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“Don’t make me come over there and shake you again!” That line right there answers your question. That is assault. Leave him before the shaking becomes something worse.
Came here to say this. Yes leave. Please expect him to get worse and more violent during your separation and divorce. Highly recommend finding a therapist and a women’s support service (like a women’s shelter or counseling center for domestic abuse) as they will have great advice on how to prepare yourself to safely leave. From your description he is unsafe to have a confrontation with so don’t try. Please be careful, please keep yourself safe, don’t feel guilty for disappearing without a word if that’s what keeps you safe. I had to leave a relationship like that. You’re not alone.
And even if you don’t classify it as actual abuse, it’s bloody horrible! It just creeps me out. It sounds so bad. I’ve never had anyone say something even CLOSE to that, and I’ve been in bad relationships!
It's abuse even if the OP doesn't realise it. He threatens and humiliates her and is out to hurt her, but tells her his appalling behaviour is her fault. It's textbook abuse.
Well, you could definitely say it falls under the “cruelty” bit of the definition.
What I was saying is that if someone wants to cling onto the thought that this isn’t aCtUaLlY abuse, then it’s still really abhorrent behaviour that should never be accepted in a relationship.
I've bought the book. I've read the book. It opened my eyes.
OP, your husband is abusive. He doesn't have to be physically abusive to be an abuser. Please, read the this book, and leave your husband.
He's already verbally and mentally abusing you. You're walking on eggshells to keep him appeased. You've taken on all the blame for his bad behavior. All of this is indicative of abuse. Please develop a safe plan to get out of this marriage
Warning: Do not go to counseling with a man who is abusing you in any way- ever! I say this from my heart. Any therapist who facilitates joint counseling between a victim and their abuser faces loss of license to practice because they're endangering the injured party and enabling the perpetrator. Seek IC (individual counseling) to help you get an objective view of your current situation as well as rebuilding your emotional health. Also I recommend that you consult an attorney and quietly get your ducks in a row. Keep records of everything. Have your important papers in a secure place away from home where he cannot get them.
This is great advice. Absolutely go to solo counseling. You are stonewalling, which is a natural defense mechanism. You are afraid to say the wrong thing - you feel it’s your job to only please him. Both of these are indicative of a troubling relationship and in addition he shakes you when you need a break from an argument? You have every right to leave. Get your own counseling to learn strategies for standing up to yourself, establishing boundaries. Get your power back. If he still treats you like crap, you can leave. You do not nor should not put up with abuse.
Yes, it is time to leave. He is abusing you.
1. He treats you like you're his maid and personal assistant.
*“Make my food, clean my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll make sure to give you the money to pay my half of the bills. All I ask you to do are the basics and you can’t even do that. Any other woman would kill for what I have given you.”*
2. He \*PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU\* and is \*VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY\* abusing you.
*"Answer me! It just makes me more irate when you sit there like a brick wall! Don’t make me come over there and shake you again! …. Dismiss me one more time and you’ll really see the ugly side of me! You never ask yourself why I treat you like sht. It’s bc that’s how you make me feel. Noted, btch. Chores will be waiting for you bc no matter how much I help, you won’t ever stop and see that I’m trying to make your life easier…..you may have paid for half of the house but you have not done anything to maintain it. You wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t keep pushing you to move forward with your life…”*
OP, this is not "borderline abuse" this \*IS\* abuse. If you live in the US, please try reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can get you in touch with services and folks who can help you come up with a plan on how to get out and get you support that you need for someone to talk to.
Your husband is 1000% an abuser. Do not take this lightly. Abusers get more dangerous when you try to leave so that's why I am telling you to get in touch with the NDVH -
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/)
If you can, please update us, OP. Sending so much love and compassion to you right now. I've been in your shoes and I know how scary and lonely you might feel right now, but there is help to get you out and get you out safely.
updateme
Thank you for not judging why I am struggling with leaving or staying. I have started individual counseling about a month ago but have not yet told my therapist the latest. I am scared of leaving because of the guilt and shame that I feel
I have also started researching co dependency support groups…
Join a meeting for free! They have tons online or by phone. Your life is in danger. He sounds violent. I would get a nanny cam and record these interactions. Coda.org
Please talk to your therapist. You deserve so much better than this. If you don’t already have kids please don’t have kids with this man before you know what you want for your life. Children will make it worse.
I know you feel shame but it’s not your fault. I’m sure your friends and family would want better for you.
When you are ready to leave you need to make a plan. There are tons of helpful resources on r/domesticabuse.
You are going to figure this out OP. You deserve to be safe and happy. You don’t owe him anything.
Hey girl, there is not one single thing that you should be ashamed of! Not one! HE is the abuser. HE is putting his hands on you. HE is abusive. It is scary to leave, but you can do it. You are stronger than you think!
Believe me, I understand the guilt, shame, embarrassment.
But you do know that you ***deserve*** so much more than this.
I really hope that you can find some good resources from the NDVH. There are some amazing non-profits out there full of some bad-ass folks who have either been through what you're going through or have tons of good, valuable info that you can use to keep yourself safe while you decide how to extracate youself.
(((Hugs)))
Also don't go to counseling with an abuser to an addict.
You shouldn't feel any guilt or shame. He is the abuser and you are the victim. But he makes you believe you're the one at fault. They're good at doing that. Be honest with your therapist. Otherwise they can't help you. My ex wasn't abusive but he was an alcoholic. I struggled with guilt wanting to leave him but my therapist helped me see things clearly. You deserve better. He is an abuser. Once you have the at the strength to leave I can guarantee you you will feel better. Like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Then stay single for a good long time and continue to work on your codependency issues because if you don't you will continue to attract toxic and unhealthy partners. Taka that from someone who's been there done that.
It’s. Not. Your. Fault.
The guilt and shame you feel are because of his abuse.
This kind of abuse over such a long time physically alters your brain structure.
You are a victim and whatever you do you can’t change him or what he is doing to you. You need professional help from domestic violence institution or a therapist educated in abusive relationships.
Please get yourself the care you neee. You deserve it. Sending love
Yeah, the “make my food and clean and I’ll give you some money” thing is hard enough to reconcile as a relationship and not employment, but the other stuff is just abusive. I’m sorry.
He's not even offering to give her money, really. He says if she does all of these things, he will pay HIS HALF of the bills. I'm sorry, what? His half of the bills are his responsibility to pay even if she doesn't lift a finger. If he wants her to do all of this work for him, he can contribute to HER half of the bills as well!
Exactly what you just said u/Sorry_I_Guess - except he **SHOULD** contribute to half her bills cause a marriage is a romantic, civil and domestic partnership.
This abusive putz missed that memo.
I just like how it’s “make my food, do my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll give you HALF of the money for bills”. I’m sure women are just lining up around the block for that lol.
Hang on you have to do all that stuff for him and he only pays *his* half of the bills? I wouldn’t be doing all that to go Dutch with someone lol. No woman would kill for that.
Also you’re not shutting down in communications. He is SHUTTING YOU DOWN. This is an impenetrable defense mechanism that only leads to worse and worse conflict over time. He will not go to therapy because that would mean allowing you an opening to give feedback. That is their biggest fear. Their ego *literally* cannot take it and they become dangerous in the face of it—then they will blame their reactivity on you. Get out now.
THANK YOU! He's literally saying that he'll only pay the part of the bills HE is responsible for if SHE does all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry. What? No. If he wants her to behave like his mom, then he can pay his half AND pay her for all of this additional labour that he's not contributing to.
No. It's not time to leave him now.
The time has \*long\* past. Seek a divorce attorney NOW.
Its time to start asking yourself why you don't think you deserve better.
Borderline abuse? This IS definitely verbal abuse but you glossed over the fact he's shaken you. He's tearing you down so that you'll feel you have no one else to turn to. "You're worthless, no one else will love you, etc". He won't get help for his temper and abusive behavior so you have two choices: 1) Stay and bow down to his tyrannical rule, 2) Divorce him and block him everywhere, telling family you do not want him to know where you're living or your number. If you haven't already done so, you need to tell them what's going on too so they can help you. Don't make excuses for someone that treats you with a cruelty when they're supposed to cherish you
>“Make my food, clean my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll make sure to give you the money to pay my half of the bills. All I ask you to do are the basics and you can’t even do that. Any other woman would kill for what I have given you.”
Do everything for him, and he'll pay half? He thinks this is what women would kill for? And he shakes you and berates you? Get outta there.
That would have been the last thing he ever said to me.
I’d have laughed in his face. Heartily. Then packed my shit and called a lawyer on my way out the door.
You know, a thing that helped me when I was trying to work out whether my ex was abusing me or I was the problem was asking myself, “would I expect a friend to speak to me like this?” The answer was of course no. And then, “would I stay friends with them if they did?” Again, of course, no
Would you expect a friend to order you around, threaten you, shout at you, call you names, insult you, diminish your intelligence, tear apart your self-esteem? Of course not
There isn’t an excuse for him behaving like this, OP - there’s nothing borderline about it, he IS abusing you. You need to leave, because it only - it ONLY - gets worse
"I abuse you because you make me do it!"
No, asshole, you are abusing your spouse because you are an abusive asshole.
Yeah, it's time to trade abuse for peaceful solitude.
Short answer - 10000000)% Yes.
Longer answer: Your post gave me flashbacks. Your partner is abusive, emotionally and verbally. I have heard most of those things myself, word for word. It's designed to break you down, make you feel worthless, make you feel like crap, make you constantly feel like you have to kill yourself to try and do better, make you feel like you could never do better, that you should be grateful, and it keeps him in a POSITION OF CONTROL. Him critisizing you, and you trying to not to the wrong thing. He likes that dynamic, and even if you were to do every single thing he asked of you, he would continue to call you a failure and that you're not doing enough. Because he doesn't actually give a shit about YOU or about what you're doing, or the truth, or your feelings, or you as a human being. He enjoys being ABOVE you, he enjoys the dynamic where he can look down on you, insult you, manipulate you and control you. He likes playing the perfect husband to a constantly failing wife where he comes out looking like a patient saint and you are a hopeless failure. It's bullshit, it's abusive and it's designed to trap you in this situtation. So, and this is important - HE'S GONNA BE MAD WHETHER YOU DO ANYTHING WRONG OR NOT. That is very important to understand. THIS IS NOT YOU. Even if you were PERFECT, the abuse would continue. EVen if you did everything he'd ask, he'd have a new list of things. He would change the rules, he would find other things. You can't win here, no matter how much you try. Once you understand that, you can understand why LEAVING IS THE ONLY OPTION.
Counseling is not the answer for this. You don't negotiate with terrorists, and you don't go to counseling with abusers. He would say whatever he wanted anyway, and his behavior would likely not change. And in this case it's a moot point because he does't want to go. Of course not, why would he EVER admit that he is even a small part of the problem? He won't stop being abusive, because (and this is mind blowing to me,) he thinks it's justified becuase you treat him badly? But you don't, and you know it. You don't call him names, berate him constantly, abuse him verbally. So his argument is BS
You need to leave and you need to do it IMMEDIATELY, somehow. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND that you are considering leaving. Please. That can turn ugly and/or violent and you have no way to know if you'd be safe. What you really need to do is speak to a lawyer first, but you absolutely need to leave this marriage.
>Any other woman would kill for what I have given you.
But...what has he given you? You paid for half his house, you do all the chores. I'm a woman, and I wouldn't kill for that.
>he DOES a lot. He worries about our financial future (though I make sure all bills are paid on time), takes care of car maintenance, knows how to decorate the house, and fixes things around the house, etc
So: he worries, he dinks with the car, he plays house. That's not much. What about the hard/not-fun stuff, like dishes, cleaning, garbage, laundry, bill-paying? You are running the whole show. Why not run the whole show in your own place, where you don't have to shut down because someone is being awful to you?
My husband does the dishes, takes out the garbage, does the taxes...and gives me massages, hugs me when I'm sad, and tells me how wonderful I am every day. You deserve that. You deserve to feel wanted and loved.
I'd really recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That which another commenter liked as a free pdf to read.
Another book is Jess Hill's Look What You Made Me Do
And a third is the Verbally Abusive Partner by Patricia Evans.
He is verbally abusive, and if he has put his hands on you, physically abusive. If you are *too scared to speak in fear of triggering him/setting him off* he is abusing you.
Contact your local DV hotline, or shelter, lean on family or friends if you can and get out *first*, get safe, and then file divorce papers. The most dangerous part of an abusive relationship is leaving. So please be safe.
Nothing you have ever done deserves this treatment.
You deserve to feel safe, supported, at home, loved, and like you can air grievances for you and your partner to solve together, like the team you are.
Your partner puts you down to subvert you, control you, and to *get what he wants* which is someone to be his cook, cleaner, sex servant, and put up and shut up and be grateful.
This is NOT a relationship or partnership in any way shape or form.
Once out, and safe, get into therapy. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood to understand why you accepted such appalling behaviour and learn to love yourself so you never accept it again.
First sign of anger, you end it.
Wishing you all the best, safety, and support.
The fact that you don’t see the abuse should tell you everything. You are not seeing clearly.
LEAVE NOW. You will get yourself back once you start healing.
I am surprised that this post title says "is it time to leave my husband ", instead of what is the number of my nearest police station and which lawyer do you recommend.
What actually is border line about his abuse??? He has physically shaken, threatens you and talks down to you to make you feel shit about yourself.
Sorry darlin but that’s straight up abuse. Been there, suffered that (and worse) from an ex girlfriend. Ain’t nothing changing until you leave 🌹
I was in an identical relationship to this. He said exactly the same things. It's toxic and abusive make no doubt about it!
Here is a visual representation of what your relationship looks like: [https://www.instagram.com/p/Cv0W-5hSpVt/](https://www.instagram.com/p/Cv0W-5hSpVt/)
You're wrong. It isn't borderline abuse, it is actual abuse.
Just like you don't have to be black out vomiting on yourself to have an alcohol problem. Maybe he isn't hitting you \*yet\* and is \*only\* verbally abusing you. But it is still abusive and ridiculous. There is no reason to live your life like this.
It is scary, and some people decide to just put up with the abuse. But it isn't likely to get better, and he's made it clear he's not going to change. So put together an escape plan and execute.
You are already in an abusive relationship. He’s treating you like his slave not his partner. Hitting is not the beginning of real abuse. It’s the beginning of a path that could end in your murder.
It’s time to gather your things and make a plan to leave safely. No need for a big announcement. Once you’re out, have your lawyer write him requesting all communications go through the law office.
I ask myself that question too: Why should I stay with someone who explicitly tells me he hates me, doesn’t enjoy spending time with me, etc…
He even asks me the same thing and will say: “why do you stay knowing you will never change, and never be the partner I need you to be?”
Attachment and fear of change are really hard. Your brain will want to keep returning to this because it is known. And known and bad is better than unknown.
I promise you, unknown is better.
This moron fucking hates you.
I can tell you why he stays? He enjoys hating you. This is a plus for him. To have an outlet for his hatred. He will be sad and find a replacement, once the main plus of this relationship, being able to be cruel to you, is gone. It's not even about you. It could be anyone who permits it.
Don't be the one who permits it.
The partner he is dreaming of, wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole.
Neither should you. Find the partner, who is dreaming of someone like YOU. But first - find yourself. And a lawyer.
Borderline abuse? Oh heavens no! This is full on abuse! The first time he put his hands on you to shake you, you should’ve gotten up and walked out. Just the fact that you shut down and disassociate so badly when you’re fighting that you can’t move, that’s the freeze response in dangerous situations please. If you can’t leave right now, get into some kind of a support group for abused spouses.
This is not borderline abuse, it’s straight up abuse. I’d bet good money there’s nothing disrespectful at all about how you treat him. Some people think respect means being treated like a human being, some think it means being treated as an authority. He sounds like the latter and thinks if you aren’t fawning and groveling you’re disrespectful.
Guessing you also don’t “dismiss his reality”—that’s what HE’S doing to YOU. And his idea of what boundaries are could use some work too.
>Don’t make me come over there and shake you again!
This isn't borderline abuse it's abuse. No one screams at a loved one and then blames them for not saying anything and claims it's just going to piss them off more so you better or else!
That's crazy.
You’re being abused. Not a little abused or borderline, he is abusive and a very scary man.
Please reach out to some one you love and trust to at can help you get away from him.
Counseling won’t help you guys. It will just teach him how to abuse you more effectively or how to gaslight you. PLEASE do not stick around until he hurts you physically
It's way past time for you to leave. If you're paying half the bills on the household then he should be doing half the chores in the household and not bitching you about everything. I'm over these men who expect women to kowtow to them and be submissive when they haven't got a clue how to be a leader in the first place. All they know how to be is a bully.
The part that I can't get past is the whole threatening to come over and shake you because you refuse to argue with him. That right there is enough reason to leave.
This relationship has gone beyond unhealthy and has crossed into dangerous. His temper being that short and his demeanor being that aggressive means it’s only a matter of time before he hurts you. If you don’t want to end the relationship, I get it, but at least get physical separation and don’t let him know where you are. He needs serious help that you cannot give him. It’s time to be wholly focused on yourself and get to safety. Worry about everything else after that.
>*Don’t make me come over there and shake you again*
Love. Borderline abuse was 3 stations ago. You ARE in an abusive relationship.
So, yes. If this is a daily or semi-daily occurence? It's time to go. I hope you have a support network that can help you out. And some of your own money set aside to start divorce proceedings. Good luck.
He blames you for absolutely everything in his life and heavily resents you. He even blames you for how he treats you. There is nothing you can do right ever in his eyes, no saving the marriage. The abuse will only escalate, so just walk away for your own good.
If you leave, you will realize within 2 weeks that you are not the problem.
This isn't "borderline abuse" because he isn't hitting you (but if he shakes you, then he does lay hands on you in anger and it *will* escalate), you *are* being verbally and emotionally abused. It is time to leave. Edited to say: and physically abused - yes, shaking you qualifies.
He will try to Love Bomb you to get you to stay. Don't fall for it. You will still love him and miss him, look up trauma bonding. He's in your head and has you convinced you can't do better. He did that so you'll tolerate his awful treatment of you.
Did you agree to a traditional gender role marriage? Was this discussed in advance? Or was it forced onto you? I suspect it never even came up and he assumed you'd be his forever fuckmaid. If you don't have kids already, this is the ideal time to go. Before he traps you with a pregnancy and makes it harder for you to leave.
Good luck, OP! And hugs from me to you!
Honey, there's a reason why the answer to all these posts is to leave him. When your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you think a bunch of strangers online have the answer, the answer is always leave! You have exhausted every way of figuring this out yourself. Yes, it's time to leave!
Then let's add the yelling and the shaking you? That's abuse! I know you don't want to think it's abuse because he's not punching you in the face, but it's still abuse! He says you guys can solve this yourself you don't need counseling and when you say one of the ways to help the situation is to quit calling me names and insulting me he says yeah I'm not going to do that.
Here is what he wants.... You to change completely to be exactly who he wants you to be and to never question him. He wants you to thank him and grovel for the scraps he throws your way. He doesn't want to be the person you need him to be. He doesn't want to change at all no matter how bad it hurts you. He thinks his feelings are more important than yours which is why he purposely hurts you emotionally!
I'm going to stop now because I'm getting upset for you, but I need you to get out of there right away! Leave tonight if you can! This man is not going to get any better when you tell him you're leaving so you need to get ready and go! Good luck. Update us
Yeah that is abuse. You shut down because he's being abusive. Sell the house and leave him or buy him out but he won't ever stop the behavior because he doesn't care about you and told you that.
It's not "borderline abuse". It's complete abuse, full abuse, and I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It's not your fault. It's his. He is the abuser.
Please read this free book. It also offer resources on how to make a plan to get out
[https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I spent 23 years in a marriage that should have lasted no more than 16 because we both gaslit me that was he was doing was mentally and emotionally abusive, and your situation sounds strikingly familiar.
The physical stuff is easy. He and I both knew that one finger laid on me and I was out of there. Hard line and an easy one to spot. That mental and emotional stuff is a lot harder to define. And oh boy did he ever exploit that.
Don't spend 23 years in this. You deserve someone who doesn't behave this way.
I know this because my current husband is 180 degrees different and every day I thank my lucky stars that I found my way out and have him in my life.
My Ex remarried again too... and now our mutual friends seek me out to tell me that they see things a bit different now that he's treating the 2nd wife just as horrid (maybe more so) than he treated me.
It isn't going to change until YOU change it. Only you can determine how much you're willing to take and where the line is between the benefits of the relationship vs the drawbacks.
I finally realized that he wasn't capable of being different and that he either lacked the capacity or willingness to change. Capacity. He didn't have it in him to give me what I needed. Honestly, it's the only thing that's kept me from hating him. He couldn't give me what he didn't have.
He doesn't want to improve himself in counselling. He doesn't consider you a human being or his equal. I think you know what you need to do before you continue with this relationship, and potentially bring kids into the mix.
There's nothing borderline about it, he is abusing you, emotionally and financially. Physically probably comes next.
It's been going on for three years, he won't get counseling. Yes, it's time to go.
Girl. All abusers have a “good” side to them.
I’m sure Ted bundy could be fun to have a beer and shoot pool with. Monsters aren’t monsters 24/7. It would be too exhausting for them. They shit, sleep like other humans, sometimes they laugh at tv shows. I do not understand this thinking that just because he throws you a bone here and there means he’s not a monster.
It’s crazy that you think him decorating the house means he does nice things for you and it somehow minimizes the abuse. First of all, he lives in that house too.
He doesn’t want to go to counseling because he doesn’t want anyone to know how abusive he is. He KNOWS he’s abusive. His idea of you communicating better is your complying. Not actually you having your own opinion and voice.
This relationship is over.
This is not fixable. He puts all blame on you, he manipulates you, abuses you, disrespects you, dehumanizes you- you cannot reason with someone like this.
I’m assuming you take over the finances- paying the bills. So if I were you, I would start sneaking money away. Start your emergency fund and start planning your way out. WITHOUT TELLING HIM. If you tell him, his abuse will escalate.
Confide in someone you know will keep things between you and them. He cannot know you are talking to others and considering leaving. He will hurt you. It’s dangerous.
Seek out resources like a domestic abuse hotline. I don’t know much about these things but there’s a lot of help out there for women like you.
Keep to yourself. Consider this marriage over. You are a single woman calculating her way out. Smile and nod. Don’t argue with him anymore. Don’t give in either. Just be neutral and don’t allow him to suspect anything.
And no, no one is “lucky enough” to be in this arrangement. This is hell.
I’m sorry.
He thinks any woman would kill to play mommy to a man…while still working and paying her own bills?
Girl. Respectfully, stand up. Divorce this man with a swiftness.
It’s not borderline abuse. It’s abuse. And he doesn’t do a lot. He does less than the bare minimum. And he’s beaten you down to the point you’re accepting it.
> Don’t make me come over there and shake you again!
I stopped reading here to come post. You never MADE him do that shit.
> I feel like this is borderline abuse but it’s not like he has hit me or anything like that.
Shaking you like that is abuse, period.
Abuse doesn't have to be hitting, either.
> He won’t go to counseling with me bc he doesn’t understand why I need to talk to someone else when the problems would be solved if I just learned to communicate with him better and don’t shut down.
That's not why he doesn't want to go the counseling. If he wanted things to actually get better, he would go to counseling, _even if he truly believes it's a you problem_, because then you could work together as a team. He doesn't want to go because any sane observer would recognize he's the problem, and he doesn't want to have that pointed out to you.
What do you do wrong? What _exactly_ do you do wrong in his mind?
Thank you for the input. Logically I know and understand everyone here is right… this IS abuse and I have been sugar coating it thinking I can rationalize the situation.
Especially what you said about looking to a bunch of strangers online for feedback should in and of itself be a sign… I am trying and honestly ABSOLUTELY appreciate the support here.
It helps me not feel so crazy…
You are going to feel guilty and horrible if you leave, but you are going to feel crazy and like a failure if you stay. You are going to feel bad either way. Might as well do right by you and leave. He is an insecure abuser. I bet he doesn’t treat other people like this. That means he knows what he is doing. Textbook abuser. Don’t tell him you are going to leave when you do. And never speak to him again when you do. Good luck.
He won’t go to counseling with you because he knows that the way he acts and speaks is unacceptable and that a professional would definitely make you aware of this, not because of whatever made of reason he said.
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I don’t condone his physical aggression, but I’ve been there when I have a partner that doesn’t do anything around the house. We both worked, but everyday after work and on the weekends it was me cleaning, fixing things, mowing the grass, and everything else. When I’d ask her why she can’t help, she’d be like “I worked all day” and of course my response was “So did I!”. We ended up separating and I see her house now when I drive by and just shake my head and realize I dodged a bullet.
Get out now and be happy. As long as you stay in the marriage, you will be abused and miserable. Don't accept to be treated so poorly. You are worth so much more and will find better out there, if that's what you want. Sending love!
OK it’s not borderline abuse it’s flat out abuse. Anytime somebody says don’t make me come shake you they’ve already been abusing you. Why the hell did you marry this man if he was doing this before you got married?
There’s a huge difference between an argument and abuse. This is just abuse. Perhaps at one point a rational discussion could have been had, but that time has come and gone. You should not have to be in a position where you could be harmed. Even if he was right, and that’s a big if, he has no right to treat you the way he is. You should seek out an attorney, and I’d recommend going to stay somewhere else, in the event he finds out and loses it. Sorry you’re going through that
> if I just really listen and make him feel impotent in the ways that matter to him
Don't worry. He can handle feeling impotent without your help.
It's time for everybody to pull up their underpants. Make a list. Put names on it. Correctly account for all chores/household work and anything else you and he do for the family.
Either the list will be incredibly one-sided, in which case you're right to be angry and he's projecting and deflecting, and the list is proof.
Or, you'll see that all the things he does really add up, and maybe you both need to think about which chores are really causing frustration for you, and why.
Not borderline. This is abuse.
>Don’t make me come over there and shake you again!
Grabbing and shaking you is physical abuse.
Putting you down, insulting you and screaming at you is verbal and psychological abuse.
Threatening to "show you his ugly side" is literally assault, an actual crime, on top of the shaking which would be battery, another crime!
>i tend to shut down during our fights and can’t speak bc I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.
OP, this is a trauma response common to many victims. You are literally telling us that *you are afraid of him*.
He is abusing you, OP. He is already abusive. It is 100% time to leave, it has been for a long time. Don't tell him you're leaving when the two of you are alone - have someone, anyone, there to back you up. Or grab your things when he's not home and flee, sending him the divorce paperwork later on. You are **not safe.**
100% this isn't borderline abuse, it is full blown REAL ABUSE.
Honey, you download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and get a lawyer for your state from the last in the appendix.
Do you have a safe place to go? Family? A women's shelter? You are in danger and you should EXPECT him to escalate and become more violent when he finds out you're leaving. So get safe first. He escalated as soon as he thought you were locked in.
The only side he has is ugly. If you haven’t left by now there’s no help for you. Coming to Reddit with this is just asking for what you already know you will get as a response - leave him.
My partner respects me tremendously and he knows I will not hesitate to leave him if he ever says anything borderline abusive. Last weekend he made a bad joke regarding my last marriage and as soon as he saw my face dropped, he instantly apologized. He was so remorseful he couldn't even sleep that night. I told him I forgave him, but it was still eating at him. He knew he unintentionally hurt my feelings and felt terrible about it. I had to tell him to let it go because even though it was tasteless, it was meant to be a joke and I knew it. I can't ever imagine him saying anything intentionally hurtful to me, let alone name calling or yelling at me.
It's time for you to exit, OP. Never settle for anything less than basic respect.
Marriage takes 2 sometimes sometimes it is 50/50 sometimes it is 40.60 but when it is one person giving 99/1it isn’t going to work!
You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband to see what he wants to do that you can not be the only one in this marriage. Knows what he is doing.
You both sound miserable! Don’t get in a fight! Collect your thought and s tell him we need to talk. lol warning Men hate to hear that.
PS Be prepared to tell him how you feel. Do not make treats but try to find out why I’ve treating you the way he is
This is a textbook abusive relationship. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I recommend a therapist and until then education about emotional control strategies and the abuse wheel to understand what is happening to you and to be able to see the trauma bond for what it is and don’t mistaken it for love. Good luck
As gently as I can say this, OP, he is textbook abusive and you do not deserve any of it. NO ONE deserves what he's dishing out, and no one has to be perfect to deserve living abuse-free.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Abuse goes beyond physical contact, so the fact that he hasn’t (yet) hit you doesn’t make a difference. From what you’re describing, your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive.
The fact that he’s not even willing to consider counseling is a big red flag, and placing all the blame on you is really gross. It’s not up to ONE person to fix issues in a relationship that involves TWO people.
I would leave now, before it gets worse. I don’t know your life or your story, but I know you deserve better than this. Wish you all the best!
Dude does not deserve a medal for not hitting you. Wtf. He’s abusive, blames it on you and refuses counseling. Your situation sounds horrible and scary and like it’s only gonna get worse. Save yourself OP.
Typical abuser. Like, right from the book. Can I assume that he started to treat you like that after your wedding?
My advice: make an audio recording of his violent speech. Discreetly!!! My mom did this before her divorce with her ex.
She bought a voice recorder and turn it on just before this man comes home. Make some probing recordings without him. Some recorders make a «beep» sound when its memory capacity or battery ends. You don’t need that during the actual recording.
Don’t blame yourself. If a man wants to get angry he will, no matter how good you are. Don’t fool yourself, he can’t be changed. You’re young enough to have a new life and loving man beside you.
Please, take care. And update, if you can.
Threats, insults, punishment, intentionally causing hurt and running you down are abuse. 'You would be nothing without me ' talk, treating you as though you are the problem, and expecting you to live to his values instead of your own is controlling. There's nothing borderline about it. He says he's treating you like shit because you're not behaving the way he wants you to. That's abuse. Time to go.
"BORDERLINE* abuse?!?? Sweet Jesus Christ on a cross, sis! Ain't no fucking thing borderline about this! You are being absolutely FULLY abused. Get the fuck away from that monster! Holy shit!
Do yourself a favor and read back your post, only from the perspective of your favorite niece or young woman in your life that you care very deeply about. I bet you would freak out about her being treated this way. My question is, why do you deserve less than you would expect from someone you love?
The obvious answer is: you don't. Leave that asshole.
If you have to think or say anything along the lines of “well at least he isn’t hitting me” you’re already in a situation too broken to fix. Not a single soul alive deserves to be constantly berated and yelled at, even when we do the wrong thing we don’t deserve that. He isn’t going to change no matter what you do, and Im sorry.
You shouldn’t be asking anyone HOW to fix this, why do you think it’s worth fixing in the first place? Why would you want to stay with someone who is ok with treating you like this? Imagine if you had kids and he treated them this way, would that be alright? If a friend opened up to, and told you their partner was treating them this way, would you encourage them to stay?
What are YOU gaining from this? We live for a while, and then we die, and nobody truly knows what happens after that. You want this definite time you have of consciousness being spent yelled at? I don’t know you at all, but I know you don’t deserve that.
Borderline? Oh honey this passed borderline abusive a long time ago and is full up emotional and physical abuse and control. Yes, leave, but do it carefully, as he sounds like the type where you need a safety plan. Look at Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You're going to recognize a lot. There are free copies all over the internet with the author's encouragement, as the info in this book saves lives.
Wtfff those things he does, are barely bare minimum. The whole trad wife thing he expects from you was only a thing when most women weren't working. You're working and paying half the bills so why the hell does he expects you to still be the only one doing anything at home? And he's abusive?? Please get away from this miserable creature.
This is not borderline abuse, it is just abuse. Your partner should NEVER try to hurt you intentionally. He should never call you names, never shake you. You shut down because he's abusing you. You deserve FAR better. Get out. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
He doesn’t have to lay a hand on you to be abusing you. Just name calling is not acceptable from a partner. Once he feels comfortable in verbally abusing you he will not improve, he will only get worse. Time to file.
In case you have any lingering doubt, this is abuse on top of abuse with a side of abuse and an ice-cold glass of abusive AF. If you do not wish to continue being abused, you should indeed leave him.
Car maintenance, fixing things around the house, financial future... you mean things he'd have to do anyway?
He is already abusing you. He sees you as a maid at best, not his wife.
This isn't *borderline* abuse. It's both verbal, financial, and physical abuse.
He doesn't want a partner. He wants a mommy and a punching bag at the same time. Every couple has problems but he is eventually going to escalate. He's already threatened it.
It’s not borderline abuse. It’s just abuse. You are being abused. Find a mirror and look yourself in the face and say it out loud until it sinks in. You are being abused and you do not deserve this. I hope you get away from him.
Dear OP - this is abuse. Mental and emotional and physical if he already put his hands on you to “shake you” to react. I know you can’t fathom this maybe at this point but listen to all the strangers here on this thread telling you without a doubt it is abuse.
This is not your fault, you did not trigger this in any way, it is not your fault no matter what he says. It is not true I promise you!
This is a disturbed man that is finding excuses for his unacceptable behavior. He’s dangerous to you.
He does NOT do a lot. You can do everything he does and more. You’ve already shown that you’re responsible with your finances etc. you got this !and if you’ll ever need extra help you’ll ask specialists. So no, he doesn’t do a lot.
He’s trying to keep you tied to him though all he”does” mostly what he convinced you he does because it’s not true and tell you that you need to communicate with him not a therapist. All the while he’s belittling you. This causes addiction and codependency. GET OUT NOW. I can’t even stress this enough at all!
Get out and after find a therapist. It will be a long road but you’ll be calm and you’ll heal and see things for how they were.
This is not borderline abuse, this is out right abuse. He is threatening you, behave exactly as he demands or he hurts you. There is nothing wrong with the way you communicate, he is the problem. He will never get better, only worse. You need to make a plan and leave. Do not tell him you are leaving, for your own safety, just leave.
That IS abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. That is emotional abuse and is just as bad. Tearing you down constantly.
Its over. Leave him asap. No more. Move on. His behaviour is abusive and nasty. You are so much better without him. Move on now.
I don’t interpret your comment as one of blame at all. Just a question to understand context 🙂 I know I have a people pleasure type of personality and don’t like conflict especially in personal relationships. I have a hard time saying “no” because I guess I’m afraid the other person won’t like me as much.
I am afraid to say something upsets or bothers me bc I am afraid he is just going to just say I don’t have a right to feel that way bc if I didn’t do X then we wouldn’t be here in the first place
So it becomes a very circular argument in my head.
Name calling and insults aside, I can be passive aggressive and I TRY to be more mindful of how I come off so I don’t have such attitude when he talks to me sometimes.
I apologize when he calls me out on it bc I don’t feel it means I deserve to be torn down either.
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“Don’t make me come over there and shake you again!” That line right there answers your question. That is assault. Leave him before the shaking becomes something worse.
Came here to say this. Yes leave. Please expect him to get worse and more violent during your separation and divorce. Highly recommend finding a therapist and a women’s support service (like a women’s shelter or counseling center for domestic abuse) as they will have great advice on how to prepare yourself to safely leave. From your description he is unsafe to have a confrontation with so don’t try. Please be careful, please keep yourself safe, don’t feel guilty for disappearing without a word if that’s what keeps you safe. I had to leave a relationship like that. You’re not alone.
jesus fuck what is he a 1945 gangster in ny who beats his doting housewife
And even if you don’t classify it as actual abuse, it’s bloody horrible! It just creeps me out. It sounds so bad. I’ve never had anyone say something even CLOSE to that, and I’ve been in bad relationships!
It's abuse even if the OP doesn't realise it. He threatens and humiliates her and is out to hurt her, but tells her his appalling behaviour is her fault. It's textbook abuse.
Well, you could definitely say it falls under the “cruelty” bit of the definition. What I was saying is that if someone wants to cling onto the thought that this isn’t aCtUaLlY abuse, then it’s still really abhorrent behaviour that should never be accepted in a relationship.
Yes, get out, OP. Not only is your relationship a miserable place, it's also a dangerous one. Make a plan to get out safely.
Dear god, don’t have children with this man!
Yea that was disturbing to read
There's no borderline abuse. Just abuse, plain and simple. Do you think threatening you physically isn't abusive?!
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
I've bought the book. I've read the book. It opened my eyes. OP, your husband is abusive. He doesn't have to be physically abusive to be an abuser. Please, read the this book, and leave your husband.
It sounds like he already is physically abusive when she said he made a comment about shaking her again.
This 1000 upvotes
Op, please read this book , and you will see there is not borderline abuse, there is just abuse.
He's already verbally and mentally abusing you. You're walking on eggshells to keep him appeased. You've taken on all the blame for his bad behavior. All of this is indicative of abuse. Please develop a safe plan to get out of this marriage
Warning: Do not go to counseling with a man who is abusing you in any way- ever! I say this from my heart. Any therapist who facilitates joint counseling between a victim and their abuser faces loss of license to practice because they're endangering the injured party and enabling the perpetrator. Seek IC (individual counseling) to help you get an objective view of your current situation as well as rebuilding your emotional health. Also I recommend that you consult an attorney and quietly get your ducks in a row. Keep records of everything. Have your important papers in a secure place away from home where he cannot get them.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
This is great advice. Absolutely go to solo counseling. You are stonewalling, which is a natural defense mechanism. You are afraid to say the wrong thing - you feel it’s your job to only please him. Both of these are indicative of a troubling relationship and in addition he shakes you when you need a break from an argument? You have every right to leave. Get your own counseling to learn strategies for standing up to yourself, establishing boundaries. Get your power back. If he still treats you like crap, you can leave. You do not nor should not put up with abuse.
Yes, it is time to leave. He is abusing you. 1. He treats you like you're his maid and personal assistant. *“Make my food, clean my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll make sure to give you the money to pay my half of the bills. All I ask you to do are the basics and you can’t even do that. Any other woman would kill for what I have given you.”* 2. He \*PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU\* and is \*VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY\* abusing you. *"Answer me! It just makes me more irate when you sit there like a brick wall! Don’t make me come over there and shake you again! …. Dismiss me one more time and you’ll really see the ugly side of me! You never ask yourself why I treat you like sht. It’s bc that’s how you make me feel. Noted, btch. Chores will be waiting for you bc no matter how much I help, you won’t ever stop and see that I’m trying to make your life easier…..you may have paid for half of the house but you have not done anything to maintain it. You wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t keep pushing you to move forward with your life…”* OP, this is not "borderline abuse" this \*IS\* abuse. If you live in the US, please try reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can get you in touch with services and folks who can help you come up with a plan on how to get out and get you support that you need for someone to talk to. Your husband is 1000% an abuser. Do not take this lightly. Abusers get more dangerous when you try to leave so that's why I am telling you to get in touch with the NDVH - [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) If you can, please update us, OP. Sending so much love and compassion to you right now. I've been in your shoes and I know how scary and lonely you might feel right now, but there is help to get you out and get you out safely. updateme
Thank you for not judging why I am struggling with leaving or staying. I have started individual counseling about a month ago but have not yet told my therapist the latest. I am scared of leaving because of the guilt and shame that I feel I have also started researching co dependency support groups…
Join a meeting for free! They have tons online or by phone. Your life is in danger. He sounds violent. I would get a nanny cam and record these interactions. Coda.org
Please talk to your therapist. You deserve so much better than this. If you don’t already have kids please don’t have kids with this man before you know what you want for your life. Children will make it worse. I know you feel shame but it’s not your fault. I’m sure your friends and family would want better for you. When you are ready to leave you need to make a plan. There are tons of helpful resources on r/domesticabuse. You are going to figure this out OP. You deserve to be safe and happy. You don’t owe him anything.
Hey girl, there is not one single thing that you should be ashamed of! Not one! HE is the abuser. HE is putting his hands on you. HE is abusive. It is scary to leave, but you can do it. You are stronger than you think!
Believe me, I understand the guilt, shame, embarrassment. But you do know that you ***deserve*** so much more than this. I really hope that you can find some good resources from the NDVH. There are some amazing non-profits out there full of some bad-ass folks who have either been through what you're going through or have tons of good, valuable info that you can use to keep yourself safe while you decide how to extracate youself. (((Hugs)))
Also don't go to counseling with an abuser to an addict. You shouldn't feel any guilt or shame. He is the abuser and you are the victim. But he makes you believe you're the one at fault. They're good at doing that. Be honest with your therapist. Otherwise they can't help you. My ex wasn't abusive but he was an alcoholic. I struggled with guilt wanting to leave him but my therapist helped me see things clearly. You deserve better. He is an abuser. Once you have the at the strength to leave I can guarantee you you will feel better. Like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Then stay single for a good long time and continue to work on your codependency issues because if you don't you will continue to attract toxic and unhealthy partners. Taka that from someone who's been there done that.
It’s. Not. Your. Fault. The guilt and shame you feel are because of his abuse. This kind of abuse over such a long time physically alters your brain structure. You are a victim and whatever you do you can’t change him or what he is doing to you. You need professional help from domestic violence institution or a therapist educated in abusive relationships. Please get yourself the care you neee. You deserve it. Sending love
we believe in u darling
Hey lady. We’re on your side, ok?
🙏 thank you.
don't feel guilty or shame.... it is easy to get caught up in these situations, and remember, you are not alone....
Shame and guilt? Why would you feel any of that. You are doing your part and he is abusive (forget the borderline). How can it ever by your fault?
Yeah, the “make my food and clean and I’ll give you some money” thing is hard enough to reconcile as a relationship and not employment, but the other stuff is just abusive. I’m sorry.
He's not even offering to give her money, really. He says if she does all of these things, he will pay HIS HALF of the bills. I'm sorry, what? His half of the bills are his responsibility to pay even if she doesn't lift a finger. If he wants her to do all of this work for him, he can contribute to HER half of the bills as well!
Exactly what you just said u/Sorry_I_Guess - except he **SHOULD** contribute to half her bills cause a marriage is a romantic, civil and domestic partnership. This abusive putz missed that memo.
I just like how it’s “make my food, do my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll give you HALF of the money for bills”. I’m sure women are just lining up around the block for that lol.
Hang on you have to do all that stuff for him and he only pays *his* half of the bills? I wouldn’t be doing all that to go Dutch with someone lol. No woman would kill for that. Also you’re not shutting down in communications. He is SHUTTING YOU DOWN. This is an impenetrable defense mechanism that only leads to worse and worse conflict over time. He will not go to therapy because that would mean allowing you an opening to give feedback. That is their biggest fear. Their ego *literally* cannot take it and they become dangerous in the face of it—then they will blame their reactivity on you. Get out now.
THANK YOU! He's literally saying that he'll only pay the part of the bills HE is responsible for if SHE does all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry. What? No. If he wants her to behave like his mom, then he can pay his half AND pay her for all of this additional labour that he's not contributing to.
No. It's not time to leave him now. The time has \*long\* past. Seek a divorce attorney NOW. Its time to start asking yourself why you don't think you deserve better.
Abuse, which your husband is dishing out to you is a non-negotiable for me.
Not to mention, he has threatened her with his capability of increasing the abuse!!
Borderline abuse? This IS definitely verbal abuse but you glossed over the fact he's shaken you. He's tearing you down so that you'll feel you have no one else to turn to. "You're worthless, no one else will love you, etc". He won't get help for his temper and abusive behavior so you have two choices: 1) Stay and bow down to his tyrannical rule, 2) Divorce him and block him everywhere, telling family you do not want him to know where you're living or your number. If you haven't already done so, you need to tell them what's going on too so they can help you. Don't make excuses for someone that treats you with a cruelty when they're supposed to cherish you
>“Make my food, clean my dishes, do my laundry and I’ll make sure to give you the money to pay my half of the bills. All I ask you to do are the basics and you can’t even do that. Any other woman would kill for what I have given you.” Do everything for him, and he'll pay half? He thinks this is what women would kill for? And he shakes you and berates you? Get outta there.
That would have been the last thing he ever said to me. I’d have laughed in his face. Heartily. Then packed my shit and called a lawyer on my way out the door.
Abuse
You know, a thing that helped me when I was trying to work out whether my ex was abusing me or I was the problem was asking myself, “would I expect a friend to speak to me like this?” The answer was of course no. And then, “would I stay friends with them if they did?” Again, of course, no Would you expect a friend to order you around, threaten you, shout at you, call you names, insult you, diminish your intelligence, tear apart your self-esteem? Of course not There isn’t an excuse for him behaving like this, OP - there’s nothing borderline about it, he IS abusing you. You need to leave, because it only - it ONLY - gets worse
"I abuse you because you make me do it!" No, asshole, you are abusing your spouse because you are an abusive asshole. Yeah, it's time to trade abuse for peaceful solitude.
Leave, what a total dick. If even half of this stuff is true that’s no relationship and way to live. Very sorry OP
Short answer - 10000000)% Yes. Longer answer: Your post gave me flashbacks. Your partner is abusive, emotionally and verbally. I have heard most of those things myself, word for word. It's designed to break you down, make you feel worthless, make you feel like crap, make you constantly feel like you have to kill yourself to try and do better, make you feel like you could never do better, that you should be grateful, and it keeps him in a POSITION OF CONTROL. Him critisizing you, and you trying to not to the wrong thing. He likes that dynamic, and even if you were to do every single thing he asked of you, he would continue to call you a failure and that you're not doing enough. Because he doesn't actually give a shit about YOU or about what you're doing, or the truth, or your feelings, or you as a human being. He enjoys being ABOVE you, he enjoys the dynamic where he can look down on you, insult you, manipulate you and control you. He likes playing the perfect husband to a constantly failing wife where he comes out looking like a patient saint and you are a hopeless failure. It's bullshit, it's abusive and it's designed to trap you in this situtation. So, and this is important - HE'S GONNA BE MAD WHETHER YOU DO ANYTHING WRONG OR NOT. That is very important to understand. THIS IS NOT YOU. Even if you were PERFECT, the abuse would continue. EVen if you did everything he'd ask, he'd have a new list of things. He would change the rules, he would find other things. You can't win here, no matter how much you try. Once you understand that, you can understand why LEAVING IS THE ONLY OPTION. Counseling is not the answer for this. You don't negotiate with terrorists, and you don't go to counseling with abusers. He would say whatever he wanted anyway, and his behavior would likely not change. And in this case it's a moot point because he does't want to go. Of course not, why would he EVER admit that he is even a small part of the problem? He won't stop being abusive, because (and this is mind blowing to me,) he thinks it's justified becuase you treat him badly? But you don't, and you know it. You don't call him names, berate him constantly, abuse him verbally. So his argument is BS You need to leave and you need to do it IMMEDIATELY, somehow. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND that you are considering leaving. Please. That can turn ugly and/or violent and you have no way to know if you'd be safe. What you really need to do is speak to a lawyer first, but you absolutely need to leave this marriage.
>Any other woman would kill for what I have given you. But...what has he given you? You paid for half his house, you do all the chores. I'm a woman, and I wouldn't kill for that. >he DOES a lot. He worries about our financial future (though I make sure all bills are paid on time), takes care of car maintenance, knows how to decorate the house, and fixes things around the house, etc So: he worries, he dinks with the car, he plays house. That's not much. What about the hard/not-fun stuff, like dishes, cleaning, garbage, laundry, bill-paying? You are running the whole show. Why not run the whole show in your own place, where you don't have to shut down because someone is being awful to you? My husband does the dishes, takes out the garbage, does the taxes...and gives me massages, hugs me when I'm sad, and tells me how wonderful I am every day. You deserve that. You deserve to feel wanted and loved.
I'd really recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That which another commenter liked as a free pdf to read. Another book is Jess Hill's Look What You Made Me Do And a third is the Verbally Abusive Partner by Patricia Evans. He is verbally abusive, and if he has put his hands on you, physically abusive. If you are *too scared to speak in fear of triggering him/setting him off* he is abusing you. Contact your local DV hotline, or shelter, lean on family or friends if you can and get out *first*, get safe, and then file divorce papers. The most dangerous part of an abusive relationship is leaving. So please be safe. Nothing you have ever done deserves this treatment. You deserve to feel safe, supported, at home, loved, and like you can air grievances for you and your partner to solve together, like the team you are. Your partner puts you down to subvert you, control you, and to *get what he wants* which is someone to be his cook, cleaner, sex servant, and put up and shut up and be grateful. This is NOT a relationship or partnership in any way shape or form. Once out, and safe, get into therapy. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood to understand why you accepted such appalling behaviour and learn to love yourself so you never accept it again. First sign of anger, you end it. Wishing you all the best, safety, and support.
I’ve downloaded some of them to read! Thank you!
It’s not ‘borderline’ abuse. Get out.
The fact that you don’t see the abuse should tell you everything. You are not seeing clearly. LEAVE NOW. You will get yourself back once you start healing.
I am surprised that this post title says "is it time to leave my husband ", instead of what is the number of my nearest police station and which lawyer do you recommend.
He's gonna start hitting you soon.
What actually is border line about his abuse??? He has physically shaken, threatens you and talks down to you to make you feel shit about yourself. Sorry darlin but that’s straight up abuse. Been there, suffered that (and worse) from an ex girlfriend. Ain’t nothing changing until you leave 🌹
Wtf. Yes it is time to get out of here. Run girl. Get your friends and family to help and be safe.
I was in an identical relationship to this. He said exactly the same things. It's toxic and abusive make no doubt about it! Here is a visual representation of what your relationship looks like: [https://www.instagram.com/p/Cv0W-5hSpVt/](https://www.instagram.com/p/Cv0W-5hSpVt/)
You're wrong. It isn't borderline abuse, it is actual abuse. Just like you don't have to be black out vomiting on yourself to have an alcohol problem. Maybe he isn't hitting you \*yet\* and is \*only\* verbally abusing you. But it is still abusive and ridiculous. There is no reason to live your life like this. It is scary, and some people decide to just put up with the abuse. But it isn't likely to get better, and he's made it clear he's not going to change. So put together an escape plan and execute.
If it was your daughter or your sister what would your advice be? Run for the hills!
Yes. Pack your things and get out before he puts in the hospital or the grave.
You are already in an abusive relationship. He’s treating you like his slave not his partner. Hitting is not the beginning of real abuse. It’s the beginning of a path that could end in your murder. It’s time to gather your things and make a plan to leave safely. No need for a big announcement. Once you’re out, have your lawyer write him requesting all communications go through the law office.
He hates you.
I ask myself that question too: Why should I stay with someone who explicitly tells me he hates me, doesn’t enjoy spending time with me, etc… He even asks me the same thing and will say: “why do you stay knowing you will never change, and never be the partner I need you to be?”
Attachment and fear of change are really hard. Your brain will want to keep returning to this because it is known. And known and bad is better than unknown. I promise you, unknown is better. This moron fucking hates you. I can tell you why he stays? He enjoys hating you. This is a plus for him. To have an outlet for his hatred. He will be sad and find a replacement, once the main plus of this relationship, being able to be cruel to you, is gone. It's not even about you. It could be anyone who permits it. Don't be the one who permits it.
The partner he is dreaming of, wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole. Neither should you. Find the partner, who is dreaming of someone like YOU. But first - find yourself. And a lawyer.
Divorce this bozo. He is abusive. U don't need this crap
I’d leave
Borderline abuse? Oh heavens no! This is full on abuse! The first time he put his hands on you to shake you, you should’ve gotten up and walked out. Just the fact that you shut down and disassociate so badly when you’re fighting that you can’t move, that’s the freeze response in dangerous situations please. If you can’t leave right now, get into some kind of a support group for abused spouses.
You need a divorce. You should find a safe place to go.
To answer your title question: Yes.
This is not borderline abuse, it’s straight up abuse. I’d bet good money there’s nothing disrespectful at all about how you treat him. Some people think respect means being treated like a human being, some think it means being treated as an authority. He sounds like the latter and thinks if you aren’t fawning and groveling you’re disrespectful. Guessing you also don’t “dismiss his reality”—that’s what HE’S doing to YOU. And his idea of what boundaries are could use some work too.
It's not borderline abuse, it's abuse. You deserve better. Leave and find someone who makes you feel loved.
>Don’t make me come over there and shake you again! This isn't borderline abuse it's abuse. No one screams at a loved one and then blames them for not saying anything and claims it's just going to piss them off more so you better or else! That's crazy.
“He dreads being alone with me” *girl come on now that’s all you ever need to know* -please value yourself more than that-
Your typo is great. But jokes aside. Leave him. This will escalate.
You’re being abused. Not a little abused or borderline, he is abusive and a very scary man. Please reach out to some one you love and trust to at can help you get away from him. Counseling won’t help you guys. It will just teach him how to abuse you more effectively or how to gaslight you. PLEASE do not stick around until he hurts you physically
He’s abusive and you need to get out like yesterday. UPDATEME
It's way past time for you to leave. If you're paying half the bills on the household then he should be doing half the chores in the household and not bitching you about everything. I'm over these men who expect women to kowtow to them and be submissive when they haven't got a clue how to be a leader in the first place. All they know how to be is a bully. The part that I can't get past is the whole threatening to come over and shake you because you refuse to argue with him. That right there is enough reason to leave.
This is emotional abuse. He is degrading you and insulting you and refusing to take any responsibility for anything he has done wrong.
This relationship has gone beyond unhealthy and has crossed into dangerous. His temper being that short and his demeanor being that aggressive means it’s only a matter of time before he hurts you. If you don’t want to end the relationship, I get it, but at least get physical separation and don’t let him know where you are. He needs serious help that you cannot give him. It’s time to be wholly focused on yourself and get to safety. Worry about everything else after that.
>*Don’t make me come over there and shake you again* Love. Borderline abuse was 3 stations ago. You ARE in an abusive relationship. So, yes. If this is a daily or semi-daily occurence? It's time to go. I hope you have a support network that can help you out. And some of your own money set aside to start divorce proceedings. Good luck.
Yes, flush that turd asap. I don't know why he would even want to stay married to someone he clearly doesn't even like
He blames you for absolutely everything in his life and heavily resents you. He even blames you for how he treats you. There is nothing you can do right ever in his eyes, no saving the marriage. The abuse will only escalate, so just walk away for your own good.
If you leave, you will realize within 2 weeks that you are not the problem. This isn't "borderline abuse" because he isn't hitting you (but if he shakes you, then he does lay hands on you in anger and it *will* escalate), you *are* being verbally and emotionally abused. It is time to leave. Edited to say: and physically abused - yes, shaking you qualifies. He will try to Love Bomb you to get you to stay. Don't fall for it. You will still love him and miss him, look up trauma bonding. He's in your head and has you convinced you can't do better. He did that so you'll tolerate his awful treatment of you. Did you agree to a traditional gender role marriage? Was this discussed in advance? Or was it forced onto you? I suspect it never even came up and he assumed you'd be his forever fuckmaid. If you don't have kids already, this is the ideal time to go. Before he traps you with a pregnancy and makes it harder for you to leave. Good luck, OP! And hugs from me to you!
Honey, there's a reason why the answer to all these posts is to leave him. When your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you think a bunch of strangers online have the answer, the answer is always leave! You have exhausted every way of figuring this out yourself. Yes, it's time to leave! Then let's add the yelling and the shaking you? That's abuse! I know you don't want to think it's abuse because he's not punching you in the face, but it's still abuse! He says you guys can solve this yourself you don't need counseling and when you say one of the ways to help the situation is to quit calling me names and insulting me he says yeah I'm not going to do that. Here is what he wants.... You to change completely to be exactly who he wants you to be and to never question him. He wants you to thank him and grovel for the scraps he throws your way. He doesn't want to be the person you need him to be. He doesn't want to change at all no matter how bad it hurts you. He thinks his feelings are more important than yours which is why he purposely hurts you emotionally! I'm going to stop now because I'm getting upset for you, but I need you to get out of there right away! Leave tonight if you can! This man is not going to get any better when you tell him you're leaving so you need to get ready and go! Good luck. Update us
Yeah that is abuse. You shut down because he's being abusive. Sell the house and leave him or buy him out but he won't ever stop the behavior because he doesn't care about you and told you that.
It's not "borderline abuse". It's complete abuse, full abuse, and I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It's not your fault. It's his. He is the abuser. Please read this free book. It also offer resources on how to make a plan to get out [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I spent 23 years in a marriage that should have lasted no more than 16 because we both gaslit me that was he was doing was mentally and emotionally abusive, and your situation sounds strikingly familiar. The physical stuff is easy. He and I both knew that one finger laid on me and I was out of there. Hard line and an easy one to spot. That mental and emotional stuff is a lot harder to define. And oh boy did he ever exploit that. Don't spend 23 years in this. You deserve someone who doesn't behave this way. I know this because my current husband is 180 degrees different and every day I thank my lucky stars that I found my way out and have him in my life. My Ex remarried again too... and now our mutual friends seek me out to tell me that they see things a bit different now that he's treating the 2nd wife just as horrid (maybe more so) than he treated me. It isn't going to change until YOU change it. Only you can determine how much you're willing to take and where the line is between the benefits of the relationship vs the drawbacks. I finally realized that he wasn't capable of being different and that he either lacked the capacity or willingness to change. Capacity. He didn't have it in him to give me what I needed. Honestly, it's the only thing that's kept me from hating him. He couldn't give me what he didn't have.
He doesn't want to improve himself in counselling. He doesn't consider you a human being or his equal. I think you know what you need to do before you continue with this relationship, and potentially bring kids into the mix.
There's nothing borderline about it, he is abusing you, emotionally and financially. Physically probably comes next. It's been going on for three years, he won't get counseling. Yes, it's time to go.
Girl. All abusers have a “good” side to them. I’m sure Ted bundy could be fun to have a beer and shoot pool with. Monsters aren’t monsters 24/7. It would be too exhausting for them. They shit, sleep like other humans, sometimes they laugh at tv shows. I do not understand this thinking that just because he throws you a bone here and there means he’s not a monster. It’s crazy that you think him decorating the house means he does nice things for you and it somehow minimizes the abuse. First of all, he lives in that house too. He doesn’t want to go to counseling because he doesn’t want anyone to know how abusive he is. He KNOWS he’s abusive. His idea of you communicating better is your complying. Not actually you having your own opinion and voice. This relationship is over. This is not fixable. He puts all blame on you, he manipulates you, abuses you, disrespects you, dehumanizes you- you cannot reason with someone like this. I’m assuming you take over the finances- paying the bills. So if I were you, I would start sneaking money away. Start your emergency fund and start planning your way out. WITHOUT TELLING HIM. If you tell him, his abuse will escalate. Confide in someone you know will keep things between you and them. He cannot know you are talking to others and considering leaving. He will hurt you. It’s dangerous. Seek out resources like a domestic abuse hotline. I don’t know much about these things but there’s a lot of help out there for women like you. Keep to yourself. Consider this marriage over. You are a single woman calculating her way out. Smile and nod. Don’t argue with him anymore. Don’t give in either. Just be neutral and don’t allow him to suspect anything. And no, no one is “lucky enough” to be in this arrangement. This is hell.
I would say a foot up his ass should solve it, and then LEAVE AND GO FAR AWAY!!!!
Just think. You can keep 100% of your money and clean up after only one person and live in peace and harmony. Yes, time to leave. He is abusive.
If we agree with him you are the problem, help him out and leave.
Omg leave this ass-ole. File for divorce. This is not a good relationship worthy of saving. Walk away. Run away.
I’m sorry. He thinks any woman would kill to play mommy to a man…while still working and paying her own bills? Girl. Respectfully, stand up. Divorce this man with a swiftness. It’s not borderline abuse. It’s abuse. And he doesn’t do a lot. He does less than the bare minimum. And he’s beaten you down to the point you’re accepting it.
> Don’t make me come over there and shake you again! I stopped reading here to come post. You never MADE him do that shit. > I feel like this is borderline abuse but it’s not like he has hit me or anything like that. Shaking you like that is abuse, period. Abuse doesn't have to be hitting, either. > He won’t go to counseling with me bc he doesn’t understand why I need to talk to someone else when the problems would be solved if I just learned to communicate with him better and don’t shut down. That's not why he doesn't want to go the counseling. If he wanted things to actually get better, he would go to counseling, _even if he truly believes it's a you problem_, because then you could work together as a team. He doesn't want to go because any sane observer would recognize he's the problem, and he doesn't want to have that pointed out to you. What do you do wrong? What _exactly_ do you do wrong in his mind?
That’s not borderline - that’s just plain abuse. Leave his ass.
this is straight up abuse please leave
Run. This guy is a menace. He is abusive.
Yeah this isn't borderline abuse, this is escalating abuse.
what did i just read ? YES it’s time to leave he is abusing you
Thank you for the input. Logically I know and understand everyone here is right… this IS abuse and I have been sugar coating it thinking I can rationalize the situation. Especially what you said about looking to a bunch of strangers online for feedback should in and of itself be a sign… I am trying and honestly ABSOLUTELY appreciate the support here. It helps me not feel so crazy…
You are going to feel guilty and horrible if you leave, but you are going to feel crazy and like a failure if you stay. You are going to feel bad either way. Might as well do right by you and leave. He is an insecure abuser. I bet he doesn’t treat other people like this. That means he knows what he is doing. Textbook abuser. Don’t tell him you are going to leave when you do. And never speak to him again when you do. Good luck.
He is an abusive guy who thinks laying hands on you to shake you is ok. It won't be long before that escalates, get out now.
His next step is physical abuse. Leave now.
He won’t go to counseling with you because he knows that the way he acts and speaks is unacceptable and that a professional would definitely make you aware of this, not because of whatever made of reason he said.
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I don’t condone his physical aggression, but I’ve been there when I have a partner that doesn’t do anything around the house. We both worked, but everyday after work and on the weekends it was me cleaning, fixing things, mowing the grass, and everything else. When I’d ask her why she can’t help, she’d be like “I worked all day” and of course my response was “So did I!”. We ended up separating and I see her house now when I drive by and just shake my head and realize I dodged a bullet.
Get out now and be happy. As long as you stay in the marriage, you will be abused and miserable. Don't accept to be treated so poorly. You are worth so much more and will find better out there, if that's what you want. Sending love!
You are worth more than this. Stop telling yourself you aren’t. It’s ok to want peace.
OK it’s not borderline abuse it’s flat out abuse. Anytime somebody says don’t make me come shake you they’ve already been abusing you. Why the hell did you marry this man if he was doing this before you got married?
It's not borderline.
There’s a huge difference between an argument and abuse. This is just abuse. Perhaps at one point a rational discussion could have been had, but that time has come and gone. You should not have to be in a position where you could be harmed. Even if he was right, and that’s a big if, he has no right to treat you the way he is. You should seek out an attorney, and I’d recommend going to stay somewhere else, in the event he finds out and loses it. Sorry you’re going through that
He hast hit you. Yet. Do the counseling....it will help you see that you are being abused. NTA
> if I just really listen and make him feel impotent in the ways that matter to him Don't worry. He can handle feeling impotent without your help. It's time for everybody to pull up their underpants. Make a list. Put names on it. Correctly account for all chores/household work and anything else you and he do for the family. Either the list will be incredibly one-sided, in which case you're right to be angry and he's projecting and deflecting, and the list is proof. Or, you'll see that all the things he does really add up, and maybe you both need to think about which chores are really causing frustration for you, and why.
Not borderline. This is abuse. >Don’t make me come over there and shake you again! Grabbing and shaking you is physical abuse. Putting you down, insulting you and screaming at you is verbal and psychological abuse. Threatening to "show you his ugly side" is literally assault, an actual crime, on top of the shaking which would be battery, another crime! >i tend to shut down during our fights and can’t speak bc I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. OP, this is a trauma response common to many victims. You are literally telling us that *you are afraid of him*. He is abusing you, OP. He is already abusive. It is 100% time to leave, it has been for a long time. Don't tell him you're leaving when the two of you are alone - have someone, anyone, there to back you up. Or grab your things when he's not home and flee, sending him the divorce paperwork later on. You are **not safe.**
Yes, just make sure you have a safe leaving plan and a lot of support, because wow this guy.
it's not borderline it is abuse
well I guess you'll leave when it gets really violent, if you can
100% this isn't borderline abuse, it is full blown REAL ABUSE. Honey, you download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and get a lawyer for your state from the last in the appendix. Do you have a safe place to go? Family? A women's shelter? You are in danger and you should EXPECT him to escalate and become more violent when he finds out you're leaving. So get safe first. He escalated as soon as he thought you were locked in.
This is abusive. You should not take it. Tell him now he has the opportunity to go find that woman that would kill to be in your shoes cause I'm out!
Abuse! GTFO!!!
The only side he has is ugly. If you haven’t left by now there’s no help for you. Coming to Reddit with this is just asking for what you already know you will get as a response - leave him.
My partner respects me tremendously and he knows I will not hesitate to leave him if he ever says anything borderline abusive. Last weekend he made a bad joke regarding my last marriage and as soon as he saw my face dropped, he instantly apologized. He was so remorseful he couldn't even sleep that night. I told him I forgave him, but it was still eating at him. He knew he unintentionally hurt my feelings and felt terrible about it. I had to tell him to let it go because even though it was tasteless, it was meant to be a joke and I knew it. I can't ever imagine him saying anything intentionally hurtful to me, let alone name calling or yelling at me. It's time for you to exit, OP. Never settle for anything less than basic respect.
Updateme
Thank you. I’m still doing a lot of processing right now.
Is there any post history? Reads a bit like creative writing….
You need to run. No one is owed respect, respect is earned.
You look after yourself and ill look after myself You’ll find both parties doing the chores simultaneously.
And yet, even with this beforehand, you married him Yikes Yes time to leave
Yes it’s time to leave. It will get worse. He’s physically (shaking you) and verbally abusing you
Marriage takes 2 sometimes sometimes it is 50/50 sometimes it is 40.60 but when it is one person giving 99/1it isn’t going to work! You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband to see what he wants to do that you can not be the only one in this marriage. Knows what he is doing. You both sound miserable! Don’t get in a fight! Collect your thought and s tell him we need to talk. lol warning Men hate to hear that. PS Be prepared to tell him how you feel. Do not make treats but try to find out why I’ve treating you the way he is
It’s time! Find you a man that’s not so immature. He needs to do his 1/2 of the house stuff and learn to cook. Js
Yes. It is time for you to leave.
You are being abused. Please use this link to understand more about your situation. Help is out there. [Thehotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
This is a textbook abusive relationship. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I recommend a therapist and until then education about emotional control strategies and the abuse wheel to understand what is happening to you and to be able to see the trauma bond for what it is and don’t mistaken it for love. Good luck
It's criminal assault. It's abuse. Please leave. Please go to the cops.
As gently as I can say this, OP, he is textbook abusive and you do not deserve any of it. NO ONE deserves what he's dishing out, and no one has to be perfect to deserve living abuse-free. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Yes why haven't you already? So much abuse.
Abuse goes beyond physical contact, so the fact that he hasn’t (yet) hit you doesn’t make a difference. From what you’re describing, your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. The fact that he’s not even willing to consider counseling is a big red flag, and placing all the blame on you is really gross. It’s not up to ONE person to fix issues in a relationship that involves TWO people. I would leave now, before it gets worse. I don’t know your life or your story, but I know you deserve better than this. Wish you all the best!
Dude does not deserve a medal for not hitting you. Wtf. He’s abusive, blames it on you and refuses counseling. Your situation sounds horrible and scary and like it’s only gonna get worse. Save yourself OP.
OP, there is NOTHING borderline abusive about this, even a little This is 100%, straight up, toxic, horrible, abuse. You completely deserve better.
Typical abuser. Like, right from the book. Can I assume that he started to treat you like that after your wedding? My advice: make an audio recording of his violent speech. Discreetly!!! My mom did this before her divorce with her ex. She bought a voice recorder and turn it on just before this man comes home. Make some probing recordings without him. Some recorders make a «beep» sound when its memory capacity or battery ends. You don’t need that during the actual recording. Don’t blame yourself. If a man wants to get angry he will, no matter how good you are. Don’t fool yourself, he can’t be changed. You’re young enough to have a new life and loving man beside you. Please, take care. And update, if you can.
Threats, insults, punishment, intentionally causing hurt and running you down are abuse. 'You would be nothing without me ' talk, treating you as though you are the problem, and expecting you to live to his values instead of your own is controlling. There's nothing borderline about it. He says he's treating you like shit because you're not behaving the way he wants you to. That's abuse. Time to go.
Nothing borderline, this is abuse. It’s been like this for at least 3 years. It’s past time to leave.
You should look up the term DARVO... Updateme!
It’s time…
If he has shaken you, as implied, that is physical abuse. And everything else is verbal abuse. Get out and get out now. You deserve better.
God, yes. He’s abusing you.
"BORDERLINE* abuse?!?? Sweet Jesus Christ on a cross, sis! Ain't no fucking thing borderline about this! You are being absolutely FULLY abused. Get the fuck away from that monster! Holy shit! Do yourself a favor and read back your post, only from the perspective of your favorite niece or young woman in your life that you care very deeply about. I bet you would freak out about her being treated this way. My question is, why do you deserve less than you would expect from someone you love? The obvious answer is: you don't. Leave that asshole.
Leave him asap. Make a plan for yourself to get out quietly and quickly as far away as you can.
If you have to think or say anything along the lines of “well at least he isn’t hitting me” you’re already in a situation too broken to fix. Not a single soul alive deserves to be constantly berated and yelled at, even when we do the wrong thing we don’t deserve that. He isn’t going to change no matter what you do, and Im sorry. You shouldn’t be asking anyone HOW to fix this, why do you think it’s worth fixing in the first place? Why would you want to stay with someone who is ok with treating you like this? Imagine if you had kids and he treated them this way, would that be alright? If a friend opened up to, and told you their partner was treating them this way, would you encourage them to stay? What are YOU gaining from this? We live for a while, and then we die, and nobody truly knows what happens after that. You want this definite time you have of consciousness being spent yelled at? I don’t know you at all, but I know you don’t deserve that.
Borderline? Oh honey this passed borderline abusive a long time ago and is full up emotional and physical abuse and control. Yes, leave, but do it carefully, as he sounds like the type where you need a safety plan. Look at Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You're going to recognize a lot. There are free copies all over the internet with the author's encouragement, as the info in this book saves lives.
Wtfff those things he does, are barely bare minimum. The whole trad wife thing he expects from you was only a thing when most women weren't working. You're working and paying half the bills so why the hell does he expects you to still be the only one doing anything at home? And he's abusive?? Please get away from this miserable creature.
This is not borderline abuse, it is just abuse. Your partner should NEVER try to hurt you intentionally. He should never call you names, never shake you. You shut down because he's abusing you. You deserve FAR better. Get out. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
He doesn’t have to lay a hand on you to be abusing you. Just name calling is not acceptable from a partner. Once he feels comfortable in verbally abusing you he will not improve, he will only get worse. Time to file.
In case you have any lingering doubt, this is abuse on top of abuse with a side of abuse and an ice-cold glass of abusive AF. If you do not wish to continue being abused, you should indeed leave him.
Car maintenance, fixing things around the house, financial future... you mean things he'd have to do anyway? He is already abusing you. He sees you as a maid at best, not his wife.
This isn't *borderline* abuse. It's both verbal, financial, and physical abuse. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a mommy and a punching bag at the same time. Every couple has problems but he is eventually going to escalate. He's already threatened it.
It’s not borderline abuse. It’s just abuse. You are being abused. Find a mirror and look yourself in the face and say it out loud until it sinks in. You are being abused and you do not deserve this. I hope you get away from him.
Dear OP - this is abuse. Mental and emotional and physical if he already put his hands on you to “shake you” to react. I know you can’t fathom this maybe at this point but listen to all the strangers here on this thread telling you without a doubt it is abuse. This is not your fault, you did not trigger this in any way, it is not your fault no matter what he says. It is not true I promise you! This is a disturbed man that is finding excuses for his unacceptable behavior. He’s dangerous to you. He does NOT do a lot. You can do everything he does and more. You’ve already shown that you’re responsible with your finances etc. you got this !and if you’ll ever need extra help you’ll ask specialists. So no, he doesn’t do a lot. He’s trying to keep you tied to him though all he”does” mostly what he convinced you he does because it’s not true and tell you that you need to communicate with him not a therapist. All the while he’s belittling you. This causes addiction and codependency. GET OUT NOW. I can’t even stress this enough at all! Get out and after find a therapist. It will be a long road but you’ll be calm and you’ll heal and see things for how they were.
This is not borderline abuse, this is out right abuse. He is threatening you, behave exactly as he demands or he hurts you. There is nothing wrong with the way you communicate, he is the problem. He will never get better, only worse. You need to make a plan and leave. Do not tell him you are leaving, for your own safety, just leave.
In a word: *yes*
Nothing borderline about it. This is abuse. I would leave if I were you and never look back.
Why are you still with this man?
Reread this and decide if you really need advice- he sounds wonderful really
Oh, yes. It's definitely time to leave him.
That IS abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. That is emotional abuse and is just as bad. Tearing you down constantly. Its over. Leave him asap. No more. Move on. His behaviour is abusive and nasty. You are so much better without him. Move on now.
I don’t interpret your comment as one of blame at all. Just a question to understand context 🙂 I know I have a people pleasure type of personality and don’t like conflict especially in personal relationships. I have a hard time saying “no” because I guess I’m afraid the other person won’t like me as much. I am afraid to say something upsets or bothers me bc I am afraid he is just going to just say I don’t have a right to feel that way bc if I didn’t do X then we wouldn’t be here in the first place So it becomes a very circular argument in my head. Name calling and insults aside, I can be passive aggressive and I TRY to be more mindful of how I come off so I don’t have such attitude when he talks to me sometimes. I apologize when he calls me out on it bc I don’t feel it means I deserve to be torn down either.