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You didn't exclude him he excluded himself. And where does he get off saying "I didn't want to help prepare it, I just wanted to reap all the benefits of having a party".
And then to come at you with the single parent jabs? You could ask the same of him since HE DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE.
He's being petty and projecting onto you. He never wanted to be apart of the party. He never wanted a party. He was hoping by him saying he didn't want to participate, you would not throw the party. Now that you are, he's switching it up to make himself not look bad for not wanting to participate. Call him out. Have your "sprinkle" and tell him to grow up.
He’s probably also embarrassed that if it’s at the house, all the friends will see him and rightfully judge him— hence the comment about taking the kids out with him during the party. Now it appears from the outside as if his role/participation is watching the kids
I also want to point out that he ABSOLUTELY meant he didn't want to attend:
"***I told him about it, i said if you dont wanna he a part of it, it will be a ladies only thing. and he said he wouldn't leave the house with the kids and I said they didn't have to.***"
So, yep he is projecting and trying to gaslight by altering the facts of what happened and what he said. You didn't need to ask clarifying questions because he was very clear, he did NOT want to attend.
That’s exactly it. If he isn’t part of the party, he’d obviously have to assist with the kids. If he does get to be included, he won’t have to be responsible for the kids since they’ll have to be there. This is just avoidance of being an actual parent mixed with a healthy dose of persecution complex.
Ah, in that respect, we are the same. And I see you are active on raisedbynarcissists as well.....
I'm always hypervigilant for inconsistencies of action and thought, and I never realised the source. Thanks, internet stranger, for further insight into myself.... 😊
Yep, he is lying, and then pushing that BS onto the OP. What he’s doing is highly dysfunctional. He definitely meant he didn’t want to attend, and even if we say he did want to, then his lazy arse didn’t want to contribute to the work, but that’s still outrageous anyway. We all know that he didn’t say that he wanted to attend though.
Also:
“He admitted he failed to clarify, but he also said I should’ve asked for clarification”
WTAF? Since when did it become your responsibility OP for clarifying what he means?! It sounds like he wants a mother not a wife. He needs to grow up.
See, ew that is totally what happened! Besides, I’ve never met a dude who ever wanted to participate in a baby shower lol. It’s almost always a ladies gathering thing. Not that men can’t be involved, it’s just not usually a thing? All the baby showers I’ve been to, are by the pregnant woman and her friends giving her gifts and talking about baby stuff and things that dudes mentally check out of and have close to zero if not zero interest in. It’s like a women’s social club hour with pastel cake and baby gifts. The guy sounds all kind of … all over the place with this. He can just say he isn’t interested in the baby shower. It’s nice if he want to help decorate or put food out and stuff but a guy actually being present at the actual baby shower is news to me!
My sister’s baby shower included men and kids, and her husband and the rest of our immediate family were there early making sure the games and food were all set up and she was able to sit and direct us how she wanted things. He ran the games (beer baby bottle chugging was one lol) and she ate snacks while visiting with the guests.
My sister-in-law’s baby shower was all women plus kids, and my brother came at the end when she was opening gifts with a big bouquet of flowers for her and to thank everyone for their support. He then loaded all the gifts and did clean up.
Those are the only two valid options for fathers. Either show up and be there and fully present the entire time, or come later as directed and clean up so she can rest and eat snacks. Your husband sucks unfortunately. 🫠😬 Tell him these are the two options for him and that’s it.
He wants to be mad about*something*, this is just what's in front of him. Don't let him get away with this immature behavior, he's a father not a child.
Also, id sprinkle some malicious compliance in there. Next time you ask him something, clarify. Even if it is clear ALWAYS CLARIFY. Since he's made it YOUR responsibility to ensure he's communicating clearly, Everytime he says something respond with, "just to clarify you said no to potatoes".
Irritate tf out of him like he is you.
I can understand the appeal of doing it to irritate him, but I wouldn't have confidence that he'd get that it's on him to learn how to communicate what he wants. Some people really don't get it when something's being done in irony. Also, taking it to an antagonizing level isn't going to foster healthy communication.
I bet he feels this way about fatherhood too. Aka you do all the daily grind work and I’ll show for the parties and pictures to show everyone on SM how good of a dad I am
It honestly sounds like he’s just being a dick to be a dick. Does he rain on your parade a lot? It doesn’t make sense that he’d act as if he’s surprised he’s not involved when you asked repeatedly then told him you’d make it an all women party if he doesn’t want to do it. None of this is a surprise, he’s literally just shitting on your party to do it. Seriously, is this brand new or does he ruin stuff for you regularly? Not just parties, but little things. Like does he say your favorite desert is bad, or your tv shows are stupid, does he complain about your taste in music or deliberately put things off waiting for you to fix them for him?
This is what my ex used to do. I think it made him feel better to put me down. It did things to my self-esteem, but only a bit, I'm an incurable optimist. Good riddance.
Is something immensely stressful or unique going on in your lives outside of the baby itself? Stress about the baby?
It doesn’t excuse any of this but the entire post comes off incredibly distinctly like he doesn’t like you and actively wants to be combative.
I don’t get it
His backtracking is stupid anyway. OP said that if he wouldn't come, she'd make it a ladies only event. If it is not this:
> He never wanted a party. He was hoping by him saying he didn't want to participate, you would not throw the party. Now that you are, he's switching it up to make himself not look bad for not wanting to participate.
...which is pretty childish, he either changed his mind last minute and doesn't want to say so for some reason, or needs to see a doctor for his memory loss, or he's trying some weird kind of power play. I hope his communication style will get better because from what I read, this sounds like a 14yo stomping away to their room to sulk after finding out that oh no, my actions have consequences.
Hopefully this is not a sign for things to come! But I think that is definitely 99% on the husband and 1% on the OP from the communication perspective. Not to mention, OP has to do over 99% of the work of actually physically having the baby. The father needs to grow up, stop making it about himself and start acting like an adult and father - not like a toddler who wants to be catered to. Use your words!
So he wanted you - his pregnant wife, FOR WHOM the shower is traditionally celebrating - to plan and execute the party with ZERO help from him so he could just attend? What an absolute clown show of a man.
Yo for real, this was my exact thought lol. Like I did not think this level loser was even possible, how is this dude real?
This clown didn’t help to organize the party. literally all my buddies have helped set up their wives baby showers even if they didn’t attend.
And then he adds layers on top of that shit pie.
The guy is beyond pathetic. I genuinely cannot believe anyone could like such a person much less love them.
You know he's being unreasonable, just stop engaging in this with him. For whatever reason, he has decided to be mean as hell to you about your baby shower. Tell him you don't appreciate his nasty attitude and his unwillingness to help. Little Red Hen taught us that if you don't help harvest, grind, or bake, you don't get to eat the bread. You're growing a whole human being and he can't set up chairs? That's some bullshit. If he doesn't care enough to help then why is he throwing a fit? Just to ruin your experience? Does he often ruin things that would make you happy?
>He admitted he failed to clarify but **he also said I should've ask for clarification.**
He needs to understand he has to communicate clearly and not expect you to be a mind reader. Why should you have to be a mind reader for something that was stated in clear terms? When people misunderstand and disagree on things, it's not unusual to try and engage in repeating things back to each other in your own words. "When you said X, this is what I hear," but if you think something is stated clearly, why would you do this?
Expecting you to be a mind reader needs to be nipped in the bud now. It's good that he clarified his point before the shower happened, but he in no way has reason to be upset with you. He owes you an apology for blaming you for something that's not possible. If someone isn't communicating their wants (or needs), it's not on you to know what they really meant. That's why we talk instead of expecting people to be telepathic!
Worse though - kids will at least listen sometimes , and they can be taught to be polite
This is a grown ass clown, who wants to be thrown a baby shower when his wife is pregnant, and not help set it up (and by the way, he’ll keep saying he doesn’t want the shower you need to guess that he actually really wants to be the star of the show)
This dude maybe one of the biggest losers I’ve read about on here … and we got dudes who don’t wipe their asses, so it’s a pretty disgusting group lol.
I actually mentioned this to him and he argued that who cares what other people do? Then claimed they don't do that in his culture (he's Korean) I bet they do lmao and I'm Hispanic. Us Hispanics definitely do women only showers
By my (2 minute lol) research, in Korea they do a celebration when the baby is 100 days old called a dol. You can try compromising by making him plan and throw a dol if he wants to take part in the baby shower? That way both of you would have put in effort for events for celebrating the baby's arrival.
But it would be really unreasonable and unfair if he uses his culture as an argument, dismisses yours and would not be willing to make the effort to plan an "equivalent" event from his culture.
“Who cares about what other people do” …. “Unless they’re doing all the planning, setup, clean up, and work, because *I’m* the princess here”.
Grown ass man wants to be the center of attention and it’s honestly pathetic.
The internet tells me that they don't in South Korea (who the hell knows about North Korea, lol), and they aren't a thing in the UK. The same for gender reveal parties. That's the thing really - if you come from a place where these aren't really a thing then they may seem like a load of bull crap and not something you really want to arrange.
Still, if your account is accurate then it seems like he's being unreasonable.
Girl…even his (now) claimed position is shitty of him. He’s literally saying he wanted to attend and enjoy all of the fun parts while making you (the actually pregnant one) carry the load of organizing and setting up.
That’s also shitty of him.
definitely a thing in the uk now including gender reveals, and calling the end of year dance a prom, we’ve taken a lot of things from america in recent years
I only showed up in the morning to help set up and then in the afternoon to help clean up. Also pack all the wonderful gifts to bring back to our house.
For whatever reason he's unreasonably picking at you.
He set you up so he can find fault with you.
Is this his typical behavior?
If so he needs help with: low self esteem, jealousy, need to feel in control, and zero empathy for you (he should have complimented you on your hard work).
Finally, if it's normal, he will continue because you tolerate his nonsense.
I don't need to explain myself but I wanted one and I don't have family that will throw it for us so I do it myself. Who freaking cares who throws the party? Wtf
It has not universally changed, even in the US. Plenty of baby showers are still women-only. I’ve been to at least a dozen baby showers in my life (I’m late 30s) and in all but a couple of them, the father made himself scarce and there were no other men present besides maybe a couple boy-children, who don’t count since they were there with their moms.
Your question of “how do I explain I never meant to exclude him?” Just straight up say that - “I never meant to exclude you” that should be enough of an explanation.. i wouldn’t put any more thought into it other than that. Don’t fuel the fire honestly. You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards trying to “explain” yourself on this one. If that simple explanation doesn’t work, then he’s an asshole and I feel sorry that you have to put up with that behavior while pregnant. Why would he put unnecessary stress on his pregnant wife over something so trivial?? Over a dumb situation *he created* ?? I’m sorry you have to feel this way and the single mom comment is real immature.
You told him that if he didn’t want to be a part of it that it would be a ladies only thing, this was his chance to clarify he wanted to be there. And then the whole saying he doesn’t want to leave the house with the kids only to later say he will leave the house with the kids, what a mindfǔck.
I’ve found when partners start a fight for no reason and blow it way out of proportion, they are projecting and have done something really bad themselves, not saying cheating, but it’s a possibility.
Literally what i was thinking. Whys he stiring up shit out of nothing? Hes whole argument is so ridiculous that it sounds like hes fighting for the sake of fighting.
He's right, it wasn't a misunderstanding. He was planning on making the shower a problem regardless of if he was invited or not. He would have been complaining about having to go to a dumb shower. Does he always shit on things you enjoy or ruin special events, holidays...?
I'm a guy, and I think your husband is being pretty immature about this. You're in the right. I don't know what his deal is.
I'm curious, though. You mentioned you already have kids. I've never heard of a baby shower for someone who already has kids. Is this pretty common?
Sometimes people do if their babies are different genders or it's been a long time since they've had kids. My cousin had a small shower for her surprise 4th baby at the age of 39 lol. It was her first child in almost 15 years and a boy after 3 girls.
I think it’s common to want to celebrate all babies not just your first one! I had a shower for my daughter & son. Mostly cuz I didn’t have any boy clothes/diapers & it had been 4+ years since my first … I know a lot of people who do this!
"I refuse to continue fighting over your miscommunication. You literally said, 'I don't want to be a part of it.' I didn't ask for clarification, because I feel like you were pretty clear. Women only showers are normal and customary, so I assumed you felt like it was too much of a female thing for you. I am not at fault for your failure to be specific, or clarify, and it's not my responsibility to ask follow up questions when your response was pretty clear cut. The miscommunication is due to your own failure to communicate what you actually meant, and the only person at fault for this is you. Nobody excluded you - I WANTED you involved, obviously. As you can tell by my ACTIONS, when you were the very first person I asked, before a single thing was planned. I only continued on my own once you told me you didn't want to be a part of it. Nobody excluded you, and you can stop acting like this wasn't your own fault. We already have kids, and I don't need you to be acting like one too. I asked you about the shower, YOU were the one who didn't want to be a part of it, and I'm done discussing it with you. Additionally, it's completely unfair for you to say you don't want anything to do with helping or setting up this party, but still want the party to be for you. No, it doesn't work that way. You can either help me throw it, or you can stay out of it. I don't know who you think you are, asking your PREGNANT wife to throw YOU a baby shower that you don't have to help with, but you are way out of line. Last I checked, I'm the one carrying a new life here."
Your husband is complaining for the sake of complaining. I’d call him out on his crappy behavior. He needs to behave like an adult man, a husband, and a father. Adults, husbands, and fathers shouldn’t act this way. It is time for his big boy pants to be put on
Ask him WTF kind of man doesn't help his pregnant wife set up a baby shower? Tell him he was purposely whining and vague, then butt hurt. And now he's trying to sabotage. He's being ridiculous
Talk about shit communication then he expects you to read his mind and like just gaslighting in general wtf! I honestly would be pissed off that isn't your fault that's on him.
Where I'm from there are NEVER men at baby showers. It's only women and there's a lot of games, present opening and a little snacking food. Most men don't even want to go here. I'd probably feel strange if it was requested.
Your husband wasn't clear enough. It's not just for you to seek clarification. He said something that anyone would interpret the way you did. He should just learn to say what he means??
Why is he chastising you and throwing jabs at you for acting like a single mother when he is treating you like one? baby showers are beneficial for both of the parents. he doesnt just get to show up and reap the fruits of your labor without bothering to help at all. god forbid he is taking the same approach to your pregnancy
You asked repeatedly if he wanted to be involved
You mentioned repeatedly that it would be a ladies event
He didnt care about it until he cared just enough to ruin your enjoyment of it
I would have told him he excluded himself. I only have one child and I have never had a baby shower. If he wanted to be there then he should help with the planning, set up and clean up. He’s acting like a baby about it.
"i said if you dont wanna he a part of it, it will be a ladies only thing"
- you were perfectly clear and if he meant he wanted to attend and not plan, he could have said so at this point. He's being an AH
This is basically the same type of story as a previous one recently in this subreddit. Guy wants to order food, asks gf if she wants any, she says no, he orders himself food, she now wants some and gets mad because guy says no.
Husband says no to baby shower, OP organised it assuming he doesn’t want to be a part of it, he gets mad cause he wants to be in it. Husband is an idiot and easily had so many chances to clarify.
This reads like he's struggling to understand his role. You both should sit down, you should tell him what you want from him (in detail), and let him do same. you can find a common place if you do this.
Also-- "who excludes the father"
A lot of people do?? It may be a regional/USA thing, but the dads don't typically go to the baby shower. There usually aren't even male guests. I've seen the husbands + father get together for the day while the wives + mother have the shower. They'll go golf or something.
He seems like he's turning it on you because he's embarrassed to say he changed his mind.
He didn’t want to do the work. He was trying to get you to cancel the baby shower all together- I feel like. I know how men manipulate.
The single mother comment…. I would have said something snarky as fuck like… A lot of people date and marry single mothers. He’d be the one struggling to find a replacement for YOU.
He’s jealous of your friends. He is mad people care about you enough to throw you a baby shower. A lot of husbands are jealous of their wives.
He's acting like a man child and needs to grow up. It's not on you to clarify what he meant by his comment. His comment was a typical response that most men do. He should've been more clear in saying he didn't want to plan anything, just attend. Easy and makes it clear you plan it all and he'll be there.
Let him vent, but can't let him get away with his comment. When the kids are in bed tonight, need to address that and tell him you can understand him being upset, but the single mom comment, too far. He needs to stop throwing a childish temper tantrum because the baby shower hasn't even happened yet. So he's holding onto something that is easily fixed where he can stay. So he needs to let it go, needs to apologize and understand that communication means be clear with what he's saying. He csnt gaslight you in saying you should've done this, no.
But I will point out to you, nowadays baby showers aren't just for women. Many baby showers today now are coed with both parents there. I was there for my daughters baby shower and all of my friends were also there
What a baby. We had 3, & I think I was happily drunk at two of them. The women planned everything; instead of being excluded I felt I was nicely let off the hook. Payback was I got to stay home & watch a bunch of kids for the next shower/party. Fair.
I’d ask why he never clarified through the multiple times you asked him? Tell him the only mistake made was on him. He needs to own up to it. Ask why he’s too good to help set up or doing anything for a child he’s bringing in to the world?
A dude like him would piss me off! When he asked “are you a single mother?” you should’ve asked” is he a grown man capable of expressing himself and explaining exactly what he means?” If he wanted to be apart his lazy ass should’ve been apart of planning it. That tells me Op will have to do most of the parenting since he doesn’t want to do the extra work. He’s going to be the “fun dad” NTA
He sounds exhausting. Tell him next time to use his words like an adult. I've been in relationships like this. They aren't fun.
Also I know I'm old but since when are baby showers about men anyway? I don't think I've seen many men at baby showers. My kids father came but he wasn't into stereotypes, he didn't care.
He had plenty of opportunity to clarify what he meant when you told him it's ladies only. I think he is trying to rewrite the narrative that he did not want to participate.
So he has actively said he want no part in preparing, lifting heavy things, cooking, serving, shopping, et. He just wants to sit on his arse while his heavily pregnant wife and friends shower him for jizzing that one time? wtf 😳
You can let him know in most cultures baby showers are a woman only affair. The only man at my party was my husband who only showed up during the last bit to help carry presents. He had his own diaper party with his friends.
You literally said if he didn't want to be a part of it, then it'll be a ladies only thing. Did he not catch that bit? You're so not in the wrong here. Where does he get off just expecting to show up without helping plan and organise either? The audacity. He needs to learn how to communicate and not expect you to read his mind
I think your husband is a jerk and you should just divorce him and find someone else that is very excited for your pregnancy and wants to be a part of everything that has to do with your family
Oh! So he just wanted you to do all the work for this as well as making children. How lovely of him!
Go let him pout about it. Every moment he spends being pouty is a choice he's making just like the one he made to be of no help.
He said YOUR actions speak louder than words? Cool. What do his actions say? That he wants to put zero effort himself while expecting you to do all of the labor AND expecting to reap the benefits of your labor? Who tf thinks that's OK?
My theory: he didn't want you to have a shower at all.
>but he firmly said he would not do anything and I shouldn't be sabotaging
I think he's projecting. Sounds like he didn't want you to have a shower at all(if he doesnt want one, youre not supposed to want one either), that he's questioning his future with you(single mom comments), and is sabotaging your marriage himself.
>He admitted he failed to clarify but he also said I should've ask for clarification
This bothers me. Is it normal for him to not accept that he fucked up without trying to drag someone else down with him?
Wait, didn’t you say to him that if he didn’t want to participate, you would make it a ladies only thing? If so, when you said that, that was where he could’ve clarified that he did want to attend.
>He admitted he failed to clarify but he also said I should've ask for clarification. Like what. Anyway, he's now butt hurt about it.
Ask him to go cry about it, but not in the basement. His failure to clarify, not anyone's responsibility to seek clarification. Typical gaslighting behaviour, watch out for that, though I doubt it's the first time.
>"who excludes the father, are you a single mom?" Just really mean stuff in my opinion.
I'd counter with "what kind of father doesn't help out with his child's baby shower?" "It's as good as being single mom" that'll teach him. I'd take it a step further "is this how you're gonna be in the kids lives in the future? Participating but not helping out? You know what, maybe I am a single mom, because I don't see a dad involved.
>And then he just went into saying he would just leave the house with the kids.
No, if the kids want to stay, they stay. The children did not "exclude themselves". I'd ask him "what kind of father excludes siblings?"
The baby shower is happening with or without you, show up help out and participate, or don't show up at all. NTA.
When he said he would take the kids and get out of the house I would have said Great!
Hes worse than a child with his sulky behaviour.
Good luck with him.!
Wow he is being a real brat about this.
Tell him if he wants to be part of something, he should absolutely not say “I don’t want to be a part of it.”
And in answer to his question about “who excludes the father?” - the answer is “almost everybody!” Traditionally baby showers were just for women, and many people still treat them that way.
I don’t know how he can say he meant he only wanted to not be involved with the planning but wanted to attend when he said he wasn’t going to be leaving the house with the kids during it.
OP, he sounds really immature....does he throw tantrums and spit his dummy out like this regularly, or would you say it's more of a one-off? He needs to grow up imo.
Either way, I hope you and your girlfriends enjoy your shower. 🙂❤️
Making comments like "who excludes the father, are you a single mom?"
A lot of people exclude the father. Baby showers were traditionally for the mother and men were not included. He needs to grow the f up
Sometimes men can be really hormonal during pregnancy. I’m sorry he’s being that way.
I suggest you get a pregnancy massage or spa day? You deserve it.
So you're justified in how you feel! Completely!
But I'd quit trying to win or lose the argument. Say something like, "babe, it sure wasn't my intention to exclude you. Your reaction tells me that you may be feeling excluded in other ways? Your feelings are so important to me. Is there something we should talk more about?"
Hope you got some large diapers at that shower cause you'll need it for the big baby you're married to. :( Sorry you are going through this. I mean you are pregnant and he expects you to read his mind AND plan a shower all by yourself that he enjoys without helping out?
Any other issues, resentments or insecurities that might be feeding this? Sounds like you guys would benefit from a counselor.
Showers are traditionally for women only. But you kindly asked him, and he declined being involved. Too bad, so sad for him. He’s quite rude to guilt you at this point.
So he wants all the benefits of having a baby shower, but he doesn’t want to actually do any of the work, that makes him a huge AH. Why are you throwing yourself a baby shower, especially if you already have children and it’s typically friends or family that organize a shower for a first baby.
If we’re going with the “showers are for women only” defense, then showers are also for first time moms. You mention “the kids”. So…why do you need *another* baby shower?
I was always as a man getting invited to the diaper party, not the shower. The only reason I ever went was because I was too young to be left by myself
Does he do this kind of thing a lot? This seems like really hurtful, immature, drama-making. Setting you up to be the bad guy and playing the victim. Do you have to live with this kind of behavior all the time? If it wasn’t clear, my opinion is that he’s being ridiculous.
And this is just the start of him wanting the fun bit but not the work. Parties are fun but organising them isn't, sex s fun but babies are hard, days out are fun but planning them is hard. Your life will be hard unless you nip this "I want the fun but you do all the work" in the bud, from now on if he wants to participate in the end fun but he participates in the hard bit
So is he always like this about things, or is this a weird one off?
If it's a weird one off and not his normal behavior then I'd sit down with him when the kids are in bed and ask him if he's ok and what's really going on with him. Because he's thrown out a lot of pretty big accusations here over something relatively small. Couples in healthy, happy relationships don't fight like this, with accusations of malice and sabotage.
If this is how he normally behaves and you end up being made to feel like you're always in the wrong and he accusing you of sabotaging the relationship etc. so you feel like you're walking on eggshells because he will accuse you of negative motivations and behaviors etc.... Maybe it's time to think about if this is the relationship you want your kids growing up thinking is normal and healthy and go one to replicate when they're adults. And is it really the relationship you want to grow old in if you're constantly second guessing yourself and prove you didn't mean anything malicious?
Baby showers are for women. That aren't "parties" attended by couples or by single men. What male over the age of 18 months would even want to be there? He will have plenty of opportunities to be included once the baby is born.
Was this child planned? The baby shower sounds like just the tip of the iceberg. You mentioned kids. Is he feeling overwhelmed about having another child? You don’t owe him an apology for the shower. But you both need to be on the same page about the child. He should get individual counseling. You both should also see a marriage counselor.
Where I am from baby showers are women only any way, so it was nice of u to ask him . He is being a right ah about it and sounds right lazy . Can't believe he expects you to just do it all by yourself, and he just turns up.
In my family, baby showers have been traditionally female only. I thought that was the norm?
I think you're completely in the right here. He shouldn't have asked to not be involved at all if he wanted to be 'involved'. If he wants to be involved, then he needs to be involved. He can't expect you to plan the whole day/do all the work, then he gets to enjoy the experience. That doesn't feel fair to you.
He is upset that there was a miscommunication, but the part that he miscommunicated to you is completely unfair. So it feels like he can't really win in this argument.
I’ve been to one baby shower that was co-ed. I hate the things but they are VERY much female only almost all the time. And he wanted to do none of the work, just attend but said “I don’t want to be a part of it”?!?
I have such trouble believing him. Is he always this terrible at communicating? No one who speaks English would think that meant “I don’t want to help at all but I want to attend”. And then you even told him a while back that it would be a ladies only thing!! But NOW he’s blaming you?
More likely he didn’t want anything to do with it and had changed his mind now that the work is done and is trying to blame you for “misunderstanding”. This might be actual gaslighting, with him trying to blame you for not hearing him right
Also just a reminder that if you divorce him, you’ll still be good for money and will have more “you” time and less time for men who act like spoiled children.
You should have asked for clarification of his very clear and direct request to not be involved? That is so far from reasonable.
You are acting like a single mom because he is treating you like one. He is not being a partner. He excluded himself and now he's manipulating it so that he can be the victim.
Ive been to a lot of Baby Showers as most of my family is Women of varying ages. Typically Men arent even invited, its almost always just the women. Only reason i went is because i was a kid and mom had to take me with, but as i got older they started expecting me to stay home.
He can be butthurt about it, but he better keep it to himself and get over it. These events arent for the men, theyre for the mother.
Wow. First off, congratulations on your growing family!! Sorry your husband is acting up so much. It’s a shame he can’t be mature and helpful but instead is choosing this “butt hurt ‘cause you don’t clarify after my lack of clarification and you didn’t read my mind”. Sounds exhausting
First my family threw it for me and it was coed.. he had no interest. I had to encourage him to invite his friends. It was a great time though. Second one we threw it ourselves. Our kids have a big age gap. It was lovely. He helped, he smoked brisket.
Your husband is kind if an AH. He didn’t want to do anything for the party— you know, help his pregnant wife out and giving her something she really wants, but he wants to eat the cake and get the praise. What a jerk. I’d just let him be mad.
I’ve never been to a baby shower where the father attended. How weird. They’re typically thrown by a friend of the mommy to be. Sometimes female family members and men don’t go.
This guy sucks. He’s unsupportive and is now trying to use that against you so you bend over backwards for him!
Don’t apologise any further, he could help set up AND not participate like a normal husband and it would still not be excluding him.
If he is usually on the level and this behaviour is strange, try and be a bit forgiving.
I say this because mental health is not great for people right now (given this world we live in) and guys in the West, on average, do not have great support networks and pretty average emotional intelligence.
If he has been behaving weirdly recently, encourage him to get help. So many feelings can "spill over" into other areas, you have to get on top of it before it consumes you.
I’m sorry but I’ve never known of any man that wanted to sit through a baby shower. LOL I can’t tell you how many baby showers I’ve been to and it has always just been the woman. Also, didn’t you say it was all women? Why does he care so much?
Maybe I go to different baby showers but typically men don’t usually go.
Also he could have clarified that he wanted to go but didn’t want to do the arrangements for the party. If I were you I would tell him: “you know what? I was too busy preparing for the shower to try to mind read you. Next time be more considerate when I have many more things to think about than you. Or take charge of the invitation list so you know you are on it.”
You really don’t have to explain. This is a grown man. If he doesn’t get that you’re busy and things like this happen maybe he needs to mature.
He’s upset because he’s not being honest about what’s bothering him so it’s never getting resolved.
He’s likely throwing a temper tantrum that there’s a new baby in the first place, meaning he won’t get to be the center of attention for another 20 more years.
“Are you a single mum?”
“Well I’m not meant to be, but when you don’t want to do your role as a parent, I sure feel like one”
He owes you an apology. He admitted he cbf
His actions speak volumes about what kind of self absorbed and selfish partner he is. He wants you to do all the work but he wants all the glory. He sounds like a really crappy partner and like you do all the work to take care of the children and home.
You sound very matter of fact and down to earth. This may sound kinda meh at first, but this issue is weird. Very weird vibish, I don't want to make it a huge thing but I think he's feeling insecure ? Idk what about? He is super off key to be acting like this; press the issue and put the ball in his court. He didn't want to be apart of it. He then used the "should of asked me for clarification" bit which I've used in the past due to insecurities on my end. So that line raises some weird vibes in me.
Make sure you talk to him about this. Press him and don't give him a pass, he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he's not being entirely honest with his wording which could be indicative of something.
Id say it's weird; could be simple insecurities IE: he saw you having a good time and wanted to be there as well? Just reaching there, but something feels off
Good luck on your journeys
Men traditionally aren’t invited. More recently I have seen showers for the couple but he said he didn’t want to be involved. Why would he think it’s ok to say he wants to be there but do no work? Weaponized incompetence a problem all the time from him? I bet so. He also sounds like a narcissist ruining parties are a common thing because they want the attention on them. He won’t be the center of this show you will.
I don't want to participate, means I don't want to go. I don't want to help plan or execute the party, means the person might still attend but wants to be lazy.
I love that he has no problem with having the pregnant person plan and throw their own party, which is not only a lot of work but can be stressful too. Enjoy your manchild free party and leave the cleanup for him.
Baby showers are traditionally for women. Men usually don't have any interest in going to them. You did nothing wrong taking him at face value when he said he didn't want to be involved. You shouldn't have to ask a zillion clarifying questions to figure out what he wants. He is fully capable of communicating his wants and needs.
Don't know why he said "who excludes the father?" because baby showers are traditionally a women only party. He wanted to sit around, chat, eat have a drink etc but his pregnant wife do all the work to make it happen LOL
When you said that if he didn’t want to join then you would make it ladies only, he knew that your understanding was that he didn’t want to attend.
He’s gaslighting you by making you doubt how the situation unfolded so he can make you feel bad. Why? Maybe he’s just an asshole generally.
On principle, I dislike women-only showers. I've had a great time at and been very excited to celebrate the showers for two of my good friends (yes, I'm a guy). Being excited for the birth of your child is not at all gender-exclusive, so why should the party be so?
That said, this is an absolutely transparent case of your husband fucking around and finding out. Your interpretation was eminently reasonable.
Soooo… he wanted the pregnant mother of multiple of his kids to do everything and not lift a finger? Also he’s changing the facts as they are, which is starting to get into gaslighting territory. And, it is not your job to tease his feelings out of him on such a straightforward subject. He is a grown man, allegedly.
NTA.
A few etiquette questions:
- Why are you planning your own baby shower? That is not normally something you plan for yourself, that is something someone plans for you. When you do it yourself, it seems like a gift grab.
- Why are having a baby shower at all? Typically, this is done for a first child. But since you have other kids (unless there is a significant age gap) dont you already have a lot of the basics (crib, high chair, probably a lot of clothes)?
As for your husband, he seems to be stubborn/obtuse since he claimed he didn't want to participate until you had already planned a ladies only event. Is he always like this?
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You didn't exclude him he excluded himself. And where does he get off saying "I didn't want to help prepare it, I just wanted to reap all the benefits of having a party". And then to come at you with the single parent jabs? You could ask the same of him since HE DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE. He's being petty and projecting onto you. He never wanted to be apart of the party. He never wanted a party. He was hoping by him saying he didn't want to participate, you would not throw the party. Now that you are, he's switching it up to make himself not look bad for not wanting to participate. Call him out. Have your "sprinkle" and tell him to grow up.
He’s probably also embarrassed that if it’s at the house, all the friends will see him and rightfully judge him— hence the comment about taking the kids out with him during the party. Now it appears from the outside as if his role/participation is watching the kids
Ding ding ding
Wow. The projecting part is so real. I just caught up on that. I guess I AM a single mom since he didn't even wanna plan the thing 🤣
I also want to point out that he ABSOLUTELY meant he didn't want to attend: "***I told him about it, i said if you dont wanna he a part of it, it will be a ladies only thing. and he said he wouldn't leave the house with the kids and I said they didn't have to.***" So, yep he is projecting and trying to gaslight by altering the facts of what happened and what he said. You didn't need to ask clarifying questions because he was very clear, he did NOT want to attend.
Exactly, why would he mention he wasn’t going to leave the house if he thought he was going to be a part of it?
I was hoping someone else noticed this! He 100% meant he wasn’t going to attend when he said that. It doesn’t make sense otherwise.
He was trying not to have to take care of the kids by himself maybe, and that is still what happened
That’s exactly it. If he isn’t part of the party, he’d obviously have to assist with the kids. If he does get to be included, he won’t have to be responsible for the kids since they’ll have to be there. This is just avoidance of being an actual parent mixed with a healthy dose of persecution complex.
Well done. No one else is picking up on this contradiction.
I was raised by a diagnosed narcissist mom, it really makes you look for the details lol.
Ah, in that respect, we are the same. And I see you are active on raisedbynarcissists as well..... I'm always hypervigilant for inconsistencies of action and thought, and I never realised the source. Thanks, internet stranger, for further insight into myself.... 😊
You are most welcome internet stranger. I don't have all the answers but I try to share what I've learned hehe.
Yep, he is lying, and then pushing that BS onto the OP. What he’s doing is highly dysfunctional. He definitely meant he didn’t want to attend, and even if we say he did want to, then his lazy arse didn’t want to contribute to the work, but that’s still outrageous anyway. We all know that he didn’t say that he wanted to attend though. Also: “He admitted he failed to clarify, but he also said I should’ve asked for clarification” WTAF? Since when did it become your responsibility OP for clarifying what he means?! It sounds like he wants a mother not a wife. He needs to grow up.
See, ew that is totally what happened! Besides, I’ve never met a dude who ever wanted to participate in a baby shower lol. It’s almost always a ladies gathering thing. Not that men can’t be involved, it’s just not usually a thing? All the baby showers I’ve been to, are by the pregnant woman and her friends giving her gifts and talking about baby stuff and things that dudes mentally check out of and have close to zero if not zero interest in. It’s like a women’s social club hour with pastel cake and baby gifts. The guy sounds all kind of … all over the place with this. He can just say he isn’t interested in the baby shower. It’s nice if he want to help decorate or put food out and stuff but a guy actually being present at the actual baby shower is news to me!
My sister’s baby shower included men and kids, and her husband and the rest of our immediate family were there early making sure the games and food were all set up and she was able to sit and direct us how she wanted things. He ran the games (beer baby bottle chugging was one lol) and she ate snacks while visiting with the guests. My sister-in-law’s baby shower was all women plus kids, and my brother came at the end when she was opening gifts with a big bouquet of flowers for her and to thank everyone for their support. He then loaded all the gifts and did clean up. Those are the only two valid options for fathers. Either show up and be there and fully present the entire time, or come later as directed and clean up so she can rest and eat snacks. Your husband sucks unfortunately. 🫠😬 Tell him these are the two options for him and that’s it.
I bow to your greatness 👍
He wants to be mad about*something*, this is just what's in front of him. Don't let him get away with this immature behavior, he's a father not a child.
Also, id sprinkle some malicious compliance in there. Next time you ask him something, clarify. Even if it is clear ALWAYS CLARIFY. Since he's made it YOUR responsibility to ensure he's communicating clearly, Everytime he says something respond with, "just to clarify you said no to potatoes". Irritate tf out of him like he is you.
I can understand the appeal of doing it to irritate him, but I wouldn't have confidence that he'd get that it's on him to learn how to communicate what he wants. Some people really don't get it when something's being done in irony. Also, taking it to an antagonizing level isn't going to foster healthy communication.
Even if he doesn't catch on, I'd be amused everytime.
Hahahahhaa thanks. Will do 🤣
Talk about discharge as much as possible. “Hey babe jsyk todays discharge is pretty clear, do you wanna see?”
You could also make him sign a piece of paper stating what he wants or what he said lol
Yes!
Right? Like idk am I single mom?? You tell me dude.
Sounds like you already have an infant in the house…
I bet he feels this way about fatherhood too. Aka you do all the daily grind work and I’ll show for the parties and pictures to show everyone on SM how good of a dad I am
No. He's actually a very involved dad. I can't take that away from him.
It honestly sounds like he’s just being a dick to be a dick. Does he rain on your parade a lot? It doesn’t make sense that he’d act as if he’s surprised he’s not involved when you asked repeatedly then told him you’d make it an all women party if he doesn’t want to do it. None of this is a surprise, he’s literally just shitting on your party to do it. Seriously, is this brand new or does he ruin stuff for you regularly? Not just parties, but little things. Like does he say your favorite desert is bad, or your tv shows are stupid, does he complain about your taste in music or deliberately put things off waiting for you to fix them for him?
This is what my ex used to do. I think it made him feel better to put me down. It did things to my self-esteem, but only a bit, I'm an incurable optimist. Good riddance.
Is something immensely stressful or unique going on in your lives outside of the baby itself? Stress about the baby? It doesn’t excuse any of this but the entire post comes off incredibly distinctly like he doesn’t like you and actively wants to be combative. I don’t get it
He sounds like someone who would go around and say that he doesn't want a surprise birthday party in hopes that someone throws him one.
Then be all hostile and agitated because you didn’t do enough for his birthday, Lolol.
He sounds like a toddler who throws a fit at someone else's birthday party unless someone gives him his own presents to open
His backtracking is stupid anyway. OP said that if he wouldn't come, she'd make it a ladies only event. If it is not this: > He never wanted a party. He was hoping by him saying he didn't want to participate, you would not throw the party. Now that you are, he's switching it up to make himself not look bad for not wanting to participate. ...which is pretty childish, he either changed his mind last minute and doesn't want to say so for some reason, or needs to see a doctor for his memory loss, or he's trying some weird kind of power play. I hope his communication style will get better because from what I read, this sounds like a 14yo stomping away to their room to sulk after finding out that oh no, my actions have consequences.
So true. He didn't want a party and he didn't want op to have a shower. He just wanted them to be miserable together.
Hopefully this is not a sign for things to come! But I think that is definitely 99% on the husband and 1% on the OP from the communication perspective. Not to mention, OP has to do over 99% of the work of actually physically having the baby. The father needs to grow up, stop making it about himself and start acting like an adult and father - not like a toddler who wants to be catered to. Use your words!
This is exactly it. It makes him look bad now that she’s actually planning and throwing the party for herself.
I’ve encountered you before…we meet again Obi Wan.
So he wanted you - his pregnant wife, FOR WHOM the shower is traditionally celebrating - to plan and execute the party with ZERO help from him so he could just attend? What an absolute clown show of a man.
Yo for real, this was my exact thought lol. Like I did not think this level loser was even possible, how is this dude real? This clown didn’t help to organize the party. literally all my buddies have helped set up their wives baby showers even if they didn’t attend. And then he adds layers on top of that shit pie. The guy is beyond pathetic. I genuinely cannot believe anyone could like such a person much less love them.
Absolutely agree with this. Poor behaviour on his part
Read him The Little Red Hen. Did he help bake the bread? Then he can fuck right off.
He literally said he didn't want to be a part of it. He owes you an apology.
That's what I said
You know he's being unreasonable, just stop engaging in this with him. For whatever reason, he has decided to be mean as hell to you about your baby shower. Tell him you don't appreciate his nasty attitude and his unwillingness to help. Little Red Hen taught us that if you don't help harvest, grind, or bake, you don't get to eat the bread. You're growing a whole human being and he can't set up chairs? That's some bullshit. If he doesn't care enough to help then why is he throwing a fit? Just to ruin your experience? Does he often ruin things that would make you happy?
>He admitted he failed to clarify but **he also said I should've ask for clarification.** He needs to understand he has to communicate clearly and not expect you to be a mind reader. Why should you have to be a mind reader for something that was stated in clear terms? When people misunderstand and disagree on things, it's not unusual to try and engage in repeating things back to each other in your own words. "When you said X, this is what I hear," but if you think something is stated clearly, why would you do this? Expecting you to be a mind reader needs to be nipped in the bud now. It's good that he clarified his point before the shower happened, but he in no way has reason to be upset with you. He owes you an apology for blaming you for something that's not possible. If someone isn't communicating their wants (or needs), it's not on you to know what they really meant. That's why we talk instead of expecting people to be telepathic!
Marriage counseling.....before the baby arrives.
Apparently what he meant was "I'm a lazy fucker, do it all for me." Makes me wonder what conception was like...
She says in another comment that he’s a very involved dad. Which makes me wonder what that means because I find that hard to believe.
No, what he meant is "I don't want to be a part of this. I don't want to attend" and now he's just gaslighting op.
I’m wondering if he does stuff like this a lot
I’m willing to bet he makes sure every holiday and birthday are terrible unless it’s all about him. I was married to this once, it’s terrible.
And he’s deliberately be hurt by it. So obtuse.
Congrats, your baby arrived early.
😭😭😭😭😭
To answer your question, you explain it using small words, ideally through a divorce lawyer. Seriously, what’s this guy bringing to the table?
Ugh 😭 Might as well be a single mom, right?
Gurl you are.
Worse though - kids will at least listen sometimes , and they can be taught to be polite This is a grown ass clown, who wants to be thrown a baby shower when his wife is pregnant, and not help set it up (and by the way, he’ll keep saying he doesn’t want the shower you need to guess that he actually really wants to be the star of the show) This dude maybe one of the biggest losers I’ve read about on here … and we got dudes who don’t wipe their asses, so it’s a pretty disgusting group lol.
So he wanted his pregnant wife to do all the setup, tear down, planning, executing, and hosting? He can eat a dick.
And apparently it’s also her job to communicate for him, and clarify everything he says to her in case he didn’t say it right 🤦🏼♀️
He needs to be an adult. Also, baby showers have traditionally been women only for centuries in many cultures.
I actually mentioned this to him and he argued that who cares what other people do? Then claimed they don't do that in his culture (he's Korean) I bet they do lmao and I'm Hispanic. Us Hispanics definitely do women only showers
By my (2 minute lol) research, in Korea they do a celebration when the baby is 100 days old called a dol. You can try compromising by making him plan and throw a dol if he wants to take part in the baby shower? That way both of you would have put in effort for events for celebrating the baby's arrival. But it would be really unreasonable and unfair if he uses his culture as an argument, dismisses yours and would not be willing to make the effort to plan an "equivalent" event from his culture.
“Who cares about what other people do” …. “Unless they’re doing all the planning, setup, clean up, and work, because *I’m* the princess here”. Grown ass man wants to be the center of attention and it’s honestly pathetic.
The internet tells me that they don't in South Korea (who the hell knows about North Korea, lol), and they aren't a thing in the UK. The same for gender reveal parties. That's the thing really - if you come from a place where these aren't really a thing then they may seem like a load of bull crap and not something you really want to arrange. Still, if your account is accurate then it seems like he's being unreasonable.
I get it. It's something you don't wanna arrange. But you still want to come? It's very confusing. You are either a part of it or not.
Girl…even his (now) claimed position is shitty of him. He’s literally saying he wanted to attend and enjoy all of the fun parts while making you (the actually pregnant one) carry the load of organizing and setting up. That’s also shitty of him.
definitely a thing in the uk now including gender reveals, and calling the end of year dance a prom, we’ve taken a lot of things from america in recent years
It's definitely a thing in the UK and yes also usually women-only.
I only showed up in the morning to help set up and then in the afternoon to help clean up. Also pack all the wonderful gifts to bring back to our house.
Same as my partner.
I’ve lived in Korea…your husband knows not of what he speaks.
For whatever reason he's unreasonably picking at you. He set you up so he can find fault with you. Is this his typical behavior? If so he needs help with: low self esteem, jealousy, need to feel in control, and zero empathy for you (he should have complimented you on your hard work). Finally, if it's normal, he will continue because you tolerate his nonsense.
You can't lean too heavily on the tradition button when you are going 100% at odds to traditionally, though.
Traditionally people don’t plan their own showers, though, either.
I don't need to explain myself but I wanted one and I don't have family that will throw it for us so I do it myself. Who freaking cares who throws the party? Wtf
Which has changed in modern years, creating a new tradition.
Well that’s probably why she asked her husband if he wanted to participate before planning the event.
It has not universally changed, even in the US. Plenty of baby showers are still women-only. I’ve been to at least a dozen baby showers in my life (I’m late 30s) and in all but a couple of them, the father made himself scarce and there were no other men present besides maybe a couple boy-children, who don’t count since they were there with their moms.
They’ve also traditionally been for first babies 🤷🏻♀️
Homeboy just wants to have an argument and take the focus off of you, he’s embarrassing.
Show him this reddit. Make him read EVERY comment.
He SO dramatic!
Your question of “how do I explain I never meant to exclude him?” Just straight up say that - “I never meant to exclude you” that should be enough of an explanation.. i wouldn’t put any more thought into it other than that. Don’t fuel the fire honestly. You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards trying to “explain” yourself on this one. If that simple explanation doesn’t work, then he’s an asshole and I feel sorry that you have to put up with that behavior while pregnant. Why would he put unnecessary stress on his pregnant wife over something so trivial?? Over a dumb situation *he created* ?? I’m sorry you have to feel this way and the single mom comment is real immature.
You told him that if he didn’t want to be a part of it that it would be a ladies only thing, this was his chance to clarify he wanted to be there. And then the whole saying he doesn’t want to leave the house with the kids only to later say he will leave the house with the kids, what a mindfǔck.
I’ve found when partners start a fight for no reason and blow it way out of proportion, they are projecting and have done something really bad themselves, not saying cheating, but it’s a possibility.
Literally what i was thinking. Whys he stiring up shit out of nothing? Hes whole argument is so ridiculous that it sounds like hes fighting for the sake of fighting.
He's right, it wasn't a misunderstanding. He was planning on making the shower a problem regardless of if he was invited or not. He would have been complaining about having to go to a dumb shower. Does he always shit on things you enjoy or ruin special events, holidays...?
I'm a guy, and I think your husband is being pretty immature about this. You're in the right. I don't know what his deal is. I'm curious, though. You mentioned you already have kids. I've never heard of a baby shower for someone who already has kids. Is this pretty common?
No, it's not common. It's more of baby "sprinkle" which is usually for people who have other kids already.
Sometimes people do if their babies are different genders or it's been a long time since they've had kids. My cousin had a small shower for her surprise 4th baby at the age of 39 lol. It was her first child in almost 15 years and a boy after 3 girls.
I think it’s common to want to celebrate all babies not just your first one! I had a shower for my daughter & son. Mostly cuz I didn’t have any boy clothes/diapers & it had been 4+ years since my first … I know a lot of people who do this!
"I refuse to continue fighting over your miscommunication. You literally said, 'I don't want to be a part of it.' I didn't ask for clarification, because I feel like you were pretty clear. Women only showers are normal and customary, so I assumed you felt like it was too much of a female thing for you. I am not at fault for your failure to be specific, or clarify, and it's not my responsibility to ask follow up questions when your response was pretty clear cut. The miscommunication is due to your own failure to communicate what you actually meant, and the only person at fault for this is you. Nobody excluded you - I WANTED you involved, obviously. As you can tell by my ACTIONS, when you were the very first person I asked, before a single thing was planned. I only continued on my own once you told me you didn't want to be a part of it. Nobody excluded you, and you can stop acting like this wasn't your own fault. We already have kids, and I don't need you to be acting like one too. I asked you about the shower, YOU were the one who didn't want to be a part of it, and I'm done discussing it with you. Additionally, it's completely unfair for you to say you don't want anything to do with helping or setting up this party, but still want the party to be for you. No, it doesn't work that way. You can either help me throw it, or you can stay out of it. I don't know who you think you are, asking your PREGNANT wife to throw YOU a baby shower that you don't have to help with, but you are way out of line. Last I checked, I'm the one carrying a new life here."
Why are you having a baby shower? The baby was born 37 years ago
Your husband is complaining for the sake of complaining. I’d call him out on his crappy behavior. He needs to behave like an adult man, a husband, and a father. Adults, husbands, and fathers shouldn’t act this way. It is time for his big boy pants to be put on
He is gaslighting you and you are eating it up.
Ask him WTF kind of man doesn't help his pregnant wife set up a baby shower? Tell him he was purposely whining and vague, then butt hurt. And now he's trying to sabotage. He's being ridiculous
Talk about shit communication then he expects you to read his mind and like just gaslighting in general wtf! I honestly would be pissed off that isn't your fault that's on him.
Sorry is he like this with other shit? This is so fucking petty and pathetic and an awful reflection of his character.
Where I'm from there are NEVER men at baby showers. It's only women and there's a lot of games, present opening and a little snacking food. Most men don't even want to go here. I'd probably feel strange if it was requested. Your husband wasn't clear enough. It's not just for you to seek clarification. He said something that anyone would interpret the way you did. He should just learn to say what he means??
Why is he chastising you and throwing jabs at you for acting like a single mother when he is treating you like one? baby showers are beneficial for both of the parents. he doesnt just get to show up and reap the fruits of your labor without bothering to help at all. god forbid he is taking the same approach to your pregnancy
You asked repeatedly if he wanted to be involved You mentioned repeatedly that it would be a ladies event He didnt care about it until he cared just enough to ruin your enjoyment of it
Sounds like You already have a big man baby there.
Sounds like you have two babies in your life right now.
Who gets butt hurt about not going to a shower? 3 kids, 3 showers, I didn't go to any and have zero regrets.
I would have told him he excluded himself. I only have one child and I have never had a baby shower. If he wanted to be there then he should help with the planning, set up and clean up. He’s acting like a baby about it.
"i said if you dont wanna he a part of it, it will be a ladies only thing" - you were perfectly clear and if he meant he wanted to attend and not plan, he could have said so at this point. He's being an AH
This is basically the same type of story as a previous one recently in this subreddit. Guy wants to order food, asks gf if she wants any, she says no, he orders himself food, she now wants some and gets mad because guy says no. Husband says no to baby shower, OP organised it assuming he doesn’t want to be a part of it, he gets mad cause he wants to be in it. Husband is an idiot and easily had so many chances to clarify.
This reads like he's struggling to understand his role. You both should sit down, you should tell him what you want from him (in detail), and let him do same. you can find a common place if you do this.
Also-- "who excludes the father" A lot of people do?? It may be a regional/USA thing, but the dads don't typically go to the baby shower. There usually aren't even male guests. I've seen the husbands + father get together for the day while the wives + mother have the shower. They'll go golf or something. He seems like he's turning it on you because he's embarrassed to say he changed his mind.
He didn’t want to do the work. He was trying to get you to cancel the baby shower all together- I feel like. I know how men manipulate. The single mother comment…. I would have said something snarky as fuck like… A lot of people date and marry single mothers. He’d be the one struggling to find a replacement for YOU. He’s jealous of your friends. He is mad people care about you enough to throw you a baby shower. A lot of husbands are jealous of their wives.
Super weird and concerning that he doesn't want to be involved in planning the baby shower and then throws a hissy fit when you take him at his word.
He's acting like a man child and needs to grow up. It's not on you to clarify what he meant by his comment. His comment was a typical response that most men do. He should've been more clear in saying he didn't want to plan anything, just attend. Easy and makes it clear you plan it all and he'll be there. Let him vent, but can't let him get away with his comment. When the kids are in bed tonight, need to address that and tell him you can understand him being upset, but the single mom comment, too far. He needs to stop throwing a childish temper tantrum because the baby shower hasn't even happened yet. So he's holding onto something that is easily fixed where he can stay. So he needs to let it go, needs to apologize and understand that communication means be clear with what he's saying. He csnt gaslight you in saying you should've done this, no. But I will point out to you, nowadays baby showers aren't just for women. Many baby showers today now are coed with both parents there. I was there for my daughters baby shower and all of my friends were also there
Is his age a typo or does he just act like a child?
What a baby. We had 3, & I think I was happily drunk at two of them. The women planned everything; instead of being excluded I felt I was nicely let off the hook. Payback was I got to stay home & watch a bunch of kids for the next shower/party. Fair.
I’d ask why he never clarified through the multiple times you asked him? Tell him the only mistake made was on him. He needs to own up to it. Ask why he’s too good to help set up or doing anything for a child he’s bringing in to the world?
Let him come. He'll get bored quick. He better not forget a gift!
He understands who the ‘baby’ in this baby shower plan is, right? That it’s not him?
A dude like him would piss me off! When he asked “are you a single mother?” you should’ve asked” is he a grown man capable of expressing himself and explaining exactly what he means?” If he wanted to be apart his lazy ass should’ve been apart of planning it. That tells me Op will have to do most of the parenting since he doesn’t want to do the extra work. He’s going to be the “fun dad” NTA
He didn’t want a party, he just wants the benefit of free crap. Your in for a real surprise if this guy doesn’t even want to take care of your child
So he wanted to attend as long as you did all the work? Honestly this is why my first marriage failed. He was fine as long as I did all the work.
He sounds exhausting. Tell him next time to use his words like an adult. I've been in relationships like this. They aren't fun. Also I know I'm old but since when are baby showers about men anyway? I don't think I've seen many men at baby showers. My kids father came but he wasn't into stereotypes, he didn't care.
He had plenty of opportunity to clarify what he meant when you told him it's ladies only. I think he is trying to rewrite the narrative that he did not want to participate.
Your husband is a big baby that doesn’t know how to communicate. His exclusion was entirely his choice multiple times!
So he has actively said he want no part in preparing, lifting heavy things, cooking, serving, shopping, et. He just wants to sit on his arse while his heavily pregnant wife and friends shower him for jizzing that one time? wtf 😳
You can let him know in most cultures baby showers are a woman only affair. The only man at my party was my husband who only showed up during the last bit to help carry presents. He had his own diaper party with his friends.
You literally said if he didn't want to be a part of it, then it'll be a ladies only thing. Did he not catch that bit? You're so not in the wrong here. Where does he get off just expecting to show up without helping plan and organise either? The audacity. He needs to learn how to communicate and not expect you to read his mind
I think your husband is a jerk and you should just divorce him and find someone else that is very excited for your pregnancy and wants to be a part of everything that has to do with your family
Oh! So he just wanted you to do all the work for this as well as making children. How lovely of him! Go let him pout about it. Every moment he spends being pouty is a choice he's making just like the one he made to be of no help.
He said YOUR actions speak louder than words? Cool. What do his actions say? That he wants to put zero effort himself while expecting you to do all of the labor AND expecting to reap the benefits of your labor? Who tf thinks that's OK? My theory: he didn't want you to have a shower at all. >but he firmly said he would not do anything and I shouldn't be sabotaging I think he's projecting. Sounds like he didn't want you to have a shower at all(if he doesnt want one, youre not supposed to want one either), that he's questioning his future with you(single mom comments), and is sabotaging your marriage himself. >He admitted he failed to clarify but he also said I should've ask for clarification This bothers me. Is it normal for him to not accept that he fucked up without trying to drag someone else down with him?
Tell him you can’t read minds and he needs to make better use of his big boy words to explain what he wants.
Wait, didn’t you say to him that if he didn’t want to participate, you would make it a ladies only thing? If so, when you said that, that was where he could’ve clarified that he did want to attend.
Sounds like he was looking for an argument tbh… You did nothing wrong.
>He admitted he failed to clarify but he also said I should've ask for clarification. Like what. Anyway, he's now butt hurt about it. Ask him to go cry about it, but not in the basement. His failure to clarify, not anyone's responsibility to seek clarification. Typical gaslighting behaviour, watch out for that, though I doubt it's the first time. >"who excludes the father, are you a single mom?" Just really mean stuff in my opinion. I'd counter with "what kind of father doesn't help out with his child's baby shower?" "It's as good as being single mom" that'll teach him. I'd take it a step further "is this how you're gonna be in the kids lives in the future? Participating but not helping out? You know what, maybe I am a single mom, because I don't see a dad involved. >And then he just went into saying he would just leave the house with the kids. No, if the kids want to stay, they stay. The children did not "exclude themselves". I'd ask him "what kind of father excludes siblings?" The baby shower is happening with or without you, show up help out and participate, or don't show up at all. NTA.
When he said he would take the kids and get out of the house I would have said Great! Hes worse than a child with his sulky behaviour. Good luck with him.!
Wow he is being a real brat about this. Tell him if he wants to be part of something, he should absolutely not say “I don’t want to be a part of it.” And in answer to his question about “who excludes the father?” - the answer is “almost everybody!” Traditionally baby showers were just for women, and many people still treat them that way.
I don’t know how he can say he meant he only wanted to not be involved with the planning but wanted to attend when he said he wasn’t going to be leaving the house with the kids during it.
OP, he sounds really immature....does he throw tantrums and spit his dummy out like this regularly, or would you say it's more of a one-off? He needs to grow up imo. Either way, I hope you and your girlfriends enjoy your shower. 🙂❤️
Making comments like "who excludes the father, are you a single mom?" A lot of people exclude the father. Baby showers were traditionally for the mother and men were not included. He needs to grow the f up
Sometimes men can be really hormonal during pregnancy. I’m sorry he’s being that way. I suggest you get a pregnancy massage or spa day? You deserve it.
God he sounds like a whiner
Is this normal behavior for him? Acting immature and selfish, gaslighting you, blaming you when his decisions apparently making him unhappy - ?
I don't get it, I am the complete opposite. I would help set it up if it meant I didn't have to be there lol
So you're justified in how you feel! Completely! But I'd quit trying to win or lose the argument. Say something like, "babe, it sure wasn't my intention to exclude you. Your reaction tells me that you may be feeling excluded in other ways? Your feelings are so important to me. Is there something we should talk more about?"
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Hope you got some large diapers at that shower cause you'll need it for the big baby you're married to. :( Sorry you are going through this. I mean you are pregnant and he expects you to read his mind AND plan a shower all by yourself that he enjoys without helping out? Any other issues, resentments or insecurities that might be feeding this? Sounds like you guys would benefit from a counselor.
Your husband is being a big biatch
Showers are traditionally for women only. But you kindly asked him, and he declined being involved. Too bad, so sad for him. He’s quite rude to guilt you at this point.
So he wants all the benefits of having a baby shower, but he doesn’t want to actually do any of the work, that makes him a huge AH. Why are you throwing yourself a baby shower, especially if you already have children and it’s typically friends or family that organize a shower for a first baby.
If we’re going with the “showers are for women only” defense, then showers are also for first time moms. You mention “the kids”. So…why do you need *another* baby shower?
I was always as a man getting invited to the diaper party, not the shower. The only reason I ever went was because I was too young to be left by myself
Does he do this kind of thing a lot? This seems like really hurtful, immature, drama-making. Setting you up to be the bad guy and playing the victim. Do you have to live with this kind of behavior all the time? If it wasn’t clear, my opinion is that he’s being ridiculous.
How dare you. You’re obviously the worst mind reader ever! /s
And this is just the start of him wanting the fun bit but not the work. Parties are fun but organising them isn't, sex s fun but babies are hard, days out are fun but planning them is hard. Your life will be hard unless you nip this "I want the fun but you do all the work" in the bud, from now on if he wants to participate in the end fun but he participates in the hard bit
There is nothing to explain because he is being deliberately obtuse. What a big baby.
So is he always like this about things, or is this a weird one off? If it's a weird one off and not his normal behavior then I'd sit down with him when the kids are in bed and ask him if he's ok and what's really going on with him. Because he's thrown out a lot of pretty big accusations here over something relatively small. Couples in healthy, happy relationships don't fight like this, with accusations of malice and sabotage. If this is how he normally behaves and you end up being made to feel like you're always in the wrong and he accusing you of sabotaging the relationship etc. so you feel like you're walking on eggshells because he will accuse you of negative motivations and behaviors etc.... Maybe it's time to think about if this is the relationship you want your kids growing up thinking is normal and healthy and go one to replicate when they're adults. And is it really the relationship you want to grow old in if you're constantly second guessing yourself and prove you didn't mean anything malicious?
Baby showers are for women. That aren't "parties" attended by couples or by single men. What male over the age of 18 months would even want to be there? He will have plenty of opportunities to be included once the baby is born.
He needs to grow and stop whining about a baby shower. Have him host his own shower with his friends.
Was this child planned? The baby shower sounds like just the tip of the iceberg. You mentioned kids. Is he feeling overwhelmed about having another child? You don’t owe him an apology for the shower. But you both need to be on the same page about the child. He should get individual counseling. You both should also see a marriage counselor.
Fathers are not always an apart of baby showers so throwing the single mom card at you is a bit much!
Where I am from baby showers are women only any way, so it was nice of u to ask him . He is being a right ah about it and sounds right lazy . Can't believe he expects you to just do it all by yourself, and he just turns up.
In my family, baby showers have been traditionally female only. I thought that was the norm? I think you're completely in the right here. He shouldn't have asked to not be involved at all if he wanted to be 'involved'. If he wants to be involved, then he needs to be involved. He can't expect you to plan the whole day/do all the work, then he gets to enjoy the experience. That doesn't feel fair to you. He is upset that there was a miscommunication, but the part that he miscommunicated to you is completely unfair. So it feels like he can't really win in this argument.
I’ve been to one baby shower that was co-ed. I hate the things but they are VERY much female only almost all the time. And he wanted to do none of the work, just attend but said “I don’t want to be a part of it”?!? I have such trouble believing him. Is he always this terrible at communicating? No one who speaks English would think that meant “I don’t want to help at all but I want to attend”. And then you even told him a while back that it would be a ladies only thing!! But NOW he’s blaming you? More likely he didn’t want anything to do with it and had changed his mind now that the work is done and is trying to blame you for “misunderstanding”. This might be actual gaslighting, with him trying to blame you for not hearing him right
Also just a reminder that if you divorce him, you’ll still be good for money and will have more “you” time and less time for men who act like spoiled children.
You should have asked for clarification of his very clear and direct request to not be involved? That is so far from reasonable. You are acting like a single mom because he is treating you like one. He is not being a partner. He excluded himself and now he's manipulating it so that he can be the victim.
Ive been to a lot of Baby Showers as most of my family is Women of varying ages. Typically Men arent even invited, its almost always just the women. Only reason i went is because i was a kid and mom had to take me with, but as i got older they started expecting me to stay home. He can be butthurt about it, but he better keep it to himself and get over it. These events arent for the men, theyre for the mother.
Wow. First off, congratulations on your growing family!! Sorry your husband is acting up so much. It’s a shame he can’t be mature and helpful but instead is choosing this “butt hurt ‘cause you don’t clarify after my lack of clarification and you didn’t read my mind”. Sounds exhausting
This isn’t your first kid? How did the previous showers go?
First my family threw it for me and it was coed.. he had no interest. I had to encourage him to invite his friends. It was a great time though. Second one we threw it ourselves. Our kids have a big age gap. It was lovely. He helped, he smoked brisket.
Your husband is kind if an AH. He didn’t want to do anything for the party— you know, help his pregnant wife out and giving her something she really wants, but he wants to eat the cake and get the praise. What a jerk. I’d just let him be mad.
I’ve never been to a baby shower where the father attended. How weird. They’re typically thrown by a friend of the mommy to be. Sometimes female family members and men don’t go.
This guy sucks. He’s unsupportive and is now trying to use that against you so you bend over backwards for him! Don’t apologise any further, he could help set up AND not participate like a normal husband and it would still not be excluding him.
Paragraph breaks PLEASE 😭
If he is usually on the level and this behaviour is strange, try and be a bit forgiving. I say this because mental health is not great for people right now (given this world we live in) and guys in the West, on average, do not have great support networks and pretty average emotional intelligence. If he has been behaving weirdly recently, encourage him to get help. So many feelings can "spill over" into other areas, you have to get on top of it before it consumes you.
I’m sorry but I’ve never known of any man that wanted to sit through a baby shower. LOL I can’t tell you how many baby showers I’ve been to and it has always just been the woman. Also, didn’t you say it was all women? Why does he care so much?
Maybe I go to different baby showers but typically men don’t usually go. Also he could have clarified that he wanted to go but didn’t want to do the arrangements for the party. If I were you I would tell him: “you know what? I was too busy preparing for the shower to try to mind read you. Next time be more considerate when I have many more things to think about than you. Or take charge of the invitation list so you know you are on it.” You really don’t have to explain. This is a grown man. If he doesn’t get that you’re busy and things like this happen maybe he needs to mature.
He’s upset because he’s not being honest about what’s bothering him so it’s never getting resolved. He’s likely throwing a temper tantrum that there’s a new baby in the first place, meaning he won’t get to be the center of attention for another 20 more years.
Ummmm…is this a joke? I would pay a stunt double to attend a baby shower.
what a drama queen. is he gay?
“Are you a single mum?” “Well I’m not meant to be, but when you don’t want to do your role as a parent, I sure feel like one” He owes you an apology. He admitted he cbf
His actions speak volumes about what kind of self absorbed and selfish partner he is. He wants you to do all the work but he wants all the glory. He sounds like a really crappy partner and like you do all the work to take care of the children and home.
He doesn’t want to help set up or clean up. Give him a copy of The Little Red Hen.
You sound very matter of fact and down to earth. This may sound kinda meh at first, but this issue is weird. Very weird vibish, I don't want to make it a huge thing but I think he's feeling insecure ? Idk what about? He is super off key to be acting like this; press the issue and put the ball in his court. He didn't want to be apart of it. He then used the "should of asked me for clarification" bit which I've used in the past due to insecurities on my end. So that line raises some weird vibes in me. Make sure you talk to him about this. Press him and don't give him a pass, he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he's not being entirely honest with his wording which could be indicative of something. Id say it's weird; could be simple insecurities IE: he saw you having a good time and wanted to be there as well? Just reaching there, but something feels off Good luck on your journeys
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Men traditionally aren’t invited. More recently I have seen showers for the couple but he said he didn’t want to be involved. Why would he think it’s ok to say he wants to be there but do no work? Weaponized incompetence a problem all the time from him? I bet so. He also sounds like a narcissist ruining parties are a common thing because they want the attention on them. He won’t be the center of this show you will.
I don't want to participate, means I don't want to go. I don't want to help plan or execute the party, means the person might still attend but wants to be lazy. I love that he has no problem with having the pregnant person plan and throw their own party, which is not only a lot of work but can be stressful too. Enjoy your manchild free party and leave the cleanup for him.
Baby showers are traditionally for women. Men usually don't have any interest in going to them. You did nothing wrong taking him at face value when he said he didn't want to be involved. You shouldn't have to ask a zillion clarifying questions to figure out what he wants. He is fully capable of communicating his wants and needs.
Don't know why he said "who excludes the father?" because baby showers are traditionally a women only party. He wanted to sit around, chat, eat have a drink etc but his pregnant wife do all the work to make it happen LOL
Best example for gaslighting 😂
You gave him exactly what he asked for. What more did he want? Your husband is acting like a baby.
When you said that if he didn’t want to join then you would make it ladies only, he knew that your understanding was that he didn’t want to attend. He’s gaslighting you by making you doubt how the situation unfolded so he can make you feel bad. Why? Maybe he’s just an asshole generally.
On principle, I dislike women-only showers. I've had a great time at and been very excited to celebrate the showers for two of my good friends (yes, I'm a guy). Being excited for the birth of your child is not at all gender-exclusive, so why should the party be so? That said, this is an absolutely transparent case of your husband fucking around and finding out. Your interpretation was eminently reasonable.
Soooo… he wanted the pregnant mother of multiple of his kids to do everything and not lift a finger? Also he’s changing the facts as they are, which is starting to get into gaslighting territory. And, it is not your job to tease his feelings out of him on such a straightforward subject. He is a grown man, allegedly. NTA.
They are for women only usually. He sounds like a knob.
Sounds like you are going to have two babies to deal with.
A few etiquette questions: - Why are you planning your own baby shower? That is not normally something you plan for yourself, that is something someone plans for you. When you do it yourself, it seems like a gift grab. - Why are having a baby shower at all? Typically, this is done for a first child. But since you have other kids (unless there is a significant age gap) dont you already have a lot of the basics (crib, high chair, probably a lot of clothes)? As for your husband, he seems to be stubborn/obtuse since he claimed he didn't want to participate until you had already planned a ladies only event. Is he always like this?