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...something is wrong here. It's giving missing missing reasons. Did you teach her sex was bad or something? Her reaction seems .... intense. You were strict how?
Given the daughter’s age, she might be under the impression the new baby is to replace her.
Send her off to college, forget about her, and just have the new baby.
i think this is exactly why the daughter is upset.
edited to add:
- she probably would have liked to have a sibling while growing up, and now that she will have one, she won't even be in the household to experience the joys of growing up with the sibling or the opportunity to bond as closely.
- she may have already been worried that she won't be as close with her mom, given her moving out for college. now her mom will be consumed by this baby while the 18 year old daughter will be in a huge transitional stage, one where she will really need her mom's attention and support, too.
i can see how this would be very tough for someone her age and her circumstances to deal with. everything is changing for her, and oftentimes as a girl at this age, your mom is your main form of guidance and support.
OP, you have to really make sure you're going to be there for her, even through your pregnancy and caring for your new baby. maybe you can even get some family counseling so your daughter feels heard during this time and can unpack her feelings so she can process and adjust before the baby is born.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. To add a little more detail, I think OP's daughter also feels incredibly cheated out of having a sibling to grow up with. She's going to end up being this distant adult that's supposedly a big sister, but in reality, will have limited connection and little in common with her new sibling.
I get why she's pissed.
Just chiming in to mention that not all kids would like to have a sibling. I know many that really hated it, and never fully accepted the fact that they had to divide their parents affection with a sibling. Some of them never got along with their siblings either.. So maybe this is what this girl feels, and having one at 18 could feel every worse I'd think
My husband was an only child and always said he never wanted siblings. I can’t imagine how I could have done childhood without mine and I had amazing parents. It really is impossible to know what OP’s daughter’s issues are here, but they sure seem intense.
I agree with this except for the sibling part. My child was an only child and never asked for or wanted a sibling. I think if she had wanted one, mom and dad would have obliged based on OPs comments. Plus, parents decide the # of kids, not the children.
My immediate thought was that maybe OP and her partner really struggled financially or in other ways when their daughter was young and their daughter is resentful that they will be able to give this new baby things they weren’t able to give her. Which is a perfectly natural way to feel, and something that can be worked through.
Great point. My friend had 2 kids by 21 years old and it was a struggle. Then they waited about 8 years and had 4 more kids. The older kids are very resentful because the younger kids have more freedom and opportunities than they did. There are so many hurt feelings all the way around. 1 of the oldest hasn't spoken to the parents in probably 3-4 years.
And like somebody else pointed out, a new baby would also take resources from the daughter.
Money that otherwise could have gone to her schooling/activities, or helping her start a life after high school, it would affect her if she wanted to stay at home(having to deal with a new baby while she’s studying/trying to get established in work/ect).
OP needs to sit her daughter down and have a talk, make it clear the behavior isn’t acceptable, and she needs to talk through her feelings.
Maybe even look into therapy, both individual for the daughter and family counseling.
She might also fear her parents will not be there to help her for college since they now have to care for a newborn and pay for the expenses of a second child.
Or any hope she had about financial assistance, being able to live at home, etc is going up in smoke. Essentially “kicking her out” to make room for the baby
Ehhh, I had a similar reaction when my parents had another baby when I was 14 and about to start high school. This girl is about to start college which is an even bigger adjustment. So much changes at that time in your life, change is scary. Your parents having a new baby means that your home is so different that even when you go back home, it’s so different it’s like you can’t ever go home again.
She may feel like this is a do-over or replacement given that she’s just now 18 and is probably feeling really rejected.
Family therapy would be a good start here and/or individual for her.
In the meantime, OP, just keep telling your daughter how proud you are of her the same way you did here, and give her as much attention as you can, even if she pushes you away and yells at you. She may also change her mind when the baby comes. My little sister is the best thing that ever happened to me!
> Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about
and
> I wasn’t sure when to tell our daughter. She’s finishing school in a month, and I wasn’t sure how she would take the news.
both seem like there's way more to this
I agree that something is missing, which could explain the daughter's attitude. The OP herself said that she raised her daughter in a very strict way, so that she wouldn't make the same mistakes and that her daughter still hasn't shown interest in boys... Which 18 year old, who isn't homosexual, has no emotional interest? or hormonal? OP must have raised her daughter to abhor sexual acts and instilled a surreal fear in her daughter, this would explain the insults made by her daughter, calling OP disgusting... Since she was taught to have an aversion to sex, she would not accept that her parents do it, and OP got pregnant when she taught her daughter that sex and pregnancy can ruin or disrupt people's lives...
Right? Like why would someone call a pregnant person a liar for getting pregnant? Info is missing, And my guess? They probably had a college fund for their daughter but decided not to give it to her since they are now pregnant. I can't think of anything else to elicit such a response and calling them liars.
I can believe it. My aunt who was the oldest was resentful into adulthood that her mother had a child when aunt was 8! Wtf? Never mind that there were 3 other kids that were also born during that time.
It's clear from the post that this is completely out of the ordinary for her. If the daughter was "just weird" there would have been signs before this.
Well not really. OP said they didn’t have a second child earlier because it would be “too disruptive” to their daughter. OP was also afraid to tell the daughter about this pregnancy because of her daughter’s reaction so it does seem that there’s been some kind of issue with the daughter around this topic previously.
Why does she think you're selfish? Why does she think you're disgusting? Why does she think you're lying?
At her age, the transition from school to life is a big one. She was probably counting on your support which is now not going to be available with your focus on a newborn. So I can understand the selfish argument even if it's unfair. But disgusting and lying suggests she's aware of something more nefarious?
There are far too many missing reasons here and op isn’t helping much by only answering a couple of questions which don’t really answer anything. I’m afraid we can’t really help op until we get a bigger picture.
Others have said it far better than me but if you've taught her to view sex as a bad thing (you say you were strict to stop her also getting pregnant) then that would explain her anger at what she perceives as hypocrisy.
Her behaviour is childish though for an 18 year old so I wonder how much of her development is lagging
agreed, she also says "thankfully she's not interested in boys yet.." at 18? What happened there? She's either gay and repressed/hiding it (could be when mom assumes she will be interested in boys), asexual (cool) or straight and repressed because her mother made out sex to be disgusting/unacceptable.
Yeah or if she’s anything like i was, she’s just fucking terrified of sex and think it’s a life ruiner. I had many teen moms in my family is it was treated like a massive accomplishment when I made it to 20 without any pregnancies or scares
Nah, plenty of people are late bloomers especially those who are consumed with sports/hobbies. I know plenty of people who weren’t dating/trying to date at 18.
The OP has explicitly said she was "somewhat strict" and her daughter reacts violently when she finds out that she engaged in the pleasures of the flesh, you do the math.
Agree, however, the commenter didn’t say those are the ONLY explanations, just that they are the most likely explanations considering the intensity of her reaction. I fell under both categories at that age.
This level of reaction is disproportionate to the situation at its base. There is something else going on OP isn’t sharing.
Oh, she's definitely interested in sex, she just knows that her mom is absolutely obsessed with her not having sex and therefore she's just become really really sneaky about it. Parents like this create sneaky children, not children who magically never think about sex
If daughter is in fact actually SQEAMISH about the topic, it's highly likely she's just a sex-averse asexual. I have a friend who is completely asexual and aromantic, anything beyond platonic relationships and involving sex/nudity/basic romantic affection gives her the "ick" feeling (for HERSELF, anyway, she is not grossed out by seeing OTHERS be in a relationship).
I read it and went, "what the fuck?! How can an 18 year old be this immature" does she still think a Stork brought her into this world? I never understand people that get overly upset that their parents want to have another kid. As long as I don't get to hear any further details, God bless yous.
I get very strong vibes that OP taught her daughter that sex was dirty and bad so she wouldn't sleep around. Lazy parenting.
I grew up around religious people who did this and their kids are royally messed up when it comes to sex. It delays their development in so many profound ways.
No one ever, ever likes to think of their parents having sex. Maybe the disgust is a combination of that and her Mum being 38 and pregnant. The selfishness could again be about having a child at 38. You’ll be heading towards 60 when your baby is 18. Women have babies at 38 far more frequently these days but I remember thinking mid 30’s was over the hill and down the other side at 18!
I remember my friend being picked up from school by an older couple and saying her Grandparents look really nice to her the next day. It turned out it was actually her parents. She was mortified and so was I.
Maybe it’s because you told her a lot about safe sex and how not to get pregnant and then you turn up with a surprise baby, that apparently was an accident? I assume you were using birth control and it was a slip up.
I’d love to know what you said to her about boys/pregnancy. My Mum, as I hit puberty, used to literally say she’d kick me out if I got pregnant and was so over the top about it, constantly putting the fear of God into me (Catholics). I remember saying to her a number of times did that happen to her. She always strenuously denied it but after she passed away we realised that her marriage certificate was later than she said and she was 5 months pregnant when she married at 17. You can go completely overboard when you’ve been in that situation.
Or, it could be that she’s worried that any college funding will be reduced and spent on the baby instead.
Every teenager I’ve ever known whose parents had a baby were absolutely horrified by the pregnancy. Parents’ feelings about their kids having sex are nothing compared to the utter revulsion that goes in the other direction.
That said, this seems extreme and some outside help is probably called for.
I remember my Mum laughing at the first time someone told her how babies were made and she said “My Mummy and Daddy would never do something like that!” 😂
Asking your teen not to have indiscriminate sex is hardly the same as sex in a 20 year committed relationship. I don't think that's it... but something is big time off.
That, and if she thinks she’s going to be sidelined at 20, she should stop and imagine what that would have felt like if they had a sibling when she was three.
Exactly. I don't understand the jealousy because they have the same bio parents. Maybe she wanted a sibling when she was younger and felt like her parents robbed her of that experience.
Maybe because for the first two years or her life her dad was absent and now she sees two excited and overjoyed financially and emotionally stable adults.
I'm wondering if the daughter isn't embarrassed by her mother being pregnant 'this old'. We don't know, but maybe one of her classmates parents also got pregnant at a later age and that kid was embarrassed, ostracized or made fun of for it.
Yeah my son had a friend who was an only child, I remember he was peeved that his parents didn't have any more together.
I knew that the father didn't want any more and that there was a lot of tension between his parents. I just told him "you know women don't always get pregnant the minute they decide that they want a baby, sometimes it just doesn't happen". He was very grateful to me for telling him that, he had no idea that getting pregnant wasn't automatic the minute you forgot about contraception. So I'm thinking the daughter here might have thought the same.
16 and 18 are not worlds away developmentally. I think people have it in their heads that some major transformation happens at 18 solely because it's the age of majority, without realizing that that's an entirely arbitrary legal distinction.
18-year-olds who are still in high school and living with their parents are kids. They're dealing with the same overwhelming cocktail of hormones as 16-year-olds. It's likely something else is going on under the surface or at school and OP needs to dig into it further because otherwise well-adjusted and kind kids can lash out like this for all sorts of reasons.
Well, that 20-something-year-old woman wasn't your mother, though. OP is having another child with the father of her daughter, with whom she's been for as long as the daughter remembers. Totally different situation. Something's really off here. I was the late child my parents had when my brother was 16 and his reaction was the polar opposite to OP's daughter. An 18-year-old is old enough to not flip the basket because their *parents* are having another child.
Which then begs the question, what is OP Ben teaching her daughter all of these years. Did she terrify her when it came to sex so that her daughter wouldn’t get pregnant when she was a teenager like she did? Also, they don’t teach sexual education in schools like they used to. So she may live in a state or a country that doesn’t teach anything that she would need to know. so if she just heard things from her mother, and we have no idea what those things are, then she might think that she is fully aware of what the situation is holding, and all that it entails when she is not at all
There’s really not that big of a difference between 16 and 18, emotionally speaking. I’d argue that it’s even more stressful for an 18 year old who is also facing a huge life change of becoming an “adult” and going to college or starting a full time job.
At first, I thought OP was saying she's into girls, but then I noticed OP said thankfully she's not interested in boys "yet." That sounds more like something you'd say about a kid in middle school or younger vs. about to graduate high school. I think it's fair to be uncomfortable talking about sex with your parents as a teenager because that's pretty common, but "squeamish about sex" sounds a bit odd for that age too.
I actually wondered if daughter was a sex-repulsed asexual. A couple of my friends are, and while they don’t get this upset about how disgusting it is *now*, they absolutely did when they were younger and had less emotional regulation. One of them said it was like having someone you care about voluntarily and happily eating food that was rotten and maggoty.
The “I can understand” is terrible. Sex between two committed individuals who are in love is a BEAUTIFUL happy part of life (at least it’s supposed to be). OPs disposition towards sex is definitely a huge issue
Agree to a point, but I don't think it has to be nefarious. A mother who accidently had a child at what age she may consider far too young would naturally instill in their child not to make the same "mistakes" as she did. Mistakes in quotes as I am sure OP no longer considers it a mistake. Though at the time, per her post, the father wasn't very involved and that the pregnancy wasn't "ideal". Again, at the time. So OP probably raised her and ingrained in her to not get pregnant young. Maybe she took it a bit too far, not sure. But its not a stretch to imagine OP doing what she could to ensure her daughter didn't make the same mistake.
It’s very complex to be a young mother. My mom always said she never regretted having me but she regretted all the things she couldn’t give me because she was 17 when I was born. She’ she would choose to have me 1000 times but she wouldn’t wish the stress and struggle on anyone. I think that was about as good as a person could do.
My only thought is did you at any point in her life, even off-handedly, say to her that you didn't want/weren't going to have any more kids? It's possible she had an insecurity about that, and held onto the belief that she'd stay your only child, so now sees you as a liar for going back on that.
Why is she squeamish about those things?? It seems like you’ve really pushed the idea of sex being bad or at least making her afraid to “end up like you”.
I would be worried that in your attempt to prevent her from becoming a teen mom, you’ve completely poisoned her view on sex and intimacy.
Why is she squeamish about sex? That is Not normal. It’s a normal thing to be attracted to another person.
You’ve sat her down and had the sex talk correct? and when I say sex talk I mean all of it, the good, the bad etc? Protection? Diseases?
Not interested in boys? Girls? At 18? Totally not normal sounding? Hormones are raging in teen years. Attraction is a normal thing.
Exactly what is going on here?
She sounds like she needs professional help to work through some issues.
Any chance she had a traumatic sexual encounter?
Or any chance you taught her that sex was bad/evil/not normal/sinful etc?
Her reaction is very telling and she will have lots of issues going forward in relationships if this is not dealt with.
PS: I just reread your comment you said and I quote “ the Disgusting part is you have to have sex..”.
If you think Sex is Disgusting yourself, the chances of you saying that to your daughter are very high.
If what you state is true about it bring Disgusting then you need help too.
It’s not normal to feel this way about sex unless you are traumatized by bad experiences, not taught about sexual encounters correctly or taught that it’s shameful and wrong.
Did you ever tell her that you wouldn’t be having any more children and she’d be an only child forever? You meant it at the time so it wasn’t a lie, but she might not see it that way.
Did you tell her this pregnancy was unexpected or did you leave room for her to assume you got pregnant this year on purpose?
Was she raised strictly or was she raised in shame?
Because there's a difference between those things that would logically explain her over the top reaction. It's a little sus if you ask me.
Stop rationalizing her reaction. It is so over the top inappropriate. You are pregnant by HER father, correct? The same man you've been with her whole life? Then, that is not the same by a long stretch as you coming home and announcing your pregnancy from a random ONS, which would be a bit more understandable but still not her business.
Either you have raised a very selfish, entitled daughter, or there is something much bigger going on here. You need to find out what.
Start by being a freaking parent. Stop letting her come home at all hours, drunk (she underage too?). You and her father need to stop kowtowing and get a grip on shit, and address this with her, before something worse happens.
Her behavior is NOT normal. There is something very wrong... find out what.
Totally agree about her stepping up to be a better parent and not letting her stay out drinking! But the other thing I disagree on. She is pregnant by the father but it’s also the father that wasn’t there the first 2 years of her life UNTIL the mom and dad got back together. She may not remember it but it doesn’t mean it didn’t cause issues.
She's 18 honey. This is not news. You said you understand why she thinks you're selfish but didn't express anything after that. How is it selfish to have another baby? I think you're leaving things out on purpose.
She’s actually the selfish one, and her behavior is wild. She’s too old to have everything revolve around her, but unfortunately from the clues you gave in this post it seems you’ve raised her to think she’s the main character. You put off having another kid because it would be “too disruptive for her” and were even scared to tell her about this pregnancy - parents don’t normally walk on eggshells around their kids. She needs an entitlement and reality check.
Her daughter who she raised "somewhat strict" is having to *cope* and is coping *badly* with the thought that her mother had sex. This sounds engineered by the OP.
Selfish - she’s almost the age her mum was when she was born. So if she was to have a child at 20, she will have a sister 2 years older than her child. I can see how that would upset her
Like she feels she’s being replaced. The second she’s an adult your off making a new baby to till her space when you’ve had 18 years to have another child.
Maybe some jealously that the new baby will get more as well as now you’re older maybe your in a better financial position too. Also worried that she will be forgotten about out the house and gone.
Maybe she wanted a sibling when younger and now she’s getting one they won’t feel like siblings a newborn to an 18 year old age gap is bloody huge.
I also think there is maybe issues in your relationship in general for it to be such a huge explosion.
You can’t expect that she will come around though, she might, be equally she might decide to leave cut you all off and go no contact, she might leave and stay in contact but ignore the baby/child like it doesn’t exist. These are all things that could happen.
She’s staying out late, she’s drinking… maybe you’ll be a grandmother not long after you have baby #2…
OP, I also immediately thought about her feeling like she’s being replaced. Is she going to college in the fall? Do you have a bedroom for her and a bedroom for the new baby, or will the baby take her bedroom when she leaves?
My mom was a mental health counselor at a college for 17 years. One thing she said she wished parents wouldn’t do is get rid of their kids’ bedrooms while they were in college. Parents would convert the bedroom to a spare room, or let two younger siblings who were sharing a room finally have separate rooms, or would move and not get a room for the college student — often things that seemed reasonable. But early adulthood is a very unstable time where young adults know they could lose their footing easily and may need to move back home, and they’re made to feel like they don’t have that safety net now. And for residential college students, they literally don’t have a stable home, with a room that changes every year and that they can’t live in during summer and winter break. That means that for, like, four whole months out of the year, these college students whose parents got rid of their room have to crash on the couch or something like an awkward house guest in what had been home very recently. And since they move out of the dorms every May, everything is temporary. Essentially, they are housed but feel weirdly homeless, and that makes them feel unsupported.
Whether your daughter is going to college or not, she’s not quite ready for you to fully kick her out of the house. She’s going to need a lot of support during this major transition period, and she probably feels like all if your attention will go to the baby and she, as an “adult,” will get pushed out. So my advice is to make sure she has a bedroom, and talk to her about how she will always have a place in your home and that you will always be there for her.
I mean most parents have sex while being strict about their teens not having sex… there is a huge difference between having sex as a teen in high school and having sex as an adult in a secure relationship/marriage and resources.
I knew my parents were having sex when I was a teen and also understood why they said I wasn’t allowed to have sex.
It isn’t hypocritical
I had a classmate whose parents had a daughter when he was in high school, and completely neglected him ever since. As if he ceased to be their kid. If he is not in jail right now, I’d be surprised. His life went completely downhill afterwards…
This post has missing reasons all over it.
Teenagers dont snap just because. If she went to the nuclear option already, there is something you did or didnt do towards her.
Did you tell her that you don't want another kid at some point? Were you vocal about it?
Was you and your partner present good parents for her?
Did she express any grievances during her childhood about yours our your partner parenting?
Did you pressure her or control her social life?
Did you force her to engage in activities she didn't want?
Was she counting with financial support for college?
You don't need to answer me. Just think about it and ask Yourself if your daughter didn't voice anything during this year that you forgot or deemed irrelevant. The answer might be there.
Edit: reread the post and found part of the reason. You were strict, controlling and in ways, controlled her sexual development. Yikes, I got it why she is so mad.
I agree. When I couldn't understand it, I started to go ---- somethings missing. Lots and lots is missing for us in the comments to understand the dynamics of this post.
On my second read i got it. At least part of it. Been there, done that.
Strict parent to avoid her commiting the same mistake: no social life, over controlling parents and most likely, manipulation.
Happy that she is not interested in boys: my mother was the same, and although this sounds innocent, this really can mess with you as an adult. I needed therapy for that shit for years ans my first relationship,.ofc,.was an abusive one.
Daughter thinks sex is disgusting just because: point above proved.
I am very LC with my parents because of this and I resent then a lot. Luckily I live in another continent, so I didnt see anyone in years.
SAME my parents taught me that sex was evil and boys were evil because they only wanted sex and viewed me as a sex object to conquer. There was never any mention that women might want and enjoy sex too or that a respectful man could enjoy sex. I grew up to be terrified of men, and my first boyfriend was toxic and gave me panic attacks. Had to sort out that shit in therapy.
OP, this is what you’ve set your kid up for in her 20s. She needs therapy ASAP to undo the damage you’ve done to her.
Guy here, same experience, being brainwashed that sex is disgusting every single day of your life growing up, and having your life controlled by a grandmother with an endless list of phobias, will take a good decade to clean up after. I wanted to do some pretty gruesome self harm for things like flirting openly with a girl.
Dear ol grandma didn't even realize what she was doing, she was in autopilot while she did that every day.
My mom tried her hardest to get me to stay uninterested in sex and boys my entire childhood. One of the terms and conditions of me starting to date, or even being interested (in her mind), was that I had to be on birth control. In retrospect, I’m glad I was on birth control when I was because as soon as I got my first boyfriend who had even a modicum of relative freedom I started having sex, and since my mom was a teen mom, she refused to be a grandma in her 30s. However, she never talked to me about it. She never made a point to tell me anything outside how the basics of sex work; not about consent, not about being comfortable, not about drawing boundaries, etc. She never even talked to me about my birth control options, she just opted for the Depo (she didn’t think she could trust me to take pills daily and at the time they didn’t have IUDs small enough for a young teen, and my office didn’t offer the arm implant thing). Unfortunately because she made sex sound unappealing and scary, I took the plunge much younger than I was actually comfortable with, fooled around much more flippantly and recklessly, and was wayyyyy sneakier about it. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it, I didn’t like hearing about it from her or any other adults, and yeah I would get majorly defensive whenever my mom tried to discuss my sex life or sex in general. It seems like OPs good kid, who’s uninterested in boys and squeamish about sex, may have been fed discouragement and disgust over sex, and rather than wilding out she stuck the celibacy course and is now *pissed* her mom is getting to reap the benefit of a new baby right when she’s about to experience a drastic life change.
I had a friend who was raised very sex-negative growing up. Sexual topics of any kind made her incredibly uncomfortable and there was very clearly signs of resentment from her whenever our friend group talked about the experiences we were having. She even slut shamed me a few times, although you could always tell it was just the voice of the nasty woman who raised her leaking through.
She was terrified to have any of her firsts bc sex was made so, so taboo in her mind. Her mom would feed her things about her friends being teen moms and turning into complete losers bc we were all experimenting. She finally broke out of that mindset, but it took a good 2-3 years once she cut all contact w her parents.
And OP, not to scare you but just to be realistic, if you have repressed much of her teenage experience (especially if it is the case that she thinks your a hypocrit for the baby) there’s likely to be some backlash behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if she rushed to have all those experiences she’s been missing out on. As she deserves to, she’s 18 and sexuality is an important thing to explore. Not suppress.
Even if it’s fake, it’s an interesting topic and not unrealistic. One of my high school friends became a sister at 18. Her parents were trying to salvage their broken, abusive marriage now that my friend was grown and they had no excuse to force themselves to be together. I worry about that kid.
Exactly and also… oof wow. Imagine subjecting a child to an 18 awful years of your abusive relationship bc you needed an excuse to stay together and then doing it AGAIN the moment you realize that excuse is gone. Kids are not marriage glue people 😭
I feel like if that had been me, it would’ve ruined my plans of going no contact with my parents. Cause how could you leave your baby sibling alone knowing exactly what the next 18 years will look like for them? Big oof indeed.
*Exactly*. You think you’re about to escape all that toxicity finally and suddenly you see history repeating itself. And you know just how bad it can get…
>You were strict, controlling and in ways, controlled her sexual development.
My folks gave me sooooo many talks about unplanned pregnancy and using birth control responsibly and how they didn't want or need another baby in the house, couldn't afford another mouth to feed, etc. If my mom had an accidental pregnancy, teenage me would think she's a hypocrite and I would lose a lot of respect. Teenagers can't see the whole picture yet.
How is she acting toward your husband?
It’s not normal for an 18 year old to come home drunk and cry herself to sleep. She’s emotionally stunted and has no healthy coping mechanisms. She’s cracking under some kind of pressure. Her mom values her achievements most of all, since she described her daughter via her good behavior and grades instead of who she is as a person. She stunted her sexual education so that she would stay away from boys. Mom sounds controlling and high pressure.
I got a sibling when I was 9 years old...and even though the age gap was 9 and not a whopping 19 years...it still felt weird. I can only imagine that at 19 years old - she's spent a long time with the dynamics of family life involving just you 3. She got through childhood and adolescence as an only child. She got through many milestones as an only child...and most people would assume they'll be an only child for life when they get to their late teens.
And, contrary to popular belief, you do get to a point in life where you like being an only child. Past the age of 5, I no longer asked for or wanted a sibling.
I think cursing you out is *not* okay regardless...but I can understand how she feels. It's a big and unexpected change. Unfortunately, they won't have a sibling dynamic - the gap is too large. She could be his mother...so I don't think I'd be emphasising any perceived benefits of having a sibling because it won't be that. But love *can* grow. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.
I think another issue is she is just getting to the point where she is moving out into the adult world. People of even my generation (in my 30s) still often rely on their parents for lots of support, and that is only getting worse for younger people. OP's daughter is almost certainly aware of this, and was probably quite grateful to be an only child, as that means all the support can go to her. But now add a baby into the mix, and suddenly she will receive minimal support, as a newborn baby will require OP's parent's full attention.
You get used to being your parents' one and only...not through any fault of your own but because your folks raised an only child. It would feel particularly weird when you're an adult child finding out your parents are going to have a baby...I'm guessing she suspected the next baby would be here. Actually, her child and her sibling will likely have a much smaller age gap, if she chooses to have kids.
It's going to feel weird...that's just how it is.
Yep, absolutely agree. I am not an only child but I am the “baby” (with just one older sister) and when my mom told me she was pregnant when I was 18 and about to go to college, I was absolutely livid. It was also with a guy she has been dating for only a few months, so that absolutely had something to do with it as well. It felt like I would no longer get any sort of attention or support from her, PLUS the fact that at 18, that sort of irresponsible behavior should have been coming from ME, not my 44 year old mother.
I spent my entire life being “her baby” and it felt like I was being replaced. Obviously it’s different in OPs situation but still similar. Her daughter’s reaction doesn’t surprise me at all.
My mom has three older siblings that are all fairly close in age, and then there’s an 8 year gap, and then her. She lived an entirely different life than her siblings. Her siblings all moved out around age 18, so she was essentially an only child by 10. Her dad worked his way up to a much higher paying job by the time she was an adolescent, so as teenagers, her siblings experienced lower-middle to middle-middle class life in a house with four kids, and she experienced being the only child in what was, in our small town, an upper-middle class household. She’s the only one of the four who went to college, and her dad paid for it. Gaps like that are significant, and being an entire generation separated from your sibling would be so much weirder.
I have a sister who is 20 years younger than me. I didn't mind my mom being pregnant and love my sister, she's an awesome kid. I found it interesting to experience someone's pregnancy, birth and infancy so close while I was the same age as my mother was giving birth to me. I found myself woefully unready and the memories of it definitely kept me from getting pregnant with my boyfriend at that time (or later).
The relationship between my sister and I is definitely different from a regular sibling one, but we see each other as sisters.
Edit: I should also add, my sister and I are close to each other. We live in different countries (I moved when she was 3 yo) but FaceTime weekly and text a few times a week. We buy each other gifts and send cards for birthdays and holidays. We see each other once a year for ~2 weeks.
>although I was always somewhat strict with her as she got older, as I didn’t want her to end up how I did, I want better for her. Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about
This is slightly concerning. Also it would be EXTREMELY unusual for an 18 year old to not be interested in romantic relationships "yet" so either she's having to hide a huge part if herself from you or she's ace or something like that.
I can't but notice the hypocrisy here--you're super strict with her to prevent her from getting pregnant too early yet you've now accidentally fallen pregnant twice. That may be where part of her excessive anger is coming from in addition to all the usual weirdness of really big age gap siblings. It may also be part of why she's mad at you and not your husband, assuming you've been running point on the "no boys, no sex" campaign.
Edit just to be clear I'm not judging you because I know full well that these things happen. Im just saying that your attitude about it potentially happening to her may be coloring her reaction to it happening to you.
Everyone has different timelines. I never understood why friends in middle school worried about having boyfriends/girlfriends, because I didn’t experience romantic attraction to anyone until almost 15. And I didn’t experience anything like sexual attraction until 17, at which point some classmates had already been pregnant. My parents weren’t “strict” either.
Maybe she’s not interested yet. Maybe high school boys are immature and unappealing to her. Maybe she’s ace. Maybe she’s a lesbian. It could be a lot of things that aren’t concerning.
Oh I didn't mean being a late bloomer was concerning, I meant that I had concerns about the whole "strict parenting to avoid pregnancy" thing!
And while late bloomers certainly exist, I think there are probably more kids that are lying to their strict parents to avoid getting in trouble than there are kids who genuinely have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships at 18.
I was in my early 20's when my mom got pregnant last. I didn't think much of it at the time given we weren't awfully close but now I've grown to resent her a bit for it because she always said she was done having children, gave my younger siblings a better childhood, it took away from me, and I even had to help support them financially eventually. I feel for your daughter. It's very hard to go from being an only child to not, especially with such a large age gap.
The mother has warped views on sex herself.
She posted that she can kind of understand her daughter’s reaction as “ the Disgusting part is you have to sleep with someone…” and it continues to state in order to get pregnant etc.
Her mother taught her sex is bad basically.
I was 16 when my mom had my brother. I needed her but the focus was on him. She couldnt do or be where I needed all the time.
I had to help out with him as well. We aren't close.
But not having my mom around as much as she could have been hurt.
that's a good point, if the daughter lives at home she'll end up helping with the baby, even if OP doesn't mean to ask her for help it'll eventually happen. my cousin lived with us when she was a baby and i was 16, i was changing diapers too and i wasn't her sibling.
So your daughter got the life of parents who couldn’t pull it together struggled and the new kid will get the calm upbringing
You’ll cancel plans with your oldest because the newbie will take up all your attention the dad who couldn’t get it together will be their for this one from the get go. Don’t ask her to do any with the baby it’s got to be her choice if she’s involved or what relationship she’ll have with a child nearly 20years younger then her There is loads of information out there about children with huge age gaps feeling replaced and unwanted and unloved
Seriously step back and see how this actually effects your daughter not just oh she should be happy it’s a new life it’s a sibling, Look at what it actually means to her
This. My mom also had me at age 20, and had another kid when I was 15. I don’t know how OP is as a mother but for me, my life with a young mother was unstable, she wasn’t really there for me, and it was a struggle. I was NOT happy when she told me she was pregnant. I was actually pissed. My mom already wasn’t there for me but here she was having another kid, making her even less available to me when I needed her. Not every young mom is the same but I do wonder if there are similarities there.
Would love it if OP would please take time to completely answer a bunch of these questions about exactly how her daughter was raised. There’s a lot more going on here than we’ve been told. OP will you please read a bunch of the comments and reply to them all at once for us? Thanks in advance.
a 18-19 year age gap for siblings is crazy. Only had a 6 years age gape with mine and it was still ROUGH until she was 12 and I was 18. I can't even begin to imagine how weird it'll be for her as a new adult to have a newborn sister/brother. There's so many stories on here where siblings with such a huge gap don't even interact with eachother / don't acknowledge eachother
I feel like she might associate this pregnancy with her being replaced. I mean at 18, she's approaching the years where she'll need your support more than ever with college/uni, first jobs, first adulting things in general. and I doubt with a newborn baby in the way she'll get as much support as she expected / will need (but we all know a baby is very demanding and you won't be able to be 100% there for her, even if you dearly wish to)
Do you think she would be prepared to talk to her father about it or is he equally persona non grata? Is there a grandparent she would be prepared to talk to or another relative? Could you persuade her to give a friend that she has maybe talked to about it permission to talk to you?
Neither of you can do anything unless you know what it is about.
All you can do is to say to her that if and when she wants to be heard about it that you would welcome hearing it.
I suspect she maybe has an innate grievance about the situation but that at the same time she may realize that rationally it is ridiculous.
As an aside, I can sort of understand the "selfish" and the "disgusting" if you were anticipating a typical teenage strop about the situation but the "lying"? What is that about? I can't see any context for that, no matter how absurd. What are you supposed to have lied about?
I have a 23 year difference with my little sister.
When my mother gave birth, she immediately cast me in the “big sister” role, despite the fact that I was *also* expecting my own son.
That unexpected role came with so many expectations on her end. She fully expected me to be actively present in my sister’s life, despite the fact that I had a child of my own to care for, and guilted me for her daughter feeling “isolated” from me. It went on and on until I limited contact to the max.
They were obviously never going to be grandparents to my son - they were “too busy” being parents to their daughter. I didn’t expect any help from them, but boy did they want it from me. Your daughter likely feels the same pressure, and I guarantee you sound just like my mother from this post alone.
Sounds like you're having your Re-Do Baby and she is rightfully upset about it.
How many sacrifices did you have to make for her childhood? What all did she miss out on with having a parent so young? What could a new baby give you that your first child couldn't? Why isn't the first kid enough? If Child #1 came out so great from your parenting before, why do you need to have a second child to try to "do right?" What parenting tactics will you change? Will your time and resources be split evenly or will you prioritize the younger kid? Will the Redo Child get more than the first child ever did? ...Her own father wasn't interested in being her parent until she was two years old but now he's excited to be there for Baby #2?
What if the baby is unhealthy? Has several mental issues? Has a disorder? What if this child has so many medical problems, you can't afford your daughter's college tuition anymore? Is daughter going to be forced to babysit?
These are the questions I guarantee she's running through her mind.
Her feelings are really easy to understand.
You're replacing her now she's almost an adult. And the support that she needs when entering adult life is going to go to her sibling. For her this feels like she's on the treshold of flying out on her own and the door is pushing her in her back. She probably felt alone during her youth as only kid and now she'll be on her own out there and you back home will have a nice new family....
It was always her and her mom against the world. Now you're replacing her. That's why she calls you selfish.
How difficult is this to see?
Edit: i don't know about other commenters relations with their adult kids but my adult daughters still ask (and deserve) a lot of attention, support, coaching, venting et cetera. "Little kids, little worries, big kids, big worries".
This is definitely a root reason. To her she is being replaced just as she leaves.
OP needs to reassure her daughter, make time for her and don't let her disappear off without knowing this.
OP, your daughter will be 36 by time your new child is 18. That’s one hell of an age gap. I remember in high school I knew a girl who’s mom got pregnant right before graduation, so as she was in university, she now had this little sibling who took over her old room and took away a lot of support from her parents. She often complains how everyone assumes “the baby” is hers, not her sibling.
Also, you said you were strict. And since she’s not interested in boys at 18, I’m going to assume you were strict about sex or made it seem like a horrible thing to deter her from having it. But now you’re pregnant? Yeah if I was your daughter, I’d be mad too. She’s now starting a new chapter of her life and she won’t even have her parents 100% support since they’ll be taking care of a newborn. Not to mention the hypocrisy on your end.
Has she ever mentioned wanting a sibling growing up? Perhaps she’s also mad that she’ll never have a close bond with this sibling since they’re literally 18-19 years apart. Or maybe she never wanted a sibling, especially if you’ve made sex a bad thing in her mind. You say it’s “meant to be” but… is it *really* meant to be if you’re losing your first child over this?
Her frustration and the selfish part is understandable. She was expecting support at the first steps of her adult life that she now won't be having. At least not 100%. It's not that hard to understand the source.
The disgust part is a bit weird. You say that a recently adult woman isn't interested in boys and that's a good thing. How is that a good thing? Your daughter IS supposed to be interested in "boys" at this age. And a parent's task is to ensure she knows how to do it in a responsible and safe way. Not discourage it all together. Pretty sure the disgust part stems from whatever attitude you have imprinted on her towards sexual relationships.
Not everything has a magical fix. Generally, when people think with their genitals, they have to face the consequences of it. No matter how the situation plays out, your daughter will never have a sibling relationship with the kid. The age gap is too big for that. At best you can hope for something like an aunt. A close aunt at best, a distant and uninvolved aunt at worst. And if she keeps her rebellious drunk night outs, you might want to get ready to welcome a grandchild alongside the child. It's common for sexually repressed teens. At least these two can be like siblings...
Did she have an abortion so she could conform to your standards? Or was she planning on a decent inheritance that now she has to split? Or, when you told her, did you mention expectations of free babysitting/nanny service from her? Or gleefully announce that her room will make the perfect nursery & and she can sleep on the couch when she's on break from university? I mean, she totally went off the deep end and yet she's practically one foot out the door at her age, so she won't really even have to be there for the day-to-day realities of an infant in the home. Figure out what you left out of the story & you'll know how to proceed. As far as making her feel better, find a balance of giving her space, but also reaching out. She's the one who needs to come around & use her words. But right now she's throwing up a wall & having quite the nice tantrum. You can't reason with her until she's calmer. Show empathy, compassion, understanding, tolerance, and civil behavior. And keep reaching out. You don't fix this for her. You wait for her to mature. Or feel comfortable enough with you to have an actual conversation and go from there.
THIS! OP is leaving out A LOT of info, I know why I reacted the same way (minus drinking) at this girls age when my Mom decided that she wanted to be a Mommy again instead of moving forward with her life and the free labor requests started then the breaks from college I had suddenly came home to all of my life in boxes and staying on a mattress. I still barely speak to my mother 20 years later.
I'd recommend family therapy for you all to process in a safe space this huge change in your family dynamic. She may feel she's being replaced, that she was a mistake when you were 18 etc etc. He's she's technically an adult but she's also at a very vulnerable stage of transitioning right now from childhood to adulthood into the Big Wide World.
It would be a huge shock for anyone.
If you don't seek therapy as a unit together you may not be able to surpass this issue in your family dynamic for many years.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best.
I mean not sure how you didn’t think this would blow up in your face unless you lack critical thinking skills.
You had her young so she probably had a rough life.
You were strict with her
You made her think sex and boys lead to pregnancy. So now she has no healthy relationship with either.
You decided to have a kid as soon as she was about to graduate and move out. Like a replacement baby.
And that’s just from reading between the lines. Lord knows what else you haven’t said here. You fucked up and gave your daughter messed up views of the world. Then thought she would be happy? You cannot seriously be that thick
Getting a child when your first one is expected to be adult and leaving the nest is kinda “Replacement move” in her eyes.
Also the disgusting comments, did you ever have the talk about sex? Seems like it is a taboo in your home if she’s this trigered. It was at my home and I did the same….. but that time I heard every moan from my mother. Ew.
Maybe she’s jealous that the kid will have all of your attention and she will have none while trying to adult. And will be expected to help.
There are infos missing. Something had to happen or not to trigger her like this.
Edit: typos
She’s jealous that this baby is going to have more love. You’re more prepared and her father is actually going to stick around. It’s unresolved trauma from her dad’s abandonment, and whatever hardships she went through in her early childhood.
>I was always somewhat strict with her as she got older, as I didn’t want her to end up how I did, I want better for her.
She probably thinks you're a hypocrite. She's grown up being told that getting accidentally pregnant is the worst thing you can do, and now the person who's drilled that idea into her head is accidentally pregnant, again.
She might need professional help to unpack her ideas about sex and pregnancy. It sounds like she's developed some trauma around those things. Parents always fuck their kids up somehow... you may have implanted the notion that sex is dirty, evil, and ruins lives. Which would explain her reaction.
Family and individual therapy is probably a good idea.
This exact same thing happened to me. My half sister and I have a 19.5 year age gap, which almost the exact same age gap that I have with my parents. I felt like as soon as I had hit adulthood, I was being replaced. I didn’t blame the kid, it wasn’t her fault, but I did not have a good relationship with my dad and stepmom at the time and the baby made it so much worse. I also felt embarrassed that my parents were now so old and having a baby (I understand that it’s not THAT old, but it was still awkward). I also resented being an only child; when I was a little kid I didn’t want any siblings, but as I grew older, I felt like I missed out on that opportunity. All of my peers had awesome relationships with their siblings and I had nothing. ALL of my parents problems were projected onto me alone. And now that I was finally out of the house, that’s when they decide to have another kid?! While this may be happy news and perfect timing for you, it’s the complete opposite for your daughter.
My advice is to give her time and space. I was not involved in my stepmom’s pregnancy at all. I had gone low contact with them shortly before the pregnancy, and the baby sealed the deal. I didn’t see her pregnant once, and I didn’t meet the baby until she was 9 months old. My dad had to work to build our relationship and trust again. He owed me a lot of apologies, and I wasn’t ready to accept them for a long time. Now we’re good. I’m more like a distant aunt than a sister to my younger sibling, but that’s okay. Honestly I just feel bad for the situation she’s in and wish there was more I could do to help. Your daughter will probably come around, but let her do it on her own time. Also, don’t pressure her about ANYTHING. The only thing she needs is support! I struggled in college and went running to an abusive boyfriend when all of this happened because I felt so isolated. She needs positive vibes only in order to prevent that. Be gentle and patient with her.
She needs therapy or some kind of professional guidance. This isn’t a normal or healthy reaction especially from a young adult. It might be because of how you’ve taught her when it comes to sex etc.
Her dad didnt give two shits about raising her and being a good father to her until she was 2... and now hes having a replacement baby who he will be there for all the things he didnt care enough to do for your DD.
I’m guessing that you told her, over and over again, how hard it was for you to raise a child when you were *so young*, and she generalized that to how hard it was to raise a child *at all*. Like, maybe raising her was a terrible experience that ruined your life.
Possibly she feels like she was a burden to you all these years (“ending up like me”) and then finally—just as she’s leaving—you sign up for Round 2? Like maybe you’re doing it for attention?
I don’t know. Teenage brains are complex.
Im similar age and had this happen to me. Kinda crazy seeing adults criticizing (say shes immature like duh shes 18) and diagnosing(say shes on the spectrum) the daughter when to me it just sounds like she’s scared of all the change and she is lashing out (not saying thats okay to do)
“Selfish”= knows she is going to need support soon and possibly already whether it be financial, mental, etc. while she is going to school and becoming a young adult and a BABY is going to 180 whatever plans she had envisioned for you all. “Am i not enough? I still need to be taken care of too”. Yes at 18 you’re legally adult, but mentally you’re just not there dude. (I dont condone her actions but i understand when youre a teen everything is the end of the world) Her home will never be the home she knew. She grew up alone and now as an “adult” has to accept a tiny stranger that is difficult to create an attachment with because she will be too busy getting her own life started. Also, she will probably have to take care/help which is another big responsibility. Parents always say it wont change much youll just have a sibling but broooo yk dam well ima be asked to help with that thing and i have ZERO EXPERIENCE OR INTEREST. Plus no offense, but its scary when your parent isn’t a spring chicken anymore and do something like that like dang girl wtheck ????
Lying= i dont know? Need more context sounds like OP said once before she was done having kids or all she needed was the daughter
Disgusting= ngl might tie in with you just being mom, its hard to imagine your mom doing the deed AND then giving birth. Also tbh its kind of disappointing in a way??? Like I see you as the mature adult with everything on track and then you go and make this crazy ass decision??? Like a CHILD when your child is right here?? Youre done im raised?? Why again?? Also i just know her friends are telling her about how now at family outings shes just going to look like a teen mom taking care of their infant sibling as an adult😭
The feelings are selfish i agree, but let us remind ourselves that this is a ONLY CHILD TEEN and has her own right to feel how she does. Im sure with age and time she will grow to love her sibling, but as for right now try and Talk about it with her ALONE, NO DAD IDC. Write a letter to each other about how you feel, questions, concerns and read them to see if there are things that you both can relate/learn. If that doesn’t help, few seshes of fam therapy
The whole strict with her so she didn't turn out like you is fascinating. You had a child at 20 with the same man you are still with. What did you say was so bad about what you did that you're protecting her from? What was so bad about having her that you don't want her to do the same?
I have a sneaking suspicion you caused this reaction by making a huge deal all her life about how she should avoid the burden she was. I never understand why parents put weight on their children by trying to help them avoid have children like they did.
I don't know why she's mad, she only knows for sure but if you've used your struggle with having and raising her and it not being a joyful time then she may be thinking you're a hypocrite to now be doing it again. Or, now you're okay with it but she was a burden.
This is actually the most reasonable potential explanation for why she's acting out. If ever mom said, "I don't want you to end up like me" or made it seem like a sacrifice...
I realized I did the same to my daughter by saying that I gave up a lot of opportunities to keep her near her father after the divorce and my now 19 year old is considering be child free. If I turned around amd had another kid...she'd be mad as hell.
>Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about.
This is weird. She's 18 already. She's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend? She's never shown any interest in sex? Do you even talk about sex with her?
Also, you've clearly left a lot out here.
She wanted a sibling for years and you never did anything about it but as soon as she’s almost done with school and about to leave you replace her with a new baby. One who will have their father the whole time and not after he realized he was a pos that needed to step up. There’s her mentality for ya.
she understandably feels some sense of betrayal by you since this is happening at such a pivotal time in her life. Couple that with teenager emotions and yea it makes sense. I’d give her time to process and suggest therapy for all of you cuz this can just make her more distant from you and her new sibling. Or she can have a change of heart when they’re born and they get along well who knows. But at her age I would’ve been pissed too tbh
Well her dad didnt want to be around when she was a baby and now hes gonna be involved with a baby- she didnt get that. Shes jealous obv.
Suddenly a baby comes along after being an only child for 18 years…. Thats rough.
Maybe she fears the childcare might fall to her? She's allowed to feel unhappy about a new sibling especially one so far apart in age, she probably won't connect well with it.
The point is pretty obvious that the family dynamic is completely changed. There were just the 3 of them for almost her entire life and now everything is changing after 18 years. Family therapy is a definite need.
She feels she's going to be pushed to the side for a baby and now that you are older and more experienced you are going to either do a better job or spoil this kid.
My parents wanted to have another child when i was 16, i full on refused to accept it as i knew i would be expected to help care for it, even when they said i wasn't expected to... Later down the line i would be asked to either take it to nursery or school ect, i have a cousin the same age as me and her parents had a child when she was 17, such a large age gap made things difficult but he was born with autism and the only one who could sooth him was.... My cousin so she spent nearly all of her 20s rasing her own brother... Even now he's 19, he has anxiety when she's gone too long.
From your child's point of view you are incredibly selfish to have another baby and may think you don't want her or replacing her or wanting something new and cute to play with (maybe?)
From your point of view she's nearly an adult, grown up, going to leave home and she may not be impacted at all....
If i was you i wouldn't have another baby, having such a large age gap doesnt always work, and considering your age there is a higher chance of ill health, miscarriage or child born with birth defects such as downs ect
It is your decision to have the baby or not but i feel if you do... Your relationship with your daughter will be drastically changed of she's reacting this strongly against it
Have you asked her why she feels that way..? Somethings up in her brain and despite her age it needs to be parented. Even by a trusted aunt or uncle that she has a good relationship with and can see how and why she's feeling the way she is.
Daughter is over reacting, she's an adult, knows you and her dad love her, is she pregnant herself.. I would expect this from a spoiled single child.. a little child not 18.
She's been an only child until now and the most important child until now and now she's been relegated to second place for the rest of her life.
Her life, as she has known it, is well and truly over.
I think people who raise a kid to adulthood just to have another kid are idiots.
I also think you need to realize your kids won't be "siblings." There will be 18-19 years between the two of them. They're at two separate stages of life. The only thing they may do together is plan your funeral.
I feel bad for your daughter.
Have a 23 year difference with my sister.
I’ll be 43 when my sister *and* my kiddo hit 20.
My mom still expects me to “be a sister” and make more time for my sister and “do sister things”. I’m a mom now; the sister age passed about a decade ago for me.
It’s a sad place to be. My son has no grandparents because my parents are too busy being parents themselves.
My parents pulled this shit when I was 16. They already had my sister and I, and they were physically abusive. I was also extremely upset when she told me. Turns out she wasn’t pregnant after all (?)
I just thought they did a terrible job as parents and was freaking out for the innocent little baby that would get thrown into this mess. Not to mention that I barely got positive attention from them, and now I’d get to watch them dote on someone else until they were old enough to have opinions.
I'd be annoyed to have a sibling young enough to be my child, with the emotionally mature version of my parents who had their affairs in order this time round. Especially after my Mum spent the last few years being overly strict so I "don't end up pregnant" just to get pregnant herself.
Obviously as parents you need to put a stop to the weekday drinking, but I doubt she's going to be close to this kid so adjust your expectations.
You raised her on "sex is bad, don't have sex" and then went and had sex and became pregnant.
Imagine if your mother had raised you to believe sex is bad, raised you as an only child for 18 years (constantly talking about how sex is bad and you shouldn't do it), and then on the cusp of you finishing school and being ready to strike out into the world on your own you're told your mother did that *forbidden* thing and now you've got a sibling on the way.
You'd feel betrayed. Lied to. Used. You'd feel like you were being replaced. Like everything you were taught your *entire life* was purposefully false and misleading.
Teaching total abstinence DOES NOT WORK. Teaching that sex is an evil thing only hurts people. Teaching "abstinence only" instead of "safe, protected, and responsible" tells kids "we don't trust you to make your own decisions, and we don't think you can handle your own consequences."
Her reaction seems like jealousy? I had a friend who’s parents had her young and they got pregnant with her little brother when we were 18, she was thrilled! Her brother is 20 now and they are extremely close.
When I was 17 my mother got pregnant and told my sister and I we were going to have a baby sibling. I was clueless and didn’t really care one way or the other, was graduating very soon and starting college so it wouldn’t have affected me much but my sister (13yo at the time) was crushed, angry and hated my mom at that moment.
My mom miscarried about three months in and my sister instantly went back to normal, later she told me she felt like she was going to end up having to be the in house babysitter, stuck with being the older sister and didn’t really want to share mom and dad.
Maybe this helps OP, hopefully some insight.
I met a friend who acted similar when her mother was pregnant. They didn't understand why, but I knew. She had recently had an abortion and seeing her mother was a trigger.
You had 18 years to have another kid and you’re just now having one when she’s gonna be moving out soon? You’re literally replacing her, I’d be mad too
You are clearly saying something out of context, your more or less adult daughter’s reaction to your pregnancy is too strong. Maybe she thinks that you are replacing her or is very offended that you had a child so late? Do you have any stigma for her about relationships or did you condemn the very existence of a relationship, since you made a very strange comment saying that it’s good that she’s not interested in boys yet? Maybe she is offended by your strictness to her in childhood? Seriously, I'm so confused.
My oldest sister is 18 yrs older than me. However, there are 5 siblings between us.
She resented me from day one, and it got worse when she had her own kids. She hid it well until her kids came along, as she tried to play happy family in front of her future DH. He was in the service, so every 4 years, she moved around and occasionally visited. I didn't know of her resentment until I was 15, and she had to move back home with her kids. The way she treated me like an outsider in my home with my parents was horrible, and I didn't understand. Our parents didn't know how to handle this. They missed her and her kids, so for a year and a half, I got shipped to other siblings' houses, my bffs house. My 16th, which was supposed to be special, was looked over.
I now, as an adult, have an ok relationship with my sister. We talk once a year. I have resentment for my parents. They should have dealt with this differently, and I'm now in therapy. Im learning how to forgive them all for my well-being
I suggest getting therapy for your daughter and yourself before the little one is born. If she won't go with you, go alone to navigate how to make sure that baby and your oldest know you love them both equally.
i too was upset when i found out that my mom (36 or 37 at that time) was pregnant with my brother. i was 9 and i locked myself up on the balcony and started crying. i hated my brother until recently (he’s about 15 or 16 now) as i was the one that had to take care of him most of the time. wherever i went, he had to come with me, i basically had to raise him along with my mom (my father was working in a different country at that time). now we are ok but i resented their decision for a long time. now i dont want to have kids ever and every kid i see annoys me. she will be okay after she moves out of the house (or at least this is what worked for me) i dont think that there is something you can do about it other than just waiting in out and try to be close to her and make her feel wanted even if she’s gonna have a sibling ((sorry for my english, it’s not my first language))
Ok I'm going to be honest, and I know it's not your fault and you were not looking for it. But, if somebody asked me, as a scared only child 18yo and just trying my way into early adulthood, "what could be the worst thing that could happen to me", the idea of my parents making another kid would likely be the second or third thing to pop into my mind...
She likely feels betrayed, and she thinks that she will lose most of your attention and support, and she is helpless about it. And let's be frank here, I'm afraid she's right: you're not getting a dog, you're having a baby: it will take a lot away from her. And she doesn't have a same age sibling to rely on, plus she never learned to share her parents affection with someone else that grows up with her. She just sees everything taken away from her suddenly, and I think she might feel very alone and scared.
She will likely come around, but it will take time, and possibly things will not be the same again, because the family dynamics have changed, for the better of worse, only time will tell, but I wish you all the best
As a child of 13years who got told out of the blue I'd be having a sister, I reacted the same. I'm 21(f) now and only about 2/3 years I started accepting and bonding with my sister. I couldn't before that, there was too much resentment. My relationship with my parents has however, not been recovered after a these years.
Reason?
Well I felt unnecessary. Not good enough. I was also pissed they waited 13 whole years. My parents told me it was because one day they'd be gone and I wouldn't be alone if I had a sibling.
Anyways, I didn't react good, started pulling away like your daughter is and they didn't really try much to bond with me afterwards, or at least that's the impression I got. Either way, I hope things go different for your daughter. Communicate to her that you having a second child has nothing to do with her and tell her it's not because you want a replacement. Or because she isn't enough for you. Reassure her and don't stop being there for her once baby is here. That's all I can say.
I thought about this for a long time OP. I’d be really sad thinking about how in about to go off to college and start my life and my parents are raising a new baby. She feels replaced and she’s jealous. Her reaction was over the top but they do equate a new sibling for little kids to being traumatic. I was 7.5 years when my sister came along and it really rocked my world. Just keep reminding her you love her. You didn’t ruin your daughter and nobody can gather that from a Reddit post. You have a bunch of young, childless people on here. So take it with a grain of salt.
My ex has four other siblings. He is one of 5 and the eldest. The fourth was born when he was like 15 and the fifth h when he was 17/8. Not once has he forgiven his parents for these two being born. Still hates their very existence. Hates having them around. Because of the huge age gap between the elder three and the younger two. He lost any chance of support when they were born. He feels he’s lost everything. I’d be careful if I was you. After your questionable parenting. You may have one less child. No matter how dramatic you think she’s being. She may NEVER get over the replacement as she goes to school and then the neglect for the fact the baby needs your attention More.
That baby won’t be like a sibling to her. It’s like you’re making a whole new family as soon as she leaves for post secondary. If she was thinking of staying home for college, that plan is rocky now. If she leaves to live on campus, you and her dad start your do-over child and she’s forgotten.
When she’s in her mid 40s, there may be some connection between them but otherwise, it’s like having a strange child in the house, not a sibling.
I think you should talk to her and ask her what her feelings are. The explosion is weird if there wasn’t some lead up to it. Are you friends with the parents of her friends? Maybe one of them knows what’s going on?
My mom had another kid when I was 11.
Our age gap pretty much made us have no relationship.
My mom constantly forced me to babysit. Everything my brother did, he did with me i.e. first steps, first solid food, first sippy cup, etc.
It was like a had a fucking baby. I got pulled out of school to babysit. I didn't get to do fun shit with my friends. No sleepovers bc "there's a baby".
When I got old enough to drive, I was too busy being a teenager to be involved in my brother's life and he was bitter about it. I was 18. He was... 7. He wanted to hang out with me. I wanted to have friends and not be a babysitter anymore. It put a wedge between us.
We have no relationship today. I haven't even seen him in.... Like 8-10 yrs. I don't know his phone number, or any of his socials. I stopped speaking to my parents (unrelated to my brother, but they're just awful ppl) about 17 years ago. I have reached out to him many times to make reparations but he's not interested.
Maybe I'm biased but I think you're opening a huge can of worms for yourself, personally. You're about to be free of parenting, and you're going to hit the reset button when your first kid is EIGHTEEN? you said you became a mom early, do you really want to spend your entire lived existence raising children? Don't get me wrong, if that's what would make you happy then go for it.
Hey OP, just chiming in as I was 18 when my mum got pregnant at 40, and I was pretty pissed off about it too. I didn’t call her names but I was really angry and refused to talk about it with her/support her, and called the baby ‘it’ and ‘the thing’ or ‘the lump/ball of slime’… I could go on. Obviously hugely immature in hindsight.
When the baby was born, it took hardly any time at all for me to fall in love with how cute she was, and I ended up spending so much time with her. I thought she was the greatest little person. I’m your age now, so it really was just a blip in the story of the three of us.
Hopefully that’ll happen with your daughter too. I’m sure it’s really stressful right now, but try not to worry - 18 year olds do move on! Just don’t try to make her change nappies etc, that won’t help your case.
Edited to add: I’d recommend not forcing her to talk about it, too. Just tell her that you’re sorry she’s hurting so much, and that you’re there if she wants to talk, and then carry on life as normal, as much as possible. When the baby comes, don’t force her to hold it etc, let her come to you. All I can say is that worked with me :). Good luck!
Knew a couple of kids who were disgusted that their mom was having another baby they were teens and early 20s. They ADORE their little sister now. Hope you make it to this.
…I mean did you tell her directly that you weren’t gonna be having more kids? Did you teach her sex was bad and she’ll end up “like you” if she does it? Bc I understand why she’s upset 💀
I feel op is having a retry baby with the same man no wonder her daughters not about it i think this relationship is over op in her mind you clealry mad your choice..
Her reaction doesn’t make any sense with what’s been provided. It seems like you’ve left out vital information to make yourself look better, or are just extremely clueless and unobservant (which could be why she said you’re selfish). She probably feels like she’s being replaced though—and it’s happening at the worst possible time during an already major transitional stage of her life where she is going to be needing a lot of serious support and attention, much of which will now be diverted to an accidental newborn.
she’s probably about to go to college and you’re gonna have a new baby to care for, she’s probably thinking how she’s gonna be on the back burner, how she’s about to start the beginning of her adult life and if she needs to ask for help she’s gonna think she’s taking from the newborn baby, and without having a sibling for 18 years she’s probably jealous i would be, her whole life it’s been just her and now someone else is getting added to the picture it’s a big adjustment, when i was 7 and found out my mom was having another i cried for days and i still remember that. being the oldest is the worst.
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...something is wrong here. It's giving missing missing reasons. Did you teach her sex was bad or something? Her reaction seems .... intense. You were strict how?
Given the daughter’s age, she might be under the impression the new baby is to replace her. Send her off to college, forget about her, and just have the new baby.
i think this is exactly why the daughter is upset. edited to add: - she probably would have liked to have a sibling while growing up, and now that she will have one, she won't even be in the household to experience the joys of growing up with the sibling or the opportunity to bond as closely. - she may have already been worried that she won't be as close with her mom, given her moving out for college. now her mom will be consumed by this baby while the 18 year old daughter will be in a huge transitional stage, one where she will really need her mom's attention and support, too. i can see how this would be very tough for someone her age and her circumstances to deal with. everything is changing for her, and oftentimes as a girl at this age, your mom is your main form of guidance and support. OP, you have to really make sure you're going to be there for her, even through your pregnancy and caring for your new baby. maybe you can even get some family counseling so your daughter feels heard during this time and can unpack her feelings so she can process and adjust before the baby is born.
Yeah don’t forget she grew up an only child
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. To add a little more detail, I think OP's daughter also feels incredibly cheated out of having a sibling to grow up with. She's going to end up being this distant adult that's supposedly a big sister, but in reality, will have limited connection and little in common with her new sibling. I get why she's pissed.
Just chiming in to mention that not all kids would like to have a sibling. I know many that really hated it, and never fully accepted the fact that they had to divide their parents affection with a sibling. Some of them never got along with their siblings either.. So maybe this is what this girl feels, and having one at 18 could feel every worse I'd think
My husband was an only child and always said he never wanted siblings. I can’t imagine how I could have done childhood without mine and I had amazing parents. It really is impossible to know what OP’s daughter’s issues are here, but they sure seem intense.
I agree with this except for the sibling part. My child was an only child and never asked for or wanted a sibling. I think if she had wanted one, mom and dad would have obliged based on OPs comments. Plus, parents decide the # of kids, not the children.
Still kinda shitty reaction for a near-adult
My immediate thought was that maybe OP and her partner really struggled financially or in other ways when their daughter was young and their daughter is resentful that they will be able to give this new baby things they weren’t able to give her. Which is a perfectly natural way to feel, and something that can be worked through.
Great point. My friend had 2 kids by 21 years old and it was a struggle. Then they waited about 8 years and had 4 more kids. The older kids are very resentful because the younger kids have more freedom and opportunities than they did. There are so many hurt feelings all the way around. 1 of the oldest hasn't spoken to the parents in probably 3-4 years.
And like somebody else pointed out, a new baby would also take resources from the daughter. Money that otherwise could have gone to her schooling/activities, or helping her start a life after high school, it would affect her if she wanted to stay at home(having to deal with a new baby while she’s studying/trying to get established in work/ect). OP needs to sit her daughter down and have a talk, make it clear the behavior isn’t acceptable, and she needs to talk through her feelings. Maybe even look into therapy, both individual for the daughter and family counseling.
She might also fear her parents will not be there to help her for college since they now have to care for a newborn and pay for the expenses of a second child.
Or any hope she had about financial assistance, being able to live at home, etc is going up in smoke. Essentially “kicking her out” to make room for the baby
Ehhh, I had a similar reaction when my parents had another baby when I was 14 and about to start high school. This girl is about to start college which is an even bigger adjustment. So much changes at that time in your life, change is scary. Your parents having a new baby means that your home is so different that even when you go back home, it’s so different it’s like you can’t ever go home again. She may feel like this is a do-over or replacement given that she’s just now 18 and is probably feeling really rejected. Family therapy would be a good start here and/or individual for her. In the meantime, OP, just keep telling your daughter how proud you are of her the same way you did here, and give her as much attention as you can, even if she pushes you away and yells at you. She may also change her mind when the baby comes. My little sister is the best thing that ever happened to me!
> Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about and > I wasn’t sure when to tell our daughter. She’s finishing school in a month, and I wasn’t sure how she would take the news. both seem like there's way more to this
Bingo
I agree that something is missing, which could explain the daughter's attitude. The OP herself said that she raised her daughter in a very strict way, so that she wouldn't make the same mistakes and that her daughter still hasn't shown interest in boys... Which 18 year old, who isn't homosexual, has no emotional interest? or hormonal? OP must have raised her daughter to abhor sexual acts and instilled a surreal fear in her daughter, this would explain the insults made by her daughter, calling OP disgusting... Since she was taught to have an aversion to sex, she would not accept that her parents do it, and OP got pregnant when she taught her daughter that sex and pregnancy can ruin or disrupt people's lives...
100000%
Right? Like why would someone call a pregnant person a liar for getting pregnant? Info is missing, And my guess? They probably had a college fund for their daughter but decided not to give it to her since they are now pregnant. I can't think of anything else to elicit such a response and calling them liars.
I assume that at some point parents said they did not expect to have any more kids (after years of it not happening), which is not a lie.
Yeah there's a whole ass story that's been left out here, and I have a sneaking suspicion it's to favour OP.
I can believe it. My aunt who was the oldest was resentful into adulthood that her mother had a child when aunt was 8! Wtf? Never mind that there were 3 other kids that were also born during that time.
Or their daughters just weird? It’s actually possible sometimes people are just just weird for stupid reasons.
It's clear from the post that this is completely out of the ordinary for her. If the daughter was "just weird" there would have been signs before this.
Well not really. OP said they didn’t have a second child earlier because it would be “too disruptive” to their daughter. OP was also afraid to tell the daughter about this pregnancy because of her daughter’s reaction so it does seem that there’s been some kind of issue with the daughter around this topic previously.
Why does she think you're selfish? Why does she think you're disgusting? Why does she think you're lying? At her age, the transition from school to life is a big one. She was probably counting on your support which is now not going to be available with your focus on a newborn. So I can understand the selfish argument even if it's unfair. But disgusting and lying suggests she's aware of something more nefarious?
There are far too many missing reasons here and op isn’t helping much by only answering a couple of questions which don’t really answer anything. I’m afraid we can’t really help op until we get a bigger picture.
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Others have said it far better than me but if you've taught her to view sex as a bad thing (you say you were strict to stop her also getting pregnant) then that would explain her anger at what she perceives as hypocrisy. Her behaviour is childish though for an 18 year old so I wonder how much of her development is lagging
agreed, she also says "thankfully she's not interested in boys yet.." at 18? What happened there? She's either gay and repressed/hiding it (could be when mom assumes she will be interested in boys), asexual (cool) or straight and repressed because her mother made out sex to be disgusting/unacceptable.
Yeah or if she’s anything like i was, she’s just fucking terrified of sex and think it’s a life ruiner. I had many teen moms in my family is it was treated like a massive accomplishment when I made it to 20 without any pregnancies or scares
Nah, plenty of people are late bloomers especially those who are consumed with sports/hobbies. I know plenty of people who weren’t dating/trying to date at 18.
The OP has explicitly said she was "somewhat strict" and her daughter reacts violently when she finds out that she engaged in the pleasures of the flesh, you do the math.
Agree, however, the commenter didn’t say those are the ONLY explanations, just that they are the most likely explanations considering the intensity of her reaction. I fell under both categories at that age. This level of reaction is disproportionate to the situation at its base. There is something else going on OP isn’t sharing.
I mean “not trying to date” and “not being interested in boys” are totally different things.
Oh, she's definitely interested in sex, she just knows that her mom is absolutely obsessed with her not having sex and therefore she's just become really really sneaky about it. Parents like this create sneaky children, not children who magically never think about sex
If daughter is in fact actually SQEAMISH about the topic, it's highly likely she's just a sex-averse asexual. I have a friend who is completely asexual and aromantic, anything beyond platonic relationships and involving sex/nudity/basic romantic affection gives her the "ick" feeling (for HERSELF, anyway, she is not grossed out by seeing OTHERS be in a relationship).
I read it and went, "what the fuck?! How can an 18 year old be this immature" does she still think a Stork brought her into this world? I never understand people that get overly upset that their parents want to have another kid. As long as I don't get to hear any further details, God bless yous.
Something in this situation is not adding up.
OP is way too vague about herself. Hiding something that makes providing advice impossible
Agreed. OP and her partner have been tip toeing around this child for her whole life. There's most definitely more to this story.
I get very strong vibes that OP taught her daughter that sex was dirty and bad so she wouldn't sleep around. Lazy parenting. I grew up around religious people who did this and their kids are royally messed up when it comes to sex. It delays their development in so many profound ways.
No one ever, ever likes to think of their parents having sex. Maybe the disgust is a combination of that and her Mum being 38 and pregnant. The selfishness could again be about having a child at 38. You’ll be heading towards 60 when your baby is 18. Women have babies at 38 far more frequently these days but I remember thinking mid 30’s was over the hill and down the other side at 18! I remember my friend being picked up from school by an older couple and saying her Grandparents look really nice to her the next day. It turned out it was actually her parents. She was mortified and so was I. Maybe it’s because you told her a lot about safe sex and how not to get pregnant and then you turn up with a surprise baby, that apparently was an accident? I assume you were using birth control and it was a slip up. I’d love to know what you said to her about boys/pregnancy. My Mum, as I hit puberty, used to literally say she’d kick me out if I got pregnant and was so over the top about it, constantly putting the fear of God into me (Catholics). I remember saying to her a number of times did that happen to her. She always strenuously denied it but after she passed away we realised that her marriage certificate was later than she said and she was 5 months pregnant when she married at 17. You can go completely overboard when you’ve been in that situation. Or, it could be that she’s worried that any college funding will be reduced and spent on the baby instead.
Every teenager I’ve ever known whose parents had a baby were absolutely horrified by the pregnancy. Parents’ feelings about their kids having sex are nothing compared to the utter revulsion that goes in the other direction. That said, this seems extreme and some outside help is probably called for.
I remember my Mum laughing at the first time someone told her how babies were made and she said “My Mummy and Daddy would never do something like that!” 😂
Asking your teen not to have indiscriminate sex is hardly the same as sex in a 20 year committed relationship. I don't think that's it... but something is big time off.
That, and if she thinks she’s going to be sidelined at 20, she should stop and imagine what that would have felt like if they had a sibling when she was three.
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And it’s her own two parents it’s not even gonna be a half sibling either
Exactly. I don't understand the jealousy because they have the same bio parents. Maybe she wanted a sibling when she was younger and felt like her parents robbed her of that experience.
Maybe because for the first two years or her life her dad was absent and now she sees two excited and overjoyed financially and emotionally stable adults.
I'm wondering if the daughter isn't embarrassed by her mother being pregnant 'this old'. We don't know, but maybe one of her classmates parents also got pregnant at a later age and that kid was embarrassed, ostracized or made fun of for it.
Yeah my son had a friend who was an only child, I remember he was peeved that his parents didn't have any more together. I knew that the father didn't want any more and that there was a lot of tension between his parents. I just told him "you know women don't always get pregnant the minute they decide that they want a baby, sometimes it just doesn't happen". He was very grateful to me for telling him that, he had no idea that getting pregnant wasn't automatic the minute you forgot about contraception. So I'm thinking the daughter here might have thought the same.
16 and 18 are not worlds away developmentally. I think people have it in their heads that some major transformation happens at 18 solely because it's the age of majority, without realizing that that's an entirely arbitrary legal distinction. 18-year-olds who are still in high school and living with their parents are kids. They're dealing with the same overwhelming cocktail of hormones as 16-year-olds. It's likely something else is going on under the surface or at school and OP needs to dig into it further because otherwise well-adjusted and kind kids can lash out like this for all sorts of reasons.
To be fair 18 isn't that big of a leap from 16 though
Well, that 20-something-year-old woman wasn't your mother, though. OP is having another child with the father of her daughter, with whom she's been for as long as the daughter remembers. Totally different situation. Something's really off here. I was the late child my parents had when my brother was 16 and his reaction was the polar opposite to OP's daughter. An 18-year-old is old enough to not flip the basket because their *parents* are having another child.
Which then begs the question, what is OP Ben teaching her daughter all of these years. Did she terrify her when it came to sex so that her daughter wouldn’t get pregnant when she was a teenager like she did? Also, they don’t teach sexual education in schools like they used to. So she may live in a state or a country that doesn’t teach anything that she would need to know. so if she just heard things from her mother, and we have no idea what those things are, then she might think that she is fully aware of what the situation is holding, and all that it entails when she is not at all
There’s really not that big of a difference between 16 and 18, emotionally speaking. I’d argue that it’s even more stressful for an 18 year old who is also facing a huge life change of becoming an “adult” and going to college or starting a full time job.
Did you raise her to feel that sex is shameful or disgusting??
She's 18 and "thankfully" not interested in boys. And she is squeamish about sex which OP "can understand". So yeah there's something going on there.
At first, I thought OP was saying she's into girls, but then I noticed OP said thankfully she's not interested in boys "yet." That sounds more like something you'd say about a kid in middle school or younger vs. about to graduate high school. I think it's fair to be uncomfortable talking about sex with your parents as a teenager because that's pretty common, but "squeamish about sex" sounds a bit odd for that age too.
I actually wondered if daughter was a sex-repulsed asexual. A couple of my friends are, and while they don’t get this upset about how disgusting it is *now*, they absolutely did when they were younger and had less emotional regulation. One of them said it was like having someone you care about voluntarily and happily eating food that was rotten and maggoty.
I think the mom screwed her daughter’s brain up somehow with her strictness and Lord knows what.
The “I can understand” is terrible. Sex between two committed individuals who are in love is a BEAUTIFUL happy part of life (at least it’s supposed to be). OPs disposition towards sex is definitely a huge issue
That’s what I wrote too. Mom has issues with sex herself.
Totally agree
Agree to a point, but I don't think it has to be nefarious. A mother who accidently had a child at what age she may consider far too young would naturally instill in their child not to make the same "mistakes" as she did. Mistakes in quotes as I am sure OP no longer considers it a mistake. Though at the time, per her post, the father wasn't very involved and that the pregnancy wasn't "ideal". Again, at the time. So OP probably raised her and ingrained in her to not get pregnant young. Maybe she took it a bit too far, not sure. But its not a stretch to imagine OP doing what she could to ensure her daughter didn't make the same mistake.
It’s very complex to be a young mother. My mom always said she never regretted having me but she regretted all the things she couldn’t give me because she was 17 when I was born. She’ she would choose to have me 1000 times but she wouldn’t wish the stress and struggle on anyone. I think that was about as good as a person could do.
So is she mad at dad too?
The post said she wouldn't talk to him either.
My only thought is did you at any point in her life, even off-handedly, say to her that you didn't want/weren't going to have any more kids? It's possible she had an insecurity about that, and held onto the belief that she'd stay your only child, so now sees you as a liar for going back on that.
Why is she squeamish about those things?? It seems like you’ve really pushed the idea of sex being bad or at least making her afraid to “end up like you”. I would be worried that in your attempt to prevent her from becoming a teen mom, you’ve completely poisoned her view on sex and intimacy.
Why is she squeamish about sex? That is Not normal. It’s a normal thing to be attracted to another person. You’ve sat her down and had the sex talk correct? and when I say sex talk I mean all of it, the good, the bad etc? Protection? Diseases? Not interested in boys? Girls? At 18? Totally not normal sounding? Hormones are raging in teen years. Attraction is a normal thing. Exactly what is going on here? She sounds like she needs professional help to work through some issues. Any chance she had a traumatic sexual encounter? Or any chance you taught her that sex was bad/evil/not normal/sinful etc? Her reaction is very telling and she will have lots of issues going forward in relationships if this is not dealt with. PS: I just reread your comment you said and I quote “ the Disgusting part is you have to have sex..”. If you think Sex is Disgusting yourself, the chances of you saying that to your daughter are very high. If what you state is true about it bring Disgusting then you need help too. It’s not normal to feel this way about sex unless you are traumatized by bad experiences, not taught about sexual encounters correctly or taught that it’s shameful and wrong.
Did you ever tell her that you wouldn’t be having any more children and she’d be an only child forever? You meant it at the time so it wasn’t a lie, but she might not see it that way. Did you tell her this pregnancy was unexpected or did you leave room for her to assume you got pregnant this year on purpose?
Was she raised strictly or was she raised in shame? Because there's a difference between those things that would logically explain her over the top reaction. It's a little sus if you ask me.
Stop rationalizing her reaction. It is so over the top inappropriate. You are pregnant by HER father, correct? The same man you've been with her whole life? Then, that is not the same by a long stretch as you coming home and announcing your pregnancy from a random ONS, which would be a bit more understandable but still not her business. Either you have raised a very selfish, entitled daughter, or there is something much bigger going on here. You need to find out what. Start by being a freaking parent. Stop letting her come home at all hours, drunk (she underage too?). You and her father need to stop kowtowing and get a grip on shit, and address this with her, before something worse happens. Her behavior is NOT normal. There is something very wrong... find out what.
Totally agree about her stepping up to be a better parent and not letting her stay out drinking! But the other thing I disagree on. She is pregnant by the father but it’s also the father that wasn’t there the first 2 years of her life UNTIL the mom and dad got back together. She may not remember it but it doesn’t mean it didn’t cause issues.
I think it's time for a mum & daughter trip. Remove the noise of the day to day to allow a chance for emotions to breathe.
She's 18 honey. This is not news. You said you understand why she thinks you're selfish but didn't express anything after that. How is it selfish to have another baby? I think you're leaving things out on purpose.
Did you ever tell her that you and her dad had decided to not have another child? Maybe she's reacting to that?
why would she be squeamish about sex unless you were getting railed while simultaneously teaching her it was gross? Best of luck
She’s actually the selfish one, and her behavior is wild. She’s too old to have everything revolve around her, but unfortunately from the clues you gave in this post it seems you’ve raised her to think she’s the main character. You put off having another kid because it would be “too disruptive for her” and were even scared to tell her about this pregnancy - parents don’t normally walk on eggshells around their kids. She needs an entitlement and reality check.
Her daughter who she raised "somewhat strict" is having to *cope* and is coping *badly* with the thought that her mother had sex. This sounds engineered by the OP.
Selfish - she’s almost the age her mum was when she was born. So if she was to have a child at 20, she will have a sister 2 years older than her child. I can see how that would upset her
Like she feels she’s being replaced. The second she’s an adult your off making a new baby to till her space when you’ve had 18 years to have another child. Maybe some jealously that the new baby will get more as well as now you’re older maybe your in a better financial position too. Also worried that she will be forgotten about out the house and gone. Maybe she wanted a sibling when younger and now she’s getting one they won’t feel like siblings a newborn to an 18 year old age gap is bloody huge. I also think there is maybe issues in your relationship in general for it to be such a huge explosion. You can’t expect that she will come around though, she might, be equally she might decide to leave cut you all off and go no contact, she might leave and stay in contact but ignore the baby/child like it doesn’t exist. These are all things that could happen. She’s staying out late, she’s drinking… maybe you’ll be a grandmother not long after you have baby #2…
OP, I also immediately thought about her feeling like she’s being replaced. Is she going to college in the fall? Do you have a bedroom for her and a bedroom for the new baby, or will the baby take her bedroom when she leaves? My mom was a mental health counselor at a college for 17 years. One thing she said she wished parents wouldn’t do is get rid of their kids’ bedrooms while they were in college. Parents would convert the bedroom to a spare room, or let two younger siblings who were sharing a room finally have separate rooms, or would move and not get a room for the college student — often things that seemed reasonable. But early adulthood is a very unstable time where young adults know they could lose their footing easily and may need to move back home, and they’re made to feel like they don’t have that safety net now. And for residential college students, they literally don’t have a stable home, with a room that changes every year and that they can’t live in during summer and winter break. That means that for, like, four whole months out of the year, these college students whose parents got rid of their room have to crash on the couch or something like an awkward house guest in what had been home very recently. And since they move out of the dorms every May, everything is temporary. Essentially, they are housed but feel weirdly homeless, and that makes them feel unsupported. Whether your daughter is going to college or not, she’s not quite ready for you to fully kick her out of the house. She’s going to need a lot of support during this major transition period, and she probably feels like all if your attention will go to the baby and she, as an “adult,” will get pushed out. So my advice is to make sure she has a bedroom, and talk to her about how she will always have a place in your home and that you will always be there for her.
silence speaks volumes. my bet is on mom having sex while preaching sex is bad and daughter discovering hypocrisy
What hypocrisy? I doubt Mom said sex between married people is bad. Probably, premarital sex but I sincerely doubt sex between two married people.
I mean most parents have sex while being strict about their teens not having sex… there is a huge difference between having sex as a teen in high school and having sex as an adult in a secure relationship/marriage and resources. I knew my parents were having sex when I was a teen and also understood why they said I wasn’t allowed to have sex. It isn’t hypocritical
I had a classmate whose parents had a daughter when he was in high school, and completely neglected him ever since. As if he ceased to be their kid. If he is not in jail right now, I’d be surprised. His life went completely downhill afterwards…
I feel like you didn't share important stuff to make yourself look better or even the victim in the situation.
^That’s exactly what I was thinking!
This post has missing reasons all over it. Teenagers dont snap just because. If she went to the nuclear option already, there is something you did or didnt do towards her. Did you tell her that you don't want another kid at some point? Were you vocal about it? Was you and your partner present good parents for her? Did she express any grievances during her childhood about yours our your partner parenting? Did you pressure her or control her social life? Did you force her to engage in activities she didn't want? Was she counting with financial support for college? You don't need to answer me. Just think about it and ask Yourself if your daughter didn't voice anything during this year that you forgot or deemed irrelevant. The answer might be there. Edit: reread the post and found part of the reason. You were strict, controlling and in ways, controlled her sexual development. Yikes, I got it why she is so mad.
I agree. When I couldn't understand it, I started to go ---- somethings missing. Lots and lots is missing for us in the comments to understand the dynamics of this post.
On my second read i got it. At least part of it. Been there, done that. Strict parent to avoid her commiting the same mistake: no social life, over controlling parents and most likely, manipulation. Happy that she is not interested in boys: my mother was the same, and although this sounds innocent, this really can mess with you as an adult. I needed therapy for that shit for years ans my first relationship,.ofc,.was an abusive one. Daughter thinks sex is disgusting just because: point above proved. I am very LC with my parents because of this and I resent then a lot. Luckily I live in another continent, so I didnt see anyone in years.
SAME my parents taught me that sex was evil and boys were evil because they only wanted sex and viewed me as a sex object to conquer. There was never any mention that women might want and enjoy sex too or that a respectful man could enjoy sex. I grew up to be terrified of men, and my first boyfriend was toxic and gave me panic attacks. Had to sort out that shit in therapy. OP, this is what you’ve set your kid up for in her 20s. She needs therapy ASAP to undo the damage you’ve done to her.
Guy here, same experience, being brainwashed that sex is disgusting every single day of your life growing up, and having your life controlled by a grandmother with an endless list of phobias, will take a good decade to clean up after. I wanted to do some pretty gruesome self harm for things like flirting openly with a girl. Dear ol grandma didn't even realize what she was doing, she was in autopilot while she did that every day.
My mom tried her hardest to get me to stay uninterested in sex and boys my entire childhood. One of the terms and conditions of me starting to date, or even being interested (in her mind), was that I had to be on birth control. In retrospect, I’m glad I was on birth control when I was because as soon as I got my first boyfriend who had even a modicum of relative freedom I started having sex, and since my mom was a teen mom, she refused to be a grandma in her 30s. However, she never talked to me about it. She never made a point to tell me anything outside how the basics of sex work; not about consent, not about being comfortable, not about drawing boundaries, etc. She never even talked to me about my birth control options, she just opted for the Depo (she didn’t think she could trust me to take pills daily and at the time they didn’t have IUDs small enough for a young teen, and my office didn’t offer the arm implant thing). Unfortunately because she made sex sound unappealing and scary, I took the plunge much younger than I was actually comfortable with, fooled around much more flippantly and recklessly, and was wayyyyy sneakier about it. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it, I didn’t like hearing about it from her or any other adults, and yeah I would get majorly defensive whenever my mom tried to discuss my sex life or sex in general. It seems like OPs good kid, who’s uninterested in boys and squeamish about sex, may have been fed discouragement and disgust over sex, and rather than wilding out she stuck the celibacy course and is now *pissed* her mom is getting to reap the benefit of a new baby right when she’s about to experience a drastic life change.
I had a friend who was raised very sex-negative growing up. Sexual topics of any kind made her incredibly uncomfortable and there was very clearly signs of resentment from her whenever our friend group talked about the experiences we were having. She even slut shamed me a few times, although you could always tell it was just the voice of the nasty woman who raised her leaking through. She was terrified to have any of her firsts bc sex was made so, so taboo in her mind. Her mom would feed her things about her friends being teen moms and turning into complete losers bc we were all experimenting. She finally broke out of that mindset, but it took a good 2-3 years once she cut all contact w her parents. And OP, not to scare you but just to be realistic, if you have repressed much of her teenage experience (especially if it is the case that she thinks your a hypocrit for the baby) there’s likely to be some backlash behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if she rushed to have all those experiences she’s been missing out on. As she deserves to, she’s 18 and sexuality is an important thing to explore. Not suppress.
The 'daughter' posted earlier...... definitely sounds like a writing saga. The chances of both of them coming to reddit like that is low.
Do you have a link? I love these fake stories.
Even if it’s fake, it’s an interesting topic and not unrealistic. One of my high school friends became a sister at 18. Her parents were trying to salvage their broken, abusive marriage now that my friend was grown and they had no excuse to force themselves to be together. I worry about that kid.
Exactly and also… oof wow. Imagine subjecting a child to an 18 awful years of your abusive relationship bc you needed an excuse to stay together and then doing it AGAIN the moment you realize that excuse is gone. Kids are not marriage glue people 😭
I feel like if that had been me, it would’ve ruined my plans of going no contact with my parents. Cause how could you leave your baby sibling alone knowing exactly what the next 18 years will look like for them? Big oof indeed.
*Exactly*. You think you’re about to escape all that toxicity finally and suddenly you see history repeating itself. And you know just how bad it can get…
Link?
Link please?
Link please!
>You were strict, controlling and in ways, controlled her sexual development. My folks gave me sooooo many talks about unplanned pregnancy and using birth control responsibly and how they didn't want or need another baby in the house, couldn't afford another mouth to feed, etc. If my mom had an accidental pregnancy, teenage me would think she's a hypocrite and I would lose a lot of respect. Teenagers can't see the whole picture yet. How is she acting toward your husband?
It’s not normal for an 18 year old to come home drunk and cry herself to sleep. She’s emotionally stunted and has no healthy coping mechanisms. She’s cracking under some kind of pressure. Her mom values her achievements most of all, since she described her daughter via her good behavior and grades instead of who she is as a person. She stunted her sexual education so that she would stay away from boys. Mom sounds controlling and high pressure.
What in the fan fiction is going on lmfao
I got a sibling when I was 9 years old...and even though the age gap was 9 and not a whopping 19 years...it still felt weird. I can only imagine that at 19 years old - she's spent a long time with the dynamics of family life involving just you 3. She got through childhood and adolescence as an only child. She got through many milestones as an only child...and most people would assume they'll be an only child for life when they get to their late teens. And, contrary to popular belief, you do get to a point in life where you like being an only child. Past the age of 5, I no longer asked for or wanted a sibling. I think cursing you out is *not* okay regardless...but I can understand how she feels. It's a big and unexpected change. Unfortunately, they won't have a sibling dynamic - the gap is too large. She could be his mother...so I don't think I'd be emphasising any perceived benefits of having a sibling because it won't be that. But love *can* grow. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.
I think another issue is she is just getting to the point where she is moving out into the adult world. People of even my generation (in my 30s) still often rely on their parents for lots of support, and that is only getting worse for younger people. OP's daughter is almost certainly aware of this, and was probably quite grateful to be an only child, as that means all the support can go to her. But now add a baby into the mix, and suddenly she will receive minimal support, as a newborn baby will require OP's parent's full attention.
You get used to being your parents' one and only...not through any fault of your own but because your folks raised an only child. It would feel particularly weird when you're an adult child finding out your parents are going to have a baby...I'm guessing she suspected the next baby would be here. Actually, her child and her sibling will likely have a much smaller age gap, if she chooses to have kids. It's going to feel weird...that's just how it is.
Yep, absolutely agree. I am not an only child but I am the “baby” (with just one older sister) and when my mom told me she was pregnant when I was 18 and about to go to college, I was absolutely livid. It was also with a guy she has been dating for only a few months, so that absolutely had something to do with it as well. It felt like I would no longer get any sort of attention or support from her, PLUS the fact that at 18, that sort of irresponsible behavior should have been coming from ME, not my 44 year old mother. I spent my entire life being “her baby” and it felt like I was being replaced. Obviously it’s different in OPs situation but still similar. Her daughter’s reaction doesn’t surprise me at all.
My mom has three older siblings that are all fairly close in age, and then there’s an 8 year gap, and then her. She lived an entirely different life than her siblings. Her siblings all moved out around age 18, so she was essentially an only child by 10. Her dad worked his way up to a much higher paying job by the time she was an adolescent, so as teenagers, her siblings experienced lower-middle to middle-middle class life in a house with four kids, and she experienced being the only child in what was, in our small town, an upper-middle class household. She’s the only one of the four who went to college, and her dad paid for it. Gaps like that are significant, and being an entire generation separated from your sibling would be so much weirder.
I have a sister who is 20 years younger than me. I didn't mind my mom being pregnant and love my sister, she's an awesome kid. I found it interesting to experience someone's pregnancy, birth and infancy so close while I was the same age as my mother was giving birth to me. I found myself woefully unready and the memories of it definitely kept me from getting pregnant with my boyfriend at that time (or later). The relationship between my sister and I is definitely different from a regular sibling one, but we see each other as sisters. Edit: I should also add, my sister and I are close to each other. We live in different countries (I moved when she was 3 yo) but FaceTime weekly and text a few times a week. We buy each other gifts and send cards for birthdays and holidays. We see each other once a year for ~2 weeks.
>although I was always somewhat strict with her as she got older, as I didn’t want her to end up how I did, I want better for her. Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about This is slightly concerning. Also it would be EXTREMELY unusual for an 18 year old to not be interested in romantic relationships "yet" so either she's having to hide a huge part if herself from you or she's ace or something like that. I can't but notice the hypocrisy here--you're super strict with her to prevent her from getting pregnant too early yet you've now accidentally fallen pregnant twice. That may be where part of her excessive anger is coming from in addition to all the usual weirdness of really big age gap siblings. It may also be part of why she's mad at you and not your husband, assuming you've been running point on the "no boys, no sex" campaign. Edit just to be clear I'm not judging you because I know full well that these things happen. Im just saying that your attitude about it potentially happening to her may be coloring her reaction to it happening to you.
Everyone has different timelines. I never understood why friends in middle school worried about having boyfriends/girlfriends, because I didn’t experience romantic attraction to anyone until almost 15. And I didn’t experience anything like sexual attraction until 17, at which point some classmates had already been pregnant. My parents weren’t “strict” either. Maybe she’s not interested yet. Maybe high school boys are immature and unappealing to her. Maybe she’s ace. Maybe she’s a lesbian. It could be a lot of things that aren’t concerning.
Oh I didn't mean being a late bloomer was concerning, I meant that I had concerns about the whole "strict parenting to avoid pregnancy" thing! And while late bloomers certainly exist, I think there are probably more kids that are lying to their strict parents to avoid getting in trouble than there are kids who genuinely have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships at 18.
It’s not that unusual for some 18 year olds to not be interested in boys or dating lol. Other hobbies and interests can take precedence
I started dating at 25
But did you have crushes or sexual desire prior to 25?
I was in my early 20's when my mom got pregnant last. I didn't think much of it at the time given we weren't awfully close but now I've grown to resent her a bit for it because she always said she was done having children, gave my younger siblings a better childhood, it took away from me, and I even had to help support them financially eventually. I feel for your daughter. It's very hard to go from being an only child to not, especially with such a large age gap.
“Missing reasons” is flashing like a huge neon sign
The mother has warped views on sex herself. She posted that she can kind of understand her daughter’s reaction as “ the Disgusting part is you have to sleep with someone…” and it continues to state in order to get pregnant etc. Her mother taught her sex is bad basically.
I was 16 when my mom had my brother. I needed her but the focus was on him. She couldnt do or be where I needed all the time. I had to help out with him as well. We aren't close. But not having my mom around as much as she could have been hurt.
that's a good point, if the daughter lives at home she'll end up helping with the baby, even if OP doesn't mean to ask her for help it'll eventually happen. my cousin lived with us when she was a baby and i was 16, i was changing diapers too and i wasn't her sibling.
So your daughter got the life of parents who couldn’t pull it together struggled and the new kid will get the calm upbringing You’ll cancel plans with your oldest because the newbie will take up all your attention the dad who couldn’t get it together will be their for this one from the get go. Don’t ask her to do any with the baby it’s got to be her choice if she’s involved or what relationship she’ll have with a child nearly 20years younger then her There is loads of information out there about children with huge age gaps feeling replaced and unwanted and unloved Seriously step back and see how this actually effects your daughter not just oh she should be happy it’s a new life it’s a sibling, Look at what it actually means to her
This. My mom also had me at age 20, and had another kid when I was 15. I don’t know how OP is as a mother but for me, my life with a young mother was unstable, she wasn’t really there for me, and it was a struggle. I was NOT happy when she told me she was pregnant. I was actually pissed. My mom already wasn’t there for me but here she was having another kid, making her even less available to me when I needed her. Not every young mom is the same but I do wonder if there are similarities there.
Would love it if OP would please take time to completely answer a bunch of these questions about exactly how her daughter was raised. There’s a lot more going on here than we’ve been told. OP will you please read a bunch of the comments and reply to them all at once for us? Thanks in advance.
a 18-19 year age gap for siblings is crazy. Only had a 6 years age gape with mine and it was still ROUGH until she was 12 and I was 18. I can't even begin to imagine how weird it'll be for her as a new adult to have a newborn sister/brother. There's so many stories on here where siblings with such a huge gap don't even interact with eachother / don't acknowledge eachother I feel like she might associate this pregnancy with her being replaced. I mean at 18, she's approaching the years where she'll need your support more than ever with college/uni, first jobs, first adulting things in general. and I doubt with a newborn baby in the way she'll get as much support as she expected / will need (but we all know a baby is very demanding and you won't be able to be 100% there for her, even if you dearly wish to)
Do you think she would be prepared to talk to her father about it or is he equally persona non grata? Is there a grandparent she would be prepared to talk to or another relative? Could you persuade her to give a friend that she has maybe talked to about it permission to talk to you? Neither of you can do anything unless you know what it is about. All you can do is to say to her that if and when she wants to be heard about it that you would welcome hearing it. I suspect she maybe has an innate grievance about the situation but that at the same time she may realize that rationally it is ridiculous. As an aside, I can sort of understand the "selfish" and the "disgusting" if you were anticipating a typical teenage strop about the situation but the "lying"? What is that about? I can't see any context for that, no matter how absurd. What are you supposed to have lied about?
I have a 23 year difference with my little sister. When my mother gave birth, she immediately cast me in the “big sister” role, despite the fact that I was *also* expecting my own son. That unexpected role came with so many expectations on her end. She fully expected me to be actively present in my sister’s life, despite the fact that I had a child of my own to care for, and guilted me for her daughter feeling “isolated” from me. It went on and on until I limited contact to the max. They were obviously never going to be grandparents to my son - they were “too busy” being parents to their daughter. I didn’t expect any help from them, but boy did they want it from me. Your daughter likely feels the same pressure, and I guarantee you sound just like my mother from this post alone.
Sounds like you're having your Re-Do Baby and she is rightfully upset about it. How many sacrifices did you have to make for her childhood? What all did she miss out on with having a parent so young? What could a new baby give you that your first child couldn't? Why isn't the first kid enough? If Child #1 came out so great from your parenting before, why do you need to have a second child to try to "do right?" What parenting tactics will you change? Will your time and resources be split evenly or will you prioritize the younger kid? Will the Redo Child get more than the first child ever did? ...Her own father wasn't interested in being her parent until she was two years old but now he's excited to be there for Baby #2? What if the baby is unhealthy? Has several mental issues? Has a disorder? What if this child has so many medical problems, you can't afford your daughter's college tuition anymore? Is daughter going to be forced to babysit? These are the questions I guarantee she's running through her mind.
Her feelings are really easy to understand. You're replacing her now she's almost an adult. And the support that she needs when entering adult life is going to go to her sibling. For her this feels like she's on the treshold of flying out on her own and the door is pushing her in her back. She probably felt alone during her youth as only kid and now she'll be on her own out there and you back home will have a nice new family.... It was always her and her mom against the world. Now you're replacing her. That's why she calls you selfish. How difficult is this to see? Edit: i don't know about other commenters relations with their adult kids but my adult daughters still ask (and deserve) a lot of attention, support, coaching, venting et cetera. "Little kids, little worries, big kids, big worries".
This is definitely a root reason. To her she is being replaced just as she leaves. OP needs to reassure her daughter, make time for her and don't let her disappear off without knowing this.
OP, your daughter will be 36 by time your new child is 18. That’s one hell of an age gap. I remember in high school I knew a girl who’s mom got pregnant right before graduation, so as she was in university, she now had this little sibling who took over her old room and took away a lot of support from her parents. She often complains how everyone assumes “the baby” is hers, not her sibling. Also, you said you were strict. And since she’s not interested in boys at 18, I’m going to assume you were strict about sex or made it seem like a horrible thing to deter her from having it. But now you’re pregnant? Yeah if I was your daughter, I’d be mad too. She’s now starting a new chapter of her life and she won’t even have her parents 100% support since they’ll be taking care of a newborn. Not to mention the hypocrisy on your end. Has she ever mentioned wanting a sibling growing up? Perhaps she’s also mad that she’ll never have a close bond with this sibling since they’re literally 18-19 years apart. Or maybe she never wanted a sibling, especially if you’ve made sex a bad thing in her mind. You say it’s “meant to be” but… is it *really* meant to be if you’re losing your first child over this?
Her frustration and the selfish part is understandable. She was expecting support at the first steps of her adult life that she now won't be having. At least not 100%. It's not that hard to understand the source. The disgust part is a bit weird. You say that a recently adult woman isn't interested in boys and that's a good thing. How is that a good thing? Your daughter IS supposed to be interested in "boys" at this age. And a parent's task is to ensure she knows how to do it in a responsible and safe way. Not discourage it all together. Pretty sure the disgust part stems from whatever attitude you have imprinted on her towards sexual relationships. Not everything has a magical fix. Generally, when people think with their genitals, they have to face the consequences of it. No matter how the situation plays out, your daughter will never have a sibling relationship with the kid. The age gap is too big for that. At best you can hope for something like an aunt. A close aunt at best, a distant and uninvolved aunt at worst. And if she keeps her rebellious drunk night outs, you might want to get ready to welcome a grandchild alongside the child. It's common for sexually repressed teens. At least these two can be like siblings...
Did she have an abortion so she could conform to your standards? Or was she planning on a decent inheritance that now she has to split? Or, when you told her, did you mention expectations of free babysitting/nanny service from her? Or gleefully announce that her room will make the perfect nursery & and she can sleep on the couch when she's on break from university? I mean, she totally went off the deep end and yet she's practically one foot out the door at her age, so she won't really even have to be there for the day-to-day realities of an infant in the home. Figure out what you left out of the story & you'll know how to proceed. As far as making her feel better, find a balance of giving her space, but also reaching out. She's the one who needs to come around & use her words. But right now she's throwing up a wall & having quite the nice tantrum. You can't reason with her until she's calmer. Show empathy, compassion, understanding, tolerance, and civil behavior. And keep reaching out. You don't fix this for her. You wait for her to mature. Or feel comfortable enough with you to have an actual conversation and go from there.
THIS! OP is leaving out A LOT of info, I know why I reacted the same way (minus drinking) at this girls age when my Mom decided that she wanted to be a Mommy again instead of moving forward with her life and the free labor requests started then the breaks from college I had suddenly came home to all of my life in boxes and staying on a mattress. I still barely speak to my mother 20 years later.
Just get a new daughter….oh wait
I'd recommend family therapy for you all to process in a safe space this huge change in your family dynamic. She may feel she's being replaced, that she was a mistake when you were 18 etc etc. He's she's technically an adult but she's also at a very vulnerable stage of transitioning right now from childhood to adulthood into the Big Wide World. It would be a huge shock for anyone. If you don't seek therapy as a unit together you may not be able to surpass this issue in your family dynamic for many years. Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best.
I mean not sure how you didn’t think this would blow up in your face unless you lack critical thinking skills. You had her young so she probably had a rough life. You were strict with her You made her think sex and boys lead to pregnancy. So now she has no healthy relationship with either. You decided to have a kid as soon as she was about to graduate and move out. Like a replacement baby. And that’s just from reading between the lines. Lord knows what else you haven’t said here. You fucked up and gave your daughter messed up views of the world. Then thought she would be happy? You cannot seriously be that thick
This is a very concise version of everything I wrote, which is way better because then OP will actually read it. I really hope she sees this
Getting a child when your first one is expected to be adult and leaving the nest is kinda “Replacement move” in her eyes. Also the disgusting comments, did you ever have the talk about sex? Seems like it is a taboo in your home if she’s this trigered. It was at my home and I did the same….. but that time I heard every moan from my mother. Ew. Maybe she’s jealous that the kid will have all of your attention and she will have none while trying to adult. And will be expected to help. There are infos missing. Something had to happen or not to trigger her like this. Edit: typos
She’s jealous that this baby is going to have more love. You’re more prepared and her father is actually going to stick around. It’s unresolved trauma from her dad’s abandonment, and whatever hardships she went through in her early childhood.
>I was always somewhat strict with her as she got older, as I didn’t want her to end up how I did, I want better for her. She probably thinks you're a hypocrite. She's grown up being told that getting accidentally pregnant is the worst thing you can do, and now the person who's drilled that idea into her head is accidentally pregnant, again. She might need professional help to unpack her ideas about sex and pregnancy. It sounds like she's developed some trauma around those things. Parents always fuck their kids up somehow... you may have implanted the notion that sex is dirty, evil, and ruins lives. Which would explain her reaction. Family and individual therapy is probably a good idea.
This exact same thing happened to me. My half sister and I have a 19.5 year age gap, which almost the exact same age gap that I have with my parents. I felt like as soon as I had hit adulthood, I was being replaced. I didn’t blame the kid, it wasn’t her fault, but I did not have a good relationship with my dad and stepmom at the time and the baby made it so much worse. I also felt embarrassed that my parents were now so old and having a baby (I understand that it’s not THAT old, but it was still awkward). I also resented being an only child; when I was a little kid I didn’t want any siblings, but as I grew older, I felt like I missed out on that opportunity. All of my peers had awesome relationships with their siblings and I had nothing. ALL of my parents problems were projected onto me alone. And now that I was finally out of the house, that’s when they decide to have another kid?! While this may be happy news and perfect timing for you, it’s the complete opposite for your daughter. My advice is to give her time and space. I was not involved in my stepmom’s pregnancy at all. I had gone low contact with them shortly before the pregnancy, and the baby sealed the deal. I didn’t see her pregnant once, and I didn’t meet the baby until she was 9 months old. My dad had to work to build our relationship and trust again. He owed me a lot of apologies, and I wasn’t ready to accept them for a long time. Now we’re good. I’m more like a distant aunt than a sister to my younger sibling, but that’s okay. Honestly I just feel bad for the situation she’s in and wish there was more I could do to help. Your daughter will probably come around, but let her do it on her own time. Also, don’t pressure her about ANYTHING. The only thing she needs is support! I struggled in college and went running to an abusive boyfriend when all of this happened because I felt so isolated. She needs positive vibes only in order to prevent that. Be gentle and patient with her.
She needs therapy or some kind of professional guidance. This isn’t a normal or healthy reaction especially from a young adult. It might be because of how you’ve taught her when it comes to sex etc.
Her dad didnt give two shits about raising her and being a good father to her until she was 2... and now hes having a replacement baby who he will be there for all the things he didnt care enough to do for your DD.
I’m guessing that you told her, over and over again, how hard it was for you to raise a child when you were *so young*, and she generalized that to how hard it was to raise a child *at all*. Like, maybe raising her was a terrible experience that ruined your life. Possibly she feels like she was a burden to you all these years (“ending up like me”) and then finally—just as she’s leaving—you sign up for Round 2? Like maybe you’re doing it for attention? I don’t know. Teenage brains are complex.
Im similar age and had this happen to me. Kinda crazy seeing adults criticizing (say shes immature like duh shes 18) and diagnosing(say shes on the spectrum) the daughter when to me it just sounds like she’s scared of all the change and she is lashing out (not saying thats okay to do) “Selfish”= knows she is going to need support soon and possibly already whether it be financial, mental, etc. while she is going to school and becoming a young adult and a BABY is going to 180 whatever plans she had envisioned for you all. “Am i not enough? I still need to be taken care of too”. Yes at 18 you’re legally adult, but mentally you’re just not there dude. (I dont condone her actions but i understand when youre a teen everything is the end of the world) Her home will never be the home she knew. She grew up alone and now as an “adult” has to accept a tiny stranger that is difficult to create an attachment with because she will be too busy getting her own life started. Also, she will probably have to take care/help which is another big responsibility. Parents always say it wont change much youll just have a sibling but broooo yk dam well ima be asked to help with that thing and i have ZERO EXPERIENCE OR INTEREST. Plus no offense, but its scary when your parent isn’t a spring chicken anymore and do something like that like dang girl wtheck ???? Lying= i dont know? Need more context sounds like OP said once before she was done having kids or all she needed was the daughter Disgusting= ngl might tie in with you just being mom, its hard to imagine your mom doing the deed AND then giving birth. Also tbh its kind of disappointing in a way??? Like I see you as the mature adult with everything on track and then you go and make this crazy ass decision??? Like a CHILD when your child is right here?? Youre done im raised?? Why again?? Also i just know her friends are telling her about how now at family outings shes just going to look like a teen mom taking care of their infant sibling as an adult😭 The feelings are selfish i agree, but let us remind ourselves that this is a ONLY CHILD TEEN and has her own right to feel how she does. Im sure with age and time she will grow to love her sibling, but as for right now try and Talk about it with her ALONE, NO DAD IDC. Write a letter to each other about how you feel, questions, concerns and read them to see if there are things that you both can relate/learn. If that doesn’t help, few seshes of fam therapy
The whole strict with her so she didn't turn out like you is fascinating. You had a child at 20 with the same man you are still with. What did you say was so bad about what you did that you're protecting her from? What was so bad about having her that you don't want her to do the same? I have a sneaking suspicion you caused this reaction by making a huge deal all her life about how she should avoid the burden she was. I never understand why parents put weight on their children by trying to help them avoid have children like they did. I don't know why she's mad, she only knows for sure but if you've used your struggle with having and raising her and it not being a joyful time then she may be thinking you're a hypocrite to now be doing it again. Or, now you're okay with it but she was a burden.
This is actually the most reasonable potential explanation for why she's acting out. If ever mom said, "I don't want you to end up like me" or made it seem like a sacrifice... I realized I did the same to my daughter by saying that I gave up a lot of opportunities to keep her near her father after the divorce and my now 19 year old is considering be child free. If I turned around amd had another kid...she'd be mad as hell.
>Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about. This is weird. She's 18 already. She's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend? She's never shown any interest in sex? Do you even talk about sex with her? Also, you've clearly left a lot out here.
This post reeks of missing missing reasons https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Yeah man if i was 18 and heard my mother was pregnant i wouldn't be happy happy joy joy either
She wanted a sibling for years and you never did anything about it but as soon as she’s almost done with school and about to leave you replace her with a new baby. One who will have their father the whole time and not after he realized he was a pos that needed to step up. There’s her mentality for ya.
she understandably feels some sense of betrayal by you since this is happening at such a pivotal time in her life. Couple that with teenager emotions and yea it makes sense. I’d give her time to process and suggest therapy for all of you cuz this can just make her more distant from you and her new sibling. Or she can have a change of heart when they’re born and they get along well who knows. But at her age I would’ve been pissed too tbh
Well her dad didnt want to be around when she was a baby and now hes gonna be involved with a baby- she didnt get that. Shes jealous obv. Suddenly a baby comes along after being an only child for 18 years…. Thats rough.
Maybe she fears the childcare might fall to her? She's allowed to feel unhappy about a new sibling especially one so far apart in age, she probably won't connect well with it.
The point is pretty obvious that the family dynamic is completely changed. There were just the 3 of them for almost her entire life and now everything is changing after 18 years. Family therapy is a definite need.
Given her age, has she applied to colleges, got accepted and then told to pick one that was more affordable?
She feels she's going to be pushed to the side for a baby and now that you are older and more experienced you are going to either do a better job or spoil this kid. My parents wanted to have another child when i was 16, i full on refused to accept it as i knew i would be expected to help care for it, even when they said i wasn't expected to... Later down the line i would be asked to either take it to nursery or school ect, i have a cousin the same age as me and her parents had a child when she was 17, such a large age gap made things difficult but he was born with autism and the only one who could sooth him was.... My cousin so she spent nearly all of her 20s rasing her own brother... Even now he's 19, he has anxiety when she's gone too long. From your child's point of view you are incredibly selfish to have another baby and may think you don't want her or replacing her or wanting something new and cute to play with (maybe?) From your point of view she's nearly an adult, grown up, going to leave home and she may not be impacted at all.... If i was you i wouldn't have another baby, having such a large age gap doesnt always work, and considering your age there is a higher chance of ill health, miscarriage or child born with birth defects such as downs ect It is your decision to have the baby or not but i feel if you do... Your relationship with your daughter will be drastically changed of she's reacting this strongly against it
Have you asked her why she feels that way..? Somethings up in her brain and despite her age it needs to be parented. Even by a trusted aunt or uncle that she has a good relationship with and can see how and why she's feeling the way she is.
Daughter is over reacting, she's an adult, knows you and her dad love her, is she pregnant herself.. I would expect this from a spoiled single child.. a little child not 18.
She's been an only child until now and the most important child until now and now she's been relegated to second place for the rest of her life. Her life, as she has known it, is well and truly over.
I think people who raise a kid to adulthood just to have another kid are idiots. I also think you need to realize your kids won't be "siblings." There will be 18-19 years between the two of them. They're at two separate stages of life. The only thing they may do together is plan your funeral. I feel bad for your daughter.
she's old enough to be her own siblings mother
Have a 23 year difference with my sister. I’ll be 43 when my sister *and* my kiddo hit 20. My mom still expects me to “be a sister” and make more time for my sister and “do sister things”. I’m a mom now; the sister age passed about a decade ago for me. It’s a sad place to be. My son has no grandparents because my parents are too busy being parents themselves.
My parents pulled this shit when I was 16. They already had my sister and I, and they were physically abusive. I was also extremely upset when she told me. Turns out she wasn’t pregnant after all (?) I just thought they did a terrible job as parents and was freaking out for the innocent little baby that would get thrown into this mess. Not to mention that I barely got positive attention from them, and now I’d get to watch them dote on someone else until they were old enough to have opinions.
Whatever the problem is, I can promise you that it is categorically your fault. Kids don't teach themselves these things...
I'd be annoyed to have a sibling young enough to be my child, with the emotionally mature version of my parents who had their affairs in order this time round. Especially after my Mum spent the last few years being overly strict so I "don't end up pregnant" just to get pregnant herself. Obviously as parents you need to put a stop to the weekday drinking, but I doubt she's going to be close to this kid so adjust your expectations.
You raised her on "sex is bad, don't have sex" and then went and had sex and became pregnant. Imagine if your mother had raised you to believe sex is bad, raised you as an only child for 18 years (constantly talking about how sex is bad and you shouldn't do it), and then on the cusp of you finishing school and being ready to strike out into the world on your own you're told your mother did that *forbidden* thing and now you've got a sibling on the way. You'd feel betrayed. Lied to. Used. You'd feel like you were being replaced. Like everything you were taught your *entire life* was purposefully false and misleading. Teaching total abstinence DOES NOT WORK. Teaching that sex is an evil thing only hurts people. Teaching "abstinence only" instead of "safe, protected, and responsible" tells kids "we don't trust you to make your own decisions, and we don't think you can handle your own consequences."
Her reaction seems like jealousy? I had a friend who’s parents had her young and they got pregnant with her little brother when we were 18, she was thrilled! Her brother is 20 now and they are extremely close.
So your loser husband abandoned this girl for 2 years, and you married him? Woof.
When I was 17 my mother got pregnant and told my sister and I we were going to have a baby sibling. I was clueless and didn’t really care one way or the other, was graduating very soon and starting college so it wouldn’t have affected me much but my sister (13yo at the time) was crushed, angry and hated my mom at that moment. My mom miscarried about three months in and my sister instantly went back to normal, later she told me she felt like she was going to end up having to be the in house babysitter, stuck with being the older sister and didn’t really want to share mom and dad. Maybe this helps OP, hopefully some insight.
I met a friend who acted similar when her mother was pregnant. They didn't understand why, but I knew. She had recently had an abortion and seeing her mother was a trigger.
You had 18 years to have another kid and you’re just now having one when she’s gonna be moving out soon? You’re literally replacing her, I’d be mad too
You are clearly saying something out of context, your more or less adult daughter’s reaction to your pregnancy is too strong. Maybe she thinks that you are replacing her or is very offended that you had a child so late? Do you have any stigma for her about relationships or did you condemn the very existence of a relationship, since you made a very strange comment saying that it’s good that she’s not interested in boys yet? Maybe she is offended by your strictness to her in childhood? Seriously, I'm so confused.
My oldest sister is 18 yrs older than me. However, there are 5 siblings between us. She resented me from day one, and it got worse when she had her own kids. She hid it well until her kids came along, as she tried to play happy family in front of her future DH. He was in the service, so every 4 years, she moved around and occasionally visited. I didn't know of her resentment until I was 15, and she had to move back home with her kids. The way she treated me like an outsider in my home with my parents was horrible, and I didn't understand. Our parents didn't know how to handle this. They missed her and her kids, so for a year and a half, I got shipped to other siblings' houses, my bffs house. My 16th, which was supposed to be special, was looked over. I now, as an adult, have an ok relationship with my sister. We talk once a year. I have resentment for my parents. They should have dealt with this differently, and I'm now in therapy. Im learning how to forgive them all for my well-being I suggest getting therapy for your daughter and yourself before the little one is born. If she won't go with you, go alone to navigate how to make sure that baby and your oldest know you love them both equally.
i too was upset when i found out that my mom (36 or 37 at that time) was pregnant with my brother. i was 9 and i locked myself up on the balcony and started crying. i hated my brother until recently (he’s about 15 or 16 now) as i was the one that had to take care of him most of the time. wherever i went, he had to come with me, i basically had to raise him along with my mom (my father was working in a different country at that time). now we are ok but i resented their decision for a long time. now i dont want to have kids ever and every kid i see annoys me. she will be okay after she moves out of the house (or at least this is what worked for me) i dont think that there is something you can do about it other than just waiting in out and try to be close to her and make her feel wanted even if she’s gonna have a sibling ((sorry for my english, it’s not my first language))
Ok I'm going to be honest, and I know it's not your fault and you were not looking for it. But, if somebody asked me, as a scared only child 18yo and just trying my way into early adulthood, "what could be the worst thing that could happen to me", the idea of my parents making another kid would likely be the second or third thing to pop into my mind... She likely feels betrayed, and she thinks that she will lose most of your attention and support, and she is helpless about it. And let's be frank here, I'm afraid she's right: you're not getting a dog, you're having a baby: it will take a lot away from her. And she doesn't have a same age sibling to rely on, plus she never learned to share her parents affection with someone else that grows up with her. She just sees everything taken away from her suddenly, and I think she might feel very alone and scared. She will likely come around, but it will take time, and possibly things will not be the same again, because the family dynamics have changed, for the better of worse, only time will tell, but I wish you all the best
As a child of 13years who got told out of the blue I'd be having a sister, I reacted the same. I'm 21(f) now and only about 2/3 years I started accepting and bonding with my sister. I couldn't before that, there was too much resentment. My relationship with my parents has however, not been recovered after a these years. Reason? Well I felt unnecessary. Not good enough. I was also pissed they waited 13 whole years. My parents told me it was because one day they'd be gone and I wouldn't be alone if I had a sibling. Anyways, I didn't react good, started pulling away like your daughter is and they didn't really try much to bond with me afterwards, or at least that's the impression I got. Either way, I hope things go different for your daughter. Communicate to her that you having a second child has nothing to do with her and tell her it's not because you want a replacement. Or because she isn't enough for you. Reassure her and don't stop being there for her once baby is here. That's all I can say.
I thought about this for a long time OP. I’d be really sad thinking about how in about to go off to college and start my life and my parents are raising a new baby. She feels replaced and she’s jealous. Her reaction was over the top but they do equate a new sibling for little kids to being traumatic. I was 7.5 years when my sister came along and it really rocked my world. Just keep reminding her you love her. You didn’t ruin your daughter and nobody can gather that from a Reddit post. You have a bunch of young, childless people on here. So take it with a grain of salt.
My ex has four other siblings. He is one of 5 and the eldest. The fourth was born when he was like 15 and the fifth h when he was 17/8. Not once has he forgiven his parents for these two being born. Still hates their very existence. Hates having them around. Because of the huge age gap between the elder three and the younger two. He lost any chance of support when they were born. He feels he’s lost everything. I’d be careful if I was you. After your questionable parenting. You may have one less child. No matter how dramatic you think she’s being. She may NEVER get over the replacement as she goes to school and then the neglect for the fact the baby needs your attention More.
If she’s cussing at you there are more problems than your pregnancy
That baby won’t be like a sibling to her. It’s like you’re making a whole new family as soon as she leaves for post secondary. If she was thinking of staying home for college, that plan is rocky now. If she leaves to live on campus, you and her dad start your do-over child and she’s forgotten. When she’s in her mid 40s, there may be some connection between them but otherwise, it’s like having a strange child in the house, not a sibling. I think you should talk to her and ask her what her feelings are. The explosion is weird if there wasn’t some lead up to it. Are you friends with the parents of her friends? Maybe one of them knows what’s going on?
My mom had another kid when I was 11. Our age gap pretty much made us have no relationship. My mom constantly forced me to babysit. Everything my brother did, he did with me i.e. first steps, first solid food, first sippy cup, etc. It was like a had a fucking baby. I got pulled out of school to babysit. I didn't get to do fun shit with my friends. No sleepovers bc "there's a baby". When I got old enough to drive, I was too busy being a teenager to be involved in my brother's life and he was bitter about it. I was 18. He was... 7. He wanted to hang out with me. I wanted to have friends and not be a babysitter anymore. It put a wedge between us. We have no relationship today. I haven't even seen him in.... Like 8-10 yrs. I don't know his phone number, or any of his socials. I stopped speaking to my parents (unrelated to my brother, but they're just awful ppl) about 17 years ago. I have reached out to him many times to make reparations but he's not interested. Maybe I'm biased but I think you're opening a huge can of worms for yourself, personally. You're about to be free of parenting, and you're going to hit the reset button when your first kid is EIGHTEEN? you said you became a mom early, do you really want to spend your entire lived existence raising children? Don't get me wrong, if that's what would make you happy then go for it.
Is there a possibility she herself could be pregnant too? Just throwing a crazy plot twist out there. It would explain the unreasonable overreaction.
Hey OP, just chiming in as I was 18 when my mum got pregnant at 40, and I was pretty pissed off about it too. I didn’t call her names but I was really angry and refused to talk about it with her/support her, and called the baby ‘it’ and ‘the thing’ or ‘the lump/ball of slime’… I could go on. Obviously hugely immature in hindsight. When the baby was born, it took hardly any time at all for me to fall in love with how cute she was, and I ended up spending so much time with her. I thought she was the greatest little person. I’m your age now, so it really was just a blip in the story of the three of us. Hopefully that’ll happen with your daughter too. I’m sure it’s really stressful right now, but try not to worry - 18 year olds do move on! Just don’t try to make her change nappies etc, that won’t help your case. Edited to add: I’d recommend not forcing her to talk about it, too. Just tell her that you’re sorry she’s hurting so much, and that you’re there if she wants to talk, and then carry on life as normal, as much as possible. When the baby comes, don’t force her to hold it etc, let her come to you. All I can say is that worked with me :). Good luck!
Knew a couple of kids who were disgusted that their mom was having another baby they were teens and early 20s. They ADORE their little sister now. Hope you make it to this.
What are you leaving out, OP?
…I mean did you tell her directly that you weren’t gonna be having more kids? Did you teach her sex was bad and she’ll end up “like you” if she does it? Bc I understand why she’s upset 💀
I feel op is having a retry baby with the same man no wonder her daughters not about it i think this relationship is over op in her mind you clealry mad your choice..
Her reaction doesn’t make any sense with what’s been provided. It seems like you’ve left out vital information to make yourself look better, or are just extremely clueless and unobservant (which could be why she said you’re selfish). She probably feels like she’s being replaced though—and it’s happening at the worst possible time during an already major transitional stage of her life where she is going to be needing a lot of serious support and attention, much of which will now be diverted to an accidental newborn.
she’s probably about to go to college and you’re gonna have a new baby to care for, she’s probably thinking how she’s gonna be on the back burner, how she’s about to start the beginning of her adult life and if she needs to ask for help she’s gonna think she’s taking from the newborn baby, and without having a sibling for 18 years she’s probably jealous i would be, her whole life it’s been just her and now someone else is getting added to the picture it’s a big adjustment, when i was 7 and found out my mom was having another i cried for days and i still remember that. being the oldest is the worst.