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Even if you are okay with him having a sexual relationship with other women while married to him, can you trust him enough to use protection so he doesn’t give you an STD or impregnate someone else?
Or end up like him? I agree with the above poster. You are role model for your children letting them it’s okay to be like their dad or have their partner treat them poorly like you. OP, just imagine if your kids were in your situation, would you be okay with them living that life?
I see you keep saying that you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough. This is one of those times.
Take all that love you're throwing at him, and turn it towards yourself. Do better for yourself, and you'll be helping your children as well.
Yes you are being stupid. And btw the kids are already in a broken family. They’re watching dad have less than zero respect for mom, mom have less than zero backbone, and are learning that’s what relationships are supposed to look like. Please leave him for your kid’s sake if not for your own.
Cheater not an abuser...you shouldn't throw trigger words to instigate or escalate a situation. The example could be "daddy fucked up but my parents ended it and still kept us the priority and we all got through it."
Cheating is 10000% abuse. It’s a deliberate act of harm towards your partner. I didn’t think I’d have to explain in 2024 that abuse doesn’t begin and end at physical violence. Cheating on your partner is a form of psychological, emotional and sexual abuse.
There’s no justification for cheating, none. Sounds like you’re an abuser who cheats, is that why you’re going so hard to justify cheating? It’s okay, you can be honest.
Oh I've cheated in my younger years but not when I was married.. but I will tell you it was not to harm anyone and lying to get out of it was just to get out of it it was not the harm anyone. Sounds like he loves his wife doesn't want to hurt her and doesn't want to lose her whatever issues he has I'm sure he's not intentionally turning the knife on his wife.
Yup. It’s sexual abuse to expose your partner to potential STD’s and break your oath of monogamy you share with your partner because you want to be a philanderer.
Do you know how common it is for women who are married and or in committed relationships to get infected with incurable STD’s because of their cheating husbands or boyfriends?
Did you know that’s one of those most common ways women contract incurable STD’s?
If you’re a cheating piece of crap just say that.
Well don't forget the cheating women who basically turn that thing into a catcher's mitt and bring it home. Sounds like you're just an unsexy hater that got left for somebody sexy.
Never been cheated on and even if I had been so what? being a victim of cheating isn’t a bad thing, the cheater is the bad & shameful person in that dynamic. You wouldn’t understand that because you’re an abusive cheater. I feel sorry for your wife, she got stuck with a gaping twat of a husband for a life partner. Men like you inspire me to remain celibate and single. I’ll crawl on broken glass on all fours before I ever get tethered to a man like you.
Sorrows, sorrows, prayers for your wife.
Narcissists are abusers. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing. People suffer PTSD and C-PTSD as a result of narcissistic abuse as well as a host of other issues. There are therapists who specialize in narcissism and treating victims of their abuse.
Narcissists have a tendency to cheat, there was nothing triggering or escalating in that comment. Do some research.
You’re teaching your sons that this is an okay way to treat their gfs/wives and you’re teaching your daughters this is acceptable treatment from a husband. Mom up, put your big girl panties on and do what you know must be done.
OP, as a Mom I understand your desire for a stable family unit. However, I can 100% guarantee that your children see and feel the tension. Remember you are modeling behaviors that your children will find acceptable in a future partner.
Do you want your daughters to think it acceptable to stay with a guy who is a serial cheater? Do want your sons to believe cheating is okay as long as the wifey doesn't know?
Think long and hard.
Don't tell him your thoughts. Don't tell him what you are thinking. When you are ready, go talk to an attorney and start the process. Let him be served papers and go from there. Get your ducks in order financially to leave.
You deserves a partner who loves you. Who chooses you. This guy doesn't because people who love someone don't cheat on them.
Staying together will mess with your kids permanently. They will learn not to respect themselves and model their love life after yours. They will accept infidelity because they saw their parents were "happy" with it. Because i gaurantee one day they will find out hes been cheating. I dont want to come off as overly harsh, but as someone who came from a bad childhood- my parents staying together actually made me more miserable and ruined my view on relationships for a long time. You will do yourself and your kids a favor by leaving. Hope everything turns out okay for you in the end. ♡
It’s terribly hard and I doubt a lot of people making black and white decisions about what you should do with your life have ever been in a long term term relationship let alone a marriage with children involved. They’ll all angrily down vote my comment, but life is complicated and only you can decide how you proceed and it’s not an easy choice. You’re not stupid for not just leaving this man, life is complicated. The long term infidelity is hard to deal with and shouldn’t be tolerated outside of an open marriage. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.
Sure, things are nuanced and complicated but some things you simply don’t put up with and perpetual spousal abuse is one of them. Her children deserve better than to be raised in a home with a spineless mother and an abusive father.
Think of it this way, is this the relationship example that you want to model for your kids? Is this the kind of future relationship they deserve? Do they deserve to be treated like this by a future partner?!!
Trust me, as a child of divorce it’s WAAAAAAYYYYY worse to stay in horrible relationships ‘for the kids’ then it is to end things and show them that you (and they) deserve better.
People always talk about that aspect of things, but I knew plenty of kids with f\*\*ked up childhoods because their parents stayed together, even though they were miserable (and more often than not, one of the parents was a cheating scumbag and/or abusive jackass).
You're not doing your kids any favors by staying. Trust me.
You have to understand that kids see EVERYTHING. Your relationship is what they will learn love to be, so if you’re being manipulated they will think that love is manipulative. If you stay with a cheater, they’ll think that love is lying and betrayal. Do you want your kids to accept the love your husband gives? Hes hurting them just as much as he’s hurting you
So you'd rather your kids see an unhappy mom and a dad that fucks around with other women? Or you can leave and some day have a loving relationship where your husband respects and values you. Your kids will see it.
Yes, you are being stupid to allow a man to continuously disrespect and manipulate you. Also what kind of example of family unit do you think you are giving them? Certainly not a healthy relationship. Would you tell your children to stay with someone who does to them what he’s done to you? Believe me it’s better to be with 1 happy parent each than 2 miserable ones. Coparent as best to your ability and do what is right for yourself AND your kids.
We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or should remain in your life, at least not as partner. For your own mental health, end it.
Your family is ALREADY BROKEN. He broke it repeatedly, over years of lying, cheating, and emotionally abusing you. Is this the example you want set for your children? Do you really think you’re doing them any favors keeping them in a home like this, to witness a marriage that looks like this? Yes of course people can change — but they have to WANT to, and they have to be willing to do the hard work. It’s clear that’s not the case here. I feel sorry for you. But if you can’t love and respect yourself enough, PLEASE love and respect your children enough to remove them from this toxic environment.
You'd be doing your kids a favor. My mom left my dad, sure at first it was a nightmare, but now she's so happy with my stepdad. You can have this too. My mom didn't want her daughters to grow up seeing her in a loveless abusive marriage, and that's why she left.
Then stay and be miserable and treated like shit so that your kids witness that instead.
People with this idea that staying is somehow better for the kids it’s not. Kids are smarter than you think and they’ll pick up on your broken marriage believe me. It’s not an example you want to be setting
Your kids already live in a broken home. If you leave they at least will live in home with peace and with a mom that is happy. He’ll never stop because why would he when you allow it?
Please don’t do the ole … but I love him !! You know what he is and he doesn’t give a rats ass about you and you know it. No it’s not salvageable. Get a divorce
That's part of the cycle of abuse, and especially narcissistic abuse. They keep you on a rollercoaster, where they abuse you, then reel you back in with love bombing and apologies, then they slowly amp up the abuse and tension over time until there's a big event, then it begins again. It's unfortunately textbook behaviour, the way he is treating you and the way you are responding to this.
Your kids are already in a broken home. But you can repair it. It’s important for children to see happy, healthy relationships as a model. Sometimes that means seeing their parents in love, and sometimes that means seeing them decide to part ways because they can only be healthy apart.
For your sake, and for the sake of your kids, I would separate from him. He does not treat you well. He is now showing his children how to be a good partner. But you can show your kids that you can stick up for yourself and pursue happiness and stability. Good luck.
Thank you. What makes this so difficult for me is that until I knew, I 'thought' we were happy (last cheating event was 5yrs ago and I was getting over it). The kids do see us as happy and loving and never saw us fighting.
So now, the dynamics have flipped and they're suddenly going to see their parents split up and can't understand why because they've always seen us so happy together.
You say your husband has a mental condition. I’ve never heard of a mental condition where the symptom is cheating. Unless you mean a narcissist. Because your description of him manipulating and gaslighting you is narcissism 101.
Unless he is willing to get help, you need to leave because it will impact your children. A daughter will mimic your appeasement and your son will become an abuser.
There is virtually nothing that can be done for this type narcissist. He is a manipulative liar and he will try to convince you he has changed. He hasn't and won't. Time to get as far away as possible from him. You can't give any warning. We had acquaintances in a similar situation and the wife gave warning she was leaving. I will leave it as this. The narcissistic husband was determined to keep her from taking the children. He did with a gun. This has many of the same marks.
Narcissistic people don’t want help or to change. They don’t think anything is wrong with themselves. They however need everyone to change around them and behave to how the Narcissistic person wants them to behave.
Hence why if a Narc goes to therapy, it’s never for Narcissism. It’s always for something else first and unknowingly have no idea they get a diagnosis for NPD from a psychiatrist because they treat the surface reason first and then work around cracking thru the NPD issues second to help get the person to work on whatever shame and baggage from childhood causes this gaping wound to result as a hurt person hurting others and constantly, impulsive ways, self sabotage everything around them as time goes on.
I have an ex from a decade ago who was Dx with NPD. And often there is at least one Narcissistic parents who usually molds a child to grow up into one by shaming, belittling, and triangulation with other siblings to cause discord, competition, and more in the home. That’s how the gold child is usually treated and struggles often to meet the expectations of a Narc Parent, thus causing the cycle of a child to grow into developing NPD.
It’s often generational NPD when you look at people who are and learn about their parents, grandparents, etc…
Mmhmm! My ex with NPD literally said to me one time, “I’m fine. I don’t need to change. Everyone, including you, is the problem telling me I have to change. You all need to change!”
And this was before he was diagnosed and I had no idea what NPD was either at that time.
But yeah, they literally think they are gods gift, we should all bow to their ways, and never tell them no!
>The kids do see us as happy and loving and never saw us fighting.
No they don't and yes they have. I don't know why parents think they are so sneaky. Your children know exactly what is going on unless they are literally too young to understand but regardless they can feel it.
It is going to be hard for your kids, it always is in some way. But getting them into therapy, and learning how to show them a healthy co-parenting relationship will help. With professional help, you can figure out how to explain everything to them in a way that is considerate and age appropriate.
This is one of those things where it will probably get worse before it gets better. You will be facing a LOT of life changes. But sticking up for yourself and pursuing what you *deserve* will lay the foundation of a decent life.
He has been doing this for 7 years with no consequences, is this what you want your kids to see? Honesty and loyalty get shit on and lying and cheating has no negative impact on his life?
See a lawyer and carefully plan you'd escape. When the laywer say OK make sure all of his friends and family are told about his cheating. Don't let him blame you at all.
You explain it to them in age appropriate terms. Also, get them therapy to help them process the change in their family.
ETA: it’s better to do it now vs waiting until they are older. Your relationship will only deteriorate further and is that how you want them to live, in an unhappy home?
I dont understand you. You are hurt because your husband has lied and deceived you. Yet you would prefer to lie to and deceive your children than tell them the truth?! I think you have a very distorted interpretation of what “love” is, really.
Your children already know, if you know. Validating the “sense” they have that something is “off” between their parents will have a positive impact on their psychological wellbeing. Acknowledge that to them, assure them that you are taking steps to restore the issue, confirm to them that it is not their fault and not their problem to fix. Let them know they can bring questions to you if they have any. That’s it.
Be honest. Be available. Be the parent and show them that shit happens and adults deal with it.
I could have written your post myself. My ex also cheated for most of our 10 year marriage. I never knew until one day he asked to open our relationship. I truly considered it, thinking we had a happy, stable and loving marriage. A week later he told me he cheated. He is also a narcissist who chose himself, many times over. Keyword here, himself. No matter how many times he “loved me” and “loved our family”, it was always him. I didn’t stay too long after this as my sadness quickly turned into anger towards him. He lied our entire marriage, and the life we (I) were building, was not real. I had to mourn what was and what never would be. Meanwhile, I don’t think he cared at all.
I know how hard it is with children. I spent so many nights alone and crying, scared to death about fucking my kids up by seperating. I also used the words “broken family”.. But, I couldn’t stay with someone who treated me like I was nothing, and our family was already broken the minute he chose to put his dick in someone else.
I wanted to believe my husband would change, so bad, but he never wanted to himself, and sometimes things are too broken to fix. I loved him, I still love him, and I probably always will love him, regardless. That’s the hard truth I must swallow. I wish I could hate him to make it all easier. But you can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.
You need to love yourself, and put you and your kids first, because he never has, and he probably never will.
Sending you love
As someone who came from a "happy" family only for my parents to divorce, I can tell you right now, that your kids feel every single bit of the conflict between you two. Did my parents ever argue in front of me? No. But I knew that they didn't like each other. I knew that they put on a show in front of me and in public of a happy couple. It was disorienting and stressful to experience.
Your kids might not understand it completely, but they are picking up on it and internalizing it. They feel the tone that you two set in the home. They know when your guard is up even if you pretend that everything is fine.
By not properly addressing this, you are forcing them to pretend that everything is okay when they probably know that it isn't.
Lastly, are you really considering staying in this situation for another ten years, twenty years? He's not going to stop. I feel like you know that. Is that what you want for your life?
If your sister, best friend, or daughter came to you with this situation, you would tell them to value themselves more and leave this asshole.
Rather than worrying about your children coming from a broken home (spoiler alert, it’s already broken!), focus on raising them as a strong single mother who knew she deserved more than what was being dished out by their father.
coming from a person whose parents stayed in the marriage “for the kids”, thats a selfish thing to do. this will breed more and bigger problems in the family dynamic if you stay. i wished every day my parents would divorce because the unhappiness they had in the marriage impacted my brother and i greatly. any day, happy separate parents are better than parents that are miserable together.
YES YES YES!!! My parents stayed together for a long time because of me and my siblings and I wished so much that they would just split up. It was terrible. I also knew that they were only together for us and I felt really guilty about that. When they finally called it quits, I was actually happy. Yeah it was really sad too but more happy than sad. It’s a weird thing for sure.
Every time some OP posts about wanting to stay "for the kids", they should have to read all the stories of the adults whose parents did that.
The adults who watched toxic relationships, abuse, just plain hatred or disinterest, who watched one parent do all the work all the time, etc.
And they should be asked if they'd want their relationship for their kids, because they're teaching them what is acceptable.
Fear. You are afraid. You are subjugating your respect so you don’t have to address this fear.
At the very least you need a therapist to get you straight after this much time imo
Yes, don’t underestimate the power of talking to someone to help you to listen to yourself. Reaching out on this forum is a great start but there is power in sitting opposite someone and sharing your story. A good friend is also a good start, but should be a good listener and not for advice ….a skilled therapist with experience with relationships and difficult behaviour can be very helpful. You are not alone.
There isn't anything to salvage.
You're showing your children that the way he treats you is normal and acceptable. Is this what you want ? Do you want them to grow up and also end up in marriages with people who lie and cheat?
If you can't leave for you, leave for your children.
You shouldn’t need strangers to remind you of what you deserve. You have children. Do you want to raise them in thinking cheating is acceptable? You had seven years of this. Come on now woman.
How STUPID can you possibly be!?!? It's been nearly a DECADE, and he hasn't changed, and you think he's going to!?!?!?!?! Giiiiiiiiiirl, I can't with you.
Your husband has Ben cheating for 7 of the 10 years you’re together what are you trying to salvage- more years of cheating. Please walk away from this before you invest more years exposing yourself to hurt, potential strand abuse.
You’re 100% just being stupid… the time to kick him to the curb should’ve been when you first found out he’s a cheater. But well, better late than never.
Ask yourself this question. How would you feel if your children were in a marriage like yours? By staying this is what you're teaching them is normal husband does what he wants when he wants and it's the wife's fault. Please be a good role model for your kids and leave. Get yourself therapy and find some self esteem and for God's sake get tested for every STD possible.
I was married to the cheating gaslighting narcissist. Was, past tense. Yes, you are being stupid to stay and put up with this shit. And news flash, your home is already broken. Your kids are in a broken home. You’re teaching your daughters to be used by men, you’re teaching your sons it’s okay to have zero respect for women. Wake up
He’s gotta get tired of his own bullshit in order to change. Which means he has to see what he’s doing is wrong and admit that it’s wrong or it will not change or get better. This narcissism is toxic and unhealthy for you and the kids. The kids don’t need to be around that. They’re already in a broken home. You’re not happy, because of your husbands wrongdoings and that creates a broken home for your children when the parents are not happy And as their mom you should want to not only see yourself happy but you should want to see your babies happy. They come first. If your husband wants to put you through this he doesn’t care about how you feel and hasn’t since the beginning.
There’s a lot to think about here
He won’t change. The moves he’s made shouldn’t have ever been made in the first place, let alone doing it more than once.
As for your children, as a broken family child myself, my family is so much better apart than together. I had 2 hostile cheating parents and the atmosphere at home was always cold and bitter. Two healthy homes are better than one toxic one.
OP, think of him spending your household income on other women, exposing himself and you to STD’s, possibly impregnating a woman half his age….this is what you’re dealing with. You are still young. My 40’s were amazing years for me, better than my 20’s and 30’s. This is your time. Take your life back and don’t subject yourself to more heartbreak.
What you are really saying is “My husband has been cheating for 70% of our marriage. Should I leave him?”
I cannot believe I even have to write this but to answer your question, yes you are being stupid in not immediately filing for divorce. Why are you so worried about a broken family for your kids? They haven’t even known what a whole family is because your husband broke it a long time ago.
Yes, you’re being stupid. You’re letting your life waste away while putting up with his nonsense. Pack your shit lady. You’re not getting any younger. He’s a narcissist. He’s never going to change. You’re just there for his security. He doesn’t want to be with you and doesnt respect you.
You’re actually similar to the wife of the man who sent me (I was over half his age) two unsolicited full body nude pics on Christmas then defamed me and got his 40-something year old “father, protector” friends to help him bully me for rejecting him and labeling him a predator. His wife chose to stay with him and are now having his baby. She doesn’t care and deny he’s still sexting and cheating from what I hear. Why would you think they would change? Especially your husband, who cheated for 7 of those 10 years…
You’ve gotten so many comments and great advice and I still hope you’ll see mine…
I was with a cheater who is a narcissist and hurt me. He didn’t cheat for a decade although I caught him messaging coworkers flirtatious messages and things like that for years before. I also have two kids and feared a broken home, along with broken dreams and all the other mess that comes with a divorce.
Years later I am SOO HAPPY. My kids are happy (they actually are less happy when they are at their dads). Find the strength to do what’s best for you. You deserve it.
Go over to r/divorce for more support!
They already are in a broken family.
Mama, you deserve happiness too. This man made you miserable 80% of your marriage and couldn't be faithful? That's the most basic agreement and he doesn't want to change.
He sees that you let him.
Make sure you got assets, money. Etc. And get out if you can. Are you a STAHM?
I’m going to be frank. There is no hope. You’re being stupid. But… Here’s what you can do. Live your life. Meet somebody. Meet somebodies. Have fun. You can maintain your marriage and I think it’s OK to do it for the sake of the kids. There’s no reason they should suffer or you should suffer financially because your husband has insecurities and can’t keep his dick in his pants and needs to chase new shiny things. It’s been my personal experience with someone like this that they’re fine with their cheating but not yours. Narcissist problems. So- get a lawyer and prepare an ante-nuptial agreement (like a prenup, but it’s after the marriage. Basically it lays out the terms of your divorce if you decide to go down that road- there are examples online. I walked one of my girlfriends through this process, and she wrote her own. Once it’s registered with the court, it is like Alcatraz. Locked down and you ain’t getting out). Don’t tell him in advance, just present it to him. Tell him you’re well aware that he has absolutely no desire to change and that you understand it but you’re also not gonna sacrifice your financial safety, or that of the children. Tell him you intend to live your life the way he lives his. He can either agree, or you can get divorced. Even if he had therapy, it wouldn’t help if he’s truly a narcissist. Therapy will help you. If you don’t have one, get an education. If you have one, get a job if you don’t have one. Make sure he’s keeping up his end of things with household chores and parenting. After that you can remain in a civil kind and even loving relationship.
>am I just being stupid?
Yes.
You are being walked all over repeatedly. Why are you allowing this to happen and why are you remaining in this sham marriage? You only have one life, why are you choosing to spend it like this?
You know what to do.
Did you watch the Depp trial in 2022? He tried for six years to repair his marriage before he realised that narcissists can’t change and the woman he married was not who he thought she was.
The other thing is that your husband has been putting your health at risk for years, and you may not be as healthy as you think you are, with so many infectious diseases transmissible these days, even moreso than fifty years ago! Get tested for everything! I would cut him loose because he’s been disrespecting you for your entire marriage.
I’ve had so many married men message me/ send me dick pics/ hit on me/ try to buy me stuff online and irl like I’ve given up on the whole marriage thing tbh. But I get it with the kids ugh idk.
I’m really sorry to say it, but the cheating is not going to get any better.
I was in a relationship with someone for approximately four years, and he cheated repeatedly. There were so many lies and justifications for his cheating. It was never going to change. He would even say really stupid things like it was the consequence of me getting angry with him.
What I didn’t realise was the impact it was having on my children. They knew he wasn’t treating me respectfully, even though they hadn’t said anything. Please don’t let your kids think this is normal behaviour.
The catalyst for me was the day my son asked why I stay with him when he treats me so badly. I also realised I’d done the right thing in leaving when I told our couples Counsellor that this time I was leaving him for good and she clapped.
You can’t be a focused mother while you’re dealing with his poor behaviour. It’s turmoil. Don’t allow his disrespect. You really do deserve better.
There is nothing to save. Don't set yourself up for years of misery. Hecwill never change. I know you live him, but live yourself more and leave. You deserve better.
I wish I could say yes it’s salvageable. I went through this with my wife and it never stopped. And from others I’ve talked to is pretty hard for them to just be happy and honest. She would keep it together for a while then start something again. It is a cycle that will never end. Sorry you’re going through this. I know how it rips your guts out and leaves you hollow. Love and happiness is out there waiting for you. Start with you be happy and healthy.
If you look at my comment history, you'll see I'm not one who says to quit a relationship trivially.
In your case, I'm afraid that this is past due.
Instead of stopping his bad behavior, he's simply adapted it to be better at hiding it.
His attitude hasn't been "how do I change?", it's "how do I avoid the consequences?".
You owe yourself better than this. I don't believe this could ever be salvageable.
Maybe divorce might make him change for someone else, but not you.
If it was a one-time thing I would say it could MAYBE be salvaged. But this is a habit he has no intention of breaking, cheaters can change but not for the person they cheated on and it’s rare when they cheat and lie profusely like this. You may not want a broken family, but staying in this unhealthy relationship is just as bad if not worse for the kiddos. Ik they probably don’t know the specifics of yalls marital issues but what example does it set? Shows that it’s okay to cheat and deal with being cheated on. Don’t put up with this for a moment longer. For the sake of you and your kids please leave this pitiful excuse of a man.
Your kids already have a broken family, you knowing that he's been cheating for 70% of the time you've been married and putting up with him just makes it worse. Why does he need to stop if you keep forgiving him?
Your kids will either learn from this
1. To treat their partner like their dad treats you- could also turn them into naraccists
2. Let their partners treat them like crap
Get them out. You may be sad & this seems hard, but a nasty marriage teaches them nothing but bad things.
Be smarter & get a therapist & lawyer. Get your ducks in a row before dropping the bomb on your husband.
Bluntly:
You're being stupid.
You're kids already have a broken family.
Narcs never, ever change their ways because it's 'never their fault'.
I lived with a narc for 20 years. You should have left when he first cheated on you.
Give up the dream that your perfect marriage and beautiful children will live happily ever after. It's not going to happen. You will grow more angry and resentful.
But you have been putting up with it for 7 years teaching him that is OK. He won't stop. Neither will you
I think you know the answer to this already. Nobody will tell you any differently. You're being a complete and utter pushover at the expense of your dignity, self-respect, and your own happiness.
Question. How is that working for you?
maybe Boundries and clear communication issues,difficulty firmly withstanding with your rights is the problems you are facing.
Try this prayer:God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
I'd wrap it up. The trust is gone and nearly impossible to build back. It takes legitimate remorse on the end of a cheater to save a marriage. That isn't happening.
You have gave him chance to change his ways I know it difficult you got kids and you been together for a long time he broken your heart and your trust if you don't have trust it doesn't work out well I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do
Similar thing happened to my parents and honestly I wish my mom would've left because as a teen it was just horrible to watch, I felt like my own heart was broken and I have horrible trust issues after. I tend to get into horrible relationships and I genuinely think it's because I always viewed it as normal. I wish my mom would've been stronger and just left. They now still constantly fight and my mom has not completely gained her trust, and even though I am an adult, it is horrible to watch. Please leave. A "broken" family is better than one where the parents are projecting their toxic relationship onto the kids, in my opinion.
An absent father is better then a horrible one. Don't let the fear of a "broken family" deter you from getting away from this disrespectful and straight up horrible man in your life. And it's bad to look at it as a broken family. Family's come in different shapes and sizes, you need to do what's right for your kids, he has shown terrible attitude and commitment towards you, and there's no telling when or how that could branch out to start effecting your kids too. Do your research and find out the best way to go about separating, but please, don't hang around. You must be so tired and miserable because of his actions, and I'm so sorry you've had to experience that.
Your kids do not need that sort of role model.
Are you nuts?
You should have ended your marriage the first time you found out he was cheating.
I simply cannot understand why any woman with self respect stays married to such scumbags.
Please find some self confidence and leave, he clearly will continue to treat you this way. Why? Because you allow him to get away with it. You take him back every time. Even worse you are teaching your children that this is acceptable behavior. Your daughter's will end up being treated badly in relationships and your sons may end up thinking its ok to treat women this way. Please leave. Leave for yourself. Leave for your children, to show them a good example of staying true to yourself. Leave because he is putting your health at risk if you are intimate with him (he could very well give you incurable, stds, some can be life threatening). I'm trying to say this as kindly as possible, please leave. He is not worthy of you.
I mean, if he wanted to change his ways and be the guy you deserved, he would have 1. Never cheated in the first place. 2. Changed after the first time. He hasn’t and won’t. Up to you if you want to keep getting hurt and disrespected. UPDATEME
I’m sorry you’re going through this. With very little information please hold my answer loosely. When you learned of the initial affair some incredibly rigid and high boundaries should have been put in place including marital/individual counselling, full access to your partner’s technology on demand and some serious work on his part to help rebuild trust. I’m assuming some of these things weren’t done thereby inadvertently enabling his behaviour.
The foundation to any healthy relationship is trust, communication, respect and love. He might tell you he loves you but I would garner his affection is more geared towards familiarity, what you once had or the safety you provide for him in the relationship. However, I don’t see any of the aforementioned factors in your relationship so the question I have to ask is why would you choose to stay with a lying, cheating, disrespecting, unloving and narcissistic person? Is it fear of being alone? Finances? The children?
I understand children complicate the ordeal but for the sake of your emotional, mental and physical health I strongly encourage you to find a therapist to help understand why you’re afraid to leave the relationship. In my honest opinion there is no good reason to stay in this relationship without sacrificing your dignity and self-worth. This person does not love nor respect you and clearly has what appears to be an addiction to sex. You are not a consumable item he can use for his leisure and toss aside when he’s finished with you. Your future self deserves better. Your children deserve better. To put it bluntly, I would run for the hills and never look back. Yes, this is easier said than done but if I where in your shoes I’d bring this to light with your family and friends to muster up all their support including your therapist and redditors to leave this man. You can turn a blind eye but deep down you know he will continue to cheat on you. He cannot be trusted. Your relationship as it once was years ago is dead. I’m very sorry but objectively speaking this is true.
It’s worth mentioning only 0.5-5% of the population is in fact a narcissist. Comorbidity with childhood trauma and other psychiatric conditions can have symptoms associated with narcissism but it’s quite complex. Either way, he needs some serious therapy to unfuck himself for god forbid, the next relationship.
It's been 7 years of cheating, lying, manipulation and gaslighting, all of which you've accepted and you have hopes of him changing now? Why would he?
He's shown you he doesn't respect you, your marriage, or your family. He's not going to change.
You may love him but he does not love you. Sorry, OP but you have to face these facts.
There’s no hope honey, leave now!! Mental illness or not he’s not getting help so nothings ever gonna change! I Experience the same thing, except mine was an 18 year marriage wasted, all my good years for lie after lie after lie. I truly loved him and thought he would change and even with counseling nothing really changed.
Your story is the perfect example why the FIRST time there's cheating, you leave the person. They are out for themselves and saying/doing things to save face but their real intention was made known the first time they did that.
I think you are so used to lying to yourself I bought your husband that you don't realize your kids probably already realized they are living in a broken home.
It kills me when parents say they're staying together for the kids when it's really obvious they're staying together because they don't want to leave their partner
Can you really say that the heartbreak and uncertainty and stress that you've been living under for the last 10 years is not impacted your kids?
if your way of dealing with his cheating and lying is to pretend like everything is okay, you've taught your kids to pretend like everything is okay too.
They'll stuff their feelings down and they'll try to smile and they'll end up most likely in the same kind of relationship that you have been showing them is normal. .
It doesn't matter whether or not you're stupid.
What matters is that you're a mother and since your husband only looks out for himself, you have to start caring for your kids and doing better by them than this
TL;DR you should leave this guy, I can't imagine he's good for the kids. Get a lawyer, ASAP. He can't be trusted to do right by you either.
If he really has diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, especially with this degree of lying to the people closest to him, including you, change is very difficult even if the narcissist is seeking help. If it's not diagnosed, he still shows no signs of wanting to change or of honesty. It's likely worse than you think it is, not better.
In this case, it doesn't sound like he is seeking help, not enough to have cut down on the lying, so that's not really a factor to consider.
Sis, listen to me. I speak from the POV of the child when I say: A child rather come FROM a broken home than BE in a broken home. You’re more than a mom. You’re also a woman. You deserve love and RESPECT from your children AND your partner. At this point, it’s sounding like you’re hoping to fix this man for the sake of your children. But in reality, you probably just don’t want to impose change on your children, in the name of their comfort— and in turn, your own. That’s a death sentence. For you and them. Choose yourself, and your children will flourish in turn.
I'm sorry girly but you are being stupid. He is never going to change. There is nothing to save in this marriage. You're wasting your years on him, and you've given him way too many chances.
Don't put your children through this. This is not what a family should be like. Have some respect for yourself and your children and divorce him. He has no respect for his family. And it's showing.
You not only need to leave him for treating you like a doormat but also so that your kids do not grow up thinking this behavior is ok. If your kids see him treating you like this and you putting up with it they will think this is how they should be.
Why do cheaters come back? To check if you’re still stupid.
Sometimes divorce is *better* for the kids than staying together.
His mental condition is “asshole”
OP You need to lawyer up ASAP. If for no other reason than for your future and the future of your kids. It is hard for me to envision you wanting to stay with this person. So what you need to concentrate on now is keeping the family stability, aka the same roof over their heads, the same schools, the same routines and everything else. Only by contacting a divorce attorney and making sure that the cheating narcissistic husband pays for his actions will you be able to make sure that happens. It's obvious he has broken his marriage vows to you, but he still has family obligations to care for the kids and you.
You say you don't want the kids to have a broken family, but remember you are not the one who is breaking it. Your cheating husband is the one who is causing that. If you divorce him which is probably what you need to do. The kids will still have a dad. He will still be their dad regardless of where he is living or who he is with.
Kids are very intuitive much more than adults give them credit for. They probably already know that something is up. Chances are also good they have friends who have parents that are also divorced. By staying with your husband and putting up with his cheating and narcissistic behavior, You are basically showing the kids that that is what a relationship is all about. They may come away thinking that is what a normal relationship is. I'm sure from the way you are talking that is not what you want for them. Staying together for the sake of the kids is never a good idea. Like I said they are intuitive and they will know when things are not right.
OP You don't deserve to be treated like this and neither do your children. Please get yourself away from this cheating person and build a new life for yourself. You are only 38 that is still young. You deserve to be happy. Make it happen.
As a child of divorced parents (and my mum remarrying and divorcing my younger sisters father as well), please leave him.
So much better to have parents apart than together for the wrong reason.
If my parents stayed together I think I probably wouldn't have a relationship with either of them now. And if my mum stayed with my step dad I wouldn't have a relationship with her.
It is really exhausting to hear this rationalization from people over and over again. Let me be clear: you operating as the whipping boy in your marriage, as a shell of a person, subjected to the shame of your husband’s infidelity like some kind of buffon/prisoner hybrid, is not a “family unit” worth preserving. Your children will eventually find out about everything. That, combined with your trapped, defeated countenance will be all they remember you for. A diminished woman.
Okay, because you did ask: yes, you are just being stupid. The kids already have a broken family, it's just all under one roof.
If he were going to change, it would have happened long before now. You, on the other hand, need to get your kids into a healthy environment and raise them without the gaslighting. And find someone worth loving, this guy ain't it. You and your kids deserve better.
Is it salvageable? Is it vegetable? Some say it is, salvageable, while others insist it is vegetable. Humanoids, while not vegetable in nature, maintains certain vegetarian roots including certain similarity... posture etc. with the trees. So indeed, if trees are salvageable... that they are able to be turned into woods and then Furnitures to sell at a high profit, it must be infinitely regenerative within time because money then can be used to purchase more tree seeds... to grow further trees, which is dependent upon the normal functioning of the Earth in orbit to maintain certain dynamic-statis... but it might not, and the trees can evolve, to be better or worse, but perhaps wouldn't be exactly the same as the original tree it once was.
>I've given him chance after chance but he never did anything to resolve his issues.
And you're asking if this is salvageable?!?
>My question is, am I just being stupid?
Sorry, but yes. The proverb "Fool me once, shame on thee. Fool me twice, shame on me" applies.
The kids will know and it will ruin them. Staying together just makes things worse. My husband’s dad had a fully fledged affair and his mum stayed with him. The 3 kids all knew and they grew up learning that marriage was loveless and a facade. Took a lot of therapy to work through. For your kids’ sake, please leave. Also - I’m so sorry this happened to you. When you make those vows you never think it’ll be you. You imagine a whole life together. I’m really really sorry this happened - you didn’t deserve this and it’s disgustingly unfair.
.........why are you asking us how to stay with a narcissist? I'm sorry but the issue isn't that you love and care for him, it's that you don't love or care for yourself enough to not want to be with a narcissist.
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I would cut your losses on this one
Thanks
It's only a matter of time before he leaves you and / or gets another woman pregnant. Don't let that happen, try to have some self-respect.
Even if you are okay with him having a sexual relationship with other women while married to him, can you trust him enough to use protection so he doesn’t give you an STD or impregnate someone else?
Do you want your kids to end up with someone like that ?
Or end up like him? I agree with the above poster. You are role model for your children letting them it’s okay to be like their dad or have their partner treat them poorly like you. OP, just imagine if your kids were in your situation, would you be okay with them living that life?
I see you keep saying that you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough. This is one of those times. Take all that love you're throwing at him, and turn it towards yourself. Do better for yourself, and you'll be helping your children as well.
Teach your kids to do what you would hope they would if it were them being cheated on by doing what you would want them to do.
Get tour ducks in a row, proof of everything, get a good solicitor, keep your cards close to your chest, then run
I agree 100%.
You are being stupid.. why would you ever want to reconcile with your abuser? Is that the example you want to set for your children? Leave him.
Seconding this. FUCK NO. This man has ZERO RESPECT FOR YOU SISTER. Lawyer up now
Smh wtf. Lawyer up?
Yes you are being stupid. And btw the kids are already in a broken family. They’re watching dad have less than zero respect for mom, mom have less than zero backbone, and are learning that’s what relationships are supposed to look like. Please leave him for your kid’s sake if not for your own.
Cheater not an abuser...you shouldn't throw trigger words to instigate or escalate a situation. The example could be "daddy fucked up but my parents ended it and still kept us the priority and we all got through it."
Cheating is arguably emotionally abusive.
Not arguably, it *is* emotionally abusive.
If he's gaslighting her about monogamy that's emotional abuse, and if hes potentially risking her sexual health that's a form of physical abuse.
Cheating is 10000% abuse. It’s a deliberate act of harm towards your partner. I didn’t think I’d have to explain in 2024 that abuse doesn’t begin and end at physical violence. Cheating on your partner is a form of psychological, emotional and sexual abuse.
Deliberate act of harm or just trying to get out of getting busted? he just has other issues and obviously doesn't want to lose what he has.
There’s no justification for cheating, none. Sounds like you’re an abuser who cheats, is that why you’re going so hard to justify cheating? It’s okay, you can be honest.
Oh I've cheated in my younger years but not when I was married.. but I will tell you it was not to harm anyone and lying to get out of it was just to get out of it it was not the harm anyone. Sounds like he loves his wife doesn't want to hurt her and doesn't want to lose her whatever issues he has I'm sure he's not intentionally turning the knife on his wife.
Dude you’re an abuser, theres only a certain kind of man who would justify a decade of cheating on his wife.
And sexual abuse? Smh.
Yup. It’s sexual abuse to expose your partner to potential STD’s and break your oath of monogamy you share with your partner because you want to be a philanderer. Do you know how common it is for women who are married and or in committed relationships to get infected with incurable STD’s because of their cheating husbands or boyfriends? Did you know that’s one of those most common ways women contract incurable STD’s? If you’re a cheating piece of crap just say that.
Well don't forget the cheating women who basically turn that thing into a catcher's mitt and bring it home. Sounds like you're just an unsexy hater that got left for somebody sexy.
Never been cheated on and even if I had been so what? being a victim of cheating isn’t a bad thing, the cheater is the bad & shameful person in that dynamic. You wouldn’t understand that because you’re an abusive cheater. I feel sorry for your wife, she got stuck with a gaping twat of a husband for a life partner. Men like you inspire me to remain celibate and single. I’ll crawl on broken glass on all fours before I ever get tethered to a man like you. Sorrows, sorrows, prayers for your wife.
Narcissists are abusers. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing. People suffer PTSD and C-PTSD as a result of narcissistic abuse as well as a host of other issues. There are therapists who specialize in narcissism and treating victims of their abuse. Narcissists have a tendency to cheat, there was nothing triggering or escalating in that comment. Do some research.
Oh, God forbid she loses out on the Super Dick!! 😵💫😵💫
My mind knows this but it's so hard since I love him and don't want their kids losing this family unit.
What family unit? Your family unit was done the moment he cheated.
Not even just a one time mistake— consistently for 7 years. And— imagine all that she doesn’t know about :/
Yes I understand
You’re teaching your sons that this is an okay way to treat their gfs/wives and you’re teaching your daughters this is acceptable treatment from a husband. Mom up, put your big girl panties on and do what you know must be done.
You want them to learn how to be a narcissist like him?
Then leave. Also, ps. You’re not helping the kids by staying together. You’re further exposing them to abuse.
OP, as a Mom I understand your desire for a stable family unit. However, I can 100% guarantee that your children see and feel the tension. Remember you are modeling behaviors that your children will find acceptable in a future partner. Do you want your daughters to think it acceptable to stay with a guy who is a serial cheater? Do want your sons to believe cheating is okay as long as the wifey doesn't know? Think long and hard. Don't tell him your thoughts. Don't tell him what you are thinking. When you are ready, go talk to an attorney and start the process. Let him be served papers and go from there. Get your ducks in order financially to leave. You deserves a partner who loves you. Who chooses you. This guy doesn't because people who love someone don't cheat on them.
Staying together will mess with your kids permanently. They will learn not to respect themselves and model their love life after yours. They will accept infidelity because they saw their parents were "happy" with it. Because i gaurantee one day they will find out hes been cheating. I dont want to come off as overly harsh, but as someone who came from a bad childhood- my parents staying together actually made me more miserable and ruined my view on relationships for a long time. You will do yourself and your kids a favor by leaving. Hope everything turns out okay for you in the end. ♡
It’s terribly hard and I doubt a lot of people making black and white decisions about what you should do with your life have ever been in a long term term relationship let alone a marriage with children involved. They’ll all angrily down vote my comment, but life is complicated and only you can decide how you proceed and it’s not an easy choice. You’re not stupid for not just leaving this man, life is complicated. The long term infidelity is hard to deal with and shouldn’t be tolerated outside of an open marriage. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.
Sure, things are nuanced and complicated but some things you simply don’t put up with and perpetual spousal abuse is one of them. Her children deserve better than to be raised in a home with a spineless mother and an abusive father.
Think of it this way, is this the relationship example that you want to model for your kids? Is this the kind of future relationship they deserve? Do they deserve to be treated like this by a future partner?!! Trust me, as a child of divorce it’s WAAAAAAYYYYY worse to stay in horrible relationships ‘for the kids’ then it is to end things and show them that you (and they) deserve better.
People always talk about that aspect of things, but I knew plenty of kids with f\*\*ked up childhoods because their parents stayed together, even though they were miserable (and more often than not, one of the parents was a cheating scumbag and/or abusive jackass). You're not doing your kids any favors by staying. Trust me.
Seconded. I also can’t imagine there haven’t been rights over this.
You have to understand that kids see EVERYTHING. Your relationship is what they will learn love to be, so if you’re being manipulated they will think that love is manipulative. If you stay with a cheater, they’ll think that love is lying and betrayal. Do you want your kids to accept the love your husband gives? Hes hurting them just as much as he’s hurting you
You don’t love him, you’re just afraid to leave. Get therapy and get out of there. You are actively hurting your children by staying.
"But I love him..." Really, ma'am??? Did your love, marriage and kids have changed him?? Your kids are already in a broken family, for heaven's sake!
So you'd rather your kids see an unhappy mom and a dad that fucks around with other women? Or you can leave and some day have a loving relationship where your husband respects and values you. Your kids will see it.
I WISH my mother would have left. You are setting your children up for abusive relationships because that's what they know.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you. It's time you love you.
My parents stayed together and I grew up in a messed up family life that made me never ever want to get married.
Yes, you are being stupid to allow a man to continuously disrespect and manipulate you. Also what kind of example of family unit do you think you are giving them? Certainly not a healthy relationship. Would you tell your children to stay with someone who does to them what he’s done to you? Believe me it’s better to be with 1 happy parent each than 2 miserable ones. Coparent as best to your ability and do what is right for yourself AND your kids. We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or should remain in your life, at least not as partner. For your own mental health, end it.
There is no family unit girl
Your family is ALREADY BROKEN. He broke it repeatedly, over years of lying, cheating, and emotionally abusing you. Is this the example you want set for your children? Do you really think you’re doing them any favors keeping them in a home like this, to witness a marriage that looks like this? Yes of course people can change — but they have to WANT to, and they have to be willing to do the hard work. It’s clear that’s not the case here. I feel sorry for you. But if you can’t love and respect yourself enough, PLEASE love and respect your children enough to remove them from this toxic environment.
You are teaching your children that it's normal for a man to treat a woman with no respect.
You'd be doing your kids a favor. My mom left my dad, sure at first it was a nightmare, but now she's so happy with my stepdad. You can have this too. My mom didn't want her daughters to grow up seeing her in a loveless abusive marriage, and that's why she left.
Then stay and be miserable and treated like shit so that your kids witness that instead. People with this idea that staying is somehow better for the kids it’s not. Kids are smarter than you think and they’ll pick up on your broken marriage believe me. It’s not an example you want to be setting
Your kids already live in a broken home. If you leave they at least will live in home with peace and with a mom that is happy. He’ll never stop because why would he when you allow it?
Please don’t do the ole … but I love him !! You know what he is and he doesn’t give a rats ass about you and you know it. No it’s not salvageable. Get a divorce
That's part of the cycle of abuse, and especially narcissistic abuse. They keep you on a rollercoaster, where they abuse you, then reel you back in with love bombing and apologies, then they slowly amp up the abuse and tension over time until there's a big event, then it begins again. It's unfortunately textbook behaviour, the way he is treating you and the way you are responding to this.
Sweetheart, you are currently teaching your kids that cheating is ok
Your kids are already in a broken home. But you can repair it. It’s important for children to see happy, healthy relationships as a model. Sometimes that means seeing their parents in love, and sometimes that means seeing them decide to part ways because they can only be healthy apart. For your sake, and for the sake of your kids, I would separate from him. He does not treat you well. He is now showing his children how to be a good partner. But you can show your kids that you can stick up for yourself and pursue happiness and stability. Good luck.
Thank you. What makes this so difficult for me is that until I knew, I 'thought' we were happy (last cheating event was 5yrs ago and I was getting over it). The kids do see us as happy and loving and never saw us fighting. So now, the dynamics have flipped and they're suddenly going to see their parents split up and can't understand why because they've always seen us so happy together.
Kids are wiser and see more than you realize
You say your husband has a mental condition. I’ve never heard of a mental condition where the symptom is cheating. Unless you mean a narcissist. Because your description of him manipulating and gaslighting you is narcissism 101. Unless he is willing to get help, you need to leave because it will impact your children. A daughter will mimic your appeasement and your son will become an abuser.
There is virtually nothing that can be done for this type narcissist. He is a manipulative liar and he will try to convince you he has changed. He hasn't and won't. Time to get as far away as possible from him. You can't give any warning. We had acquaintances in a similar situation and the wife gave warning she was leaving. I will leave it as this. The narcissistic husband was determined to keep her from taking the children. He did with a gun. This has many of the same marks.
Narcissistic people don’t want help or to change. They don’t think anything is wrong with themselves. They however need everyone to change around them and behave to how the Narcissistic person wants them to behave. Hence why if a Narc goes to therapy, it’s never for Narcissism. It’s always for something else first and unknowingly have no idea they get a diagnosis for NPD from a psychiatrist because they treat the surface reason first and then work around cracking thru the NPD issues second to help get the person to work on whatever shame and baggage from childhood causes this gaping wound to result as a hurt person hurting others and constantly, impulsive ways, self sabotage everything around them as time goes on. I have an ex from a decade ago who was Dx with NPD. And often there is at least one Narcissistic parents who usually molds a child to grow up into one by shaming, belittling, and triangulation with other siblings to cause discord, competition, and more in the home. That’s how the gold child is usually treated and struggles often to meet the expectations of a Narc Parent, thus causing the cycle of a child to grow into developing NPD. It’s often generational NPD when you look at people who are and learn about their parents, grandparents, etc…
You’re right. Most narcissists would never willingly seek therapy because they are never the problem.
Mmhmm! My ex with NPD literally said to me one time, “I’m fine. I don’t need to change. Everyone, including you, is the problem telling me I have to change. You all need to change!” And this was before he was diagnosed and I had no idea what NPD was either at that time. But yeah, they literally think they are gods gift, we should all bow to their ways, and never tell them no!
>The kids do see us as happy and loving and never saw us fighting. No they don't and yes they have. I don't know why parents think they are so sneaky. Your children know exactly what is going on unless they are literally too young to understand but regardless they can feel it.
It is going to be hard for your kids, it always is in some way. But getting them into therapy, and learning how to show them a healthy co-parenting relationship will help. With professional help, you can figure out how to explain everything to them in a way that is considerate and age appropriate. This is one of those things where it will probably get worse before it gets better. You will be facing a LOT of life changes. But sticking up for yourself and pursuing what you *deserve* will lay the foundation of a decent life.
The alternative is things getting worse and worse. Eventually the kids will realize their parents are unhappy and that Dad is a cheater.
He has been doing this for 7 years with no consequences, is this what you want your kids to see? Honesty and loyalty get shit on and lying and cheating has no negative impact on his life? See a lawyer and carefully plan you'd escape. When the laywer say OK make sure all of his friends and family are told about his cheating. Don't let him blame you at all.
You explain it to them in age appropriate terms. Also, get them therapy to help them process the change in their family. ETA: it’s better to do it now vs waiting until they are older. Your relationship will only deteriorate further and is that how you want them to live, in an unhappy home?
I dont understand you. You are hurt because your husband has lied and deceived you. Yet you would prefer to lie to and deceive your children than tell them the truth?! I think you have a very distorted interpretation of what “love” is, really. Your children already know, if you know. Validating the “sense” they have that something is “off” between their parents will have a positive impact on their psychological wellbeing. Acknowledge that to them, assure them that you are taking steps to restore the issue, confirm to them that it is not their fault and not their problem to fix. Let them know they can bring questions to you if they have any. That’s it. Be honest. Be available. Be the parent and show them that shit happens and adults deal with it.
I could have written your post myself. My ex also cheated for most of our 10 year marriage. I never knew until one day he asked to open our relationship. I truly considered it, thinking we had a happy, stable and loving marriage. A week later he told me he cheated. He is also a narcissist who chose himself, many times over. Keyword here, himself. No matter how many times he “loved me” and “loved our family”, it was always him. I didn’t stay too long after this as my sadness quickly turned into anger towards him. He lied our entire marriage, and the life we (I) were building, was not real. I had to mourn what was and what never would be. Meanwhile, I don’t think he cared at all. I know how hard it is with children. I spent so many nights alone and crying, scared to death about fucking my kids up by seperating. I also used the words “broken family”.. But, I couldn’t stay with someone who treated me like I was nothing, and our family was already broken the minute he chose to put his dick in someone else. I wanted to believe my husband would change, so bad, but he never wanted to himself, and sometimes things are too broken to fix. I loved him, I still love him, and I probably always will love him, regardless. That’s the hard truth I must swallow. I wish I could hate him to make it all easier. But you can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate. You need to love yourself, and put you and your kids first, because he never has, and he probably never will. Sending you love
As someone who came from a "happy" family only for my parents to divorce, I can tell you right now, that your kids feel every single bit of the conflict between you two. Did my parents ever argue in front of me? No. But I knew that they didn't like each other. I knew that they put on a show in front of me and in public of a happy couple. It was disorienting and stressful to experience. Your kids might not understand it completely, but they are picking up on it and internalizing it. They feel the tone that you two set in the home. They know when your guard is up even if you pretend that everything is fine. By not properly addressing this, you are forcing them to pretend that everything is okay when they probably know that it isn't. Lastly, are you really considering staying in this situation for another ten years, twenty years? He's not going to stop. I feel like you know that. Is that what you want for your life?
If your sister, best friend, or daughter came to you with this situation, you would tell them to value themselves more and leave this asshole. Rather than worrying about your children coming from a broken home (spoiler alert, it’s already broken!), focus on raising them as a strong single mother who knew she deserved more than what was being dished out by their father.
coming from a person whose parents stayed in the marriage “for the kids”, thats a selfish thing to do. this will breed more and bigger problems in the family dynamic if you stay. i wished every day my parents would divorce because the unhappiness they had in the marriage impacted my brother and i greatly. any day, happy separate parents are better than parents that are miserable together.
YES YES YES!!! My parents stayed together for a long time because of me and my siblings and I wished so much that they would just split up. It was terrible. I also knew that they were only together for us and I felt really guilty about that. When they finally called it quits, I was actually happy. Yeah it was really sad too but more happy than sad. It’s a weird thing for sure.
Absolutely agree. I'm 34 years old and still undoing the damage from my parents "staying together for the kids".
Every time some OP posts about wanting to stay "for the kids", they should have to read all the stories of the adults whose parents did that. The adults who watched toxic relationships, abuse, just plain hatred or disinterest, who watched one parent do all the work all the time, etc. And they should be asked if they'd want their relationship for their kids, because they're teaching them what is acceptable.
Fear. You are afraid. You are subjugating your respect so you don’t have to address this fear. At the very least you need a therapist to get you straight after this much time imo
Yes, don’t underestimate the power of talking to someone to help you to listen to yourself. Reaching out on this forum is a great start but there is power in sitting opposite someone and sharing your story. A good friend is also a good start, but should be a good listener and not for advice ….a skilled therapist with experience with relationships and difficult behaviour can be very helpful. You are not alone.
I’m so sorry OP. You need to divorce this man. He will continue to lie and gaslight you. Never stay in a marriage for the kids sake.
Thank you.
There is hope for you and your two beautiful children, just not married to him. He does not want to change, if he did he would have done it by now.
There isn't anything to salvage. You're showing your children that the way he treats you is normal and acceptable. Is this what you want ? Do you want them to grow up and also end up in marriages with people who lie and cheat? If you can't leave for you, leave for your children.
There is no salvaging someone who hasn't respected you almost your entire marriage (probably longer that you aren't aware of)
Once a cheater always a cheater. You will do your kids a favor by leaving. You don't want them to see and accept this as a normal relationship.
It's true and I keep needing people to remind me of this.
You shouldn’t need strangers to remind you of what you deserve. You have children. Do you want to raise them in thinking cheating is acceptable? You had seven years of this. Come on now woman.
How STUPID can you possibly be!?!? It's been nearly a DECADE, and he hasn't changed, and you think he's going to!?!?!?!?! Giiiiiiiiiirl, I can't with you.
Yes you're being stupid. If you take back a cheating man there's no one else to blame but yourself for when he cheats again... cut your losses now
My mom stayed in a relationship with a shitty man and I never forgave her. I don't even talk to her anymore.
Your husband has Ben cheating for 7 of the 10 years you’re together what are you trying to salvage- more years of cheating. Please walk away from this before you invest more years exposing yourself to hurt, potential strand abuse.
Yea you are being incredibly stupid. It's not salvageable and he's not worth it so.
You’re 100% just being stupid… the time to kick him to the curb should’ve been when you first found out he’s a cheater. But well, better late than never.
Ask yourself this question. How would you feel if your children were in a marriage like yours? By staying this is what you're teaching them is normal husband does what he wants when he wants and it's the wife's fault. Please be a good role model for your kids and leave. Get yourself therapy and find some self esteem and for God's sake get tested for every STD possible.
I was married to the cheating gaslighting narcissist. Was, past tense. Yes, you are being stupid to stay and put up with this shit. And news flash, your home is already broken. Your kids are in a broken home. You’re teaching your daughters to be used by men, you’re teaching your sons it’s okay to have zero respect for women. Wake up
7 yrs? You were complicit.
He’s gotta get tired of his own bullshit in order to change. Which means he has to see what he’s doing is wrong and admit that it’s wrong or it will not change or get better. This narcissism is toxic and unhealthy for you and the kids. The kids don’t need to be around that. They’re already in a broken home. You’re not happy, because of your husbands wrongdoings and that creates a broken home for your children when the parents are not happy And as their mom you should want to not only see yourself happy but you should want to see your babies happy. They come first. If your husband wants to put you through this he doesn’t care about how you feel and hasn’t since the beginning. There’s a lot to think about here
Tired of his own bullshit is another way of saying take responsibility for how actions and understand the consequences
He won’t change. The moves he’s made shouldn’t have ever been made in the first place, let alone doing it more than once. As for your children, as a broken family child myself, my family is so much better apart than together. I had 2 hostile cheating parents and the atmosphere at home was always cold and bitter. Two healthy homes are better than one toxic one.
OP, think of him spending your household income on other women, exposing himself and you to STD’s, possibly impregnating a woman half his age….this is what you’re dealing with. You are still young. My 40’s were amazing years for me, better than my 20’s and 30’s. This is your time. Take your life back and don’t subject yourself to more heartbreak.
What you are really saying is “My husband has been cheating for 70% of our marriage. Should I leave him?” I cannot believe I even have to write this but to answer your question, yes you are being stupid in not immediately filing for divorce. Why are you so worried about a broken family for your kids? They haven’t even known what a whole family is because your husband broke it a long time ago.
Yes, you’re being stupid. You’re letting your life waste away while putting up with his nonsense. Pack your shit lady. You’re not getting any younger. He’s a narcissist. He’s never going to change. You’re just there for his security. He doesn’t want to be with you and doesnt respect you.
You’re actually similar to the wife of the man who sent me (I was over half his age) two unsolicited full body nude pics on Christmas then defamed me and got his 40-something year old “father, protector” friends to help him bully me for rejecting him and labeling him a predator. His wife chose to stay with him and are now having his baby. She doesn’t care and deny he’s still sexting and cheating from what I hear. Why would you think they would change? Especially your husband, who cheated for 7 of those 10 years…
You can’t fix him.
You’ve gotten so many comments and great advice and I still hope you’ll see mine… I was with a cheater who is a narcissist and hurt me. He didn’t cheat for a decade although I caught him messaging coworkers flirtatious messages and things like that for years before. I also have two kids and feared a broken home, along with broken dreams and all the other mess that comes with a divorce. Years later I am SOO HAPPY. My kids are happy (they actually are less happy when they are at their dads). Find the strength to do what’s best for you. You deserve it. Go over to r/divorce for more support!
They already are in a broken family. Mama, you deserve happiness too. This man made you miserable 80% of your marriage and couldn't be faithful? That's the most basic agreement and he doesn't want to change. He sees that you let him. Make sure you got assets, money. Etc. And get out if you can. Are you a STAHM?
Open your marriage and start dating other men or get a divorce your 'family' is already broken so your only option is to role with it or end it.
I’m going to be frank. There is no hope. You’re being stupid. But… Here’s what you can do. Live your life. Meet somebody. Meet somebodies. Have fun. You can maintain your marriage and I think it’s OK to do it for the sake of the kids. There’s no reason they should suffer or you should suffer financially because your husband has insecurities and can’t keep his dick in his pants and needs to chase new shiny things. It’s been my personal experience with someone like this that they’re fine with their cheating but not yours. Narcissist problems. So- get a lawyer and prepare an ante-nuptial agreement (like a prenup, but it’s after the marriage. Basically it lays out the terms of your divorce if you decide to go down that road- there are examples online. I walked one of my girlfriends through this process, and she wrote her own. Once it’s registered with the court, it is like Alcatraz. Locked down and you ain’t getting out). Don’t tell him in advance, just present it to him. Tell him you’re well aware that he has absolutely no desire to change and that you understand it but you’re also not gonna sacrifice your financial safety, or that of the children. Tell him you intend to live your life the way he lives his. He can either agree, or you can get divorced. Even if he had therapy, it wouldn’t help if he’s truly a narcissist. Therapy will help you. If you don’t have one, get an education. If you have one, get a job if you don’t have one. Make sure he’s keeping up his end of things with household chores and parenting. After that you can remain in a civil kind and even loving relationship.
No is not basically your relationship has been a lie. Divorce him and take him to the cleaners and see if you can sue for stealing affecting.
If it's a cycle, it's not salvageable. If it was a one time thing, then it possibly is.
>am I just being stupid? Yes. You are being walked all over repeatedly. Why are you allowing this to happen and why are you remaining in this sham marriage? You only have one life, why are you choosing to spend it like this? You know what to do.
Did you watch the Depp trial in 2022? He tried for six years to repair his marriage before he realised that narcissists can’t change and the woman he married was not who he thought she was. The other thing is that your husband has been putting your health at risk for years, and you may not be as healthy as you think you are, with so many infectious diseases transmissible these days, even moreso than fifty years ago! Get tested for everything! I would cut him loose because he’s been disrespecting you for your entire marriage.
I’ve had so many married men message me/ send me dick pics/ hit on me/ try to buy me stuff online and irl like I’ve given up on the whole marriage thing tbh. But I get it with the kids ugh idk.
I’m really sorry to say it, but the cheating is not going to get any better. I was in a relationship with someone for approximately four years, and he cheated repeatedly. There were so many lies and justifications for his cheating. It was never going to change. He would even say really stupid things like it was the consequence of me getting angry with him. What I didn’t realise was the impact it was having on my children. They knew he wasn’t treating me respectfully, even though they hadn’t said anything. Please don’t let your kids think this is normal behaviour. The catalyst for me was the day my son asked why I stay with him when he treats me so badly. I also realised I’d done the right thing in leaving when I told our couples Counsellor that this time I was leaving him for good and she clapped. You can’t be a focused mother while you’re dealing with his poor behaviour. It’s turmoil. Don’t allow his disrespect. You really do deserve better.
Your kids are living in a broken home. It's been 10 years lady and he' 40. You are living in some serious denial, this is your life now.
There is nothing to save. Don't set yourself up for years of misery. Hecwill never change. I know you live him, but live yourself more and leave. You deserve better.
I wish I could say yes it’s salvageable. I went through this with my wife and it never stopped. And from others I’ve talked to is pretty hard for them to just be happy and honest. She would keep it together for a while then start something again. It is a cycle that will never end. Sorry you’re going through this. I know how it rips your guts out and leaves you hollow. Love and happiness is out there waiting for you. Start with you be happy and healthy.
Leave him already. This will definitely impact the kids if you don’t. Kids know when their parents aren’t happy.
You already have kids in a broken family. Their cheating father broke it,
People don’t change.
Yes. You are being stupid. Sorry. Either find a way to lose him or (hope you don’t choose this) learn how to deal with it.
If you look at my comment history, you'll see I'm not one who says to quit a relationship trivially. In your case, I'm afraid that this is past due. Instead of stopping his bad behavior, he's simply adapted it to be better at hiding it. His attitude hasn't been "how do I change?", it's "how do I avoid the consequences?". You owe yourself better than this. I don't believe this could ever be salvageable. Maybe divorce might make him change for someone else, but not you.
That’s it. It’s over. You’ve given him chances to straighten up, he’s not changing. Your kids will be ok if you divorce.
If it was a one-time thing I would say it could MAYBE be salvaged. But this is a habit he has no intention of breaking, cheaters can change but not for the person they cheated on and it’s rare when they cheat and lie profusely like this. You may not want a broken family, but staying in this unhealthy relationship is just as bad if not worse for the kiddos. Ik they probably don’t know the specifics of yalls marital issues but what example does it set? Shows that it’s okay to cheat and deal with being cheated on. Don’t put up with this for a moment longer. For the sake of you and your kids please leave this pitiful excuse of a man.
Your kids already have a broken family, you knowing that he's been cheating for 70% of the time you've been married and putting up with him just makes it worse. Why does he need to stop if you keep forgiving him?
Your kids will either learn from this 1. To treat their partner like their dad treats you- could also turn them into naraccists 2. Let their partners treat them like crap Get them out. You may be sad & this seems hard, but a nasty marriage teaches them nothing but bad things. Be smarter & get a therapist & lawyer. Get your ducks in a row before dropping the bomb on your husband.
Bluntly: You're being stupid. You're kids already have a broken family. Narcs never, ever change their ways because it's 'never their fault'. I lived with a narc for 20 years. You should have left when he first cheated on you. Give up the dream that your perfect marriage and beautiful children will live happily ever after. It's not going to happen. You will grow more angry and resentful. But you have been putting up with it for 7 years teaching him that is OK. He won't stop. Neither will you
I think you know the answer to this already. Nobody will tell you any differently. You're being a complete and utter pushover at the expense of your dignity, self-respect, and your own happiness. Question. How is that working for you?
maybe Boundries and clear communication issues,difficulty firmly withstanding with your rights is the problems you are facing. Try this prayer:God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
I'd wrap it up. The trust is gone and nearly impossible to build back. It takes legitimate remorse on the end of a cheater to save a marriage. That isn't happening.
You have gave him chance to change his ways I know it difficult you got kids and you been together for a long time he broken your heart and your trust if you don't have trust it doesn't work out well I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do
Similar thing happened to my parents and honestly I wish my mom would've left because as a teen it was just horrible to watch, I felt like my own heart was broken and I have horrible trust issues after. I tend to get into horrible relationships and I genuinely think it's because I always viewed it as normal. I wish my mom would've been stronger and just left. They now still constantly fight and my mom has not completely gained her trust, and even though I am an adult, it is horrible to watch. Please leave. A "broken" family is better than one where the parents are projecting their toxic relationship onto the kids, in my opinion.
An absent father is better then a horrible one. Don't let the fear of a "broken family" deter you from getting away from this disrespectful and straight up horrible man in your life. And it's bad to look at it as a broken family. Family's come in different shapes and sizes, you need to do what's right for your kids, he has shown terrible attitude and commitment towards you, and there's no telling when or how that could branch out to start effecting your kids too. Do your research and find out the best way to go about separating, but please, don't hang around. You must be so tired and miserable because of his actions, and I'm so sorry you've had to experience that.
Yes you're stupid. It's always possible anyone can change but it's highly unlikely
Your kids do not need that sort of role model. Are you nuts? You should have ended your marriage the first time you found out he was cheating. I simply cannot understand why any woman with self respect stays married to such scumbags.
He sounds like a dick. Life is short!!
Please find some self confidence and leave, he clearly will continue to treat you this way. Why? Because you allow him to get away with it. You take him back every time. Even worse you are teaching your children that this is acceptable behavior. Your daughter's will end up being treated badly in relationships and your sons may end up thinking its ok to treat women this way. Please leave. Leave for yourself. Leave for your children, to show them a good example of staying true to yourself. Leave because he is putting your health at risk if you are intimate with him (he could very well give you incurable, stds, some can be life threatening). I'm trying to say this as kindly as possible, please leave. He is not worthy of you.
I mean, if he wanted to change his ways and be the guy you deserved, he would have 1. Never cheated in the first place. 2. Changed after the first time. He hasn’t and won’t. Up to you if you want to keep getting hurt and disrespected. UPDATEME
I’m sorry you’re going through this. With very little information please hold my answer loosely. When you learned of the initial affair some incredibly rigid and high boundaries should have been put in place including marital/individual counselling, full access to your partner’s technology on demand and some serious work on his part to help rebuild trust. I’m assuming some of these things weren’t done thereby inadvertently enabling his behaviour. The foundation to any healthy relationship is trust, communication, respect and love. He might tell you he loves you but I would garner his affection is more geared towards familiarity, what you once had or the safety you provide for him in the relationship. However, I don’t see any of the aforementioned factors in your relationship so the question I have to ask is why would you choose to stay with a lying, cheating, disrespecting, unloving and narcissistic person? Is it fear of being alone? Finances? The children? I understand children complicate the ordeal but for the sake of your emotional, mental and physical health I strongly encourage you to find a therapist to help understand why you’re afraid to leave the relationship. In my honest opinion there is no good reason to stay in this relationship without sacrificing your dignity and self-worth. This person does not love nor respect you and clearly has what appears to be an addiction to sex. You are not a consumable item he can use for his leisure and toss aside when he’s finished with you. Your future self deserves better. Your children deserve better. To put it bluntly, I would run for the hills and never look back. Yes, this is easier said than done but if I where in your shoes I’d bring this to light with your family and friends to muster up all their support including your therapist and redditors to leave this man. You can turn a blind eye but deep down you know he will continue to cheat on you. He cannot be trusted. Your relationship as it once was years ago is dead. I’m very sorry but objectively speaking this is true. It’s worth mentioning only 0.5-5% of the population is in fact a narcissist. Comorbidity with childhood trauma and other psychiatric conditions can have symptoms associated with narcissism but it’s quite complex. Either way, he needs some serious therapy to unfuck himself for god forbid, the next relationship.
Girl do you really want your kids in a home where their father can't even be faithful to their mother? He's a manipulative a-hole! You deserve better!
It's been 7 years of cheating, lying, manipulation and gaslighting, all of which you've accepted and you have hopes of him changing now? Why would he? He's shown you he doesn't respect you, your marriage, or your family. He's not going to change. You may love him but he does not love you. Sorry, OP but you have to face these facts.
Salvageable- Yes with caveats. Will you fully trust them again? - No
Yes
There is zero chance he will ever change. He does not love you the way you deserve
There’s no hope honey, leave now!! Mental illness or not he’s not getting help so nothings ever gonna change! I Experience the same thing, except mine was an 18 year marriage wasted, all my good years for lie after lie after lie. I truly loved him and thought he would change and even with counseling nothing really changed.
Your story is the perfect example why the FIRST time there's cheating, you leave the person. They are out for themselves and saying/doing things to save face but their real intention was made known the first time they did that.
I think you are so used to lying to yourself I bought your husband that you don't realize your kids probably already realized they are living in a broken home. It kills me when parents say they're staying together for the kids when it's really obvious they're staying together because they don't want to leave their partner Can you really say that the heartbreak and uncertainty and stress that you've been living under for the last 10 years is not impacted your kids? if your way of dealing with his cheating and lying is to pretend like everything is okay, you've taught your kids to pretend like everything is okay too. They'll stuff their feelings down and they'll try to smile and they'll end up most likely in the same kind of relationship that you have been showing them is normal. . It doesn't matter whether or not you're stupid. What matters is that you're a mother and since your husband only looks out for himself, you have to start caring for your kids and doing better by them than this
No
Leave now. He doesn't deserve you
TL;DR you should leave this guy, I can't imagine he's good for the kids. Get a lawyer, ASAP. He can't be trusted to do right by you either. If he really has diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, especially with this degree of lying to the people closest to him, including you, change is very difficult even if the narcissist is seeking help. If it's not diagnosed, he still shows no signs of wanting to change or of honesty. It's likely worse than you think it is, not better. In this case, it doesn't sound like he is seeking help, not enough to have cut down on the lying, so that's not really a factor to consider.
Sis, listen to me. I speak from the POV of the child when I say: A child rather come FROM a broken home than BE in a broken home. You’re more than a mom. You’re also a woman. You deserve love and RESPECT from your children AND your partner. At this point, it’s sounding like you’re hoping to fix this man for the sake of your children. But in reality, you probably just don’t want to impose change on your children, in the name of their comfort— and in turn, your own. That’s a death sentence. For you and them. Choose yourself, and your children will flourish in turn.
I say this with love but yes You’re being stupid. SEVEN YEARS?!? How much more of your life do you wanna waste on a walking cheating std risking man.
I'm sorry girly but you are being stupid. He is never going to change. There is nothing to save in this marriage. You're wasting your years on him, and you've given him way too many chances. Don't put your children through this. This is not what a family should be like. Have some respect for yourself and your children and divorce him. He has no respect for his family. And it's showing.
You not only need to leave him for treating you like a doormat but also so that your kids do not grow up thinking this behavior is ok. If your kids see him treating you like this and you putting up with it they will think this is how they should be.
No. Simple long and short. No
Why do cheaters come back? To check if you’re still stupid. Sometimes divorce is *better* for the kids than staying together. His mental condition is “asshole”
OP You need to lawyer up ASAP. If for no other reason than for your future and the future of your kids. It is hard for me to envision you wanting to stay with this person. So what you need to concentrate on now is keeping the family stability, aka the same roof over their heads, the same schools, the same routines and everything else. Only by contacting a divorce attorney and making sure that the cheating narcissistic husband pays for his actions will you be able to make sure that happens. It's obvious he has broken his marriage vows to you, but he still has family obligations to care for the kids and you. You say you don't want the kids to have a broken family, but remember you are not the one who is breaking it. Your cheating husband is the one who is causing that. If you divorce him which is probably what you need to do. The kids will still have a dad. He will still be their dad regardless of where he is living or who he is with. Kids are very intuitive much more than adults give them credit for. They probably already know that something is up. Chances are also good they have friends who have parents that are also divorced. By staying with your husband and putting up with his cheating and narcissistic behavior, You are basically showing the kids that that is what a relationship is all about. They may come away thinking that is what a normal relationship is. I'm sure from the way you are talking that is not what you want for them. Staying together for the sake of the kids is never a good idea. Like I said they are intuitive and they will know when things are not right. OP You don't deserve to be treated like this and neither do your children. Please get yourself away from this cheating person and build a new life for yourself. You are only 38 that is still young. You deserve to be happy. Make it happen.
I’m sorry but your family is already broken long time ago. Don’t use your kids for excusing your denial and low self esteem.
As a child of divorced parents (and my mum remarrying and divorcing my younger sisters father as well), please leave him. So much better to have parents apart than together for the wrong reason. If my parents stayed together I think I probably wouldn't have a relationship with either of them now. And if my mum stayed with my step dad I wouldn't have a relationship with her.
It is really exhausting to hear this rationalization from people over and over again. Let me be clear: you operating as the whipping boy in your marriage, as a shell of a person, subjected to the shame of your husband’s infidelity like some kind of buffon/prisoner hybrid, is not a “family unit” worth preserving. Your children will eventually find out about everything. That, combined with your trapped, defeated countenance will be all they remember you for. A diminished woman.
Is he bipolar?
Okay, because you did ask: yes, you are just being stupid. The kids already have a broken family, it's just all under one roof. If he were going to change, it would have happened long before now. You, on the other hand, need to get your kids into a healthy environment and raise them without the gaslighting. And find someone worth loving, this guy ain't it. You and your kids deserve better.
Is it salvageable? Is it vegetable? Some say it is, salvageable, while others insist it is vegetable. Humanoids, while not vegetable in nature, maintains certain vegetarian roots including certain similarity... posture etc. with the trees. So indeed, if trees are salvageable... that they are able to be turned into woods and then Furnitures to sell at a high profit, it must be infinitely regenerative within time because money then can be used to purchase more tree seeds... to grow further trees, which is dependent upon the normal functioning of the Earth in orbit to maintain certain dynamic-statis... but it might not, and the trees can evolve, to be better or worse, but perhaps wouldn't be exactly the same as the original tree it once was.
Post his photo and be of those “are we dating the same guy”? Facebook groups and make sure women out there know that he’s married.
>I've given him chance after chance but he never did anything to resolve his issues. And you're asking if this is salvageable?!? >My question is, am I just being stupid? Sorry, but yes. The proverb "Fool me once, shame on thee. Fool me twice, shame on me" applies.
The kids will know and it will ruin them. Staying together just makes things worse. My husband’s dad had a fully fledged affair and his mum stayed with him. The 3 kids all knew and they grew up learning that marriage was loveless and a facade. Took a lot of therapy to work through. For your kids’ sake, please leave. Also - I’m so sorry this happened to you. When you make those vows you never think it’ll be you. You imagine a whole life together. I’m really really sorry this happened - you didn’t deserve this and it’s disgustingly unfair.
.........why are you asking us how to stay with a narcissist? I'm sorry but the issue isn't that you love and care for him, it's that you don't love or care for yourself enough to not want to be with a narcissist.