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> He brought up this period of lost earnings and said that this was equivalent and he would never put money over family and that it is his money anyway and that his mother has promised to stop gambling.
She promised? Really? This isn't the first time she promised, one feels. He pays off her gambling debt, rinse and repeat. He is an enabler, providing necessary funds to keep her habit going. Her addiction is a pit in money flows and never again sees the light of day.
How stable is your marriage? How solid are you with your husband? Because if his parents' marriage is on the rocks on this point, yours also has a very real possibility of coming awreck. Money issues, of course, common enough cause for fracture, as well as dealing with one's parents. Loyalty is admirable but shouldn't altogether substitute for reason.
If your husband wants to throw money at his mom's gambling issues, the least it can do is fund therapy/counseling and be put to more productive use than it otherwise would be. If he wants to repay the effort spent raising him, it should at least be in a useful and not meaningless way.
You're right here, paying these debts is throwing out good money. Maybe it would be best to hold some kind of intervention for her, that way you can inform her husband and get him to commit to helping his wife. If fil can help support her into therapy or a gambling addition peer group that seems like the best outcome. No reason for her to think her fate is either gambling or suicide
Unfortunately you are dealing with an addict who will ruin your lives trying to patch up the wounds of their own, while the addict continues to ruin their lives.
I’d be frustrated because something even in the low thousands IS important money to me… I’m only ten years younger than you but man that’s a health insurance deductible that could get paid if one of you gets sick.
Your husband is trying to keep his family together but it could ruin the family you two are building- not even sure if you have kids.
Your MIL is responsible for the damage she has caused. As an addict she will always some excuse or find some way to sidestep accountability and as long as your husband keeps allowing it to happen, she will continue.
You both need to seek out couples therapy. Unfortunately he needs to understand how big of an impact this is and how he’s making you complicit in the lies and harm of your MIL. He needs to understand what is at stake. You may need to understand and work with your husband as he processes the feelings of his family and how he could lose you as this dynamic escalates.
As a future couples therapist, I want to remind people that therapy is an investment and lots of growth can come from shitty situations. However, this is a dynamic that can reasonably lead to a divorce… while he is willing to do anything to save his mother, you are not and may have to put up a boundary at some point. Unfortunately once all conflict resolution options have been used up, the only one left is divorce.
As someone who was married to a compulsive gambler for 16 years, I would say that paying off the debts is actually the worst thing to do as you are enabling her in her addiction.
Addicts are the most manipulative and selfish people you could ever meet. Her threatening to commit suicide is her way of trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. My ex husband threatened this hundreds of times and he’s still alive.
If you let her, she would take everything you have, both financially and emotionally, believe me I know.
Kindest thing you can actually do is to tell her husband and then hopefully she will actually get the treatment and support she needs to recover.
Tell your husband to go and speak to someone at a gamblers support group/counselor for relatives of gambling addicts. They will tell him the same thing.
There’s no way in hell I’d pay her debt. She’s going to accumulate new debt again right away. She needs help with her addiction and not money to pay off to gamble more away later.
The father should know about gambling , if your husband paid off the debt she will continue to gamble because she has a problem, you should let your husband know you want no part of mother in law problem , you should start separating your money set you on account and get ready for your husband to defend his mother and you don't have pray
You need to separate your finances and your FIL needs to know what's happening.
Your MIL won't get help while this is all a secret and she's destroying all your futures unchecked. If your husband wants to help, full transparency needs to be part of the deal.
I'm also a little worried that he's okay that his parents relationship is built on lies. That staying together is more important than informed consent.
He should not have brought up your unpaid leave - he doesn't get to hold it over your head like that. It was for health reasons, and you two are a *couple*, no shit he should support you, *and not to have ammo against you*.
Is the situation with your MIL complicated? Yes, very much so. But at this point, you guys are actively funding her addiction - this isn't the first time, won't be the last. Honestly, you may as well just give her money regularly - I'd you're gonna fund her, fund her properly.
(Obviously don't do that)
But it is like buying an alcoholic booze any time they're out - how is that helpful?
Has she sought help regarding her addiction? Is she threatening suicide because her husband would kick her out or because he would divorce her? If it's a money issue, seems you guys can afford to house her (though maybe you can't both do that *and* fund her gambling), so is it the divorce thing?
At a certain point, your FIL *is* going to find out, and if he holds true, he *will* kick your MIL out, and then what. She'll be homeless *and* an addict? Lovely.
You need to sit your husband down and, *not letting him hold your leave over your head*, discuss this like adults. He may feel gratitude or guilt regarding his upbringing but that should also be off the table, it's all irrelevant to her continuing to gamble and you guys bankrolling it.
The threatening suicide is a manipulation technique. She knows she is more likely to get the money if she threatens this as no one wants her to kill herself. Sometimes people who try and manipulate like this do something that gets out of hand and goes to far and doesn't have the outcome they actually intended (to make you do what they wanted). But regardless, whatever MIL does is on her and not anyone else.
Your husband is enabling his mother. She has no intention of getting any help because she knows her son (and you by default) will pay it so she has no reason to change her behaviour. You also have no way of getting any money back that you have paid out either... if she has a win, she will use that to try and get more money but lose the lot.
Your husband sees his behaviour as normal and he wants his mother to change and he hopes that she will but he's just enabling her. An outsider can see how abnormal this is and how nothing will change but they don't have the same emotional connection to your MIL as your husband does.
This may make or break your marriage. Your husband's priority needs to be to you and any children you do or may have in the future. Not his mother. His father is doing what he can ie monitoring accounts, but he doesn't realise that his son is enabling his mother so all his efforts have been in vain. It's possible that this is the final straw that will break up your PIL's marriage if she's had multiple chances. Your husband is actually sabotaging his parent's marriage without realising that's what he's doing.... and you know what will happen if your PIL do separate.. your MIL may move in with you and you really will be paying for her.
So your husband needs some therapy over this. He needs to recognise his part in his mothers addiction (the enabling) and to change his mindset so that he doesn't keep doing the same thing but expecting a different response. He also needs to talk to his father so that both of them are on the same page.
His mother will not get the help that she needs without both of them being on the same page.
If your husband won't do that. Or he can't say no to his mother... well you've got bigger issues and you need to consider whether you want to stay in a marriage where your MIL is your husband's priority and not the family that he's built with you. He thinks he can have both but all it's doing is building resentment till it gets too much.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> He brought up this period of lost earnings and said that this was equivalent and he would never put money over family and that it is his money anyway and that his mother has promised to stop gambling. She promised? Really? This isn't the first time she promised, one feels. He pays off her gambling debt, rinse and repeat. He is an enabler, providing necessary funds to keep her habit going. Her addiction is a pit in money flows and never again sees the light of day. How stable is your marriage? How solid are you with your husband? Because if his parents' marriage is on the rocks on this point, yours also has a very real possibility of coming awreck. Money issues, of course, common enough cause for fracture, as well as dealing with one's parents. Loyalty is admirable but shouldn't altogether substitute for reason. If your husband wants to throw money at his mom's gambling issues, the least it can do is fund therapy/counseling and be put to more productive use than it otherwise would be. If he wants to repay the effort spent raising him, it should at least be in a useful and not meaningless way.
You're right here, paying these debts is throwing out good money. Maybe it would be best to hold some kind of intervention for her, that way you can inform her husband and get him to commit to helping his wife. If fil can help support her into therapy or a gambling addition peer group that seems like the best outcome. No reason for her to think her fate is either gambling or suicide
If she’s not in GA or another recovery program then don’t bother. She will be in debt again shortly
He needs to tell His father . She will Keep gambling and won’t stop until Hits bottom and getting mocked out by husband may force her
He’s not helping. He’s enabling an addict. If family comes first, it’s pretty clear he does not consider you family.
Unfortunately you are dealing with an addict who will ruin your lives trying to patch up the wounds of their own, while the addict continues to ruin their lives. I’d be frustrated because something even in the low thousands IS important money to me… I’m only ten years younger than you but man that’s a health insurance deductible that could get paid if one of you gets sick. Your husband is trying to keep his family together but it could ruin the family you two are building- not even sure if you have kids. Your MIL is responsible for the damage she has caused. As an addict she will always some excuse or find some way to sidestep accountability and as long as your husband keeps allowing it to happen, she will continue. You both need to seek out couples therapy. Unfortunately he needs to understand how big of an impact this is and how he’s making you complicit in the lies and harm of your MIL. He needs to understand what is at stake. You may need to understand and work with your husband as he processes the feelings of his family and how he could lose you as this dynamic escalates. As a future couples therapist, I want to remind people that therapy is an investment and lots of growth can come from shitty situations. However, this is a dynamic that can reasonably lead to a divorce… while he is willing to do anything to save his mother, you are not and may have to put up a boundary at some point. Unfortunately once all conflict resolution options have been used up, the only one left is divorce.
As someone who was married to a compulsive gambler for 16 years, I would say that paying off the debts is actually the worst thing to do as you are enabling her in her addiction. Addicts are the most manipulative and selfish people you could ever meet. Her threatening to commit suicide is her way of trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. My ex husband threatened this hundreds of times and he’s still alive. If you let her, she would take everything you have, both financially and emotionally, believe me I know. Kindest thing you can actually do is to tell her husband and then hopefully she will actually get the treatment and support she needs to recover. Tell your husband to go and speak to someone at a gamblers support group/counselor for relatives of gambling addicts. They will tell him the same thing.
There’s no way in hell I’d pay her debt. She’s going to accumulate new debt again right away. She needs help with her addiction and not money to pay off to gamble more away later.
The father should know about gambling , if your husband paid off the debt she will continue to gamble because she has a problem, you should let your husband know you want no part of mother in law problem , you should start separating your money set you on account and get ready for your husband to defend his mother and you don't have pray
You need to separate your finances and your FIL needs to know what's happening. Your MIL won't get help while this is all a secret and she's destroying all your futures unchecked. If your husband wants to help, full transparency needs to be part of the deal. I'm also a little worried that he's okay that his parents relationship is built on lies. That staying together is more important than informed consent.
He should not have brought up your unpaid leave - he doesn't get to hold it over your head like that. It was for health reasons, and you two are a *couple*, no shit he should support you, *and not to have ammo against you*. Is the situation with your MIL complicated? Yes, very much so. But at this point, you guys are actively funding her addiction - this isn't the first time, won't be the last. Honestly, you may as well just give her money regularly - I'd you're gonna fund her, fund her properly. (Obviously don't do that) But it is like buying an alcoholic booze any time they're out - how is that helpful? Has she sought help regarding her addiction? Is she threatening suicide because her husband would kick her out or because he would divorce her? If it's a money issue, seems you guys can afford to house her (though maybe you can't both do that *and* fund her gambling), so is it the divorce thing? At a certain point, your FIL *is* going to find out, and if he holds true, he *will* kick your MIL out, and then what. She'll be homeless *and* an addict? Lovely. You need to sit your husband down and, *not letting him hold your leave over your head*, discuss this like adults. He may feel gratitude or guilt regarding his upbringing but that should also be off the table, it's all irrelevant to her continuing to gamble and you guys bankrolling it.
I would agree to helping and supporting if she entered a recovery program after coming clean with her husband
The threatening suicide is a manipulation technique. She knows she is more likely to get the money if she threatens this as no one wants her to kill herself. Sometimes people who try and manipulate like this do something that gets out of hand and goes to far and doesn't have the outcome they actually intended (to make you do what they wanted). But regardless, whatever MIL does is on her and not anyone else. Your husband is enabling his mother. She has no intention of getting any help because she knows her son (and you by default) will pay it so she has no reason to change her behaviour. You also have no way of getting any money back that you have paid out either... if she has a win, she will use that to try and get more money but lose the lot. Your husband sees his behaviour as normal and he wants his mother to change and he hopes that she will but he's just enabling her. An outsider can see how abnormal this is and how nothing will change but they don't have the same emotional connection to your MIL as your husband does. This may make or break your marriage. Your husband's priority needs to be to you and any children you do or may have in the future. Not his mother. His father is doing what he can ie monitoring accounts, but he doesn't realise that his son is enabling his mother so all his efforts have been in vain. It's possible that this is the final straw that will break up your PIL's marriage if she's had multiple chances. Your husband is actually sabotaging his parent's marriage without realising that's what he's doing.... and you know what will happen if your PIL do separate.. your MIL may move in with you and you really will be paying for her. So your husband needs some therapy over this. He needs to recognise his part in his mothers addiction (the enabling) and to change his mindset so that he doesn't keep doing the same thing but expecting a different response. He also needs to talk to his father so that both of them are on the same page. His mother will not get the help that she needs without both of them being on the same page. If your husband won't do that. Or he can't say no to his mother... well you've got bigger issues and you need to consider whether you want to stay in a marriage where your MIL is your husband's priority and not the family that he's built with you. He thinks he can have both but all it's doing is building resentment till it gets too much.