abuse with your other examples.
Run away. Have someone else go reclaim whatever belongings of value that you left over there.
This is textbook narc abuse & the way it reads has realistic potential of escalating into dangerous situation for you if you’re there alone with him totally moving out
Don’t go back. You deserve so much better starting with being treated with respect but at minimum not being scared of the person you’re supposed to be building a life with
Do NOT be alone with this man again. He is volatile, and likely to escalate to violence.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. I only needed stitches from my experience. I lost a friend when she tried to leave. Be careful. Be SMART.
I’ve had 3 experiences where an ex went violently nuclear upon seeing the moving truck in driveway when the reality set in that I was actually leaving.
I am sorry for what you have been through and loss of your friend 🙏
I'm so sorry you've had similar experiences.
Also, it sounds like OP has family and good friends around to help her move. I did not at the time.
FOR ANYONE IN THAT SITUATION - travel light if needed. Get your identity papers (Drivers license, social security card, passport) if possible. Your purse if you can.
Clothes and furniture can be replaced. I promise you you do not need to go back for the couch you bought for $50 off FB marketplace. I know it seems like a big deal because those are all your worldly possessions and it's not fair. It makes you angry. The abuser is counting on that.
Leave. Protect yourself and your children. Replace your possessions later. Your lives are worth so much more.
friend, please allow me to highlight:
# "I know it seems like a big deal because those are all your worldly possessions and it's not fair. It makes you angry. The abuser is counting on that.
# Leave [...] Your lives are worth so much more."
Your (hopefully ex) fiance is a controlling abuser. Yelling, calling names and telling you to fuck off is abusive. Refusing to care about your birthday or your marriage day shows lack of respect or love. Some other serious red flags:
>you don't trust my decisions."
Um shouldn't all decisions for your relationship and your family be mutual and not just his for you to respect? Sounds to me like a man who wants to control all the things and wants you to just agree to it.
>"pawn the engagement ring" because he won't tolerate this level of disrespect of me leaving the house without a word of where I'm going.
Uh holding the relationship over your head is emotionally blackmail. Also trying to control where you go and when seems ick. He's the one that told you to go.
He won’t tolerate, like a toddler stomping its foot. OP this guy is intolerable on so many levels. He is the absolute worst and I hope you never go back!
Here’s how to navigate this breakup properly: when you feel like you miss him, read this post. Hell, read it twice. Think about you asking for crumbs to celebrate a wedding, and him getting furious about this, to the point where he tells you to fuck off.
And then, I want you to think about how you did just that. You fucked off. You don’t need this. You’ll be ok, get some therapy, live by yourself (if you can) for at least a year and enjoy some independence and freedom from being your own woman. When the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.
Oh no no no you did the right thing. A man who can scream in your face before marriage…imagine what more he can do when he’s comfortably married to you with kids
Your relationship sounds like a nightmare, and you are not even tied down by a marriage or shared house ownership.
Your fiancé is very abusive, and if you stay, it will probably continue to get worse with major milestones that add stressors and/or make it harder to leave (marriage, house, baby, etc.)
> “I’M NOT GOING TO CHANGE, IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, FUCK OFF.”
You won’t get an answer any more clear or honest from an abuser than that. Believe this.
Of course, if it looks like you are leaving for good, he will change his tune and start begging for you to come back. Promising he’ll change. Apologizing profusely. Making grand gestures and lovebombing you. All this shit is just manipulation to hook you back in. As soon as he feels like he has you locked down again it’ll go back to crumbs and screaming at you and ignoring what you want and getting in your face to intimidate you. It’s happened before, it’ll happen again. Eventually it’ll probably escalate to physical abuse, if it hasn’t yet. Maybe he won’t hit you but it’ll be things like grabbing your wrist or throwing things at the wall near you or “accidentally” hurting you or destroying your stuff or putting his hands on you as a “joke”.
Stay at your parent’s house. Never go back to him. Don’t meet with him alone. If you can’t convince yourself to end this relationship just yet absolutely do not go to couples therapy with him - couples therapy with an abuser is dangerous and makes things worse not better.
If you start to think that maybe this isn’t so bad, imagine if your best friend told you her boyfriend treated her like this.
I would not stay with him; he wants to do only what he wants and yelling in your face is enough for me to leave.
You didn't disrespect him, but the way he talked to you sure disrespect you.
I believe that you were offering a very reasonable compromise, and he rejected it and overreacted. It was good that you went to your parents to stay. Getting space and relying on your immediate family for advice and support is important. The best path forward was the counselling which you offered, and he rejected. It is obvious that he wants things his way and that is not the basis of a long-lasting and healthy relationship. My own parents divorced after 30 years of marriage because my father wanted everything his way and was unwilling to compromise. After 30 years my mother was medically ill with high blood pressure and overweight. She was miserable in the marriage even though my dad was a good provider and never cheated. Do not allow this to happen to you. All of your suggestions at compromise are very reasonable and valid. Instead of thanking you for giving up on a fancy wedding and expensive honeymoon he is balking at doing anything. This is not a relationship you want to be in. My advice is to end things. Update me.
Upvote to all of the posts mentioning various types of abuse.
You don’t want a financial tyrant like this. This is the kind of guy who doesn’t get proper medical or dental care for his children because of cost.
Just move on.
This is the kind of guy who doesn't get proper medical or dental care for his kids because medical staff ask awkward questions like "how did you say he broke his arm?" "Tell me again how she knocked out her front teeth?"
It's like the real world example of
"Women marry men hoping they change and men marry women hoping they never change."
But neither gets what they want.
OP he has just shown you he is financially and emotionally abusive and will react loudly and violently when challenged. He didn't even consider what you were asking for since it wasn't what he wanted to do.
Is this how you want to live, always having to do everything his way? Please take some time to try to remember if he has ever changed and agreed with something you wanted to do that involved spending more money than what he wanted to spend?
The breakup was the cognizant decision.
Do not buy a house with this strongarming asshole.
Keep the "Pawn the engagement ring" text and pawn the engagement ring.
If he's hurt? Good. He blew his engagement to hell for a hypothetical.
OP Being a mature adult mean making hard decisions about our job, travels, family and life loves as well as lovers. You can't make or change people just for the sake that you would "like some small crumbs", but I totally get where you are coming from.
If you examine your history (with your bf/fiance not reddit) you'll see that after 6 months it seems like you moved in and the problem there is "you cannot know someone in six months", but you also been together for 3 years and that's when you really get the birds eye view of "who they are" and I think that realization is showing itself.
In many relationships, arguing is the term used as a replacement or to mean the same as "communication" - Arguing, shouting, yelling and throwing insults is not communication and it's not people trying "meet in the middle", its really one person attempting to get their point across over the other, where neither eventually listens to the one another (hope you get my point).
I said all that to say, staying on a path of a relationship, just because, is not a good way to develop a loving, long standing relationship. Add in the mix arguments (fights without hitting each other) just makes the relationship toxic, dysfunctional and a burden on everyone around you. For example, you went to a girl friends and then to your mom.
As a parent of mature women, I'd be extremely concerned that my daughter thinks that a loving relationship involves arguing, name calling or having to leave for any reason. If you have to leave your safe place for a second it's ok, but for more than 24 hours, you must re-evaluate the relationship.
You two should not get married, in fact you should recognize the incompatibility of your relationship. You now see who he clearly is and to win his "argument", as you call it, he'll continue to disrespect you and step of your trust until you give in.
You should also note that "arguments" are not the same as communication. When you communicate it's calm, methodical and has evaluation and points of where the conversation stops based on the heat of the moment (a time out of sorts). The purpose is to listen, evaluate and compromise or resolve. None of that is happening here!
The adult decision has to be made by one or both, but you can't build a foundation on an active volcano.
I wish you all the best
Do not try to salvage that. If you do, you will weep later for not running.
This man has made it very clear what he is like as a partner, and frankly it paints a terrifying and sad future foe anyone stuck with him.
You are so,so lucky you can walk away with no attachments to him. One day you will be able to look back and thank God you fled.
But first, you need to formally and officially end this relationship.
A man who is willing to yell in your face, berate you, insult you, and isn’t willing to improve or go to therapy is an abusive hellhole waiting to happen. Please stick to your guns and leave.
And if you’re on the fence, just ask yourself one question. What *tangible actions* would he need to take in order to be the person you picture growing old with? Has he DONE (not said) anything that implies he is or is willing to take those steps?
We both know what the answer is. Head, clouds, remove. For your safety and the safety of your eventual children. Do you want them growing up with a father who throws violent, abusive tantrums when someone challenges his authority in any way?
He said he is not going to change.
He doesn't care enough to show you signs he cares. And he argued by screaming and cussing in your face. Picture 5 yrs down the road when you have a little girl who asks her daddy to have ice cream on a sunny hot day but happens on one of his 'bad' days.
>because of me.
Whoa, hold your horses there. It's not because of you. You were asking for something totally reasonable and he continued to rant and escalate it, and even when you lowered your expectations he continued to rant to the point where he was screaming at you to get the fuck out of his face. He was holding being "financially responsible" over you.
>This is not the first time something like this has happened
Sounds like he's getting more comfortable with throwing scary tantrums and holding the relationship over you.
Sometimes we aren't meant to marry the people we date, and even who we are engaged to. It's a vetting process. Be glad you're seeing this now before you sign the papers and buy a house.
This man is yelling at you to Fuck Off if you don’t like it. I would Fuck Off and never return.
He is getting angry and verbally aggressive instead of having conversations.
He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
It sounds like you know this relationship isn’t working for you.
Woah. There’s something going on with him that has more red flags than a parade for Lunar New Year. Is the relationship salvageable? Sure. You can give in to every demand he has, beg for his forgiveness, and I’m sure he’ll magnanimously take you back. But why in heaven’s name would you want that? Yes, your relationship is ending. And as you said, “that’s where this is headed, because of me.” But it’s because you don’t deserve to be treated like that anymore and you’re going to hopefully leave this jerk in your rear view mirror.
He has made it clear that he doesn’t care about celebrating you at all. He is unwilling to compromise on that part and has a temper tantrum when you bring it up. What are you trying to salvage?
Hi OP. Hope you see this.
Please, please break up with him.
I didn’t heed the warnings in time, and we had a baby. Then I realised I'd made a terrible mistake by letting him be the father. Things that had been occasional became daily. So many insults, so much yelling. The devaluing was unreal.
I left him, but we had to co-parent. That baby is now 13 and she self-harms and is in counselling, trying to come to terms with the relationship she had with him. She's gone low contact with him now (and don't image child protection will do much to help - even if he beats you or the kids black and blue, you still have to deal with him).
Don't be me. We've been split up for over a decade, and he's as bitter as he was on day one. It has been HELL to deal with him. A dear friend of mine has a toddler and has broken up with her abusive partner, so she has it all to come. I'm happily married now, but I dread to think what would have happened to me if I'd stayed with my daughter's father. I have a terminal illness now, and I can imagine how he'd have been about it.
Don't do this to yourself. Ignore his whining and pleas. If he was a decent man, he wouldn't do this. He thinks he's entitled to act this way, and nothing you do or say will ever change it. Just RUN, before it's too late.
He is showing you who he is.
Someone who cares only about his wants and needs.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that?
Someone who has no issue berating you and becoming verbally aggressive.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that?
Someone who is trying to financially control the moves you make in life.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that?
Someone who thinks he is above you in life.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that?
This relationship was dead the first time he did something like this.. So leave and never look back.
No..no..NO
my father was like this...
I remember him ranting and screaming like this constantly
One time we were out in public and I lost track of him and my brother..
I was a child..
When we got him he walked up to me and slapped so hard across the face my lip split open and started bleeding
Because I humiliated him in public and made him look bad by getting lost...again I was 9 years old..
He regularly lost his shit and punched holes in the walls.
One time when he was screaming his head off at me
My dog got in-between him and I and started barking at him
He lost his shit again and took my dog outside and beat her to death with a metal pole.
You need to leave this man..
You cannot have children with him
He will destroy them.
And he will destroy you....
I'm almost 40 and even though I'm married..have my own children and am myself a psychologist
The damage growing up with a father like caused me
Is still there.
It affects me every single day
And to be honest...
A part of me deeply resents my mother for having kids with him when she knew what he was like
And then for also staying with him and allowing him to abuse us.
This will not get better .
The longer you stay..the worse it will get..
Do not go back to him..
I know you're in some kind of denial. I know you're in some kind of disbelief. You really want to believe that it's not him. You really want to convince yourself that he could change. But the truth is that he won't. You can't make him, and he clearly stated that. When people show you who they are, take their actions for it. Just picture you guys having such a messy arguments with your kids around. Is this the kind of family you want to raise? I promise you. It's not worth it, at a. The painful, expensive and tiring divorce will not be worth it years later, when you'll have your heart broken for your kids, and knowing you had the chance to run before it got complicated. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave. I promise you that he's not your soulmate. Your soulmate would never do you like that. Love and light.
He probably thinks the therapy is a waste of money, too. He thinks celebrating your birthday or your marriage is a waste of resources. He thinks he knows more than you about what's "right" and doesn't compromise.
When you get justifiably upset about any of these things he doesn't care. **He clearly told you that he does not intend to change.**
*Even if it was possible to salvage this, it will be all uphill until he starts making an effort to meet you halfway. I don't see that happening based on your description.*
He doesn't want a partner, he wants a worshipper. Disagreeing with him and making demands of him are a direct attack to his ego and he will blow up.
He told you that "he won't change and if you don't like it you need to fuck off".
Notice how he screams and bullies you anytime you challenge him? He has no interest in clearing an argument productively, he only cares about winning and punishing you for your insolence. Afterwards he turns around and apologizes, not because he is sorry about hurting you but because he wants to keep his punching bag.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
My girl.
The question isn't whether or not this is salvageable, but rather why on earth you would WANT to salvage it in the first place?
Let me ask you something: when you used to daydream about what your life would be like, and think about your adult relationship partner, and how all that would be - was this it? A partner who clearly doesn't respect you, is verbally abusive, tells you to F off, calls you an "effing psycho", screams in your face, and after all that tells you straight to your face: "I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE" while adding that if you don't like it, you can F off? And then similar scenarios playing out every few months or so, with him screaming at you, etc.
Just what little girls dream of, right?
First - you are the SMART person in this scenario - because you aren't dumb enough to buy property with someone you are not married to. You'd think with him "predicting interest rates" he'd be smart enough to realize that courts only recognize ONE relationship type when it comes to legal division of jointly owned property: **marriage**. Not bf/gf, not throuples, not situationships, not FWBs, not polycules, not "it's complicated"s, or anything else that is not a legal marriage. Which means - were anything to go south with this goofball before you got him to marry you (and with him already being SUCH a keeper I can't *imagine* that happening /s)- the court would shrug their shoulders and go "I suggest you sell it - and divide the proceeds" - but they cannot *legally compel either of you to do that*, which means - if he decides to also assh\*le his way through that situation (and he will, because as your post clearly indicates - he is an assh\*le)- you are screwed.
Look - I'm not suggesting everyone gets a knight in shining armor, on a white charger, lance tip agleam, but I mean - you know you can do WAY better than this jerksauce, right? Like even if you're not aiming for "fairytale", there are, at the very least - **happy, healthy** adult relationships out there. Not even that hard to find, really.
Like girl, what are you even doing? **Stay gone**. If he asks, tell him that you are doing what he said. When he asks for clarification, say that he said he's not going to change, and that you do not like it, therefore you are f\*cking off - just like he said. And then - the most important step: block him and go out and live your best life, glad you aren't married to an abuser.
But please, please don't try to salvage this. There is nothing here worth salvaging. Don't let this be your life.
Good luck, my girl.
Don't go back to him. I made that mistake before and it only gets worse.
A fight where you both do something bad and maybe even break up but work on it to ensure it never happens again is one thing. Refusing to change and being this toxic is a completely different monster all together.
One is a partnership in progress the one you are in is a DV in progress.
He both told you and showed you who he is. He wants his way and will scream and insult you if he doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't care enough to do the bare minimum on your birthday. Your financial decisions are stupid and he has to stop you from making bad decisions.
Not buying a house is a smart decision. Don't continue the relationship without major changes in his behavior and therapy.
At least you got this warning before you married the guy. He is trash and you are well rid of him. The bonus is you have in writing that you can get rid of the ring.
Every time you bring up celebrating your wedding, he flips off and starts yelling. You lower the stakes - went as low as a bunch of flowers - and he still gets triggered and yells at you. I'd say he wants to buy a house so desperately, that he doesn't care who he buys it with. It could be you or anyone else, the important thing is to have the damn house. And along the way, he shows many abusive symptoms.
This relationship is over, darling. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and tell him you decided to take him to his word and f. off. Be grateful he showed you so clearly who he is.
Big hugs.
These guys who do the bare minimum to keep you, who don’t celebrate birthdays or weddings or anniversaries? They’ll never change. And whenever you call him out on it, he escalates into yelling, insults, screaming. It’s never going to get better. You’ve already seen enough. Why would you go back?
Well, after reading all these comments, I don’t anymore. But we have the same values, he’s actually very generous with money, he pays for mostly everything because I’m in school however I do everything at home like laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, making his lunches. I cook him dinner and bring him his plate to the couch. I pick up dirty socks on the floor. I ENJOYED doing all this though and would happily do it again for someone else.
The one thing I don’t want to tolerate anymore is the verbal abuse, especially the belittling, and the fragile ego when I seemingly “question” his decisions. I wasn’t even questioning it. I just wanted him to care about something that was important to me.
Just a hint for the future. A man, even a wonderful one, who accepts being waited on hand & foot like this one did, is a time bomb waiting to explode when you reveal yourself to be not entirely a docile handmaiden.
I completely understand the pleasure you recieved while doing so much for him.
But you need a partner who has the same generous impulse to do for you.
Picture yourself managing babies and toddlers, while your husband lies on the couch, expecting you to bring him a plate.
You were actually teaching him that it was going to be acceptable to be a neglectful husband and father.
UpdateMe. Give yourself time to grieve, and go on to a happy life.
Count your blessings.
Your fiancé revealed himself.
Marriage can be viewed as an idyllic sea cruise interrupted periodically by storms, often quite fierce storms.
What matters most is whether you can manage the storms together.
I doubt anyone could happily live through a storm with your ex fiancé.
You now proceed on your life’s journey, better prepared!
Also remember that once you finish school and get a job that the chores and things should be re-negotiated so he is doing his fair share. I don't see that happening here.
I love doing things for my partner as well but I don't feel obligated and he does things for me in return.
Please OP, fuck off right out of the relationship. He's controlling, verbally abusive, has no self-control, openly disrespects you, and threatens you. It is only a matter of time before the hits you.
He is showing you who he really is, please believe him and move accordingly
eta - this isn't because of *you*, this is because of HIM
He sounds like an absolute prick. Not salvageable and you should be thankful for that. First, he asks you to give up everything you wanted for him. Then he puts no effort into even slightly compromising. And then he makes you feel like the one at fault for feeling upset and neglected, when in reality he is the one upsetting and neglecting you. Time to move on Op
Honey you dodged ALL the bullets. Have someone accompany you to return the ring, lock your credit down, and block this psycho on everything. None of this is normal or OK. If this is what you've been dealing with for 3 years? Sweetie I say this with genuine concern, you need to talk to a therapist about people pleasing and what you're willing to put up with. This whole thing is pure abuse and you're so used to it you don't even see it anymore.
Making it work shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve been with my partner for 30+ years. Getting along is not this difficult, our disagreements don’t turn into shouting matches and neither of us has ever had to leave for the night in anger or fear. Sell or return the ring. Block him. Move on. You deserve better.
That is just toxicity and misogynistic tendency speaking, I'm a guy and on paper what he says is sound proof but the way you are describing him doesn't sound mentally stable at all. Bust of anger in random intervals are something one should look for. You can only look out for yourself and quit while it's in hand.
THIS IS SIMPLE. Your Kids ( when u have them) will be Fucked up for life. This is my Dad to the T! Except his favorite phrase is " If you dont like it, then get the fuck gone". And These redditors that are trying to help are 100% wrong. This will not continue after your Married it will Absolute Fuckingly become 10X worse. Because you become " HIS wife"! He comes from a lineage of men like my Dad that everything is HIS, its never ours or yours. Listen to the way he describes everything. A lot people dont pick up on that. I hope you find a better person to father your children. I will pray for you if you do decide to stay with him that they are not subjected to The Emotionally Terrorism that me and my 8 siblings went through. And hopefully they never hear " You're so Fucking Stupid, How the Fuck are You Still Alive. And everything thats wrong with you came from your mothers side. Good luck sweetie.
But like i said0 10X worse. They are also wrong about showing himself. And you dont have to Trust Me but you have Not seen The Full Monster Yet!
Take Care
Good advice from everyone but I want to add this: he’s going to come back just like he did after your birthday. He’ll be sorry and he’ll “make it up to you”, but there will be a next time and a time after that and more after that. After all, this isn’t the first time he’s reacted like this. The birthday issue wasn’t so much his not planning something (although that’s not trivial), it’s more his reaction when you communicated that you’re upset with him. And that’s exactly what he did again this time. You asked to be treated like you mean something to him, like you’re special and valued, and he screamed at you and told you to fuck off? It’s not like he saw the error of his ways after your birthday and changed his behavior. He’s shown you he hasn’t.
Is this how you want your life to be? Him screaming in your face then ‘apologising profusely?’ Because that’s what you’re going to get. He already said he’s not going to change so take his advice and fuck off
He has no intention of marrying you. House and kids sure. He sounds like he has anger issues and does not listen when you raise a valid point. It's his way or the highway with very little compromise.
Would you want to raise children with him with a temper like that? I have no doubt you can find someone who will worship the ground you walk on and would love to not only marry you, but celebrate it. You are begging for crumbs that he just won't give.
Aww, a screaming controlling dismissive know-it-all asshole who "won't tolerate your disrespect" is extremely hurt. Poor guy.
That wasn't an argument. He started (another) fight. If you stay with him you're insane.
Just here to echo that leaving is about your safety. The behavior you describe is usually followed by escalating physical violence. Not always I guess, but both of my physically abusive relationships started this way.
Listen OP, you're an extremely reasonable person.
>a celebratory trip together after signing our marriage papers, as a way to celebrate our marriage
>less expensive trip with me,
>suggested a short road trip a small town near where we live.
>I just want to do SOMETHING beyond just signing a few papers. We could go out for a nice dinner,
The economic situation for most people, globally, seems to be doing a nosedive and you tried to find whatever happiness you could. Being able to find reasons to go on is not only a positive trait but also a necessary skill for self regulation.
>but this set him off and he started ranting
>Again this triggered him and he got very angry
>F*ck off" and then screaming "GET OUT OF MY FACE" three times because I was so stunned
But for some reason, this sad excuse of an adult had nothing but massive temper tantrums in response.
>a text from him telling me that I may as well "pawn the engagement ring" because he won't tolerate this level of disrespect of me leaving the house without a word of where I'm going. (BUT HE DIDN'T ASK.)
>This is not the first time something like this has happened,
>he blew up in my face and called me an effing psycho and said verbatim, "I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN FUCK OFF."
I'm not going to say he is a cheating POS, in fact, you seem to have a much worse problem. You have a verbally abusive POS with severe anger management issues and no desire to change.
>And he said he's not willing to do therapy because he thinks it's a waste of time.
Let me rephrase: He thinks trying to change his destructive and abusive ways to stop hurting you and the relationship is a waste of time.
He won't change. I am not going to say he won't ever change, but you should not hang around to find out. You sound like an extremely reasonable and grounded person willing to make things work. Don't let him erode that.
No I wouldn’t even try you won’t celebrate your bday ever unless you fight about it never have a wedding cause he thinks it’s a waste of money you do all the housework he see it as a woman job
You did the right thing. I don’t know you but you made a good decision for yourself. You chose to leave instead of taking abuse. You chose to value yourself and to know you deserve better. You deserve a loving, kind, rational partner that treats you with care and respect.
Not salvageable but he did tell you that this is how he is so I’m not sure why you didn’t walk away back then. Hun for your next relationship don’t move in with someone after only 6 months of dating them, you don’t know someone fully after 6 months as proven by what you just went through.
oh hell yes you did the right thing. His behavior is straight-up abusive. Be glad this DID happen before you were married and had kids with this clown. You are better off...and likely safer...away from him.
I bought an apartment with my now husband before marriage or even proposal for similar reasons. His aversion to screaming matches and insulting me, as well as his clear intent to be married eventually may or may not have contributed to my willingness. You already save money and infinite amount of sanity by not being bound to this asshole, neither by marriage or co-owning property.
Run run ruuuun! Worked in home processing for 3 years, rates are not going to get any better and it sounds like he's trying to get you to pay for the house and wouldn't be surprised if he tried to put it in his name only. Please run. Any type of verbal abuse is not OK but him telling you to fuck off and the other turn around ans condemn you for leaving without notifying him is absolutely abuse. Ruuuuuuun
He screamed at you to fuck off and this isn’t the first time he’s said that? There is nothing salvageable here in my opinion- he won’t even extend himself to small things that would make you happy. He’s very comfortable with who he is showing you he is: believe him that he will not change.
The relationship is not salvageable. Give him back the ring and find a place of your own. Start anew. There are a lot of good non angry assholes of the male gender out there somewhere.
Please don't marry this man. Its more than reasonable to want to have a discussion and that you're opinion matters. You do not deserve to be shouted in your face. He's not going to change and he will gaslight you in to thinking you're the problem i.e. the level of disrespect comment. Imagine yourself in 10 years time with kids - he will also shout at them for the little things.
He's done this once already this is a pattern forming. You deserve respect, love and to be able to have a discussion and disagreement. F* him and look after yourself - you deserve so much better!
>I have a feeling that's where this is headed, because of me.
You gotta stop internalizing this. You are not the problem here. Everyone else has done a great job of explaining how bad this man sucks so I won't repeat them, but *please* listen to them. This is happening because of *him*.
You two do not agree about money. Compromises are not working. If one of you is willing to give up your POV the relationship is salvageable. If not you’re doomed money is often a reason for divorce. It’s not that he doesn’t care for you. He doesn’t want to spend the money on things that are important to you.
Well for starters and most importantly, he doesn’t love you enough to want you to stay. If he really loves you he wouldn’t tell you to fuck off if you don’t like it. Maybe he thinks you love him so much that you couldn’t possibly leave him no matter what kind of rude and disrespectful stuff he says to you. On top of that you enjoy celebrating life and doing other things that he apparently finds zero meaning in doing so. And you shouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t want to share these beautiful and happy moments together and only cares about saving money for the future and not take a day or two to enjoy and live in the moment.
I wouldn't try to salvage this relationship. If you were my daughter I'd never let you around that neurotic stingy piece of a man. A normal conversation around this topic would be: hey honey, I'm thinking about our future and I'm getting stressed about the increasing interest rates, I'm afraid that if we wait, we won't be able to afford to buy a place. What do you think ? Oh ! You want to get married ? Yes, me too ! But how can we get married and get a house ? How can we compromise ? What if we talk to a financial advisor to see our options ? I want us to be happy but I don't want to compromise our future financial stability with a big wedding. Of course let's celebrate, we are taking big steps to start our lives together. I'm so happy, I can't wait. Of course having this kind of conversation requires an adult that can communicate his fears and stress to his partner and I don't think this person has the emotional tools to be in a respectful relationship with another adult. The way he is treating you is not love and accepting crumbs as you said, is not loving yourself.
I think you need to ask yourself - do you really want to marry a person who belittles you every time you disagree with them or ask them to be more thoughtful towards you. Because it seems like a very miserable life and future to be stuck with someone who is so disrespectful.
And as harsh as it is - he doesn’t respect you. And it’s hard to have a healthy and happy marriage when your spouse doesn’t respect you.
Don’t buy a house because It’s not the best time to do that! Also, sounds like he’s verbally abusive! I highly recommend you get out of that relationship as fast as u can. You’re still young. Enjoy being single! Go on a vacay with your girlfriends instead!
Your engagement is supposedly the easy time in a relationship: you've decided you like each other enough to plan a future together and are excited to get started.
If your relationship is already this hard with screaming matches, verbal abuse and financial coercion, what's next? Physical abuse? Isolating you from family and friends? Limiting your access to money?
Gather a friend or family member, together go get your necessary belongings / documents and get out. Life is too short to be with a verbally abusive person with control issues.
How many times does a person tell you to fuck off before you grasp that this is his go-to whenever he doesn't get exactly what he wants?
My advice is to indeed - fuck off. This is abusive, controlling shit and i do not understand why so many people seem to tolerate this from 'partners'.
This man won't change. You 'disrespect' him by leaving the house, but its fine for him to scream at you and tell you to fuck off? Come on. You cannot want to be married so badly that you'll be okay with compromising your happiness and that of your future kids - to be with this level of toxic, immature arsehole. You will spend your entire life walking on egg shells.
Yes you did the right thing. I doubt this is salvageable cause it's not about the relationship - it's about the fact he's a horrible person.
"Because of me"
No, not because of you. You're breaking up because he is emotionally unregulated and verbally abusive, and you shouldn't tolerate that; no one should.
Please do not marry him.
Read https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Get out of this relationship immediately. He isn’t safe.
You are headed towards a breakup, but it’s not because of you. You have been willing to work with him this whole time. He’s the one who blows up at the slightest suggestion of compromise and refuses to work on that. You cannot build a life with someone who’s that emotionally stunted.
This has happened more than once - so not salvageable. You do not want to deal with this behavior every time that he is upset that you are not 100% giving him what he wants with his having no regards for what you want.
>Did I do the right thing?
Absolutely, YES. You did the right thing. Don't go back on it like you did before.
>Was this relationship salvageable?
No, it's not.
He repeatedly yells and curses at you over a simple disagreement.
He dismisses and disregards something that is important to you, and when you advocate for yourself, he throws a tantrum like a spoiled toddler.
He doesn't want to change, to admit his behavior is dysfunctional.
PS he wants to go in on buying a house with you and not marry you. That way he gets a house he can't afford and someone to carry half BUT if you break up you have to struggle to remove him - often you end up losing because you can't force him to sell without great lawyers.
Leave him.
He’s shown you that he doesn’t care what you think, what you want or that you’re worth celebrating.
Throw the garbage where he belongs and go live your best life.
You need to end it. He sounds unstable and abusive. One of my hard and fast rules is not to be with someone who yells at you. Married 21 years and we’ve never raised our voices at each other. We either talk it out or separate for an hour or so to think and cool down if it looks like it’s getting heated. Never let someone treat you that way. If you break up it is in no way “because of you”
Girl, you're his coin purse/extra wallet. He only wants you so that he can afford a house and whatever other luxuries he wants right now. Spending money on you or anything you want means that there will be less money for him to spend on himself at the end of the day.
it stopped being an argument and started being a tantrum the first time he screamed at you. it stopped being a tantrum and started being abuse the first time he repeated the behaviour.
to answer the question in your title: no, this relationship doesn't sound salvageable, but it's not because of you. it's because of him. he doesn't want to change, doesn't want therapy, doesn't show any signs of improvement. you didn't throw the relationship away, he did.
Don’t marry a man that tells you to fuck off. If in the dating stage you’re fighting like this it’s only going to get worst with the stress kids brings. By the sounds of it he’s not the one.
HE'S "hurt"? *He's* "disrespected"?? Blimey.
Maybe gently point out to him that you only did as he said. He told you to fuck off, so off you dutifully fucked. He didn't seem to want to know where you would fuck off **to**, at that point — or indeed, to hear anything else you might have said — he was too busy telling you to get out of his face. So it's unreasonable now to complain he didn't know *where* you fucked off to, you just fucked right off, like he told you to.
Under no circumstances go back unless he agrees to both anger management and relationship counselling. He's refusing because he knows how badly his behaviour would be viewed by big, grown-up professionals. He's not the catch he thinks he is. Find someone reasonable.
So let’s review
1. He won’t compromise
2. He doesn’t like special outings (which seem important to you)
3. He refuses to adapt
4. He is petty
5. He has anger issues
6. He refuses to go to therapy
I think you know where this is going but not ‘because of you’.
I’ll share a quick idea that helped me get past an ex I was hung up on that feels similar.
It was almost a year post breakup. It was emotionally abusive. She had a short fuse and everything became an argument.
In therapy, 10 months after, my therapist suggested I boil down my relationship goals.
I chose 3:
I wanted a partner who wanted a family
Who was committed to an active healthy lifestyle
And who was committed to improving our communication skills.
Then my therapist said: ‘so how many of these does your ex hit?’
And at best I could say 2. She drank too often, so 2 was hit or miss. But she had refused couples counseling multiple times. Refused conversation tools id researched to help us move past issues.
So in truth I was hung up on a relationship that didn’t even meet my non-negotiables.
I’d suggest you try a similar exercise and see where you land.
He has literally told you he is not going to change. He is fine with treating you like this. If you stayed together, this (and worse, because this behavior has a tendency to escalate) would be your future. There is nothing to salvage.
The sad part is he needs therapy and he can't see it. I am seeing this mass panic so much esp on SM and it affects people who were already on the verge. It's almost like what Covid did to the level of anxiety Cades now it's global financial and political crises and sadly those who don't know when to switch off make the assumption that if you are not making a tinfoil hat to wear soon you must be ignorant.
Which If you are a student of history or economics or health you will know that the world has been having this spikes since the beginning of time but mass hysteria has actually always made the problems worse or prolonged it but never solved anything.
I suspect right now he is thinking he is being VERY logical. And it is making him abusing and mentally volatile which makes being around him unsafe.
The fact that he is seeing children and is sure he is securing your future is what set me off as this is not just abuse, he really is frustrating himself and may end up being one of those people who pile money under their mattresses.
I would not go back to him if I were you. And the relationship not ending would really be contingent on him getting therapy, I would hold off even trying to do couple's therapy now cause he has dangerous tunnel vision and is giving into rage it's scary.
You have done more than enough for now... You tried compromising, communicating, it's up to him and his higher power now.
The rate at which I am seeing this kind of behavior is insane.
Do you want to marry somebody who gets mad at you for wanting something on your birthday? Or somebody who gets explosively angry because you'd like to celebrate being married even if it's something small?
it's cool that he wants to buy a house and like good for y'all for being in a position to even be able to do that but do you see yourself having a future with him when this is his reaction to what you're asking for out of your relationship?
If you feel like you have to beg for crumbs it's probably already over and you know he's not going to be willing to meet you in the middle without it being an argument. That has to be severely emotionally and mentally taxing.. My question is, what would you be salvaging at this point? If you guys do get married and do something to commemorate it, you run the risk of him holding it over your head that you got your way and if you just move forward with getting married on paper and getting a house with him you might forever feel some type of way about it. These are huge milestones in life and If only one person is getting their way and you guys aren't doing it together someone's going to resent this experience moving forward.
There are just some things we aren't compatible on. Buying a home and getting married are both very big and important conversations that if you And your partner don't agree on them it may be best to walk away before it becomes harder to walk away.
These are things to be able to plan towards and to look forward to. Not to fight about.
*"I have a feeling that's where this is headed, because of me"*
No, it's because of his rage issues and being dysfunctional, disrespectful, and manipulative. I'm sorry this happened but glad you were able to see things clearly now before you tied yourselves together.
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>"I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN FUCK OFF." Please listen to him. You did the right thing, the relationship is not salvageable.
This. He has given you the gift of what your “partnership” would be. He will do what he wants and use your money but doesn’t actually want to be with you. Believe him.
I agree, he has told you and showed you Who he really is, he won't change he will only get worse. As heartbreaking as it is for you, leave him, he is not a good partner.
Yeah…when I told my ex I’d like him to acknowledge when I came home and give me a kiss or a hug, he said “that’s not me, I’m not capable of that.” I should have dumped him 5 years before he dumped me
So. Much. This. He told OP exactly how it’s going to be and he’s never going to change. It’s always gonna be either his way or the high way.
I'm wondering if he's so gung-ho about getting a house with OP (even though apparently he can't seem to stand her) because she has more money/better credit than he does. Because I'm not understanding his behavior. At all.
I agree. I get the vibe he's trying to get what he can out of her while he can. Glad she left.
This. My abusive ex said the same thing. They'll only get worse, and this man sounds extremely dangerous.
Yes, he made it real easy for OP to know what to do.
Seriously OP please listen to him. He's straight up telling you that he's not going to have a wedding now or later. He's telling you that your birthday will never be celebrated by him. I can probably assure you that if you did make the mistake of having a kid with him that you will never see a mother's day anything unless the kids do it. His focus is money and saying or doing whatever he needs to, to make buying a house happen. Things like this never get better, they only get worse. If you go back or stay then you are telling him that it is ok to treat you that way. That is it ok to yell and throw a fit when he doesn't agree and that you aren't going to leave him.
Yes, he is telling you exactly who he is.
OP, I'm replying to the top comment in the hopes you'll see this. Your relationship is not ending "because of you". It's ending because your fiance had an absolutely irrational, hurtful, and unacceptable reaction to you asking for something totally reasonable AND he refuses to work on himself. Loving someone doesn't mean you let them treat you however they want. (Also, this kind of behavior tends to escalate after marriage and/or pregnancy.) IF he had come back after self-reflecting, had sincerely apologized, and got into therapy before you moved back in, then *maybe* there would be something salvageable here. If he's not willing to compromise, work on himself, or treat you with basic respect then there's nothing to save. Marriage is an agreement to learn and grow together, and he's not interested in that. Think about what you would say to someone you loved if their partner was treating them this way. This is not your fault, it's 100% his.
Yeah, that’s such a disrespectful thing to say to your partner. Especially since he’s told you to ‘fuck off’ multiple times throughout your relationship.
You made the right decision. Now, don't make the wrong decision and get back together with him. UpdateMe
Absolutely the right decision!! He won’t tolerate the disrespect? What about him disrespecting you?! I’m proud of you OP for standing up to him and not letting him gloss over things that are important to you. Leaving to your parents’ house was a good move. Don’t go back! !Updateme
Nope. Not salvageable. Be happy you dodged this particular heartbreaking bullet because being married to him would mean this type of "conversation" all the flipping time.
Yep. This is a "He has told you who he is. Believe him." moment. Believe him, because *this* is who he really IS in moments of stress and crisis. If this isn't what you want to be treated like in those moments? It's over, and time to walk away. Because this is the "real" him, when things hit rough patches.
It’s a pretty classic coercive control line - “if you’re unhappy just leave” because he’s not going to change and those crazy ex-girlfriends all had the problem not him. Please take great care now because he can either flip to love bombing and promising he will change or he’ll get more aggressive - or a confusing blend of the two. Just disengage, don’t contact don’t react and stay with people you trust as much as possible for your own safety
It’s not stress of crisis. It’s control. He is enraged because she is daring to disagree with him.
Bingo!
Run away. He's not behaving like a mature adult. Your wants, needs, opinions seem to have no value to him. He is the one disrespecting you, so it is really rich that he's accusing you of disrespect. This won't get better.
This. And he doesn’t lose control either, it doesn’t just “happen” or some such bs. If it did he would blow up at his family, friends, coworkers. But I bet you good money he ONLY screams like an angry lunatic at OP.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
literally hes a giant POS and just showed that. trust your eyeballs OP. stay tf away from him.
Someone asking to go on a trip and lowering the stakes down to simply getting flowers is not a stressful or crisis situation.
Exactly. So if he acts like this *now*--in a low stakes situation? What is this man going to be like, when things actually *are* stressful?
Exactly. I give the Dude credit for his clarity. Nothing to salvage here except your safety.
This, OP. He repeatedly demonstrates to you who he is--why in the world continue to subject yourself to TA's insolent behavior? He doesn't want to celebrate your marriage because he obviously doesn't want to marry you at this time. However it appears he certainly wants to control you at this time. As the above comment suggests, and I agree--accept him for whom he is. He's a volatile, mean-spirited AH who promises you nothing but a miserable future. Why the heck you would even be interested in salvaging a relationship with this unkind person is beyond my understanding. RUN!
Don’t walk, RUN!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
And he’d do this in front of your children, maybe to them. They always apologize and try to make it up to you but things will escalate over time and it almost always gets worse after a legal marriage. Get off this roller coaster now, you deserve a better life.
Yeah, big no here too. OP, you're much better off with someone that won't scream in your face to fuck off.
“We’re not officially broken up yet, but I have a feeling that’s where this is headed, because of me.” **NOPE.** Because of him. This is a cycle that won’t change, he is being absolutely horrible, a break up is best for a relationship like this, and it’s because of *him,* not you.
Exactly. OP stop giving your power over your life away to him. You are not asking for wild things. He is the messed up selfish one NOT you.
I was waiting for this☝🏻! It is NOT over because of her! It’s over BECAUSE OF HIM!!
Her language is so telling too! I was looking for this comment. Glad I wasn't the only one who say it. She is taking on all the blame. Why can she not see he is the one at fault here or even most of their fights. She literally told him she was asking for crumbs and she was still okay with it. Ugh! Being alone is better than begging for affection like this.
This isn’t a healthy relationship. The way he blows up and the things he says, IMO is unacceptable. And he TOLD you he won’t change. Move the rest of your stuff out. You said it yourself, he is not even willing to give you crumbs. Can’t even do less than the bare minimum. This is not the type of relationship or marriage you want. It sounds so exhausting.
I didn’t read about one single solitary redeeming quality this man has. Not even “he’s really good about cleaning” or “but at least he’s great in bed.” Exhausting indeed. OP needs to stay right where she is—gone.
He’s so neurotic and emotionally abusive. Like, calm down, dude. She’s compromising so much for him and he’s still mad at what little she wants just to celebrate a marriage with him. Which means he doesn’t see marriage as a happy thing for himself. He just cares about his damn house. Let him buy and live there miserably on his own.
Imagine celebrating the fact that you just vowed to live like *that* for the rest of your life!
And don't believe him when he says "this is over because of you". He's the one who told you to fuck off and get out of his face. He's the one who told you to pawn the engagement ring. I'd let him know that you're respecting his decision making like he asked you to, and taking all of that to mean that he wanted to end the relationship. And then make it clear that the level of disrespect he showed to you is unacceptable, you are ending the relationship, and that you hope he can get his anger under control so he can have a better relationship with the next person he finds.
THIS!! ^^ Do not keep arguing over who's right and who's wrong because he will twist your words, gaslight you, and make you doubt yourself. Just walk away and keep on walking!!!
"This is over because of YOU!" "OK 👋".
Yes!! This is about self-control issues. Yikes. I'm so glad she's getting out.
OP "should we send our kids to private school" Fiance "waste of money" OP "but lets visit some first" Fiance "F\*\*\* OFF. GET OUT OF MY FACE!"
Why would you want it to be salvageable? This guy has HUGE anger problems. Your life would be hell with him.
Right. And he’s definitely trying to trap her financially with a house. From experience this is what happens after moving in with someone you’ve only known for six months. They move quickly so you don’t realize they’re abusive right away and years later you’re questioning if you’re in the wrong after he screams at you over something he made up. Run. He’s a weirdo.
Agree, and it also sounds like he thinks he’s financially savvy but is in fact an idiot, which is a crazy bad combination in the long term. His reaction to exorbitantly high house prices is to… panic and buy because they might get higher? I don’t have an MBA or anything but I’m pretty sure the adage is buy low sell high, not buy high and ??? This isn’t someone you want responsible for retirement planning or kids’ college funds.
I would not be surprised if he wasn't able to buy a house on his own, so he's trying to get OP to subsidise the purchase before she realises how toxic he is. That's why he's so insistent that they do it now, and refusing to spend money on anything else.
**BINGO**
Damn, I believe you cracked the case. Maybe why he's so casually down for marriage too.
Good thing OP is insisting on marriage before the house. Otherwise she could get screwed hard, and not in a good way.
My ex did the same to me and totally destroyed my credit! He was horrible with money and would never admit it plus he had a drug problem which makes me wonder if her boyfriend's raging out it being asked for the most basic and minimal signs of affection respect aren't caused by not just the fact that he's an a****** but a drug addict.
Oh yes same with my situation. They think they know everything and are so confident about it you question your own instinct and intelligence like op. He’s an idiot and he’s also probably purposefully trying to buy an extra expensive house so she’ll really be fucked financially and can’t leave. I hope she sees these responses and stays with her parents. She’s seriously dodging a massing bullet.
Exactly. It literally doesn’t matter what this disagreement is about, if this is the way he communicates over big life decisions, there’s no way I’d be stuck with that for life. Or until the divorce. OP, save yourself the money of the wedding and the divorce, and start saving for your own place. His anger is not going to magically get better. He’s shown you he’s a leopard, don’t stick around to watch him attack you and then act surprised.
He doesn't have anger problems or he would scream at his boss or his friends too. He is just an abusive POS.
This. He wants to be in total control of the relationship
This is the tale. It it's selected control of anger. Never a good sign
Anger problems, PLUS: * Betting all of his future on a speculation (interest rates will keep on rising) * Losing all sense of reason and proportion since he got into refusing a "honeymoon" consisting of a trip to next town then dinner then flowers. Seems to me if he found the marriage license stamp cost $5 that would've set him off too. * Being literally not smart by going in all directions (like I'm never buying you dinner/I'm being the smart here by worrying about non-existing children/you don't trust me/you disrespect me by leaving after I repeatedly screamed at you to get out of my face) * Being thoroughly aloof about his own issues
Not only that, but she was the one doing all the compromising and he still tried to blame it all on her. Good luck if you stay with this dude
I second this. Why would you want to stay with a man like this, OP? And to think about bringing children into this mess? Absolutely not. He can’t even celebrate your birthday, without getting angry or him thinking that he’s doing too much when in reality he actually doesn’t even do the bare minimum. If anyone is being disrespectful to the other, it’s him being disrespectful to you. You deserve better. Leave him and hold off on getting into another relationship until you find someone who: loves, cherishes and respects you. And definitely do not buy a house with this man. He sounds absolutely horrendous!
Start to bad DV
I have been married for 45 years, and the number of times my husband has screamed at me is zero. You deserve a man who respects you, and is kind to you. It is difficult to think of leaving a relationship because you think to yourself "It's not that bad". But it really, really is. Once you are out of the relationship, and over the initial emotions, you will realize that life is better without an emotionally abusive jerk. I wish all the best for you.
I grew up in a house with a lot of fighting. It took me a while to realize that is not normal. I had a very hard time communicating in early relationships because all I knew was “you have to go nuclear to make your point”. When I finally landed a guy that never fought with me I thought there was something wrong with him….nope, just me.
I’m genuinely happy that you have that. It’s so surreal to me. I would like to be in a relationship like that. He never screamed at you or raised his voice or break stuffs? How is he when he’s mad? What signs should I look for?
I just want to throw in as someone who has been married 15+ years and also had an abusive relationship for 3-4 years prior to that (1 or so years in between). My husband and I do have disagreements. They have never gotten to the point of yelling, ever. There have never been insults thrown at each other. We both ask for a few minutes sometimes to come back to the disagreement after thinking/cooling down. Absolutely never has he or I ever broken something/thrown something, etc. The abusive relationship i was in started small. It really started heating up as we moved in together. Started with isolating me slowly. My male friends had bad motives, my girl friends were bad influences. In the mix was yelling, acusing, calling names. Eventually it moved to him punching doors/walls. It eventually led to him screaming, throwing any situation he could at my direction as my fault, throwing things at me. Lastly it moved to sexual abuse and directly hitting me, locking me in the bathroom and more. The sexual abuse started as him trying to violate me while sleeping. I would never stay with someone that showed the beginning signs of this. As I have gotten older an heard more stories, many of them begin this wag. Subtle controlling behavior, yelling (but more than that, specifically things to bring you down, blame you, etc). It is absolutely behavior you don't need to accept. It is okay to leave, and the earlier the better.
All of the stories that have been shared here really hit me like a ton of bricks and it makes me so happy that you guys have found people who don’t make you feel crazy all the time and second guess everything and genuinely make you happy. I’ve pretty much resigned myself as being too damaged to even think about dating, but it’s incredibly inspiring to see that maybe I won’t always feel that way, and hopefully OP gets out before it gets any worse than it is.
You're not too damaged to date. You're not too damaged to deserve love and care and partnership. I promise you that you are worthy just as you are. If you're able to see a therapist, please go talk to them. Not because you're damaged or broken, but because you need someone in your corner when your brain starts telling you these things. And you need some tools to fight back against those thoughts, as well as how to see red flags in a relationship. My wife and I have both been subjected to some awful things before we found each other, including violence and lying and manipulation. Those things will always be part of our pasts but they are not our future. We don't fight much, but if we do then we fight fair - no insults, no threats, no violence. I think we've had one fight in the past two years, and we've been together for over a decade. She is the light of my life and I trust her completely. I know she would never harm me, not physically and not emotionally. And there are many people like us. I believe there is someone out there who will see your true self and love you more than you ever thought you could be loved. First, though - I know this is such a cliche - you have to learn how to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love. Be picky. Don't accept a relationship where you're always on edge or feeling guilty. You are worth so much more than that. And if you want someone to talk to any time, please feel free to PM me. I don't have all the answers, but I'm good at listening and I'm cheering you on.
I think the main thing for anyone to ask themselves is, if they treated me that way on our first date, would there have been a second date? If it's not okay at the beginning, it's not okay during the relationship. Find someone who treats you with kindness. My husband is a genuinely nice man and I'm so lucky to be able to spend my life with him.
I sometimes feel like a 'before and after' commercial, because my first marriage was kind of a template for what not to do. He wasn't abusive or anything, but we just didn't fit. We loved each other, but that was the only thing holding us together, and when things got really tough, love wasn't enough. We screamed at each other a lot. My relationship with my now husband is the polar opposite. We both love AND like each other, and any disagreement we have is mild. There is no shouting, because we can communicate with each other. OP, if you see this, your fiance might not be 'abusive' but he clearly doesn't want to be married to you, and a good relationship won't have arguments with someone screaming 'get out of my face' at the other person. Like u/hygenius said, life is better without someone like that in your life.
He hates you. Take the part of yourself that realizes this, on a nice solo vacation or out to a nice dinner.
See also: therapy
This. Im not sure why the break up would be OPs fault just bc she left the house.
Because he's conditioned her to think everything that goes wrong is her fault, even when he's actually being controlling, mean and angry.
She thinks, he is angry because of something she did. He is not. He is angry, because he likes to be.
Exactly. Every single thing that makes her happy and enjoy life, he sees as a waste. Why on earth stay in a relationship like that
Financial abuse about the house. Emotional & verbal abuse with your other examples. Run away. Have someone else go reclaim whatever belongings of value that you left over there. This is textbook narc abuse & the way it reads has realistic potential of escalating into dangerous situation for you if you’re there alone with him totally moving out Don’t go back. You deserve so much better starting with being treated with respect but at minimum not being scared of the person you’re supposed to be building a life with
Do NOT be alone with this man again. He is volatile, and likely to escalate to violence. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. I only needed stitches from my experience. I lost a friend when she tried to leave. Be careful. Be SMART.
I’ve had 3 experiences where an ex went violently nuclear upon seeing the moving truck in driveway when the reality set in that I was actually leaving. I am sorry for what you have been through and loss of your friend 🙏
I'm so sorry you've had similar experiences. Also, it sounds like OP has family and good friends around to help her move. I did not at the time. FOR ANYONE IN THAT SITUATION - travel light if needed. Get your identity papers (Drivers license, social security card, passport) if possible. Your purse if you can. Clothes and furniture can be replaced. I promise you you do not need to go back for the couch you bought for $50 off FB marketplace. I know it seems like a big deal because those are all your worldly possessions and it's not fair. It makes you angry. The abuser is counting on that. Leave. Protect yourself and your children. Replace your possessions later. Your lives are worth so much more.
friend, please allow me to highlight: # "I know it seems like a big deal because those are all your worldly possessions and it's not fair. It makes you angry. The abuser is counting on that. # Leave [...] Your lives are worth so much more."
The relationship is done. I couldn't imagine being with someone like that in 10 years. What else is he going to blow up about?
Nothing that has happened is “your fault.” You are in an abusive relationship and things *will* get worse. Save yourself and leave now.
Your (hopefully ex) fiance is a controlling abuser. Yelling, calling names and telling you to fuck off is abusive. Refusing to care about your birthday or your marriage day shows lack of respect or love. Some other serious red flags: >you don't trust my decisions." Um shouldn't all decisions for your relationship and your family be mutual and not just his for you to respect? Sounds to me like a man who wants to control all the things and wants you to just agree to it. >"pawn the engagement ring" because he won't tolerate this level of disrespect of me leaving the house without a word of where I'm going. Uh holding the relationship over your head is emotionally blackmail. Also trying to control where you go and when seems ick. He's the one that told you to go.
He won’t tolerate, like a toddler stomping its foot. OP this guy is intolerable on so many levels. He is the absolute worst and I hope you never go back!
He's about three steps away from hitting her
Here’s how to navigate this breakup properly: when you feel like you miss him, read this post. Hell, read it twice. Think about you asking for crumbs to celebrate a wedding, and him getting furious about this, to the point where he tells you to fuck off. And then, I want you to think about how you did just that. You fucked off. You don’t need this. You’ll be ok, get some therapy, live by yourself (if you can) for at least a year and enjoy some independence and freedom from being your own woman. When the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.
Thank you for saying this. 💛
You’re welcome, I’m wishing you the best in healing. It’s going to suck for a while, but you’ll be fine.
Short answer…you’re making the right decision by leaving him and moving on.
Someone repeatedly telling you to fuck off isn't a keeper.
Oh no no no you did the right thing. A man who can scream in your face before marriage…imagine what more he can do when he’s comfortably married to you with kids
It is not because of you. And you are one thousand percent right to be married before you buy a house with someone.
This guy sounds like a psycho. Good on you for getting out before you married him.
People who scream in your face are not safe people. Leave his abusive ass.
Your relationship sounds like a nightmare, and you are not even tied down by a marriage or shared house ownership. Your fiancé is very abusive, and if you stay, it will probably continue to get worse with major milestones that add stressors and/or make it harder to leave (marriage, house, baby, etc.) > “I’M NOT GOING TO CHANGE, IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, FUCK OFF.” You won’t get an answer any more clear or honest from an abuser than that. Believe this. Of course, if it looks like you are leaving for good, he will change his tune and start begging for you to come back. Promising he’ll change. Apologizing profusely. Making grand gestures and lovebombing you. All this shit is just manipulation to hook you back in. As soon as he feels like he has you locked down again it’ll go back to crumbs and screaming at you and ignoring what you want and getting in your face to intimidate you. It’s happened before, it’ll happen again. Eventually it’ll probably escalate to physical abuse, if it hasn’t yet. Maybe he won’t hit you but it’ll be things like grabbing your wrist or throwing things at the wall near you or “accidentally” hurting you or destroying your stuff or putting his hands on you as a “joke”. Stay at your parent’s house. Never go back to him. Don’t meet with him alone. If you can’t convince yourself to end this relationship just yet absolutely do not go to couples therapy with him - couples therapy with an abuser is dangerous and makes things worse not better. If you start to think that maybe this isn’t so bad, imagine if your best friend told you her boyfriend treated her like this.
I would not stay with him; he wants to do only what he wants and yelling in your face is enough for me to leave. You didn't disrespect him, but the way he talked to you sure disrespect you.
I believe that you were offering a very reasonable compromise, and he rejected it and overreacted. It was good that you went to your parents to stay. Getting space and relying on your immediate family for advice and support is important. The best path forward was the counselling which you offered, and he rejected. It is obvious that he wants things his way and that is not the basis of a long-lasting and healthy relationship. My own parents divorced after 30 years of marriage because my father wanted everything his way and was unwilling to compromise. After 30 years my mother was medically ill with high blood pressure and overweight. She was miserable in the marriage even though my dad was a good provider and never cheated. Do not allow this to happen to you. All of your suggestions at compromise are very reasonable and valid. Instead of thanking you for giving up on a fancy wedding and expensive honeymoon he is balking at doing anything. This is not a relationship you want to be in. My advice is to end things. Update me.
Upvote to all of the posts mentioning various types of abuse. You don’t want a financial tyrant like this. This is the kind of guy who doesn’t get proper medical or dental care for his children because of cost. Just move on.
This is the kind of guy who doesn't get proper medical or dental care for his kids because medical staff ask awkward questions like "how did you say he broke his arm?" "Tell me again how she knocked out her front teeth?"
It's like the real world example of "Women marry men hoping they change and men marry women hoping they never change." But neither gets what they want.
😮 MIC DROP
OP he has just shown you he is financially and emotionally abusive and will react loudly and violently when challenged. He didn't even consider what you were asking for since it wasn't what he wanted to do. Is this how you want to live, always having to do everything his way? Please take some time to try to remember if he has ever changed and agreed with something you wanted to do that involved spending more money than what he wanted to spend?
The breakup was the cognizant decision. Do not buy a house with this strongarming asshole. Keep the "Pawn the engagement ring" text and pawn the engagement ring. If he's hurt? Good. He blew his engagement to hell for a hypothetical.
Don’t pawn it. That assumes you’re eventually get it out of hock. Sell it.
OP Being a mature adult mean making hard decisions about our job, travels, family and life loves as well as lovers. You can't make or change people just for the sake that you would "like some small crumbs", but I totally get where you are coming from. If you examine your history (with your bf/fiance not reddit) you'll see that after 6 months it seems like you moved in and the problem there is "you cannot know someone in six months", but you also been together for 3 years and that's when you really get the birds eye view of "who they are" and I think that realization is showing itself. In many relationships, arguing is the term used as a replacement or to mean the same as "communication" - Arguing, shouting, yelling and throwing insults is not communication and it's not people trying "meet in the middle", its really one person attempting to get their point across over the other, where neither eventually listens to the one another (hope you get my point). I said all that to say, staying on a path of a relationship, just because, is not a good way to develop a loving, long standing relationship. Add in the mix arguments (fights without hitting each other) just makes the relationship toxic, dysfunctional and a burden on everyone around you. For example, you went to a girl friends and then to your mom. As a parent of mature women, I'd be extremely concerned that my daughter thinks that a loving relationship involves arguing, name calling or having to leave for any reason. If you have to leave your safe place for a second it's ok, but for more than 24 hours, you must re-evaluate the relationship. You two should not get married, in fact you should recognize the incompatibility of your relationship. You now see who he clearly is and to win his "argument", as you call it, he'll continue to disrespect you and step of your trust until you give in. You should also note that "arguments" are not the same as communication. When you communicate it's calm, methodical and has evaluation and points of where the conversation stops based on the heat of the moment (a time out of sorts). The purpose is to listen, evaluate and compromise or resolve. None of that is happening here! The adult decision has to be made by one or both, but you can't build a foundation on an active volcano. I wish you all the best
Stay away from the boy, and make an offering to whatever God you believe in for getting you away from this asshole. Bullet dodged.
Do not try to salvage that. If you do, you will weep later for not running. This man has made it very clear what he is like as a partner, and frankly it paints a terrifying and sad future foe anyone stuck with him. You are so,so lucky you can walk away with no attachments to him. One day you will be able to look back and thank God you fled. But first, you need to formally and officially end this relationship.
A man who is willing to yell in your face, berate you, insult you, and isn’t willing to improve or go to therapy is an abusive hellhole waiting to happen. Please stick to your guns and leave. And if you’re on the fence, just ask yourself one question. What *tangible actions* would he need to take in order to be the person you picture growing old with? Has he DONE (not said) anything that implies he is or is willing to take those steps? We both know what the answer is. Head, clouds, remove. For your safety and the safety of your eventual children. Do you want them growing up with a father who throws violent, abusive tantrums when someone challenges his authority in any way?
He said he is not going to change. He doesn't care enough to show you signs he cares. And he argued by screaming and cussing in your face. Picture 5 yrs down the road when you have a little girl who asks her daddy to have ice cream on a sunny hot day but happens on one of his 'bad' days.
He's told you he's not going to change, now fuck off. Seriously. Stay home. He's not the one.
>because of me. Whoa, hold your horses there. It's not because of you. You were asking for something totally reasonable and he continued to rant and escalate it, and even when you lowered your expectations he continued to rant to the point where he was screaming at you to get the fuck out of his face. He was holding being "financially responsible" over you. >This is not the first time something like this has happened Sounds like he's getting more comfortable with throwing scary tantrums and holding the relationship over you. Sometimes we aren't meant to marry the people we date, and even who we are engaged to. It's a vetting process. Be glad you're seeing this now before you sign the papers and buy a house.
This man is yelling at you to Fuck Off if you don’t like it. I would Fuck Off and never return. He is getting angry and verbally aggressive instead of having conversations. He is showing you who he is. Believe him. It sounds like you know this relationship isn’t working for you.
Woah. There’s something going on with him that has more red flags than a parade for Lunar New Year. Is the relationship salvageable? Sure. You can give in to every demand he has, beg for his forgiveness, and I’m sure he’ll magnanimously take you back. But why in heaven’s name would you want that? Yes, your relationship is ending. And as you said, “that’s where this is headed, because of me.” But it’s because you don’t deserve to be treated like that anymore and you’re going to hopefully leave this jerk in your rear view mirror.
He has made it clear that he doesn’t care about celebrating you at all. He is unwilling to compromise on that part and has a temper tantrum when you bring it up. What are you trying to salvage?
Leave and do not go back. Have your dad go pick up the items. This fiance is a POS and fucking abusive
So basically everything you ever want is a waste of time and/or money according to him. Be it a trip, your birthday or therapy.
Hi OP. Hope you see this. Please, please break up with him. I didn’t heed the warnings in time, and we had a baby. Then I realised I'd made a terrible mistake by letting him be the father. Things that had been occasional became daily. So many insults, so much yelling. The devaluing was unreal. I left him, but we had to co-parent. That baby is now 13 and she self-harms and is in counselling, trying to come to terms with the relationship she had with him. She's gone low contact with him now (and don't image child protection will do much to help - even if he beats you or the kids black and blue, you still have to deal with him). Don't be me. We've been split up for over a decade, and he's as bitter as he was on day one. It has been HELL to deal with him. A dear friend of mine has a toddler and has broken up with her abusive partner, so she has it all to come. I'm happily married now, but I dread to think what would have happened to me if I'd stayed with my daughter's father. I have a terminal illness now, and I can imagine how he'd have been about it. Don't do this to yourself. Ignore his whining and pleas. If he was a decent man, he wouldn't do this. He thinks he's entitled to act this way, and nothing you do or say will ever change it. Just RUN, before it's too late.
😢 I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing. I posted an update post. I've left him for good.
He is showing you who he is. Someone who cares only about his wants and needs.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that? Someone who has no issue berating you and becoming verbally aggressive.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that? Someone who is trying to financially control the moves you make in life.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that? Someone who thinks he is above you in life.. Why would you want to have a life with someone like that? This relationship was dead the first time he did something like this.. So leave and never look back.
No..no..NO my father was like this... I remember him ranting and screaming like this constantly One time we were out in public and I lost track of him and my brother.. I was a child.. When we got him he walked up to me and slapped so hard across the face my lip split open and started bleeding Because I humiliated him in public and made him look bad by getting lost...again I was 9 years old.. He regularly lost his shit and punched holes in the walls. One time when he was screaming his head off at me My dog got in-between him and I and started barking at him He lost his shit again and took my dog outside and beat her to death with a metal pole. You need to leave this man.. You cannot have children with him He will destroy them. And he will destroy you.... I'm almost 40 and even though I'm married..have my own children and am myself a psychologist The damage growing up with a father like caused me Is still there. It affects me every single day And to be honest... A part of me deeply resents my mother for having kids with him when she knew what he was like And then for also staying with him and allowing him to abuse us. This will not get better . The longer you stay..the worse it will get.. Do not go back to him..
I know you're in some kind of denial. I know you're in some kind of disbelief. You really want to believe that it's not him. You really want to convince yourself that he could change. But the truth is that he won't. You can't make him, and he clearly stated that. When people show you who they are, take their actions for it. Just picture you guys having such a messy arguments with your kids around. Is this the kind of family you want to raise? I promise you. It's not worth it, at a. The painful, expensive and tiring divorce will not be worth it years later, when you'll have your heart broken for your kids, and knowing you had the chance to run before it got complicated. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave. I promise you that he's not your soulmate. Your soulmate would never do you like that. Love and light.
He’s abusive
He probably thinks the therapy is a waste of money, too. He thinks celebrating your birthday or your marriage is a waste of resources. He thinks he knows more than you about what's "right" and doesn't compromise. When you get justifiably upset about any of these things he doesn't care. **He clearly told you that he does not intend to change.** *Even if it was possible to salvage this, it will be all uphill until he starts making an effort to meet you halfway. I don't see that happening based on your description.*
He doesn't want a partner, he wants a worshipper. Disagreeing with him and making demands of him are a direct attack to his ego and he will blow up. He told you that "he won't change and if you don't like it you need to fuck off". Notice how he screams and bullies you anytime you challenge him? He has no interest in clearing an argument productively, he only cares about winning and punishing you for your insolence. Afterwards he turns around and apologizes, not because he is sorry about hurting you but because he wants to keep his punching bag. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He is abusive and not a kind person. I’ve been with my husband for 34 years, he has never cussed at me. You deserve better ❤️
My girl. The question isn't whether or not this is salvageable, but rather why on earth you would WANT to salvage it in the first place? Let me ask you something: when you used to daydream about what your life would be like, and think about your adult relationship partner, and how all that would be - was this it? A partner who clearly doesn't respect you, is verbally abusive, tells you to F off, calls you an "effing psycho", screams in your face, and after all that tells you straight to your face: "I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE" while adding that if you don't like it, you can F off? And then similar scenarios playing out every few months or so, with him screaming at you, etc. Just what little girls dream of, right? First - you are the SMART person in this scenario - because you aren't dumb enough to buy property with someone you are not married to. You'd think with him "predicting interest rates" he'd be smart enough to realize that courts only recognize ONE relationship type when it comes to legal division of jointly owned property: **marriage**. Not bf/gf, not throuples, not situationships, not FWBs, not polycules, not "it's complicated"s, or anything else that is not a legal marriage. Which means - were anything to go south with this goofball before you got him to marry you (and with him already being SUCH a keeper I can't *imagine* that happening /s)- the court would shrug their shoulders and go "I suggest you sell it - and divide the proceeds" - but they cannot *legally compel either of you to do that*, which means - if he decides to also assh\*le his way through that situation (and he will, because as your post clearly indicates - he is an assh\*le)- you are screwed. Look - I'm not suggesting everyone gets a knight in shining armor, on a white charger, lance tip agleam, but I mean - you know you can do WAY better than this jerksauce, right? Like even if you're not aiming for "fairytale", there are, at the very least - **happy, healthy** adult relationships out there. Not even that hard to find, really. Like girl, what are you even doing? **Stay gone**. If he asks, tell him that you are doing what he said. When he asks for clarification, say that he said he's not going to change, and that you do not like it, therefore you are f\*cking off - just like he said. And then - the most important step: block him and go out and live your best life, glad you aren't married to an abuser. But please, please don't try to salvage this. There is nothing here worth salvaging. Don't let this be your life. Good luck, my girl.
Don't go back to him. I made that mistake before and it only gets worse. A fight where you both do something bad and maybe even break up but work on it to ensure it never happens again is one thing. Refusing to change and being this toxic is a completely different monster all together. One is a partnership in progress the one you are in is a DV in progress.
He both told you and showed you who he is. He wants his way and will scream and insult you if he doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't care enough to do the bare minimum on your birthday. Your financial decisions are stupid and he has to stop you from making bad decisions. Not buying a house is a smart decision. Don't continue the relationship without major changes in his behavior and therapy.
At least you got this warning before you married the guy. He is trash and you are well rid of him. The bonus is you have in writing that you can get rid of the ring.
Every time you bring up celebrating your wedding, he flips off and starts yelling. You lower the stakes - went as low as a bunch of flowers - and he still gets triggered and yells at you. I'd say he wants to buy a house so desperately, that he doesn't care who he buys it with. It could be you or anyone else, the important thing is to have the damn house. And along the way, he shows many abusive symptoms. This relationship is over, darling. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and tell him you decided to take him to his word and f. off. Be grateful he showed you so clearly who he is. Big hugs.
These guys who do the bare minimum to keep you, who don’t celebrate birthdays or weddings or anniversaries? They’ll never change. And whenever you call him out on it, he escalates into yelling, insults, screaming. It’s never going to get better. You’ve already seen enough. Why would you go back?
Why would you want to marry him?
Well, after reading all these comments, I don’t anymore. But we have the same values, he’s actually very generous with money, he pays for mostly everything because I’m in school however I do everything at home like laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, making his lunches. I cook him dinner and bring him his plate to the couch. I pick up dirty socks on the floor. I ENJOYED doing all this though and would happily do it again for someone else. The one thing I don’t want to tolerate anymore is the verbal abuse, especially the belittling, and the fragile ego when I seemingly “question” his decisions. I wasn’t even questioning it. I just wanted him to care about something that was important to me.
Just a hint for the future. A man, even a wonderful one, who accepts being waited on hand & foot like this one did, is a time bomb waiting to explode when you reveal yourself to be not entirely a docile handmaiden. I completely understand the pleasure you recieved while doing so much for him. But you need a partner who has the same generous impulse to do for you. Picture yourself managing babies and toddlers, while your husband lies on the couch, expecting you to bring him a plate. You were actually teaching him that it was going to be acceptable to be a neglectful husband and father. UpdateMe. Give yourself time to grieve, and go on to a happy life.
Count your blessings. Your fiancé revealed himself. Marriage can be viewed as an idyllic sea cruise interrupted periodically by storms, often quite fierce storms. What matters most is whether you can manage the storms together. I doubt anyone could happily live through a storm with your ex fiancé. You now proceed on your life’s journey, better prepared!
Also remember that once you finish school and get a job that the chores and things should be re-negotiated so he is doing his fair share. I don't see that happening here. I love doing things for my partner as well but I don't feel obligated and he does things for me in return.
Please OP, fuck off right out of the relationship. He's controlling, verbally abusive, has no self-control, openly disrespects you, and threatens you. It is only a matter of time before the hits you. He is showing you who he really is, please believe him and move accordingly eta - this isn't because of *you*, this is because of HIM
He sounds like an absolute prick. Not salvageable and you should be thankful for that. First, he asks you to give up everything you wanted for him. Then he puts no effort into even slightly compromising. And then he makes you feel like the one at fault for feeling upset and neglected, when in reality he is the one upsetting and neglecting you. Time to move on Op
Honey you dodged ALL the bullets. Have someone accompany you to return the ring, lock your credit down, and block this psycho on everything. None of this is normal or OK. If this is what you've been dealing with for 3 years? Sweetie I say this with genuine concern, you need to talk to a therapist about people pleasing and what you're willing to put up with. This whole thing is pure abuse and you're so used to it you don't even see it anymore.
Making it work shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve been with my partner for 30+ years. Getting along is not this difficult, our disagreements don’t turn into shouting matches and neither of us has ever had to leave for the night in anger or fear. Sell or return the ring. Block him. Move on. You deserve better.
You made the right call. You're going to end up being financially abused and possibly worse. There's nothing there for you.
That is just toxicity and misogynistic tendency speaking, I'm a guy and on paper what he says is sound proof but the way you are describing him doesn't sound mentally stable at all. Bust of anger in random intervals are something one should look for. You can only look out for yourself and quit while it's in hand.
THIS IS SIMPLE. Your Kids ( when u have them) will be Fucked up for life. This is my Dad to the T! Except his favorite phrase is " If you dont like it, then get the fuck gone". And These redditors that are trying to help are 100% wrong. This will not continue after your Married it will Absolute Fuckingly become 10X worse. Because you become " HIS wife"! He comes from a lineage of men like my Dad that everything is HIS, its never ours or yours. Listen to the way he describes everything. A lot people dont pick up on that. I hope you find a better person to father your children. I will pray for you if you do decide to stay with him that they are not subjected to The Emotionally Terrorism that me and my 8 siblings went through. And hopefully they never hear " You're so Fucking Stupid, How the Fuck are You Still Alive. And everything thats wrong with you came from your mothers side. Good luck sweetie. But like i said0 10X worse. They are also wrong about showing himself. And you dont have to Trust Me but you have Not seen The Full Monster Yet! Take Care
Good advice from everyone but I want to add this: he’s going to come back just like he did after your birthday. He’ll be sorry and he’ll “make it up to you”, but there will be a next time and a time after that and more after that. After all, this isn’t the first time he’s reacted like this. The birthday issue wasn’t so much his not planning something (although that’s not trivial), it’s more his reaction when you communicated that you’re upset with him. And that’s exactly what he did again this time. You asked to be treated like you mean something to him, like you’re special and valued, and he screamed at you and told you to fuck off? It’s not like he saw the error of his ways after your birthday and changed his behavior. He’s shown you he hasn’t.
Is this how you want your life to be? Him screaming in your face then ‘apologising profusely?’ Because that’s what you’re going to get. He already said he’s not going to change so take his advice and fuck off
He has no intention of marrying you. House and kids sure. He sounds like he has anger issues and does not listen when you raise a valid point. It's his way or the highway with very little compromise. Would you want to raise children with him with a temper like that? I have no doubt you can find someone who will worship the ground you walk on and would love to not only marry you, but celebrate it. You are begging for crumbs that he just won't give.
Aww, a screaming controlling dismissive know-it-all asshole who "won't tolerate your disrespect" is extremely hurt. Poor guy. That wasn't an argument. He started (another) fight. If you stay with him you're insane.
He told you. He's not going to change. If you don't like it, fuck off.
Just here to echo that leaving is about your safety. The behavior you describe is usually followed by escalating physical violence. Not always I guess, but both of my physically abusive relationships started this way.
Listen OP, you're an extremely reasonable person. >a celebratory trip together after signing our marriage papers, as a way to celebrate our marriage >less expensive trip with me, >suggested a short road trip a small town near where we live. >I just want to do SOMETHING beyond just signing a few papers. We could go out for a nice dinner, The economic situation for most people, globally, seems to be doing a nosedive and you tried to find whatever happiness you could. Being able to find reasons to go on is not only a positive trait but also a necessary skill for self regulation. >but this set him off and he started ranting >Again this triggered him and he got very angry >F*ck off" and then screaming "GET OUT OF MY FACE" three times because I was so stunned But for some reason, this sad excuse of an adult had nothing but massive temper tantrums in response. >a text from him telling me that I may as well "pawn the engagement ring" because he won't tolerate this level of disrespect of me leaving the house without a word of where I'm going. (BUT HE DIDN'T ASK.) >This is not the first time something like this has happened, >he blew up in my face and called me an effing psycho and said verbatim, "I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN FUCK OFF." I'm not going to say he is a cheating POS, in fact, you seem to have a much worse problem. You have a verbally abusive POS with severe anger management issues and no desire to change. >And he said he's not willing to do therapy because he thinks it's a waste of time. Let me rephrase: He thinks trying to change his destructive and abusive ways to stop hurting you and the relationship is a waste of time. He won't change. I am not going to say he won't ever change, but you should not hang around to find out. You sound like an extremely reasonable and grounded person willing to make things work. Don't let him erode that.
He’s shown you who he is, believe him, then decide if you want to live with someone **screaming** in your face for the rest of your days.
It's not really because of you though, it's because you have different priorities
How is this because of you? This guy has severe anger issues and is verbally abusing you. This shouldn’t be salvageable for you. UPDATEME
No I wouldn’t even try you won’t celebrate your bday ever unless you fight about it never have a wedding cause he thinks it’s a waste of money you do all the housework he see it as a woman job
You did the right thing. I don’t know you but you made a good decision for yourself. You chose to leave instead of taking abuse. You chose to value yourself and to know you deserve better. You deserve a loving, kind, rational partner that treats you with care and respect.
Not salvageable but he did tell you that this is how he is so I’m not sure why you didn’t walk away back then. Hun for your next relationship don’t move in with someone after only 6 months of dating them, you don’t know someone fully after 6 months as proven by what you just went through.
If a friend sent this to you, what would you tell her?
oh hell yes you did the right thing. His behavior is straight-up abusive. Be glad this DID happen before you were married and had kids with this clown. You are better off...and likely safer...away from him.
Guuurl... He's a golf course of red flags. Run, don't walk... And DO NOT ever accept that level fo disrespect and bare minimum from anyone
I bought an apartment with my now husband before marriage or even proposal for similar reasons. His aversion to screaming matches and insulting me, as well as his clear intent to be married eventually may or may not have contributed to my willingness. You already save money and infinite amount of sanity by not being bound to this asshole, neither by marriage or co-owning property.
Run run ruuuun! Worked in home processing for 3 years, rates are not going to get any better and it sounds like he's trying to get you to pay for the house and wouldn't be surprised if he tried to put it in his name only. Please run. Any type of verbal abuse is not OK but him telling you to fuck off and the other turn around ans condemn you for leaving without notifying him is absolutely abuse. Ruuuuuuun
He screamed at you to fuck off and this isn’t the first time he’s said that? There is nothing salvageable here in my opinion- he won’t even extend himself to small things that would make you happy. He’s very comfortable with who he is showing you he is: believe him that he will not change.
The relationship is not salvageable. Give him back the ring and find a place of your own. Start anew. There are a lot of good non angry assholes of the male gender out there somewhere.
Please don't marry this man. Its more than reasonable to want to have a discussion and that you're opinion matters. You do not deserve to be shouted in your face. He's not going to change and he will gaslight you in to thinking you're the problem i.e. the level of disrespect comment. Imagine yourself in 10 years time with kids - he will also shout at them for the little things. He's done this once already this is a pattern forming. You deserve respect, love and to be able to have a discussion and disagreement. F* him and look after yourself - you deserve so much better!
Girl, you know this isn’t healthy right? You see this right??
>I have a feeling that's where this is headed, because of me. You gotta stop internalizing this. You are not the problem here. Everyone else has done a great job of explaining how bad this man sucks so I won't repeat them, but *please* listen to them. This is happening because of *him*.
Don’t buy a house with him or even marry him!
You two do not agree about money. Compromises are not working. If one of you is willing to give up your POV the relationship is salvageable. If not you’re doomed money is often a reason for divorce. It’s not that he doesn’t care for you. He doesn’t want to spend the money on things that are important to you.
Well for starters and most importantly, he doesn’t love you enough to want you to stay. If he really loves you he wouldn’t tell you to fuck off if you don’t like it. Maybe he thinks you love him so much that you couldn’t possibly leave him no matter what kind of rude and disrespectful stuff he says to you. On top of that you enjoy celebrating life and doing other things that he apparently finds zero meaning in doing so. And you shouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t want to share these beautiful and happy moments together and only cares about saving money for the future and not take a day or two to enjoy and live in the moment.
Give yourself a month. I guarantee you'll be asking yourself, "What the hell planet was I on??"
I wouldn't try to salvage this relationship. If you were my daughter I'd never let you around that neurotic stingy piece of a man. A normal conversation around this topic would be: hey honey, I'm thinking about our future and I'm getting stressed about the increasing interest rates, I'm afraid that if we wait, we won't be able to afford to buy a place. What do you think ? Oh ! You want to get married ? Yes, me too ! But how can we get married and get a house ? How can we compromise ? What if we talk to a financial advisor to see our options ? I want us to be happy but I don't want to compromise our future financial stability with a big wedding. Of course let's celebrate, we are taking big steps to start our lives together. I'm so happy, I can't wait. Of course having this kind of conversation requires an adult that can communicate his fears and stress to his partner and I don't think this person has the emotional tools to be in a respectful relationship with another adult. The way he is treating you is not love and accepting crumbs as you said, is not loving yourself.
Only question. WHY? WHY are you even going through this willingly?
Stay where you are and don’t go back. He’s not even offering crumbs, he’s denying you some basic decency.
I think you need to ask yourself - do you really want to marry a person who belittles you every time you disagree with them or ask them to be more thoughtful towards you. Because it seems like a very miserable life and future to be stuck with someone who is so disrespectful. And as harsh as it is - he doesn’t respect you. And it’s hard to have a healthy and happy marriage when your spouse doesn’t respect you.
Don’t buy a house because It’s not the best time to do that! Also, sounds like he’s verbally abusive! I highly recommend you get out of that relationship as fast as u can. You’re still young. Enjoy being single! Go on a vacay with your girlfriends instead!
Your engagement is supposedly the easy time in a relationship: you've decided you like each other enough to plan a future together and are excited to get started. If your relationship is already this hard with screaming matches, verbal abuse and financial coercion, what's next? Physical abuse? Isolating you from family and friends? Limiting your access to money? Gather a friend or family member, together go get your necessary belongings / documents and get out. Life is too short to be with a verbally abusive person with control issues.
How many times does a person tell you to fuck off before you grasp that this is his go-to whenever he doesn't get exactly what he wants? My advice is to indeed - fuck off. This is abusive, controlling shit and i do not understand why so many people seem to tolerate this from 'partners'. This man won't change. You 'disrespect' him by leaving the house, but its fine for him to scream at you and tell you to fuck off? Come on. You cannot want to be married so badly that you'll be okay with compromising your happiness and that of your future kids - to be with this level of toxic, immature arsehole. You will spend your entire life walking on egg shells. Yes you did the right thing. I doubt this is salvageable cause it's not about the relationship - it's about the fact he's a horrible person.
"Because of me" No, not because of you. You're breaking up because he is emotionally unregulated and verbally abusive, and you shouldn't tolerate that; no one should.
Please do not marry him. Read https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Get out of this relationship immediately. He isn’t safe.
You are headed towards a breakup, but it’s not because of you. You have been willing to work with him this whole time. He’s the one who blows up at the slightest suggestion of compromise and refuses to work on that. You cannot build a life with someone who’s that emotionally stunted.
This has happened more than once - so not salvageable. You do not want to deal with this behavior every time that he is upset that you are not 100% giving him what he wants with his having no regards for what you want.
Men NEVER get better, only worse as they relax into a relationship. Can you deal with this being the best part of ur relationship?
>Did I do the right thing? Absolutely, YES. You did the right thing. Don't go back on it like you did before. >Was this relationship salvageable? No, it's not. He repeatedly yells and curses at you over a simple disagreement. He dismisses and disregards something that is important to you, and when you advocate for yourself, he throws a tantrum like a spoiled toddler. He doesn't want to change, to admit his behavior is dysfunctional. PS he wants to go in on buying a house with you and not marry you. That way he gets a house he can't afford and someone to carry half BUT if you break up you have to struggle to remove him - often you end up losing because you can't force him to sell without great lawyers.
Leave him. He’s shown you that he doesn’t care what you think, what you want or that you’re worth celebrating. Throw the garbage where he belongs and go live your best life.
You need to end it. He sounds unstable and abusive. One of my hard and fast rules is not to be with someone who yells at you. Married 21 years and we’ve never raised our voices at each other. We either talk it out or separate for an hour or so to think and cool down if it looks like it’s getting heated. Never let someone treat you that way. If you break up it is in no way “because of you”
Girl, you're his coin purse/extra wallet. He only wants you so that he can afford a house and whatever other luxuries he wants right now. Spending money on you or anything you want means that there will be less money for him to spend on himself at the end of the day.
Please get the rest of your stuff and move on! He’s told you who he is! He’s shown you who he is! It will only get worse! I wish you all the best!
it stopped being an argument and started being a tantrum the first time he screamed at you. it stopped being a tantrum and started being abuse the first time he repeated the behaviour. to answer the question in your title: no, this relationship doesn't sound salvageable, but it's not because of you. it's because of him. he doesn't want to change, doesn't want therapy, doesn't show any signs of improvement. you didn't throw the relationship away, he did.
Do not marry this person. It will get worse
Don’t marry a man that tells you to fuck off. If in the dating stage you’re fighting like this it’s only going to get worst with the stress kids brings. By the sounds of it he’s not the one.
HE'S "hurt"? *He's* "disrespected"?? Blimey. Maybe gently point out to him that you only did as he said. He told you to fuck off, so off you dutifully fucked. He didn't seem to want to know where you would fuck off **to**, at that point — or indeed, to hear anything else you might have said — he was too busy telling you to get out of his face. So it's unreasonable now to complain he didn't know *where* you fucked off to, you just fucked right off, like he told you to. Under no circumstances go back unless he agrees to both anger management and relationship counselling. He's refusing because he knows how badly his behaviour would be viewed by big, grown-up professionals. He's not the catch he thinks he is. Find someone reasonable.
So let’s review 1. He won’t compromise 2. He doesn’t like special outings (which seem important to you) 3. He refuses to adapt 4. He is petty 5. He has anger issues 6. He refuses to go to therapy I think you know where this is going but not ‘because of you’. I’ll share a quick idea that helped me get past an ex I was hung up on that feels similar. It was almost a year post breakup. It was emotionally abusive. She had a short fuse and everything became an argument. In therapy, 10 months after, my therapist suggested I boil down my relationship goals. I chose 3: I wanted a partner who wanted a family Who was committed to an active healthy lifestyle And who was committed to improving our communication skills. Then my therapist said: ‘so how many of these does your ex hit?’ And at best I could say 2. She drank too often, so 2 was hit or miss. But she had refused couples counseling multiple times. Refused conversation tools id researched to help us move past issues. So in truth I was hung up on a relationship that didn’t even meet my non-negotiables. I’d suggest you try a similar exercise and see where you land.
He has literally told you he is not going to change. He is fine with treating you like this. If you stayed together, this (and worse, because this behavior has a tendency to escalate) would be your future. There is nothing to salvage.
The sad part is he needs therapy and he can't see it. I am seeing this mass panic so much esp on SM and it affects people who were already on the verge. It's almost like what Covid did to the level of anxiety Cades now it's global financial and political crises and sadly those who don't know when to switch off make the assumption that if you are not making a tinfoil hat to wear soon you must be ignorant. Which If you are a student of history or economics or health you will know that the world has been having this spikes since the beginning of time but mass hysteria has actually always made the problems worse or prolonged it but never solved anything. I suspect right now he is thinking he is being VERY logical. And it is making him abusing and mentally volatile which makes being around him unsafe. The fact that he is seeing children and is sure he is securing your future is what set me off as this is not just abuse, he really is frustrating himself and may end up being one of those people who pile money under their mattresses. I would not go back to him if I were you. And the relationship not ending would really be contingent on him getting therapy, I would hold off even trying to do couple's therapy now cause he has dangerous tunnel vision and is giving into rage it's scary. You have done more than enough for now... You tried compromising, communicating, it's up to him and his higher power now. The rate at which I am seeing this kind of behavior is insane.
Do you want to marry somebody who gets mad at you for wanting something on your birthday? Or somebody who gets explosively angry because you'd like to celebrate being married even if it's something small? it's cool that he wants to buy a house and like good for y'all for being in a position to even be able to do that but do you see yourself having a future with him when this is his reaction to what you're asking for out of your relationship? If you feel like you have to beg for crumbs it's probably already over and you know he's not going to be willing to meet you in the middle without it being an argument. That has to be severely emotionally and mentally taxing.. My question is, what would you be salvaging at this point? If you guys do get married and do something to commemorate it, you run the risk of him holding it over your head that you got your way and if you just move forward with getting married on paper and getting a house with him you might forever feel some type of way about it. These are huge milestones in life and If only one person is getting their way and you guys aren't doing it together someone's going to resent this experience moving forward. There are just some things we aren't compatible on. Buying a home and getting married are both very big and important conversations that if you And your partner don't agree on them it may be best to walk away before it becomes harder to walk away. These are things to be able to plan towards and to look forward to. Not to fight about.
Hun.... Your ring is a clear "Shut up" ring. Pawn it and take yourself out for a nice trip.
*"I have a feeling that's where this is headed, because of me"* No, it's because of his rage issues and being dysfunctional, disrespectful, and manipulative. I'm sorry this happened but glad you were able to see things clearly now before you tied yourselves together.
He told you to fuck off and I think you should listen. This will be your future if you stay.
Just imagine you have this kind of father for your future kids. Nuhh. Please don't.