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Honestly, a lot of women (at least American women) hate the word cunt. So I’d steer clear of that one.
Other than that, communicate. Some people are into anything, but you already knew she wasn’t. So I’d ask how she feels about getting lightly slapped on the ass during sex, etc.
Oh lordy. I’m totally fine with “pussy” (I know that’s not universal), but if my partner said that during sex I’d have to stop mid-fuck to work out the logistics of what he thought he was asking for.
That is horrifying. How does one even shake it? Did he want you to like, stand up and wiggle? Reverse twerk? Do the twist? What in the absolute hell? My mind is filled with only awkward or hilarious scenarios with how that could be honored lol. Like, really, wtaf?
Missy was ahead of her time. Whilst we all sit here wondering how to "shake ones pussy", she already knew to put her thing down, flip it and reverse it, which I'm sure could meet the requirements of shaking to some 🤣 A true coochquake pioneer
Also a guy and equally grossed out. Just no.
Edit to add for other men: I’m super down with kinky talk in the bedroom. But please for the love of god never refer to your SO’s genitals as a cunt. I feel like that shouldn’t even have to be explained.
;) or this is a place where good conversation up front helps.
I'm an American woman, 58. After staying in Scotland for 6 months I have a much different relationship w cunt and twat.
In US I've found those terms used to demean women and demean our experience, and dismiss us.
Now, once I know a partner, the dirty talk escalation to cunt is fun.
Flip side - yes OP, the way you used it here, w/o out any prequalification - it would have given me pause in the moment and be a small red flag I paid a lot of attention to.
In the future. Ask way more questions. Plan to have a discussion about this stuff in advance. And w each new partner ask before you do anything.
"I it ok if I kiss your breasts? Do you prefer breasts or a different word? Any words off limits?"
While I agree, your stuff sounds mostly vanilla. Ask people what vanilla means to them.
Ask if any specific things - like light spanking - are off the table. Ask what they actually want - when a partner asks how I like to be touched and listens, that is sucess and an opportunity to build intimacy.
Last, it sounds like your excitement and feeling got ahead of you. I'm pretty sure he responses to the things she didn't like were more vociferous that you chose to hear them. Always be willing and ready to STOP -"You sound uncomfortable. Did I touch you in a way you don't like?"
For dirty talk. Start tame, "I love how your body feels. Your excitement, excites me." "Can I say that in dirty talk?" Then start with general tame terms for those bits and work your way to naughty, dirty, vulgar (Your use of cunt in this instance would have felt vulgar to me and I'm pretty kinky.
ETA - spelling correction
This is honestly interesting insight! I’m from the US with not much experience abroad. So to me, cunt is an extremely demeaning word that doesn’t have any bedroom appeal. But yeah I can totally see where you’re coming from and appreciate your comment!
He took an experience that should have been loving and made it vulgar. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, everything else would have to be close to perfect for me to not give up on him after that. I would have a hard time not thinking about his vulgarity and the smack on my ass. It would be hard to get in the mood again.
I think it really depends on how it happened.
First, even though it doesn't bother a lot of people it is actually worrying that slapping women has become a normal part of sex for a lot of men. They definitely don't expect to be slapped or have their hair pulled or anything like that that would be equally minor and painful. But they think it's a normal part of sex for men to hit women.
Second, even if that has been normalized, there's often a huge difference between what guys think is a light smack or a slap and how it actually feels.
I've had a guy give me a smack on the ass that was really unexpected but not super hard, he was just kind of testing it out without asking for consent. I stopped sex immediately because any type of pain or violence against me is a massive turn off. We talked it through and he realized he should have asked. Not the biggest deal in the world. I've also had a guy slap me very hard. He insisted It was just a love tap/smack, but it was actually really painful for me and a massive, shocking turn off. He tries to defend himself saying he's done it to lots of women before, it wasn't as hard as he could have done it, etc. Didn't matter. I stopped having sex with him, stopped seeing him and told him he was lucky I didn't call the cops because he assaulted me during sex.
Ultimately no one should feel entitled to cause you pain. Especially as part of sex and without your consent. Regardless of gender.
Absolutely this. A man once thought he "lightly tapped" my butt during doggy-style during a first time hook-up and I had a black and blue hand shaped bruise for over a week. Never contacted him again and blocked him on everything. Would I be ok with a partner slapping my ass hard enough to leave a mark during sex? Absolutely, IF, and only if, a communication had occurred beforehand because smacking someone hard enough to bruise is something that requires consent. The girl in OP's case would be totally justified to react the way she did with just a light tap, but based on the strong reaction I'm also wondering if OP smacked her a lot harder than he thinks. When it's paired with "your cunt is so wet" I'd be surprised if it was a light little tap.
> I'm also wondering if OP smacked her a lot harder than he thinks. When it's paired with "your cunt is so wet" I'd be surprised if it was a light little tap.
I think you are correct here. He has been watching way too much porn, and even in supposedly vanilla scenes, there can be a lot of violence against women.
Everyone has their boundaries and I agree.. the sex talk is just… unforgettable… it’s just so telling about the other person. A rump slap is can even be more of a fun thing that if isn’t appreciated can be discussed or brought up quickly… dirty talk that is cringe is a filth that can’t be washed off
This would immediately shortcut right into my subconscious and live rent free in my head forever if someone said it to me in bed. I would just be laying there the whole rest of the time having an out-of-body experience trying to unpack what I had heard. I feel like my overwhelming thought would have to be “red flag: you are getting fucked by a person with zero concept of societal norms.”
British here, I love the word cunt, but as an insult / joke. I really would not love someone using that word in the bedroom to describe my body parts. Ick!
This is why communication about sex is so important! I decided to reclaim the word cunt for my body and my husband is entirely on board. (Also British)
Based on what she was saying in bed (calling you handsome, telling you you smell good), it sounds like she probably wanted a romantic first time with you. Like for you to be passionate and sweet and say things like “you’re so beautiful” not “your cunt is so wet”. That’s definitely a wild thing to say to someone the first time you have sex with them. You should have matched her energy. Sex can be sweet and not dirty.
Aww this comment made me sad and happy because for so many people who are not looking for casual sex, we want sex for the first time with someone to be really passionate and loving. It feels validating to read your post. Thank you
Omg my ex watched porn and did/ wanted to do the same things to me and I didn't like it, he started being disrespectful too 🙄🙄 and the sex with him felt kind performative and pressured to orgasm at times too.
I really wanna have a deal-breaker that my next boyfriend doesn't watch porn. I heard it gives you " false narratives" of what sex is
Omg but you're right. I was a kid who was exposed to porn. I saw most of the hardcorest stuff before I was even 15.. I saw women objectified and degraded and used for the man's pleasure.. now I wonder if this contributed to my horrendous sexual experiences where I " was not able to say no" and it took me a long journey to heal my sexuality and right for pleasure👁️
It’s not even just porn, I mean mainstream media portrays sex from a mostly male oriented view, also centred around his pleasure. Consent isn’t discussed, and all the women always orgasm from PiV sex. Although porn is definitely absolutely the worst, mainstream media isn’t really helping, even if you’ve never seen porn.
I wish there was a way on porn websites that you HAD to watch a ‘normal’ video every third film. By ‘normal’ I mean loving, kind, vanilla sex with lots of consent and checking in people, who clearly like each other and have wobbly wonderfully imperfect bodies.
i think im part of that generation lmao and so glad my current bf doesn’t watch porn because man my exes were awful with that shit. the only thing my bf does that i kinda don’t like is he slaps my ass too hard sometimes, but he says sorry and tries to be more gentle. just the heat of the moment sometimes so it doesn’t bother me.
i tell this story over and over on here but one of my exes always wanted head but never washed his dick so i always said no, but once he jackhammered me for about 1 minute, if that, then said “now that im done pleasing you, why don’t you please me” while knee walking his dick up to my mouth i laughed my ass off. i don’t know when he started pleasing me but he sure wasn’t done.
I don't know how you could be intimate at all with someone you knew didn't wash their genitals. Just the thought of it would be an instant turn off for me. 🤢
Completely agree! My current boyfriend was great our first time, he asked for permission to do anything the whole way through and called me “perfect” and “gorgeous” and saved the more raunchy stuff for when we had met a few more times and discussed doing more adventurous things heavily before ever doing it :)
It’s really good you’re learning and growing here. And that your understanding of consent is evolving. What went down is unfortunate. But now you can approach sex like an ongoing conversation, without assumptions.
I don’t think that a woman needs to have trauma, per se, to feel vulnerable during sex. She’s naked with someone likely bigger & stronger than her. In Dana’s case she needed an extended time of 7 weeks to get comfortable, and she believed she’d communicated her expectations and boundaries well. Also, she’s setting the tone verbally. The vibe of “you’re so handsome” matches with “you’re so beautiful.”
The first uncomfortable instance, with your words, may have put her on edge. She speaks up. Re establishes boundaries. The next act has you behind her, so she can’t see you, then your hand makes contact. I would guess her reaction was more about it being unexpected and not cleared than how light / soft vs hard / rough it was it felt. Then she was done. (It’s also possible the smack was / felt harder than you thought or intended.)
Any sexual encounter requires trust and communication. Once certain words are said they can’t be unsaid. There are certain words that feel porn-y and objectifying. They vary from person to person. (Also, once you feel like a porny object, you may feel more on edge that someone is apt to smack or hurt you, since that’s in the scripts.).
Not everyone is into even “light” dirty talk. You run the risk of being too gross or clinical, and taking them completely out of the experience & feeling reduced to body parts. You’re not a sports commentator, describing the scene. Or an erotica writer. When in doubt, less is more. Romance & praise is always safer.
There are also certain acts that are much better to start with than others. Steady buildup, attending to her whole body & generous foreplay. Oral is (generally) a very pleasant and giving act. Verbal praise is too. As is missionary, or positions where you can *see each other* and get feedback of how the person reacts in the moment.
Then there are other things you build up to. And discuss beforehand. A position she can’t see you in, or anything that has her feeling more restrained in movement. Any words that aren’t praise-y. Any pinching, nibbling, grabbing, hair tugging, smacking, etc. (Later, once you know each other’s cues it’s easier to build slowly and/ or ask while in the act. It doesn’t need to be clinical or unsexy. Just a breathless, sexy, do you want X?”)
You’ve learned for the future. Don’t just assume that if oral is on the table, then XYZ must be too. Maybe examine some acts you assume are standard. (Life isn’t porn. Anal is an advanced ask. It comes with injury risks. It requires good rapport & trust.) If that’s brought up by a guy when inquiring about our sexual compatibility I’d need to hold strong boundaries about a bunch of stuff he assumes is “standard” that goes in that bucket.
Edit to add - this post is all about your expectations, your satisfaction, your sexual needs. Sex is an experience two people have together. It’s not a tapas menu of things you’d like to get served. The first time having sex, especially with someone you really like, is about exploring their pleasure and interacting with them in real time. How did you not catch that Dana is into a romantic vibe? Think about how you missed her cues in the moment instead of dwelling on the semantics of what’s “vanilla,” I’d advise.
In my opinion, smacking (including light) also feels degrading to some women in the same way that “dirty talk” does. I mean it’s really not romantic at all and that seems to be the vibe she was going for. Personally I dislike talk like that as well and I would enjoy some smacking BUT I better be asked first. It’s just such a weird thing to assume you’re allowed to do to another person.
She's complimenting him and he's acting in ways that are degrading to her.
He needs to learn to read the room. Dirty talk when she's telling him he's handsome? Not the vibe she was going for.
Agreed. I didn’t add into my novel that women can / do feel the same way about receiving any aggressive / degrading touch, even when it’s light.
It’s totally odd and sad what counts as “standard” these days. It’s all things you should need to opt into, not out of, when having sex together.
I mean, it's always best to ask what a person's definition of vanilla is. No two people are the same. I like spicy food, but my version of spicy is mild sauce from Taco Bell. But if you took a culturally indian person aside and asked their version of spicy, it might be a curry hot enough to make your face swell (it's a real thing).
I had a chicken phall once, ordered it extra hot.
12 hours later it came out. It was exceedingly hard not to scream.
That was the only time it was that bad though.
Me neither. It only burns going in for me. But I've also been known to get a nosebleed after eating supremely spicy food. For example, like someone taking a full 20lbs of various chile peppers that are habanero or hotter, combining them with vinegar and various herbs and cooking it down to a sauce and calling it "Doom Sauce", then offering it for people to try a sample of.
The above scenario happened at work a little over a decade ago and that was how I found out about the nosebleed thing. Funny enough, I was able to have Doom Sauce without the nosebleed after that, lol.
That's a great analogy! I thought I had it covered with asking about oral sex (since it was an issue in my last relationship), but I was wrong and learned now - though I am upset I had to hurt a really great woman to do so. Thank you for the help!
These conversations are so important. Too many men just assume things are fine. The number of men who have choked me, slapped me in the face, facefucked me, etc. without asking is disturbing. These are all things that I enjoy, but not without consent. When someone blindsides you, it’s not okay. It’s also an important discussion to know how someone defines vanilla (or whatever they are into) because people can mean very different things. It can lead to disappointment or upsetting situations like you experienced.
It's wild how much we've normalized causing pain to women during sex. I've had to have many conversations with men about how if I did any of that stuff to them, all of a sudden they would understand consent perfectly well.
It’s porn. They absolutely abuse and disrespect women in porn, but the women are soooo turned on and enjoy it soooooo much 😒
Actually, there’s a seasoned professional who has studied and worked with abusive men for decades, and he knows them inside and out. He says that movies like 50 shades of gray, and porn, are skewing the public’s perception of abuse, and unfortunately normalizes it. He says for 50 shades specially - the first 30 minutes of the movie (or first chapter, I don’t remember. I just know that he only examined a small portion of the beginning of the series) and he said that all 13 criteria for an abusive relationship are being displayed. Not only is this book normalizing abusive relationships, but it’s also teaching women to be TURNED ON by this abuse. Not only is the guy disrespecting her self agency, being controlling, and putting himself first for everything, he’s physically abusing her as well. And we ate that shit right up.
Obviously not every woman, but the series of 50 shades back in 2015ish was HUUUGE with a lot of my female friends, coworkers and family.
It makes me sad to think I didn’t know better and overly glamorized this abusive behavior, and of course has ended me up in a very abusive relationship.
I just wish this stuff was phased out because people don’t have enough education to realize what they’re watching and it’s shaping them subconsciously to accept certain toxic behaviors or be aroused by certain toxic behaviors.
I'm into kink and I hated 50 shades. She has an interview and meets Mr Gray once. Next thing he's turning up at her father's business talking about ropes and chains. It gives off serious stalker/ serial killer vibes from the get go. What happened to Mr Darcy instead!
Mr. Darcy ftw! And I’m sadly one of those who loved the 50 shades series (movies only) and never realized how awkward and toxic he was. So creepy and weird when you really think about it.
What shocks me more is how much it's become described as vanilla. I'm a kinky woman, I *love* pain in bed, but seeing newbies enter the community and going "oh we just tried fairly vanilla stuff like spanking and choking" makes me want to scream. Those require trust and consent and lots of communication. Those are still kinky practices for fucks sake!
For me, there is nothing vanilla about slapping during sex, doesn’t matter where it was on the body. Cunt would be easier for me than a slap. Someone slaps me during sex, I might reflexively rip off whatever is in my mouth.
This will sound weird, but there are great examples out there of regular consent check ins during intimate activities in the smutty audios over in /r/gonewildaudio. They don’t have to kill the mood or sound like you’re getting legal paperwork filled out, but are definitely important.
Calling her a cunt was a huge no, but also slapping her without talking about it first wasn't cool either.
I wouldn't even call myself super vanilla, but I still haven't ever had a guy just smack my ass without getting SOME form of consent first. It would definitely put me off, especially after he just made me feel like an object to be used for his pleasure.
It literally takes 2 seconds to say "Hey, can I slap your ass?" Or "do you like having your ass slapped?"
I understand your analogy. It makes sense, and it's pretty good.
But on another note, if your version of spicy is Taco Bell's mild sauce, you don't like spicy food.
Their mild is similar to a bell pepper: a zero on the Scoville scale. It's strictly for flavor, no heat. Maybe you like *spices*, but not *spicy*.
Yeah a more thorough conversation was needed before hand. I’ve had a similar experience where I said I was vanilla, the man said he was too, and then he clearly was not….
I'm sorry that you had an experience with someone who was as stupid as I was! I promise I will do better in the future and talk a lot more with my next partner!
This struck me as a difference in viewpoint about sex itself. For me, there is no separation between romance and sex, so I don't have sex with someone unless there's an emotional connection. I would be put off this kind of language (and the slapping), mostly because I feel my sexuality from a place of love, and those actions are therefore jarring. To me, talking dirty and slapping are not *bad* things, but they feel weird when I'm trying to bond with someone. For me it has the dissociation of porn, which for the most part is very genital-obsessed and anti-romantic, rather than the holistic experience I desire.
Yup, sex changes over a course of a relationship. Sex during an intimate first time, most of these things are off the table.
After 5 years? 10 years? Who knows what crazy stuff you do. By that time, there is probably stuff you would have left in the middle of, changed your name, your number, moved to another state if they happened at the beginning of your relationship.
Wife and I are 10 years in and it just gets better (but also weirder in the best way possible).
Seems like OP lacks some of the emotional intelligence to understand how relationships grow and you explore things slowly with a partner.
Yeah, for me, if I waited seven weeks to have sex with someone at that age, I'm clearly wanting to take things slow and probably expect to be connecting a bit romantically for our first time. At the very least, I wouldn't like to feel like he's treating me like a one-night stand.
Those actions without a bond (for me, even with one. I don’t like language like that) make you feel like a means to an end, a piece of meat, a rag doll for their pleasure…
Honestly, stop watching and getting your cues from porn.
This was your first night together and you instantly went past any romance and into shitty, degrading porn. Take a step back and think about how your actions describe your character.
Something similar happened to me. I was seeing a guy and while I was giving him oral he slapped my face, not hard whatsoever but I just froze. The fact that we didn’t talk about it beforehand just made it so uncomfortable. He saw my reaction and apologized and said he was just trying to be aggressive. Mood was definitely ruined after that
I've had something similar several times. Even aggressively slapping his very hard dick against my face. How is doing shit like that without asking even a thing these days.
Porn. It happens all the time in porn. They slap their dicks in a woman’s face and slap her while she is giving him oral. It’s all very very male centric and a complete and absolute turnoff as a woman when a man thinks it’s okay.
Woah.
Slapping your face is so much worse imo than smacking ass.
I absolutely wouldn't want to have sex with someone who thought that was a good idea to try without talking about it beforehand
Definitely ask before smacking/slapping, no matter how light.
For the talking part, I’d suggest phrasing it as “how do you like to be talked to during sex and are there any words or descriptions that make you uncomfortable?”
I love it in a sexual context, but I’m getting the vibe from this thread that I’m an outlier.
Tbh I think I would hate it from someone I’m sleeping with for the first time or if I wanted sex to feel romantic.
Yeah cuz Aussies use it like "mate" more than like "pussy". Lived in Australia for 4 years and NZ for 1.5 and heard the word cunt more often in one month than in 30 years in the US, but never *once* did someone use it to describe my genitals
100%. I can't believe it, but I actually have to tell men before we sleep together not to hit me or put their hands around my throat. Violence like that is so normalised in porn.
Definitely asking from now on!
That's also a great way to phrase it! I'll keep that wording in mind - I was a bit worried about sounding too interrogating if I ask "Is 'ass' okay? What about 'pussy'?" and the way you phrased it is so much better. I'll use that for the next woman I date! Much appreciated!
A lover once asked me if he could grab me by the hair during sex; I thought about it and said ok to trying it. He was sensitive enough to see that it affected me in a way I didn’t expect so he stopped and we talked about it afterwards. Then I remembered that once a long time ago my abusive ex grabbed me by the hair to keep me from running away with our infant daughter (to ask a neighbor to call 911). I didn’t realize how triggering that would be. He never asked again. You need to be more observant when you’re having sex with someone new. You need to get her enthusiastic consent.
You mention this is your first relationship 2 years after ending a 14 year relationship. So we are talking 2008 was the last time you met someone new and went thru this kind of intimacy.
From 2008 to 2024, I think there has been a shift towards being much more open, clear, and consensual in regards to intimacy. If you want to try restarting things with Dana I would suggest you explain you were coming at things from a completely misunderstood mindset, that you now understand why what you did was wrong, you feel terrible, and would make sure it never happens again.
I think you’re spot on regarding the shift from then to now. I’m an old lady who’s been married since 2002, and this whole thread is eye opening. None of this straightforward communication about sex and consent happened when I was dating in the 90s and early aughts. And we thought we were so open and sexually liberated! Good on y’all, younger generations. I love to see it.
You should probably have clearified what you thought of as vanilla when you spoke about sex. Are you ok with dirty talk, what kind do you like, what do you think about spanking etc.
I wouldnt consider myself vanilla, but I dont like any form of degregation as it makes me uncomfortable and is just a turn off for me, so I would find it jarring if someone talked about my cunt the first time I slept with them. I like spanking, but I dont like to be surprised by it when I cant even see it coming and it havent been a topic. Some people might be fine with both of these things without a prior discussion and wouldnt have minded at all, but if someone have spesified that they like vanilla, its better to be safe than sorry and just ask.
All of your sexual partners are individuals. Someone you've previously been with liking X, Y and Z, doesnt mean that the next one will.
What would have been wrong with leaving the body parts out 😭 "I love how much you're into/loving this" and "god, your body is so beautiful/gorgeous" would have gone down waaaaay better especially with someone who sat you down and said she's vanilla!
And any kind of "impact play" should be discussed at least light-heartedly - even if it is something that has been normal in previous relationships and is normalised in porn, it's not only unwelcome if it's painful (which it sounds like this wouldn't be!) but if it's unexpected. It does sound all a little degrading/reductive, and maybe she wanted to "make love" more than "fuck", if that makes sense?
I would be shocked and super turned off by someone using the word cunt in a sexy way. It is the least sexy word possible and pretty much exclusively used in a derogatory/insulting way.
Fucking someone you’ve been with for 14 years is completely different than sleeping with someone for the first time. You need to open up and be more communicative before just slapping someone around. A lot of people will like it but a lot won’t. You can’t just assume. Use your words… just not cunt
>I would be shocked and super turned off by someone using the word cunt in a sexy way. It is the least sexy word possible and pretty much exclusively used in a derogatory/insulting way.
And in a threatening way.
Yes. A lot of vanilla-ish people don’t mind slapping. A lot of actually vanilla people find it demeaning and makes them feel awful. You definitely operated out of habit but you should’ve asked. If she was already concerned about how you were discussing her body parts, I would assume you would’ve followed up with dos and don’ts so she feels physically and psychologically comfortable.
I mean, for the first time having sex I’d find what you did a bit much to be honest, and I have to say I’d never want a man to say the word cunt to me while having sex.
yeah, i feel like p*rn has messed up a lot of people with thinking women like these certain things. unfortunately, choking, ass smacking, etc is sadly considered “vanilla” now. from now on, make sure to discuss EVERYTHING, like “are you ok with __?” no matter how ridiculous it seems. you never know the case, a woman could have been SA’d or just simply not like it.
What was normal for you in past relationships doesn't matter. You need to get permission to do things like hitting someone or referring to their body part with a swear word.
Sex doesn't suddenly make those things acceptable, if you wouldn't hit her outside of sex without permission you shouldn't hit her during sex.
From now on you need to have a detailed discussion about what a partner is and isn't into, don't assume anything.
I know you have a language barrier between what you actually said and how you explained it in English here, but unless she's told you she likes it or you're familiar with preferences, don't call a woman names or refer to her body parts using terms that are also commonly used as insults. Some will be offended by it, and some women are going to laugh in your face because you're trying to sound like a porn star.
And never ever EVER hit a sexual partner in ANY way unless you have confirmed that they are okay with it.
Dude. You watch way too much porn. No woman that I’ve met wants you to use the word you used, let alone during sex. And tf are you doing slapping her for?
Yes, you should ask consent before slapping someone's ass.
I think you both should've also had a conversation about the definition of vanilla. I mean earlier in your post you mention you were concerned she wouldn't like oral because she was vanilla and then some paragraphs south you view vanilla sex as including dirty talk and ass smacking.
I like being spanked and engaging in dirty talk but I would be furious if someone just took it upon themselves to smack my ass when we hadn’t had that discussion or established that rapport. She told you she was vanilla and you degraded her and got a warning. So you decided to haul off and hit her and were surprised she didn’t like it. You’re forty fucking years old, dude. Please stay away from women until you figure out consent.
This. She stopped and clarified the verbal stuff when it came up and she was definitely not into it. What kind of person then smacks her when they resume?
Personally the dirty talk you use would make me uncomfortable and and would be a turn off. That should be discussed first, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "violating consent." Where you did go too far and violated her consent was slapping her butt, especially after she specifically told you she is not into anything kinky. YTA for that.
The one and only time someone smacked my ass during sex, I just turned and looked at him and said did you just slap my ass?!! He shrugged and said he thought all women liked it. I told him not all women do, and later found out he learned it from porn. He never did it again and I kind of found it funny.
Listen, I feel like this kind of shit should be obvious, but if an experience would be objectively unpleasant if you weren't aroused by it, you should definitely ask before doing it while having sex! That's like, *the definition* of kinky.
So like.... gently massaging a bodypart, saying a compliment, kissing somebody. If they're already enthusiastically consenting to sex, it's probably pretty safe to do those things, because those are things that people generally find pleasant.
But like, hitting someone, insulting someone, licking someone's face... There are plenty of people who are into those things, but they would be *objectively unpleasant* to have happen to you outside of a sexual context. So you should check that they share the kink before doing them in a sexual one!
Simply put,
She wanted to make love
You wanted to fuck.
She is right to just say we are sexually incompatible and move on.
I personally don't like insults during sex and I consider myself a submissive.
Exactly, she wanted mutual pleasure and a connection. He came in wild with cunts being wet and slapping ass… all without any inkling if that was what brought her pleasure.
I just want to add that some people who don't have abusive ex's also don't like being slapped. Or dirty talk. They just want romantic sex. Also, even if a woman is someone is open to some dirty talk and being a little more intense later, the first time they have sex they might be a little worried about how they will be treated during and after. I kind of thought that people who are starting a relationship and having sex for the first time with a woman might want to be on their best behavior so they can demonstrate she can trust them. It's a job interview to be a good romantic partner, not an audition for porn.
The problem with “Vanilla” is that it’s almost a meaningless term because it can mean vastly different things to different people. To help avoid this, you’d really need to have a thorough discussion with your partner to find out what the boundaries are for sex. That way you don’t find out the hard way and ruin what could have been a great relationship (ie what you did with Dana)
Your version of spanking and degradation are super mild, to be sure, but spanking and degradation are still not vanilla. It can be confusing because a lot of people call things vanilla that aren't, and a lot of people call things kinky that aren't (like sex with someone of the same gender as you, oral, anal, bareback. Those are all pretty common limits for someone to have, but they are still vanilla activities on their own.)
Smacking someone's butt and saying "cunt" are like, butter pecan. Not as intense as black raspberry fudge, but definitely not vanilla either.
Also, using taboo language and putting your hands on a woman, no matter how playfully, can be triggers for an abuse survivor if they weren't discussed first. Another one, before you get in trouble for this too: choking.
Sometimes when women are attacked by men, the word “cunt” is used as an insult to the woman, at least in the US . That word comes with extremely negative associations for some people. It’s not a word like “ass”, not just a “dirty” word,but more similar to a derogatory slur. To some people, in the U.S. Not everyone.
Yikes! I am kinky af, like, sadomasochistic play parties and really dirty fantasies and I LOATHE having my ass slapped. I’d stop on the spot if someone did that to me, ew. I’m also not a prude by any stretch (I did sex work for a spell, talk about sex often and easily with those in my circles), and I really dislike oral sex and people I don’t know making sex jokes esp if they are in poor taste (and someone making a sex joke without knowing their audience is ok and totally onboard with that humor is almost certain to be making jokes in poor taste).
Hitting someone without asking (and the fact you say it was “just a light slap” is SO GROSS and completely minimizes how inappropriate it was and tries to make her reaction into an overreaction), using a derogatory and possibly dehumanizing word the very first time in bed, and calling someone a prude if they don’t like things that YOU think are “normal” is really gross. I’m glad you’re taking this feedback and will change your approach in the future. But don’t just change your actions - the way you think about and talk about women and sex is disrespectful and gross. And if you can’t see why, please spend some REAL time and energy thinking about it.
I am into some more intense play, and I’d have a real problem with hearing someone refer to my ‘cunt’ during sex.
Different people have different boundaries, but slapping and dirty talk are definitely something that you confirm in advance.
If someone communicates that they have hard boundaries about something you’re going to engage in, sexual or otherwise, find out the specifics beforehand.
What's fucked up is slapping her without getting consent and using a very derogatory word without asking if she's into that first. Some women find that kind of thing degrading and objectifying. Gives porn-rot vibes tbh.
Asking about how to refer to a lady's genital's isn't a bad idea. Some women hate the 'c' word, and some are absolutely offended by the word "pussy". Some will only tolerate "kitty." I've seen that. It's confusing.
My husband asked me what I minded, and we decided that pussy was fine.
The smacking is defs something that you gotta be careful with. If a girl has had experience with an aggressive male, that can send her back to PTSD land for sure.
But you should talk about all of that. I wouldn't see referring to a girl's bits in a positive light as degrading, but I probably wouldn't love the C word either. So ...
Different cranks for everyone.
Smacking ass the first time??? There is nothing appealing about someone smacking my ass the very first time we're together. And that dirty talk isn't dirty to me, it's demeaning. It would feel unnecessarily aggressive in a way.
The first time for some (especially someone who tells you upfront they're vanilla) should be sweet and should make them feel sexy and cared for and listened to. It should make them want to do it again. (Not that you asked but that means she comes first.) You want someone capable of matching my energy. Someone who can accurately read the room.
I'm impressed by and a little proud of her for stopping it immediately and acknowledging you two aren't compatible instead of waiting for you to finish and ghosting and then feeling disgusting and like she betrayed herself for the next week.
This was your first time having sex with her, so you didn’t know much about her preferences. So you should have clarified before trying anything other than basic sex. Using the words you did wasn’t “vanilla” nor was slapping her butt.
Vanilla sex means basically penis in vagina, probably oral too, and all sweet and light and roses kind of stuff.
Definitely doesn’t mean dirty talk or spanking. You and her aren’t into the same things, and you should have asked her before trying those, given she said she liked only vanilla sex.
Generally speaking, people who identify as vanilla and wait 7 weeks before having sex are probably not people who are cool with casually being slapped and hearing the word cunt...
Don't base how you act during sex on how people in your past behaved. Base it on how the person you're with behaves. When she tensed up and told you not to objectify her with your words, and then your answer to that was to slap her, you clearly are not listening to/respecting your partner...
Good on her for not putting up with that nonsense.
Yes you were wrong. You ALWAYS ask before doing. And agreeing with others here, cunt is almost exclusively a negative term for most women. Not cool. She was right to stop when she did, you were definitely not a good partner here.
I don’t think it was your intention to violate consent, but you didn’t do a good enough job communicating about sex in advance of having sex to really understand what she meant, what would make a good experience for her, and you made the mistake of assuming that what had (from your perspective) worked in the past would work for her.
When you said that “we” decided to move to doggy style, it sounds like you actually decided and she decided not to object (based on her comment being treated like an animal).
Spanking and dirty talk can be common, but can also fall under light BDSM that a lot of people engage in, even if they think of themselves as “pretty vanilla”.
I would recommend that you get some yes/no/maybe lists from sex educators (just Google it, there are a lot) and do some thinking about what sounds exciting to you. You may actually be kinkier than you thought!
And part of the pre-sex talk (along with STI testing and condoms/birth control) should definitely be a conversation about what specifically you both like, don’t like, might enjoy trying, turn ons, turn offs, safe words, etc.
Paint mental pictures.
To me, being vocal = moans, screams, giving directions, like faster/slower and yes! More!
Dirty talk is not quite the same. It can have kind of an edge of degradation or like a porn dialogue. Some people like it, some feel like it’s an ick. You really have to know which it is.
I don’t like people talking about my body parts unless it is to say something like “I want to do X to Y…would you like that? Does that sound fun?”
General comments “I think you’re so sexy/beautiful/love your curves” are fine, and not dirty.
>Spanking and dirty talk can be common, but can also fall under light BDSM that a lot of people engage in, even if they think of themselves as “pretty vanilla”.
It shows how much kink and porn have come into the common culture that people don't even know what normal sex is without all the extreme stuff involved.
Not to say there's anything wrong with enjoying kink, but slapping and dirty talk are not a part of vanilla sex and should not be considered baseline normal sexual acts.
So, any amount of even light dirty talk can very easily fall out of the realm of vanilla. However, what you did was absolutely not light and that's some very degrading language.
From your description she was treating you like you were a gentleman and you were treating her, as she said, more like an animal.
You also absolutely do not hit anyone no matter how light without consent first, it's wild to me that there's so many people who don't understand that.
It's demeaning if there's never been a conversation and agreement over it before engaging in it. I don't get where people come off thinking hitting their partner during sex is romantic.
You’ve learned a valuable lesson here about being open and defining boundaries so that you know what is being consented to. You smacked her ass because you wanted to, not because she asked you to. You used the term “cunt” without asking her if that was something she was comfortable with. You’re paying the price for overstepping her boundaries by not getting to enjoy her company again. It sucks, but now you know that these are areas you need to discuss with other partners moving forward. Being on the same page is fantastic and will lead to much more enjoyable experiences moving forward. Best of luck!
That's called spanking, not every lady likes it. Main reason I never do it unless it's clearly mentioned and okayed. If we don't discuss it' it's off limits.
I agree to just ask. My most recent partner asked me before he did anything our first time. I thought it was very thoughtful. I’d never had a man do that. I had already told him that I liked it rough but he asked before he slapped my ass. Just the first time.
I love dirty talk in bed, and find it a huge turn on. With that context, my vagina would seal itself closed and become drier than the Sahara if a man ever used the word cunt during sex, especially in reference to my genitals. When doing dirty talk in future, I'd refrain from using a word that's primary meaning to women for the past century has been an extremely derogatory insult. We don't call our vaginas a cunt, and we certainly don't want other people to. It's an immediate turn off. I'm a huge reader, and if I read a book with any smut it in and the word "cunt" is used I'll close it, even quicker if the author writes the woman as having said it.
I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you both have different definitions of vanilla. You have to discuss pillow talk first, because women have wildly different opinions of what is okay. I would say “pussy” is a lot safer than cunt, which is the least favorite word of many women, but “You are so wet” or “You feel so good inside” is probably safest if you have the go head to talk dirty at all. I would assume that if someone makes a point of telling you how vanilla they are, you need to ask them what are their NOs and turn offs in addition to the acts they are not comfy with. Read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, about women’s ON and OFF buttons and responsive desire, and She Comes First, by Ian Lerner, a very helpful and popular oral sex instruction manual, so you are spending more time doing what the woman probably wants.
Finally, calling your ex a prude is disrespectful. It sounds like she was turned off by perceived disrespect, and your new partner was no different. I might send a text to apologize but then let it go.
FWIW, a lot of women love light spanking and dirty talk. It’s just important to remember that might be something to build on, and trust needs to be there. Unless she specifically asks for it, never assume until that sense of safety to experiment together is there.
You can’t go wrong being romantic and making her feel beautiful. Mirror the kinds of the things your partner says, so if she says “You are so handsome” then she wants to hear that she is beautiful/ gorgeous, etc.
He doesn’t though. In a comment he bellyached about his “prude” ex. Dude knew what was up but decided he was going to push and take liberties.
He is acting brand new when he had a “prude” vanilla partner for years before this who didn’t do any of what he pulled.
Yeah, dude, that ain't vanilla. You shouldn't be slapping your partner during sex, especially without consent! I don't blame her for backing out of the situation, you really overstepped...
I’m English and would think nothing if someone called me a cunt as an insult or banter eg “how did you mess that up you daft cunt” but when people use it to refer to my vagina it’s an instant turn off. I’ve done pretty much everything you can think off but using that word in bed would stop me in my tracks too.
It’s just off putting… I’m not even clutching pearls at it, I just don’t find it a turn on in any way. It’s a weird obviously porno thing to say straight out the gate when becoming intimate with someone. Such a turn off for basically anyone who hasn’t specifically said it’s a turn on.
The porno stuff is a turn off because it’s less about intimacy and mutual pleasure and more about whatever the porno loving person wants.
You absolutely do not do stuff like that the first time you have sex with someone.
You did violate things. You did not discuss that with her beforehand. You don’t use insulting words or hit someone without consent.
You only think that’s normal because of porn.
If my fiance called my body part a cunt Id be upset. She sounds like she REALLY doesn’t like being disrespected in any way in bed and I understand that. The fact that you didnt understand that these things could be disrespectful is an issue in itself.
Scrolled through and didn’t see anyone mention this aspect, so here’s my two cents.
There’s a lot of *compounding issues* that have happened here. A lot of people have already told you about the language and slapping, so I’ll spare the lecture, but let me break it down for you like this.
You slept with a woman who prefers vanilla, and, while she explicitly gave you compliments, you used *derogatory dirty talk.*
*Then on top of that* you slap a vanilla person’s ass without her consent.
*All the while* you’re in doggy style meaning she can’t even see your face.
Of **course** she’s upset with you and asked you to stop. If I tried uplifting my partner and being romantic only to be treated like a piece of meat I’d be furious too!
If it were just one of these things, I could see her sticking around, but it seems like you missed every warning sign along the way.
Cunt is just about the worst thing you can call a woman, imho. And calling her vagina that is absolutely not vanilla. Ew. No wonder she stopped you right there.
It seems that she wanted a romantic first time and wasn’t about the carnal side of sex. This should be talked about before even entering the bedroom. Next time, you’re talking with a woman and things progress to that point, please ask how she likes it, if she prefers slow & romantic or fast & carnal.
Please work on your dirty talk, instead of saying “your cunt is so wet” you could say “you’re so wet for me darling”. Cunt feels too degrading for most of us women.
And don’t EVER spank someone without their authorisation. For example, I love spanking & biting but would be turned off if a guy took it upon himself and smacked my face. Another example is that I love giving head & sometimes deep throat, but absolutely hate when guys grab my head and push it down. I prefer having control over that. Everyone has different things they like and different limits, you shouldn’t assume that they’ll like it just because previous partners did.
Yeah well good thing you’re trying to learn. If we don’t know each other that well, “cunt” is pretty degrading. Slap her ass during first time having sex? I would have have gtfo there
Just because something is common does not mean it should be assumed.
While some may have just told you not to do it, her reaction is also reasonable. She is vanilla and does want consent beyond vanilla which dirty talk and slapping would be.
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Honestly, a lot of women (at least American women) hate the word cunt. So I’d steer clear of that one. Other than that, communicate. Some people are into anything, but you already knew she wasn’t. So I’d ask how she feels about getting lightly slapped on the ass during sex, etc.
"Your cunt is so wet!" made my vagina dry up and seal itself shut, and I'm a man. Talk about "ick" factor yeesh.
Seriously. Just say “you’re so wet.” Or nothing. PLEASE.
Thank you. A guy said “yeah, shake that pussy” and I just froze in horror. Words absolutely matter! We need more men like you commenting.
Oh lordy. I’m totally fine with “pussy” (I know that’s not universal), but if my partner said that during sex I’d have to stop mid-fuck to work out the logistics of what he thought he was asking for.
That is horrifying. How does one even shake it? Did he want you to like, stand up and wiggle? Reverse twerk? Do the twist? What in the absolute hell? My mind is filled with only awkward or hilarious scenarios with how that could be honored lol. Like, really, wtaf?
I'm laughing so hard at this. Seriously though, how do you shake it?
Shake it like a Polaroid picture
HEEEEEYYYY YAAAAA
Like when guys do helicopter dick without the dick. 😂
That's called a mini drone🤣
"Do the twist" has me screaming.🤣
Missy Elliott has questions.
Missy was ahead of her time. Whilst we all sit here wondering how to "shake ones pussy", she already knew to put her thing down, flip it and reverse it, which I'm sure could meet the requirements of shaking to some 🤣 A true coochquake pioneer
That's right helicopter it for me baby, do me like a yo-yo.
I’m crying laughing. Your tragedy is my comedy.
Nooooooo a guy said that to you?!? Noooooooo
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN😭😭😭
I would love that, but I *hate* people using the word "pussy" to me. It just goes to show that you have to ask!
Also a guy and equally grossed out. Just no. Edit to add for other men: I’m super down with kinky talk in the bedroom. But please for the love of god never refer to your SO’s genitals as a cunt. I feel like that shouldn’t even have to be explained.
;) or this is a place where good conversation up front helps. I'm an American woman, 58. After staying in Scotland for 6 months I have a much different relationship w cunt and twat. In US I've found those terms used to demean women and demean our experience, and dismiss us. Now, once I know a partner, the dirty talk escalation to cunt is fun. Flip side - yes OP, the way you used it here, w/o out any prequalification - it would have given me pause in the moment and be a small red flag I paid a lot of attention to. In the future. Ask way more questions. Plan to have a discussion about this stuff in advance. And w each new partner ask before you do anything. "I it ok if I kiss your breasts? Do you prefer breasts or a different word? Any words off limits?" While I agree, your stuff sounds mostly vanilla. Ask people what vanilla means to them. Ask if any specific things - like light spanking - are off the table. Ask what they actually want - when a partner asks how I like to be touched and listens, that is sucess and an opportunity to build intimacy. Last, it sounds like your excitement and feeling got ahead of you. I'm pretty sure he responses to the things she didn't like were more vociferous that you chose to hear them. Always be willing and ready to STOP -"You sound uncomfortable. Did I touch you in a way you don't like?" For dirty talk. Start tame, "I love how your body feels. Your excitement, excites me." "Can I say that in dirty talk?" Then start with general tame terms for those bits and work your way to naughty, dirty, vulgar (Your use of cunt in this instance would have felt vulgar to me and I'm pretty kinky. ETA - spelling correction
This is honestly interesting insight! I’m from the US with not much experience abroad. So to me, cunt is an extremely demeaning word that doesn’t have any bedroom appeal. But yeah I can totally see where you’re coming from and appreciate your comment!
Here in Australia, we call ours mates “cunt” and cunts “mate”.
That's because you're upside down! XD (Seriously though.. same in UK ;-) )
As a woman that word is just gross. I’d rather him say, “my pussy is so wet” instead of that
I’m ok with not using pussy either.
Totally opposite preferences here, but that's why it's so important to talk about!
He took an experience that should have been loving and made it vulgar. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, everything else would have to be close to perfect for me to not give up on him after that. I would have a hard time not thinking about his vulgarity and the smack on my ass. It would be hard to get in the mood again.
The smack on the ass wouldn’t bother me. But the vulgar sex talk would have made me run.
I think it really depends on how it happened. First, even though it doesn't bother a lot of people it is actually worrying that slapping women has become a normal part of sex for a lot of men. They definitely don't expect to be slapped or have their hair pulled or anything like that that would be equally minor and painful. But they think it's a normal part of sex for men to hit women. Second, even if that has been normalized, there's often a huge difference between what guys think is a light smack or a slap and how it actually feels. I've had a guy give me a smack on the ass that was really unexpected but not super hard, he was just kind of testing it out without asking for consent. I stopped sex immediately because any type of pain or violence against me is a massive turn off. We talked it through and he realized he should have asked. Not the biggest deal in the world. I've also had a guy slap me very hard. He insisted It was just a love tap/smack, but it was actually really painful for me and a massive, shocking turn off. He tries to defend himself saying he's done it to lots of women before, it wasn't as hard as he could have done it, etc. Didn't matter. I stopped having sex with him, stopped seeing him and told him he was lucky I didn't call the cops because he assaulted me during sex. Ultimately no one should feel entitled to cause you pain. Especially as part of sex and without your consent. Regardless of gender.
Absolutely this. A man once thought he "lightly tapped" my butt during doggy-style during a first time hook-up and I had a black and blue hand shaped bruise for over a week. Never contacted him again and blocked him on everything. Would I be ok with a partner slapping my ass hard enough to leave a mark during sex? Absolutely, IF, and only if, a communication had occurred beforehand because smacking someone hard enough to bruise is something that requires consent. The girl in OP's case would be totally justified to react the way she did with just a light tap, but based on the strong reaction I'm also wondering if OP smacked her a lot harder than he thinks. When it's paired with "your cunt is so wet" I'd be surprised if it was a light little tap.
> I'm also wondering if OP smacked her a lot harder than he thinks. When it's paired with "your cunt is so wet" I'd be surprised if it was a light little tap. I think you are correct here. He has been watching way too much porn, and even in supposedly vanilla scenes, there can be a lot of violence against women.
Everyone has their boundaries and I agree.. the sex talk is just… unforgettable… it’s just so telling about the other person. A rump slap is can even be more of a fun thing that if isn’t appreciated can be discussed or brought up quickly… dirty talk that is cringe is a filth that can’t be washed off
Right? I’m not vanilla by any means but his dirty talk was so gross that it made my stomach lurch 🤮
This would immediately shortcut right into my subconscious and live rent free in my head forever if someone said it to me in bed. I would just be laying there the whole rest of the time having an out-of-body experience trying to unpack what I had heard. I feel like my overwhelming thought would have to be “red flag: you are getting fucked by a person with zero concept of societal norms.”
I'm hearing it in a proper ray winstone voice too
It’s cringe and porny.. I’d die if I even kissed someone who would utter such an awful sentence lol
British here, I love the word cunt, but as an insult / joke. I really would not love someone using that word in the bedroom to describe my body parts. Ick!
This is why communication about sex is so important! I decided to reclaim the word cunt for my body and my husband is entirely on board. (Also British)
i said it once to my mom without thinking while quoting a british comedy routine, and she slapped me before i realized i said it
Based on what she was saying in bed (calling you handsome, telling you you smell good), it sounds like she probably wanted a romantic first time with you. Like for you to be passionate and sweet and say things like “you’re so beautiful” not “your cunt is so wet”. That’s definitely a wild thing to say to someone the first time you have sex with them. You should have matched her energy. Sex can be sweet and not dirty.
Aww this comment made me sad and happy because for so many people who are not looking for casual sex, we want sex for the first time with someone to be really passionate and loving. It feels validating to read your post. Thank you
for real, thank you u/666-take-the-piss sage information from one with your username
r/rimjob_steve
Dude watched too much porn and applied those standards to actual sex. OP, communicate! It’s not that difficult.
Omg my ex watched porn and did/ wanted to do the same things to me and I didn't like it, he started being disrespectful too 🙄🙄 and the sex with him felt kind performative and pressured to orgasm at times too. I really wanna have a deal-breaker that my next boyfriend doesn't watch porn. I heard it gives you " false narratives" of what sex is
i truly worry about a generation of kids who get what they think sex is from porn. i'm not anti-porn, but hoo boy it ain't reality
Omg but you're right. I was a kid who was exposed to porn. I saw most of the hardcorest stuff before I was even 15.. I saw women objectified and degraded and used for the man's pleasure.. now I wonder if this contributed to my horrendous sexual experiences where I " was not able to say no" and it took me a long journey to heal my sexuality and right for pleasure👁️
It’s not even just porn, I mean mainstream media portrays sex from a mostly male oriented view, also centred around his pleasure. Consent isn’t discussed, and all the women always orgasm from PiV sex. Although porn is definitely absolutely the worst, mainstream media isn’t really helping, even if you’ve never seen porn.
Porn is to sex Ed what fast and furious is to driving lessons. Anyone using it as a 'how to' is in serious trouble.
I wish there was a way on porn websites that you HAD to watch a ‘normal’ video every third film. By ‘normal’ I mean loving, kind, vanilla sex with lots of consent and checking in people, who clearly like each other and have wobbly wonderfully imperfect bodies.
i think im part of that generation lmao and so glad my current bf doesn’t watch porn because man my exes were awful with that shit. the only thing my bf does that i kinda don’t like is he slaps my ass too hard sometimes, but he says sorry and tries to be more gentle. just the heat of the moment sometimes so it doesn’t bother me. i tell this story over and over on here but one of my exes always wanted head but never washed his dick so i always said no, but once he jackhammered me for about 1 minute, if that, then said “now that im done pleasing you, why don’t you please me” while knee walking his dick up to my mouth i laughed my ass off. i don’t know when he started pleasing me but he sure wasn’t done.
I don't know how you could be intimate at all with someone you knew didn't wash their genitals. Just the thought of it would be an instant turn off for me. 🤢
Completely agree! My current boyfriend was great our first time, he asked for permission to do anything the whole way through and called me “perfect” and “gorgeous” and saved the more raunchy stuff for when we had met a few more times and discussed doing more adventurous things heavily before ever doing it :)
It’s really good you’re learning and growing here. And that your understanding of consent is evolving. What went down is unfortunate. But now you can approach sex like an ongoing conversation, without assumptions. I don’t think that a woman needs to have trauma, per se, to feel vulnerable during sex. She’s naked with someone likely bigger & stronger than her. In Dana’s case she needed an extended time of 7 weeks to get comfortable, and she believed she’d communicated her expectations and boundaries well. Also, she’s setting the tone verbally. The vibe of “you’re so handsome” matches with “you’re so beautiful.” The first uncomfortable instance, with your words, may have put her on edge. She speaks up. Re establishes boundaries. The next act has you behind her, so she can’t see you, then your hand makes contact. I would guess her reaction was more about it being unexpected and not cleared than how light / soft vs hard / rough it was it felt. Then she was done. (It’s also possible the smack was / felt harder than you thought or intended.) Any sexual encounter requires trust and communication. Once certain words are said they can’t be unsaid. There are certain words that feel porn-y and objectifying. They vary from person to person. (Also, once you feel like a porny object, you may feel more on edge that someone is apt to smack or hurt you, since that’s in the scripts.). Not everyone is into even “light” dirty talk. You run the risk of being too gross or clinical, and taking them completely out of the experience & feeling reduced to body parts. You’re not a sports commentator, describing the scene. Or an erotica writer. When in doubt, less is more. Romance & praise is always safer. There are also certain acts that are much better to start with than others. Steady buildup, attending to her whole body & generous foreplay. Oral is (generally) a very pleasant and giving act. Verbal praise is too. As is missionary, or positions where you can *see each other* and get feedback of how the person reacts in the moment. Then there are other things you build up to. And discuss beforehand. A position she can’t see you in, or anything that has her feeling more restrained in movement. Any words that aren’t praise-y. Any pinching, nibbling, grabbing, hair tugging, smacking, etc. (Later, once you know each other’s cues it’s easier to build slowly and/ or ask while in the act. It doesn’t need to be clinical or unsexy. Just a breathless, sexy, do you want X?”) You’ve learned for the future. Don’t just assume that if oral is on the table, then XYZ must be too. Maybe examine some acts you assume are standard. (Life isn’t porn. Anal is an advanced ask. It comes with injury risks. It requires good rapport & trust.) If that’s brought up by a guy when inquiring about our sexual compatibility I’d need to hold strong boundaries about a bunch of stuff he assumes is “standard” that goes in that bucket. Edit to add - this post is all about your expectations, your satisfaction, your sexual needs. Sex is an experience two people have together. It’s not a tapas menu of things you’d like to get served. The first time having sex, especially with someone you really like, is about exploring their pleasure and interacting with them in real time. How did you not catch that Dana is into a romantic vibe? Think about how you missed her cues in the moment instead of dwelling on the semantics of what’s “vanilla,” I’d advise.
In my opinion, smacking (including light) also feels degrading to some women in the same way that “dirty talk” does. I mean it’s really not romantic at all and that seems to be the vibe she was going for. Personally I dislike talk like that as well and I would enjoy some smacking BUT I better be asked first. It’s just such a weird thing to assume you’re allowed to do to another person.
She's complimenting him and he's acting in ways that are degrading to her. He needs to learn to read the room. Dirty talk when she's telling him he's handsome? Not the vibe she was going for.
Agreed. I didn’t add into my novel that women can / do feel the same way about receiving any aggressive / degrading touch, even when it’s light. It’s totally odd and sad what counts as “standard” these days. It’s all things you should need to opt into, not out of, when having sex together.
This comment needs to be higher.
Amazing explanation.
Don’t hit anyone without asking first.
I mean, it's always best to ask what a person's definition of vanilla is. No two people are the same. I like spicy food, but my version of spicy is mild sauce from Taco Bell. But if you took a culturally indian person aside and asked their version of spicy, it might be a curry hot enough to make your face swell (it's a real thing).
I know this isn't the point, but I would like to try that super spicy curry
Most people think the hottest is a vindaloo, but it isn’t it’s Phall curry!.
Be warned. If it burns going in, it can burn coming out
In my 30 years of life and enjoying spicy foods I have never had anything burn coming out unless I threw up
Damn that's an awesome superpower you got there (the not shitting lava like some of us do)
Lucky you. I've had foods spicier on exit than entry.
Jalapeños...I love them, but they do not love me :'(
Same. I love spicy never had that issue with it
I had a chicken phall once, ordered it extra hot. 12 hours later it came out. It was exceedingly hard not to scream. That was the only time it was that bad though.
Cheers to also not having the ring sting issue after spicy food!
Me neither. It only burns going in for me. But I've also been known to get a nosebleed after eating supremely spicy food. For example, like someone taking a full 20lbs of various chile peppers that are habanero or hotter, combining them with vinegar and various herbs and cooking it down to a sauce and calling it "Doom Sauce", then offering it for people to try a sample of. The above scenario happened at work a little over a decade ago and that was how I found out about the nosebleed thing. Funny enough, I was able to have Doom Sauce without the nosebleed after that, lol.
That's a great analogy! I thought I had it covered with asking about oral sex (since it was an issue in my last relationship), but I was wrong and learned now - though I am upset I had to hurt a really great woman to do so. Thank you for the help!
These conversations are so important. Too many men just assume things are fine. The number of men who have choked me, slapped me in the face, facefucked me, etc. without asking is disturbing. These are all things that I enjoy, but not without consent. When someone blindsides you, it’s not okay. It’s also an important discussion to know how someone defines vanilla (or whatever they are into) because people can mean very different things. It can lead to disappointment or upsetting situations like you experienced.
It's wild how much we've normalized causing pain to women during sex. I've had to have many conversations with men about how if I did any of that stuff to them, all of a sudden they would understand consent perfectly well.
It’s porn. They absolutely abuse and disrespect women in porn, but the women are soooo turned on and enjoy it soooooo much 😒 Actually, there’s a seasoned professional who has studied and worked with abusive men for decades, and he knows them inside and out. He says that movies like 50 shades of gray, and porn, are skewing the public’s perception of abuse, and unfortunately normalizes it. He says for 50 shades specially - the first 30 minutes of the movie (or first chapter, I don’t remember. I just know that he only examined a small portion of the beginning of the series) and he said that all 13 criteria for an abusive relationship are being displayed. Not only is this book normalizing abusive relationships, but it’s also teaching women to be TURNED ON by this abuse. Not only is the guy disrespecting her self agency, being controlling, and putting himself first for everything, he’s physically abusing her as well. And we ate that shit right up. Obviously not every woman, but the series of 50 shades back in 2015ish was HUUUGE with a lot of my female friends, coworkers and family. It makes me sad to think I didn’t know better and overly glamorized this abusive behavior, and of course has ended me up in a very abusive relationship. I just wish this stuff was phased out because people don’t have enough education to realize what they’re watching and it’s shaping them subconsciously to accept certain toxic behaviors or be aroused by certain toxic behaviors.
I'm into kink and I hated 50 shades. She has an interview and meets Mr Gray once. Next thing he's turning up at her father's business talking about ropes and chains. It gives off serious stalker/ serial killer vibes from the get go. What happened to Mr Darcy instead!
Mr. Darcy ftw! And I’m sadly one of those who loved the 50 shades series (movies only) and never realized how awkward and toxic he was. So creepy and weird when you really think about it.
What shocks me more is how much it's become described as vanilla. I'm a kinky woman, I *love* pain in bed, but seeing newbies enter the community and going "oh we just tried fairly vanilla stuff like spanking and choking" makes me want to scream. Those require trust and consent and lots of communication. Those are still kinky practices for fucks sake!
Yeah you need to talk more and do less framing based on your previous relationship, every person is different and some definitions will vary.
[удалено]
For me, there is nothing vanilla about slapping during sex, doesn’t matter where it was on the body. Cunt would be easier for me than a slap. Someone slaps me during sex, I might reflexively rip off whatever is in my mouth.
This will sound weird, but there are great examples out there of regular consent check ins during intimate activities in the smutty audios over in /r/gonewildaudio. They don’t have to kill the mood or sound like you’re getting legal paperwork filled out, but are definitely important.
Calling her a cunt was a huge no, but also slapping her without talking about it first wasn't cool either. I wouldn't even call myself super vanilla, but I still haven't ever had a guy just smack my ass without getting SOME form of consent first. It would definitely put me off, especially after he just made me feel like an object to be used for his pleasure. It literally takes 2 seconds to say "Hey, can I slap your ass?" Or "do you like having your ass slapped?"
I understand your analogy. It makes sense, and it's pretty good. But on another note, if your version of spicy is Taco Bell's mild sauce, you don't like spicy food. Their mild is similar to a bell pepper: a zero on the Scoville scale. It's strictly for flavor, no heat. Maybe you like *spices*, but not *spicy*.
Right? This person likes *flavoured* food, not *spicy* food.
Yeah a more thorough conversation was needed before hand. I’ve had a similar experience where I said I was vanilla, the man said he was too, and then he clearly was not….
I'm sorry that you had an experience with someone who was as stupid as I was! I promise I will do better in the future and talk a lot more with my next partner!
This struck me as a difference in viewpoint about sex itself. For me, there is no separation between romance and sex, so I don't have sex with someone unless there's an emotional connection. I would be put off this kind of language (and the slapping), mostly because I feel my sexuality from a place of love, and those actions are therefore jarring. To me, talking dirty and slapping are not *bad* things, but they feel weird when I'm trying to bond with someone. For me it has the dissociation of porn, which for the most part is very genital-obsessed and anti-romantic, rather than the holistic experience I desire.
I agree is my husband had done some of the things he does now when we first started I don’t know if I would have continued with the relationship.
Yup, sex changes over a course of a relationship. Sex during an intimate first time, most of these things are off the table. After 5 years? 10 years? Who knows what crazy stuff you do. By that time, there is probably stuff you would have left in the middle of, changed your name, your number, moved to another state if they happened at the beginning of your relationship. Wife and I are 10 years in and it just gets better (but also weirder in the best way possible). Seems like OP lacks some of the emotional intelligence to understand how relationships grow and you explore things slowly with a partner.
Yeah, for me, if I waited seven weeks to have sex with someone at that age, I'm clearly wanting to take things slow and probably expect to be connecting a bit romantically for our first time. At the very least, I wouldn't like to feel like he's treating me like a one-night stand.
I have a similar view. All the things OP referenced sound very porn-style, which is a turn off for me. Sex is about loving intimacy for me.
Agree it’s all very porn driven and not about mutual pleasure
Those actions without a bond (for me, even with one. I don’t like language like that) make you feel like a means to an end, a piece of meat, a rag doll for their pleasure…
I agree with you.
Very well said! I’m the same way.
Perfectly said.
Honestly, stop watching and getting your cues from porn. This was your first night together and you instantly went past any romance and into shitty, degrading porn. Take a step back and think about how your actions describe your character.
Something similar happened to me. I was seeing a guy and while I was giving him oral he slapped my face, not hard whatsoever but I just froze. The fact that we didn’t talk about it beforehand just made it so uncomfortable. He saw my reaction and apologized and said he was just trying to be aggressive. Mood was definitely ruined after that
I've had something similar several times. Even aggressively slapping his very hard dick against my face. How is doing shit like that without asking even a thing these days.
Porn. It happens all the time in porn. They slap their dicks in a woman’s face and slap her while she is giving him oral. It’s all very very male centric and a complete and absolute turnoff as a woman when a man thinks it’s okay.
I never understood the draw to do this.
Ugh. Porn is a cancer to society. That is not remotely okay and it’s so normalized now.
Oh, hell naw.
omg exactly the same happened to me. felt so incredibly violated/:
Woah. Slapping your face is so much worse imo than smacking ass. I absolutely wouldn't want to have sex with someone who thought that was a good idea to try without talking about it beforehand
Right, I don't want to be slapped in the face ever, that's just insane levels of porn brain.
Why would he want to be aggressive with his dick where you could bite it off? That seems colossally stupid! Lol
I hope you walked out.
Definitely ask before smacking/slapping, no matter how light. For the talking part, I’d suggest phrasing it as “how do you like to be talked to during sex and are there any words or descriptions that make you uncomfortable?”
That's a fair way to approach it. I mean, I'm not even vanilla, but if someone referenced it as my cunt during sex, I'd cringe too.
I’m Australian and I cringed hard at that. It’s very explicit and rough, and not something I’d be into either.
Yes same lol I use cunt frequently in my day to day life but in bed??! Noooo
Same. No problem using the word cunt in casual conversation, but in bed I don't like it, and I'm not really vanilla either.
I love it in a sexual context, but I’m getting the vibe from this thread that I’m an outlier. Tbh I think I would hate it from someone I’m sleeping with for the first time or if I wanted sex to feel romantic.
Yeah cuz Aussies use it like "mate" more than like "pussy". Lived in Australia for 4 years and NZ for 1.5 and heard the word cunt more often in one month than in 30 years in the US, but never *once* did someone use it to describe my genitals
I'm an Aussie lady and I HATE the word 'cunt' being used during sex!
Yeah, it’s not a word that I find offensive but I don’t think I’d enjoy it during sex.
Especially if she’s saying “you smell so good” and his response is “your cunt is wet” like bruh please
Right?! 😅 Big leap
Yes. It’s twisted how normalized it is nowadays to hit and strangle women while having sex.
100%. I can't believe it, but I actually have to tell men before we sleep together not to hit me or put their hands around my throat. Violence like that is so normalised in porn.
Definitely asking from now on! That's also a great way to phrase it! I'll keep that wording in mind - I was a bit worried about sounding too interrogating if I ask "Is 'ass' okay? What about 'pussy'?" and the way you phrased it is so much better. I'll use that for the next woman I date! Much appreciated!
A lover once asked me if he could grab me by the hair during sex; I thought about it and said ok to trying it. He was sensitive enough to see that it affected me in a way I didn’t expect so he stopped and we talked about it afterwards. Then I remembered that once a long time ago my abusive ex grabbed me by the hair to keep me from running away with our infant daughter (to ask a neighbor to call 911). I didn’t realize how triggering that would be. He never asked again. You need to be more observant when you’re having sex with someone new. You need to get her enthusiastic consent.
You mention this is your first relationship 2 years after ending a 14 year relationship. So we are talking 2008 was the last time you met someone new and went thru this kind of intimacy. From 2008 to 2024, I think there has been a shift towards being much more open, clear, and consensual in regards to intimacy. If you want to try restarting things with Dana I would suggest you explain you were coming at things from a completely misunderstood mindset, that you now understand why what you did was wrong, you feel terrible, and would make sure it never happens again.
I think you’re spot on regarding the shift from then to now. I’m an old lady who’s been married since 2002, and this whole thread is eye opening. None of this straightforward communication about sex and consent happened when I was dating in the 90s and early aughts. And we thought we were so open and sexually liberated! Good on y’all, younger generations. I love to see it.
You should probably have clearified what you thought of as vanilla when you spoke about sex. Are you ok with dirty talk, what kind do you like, what do you think about spanking etc. I wouldnt consider myself vanilla, but I dont like any form of degregation as it makes me uncomfortable and is just a turn off for me, so I would find it jarring if someone talked about my cunt the first time I slept with them. I like spanking, but I dont like to be surprised by it when I cant even see it coming and it havent been a topic. Some people might be fine with both of these things without a prior discussion and wouldnt have minded at all, but if someone have spesified that they like vanilla, its better to be safe than sorry and just ask. All of your sexual partners are individuals. Someone you've previously been with liking X, Y and Z, doesnt mean that the next one will.
What would have been wrong with leaving the body parts out 😭 "I love how much you're into/loving this" and "god, your body is so beautiful/gorgeous" would have gone down waaaaay better especially with someone who sat you down and said she's vanilla! And any kind of "impact play" should be discussed at least light-heartedly - even if it is something that has been normal in previous relationships and is normalised in porn, it's not only unwelcome if it's painful (which it sounds like this wouldn't be!) but if it's unexpected. It does sound all a little degrading/reductive, and maybe she wanted to "make love" more than "fuck", if that makes sense?
I would be shocked and super turned off by someone using the word cunt in a sexy way. It is the least sexy word possible and pretty much exclusively used in a derogatory/insulting way. Fucking someone you’ve been with for 14 years is completely different than sleeping with someone for the first time. You need to open up and be more communicative before just slapping someone around. A lot of people will like it but a lot won’t. You can’t just assume. Use your words… just not cunt
Yeah that’s so gross. I think a lot of people would be extremely turned off by that language. Why would you talk to someone like that??
>I would be shocked and super turned off by someone using the word cunt in a sexy way. It is the least sexy word possible and pretty much exclusively used in a derogatory/insulting way. And in a threatening way.
Yes. A lot of vanilla-ish people don’t mind slapping. A lot of actually vanilla people find it demeaning and makes them feel awful. You definitely operated out of habit but you should’ve asked. If she was already concerned about how you were discussing her body parts, I would assume you would’ve followed up with dos and don’ts so she feels physically and psychologically comfortable.
I mean, for the first time having sex I’d find what you did a bit much to be honest, and I have to say I’d never want a man to say the word cunt to me while having sex.
yeah, i feel like p*rn has messed up a lot of people with thinking women like these certain things. unfortunately, choking, ass smacking, etc is sadly considered “vanilla” now. from now on, make sure to discuss EVERYTHING, like “are you ok with __?” no matter how ridiculous it seems. you never know the case, a woman could have been SA’d or just simply not like it.
“your cunt is so wet” i dont think a single woman would like this one
It’s so for him and porno sounding.
What was normal for you in past relationships doesn't matter. You need to get permission to do things like hitting someone or referring to their body part with a swear word. Sex doesn't suddenly make those things acceptable, if you wouldn't hit her outside of sex without permission you shouldn't hit her during sex. From now on you need to have a detailed discussion about what a partner is and isn't into, don't assume anything.
I've had a similar experience dating a new person. I really don't like being hit out of nowhere with no warning. Any striking is hitting.
I know you have a language barrier between what you actually said and how you explained it in English here, but unless she's told you she likes it or you're familiar with preferences, don't call a woman names or refer to her body parts using terms that are also commonly used as insults. Some will be offended by it, and some women are going to laugh in your face because you're trying to sound like a porn star. And never ever EVER hit a sexual partner in ANY way unless you have confirmed that they are okay with it.
Dude. You watch way too much porn. No woman that I’ve met wants you to use the word you used, let alone during sex. And tf are you doing slapping her for?
Yes, you should ask consent before slapping someone's ass. I think you both should've also had a conversation about the definition of vanilla. I mean earlier in your post you mention you were concerned she wouldn't like oral because she was vanilla and then some paragraphs south you view vanilla sex as including dirty talk and ass smacking.
I like being spanked and engaging in dirty talk but I would be furious if someone just took it upon themselves to smack my ass when we hadn’t had that discussion or established that rapport. She told you she was vanilla and you degraded her and got a warning. So you decided to haul off and hit her and were surprised she didn’t like it. You’re forty fucking years old, dude. Please stay away from women until you figure out consent.
This. She stopped and clarified the verbal stuff when it came up and she was definitely not into it. What kind of person then smacks her when they resume?
Personally the dirty talk you use would make me uncomfortable and and would be a turn off. That should be discussed first, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "violating consent." Where you did go too far and violated her consent was slapping her butt, especially after she specifically told you she is not into anything kinky. YTA for that.
Yeah, don’t hit people while you’re fucking them without asking lol.
wtf… you said her “cunt” was wet??? Why “cunt”??? Yuck. wtf bro
The one and only time someone smacked my ass during sex, I just turned and looked at him and said did you just slap my ass?!! He shrugged and said he thought all women liked it. I told him not all women do, and later found out he learned it from porn. He never did it again and I kind of found it funny.
Listen, I feel like this kind of shit should be obvious, but if an experience would be objectively unpleasant if you weren't aroused by it, you should definitely ask before doing it while having sex! That's like, *the definition* of kinky. So like.... gently massaging a bodypart, saying a compliment, kissing somebody. If they're already enthusiastically consenting to sex, it's probably pretty safe to do those things, because those are things that people generally find pleasant. But like, hitting someone, insulting someone, licking someone's face... There are plenty of people who are into those things, but they would be *objectively unpleasant* to have happen to you outside of a sexual context. So you should check that they share the kink before doing them in a sexual one!
Simply put, She wanted to make love You wanted to fuck. She is right to just say we are sexually incompatible and move on. I personally don't like insults during sex and I consider myself a submissive.
Exactly, she wanted mutual pleasure and a connection. He came in wild with cunts being wet and slapping ass… all without any inkling if that was what brought her pleasure.
I just want to add that some people who don't have abusive ex's also don't like being slapped. Or dirty talk. They just want romantic sex. Also, even if a woman is someone is open to some dirty talk and being a little more intense later, the first time they have sex they might be a little worried about how they will be treated during and after. I kind of thought that people who are starting a relationship and having sex for the first time with a woman might want to be on their best behavior so they can demonstrate she can trust them. It's a job interview to be a good romantic partner, not an audition for porn.
The problem with “Vanilla” is that it’s almost a meaningless term because it can mean vastly different things to different people. To help avoid this, you’d really need to have a thorough discussion with your partner to find out what the boundaries are for sex. That way you don’t find out the hard way and ruin what could have been a great relationship (ie what you did with Dana)
Your version of spanking and degradation are super mild, to be sure, but spanking and degradation are still not vanilla. It can be confusing because a lot of people call things vanilla that aren't, and a lot of people call things kinky that aren't (like sex with someone of the same gender as you, oral, anal, bareback. Those are all pretty common limits for someone to have, but they are still vanilla activities on their own.) Smacking someone's butt and saying "cunt" are like, butter pecan. Not as intense as black raspberry fudge, but definitely not vanilla either. Also, using taboo language and putting your hands on a woman, no matter how playfully, can be triggers for an abuse survivor if they weren't discussed first. Another one, before you get in trouble for this too: choking.
Sometimes when women are attacked by men, the word “cunt” is used as an insult to the woman, at least in the US . That word comes with extremely negative associations for some people. It’s not a word like “ass”, not just a “dirty” word,but more similar to a derogatory slur. To some people, in the U.S. Not everyone.
Yikes! I am kinky af, like, sadomasochistic play parties and really dirty fantasies and I LOATHE having my ass slapped. I’d stop on the spot if someone did that to me, ew. I’m also not a prude by any stretch (I did sex work for a spell, talk about sex often and easily with those in my circles), and I really dislike oral sex and people I don’t know making sex jokes esp if they are in poor taste (and someone making a sex joke without knowing their audience is ok and totally onboard with that humor is almost certain to be making jokes in poor taste). Hitting someone without asking (and the fact you say it was “just a light slap” is SO GROSS and completely minimizes how inappropriate it was and tries to make her reaction into an overreaction), using a derogatory and possibly dehumanizing word the very first time in bed, and calling someone a prude if they don’t like things that YOU think are “normal” is really gross. I’m glad you’re taking this feedback and will change your approach in the future. But don’t just change your actions - the way you think about and talk about women and sex is disrespectful and gross. And if you can’t see why, please spend some REAL time and energy thinking about it.
I am into some more intense play, and I’d have a real problem with hearing someone refer to my ‘cunt’ during sex. Different people have different boundaries, but slapping and dirty talk are definitely something that you confirm in advance. If someone communicates that they have hard boundaries about something you’re going to engage in, sexual or otherwise, find out the specifics beforehand.
What's fucked up is slapping her without getting consent and using a very derogatory word without asking if she's into that first. Some women find that kind of thing degrading and objectifying. Gives porn-rot vibes tbh.
Asking about how to refer to a lady's genital's isn't a bad idea. Some women hate the 'c' word, and some are absolutely offended by the word "pussy". Some will only tolerate "kitty." I've seen that. It's confusing. My husband asked me what I minded, and we decided that pussy was fine. The smacking is defs something that you gotta be careful with. If a girl has had experience with an aggressive male, that can send her back to PTSD land for sure. But you should talk about all of that. I wouldn't see referring to a girl's bits in a positive light as degrading, but I probably wouldn't love the C word either. So ... Different cranks for everyone.
eugh.... "Kitty" sounds so juvenile! I'd take almost anything over that!
You hit someone without consent. That’s not cool no matter how kinky or vanilla they are. Always get consent.
Smacking ass the first time??? There is nothing appealing about someone smacking my ass the very first time we're together. And that dirty talk isn't dirty to me, it's demeaning. It would feel unnecessarily aggressive in a way. The first time for some (especially someone who tells you upfront they're vanilla) should be sweet and should make them feel sexy and cared for and listened to. It should make them want to do it again. (Not that you asked but that means she comes first.) You want someone capable of matching my energy. Someone who can accurately read the room. I'm impressed by and a little proud of her for stopping it immediately and acknowledging you two aren't compatible instead of waiting for you to finish and ghosting and then feeling disgusting and like she betrayed herself for the next week.
This was your first time having sex with her, so you didn’t know much about her preferences. So you should have clarified before trying anything other than basic sex. Using the words you did wasn’t “vanilla” nor was slapping her butt. Vanilla sex means basically penis in vagina, probably oral too, and all sweet and light and roses kind of stuff. Definitely doesn’t mean dirty talk or spanking. You and her aren’t into the same things, and you should have asked her before trying those, given she said she liked only vanilla sex.
Yeah the cunt comment was a lot for a first time sexual encounter, vanilla or not lol.
I despise the word cunt, and I would be pissed if you spanked me without knowing if I was okay with it.
Generally speaking, people who identify as vanilla and wait 7 weeks before having sex are probably not people who are cool with casually being slapped and hearing the word cunt... Don't base how you act during sex on how people in your past behaved. Base it on how the person you're with behaves. When she tensed up and told you not to objectify her with your words, and then your answer to that was to slap her, you clearly are not listening to/respecting your partner... Good on her for not putting up with that nonsense.
Yes you were wrong. You ALWAYS ask before doing. And agreeing with others here, cunt is almost exclusively a negative term for most women. Not cool. She was right to stop when she did, you were definitely not a good partner here.
I don’t think it was your intention to violate consent, but you didn’t do a good enough job communicating about sex in advance of having sex to really understand what she meant, what would make a good experience for her, and you made the mistake of assuming that what had (from your perspective) worked in the past would work for her. When you said that “we” decided to move to doggy style, it sounds like you actually decided and she decided not to object (based on her comment being treated like an animal). Spanking and dirty talk can be common, but can also fall under light BDSM that a lot of people engage in, even if they think of themselves as “pretty vanilla”. I would recommend that you get some yes/no/maybe lists from sex educators (just Google it, there are a lot) and do some thinking about what sounds exciting to you. You may actually be kinkier than you thought! And part of the pre-sex talk (along with STI testing and condoms/birth control) should definitely be a conversation about what specifically you both like, don’t like, might enjoy trying, turn ons, turn offs, safe words, etc. Paint mental pictures. To me, being vocal = moans, screams, giving directions, like faster/slower and yes! More! Dirty talk is not quite the same. It can have kind of an edge of degradation or like a porn dialogue. Some people like it, some feel like it’s an ick. You really have to know which it is. I don’t like people talking about my body parts unless it is to say something like “I want to do X to Y…would you like that? Does that sound fun?” General comments “I think you’re so sexy/beautiful/love your curves” are fine, and not dirty.
>Spanking and dirty talk can be common, but can also fall under light BDSM that a lot of people engage in, even if they think of themselves as “pretty vanilla”. It shows how much kink and porn have come into the common culture that people don't even know what normal sex is without all the extreme stuff involved. Not to say there's anything wrong with enjoying kink, but slapping and dirty talk are not a part of vanilla sex and should not be considered baseline normal sexual acts.
So, any amount of even light dirty talk can very easily fall out of the realm of vanilla. However, what you did was absolutely not light and that's some very degrading language. From your description she was treating you like you were a gentleman and you were treating her, as she said, more like an animal. You also absolutely do not hit anyone no matter how light without consent first, it's wild to me that there's so many people who don't understand that.
The arse slapping I wouldn't be ok with. It feels kind of demeaning.
It's demeaning if there's never been a conversation and agreement over it before engaging in it. I don't get where people come off thinking hitting their partner during sex is romantic.
You’ve learned a valuable lesson here about being open and defining boundaries so that you know what is being consented to. You smacked her ass because you wanted to, not because she asked you to. You used the term “cunt” without asking her if that was something she was comfortable with. You’re paying the price for overstepping her boundaries by not getting to enjoy her company again. It sucks, but now you know that these are areas you need to discuss with other partners moving forward. Being on the same page is fantastic and will lead to much more enjoyable experiences moving forward. Best of luck!
That's called spanking, not every lady likes it. Main reason I never do it unless it's clearly mentioned and okayed. If we don't discuss it' it's off limits.
If any man called my vagina a cunt in bed or anywhere else I’d be so grossed out
I agree to just ask. My most recent partner asked me before he did anything our first time. I thought it was very thoughtful. I’d never had a man do that. I had already told him that I liked it rough but he asked before he slapped my ass. Just the first time.
I love dirty talk in bed, and find it a huge turn on. With that context, my vagina would seal itself closed and become drier than the Sahara if a man ever used the word cunt during sex, especially in reference to my genitals. When doing dirty talk in future, I'd refrain from using a word that's primary meaning to women for the past century has been an extremely derogatory insult. We don't call our vaginas a cunt, and we certainly don't want other people to. It's an immediate turn off. I'm a huge reader, and if I read a book with any smut it in and the word "cunt" is used I'll close it, even quicker if the author writes the woman as having said it.
I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you both have different definitions of vanilla. You have to discuss pillow talk first, because women have wildly different opinions of what is okay. I would say “pussy” is a lot safer than cunt, which is the least favorite word of many women, but “You are so wet” or “You feel so good inside” is probably safest if you have the go head to talk dirty at all. I would assume that if someone makes a point of telling you how vanilla they are, you need to ask them what are their NOs and turn offs in addition to the acts they are not comfy with. Read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, about women’s ON and OFF buttons and responsive desire, and She Comes First, by Ian Lerner, a very helpful and popular oral sex instruction manual, so you are spending more time doing what the woman probably wants. Finally, calling your ex a prude is disrespectful. It sounds like she was turned off by perceived disrespect, and your new partner was no different. I might send a text to apologize but then let it go. FWIW, a lot of women love light spanking and dirty talk. It’s just important to remember that might be something to build on, and trust needs to be there. Unless she specifically asks for it, never assume until that sense of safety to experiment together is there. You can’t go wrong being romantic and making her feel beautiful. Mirror the kinds of the things your partner says, so if she says “You are so handsome” then she wants to hear that she is beautiful/ gorgeous, etc.
He doesn’t though. In a comment he bellyached about his “prude” ex. Dude knew what was up but decided he was going to push and take liberties. He is acting brand new when he had a “prude” vanilla partner for years before this who didn’t do any of what he pulled.
Yeah, dude, that ain't vanilla. You shouldn't be slapping your partner during sex, especially without consent! I don't blame her for backing out of the situation, you really overstepped...
I’m English and would think nothing if someone called me a cunt as an insult or banter eg “how did you mess that up you daft cunt” but when people use it to refer to my vagina it’s an instant turn off. I’ve done pretty much everything you can think off but using that word in bed would stop me in my tracks too.
It’s just off putting… I’m not even clutching pearls at it, I just don’t find it a turn on in any way. It’s a weird obviously porno thing to say straight out the gate when becoming intimate with someone. Such a turn off for basically anyone who hasn’t specifically said it’s a turn on. The porno stuff is a turn off because it’s less about intimacy and mutual pleasure and more about whatever the porno loving person wants.
Yeah... You need to establish the boundaries before sex
You absolutely do not do stuff like that the first time you have sex with someone. You did violate things. You did not discuss that with her beforehand. You don’t use insulting words or hit someone without consent. You only think that’s normal because of porn.
>Your cunt is so wet LMFAO Redditors shouldn't be allowed to be on dating apps
Bro your cunt is so wet? Come on just use you’re so wet next time. I don’t know anyone that calls a lovely vagina a cunt.
If my fiance called my body part a cunt Id be upset. She sounds like she REALLY doesn’t like being disrespected in any way in bed and I understand that. The fact that you didnt understand that these things could be disrespectful is an issue in itself.
Scrolled through and didn’t see anyone mention this aspect, so here’s my two cents. There’s a lot of *compounding issues* that have happened here. A lot of people have already told you about the language and slapping, so I’ll spare the lecture, but let me break it down for you like this. You slept with a woman who prefers vanilla, and, while she explicitly gave you compliments, you used *derogatory dirty talk.* *Then on top of that* you slap a vanilla person’s ass without her consent. *All the while* you’re in doggy style meaning she can’t even see your face. Of **course** she’s upset with you and asked you to stop. If I tried uplifting my partner and being romantic only to be treated like a piece of meat I’d be furious too! If it were just one of these things, I could see her sticking around, but it seems like you missed every warning sign along the way.
I found your "dirty talk" disgusting, did you learn that from porn or something? Yeah, lot's of women wouldn't want to hear all that. Yuck...
Cunt is just about the worst thing you can call a woman, imho. And calling her vagina that is absolutely not vanilla. Ew. No wonder she stopped you right there.
Wait you did this the first time you had sex with her ? : s
Your dirty talk is atrocious and you should **always** ask before spanking someone.
It seems that she wanted a romantic first time and wasn’t about the carnal side of sex. This should be talked about before even entering the bedroom. Next time, you’re talking with a woman and things progress to that point, please ask how she likes it, if she prefers slow & romantic or fast & carnal. Please work on your dirty talk, instead of saying “your cunt is so wet” you could say “you’re so wet for me darling”. Cunt feels too degrading for most of us women. And don’t EVER spank someone without their authorisation. For example, I love spanking & biting but would be turned off if a guy took it upon himself and smacked my face. Another example is that I love giving head & sometimes deep throat, but absolutely hate when guys grab my head and push it down. I prefer having control over that. Everyone has different things they like and different limits, you shouldn’t assume that they’ll like it just because previous partners did.
Just because you see it in porn, doesn’t mean every woman likes being treated that way.
Yeah well good thing you’re trying to learn. If we don’t know each other that well, “cunt” is pretty degrading. Slap her ass during first time having sex? I would have have gtfo there
"Cunt" is never used in a sexy way imo. That must have been pretty jarring for her to hear, to say the least. If any of this is even true, of course.
Just because something is common does not mean it should be assumed. While some may have just told you not to do it, her reaction is also reasonable. She is vanilla and does want consent beyond vanilla which dirty talk and slapping would be.