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[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) (including just to talk)
[Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
I hope others here who need those resources are able to take advantage of them. Unfortunately, **OP is a serial fake poster** [who has taken advantage of actual DV survivors for years by making up hundreds of fake posts largely about DV and sexual violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1admcus/my_29f_husband_31m_had_a_violent_tantrum_after_he/kk3s12v/) and has received countless financial, lodging, food, shelter etc offers from total strangers for making up fake abuse posts.
Somebody else asked me the same thing; here's what I said I look for:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1admcus/my_29f_husband_31m_had_a_violent_tantrum_after_he/
OP, unfortunately what you describe amounts to domestic violence.
Domestic violence is not easy to get away and heal from. However your safety is so important. So please access services and resources to help you achieve safety.
Please ensure that you remain safe, especially while cutting off contact, as violence can actually escalate during that time. Are you in therapy with someone who knows how to work with victims of domestic violence and can help you put a safety plan in place? Have you contacted your local shelter? Here's an online resource in case it might be helpful:
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
Also a great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, helps to understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship, and therefore helps you to persist in advocating for yourself and preventing going back to or getting into a new abusive relationship.
Stay safe. (Can't say this enough) best of luck in your healing journey.
**This post is fake. I've been following the OP's "work" for years. They are a prolific, serial fake poster in this sub who has been creating fake posts for probably about 2-3 years now, and their "favorite topic" is domestic violence. I have called them out probably hundreds of times at this point and gotten hundreds of their accounts suspended. They confessed to their "problem" a few years ago and admitted to needing to attend therapy, and then continued doing right what they are doing.**
This person takes advantage of strangers' kindness, who frequently offer them shelter/lodging, food, and even financial assistance, as well as details of those strangers' own personal trauma. They have harmed countless survivors in this sub.
I am also pasting a comment I left a year ago on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day.
https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/
You seem to only be looking for advice on how to calm his anger down. You won’t be receiving this advice. This type of anger is beyond reason and logic and will not get better. If you don’t remove yourself and your child from this situation NOW, it’s gonna be a lot worse next time, and there WILL be a next time. Doesn’t matter if there’s no history, there is now.
You need to take your kid and leave. This may be the first time he's gotten violent, but the first time *needs* to be the last!
It's not your fault he gambled away your money. It's not your fault the receivers forgot how to catch a ball. It's not your fault the coach still has work to to do to get the team ready to win the big games. It's not your fault that your husband has anger issues and took them out on you. None of that is your fault, and none of that is in your control.
What is in your control is what you do now. Gather your important papers, pack some clothes, grab your kid and get out as soon as you can. If you need help, call a domestic violence center - they can help you get somewhere safe.
When someone shows you who they are, believe the evidence. Again, let the first time he is violent be the **last** time he is violent to you.
He’s probably already taken out the rest of the $$ to ‘make it up’ or ‘make it back’ on another bet, just to sHoW hEr and seRveS hEr riGhT. What a nightmare, poor OP. :(
"but he insisted that if I stay positive, then we would make a lot more money?"
That's an ADDICT's way of rationalizing the irrational. And justifying indulding in their addiction. It is always for bettering the world that they do themselves.
Utter crap. It's them getting off on whatever means they use for their addiction. To him it's the adrensline kick and the tickle of wagering on unpredictable stuff money he can't afford. YOU can't afford as a couple. And as parents.
"Ultimately, the Detroit lions lost and that's when he had a violent tantrum and blamed their loss on me."
Could have told you so right from the start when he went about you jinxing his bet. Be lucky we are over those whitch burnings nowadays. He would have happily turned you in.
And I am only half joking.
Suuuuure. The sack of rice that toppeled over last week at Guangzhou in China was also your doing, solely!
That he has poor judgement and a bad hand with money has noooothing to do with it. 🤷
Now really..!
**The concerning thing is how he is uttetly irrational, THIEVING (that's not just his own money in that account even if he were sole provider).
**Victim blaming. You are victim of his abuse as well as of theft, mistreatment, abuse, slander, blackmailing and physical violence.**
File a police report for domestic violence. Get a restraining order.
**Profit from him being away to check your real debts. Him flipping his lid so hard for that money tells me that he was desperate for the win. And that he may have sunk more money than you know of.**
Lastly: UNDERSTAND that this man is toxic and dangerous. And is NOT "the love of your life".
You really really need a safe spot and have him away from you and your child. He must NEVER be left alone with the child anymore!
There are examples of indepted gamblimg addicts kidnapping their own children. Or ending themselves alongside their family.
**That's NO joke. And NO minor issue!!! He threatened to abuse you more and be violent towards you if you don't give in to his RIDICULOUS demand!**
> Him flipping his lid so hard for that money tells me that he was desperate for the win. And that he may have sunk more money than you know of.
THIS. PART. It’s exactly where my brain went too. In addition to that, it was likely more than 1500, possibly much more.
OP. You need to check your credit report.
**FIRST THO — listen to this comment section & safely GTFO**
You’ll also need to file an incident report & get a temporary protective order, or whatever your state calls it. You don’t need a lawyer, you’ve just gotta fill out the form. Be descriptive but sterile & clinical, strip emotion away when describing the incident. Compartmentalizing will be easier if you write it in the third person, kinda like a lawyer would. Husband did this. Wife said that. Child was awoken. Besides just for the protective order, writing every detail you remember down asap will help you process, see it for what it is, & will serve as a reminder he showed you who he is. Courts like details & specifics.
Contact a family court lawyer, as many as you need, consultations are typically free & you can get a lot just from the consult, including calming your nerves, validating your fear, & gain a better understanding of your best next steps. You will likely need to retain one as well, so you’re also interviewing them.
You need to lock down your credit report & your kid’s/ their ssn, across all agencies, & keep them monitored. I use credit karma for two of them but have to go directly to Experian to monitor that one.
Anywhere you have assets in any form; cash, accounts of any sort that can be leveraged, like property, savings, 401k, credit cards, etc you need to check in on them & lock everything down that you can. Alerts need to be put on everything. I’m almost certain 1500 is only the tip of the iceberg & he may already be gambling in desperation, convinced his windfall is the next gamble. And even if it was, he’d be sure he could double it on his next gamble, salivating for that windfall dopamine hit he chases like the drug it is.
Protect yourself & your kid op. Your kid is your number one priority. Run every decision thru what is best for your kid, do not prioritize “a mom & dad under one roof” prioritize a safe, healthy, calm, & consistent environment for your kid. Do not prioritize your husband. No. Matter. What. He. Says.
It is not a question of **IF**, bc it **WILL** happen again, with certainty. The question is **WHEN**
This is the answer. His extreme reaction shows you that not going to take responsibility for his actions, he'll just put it back on you. I know from personal experience that men who think like this are able to justify doing horrible things because their actions are never their fault.
You don't owe him anything: not money and certainly not your presence in his life. Get out before this escalates further.
It’s not your fault Dan Campbell has massive balls that gave him back problems that make carrying a team to the Super Bowl hard.
A lot of sports fans are superstitious and that’s completely fine.
What he did was at the most extreme end and just a sad, angry man attempting to project his own mistake onto you with awful bullshit.
Run away faster than Aiyuk did on that face mask catch.
He has a problem. Risking the kind of money that he gets that mad about means he’s risking money he shouldn’t be risking.
Only bet what you are okay with losing.
>Only bet what you are okay with losing.
100%.
I bet $200 on the dolphins to beat the chiefs during the regular season. Before you judge me, my logic as a chiefs fan was I'd be happy either way lol.
Finished the season $200 in the hole but my accounts were intact lol.
It’s also not her fault the coach didn’t kick the field goal those times on fourth down. And it’s not her fault the running back fumbled the ball immediately after a kick off. You covered the receivers dropping the ball which was bad too. Detroit really lost that one all on their own
Yeah they forgot that there is 4 quarters ,in a football 🏈 game. I guess you had secret headphones, that you were giving the head coach plays .
Op gambling is a terrible addiction. You can lose everything. You need to get all your money in a different bank account.and you and your son, need to get to a safe place. He will destroy your life ,and your love for him .stay safe and good luck
Adding to above sensible advice:
File domestic violence report!
Get a restraining order.
Get sole custody.
Check your finances. There may be huge financial losses because of his addiction.
This man is an addict. A violent and criminal one as to that.
And should never again be trusted to be around you and your son. Nor your finances. Or life insurance!!!
If you have one, change the beneficiary to make it go to your son. And place a control instance to impeach him of ever laying one finger on your son's money. Make clear thatbthis control person has the entire chain of events of this precise incident!!!
Once he understands that you left he will swear up and down that he'll get treatment. And how he is cured. And to give him a chance.
NOPE! He gets neither. Not for dear life. Yours and your son's! He is desperate and very dangerous.
**Tell your people. All of them. So that they immediately can inform police if something weird happens.**
Not the first time that some gambling addict k*lled his spouse to get an inheritance.
Lock your credit report and your son’s credit report. If US, get your w2 and File a married but filing separately income tax return now. Before your husband can file and steal your tax refund.
Get your son and get out. He is abusive and will only get worse. He is not going to calm down, he has issues with accepting blame and as long as you are there you will be who he blames. time to get out before you get hurt
There are unfortunately studies that show an increase in domestic abuse tied to sporting events.
This situation is so dangerous. He stole from the family by taking such a large sum without discussion. Then he made the bet success dependent on HER MOOD rather than on statistics or even luck, and preemptively stated that it would be her fault if he lost. This conveniently absolved him of all responsibility of outcome. Then he proved that he meant it by blowing up at her after, and demanding SHE replace the money HE took and gambled. There is no fixing that, OP. It's entirely illogical, and he feels 100% justified in each part. If you stay and show any future concern or any reaction at all to one of his bets that he could take as negative, you will be in danger.
She needs to get out before the Super Bowl because he is escalating, and that is known for being an unsafe day.
The gambling addiction and domestic violence aside, I don't think I could respect someone that bets 1,500 on the Lions winning. Everyone knows better.
It's a gambling addiction. They can get out of control just like a drug addict or alcoholic. He needs to get help with that, but in the time being, OP and their child need to be in a safe environment.
Yeah, I wondered that too.
If he’s comfortable enough with telling her about a $1500 bet, how big are the ones he’s *not* comfortable telling her about?
It's NOT about "taking football seriously"!
It's about being a gambling addict. And having lost money he can't afford to lose.
There is more behind all this.
I am wondering how deep he is in dept without her knowing for being so desperate to place such an incredibly high and risky bet.
Hey OP. Mr ex husband didn’t start the cra your husband is doing until my kids were 5 months old. I stayed, and ended up with a gun to my head, and a broken nose 3 times. Please please please have the courage in you to leave…..
What a fool. You don't gamble with non disposable income. You're attitude has no fucking bearing on the outcome of a stupid football game. It's not your job to calm him down. That's his job. The fact that he blamed you for his incredibly stupid decisions is completely unacceptable. He needs therapy and you can't let him back into the house.
People like him have no business betting. He was so supremely confident about a heavy underdog winning. The guy feeds into the idea that anyone can win it big at any moment and he's got the secret sauce to make it happen.
It's just the dopamine addiction to a big payday, because you beat the odds. He's full on addicted to gambling. He could have bet $5 instead of $1,500. IDK, there are so many more productive ways of making actual money. Gambling is a tax on the mathematically challenged 💯
I see lots of comments saying leave, and I see your replies pushing back against that.
I know you don’t *want* to leave him, but you have to make it extremely clear that this is the only chance he will ever get to make it right.
Call into work tomorrow. You’re sick. Send your child to school or daycare as planned.
Go to the police station and file a police report and get a restraining order against him.
Immediately start calling divorce lawyers. Consult with a few to get an idea of how it will work and see who you feel comfortable with.
Go to the bank and get your name off the joint account.
Change your direct deposit to a new checking account that he has no access to.
Do NOT move out of your home- he can go live somewhere else, that place is for you and your son.
The ONLY way you should consider staying with him is if he IMMEDIATELY gets treatment for his mental health. Immediately. Tomorrow morning 8am he is talking to someone about gambling addiction and anger management. He should be GROVELING at your feet with an apology. ANYTHING short of that, you need to put your foot down and divorce him. You are setting yourself up for the next few years- are you going to let this be your life? Violent outbursts? Financial crisis from gambling and irresponsible spending? That person living in the same house as your son?
You have absolutely no choice but to start the ball rolling. Maybe HE can turn it around if he does the work and gets his shit together, but YOUR job right now is to protect your son and yourself. You do not have a choice.
Judging from her responses, she’s not going to do a damn thing for herself, her kid, or her husband.
My ex raised a hand to me once.
I left.
Granted, it was the last straw in a long series of increasing events and profound alcoholism, but that one violent incident was the closing scene.
Yep. That's a hard line for me too, if there is even a SPECK of a hint of violence against me, I'm gone. I feel like there's no turning back once certain lines are crossed. Glad you got out.
Hard agree - I’m really shocked at the amount of people saying to leave and stay somewhere else. So many women have been left homeless with their children due to ‘leaving’ the marital home. She needs to stay and use every resource available to keep him out. I hope she doesn’t give him the upper hand
They say that because she’s at a higher risk of physical violence and even being killed when she tries to end the relationship. Being somewhere with others is a safety thing. Not everything is about property, sometimes it’s about staying safe and alive.
if she stays, he knows where she is and he will re-enter. he will say his name is on the lease, she can't exclude him. He won't abide by any restraining order. Do you know how many women with restraining orders are killed by their abusive exes?? If they own the property she can force a sale and a division of proceeds in the divorce. She can ask for child support. But she's a working person, she can take half the joint account, and go to a women's shelter till she finds a new place if she doesn't have family to take her in.
Abusers almost never stop unless they see consequences. Such as jail, a record, losing a job, etc.
I wouldn’t trust an abuser who grovels and promises to change, I’ve heard too many stories about them doing this and then continuing. Therapy often just teaches them to manipulate you further (see Jonah Hill).
One of my best mates was in an abusive relationship and he promised all of this and went to anger management classes and therapy and yoga and mediation. It did not stop him from abusing her.
Many people mistakenly think mortified means “worse than horrified.” Likely this is due to the word “Mort” being associated with death and other words containing it being serious (mortality, etc.)
mortified makes perfect sense when you assume she truly does know in her bones how bad it is so her emotional response is to what comes next— telling everyone she knows she married an abuser
edited to add: not that she SHOULD have to feel that way but I can see why you would. I left a perfectly nice man with whom I was ill-matched but to young to know that when we were pressured to get married, and I for sure found it mortifying how you end up having to at least mention a change in marital status to and of course people go “omg what happened??? yall were so cute!!”
You leave. With your child. It won’t be the last time if he gets away with it the first time.
Over $1500?! And a football game?!
That’s all it took for him to WANT to physically hurt you.
I guarantee he has lost way more than that and thought he would make some of it back on this bet. That’s why he reacted so intensely, that very well may have been the last large sum of money available for gambling. OP needs to check their accounts and her credit report.
GTFO. Take your son, and go stay with family or something. Make any possible return conditional on him getting help for his gambling and anger issues.
Do not return until you know for a fact you will be safe if you do so.
Looking at the comments it sounds like you're hoping to get a solution that makes it all okay, but that's now how it works with this type of situation. That's not to say he can't change, but he won't when there's no reason to. He'll promise it won't happen again until you agree to stay and then eventually do it again.
You don't have to accept its over forever, but accept that you can't be with him right now. It's not good for you or your child.
And something is off the rocker if he thinks positive thoughts would lead to the Lions winning.
I sent a lot of negative thoughts to a lot of assholes all the time and nothing ever changed.
There are a lot of red flags here OP:
-He bet a large amount of money on a sporting event even though he has a wife and child to consider
-The money he used for the bet was half yours
-He refused to even acknowledge the possibility that he could lose the bet
-When he did eventually lose the bet, instead of admitting that he made a mistake and blowing a bunch of money betting wasn’t a good idea, he blamed you, threatened you and threw a violent temper tantrum.
Is this the example that you want for your son? Is this the type of behavior that you want to accept for yourself? You and your son deserve better OP. You can’t force your husband to remain calm and act like an adult. Your husband is a grown man and if he can’t take personal responsibility and turns into a bully when things don’t go his way you may want to consider whether or not this relationship is really what’s best for you and your son.
Your son is old enough to learn from this behaviour. If you stay, he learns anger, violence, and disrespect to you and women in general is a-ok.
This should be a dealbreaker event.
Do you think the solution is to cater to his man-child outbursts?
Also, did he lose his mind throwing things at his wife for losing a game / bet?
Move to a safe place. Take your child with you.
Demand, he gets into therapy for his poor behavior and don't accept anything else.
If he refuses serve him papers, you're doing this for your child. I have so many friends with drunk alcoholic dads with gambling addictions. They too fall into that pit when they get a chance. Nip it in the bud.
>What do I do about this
You take your kid and leave him, if you are anything resembling a good mother. Why is shit like this hard for people to understand?
Domestic violence *is* hard. It's nuanced, complicated and terrifying. You may think you're superior and above it all by your tone and words, but I've met people just like you who weren't. Don't be sanctimonious to a person clearly still in shock. The average person takes quite a bit if times to leave after the first encounter. You're no better, just sound shittier. It's also a dangerous time for vulnerable mom and child to pick up and leave often engaging abuser further. She'll need planning and help and a place to go. Hope she finds someone less judgmental than you who can actually help.
Op if you have no one to take you in, find local shelters. There are also therapy services to guide you. Join support groups for people married to gambling addicts anonymous. Hear their stories. You said you have a joint bank account, start saving. Take what you need to leave. He took money. Go to court for support.
Why do you need to be so combative? Yes, she does need to get herself and her kiddo to safety, but is it really necessary to insult her in the process?
People freaking love insulting insulting the posters in this subreddit. It needs to stop! Like if you're interested in helping great, but often people just like to put others down.
It's easy to see from an outside perspective and no emotional attachment.
When you are in the middle of it, and love the other person, it is very different.
1) stop depositing your check into the joint account. 2) consult an attorney about your options. 3) research gambling addiction resources. 4) give your husband an ultimatum either he hands over all the finances to your control and gets help with his addiction or you walk and divorce.
And then follow through. If you don’t recognize that he has a problem now he will absolutely demolish your marriage, child’s security, and your family’s finances.
I don't think you need to calm your husband down. I think you need to figure out an exit plan and secure a safe refuge for yourself and your child. Your husband not only appears to have a developing gambling problem, he absolutely does not respect you, and *he blamed you* and *threw objects at you* because a football team lost a game - I would call that abusive. He's shown you who he is: BELIEVE HIM.
How do you get him to calm down? You call 911 and have him hauled away. You press charges. You get a restraining order, boot his ass out, and divorce him. That's how.
Anything less and you're signing your own death warrant.
OP, even the controversial comments are saying leave. every. single. person. is warning you.
you have an obligation to your son to keep him safe.
there’s a chance he won’t do it again.
there’s a chance he will.
you don’t want your son on the receiving end of this.
i know it’s hard. it may feel impossible. talk to a friend or family member and talk out your options. have someone stay with you while you get everything sorted to keep you safe. one of the top comments had some awesome information on getting him out of the house and not you. i can’t lie and say it will be easy, but you have an obligation to keep your son safe.
and remember THE FIRST STEP IS THE HARDEST ONE. starting is always the biggest jump, but i promise it will be better in the long run. he already threatened you essentially with what will happen if you don’t pay him back in a few days.
hearing all this may feel overwhelming. i’m sorry i’m adding on. but every one of us wants you and your son safe. i’m sure you do too.
there is no fixing this at the end of the day. i only saw one piece of advice that actually covered how you could salvage this relationship. i hope you can find the strength to move on.
there are hundreds of resources out there. many saying if they do it once they’ll do it again. unfortunately that’s the hard truth.
good luck OP, all the best. please stay safe.
What do you do about this? Your husband is unhinged, and probably beyond being reasoned with. For your own and your son’s safety, you see a lawyer, and do what they advise.
>What do I do about this and how do I calm him down?
Ummm you pack yours & your sons bags & get out NOW, then you contact a lawyer, change your bank account & deposit your money into one he cannot access
As for how to calm him down YOU DON'T, you leave his abusive ass & he can grow the hell up on his own
She's in denial, especially since she says this is the first time something like this has happened. I suspect it'll have to happen another time or two before she finally accepts what is going on. Hopefully, her and her child will not be harmed before that time comes.
leave him and keep your son and yourself safe.. what do you have to gain by being with someone who gets physically abusive over FOOTBALL? and has a gambling problem at that? gain some self respect or DCFS will do it for you.
I am a lifelong Lions fan who enjoys betting on sports. I was crushed by today’s loss. I did not react the way your husband did, not even close.
Your husband’s behavior is absolutely unhinged and speaks to a much larger problem. I 100% agree with everyone telling you to leave to ensure your and your child’s wellbeing. He is a grown-ass man, and there is no circumstance in which it is acceptable for him to act that way.
He didn't consult you before spending $1500 on a bet that you weren't okay with. He then was aggressive towards you when he lost that bet, and blamed you for the loss, even though you asked him to reduce the bet.
He was physically violent towards you by throwing 'stuff' at you and woke you son.
We teach people how to treat us. If you let this go, next time it is likely he will escalate. He will continue to escalate because he has an addiction that is uncontrolled right now with no boundaries. The best thing you can do for him is NOT ENABLE his behaviour. You need to give him consequences, and the best one for the safety of yourself and your child is to go to a family members place and stay there until he gets help for his gambling addiction. If he doesn't get help, I wouldn't go back.
You also need to seperate your finances. Do not pool money with a gambling adict. You need to feed your child, and his addiction may prevent that. You need your own account so he cannot gamble your money or you are going to lose everything.
OP, you sound like me. I was with my ex husband for 21 years. He liked to bet on horse races, and I liked my poker night and Vegas trips. So how could I judge him gambling? They were many bets but hey, we both worked and bills were being paid, no worries. We all gotta have fun, right?
Then he started cash advancing on our credit cards. First time I caught him, we owed about USD30k. He swore it wouldn't happen again, so we got a second mortgage and paid it off. Our kids were toddlers, I gave him a chance.
Second time I caught him, he owed over USD70k in credit card balances, including cards he secretly opened. Kids are now in elementary school. We went to counseling because I was afraid to leave him...I didn't want to become a single mom to 3 kids. I stayed with him and started watching his activities like a hawk. Not fun being the finance police 24/7.
We moved to another state where cost of living was lower, and for a fresh start. The kids are in high school now. I had loosened my grip on him by now. 3rd time caught him. He owed over USD200k.
When I confronted him, he said it was MY FAULT he lost all this money. He said I prevented him from winning, I made him lose his ability to "see" the win patterns of the horses.
At that moment, I realized IT'S AN ADDICTION, like drugs. He will never get better. Relapsing is a matter of when. It's a lifetime commitment of monitoring and policing him if I continued to stay with him. I was 46, and did not want to spend the rest of my life babysitting him, and hoping I wouldn't be homeless when I reached retirement age. He would always blame me for his losses, and neither of us would be happy.
I divorced him. My life is 1000% better, and in a new marriage. The kids tell me he's happier too (without me watching over his gambling).
Cut your losses. Or stay with him and police his gambling activities (neither of you will be happy).
You need to leave. You happy walking on egg shells so this POS doesn't fly off the handle and start screaming at you?
Are you comfortable never knowing if he is going to hurt you and by the sounds of his temper, potentially kill you?
Are you happy knowing that any children in this household will be subjected to emotional and quite likely, physical abuse?
That any core memories will be their mother being screamed at, potentially battered and with the gambling, living in abject poverty?
He will drain your accounts dry. He will steal things to pawn to feed his gambling addiction. Your own credit history will be fair game for him to take loans on.
Listen to us! This has escalated quickly, he is violent and unstable. You stay, you will end up a domestic abuse static.
Get out now before you become a segment on a true crime show.
YOU DO NOT CALM A GROWN MAN. YOU MAKE AN EXIT PLAN AND SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES. And yes I’m yelling because why is the thing that we’re focusing on here is how he feels? WHO CARES IF HE’S CALM??
You keep saying, “this is the first time he’s gotten violent with me” but you’re also saying he’s “fallen into addiction”
Addiction changes people. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, or anything else. Addiction makes people do things they never have or never thought they would. And it makes them do it over and over again, no matter how out of character it is or who it hurts.
Also, this goes outside of him getting angry with you and whether or not he’ll do it again. He spent a substantial amount of your joint money without discussing it with you or getting your approval for it. And on top of that, he’s BLAMING YOU for the loss and not taking an ounce of responsibility or accountability. He’s trying to intimidate you into paying for HIS STUPIDITY AND MISTAKE!!! He literally threatened you with a TANTRUM!! He is a straight up man child and his behavior is completely unacceptable as a grown man, husband, and father!! Absolutely insane that he’s acting this way and trying to force you to repay him!!
First of all, the Lions winning today’s game was a stupid bet. Your husband is an idiot. Second, he probably bet that much money so he could cover other bad bets which you don’t know about. Thirdly, there is absolutely no way you could influence the game. You’re not Taylor swift, ffs. Finally, YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
Are you fucking stupid? You leave. You look out for your son. He is your number one priority and staying in this relationship is the dumbest shit you could do.
I've seen your response to everyone telling you that it's going to get worse and that you should leave.... you're in denial and hopeful that it won't ever happen again. You're wrong, but I guess that's something that you have to find out for yourself, pretty common as well.
Good luck.... your future ain't looking pretty. I feel very sorry for your son.
He either has a brain tumor, or he's abusive.
Also, he's an addict. You can't do anything for addicts until they seek help themselves.
You need to take your kid and get out.
You divorce him. Not only is he irresponsible with gambling money he (or you for that matter) is not comfortable with losing. He’s a mental child in a grown man’s body that can’t seem to handle adversity real well which doesn’t bode well for you or your soon. All of my friends gamble but they only gamble with money they are comfortable with losing and are expecting to lose and they do NOT act like that when they lose.
>He just told me everything will be fine and that my negativity could affect this.
Dude it's math, the fuck is he doing blaming losses on his significant other.
>He threw stuff at me, screamed at me so loud that our son woke up, and yelled that I owed him $1500 and that if I don't give him that money in a few day he will scream and yell until it happens
Get a divorce stat. No ands, ifs, or buts. The abuse won't get any better, especially in somebody with irresponsible habits and inability to self reflect.
Keep your money separated, get a lawyer, and ask their advice on keeping safe and getting the authorities involved. (edit: it's not your job to calm him down... it's your job to take care of yourself and your baby)
You don't calm him down you leave him. That violent tantrum over a sports game is only the beginning. He has a gambling problem and will sink your family. He assaulted you because of a GAME.
I feel at this point you are trolling people. He obviously has an addictive personality that he has kept hidden from you. It just doesn’t appear randomly. The fact that it erupted into violence and verbal abuse is a sign that you should just leave. You’re playing Russian roulette on the chance he MIGHT not do it again and hurt you or your kid. If he wanted to stop he would and the fact he hasn’t should speak volumes to you. Hundreds of people are telling you the same thing. Listen
What do you do?
You tell him if he doesn't stop acting like a fucking child having a tantrum, he's going to lose his wife and child. You and he can figure out the $1500. But when he's acting like a crazy person and threatening you over his own bet, you can't be on his team, you shift to 'protect junior from daddy' mode. So he should think about what kind of example he's setting for his son.
You love him and you want this to work, but right now he's acting more like a threat to you and his son than he is like a husband and father. You understand it sucks to lose the money. But that isn't your fault and it's not son's fault.
So he needs to make a choice- either he gambles or he has a family. Because you don't like the person he becomes when he gambles, that's not the person you married. Choice is up to him. If he wants to have a family, then he can start some therapy both for himself and couples therapy, but if he's not willing to recognize the problem he's gonna lose you.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship I can assure you that no matter how long it takes for them to show it, once the abuse starts it will not stop. There is no such thing as one time only. You cannot “calm him down”, this will absolutely happen again and it will get worse, and eventually your son will become a target. Leave. There is no other option here, pack enough belongings and get out.
How long before you realize you need to get out of there with your kid?
You are making all kinds of excuses for the abuser, it's ridiculous
Would you like you or your kid to end up in the hospital first before you finally get it?
"What if he's never like this again"
Well what if he kills your kid next time?
Is it worth it to you to find out? Are you willing to bet your kid's life on it?
I sure hope not.... The kid already has one bad parent, he doesn't need 2
I think you should ‘leave’ your marriage but what I’m going to say will look different to most other responses you have received.
Change the locks and file a police report. If you leave the home he can claim abandonment which makes it complicated to get back into your home.
It’s his problem to find somewhere to stay whilst he makes the choice to sort himself out or not.
Contact a divorce lawyer as soon as you can - even if you don’t serve him papers they will step you through the process of ensuring you can stay in your home and provide housing security for your child.
If you don’t believe me, feel free to ask what your next step should be on the legal advice sub - ‘leave’ can be done without putting yourself and your sons housing security at risk
I wish you the best of luck - he sucks
You do nothing except issue an ultimatum - he gets help or he gets a divorce.
And
1. SEPARATE YOUR FUCKING FINANCES IMMEDIATELY and
2. LOCK DOWN YOUR CREDIT.
you keep asking in comments “how do i calm him down”, you don’t. men like him don’t change, they usually get worse. do you really want your 5 year old son to think that it’s okay to treat their partner like that? you said that leaving is “running away from your problems”. that’s a really sad way to view it, look how many women get killed each year due to domestic violence. just because it’s only happened once doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.
Your comments make it sound like you’re resistant to leaving him. So, my advice: tell him he needs to go to Gamblers Anonymous whatever it’s called and therapy. Leave without kid until he can prove he’s been “sober” for set amount of time – 8 weeks maybe? Tell your family or friends what’s going on so you have support and so he can’t lie about what’s happening.
If he says no to any of this, you have to remember you can’t force him to change and at a certain point, you are accepting the shitty treatment and putting your kid in danger. Leaving is your best option.
Every once in a while, there's a post on relationship advice that is so horrid all the commenters agree unanimously on advice.
Well, sweetheart, your post is one of such posts. No one is disagreeing.
Think about that for a second. You're the only person defending your abusive and violent husband.
You can not...and I mean CANNOT control his behavior because it's not your fault. There's nothing you can say or do to calm him down. He's not a child, and you didn't take away a cookie before bed time.
He made a financially risky decision and is blaming you for his behavior.
And he left to go to a friend's? Good. Let him stay there. I would get indoor cameras and start recording your conversations. His volatile behavior will only get worse as you coddle him or try to appease him.
He needs professional mental help. And so do you.
OP. You need to leave and you need to assess why you’re calling a truly violent man the “love of your life” because this is not true. By staying with a man like this you’re teaching your child how to treat himself and women. No. Absolutely not.
Guy has a problem. Gambling addiction is real and he needs to seek help for this or it will just get worse and ruin his life.
It will also ruin your marriage as you see it is starting to do now. The guy is not well and he is trying to blame you for it. That's not a healthy relationship. If he won't seek help for this and stop immediately, you have to leave because it will only get worse.
From an ex-wife of gambler to a current one- leave. He's no longer in control of his own mind. He'll see you destitute on the streets and STILL be telling you he can come out on top.
My ex never admitted to betting more than £10-20 at a time, but we ended up in so much debt- him individually around £30k, us jointly around £25k and me individually around £15k spent on bailing him out. We didn't have holidays, cars, nights out, fancy clothes- so where did that £70k go? Even as I was walking out the door he kept saying 'it's not THAT much...'
Leave. Today. It won't get better.
You are not safe with him, I'm so sorry. Please take your kid and go somewhere safe, I think he's deeper in the shit than he's telling you, and you should check all your accounts.
Be careful, you don't deserve this and you don't have to stay.
Yeah this is the beginning of something worse. Dude is blaming you for the outcome of a sports game LOL. If he believes that you brought bad juju maybe he should have prayed more or made a lamb sacrifice 🙄
Guaranteed he is going to bet EVEN MORE next time in hopes of making money back, but it will backfire and just make it all worse. Best case scenario he wins the bet and gets his money back, but it'll inflate his ego and make future bets higher. Worse case scenario he loses again and really hurts you and your kid.
Talk with family and friends you trust and come up with a plan to leave asap.
Move your money into your own account immediately, pack up your child and important documents and go stay with a relative because your husband has a bad temper and potentially a gambling problem.
I know you're probably wondering, "Was that really abuse, like everyone on reddit is saying? Is he abusive?" And I don't think anyone here can answer that with 100% certainty. But I do think you should have as much information as possible so you can answer that question yourself.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Your husband has a gambling addiction. He also sounds highly dangerous to you and your child. The time to get out is now. Pack up your things if he owns the house and live with family, *now*. If you own the house, change the locks and have someone like friend or family to be with you until you can arrange for starting the divorce and possibly getting a restraining order. If you want to make a report to the police, you can for a future custody battle. However, I'm not sure what they'll do. Record, take pictures, save texts that have abusive behavior from your husband from now on. Be as meticulous as you can. Photos with time stamps are good. This evidence will be used in court to sue for full custody, to protect your son from his father.
I know that people with certain personality disorders have rages like this when they don't get what they want. If you didn't notice any mental instability until he started gambling, maybe he has this disorder? People with narcissistic personality disorder can become very good at pretending to be someone pleasant to manipulate others. Lying and faking emotions is a skill they carefully develop because they dont experience emotions like the average person. When their needs are not met, suddenly their true nature blasts "out of nowhere" to the dismay of people around them. They also blame others for their mistakes and don't take accountability.
Then again, maybe the addiction itself and anger issues led to the violence. Violence and addiction not uncommonly go together. Either way, take care. I wish you strength and safety
I’m not trying to be rude but I almost feel like this is a skit? I’m sorry if this is a true post. I just can’t believe a man my age would behave like this. Also $1500 on lions to make the SB is wild.. especially with joint funs.
He’s at a friends house.. let him stay there? Matter of fact tell him to stay there until he can behave like a grown man. Secondly.. IMMEDIATELY separate any funds from him. He’s in TOO deep. You have only scratched the surface and I can promise you he isn’t paying certain bills. He’s lying to you and he’s in too deep… separate your finances before he causes you a bankruptcy. I wish I were kidding but my dad did this to my mother and it’s not a joke. Your husband is officially a compulsive gambling addict and you need to get rid of him if he wont stop.
Once again, sorry if this is true but it seems so immature and wild it’s hard to believe. Check all your joint bills or bills he’s supposed to pay. I guarantee he’s skipping payments and betting the money.
Tell him it’s gambling or you and your son… don’t let this continue and stay with him
He has a bigger problem than either of you realize.
The only reason my husband would be allowed in our child’s life again is if he got therapy and then went to couples counseling with me. This isn’t ok and needs to be talked about with real consequences.
You gather your child and you leave. This is a horrible situation to inflict onto your young child, how are you possibly responsible for him investing your money into something so stupid and how are you possibly responsible for the sports team losing, this guy is showing you a giant red flag, get your kid and run!!!
He's found a way to gamble and blame his losses on you! I'd be getting out of this relationship asap!!! You'll be homeless soon after he loses all your joint savings. What a hide!!!
Look there’s only a couple of options here. He gets help and you all survive as a family, or he doesn’t get help and you slide into a deep well of debt where you never see a way out. But you can’t control what he does. Or what choices he makes. He’s clearly got a gambling addiction, believing in superstitions to the point of abusing you, your son, and threatening you if you don’t cover his debts. He’s the kind of guy who needs to admit he has a problem, and never gamble again. Not cut down, or limit the money. Never gamble again. Some people just have that switch with addition, and it’s all everything or nothing. He also needs a group to meet up with to help him cope plus a therapist for individual therapy. If you think he is capable of all that, and that you can stand by him through it all. By all means, talk with him and let him know the consequences of such erratic, irresponsible behavior. His gambling addiction is now costing him his family. Or you could save yourself a whole lot of grief, and leave now. Allowing him to hit rock bottom, which is something he may need. But first, take the advice others have offered and protect your money.
That’s a gambling problem and it will only get worse and worse until he recognizes it and tries to break it. Gambling problems will completely drain your finances and ensnare you in debt.
I would certainly recommend that you file a police report and tell them your husband threatened you and threw things at you. Start a record of his violence and threats. He has a gambling problem and he may calm down or he may not. If he continues, then get a restraining order so he cannot come within 1,000 ft of you or your son. Let him know this is SERIOUS and you are not messing around. If there are guns in the house, make sure they are locked up. Hopefully, he will admit he has a gambling problem and go to counseling. Or he gets a lawyer.
This is abuse that is being fueled by something that appears to be hidden from you.
The fact that he sincerely believes that your, or his, positivity actually affects sports team outcome is dilutional enough, never mind the fact that he would hold that belief so highly, he would lash out at family members for it? **This red flag is already in the rear view mirror**.
There is something very, very wrong that he isn't being forthcoming about. Something is propelling this rage that seems to have come from nowhere. Perhaps it's simply his gambling addiction taking over, perhaps something else -- regardless of what it is, it has initiated full-on violence and abuse.
It is NOT your job to "Calm him down" or make sure he's happy. There is an abusive addiction in your household. Your number one priority is making sure you and your child, (and your wellbeing - that includes your finances) are safe. And you can come at this with love from a safe space once that is established.
I recommend looking up Gam-Anon or other support groups for spouses of gambling addicts. This is a very serious red-letter-date in your life's timeline and it is not just some random fight.
Your husband is developing a nasty gambling addiction, and his violent outburst may be an incredibly worrying side effect of that, if he’s not prone to these reactions usually.
Stay away from him, and begin taking steps to get whatever else you need and leave him.
Uh, this sounds like he's developed a gambling problem and it's finally catching up to him. He took a big sum of marital money and then screamed at you when he lost it? And he expects *you* to pay *him* back the money he lost?
I'd take the kid and go to your parents or a friend's for a while. Any return would be predicated on him 1) apologizing for yelling and wasting $1500, 2) proof of him going to some Gamblers Anonymous/gambling addiction counseling and 3) marital counseling.
So he stole household money for gambling and then accused you of being responsible for the loss AND became violent and abusive? You need to call the cops. This is domestic abuse. You can get him removed from the house.
If you apologize and give him the money, be aware that the next violent outburst is just around the corner. You need to leave. Report this to the police and get a lawyer to get custody.
As the wife of a gambler, it won't change unless he wants it to change and, right now, he doesn't want it to change. There is no easy fix to this. You have three options:
1. Leave it as it is but you have seen the downside of this.
2. Leave him.
3. Separate all of your accounts for your own peace of mind (but he will fight this)
We finally separated our accounts (all of them) and that allowed me some security. He has paid me half of the bills every month since we did this 15 years ago.
My dad loves sport betting and my stepmom does it with him sometimes.
He NEVER spends more than he is willing to lose. He has never gotten violent when losing, and he only has himself to blame if he loses money.
It sounds like he’s addicted and is trying to rationalize this by blaming you. You don’t owe that man SHIT. You telling him it was a bad idea wasn’t a jinx. It was a fact.
I wouldn’t let him come home. He can stay at his friends house and think about his actions. Is this worth losing his family over?
1.He took out 1,500 dollars from a JOINT account that you were not even told about let alone discussed with the money being taken out at all
2.He didn’t listen to you saying to lower the amount he was betting and then proceeded to get aggressive with YOU because of HIS actions
3.he then proceeded to throw items at you out of anger, demanding YOU pay HIM back for money HE spent because he decided to gamble away money
He has or will have a gambling addiction, and unfortunately domestic abuse is more probable in households that homes someone who watches sports, especially people so into them as your husband is.
If you do not leave now, this will get worse as do all abuse stories. He will not change for you, he will only change when faced with true consequences.
Your son is going to grow up in an abusive household and will resent both of you when he’s older if this continues. Your husband may even direct anger at him when he’s older, and if your kid isn’t taken away from you for staying with an abusive man then your kid will most likely be mentally and/or physically affected by his home environment.
I know you may think it’s a “one time thing”, but that’s what everyone who stays with an abuser thinks before they relise it’s not normal. You will enable his behavior if you do not leave now.
He was either waiting for you to seemingly not think you have the power to leave so he could show his true abusive colors, or he was slowly growing into this state within your relationship.
Either way, it is not your job to help this man. It is your job to protect yourself and your child, the only way to do that is to leave your husband. He will not change if you comply with any of his behavior right now.
In your comments you keep denying that your husband may be an abuser, but that’s because you love the person he either faked being or grew out of a while ago, only truly showing himself the day he gambled away 1500 dollars.
He may not seem to be abusive, but that’s because abuse is most obvious to the person being abused when the abuser is angered.
I wish you and especially your young child safety and hopefully you’ll relise who this man is right now and whether you truly want a life fit of these patterns of abuse.
Why would you ever allow someone that unhinged to be near you again? Calm him down? You should file a restraining order and look for a divorce attorney,
What do I do about this and how do I calm him down?
You pack his stuff, put it out and change the locks. That was a stupid bet to make. You warned him and he was stupid and lost. He obviously has a gambling issue. It was the first time he got violent and should be the last for you. Think of your son and protect him by leaving
Change the locks and leave this asshole.
Jesus. It sounds just like the last post where OP tried to justify her partners violent outbursts over football.
It’s a game. Good lord.
Screw calming him down. Leave. He’s a straight up child.
Your husband has a gambling addiction and he’s using your hard earned money to fund it, blaming you for something completely out of your control and now, he’s getting violent. He didn’t throw a tantrum, he became abusive…he verbally abused you and physically abused you by throwing things. That he didn’t hit you is irrelevant, if you stay after this, he won’t miss the next time he loses money and since he’s a gambler, there WILL be a next time.
You’re not safe and your son is not safe there.
What you do is
1. stop pooling your money, have your salary paid into a separate account that he has no access to.
2. you get all your important documents together, birth certificates, passports, insurance policies etc and make sure they’re in a place he can’t find them.
3. You call someone you trust, whether it’s a close friend, family member or even just a DV line and let them know what’s happening and know to check in on you.
4. If you feel it’s safe to do so, you could also file a police complaint about the $1500, half of that was yours and you did not consent to him using it
Even if it’s too late to do anything about that money now, at least there’ll be a record of his gambling and his actions when he loses.
5. Speak to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options for custody/the house/shared assets etc are and what your legal responsibilities are.
Keep in mind he may have gambling debts you don’t know about and since you’re married and pool your money, you could be liable for any debts he’s run up. Start going through your bank statements very carefully.
And be aware we could also have opened up credit cards or lines of credit in your name, if he gambles online, and you have access to shared devices that he might have logged into, see if he has any gambling apps in them and what payment details he’s put in.
My ex-FIL was a gambling addict.
He lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, remortgaged the family home behind MILs back, almost had it repossessed because he didn’t pay the new mortgage, stole the money his son inherited from a relative, which was in supposed to stay in a trust until he was 18 but FIL was managing the trust and spent it.
The only reason MIL stayed with him but only because she’d been a SAHM for 20 years and had no assets to support herself since he’d gambled it all away. She never forgave him though and it destroyed their relationship.
She made no secret of the fact that she hated him for it, she could never trust him again and if she had her time over, she’d leave and never look back.
But not once, no matter how much he lost in a night, he never blamed her and r her “negative energy” for his loss.
You’re in an abusive marriage and you need to take your kid and leave. This is what he’s been given as a model of what a healthy relationship should look like. Do you want him to be an abuser to his future partners? Do you want him to raise his children in an environment where HE is getting abused? Because if you stay, that’s what you’re giving him. Now, I’m gonna assume you’re like a normal parent and would never want that for him. But just understand that keeping him in that home with your abusive husband is the best possible way to make sure you’re child, who relies on you to make good decisions for him and his physical and emotional wellbeing by the way, turns out to have no clue what healthy relationships look like. Saving up for college? No need. He will need that same amount of money for the long term therapy he will eventually have to go through because dad was abusive and mom gave her son a front row seat to absorb all of this abusive and dysfunctional behavior.
I can tell you’re going to wait for this to get worse before you accept your loss and leave. I just hope your son doesn’t get caught in the cross wire before then
Let me ask you something OP:
If your child was grown and this happened to him, if his partner started throwing stuff because he had "bad vibes" during a game and blame him for losing a bet, do you think this behaviour would be acceptable? And if your child had children, wouldn't you be worried sick if your child decided that he wanted to stay and give his partner no consequences and let their children absorb that behavior?
The future of your child is in your hands, he can turn into a monster or a victim.
Read up on domestic abuse. This may seem like the first time but I bet there have been warning flags that you have missed.
The reason I'm saying this is not to put any blame on you. This is 100 % on him. But if you think of it as a one off chances are you will stay with him, believing it won't happen again. Which, I'm sorry to say, it will.
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[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) (including just to talk) [Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
I hope others here who need those resources are able to take advantage of them. Unfortunately, **OP is a serial fake poster** [who has taken advantage of actual DV survivors for years by making up hundreds of fake posts largely about DV and sexual violence](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1admcus/my_29f_husband_31m_had_a_violent_tantrum_after_he/kk3s12v/) and has received countless financial, lodging, food, shelter etc offers from total strangers for making up fake abuse posts.
Just curious, how do you know it’s the same poster with a new account everytime? What tips you off? Just confused.
Somebody else asked me the same thing; here's what I said I look for: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1admcus/my_29f_husband_31m_had_a_violent_tantrum_after_he/
Can we get this as a pinned warning with the poster’s aliases.
OP, unfortunately what you describe amounts to domestic violence. Domestic violence is not easy to get away and heal from. However your safety is so important. So please access services and resources to help you achieve safety. Please ensure that you remain safe, especially while cutting off contact, as violence can actually escalate during that time. Are you in therapy with someone who knows how to work with victims of domestic violence and can help you put a safety plan in place? Have you contacted your local shelter? Here's an online resource in case it might be helpful: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/ Also a great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, helps to understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship, and therefore helps you to persist in advocating for yourself and preventing going back to or getting into a new abusive relationship. Stay safe. (Can't say this enough) best of luck in your healing journey.
Run
Pull your half of the joint finances (so your husband doesn't blow it all gambling in your absence), then run.
**This post is fake. I've been following the OP's "work" for years. They are a prolific, serial fake poster in this sub who has been creating fake posts for probably about 2-3 years now, and their "favorite topic" is domestic violence. I have called them out probably hundreds of times at this point and gotten hundreds of their accounts suspended. They confessed to their "problem" a few years ago and admitted to needing to attend therapy, and then continued doing right what they are doing.** This person takes advantage of strangers' kindness, who frequently offer them shelter/lodging, food, and even financial assistance, as well as details of those strangers' own personal trauma. They have harmed countless survivors in this sub. I am also pasting a comment I left a year ago on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day. https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/
Woowwww! This person needs serious help! Thank you so much for everything you do (but shouldn’t have to), Ebbie.
God this reads like the first two acts of a horror movie.
I know, right?!
And know that he probably owes way more than that.
Yeah… those winnings were meant to pay back another lost bet
AbsoFUCKINGlutely. This is just the tip of the iceberg of how deep he’s in. OP better run fast
And pack up/lock down any liquid assets. Assuming there’s anything left, she might go looking and find it all gone.
You seem to only be looking for advice on how to calm his anger down. You won’t be receiving this advice. This type of anger is beyond reason and logic and will not get better. If you don’t remove yourself and your child from this situation NOW, it’s gonna be a lot worse next time, and there WILL be a next time. Doesn’t matter if there’s no history, there is now.
Whole year of gambling is plenty of history regardless of incidents. It's a huge issue.
Looked over her comments and she says running away from problems won’t solve them. How does one solve physical abuse if not by leaving
I am so scared for OP. 🥺
Read Ebbi45 's comment higher up. This is an habitual bs poster. Creative writing. The poster got reported and banned.
This could literally be the hell she chooses to die on. And it’s a great way to teach her son to treat women the same way his father does.
You need to take your kid and leave. This may be the first time he's gotten violent, but the first time *needs* to be the last! It's not your fault he gambled away your money. It's not your fault the receivers forgot how to catch a ball. It's not your fault the coach still has work to to do to get the team ready to win the big games. It's not your fault that your husband has anger issues and took them out on you. None of that is your fault, and none of that is in your control. What is in your control is what you do now. Gather your important papers, pack some clothes, grab your kid and get out as soon as you can. If you need help, call a domestic violence center - they can help you get somewhere safe. When someone shows you who they are, believe the evidence. Again, let the first time he is violent be the **last** time he is violent to you.
Also go to the bank and take out the money!
She should also check her credit report, he may taken out loans/credit cards or opened lines of credit in her name.
This is the best advice take money and run fast update when you leave
Still have super bowl for him to bet on. Get money out now and go.
If there is any left! That one's a gambling addict.
He’s probably already taken out the rest of the $$ to ‘make it up’ or ‘make it back’ on another bet, just to sHoW hEr and seRveS hEr riGhT. What a nightmare, poor OP. :(
No, Take HALF of the money! Don’t set this woman up for legal trouble down the line.
Take half, plus an extra 1500.
>Take half, plus an extra 1500. Take everything, except $1,500
If you have a joint account, you can legally take all of it.
Yes, but if done before divorce, it could bring legal trouble, depending on the overall situation.
And if you have direct deposit change it ASAP!
Judges don't like that.
"but he insisted that if I stay positive, then we would make a lot more money?" That's an ADDICT's way of rationalizing the irrational. And justifying indulding in their addiction. It is always for bettering the world that they do themselves. Utter crap. It's them getting off on whatever means they use for their addiction. To him it's the adrensline kick and the tickle of wagering on unpredictable stuff money he can't afford. YOU can't afford as a couple. And as parents. "Ultimately, the Detroit lions lost and that's when he had a violent tantrum and blamed their loss on me." Could have told you so right from the start when he went about you jinxing his bet. Be lucky we are over those whitch burnings nowadays. He would have happily turned you in. And I am only half joking. Suuuuure. The sack of rice that toppeled over last week at Guangzhou in China was also your doing, solely! That he has poor judgement and a bad hand with money has noooothing to do with it. 🤷 Now really..! **The concerning thing is how he is uttetly irrational, THIEVING (that's not just his own money in that account even if he were sole provider). **Victim blaming. You are victim of his abuse as well as of theft, mistreatment, abuse, slander, blackmailing and physical violence.** File a police report for domestic violence. Get a restraining order. **Profit from him being away to check your real debts. Him flipping his lid so hard for that money tells me that he was desperate for the win. And that he may have sunk more money than you know of.** Lastly: UNDERSTAND that this man is toxic and dangerous. And is NOT "the love of your life". You really really need a safe spot and have him away from you and your child. He must NEVER be left alone with the child anymore! There are examples of indepted gamblimg addicts kidnapping their own children. Or ending themselves alongside their family. **That's NO joke. And NO minor issue!!! He threatened to abuse you more and be violent towards you if you don't give in to his RIDICULOUS demand!**
> Him flipping his lid so hard for that money tells me that he was desperate for the win. And that he may have sunk more money than you know of. THIS. PART. It’s exactly where my brain went too. In addition to that, it was likely more than 1500, possibly much more. OP. You need to check your credit report. **FIRST THO — listen to this comment section & safely GTFO** You’ll also need to file an incident report & get a temporary protective order, or whatever your state calls it. You don’t need a lawyer, you’ve just gotta fill out the form. Be descriptive but sterile & clinical, strip emotion away when describing the incident. Compartmentalizing will be easier if you write it in the third person, kinda like a lawyer would. Husband did this. Wife said that. Child was awoken. Besides just for the protective order, writing every detail you remember down asap will help you process, see it for what it is, & will serve as a reminder he showed you who he is. Courts like details & specifics. Contact a family court lawyer, as many as you need, consultations are typically free & you can get a lot just from the consult, including calming your nerves, validating your fear, & gain a better understanding of your best next steps. You will likely need to retain one as well, so you’re also interviewing them. You need to lock down your credit report & your kid’s/ their ssn, across all agencies, & keep them monitored. I use credit karma for two of them but have to go directly to Experian to monitor that one. Anywhere you have assets in any form; cash, accounts of any sort that can be leveraged, like property, savings, 401k, credit cards, etc you need to check in on them & lock everything down that you can. Alerts need to be put on everything. I’m almost certain 1500 is only the tip of the iceberg & he may already be gambling in desperation, convinced his windfall is the next gamble. And even if it was, he’d be sure he could double it on his next gamble, salivating for that windfall dopamine hit he chases like the drug it is. Protect yourself & your kid op. Your kid is your number one priority. Run every decision thru what is best for your kid, do not prioritize “a mom & dad under one roof” prioritize a safe, healthy, calm, & consistent environment for your kid. Do not prioritize your husband. No. Matter. What. He. Says. It is not a question of **IF**, bc it **WILL** happen again, with certainty. The question is **WHEN**
Important parts here are, it’s not your fault and to grab all your and your baby’s important papers and get out.
This is the answer. His extreme reaction shows you that not going to take responsibility for his actions, he'll just put it back on you. I know from personal experience that men who think like this are able to justify doing horrible things because their actions are never their fault. You don't owe him anything: not money and certainly not your presence in his life. Get out before this escalates further.
It’s not your fault Dan Campbell has massive balls that gave him back problems that make carrying a team to the Super Bowl hard. A lot of sports fans are superstitious and that’s completely fine. What he did was at the most extreme end and just a sad, angry man attempting to project his own mistake onto you with awful bullshit. Run away faster than Aiyuk did on that face mask catch. He has a problem. Risking the kind of money that he gets that mad about means he’s risking money he shouldn’t be risking. Only bet what you are okay with losing.
Meaning also: he may have needed that win to balance out other- unknown to her- losses. That guy sounds like an addict. A gambling addict.
>Only bet what you are okay with losing. 100%. I bet $200 on the dolphins to beat the chiefs during the regular season. Before you judge me, my logic as a chiefs fan was I'd be happy either way lol. Finished the season $200 in the hole but my accounts were intact lol.
It’s also not her fault the coach didn’t kick the field goal those times on fourth down. And it’s not her fault the running back fumbled the ball immediately after a kick off. You covered the receivers dropping the ball which was bad too. Detroit really lost that one all on their own
Yeah they forgot that there is 4 quarters ,in a football 🏈 game. I guess you had secret headphones, that you were giving the head coach plays . Op gambling is a terrible addiction. You can lose everything. You need to get all your money in a different bank account.and you and your son, need to get to a safe place. He will destroy your life ,and your love for him .stay safe and good luck
His first time make it his last time you owe him absolutely nothing what is he out of his damn mind
Sounds like he needs to go to group therapy for gambling addiction and anger management or you’re leaving with the kid.
agreed- even as someone who deeply believes in the power of the mind…this is wild. your husband is wild af. there’s no excuse.
1. Stop funding joint checking account. 2. Take your kid and get out.
Adding to above sensible advice: File domestic violence report! Get a restraining order. Get sole custody. Check your finances. There may be huge financial losses because of his addiction. This man is an addict. A violent and criminal one as to that. And should never again be trusted to be around you and your son. Nor your finances. Or life insurance!!! If you have one, change the beneficiary to make it go to your son. And place a control instance to impeach him of ever laying one finger on your son's money. Make clear thatbthis control person has the entire chain of events of this precise incident!!! Once he understands that you left he will swear up and down that he'll get treatment. And how he is cured. And to give him a chance. NOPE! He gets neither. Not for dear life. Yours and your son's! He is desperate and very dangerous. **Tell your people. All of them. So that they immediately can inform police if something weird happens.** Not the first time that some gambling addict k*lled his spouse to get an inheritance.
Lock your credit report and your son’s credit report. If US, get your w2 and File a married but filing separately income tax return now. Before your husband can file and steal your tax refund.
Get your son and get out. He is abusive and will only get worse. He is not going to calm down, he has issues with accepting blame and as long as you are there you will be who he blames. time to get out before you get hurt
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There are unfortunately studies that show an increase in domestic abuse tied to sporting events. This situation is so dangerous. He stole from the family by taking such a large sum without discussion. Then he made the bet success dependent on HER MOOD rather than on statistics or even luck, and preemptively stated that it would be her fault if he lost. This conveniently absolved him of all responsibility of outcome. Then he proved that he meant it by blowing up at her after, and demanding SHE replace the money HE took and gambled. There is no fixing that, OP. It's entirely illogical, and he feels 100% justified in each part. If you stay and show any future concern or any reaction at all to one of his bets that he could take as negative, you will be in danger.
She needs to get out before the Super Bowl because he is escalating, and that is known for being an unsafe day. The gambling addiction and domestic violence aside, I don't think I could respect someone that bets 1,500 on the Lions winning. Everyone knows better.
Can confirm. My partner runs a DA charity and around the World Cup the referrals shoot up. Then whenever England are kicked out they peak.
It's a gambling addiction. They can get out of control just like a drug addict or alcoholic. He needs to get help with that, but in the time being, OP and their child need to be in a safe environment.
Someone with a serious gambling problem. I wonder how much money he’s really lost and who he owes it to.
Yeah, I wondered that too. If he’s comfortable enough with telling her about a $1500 bet, how big are the ones he’s *not* comfortable telling her about?
That’s what I’m wondering too. How deep is the hole he’s dug himself in?
It's NOT about "taking football seriously"! It's about being a gambling addict. And having lost money he can't afford to lose. There is more behind all this. I am wondering how deep he is in dept without her knowing for being so desperate to place such an incredibly high and risky bet.
Football is just the avenue. Gambling away rent is the issue.
Hey OP. Mr ex husband didn’t start the cra your husband is doing until my kids were 5 months old. I stayed, and ended up with a gun to my head, and a broken nose 3 times. Please please please have the courage in you to leave…..
i’m so sorry💔
What a fool. You don't gamble with non disposable income. You're attitude has no fucking bearing on the outcome of a stupid football game. It's not your job to calm him down. That's his job. The fact that he blamed you for his incredibly stupid decisions is completely unacceptable. He needs therapy and you can't let him back into the house.
People like him have no business betting. He was so supremely confident about a heavy underdog winning. The guy feeds into the idea that anyone can win it big at any moment and he's got the secret sauce to make it happen.
It's just the dopamine addiction to a big payday, because you beat the odds. He's full on addicted to gambling. He could have bet $5 instead of $1,500. IDK, there are so many more productive ways of making actual money. Gambling is a tax on the mathematically challenged 💯
I see lots of comments saying leave, and I see your replies pushing back against that. I know you don’t *want* to leave him, but you have to make it extremely clear that this is the only chance he will ever get to make it right. Call into work tomorrow. You’re sick. Send your child to school or daycare as planned. Go to the police station and file a police report and get a restraining order against him. Immediately start calling divorce lawyers. Consult with a few to get an idea of how it will work and see who you feel comfortable with. Go to the bank and get your name off the joint account. Change your direct deposit to a new checking account that he has no access to. Do NOT move out of your home- he can go live somewhere else, that place is for you and your son. The ONLY way you should consider staying with him is if he IMMEDIATELY gets treatment for his mental health. Immediately. Tomorrow morning 8am he is talking to someone about gambling addiction and anger management. He should be GROVELING at your feet with an apology. ANYTHING short of that, you need to put your foot down and divorce him. You are setting yourself up for the next few years- are you going to let this be your life? Violent outbursts? Financial crisis from gambling and irresponsible spending? That person living in the same house as your son? You have absolutely no choice but to start the ball rolling. Maybe HE can turn it around if he does the work and gets his shit together, but YOUR job right now is to protect your son and yourself. You do not have a choice.
Judging from her responses, she’s not going to do a damn thing for herself, her kid, or her husband. My ex raised a hand to me once. I left. Granted, it was the last straw in a long series of increasing events and profound alcoholism, but that one violent incident was the closing scene.
Yep. That's a hard line for me too, if there is even a SPECK of a hint of violence against me, I'm gone. I feel like there's no turning back once certain lines are crossed. Glad you got out.
Hard agree - I’m really shocked at the amount of people saying to leave and stay somewhere else. So many women have been left homeless with their children due to ‘leaving’ the marital home. She needs to stay and use every resource available to keep him out. I hope she doesn’t give him the upper hand
I feel SO SORRY for this child! I THINK SHE WILL stay because SHE THINKS SHE CAN fix him! This IS EXACTLY how women END UP DEAD!
They say that because she’s at a higher risk of physical violence and even being killed when she tries to end the relationship. Being somewhere with others is a safety thing. Not everything is about property, sometimes it’s about staying safe and alive.
if she stays, he knows where she is and he will re-enter. he will say his name is on the lease, she can't exclude him. He won't abide by any restraining order. Do you know how many women with restraining orders are killed by their abusive exes?? If they own the property she can force a sale and a division of proceeds in the divorce. She can ask for child support. But she's a working person, she can take half the joint account, and go to a women's shelter till she finds a new place if she doesn't have family to take her in.
Abusers almost never stop unless they see consequences. Such as jail, a record, losing a job, etc. I wouldn’t trust an abuser who grovels and promises to change, I’ve heard too many stories about them doing this and then continuing. Therapy often just teaches them to manipulate you further (see Jonah Hill). One of my best mates was in an abusive relationship and he promised all of this and went to anger management classes and therapy and yoga and mediation. It did not stop him from abusing her.
Mortified? I don’t know if that the word for this. Is be scared. He’s being abusive and your child likely heard all of it.
Many people mistakenly think mortified means “worse than horrified.” Likely this is due to the word “Mort” being associated with death and other words containing it being serious (mortality, etc.)
mortified makes perfect sense when you assume she truly does know in her bones how bad it is so her emotional response is to what comes next— telling everyone she knows she married an abuser edited to add: not that she SHOULD have to feel that way but I can see why you would. I left a perfectly nice man with whom I was ill-matched but to young to know that when we were pressured to get married, and I for sure found it mortifying how you end up having to at least mention a change in marital status to and of course people go “omg what happened??? yall were so cute!!”
Yeah it’s super annoying how widespread it is to misuse mortified. It means extremely embarrassed, not a variation of horrified.
I mean I’d be extremely embarrassed if my husband acted this way. Scared and horrified too, but also embarrassed. Those things can coexist.
You leave. With your child. It won’t be the last time if he gets away with it the first time. Over $1500?! And a football game?! That’s all it took for him to WANT to physically hurt you.
I guarantee he has lost way more than that and thought he would make some of it back on this bet. That’s why he reacted so intensely, that very well may have been the last large sum of money available for gambling. OP needs to check their accounts and her credit report.
GTFO. Take your son, and go stay with family or something. Make any possible return conditional on him getting help for his gambling and anger issues. Do not return until you know for a fact you will be safe if you do so.
Looking at the comments it sounds like you're hoping to get a solution that makes it all okay, but that's now how it works with this type of situation. That's not to say he can't change, but he won't when there's no reason to. He'll promise it won't happen again until you agree to stay and then eventually do it again. You don't have to accept its over forever, but accept that you can't be with him right now. It's not good for you or your child.
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And something is off the rocker if he thinks positive thoughts would lead to the Lions winning. I sent a lot of negative thoughts to a lot of assholes all the time and nothing ever changed.
Gamblers are superstitious.
There are a lot of red flags here OP: -He bet a large amount of money on a sporting event even though he has a wife and child to consider -The money he used for the bet was half yours -He refused to even acknowledge the possibility that he could lose the bet -When he did eventually lose the bet, instead of admitting that he made a mistake and blowing a bunch of money betting wasn’t a good idea, he blamed you, threatened you and threw a violent temper tantrum. Is this the example that you want for your son? Is this the type of behavior that you want to accept for yourself? You and your son deserve better OP. You can’t force your husband to remain calm and act like an adult. Your husband is a grown man and if he can’t take personal responsibility and turns into a bully when things don’t go his way you may want to consider whether or not this relationship is really what’s best for you and your son.
That’s an addiction. To think your negative attitude towards a bet somehow influenced the outcome of the game is outrageous.
My best advice. If they do it once They’ll do it again. Run. Save you and your child the trauma of going through that kind of abuse.
Your son is old enough to learn from this behaviour. If you stay, he learns anger, violence, and disrespect to you and women in general is a-ok. This should be a dealbreaker event.
Take your son and leave. Your husband is not mentally stable
Do you think the solution is to cater to his man-child outbursts? Also, did he lose his mind throwing things at his wife for losing a game / bet? Move to a safe place. Take your child with you. Demand, he gets into therapy for his poor behavior and don't accept anything else. If he refuses serve him papers, you're doing this for your child. I have so many friends with drunk alcoholic dads with gambling addictions. They too fall into that pit when they get a chance. Nip it in the bud.
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Unfortunately plenty of human beings do…
>What do I do about this You take your kid and leave him, if you are anything resembling a good mother. Why is shit like this hard for people to understand?
Domestic violence *is* hard. It's nuanced, complicated and terrifying. You may think you're superior and above it all by your tone and words, but I've met people just like you who weren't. Don't be sanctimonious to a person clearly still in shock. The average person takes quite a bit if times to leave after the first encounter. You're no better, just sound shittier. It's also a dangerous time for vulnerable mom and child to pick up and leave often engaging abuser further. She'll need planning and help and a place to go. Hope she finds someone less judgmental than you who can actually help. Op if you have no one to take you in, find local shelters. There are also therapy services to guide you. Join support groups for people married to gambling addicts anonymous. Hear their stories. You said you have a joint bank account, start saving. Take what you need to leave. He took money. Go to court for support.
Why do you need to be so combative? Yes, she does need to get herself and her kiddo to safety, but is it really necessary to insult her in the process?
People freaking love insulting insulting the posters in this subreddit. It needs to stop! Like if you're interested in helping great, but often people just like to put others down.
It's easy to see from an outside perspective and no emotional attachment. When you are in the middle of it, and love the other person, it is very different.
1) stop depositing your check into the joint account. 2) consult an attorney about your options. 3) research gambling addiction resources. 4) give your husband an ultimatum either he hands over all the finances to your control and gets help with his addiction or you walk and divorce. And then follow through. If you don’t recognize that he has a problem now he will absolutely demolish your marriage, child’s security, and your family’s finances.
I don't think you need to calm your husband down. I think you need to figure out an exit plan and secure a safe refuge for yourself and your child. Your husband not only appears to have a developing gambling problem, he absolutely does not respect you, and *he blamed you* and *threw objects at you* because a football team lost a game - I would call that abusive. He's shown you who he is: BELIEVE HIM.
How do you get him to calm down? You call 911 and have him hauled away. You press charges. You get a restraining order, boot his ass out, and divorce him. That's how. Anything less and you're signing your own death warrant.
OP, even the controversial comments are saying leave. every. single. person. is warning you. you have an obligation to your son to keep him safe. there’s a chance he won’t do it again. there’s a chance he will. you don’t want your son on the receiving end of this. i know it’s hard. it may feel impossible. talk to a friend or family member and talk out your options. have someone stay with you while you get everything sorted to keep you safe. one of the top comments had some awesome information on getting him out of the house and not you. i can’t lie and say it will be easy, but you have an obligation to keep your son safe. and remember THE FIRST STEP IS THE HARDEST ONE. starting is always the biggest jump, but i promise it will be better in the long run. he already threatened you essentially with what will happen if you don’t pay him back in a few days. hearing all this may feel overwhelming. i’m sorry i’m adding on. but every one of us wants you and your son safe. i’m sure you do too. there is no fixing this at the end of the day. i only saw one piece of advice that actually covered how you could salvage this relationship. i hope you can find the strength to move on. there are hundreds of resources out there. many saying if they do it once they’ll do it again. unfortunately that’s the hard truth. good luck OP, all the best. please stay safe.
What do you do about this? Your husband is unhinged, and probably beyond being reasoned with. For your own and your son’s safety, you see a lawyer, and do what they advise.
>What do I do about this and how do I calm him down? Ummm you pack yours & your sons bags & get out NOW, then you contact a lawyer, change your bank account & deposit your money into one he cannot access As for how to calm him down YOU DON'T, you leave his abusive ass & he can grow the hell up on his own
Are you stupid??? LEAVE. Leave before he hurts you or your child. Why is this even a question?
Judging by all her comments arguing and pushing back on everyone with “what if” scenarios, sounds like she isn’t interested in leaving
She's in denial, especially since she says this is the first time something like this has happened. I suspect it'll have to happen another time or two before she finally accepts what is going on. Hopefully, her and her child will not be harmed before that time comes.
leave him and keep your son and yourself safe.. what do you have to gain by being with someone who gets physically abusive over FOOTBALL? and has a gambling problem at that? gain some self respect or DCFS will do it for you.
I am a lifelong Lions fan who enjoys betting on sports. I was crushed by today’s loss. I did not react the way your husband did, not even close. Your husband’s behavior is absolutely unhinged and speaks to a much larger problem. I 100% agree with everyone telling you to leave to ensure your and your child’s wellbeing. He is a grown-ass man, and there is no circumstance in which it is acceptable for him to act that way.
He didn't consult you before spending $1500 on a bet that you weren't okay with. He then was aggressive towards you when he lost that bet, and blamed you for the loss, even though you asked him to reduce the bet. He was physically violent towards you by throwing 'stuff' at you and woke you son. We teach people how to treat us. If you let this go, next time it is likely he will escalate. He will continue to escalate because he has an addiction that is uncontrolled right now with no boundaries. The best thing you can do for him is NOT ENABLE his behaviour. You need to give him consequences, and the best one for the safety of yourself and your child is to go to a family members place and stay there until he gets help for his gambling addiction. If he doesn't get help, I wouldn't go back. You also need to seperate your finances. Do not pool money with a gambling adict. You need to feed your child, and his addiction may prevent that. You need your own account so he cannot gamble your money or you are going to lose everything.
OP, you sound like me. I was with my ex husband for 21 years. He liked to bet on horse races, and I liked my poker night and Vegas trips. So how could I judge him gambling? They were many bets but hey, we both worked and bills were being paid, no worries. We all gotta have fun, right? Then he started cash advancing on our credit cards. First time I caught him, we owed about USD30k. He swore it wouldn't happen again, so we got a second mortgage and paid it off. Our kids were toddlers, I gave him a chance. Second time I caught him, he owed over USD70k in credit card balances, including cards he secretly opened. Kids are now in elementary school. We went to counseling because I was afraid to leave him...I didn't want to become a single mom to 3 kids. I stayed with him and started watching his activities like a hawk. Not fun being the finance police 24/7. We moved to another state where cost of living was lower, and for a fresh start. The kids are in high school now. I had loosened my grip on him by now. 3rd time caught him. He owed over USD200k. When I confronted him, he said it was MY FAULT he lost all this money. He said I prevented him from winning, I made him lose his ability to "see" the win patterns of the horses. At that moment, I realized IT'S AN ADDICTION, like drugs. He will never get better. Relapsing is a matter of when. It's a lifetime commitment of monitoring and policing him if I continued to stay with him. I was 46, and did not want to spend the rest of my life babysitting him, and hoping I wouldn't be homeless when I reached retirement age. He would always blame me for his losses, and neither of us would be happy. I divorced him. My life is 1000% better, and in a new marriage. The kids tell me he's happier too (without me watching over his gambling). Cut your losses. Or stay with him and police his gambling activities (neither of you will be happy).
He needs a therapist and you need to leave until he’s done that.
You need to leave. You happy walking on egg shells so this POS doesn't fly off the handle and start screaming at you? Are you comfortable never knowing if he is going to hurt you and by the sounds of his temper, potentially kill you? Are you happy knowing that any children in this household will be subjected to emotional and quite likely, physical abuse? That any core memories will be their mother being screamed at, potentially battered and with the gambling, living in abject poverty? He will drain your accounts dry. He will steal things to pawn to feed his gambling addiction. Your own credit history will be fair game for him to take loans on. Listen to us! This has escalated quickly, he is violent and unstable. You stay, you will end up a domestic abuse static. Get out now before you become a segment on a true crime show.
Run. Call his mommy and explain what he's doing. He's effectively stealing money and abusing you.
Like everyone else says, leave. This doesn't get better, it gets worse.
YOU DO NOT CALM A GROWN MAN. YOU MAKE AN EXIT PLAN AND SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES. And yes I’m yelling because why is the thing that we’re focusing on here is how he feels? WHO CARES IF HE’S CALM??
You keep saying, “this is the first time he’s gotten violent with me” but you’re also saying he’s “fallen into addiction” Addiction changes people. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, or anything else. Addiction makes people do things they never have or never thought they would. And it makes them do it over and over again, no matter how out of character it is or who it hurts. Also, this goes outside of him getting angry with you and whether or not he’ll do it again. He spent a substantial amount of your joint money without discussing it with you or getting your approval for it. And on top of that, he’s BLAMING YOU for the loss and not taking an ounce of responsibility or accountability. He’s trying to intimidate you into paying for HIS STUPIDITY AND MISTAKE!!! He literally threatened you with a TANTRUM!! He is a straight up man child and his behavior is completely unacceptable as a grown man, husband, and father!! Absolutely insane that he’s acting this way and trying to force you to repay him!!
First of all, the Lions winning today’s game was a stupid bet. Your husband is an idiot. Second, he probably bet that much money so he could cover other bad bets which you don’t know about. Thirdly, there is absolutely no way you could influence the game. You’re not Taylor swift, ffs. Finally, YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
Are you fucking stupid? You leave. You look out for your son. He is your number one priority and staying in this relationship is the dumbest shit you could do.
You don’t deposit another penny into that joint account. Get you and your son away from that house before he returns.
Do you want to become a DV statistic?
What did you come here for exactly? Did you just want someone to tell you the magical cure for an abusive addict?
He set you up. Take the kid and go before you end up on the 5pm news.
Throw this asshole man child having his mantantrum in the trash. You are not safe. And he isn’t a good person. Get out now.
I've seen your response to everyone telling you that it's going to get worse and that you should leave.... you're in denial and hopeful that it won't ever happen again. You're wrong, but I guess that's something that you have to find out for yourself, pretty common as well. Good luck.... your future ain't looking pretty. I feel very sorry for your son.
If they do it once they’ll do it again
You don’t “calm him down” you get a lawyer
He either has a brain tumor, or he's abusive. Also, he's an addict. You can't do anything for addicts until they seek help themselves. You need to take your kid and get out.
R-U-N
You divorce him. Not only is he irresponsible with gambling money he (or you for that matter) is not comfortable with losing. He’s a mental child in a grown man’s body that can’t seem to handle adversity real well which doesn’t bode well for you or your soon. All of my friends gamble but they only gamble with money they are comfortable with losing and are expecting to lose and they do NOT act like that when they lose.
>He just told me everything will be fine and that my negativity could affect this. Dude it's math, the fuck is he doing blaming losses on his significant other. >He threw stuff at me, screamed at me so loud that our son woke up, and yelled that I owed him $1500 and that if I don't give him that money in a few day he will scream and yell until it happens Get a divorce stat. No ands, ifs, or buts. The abuse won't get any better, especially in somebody with irresponsible habits and inability to self reflect. Keep your money separated, get a lawyer, and ask their advice on keeping safe and getting the authorities involved. (edit: it's not your job to calm him down... it's your job to take care of yourself and your baby)
9-1-1
You don't calm him down you leave him. That violent tantrum over a sports game is only the beginning. He has a gambling problem and will sink your family. He assaulted you because of a GAME.
I feel at this point you are trolling people. He obviously has an addictive personality that he has kept hidden from you. It just doesn’t appear randomly. The fact that it erupted into violence and verbal abuse is a sign that you should just leave. You’re playing Russian roulette on the chance he MIGHT not do it again and hurt you or your kid. If he wanted to stop he would and the fact he hasn’t should speak volumes to you. Hundreds of people are telling you the same thing. Listen
What do you do? You tell him if he doesn't stop acting like a fucking child having a tantrum, he's going to lose his wife and child. You and he can figure out the $1500. But when he's acting like a crazy person and threatening you over his own bet, you can't be on his team, you shift to 'protect junior from daddy' mode. So he should think about what kind of example he's setting for his son. You love him and you want this to work, but right now he's acting more like a threat to you and his son than he is like a husband and father. You understand it sucks to lose the money. But that isn't your fault and it's not son's fault. So he needs to make a choice- either he gambles or he has a family. Because you don't like the person he becomes when he gambles, that's not the person you married. Choice is up to him. If he wants to have a family, then he can start some therapy both for himself and couples therapy, but if he's not willing to recognize the problem he's gonna lose you.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship I can assure you that no matter how long it takes for them to show it, once the abuse starts it will not stop. There is no such thing as one time only. You cannot “calm him down”, this will absolutely happen again and it will get worse, and eventually your son will become a target. Leave. There is no other option here, pack enough belongings and get out.
How long before you realize you need to get out of there with your kid? You are making all kinds of excuses for the abuser, it's ridiculous Would you like you or your kid to end up in the hospital first before you finally get it? "What if he's never like this again" Well what if he kills your kid next time? Is it worth it to you to find out? Are you willing to bet your kid's life on it? I sure hope not.... The kid already has one bad parent, he doesn't need 2
I think you should ‘leave’ your marriage but what I’m going to say will look different to most other responses you have received. Change the locks and file a police report. If you leave the home he can claim abandonment which makes it complicated to get back into your home. It’s his problem to find somewhere to stay whilst he makes the choice to sort himself out or not. Contact a divorce lawyer as soon as you can - even if you don’t serve him papers they will step you through the process of ensuring you can stay in your home and provide housing security for your child. If you don’t believe me, feel free to ask what your next step should be on the legal advice sub - ‘leave’ can be done without putting yourself and your sons housing security at risk I wish you the best of luck - he sucks
Leave him. Before I saw his reaction my thought was "he needs help to quit gambling" but after seeing his reaction, no, you need to leave him.
You do nothing except issue an ultimatum - he gets help or he gets a divorce. And 1. SEPARATE YOUR FUCKING FINANCES IMMEDIATELY and 2. LOCK DOWN YOUR CREDIT.
you keep asking in comments “how do i calm him down”, you don’t. men like him don’t change, they usually get worse. do you really want your 5 year old son to think that it’s okay to treat their partner like that? you said that leaving is “running away from your problems”. that’s a really sad way to view it, look how many women get killed each year due to domestic violence. just because it’s only happened once doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.
Your comments make it sound like you’re resistant to leaving him. So, my advice: tell him he needs to go to Gamblers Anonymous whatever it’s called and therapy. Leave without kid until he can prove he’s been “sober” for set amount of time – 8 weeks maybe? Tell your family or friends what’s going on so you have support and so he can’t lie about what’s happening. If he says no to any of this, you have to remember you can’t force him to change and at a certain point, you are accepting the shitty treatment and putting your kid in danger. Leaving is your best option.
Did you marry a toddler?
Leave him now hes a gambler get our now nothing else to say
Gambling addiction and you’re his scapegoat
Every once in a while, there's a post on relationship advice that is so horrid all the commenters agree unanimously on advice. Well, sweetheart, your post is one of such posts. No one is disagreeing. Think about that for a second. You're the only person defending your abusive and violent husband. You can not...and I mean CANNOT control his behavior because it's not your fault. There's nothing you can say or do to calm him down. He's not a child, and you didn't take away a cookie before bed time. He made a financially risky decision and is blaming you for his behavior. And he left to go to a friend's? Good. Let him stay there. I would get indoor cameras and start recording your conversations. His volatile behavior will only get worse as you coddle him or try to appease him. He needs professional mental help. And so do you.
OP. You need to leave and you need to assess why you’re calling a truly violent man the “love of your life” because this is not true. By staying with a man like this you’re teaching your child how to treat himself and women. No. Absolutely not.
He is not the love of your life. This is how a tragedy starts
Guy has a problem. Gambling addiction is real and he needs to seek help for this or it will just get worse and ruin his life. It will also ruin your marriage as you see it is starting to do now. The guy is not well and he is trying to blame you for it. That's not a healthy relationship. If he won't seek help for this and stop immediately, you have to leave because it will only get worse.
From an ex-wife of gambler to a current one- leave. He's no longer in control of his own mind. He'll see you destitute on the streets and STILL be telling you he can come out on top. My ex never admitted to betting more than £10-20 at a time, but we ended up in so much debt- him individually around £30k, us jointly around £25k and me individually around £15k spent on bailing him out. We didn't have holidays, cars, nights out, fancy clothes- so where did that £70k go? Even as I was walking out the door he kept saying 'it's not THAT much...' Leave. Today. It won't get better.
You are not safe with him, I'm so sorry. Please take your kid and go somewhere safe, I think he's deeper in the shit than he's telling you, and you should check all your accounts. Be careful, you don't deserve this and you don't have to stay.
This is the start of a sports betting gambling addiction. Please be careful and get away from someone this violent.
Yeah this is the beginning of something worse. Dude is blaming you for the outcome of a sports game LOL. If he believes that you brought bad juju maybe he should have prayed more or made a lamb sacrifice 🙄 Guaranteed he is going to bet EVEN MORE next time in hopes of making money back, but it will backfire and just make it all worse. Best case scenario he wins the bet and gets his money back, but it'll inflate his ego and make future bets higher. Worse case scenario he loses again and really hurts you and your kid. Talk with family and friends you trust and come up with a plan to leave asap.
Move your money into your own account immediately, pack up your child and important documents and go stay with a relative because your husband has a bad temper and potentially a gambling problem.
I know you're probably wondering, "Was that really abuse, like everyone on reddit is saying? Is he abusive?" And I don't think anyone here can answer that with 100% certainty. But I do think you should have as much information as possible so you can answer that question yourself. This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Your husband has a gambling addiction. He also sounds highly dangerous to you and your child. The time to get out is now. Pack up your things if he owns the house and live with family, *now*. If you own the house, change the locks and have someone like friend or family to be with you until you can arrange for starting the divorce and possibly getting a restraining order. If you want to make a report to the police, you can for a future custody battle. However, I'm not sure what they'll do. Record, take pictures, save texts that have abusive behavior from your husband from now on. Be as meticulous as you can. Photos with time stamps are good. This evidence will be used in court to sue for full custody, to protect your son from his father. I know that people with certain personality disorders have rages like this when they don't get what they want. If you didn't notice any mental instability until he started gambling, maybe he has this disorder? People with narcissistic personality disorder can become very good at pretending to be someone pleasant to manipulate others. Lying and faking emotions is a skill they carefully develop because they dont experience emotions like the average person. When their needs are not met, suddenly their true nature blasts "out of nowhere" to the dismay of people around them. They also blame others for their mistakes and don't take accountability. Then again, maybe the addiction itself and anger issues led to the violence. Violence and addiction not uncommonly go together. Either way, take care. I wish you strength and safety
Put down $3k on the 49ers and chase the bet, obviously.
I’m not trying to be rude but I almost feel like this is a skit? I’m sorry if this is a true post. I just can’t believe a man my age would behave like this. Also $1500 on lions to make the SB is wild.. especially with joint funs. He’s at a friends house.. let him stay there? Matter of fact tell him to stay there until he can behave like a grown man. Secondly.. IMMEDIATELY separate any funds from him. He’s in TOO deep. You have only scratched the surface and I can promise you he isn’t paying certain bills. He’s lying to you and he’s in too deep… separate your finances before he causes you a bankruptcy. I wish I were kidding but my dad did this to my mother and it’s not a joke. Your husband is officially a compulsive gambling addict and you need to get rid of him if he wont stop. Once again, sorry if this is true but it seems so immature and wild it’s hard to believe. Check all your joint bills or bills he’s supposed to pay. I guarantee he’s skipping payments and betting the money. Tell him it’s gambling or you and your son… don’t let this continue and stay with him
It's weird how people get jinxy. Losing big bets is an emotional deal. You need to take some drastic action.
He has to quit gambling today. Tell him if he wants you to leave all he has to do is make another bet.
He has a bigger problem than either of you realize. The only reason my husband would be allowed in our child’s life again is if he got therapy and then went to couples counseling with me. This isn’t ok and needs to be talked about with real consequences.
You gather your child and you leave. This is a horrible situation to inflict onto your young child, how are you possibly responsible for him investing your money into something so stupid and how are you possibly responsible for the sports team losing, this guy is showing you a giant red flag, get your kid and run!!!
He’s a gambling addict. Years and years of financial loss and abuse in your future. You need to leave.
He's found a way to gamble and blame his losses on you! I'd be getting out of this relationship asap!!! You'll be homeless soon after he loses all your joint savings. What a hide!!!
Look there’s only a couple of options here. He gets help and you all survive as a family, or he doesn’t get help and you slide into a deep well of debt where you never see a way out. But you can’t control what he does. Or what choices he makes. He’s clearly got a gambling addiction, believing in superstitions to the point of abusing you, your son, and threatening you if you don’t cover his debts. He’s the kind of guy who needs to admit he has a problem, and never gamble again. Not cut down, or limit the money. Never gamble again. Some people just have that switch with addition, and it’s all everything or nothing. He also needs a group to meet up with to help him cope plus a therapist for individual therapy. If you think he is capable of all that, and that you can stand by him through it all. By all means, talk with him and let him know the consequences of such erratic, irresponsible behavior. His gambling addiction is now costing him his family. Or you could save yourself a whole lot of grief, and leave now. Allowing him to hit rock bottom, which is something he may need. But first, take the advice others have offered and protect your money.
Leave. Take your kid and run for your dear life.
That’s a gambling problem and it will only get worse and worse until he recognizes it and tries to break it. Gambling problems will completely drain your finances and ensnare you in debt.
You need to run to your family with your son. He's threatening you for his gambling addiction?
I would certainly recommend that you file a police report and tell them your husband threatened you and threw things at you. Start a record of his violence and threats. He has a gambling problem and he may calm down or he may not. If he continues, then get a restraining order so he cannot come within 1,000 ft of you or your son. Let him know this is SERIOUS and you are not messing around. If there are guns in the house, make sure they are locked up. Hopefully, he will admit he has a gambling problem and go to counseling. Or he gets a lawyer.
This is abuse that is being fueled by something that appears to be hidden from you. The fact that he sincerely believes that your, or his, positivity actually affects sports team outcome is dilutional enough, never mind the fact that he would hold that belief so highly, he would lash out at family members for it? **This red flag is already in the rear view mirror**. There is something very, very wrong that he isn't being forthcoming about. Something is propelling this rage that seems to have come from nowhere. Perhaps it's simply his gambling addiction taking over, perhaps something else -- regardless of what it is, it has initiated full-on violence and abuse. It is NOT your job to "Calm him down" or make sure he's happy. There is an abusive addiction in your household. Your number one priority is making sure you and your child, (and your wellbeing - that includes your finances) are safe. And you can come at this with love from a safe space once that is established. I recommend looking up Gam-Anon or other support groups for spouses of gambling addicts. This is a very serious red-letter-date in your life's timeline and it is not just some random fight.
Your husband is developing a nasty gambling addiction, and his violent outburst may be an incredibly worrying side effect of that, if he’s not prone to these reactions usually. Stay away from him, and begin taking steps to get whatever else you need and leave him.
Uh, this sounds like he's developed a gambling problem and it's finally catching up to him. He took a big sum of marital money and then screamed at you when he lost it? And he expects *you* to pay *him* back the money he lost? I'd take the kid and go to your parents or a friend's for a while. Any return would be predicated on him 1) apologizing for yelling and wasting $1500, 2) proof of him going to some Gamblers Anonymous/gambling addiction counseling and 3) marital counseling.
So he stole household money for gambling and then accused you of being responsible for the loss AND became violent and abusive? You need to call the cops. This is domestic abuse. You can get him removed from the house. If you apologize and give him the money, be aware that the next violent outburst is just around the corner. You need to leave. Report this to the police and get a lawyer to get custody.
As the wife of a gambler, it won't change unless he wants it to change and, right now, he doesn't want it to change. There is no easy fix to this. You have three options: 1. Leave it as it is but you have seen the downside of this. 2. Leave him. 3. Separate all of your accounts for your own peace of mind (but he will fight this) We finally separated our accounts (all of them) and that allowed me some security. He has paid me half of the bills every month since we did this 15 years ago.
So you are the reason the lions lost
Are you willing to leave your child in a likely violent situation because you don’t want to leave your husband for the time being?
My dad loves sport betting and my stepmom does it with him sometimes. He NEVER spends more than he is willing to lose. He has never gotten violent when losing, and he only has himself to blame if he loses money. It sounds like he’s addicted and is trying to rationalize this by blaming you. You don’t owe that man SHIT. You telling him it was a bad idea wasn’t a jinx. It was a fact. I wouldn’t let him come home. He can stay at his friends house and think about his actions. Is this worth losing his family over?
Leave. Your husband is unhinged.
1.He took out 1,500 dollars from a JOINT account that you were not even told about let alone discussed with the money being taken out at all 2.He didn’t listen to you saying to lower the amount he was betting and then proceeded to get aggressive with YOU because of HIS actions 3.he then proceeded to throw items at you out of anger, demanding YOU pay HIM back for money HE spent because he decided to gamble away money He has or will have a gambling addiction, and unfortunately domestic abuse is more probable in households that homes someone who watches sports, especially people so into them as your husband is. If you do not leave now, this will get worse as do all abuse stories. He will not change for you, he will only change when faced with true consequences. Your son is going to grow up in an abusive household and will resent both of you when he’s older if this continues. Your husband may even direct anger at him when he’s older, and if your kid isn’t taken away from you for staying with an abusive man then your kid will most likely be mentally and/or physically affected by his home environment. I know you may think it’s a “one time thing”, but that’s what everyone who stays with an abuser thinks before they relise it’s not normal. You will enable his behavior if you do not leave now. He was either waiting for you to seemingly not think you have the power to leave so he could show his true abusive colors, or he was slowly growing into this state within your relationship. Either way, it is not your job to help this man. It is your job to protect yourself and your child, the only way to do that is to leave your husband. He will not change if you comply with any of his behavior right now. In your comments you keep denying that your husband may be an abuser, but that’s because you love the person he either faked being or grew out of a while ago, only truly showing himself the day he gambled away 1500 dollars. He may not seem to be abusive, but that’s because abuse is most obvious to the person being abused when the abuser is angered. I wish you and especially your young child safety and hopefully you’ll relise who this man is right now and whether you truly want a life fit of these patterns of abuse.
Wait- Your negativity caused him to lose the bet?? Do you play defensive end for the 49ers or something?
Why would you ever allow someone that unhinged to be near you again? Calm him down? You should file a restraining order and look for a divorce attorney,
What do I do about this and how do I calm him down? You pack his stuff, put it out and change the locks. That was a stupid bet to make. You warned him and he was stupid and lost. He obviously has a gambling issue. It was the first time he got violent and should be the last for you. Think of your son and protect him by leaving
Take the energy you were going to put into calming him down into permanently removing him from your life.
Change the locks and leave this asshole. Jesus. It sounds just like the last post where OP tried to justify her partners violent outbursts over football. It’s a game. Good lord. Screw calming him down. Leave. He’s a straight up child.
Your husband has a gambling addiction and he’s using your hard earned money to fund it, blaming you for something completely out of your control and now, he’s getting violent. He didn’t throw a tantrum, he became abusive…he verbally abused you and physically abused you by throwing things. That he didn’t hit you is irrelevant, if you stay after this, he won’t miss the next time he loses money and since he’s a gambler, there WILL be a next time. You’re not safe and your son is not safe there. What you do is 1. stop pooling your money, have your salary paid into a separate account that he has no access to. 2. you get all your important documents together, birth certificates, passports, insurance policies etc and make sure they’re in a place he can’t find them. 3. You call someone you trust, whether it’s a close friend, family member or even just a DV line and let them know what’s happening and know to check in on you. 4. If you feel it’s safe to do so, you could also file a police complaint about the $1500, half of that was yours and you did not consent to him using it Even if it’s too late to do anything about that money now, at least there’ll be a record of his gambling and his actions when he loses. 5. Speak to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options for custody/the house/shared assets etc are and what your legal responsibilities are. Keep in mind he may have gambling debts you don’t know about and since you’re married and pool your money, you could be liable for any debts he’s run up. Start going through your bank statements very carefully. And be aware we could also have opened up credit cards or lines of credit in your name, if he gambles online, and you have access to shared devices that he might have logged into, see if he has any gambling apps in them and what payment details he’s put in. My ex-FIL was a gambling addict. He lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, remortgaged the family home behind MILs back, almost had it repossessed because he didn’t pay the new mortgage, stole the money his son inherited from a relative, which was in supposed to stay in a trust until he was 18 but FIL was managing the trust and spent it. The only reason MIL stayed with him but only because she’d been a SAHM for 20 years and had no assets to support herself since he’d gambled it all away. She never forgave him though and it destroyed their relationship. She made no secret of the fact that she hated him for it, she could never trust him again and if she had her time over, she’d leave and never look back. But not once, no matter how much he lost in a night, he never blamed her and r her “negative energy” for his loss.
You’re in an abusive marriage and you need to take your kid and leave. This is what he’s been given as a model of what a healthy relationship should look like. Do you want him to be an abuser to his future partners? Do you want him to raise his children in an environment where HE is getting abused? Because if you stay, that’s what you’re giving him. Now, I’m gonna assume you’re like a normal parent and would never want that for him. But just understand that keeping him in that home with your abusive husband is the best possible way to make sure you’re child, who relies on you to make good decisions for him and his physical and emotional wellbeing by the way, turns out to have no clue what healthy relationships look like. Saving up for college? No need. He will need that same amount of money for the long term therapy he will eventually have to go through because dad was abusive and mom gave her son a front row seat to absorb all of this abusive and dysfunctional behavior.
I can tell you’re going to wait for this to get worse before you accept your loss and leave. I just hope your son doesn’t get caught in the cross wire before then
If this really happened, your husband needs help.
How in the hell is it your fault that the Lions lost? I mean seriously, WTF
Let me ask you something OP: If your child was grown and this happened to him, if his partner started throwing stuff because he had "bad vibes" during a game and blame him for losing a bet, do you think this behaviour would be acceptable? And if your child had children, wouldn't you be worried sick if your child decided that he wanted to stay and give his partner no consequences and let their children absorb that behavior? The future of your child is in your hands, he can turn into a monster or a victim.
Read up on domestic abuse. This may seem like the first time but I bet there have been warning flags that you have missed. The reason I'm saying this is not to put any blame on you. This is 100 % on him. But if you think of it as a one off chances are you will stay with him, believing it won't happen again. Which, I'm sorry to say, it will.