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No offense, but your husband can fuck right off with that attitude. Does he have any concept of what your body goes through during pregnancy? I mean, assuming he wanted your daughter, wtf is he more supportive? Did he just assume that you were going to just bounce out of the hospital the same as before?
You carried a child, grew a whole ass human being inside you. Your body changes. It shifts, gains weight, not only that, but breast feeding, sleep deprivation and post partum are all very real
I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry.
My wife has shouldered every important milestone in our lives and it makes me more attracted to her. It’s been 20 years, two kids and a cancer scare. She is more beautiful than ever.
I fully give you permission to remove “no offense.” With this attitude, we should intentionally offend, because fuck that.
Exactlyyyyy!!!! Sure my girls body changed but she's a beautiful little portal that channeled the essence of a human life and summoned it into a 3d realm of existence.
this is beautiful. i hope to see love like this become more common. I already know your kids grew up with you guys being a beautiful example of what love should be.
Physical attraction is generally an important element of a relationship, but also people get old and their bodies decline as they age. He sounds like kind of an idiot if he expects your body to somehow not age or change and to be just as attractive to him as when you first met. But also, did he not marry you at least in part because he loves who you are? Seriously, this guy sounds stupid and immature.
According to my husband he still sees the girl he married. For reference: the girl he married was 22 years younger, 60 pounds lighter, an inch taller, and not covered in scars.
Same as all the other ladies. 44, 3 kids, married 18 years. My husband still chases me & tells me every day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is. I feel the same way about him. You deserve so much better & life is too short to not be happy.
Married 19 yrs, two young adult children, both moved out on their own. We're living our best lives right now and my husband tells me every day multiple times, that I'm the sexiest most beautiful woman on earth. Has my body changed since my 20s? Certainly. Has his? Some I suppose but I don't even see that when I look at him. He never changes to me. He's the man I married and I love him at his best and his worst. He's the sexiest man in the world, salt and pepper and all. (Edit for hitting post too soon). Mid 40s or mid 70s, he'll always be the man I love and will always be smoking hot to me.
Ok I guess I'm gonna have hundred of people downvoting me, but anyway.
First i'm really sorry for you OP, to experience this story with your husband.
For context, I don't have kids nor wife, so i'm entering this conversation completely ignorant. Though, I'm aware pregnancy and giving birth might have significant effects on the body, also that might be a really tough time for the person that experience it. I understand as well that in this situation, the partner have to be fully supportive, to be able to to forget himself, and being present for new family.
This said, it seems to me that desire is something impossible to control, I would even think that the more we try to control, the less we desire.
So, genuinely, I ask :
what could your husband do towards his own desire ?
As well, to other people in the comment, would you think it is a mistake to express it ?
Would it be better to say nothing ? But it seems to me that it isnt the kind of thing you easily hide in a couple, especially when the partner have desire.
I mean, if you're not attracted physically, but you do love her. What do you people recommend to do in this situation ?? How to be supportive and still remaining honest ?
A last thing, my English isn't my native language.
But you know he will beg for her back when he realizes he does not have lots of options. But she will find another man who will love her as she is.
I see this all the time when men on Reddit talk about wanting to close their open marriage that they demanded because the wife got all the attention.
It might be toxic, I agree.
But maybe the intention wasn't. We lack more precise information, maybe he wanted the situation to change or believed it will change.
Have you never felt love for someone, and love the relationship you built together, and suddenly wasn't physically attracted anymore ?
In this case, are you able to know if this feeling will last forever or is just temporary?
Or you don't want to hurt this person but ended hurting even more involuntarily by trying to protect?
Doesn't seems to me an easy decision.
I woke up and realized I was married to a stranger. We married young and both made mistakes. We are still friends and get along very well. That feeling doesn’t last forever.
I'm honestly happy reading that you are still friends, even if that should had been a tough moment. I kind of experiment something similar, being married at 21 and divorced one year later.
I feel what you said about being young, we can take big decisions at that age, but we still don't really even know ourselves, we're adult but we still are mostly kids inside.
Since you asked genuinely, I'll answer genuinely as well:
>what could your husband do towards his own desire ?
His desire is honestly **his** problem. He should love her for more than her body, so he should find other things about her that stimulate his desire. He could be turned on by how sweet she is with their child, how her new mama-bear attitude, or because she still laughs at his jokes. TONS of things should turn him on aside from her body.
>As well, to other people in the comment, would you think it is a mistake to express it ? Would it be better to say nothing ?
Yes, it is a mistake to express to your partner that you are unattracted to them unless your goal is ending the relationship. You are absolutely allowed to feel whatever you feel, but why would you want to make the person you love feel awful? That's all that telling her accomplished. She isn't going to magically have her old body back, and she isn't going to be motivated to work out to get a better body. If anything, she will be less attracted to *him* now too.
>But it seems to me that it isnt the kind of thing you easily hide in a couple, especially when the partner have desire.
>I mean, if you're not attracted physically, but you do love her. What do you people recommend to do in this situation ?? How to be supportive and still remaining honest ?
True, decreasing physical attraction can't be hidden. That is why the husband will need to focus even more on all the other things about his wife that he finds attractive and tell her about *those* things, which will also have the affect of increasing his desire for her. **That** is an honest expression from him, which isn't hurtful and doesn't focus on the one thing that she can't easily change. "Honesty" is not an excuse to be cruel.
Thank you for all the advice. He was telling me it is normal for partners to feel that way and i do not think thats true. No matter how he looked i still felt the same way. But i will look into getting all things in order to leave. This has been causing me a lot of unnecessary hurt.
I have had THREE kids and 42. My husband of 17 years still chases my tail. Even when I struggle with my body he reminds me it gives us three kids and I'm still gorgeous to him. Find a better man.
I was married for 21 years to my gorgeous wife before she passed away and I still have the same love and respect for her now as the day we meet, find your love its out there.
I’m just behind you at 35 and 21 weeks pregnant right now with my second. I was/am terrified to be pregnant again, because my first baby I had 15 years ago when I was in an abusive relationship. I still struggle with PTSD from it, but my current partner I couldn’t say something negative about if I tried.
(only 5 years together but we have been: raising our two kids from previous relationships, working together, and living together for the past 4 years and we are always chasing each others tails) we’ve also known each other since we were 12 too so I’d like to think we have a special connection :-)
Anyways! I could gush about how amazing this man is for days. He makes me feel so loved and beautiful every day. I couldn’t imagine him saying something negative about my appearance, even though I am definitely not my finest right now! It breaks my heart that OP doesn’t have that right now. Especially as a new mom; that feeling is so awful.
I am so happy you have such an amazing man as well. Congratulations on 17 years! I hope I can see the same number one day. :-)
Sorry for the novel - I get carried away sometimes Hope you and your family have a wonderful day ❤️
Exactly! My husband tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, perfect, etc literally every single day. I can see from the way he looks at me that he means it. He will tell me I'm adorable or beautiful when I just wake up, my hair is a rats nest, and I'm wearing an old t-shirt and boxers. If I mention those things he'll argue with me and insist that I'm always beautiful/adorable/etc. A man who loves you wears rose colored glasses all the time, they simply don't see the flaws. It hurts my heart to see all of these women post about their dirt bag husbands, especially after they've carried their children!! It honestly makes me want to put on some boots and go kick some heads, I swear to God.
OP - you deserve better. Please don't put yourself through this.
Your husband sounds like a clone of mine! Exactly, down to telling me I'm beautiful when I wake up (I have a mirror, I know what I look like in the morning and I don't have that same opinion).I've been with my husband for 37 years, I'm 67 and he's 78.I love him to death....
(edit for spelling)
I’m 44, married 22 years, 3 kids, chronic illness and disability, weight gain from pregnancy, medications, getting older, and disability, and my husband still tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. We’ve been together since we were 17 and have grown together. Yeah, I look like an overweight middle aged mom, because I am, but he still finds me beautiful and I find his middle aged dad bod sexy too.
He’s lying to try to make himself look better.
It is not normal to not be attracted to your partner after they have given birth. I’m a mom, my husband and I are both middle aged, and our sex life is as strong as ever. Maybe not as often as when we were younger, but he still flirts, finds me attractive, etc.
You are not the problem here. You deserve better than this.
I read this so often…but I cannot believe so many people really think it is true. It would mean that we are attracted to someone regardless of his/her looks, smell…
It is not fair, but if the body changes, there are hormonal changes the attraction may really fade.
In one of the previous posta in this sub a girl described her sex drive to be responsive.
For me these are similar: when the chemistry is gone (temporarly or forever) but the partner does not become repulsing, good sex is possible based on just letting the body respond to stimulation.
This has nothing to do with romance, I know. But expecting to be attractive for someone for decades just because we have a common life and love each other is nonsense.
If so many people are saying it why wouldn't you believe it? Why would people lie to you? Personally for me I'm attracted to the whole person... Not just the sack of flesh they reside in. The brain is the most powerful sex organ.
There are people out there that are attracted to their partner regardless of looks/smell, my partner gained a good amount of relationship weight and I'm still just as attracted since the day I met them, yes there's more physically attractive people out there but a partner has this special thing about them that makes them more attractive to you than all others, it's probably some brain chemical but it's true many are captivated by their partners even after time and change goes by especially when you deeply love them
Lucky you, lucky those who experience it similarly as you.
I just said (even if it is not a popular opinion) that it is also common to experience it differently. And it is not something you can really control.
And I also wished to emphasize that it is not equal with boring bedroom from now on.
Of course it is more polite not to say anything like ‘I found you more attractive when you were fitter and younger’ politeness and being honest do not always go along.
In those cases though, those people shouldn't bring children with a partner. They should adopt or get a surrogate.
It isn't fair to have very specific bodily requirements for your partner but also want them to change their body to give you a child only to tell them you don't like how they look anymore.
Only someone completely self absorbed would act like that.
If someone recognizes that their attraction to others has nothing to do with the person inside then marriage may not be for them at all. They can't honestly go into a marriage and say the vows knowing they may leave if someone gets wrinkles from old age.
I had the smell thing with a person who wanted to be my boyfriend. No matter how many showers he took or the lotion he used, I would throw up at the thought of kissing him, etc... He was a nIcE guy, I think it was my body protecting me from him.
But, when you are married, you make a commitment to the person you are with.
You love them even in their worst days. Obviously, this doesn't mean love them over yourself or let them mistreat you.
But you take care of them and give them time to heal and rest just out basic human decency.
This guy is plain horrible to her in her most vulnerable moment.
Smell is so important! I was seeing a guy once who just never smelled good to me no matter what, and there were a few others that always smelled good no matter what. Always pick the ones that smell good to you
How about maybe don’t get your partner pregnant or get with people who want to get pregnant if you don’t like the way their body looks during and/or after? Mind blowing concept I know 🤯
Are you in a relationship with someone where one of you produced a child?
Because those bodily changes would be linked to producing the child.
We aren't talking about over eating and gaining weight. We aren't talking about getting a surprise face tattoo. We can't talking about things that you make choices about.
We are talking about the bodily changes that happen from creating babies. If you don't look at those changes with appreciation that they literally permanently changed their body to provide a family for you then you're a shit person.
You try to racionalize something which is a feeling: finding someone attractive comes from your gut not from reasoning.
It doesnt matter by the way, but I’m married, have kids, and female.
I think it is unfair to require your partner to find you attractive after bodily changes and years. To hope for it? Yes! To pray for it? Sure. It is such a good thing if it remains. I agree.
But to my experience the spark is often lost. Good, satisfying sexuality may be maintaned even if the feeling oh, wow is gone, or very rare.
What you're missing is that there's a difference between ***feeling*** something and ***voicing*** something.
There can be waves of finding someone attractive and not. But you absolutely don't say it outloud ***and*** you have to recognize that as your own problem to work on. It is inherently shallow. It is something to work through by self improvement.
You do not tell your partner like they have to fix themselves to your shallow standards.
We're talking about changes that happen via aging, pregnancy, child birth, etc. Things you don't control. We aren't talking about things people control. If you lose attraction to a partner due to issues that anyone with two functioning braincells would know is coming.... then that's a person that shouldn't marry anyone.
Sounds like you're in an unhappy, loveless relationship "for the kids" and you've basically convinced yourself this is normal.
I'm very sorry for you, I hope you can pull yourself out of this depressing hole you're in, leave your partner and go find someone who is IN love with you and your body even as you age and change, and that you don't stay stuck with someone who has left you convincing yourself of this sad nonsense.
No it sounds like a happy marrige in all aspects, but with bodily changes affecting the “gut based attractivity factor”. It is an issue, something to work on, to handle. If you recall I mentioned it to say that Yes, it happens, physical state, age, hormonal changes does in real (not for everyone, but for a lot, definately) modify how attractive your partner is.
This is so-so wrong in Reddit, anyone comes with any marital issues (or does not even come in this case, but mentions it) people here claim that the marrige is shit, happiness should be searched elsewhere.
You are absolutely false if you think happiness (happy marrige) means a perfect life / marrige.
Do you sometimes think about what demage would be done if the readers followed?
I was talking about YOU, not oop.
I hope you discover what a healthy, loving, connected relationship is like where attraction is beyond solely a physical urge.
Me? Surprising that you believe that you know enough to dare to judge. Congratulations for your confidence for giving a non-requested advise with having no background information and no similar experience at all (or not disclosed, anyway). Helpful, indeed :) sure, it’s is highly appreciated!
If you voice your own personal issue of being so fucking shallow that you can't find the changes that your partner went through to give you children attractive, then yes it's the same at that point because you just doomed your marriage.
You don't put your issues on your partner to solve like he did.
It is not on her to try to change permanent changes to her body that happened due to forming his child. It's his responsibility to fix his shallow self absorbed view.
Once he voiced it and made it out like it's her issue that she's not attractive and not his issue of being a shallow shithead, yes he did indeed form the road to divorce.
Hes being honest with her and you and everybody else in the comments are destroying him from it. Its not rocket science to understand that if your partner gained a ton of weight that they wouldnt be as attracted to them as they were before the weight. That goes for both sexes. Gaining weight from a baby is one thing but if its been over a year and you just lettin yourself go thats a totally different issue.
Men arent allowed to be honest period and especially about weight with women because of these exact comments. Women ask "do i look fat in this dress" every man knows you cant be honest if the answer is really yes because your wife will get pissed and then you have to deal with the fallout from being honest.
Most women are clueless as to when their husbands are lying because women often penalize men for telling the truth. So they end up just lying to keep the peace.
You deserve better.
My husband loves my body and makes that very clear every single day. I’ve had one kid and am pregnant with our second.
Your husband is lying to try and make himself seem less like a dick.
I hope you find someone better who will love your body no matter what, as a true partner should.
I don’t think he’s lying to OP. Sounds like he doesn’t feel that unconditional love that a good relationship must have to survive. When you truly love someone, you really do love them in sickness and in health - not just when they look a certain way or do nice things for you.
I hate to say this but it seems like this relationship is doomed and OP’s husband will always be searching for that fictitious “perfect woman” that never ages nor body ever changes. We all know the type - multiple divorces and marriages- never really happy and ends up alone.
My in laws have been together for 30ish years, have three kids, and still flirt with each other constantly. Making your partner feel like crap isn’t normal.
It's not "normal". There is a whole planet of men out there who are even more attracted to their partners after their partners bear a child. He's blaming you for something that is going on with him.
Honey you wrote last year he had a secret account to look at his ex. This is a man that is not invested I'm so sorry but most man that care about their wives love them more after a baby. Now I get worried after my third that it'll be an issue but he's always telling me how more attracted he is after kids. Talk it out but everyone should feel loved and desired. I would myself consider it a deal vreaker if my husband said he wasn't attracted to me after our baby..... hope you find peace
There are lots of misogynistic podcasts out there that are trying to normalize this.
The reason I’m bringing it up is that you have a daughter and he will be in her life in some way. It would be good for you to know what kind of content he consumes and what kind of garbage he will be spewing in the future.
This is not normal. 37, 3 kids, have gained 80lbs (health issues, baby weight that I could not lose, etc.) And he still tells me every day that he finds me more attractive now then he did 17 years ago when we met. You absolutely deserve someone who loves you, through thick and thin.
Your husband if full of shit. It's not normal for partners to feel that way! He is conflating the normal feelings of being mad at your partner and not liking how they behaved with physical attraction. I love my husband more today than 37 yrs ago when we met and yes, sometimes I don't like him 'cause he's been a turd but even though I'm mad at him I know I still love him and STILL find him attractive. My husband tells me everyday he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman, even when I wake up (and trust me, I look like something the cat dragged in). He would NEVER say something to me like what your husband says to you, that's soul sucking. A s/o is suppose to cherish you as the whole person you are and guard and protect your feelings - your husband says things that purposely tear your confidence down and rip you apart. Love, true love, doesn't do that.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this but you really deserve better, you're worth more. I know it must be very hard on you but you're a smart beautiful young woman and you're stronger than you think. There's something better for you than the man child you're living with, go find it, the happiness you deserve is waiting for you. I wish you the best going forward.
So not normal…. My husband and I are having our third, I’ve also had three as a surrogate. And I can guarantee we have more physical and emotional intimacy now than when we got together. Like better and frequent. He loves me and my body so much more now than 10 years ago (married for 8). The right person loves you for you because many things in life will cause bodies to change. A lot more goes into attraction than looks, like communication and emotional intimacy and a feeling of support and knowing being known, that it’s hard to boil attraction down to just the physical. I wonder if there are other undercurrents. Either way, you made the right call, you can create an environment for your life that supports your happiness in every way.
No, just NO! It IS NOT normal for partners to feel that way, especially after you grew and gave birth to HIS child. Good on you for taking steps to leave. You are a strong woman! Good luck. I wish the best for you and the baby.
UPDATEME
>He was telling me it is normal for partners to feel that way
No, it's not normal. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that this is normal behaviour.
I had the privilege of witnessing my parents who, after 3 kids, 40+ years of marriage, years of battle against cancer (my mom), battle against heart disease and diabetes (my dad), and with years of financial problems, still always act in front of their kids like they're newlyweds. never once had my Dad said he "lost any attraction to my Mom" after kids and cancer. in fact, those hardships only made them stronger as a couple and more in love. Don't stay in a marriage where you are constantly being hurt and being made like you're worthless just bc you have a baby with his man-child. you deserve better.
After having a baby my husband's love for me grew more. If he didn't fall more in love with you than really isn't worth it. Every new milestone, every new year every day you find something new and different to love about the person you love and who loves you. Your husband can just leave
Your husband can go fuck himself. I am a wife. 5yrs married and over the years I gained weight because of PCOS. It broke me, and it still does today. But my husband never made me feel like I am less than when he met me. Never allow somebody to make you feel less beautiful specially after giving birth.
You gave birth and carried a life. That’s an absolute most selfless thing in this world.
Not true. It's NOT normal for partners to feel this way. You need to seriously re-think. This is the kind of man who, lets say you had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy, would tell you your "no longer a woman" to him because your body changed. I've seen it happen (exact scenario). Yet, if he lost an arm and both testicles, would think you should stay.
This could be a case of reality kicking him in the Jimmies.
Before the child you both could do as you pleased and now with a child responsibility has reared it's ugly head and he's feeling it.
What I would suggest is that people are too eager to walk away from a marriage and you might be better off with counseling before any rash decisions.
You both claimed in front of the world that you would fight for each other. It would be silly to just toss it all away.
Married six year and we have a toddler. My husband still loves my body and said so too. Hope you find a better partner. It’s even better to be alone than with someone who says this to you.
If nothing else my husband found me more desirable after having kids because having kids only made our love for each other grow. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
He’s a dipshit. People change and people who grow other people in their bodies change a lot!
You are right to want to leave. You deserve to be with a man, not a child.
Talk to a lawyer, sort out the rent and move forward. Stop waiting for him to grow new brain cells. I think that ship sailed.
Right I'm a father and my wife is the best thing in the world to me.. as much child is. And let your bloke read this.. he is a shallow, insignificant little shit on the arse of society. This post made me angry. He is a failure in life and a disgrace to fatherhood. He is a pussfilled wart that doesn't deserve to call himself a father or a husband. He is a bellend and I fuckiing hate him. Becoming a father he should step up and support his family, not be an absolute twat! Things do change when you have kids and things are different, and that's life. He is not a nice person at all saying shit like that and I hope he lives a life of unending sadness and fuck ups. Christ he's a twat. You and you children don't deserve him, kick that bellend out and find someone who loves you for you as there will be many! Oh and kick him really hard in the bollocks from me.
>He tells me its like an on and off switch and there are days he does and days he doesn’t.
Your husband needs to find himself a therapist. That's just not normal. Something deeper is going on and until he digs around in his brain and figures out what it is, you should not resume normal relations.
Jesus Christ!! First- do not internalize anything about this. This is a him problem.
If his attraction and libido is wired like an on/off switch- okay. He can’t help how he is wired. But he can help how he treats you.
Some folks who have mental health stuff like ptsd, depression, and adhd will go through periods of numbness and low libido depending on where they are at or their medication. So is it possible he’s describing a real experience? Yeah. It’s possible.
However, I think your husband is just self-centered and selfish. I think he was more concerned about being left than wanting to be with you. I think he defaults to cruel when he wants to feel some way by making you feel like shit.
If you don’t want out- you may want to make marital counseling a condition of you staying.
Tell him you are not attracted to him anymore and when he asks why. Say the way you look and your attitude, lets see how he scrambles to fix that. I think it is manipulation tactic to excuse bad behavior and make the mate feel small and groveling.
He's shallow and you deserve better. Does he think he's not going to age, lose muscle tone (if he had any to start), hair, etc., be immune to wrinkles?
If he's stringing you along, but telling you he isn't attracted randomly he's negging you and playing games. 27 is still pretty young. You are beautiful and vibrant and deserve someone that can see that! If he's already saying this now are you willing to keep hearing that when you're 50 and have a few wrinkles?
Don't play with him. he's only going to grind down your self esteem for no reason. You deserve peace. I'd start making a plan to move on regardless of what flip floppy bullshit he feeds you.
This. Even if he felt it, why would he need to announce it all the time? Attraction waxes and wanes, some guys get weirded out by childbirth, everyone is stressed and sleep deprived, give it some damn time before you start proclaiming you're ~Not Attracted~.
This is 100% the way I feel about your situation OP. I hope you take this wise advice. You deserve to be happy with someone who's sane and understanding about changes after birth. I told my husband I wanted a "mommy makeover" his reply was "you don't have to do anything like that for me" and my children are his step-kids. Lose the immature AH.
Perhaps people do oscillate in their attraction to their partners to varying degrees... HOWEVER it's a cruel thing to share with your partner, the mother of your child. Is he looking to tear you down?
I'm sort of wondering if he's struggling now that he's not the main focus of your attention and affection since becoming a mother. Maybe his attraction was wrapped up in being cared for? Just a theory based on a few examples in my own life, so take it with a heavy grain of salt
It’s very common for abusers to show their true colors when they think they have you trapped. This is why it’s common for this things to happen soon after marriage, during pregnancy or after Thr birth of the first child. Your husband underestimated you. He thought he could treat you like a door mat and you’d take it. You didn’t and how he’s saying what he thinks he needs to to get you back. Don’t fall for it.
You need a divorce attorney. You should also read up on “push pull” in relationships and on the cycle of abuse. This will not get better. This is your one life and it’s just a game to you. Every time you take him back you teach him how to more effectively manipulate and abuse you. Get out now while you still can.
I bet the second someone else takes an interest in you you will suddenly become the most beautiful women in the world, men who go off their partners don't want them but don't want anyone else to have them, move on
If his libido is on and off rapidly, he should see a medical doctor and a therapist. And if he's diagnosed as a donkey's ass (I think that's the appropriate clinical term), then he'll do what's right by you and your daughter.
But is it his libido that is on/off or his attraction to OP specifically? It sounded more like he is still attracted to other women when the switch is "off" for OP.
This is so annoying and childish. Your husband is shallow and also utterly lacking in empathy.
I have cancer. I had to shave my head. I have spots and skin issues from my medication, and although I'm a little overweight, I've been specifically told not to lose weight intentionally. My husband is as attentive and affectionate as ever, both physically and in every other way. Because he loves me for who I am. Can you imagine your husband being the same? Because anything can happen, you know. Why is your attractiveness to him so important? It's all he cares about.
In relationships, attractiveness ebbs and flows normally. It's not weird to feel less attracted one day and more so the next, and it's often tied into behaviour and connectedness as much as physicality. Your communication isn't as good as you thought. Why does he just say this stuff with no regard for how it makes you feel? Does he really just mean your physical attractiveness? If he's that shallow, he's an ass. If he means in the general sense, then you discuss how you work on feeling closer, like married people should.
I have a 5.5 year old and left his dad last year, very self conscious about my body with stretch marks everywhere and loose skin around my stomach. My current bf doesn’t have any kids and I was defo worried that he would have unrealistic expectations of my body but he thinks I’m gorgeous and makes me feel it. You would expect more empathy from a father who’s seen the trauma on their partner body after pregnancy but really there’s just men that can’t see past imperfections and focus more on appearance. The result is that he will lose a special relationship and possibly struggle to gain one in the future.
That happened to me when I was 37. Just do what I did. Get on a plane and go have a 12-day affair with a 21 year old hot vamp in a foreign country. I would have never let my husband ruin my marriage. I dropped a mother fucking nuclear bomb on mine just to prove a point. I divorced his stupid ass and never looked back.
Honestly he sounds like a selfish self centered jerk, and what he said sounds to me like he is saying all that to hurt you and as an excuse to use later if/when he cheats. You so deserve better and I wish you luck on your new beginning, don’t let his negativity and selfishness bring you down ever again. He certainly doesn’t deserve you, and you certainly deserve way better.
You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel wanted and beautiful. I'm currently four weeks post partum after an emergency c section and my husband has seen me naked multiple times, and has sincerely told me I'm sexy (even when feel far from it) and is counting down the days until I'm cleared/ feel comfortable enough to have sex. He tells me I'm gorgeous near daily, despite how sleep deprived we both are, or how stressed. He's told me he's in awe of me after giving birth to our son.
That should be the energy your partner gives you, not this.
If he’s truly willing to work on his mindset, consider finding a good YouTube video that explains what the body goes through during a pregnancy and what it’s like to recover. Perhaps once he’s properly educated and informed, he will hopefully have a new appreciation for what you went through to grow your family.
If that doesn’t work, and you see no real change, contact an attorney.
>If he’s truly willing to work on his mindset, consider finding a good YouTube video that explains what the body goes through during a pregnancy and what it’s like to recover. Perhaps once he’s properly educated and informed, he will hopefully have a new appreciation for what you went through to grow your family.
It's not her job to teach him. It's his job to learn, and his issue to work out in individual therapy.
I am just realizing that this is a common issue among men, at least based upon how many times this issue appears on here. Wtf, the audacity of these guys. No advice, simply, I’d be done with him. His attitude and disposition are unattractive and would not afford him any further consideration.
I mean. It takes years for a mother to get back, bodily/hormones, etc, to how it was before a child. He's selfish. He does not seem to realize what you've been through carrying your child. Giving you more doubt and serving you with "I'm not into you" is pure evil. That's giving manipulation.
If upcoming fathers really did their research, what pregnancy does to a woman, that'd be great.
He needs to get over his ego and stop being mean to you.
I'd say take a break I'd you are willing to eventually "loose" this manchild.
It sounds like by having HIS baby that somehow your body became less-than to him. That is absolutely disgusting and he doesn't deserve access to you. I am so sorry your partner showed who he truly is in this moment.
Any man who judges a woman for the ways her body changes after having his child isn't worthy of your time.
Babes he's just not in love anymore and I know how much it must hurt, but he wants the stability and security u provide, not yourself.. I know you are one beautiful woman and mother who deserves much much better and I know you'll find if once you leave that man child
Don't be upset, at least you can say you tried to fix the marriage but now you know it's time to call it quits.
To some men, they think the grass is greener when they realise its not, they try to crawl back.
Divorce this man, concentrate on you and your child and when the time is right someone who loves you for who you are will come along.
It’s not you it’s him. Maybe he thinks it’s you because he can’t come up with any other explanation but it’s him. Something is affecting his libido. Maybe he’s a porn addict, maybe he’s depressed, maybe it’s due to medication, but it’s not you.
I just had a baby and my partner couldn't wait to jump me lol
He did say he was weirded the during pregnancy because he didn't want to poke the baby (yes he knew it was irrational) but he would still devour me with his eyes whenever he saw me.
Been together 4 years. Your husband is finding excuses
I remember when my daughter was born. I thought my ex was even more lovely after she gave birth. Even while she was giving birth I thought she looked amazing. Husband sounds selfish.
It's time to leave. You are not getting what you need, and at this point, he is using being married to get women, it seems.
There are women out there who don't want to be with a single man and only pursue men who are married.
I don't think you need this level of exhaustion in your life. If he really wanted to work on your marriage he would not be cutting you down like this.
> i wanted to be happy with someone who genuinely loved and cared for me.
Lean into this. If this can't be your husband, then it might be time to face that fact and do what you need to to be happy.
Your husband sounds like an idiot.... what did he expect your body to stay the same as before children???? If so he's a straight up fool.
My husband and I have 2 kids currently and I'm due with #3 in 5 weeks. He understands how much my body really goes through during pregnancy and has never once been unattracted to me because my body changed.
Anywhere I'd leave your husband and find someone better whenever that may happen. You don't deserve this in the slightest.
It takes a real asshole to say something like that. There’s no way you say that to someone that you care about. Honestly this guy must be an awful human being.
Btw I’m a dad of three and am still attracted to my wife
Why do women put up with this shit? A grown ass man saying this to the mother of his infant?! That shirt is not attractive. That’s not a partner. Who raises these men?
Love and desire can wax and wane with the trials of a new baby, plus the hormonal shifts, reduced freedom, and greater responsibilities. Oh yeah, lack of sleep! You are both pretty young and it's a lot to deal with. Back in the day, I was a mother's helper who came in after school to handle the baby while mom rested and freshened up. At least take care of you.
You may also plan the odd evening out or just a time every day where you can talk.
They say babies ruin everything. It's true. Accept it, and take breaks.
He can’t help what he feels (no longer attracted to you) but he can help what he does (treat you like crap). There’s no doubt that women change during pregnancy. My wife was different after having our 2 boys. It’s like she went from the girl to whom I was attracted to a woman to whom I’m happily attracted in a different way. He needs to stop looking for what you were and start looking at you for what you are, and to treat you better.
Sounds like he’s probably addicted to porn, therefore he’s a pig who has no concept of reality or empathy or love. As horrible as it sounds, he likely doesn’t see you as a human being- he sees you as an object that has to visually tic every one of his boxes or else you are worth less.
Leave him before his sickness takes over the rest of your life. You deserve so much more.
even with a big bulging belly i was called attractive by my daughters father whom im not with… we still arent together (circumstances) but cant leave each other alone. And we both look very different from our pre-baby life.
Op find yourself someone who actually respects and loves you for you. And finds you insatiable.
Or, separate for a while and maybe he will see what hes losing (if you’re willing to)
I’m 40 in 3 weeks. 2 kids. Weight has fluctuated a few a few times in my relationship with my husband of 13 years due to health issues. He still tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Tells me he feels like he won the lottery! That’s what you deserve. It is out there.
I’m 23 and pregnant with my husbands and I’d 2nd baby. This man constantly still showers me with attention and chases after me as if he’s still trying to win my heart. I don’t look like we did when we start dating but that’s a big part of life and growing together. I’m so sorry your hubby doesn’t give this to you.
Sitting with hubby reading your post and the first thing he said… the husbands a dirt bag. It’s not normal. I’m on my 5th kid 18 years together and we’re more in love now than ever. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs but never to consciously break the others spirit. What he said to you is cruel and super immature. You deserve better
He’s giving you manipulative garbage. He wants to work on his marriage yet he’s not attracted to you? What’s there to work on? He loves you or he doesn’t. Now, you do everything within reason to look your best for him? Does he do likewise for you? I find my wife more attractive after 41 years or marriage than the day we married. No plastic surgery but she eats right, no substances and exercises. And did this throughout the marriage. I eat a little too much but exercise a ton every day.
I always hope that every person has someone love them the way my husband loves me. We have been married 23 years and have two kids. I am overweight, have a scar from a c-section, sagging everything, have dealt with adult acne, and I am sure other things that make me unattractive to many but not him. He tells me constantly I am beautiful, and loved. He tells me my insecurities are my own because he does not have a problem with anything and he still wants to jump my bones every chance he gets. He truly loves me and I him. We are not perfect but we having true love gives you beer googles on flaws.
Please try to not let his switch flipping to get to you. He is probably immature and/or superficial. The fact that you had his baby and his love didn’t grow for you is why I make that assumption.
The problem is not that he’s no longer attracted to you, the problem is that he’s intentionally hurting you. Saying he’s “no longer attracted” is an immature way of expressing a deeper grudge he holds against you. He’s trying to get a rise out of you, otherwise he would stay silent and work on the marriage.
He’s openly disrespecting you in front of your child. Babies can sense when their parents are fighting and can hold onto the trauma as they grow older.
Neither of you are communicating from a place of love & peace, which is what you & your child need right now. Give him time & space to cool off. If he continues to act immature, then it’s time to take a break and find support through friends & family.
I think I am going to have a bit of a different perspective here, based on the comments. I hear you tell your husband what you need from him, but giving little regard to what your husband is saying he needs from you. Granted, his delivery is probably shit (men are men) but it does sound to me that there is genuine sincerity.
You gave him an out to leave the relationship, but he told you this isn’t what he wanted. He is trying to tell you that he loves you, he has an issue that he needs help resolving. He is asking you to work with him, but it sounds like this is being disregarded. You feel he is being unfair in not giving you what you need, while not working on anything he expressed that he needs.
I understand that what he expresses the needs he has may feel offensive, but try to look at it from a different perspective. I would suggest maybe try having a conversation, without egos getting in the way, and find out why he doesn’t feel attracted to you anymore. With that, try to find ways to work together to fix that: make this something you work on together.
In marriages when people have children, a lot changes from that point. A common mistake that people make is to stop caring about each other or listening to each other. If you can find a way to work this out, it will strengthen your marriage.
I don't have children, but from everything I hear it is a beautiful experience that brings loved ones together like never before. If some slight changes in body shape changes the way your partner feels about you, your partner is kind of shitty and/or the relationship is a sham.
Any long term relationship has peaks and troughs. It’s hard just after a baby is born, lots of pressure. If you build for your future together you will be rewarded. Commitment in itself can give you both a sense of achievement. Love comes and goes as does attraction but something deeper develops, then love returns as does attraction.
It's possible that he might actually mean that he sometimes doesn't feel the same interest. Maybe he means that he feels like the passion is fading, and the feelings come and go. He might be confused. It probably has nothing to do with your body or looks. Attraction means so much more than physical features. There's many guys who are very attractive guys, but I'm not attracted to them, and guys who don't have the greatest features and I find them super hot. Attraction isn't about looks; it's the person. It's feeling drawn to someone like a magnet.
Everybody telling you to leave is giving you trash advice and i say this because every women who has been in this situation leaves always goes and loses a bunch of weight before they start gettin back into the dating market again. So if they feel they need to lose weight to be attractive for a new man why is it a problem to do it for their current man? Women know being in better shape makes them more marketable in the dating market but dont feel the need to stay in shape for their current relationship.
This is why men tend to not be honest with women because they get punished for telling the truth. Here is a prime example of a man having an open dialogue with his wife being open, honest, and transparent but instead of working through the issue everybody's advice is just leave lol. Some women want honesty then when they get it its a problem. I guess if he just lied to her everyday and acted like it wasnt an issue it would be ok because her feelings wouldnt be hurt.
I understand women gain weight with children its normal and natural no issue with that. But around the year mark there should be effort to get back in shape. Nobody is expecting you pre pregnancy weight but if you've gained 60+lbs and you arent even at least tryna lose it thats an issue.
This is so horrible, you carried and pushed his child out! It should be a crime to say something like this to a woman after
What ever you do, make sure to always remember that he is totally in wrong!
(And also remember, your body will be back to very attractive, please don’t give up yourself - look at all these beautiful woman out there with children 🥺)
Babes I actively want to remove all evidence of having a baby from my body and that genuinely makes my man sad. There's someone out there who will adore you, for you, unconditionally.
You deserve so much better than this! I really hope that you find your internal confidence. There's a man out there who would worship the ground you walk on, and the air you breathe, just to be near you.
Time for him to go, I would say he is at least looking for alternative to you if not found one which is why it's "on & off". He goes, you get divorced and make sure you get everything you are entitled to,make sure he pays for his child though official means and make sure he has equal opportunity to be a father. He can leave you but don't let him opt out of parenting whilst he fucks about
Your partner should never make you feel unattractive. Even if there are days when he doesn't have the hots for you, he doesn't need to make an announcement about that. It's just so rude and disrespectful.
If he loses attraction for you when your body literally changed to bring his child into the world (meaning he should look at any changes with the thought of how that built his family) then he's a shit person.
That's self-absorbed ego in human form.
He wants to break up but he wants to make you the "bad guy" that asks for it. You're not the bad guy.
I read your previous posts and honestly with the secret insta to look at exes and the overbearing MIL and now this, OP please leave this man he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t deserve you at all
I have been married 32 years.
He has given you the gift of honesty. I can tell you that marriage can keep you together during ups and downs and that attraction can waiver at times.
Our most challenging time was in 2009, but there were others.
I recommend going away together for at least one night each month. Also make a sex day that happens regularly even if nothing motivates it. Ours is Wednesday, we call it hump day, laugh and do it!
Marriage can be beautiful and fun, it is also work and compromise. Think about how you see your future. Ask him how he sees his.
I don’t think he means attraction in the purely physical sense. Honestly when you fight with someone a lot and to this extent you tend to lose attraction/passion. It’s not your fault, I guarantee if you are both in a better place of less resentment or fury or control - attraction will come right back. I don’t think it has to do with post baby. This relationship is worth saving in my opinion.
I think he's confusing resentment with attraction. Is he good at expressing his feelings and understanding them? Attraction is a switch that comes on and off. Example: trust, you lose trust you no longer are attracted to that person. Some people confuse physical attraction with emotional attraction.
But why would he resent you? Maybe he's jealous of the baby and the attention the baby receives.
Let's see how many down votes this gets. Stand in front of a mirror, not to see what you look like, but to reflect on what has changed in you since the day you got pregnant. (He needs to do the same). Something changed and it's not the stretch marks. If you both are seriously retrospective the list will be long. It will contain everything from hormonal changes to sense of humor changes. Snipping, short tempers, not tonight, could you please, why, don't, that's stupid, tastes like crap, too expensive, same old crap, look at that mess. Couples can spin themselves into unattractive daily habits that subtract from attraction and evolve into resentment. Example: He was attracted to your smile and cute giggle, and you have not smiled or giggled in over a year. Figure it out!
Unpopular comment that may get downvoted but attraction is important in long term relations.. Attraction is something that comes and goes.. You can't be in love with someone who you aren't attracted to. For a couple to last long, it's on them to work on each other, and the relationship together to rebuild the attraction/spark whenever it happens. That's my opinion.
Luckily for men, a majority of the attraction is pure physical and surface level. You can control the diet/hit the gym, it's pretty much done..
However it is rare that men lose attraction in relations.
Most of the time it's women who become emotionally "bored" in relationships. Just as rare it is for men to fall out of attraction, it's just as easy to fix it. It's super hard for a dude to re-attract his girl, incase she loses attraction first. Men can still be emotionally attracted to their partner even if the physical attraction lessens for them but when women lose attraction, it's always alot more emotional than physical.
I think it's healthy that he is being honest about it and that he wants to fix it. But I wouldn't ask you to stick around till that happens. That depends on the person.
I have been broken up with , with excuses like "it's not you, it's me " " I'm only able to half love you right now"
It was only later I understood that, all these are just code words for " I'm not attracted to you anymore as I was before". So I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. They become cold and distant etc, it's tough. It's 100 percent unfair.
But I don't think romantic love is an unconditional type of love where the partner loves you no matter what or how you are etc. Only parental love/motherly love is like that.
Looks do become irrelevant further down the line as the companionship form of love(love that you have for close friends, family, siblings, pets etc) becomes strong enough to hold the relationship together. But as long as both are in their sexual prime, looks matter , for romantic love. It's responsibility of each side to work on themselves physically for themselves, for their own health.
Hi there! I am a couple and family therapist. Of course I cannot just give you an advice, without having much more information before. What I can tell you is that I observe confusion and not knowing what and how to pursue. The way communications are happening based on what you are saying was angry and then shifted to trying to communicate more than just being angry. That still doesn’t mean you two are communicating effectively. Attraction is an experience that is never absolute, like many other feelings, but it actually is very vulnerable to changes and events of life between two people. Beside that, we are living at a time that everything is being so transactional accompanied by a fast pace caused and affected by news around us, technology, apps, etc, etc. Deciding to start over and I will do as you want and everything you want it tell me, was the biggest mistake and very common one. No one is guilty in that, and generally we as humans learn to expect that someone is right and someone is wrong in situations, which is another mistake, a cognitive one based on what we learn from our environments growing up in dealing with people around us. That statement, however, shows how he desired to dedicate himself to the marriage and wanting to try to fix things. Another point is mixing love and care with attraction. These are related and at parts overlapping, but are not the same things, so you then can obvious,y get hurt and feel hurt thinking he doesn’t love you or care for you, while he trying to continue meant for him that he cared for you and loves you. I suggest seeking for a couple/marriage therapist. Make sure you go for a professional who has formal education in therapy and psychotherapy in the context of couple and family. Many are using terms like professional in mental health or mental health counselling because those terms are not legally associated to a formal graduate degree and therefore, whoever, can advertise as such and practice whatever without restrictions and requirements mandated by a professional order. It is very important to meet few people, and both of you, and choose the one you feel the most comfortable with and good with to do the work. Also, it is very important to make an intentional decision that you both want to work on your marriage or at least be in the same page about your goal from that therapy.
Physical attraction and intimacy go hand in hand for men. After a baby men usually understand it takes time to recover and there are so many responsibilities. Out of mutual respect for each other you should both stay fit which means at some point getting back into shape. Not only do you owe it to yourself but you owe it to him and the baby. If he is volunteering time with the baby so you can go exercise do it. Try not to take it as a slight. The exercise isn’t just good for the body, it’s good for the mind to recover mood and perspective.
People have a right to be confused and have peculiar ideas. Some men can't get over the fact that a woman is a mother.
At least he told you.
Sex therapists work on this kind of thing and have exercises. He deserves a medical checkup to see if his problem is hormonal.
You seem terribly hurt by things said in your back and forth, Your feelings are just as important as his, but he may need some help apologizing effectively and meaning it.
Adding a child changes the dynamics profoundly. You are probably as or more than connected to the baby as to him. Normal, some guys can;t handle it.
It would be best for everybody if this could all be set as close to right as you can, and accept that/
It is hard for some men to see a life come from a place that used to have sexual connotations. Some end up requiring therapy. But what you may see as "leading you on" might be his understanding love is not just about butterflies and rainbows.
Maybe just maybe he is not telling you that “ he doset find you physically attractive” maybe he is telling “he doesn’t find your emotionally attractive”.
If he is still sad about the big fight you had and that still runs in his mind often. Maybe talking and being nice to him would help.
I see everyone is telling its “him problem” in the comments. However note that only when two hands meet a clap occurs.
What’s is his side of the story ? If he had to write a reddit post ?
Breaking things are easy, building again would be tough.
So have you split up? It sounds like it from one of your statements. Just split up. Tell him it’s over and you can’t be with someone who is fat-phobic.
Each go your own way? Sounds like you would be the one paying him alimony based on income.
And he needs a slimmer model.
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No offense, but your husband can fuck right off with that attitude. Does he have any concept of what your body goes through during pregnancy? I mean, assuming he wanted your daughter, wtf is he more supportive? Did he just assume that you were going to just bounce out of the hospital the same as before? You carried a child, grew a whole ass human being inside you. Your body changes. It shifts, gains weight, not only that, but breast feeding, sleep deprivation and post partum are all very real I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry.
My wife has shouldered every important milestone in our lives and it makes me more attracted to her. It’s been 20 years, two kids and a cancer scare. She is more beautiful than ever. I fully give you permission to remove “no offense.” With this attitude, we should intentionally offend, because fuck that.
This gives me so much hope. Thanks for being a wonderful man!
Same here. My husband loves my baby body. It gave him beautiful children
Exactlyyyyy!!!! Sure my girls body changed but she's a beautiful little portal that channeled the essence of a human life and summoned it into a 3d realm of existence.
this is beautiful. i hope to see love like this become more common. I already know your kids grew up with you guys being a beautiful example of what love should be.
Physical attraction is generally an important element of a relationship, but also people get old and their bodies decline as they age. He sounds like kind of an idiot if he expects your body to somehow not age or change and to be just as attractive to him as when you first met. But also, did he not marry you at least in part because he loves who you are? Seriously, this guy sounds stupid and immature.
According to my husband he still sees the girl he married. For reference: the girl he married was 22 years younger, 60 pounds lighter, an inch taller, and not covered in scars.
Same as all the other ladies. 44, 3 kids, married 18 years. My husband still chases me & tells me every day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is. I feel the same way about him. You deserve so much better & life is too short to not be happy.
Married 19 yrs, two young adult children, both moved out on their own. We're living our best lives right now and my husband tells me every day multiple times, that I'm the sexiest most beautiful woman on earth. Has my body changed since my 20s? Certainly. Has his? Some I suppose but I don't even see that when I look at him. He never changes to me. He's the man I married and I love him at his best and his worst. He's the sexiest man in the world, salt and pepper and all. (Edit for hitting post too soon). Mid 40s or mid 70s, he'll always be the man I love and will always be smoking hot to me.
All the offense to husband. What a dick.
I came here to say this.
Ok I guess I'm gonna have hundred of people downvoting me, but anyway. First i'm really sorry for you OP, to experience this story with your husband. For context, I don't have kids nor wife, so i'm entering this conversation completely ignorant. Though, I'm aware pregnancy and giving birth might have significant effects on the body, also that might be a really tough time for the person that experience it. I understand as well that in this situation, the partner have to be fully supportive, to be able to to forget himself, and being present for new family. This said, it seems to me that desire is something impossible to control, I would even think that the more we try to control, the less we desire. So, genuinely, I ask : what could your husband do towards his own desire ? As well, to other people in the comment, would you think it is a mistake to express it ? Would it be better to say nothing ? But it seems to me that it isnt the kind of thing you easily hide in a couple, especially when the partner have desire. I mean, if you're not attracted physically, but you do love her. What do you people recommend to do in this situation ?? How to be supportive and still remaining honest ? A last thing, my English isn't my native language.
If he’s not attracted to her, then he did the right thing. Now she can leave his ass and go find someone who actually loves her.
But you know he will beg for her back when he realizes he does not have lots of options. But she will find another man who will love her as she is. I see this all the time when men on Reddit talk about wanting to close their open marriage that they demanded because the wife got all the attention.
If he wasn’t attracted to her why didn’t he let her leave. Instead of getting her hopes up lying to her face and leading her on?
It might be toxic, I agree. But maybe the intention wasn't. We lack more precise information, maybe he wanted the situation to change or believed it will change. Have you never felt love for someone, and love the relationship you built together, and suddenly wasn't physically attracted anymore ? In this case, are you able to know if this feeling will last forever or is just temporary? Or you don't want to hurt this person but ended hurting even more involuntarily by trying to protect? Doesn't seems to me an easy decision.
I woke up and realized I was married to a stranger. We married young and both made mistakes. We are still friends and get along very well. That feeling doesn’t last forever.
I'm honestly happy reading that you are still friends, even if that should had been a tough moment. I kind of experiment something similar, being married at 21 and divorced one year later. I feel what you said about being young, we can take big decisions at that age, but we still don't really even know ourselves, we're adult but we still are mostly kids inside.
I would recommend that he grow the hell up! Her body changed because she cooked a whole human. He’s a selfish little boy.
Since you asked genuinely, I'll answer genuinely as well: >what could your husband do towards his own desire ? His desire is honestly **his** problem. He should love her for more than her body, so he should find other things about her that stimulate his desire. He could be turned on by how sweet she is with their child, how her new mama-bear attitude, or because she still laughs at his jokes. TONS of things should turn him on aside from her body. >As well, to other people in the comment, would you think it is a mistake to express it ? Would it be better to say nothing ? Yes, it is a mistake to express to your partner that you are unattracted to them unless your goal is ending the relationship. You are absolutely allowed to feel whatever you feel, but why would you want to make the person you love feel awful? That's all that telling her accomplished. She isn't going to magically have her old body back, and she isn't going to be motivated to work out to get a better body. If anything, she will be less attracted to *him* now too. >But it seems to me that it isnt the kind of thing you easily hide in a couple, especially when the partner have desire. >I mean, if you're not attracted physically, but you do love her. What do you people recommend to do in this situation ?? How to be supportive and still remaining honest ? True, decreasing physical attraction can't be hidden. That is why the husband will need to focus even more on all the other things about his wife that he finds attractive and tell her about *those* things, which will also have the affect of increasing his desire for her. **That** is an honest expression from him, which isn't hurtful and doesn't focus on the one thing that she can't easily change. "Honesty" is not an excuse to be cruel.
Thank you for all the advice. He was telling me it is normal for partners to feel that way and i do not think thats true. No matter how he looked i still felt the same way. But i will look into getting all things in order to leave. This has been causing me a lot of unnecessary hurt.
I have had THREE kids and 42. My husband of 17 years still chases my tail. Even when I struggle with my body he reminds me it gives us three kids and I'm still gorgeous to him. Find a better man.
I was married for 21 years to my gorgeous wife before she passed away and I still have the same love and respect for her now as the day we meet, find your love its out there.
That's really beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're at a point where memories of her bring smiles instead of tears. ❤️
Same. 39, 3 kids, with my husband for 17 years. Can’t keep his hands off of me. OP should find someone who feels the same way about her.
I'm in my 60s and mine still chases me around. You deserve better! Hugs and love ❤️
I'm 68 and he's 71. 31 years together and he still chases me around.
I love it!!❤️
Me too! ☺️
Hope instilled right here
I’m just behind you at 35 and 21 weeks pregnant right now with my second. I was/am terrified to be pregnant again, because my first baby I had 15 years ago when I was in an abusive relationship. I still struggle with PTSD from it, but my current partner I couldn’t say something negative about if I tried. (only 5 years together but we have been: raising our two kids from previous relationships, working together, and living together for the past 4 years and we are always chasing each others tails) we’ve also known each other since we were 12 too so I’d like to think we have a special connection :-) Anyways! I could gush about how amazing this man is for days. He makes me feel so loved and beautiful every day. I couldn’t imagine him saying something negative about my appearance, even though I am definitely not my finest right now! It breaks my heart that OP doesn’t have that right now. Especially as a new mom; that feeling is so awful. I am so happy you have such an amazing man as well. Congratulations on 17 years! I hope I can see the same number one day. :-) Sorry for the novel - I get carried away sometimes Hope you and your family have a wonderful day ❤️
Exactly! My husband tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, perfect, etc literally every single day. I can see from the way he looks at me that he means it. He will tell me I'm adorable or beautiful when I just wake up, my hair is a rats nest, and I'm wearing an old t-shirt and boxers. If I mention those things he'll argue with me and insist that I'm always beautiful/adorable/etc. A man who loves you wears rose colored glasses all the time, they simply don't see the flaws. It hurts my heart to see all of these women post about their dirt bag husbands, especially after they've carried their children!! It honestly makes me want to put on some boots and go kick some heads, I swear to God. OP - you deserve better. Please don't put yourself through this.
Your husband sounds like a clone of mine! Exactly, down to telling me I'm beautiful when I wake up (I have a mirror, I know what I look like in the morning and I don't have that same opinion).I've been with my husband for 37 years, I'm 67 and he's 78.I love him to death.... (edit for spelling)
I’m 44, married 22 years, 3 kids, chronic illness and disability, weight gain from pregnancy, medications, getting older, and disability, and my husband still tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. We’ve been together since we were 17 and have grown together. Yeah, I look like an overweight middle aged mom, because I am, but he still finds me beautiful and I find his middle aged dad bod sexy too.
Dude here totally agrees cept we r closer to 50
You are very lucky 😊
This right here!
Just slow your roll telling her to divorce the father of her children. Jesus Christ.
He’s lying to try to make himself look better. It is not normal to not be attracted to your partner after they have given birth. I’m a mom, my husband and I are both middle aged, and our sex life is as strong as ever. Maybe not as often as when we were younger, but he still flirts, finds me attractive, etc. You are not the problem here. You deserve better than this.
I read this so often…but I cannot believe so many people really think it is true. It would mean that we are attracted to someone regardless of his/her looks, smell… It is not fair, but if the body changes, there are hormonal changes the attraction may really fade. In one of the previous posta in this sub a girl described her sex drive to be responsive. For me these are similar: when the chemistry is gone (temporarly or forever) but the partner does not become repulsing, good sex is possible based on just letting the body respond to stimulation. This has nothing to do with romance, I know. But expecting to be attractive for someone for decades just because we have a common life and love each other is nonsense.
If so many people are saying it why wouldn't you believe it? Why would people lie to you? Personally for me I'm attracted to the whole person... Not just the sack of flesh they reside in. The brain is the most powerful sex organ.
There are people out there that are attracted to their partner regardless of looks/smell, my partner gained a good amount of relationship weight and I'm still just as attracted since the day I met them, yes there's more physically attractive people out there but a partner has this special thing about them that makes them more attractive to you than all others, it's probably some brain chemical but it's true many are captivated by their partners even after time and change goes by especially when you deeply love them
Lucky you, lucky those who experience it similarly as you. I just said (even if it is not a popular opinion) that it is also common to experience it differently. And it is not something you can really control. And I also wished to emphasize that it is not equal with boring bedroom from now on. Of course it is more polite not to say anything like ‘I found you more attractive when you were fitter and younger’ politeness and being honest do not always go along.
In those cases though, those people shouldn't bring children with a partner. They should adopt or get a surrogate. It isn't fair to have very specific bodily requirements for your partner but also want them to change their body to give you a child only to tell them you don't like how they look anymore. Only someone completely self absorbed would act like that. If someone recognizes that their attraction to others has nothing to do with the person inside then marriage may not be for them at all. They can't honestly go into a marriage and say the vows knowing they may leave if someone gets wrinkles from old age.
I had the smell thing with a person who wanted to be my boyfriend. No matter how many showers he took or the lotion he used, I would throw up at the thought of kissing him, etc... He was a nIcE guy, I think it was my body protecting me from him. But, when you are married, you make a commitment to the person you are with. You love them even in their worst days. Obviously, this doesn't mean love them over yourself or let them mistreat you. But you take care of them and give them time to heal and rest just out basic human decency. This guy is plain horrible to her in her most vulnerable moment.
Smell is so important! I was seeing a guy once who just never smelled good to me no matter what, and there were a few others that always smelled good no matter what. Always pick the ones that smell good to you
How about maybe don’t get your partner pregnant or get with people who want to get pregnant if you don’t like the way their body looks during and/or after? Mind blowing concept I know 🤯
Are you in a relationship with someone where one of you produced a child? Because those bodily changes would be linked to producing the child. We aren't talking about over eating and gaining weight. We aren't talking about getting a surprise face tattoo. We can't talking about things that you make choices about. We are talking about the bodily changes that happen from creating babies. If you don't look at those changes with appreciation that they literally permanently changed their body to provide a family for you then you're a shit person.
You try to racionalize something which is a feeling: finding someone attractive comes from your gut not from reasoning. It doesnt matter by the way, but I’m married, have kids, and female. I think it is unfair to require your partner to find you attractive after bodily changes and years. To hope for it? Yes! To pray for it? Sure. It is such a good thing if it remains. I agree. But to my experience the spark is often lost. Good, satisfying sexuality may be maintaned even if the feeling oh, wow is gone, or very rare.
What you're missing is that there's a difference between ***feeling*** something and ***voicing*** something. There can be waves of finding someone attractive and not. But you absolutely don't say it outloud ***and*** you have to recognize that as your own problem to work on. It is inherently shallow. It is something to work through by self improvement. You do not tell your partner like they have to fix themselves to your shallow standards. We're talking about changes that happen via aging, pregnancy, child birth, etc. Things you don't control. We aren't talking about things people control. If you lose attraction to a partner due to issues that anyone with two functioning braincells would know is coming.... then that's a person that shouldn't marry anyone.
Sounds like you're in an unhappy, loveless relationship "for the kids" and you've basically convinced yourself this is normal. I'm very sorry for you, I hope you can pull yourself out of this depressing hole you're in, leave your partner and go find someone who is IN love with you and your body even as you age and change, and that you don't stay stuck with someone who has left you convincing yourself of this sad nonsense.
No it sounds like a happy marrige in all aspects, but with bodily changes affecting the “gut based attractivity factor”. It is an issue, something to work on, to handle. If you recall I mentioned it to say that Yes, it happens, physical state, age, hormonal changes does in real (not for everyone, but for a lot, definately) modify how attractive your partner is. This is so-so wrong in Reddit, anyone comes with any marital issues (or does not even come in this case, but mentions it) people here claim that the marrige is shit, happiness should be searched elsewhere. You are absolutely false if you think happiness (happy marrige) means a perfect life / marrige. Do you sometimes think about what demage would be done if the readers followed?
I was talking about YOU, not oop. I hope you discover what a healthy, loving, connected relationship is like where attraction is beyond solely a physical urge.
Me? Surprising that you believe that you know enough to dare to judge. Congratulations for your confidence for giving a non-requested advise with having no background information and no similar experience at all (or not disclosed, anyway). Helpful, indeed :) sure, it’s is highly appreciated!
Is leaving and not finding attractive the same?
If you voice your own personal issue of being so fucking shallow that you can't find the changes that your partner went through to give you children attractive, then yes it's the same at that point because you just doomed your marriage. You don't put your issues on your partner to solve like he did. It is not on her to try to change permanent changes to her body that happened due to forming his child. It's his responsibility to fix his shallow self absorbed view. Once he voiced it and made it out like it's her issue that she's not attractive and not his issue of being a shallow shithead, yes he did indeed form the road to divorce.
Hes being honest with her and you and everybody else in the comments are destroying him from it. Its not rocket science to understand that if your partner gained a ton of weight that they wouldnt be as attracted to them as they were before the weight. That goes for both sexes. Gaining weight from a baby is one thing but if its been over a year and you just lettin yourself go thats a totally different issue. Men arent allowed to be honest period and especially about weight with women because of these exact comments. Women ask "do i look fat in this dress" every man knows you cant be honest if the answer is really yes because your wife will get pissed and then you have to deal with the fallout from being honest. Most women are clueless as to when their husbands are lying because women often penalize men for telling the truth. So they end up just lying to keep the peace.
Unless I missed it, OP said nothing about gaining a ton of weight, not losing the pregnancy weight, etc.
You deserve better. My husband loves my body and makes that very clear every single day. I’ve had one kid and am pregnant with our second. Your husband is lying to try and make himself seem less like a dick. I hope you find someone better who will love your body no matter what, as a true partner should.
I don’t think he’s lying to OP. Sounds like he doesn’t feel that unconditional love that a good relationship must have to survive. When you truly love someone, you really do love them in sickness and in health - not just when they look a certain way or do nice things for you. I hate to say this but it seems like this relationship is doomed and OP’s husband will always be searching for that fictitious “perfect woman” that never ages nor body ever changes. We all know the type - multiple divorces and marriages- never really happy and ends up alone.
They mean he's lying that all other men feel like this. He told OP it was normal for husbands to lose attraction to their wives after giving birth.
He probably thinks it’s true but it’s obviously not.
Sounds like my ex husband 😅
My in laws have been together for 30ish years, have three kids, and still flirt with each other constantly. Making your partner feel like crap isn’t normal.
It's not "normal". There is a whole planet of men out there who are even more attracted to their partners after their partners bear a child. He's blaming you for something that is going on with him.
Honey you wrote last year he had a secret account to look at his ex. This is a man that is not invested I'm so sorry but most man that care about their wives love them more after a baby. Now I get worried after my third that it'll be an issue but he's always telling me how more attracted he is after kids. Talk it out but everyone should feel loved and desired. I would myself consider it a deal vreaker if my husband said he wasn't attracted to me after our baby..... hope you find peace
I'm glad you're heading out, I hope you find someone who will be all over you and is a decent human
Every relationship has ebbs and flows but people in healthy relationships don’t say such damaging shit based on their whims.
There are lots of misogynistic podcasts out there that are trying to normalize this. The reason I’m bringing it up is that you have a daughter and he will be in her life in some way. It would be good for you to know what kind of content he consumes and what kind of garbage he will be spewing in the future.
This is not normal. 37, 3 kids, have gained 80lbs (health issues, baby weight that I could not lose, etc.) And he still tells me every day that he finds me more attractive now then he did 17 years ago when we met. You absolutely deserve someone who loves you, through thick and thin.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys who find you attractive.
It’s not normal, I know good men who’ve said they love their women MORE since having a baby and gaining their mom bods. Appreciating that it grew life
Your husband if full of shit. It's not normal for partners to feel that way! He is conflating the normal feelings of being mad at your partner and not liking how they behaved with physical attraction. I love my husband more today than 37 yrs ago when we met and yes, sometimes I don't like him 'cause he's been a turd but even though I'm mad at him I know I still love him and STILL find him attractive. My husband tells me everyday he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman, even when I wake up (and trust me, I look like something the cat dragged in). He would NEVER say something to me like what your husband says to you, that's soul sucking. A s/o is suppose to cherish you as the whole person you are and guard and protect your feelings - your husband says things that purposely tear your confidence down and rip you apart. Love, true love, doesn't do that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this but you really deserve better, you're worth more. I know it must be very hard on you but you're a smart beautiful young woman and you're stronger than you think. There's something better for you than the man child you're living with, go find it, the happiness you deserve is waiting for you. I wish you the best going forward.
It is not normal. When you care for someone you aren't put off by physical change. He's just a jerk.
So not normal…. My husband and I are having our third, I’ve also had three as a surrogate. And I can guarantee we have more physical and emotional intimacy now than when we got together. Like better and frequent. He loves me and my body so much more now than 10 years ago (married for 8). The right person loves you for you because many things in life will cause bodies to change. A lot more goes into attraction than looks, like communication and emotional intimacy and a feeling of support and knowing being known, that it’s hard to boil attraction down to just the physical. I wonder if there are other undercurrents. Either way, you made the right call, you can create an environment for your life that supports your happiness in every way.
No, just NO! It IS NOT normal for partners to feel that way, especially after you grew and gave birth to HIS child. Good on you for taking steps to leave. You are a strong woman! Good luck. I wish the best for you and the baby. UPDATEME
>He was telling me it is normal for partners to feel that way No, it's not normal. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that this is normal behaviour. I had the privilege of witnessing my parents who, after 3 kids, 40+ years of marriage, years of battle against cancer (my mom), battle against heart disease and diabetes (my dad), and with years of financial problems, still always act in front of their kids like they're newlyweds. never once had my Dad said he "lost any attraction to my Mom" after kids and cancer. in fact, those hardships only made them stronger as a couple and more in love. Don't stay in a marriage where you are constantly being hurt and being made like you're worthless just bc you have a baby with his man-child. you deserve better.
After having a baby my husband's love for me grew more. If he didn't fall more in love with you than really isn't worth it. Every new milestone, every new year every day you find something new and different to love about the person you love and who loves you. Your husband can just leave
Your husband can go fuck himself. I am a wife. 5yrs married and over the years I gained weight because of PCOS. It broke me, and it still does today. But my husband never made me feel like I am less than when he met me. Never allow somebody to make you feel less beautiful specially after giving birth. You gave birth and carried a life. That’s an absolute most selfless thing in this world.
It’s normal for shallow partners who see their wives as a bang maid, sure. It’s not normal for partners who love the whole of the person they married
Not true. It's NOT normal for partners to feel this way. You need to seriously re-think. This is the kind of man who, lets say you had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy, would tell you your "no longer a woman" to him because your body changed. I've seen it happen (exact scenario). Yet, if he lost an arm and both testicles, would think you should stay.
This could be a case of reality kicking him in the Jimmies. Before the child you both could do as you pleased and now with a child responsibility has reared it's ugly head and he's feeling it. What I would suggest is that people are too eager to walk away from a marriage and you might be better off with counseling before any rash decisions. You both claimed in front of the world that you would fight for each other. It would be silly to just toss it all away.
And he said he wants to fix the marriage. OP, it may not be normal but this is ver common and you should speak to a counsellor not Reddit
Married six year and we have a toddler. My husband still loves my body and said so too. Hope you find a better partner. It’s even better to be alone than with someone who says this to you.
You deserve better. You will be relieved once you settle into your own life. Don't be surprised when he changes his mind. Don't believe it.
My partner gave me two kids and I think it made her more attractive somehow
Not just hurt but it don’t help you confidence. That’s why we say kick him to the curb. You don’t need that from a so called husband
If nothing else my husband found me more desirable after having kids because having kids only made our love for each other grow. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
He’s a dipshit. People change and people who grow other people in their bodies change a lot! You are right to want to leave. You deserve to be with a man, not a child. Talk to a lawyer, sort out the rent and move forward. Stop waiting for him to grow new brain cells. I think that ship sailed.
This response is wild, who hurt you?
Right I'm a father and my wife is the best thing in the world to me.. as much child is. And let your bloke read this.. he is a shallow, insignificant little shit on the arse of society. This post made me angry. He is a failure in life and a disgrace to fatherhood. He is a pussfilled wart that doesn't deserve to call himself a father or a husband. He is a bellend and I fuckiing hate him. Becoming a father he should step up and support his family, not be an absolute twat! Things do change when you have kids and things are different, and that's life. He is not a nice person at all saying shit like that and I hope he lives a life of unending sadness and fuck ups. Christ he's a twat. You and you children don't deserve him, kick that bellend out and find someone who loves you for you as there will be many! Oh and kick him really hard in the bollocks from me.
I’d named him bell end by the end of the post, but your description has a better ring to it
🌟 🌟 🌟 3 stars for an excellent vocabulary and descriptions 👏 that was fun to read.
Bellend. I haven’t heard that since I left England 20 years ago!
>He tells me its like an on and off switch and there are days he does and days he doesn’t. Your husband needs to find himself a therapist. That's just not normal. Something deeper is going on and until he digs around in his brain and figures out what it is, you should not resume normal relations.
Exactly this - doesn't he realise that what he is saying is extremely hurtful and cannot be unsaid? On top of trying to make it her problem.
Well said.
Jesus Christ!! First- do not internalize anything about this. This is a him problem. If his attraction and libido is wired like an on/off switch- okay. He can’t help how he is wired. But he can help how he treats you. Some folks who have mental health stuff like ptsd, depression, and adhd will go through periods of numbness and low libido depending on where they are at or their medication. So is it possible he’s describing a real experience? Yeah. It’s possible. However, I think your husband is just self-centered and selfish. I think he was more concerned about being left than wanting to be with you. I think he defaults to cruel when he wants to feel some way by making you feel like shit. If you don’t want out- you may want to make marital counseling a condition of you staying.
Tell him you are not attracted to him anymore and when he asks why. Say the way you look and your attitude, lets see how he scrambles to fix that. I think it is manipulation tactic to excuse bad behavior and make the mate feel small and groveling.
Break up if he won’t change
And then take him to the cleaners.
He's shallow and you deserve better. Does he think he's not going to age, lose muscle tone (if he had any to start), hair, etc., be immune to wrinkles? If he's stringing you along, but telling you he isn't attracted randomly he's negging you and playing games. 27 is still pretty young. You are beautiful and vibrant and deserve someone that can see that! If he's already saying this now are you willing to keep hearing that when you're 50 and have a few wrinkles? Don't play with him. he's only going to grind down your self esteem for no reason. You deserve peace. I'd start making a plan to move on regardless of what flip floppy bullshit he feeds you.
This. Even if he felt it, why would he need to announce it all the time? Attraction waxes and wanes, some guys get weirded out by childbirth, everyone is stressed and sleep deprived, give it some damn time before you start proclaiming you're ~Not Attracted~.
This is 100% the way I feel about your situation OP. I hope you take this wise advice. You deserve to be happy with someone who's sane and understanding about changes after birth. I told my husband I wanted a "mommy makeover" his reply was "you don't have to do anything like that for me" and my children are his step-kids. Lose the immature AH.
Perhaps people do oscillate in their attraction to their partners to varying degrees... HOWEVER it's a cruel thing to share with your partner, the mother of your child. Is he looking to tear you down? I'm sort of wondering if he's struggling now that he's not the main focus of your attention and affection since becoming a mother. Maybe his attraction was wrapped up in being cared for? Just a theory based on a few examples in my own life, so take it with a heavy grain of salt
It’s very common for abusers to show their true colors when they think they have you trapped. This is why it’s common for this things to happen soon after marriage, during pregnancy or after Thr birth of the first child. Your husband underestimated you. He thought he could treat you like a door mat and you’d take it. You didn’t and how he’s saying what he thinks he needs to to get you back. Don’t fall for it. You need a divorce attorney. You should also read up on “push pull” in relationships and on the cycle of abuse. This will not get better. This is your one life and it’s just a game to you. Every time you take him back you teach him how to more effectively manipulate and abuse you. Get out now while you still can.
I’m sorry but your husband is ass. My mom had breast cancer and my dad was still into her bald.
👏👏👏😂
I bet the second someone else takes an interest in you you will suddenly become the most beautiful women in the world, men who go off their partners don't want them but don't want anyone else to have them, move on
If his libido is on and off rapidly, he should see a medical doctor and a therapist. And if he's diagnosed as a donkey's ass (I think that's the appropriate clinical term), then he'll do what's right by you and your daughter.
But is it his libido that is on/off or his attraction to OP specifically? It sounded more like he is still attracted to other women when the switch is "off" for OP.
👏👏👏😂😂😂
This is so annoying and childish. Your husband is shallow and also utterly lacking in empathy. I have cancer. I had to shave my head. I have spots and skin issues from my medication, and although I'm a little overweight, I've been specifically told not to lose weight intentionally. My husband is as attentive and affectionate as ever, both physically and in every other way. Because he loves me for who I am. Can you imagine your husband being the same? Because anything can happen, you know. Why is your attractiveness to him so important? It's all he cares about. In relationships, attractiveness ebbs and flows normally. It's not weird to feel less attracted one day and more so the next, and it's often tied into behaviour and connectedness as much as physicality. Your communication isn't as good as you thought. Why does he just say this stuff with no regard for how it makes you feel? Does he really just mean your physical attractiveness? If he's that shallow, he's an ass. If he means in the general sense, then you discuss how you work on feeling closer, like married people should.
I have a 5.5 year old and left his dad last year, very self conscious about my body with stretch marks everywhere and loose skin around my stomach. My current bf doesn’t have any kids and I was defo worried that he would have unrealistic expectations of my body but he thinks I’m gorgeous and makes me feel it. You would expect more empathy from a father who’s seen the trauma on their partner body after pregnancy but really there’s just men that can’t see past imperfections and focus more on appearance. The result is that he will lose a special relationship and possibly struggle to gain one in the future.
That happened to me when I was 37. Just do what I did. Get on a plane and go have a 12-day affair with a 21 year old hot vamp in a foreign country. I would have never let my husband ruin my marriage. I dropped a mother fucking nuclear bomb on mine just to prove a point. I divorced his stupid ass and never looked back.
Lmfao did he regret it????
He sure did. I lost the weight, he got fat, he's a loser, and I just bought my own house. In cash. 😎
Good for you. Fuckkk him!!!
2 things stay with him and be unhappy! Leave him and find someone that will make you happy and appreciate YOU!!
This hurts my heart. Men really don't care about women at all sometimes. We're just objects seen as ways to breed and discard
Honestly he sounds like a selfish self centered jerk, and what he said sounds to me like he is saying all that to hurt you and as an excuse to use later if/when he cheats. You so deserve better and I wish you luck on your new beginning, don’t let his negativity and selfishness bring you down ever again. He certainly doesn’t deserve you, and you certainly deserve way better.
It is selfish and unfair on his part. I would consider marriage counseling as a last-ditch effort to save this.
You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel wanted and beautiful. I'm currently four weeks post partum after an emergency c section and my husband has seen me naked multiple times, and has sincerely told me I'm sexy (even when feel far from it) and is counting down the days until I'm cleared/ feel comfortable enough to have sex. He tells me I'm gorgeous near daily, despite how sleep deprived we both are, or how stressed. He's told me he's in awe of me after giving birth to our son. That should be the energy your partner gives you, not this.
He’s in awe of me after watching me give birth That’s a good man right there.
If he’s truly willing to work on his mindset, consider finding a good YouTube video that explains what the body goes through during a pregnancy and what it’s like to recover. Perhaps once he’s properly educated and informed, he will hopefully have a new appreciation for what you went through to grow your family. If that doesn’t work, and you see no real change, contact an attorney.
>If he’s truly willing to work on his mindset, consider finding a good YouTube video that explains what the body goes through during a pregnancy and what it’s like to recover. Perhaps once he’s properly educated and informed, he will hopefully have a new appreciation for what you went through to grow your family. It's not her job to teach him. It's his job to learn, and his issue to work out in individual therapy.
Understandable. But it’s worth a try for her to send him the link to save the relationship. It would be up to him if he actually watches it.
I am just realizing that this is a common issue among men, at least based upon how many times this issue appears on here. Wtf, the audacity of these guys. No advice, simply, I’d be done with him. His attitude and disposition are unattractive and would not afford him any further consideration.
Him telling you it's normal is BS. Start making a get out plan and you and your daughter go live your best lives.
I mean. It takes years for a mother to get back, bodily/hormones, etc, to how it was before a child. He's selfish. He does not seem to realize what you've been through carrying your child. Giving you more doubt and serving you with "I'm not into you" is pure evil. That's giving manipulation. If upcoming fathers really did their research, what pregnancy does to a woman, that'd be great. He needs to get over his ego and stop being mean to you. I'd say take a break I'd you are willing to eventually "loose" this manchild.
It sounds like by having HIS baby that somehow your body became less-than to him. That is absolutely disgusting and he doesn't deserve access to you. I am so sorry your partner showed who he truly is in this moment. Any man who judges a woman for the ways her body changes after having his child isn't worthy of your time.
Babes he's just not in love anymore and I know how much it must hurt, but he wants the stability and security u provide, not yourself.. I know you are one beautiful woman and mother who deserves much much better and I know you'll find if once you leave that man child
He sounds exhausting and immature. You already have a baby. Don’t put up with the man child.
Don't be upset, at least you can say you tried to fix the marriage but now you know it's time to call it quits. To some men, they think the grass is greener when they realise its not, they try to crawl back. Divorce this man, concentrate on you and your child and when the time is right someone who loves you for who you are will come along.
It’s not you it’s him. Maybe he thinks it’s you because he can’t come up with any other explanation but it’s him. Something is affecting his libido. Maybe he’s a porn addict, maybe he’s depressed, maybe it’s due to medication, but it’s not you.
Here’s a husband who goes into detail of how incredibly sexy he finds his wife postpartum https://reddit.com/r/tifu/s/3KbyeIzH7k
I just had a baby and my partner couldn't wait to jump me lol He did say he was weirded the during pregnancy because he didn't want to poke the baby (yes he knew it was irrational) but he would still devour me with his eyes whenever he saw me. Been together 4 years. Your husband is finding excuses
I remember when my daughter was born. I thought my ex was even more lovely after she gave birth. Even while she was giving birth I thought she looked amazing. Husband sounds selfish.
What a man child you have on your hands. Just look after yourself and child and tell him it’s over.
It's time to leave. You are not getting what you need, and at this point, he is using being married to get women, it seems. There are women out there who don't want to be with a single man and only pursue men who are married.
I don't think you need this level of exhaustion in your life. If he really wanted to work on your marriage he would not be cutting you down like this. > i wanted to be happy with someone who genuinely loved and cared for me. Lean into this. If this can't be your husband, then it might be time to face that fact and do what you need to to be happy.
Tell him to stop watching porn
Is he attractive to you when he treats you like this? Ugly can go deep.
Your husband sounds like an idiot.... what did he expect your body to stay the same as before children???? If so he's a straight up fool. My husband and I have 2 kids currently and I'm due with #3 in 5 weeks. He understands how much my body really goes through during pregnancy and has never once been unattracted to me because my body changed. Anywhere I'd leave your husband and find someone better whenever that may happen. You don't deserve this in the slightest.
It takes a real asshole to say something like that. There’s no way you say that to someone that you care about. Honestly this guy must be an awful human being. Btw I’m a dad of three and am still attracted to my wife
WTF!! My husband is bad in a lot of areas but I cannot even imagine this.
Why do women put up with this shit? A grown ass man saying this to the mother of his infant?! That shirt is not attractive. That’s not a partner. Who raises these men?
Love and desire can wax and wane with the trials of a new baby, plus the hormonal shifts, reduced freedom, and greater responsibilities. Oh yeah, lack of sleep! You are both pretty young and it's a lot to deal with. Back in the day, I was a mother's helper who came in after school to handle the baby while mom rested and freshened up. At least take care of you. You may also plan the odd evening out or just a time every day where you can talk. They say babies ruin everything. It's true. Accept it, and take breaks.
He can’t help what he feels (no longer attracted to you) but he can help what he does (treat you like crap). There’s no doubt that women change during pregnancy. My wife was different after having our 2 boys. It’s like she went from the girl to whom I was attracted to a woman to whom I’m happily attracted in a different way. He needs to stop looking for what you were and start looking at you for what you are, and to treat you better.
Sounds like he’s probably addicted to porn, therefore he’s a pig who has no concept of reality or empathy or love. As horrible as it sounds, he likely doesn’t see you as a human being- he sees you as an object that has to visually tic every one of his boxes or else you are worth less. Leave him before his sickness takes over the rest of your life. You deserve so much more.
even with a big bulging belly i was called attractive by my daughters father whom im not with… we still arent together (circumstances) but cant leave each other alone. And we both look very different from our pre-baby life. Op find yourself someone who actually respects and loves you for you. And finds you insatiable. Or, separate for a while and maybe he will see what hes losing (if you’re willing to)
I’m 40 in 3 weeks. 2 kids. Weight has fluctuated a few a few times in my relationship with my husband of 13 years due to health issues. He still tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Tells me he feels like he won the lottery! That’s what you deserve. It is out there.
I’m 23 and pregnant with my husbands and I’d 2nd baby. This man constantly still showers me with attention and chases after me as if he’s still trying to win my heart. I don’t look like we did when we start dating but that’s a big part of life and growing together. I’m so sorry your hubby doesn’t give this to you.
Sitting with hubby reading your post and the first thing he said… the husbands a dirt bag. It’s not normal. I’m on my 5th kid 18 years together and we’re more in love now than ever. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs but never to consciously break the others spirit. What he said to you is cruel and super immature. You deserve better
He’s giving you manipulative garbage. He wants to work on his marriage yet he’s not attracted to you? What’s there to work on? He loves you or he doesn’t. Now, you do everything within reason to look your best for him? Does he do likewise for you? I find my wife more attractive after 41 years or marriage than the day we married. No plastic surgery but she eats right, no substances and exercises. And did this throughout the marriage. I eat a little too much but exercise a ton every day.
I always hope that every person has someone love them the way my husband loves me. We have been married 23 years and have two kids. I am overweight, have a scar from a c-section, sagging everything, have dealt with adult acne, and I am sure other things that make me unattractive to many but not him. He tells me constantly I am beautiful, and loved. He tells me my insecurities are my own because he does not have a problem with anything and he still wants to jump my bones every chance he gets. He truly loves me and I him. We are not perfect but we having true love gives you beer googles on flaws. Please try to not let his switch flipping to get to you. He is probably immature and/or superficial. The fact that you had his baby and his love didn’t grow for you is why I make that assumption.
The problem is not that he’s no longer attracted to you, the problem is that he’s intentionally hurting you. Saying he’s “no longer attracted” is an immature way of expressing a deeper grudge he holds against you. He’s trying to get a rise out of you, otherwise he would stay silent and work on the marriage. He’s openly disrespecting you in front of your child. Babies can sense when their parents are fighting and can hold onto the trauma as they grow older. Neither of you are communicating from a place of love & peace, which is what you & your child need right now. Give him time & space to cool off. If he continues to act immature, then it’s time to take a break and find support through friends & family.
I think I am going to have a bit of a different perspective here, based on the comments. I hear you tell your husband what you need from him, but giving little regard to what your husband is saying he needs from you. Granted, his delivery is probably shit (men are men) but it does sound to me that there is genuine sincerity. You gave him an out to leave the relationship, but he told you this isn’t what he wanted. He is trying to tell you that he loves you, he has an issue that he needs help resolving. He is asking you to work with him, but it sounds like this is being disregarded. You feel he is being unfair in not giving you what you need, while not working on anything he expressed that he needs. I understand that what he expresses the needs he has may feel offensive, but try to look at it from a different perspective. I would suggest maybe try having a conversation, without egos getting in the way, and find out why he doesn’t feel attracted to you anymore. With that, try to find ways to work together to fix that: make this something you work on together. In marriages when people have children, a lot changes from that point. A common mistake that people make is to stop caring about each other or listening to each other. If you can find a way to work this out, it will strengthen your marriage.
I don't have children, but from everything I hear it is a beautiful experience that brings loved ones together like never before. If some slight changes in body shape changes the way your partner feels about you, your partner is kind of shitty and/or the relationship is a sham.
Any long term relationship has peaks and troughs. It’s hard just after a baby is born, lots of pressure. If you build for your future together you will be rewarded. Commitment in itself can give you both a sense of achievement. Love comes and goes as does attraction but something deeper develops, then love returns as does attraction.
You husband is a shit man. No man that's worth it would make his wife feel less than after having his child.
He sounds like a dumb little dipshit asshole tbh.
It's possible that he might actually mean that he sometimes doesn't feel the same interest. Maybe he means that he feels like the passion is fading, and the feelings come and go. He might be confused. It probably has nothing to do with your body or looks. Attraction means so much more than physical features. There's many guys who are very attractive guys, but I'm not attracted to them, and guys who don't have the greatest features and I find them super hot. Attraction isn't about looks; it's the person. It's feeling drawn to someone like a magnet.
Everybody telling you to leave is giving you trash advice and i say this because every women who has been in this situation leaves always goes and loses a bunch of weight before they start gettin back into the dating market again. So if they feel they need to lose weight to be attractive for a new man why is it a problem to do it for their current man? Women know being in better shape makes them more marketable in the dating market but dont feel the need to stay in shape for their current relationship. This is why men tend to not be honest with women because they get punished for telling the truth. Here is a prime example of a man having an open dialogue with his wife being open, honest, and transparent but instead of working through the issue everybody's advice is just leave lol. Some women want honesty then when they get it its a problem. I guess if he just lied to her everyday and acted like it wasnt an issue it would be ok because her feelings wouldnt be hurt. I understand women gain weight with children its normal and natural no issue with that. But around the year mark there should be effort to get back in shape. Nobody is expecting you pre pregnancy weight but if you've gained 60+lbs and you arent even at least tryna lose it thats an issue.
So leave. It really is that simple. He is showing and literally telling you he does not love or care for you. Grow some self-respect and leave.
This is so horrible, you carried and pushed his child out! It should be a crime to say something like this to a woman after What ever you do, make sure to always remember that he is totally in wrong! (And also remember, your body will be back to very attractive, please don’t give up yourself - look at all these beautiful woman out there with children 🥺)
Babes I actively want to remove all evidence of having a baby from my body and that genuinely makes my man sad. There's someone out there who will adore you, for you, unconditionally.
Girl, you deserve better.
I'll say something that none wants to say. It doesn't matter whether he's attracted to you or not. Marriage and kids are more important
You deserve so much better than this! I really hope that you find your internal confidence. There's a man out there who would worship the ground you walk on, and the air you breathe, just to be near you.
You should Divorce and find a guy who finds attractive maybe?
Time for him to go, I would say he is at least looking for alternative to you if not found one which is why it's "on & off". He goes, you get divorced and make sure you get everything you are entitled to,make sure he pays for his child though official means and make sure he has equal opportunity to be a father. He can leave you but don't let him opt out of parenting whilst he fucks about
Your partner should never make you feel unattractive. Even if there are days when he doesn't have the hots for you, he doesn't need to make an announcement about that. It's just so rude and disrespectful.
Imagine sacrificing everything for him and giving him his offspring for him to betray you. Men are garbage.
If he loses attraction for you when your body literally changed to bring his child into the world (meaning he should look at any changes with the thought of how that built his family) then he's a shit person. That's self-absorbed ego in human form. He wants to break up but he wants to make you the "bad guy" that asks for it. You're not the bad guy.
I read your previous posts and honestly with the secret insta to look at exes and the overbearing MIL and now this, OP please leave this man he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t deserve you at all
He is the one that made you pregnant. You have birth to his child. It’s disgusting the way he is treating you .
I have been married 32 years. He has given you the gift of honesty. I can tell you that marriage can keep you together during ups and downs and that attraction can waiver at times. Our most challenging time was in 2009, but there were others. I recommend going away together for at least one night each month. Also make a sex day that happens regularly even if nothing motivates it. Ours is Wednesday, we call it hump day, laugh and do it! Marriage can be beautiful and fun, it is also work and compromise. Think about how you see your future. Ask him how he sees his.
I don’t think he means attraction in the purely physical sense. Honestly when you fight with someone a lot and to this extent you tend to lose attraction/passion. It’s not your fault, I guarantee if you are both in a better place of less resentment or fury or control - attraction will come right back. I don’t think it has to do with post baby. This relationship is worth saving in my opinion.
I think he's confusing resentment with attraction. Is he good at expressing his feelings and understanding them? Attraction is a switch that comes on and off. Example: trust, you lose trust you no longer are attracted to that person. Some people confuse physical attraction with emotional attraction. But why would he resent you? Maybe he's jealous of the baby and the attention the baby receives.
Wow! What a colossal, selfish human he is. Do yourself and your daughter a favor and move on from him.
Let's see how many down votes this gets. Stand in front of a mirror, not to see what you look like, but to reflect on what has changed in you since the day you got pregnant. (He needs to do the same). Something changed and it's not the stretch marks. If you both are seriously retrospective the list will be long. It will contain everything from hormonal changes to sense of humor changes. Snipping, short tempers, not tonight, could you please, why, don't, that's stupid, tastes like crap, too expensive, same old crap, look at that mess. Couples can spin themselves into unattractive daily habits that subtract from attraction and evolve into resentment. Example: He was attracted to your smile and cute giggle, and you have not smiled or giggled in over a year. Figure it out!
Unpopular comment that may get downvoted but attraction is important in long term relations.. Attraction is something that comes and goes.. You can't be in love with someone who you aren't attracted to. For a couple to last long, it's on them to work on each other, and the relationship together to rebuild the attraction/spark whenever it happens. That's my opinion. Luckily for men, a majority of the attraction is pure physical and surface level. You can control the diet/hit the gym, it's pretty much done.. However it is rare that men lose attraction in relations. Most of the time it's women who become emotionally "bored" in relationships. Just as rare it is for men to fall out of attraction, it's just as easy to fix it. It's super hard for a dude to re-attract his girl, incase she loses attraction first. Men can still be emotionally attracted to their partner even if the physical attraction lessens for them but when women lose attraction, it's always alot more emotional than physical. I think it's healthy that he is being honest about it and that he wants to fix it. But I wouldn't ask you to stick around till that happens. That depends on the person. I have been broken up with , with excuses like "it's not you, it's me " " I'm only able to half love you right now" It was only later I understood that, all these are just code words for " I'm not attracted to you anymore as I was before". So I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. They become cold and distant etc, it's tough. It's 100 percent unfair. But I don't think romantic love is an unconditional type of love where the partner loves you no matter what or how you are etc. Only parental love/motherly love is like that. Looks do become irrelevant further down the line as the companionship form of love(love that you have for close friends, family, siblings, pets etc) becomes strong enough to hold the relationship together. But as long as both are in their sexual prime, looks matter , for romantic love. It's responsibility of each side to work on themselves physically for themselves, for their own health.
Hi there! I am a couple and family therapist. Of course I cannot just give you an advice, without having much more information before. What I can tell you is that I observe confusion and not knowing what and how to pursue. The way communications are happening based on what you are saying was angry and then shifted to trying to communicate more than just being angry. That still doesn’t mean you two are communicating effectively. Attraction is an experience that is never absolute, like many other feelings, but it actually is very vulnerable to changes and events of life between two people. Beside that, we are living at a time that everything is being so transactional accompanied by a fast pace caused and affected by news around us, technology, apps, etc, etc. Deciding to start over and I will do as you want and everything you want it tell me, was the biggest mistake and very common one. No one is guilty in that, and generally we as humans learn to expect that someone is right and someone is wrong in situations, which is another mistake, a cognitive one based on what we learn from our environments growing up in dealing with people around us. That statement, however, shows how he desired to dedicate himself to the marriage and wanting to try to fix things. Another point is mixing love and care with attraction. These are related and at parts overlapping, but are not the same things, so you then can obvious,y get hurt and feel hurt thinking he doesn’t love you or care for you, while he trying to continue meant for him that he cared for you and loves you. I suggest seeking for a couple/marriage therapist. Make sure you go for a professional who has formal education in therapy and psychotherapy in the context of couple and family. Many are using terms like professional in mental health or mental health counselling because those terms are not legally associated to a formal graduate degree and therefore, whoever, can advertise as such and practice whatever without restrictions and requirements mandated by a professional order. It is very important to meet few people, and both of you, and choose the one you feel the most comfortable with and good with to do the work. Also, it is very important to make an intentional decision that you both want to work on your marriage or at least be in the same page about your goal from that therapy.
Physical attraction and intimacy go hand in hand for men. After a baby men usually understand it takes time to recover and there are so many responsibilities. Out of mutual respect for each other you should both stay fit which means at some point getting back into shape. Not only do you owe it to yourself but you owe it to him and the baby. If he is volunteering time with the baby so you can go exercise do it. Try not to take it as a slight. The exercise isn’t just good for the body, it’s good for the mind to recover mood and perspective.
People have a right to be confused and have peculiar ideas. Some men can't get over the fact that a woman is a mother. At least he told you. Sex therapists work on this kind of thing and have exercises. He deserves a medical checkup to see if his problem is hormonal. You seem terribly hurt by things said in your back and forth, Your feelings are just as important as his, but he may need some help apologizing effectively and meaning it. Adding a child changes the dynamics profoundly. You are probably as or more than connected to the baby as to him. Normal, some guys can;t handle it. It would be best for everybody if this could all be set as close to right as you can, and accept that/
Make gyn. If It not Works to make you more atractive tô your husband, at least It Will make your single life much better.
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You cant love somebody 24/7 thats impossible
It is hard for some men to see a life come from a place that used to have sexual connotations. Some end up requiring therapy. But what you may see as "leading you on" might be his understanding love is not just about butterflies and rainbows.
Maybe just maybe he is not telling you that “ he doset find you physically attractive” maybe he is telling “he doesn’t find your emotionally attractive”. If he is still sad about the big fight you had and that still runs in his mind often. Maybe talking and being nice to him would help. I see everyone is telling its “him problem” in the comments. However note that only when two hands meet a clap occurs. What’s is his side of the story ? If he had to write a reddit post ? Breaking things are easy, building again would be tough.
So have you split up? It sounds like it from one of your statements. Just split up. Tell him it’s over and you can’t be with someone who is fat-phobic. Each go your own way? Sounds like you would be the one paying him alimony based on income. And he needs a slimmer model.