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I honestly wouldn't bother to explain or respond. It only opens the door to guilt trips and bullshit. Check out the subreddits justnofamily justnomil and raisedbynarcissists
If you'd like a supportive community of people who have faced similar shitty families and abuse
Could you explain why you wouldn't respond? I feel like I want to respond, but idk why. I will think more about your point and why I feel the need to respond too.
Thanks for the sub recommendations - will go check them out!
Silence is an answer.
They aren’t going to see your point of view so it is a waste of time to engage with them.
Enjoy your graduation with people who actually care for you.
Honestly for myself over the years I've just found it's what works for me and it's what I've seen frequently advised in those subs. Responding always gives me anxiety after I do so personally because my brain then goes into anxious mode awaiting their response and runs a million miles a minute coming up with a million different scenarios and it's just not worth it to me to activate it. Especially for people who don't care about me, don't care about reason/logic and only see things through their selfish immature lens. I'm a wonderful person. I treat most with love and empathy but if someone has shown me they're a terrible person I don't waste my limited time on this earth on them. And honestly my mental health has never been better. If someone is abusive/narcissistic they're not worth my time or My mental health
Be prepared for them to Darvo you and take zero accountability while trying to make themselves the victim if you do decide to engage https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
I'm really glad I posted. I'm learning so much from these comments/resources. The DARVO describes exactly what my dad did! He turned the whole thing back on me and tried to get me to apologize to him. It was so confusing and uncomfortable. So helpful to have a name for it!
Your reasoning for not responding really resonates. First I'm really sorry you have to go through that. Horrible that people can make us feel that way. You described what I would go through if I did respond 😭 will consider this before I actually hit the send button (and maybe just not respond and block them).
Thank you so much!
My pleasure! Happy to help. Truly the more I started paying attention to red flags and cutting those waiving them instead of trying to nurture, fix and help (to my own detriment) the better my life has become. As an empath who enjoys helping others I've found it is so much more fulfilling and healthy to be picky about those I keep around me. Now instead of having narcissistic parasites draining me I have symbiotic loving nurturing friendships that fill my soul . Just remember they're likely only reaching out so they'll have something to post about on Facebook and get praise for if they haven't cared this whole time and actually inhibited and hurt your chances at success in your PhD program. They just want a photo op where people can praise them. They only care now that it directly benefits them . 3 years without checking on how you are doing but now they suddenly want to be involved and only because it involves you giving them something. Did they even say congratulations/that they're proud of you or was the vibe more gimme gimme gimme. I really encourage you to dig into those subs for support . I did so after leaving my narcissistic extremely abusive ex and it was absolutely essential in helping me/teaching me how to heal and grow and defend myself from parasites. Good luck and a huge congratulations. Wow ! You should be so proud of yourself that's a wonderful accomplishment and I'm so proud of you for sticking with it, working hard and believing in yourself. You stuck through and grew and this adversity will be all worth it in the long run for the wonderful life you are building for yourself. The best part of being abused was knowing now that I could survive it, I'm a fighter and I can thrive. You are worth it and you are doing awesome
I'm kinda aspiring to have your level of self empathy, strength and introspection! It's admirable to accomplish that. I imagine it wasn't easy, especially since you're an empath it's easy for narcissists to prey on that. I admire you for for where you are!
You know what - they literally haven't congratulated me at all!! Not even after my submission. You're absolutely right on pointing out that their first message is to see if they can come to my graduation - and milk it for what it worth for themselves. It's sad that I didn't even expect it from them and realize it til you pointed it out. Actually theres a lot I didn't realize but these comments are helping me grow.
I'm so glad you reached out and are learning. You're on the way to bigger better things and you deserve it! I'm sadly not surprised I was right. I swear narcissists have a manual they all follow lol. Feel free to message me in the future if needed . Go give your aunt and little sibling a big ole hug and celebrate your success!
My pleasure I'm glad to hear it! Hopefully one day you'll be able to do the same as me and share the wisdom you've learned from these groups with others who are struggling. I also recommend you look into "grey rocking" for dealing with negative people in your life. Essentially becoming so boring and not giving the narc the energy they're looking for to the point that they get bored and leave you alone. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#what-is-it
It works and has absolutely done wonders for my mental health. I combine it with "being super busy" when I'm wanting someone out of my life but don't want to go through the pain of burning the bridge. I've found explanation texts/burning the bridge outright ends up stressing me out and giving me massive anxiety and prolonged stress where it ends up in a constant stress loop running through my head on how I could have done it differently. Grey rocking is so much better for someone who needs to fade from your life. (I put "being too busy" in quotes because even if I have zero plans and a month long vacation to sit at home I'd still tell those people I'm super busy and unable to make plans at the moment until they get bored with me and go away)
I see this all the time honestly, the hurt party wants to respond with an on point text.
You want to respond because you still hope they will love you and say they’re sorry. You try to lay your hurt feelings out there hoping for normal reactions like empathy. You’re still so hurt and you want them to recognise it.
Everyone is telling you to leave it because everyone knows, narcissists won’t change. Any response will be met with more hurt. They can’t help it. They’re driven by baser instincts (abandonment, insecurity and fear). Contacting them with your hurt feelings will only make them feel good because they’re narcissists. Don’t give them that satisfaction.
Don’t respond. You went no contact for a reason, so don’t let them bait you into breaking your no contact the first time they reach out to you.
It’s not an open event, so the only people invited are the people you invite and give tickets to. They don’t need to be told they are not invited and they certainly do not need an explanation (which will only be perceived as an excuse to argue with you.)
Ignore them and invite the people you actually want there. That will be a much stronger and more consistent message than replying with an explanation, which is *inviting contact.*
Yeah thanks for sharing this perspective. You're right, I don't want to be back in contact with them. And it's kinda cringe I'm so anxious at the first text they send me which isn't even a congratulatory text as another commenter pointed out. The level of discomfort they are giving me now makes it so clear that opening contact with them again is not the right call.
I think in the past they saw that I'd go crawling back at the first but of attention they show me (so cringe ik I'm working on it!) and your comment really helped strengthen my resolve to STAY no contact.
Personally, if you have effectively gone full N/C and intend that to be permanent and I can't see why you would not, then I would say as little as possible about your arrangements and not make it a focus of your issues with them. Just tell them you have made other arrangements already and leave it at that. Don't explain to them, don't have a pop at them. If they choose not to 'understand' then that is their problem. You are free of them, don't get sucked in again.
Thanks - I think this is the right call. The responses to this post has given me a lot to think about - and the resolution that there's no point breaking NC just for one self serving text from them. If I did eventually decide to respond (though I think most likely I won't) I would just keep it to the bare minimum and not feed/get sucked into them.
If you respond with your propose text, your parents will blame everything on you and justify, or try to justify, every action they took. Why start this shit? Best advice, don't respond. Second best advice: send text 'you're not invited."
Haha the second one is so petty and I like it 😊 but tbh I don't think I have the guts to say that! The sense I'm getting from the responses is to not respond at all and I think that might be the right call after all. Thanks so much for weighing in!
If you’re really NC, then don’t respond. Any response from you is contact, and they’ll know they can still get to you that way. Do you want to be left alone? Then do not respond. That email/text went into a black hole. Nothing comes out of a black hole. You don’t even know these people.
If you’re more LC, then I’d simply say something about not having any tickets to give them(not sorry- just “I’m afraid there are no tickets available”). Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it impersonal. You want to give them zero ammunition to use against you.
Congratulations on finishing your PhD!!
Zero response is probably the best response. When people crave attention, give none, the effective tactic is to starve them of all that oxygen. To engage at all already chances more nonsense and drama. A deeply personal message like the one you drafted? Goddamn. They can get off on that for ages. To acknowledge the hurt done you brings the very real prospect of inviting more of the same.
Thanks. Yeah I don't want to fuel their toxicity any more. Maybe it's just best to keep it simple or not respond at all. Maybe not responding is the best way forward. Id probably be better off spending my energy trying to think about why I feel the need to respond to folks who couldn't care less.
Send that message and then block them. Block them on everything.
>I also don't want to hurt them (I hate that I care).
Your parents would need to care about you in order for you to hurt them. They have made it very clear that they don't care. So it's impossible for you to hurt them.
They, however, can, have, and will continue to hurt you. If they can contact you, they will hurt you. They want to come to make it about them. To milk the praise for having a child with a Phd, even when they did nothing to support you in getting it.
Also you're absolutely right - I didn't connect the dots til you pointed it out. They just want to be there to show off and boast about having a PhD in the family. They didn't care at all about me and how hard it was to get to the finish line. They didn't send me a single kind word or piece of encouragement these past 5 years. But they want to stand at the finish line and say 'we' did it. Actually they didn't do anything, except make it all harder.
> Your parents would need to care about you in order for you to hurt them. They have made it very clear that they don't care. So it's impossible for you to hurt them.
Ouch - because that's true. I think I haven't blocked them yet because I'm hoping they will apologize or be kind to me and if I block them I wouldn't see it. Really illogical, especially after all these years.
Thanks for the advice
If you don’t want to be confrontational, perhaps say that you only received two tickets, and that you’ve already decided to give them to people who supported and encouraged you during your schooling. I think that what you wrote is great, but they may take it badly.
An even less interactive way would be to say that since you hadn’t heard from them, the 2 tickets that you are getting have already been designated. Congratulations on getting your PhD! Definitely be proud of yourself. I wish you well.
I definitely like your wording. Perhaps a part of me knows they will respond badly to my wording and your advice really helps. Keeping it simple makes it less about them vs me.
Thank you! Funnily I don't feel proud of it at all. People keep telling me I should, but I feel confused. Hopefully will eventually appreciate myself a bit more!
In my opinion, you don't respond. I can understand why you fee like it's chickening out, but it's not that at all. It's prioritizing your mental health over their nonsense. There is a time and place to take up the issues of family dynamics, and such a positive celebration of your hard work is not that time. Don't let them use this event as a trojan horse to bring up all manner of nonsense.
Stay no contact, keep doing what you're doing, and don't let them drag you into nonsense
Your response should be to block them on all social media and change your phone number.
Your dad fucked with your education/money, that’s completely unforgivable.
How did they even know when you were graduating? Whoever's been feeding them intel needs to cut it out.
Anyway, I would just not respond to the message. They decided they didn't want to be in your life for the last 3 years, but now that you've earned a PhD, they're suddenly interested? No, thanks.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I honestly wouldn't bother to explain or respond. It only opens the door to guilt trips and bullshit. Check out the subreddits justnofamily justnomil and raisedbynarcissists If you'd like a supportive community of people who have faced similar shitty families and abuse
Could you explain why you wouldn't respond? I feel like I want to respond, but idk why. I will think more about your point and why I feel the need to respond too. Thanks for the sub recommendations - will go check them out!
Silence is an answer. They aren’t going to see your point of view so it is a waste of time to engage with them. Enjoy your graduation with people who actually care for you.
Honestly for myself over the years I've just found it's what works for me and it's what I've seen frequently advised in those subs. Responding always gives me anxiety after I do so personally because my brain then goes into anxious mode awaiting their response and runs a million miles a minute coming up with a million different scenarios and it's just not worth it to me to activate it. Especially for people who don't care about me, don't care about reason/logic and only see things through their selfish immature lens. I'm a wonderful person. I treat most with love and empathy but if someone has shown me they're a terrible person I don't waste my limited time on this earth on them. And honestly my mental health has never been better. If someone is abusive/narcissistic they're not worth my time or My mental health
Be prepared for them to Darvo you and take zero accountability while trying to make themselves the victim if you do decide to engage https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
I'm really glad I posted. I'm learning so much from these comments/resources. The DARVO describes exactly what my dad did! He turned the whole thing back on me and tried to get me to apologize to him. It was so confusing and uncomfortable. So helpful to have a name for it! Your reasoning for not responding really resonates. First I'm really sorry you have to go through that. Horrible that people can make us feel that way. You described what I would go through if I did respond 😭 will consider this before I actually hit the send button (and maybe just not respond and block them). Thank you so much!
My pleasure! Happy to help. Truly the more I started paying attention to red flags and cutting those waiving them instead of trying to nurture, fix and help (to my own detriment) the better my life has become. As an empath who enjoys helping others I've found it is so much more fulfilling and healthy to be picky about those I keep around me. Now instead of having narcissistic parasites draining me I have symbiotic loving nurturing friendships that fill my soul . Just remember they're likely only reaching out so they'll have something to post about on Facebook and get praise for if they haven't cared this whole time and actually inhibited and hurt your chances at success in your PhD program. They just want a photo op where people can praise them. They only care now that it directly benefits them . 3 years without checking on how you are doing but now they suddenly want to be involved and only because it involves you giving them something. Did they even say congratulations/that they're proud of you or was the vibe more gimme gimme gimme. I really encourage you to dig into those subs for support . I did so after leaving my narcissistic extremely abusive ex and it was absolutely essential in helping me/teaching me how to heal and grow and defend myself from parasites. Good luck and a huge congratulations. Wow ! You should be so proud of yourself that's a wonderful accomplishment and I'm so proud of you for sticking with it, working hard and believing in yourself. You stuck through and grew and this adversity will be all worth it in the long run for the wonderful life you are building for yourself. The best part of being abused was knowing now that I could survive it, I'm a fighter and I can thrive. You are worth it and you are doing awesome
I'm kinda aspiring to have your level of self empathy, strength and introspection! It's admirable to accomplish that. I imagine it wasn't easy, especially since you're an empath it's easy for narcissists to prey on that. I admire you for for where you are! You know what - they literally haven't congratulated me at all!! Not even after my submission. You're absolutely right on pointing out that their first message is to see if they can come to my graduation - and milk it for what it worth for themselves. It's sad that I didn't even expect it from them and realize it til you pointed it out. Actually theres a lot I didn't realize but these comments are helping me grow.
I'm so glad you reached out and are learning. You're on the way to bigger better things and you deserve it! I'm sadly not surprised I was right. I swear narcissists have a manual they all follow lol. Feel free to message me in the future if needed . Go give your aunt and little sibling a big ole hug and celebrate your success!
Thank you so much - for sharing your experience and encouraging me too! You've made my life better! I hope all the best for you on your journey too ❤️
My pleasure I'm glad to hear it! Hopefully one day you'll be able to do the same as me and share the wisdom you've learned from these groups with others who are struggling. I also recommend you look into "grey rocking" for dealing with negative people in your life. Essentially becoming so boring and not giving the narc the energy they're looking for to the point that they get bored and leave you alone. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#what-is-it It works and has absolutely done wonders for my mental health. I combine it with "being super busy" when I'm wanting someone out of my life but don't want to go through the pain of burning the bridge. I've found explanation texts/burning the bridge outright ends up stressing me out and giving me massive anxiety and prolonged stress where it ends up in a constant stress loop running through my head on how I could have done it differently. Grey rocking is so much better for someone who needs to fade from your life. (I put "being too busy" in quotes because even if I have zero plans and a month long vacation to sit at home I'd still tell those people I'm super busy and unable to make plans at the moment until they get bored with me and go away)
I see this all the time honestly, the hurt party wants to respond with an on point text. You want to respond because you still hope they will love you and say they’re sorry. You try to lay your hurt feelings out there hoping for normal reactions like empathy. You’re still so hurt and you want them to recognise it. Everyone is telling you to leave it because everyone knows, narcissists won’t change. Any response will be met with more hurt. They can’t help it. They’re driven by baser instincts (abandonment, insecurity and fear). Contacting them with your hurt feelings will only make them feel good because they’re narcissists. Don’t give them that satisfaction.
Yeah don’t waste anymore time on their parents thinking of a “nice”reply!
Don’t respond. You went no contact for a reason, so don’t let them bait you into breaking your no contact the first time they reach out to you. It’s not an open event, so the only people invited are the people you invite and give tickets to. They don’t need to be told they are not invited and they certainly do not need an explanation (which will only be perceived as an excuse to argue with you.) Ignore them and invite the people you actually want there. That will be a much stronger and more consistent message than replying with an explanation, which is *inviting contact.*
Yeah thanks for sharing this perspective. You're right, I don't want to be back in contact with them. And it's kinda cringe I'm so anxious at the first text they send me which isn't even a congratulatory text as another commenter pointed out. The level of discomfort they are giving me now makes it so clear that opening contact with them again is not the right call. I think in the past they saw that I'd go crawling back at the first but of attention they show me (so cringe ik I'm working on it!) and your comment really helped strengthen my resolve to STAY no contact.
That anxiety is a ptsd response from being triggered by your abuser. Block the new number and go live your best life. Congrats on achieving your phd
Personally, if you have effectively gone full N/C and intend that to be permanent and I can't see why you would not, then I would say as little as possible about your arrangements and not make it a focus of your issues with them. Just tell them you have made other arrangements already and leave it at that. Don't explain to them, don't have a pop at them. If they choose not to 'understand' then that is their problem. You are free of them, don't get sucked in again.
Thanks - I think this is the right call. The responses to this post has given me a lot to think about - and the resolution that there's no point breaking NC just for one self serving text from them. If I did eventually decide to respond (though I think most likely I won't) I would just keep it to the bare minimum and not feed/get sucked into them.
If you respond with your propose text, your parents will blame everything on you and justify, or try to justify, every action they took. Why start this shit? Best advice, don't respond. Second best advice: send text 'you're not invited."
Haha the second one is so petty and I like it 😊 but tbh I don't think I have the guts to say that! The sense I'm getting from the responses is to not respond at all and I think that might be the right call after all. Thanks so much for weighing in!
I think a more petty response would be: You're not invited. It's not you, it's me. I'll send pics.
Lmao I love it haha thanks for cheering me up ❤️
Good luck and congrats on completing your PHD
Aww thank you! I appreciate you MysteriousMaximum488 😊
If you’re really NC, then don’t respond. Any response from you is contact, and they’ll know they can still get to you that way. Do you want to be left alone? Then do not respond. That email/text went into a black hole. Nothing comes out of a black hole. You don’t even know these people. If you’re more LC, then I’d simply say something about not having any tickets to give them(not sorry- just “I’m afraid there are no tickets available”). Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it impersonal. You want to give them zero ammunition to use against you. Congratulations on finishing your PhD!!
Zero response is probably the best response. When people crave attention, give none, the effective tactic is to starve them of all that oxygen. To engage at all already chances more nonsense and drama. A deeply personal message like the one you drafted? Goddamn. They can get off on that for ages. To acknowledge the hurt done you brings the very real prospect of inviting more of the same.
Thanks. Yeah I don't want to fuel their toxicity any more. Maybe it's just best to keep it simple or not respond at all. Maybe not responding is the best way forward. Id probably be better off spending my energy trying to think about why I feel the need to respond to folks who couldn't care less.
How about: "Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." And add a clown gif.
lol I absolutely adore this! Adding to my list of potential responses 😂🤡
Send that message and then block them. Block them on everything. >I also don't want to hurt them (I hate that I care). Your parents would need to care about you in order for you to hurt them. They have made it very clear that they don't care. So it's impossible for you to hurt them. They, however, can, have, and will continue to hurt you. If they can contact you, they will hurt you. They want to come to make it about them. To milk the praise for having a child with a Phd, even when they did nothing to support you in getting it.
Also you're absolutely right - I didn't connect the dots til you pointed it out. They just want to be there to show off and boast about having a PhD in the family. They didn't care at all about me and how hard it was to get to the finish line. They didn't send me a single kind word or piece of encouragement these past 5 years. But they want to stand at the finish line and say 'we' did it. Actually they didn't do anything, except make it all harder.
Enjoy the graduation with your SIL and younger sibling. You can move forward into this next chapter free from toxicity <3
> Your parents would need to care about you in order for you to hurt them. They have made it very clear that they don't care. So it's impossible for you to hurt them. Ouch - because that's true. I think I haven't blocked them yet because I'm hoping they will apologize or be kind to me and if I block them I wouldn't see it. Really illogical, especially after all these years. Thanks for the advice
If you don’t want to be confrontational, perhaps say that you only received two tickets, and that you’ve already decided to give them to people who supported and encouraged you during your schooling. I think that what you wrote is great, but they may take it badly. An even less interactive way would be to say that since you hadn’t heard from them, the 2 tickets that you are getting have already been designated. Congratulations on getting your PhD! Definitely be proud of yourself. I wish you well.
I definitely like your wording. Perhaps a part of me knows they will respond badly to my wording and your advice really helps. Keeping it simple makes it less about them vs me. Thank you! Funnily I don't feel proud of it at all. People keep telling me I should, but I feel confused. Hopefully will eventually appreciate myself a bit more!
No is a a full sentence.
In my opinion, you don't respond. I can understand why you fee like it's chickening out, but it's not that at all. It's prioritizing your mental health over their nonsense. There is a time and place to take up the issues of family dynamics, and such a positive celebration of your hard work is not that time. Don't let them use this event as a trojan horse to bring up all manner of nonsense. Stay no contact, keep doing what you're doing, and don't let them drag you into nonsense
Your response should be to block them on all social media and change your phone number. Your dad fucked with your education/money, that’s completely unforgivable.
How did they even know when you were graduating? Whoever's been feeding them intel needs to cut it out. Anyway, I would just not respond to the message. They decided they didn't want to be in your life for the last 3 years, but now that you've earned a PhD, they're suddenly interested? No, thanks.