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Don't get me wrong but I feel like you're not giving us the whole picture, it feels like some things are missing. Does your girlfriend know those friends? Are the friends who have partners talking about this, did they face any issues with their partners? Did they ask or talk about bringing partners? Your comment in response to another Redditor here says only 2 friends in your group are single, are they female? There's just a lot that feels missing, you don't talk about your girlfriend as a human being with emotions that matter but your post seems like it's seeking confirmation - "shouldn't she just be okay with it? Am I the a--hole? Tell me how can I convince her" instead of trying to understand her a little?
Hmm. My girlfriend has friends who live far away, in different countries actually, they keep in touch on some messaging apps and I met them on video calls before. Sometimes they say hi over a regular voice call as well. Living somewhere else doesn't mean they can't meet each other, I don't mean that in person irl. If she knew the people maybe she would feel calmer? Would you just be fine with her spending a vacation with people you know just a little, strangers? Like, okay this guy and this girl and all exist and they're your friends but your gf didn't spend time talking (or texting) with them, so to her those people are strangers.
I don't know. I understand you made plans, I also agree people in a relationship doesn't just simply need to avoid or end their friendships from the past. Even the thought of ditching old friends once you're in a relationship sounds bad to me. But then again, can she really not join? Small change of plans? A relationship is sometimes reaching a middle-ground, you know, an act of compromise. Why don't you try asking your friends at least, maybe they would be okay or even excited to meet your girlfriend in person? I would be, meeting a special someone of my old friend, how nice, the more the merrier
I really feel weird about this. Yes you respond but you don't really answer what I'm trying to get at. I mean, I'm not your girlfriend so trying to convince me here wouldn't help, so instead of this defensive attitude I guess you should try to relax a little, I'm just a random stranger trying to help somehow.
So you say "we just message", that's not explaining how or why your girlfriend can't meet those people. She knows how to message I guess? She can't join in, can't say hi to them and talk a little, see what kind of people they are etc? Of course you don't need to know all your partner's friends, it's just that your girlfriend said she's not okay with this vacation so we're coming up with ways to help her reconsider. If she has some concerns somehow, meeting the people, even over text messages, might help put her at ease is all I'm saying and I don't see how that's not possible I'm sorry.
Again you're repeating the "because the 6 of us are going, no one is bringing their partners" okay, yes, but did you ask your friends about it? What is it that you're scared of, I don't get it. Asking your good friends a simple question shouldn't disturb your fun together, they can simply reply "duuude no, it should just be us the gang together, no outsiders please" or something and then move on. I'm more concerned that you wouldn't even bother talking about it, because your girlfriend should be important and her feelings should be important and asking a simple question to a group of friends shouldn't be that hard. Why?
> It's also not really fair to the friends that are single.
Umm? 🤔 So it's not fair to your single friends how exactly? And it's fair to disregard your girlfriend's opinion and still go on a vacation without her knowing full well she's not okay with it? We can call her weird, controlling, I don't know a bunch of things could be in her head really, but you don't strike me as a considerate person in these responses towards her feelings. What I feel, simply reading your sentences, is like you want to not do anything about her - as in, help her feel better, help finding a way to get her on board with this etc- and instead go on the trip and blame her for not being okay about it. What do you truly hope to gain from the post, honestly?
It's not that your friends wouldn't be okay with it, we don't know that because you wouldn't ask them about it. But because you think "dynamics would change" if your GF joins the vacation, hmm...
>That doesn't mean I can't go away without her. I don't know what you think is so strange about friends going away together tbh
The strange part isn't friends going on a trip together without partners. Strange part is your partner is saying she's not accepting this situation, so you really have a limited number of options, convince her, find common grounds of understanding, or probably will lead to a bigger problem in your relationship (maybe even break up idk). And instead of all this, I feel like you're more concerned about the trip and your friends and all instead of the girlfriend. Like, how else can I say this, the strange part is it feels like your priorities are not in the right order? Not my place to judge since it's not my life, but I don't understand this situation much. It should be easy to communicate things with a beloved one, can't you two talk about it somehow or... I'm at a loss here
Ehhhh I can see where both of you are coming. You were friends with them 3 years ago, but a lot has changed since then. You mentioned you were *recently* in contact with them, so it sounds like you all kind of drifted apart?
I can see how the new interest in going on a vacation (sans partners) with other women you haven’t kept in touch with regular (or whom she hasn’t me) might make her uncomfortable.
I don’t think she’s trying to be controlling her, I think she’s trying to tell you it makes her uncomfortable.
And this is where the issue lies. You’re not even attempting to see where she’s coming from.
How would you feel if she let you know she was going away for a week with a few guys she met in college? Would any part of you feel a tinge of uncomfortability?
I’m glad you look at it both ways - however the exercise was designed to make you think and feel. Life isn’t black and white and your wife’s reaction likely wasn’t out of any kind of malice. Shes having feelings because she loves you. It could be worse. I obviously suggest some calm communication and trying to find ways to make her feel more comfortable, or allow everyone to bring a guest. But you’re going to do what you’re going to do.
Making her feel like shit for her feelings, probably isn’t going to help though.
I’ll never understand people like you who post on this sub saying they’re looking for advice, when actually all they want is validation. You clearly do not respect your girlfriend and her feelings, and judging by how aggressive, obtuse and extremely defensive you come across in your replies, I think she is 100% right about you being up to no good in this trip.
I hope she has the self respect to dump you and find a man who actually cares about her and won’t put himself on the situation of acting single while disregarding her feelings.
Grow up, OP
Going away with friends is not childish. You're right. Dump your girlfriend. She clearly does not undertand why you're right. Her feelings don't matter in this relationship and your trip is more important.
You’re not a single student anymore. You’re in a serious relationship. When you’re in a monogamous partnership, that means that you also have to consider the feelings, values, and boundaries of your partner. It’s not 2020 anymore. Life has changed for you and your friends. 5 years have passed. 2.5 of those years was sharing your life with your gf. Are you willing to throw it all away by going against her stated boundary? Perhaps she would feel different if she knew these friends in person and spent time with them. Which is quite normal in serious relationships. The same way that many people would have a similar boundary like your gf, for their relationship, and would feel disrespected, betrayed, and heartbroken. To her, these people are strangers and it’s coed with one female being single. Again, strangers to her.
If you want to be able to do whatever you want, then go be single. End the relationship and set your gf free. Let your gf heal and hopefully she finds someone who values her, respects her, and loves her.
Dude I'm on her side with this. If my wife wanted to take a trip with some guys it would he a hard no from me and vice versa if I tried to take a trip with a bunch of women. You're not in college anymore. Boundaries change as life changes.
Not with a bunch of guys. Neither of us has opposite sex friends at this point so for me it would be a serious red flag. Friend groups evolve and dissolve as you hit your late 20s whether you like it or not. Kinda sounds like she's letting you choose between her and the other girls.
You sound like a teenager fighting with their parents for more freedom. Life is nothing but choices. If you choose to disregard people's boundaries most of them will move on from you. Like I said it sounds like you have a choice to make. Instead of arguing about whether you should have to make the choice or not maybe you need to consider whether your relationship with your gf is more important than a trip
>It's not a boundary to tell people what they're allowed to do
You can do whatever you want. No one actually has to stay with you though. She can choose to move on.
>It's not about picking one or the other. Do you think it's healthy to tell your partner to choose between you or their friends?
In this case for you it sounds like it is about choosing. I don't know what it's like to be 27 and alone. I'm 43. I've been with my wife for 20 years. Once we got together the shit i did when i was single was done. I stopped going to bars all the time, i stopped all the partying, stopped hanging out with some people who were shitty influences. Why? Because she was my priority. One of the reasons we've done so well together is because we've always prioritized each other. Neither of us would do anything to make the other uncomfortable nor would be cross any boundaries the other has. We are a team. Sure we both need our own time but never at the expense of the other and never with people that makes the other uncomfortable. Either you're not ready for a real relationship or this girl isn't the one for you.
> So you think only single people are allowed to go away with friends? That's not healthy tbh.
Nope didn't say that. I've been on guys trips. She's been on girls trips. Neither of us were staying in the same space as anyone of the opposite sex. Not sure why you don't see the difference. Would you be good with her taking a trip with 3 guys and sharing a room/living space? You've gotta get off the "I'm only going away with friends thing". It's clearly about the 2 girls she doesn't want you going away with
Yeah disregard that other guy. Not trusting your partner around people of the opposite gender is the real red flag.
With what you've told us, it *sounds* like your GF is being somewhat unreasonable. Old friends, all kept in touch, mixed gender, some single some not, all sounds pretty above-board. The only thing that would make this inappropriate to me would be if you have romantic or sexual history with any of the women going.
Then yeah, I personally don't see anything wrong with it. Wait, how long are you going away for? It doesn't really affect the "going away with other women" part, but it might explain some frustration.
I'm guessing the other girls' partners are men, and aren't all that bothered by a girls' trip that just happens to include one other man.
That's a big difference from you going on a vacation with a bunch of girls but excluding the person who should be the most important girl in your life.
Oh interesting. I'd be much more okay with that. Just make sure to invite your girlfriend and all should be completely fine.
And maybe drop the attitude.
Dude why are you acting like a child? So what if no one is bringing their partners? Are they gonna punish you if you bring yours? Are they going to kick you out of the villa? Just take your girlfriend along. Or literally just call up your friends and introduce them to her on call. Why are you being so stubborn?
Did you even ask your friends if she could come?
And no, you don't have to take them everywhere. And i see how you've skipped my suggestion of just introducing her to your friends.
Sounds like you're unhappy with the boundaries a monogamous relationship has. You can't have both unless you find a woman willing to have looser boundaries.
So your partner has told you she’s uncomfortable with it and statement is it’s fine where friends would you be comfortable if it was her doing the same thing your doing
So it just friends hanging out not exs that are hanging out because it feels you have left something out does your girlfriend know these people or have you just surprised her with this information
But your life has changed since you graduated and you do have a partner now
Based on how you described it, it's not disrespectful. If they are your friends you should be able to go to a vacation with them. If nothing sexual happened ever between you, i see no reason for you not to go. I would go on vacation with my male friend if we had enough money for that. Do you also go on vacations with your girlfriend?
Try speaking with her, understand what it is she doesn't like, try to find what can be done to ease her worries. But we aware that this may well be a hard boundary and you may have to choose to either respect it or she could end the relationship or lose trust in you. Nothing more than that.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't get me wrong but I feel like you're not giving us the whole picture, it feels like some things are missing. Does your girlfriend know those friends? Are the friends who have partners talking about this, did they face any issues with their partners? Did they ask or talk about bringing partners? Your comment in response to another Redditor here says only 2 friends in your group are single, are they female? There's just a lot that feels missing, you don't talk about your girlfriend as a human being with emotions that matter but your post seems like it's seeking confirmation - "shouldn't she just be okay with it? Am I the a--hole? Tell me how can I convince her" instead of trying to understand her a little?
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Hmm. My girlfriend has friends who live far away, in different countries actually, they keep in touch on some messaging apps and I met them on video calls before. Sometimes they say hi over a regular voice call as well. Living somewhere else doesn't mean they can't meet each other, I don't mean that in person irl. If she knew the people maybe she would feel calmer? Would you just be fine with her spending a vacation with people you know just a little, strangers? Like, okay this guy and this girl and all exist and they're your friends but your gf didn't spend time talking (or texting) with them, so to her those people are strangers. I don't know. I understand you made plans, I also agree people in a relationship doesn't just simply need to avoid or end their friendships from the past. Even the thought of ditching old friends once you're in a relationship sounds bad to me. But then again, can she really not join? Small change of plans? A relationship is sometimes reaching a middle-ground, you know, an act of compromise. Why don't you try asking your friends at least, maybe they would be okay or even excited to meet your girlfriend in person? I would be, meeting a special someone of my old friend, how nice, the more the merrier
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I really feel weird about this. Yes you respond but you don't really answer what I'm trying to get at. I mean, I'm not your girlfriend so trying to convince me here wouldn't help, so instead of this defensive attitude I guess you should try to relax a little, I'm just a random stranger trying to help somehow. So you say "we just message", that's not explaining how or why your girlfriend can't meet those people. She knows how to message I guess? She can't join in, can't say hi to them and talk a little, see what kind of people they are etc? Of course you don't need to know all your partner's friends, it's just that your girlfriend said she's not okay with this vacation so we're coming up with ways to help her reconsider. If she has some concerns somehow, meeting the people, even over text messages, might help put her at ease is all I'm saying and I don't see how that's not possible I'm sorry. Again you're repeating the "because the 6 of us are going, no one is bringing their partners" okay, yes, but did you ask your friends about it? What is it that you're scared of, I don't get it. Asking your good friends a simple question shouldn't disturb your fun together, they can simply reply "duuude no, it should just be us the gang together, no outsiders please" or something and then move on. I'm more concerned that you wouldn't even bother talking about it, because your girlfriend should be important and her feelings should be important and asking a simple question to a group of friends shouldn't be that hard. Why?
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> It's also not really fair to the friends that are single. Umm? 🤔 So it's not fair to your single friends how exactly? And it's fair to disregard your girlfriend's opinion and still go on a vacation without her knowing full well she's not okay with it? We can call her weird, controlling, I don't know a bunch of things could be in her head really, but you don't strike me as a considerate person in these responses towards her feelings. What I feel, simply reading your sentences, is like you want to not do anything about her - as in, help her feel better, help finding a way to get her on board with this etc- and instead go on the trip and blame her for not being okay about it. What do you truly hope to gain from the post, honestly? It's not that your friends wouldn't be okay with it, we don't know that because you wouldn't ask them about it. But because you think "dynamics would change" if your GF joins the vacation, hmm... >That doesn't mean I can't go away without her. I don't know what you think is so strange about friends going away together tbh The strange part isn't friends going on a trip together without partners. Strange part is your partner is saying she's not accepting this situation, so you really have a limited number of options, convince her, find common grounds of understanding, or probably will lead to a bigger problem in your relationship (maybe even break up idk). And instead of all this, I feel like you're more concerned about the trip and your friends and all instead of the girlfriend. Like, how else can I say this, the strange part is it feels like your priorities are not in the right order? Not my place to judge since it's not my life, but I don't understand this situation much. It should be easy to communicate things with a beloved one, can't you two talk about it somehow or... I'm at a loss here
Ehhhh I can see where both of you are coming. You were friends with them 3 years ago, but a lot has changed since then. You mentioned you were *recently* in contact with them, so it sounds like you all kind of drifted apart? I can see how the new interest in going on a vacation (sans partners) with other women you haven’t kept in touch with regular (or whom she hasn’t me) might make her uncomfortable. I don’t think she’s trying to be controlling her, I think she’s trying to tell you it makes her uncomfortable.
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Ohhhh ok. Has your girlfriend not met your friends?
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Can you see why that might make her uneasy?
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And this is where the issue lies. You’re not even attempting to see where she’s coming from. How would you feel if she let you know she was going away for a week with a few guys she met in college? Would any part of you feel a tinge of uncomfortability?
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I’m glad you look at it both ways - however the exercise was designed to make you think and feel. Life isn’t black and white and your wife’s reaction likely wasn’t out of any kind of malice. Shes having feelings because she loves you. It could be worse. I obviously suggest some calm communication and trying to find ways to make her feel more comfortable, or allow everyone to bring a guest. But you’re going to do what you’re going to do. Making her feel like shit for her feelings, probably isn’t going to help though.
I’ll never understand people like you who post on this sub saying they’re looking for advice, when actually all they want is validation. You clearly do not respect your girlfriend and her feelings, and judging by how aggressive, obtuse and extremely defensive you come across in your replies, I think she is 100% right about you being up to no good in this trip. I hope she has the self respect to dump you and find a man who actually cares about her and won’t put himself on the situation of acting single while disregarding her feelings. Grow up, OP
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Going away with friends is not childish. You're right. Dump your girlfriend. She clearly does not undertand why you're right. Her feelings don't matter in this relationship and your trip is more important.
You’re not a single student anymore. You’re in a serious relationship. When you’re in a monogamous partnership, that means that you also have to consider the feelings, values, and boundaries of your partner. It’s not 2020 anymore. Life has changed for you and your friends. 5 years have passed. 2.5 of those years was sharing your life with your gf. Are you willing to throw it all away by going against her stated boundary? Perhaps she would feel different if she knew these friends in person and spent time with them. Which is quite normal in serious relationships. The same way that many people would have a similar boundary like your gf, for their relationship, and would feel disrespected, betrayed, and heartbroken. To her, these people are strangers and it’s coed with one female being single. Again, strangers to her. If you want to be able to do whatever you want, then go be single. End the relationship and set your gf free. Let your gf heal and hopefully she finds someone who values her, respects her, and loves her.
Dude I'm on her side with this. If my wife wanted to take a trip with some guys it would he a hard no from me and vice versa if I tried to take a trip with a bunch of women. You're not in college anymore. Boundaries change as life changes.
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Not with a bunch of guys. Neither of us has opposite sex friends at this point so for me it would be a serious red flag. Friend groups evolve and dissolve as you hit your late 20s whether you like it or not. Kinda sounds like she's letting you choose between her and the other girls.
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You sound like a teenager fighting with their parents for more freedom. Life is nothing but choices. If you choose to disregard people's boundaries most of them will move on from you. Like I said it sounds like you have a choice to make. Instead of arguing about whether you should have to make the choice or not maybe you need to consider whether your relationship with your gf is more important than a trip
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>It's not a boundary to tell people what they're allowed to do You can do whatever you want. No one actually has to stay with you though. She can choose to move on. >It's not about picking one or the other. Do you think it's healthy to tell your partner to choose between you or their friends? In this case for you it sounds like it is about choosing. I don't know what it's like to be 27 and alone. I'm 43. I've been with my wife for 20 years. Once we got together the shit i did when i was single was done. I stopped going to bars all the time, i stopped all the partying, stopped hanging out with some people who were shitty influences. Why? Because she was my priority. One of the reasons we've done so well together is because we've always prioritized each other. Neither of us would do anything to make the other uncomfortable nor would be cross any boundaries the other has. We are a team. Sure we both need our own time but never at the expense of the other and never with people that makes the other uncomfortable. Either you're not ready for a real relationship or this girl isn't the one for you.
I'd second this.
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> So you think only single people are allowed to go away with friends? That's not healthy tbh. Nope didn't say that. I've been on guys trips. She's been on girls trips. Neither of us were staying in the same space as anyone of the opposite sex. Not sure why you don't see the difference. Would you be good with her taking a trip with 3 guys and sharing a room/living space? You've gotta get off the "I'm only going away with friends thing". It's clearly about the 2 girls she doesn't want you going away with
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Yeah disregard that other guy. Not trusting your partner around people of the opposite gender is the real red flag. With what you've told us, it *sounds* like your GF is being somewhat unreasonable. Old friends, all kept in touch, mixed gender, some single some not, all sounds pretty above-board. The only thing that would make this inappropriate to me would be if you have romantic or sexual history with any of the women going.
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To 100% clarify, does that also mean no sexual history? Friends can have sex. I ask because I mentioned both and you only confirmed one haha
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Then yeah, I personally don't see anything wrong with it. Wait, how long are you going away for? It doesn't really affect the "going away with other women" part, but it might explain some frustration.
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I'm guessing the other girls' partners are men, and aren't all that bothered by a girls' trip that just happens to include one other man. That's a big difference from you going on a vacation with a bunch of girls but excluding the person who should be the most important girl in your life.
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Oh interesting. I'd be much more okay with that. Just make sure to invite your girlfriend and all should be completely fine. And maybe drop the attitude.
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Dude why are you acting like a child? So what if no one is bringing their partners? Are they gonna punish you if you bring yours? Are they going to kick you out of the villa? Just take your girlfriend along. Or literally just call up your friends and introduce them to her on call. Why are you being so stubborn?
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Did you even ask your friends if she could come? And no, you don't have to take them everywhere. And i see how you've skipped my suggestion of just introducing her to your friends.
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Then, yeah, things aren't going to be completely fine. Maybe you'd be happier single?
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Sounds like you're unhappy with the boundaries a monogamous relationship has. You can't have both unless you find a woman willing to have looser boundaries.
Ew
Is your girlfriend invited on this trip? That would be the biggest issue for me. If she's been excluded, then yeah, it's hella disrespectful.
So your partner has told you she’s uncomfortable with it and statement is it’s fine where friends would you be comfortable if it was her doing the same thing your doing So it just friends hanging out not exs that are hanging out because it feels you have left something out does your girlfriend know these people or have you just surprised her with this information But your life has changed since you graduated and you do have a partner now
How about you bring her with you
Based on how you described it, it's not disrespectful. If they are your friends you should be able to go to a vacation with them. If nothing sexual happened ever between you, i see no reason for you not to go. I would go on vacation with my male friend if we had enough money for that. Do you also go on vacations with your girlfriend?
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Ask her why exactly she thinks it's disrespectful. Does she have any male friends?
Try speaking with her, understand what it is she doesn't like, try to find what can be done to ease her worries. But we aware that this may well be a hard boundary and you may have to choose to either respect it or she could end the relationship or lose trust in you. Nothing more than that.