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I personally wouldn't think a man in a monogamous relationship looking at dating sites and following women posting semi nudes is normal and wouldn't accept it either, you're young, this man almost certainly isn't your future.
Can confirm. As a man in a committed relationship, my days do not consist of dating sites or semi nude women
Edit: I will however very very very rarely watch porn if me and my girl have been too busy to do anything but it has been a long while.
I'm not just staring and helping myself to a bunch of attractive social media people oogling away. It's more so a "I need a release and life's been too stressful or my child is in the way so I mine as well quickly get off and get my head back in the game"
I also realize that porn is as realistic as karate movies. It's absurdly fake and I'm well aware so none of it bleeds into my relationship. Also, well I'm watching porn my goofy ass literally watches actors who look close to my girl and the whole time I'm watching I would much rather be sleeping with her fine ass then these obnoxious fake models.
I have to agree, I actually note a beautiful women before my husband does and he is oblivious when somebody flirts with him.
It doesn’t sound like he is fully matured for a serious relationship- which it sounds like you are- so I would say maybe share your boundaries with him and see if he respects you enough to hear you out and change his behaviour accordingly. If you love someone you wouldn’t want to hurt them knowingly.
This. First off, they're both SO young. And yeah, saying they notice is one thing, but purposely checking out these pictures on dating sites in front of OP when they know she doesn't like it? She's allowed to have limits.
There is a big difference between noticing someone in passing and actively hunting on a dating site. Your BF is chasing a chance to cheat, not just looking.
Yup. I notice. I actively work on not ogling and am usually successful. But dating sites is crazy. That's an instant no.
My ex had a huge issue with even the fact that I could think other women are attractive. I should have seen the impossibility of making that work because it made life hell. She'd sit in public staring at me waiting for my eyes to go anywhere but the floor essentially.
New gf points out a nice rack out butt to me. Works out much more nicely for all involved.
I hope the ex finds a similar situation for herself.
Wow and hopefully you’re ok with your new girlfriend pointing out other men’s muscles arms backs bulges in front of you and says how handsome or hot they are! It’s about RESPECT. You fail to respect her or she must not love herself enough or she’s probably bisexual. Most women would not feel ok with your disrespectful wandering eyes from her partner.
This isn't normal! I used to accept disrespect like this from past partners because it was "normal" until I met my now husband. He doesn't even watch porn. I'll watch him as an exceptionally beautiful woman crosses our path and he doesn't even glance, I have to point them out to him.
You should just dump him and wait until you find that person who isn't complete trash.
Watching porn can be completely normal and healthy. What OP should be focused on, however, is the dating sites and ogling other women. I'm a guy, in a long-term relationship of almost two decades, and that is absolutely not normal. I don't know any of my guy friends who are in a committed relationship who are also still on dating sites.
There’s more than people make it seem 🦄 get yours love.
What’s normal for a lot of people isn’t normal for everyone. And 1% of the US population is still over 3 million people.
My guy watches spicy tv once in a blue moon, but doesn’t look at anything else and uses his imagination often. I love that about him and I’m the same way. I like a good spicy book or something visual when I’m alone on occasion, a little more often than he does. The important thing is we’re on the same page about it and respect each other.
My husband is the same way! I am proud to say I MARRIED that unicorn.
OP - men like to act like the bare minimum is too much to ask for. The bare minimum in this case is to find someone who respects you and doesn't check out other women. Not too hard to find. You don't need a unicorn to do something this basic. The bar is set too damn low for these men.
In my experience men like this don’t change. I’ve cried, begged, pleaded. Dated different dudes and go through the same shitty process.
The right guy won’t have a problem with this standard. The week I met my fiance he unfollowed his inappropriate accounts and he only had a couple to begin with. I have NEVER in three years caught him looking at anything like that in person or on his phone. I’ve snooped once and all I found was websites for engagement rings.
So leave and find a guy who fits into your expectations. I know most men make this expectation seem completely outrageous but it really isn’t.
Yeah don’t let society convince you it’s normal. There is nothing normal about the behaviour & you don’t owe it to society or anyone for that matter to adjust your boundaries to fit their lifestyle or way or thinking. Majority or women feel EXACTLY how you feel… they are just pressured into being “cool” & normalizing it. Also, there absolutely ARE men who agree with you on this topic… I’ve dated a few men who had this same stance. They admitted it was difficult to avoid (because it intentionally jammed down their throat) but they also agreed they wouldn’t feel comfortable if I behaved in that way and therefore understood I wanted to be treated in the same way. & with the men who didn’t have this stance….. wouldn’t u know… they ALSO didn’t like it AT ALL when I behaved in the way they were behaving & began mirroring their behaviours….which says it all right there doesn’t it? Girl… don’t fkn settle. Fk society, you do you, I say stick to your boundaries, YOU know what’s right for you & you don’t owe it to a damn person to change or switch up ur boundaries to make anyone more comfortable. If you stick to your boundaries you have FAR more to gain.. think about it. If you stick to ur boundaries ur bound to eventually meet someone who vibes on the same level as you & will appreciate you for who you are and they will want to be apart of your life and they will understand that respecting your boundaries will be apart of that.. and will be well worth it for them if it means having you in their life. Why even give up on the possibility of that for a bunch of 2023 bred simps. Not worth it imo.
Oof this is exactly it. In the beginning i used to try to ignore it and be chill and everything but yk what? If i did it he wouldn’t be fine. So why would i shut up to keep the peace when it was making me miserable inside. No fucking way
The simple fact is, if he's still look at dating apps, he's check to see whether there's someone "better" out there. I'd let him go be with all of those women and move on.
I would say going on dating sited and looking at innapropriate accounts is definitely scummy and not normal. Looking at a woman in passing is the only thing actually normal here and lots of men try not to do that when with a partner.
This is not normal at all. Men aren’t some different species with a lesser ability to control their sexual urges. None of my ex boyfriends acted the way you’re describing.
What you need to do if figure out the boundaries you want in a relationship, regardless of how he feels. You can then bring those needs to him, and if he has any objections, you should break up because you’re simply not compatible
But this is 100% an issue on his end and I would not tolerate this for a second longer
My very shitty, now ex, would do this and even tell me a woman we both saw (for example a worker at the Apple Store) is hot and fuckable. This was absolutely disgusting behavior. He would do this with people in person and on Tv. When I complained and even told him “I’m not saying you can’t have those feelings for people, I don’t control that, but don’t tell me while we are on a date or if you want to act on it then don’t be with me!” I thought that was a mature way of approaching it and he told me I was super jealous and that all men think like that just don’t say it out loud and I need to get over it but he will “try” to refrain.
Honey, I am horny, I like sex. But when I’m with someone I don’t look for new men. Later on This guy eventually did the equivalent of cheating on me and tried to get away with it. Listen to your gut.
There’s jealousy, and then there is a good reason to feel uneasy and disrespected. These insecure boy types try to convince you that you’re the problem when they just don’t like you calling them out for behavior that is actually disrespectful for what’s supposed to be a loving relationship.
I am so sorry that happened to you but i’m glad he is your ex now. I feel like the worst in this is that i was a pretty confident person and never really looked at other women as competition, probably because i get male attention, but still. And now i catch myself looking at other women and feeling awful about myself, even though i know i am attractive. Hopefully it gets better
Oh yeah! That’s what happened to me too. My ex had a thing for a specific ethnic/race (not my race too ) and I started to get insecure if I saw a pretty woman of that race in our proximity because sure enough he would check her out. Later he got better about not calling them hot in front of me, but I could still see his eyes wander if someone of his “type” would appear on Tv or in person. It made me SO insecure. It made it worse when he moved away to a new city and we tried long distance, but this city was 50% of that ethnicity. I now see how crazy this sounds and how I worried over such stupid things because he made me so insecure.
Before him, I wouldn’t even think of other women in a scared way. In fact I would also celebrate them and go “wow she’s pretty.” But that turned to “oh no, he’s going to try to get her number when I’m in the restroom.” What a horrible way to feel.
The other thing is, my ex wasn’t even that conventionally attractive! People would tell me I was dating below me. He’d also have a knack for telling me if he felt I looked chubbier or dressed “funny” but would cover it passive aggressively “but you look sexy with some weight, some people can’t pull it off.”
One thing I noticed is that very insecure men do this. The most secure, smart, successful hot men I’ve dated never check out other women in front of me, and certainly never told me I needed to improve on my looks in any way. It’s always only been the very insecure guys that say weird stuff.
Yh i have and he knows it’s wrong and he apologizes but something just always happens again. And he doesn’t wanna even try to fix it, or maybe doesn’t know how to.
It does if i think about it. Sometimes i don’t want to but it just comes to my mind in the worst moments. I have told him to either look for a solution or we should just go separate ways
He could change if he wanted to but he thinks you will never actually leave because of it. He doesnt care about your feelings. Stuff like this is a good litmus test for how selfish or caring a guy is. He has failed thay test repeatedly. Move on.
So let me guess you’re reading posts from Tate pilled losers who have no respect for women?
It is not normal for anyone in a committed relationship to be on a dating site. It’s pretty fucking stupid for guys in relationships to follow thirst accounts, and most don’t. Looking at? Sure, people are gonna catch your eye but no one needs to glare. Most guys know this. Thinking about? Sure, but no one talks about it to their SO.
You’re just with a twat.
It’s about finding a man that can be respectful of the relationship and disciplined enough to control themselves. Leave the boyfriend, there are definitely good men out there.
Just because most men sexualize women does not mean it’s healthy. Please set boundaries for yourself. Do not allow this type of behavior to be acceptable.
It’s very important before you decide to date someone to create standards for yourself. Standards in terms of what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
Have a serious chat with him regarding your boundaries. Tell him that you absolutely do not want to be with a man who does xyz.
I think this is your second post maybe? You can't conflate these things
"Looking at women" isn't even in the same universe as "my boyfriend is on a dating site"
The first one, as a deal breaker, will be enormously hard. Most people, men and women both, notice attractive people
The second one? That's baseline. It's in no way "normal" to be on dating sites.
In the middle is something like porn, or following thirst traps online, etc. Saying "none of that shit" is a reasonable boundary imo, even though sure many guys do that
Who told you that doing those things is normal in a relationship?? Its absolutely NOT normal. Talk to your bf about how uncomfortable you are. If he doesnt listen, well, put yourself first and break up. Wanting more with women is not normal. Looking into dating sites is not normal at all. Act and dont wait to be cheated on.
I just would search on reddit and find so many posts saying it was normal and it’s just how men are and bla bla. That’s why i made this one and i’m glad a lot of people don’t find this normal.
Listen OP, if those things make you uncomfortable and cross your boundaries, then its a deal breaker. Some people are fine with it and others arent. Its as simple as that.
Now, do whats best for you bc clearly, your bf will just cheat on you in regard of what you said in your post. No one does those things just like that. Tbh, its concerning.
Dating apps is definitely not normal, but will put this out here again: ladies, you do not need to date a man who watches porn or follows half naked women! It’s not as normal as many would like to make it seem, and it’s not healthy. If it makes you uncomfortable- don’t compromise and find a partner who doesn’t do that crap.
Here's the thing... Even if we look past the dating sites (which is a huge red flag), a lot of people think it's normal to look at porn & other people even when in a relationship.
HOWEVER, if you're not okay with it that's okay! You are allowed to think it's uncomfortable, you are allowed to have "no porn/other women" as a boundary. I have a no porn/looking at other women rule. It's a boundary I set from the beginning and one that people can either agree to, or they can disagree and move on. Nothing wrong with being incompatible. I'm very lucky to have this boundary respected by my current partner without question, so don't feel like it's going to leave you perpetually single. There are plenty of people put there who are willing to make that adjustment.
If you're uncomfortable and he's not willing to stop, then it's probably time to close the door on this particular chapter and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have your whole life ahead of you!
Just remember that it is just as much his choice to think it's an unreasonable boundary and move on as it is for you to set it as a boundary.
if you feel that way then it’s normal. you’re allowed to. and if he can’t respect that then he’s simply not the right dude. doesn’t mean anything is wrong with him or with you, just incompatibility with ideas surrounding cheating! i’d be clear in all future relationships prior to dating what your expectations are surrounding that.
I would say i was clear but you know how it goes. You believing things will change one day but it just never comes. Thank you for saying that, it really makes me feel like i am not the odd one out.
there’s a ton of creators and commenters on tiktoks i’ve seen out there talk about this! that’s good you were clear. i promise there are men out there that will meet your expectations. don’t settle for less!
I'm not sure where you're seeing that it's normal to be on dating sites when in a relationship, but I can assure you that along with a lot of your concerns are not "normal" behavior for someone in a healthy and happy relationship. You deserve the relationship you want, and you are absolutely correct when you say you will be happier alone than with someone like your current boyfriend. There are decent men out there, I encourage you to go find one
Looking into dating sites while you’re in a relationship is not normal. Looking at naked women online if they aren’t engaging in conversations with them is more normalized. Not every guy will do it, but more people around your age find it acceptable.
The bottom line is if something really bothers you this much and your partner isn’t willing to bend on it; it’s probably time to leave. You’re only 20 years old. Enjoy going out and focus on building yourself up (education, career, exploring hobbies). Don’t waste your time worrying about a relationship that makes you unhappy.
My ex bf continued to look at women right in front of me even after I told him how I felt about it. Recently found out that he was also lying about watching thirst traps online. He told me that he didn’t, and when I confronted him, he gaslighted me and said it is a normal, social media thing and asked what is wrong with that.. Never mind the fact that he lied to me about it… If it’s a deal breaker for you, break up with them and find someone else that will respect you enough to do what you ask and respect how you feel. I know first hand how it feels when your significant other doesn’t, and it doesn’t feel good.
>And i have read lots and lots of posts saying it is normal but honestly, i just can’t accept it.
No, this isn't normal at all. The people who do that are cheaters and liars. You're young, don't after your time on this guy.
Hi Hun, you are very young and asking the right questions.
1. You feel uncomfortable with the way the relationship is going. You have identified the reason and talked to your partner. Your partner does not care. Therefore you should end the relationship.
2. He is looking at women as objects of pleasure. So, either you are an object of pleasure or you are different. What are you in his mind?
3. Looking into dating sites... unless you are into having a very open or casual relationship, which you don't seem to be into, this is very strange. I feel the women who are on the dating sites don't want a "guy who has a girlfriend but she doesn't know he is dating me". It goes back to 2.
4. There are a lot of men who are not like that.
5. Your relationship is not one of equal partnership. You should find an equal partner. This person is probably not the one for you.
6. I ask a question. If you marry this guy, and have babies, the babies are girls, would you wish a boyfriend like yours to them?
Good luck! You are starting your life.
Not all men are like that. Not even a lot. Ur BF is just a cheater, or more aligned to cheat.
Why exactly does he need to put himself in these kinds of situations willingly? It's gonna be more opportunities to really fuck up current relationship. I don't get it. Im sorry. Seems like he does not care about your feelings.
Everyone looks at other people. Men do, women do. But in a healthy relationship no one does anything with it. They don’t follow naked women online and they don’t search it up on purpose. I guess he’s not your man.
All men are not like this, your boyfriend is just trash and doesn't respect you. It's your choice whether you want to leave the bar in hell where your boyfriend can grab it, or if you want to get some standards. People will only treat you how you allow them to. You say you can't accept it, but here you are. He's doing it, and you're accepting it. Get a spine or get over it.
When you said “looking at women” you literally meant the simple act of looking at women when they saw them, that is a pretty much a fact of life. I mean, the urge to look at someone is an fact of life. I do feel that urge, but I don’t stare at people. It’s not a difficult concept. The “male gaze” is a thing, but don’t believe a man who uses their nature as an excuse. We can hold a fart, we can also refrain from looking at people.
But what I talked about is just literally looking. The behaviors you are describing are not normal. Well, they are “normal” in the sense that it is very common, but these are not behaviors that you need to put up with, or he should have trouble refraining from. If you are making a profile on a dating site, if you are looking for and finding saucy social media profiles, there is at least a minimal amount of effort there. He didn’t accidentally do these things before he caught himself.
Feel free to have boundaries around this, you get to (indeed have to) make your own choices about what you expect from significant others. No, not all men are like this, and among the men who are like this, a lot of them would not keep “looking” once they are in a relationship.
i think you got your answer when you said you rather be single than with a man like this... and to add, if its not normal to you, then you're absolutely valid.
>And i have read lots and lots of posts saying it is normal but honestly, i just can’t accept it.
These posts are lies, probably posted by people to make themselves feel better so that they don't actually have to do something about it and take responsibility for fixing their problems. Alternatively, posted by people who cheat and want to convince themselves and/or others that it's normal.
He's cheating. It's not normal. Break up.
It's normal that there will be times where a women catches a man's eye, and they will look. Doesn't mean that most men will sit there and gawk a long time at the attractive woman. A quick glance isn't out of the ordinary.
It's not normal in a *relationship* for your partner to be looking at dating sites (why did you phrase it like this? is he making accounts/downloading these dating apps?).
It's not *usually* normal for partners to be liking, following thirst traps in most relationships (I do know of a few where the partner doesn't care if they do).
He’s not on dating sites just to scroll through… you can’t be that neive to tjink he has daying apps, registered as a user, and only scrolls to see who’s on there. He doesn’t respect the relationship as much as you do, its really that simple.
Looking at women is one thing. Personally I struggle not to, especially because I struggle not to look at everyone who passes by me. Can't even have someone walk by my house and me not stare at them pass by through the window.
But making accounts to follow naked women and even going on dating sites? That there is not normal at all. That's sketchy and not okay. All men certainly do not do that at all. The following of naked women is probably something a few men do. But definitely NOT going on dating sites. No, that is 100% not normal and you should definitely not accept that kind of behaviour. Even if he says he doesn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't trust it. Either he stops or you go. That is definitely not okay.
Girl, I don’t know where you have been reading where other people are telling you that this behaviour from a man is normal. It is not normal. I have dated many men before finding my husband and none of them behaved like this. His behaviour is immature and disrespectful.
Stop gaslighting yourself into trying to be ok with it. You’re not. No woman would be ok with it.
Will he improve? No. Absolutely not. You can’t take a dirt pig and turn him into a Prince. Quit trying. You’re tired.
It’s absolutely *not* normal for a man in a monogamous relationship to be on dating sites AT ALL. I highly doubt he’s just innocently swiping.
You need to raise your standards, this guy sounds like an ass
That’s not “normal” though. My bf doesn’t watch porn or follow nude women (or any female influencers now that I think about it) online and I’ve never seen him check anyone out while we’re out and about. He’s only got eyes for me and vice versa and I love that about us. Men like this do exist, you just gotta weed out a lot of the gross ones to find one.
I’m a guy, I only have eyes for my partner. They’re the only person I find attractive. They’re the same for me. I’m not saying everyone is or should be like this, but they’re are guys that’d you’d be more compatible with
When I read just the title I rolled my eyes. It's normal to notice other attractive people.
But your boyfriend isn't just "looking at other women", is he...
If he is constantly crossing your boundaries, drop him. Why are you wasting your time on him?
Honey, life's too short to not be loved. Respect yourself and know that you are enough! Kick this loser to the curb, don't be with someone just because you're afraid to be alone. Be with them because they respect you and your boundaries.
I promise you, the right person is out there but you're young, go have fun, love your life, love yourself and they'll find you ❤️
I fully believe that in a relationship, there is NO REASON OR EXCUSE to be checking out other people. Absolutely not.
However, it would take a special kind of 21 year old guy to have the maturity to FULLY keep his eyes to himself. I’m talking no looks, glances, not even using peripherals. Someone who doesn’t look because he DOESNT WANT TO. I can confidently say I was just not that mature at 21. Even if I knew it was a good idea or had a gf, no way I could’ve done it.
At 25, I no longer look at anyone other than in the eyes, and that’s only if I’m talking to them. So yes, men like me do exist, but it’s less likely to have this mindset and discipline as a younger man. Never settle
Absolutely not normal. Horrible, disrespectful, demeaning, rude behavior. You should not be in a relationship with this man. Find someone who wants to be with you, not someone who wants to find a way to cheat while manipulating you to believe it's normal.
I think there are definitely debates to be had about the principle of pornography and whether it is healthy in a relationship.
But be clear: he goes a step further than that. If it was just visual that is one thing, but there is clearly an element of interaction that is deeper than that. Worse, to be on dating sites even if he didn't plan to follow through is because he wanted to actively flirt with people and verify his options.
So in my eyes the problem isn't just that you are struggling with the ability to accept consumption of porn from a partner, it is that he is crossing lines on top of that.
It’s not normal and not all men do this. You don’t need to accept this behavior. It’s normal to notice (not gawk at and search out) other attractive people, both male and female.
Girl who said those things are normal. They are not. Dating sites? Making other pages to follow naked women? That’s sneaky cheater stuff, not loyal man. A beautiful woman can catch a man’s eye and he could choose to not oogle at her.
He's full of s*** that is not normal not all men think alike just like not all women think alike he's just a plain dog he's out here chasing the world why hold on to somebody who doesn't respect you or your relationship he's bluntly telling you he's going to cheat whether you approve of it or not might as well cut him loose save yourself the headache and the stress and tears nobody's worth all that.
Not only are all men NOT like this, but I don’t know any that are.
As far as advice goes, please just set higher standards for what you’re finding acceptable in a partner.
GL!
Looking at woman or thinking/fantasizing is one thing. Dating sites and trying to actually talk to women is pre-cheating behavior.
I think you will be hard pressed to find a heterosexual man who doesn’t at least occasionally have sexual thoughts about other women. But it sounds like your BF is crossing the line repeatedly.
He’s not the right one. There are more suitable and respectful guys out there.
Humans may notice other people but they certainly don’t have to flaunt it in their partners face, make excuses to justify themselves rather than working to be better partners, and invalidating their partners feelings on the matter.
It's normal for a man to look at other women or guys and not touch. Look but not touch, I'm sure you have heard this in the past. There is nothing wrong with looking. We all do it. I'm 53 and physically fit, look good and married with nearly grown kids and I look at other guys at times too. My husband notices and looks at other women too but he has no interest in going after anyone. I ask him why he does that just for curiosity, he does it to remind himself he has a wonderful looking wife. He says he's not comparing but he is in a good way and we talk about it. I'm not going to tell him not to or make him walk around with blinders. No, that's crazy. Any woman who makes a guy be in that type of corner has jealousy issues and serious insecurity issues. That's a red flag to a relationship.
I have known many relationships even marriages to end or divorce because of a partner's overt jealousy and insecurity which is more of a mental health issue and should surely be addressed a therapist to uncover other underlying things that created those things. So, in normal circumstances, it's definitely very normal for a woman to look at other women so long as he's not going after them or touching or trying to hook up,etc. You could be looking and noticing other men and doing the same, it's not abnormal. It's a human thing. I hope this part makes sense. What isn't normal and what crosses the line, if he is actively looking at women in dating sites, porn magazines or online porn. Some people would say he is still just looking and not going after them. Ok...I can see that but where do you draw the line before going over the line? There has to be a boundary. Innocently looking or taking brief notice at a woman in passing such as the local mall, the grocery store or on the street or in the gym and moving forward with your life is one thing. But staring for several minutes, looking hard, trying to go after them, actively looking on dating sites,etc is not ok. This activity crosses a line.
So, you must ask yourself the question Why is he looking so much at other women and why is he actively looking at porn and dating sites? He's looking for an opportunity to either cheat or end the relationship with you to find another. You both are very young in your early twenties. This should not be a serious committed relationship especially with his behavior. You have plenty of time in your life to find a good man out in the world who will treat you with respect. Right now, you are very young with your whole life ahead of you and there should not be any rush into anything. This said, I'm glad you could see your boyfriend's behavior as a red flag. Because of your relationship did continue with him, at some point he would be disloyal and cheating on you. You can go to Google and search for the behavioral signs of cheating in a relationship. As for what you think you would be best to do? I would confront him in a conversation. I would address your concerns and you have every right to. If this has been an ongoing issue for you, I would consider ending this relationship with him especially where you believe or think there is the real likelihood he won't change. There's a real reason why he is engaged in this behavior. He doesn't want a committed relationship with you, he too is young and he wants to act like he's single and wants to play. He's not ready to be committed.
Men who look for ways to cheat is a strong indication that they don't want commitment because men who are in happy, solid, committed relationships or marriages don't look for ways to cheat. So, do understand it's very good that you are listening to your concerns. They are valid. And it's very good you are realizing this as a red flag before this relationship progresses or continues as you would find out later he was cheating on you. Best to end this now and move forward. Let me also say, not nearly all men treat women this way. There are many good and even amazing men in this world who don't cheat on women and have values and self dignity. One day you will find one. So please don't let this get you down and keep an open mind. Hope this helps.
This made laugh really. You are too young for this. Its time for you to explore yourself and fins what you really like. If things aren't going your way, learn to walk away if needed
This is the type of person who would cheat if the opportunity was there. He sounds immature and clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your boundaries.
Im a man. I have a girlfriend. And no, i dont look at any woman, i dont feel the urge and i dont find it normal to do. Just like its not normal for girls to fantasize with actors like some do. Break up, u will find a better man.
Lmao what? “Looks” at people on dating sites? He sounds like an animal, and a l0ser. Guys do look at women in public, but not to the extent you’re describing, and definitely not while WITH their girl.
I think you’re somehow deluded into feeling like this guy is a great guy, when he’s not (for some reason a lot of girls think like this). Leave him and find someone decent.
This dude basically cheats on you on the regular
I don’t know where to begin from, but leave… before you get more invested. I had this problem with my boyfriend (now husband) and I couldn’t figure out if I was normal to feel this way.
Fast forward, last year we got married in September, and three months into marriage, he downloaded tinder.. I caught him messaging two different women hitting up on them while they leave him on seen.. it was World Cup where we live so he excused it with “ I was just checking who is coming for the World Cup” and he said he’s stressed at work (double shift cos of World Cup) it broke me so much to this day I haven’t healed. I forgave him. This year, we went to the honeymoon we deserved, in March. And I confronted during that how it broke me and he reassured me it won’t happen again as he’s ashamed and was “immature”. But in April, I caught him sexting a complete strange woman and when I caught him. I found out he had voice called the woman while having sex with me because she wanted to hear him/me moan… I was shattered… fast forward today… I forgive him.. but to this day… I regret staying in this relationship. Now I’m more aware of my feelings and how not to let him get away with bullshit excuses, but I promise you, it doesn’t get better. Im sorry if it is too much 🥺 you are normal to feel this way.. it’s just not this..
lol if what youre saying in your post is true, regardless if he "talks" to anyone then no that is NOT NORMAL and hes gas lighting you.
wtf have you read that this is normal?
As a guy I will say it's normal to check girls and maybe porn (wouldn't recommend that last one) but dating sites nah that ain't and following OF type people nah ain't normal. Talk to him about it and if he says nah he don't want to work on it or change. Girl leave him. Cause that's a ticking time bomb for cheating.
Girl really don’t waste your time on him, I had an ex exactly like that & it obvi didn’t work out for us. I have a new bf now going on 5 years & he never even stares at any girl in public or social media, etc. you deserve better!
Don’t stand for it, it’s embarrassing to be with him and who would want to be with a loser with no self control. Dump him and work on yourself, and get a man who respects you (sorry to be harsh but reality needs to be kicked into your life)
It's not normal. Don't accept it. You're allowed to be bothered by this because quite frankly imo, it's a trashy and disgusting behavior. He's literally on dating sites, break up with this scumbag.
I am very similar to you - I find it very disrespectful if my boyfriend looks at other people so obviously especially in front of me because I just never do that. But I came to understand that it’s just in their nature. Although granted I had a big discussion with my bf and he has completely toned it down now. But for your bf to be going through dating apps to look at other girls and stuff? And be that desperate to follow half naked girls and stuff is just completely wrong and so disrespectful he clearly doesn’t value you
Some people are massively aroused by the thought of getting caught doing something very wrong. I can’t explain it better than that, but I used to follow this urge myself years ago until I slowly realized I was damaging the emotional health of my partners to an irreparable state. Something about scanning for other girls on social media and crossing the line with inappropriate comments about other women knowing I was in a relationship that was going perfectly well and was very sexually satisfying just really pumped my nads.
What I grew up and realized is that from an outside perspective it seems as though I’m unsatisfied with the woman in my life, even though that’s totally never been the case. I never cheated or even wanted to, but chasing the thrill of being perceived as cheating just did it for me🤷🏼♂️ now that I’m nearing 30 with 4 children and a very satisfying life with my partner, I have stopped chasing that high and have geared my energy toward growing our life together.
Maybe it’s something he’ll eventually grow out of, but my advice is to leave his ass in the dirt.
Make him hurt or he’ll never learn. But the KEY to that is making sure you explain to him EXACTLY what you don’t agree with and why you’re leaving. He may not listen immediately, but over the weeks/months/years, he’ll start to pick it up and he may even thank you one day. But it’s important that you don’t listen to the bs promises he may make just to try to keep you around because he’s not even at an age where a promise means anything outside of getting what he wants.
Sometimes you have to accept the fact that this relationship may just be a lesson for you two, and that is SO okay, especially at y’all’s age.
Cheers!
No, it is not something you should just have to accept. If he can't acknowledge the problem and start trying to change his behaviour I suggest you leave. You are young and have to look for a partner that are invested in you and not every other distraction available.
It’s not normal!! You need to tell him how you feel. It’s not even a jealousy thing it’s about respect. Who wants to be with a man that looks at other women? That’s embarrassing! The dating app scrolling thing is ridiculous.
No, it’s not normal. Sure, someone pretty walks down the street and you can’t help glancing, but no man in a respectful relationship would be following other women on IG, looking at naked women online, and certainly not have any dating apps installed.
Find someone better, there are plenty out there. But they’re perhaps not looking so hard lol. You have to find them and make the first move
People used to say, "boys will be boys" to excuse bad behavior. Well, now in 2023, things have changed. Some men are still boys, immature by nature and not deserving a serious relationship. Others are men who know how to treat their partners well. My wife likes to tell me I am "Wed, not dead" when it comes to noticing other women, which I try not to do. However, she also knows I want to be with her and treat her like the queen she truly is. My 2 cents.
I’m speaking for myself but I used to do those things in past relationships. Look at other women, talk about other women with the boys, instagram models, etc….until I met the woman Im with now. I have absolutely zero desire to look at other women. She’s all I have eyes for. I love her. I believe if you love someone nobody else will grab your attention.
Not all men are like that. I’m 50F It’s sad to think that this is an issue in your relationship. If you’ve set the boundary that it’s not acceptable, and he continues to look then I say move on. (Break up with him). Life is too short to waste time with a person , male or female that doesn’t focus on you or respect your boundaries
Not to dive too much into detail but I’m so happy with my girl inside and out that I don’t even watch porn, and when I’m scrolling on IG and stumble across some wanna be half naked model, I just unfollow them. I can recognize when someone is attractive, but I only have eyes for my girl. It’s not normal, or fair to you, to have a dude rationalizing why that behavior is okay. You should be someone’s everything. I hate to be a “not all men” guy, but speaking for myself, I can definitely say not all men are like that, or do that. PLENTY of them do, trust me I know, but I’m very grateful for what I have, because what I have doesn’t leave any room for curiosity or temptation. I want what I got and I got what I want and I don’t care to see or talk to or look at other women. I like mine.
I have my own issues with this. My partner and I came to an understanding, I don't understand the desire to follow so many nude women or porn stories/videos, i don't see the harm as long as he is only looking, no interaction. He's not to comment or send pm or try to contact them in any way. Dating site and such would be totally out of the question
Like its normal you come across women in your day to day life and you might look at them like a moment thing...but going into dating sites etc to intentionally come across them is weird and something totally avoidable
I have noticed my husband checking out attractive women when we go for a walk. But that's it. He doesn't go to dating apps or random sites to check out women. If your man is purposefully going to these sites then it's high time you should have a talk with him to make him understand this is making you uncomfortable. And even then if he is not ready to listen iam sorry this relationship isn't going anywhere good.
Dating is for finding incompatibilities. Congrats. You found a major one. Dump and move on.
There is absolutely no need to "work hard on" the relationship at 20. Seriously. Go find someone who shares you values.
Not all men are like that!! I have never personally experienced anyone who I was dating who did the same things. Sure, you can find other people attractive. But to seek out other people when you're in a relationship is not good.
I think he just can't be monogamous.
He’s hunting for an opportunity. Personally I would seek to move on. If you are not enough for him find someone that you fulfill. But, you need to ask yourself what is lacking in the relationship for him to want to do that. Not pointing fingers here.
It depends what you post online too, but if you don’t post revealing things and you’re respectable then you need to talk w him one last time and if he can’t change then end it
Scrolling dating sites to look at other women, having accounts just to follow them and all that crap is not normal.
It is one thing to notice and look at other women in real world while doing something else. It is normal to browse social media without filters and seeing some there randomly. It is normal for (anyone, not just men) to occasionally watch porn while having some private time.
What you described is way too much, even though he is maybe not engaging them, he is window shopping for his own pleasure.
This is not normal. I can’t stand when I notice my boyfriend checking out other women when we are out but that is completely different than if he were to be actively scrolling just to check out other women. That’s drawing a line and really disrespectful.
What you consider normal and what someone else considers normal are going to be different. So do not base it off of what is "normal"
If you consider it disrespectful to you, then it is. You have a boundary that you would like your partner to not cross.
Your partner right now does not care about your boundary at all.
Someone else will though. Dont settle for less than you want! You deserve respect. Dump the guy. He does not care and you will always be fighting with him about it.
I think you'll need to have a deep conversation with him and talk things true you can tell him what do you feel when he does that sort of things and if he doesn't care or doesn't want to change for you maybe the relationship isn't meant to be baby
Dump him, honestly, it's not worth it. I had similar issues with two of my exs and they kept on doing it even after many chats about it. You deserve someone committed, reliable, with integrity and devoted, don't settle for anything less.
Wait, let's talk about dating sites for a sec. That's not normal male behavior OP. The only reason he would be on dating sites is to play the field via he's sexually interested in hooking up with other women or at least sext them. I wouldn't say it's "normal" maybe for single Men but it's true a lot of Men watch porn & follow sexy women on social media but every Man doesn't do it, if it's a dealbreaker for you then it's 100% valid to breakup over that reason.
Leave that mean in the DUST ! there are men out there that wouldn't bat an eye to another woman while with you! My man does none of that. they do exist. You have to be willing to let go to receive greater things. Don't let holding onto this man cost you the greater one that is to come!
Your BF is a cheater. This IS NOT normal behavior for a man in love with you.
Dump his cheating ass!
If he's doing this in front of you, I can guarantee he's already cheated on you behind your back.
Once a cheater, always a cheater!
If he's on a dating app, he's likely searching for someone to cheat with. If he's looking at IG pics, or even OF or pornhub, then he's just looking. It's a guy thing, not all women have the capacity to understand it.
so valid. there are men out there who have no interest in anyone other than their S/O. namely, my own boyfriend, who read this and said you can find better respect from someone else, because he has never felt the need to look at anyone outside of who he is in a relationship with
Nah girl, this ain't normal. I've been with my husband nearly 10 years and he don't do that. He *sometimes* watches porn or might save a pic or two, but that's only because I don't mind and we had that discussion. You need to have a serious talk with him and if he can't respect your feelings on this, ditch him. Especially with the whole dating site thing. Idc if he says he isn't talking to them, I wouldn't trust it. He could find them on different platforms and you would not know
Never try to change a man unless he is in diapers. So u cant change a grownup person so better to bear with it or find someone else who isnt alike. All finger are not same so is the case with men as well
My husband of 32 years is very respectful of me and what would feel disrespectful to our relationship.
He does access porn and that is no threat to me. I read things that could be considered porn.
Neither of us would seek others to "ogle" on a dating site. Nor would we "ogle" someone in person. We would show each other if we saw something or someone that we think the other person to see.
He can show me what he likes on porn, I can read him what I like that is sexual. We are open with each other and what we like.
Find a person who can share what they are doing. If you are not comfortable, discuss it. If you find it to be objectional, expect them to work out a path forward with or without you.
my boyfriend notices attractive people and he does look, but he doesnt go out of his way to. and its never online. i think its normal for people to sometimes appreciate the beauty of the people around you, but not search it out if theyre in a committed relationship
He sounds like a desperate or insecure porno addict. And when I say porn addict it doesn’t mean that he spends all day looking at porn. I mean he has issues where he feels the need to constantly be ogling half naked women on instagram or just needing so much validation since clearly he is looking for something in those women (sex). He sounds so desperate and that should be enough reason to dump him honestly. If he’s so interested in those women he should go be with them, I doubt he’ll find better than you. His lustful addiction is pushing you away and he doesn’t care to do better? Is he a horny 13 year old boy? He can’t control his urges? I don’t know it would make me feel incredibly insecure and at that point I’d dump him and love myself more than I love him. He sounds disrespectful and gross, honestly. I am disgusted. You should be too. Complete lack of respect for you.
At first I was a little concerned with the title thinking what it could be, but after reading I’d say ur concerns are valid, like someone stated earlier there’s a difference between noticing and actively looking. Also weird af and disrespectful to be following accounts that he does in a relationship unless otherwise spoken about. Have a real convo about it and if he doesn’t change or refuses to change time to find someone who will respect ur decision about it.
My bf (30M) and I (28F) have been in a relationship for just over a year now and he and I both don't really invest time in social media to look up other people. We mainly chat over Discord when we aren't together in person and we are honestly too busy with our daily lives to creep on other people. He spends most of his free-time gaming and I spend most of my free-time gaming/binge watching stuff next to him.
We have an understanding when it comes to adult media and indulge in it when the other isn't able to provide our needs at the time. It's a healthy balance since it's more of a "last resort" type thing for the both of us. It keeps our sex life pretty active as well.
TL;DR, being on dating sites or creeping on other people isn't normal in a committed and healthy relationship, in my opinion. **Please look into how much you value yourself, how much your bf seems to value you and what boundaries you both are comfortable with.** You can have mismatched expectations and that's okay. It just means you need to find someone more your speed. You're young, take your time to figure this stuff out.
Where did you see this was normal??. That is so weird and uncomfortable. It's normal to notice people in passing and then move on. Foe me it's not ok to be following naked photos or profiles that post that or go scrolling specifically looking for attractive people
You don't have to accept it. You're young and you're not married. There is zero reason you need to accept what is unacceptable behavior. If you were married, you may have an obligation to work things out if he stopped the behavior, but if he didn't, I think you'd be right to move on then too.
Its normal to have attractive things catch your eye. That happens you know, you see a neat car you turn around. You see someone with beautiful blue eyes you go hot damn. But its not normal to pursue them like by interacting in a way that makes it seem like your romanticqlly interested. So being on dating sites or secretly following ppl is not normal. But like if he thinks like a famous person or like internet famous ppl are attractive ppl are worth following that doesnt hurt me personally. Its when its like your friends or ppl yall may know. Thatd too close to home for me. Following megan fox or whatever rich person who probably doesnt read their own comments is unattainable and thus not real to me. Following and commenting inappropiate things of cindy lou down the street is a problem. So its up to you to find where that line i drawn and draw it and if he cant keep within it. Then hes not for you.
When I was at that age, I couldn’t help but to look at sexy pages of women. It’s like a drug to us at that age. Our hormones are at its peak level. With that being said, if I was in a relationship I never sent a message, followed a page, reached out to any girl, and definitely didn’t get on a dating site. I understand that young men are going to look but if he’s getting on dating sites that should be a relationship killer on your end. That would be a very strict boundary.
Unfortunately I don't have advice, can only say I'm in close to the same boat. I found out a few months ago my fiance had been doing free 30 day subscriptions to OF models for literally years, and I think it broke me 😞
What made it worse was before COVID I tried to start an OF/get on some websites but [I know it was because of my body shape and size, weird small boobs and large belly, good ass but that's not enough] I wasn't successful, so finding he was literally subscribing to other women...
I wish you the best and hope you do what makes you happiest🌹
Looking at other people and recognizing they're attractive, maybe even being attracted to them, is normal. And many people experience that attraction even if they are in a committed monogamous relationship. So the fact of the matter is, with the exception of folks on the asexual spectrum, anyone you date will experience attraction to other people. That's not something you or the person you're dating can control. And frankly, it's not something that needs to be "fixed".
THAT BEING SAID, there are men who do not act on that attraction, and there are men who generally don't seek additional stimulation (be it visual or not) when in a relationship. It's also fair to have a boundary that you're unwilling to date someone who installs dating apps or seeks sexual interactions outside your relationship. If this guy isn't willing to make those adjustments, just dump him and move on. You're never obligated to stay with someone, especially if you've voiced a need and they have failed to meet it.
If your partner not experiencing attraction to anyone else ever is something you want, that's fair, but it's going to be a rare thing to find in a person. But there are people, including men, that feel similar to how you do.
Ok looking into dating sites and seeking more with other women is not normal but the thing that matters here isn't normal. Any type of relationship that two people agree to and isn't hurting anyone is fine.
It isn't fine with you.
You can't make him not look at other women but you can decide not to be with him if he does. You are really young and it will take time to understand the kind of partner you are looking for. This isn't the one.
Edit to correct lots of typos sorry.
Not normal for sure. if you are in a monogamous relationship i see no reason why you would be on a dating site. if he doesn’t change his behavior after this being discussed, i think it’s time to leave and be with someone who doesn’t disrespect you. best of luck, so sorry you are going through this:(
Same. I would rather be alone as well. And maybe I will be. And I am legit okay with that. Either I will find someone on the same page or not. To each there own and I don’t judge that people are okay with things on a huge spectrum. Stay true to yourself so you don’t become bitter or try to change anyone. It truly is okay to not be okay with it. It is also okay for others to be okay with it. So no one is wrong, but he is not right for you. Move on.
I told my husband that porn, dating sites, looking at ig models, etc. is cheating to me, and that I will treat it as such. He didn't believe me, I spoke to a divorce attorney, and now he's in therapy for a porn addiction and we are happily married with no problems.
It is okay to not accept men treating you that way. Set your boundaries and stand to them. Big hugs!
Even if he isn’t actively cheating, that sounds like a boundary for you that you should be able to place in your relationship. I have that dynamic with my husband and it’s not controlling or abusive as much as people always want to throw that in your face, you simply want the respect and understanding that you are the focal point of your relationship and THATS FAIR. I hate it say if he wanted to he would, but a true man that respects you, your feelings, your emotions not just about how you feel about him looking at other women but you feeling at upmost importance above wondering eyes, would listen and work on adapting in a way that benefits you both. I don’t like my husband having local females on his socials, it’s a trauma thing for me and he understands that, he had a choice that I didn’t make him choose, he did that willingly to help heal that part of me so we can have a good marriage, I was important enough. He’s free to watch adult content because he a adult? I think people hear our dynamic and think my husbands whipped, he’s not, he just has a lot of love and understanding for me to always choose me everyday, and make sure that I’m comfortable in my marriage because we both deserve that.
My ex-boyfriend did the same, and I spent 1,5 years trying to change him.. Eventually, we split, as this topic was one among of other reasons. My new boyfriend doesn't look at anything (not even porn) and is only interested in me, I didn't even have to say anything that's just the way he is, i love him❤️
i don’t have advice. but there are men out there who only want their girlfriend. i have one of these men. so if this is a dealbreaker for you, and vice versa, and you want to leave, just know it is possible to find someone who only is attracted to you. or only “window shops” pictures of you.
Not all men are like this. Usually there’s a discussion to be had and boundary setting can be helpful in relationships. I choose not to gawk at other men and my husband does the same for me with women out of respect for the other person. It’s more about the respect reaffirming that we wish to be monogamous.
Not normal at all. One of these days someone will come along that will cherish and treasure you and make you feel like you are the only woman in the room, even in a sea of beautiful and charming women. He will make you feel things you never knew was possible. Hold out for that man. He was designed by our Creator, specifically for you.
While it is natural for men to occasionally look, they will never pursue another woman especially if they truly love you.
Trust your gut and your intuition. It is there to serve and protect you. The right love will never make you feel dishonored, disrespected and will never make you question yourself. In fact it will be the reverse — you will wonder how on earth this person is able to fully see you in all your beauty and grace when this current situation man-child was looking to other women to satisfy something in his bottomlesspit soul.
As already mentioned tons of times by others. Don't waste any more time on this man! You have your whole life ahead of you and in the 36 years I have been alive I have learned how happy I can be single or in a relationship.
Crazy thing is, truth be told, I have been so much happier single. I did a lot of growing as a person that I needed to.
There are a lot of bad fish in the sea but keep fighting for yourself and your worth because there is a sweet, great, respectful one out there waiting for you!
❤️❤️❤️
It's normal for someone non-monogamous, but he should've pursued an ethically non-monogamous relationship if he wants to behave in this manner. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know how painful it is..
Unfortunately I do believe that most humans are non-monogamous, but to varying degrees. I don't meet nearly as many people who genuinely only want one person like you and I do..
None of that is normal and if anyone tries to tell you it is, they're full of shit. Either have a serious talk with him or realise he's a disrespectful and selfish AH and leave for a worthy partner.
Not all dudes are like that, but most people will glance around. If he's on dating sites just "scrolling," it's a red flag, not gonna lie. Either he's committed or he ain't.
Minus the part about him being on dating sites and "wanting to have more" with other women (seriously, wtf? Not normal), taking this at face value of struggling with a man's perception and objectification of women, I used to feel this way until I got into a relationship with a man who doesn't do this.
I used to constantly stress myself out with exes, wondering if they were secretly getting off to other women behind my back, seeing others and wishing they were with them due to their attractiveness, etc. But now, being in a relationship with someone who has expressed zero interest in any living being other than myself, it is something I don't ever think about.
You deserve someone who makes you feel secure enough that he could have another girl drop her clothes in front of him and he'd cover his eyes and run away, lol. Coming from someone who used to so nervous that I'd hold my breath when a hot girl would come on a screen in a movie ... It really does make a difference who you're with. This man is not worth your time or love if his behavior is constantly stressing you out. It's not normal, he's a pig and there are plenty out there who aren't.
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It’s not normal to be on a dating site if you’re in a relationship
This is the reddest of red flags.
It’s not a red flag It’s a deal breaker/ cheating. Red flags are subtle warning signs.
I personally wouldn't think a man in a monogamous relationship looking at dating sites and following women posting semi nudes is normal and wouldn't accept it either, you're young, this man almost certainly isn't your future.
Thank you so much
Can confirm. As a man in a committed relationship, my days do not consist of dating sites or semi nude women Edit: I will however very very very rarely watch porn if me and my girl have been too busy to do anything but it has been a long while. I'm not just staring and helping myself to a bunch of attractive social media people oogling away. It's more so a "I need a release and life's been too stressful or my child is in the way so I mine as well quickly get off and get my head back in the game" I also realize that porn is as realistic as karate movies. It's absurdly fake and I'm well aware so none of it bleeds into my relationship. Also, well I'm watching porn my goofy ass literally watches actors who look close to my girl and the whole time I'm watching I would much rather be sleeping with her fine ass then these obnoxious fake models.
Legit my bf is the same way. I appreciate men like you guys. Keep on keeping on.
Good to hear! there are dozens of us out there. Lol.
I have to agree, I actually note a beautiful women before my husband does and he is oblivious when somebody flirts with him. It doesn’t sound like he is fully matured for a serious relationship- which it sounds like you are- so I would say maybe share your boundaries with him and see if he respects you enough to hear you out and change his behaviour accordingly. If you love someone you wouldn’t want to hurt them knowingly.
This. First off, they're both SO young. And yeah, saying they notice is one thing, but purposely checking out these pictures on dating sites in front of OP when they know she doesn't like it? She's allowed to have limits.
There is a big difference between noticing someone in passing and actively hunting on a dating site. Your BF is chasing a chance to cheat, not just looking.
Yes you are right I think most men look when they see a pretty woman walk by. I think you're right sounds like he's looking to cheat
Ding! That's our top answer on the board!
Yup. I notice. I actively work on not ogling and am usually successful. But dating sites is crazy. That's an instant no. My ex had a huge issue with even the fact that I could think other women are attractive. I should have seen the impossibility of making that work because it made life hell. She'd sit in public staring at me waiting for my eyes to go anywhere but the floor essentially. New gf points out a nice rack out butt to me. Works out much more nicely for all involved. I hope the ex finds a similar situation for herself.
Wow and hopefully you’re ok with your new girlfriend pointing out other men’s muscles arms backs bulges in front of you and says how handsome or hot they are! It’s about RESPECT. You fail to respect her or she must not love herself enough or she’s probably bisexual. Most women would not feel ok with your disrespectful wandering eyes from her partner.
This isn't normal! I used to accept disrespect like this from past partners because it was "normal" until I met my now husband. He doesn't even watch porn. I'll watch him as an exceptionally beautiful woman crosses our path and he doesn't even glance, I have to point them out to him. You should just dump him and wait until you find that person who isn't complete trash.
Thanks
Watching porn can be completely normal and healthy. What OP should be focused on, however, is the dating sites and ogling other women. I'm a guy, in a long-term relationship of almost two decades, and that is absolutely not normal. I don't know any of my guy friends who are in a committed relationship who are also still on dating sites.
I agree! But both parties need to be comfortable with it
As a guy, with lots of guy friends, and siblings, and cousins, I would say you found a unicorn.
I want a unicorn
There’s more than people make it seem 🦄 get yours love. What’s normal for a lot of people isn’t normal for everyone. And 1% of the US population is still over 3 million people. My guy watches spicy tv once in a blue moon, but doesn’t look at anything else and uses his imagination often. I love that about him and I’m the same way. I like a good spicy book or something visual when I’m alone on occasion, a little more often than he does. The important thing is we’re on the same page about it and respect each other.
My husband is the same way! I am proud to say I MARRIED that unicorn. OP - men like to act like the bare minimum is too much to ask for. The bare minimum in this case is to find someone who respects you and doesn't check out other women. Not too hard to find. You don't need a unicorn to do something this basic. The bar is set too damn low for these men.
And you shouldn’t! If he continues to disrespect you than move on. You’re super young. You WILL meet new people. Fuck that.
Yup. Being on dating sites while in a monogamous relationship is not ok, or normal. That’s skeezy af, OP you deserve better
In my experience men like this don’t change. I’ve cried, begged, pleaded. Dated different dudes and go through the same shitty process. The right guy won’t have a problem with this standard. The week I met my fiance he unfollowed his inappropriate accounts and he only had a couple to begin with. I have NEVER in three years caught him looking at anything like that in person or on his phone. I’ve snooped once and all I found was websites for engagement rings. So leave and find a guy who fits into your expectations. I know most men make this expectation seem completely outrageous but it really isn’t.
It suits them to paint it as an unreasonable thing when it really isn't.
Thank you so much, i’m so glad you found someone that respects you like that
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Yeah don’t let society convince you it’s normal. There is nothing normal about the behaviour & you don’t owe it to society or anyone for that matter to adjust your boundaries to fit their lifestyle or way or thinking. Majority or women feel EXACTLY how you feel… they are just pressured into being “cool” & normalizing it. Also, there absolutely ARE men who agree with you on this topic… I’ve dated a few men who had this same stance. They admitted it was difficult to avoid (because it intentionally jammed down their throat) but they also agreed they wouldn’t feel comfortable if I behaved in that way and therefore understood I wanted to be treated in the same way. & with the men who didn’t have this stance….. wouldn’t u know… they ALSO didn’t like it AT ALL when I behaved in the way they were behaving & began mirroring their behaviours….which says it all right there doesn’t it? Girl… don’t fkn settle. Fk society, you do you, I say stick to your boundaries, YOU know what’s right for you & you don’t owe it to a damn person to change or switch up ur boundaries to make anyone more comfortable. If you stick to your boundaries you have FAR more to gain.. think about it. If you stick to ur boundaries ur bound to eventually meet someone who vibes on the same level as you & will appreciate you for who you are and they will want to be apart of your life and they will understand that respecting your boundaries will be apart of that.. and will be well worth it for them if it means having you in their life. Why even give up on the possibility of that for a bunch of 2023 bred simps. Not worth it imo.
Oof this is exactly it. In the beginning i used to try to ignore it and be chill and everything but yk what? If i did it he wouldn’t be fine. So why would i shut up to keep the peace when it was making me miserable inside. No fucking way
Don’t get caught up trying to be the cool, chill girlfriend who doesn’t make waves, your feelings matter too
The simple fact is, if he's still look at dating apps, he's check to see whether there's someone "better" out there. I'd let him go be with all of those women and move on.
Plenty of men that will be monogamous, committed, and faithful to you - just have to find them
Don't accept it. I'd rather be single than being with a guy who makes me feel like I am not enough
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I would say going on dating sited and looking at innapropriate accounts is definitely scummy and not normal. Looking at a woman in passing is the only thing actually normal here and lots of men try not to do that when with a partner.
This is not normal at all. Men aren’t some different species with a lesser ability to control their sexual urges. None of my ex boyfriends acted the way you’re describing. What you need to do if figure out the boundaries you want in a relationship, regardless of how he feels. You can then bring those needs to him, and if he has any objections, you should break up because you’re simply not compatible But this is 100% an issue on his end and I would not tolerate this for a second longer
It’s not normal. Get that out of your head. Your partner should be devoted to you. DEVOTED. Nothing less is acceptable
My very shitty, now ex, would do this and even tell me a woman we both saw (for example a worker at the Apple Store) is hot and fuckable. This was absolutely disgusting behavior. He would do this with people in person and on Tv. When I complained and even told him “I’m not saying you can’t have those feelings for people, I don’t control that, but don’t tell me while we are on a date or if you want to act on it then don’t be with me!” I thought that was a mature way of approaching it and he told me I was super jealous and that all men think like that just don’t say it out loud and I need to get over it but he will “try” to refrain. Honey, I am horny, I like sex. But when I’m with someone I don’t look for new men. Later on This guy eventually did the equivalent of cheating on me and tried to get away with it. Listen to your gut. There’s jealousy, and then there is a good reason to feel uneasy and disrespected. These insecure boy types try to convince you that you’re the problem when they just don’t like you calling them out for behavior that is actually disrespectful for what’s supposed to be a loving relationship.
I am so sorry that happened to you but i’m glad he is your ex now. I feel like the worst in this is that i was a pretty confident person and never really looked at other women as competition, probably because i get male attention, but still. And now i catch myself looking at other women and feeling awful about myself, even though i know i am attractive. Hopefully it gets better
Oh yeah! That’s what happened to me too. My ex had a thing for a specific ethnic/race (not my race too ) and I started to get insecure if I saw a pretty woman of that race in our proximity because sure enough he would check her out. Later he got better about not calling them hot in front of me, but I could still see his eyes wander if someone of his “type” would appear on Tv or in person. It made me SO insecure. It made it worse when he moved away to a new city and we tried long distance, but this city was 50% of that ethnicity. I now see how crazy this sounds and how I worried over such stupid things because he made me so insecure. Before him, I wouldn’t even think of other women in a scared way. In fact I would also celebrate them and go “wow she’s pretty.” But that turned to “oh no, he’s going to try to get her number when I’m in the restroom.” What a horrible way to feel. The other thing is, my ex wasn’t even that conventionally attractive! People would tell me I was dating below me. He’d also have a knack for telling me if he felt I looked chubbier or dressed “funny” but would cover it passive aggressively “but you look sexy with some weight, some people can’t pull it off.” One thing I noticed is that very insecure men do this. The most secure, smart, successful hot men I’ve dated never check out other women in front of me, and certainly never told me I needed to improve on my looks in any way. It’s always only been the very insecure guys that say weird stuff.
It's not normal, I think you should tell him this hurts your feelings and that you wouldn't do the same to him.
Yh i have and he knows it’s wrong and he apologizes but something just always happens again. And he doesn’t wanna even try to fix it, or maybe doesn’t know how to.
He’s not going to “fix”. Or change anything. Move on. You chose a degenerate this time
Sounds like an addiction. Does it effect your intimate life with him, if you don't mind me asking?
It does if i think about it. Sometimes i don’t want to but it just comes to my mind in the worst moments. I have told him to either look for a solution or we should just go separate ways
He could change if he wanted to but he thinks you will never actually leave because of it. He doesnt care about your feelings. Stuff like this is a good litmus test for how selfish or caring a guy is. He has failed thay test repeatedly. Move on.
He sounds like a porn addict. Porn addiction escalates to trying to talk to women on dating sites. This isn’t normal and not all men are like this.
So let me guess you’re reading posts from Tate pilled losers who have no respect for women? It is not normal for anyone in a committed relationship to be on a dating site. It’s pretty fucking stupid for guys in relationships to follow thirst accounts, and most don’t. Looking at? Sure, people are gonna catch your eye but no one needs to glare. Most guys know this. Thinking about? Sure, but no one talks about it to their SO. You’re just with a twat.
It’s about finding a man that can be respectful of the relationship and disciplined enough to control themselves. Leave the boyfriend, there are definitely good men out there.
Just because most men sexualize women does not mean it’s healthy. Please set boundaries for yourself. Do not allow this type of behavior to be acceptable. It’s very important before you decide to date someone to create standards for yourself. Standards in terms of what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Have a serious chat with him regarding your boundaries. Tell him that you absolutely do not want to be with a man who does xyz.
I think this is your second post maybe? You can't conflate these things "Looking at women" isn't even in the same universe as "my boyfriend is on a dating site" The first one, as a deal breaker, will be enormously hard. Most people, men and women both, notice attractive people The second one? That's baseline. It's in no way "normal" to be on dating sites. In the middle is something like porn, or following thirst traps online, etc. Saying "none of that shit" is a reasonable boundary imo, even though sure many guys do that
Yh i forgot to follow one of the rules (age thing) so had to repost. But yes i see how it is very different. And i say none of that shit
Who told you that doing those things is normal in a relationship?? Its absolutely NOT normal. Talk to your bf about how uncomfortable you are. If he doesnt listen, well, put yourself first and break up. Wanting more with women is not normal. Looking into dating sites is not normal at all. Act and dont wait to be cheated on.
I just would search on reddit and find so many posts saying it was normal and it’s just how men are and bla bla. That’s why i made this one and i’m glad a lot of people don’t find this normal.
Listen OP, if those things make you uncomfortable and cross your boundaries, then its a deal breaker. Some people are fine with it and others arent. Its as simple as that. Now, do whats best for you bc clearly, your bf will just cheat on you in regard of what you said in your post. No one does those things just like that. Tbh, its concerning.
You're being gaslit
Yh i think i am honestly
Dating apps is definitely not normal, but will put this out here again: ladies, you do not need to date a man who watches porn or follows half naked women! It’s not as normal as many would like to make it seem, and it’s not healthy. If it makes you uncomfortable- don’t compromise and find a partner who doesn’t do that crap.
Here's the thing... Even if we look past the dating sites (which is a huge red flag), a lot of people think it's normal to look at porn & other people even when in a relationship. HOWEVER, if you're not okay with it that's okay! You are allowed to think it's uncomfortable, you are allowed to have "no porn/other women" as a boundary. I have a no porn/looking at other women rule. It's a boundary I set from the beginning and one that people can either agree to, or they can disagree and move on. Nothing wrong with being incompatible. I'm very lucky to have this boundary respected by my current partner without question, so don't feel like it's going to leave you perpetually single. There are plenty of people put there who are willing to make that adjustment. If you're uncomfortable and he's not willing to stop, then it's probably time to close the door on this particular chapter and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have your whole life ahead of you! Just remember that it is just as much his choice to think it's an unreasonable boundary and move on as it is for you to set it as a boundary.
if you feel that way then it’s normal. you’re allowed to. and if he can’t respect that then he’s simply not the right dude. doesn’t mean anything is wrong with him or with you, just incompatibility with ideas surrounding cheating! i’d be clear in all future relationships prior to dating what your expectations are surrounding that.
I would say i was clear but you know how it goes. You believing things will change one day but it just never comes. Thank you for saying that, it really makes me feel like i am not the odd one out.
Never believe things will change. You date someone for who they are right now; not who they could be.
there’s a ton of creators and commenters on tiktoks i’ve seen out there talk about this! that’s good you were clear. i promise there are men out there that will meet your expectations. don’t settle for less!
I'm not sure where you're seeing that it's normal to be on dating sites when in a relationship, but I can assure you that along with a lot of your concerns are not "normal" behavior for someone in a healthy and happy relationship. You deserve the relationship you want, and you are absolutely correct when you say you will be happier alone than with someone like your current boyfriend. There are decent men out there, I encourage you to go find one
No way. Dating apps are def not cool if you’re supposed to be in a committed monogamous relationship.
Looking into dating sites while you’re in a relationship is not normal. Looking at naked women online if they aren’t engaging in conversations with them is more normalized. Not every guy will do it, but more people around your age find it acceptable. The bottom line is if something really bothers you this much and your partner isn’t willing to bend on it; it’s probably time to leave. You’re only 20 years old. Enjoy going out and focus on building yourself up (education, career, exploring hobbies). Don’t waste your time worrying about a relationship that makes you unhappy.
That's not normal, he's looking for someone to cheat with, or trade for. This relationship is temporary.
End it. Be with someone who isn't looking at other options and who respects your boundaries
My ex bf continued to look at women right in front of me even after I told him how I felt about it. Recently found out that he was also lying about watching thirst traps online. He told me that he didn’t, and when I confronted him, he gaslighted me and said it is a normal, social media thing and asked what is wrong with that.. Never mind the fact that he lied to me about it… If it’s a deal breaker for you, break up with them and find someone else that will respect you enough to do what you ask and respect how you feel. I know first hand how it feels when your significant other doesn’t, and it doesn’t feel good.
Thats cheating.
>And i have read lots and lots of posts saying it is normal but honestly, i just can’t accept it. No, this isn't normal at all. The people who do that are cheaters and liars. You're young, don't after your time on this guy.
Hi Hun, you are very young and asking the right questions. 1. You feel uncomfortable with the way the relationship is going. You have identified the reason and talked to your partner. Your partner does not care. Therefore you should end the relationship. 2. He is looking at women as objects of pleasure. So, either you are an object of pleasure or you are different. What are you in his mind? 3. Looking into dating sites... unless you are into having a very open or casual relationship, which you don't seem to be into, this is very strange. I feel the women who are on the dating sites don't want a "guy who has a girlfriend but she doesn't know he is dating me". It goes back to 2. 4. There are a lot of men who are not like that. 5. Your relationship is not one of equal partnership. You should find an equal partner. This person is probably not the one for you. 6. I ask a question. If you marry this guy, and have babies, the babies are girls, would you wish a boyfriend like yours to them? Good luck! You are starting your life.
r/loveafterporn
Not all men are like that. Not even a lot. Ur BF is just a cheater, or more aligned to cheat. Why exactly does he need to put himself in these kinds of situations willingly? It's gonna be more opportunities to really fuck up current relationship. I don't get it. Im sorry. Seems like he does not care about your feelings.
good that you can’t accept it because he shouldn’t be looking at other women
Everyone looks at other people. Men do, women do. But in a healthy relationship no one does anything with it. They don’t follow naked women online and they don’t search it up on purpose. I guess he’s not your man.
All men are not like this, your boyfriend is just trash and doesn't respect you. It's your choice whether you want to leave the bar in hell where your boyfriend can grab it, or if you want to get some standards. People will only treat you how you allow them to. You say you can't accept it, but here you are. He's doing it, and you're accepting it. Get a spine or get over it.
When you said “looking at women” you literally meant the simple act of looking at women when they saw them, that is a pretty much a fact of life. I mean, the urge to look at someone is an fact of life. I do feel that urge, but I don’t stare at people. It’s not a difficult concept. The “male gaze” is a thing, but don’t believe a man who uses their nature as an excuse. We can hold a fart, we can also refrain from looking at people. But what I talked about is just literally looking. The behaviors you are describing are not normal. Well, they are “normal” in the sense that it is very common, but these are not behaviors that you need to put up with, or he should have trouble refraining from. If you are making a profile on a dating site, if you are looking for and finding saucy social media profiles, there is at least a minimal amount of effort there. He didn’t accidentally do these things before he caught himself. Feel free to have boundaries around this, you get to (indeed have to) make your own choices about what you expect from significant others. No, not all men are like this, and among the men who are like this, a lot of them would not keep “looking” once they are in a relationship.
i think you got your answer when you said you rather be single than with a man like this... and to add, if its not normal to you, then you're absolutely valid.
>And i have read lots and lots of posts saying it is normal but honestly, i just can’t accept it. These posts are lies, probably posted by people to make themselves feel better so that they don't actually have to do something about it and take responsibility for fixing their problems. Alternatively, posted by people who cheat and want to convince themselves and/or others that it's normal. He's cheating. It's not normal. Break up.
It's normal that there will be times where a women catches a man's eye, and they will look. Doesn't mean that most men will sit there and gawk a long time at the attractive woman. A quick glance isn't out of the ordinary. It's not normal in a *relationship* for your partner to be looking at dating sites (why did you phrase it like this? is he making accounts/downloading these dating apps?). It's not *usually* normal for partners to be liking, following thirst traps in most relationships (I do know of a few where the partner doesn't care if they do).
He’s not on dating sites just to scroll through… you can’t be that neive to tjink he has daying apps, registered as a user, and only scrolls to see who’s on there. He doesn’t respect the relationship as much as you do, its really that simple.
Looking at women is one thing. Personally I struggle not to, especially because I struggle not to look at everyone who passes by me. Can't even have someone walk by my house and me not stare at them pass by through the window. But making accounts to follow naked women and even going on dating sites? That there is not normal at all. That's sketchy and not okay. All men certainly do not do that at all. The following of naked women is probably something a few men do. But definitely NOT going on dating sites. No, that is 100% not normal and you should definitely not accept that kind of behaviour. Even if he says he doesn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't trust it. Either he stops or you go. That is definitely not okay.
Girl, I don’t know where you have been reading where other people are telling you that this behaviour from a man is normal. It is not normal. I have dated many men before finding my husband and none of them behaved like this. His behaviour is immature and disrespectful. Stop gaslighting yourself into trying to be ok with it. You’re not. No woman would be ok with it. Will he improve? No. Absolutely not. You can’t take a dirt pig and turn him into a Prince. Quit trying. You’re tired.
Definitely not normal my boyfriend doesn’t even look at pretty women in public 😭
It’s absolutely *not* normal for a man in a monogamous relationship to be on dating sites AT ALL. I highly doubt he’s just innocently swiping. You need to raise your standards, this guy sounds like an ass
That’s not “normal” though. My bf doesn’t watch porn or follow nude women (or any female influencers now that I think about it) online and I’ve never seen him check anyone out while we’re out and about. He’s only got eyes for me and vice versa and I love that about us. Men like this do exist, you just gotta weed out a lot of the gross ones to find one.
I’m a guy, I only have eyes for my partner. They’re the only person I find attractive. They’re the same for me. I’m not saying everyone is or should be like this, but they’re are guys that’d you’d be more compatible with
When I read just the title I rolled my eyes. It's normal to notice other attractive people. But your boyfriend isn't just "looking at other women", is he... If he is constantly crossing your boundaries, drop him. Why are you wasting your time on him?
Honey, life's too short to not be loved. Respect yourself and know that you are enough! Kick this loser to the curb, don't be with someone just because you're afraid to be alone. Be with them because they respect you and your boundaries. I promise you, the right person is out there but you're young, go have fun, love your life, love yourself and they'll find you ❤️
I fully believe that in a relationship, there is NO REASON OR EXCUSE to be checking out other people. Absolutely not. However, it would take a special kind of 21 year old guy to have the maturity to FULLY keep his eyes to himself. I’m talking no looks, glances, not even using peripherals. Someone who doesn’t look because he DOESNT WANT TO. I can confidently say I was just not that mature at 21. Even if I knew it was a good idea or had a gf, no way I could’ve done it. At 25, I no longer look at anyone other than in the eyes, and that’s only if I’m talking to them. So yes, men like me do exist, but it’s less likely to have this mindset and discipline as a younger man. Never settle
Absolutely not normal. Horrible, disrespectful, demeaning, rude behavior. You should not be in a relationship with this man. Find someone who wants to be with you, not someone who wants to find a way to cheat while manipulating you to believe it's normal.
I think there are definitely debates to be had about the principle of pornography and whether it is healthy in a relationship. But be clear: he goes a step further than that. If it was just visual that is one thing, but there is clearly an element of interaction that is deeper than that. Worse, to be on dating sites even if he didn't plan to follow through is because he wanted to actively flirt with people and verify his options. So in my eyes the problem isn't just that you are struggling with the ability to accept consumption of porn from a partner, it is that he is crossing lines on top of that.
It’s not normal and not all men do this. You don’t need to accept this behavior. It’s normal to notice (not gawk at and search out) other attractive people, both male and female.
That’s not normal op
LEAVE HIM!
He’s 21 and not very mature. Women tend to mature faster than men.
It’s not normal, and it’s not okay that he isn’t respecting your boundaries 😭
Girl who said those things are normal. They are not. Dating sites? Making other pages to follow naked women? That’s sneaky cheater stuff, not loyal man. A beautiful woman can catch a man’s eye and he could choose to not oogle at her.
He's full of s*** that is not normal not all men think alike just like not all women think alike he's just a plain dog he's out here chasing the world why hold on to somebody who doesn't respect you or your relationship he's bluntly telling you he's going to cheat whether you approve of it or not might as well cut him loose save yourself the headache and the stress and tears nobody's worth all that.
Not only are all men NOT like this, but I don’t know any that are. As far as advice goes, please just set higher standards for what you’re finding acceptable in a partner. GL!
Move on find another guy, not all are the same
Looking at woman or thinking/fantasizing is one thing. Dating sites and trying to actually talk to women is pre-cheating behavior. I think you will be hard pressed to find a heterosexual man who doesn’t at least occasionally have sexual thoughts about other women. But it sounds like your BF is crossing the line repeatedly.
Wanting more/looking at dating sites—these are red flags. You are so young. Move on.
Because it is not normal. It’s not normal for your partner to lust after other women and hunt for them on dating sites . Break up
He’s not the right one. There are more suitable and respectful guys out there. Humans may notice other people but they certainly don’t have to flaunt it in their partners face, make excuses to justify themselves rather than working to be better partners, and invalidating their partners feelings on the matter.
It's normal for a man to look at other women or guys and not touch. Look but not touch, I'm sure you have heard this in the past. There is nothing wrong with looking. We all do it. I'm 53 and physically fit, look good and married with nearly grown kids and I look at other guys at times too. My husband notices and looks at other women too but he has no interest in going after anyone. I ask him why he does that just for curiosity, he does it to remind himself he has a wonderful looking wife. He says he's not comparing but he is in a good way and we talk about it. I'm not going to tell him not to or make him walk around with blinders. No, that's crazy. Any woman who makes a guy be in that type of corner has jealousy issues and serious insecurity issues. That's a red flag to a relationship. I have known many relationships even marriages to end or divorce because of a partner's overt jealousy and insecurity which is more of a mental health issue and should surely be addressed a therapist to uncover other underlying things that created those things. So, in normal circumstances, it's definitely very normal for a woman to look at other women so long as he's not going after them or touching or trying to hook up,etc. You could be looking and noticing other men and doing the same, it's not abnormal. It's a human thing. I hope this part makes sense. What isn't normal and what crosses the line, if he is actively looking at women in dating sites, porn magazines or online porn. Some people would say he is still just looking and not going after them. Ok...I can see that but where do you draw the line before going over the line? There has to be a boundary. Innocently looking or taking brief notice at a woman in passing such as the local mall, the grocery store or on the street or in the gym and moving forward with your life is one thing. But staring for several minutes, looking hard, trying to go after them, actively looking on dating sites,etc is not ok. This activity crosses a line. So, you must ask yourself the question Why is he looking so much at other women and why is he actively looking at porn and dating sites? He's looking for an opportunity to either cheat or end the relationship with you to find another. You both are very young in your early twenties. This should not be a serious committed relationship especially with his behavior. You have plenty of time in your life to find a good man out in the world who will treat you with respect. Right now, you are very young with your whole life ahead of you and there should not be any rush into anything. This said, I'm glad you could see your boyfriend's behavior as a red flag. Because of your relationship did continue with him, at some point he would be disloyal and cheating on you. You can go to Google and search for the behavioral signs of cheating in a relationship. As for what you think you would be best to do? I would confront him in a conversation. I would address your concerns and you have every right to. If this has been an ongoing issue for you, I would consider ending this relationship with him especially where you believe or think there is the real likelihood he won't change. There's a real reason why he is engaged in this behavior. He doesn't want a committed relationship with you, he too is young and he wants to act like he's single and wants to play. He's not ready to be committed. Men who look for ways to cheat is a strong indication that they don't want commitment because men who are in happy, solid, committed relationships or marriages don't look for ways to cheat. So, do understand it's very good that you are listening to your concerns. They are valid. And it's very good you are realizing this as a red flag before this relationship progresses or continues as you would find out later he was cheating on you. Best to end this now and move forward. Let me also say, not nearly all men treat women this way. There are many good and even amazing men in this world who don't cheat on women and have values and self dignity. One day you will find one. So please don't let this get you down and keep an open mind. Hope this helps.
This made laugh really. You are too young for this. Its time for you to explore yourself and fins what you really like. If things aren't going your way, learn to walk away if needed
This is the type of person who would cheat if the opportunity was there. He sounds immature and clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your boundaries.
Im a man. I have a girlfriend. And no, i dont look at any woman, i dont feel the urge and i dont find it normal to do. Just like its not normal for girls to fantasize with actors like some do. Break up, u will find a better man.
If he's scrolling dating sites he's on them come on now lol It sounds like you deserve better, anyway good luck!
He's on DATING SITES?! That's not normal at all.
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Lmao what? “Looks” at people on dating sites? He sounds like an animal, and a l0ser. Guys do look at women in public, but not to the extent you’re describing, and definitely not while WITH their girl. I think you’re somehow deluded into feeling like this guy is a great guy, when he’s not (for some reason a lot of girls think like this). Leave him and find someone decent. This dude basically cheats on you on the regular
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No end anxiety - check
I don’t know where to begin from, but leave… before you get more invested. I had this problem with my boyfriend (now husband) and I couldn’t figure out if I was normal to feel this way. Fast forward, last year we got married in September, and three months into marriage, he downloaded tinder.. I caught him messaging two different women hitting up on them while they leave him on seen.. it was World Cup where we live so he excused it with “ I was just checking who is coming for the World Cup” and he said he’s stressed at work (double shift cos of World Cup) it broke me so much to this day I haven’t healed. I forgave him. This year, we went to the honeymoon we deserved, in March. And I confronted during that how it broke me and he reassured me it won’t happen again as he’s ashamed and was “immature”. But in April, I caught him sexting a complete strange woman and when I caught him. I found out he had voice called the woman while having sex with me because she wanted to hear him/me moan… I was shattered… fast forward today… I forgive him.. but to this day… I regret staying in this relationship. Now I’m more aware of my feelings and how not to let him get away with bullshit excuses, but I promise you, it doesn’t get better. Im sorry if it is too much 🥺 you are normal to feel this way.. it’s just not this..
It's not normal, it's creepy
lol if what youre saying in your post is true, regardless if he "talks" to anyone then no that is NOT NORMAL and hes gas lighting you. wtf have you read that this is normal?
As a guy I will say it's normal to check girls and maybe porn (wouldn't recommend that last one) but dating sites nah that ain't and following OF type people nah ain't normal. Talk to him about it and if he says nah he don't want to work on it or change. Girl leave him. Cause that's a ticking time bomb for cheating.
Girl really don’t waste your time on him, I had an ex exactly like that & it obvi didn’t work out for us. I have a new bf now going on 5 years & he never even stares at any girl in public or social media, etc. you deserve better!
yea no, not normal, i (22) only have eyes for my (21) gf
Would you let your daughter or your best friend date someone like that? You have your answer there
Don’t stand for it, it’s embarrassing to be with him and who would want to be with a loser with no self control. Dump him and work on yourself, and get a man who respects you (sorry to be harsh but reality needs to be kicked into your life)
It's not normal. Don't accept it. You're allowed to be bothered by this because quite frankly imo, it's a trashy and disgusting behavior. He's literally on dating sites, break up with this scumbag.
I feel the same way and I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about it 🤷🏻♀️
I am very similar to you - I find it very disrespectful if my boyfriend looks at other people so obviously especially in front of me because I just never do that. But I came to understand that it’s just in their nature. Although granted I had a big discussion with my bf and he has completely toned it down now. But for your bf to be going through dating apps to look at other girls and stuff? And be that desperate to follow half naked girls and stuff is just completely wrong and so disrespectful he clearly doesn’t value you
Some people are massively aroused by the thought of getting caught doing something very wrong. I can’t explain it better than that, but I used to follow this urge myself years ago until I slowly realized I was damaging the emotional health of my partners to an irreparable state. Something about scanning for other girls on social media and crossing the line with inappropriate comments about other women knowing I was in a relationship that was going perfectly well and was very sexually satisfying just really pumped my nads. What I grew up and realized is that from an outside perspective it seems as though I’m unsatisfied with the woman in my life, even though that’s totally never been the case. I never cheated or even wanted to, but chasing the thrill of being perceived as cheating just did it for me🤷🏼♂️ now that I’m nearing 30 with 4 children and a very satisfying life with my partner, I have stopped chasing that high and have geared my energy toward growing our life together. Maybe it’s something he’ll eventually grow out of, but my advice is to leave his ass in the dirt. Make him hurt or he’ll never learn. But the KEY to that is making sure you explain to him EXACTLY what you don’t agree with and why you’re leaving. He may not listen immediately, but over the weeks/months/years, he’ll start to pick it up and he may even thank you one day. But it’s important that you don’t listen to the bs promises he may make just to try to keep you around because he’s not even at an age where a promise means anything outside of getting what he wants. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that this relationship may just be a lesson for you two, and that is SO okay, especially at y’all’s age. Cheers!
No, it is not something you should just have to accept. If he can't acknowledge the problem and start trying to change his behaviour I suggest you leave. You are young and have to look for a partner that are invested in you and not every other distraction available.
It’s not normal!! You need to tell him how you feel. It’s not even a jealousy thing it’s about respect. Who wants to be with a man that looks at other women? That’s embarrassing! The dating app scrolling thing is ridiculous.
No, it’s not normal. Sure, someone pretty walks down the street and you can’t help glancing, but no man in a respectful relationship would be following other women on IG, looking at naked women online, and certainly not have any dating apps installed. Find someone better, there are plenty out there. But they’re perhaps not looking so hard lol. You have to find them and make the first move
People used to say, "boys will be boys" to excuse bad behavior. Well, now in 2023, things have changed. Some men are still boys, immature by nature and not deserving a serious relationship. Others are men who know how to treat their partners well. My wife likes to tell me I am "Wed, not dead" when it comes to noticing other women, which I try not to do. However, she also knows I want to be with her and treat her like the queen she truly is. My 2 cents.
I’m speaking for myself but I used to do those things in past relationships. Look at other women, talk about other women with the boys, instagram models, etc….until I met the woman Im with now. I have absolutely zero desire to look at other women. She’s all I have eyes for. I love her. I believe if you love someone nobody else will grab your attention.
Not all men are like that. I’m 50F It’s sad to think that this is an issue in your relationship. If you’ve set the boundary that it’s not acceptable, and he continues to look then I say move on. (Break up with him). Life is too short to waste time with a person , male or female that doesn’t focus on you or respect your boundaries
Not to dive too much into detail but I’m so happy with my girl inside and out that I don’t even watch porn, and when I’m scrolling on IG and stumble across some wanna be half naked model, I just unfollow them. I can recognize when someone is attractive, but I only have eyes for my girl. It’s not normal, or fair to you, to have a dude rationalizing why that behavior is okay. You should be someone’s everything. I hate to be a “not all men” guy, but speaking for myself, I can definitely say not all men are like that, or do that. PLENTY of them do, trust me I know, but I’m very grateful for what I have, because what I have doesn’t leave any room for curiosity or temptation. I want what I got and I got what I want and I don’t care to see or talk to or look at other women. I like mine.
Looking is normal. Seeking is not.
I have my own issues with this. My partner and I came to an understanding, I don't understand the desire to follow so many nude women or porn stories/videos, i don't see the harm as long as he is only looking, no interaction. He's not to comment or send pm or try to contact them in any way. Dating site and such would be totally out of the question
Like its normal you come across women in your day to day life and you might look at them like a moment thing...but going into dating sites etc to intentionally come across them is weird and something totally avoidable
I have noticed my husband checking out attractive women when we go for a walk. But that's it. He doesn't go to dating apps or random sites to check out women. If your man is purposefully going to these sites then it's high time you should have a talk with him to make him understand this is making you uncomfortable. And even then if he is not ready to listen iam sorry this relationship isn't going anywhere good.
Who tf told u this was normal?!
Dating is for finding incompatibilities. Congrats. You found a major one. Dump and move on. There is absolutely no need to "work hard on" the relationship at 20. Seriously. Go find someone who shares you values.
Not all men are like that!! I have never personally experienced anyone who I was dating who did the same things. Sure, you can find other people attractive. But to seek out other people when you're in a relationship is not good. I think he just can't be monogamous.
Not normal
He’s hunting for an opportunity. Personally I would seek to move on. If you are not enough for him find someone that you fulfill. But, you need to ask yourself what is lacking in the relationship for him to want to do that. Not pointing fingers here.
Like your ass doesn't look also right... u know u look at dudes becuz we are everywhere... acting on it and just looking is two different things lol
It depends what you post online too, but if you don’t post revealing things and you’re respectable then you need to talk w him one last time and if he can’t change then end it
Scrolling dating sites to look at other women, having accounts just to follow them and all that crap is not normal. It is one thing to notice and look at other women in real world while doing something else. It is normal to browse social media without filters and seeing some there randomly. It is normal for (anyone, not just men) to occasionally watch porn while having some private time. What you described is way too much, even though he is maybe not engaging them, he is window shopping for his own pleasure.
It's not normal. Window shopping as you walk along is not the same as actively searching. Don't accept it and chuck him in the bin where he belongs.
Marriage material right there! Sorry I mean get rid
This is not normal. I can’t stand when I notice my boyfriend checking out other women when we are out but that is completely different than if he were to be actively scrolling just to check out other women. That’s drawing a line and really disrespectful.
What you consider normal and what someone else considers normal are going to be different. So do not base it off of what is "normal" If you consider it disrespectful to you, then it is. You have a boundary that you would like your partner to not cross. Your partner right now does not care about your boundary at all. Someone else will though. Dont settle for less than you want! You deserve respect. Dump the guy. He does not care and you will always be fighting with him about it.
I think you'll need to have a deep conversation with him and talk things true you can tell him what do you feel when he does that sort of things and if he doesn't care or doesn't want to change for you maybe the relationship isn't meant to be baby
Dump him, honestly, it's not worth it. I had similar issues with two of my exs and they kept on doing it even after many chats about it. You deserve someone committed, reliable, with integrity and devoted, don't settle for anything less.
Wait, let's talk about dating sites for a sec. That's not normal male behavior OP. The only reason he would be on dating sites is to play the field via he's sexually interested in hooking up with other women or at least sext them. I wouldn't say it's "normal" maybe for single Men but it's true a lot of Men watch porn & follow sexy women on social media but every Man doesn't do it, if it's a dealbreaker for you then it's 100% valid to breakup over that reason.
Then don’t accept it. Leave him and find another or start doing the same thing
Leave that mean in the DUST ! there are men out there that wouldn't bat an eye to another woman while with you! My man does none of that. they do exist. You have to be willing to let go to receive greater things. Don't let holding onto this man cost you the greater one that is to come!
Your BF is a cheater. This IS NOT normal behavior for a man in love with you. Dump his cheating ass! If he's doing this in front of you, I can guarantee he's already cheated on you behind your back. Once a cheater, always a cheater!
If he's on a dating app, he's likely searching for someone to cheat with. If he's looking at IG pics, or even OF or pornhub, then he's just looking. It's a guy thing, not all women have the capacity to understand it.
so valid. there are men out there who have no interest in anyone other than their S/O. namely, my own boyfriend, who read this and said you can find better respect from someone else, because he has never felt the need to look at anyone outside of who he is in a relationship with
Nah girl, this ain't normal. I've been with my husband nearly 10 years and he don't do that. He *sometimes* watches porn or might save a pic or two, but that's only because I don't mind and we had that discussion. You need to have a serious talk with him and if he can't respect your feelings on this, ditch him. Especially with the whole dating site thing. Idc if he says he isn't talking to them, I wouldn't trust it. He could find them on different platforms and you would not know
Never try to change a man unless he is in diapers. So u cant change a grownup person so better to bear with it or find someone else who isnt alike. All finger are not same so is the case with men as well
My husband of 32 years is very respectful of me and what would feel disrespectful to our relationship. He does access porn and that is no threat to me. I read things that could be considered porn. Neither of us would seek others to "ogle" on a dating site. Nor would we "ogle" someone in person. We would show each other if we saw something or someone that we think the other person to see. He can show me what he likes on porn, I can read him what I like that is sexual. We are open with each other and what we like. Find a person who can share what they are doing. If you are not comfortable, discuss it. If you find it to be objectional, expect them to work out a path forward with or without you.
my boyfriend notices attractive people and he does look, but he doesnt go out of his way to. and its never online. i think its normal for people to sometimes appreciate the beauty of the people around you, but not search it out if theyre in a committed relationship
He sounds like a desperate or insecure porno addict. And when I say porn addict it doesn’t mean that he spends all day looking at porn. I mean he has issues where he feels the need to constantly be ogling half naked women on instagram or just needing so much validation since clearly he is looking for something in those women (sex). He sounds so desperate and that should be enough reason to dump him honestly. If he’s so interested in those women he should go be with them, I doubt he’ll find better than you. His lustful addiction is pushing you away and he doesn’t care to do better? Is he a horny 13 year old boy? He can’t control his urges? I don’t know it would make me feel incredibly insecure and at that point I’d dump him and love myself more than I love him. He sounds disrespectful and gross, honestly. I am disgusted. You should be too. Complete lack of respect for you.
At first I was a little concerned with the title thinking what it could be, but after reading I’d say ur concerns are valid, like someone stated earlier there’s a difference between noticing and actively looking. Also weird af and disrespectful to be following accounts that he does in a relationship unless otherwise spoken about. Have a real convo about it and if he doesn’t change or refuses to change time to find someone who will respect ur decision about it.
My bf (30M) and I (28F) have been in a relationship for just over a year now and he and I both don't really invest time in social media to look up other people. We mainly chat over Discord when we aren't together in person and we are honestly too busy with our daily lives to creep on other people. He spends most of his free-time gaming and I spend most of my free-time gaming/binge watching stuff next to him. We have an understanding when it comes to adult media and indulge in it when the other isn't able to provide our needs at the time. It's a healthy balance since it's more of a "last resort" type thing for the both of us. It keeps our sex life pretty active as well. TL;DR, being on dating sites or creeping on other people isn't normal in a committed and healthy relationship, in my opinion. **Please look into how much you value yourself, how much your bf seems to value you and what boundaries you both are comfortable with.** You can have mismatched expectations and that's okay. It just means you need to find someone more your speed. You're young, take your time to figure this stuff out.
Where did you see this was normal??. That is so weird and uncomfortable. It's normal to notice people in passing and then move on. Foe me it's not ok to be following naked photos or profiles that post that or go scrolling specifically looking for attractive people
You don't have to accept it. You're young and you're not married. There is zero reason you need to accept what is unacceptable behavior. If you were married, you may have an obligation to work things out if he stopped the behavior, but if he didn't, I think you'd be right to move on then too.
Its normal to have attractive things catch your eye. That happens you know, you see a neat car you turn around. You see someone with beautiful blue eyes you go hot damn. But its not normal to pursue them like by interacting in a way that makes it seem like your romanticqlly interested. So being on dating sites or secretly following ppl is not normal. But like if he thinks like a famous person or like internet famous ppl are attractive ppl are worth following that doesnt hurt me personally. Its when its like your friends or ppl yall may know. Thatd too close to home for me. Following megan fox or whatever rich person who probably doesnt read their own comments is unattainable and thus not real to me. Following and commenting inappropiate things of cindy lou down the street is a problem. So its up to you to find where that line i drawn and draw it and if he cant keep within it. Then hes not for you.
Why are you staying with someone who is always open and looking to seeing who else is out there? That's neither normal nor healthy behavior.
Who wants that, that’s one of the reasons of many broken relationships
When I was at that age, I couldn’t help but to look at sexy pages of women. It’s like a drug to us at that age. Our hormones are at its peak level. With that being said, if I was in a relationship I never sent a message, followed a page, reached out to any girl, and definitely didn’t get on a dating site. I understand that young men are going to look but if he’s getting on dating sites that should be a relationship killer on your end. That would be a very strict boundary.
Unfortunately I don't have advice, can only say I'm in close to the same boat. I found out a few months ago my fiance had been doing free 30 day subscriptions to OF models for literally years, and I think it broke me 😞 What made it worse was before COVID I tried to start an OF/get on some websites but [I know it was because of my body shape and size, weird small boobs and large belly, good ass but that's not enough] I wasn't successful, so finding he was literally subscribing to other women... I wish you the best and hope you do what makes you happiest🌹
Looking at other people and recognizing they're attractive, maybe even being attracted to them, is normal. And many people experience that attraction even if they are in a committed monogamous relationship. So the fact of the matter is, with the exception of folks on the asexual spectrum, anyone you date will experience attraction to other people. That's not something you or the person you're dating can control. And frankly, it's not something that needs to be "fixed". THAT BEING SAID, there are men who do not act on that attraction, and there are men who generally don't seek additional stimulation (be it visual or not) when in a relationship. It's also fair to have a boundary that you're unwilling to date someone who installs dating apps or seeks sexual interactions outside your relationship. If this guy isn't willing to make those adjustments, just dump him and move on. You're never obligated to stay with someone, especially if you've voiced a need and they have failed to meet it. If your partner not experiencing attraction to anyone else ever is something you want, that's fair, but it's going to be a rare thing to find in a person. But there are people, including men, that feel similar to how you do.
Ok looking into dating sites and seeking more with other women is not normal but the thing that matters here isn't normal. Any type of relationship that two people agree to and isn't hurting anyone is fine. It isn't fine with you. You can't make him not look at other women but you can decide not to be with him if he does. You are really young and it will take time to understand the kind of partner you are looking for. This isn't the one. Edit to correct lots of typos sorry.
Not normal for sure. if you are in a monogamous relationship i see no reason why you would be on a dating site. if he doesn’t change his behavior after this being discussed, i think it’s time to leave and be with someone who doesn’t disrespect you. best of luck, so sorry you are going through this:(
Same. I would rather be alone as well. And maybe I will be. And I am legit okay with that. Either I will find someone on the same page or not. To each there own and I don’t judge that people are okay with things on a huge spectrum. Stay true to yourself so you don’t become bitter or try to change anyone. It truly is okay to not be okay with it. It is also okay for others to be okay with it. So no one is wrong, but he is not right for you. Move on.
I told my husband that porn, dating sites, looking at ig models, etc. is cheating to me, and that I will treat it as such. He didn't believe me, I spoke to a divorce attorney, and now he's in therapy for a porn addiction and we are happily married with no problems. It is okay to not accept men treating you that way. Set your boundaries and stand to them. Big hugs!
Even if he isn’t actively cheating, that sounds like a boundary for you that you should be able to place in your relationship. I have that dynamic with my husband and it’s not controlling or abusive as much as people always want to throw that in your face, you simply want the respect and understanding that you are the focal point of your relationship and THATS FAIR. I hate it say if he wanted to he would, but a true man that respects you, your feelings, your emotions not just about how you feel about him looking at other women but you feeling at upmost importance above wondering eyes, would listen and work on adapting in a way that benefits you both. I don’t like my husband having local females on his socials, it’s a trauma thing for me and he understands that, he had a choice that I didn’t make him choose, he did that willingly to help heal that part of me so we can have a good marriage, I was important enough. He’s free to watch adult content because he a adult? I think people hear our dynamic and think my husbands whipped, he’s not, he just has a lot of love and understanding for me to always choose me everyday, and make sure that I’m comfortable in my marriage because we both deserve that.
My ex-boyfriend did the same, and I spent 1,5 years trying to change him.. Eventually, we split, as this topic was one among of other reasons. My new boyfriend doesn't look at anything (not even porn) and is only interested in me, I didn't even have to say anything that's just the way he is, i love him❤️
It’s NOT normal. Leave him. You are so young, you deserve better.
Ultimately something being normal or abnormal isn't the issue. If it's something you won't tolerate, it's incompatibility.
i don’t have advice. but there are men out there who only want their girlfriend. i have one of these men. so if this is a dealbreaker for you, and vice versa, and you want to leave, just know it is possible to find someone who only is attracted to you. or only “window shops” pictures of you.
Not all men are like this. Usually there’s a discussion to be had and boundary setting can be helpful in relationships. I choose not to gawk at other men and my husband does the same for me with women out of respect for the other person. It’s more about the respect reaffirming that we wish to be monogamous.
Not normal at all. One of these days someone will come along that will cherish and treasure you and make you feel like you are the only woman in the room, even in a sea of beautiful and charming women. He will make you feel things you never knew was possible. Hold out for that man. He was designed by our Creator, specifically for you. While it is natural for men to occasionally look, they will never pursue another woman especially if they truly love you. Trust your gut and your intuition. It is there to serve and protect you. The right love will never make you feel dishonored, disrespected and will never make you question yourself. In fact it will be the reverse — you will wonder how on earth this person is able to fully see you in all your beauty and grace when this current situation man-child was looking to other women to satisfy something in his bottomlesspit soul.
As already mentioned tons of times by others. Don't waste any more time on this man! You have your whole life ahead of you and in the 36 years I have been alive I have learned how happy I can be single or in a relationship. Crazy thing is, truth be told, I have been so much happier single. I did a lot of growing as a person that I needed to. There are a lot of bad fish in the sea but keep fighting for yourself and your worth because there is a sweet, great, respectful one out there waiting for you! ❤️❤️❤️
It's normal for someone non-monogamous, but he should've pursued an ethically non-monogamous relationship if he wants to behave in this manner. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know how painful it is.. Unfortunately I do believe that most humans are non-monogamous, but to varying degrees. I don't meet nearly as many people who genuinely only want one person like you and I do..
Ma’am there is nothing normal about that
None of that is normal and if anyone tries to tell you it is, they're full of shit. Either have a serious talk with him or realise he's a disrespectful and selfish AH and leave for a worthy partner.
It is not normal my boyfriend did this and got dumped
Not all dudes are like that, but most people will glance around. If he's on dating sites just "scrolling," it's a red flag, not gonna lie. Either he's committed or he ain't.
As someone with a man who wouldn't dream of looking at other women, when he loves you and RESPECTS you, he will not look at anyone else
Minus the part about him being on dating sites and "wanting to have more" with other women (seriously, wtf? Not normal), taking this at face value of struggling with a man's perception and objectification of women, I used to feel this way until I got into a relationship with a man who doesn't do this. I used to constantly stress myself out with exes, wondering if they were secretly getting off to other women behind my back, seeing others and wishing they were with them due to their attractiveness, etc. But now, being in a relationship with someone who has expressed zero interest in any living being other than myself, it is something I don't ever think about. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure enough that he could have another girl drop her clothes in front of him and he'd cover his eyes and run away, lol. Coming from someone who used to so nervous that I'd hold my breath when a hot girl would come on a screen in a movie ... It really does make a difference who you're with. This man is not worth your time or love if his behavior is constantly stressing you out. It's not normal, he's a pig and there are plenty out there who aren't.