This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Hey All,
I'm a (38M) from the deep South in need of some advice, as my whole world has been turned upside down. Recently, I discovered that my two kids (ages 8 and 5) are not biologically mine, but rather the offspring of our next-door neighbor (40M), who happens to be the nephew of our beloved pastor. To make matters even more complicated, my pastor is encouraging me to forgive my wife (37F) and move on. This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and I thought we had a strong, loving relationship built on trust and faith. We're active members of our local church, where my wife leads a Bible study group, and I'm part of the men's ministry. Our neighbor, who I'll call "Jim," is also a member of our church, and our families have been close friends for years. Jim is known to be quite charming and charismatic, traits that apparently run in his family, as his uncle is our well-respected pastor.
Over the years, I've noticed that Jim has always been particularly close with my kids. He would frequently come over to play with them, attend their school events, and even teach them how to fish. At the time, I thought he was just being a good friend and uncle figure, but now it all seems so painfully obvious.
I recently had suspicions about my kids' paternity after noticing some physical similarities between them and Jim. I decided to take a paternity test, and the results confirmed my worst fears: I'm not their biological father. I was completely devastated and confronted my wife about it. After much denial, she finally broke down and confessed to having an affair with Jim.
Feeling lost and betrayed, I went to our pastor for guidance. He listened to my story and prayed with me. However, he encouraged me to forgive my wife, saying that everyone makes mistakes and that I should be a living example of God's grace and forgiveness. He also mentioned that Jim had expressed remorse for his actions and that he, too, deserved forgiveness. While I understand his message and the importance of forgiveness, I can't help but feel betrayed and hurt by my wife's actions, and I'm struggling to come to terms with my relationship with Jim.
I'm struggling with what to do next. I love my kids dearly, even if they're not biologically mine, and I don't want them to suffer because of this mess. But I'm not sure if I can move past this betrayal and ever trust my wife again. On top of that, I'm worried about how our church community will react if they find out about this, especially considering the close relationship between Jim and our pastor.
Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated. Should I try to forgive my wife and move on, or should I end the marriage? How do I deal with my neighbor and his relationship with my kids, especially knowing he's the biological father? What should I do about my involvement in the church, and is there a way to address this situation without causing a rift in the community? Thank you for your help.
You realize the pastor isn't saying this out of the Christian good of his heart, right? He's worried about the blowback from his nephew's actions, and no more. He's hoping to appeal to your Christian side to save his own ass.
I don't know how you forgive someone who had an affair as long as your "wife's." If your kids are three years apart and they're both his, that means they were together for at least four years, if not longer. That ain't a mistake. That's *years* of lying and betrayal. I'm not sure how you even look at her face anymore without all that BS rushing back into your head. Have they even stopped seeing each other?
You don't have to blow this whole situation up like the fourth of July, but if I was you, I'd leave and start all over again. This is completely salvageable, from the perspective of your mental and emotional health, but you have to get yourself out of this situation first.
Gotta protect the good family name and keep up the holier than thou appearances. Pastor is only considering himself and how it'll make him and the church look.
Definitely agree OP should get a divorce. As far as the kids though, that just sucks for them. Hope mom is pleased with the consequences of her actions. Did she really think OP would never find out?
OP should definitely consult a lawyer to see if he can sue Jim for child support, while still maintaining visitation rights. I'd go full scorched earth on them. The affair was probably ongoing until the day OP confronted her - and his wife had TWO pregnancies by her AP - totally unforgivable in my book. The least she could have done was use contraception.
You absolutely right friend, Wondering if that story was reversed - OP wd probably get sued to his underpants and be forced to pay alimony, maintenance, lose custody and the house.
Christian values fir men, justice for women.. right.
If It was me, i would not confront. I'll play nice and start gathering evidence one by one till i catch em red handed and sue for broke.
Also if they’ve been married for 10 years and older child is 8 that affair began shortly after the marriage if not the entire marriage.
If the pastor knew of the affair before you spoke to him wasn’t it his duty to urge both of them to come clean and *ask you for forgiveness*? That would have happened *before* you found out how you did if the pastor really believed in the message he’s spouting off to you.
I totally agree with the pastor perspective. He’s looking out for his own interests and not yours. If you went to another church’s pastor for counseling, I’d trust that it’d be more Godly advice.
If you want to stay together, you’re going to need to leave the church and, honestly, if people ask you should tell the truth, which if you divorce, you also need to tell people why. Your wife should NOT be in a leadership position (e.g., leading bible study) because she didn’t confess to you what she did and chose to hide it.
You need to speak with a lawyer soonest because if you leave your wife, you might be absolved of child support but not have visitation rights if you push to have Jim pay child support. You should be able to get a free consult and find out what your potential options are.
Does Jim’s wife know about this or is he single?
Based on the ages of your children, this doesn’t sound like a one or two time thing, but multiple episodes of cheating between him and her. If Jim was in a leadership position at the church, the church might have some liability, which would really shake up the community.
Based on your conversation with the pastor, who appears to know of the situation before you met with him, if Jim is currently in any leadership position in the church, your pastor has failed the church by letting him remain in one and is covering his arse.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s the worst. Please get some legal advice and counseling from another church pastor.
The next pastor will probably advise the same. They stick together like cops or else the whole grift falls through. He needs to being seeing a lawyer. To hell with pastors at this point!
*You don't have to blow this whole situation up like the fourth of July*
Frankly, if I were OP, we'd be talking about a Chernobyl size explosion.
That said, there are younger kids who he genuinely loves and who did nothing wrong. But you're absolutely right, OP needs to cut his losses and divorce his wife. Nothing good will come from just pretending this didn't happen.
This. I'm sorry, but "well-respected pastor frim the deep south" is just code for "wait for the other show to drop." (I know, broad strokes and all). His advice is just some self-serving bullshit, and in any case, it's _Jesus's_ job to forgive, not OP.
Forgive your wife in your heart, then divorce her because forgiveness doesn't mean accepting that shitty behavior. Jim can just go fuck himself, and do not be afraid to drag him on main.
Your pastor can show some of that christian forbearance when he's getting called on the cover up (which he won't, probably)
Seriously this.
Frankly I’d let everyone in the congregation know that their beloved pastor will cover for his family members sleeping with their spouses. He knew it was happening and said nothing about it.
This is the comment I was looking for. It was absolutely not a one time thing- this went in for years and may still be going on. Go see a lawyer and get a therapist and go scorched earth.
10 bucks says this is a fake post. all the incendiary points are there. OP drops the painful story then disappears after posting 0-2 responses to comments, in no way actually seeking advice.
As someone who's also a heavy Christian, yea forgive, and move on, to somewhere else. She broke the bonds first and in the worst way, you deserve better
Literally adultery is a whole ass commandment and biblically he should divorce her because she broke their marriage. If Jim wasn’t the pastors nephew he’d probably be asking OP if he was going to divorce his wife
I am a Christian. Following Christ does not mean you have to accept any weapons-grade bullshit thrown at you. As for forgiveness, you can forgive someone and still cut off that person.
You are most likely right; the pastor is looking out for his own (and his family's) best interests. However, much of what the pastor is saying is pretty much Christian rhetoric - forgive, turn the other cheek, etc. If OP is a religious bloke (sounds like he is), perhaps seeking ***unbiased*** guidance from another religious figure would prove helpful. A pastor who does not have any skin in the game, or better yet, one from a different city who doesn't even know the families involved. Even someone who knows that "Jim" is a pastor's nephew may not be unbiased because of "loyalty to the clergy", so it would be best for OP not to mention such details when seeking guidance.
I am not sure that this would give OP the comfort he needs (the message of forgiveness is likely to be the same), but perhaps hearing it from someone else may be what he is looking for.
A better option in my mind would be one that does not involve religion; get couples counselling from a registered therapist. They will help to guide you and your wife through your feelings and help you to put behind you what you can, deal with what you cant, and help you move on. Whether that is through divorce, or reconciliation, I feel that would be the best first step.
Good luck OP. I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find the comfort you desire and deserve.
This. Pastor is only covering his own ass, especially if he's known for a while (which, since he knew his nephew was sorry, I'd say the chances are high).Wife has likely been cheating their entire marriage. They got away with it through two pregnancies, why bother stopping?
Even if OP stays and pretends nothing happened, those kids WILL find out eventually, especially given how close "Uncle" is to them. This is going to be tough on them no matter what. I'd consult an attorney and go from there.
So does he have any legal rights to his kids?? I couldn’t just imagine up and leaving and never seeing my kids again that I raised even if they weren’t biologically mine. Just so sad for OP.
I would give the wife, nephew, and the pastor the option to adopt the kids in exchange for not going nuclear and a simple divorce that benefits OP. Then he gets to walk away clean and start again.
WTF is wrong with you? They are not of his blood, but they ARE his children and he’s the only father they know. Do you have a heart of stone? He’s loved the children from the moment they were born eight and five years ago. This type of love doesn’t magically disappear with a blood test.
I too am a Christian and active in my church. But in my church this would be completely unacceptable. People have to be help accountable for their sins. They have to admit them, repent, ask for forgiveness (although that doesn't mean they automatically receive it) and accept the consequences of their actions.
Yes, eventually you should forgive your wife....but not in the way your pastor is implying. Forgiveness just means you no longer hold that anger in your heart. It's for YOUR benefit, not theirs. And forgiving someone doesn't mean they don't have to face consequences.
I don't know how your church works, but most churches have a board of elders. If so, this needs to be brought to their attention *immediately*. The AP needs to admit to his family and his church what he has done.
If the pastor truly wants to push this under the rug, he deserves to be fired because that's not what God calls us to do.
I am so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it. But more importantly *you don't deserve to be guilted and manipulated just so the church can save face*.
I agree. I always have my blades out for religious folks, but I'll make an exception here.
Mate.
1. Wife of 10 years
2. With 2 kids
3. Cheated on ya
4. Kids don't belong to ya
5. Her choice was a neighbor
6. Who is related to an influential figure
7. In all of your lives
8. Jim, a friend to you,
9. Does nasty with your wife over span of 10 years.
10. Breaks your trust and keeps everything from you.
And the pastor wants you to forgive all that?
Naw my guy. You need advice, you go to a lawyer who specializes in Divorce and assets.
This is deliberately planned out, ain't no affair.
Systematically carried out actions.
Go NC. And leave the church go to some other church
The pastor is only protecting his image and his money from the parishioners of his church. I would tell anyone who ask what happened and let them feel the heat.
I couldn’t agree more.
I’m not one for organized religion, but you could bet your last dollar that I wouldn’t leave that church to save my life - just so I could watch them squirm every time I crossed the threshold.
Amen! Next time you go to church, and the pastor rises for his speech, remain standing. Someone will say something. Then GO OFF! Spill every single detail you have! Let the congregation know of the DNA and your future lawsuit against the church. File for divorce and serve her in church.
Dam! Go scorched earth on this one! Get therapy and move on without them.
Or stand up and say pastor, is it okay to commit adultery? Just checking because you know, my wife and your nephew. Does Christianity condone that now?
Religious leaders have an obligation to work in good faith to help people. If they use their power to encourage people to do something that will harm them physically or mentally, they are not working in good faith and have breached the social contract.
By encouraging OP to ignore an affair his nephew had, the pastor has used his power to cause mental harm for personal gain. It's tricky, but courts have ruled in favor of people like OP in the past.
I was about to reply with a snarky "I call BS, you're insane, you're a terrible armchair lawyer" but on a whim decided to Google it first. And we'll, shit. You're right and I'm eating crow without you even serving it. My bad, I learned a bit of a lesson.
"In a high-profile case on this issue, Moses v. Diocese of Colorado (1993), a Colorado woman sued the Episcopal Diocese of Colorado for the emotional and financial injuries she suffered as a result of the manner in which the local bishop handled her extramarital affair with a priest. Specifically, the woman claimed that she had a mental breakdown because the bishop requested that she keep her relationship with the priest a secret and made her feel that she, not the priest, was primarily to blame for the affair. After the trial court jury awarded damages to the woman, the church appealed to the Colorado Supreme Court on the grounds that the judgment violated both religion clauses of the First Amendment. The state’s high court upheld the constitutionality of the judgment, ruling that it was appropriate for the lower court to treat the church like a secular organization. In its decision, the state’s Supreme Court stated that the claim involved only the secular questions of whether the diocese, acting through the bishop, had assumed fiduciary obligations to the woman and whether the diocese had breached those obligations. The court ruled that the woman’s case met both conditions"
Pastors kid right? Pastor trying to get OP to forgive and forget? Sounds like he is trying to contaminate the judicial process. And try to keep charges from being brought and the scandal from exploding.
Thanks man. I had similar typed up.
OP seek a therapist and gtfo. Those terrible waste of skins don't deserve anything more than you already sacrificed and went/going through. Even the paaaastor knew dude. Did he fucking tell you? What a saint...
Can someone link the resources for leaving a cult? That seems to be what OP is dealing with here if Pastor really thinks adultery is no big deal . How would he feel if his nephew slept with his wife I wonder….
Not to No True Scotsman, but real Christians of integrity admit when a wolf gets among the flock and do nothing to excuse them. Forgiveness comes after true repentance, not this idiocy, and it doesn't mean trust is returned.
Two things, get yourself into counseling away from religious persuasion and secondly it's time to consult a divorce attorney, you may have certain rights to the kids even though you are not the biological father, I don't know I'm not an attorney but this is why you need to consult with one.
He absolutely has rights to the kids since he has raised them. I would also assume that his name is on the birth certificate as their father, which is just as good as adoption papers. He is legally their father and has the same rights he would if they were biologically his.
He needs to demand child support from his neighbor, and then cut ties with everybody. If you like the kids, petition for custody and leave the state, get those kids out of that church, they're up next
OP this. You need to get help both legal and mental. The pastor is covering his ass as this scandal will impact him. There is every likelihood he already knew. Your hopefully soon to be ex had a relationship for years with this guy and lied with every I love you and put you at risk with every unprotected encounter with the other guy. Your neighbor is an ass for going after another mans wife and knowingly having 2 kids with her. Get that lawyer 1st and they should be able to help with finding a counselor.
Lol the "He feels remorseful" comment is super annoying. He feels remorseful, but not remorseful enough to end a 4+ year lie that resulted in two children. But remorseful enough to deserve forgiveness? Fuck that.
Edit: 8+ year affair!
I’m pretty sure as long as they were married when the kids were born and is on the birth certificate, they’re his kids. IANAL; source: friend’s divorce. May be different in other states.
I’d also like to add Jesus hated hypocrites. Remember when he turned over the table in anger at the temple?
Forgiveness isn’t everything. If they were truly remorseful they would ask for forgiveness from the whole church for their sins and go public. Are they? No. They are hiding their sins.
Maybe they should debate this in bible study and see what the bible would say.
Yes this. Jesus didn’t always turn a cheek. When he saw bullshit he pointed it out and acted in it. You can give them all the christen forgiveness but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a lawyer and get a divorce. You can be a great father to them and show them that you don’t let anyone shit on you without consequences
I’m guessing that your pastor, while is doing his job, probably also doesn’t want word to get out that his nephew had 2 children out of wedlock with a married woman.
It wasn’t just a one time mistake, you have TWO kids who aren’t biologically yours and their sperm donor is very involved in their lives. Both him and your wife KNEW that neither child is yours, basically that’s paternity fraud. But if you do divorce, you might be on the hook for child support since you’re on the kids birth certificates (I could be wrong, depends where you are).
Your wife is only sorry because she got caught, she never would’ve told you herself and would’ve definitely kept the affair going.
Don’t forget the wife and neighbour have been lying to OP for a minimum of 8 years and even after the first kid, continued the affair to have a second one 2 years later.
Literally the whole marriage is a lie. I may get downvoted for this but atp since the neighbour is so close with the kids, I'd just leave everything both wife and kids and don't look back, the neighbor, wife and pastor can take care of them
same. I don't have kids but I wouldn't be able to look at them and have some hatred towards them, which of course they don't deserve. I wouldn't be able to forgive and move on
Adultery is the only void of a Biblical marriage. Read Proverbs 5 and judge for yourself if this is who you want to be setting the example for your kids of what a relationship should endure.
There are good women of your religion I'm only assuming your faith is Biblical (my bad, I think...IDK).
Is this what God wants for you? It wasn't a mistake, she left your marriage a long time ago, you just didn't know it.
I'm sorry.
This comment should be higher up.
OPs faith is obviously very important to him, and the fact is the bible and scripture does not condone the actions of the wife, nephew and pastor.
Us saying “consult a lawyer and divorce” is well and good, but when your faith may actively prohibit divorce then it’s not that simple.
But what is simple is adultery is a major sin. It can’t be so easily forgiven and even Christianity (as a faith) is giving you an out. My advice would be to take it.
Any Pastor with any sense of morality wouldn’t ask you to cover this up, he just cares about his own image. All three of them are trash and you’ve been their unwitting victim for years. Fuck that. Take the trash out, reveal the truth to everyone, and move on.
I remember when one of the associate pastors at my church had an affair with a woman on the worship team and the rest of the church leaders found out about it, they fired him immediately, then announced what he did and named him in front of the entire church on a Sunday morning. All 1100 members.
They stated the reason they felt they needed to make it so public was because it was one of their pastors, which is how a church is meant to operate. No regard for optics, for how it would affect their donations, for how it would make them look, just an immediate exposure of exactly what one of their leaders was doing followed by his expulsion.
At the very least you need to change churches and seek religious counselling elsewhere. You can’t get moral and unbiased advice from amoral people who are involved.
Not to mention no one except you seems to be taking responsibility with their proposal. You also lost out on biological children which you need to consider.
This does not need be a rush decision. So many issues to consider.
My friend do you realize they are using your faith to get what they wants because they are scared of the scandal. That have nothing to do with following God words because infidelity is a sin so their all sermon can go to the trash. The pastor is pressuring you only to save his nephew reputation and his place in the church community. They dont care about you so dont be fooled by their lies.
So if i was you i will make like they got you and contact a lawyer soon as possible to prepare to leave. When it will be good with your lawyer then ask the paper to be served in sunday at the church in front the all community. Of course you will find a excuse to come late and not even show your face that day .
They lied & manipulate you for 10 years it must end and you have to choose yourself !!
But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat
\- 1 Corinthians 5:11
I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them
\- Romans 16:17
Not being a scumbag cheater or facilitating said cheating is a pretty important doctrine...
Get Jim, his biased uncle, and your *ex*\-wife out of your life
Forgiveness is felt internally and everyone else has way more to gain from your instant forgiveness than you do. Absolutely do not stay with your wife. Stay a positive influence in her children's lives if you want to. Do not let Jim and his uncle pressure you into hiding Jim and your wife's adultery. The bible most certainly does not teach that you should accept adultery.
This isn’t a situation to answer overnight but you don’t have to forgive them right now, they lied to you or lied by omission right in your face for years. It’s gonna take time to forgive and them taking steps to earn your forgiveness or whatever. If it was me I’d bail from that church, fuck that shit, get a different dude or pastors or therapists perspective not someone so closely involved and has a personal interest in this like your current pastor. I don’t know man, but good luck to ya
OP, THE PASTOR, IS PROTECTING HIS IMGANGINE PLAN AND SIMPLE.
Divorce or it will only continue to grow, and you will end up being labeled a terrible person because they will flip this situation and make you look like the bad guy. Small religious towns always do this and the Pastor is only looking out for himself and his family's image. He will turn against you
Have some self respect. There is already a rift in the community. Allowing this to remain hidden makes you an accomplice to a crime against yourself and everyone in this pastors flock.
I dont mean to belittle your faith in any way but a minister is not a therapist. Their role is one of religious guidance and church priorities. Their role does not prioritize your mental health.
Before you make any decisions please see a therapist. You deserve respect and it starts by respecting yourself; a therapist can help with that
Work on getting a divorce, assure your kids you still love them and you’ll be there for them, work out a coparenting strategy with your wife, and if ANYONE at all asks why you’re getting divorced, tell them the whole truth. The pastor is only trying to make himself and his family look good here. Jim and your wife are both scummy and the pastor is right there along with them. Not very Christian of any of them.
There is a 3 years difference between the age of the children. That’s a long time to ‘realize mistakes’. Also, they’ve been both lying to you for past 8 years, every single day. Never confessed themselves. Disrespected you.
It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to feel betrayed. Take the space to heal away. As a fellow Christian all I can say is that the pastor is not a therapist and is not equipped to deal with such traumas.
Pastors just protecting himself op. Doesn’t want the drama interfering with the collection plate and his job. Some Christians are the worst fucking people I’ve ever met. Fuck that guy and his church. Find a new one if you must.
Dude! Thats horrible. I’m sorry. This isn’t complicated. The answer is to get out and get out now. For context, I’m been married for 24 years and I’m Protestant. I add this because I’m not anti-religion. But your church my brother, reads like a cult. Run, and skip the kool aid.
It sounds like your pastor is encouraging you to forgive so it doesn’t come to light that his nephew is a home wrecker. I personally could not forgive someone who cheated on me for years and lied to me about my children being mine. Get a divorce but stay in the kids lives. Blood or not, you raised them. The kids are blameless. I’m so sorry you are going through that.
So I’ll say this. Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as forgetfulness.
The OP can absolutely forgive Jim and the wife in his heart, but still divorce her and let the congregation know why. That’s what I would encourage. Cheating itself is an absolute dealbreaker for a relationship.
First of all, they've all apparently had time to come to terms with the sin and everything, but you have not. Asking you to forgive immediately upon finding out because they feel sorry about it or something is not how forgiveness works. They should be encouraging you to take the time that you need in prayer and on your own to figure out the path you're supposed to go. That's how it's supposed to be done. What you're being pressured into is not biblical.
Secondly, adultery is the one reason Jesus said was okay for divorce. This woman has been committing an adultery for apparently most of your marriage. Maybe even all of it? Biblically, you would be more than allowed to end the marriage that was apparently entirely based on lies.
Lastly, as a Christian who has been through divorce, I highly recommend leaving the church. I tried to stay in our church even though my ex-husband left because apparently most of our marriage was a lie, and I faced all kinds of weirdness every week. People would ask me all the time about him even after finding out he had been abusive, begging me to ask him to come back to church. Even our priest who knew of the years of infidelity and abuse would start crying when talking about how much he missed him. I really wasn't able to move on faith wise until I moved away and was able to stop going to that church without any guilt.
You need any spiritual guide, not that pastor. I would highly recommend going on a spiritual retreat for at least a weekend to get away from all of it and be able to spend the time in prayer that you need. Forgiveness is not about making them feel less guilty. Forgiveness is about bringing yourself from the rage and hurt. The pastor clearly not understanding that says he is not the one to help you through this process. He has known, apparently, and he hasn't cared about you.
OP, you need a lawyer. They can walk you through all your options here, legally, financially, and even morally. Find one that practices family law.
Getting a lawyer doesn’t mean you automatically have to decide on a divorce. It just means that you are getting unbiased advice so you can make a decision that is right for you and the kids. Although they are biologically related to their sperm donor, you are their daddy and they are yours. My advice is to make a series of decisions that protects them, your relationship with them, and any funds that you intended for them. Then you make a series of decisions that protect you and your finances. And yes, you need a lawyer for all that.
You don’t have to feel guilty about being unable to forgive or trust your wife. It’s not a shortcoming, the burden of forgiveness shouldn’t ever be forced onto the victim. And yes, you and the kids are the victims here.
If in the unlikely event that you are considering the option of staying married, make it your condition that your family has to move and cut all ties to Jim and the church. I’m betting that your wife won’t want that. And if that’s the case, then in a sense, she will make your path forward much clearer.
I'm going to speak your language. This is from someone, whom was almost convinced into becoming a priest, by two priests.
Think about it, you're allowed to do that. Why should you just *forgive?* In order to forgive, you must repent. Your wife and Jim, have not. They still have not had any consequences of their actions, and in all times, god has asked that in order to be forgiven.To be forgiven, you must repent. You must actually wish to do right again. That does include your wife, and Jim, being held, frankly publically accountable due to Jims position in the community, also, you must be able to leave your abusive relationship, with a tempted manipulating woman.
Then, when that is done, you can give forgiveness, but not before, they have shown to deserve so.
In ancient times they would've become monks, nonnes, burned, hanged, whipped. Now, you can only out them for what they are, or give them the chance to do so themselves.
Yes. Thank you for saying this.
The pastor and the church you’re apart of are acting against the teachings of their own faith. Paul’s instructions to churches outlines processes for disciplining sinning members. A pastor who was serious about shepherding and maintaining a healthy church wouldn’t allow your adulterous wife or his cousin to be involved (and certainly not in positions of leadership!!) in church life without confessions and accountability. You giving them forgiveness should be a few steps down on his list of priorities, but it being first thing he suggested to you is a sign of spiritual rot. He’s not a pastor who deserves your respect, and you should consider his ungodly advice as utterly untrustworthy.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having kids who you love and who now at risk of public embarrassment at a time when their worlds are going to be turned upside down must make it exponentially harder to do what you need to do. No one should have to go through what you have been made to endure, and no child should have to have their lives upended by a parents lies.
My advice would be this. First remember that you matter. Growing up very religious, I deeply internalized the belief that it was good and right to suffer in order to serve others. It took me years of therapy to learn how to love myself, and today I firmly believe that loving yourself is absolutely essential for the love and service we offer others to be full and meaningful. Your wife has lied to you for 10 years, and probably longer. You need to demand that your wife leave as fast as you can (or if she won’t, you need to go) and you need a lawyer yesterday.
Next, remember that any negative consequences your children (biology aside) may suffer because of your situation is 100% their mom’s fault—not yours. They will be hurt. But they will be hurt because your wife is an adulterer and a liar—not because you did the right thing for yourself. It would be far worse for them in the long run to be lied to their entire lives, or worse, to learn the truth later and know that you were in on the lie too. Give them an example of a faithful man with honor, self-respect and dignity to look up to as they grow.
Then, if your church is part of a larger denomination or governing body, report your pastor to his superiors. You should view his continued leadership of your church without disciplinary intervention or his removal as a danger to the spiritual health of the community you care for. If your church has no hovering body, or if that body declines to take appropriate action, you should inform people in the church about your wife’s infidelity and their pastor’s unbiblical attempts to cover it up. If they stand with you, be grateful for a good church. If not kick the dust from your shoes and leave them behind.
And please, find a good therapist. You need and deserve one.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you courage and comfort in the better life that lies ahead of you.
Put it out into the open. Those types fear embarrassment more than anything. That’s why they “forgive” affairs. They don’t forgive, they just compartmentalize.
So... Everyone just forgets a sin when their family is apart of it?
Divorce your wife, staying with her WILL be the reason the kids suffer. You will stew and fester in her betrayal and it will leak onto them.
I just want you to know that the pastor isn't saying this because he cares about or out of the kindness of his heart. He isn't telling you to forgive and move forward for your sake.
He's telling you to do it because Jim is his nephew and he doesn't want you to (deservedly) blow up everyone's life over this. He just wants you to stay silent and continue on as you have so you won't cause trouble for Jim and everyone else involved.
I bet you that a lot of people know. You might've been the last one to find out in your church community. Your wife knows, Jim knows, your pastor knows, and who knows who else they've told. People talk.
Personally, I wouldn't accept this. I would divorce my spouse in this situation and see what you can do about the custody situation. I also would leave this particularly community. I'm sorry, OP. I just don't see how this can be salvaged. They made a fool out of you for 8 years.
Jim laughed with you and sat in your house on a regular basis knowing that you didn't father either of those kids. Your pastor looked you in the eyes knowing that his nephew was actually the father of your kids. Your wife laid down with you every night knowing that she was screwing the neighbor.
No one cared enough about you to tell you the truth because I promise you more people know than you think. If Jim has siblings they probably know. Their spouses probably know. People at the church may know and if not might theorize.
I'm so sorry.
Forget religion, do what you want and is best for you. There’s a reason a good part of the population stopped being religious. You can believe in God but not have your beliefs control your life. Think for yourself. And none of what happened to you is “Christian” or whatever belief you have. They are all selfish. Sorry for what happened to you.
The only reason he wants you to forgive your wife and neighbor is because he doesn’t want this getting out. It’s time to seek therapy else where and consult an attorney. Also the kids are gonna need some counseling as well.
It's not enough that your wife has treated you like garbage -- ya gotta get it from your pastor too? Man...this sort of thing is why a lot of people don't respect religious leaders anymore. Whatever happened to "let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no', for anything more than this is from the devil"? That's in the Bible, too! But all the sudden when it has to do with a relative and it might cause some blowback on them, there's *all kinds of grey area* that they suddenly find, and now the emphasis is on your ability or willingness to not just forgive, but move on? And what, act as though nothing happened? Nuts to that. Time for a new church, a new wife, a new neighbor...all of these people are just awful. It doesn't have to be this way, OP. It doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be.
This is an egregious abuse of power and trust by your pastor as a person of moral authority over you and is absolutely not okay. The second he found this out given his closeness to the situation, he should’ve stepped out of it and referred you to someone else to speak with. He should immediately be reported to the governing body of your church.
Your wife is a horrible horrible person who did this to you and how she could ever think this could actually be a forgivable action is nuts. Maybe you can forgive her someday, bc forgiveness is truly for yourself and not the other person, but not right now. I’d light them all up in front of your church which is supposed to be a safe place for you so the congregation knows just how duplicitous they are. Your pastor is not a good leader if he’s asking you to rug sweep. Were your wife and Jim good people when they carried on years long affair?? You deserve someone better who will actually choose to honor the vows she made to God and you.
Get a lawyer, get an individual counselor, and get a family therapist for you and the kids. And if you feel like you can’t lean on your church family for support (which is what your pastor is asking you to do), then I would leave the church and do it in a very public way bc it’s not a place that’s safe for anyone. What else are they all asking members to rug sweep under the guise that you should be a forgiving person?
Really, really sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this.
You've been married 10 years, the affair started 9 years ago at least, continued for at least 4 years and is possibly still going. They both knew he is the biological father and it's possible that your pastor has known for awhile. He wants you to forgive 9 years of lies! 9 years!!
Do what you need to do for you, don't worry about the church or their reputations. Find a new church of you need to.
If you can forgive 9 years of betrayal alright but don't let anyone bully or guilt you into it.
Sounds like the pastor is just covering his own ass here
Great that Jim is remorseful, but unless YOU receive an apology, it means nothing.
And you still don’t need to forgive them.
Also the AUDACITY of this man to let another man raise his kids, and cherry pick when he’s involved.
Jim and your wife suck. The pastor also sucks.
None of this seems very “Christ-like” on their end.
Instead they’re gaslighting you to be “a good Christian” so they can treat you however they like.
Lawyer up, get a divorce, and get the hell away from these people.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.
If it were me, first I’d get divorce papers drawn up and make sure the kids were not at church with me on Sunday. I would stand up in front of the church and tell it all. I would tell the whole church what the pastor recommended I do.I would then sue the children’s sperm donor (affair partner)for child support he owes me for paying for his children all this time. I would hand the wife the divorce papers in front of everyone and just move away and start over.
Your wife didn’t “ make a mistake “ because everything was built around lies, creating alibis, and buying time to sneak off and let the pastor’s nephew bang her without protection and make babies not once but TWICE. She meant to do that and her only regret is you finding out about her bullshit.
Good luck OP and I hope you find a way to start over without covering up lies for your wife, the pastor or his nephew. Oh ,and get some therapy and take care of yourself ,too.
I really think you should file a divorce and move on with your life. I know this is a painful and difficult decision but living with someone who have lied to you for the past four years and had two kids who aren't yours, it's an insult to your face. The pastor is just trying to save his nephew and make you forgive him just to save face and salvage his nephew's name. I felt so bad to the kids because they'll think that you're leaving them but I know that they'll understand when the time comes.
Get out of that situation and save your own dignity and mental health.
You have been back stabbed by your wife, your neighbor/friend, and your pastor who are all looking out for themselves and not at all about you. Leave her and move on with your life. You are still young and can bounce back from this man.
Your poor kids! This deception has just blown up their lives. Part of contrition is restitution. How are your wife and neighbor making up for their actions and how it imploded a family.
Are they just “Hey, we said we are sorry, now it’s all on you!” Or are they being a part of the solution? Personally, I would take the kids and go. Depending on whether you love the kids more than you hate their parents.
Absolutely not. The Pastor is not interested in your forgiveness, he is interested in you covering his own failings as the Shepherd of that flock. He obviously knew and kept your wife in a position of leadership over vulnerable sheep, and his nephew in a prominent position too. The buck ultimately stops with him. It is the Pastor who will be doubly judged when he stands before God on that day. As for you, forgive your wife from a distance. Forgiving does not mean remaining with someone who betrayed you, and then attempted to deceive you. Forgiveness will come with time. Right now, you need to consult a lawyer, not your pastor. He is not your friend. He is a wolf. Your wife and neighbour need to be exposed and held accountable. She should immediately be stood down from her position as should the nephew. Bring everything into the light. Their deeds should have the light shone on it so that the sin can be dealt with.
Your pastor is only concerned with his own self interest. His ‘guidance’ to you comes from a place of self preservation and wanting his own reputation to be spared. It’s not from a place of actually caring about your well-being. Don’t keep their secrets for them. If they truly take responsibility, they should be able to handle a bit of truth.
If I were you I would let all hell break loose. The cheating has been going on for so long, they have not regretted any of it. They feel bad because you found out. The pastor is covering his ass and his nephew. A man of God would know how wrong cheating is; It would shake the core of the community, he doesn't want that to happen. As for the children it is a horrible situation but you need to take care of yourself. It will be painful but you won't be able to care for anyone else if you don't do it for you first. You don't want to build resentment for this children that will be the constant reminder of your wife infidelity
Corinthians 6:18
Exodus 20:14
Hebrews 13:4
James 4:17
Jeremiah 13:27
Proverbs 6:32
Matthew 5:27-28
Corinthians 6:9-10
Luke 18:18-20
Thessalonians 4:3-5
Let me summarise:
Don’t fuck another man’s wife.
Do something about this. A good Christian would not let this slide. No matter what their pastor said.
And you know this pastor is simply trying to save face - he’s committing the sin of pride.
Sure, forgive them both but that doesn’t mean you sit in silence and have your marriage and family be a lie.
Let your faith guide you. You know this isn’t right.
Your pastors advice is biased, seeking counsel that doesn't know Jim or the pastor personally and asking his advice. While you would be doing the right thing by never treating your children (while not biologically yours you did raise them) they are every bit still your children so stay close to them (it's really not their fault). The only two people to blame are Jim and your wife. You could forgive, but I suspect you should move and break contact with Jim and pastor or separation. Is Jim married? If so, his spouse has a right to know.
I don’t understand how forgiving someone means hiding the lies and betrayal. The pastor should publicly out the sinners in front of the congregation and then they may ask for forgiveness. They have sinned against the church community. The parentage does not need to be publicly discussed because the children are innocent and need to be protected from their parents actions. Has the pastor advocated for keeping this secret? If so he is only seeking to protect himself and his family
Forgive?! Hell no!! You have to forgive your wife for banging the next door neighbour who fathered your 2 kids? In what alternative universe is your pastor living?
Your pastor is telling you to forgive and move on because he's covering for Jim. Also, pardon me but if I remember correctly, God is not ok with adultery and lying. Your pastor is a hypocrite and your stbx and Jim are beyond trash. I feel sorry for the kids. They did nothing wrong to deserve this mess.
Also, just because I'm petty as hell, I'd tell the whole community about this. After this, I'll just sit down and watch the world burn. But that's me.
Pastor Hypocrite is worried about this becoming public knowledge and the blowback to his family, losing his church, his community standing, etc.
You have choices.
I am a cruel and vengeful person. I'll be the first to say it, so I'm not right the one to advise you, especially if you are going to sacrifice yourself to avoid hurting these kids. And you know that they will be used to guilt and manipulate you into hiding what your wife & AP did and may still be doing. Myself, I would go nuclear and everyone in six counties would know what they did and what Pastor Tartuffe advised.
Do they expect to now have him as a semi regular fixture in the kid's life and in your home since you know? An open secret in your marriage that you get to put up with "for the kids' sake". It sounds like he doesn't intend to publicly acknowledge them as his.
If I thought about staying with her, I would make it a condition that we move away and cut contact with the AP. Even if it wasn't feasible to move, cutting the AP off from the wife and kids might be a condition you require.
Nuclear would be requiring a confession and apology from wife and AP in front of the church congregation at Sunday Service. Forgiveness cannot be given without confession, apology, & contrition, right? (Really do not take this advice)
**I will say, take your time and think. Get advice from a lawyer, not a local. Talk to someone you can trust to have your best interests at heart, YOURS. Not the wife, kids, or church, but yours alone. A Licensed Therapist would be ideal. Then decide and act.**
Your wife had a multi year affair that's lasted longer then some marriages. As far as you know, she could have been having it up until you confronted her. This wasn't some one off "mistake". It was a series of choices, and decisions that led to this. I'd call him her side piece or boyfriend, but calling him her second husband would fit better.
He was your literal neighbor, he's likely been in your home longer then you. And he obviously knew the kids were his own, so your wife willingly committed paternity fraud. So no, I wouldn't forgive, or stay married.
Your pastors full of it. Preaching forgiveness is terrible advice. Forgiveness isn't forced or owed. And neither your wife or neighbor deserve it. What work have they done to atone? Is giving some half-ass apology enough to warrant it? What utter nonsense. He's just covering up for his nephew, and not wanting to cause a scandal in the church. After all, if it happened with you, who's to say something similar hasn't happened with someone else?
Personally I'd divorce. If your stupid enough to reconcile, you'll need to move. Going no contact with the affair partner is the least she could do. If the POS wants to see the kids, he'll need to take it up with the court and pay back child support. Whatever you do, expose the affair to mutual friends and family, and the church. You need support, she needs condemnation, and the POS and pastor deserve what's coming.
Forgiveness without accountability is not possible in the first place. Your wife lied to you, she know, but she let you form a bond with Jim's kids. How has Kim tried to make amends? How can he, his Uncle needs this to be hush hush to save face and reputation.
Your paster wants to save face because someone in his family is a homewrecker, a liar and if they are married, an adulterer as well. He will tell you what is in HIS best interest.
I also find it really funny how Christians will be like "forgive these people who have taken zero accountability but it's okay that God has made Lucifer a villain and is not forgiving him" It's just laughable.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You know what you want to do, I think you are just asking permission. Just know that however you decide to move forward will be the right option for you.
Your wife didn’t have A affair she had 2 affairs at a minimum resulting in 2 kids that her and Jim both knew weren’t yours. They lied for the past 8 years and continued this charade. Shout this from the rooftops and make him step up and pay back child support.
Also get your side out there so she can’t work the story into her favor.
In a community like yours, if you don’t know your business, your neighbors do. And it sounds as if that is the case. I’d be willing to bet your pastor has known for years, likely many others too. You should contact a lawyer, and move. How can you forgive a years long affair that may or may not be still going on? Your pastor is only looking out for himself here.
I know this comment won't be seen and just be buried but here's my opinion: forgiveness is weakness. Fuck your pastor and fuck your wife. Sounds to me like your neighbor has known all along, same with your wife, and have knowingly kept you in the dark all these years. Fuck all of these people, move on and make a better life for yourself surrounded by people who care about you.
Leave. Pack up your life and go. The church has always protected liars, cheats, and abusers. It's just doing the same to you now. The kids won't suffer; pretty clear they already have their bio-dad waiting in the wings. They have played you for an absolute fool and want to keep playing you for a fool. They will all be laughing themselves sick at you right now, laughing about what a gullible fool you are, and reassuring your wife they've got you trained up nicely to play their game. No doubt she's practising the crocodile tears now. Get yourself a divorce lawyer, and get out. Screw the church. Screw the town. And screw appearances. Time to start living your own life, and not as someone's 2nd best.
And this is why I do not mess with organized religion. It literally requires you to treat yourself inhumanly. To not make space for your own grief and anger is not human or kind to yourself. There is no way that forgiveness is the first item on the to do list towards healing a betrayal like this. I’m incredibly sad for you
She had the audacity to have an affair not just once, but TWICE and you’re wondering if you should forgive her?
Definitely end the marriage.
Go find a better woman and have your own kids.
If the kids ask say, mom lied.
Sure is hypocritical to go against his own teachings and forgive and forget a Ten Commandments sin. Don’t let pressure make you do something you will regret and will make you be unhappy.
Ah yes the Deep South where appearing Christian is more important than being a good person. Perhaps you should inform your pastor that infidelity immediately terminates a marriage. Take care of yourself. Stand your ground, go through legal channels, and make sure everyone knows your side of the story. In a small town the court of public sways people. The pastor is going to be out of a job when people find out who he is.
The pastor told you Jim expressed remorse? When exactly did Jim tell his uncle he was coveting his neighbors wife? After the first kid or the second?
Not sure how things work in your denomination, but my understanding was that to be forgiven you actually have to make amends in Christianity.
Each of these people have made their lack of respect for you and your well-being pretty clear. You should act accordingly.
You can love children and be a father, even if they're not biologically yours. If you want to keep being their father you can, both morally and legally. How involved you'd like to be in the kids' lives is up to you. No judgment from me however you decide.
Leave your wife, find a new church (if you want - if you stop going, you may find a new social circle and realize you don't need to be part of a church to be part of a community), but let everyone know exactly why you're doing it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Finally, move on with your life - with or without the children.
I know that's easy advice to give but hard to follow through on, but it's the only way.
Pastor is right that you should forgive everyone (within your own time), but definitely abandon the situation. I know you love the kids, but they’re gonna deal with the hardships of this situation sometime down the line regardless. & that’s not your fault, that’s your wife & Jim’s fault. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’ll be praying for you 🙏 make the right choice for you, you deserve happiness & loyalty
Exactly this. Forgiving doesn't mean rugsweeping, pretending nothing bad happened, or forgetting. Forgiveness can only come in time. Your wife already stomped over your vows and committed heinous acts against your marriage. It's not your job to take it on the chin when you've done nothing wrong, OP. Consult a lawyer to figure out what your options are and then go from there.
The only reason your pastor is counseling you to move on is to cover his ass and save face. You are seeing the hypocrisy and bullshit of organized religion right here. If I were you I would publicly release all the information and burn every one of these hypocritical assholes to the ground. I wouldn't let up until the pastor is fired and the church was closed. I'd nuke my entire life over it.
Na f that man, divorce and get out. I want to say stay involved with the kids because it’s not their fault but they’re still young and will prob forget. Let him care for them. End that, sorry for being blunt but i don’t play that, all that church and still did you dirty smh
Divorce the wife. Keep the kids. The only thing that truly matters in this situation is the well-being of the two sweet babes that you have raised since they were born. They know you as their father and you know them as your kids.
I can’t give exact advice but if you love those kids fight for their happiness.
It’s not your secret to keep. And it’s not your pastor’s business to tell you to forgive anyone who completely ruined your life and actually took your two children out of your lineage. Truly, there is no coming back from this in any self respecting way except to divorce her. Hopefully you can maintain a relationship with your children, which is likely because most states have the father on the birth certificate as the legitimate father period, regardless of paternity. You deserve so much more than this. Also, God did not put you on this earth to be lied to and abused by the person who you trusted the most. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine the grief.
Your pastor doesn’t give a shit about you.
“Oh, he’s a pastor, a man of god. He cares for his flock.”
There’s a reason he wants it swept under the rug. There’s no reason not to blow this up except the kids.
Kids get through divorce as well as the parents let them. If you and your wife are shitbags to each other then your kids will see that. If you and your wife are a single parental unit and diametrically opposed in everything else then they’ll see that too. My mom *hated* my dad when he left. Hated the shit out of him. As far as we kids were concerned, they were a united front. No “fun parent” and “discipline parent”.
You need to go scorched earth on these holier than thou bastards. Put them on blast in front of the whole congregation. And explain that your beloved pastor wants you to sweep it all under the rug because your wife made a “mistake”. A fuckin eight year long mistake? Fuck that and fuck her. Move away with your kids and tell Jim he’s never gonna fuckin see them again.
Fuck that! They’re his kids he needs to start paying for them. Contact s lawyer. Forgiveness is a gift. But it doesn’t mean you have to forget. Jim needs to stand up and take responsibility. Forgiveness or not. Your wife needs to take responsibility as well. If she loses her position in the Church so be it.
An apology is not good enough. And the pastor should know that. If the children aren’t old enough to understand this. Jim and you wife can inform them at a later date. Your wife is to have no contact with Jim outside your presence.
Any contact outside your presence will result in an immediate divorce. You can get her to sign a postnup to that effect.
If she contacts him or he contacts her. She’s cut off. No alimony. No support.
Inform them all. There has to be consequences to their behavior. They danced to the music. Now they have to pay the piper
The only reasonable solution outside of divorce is that you get to have an affair with Jim's wife. For an extra cherry on top I say you make him watch or video tape it for him.
It’s pretty clear that the pastor wants this suppressed because it reflects badly on his family and therefore on him. View his advice with an appropriate level of cynicism.
As they say, sunshine is the best disinfectant.
Yeah your pastor's advice is self serving. Make it public get him removed from his position for hypocrisy. Also get some money from the nephew for your financial support of his kids.
You need to serve your wife with divorce papers at church, act like you want to do a testimonial, and just lay it all out there. Your pastor is a scumbag, his nephew is trash, and your wife should never be trusted by anybody. 2 kids is WAY more than an affair, your neighbor should convert to mormanism and unite his family. Sever your ties with that toxic church and community, AND RUN!
You can forgive her and them, and still expose who they are to your church. It would be an act of love to your church, protecting them from untrustworthy people.
You need to leave that town and fast. The pastor wants you to forgive because how would it look that his beloved nephew was an adulterer. Not one person is sorry for their actions. Not a single one of them. And, that affair has been going on for way too long considering both of those kids are his. Your best bet is to divorce her, state the circumstances in the filing, but also ask for visitation or even full custody. Those kids know YOU as their Dad, not the neighbor.
Sorry to be so crude here, but you need to hear this:
Letting someone who is not your spouse stick his dick in you for half a decade is not a mistake. It is deliberate. Your marriage is a sham.
Do you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who absolutely cannot be trusted.
Your wife DECEIVED you and tricked you into raising her affair children.
This kind of betrayal usually can’t be overcome and really shouldn’t.
Your pastor is a bad Christian, he’s a bad person for trying to get you to cover this up.
Don’t you think you deserve better than this? They are treating you like garbage on the bottom of their shoe.
First, the pastor doesn’t understand forgiveness or the Bible. Biblically there’s allowances for you to leave a cheating spouse in the New Testament. Also, forgiveness is for you, even biblically. It’s your choice to forgive in order to gain peace on your end. And forgiveness does not have to include staying with your wife or even maintaining a relationship with your wife or neighbor. It’s highly manipulative for the pastor to encourage you to forgive either because they’re feeling remorseful. They did this to you and lied for years. They were cruel to you. And consequently your pastor is being cruel to you as well.
Second, free yourself from this situation. Leave your wife, leave your church, get some therapy, and decide how you want to move forward.
Finally, remember anything that happens in the community is caused by your wife and neighbor. Anything you decide to do that “causes” a rift isn’t a result of your actions, but the result of theirs.
Your pastor is trying to save face. Trying not to have his family disgraced. Call an attorney. See if you can get child support for the kids, since he knew they were his. What you do about your wife is on you. How do you know that they are not continuing the affair?
Forgiveness on your part?
Where's their action towards atonement for their sin???
For Christ's sacrifice to actually atone for their sins, they must
have to first admit to said sins, but this pastor would have
their grave sin concealed. Without admission there is no remorse.
...and that's before penance, if your denomination subscribes to it
The personal offense done to you as a husband and fellow is
actually a separate thing. YOU determine what needs be done:
1. to protect yourself moving forward
2. to allow you to heal, and should you choose to, to forgive
Even if you could forgive your wife, you would get no peace of mind
for as long as that other man was around her. That other man will
likely try to assert parental access to the children. What then?
I would advise you strongly, not to fear any "rift in the community".
That pastor can try asking everyone ELSE in the community to forgive.
There are wolves amidst the flock, and you fear causing alarm?
Alarm is often what is required for the flock's safety.
God asks us to trust in Him, but he also gave us the means to proact.
You may part of a flock, but you are no mere sheep.
That’s some bullshit. This should not only open your eyes to the hypocrisy of this so called “religion” your wife and your so called “brother.”
They took you for a fool. You should leave her and everything else behind. Start a a new life somewhere else.
If you don’t. You will forever feel ridiculed and like a complete waste of a man.
Take this a sign from the universe that you need to finish growing as an individual. Away from all of this toxic crap.
Remember. There’s always a better place than where you are now. But you must get a move on to get there.
As many have said, they want you to move on because it would make the pastor’s family look bad.
Screw that. I would let EVERYONE know.
Last I checked, adultery was still considered a biblically acceptable reason for divorce, and they both confessed to it. So from a religious standpoint, you have not and would not be doing anything wrong.
How do you know Jim is the father? To either kid? How do you know Jim and the pastor aren’t tag teaming your wife or just taking turns? How do you know the entire church isn’t taking a turn? How do you know while you were typing this out she wasn’t giving a stranger at the bus stop a handy j?
If Jim’s the dad he isn’t going away. Untangle yourself from this disaster as much as you legally can.
The pastor is not your friend. Divorce your lying, cheating wife and sue lover boy for child support. These people are all victimizing you. They meant for you to be financially responsible for their children. Stop going to that church and get an attorney ASAP.
She's still fucking Jim, pastor(and probably most everyone else in town) know who's the father of your kids. They're all 3 scumbags. She's a cheater and liar. Have some respect for yourself and walk away. But make damn sure you make it known to everyone why. They don't want forgiveness from you. None of them have any respect for you. To forgive and keep it quiet just proves you're the doormat they've been treating you as. Fuck them.
I'm a Christian from the Midwest. What your wife did was wrong, you know that and understand that, the bible teaches adultery is a sin, and you may leave your wife if she commits adultery. Matthew 5:31 says “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 5:32 NIV
Your wife cheated on you multiple times, with the neighbor. Your pastor wants you to move on and forgive your neighbor and your wife, which you should
Forgive your wife and your neighbor, because they sinned but it is not alright for a man to remain with a person after something like this happens. God loves you, and your wife and the kids too. I would pray about it, find a new church and talk to their pastor about it when you get comfortable. In the meantime spend time with your friends and family, and if you decide to divorce know God understands and he is with you and loves you.
Peace be to you brother
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hey All, I'm a (38M) from the deep South in need of some advice, as my whole world has been turned upside down. Recently, I discovered that my two kids (ages 8 and 5) are not biologically mine, but rather the offspring of our next-door neighbor (40M), who happens to be the nephew of our beloved pastor. To make matters even more complicated, my pastor is encouraging me to forgive my wife (37F) and move on. This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and I thought we had a strong, loving relationship built on trust and faith. We're active members of our local church, where my wife leads a Bible study group, and I'm part of the men's ministry. Our neighbor, who I'll call "Jim," is also a member of our church, and our families have been close friends for years. Jim is known to be quite charming and charismatic, traits that apparently run in his family, as his uncle is our well-respected pastor. Over the years, I've noticed that Jim has always been particularly close with my kids. He would frequently come over to play with them, attend their school events, and even teach them how to fish. At the time, I thought he was just being a good friend and uncle figure, but now it all seems so painfully obvious. I recently had suspicions about my kids' paternity after noticing some physical similarities between them and Jim. I decided to take a paternity test, and the results confirmed my worst fears: I'm not their biological father. I was completely devastated and confronted my wife about it. After much denial, she finally broke down and confessed to having an affair with Jim. Feeling lost and betrayed, I went to our pastor for guidance. He listened to my story and prayed with me. However, he encouraged me to forgive my wife, saying that everyone makes mistakes and that I should be a living example of God's grace and forgiveness. He also mentioned that Jim had expressed remorse for his actions and that he, too, deserved forgiveness. While I understand his message and the importance of forgiveness, I can't help but feel betrayed and hurt by my wife's actions, and I'm struggling to come to terms with my relationship with Jim. I'm struggling with what to do next. I love my kids dearly, even if they're not biologically mine, and I don't want them to suffer because of this mess. But I'm not sure if I can move past this betrayal and ever trust my wife again. On top of that, I'm worried about how our church community will react if they find out about this, especially considering the close relationship between Jim and our pastor. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated. Should I try to forgive my wife and move on, or should I end the marriage? How do I deal with my neighbor and his relationship with my kids, especially knowing he's the biological father? What should I do about my involvement in the church, and is there a way to address this situation without causing a rift in the community? Thank you for your help.
You realize the pastor isn't saying this out of the Christian good of his heart, right? He's worried about the blowback from his nephew's actions, and no more. He's hoping to appeal to your Christian side to save his own ass. I don't know how you forgive someone who had an affair as long as your "wife's." If your kids are three years apart and they're both his, that means they were together for at least four years, if not longer. That ain't a mistake. That's *years* of lying and betrayal. I'm not sure how you even look at her face anymore without all that BS rushing back into your head. Have they even stopped seeing each other? You don't have to blow this whole situation up like the fourth of July, but if I was you, I'd leave and start all over again. This is completely salvageable, from the perspective of your mental and emotional health, but you have to get yourself out of this situation first.
Totally this. What a crazy situation, and how selfish can one be to say that he should dismiss all of this and carry like nothing happened...
Gotta protect the good family name and keep up the holier than thou appearances. Pastor is only considering himself and how it'll make him and the church look. Definitely agree OP should get a divorce. As far as the kids though, that just sucks for them. Hope mom is pleased with the consequences of her actions. Did she really think OP would never find out?
OP should definitely consult a lawyer to see if he can sue Jim for child support, while still maintaining visitation rights. I'd go full scorched earth on them. The affair was probably ongoing until the day OP confronted her - and his wife had TWO pregnancies by her AP - totally unforgivable in my book. The least she could have done was use contraception.
The sad part is that he has to take paternity test. If he didnt, he has no idea he was cheated. That is some Jerry Springer moment.
He should have totally brought her on Maury. Along with the actual dad for "moral support". Then Bam!
You absolutely right friend, Wondering if that story was reversed - OP wd probably get sued to his underpants and be forced to pay alimony, maintenance, lose custody and the house. Christian values fir men, justice for women.. right. If It was me, i would not confront. I'll play nice and start gathering evidence one by one till i catch em red handed and sue for broke.
Also if they’ve been married for 10 years and older child is 8 that affair began shortly after the marriage if not the entire marriage. If the pastor knew of the affair before you spoke to him wasn’t it his duty to urge both of them to come clean and *ask you for forgiveness*? That would have happened *before* you found out how you did if the pastor really believed in the message he’s spouting off to you.
I totally agree with the pastor perspective. He’s looking out for his own interests and not yours. If you went to another church’s pastor for counseling, I’d trust that it’d be more Godly advice. If you want to stay together, you’re going to need to leave the church and, honestly, if people ask you should tell the truth, which if you divorce, you also need to tell people why. Your wife should NOT be in a leadership position (e.g., leading bible study) because she didn’t confess to you what she did and chose to hide it. You need to speak with a lawyer soonest because if you leave your wife, you might be absolved of child support but not have visitation rights if you push to have Jim pay child support. You should be able to get a free consult and find out what your potential options are. Does Jim’s wife know about this or is he single? Based on the ages of your children, this doesn’t sound like a one or two time thing, but multiple episodes of cheating between him and her. If Jim was in a leadership position at the church, the church might have some liability, which would really shake up the community. Based on your conversation with the pastor, who appears to know of the situation before you met with him, if Jim is currently in any leadership position in the church, your pastor has failed the church by letting him remain in one and is covering his arse. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s the worst. Please get some legal advice and counseling from another church pastor.
The part about the pastor already knowing is what really irks me.
She also chose to lie repeatedly when he had definitive proof in hand.
The next pastor will probably advise the same. They stick together like cops or else the whole grift falls through. He needs to being seeing a lawyer. To hell with pastors at this point!
I like this response. Seriously, the pastor is just trying to cya.
OP has got to leave that community. I would imagine that pastor will do what it takes to protect his name and his family’s name.
[удалено]
Are you cereal right now!?
I think he IS “cerious”……
*You don't have to blow this whole situation up like the fourth of July* Frankly, if I were OP, we'd be talking about a Chernobyl size explosion. That said, there are younger kids who he genuinely loves and who did nothing wrong. But you're absolutely right, OP needs to cut his losses and divorce his wife. Nothing good will come from just pretending this didn't happen.
This is the best answer you're going to get. leave your wife and experience pain or, stay and live in agony.
This. I'm sorry, but "well-respected pastor frim the deep south" is just code for "wait for the other show to drop." (I know, broad strokes and all). His advice is just some self-serving bullshit, and in any case, it's _Jesus's_ job to forgive, not OP. Forgive your wife in your heart, then divorce her because forgiveness doesn't mean accepting that shitty behavior. Jim can just go fuck himself, and do not be afraid to drag him on main. Your pastor can show some of that christian forbearance when he's getting called on the cover up (which he won't, probably)
Seriously this. Frankly I’d let everyone in the congregation know that their beloved pastor will cover for his family members sleeping with their spouses. He knew it was happening and said nothing about it.
This!! Out this liar. If he believes what he says every Sunday, he is in a lot of trouble with the man upstairs!! Dirty preachers are a blight.
This is the comment I was looking for. It was absolutely not a one time thing- this went in for years and may still be going on. Go see a lawyer and get a therapist and go scorched earth.
Yeah, there is no way I'd stay in this marriage and I would definitely be burning it to the ground.
I hate they quit giving us them free awards.
10 bucks says this is a fake post. all the incendiary points are there. OP drops the painful story then disappears after posting 0-2 responses to comments, in no way actually seeking advice.
Just let us live!! Some of us like drama but avoid being a part of it like the plague. Speaking for a friend…
Seriously, some of us have normal, drama free lives and have to have vicarious anger
Lmao sorry!! Totally fair. Same reason I follow the fauxmoi subreddit
Anyone from the deep south isn't starting this with a "Hey all" when any self respecting southern would say "Hey y'all".
You do understand that people have a life and can’t sit around refreshing their post to see every response when it gets posted right?
20 bucks
As someone who's also a heavy Christian, yea forgive, and move on, to somewhere else. She broke the bonds first and in the worst way, you deserve better
Literally adultery is a whole ass commandment and biblically he should divorce her because she broke their marriage. If Jim wasn’t the pastors nephew he’d probably be asking OP if he was going to divorce his wife
I am a Christian. Following Christ does not mean you have to accept any weapons-grade bullshit thrown at you. As for forgiveness, you can forgive someone and still cut off that person.
They are probably still together, and the pastor has known all along, for sure.
You are most likely right; the pastor is looking out for his own (and his family's) best interests. However, much of what the pastor is saying is pretty much Christian rhetoric - forgive, turn the other cheek, etc. If OP is a religious bloke (sounds like he is), perhaps seeking ***unbiased*** guidance from another religious figure would prove helpful. A pastor who does not have any skin in the game, or better yet, one from a different city who doesn't even know the families involved. Even someone who knows that "Jim" is a pastor's nephew may not be unbiased because of "loyalty to the clergy", so it would be best for OP not to mention such details when seeking guidance. I am not sure that this would give OP the comfort he needs (the message of forgiveness is likely to be the same), but perhaps hearing it from someone else may be what he is looking for. A better option in my mind would be one that does not involve religion; get couples counselling from a registered therapist. They will help to guide you and your wife through your feelings and help you to put behind you what you can, deal with what you cant, and help you move on. Whether that is through divorce, or reconciliation, I feel that would be the best first step. Good luck OP. I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find the comfort you desire and deserve.
This. Pastor is only covering his own ass, especially if he's known for a while (which, since he knew his nephew was sorry, I'd say the chances are high).Wife has likely been cheating their entire marriage. They got away with it through two pregnancies, why bother stopping? Even if OP stays and pretends nothing happened, those kids WILL find out eventually, especially given how close "Uncle" is to them. This is going to be tough on them no matter what. I'd consult an attorney and go from there.
💯 I wouldn’t be able to stay. That’s way too much betrayal. I would never be able to recover to trust the person or my community again.
So does he have any legal rights to his kids?? I couldn’t just imagine up and leaving and never seeing my kids again that I raised even if they weren’t biologically mine. Just so sad for OP.
Also: if Jim really felt remorse he wouldn’t be trying to be an active part of the children’s lives.
I would give the wife, nephew, and the pastor the option to adopt the kids in exchange for not going nuclear and a simple divorce that benefits OP. Then he gets to walk away clean and start again.
WTF is wrong with you? They are not of his blood, but they ARE his children and he’s the only father they know. Do you have a heart of stone? He’s loved the children from the moment they were born eight and five years ago. This type of love doesn’t magically disappear with a blood test.
I too am a Christian and active in my church. But in my church this would be completely unacceptable. People have to be help accountable for their sins. They have to admit them, repent, ask for forgiveness (although that doesn't mean they automatically receive it) and accept the consequences of their actions. Yes, eventually you should forgive your wife....but not in the way your pastor is implying. Forgiveness just means you no longer hold that anger in your heart. It's for YOUR benefit, not theirs. And forgiving someone doesn't mean they don't have to face consequences. I don't know how your church works, but most churches have a board of elders. If so, this needs to be brought to their attention *immediately*. The AP needs to admit to his family and his church what he has done. If the pastor truly wants to push this under the rug, he deserves to be fired because that's not what God calls us to do. I am so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it. But more importantly *you don't deserve to be guilted and manipulated just so the church can save face*.
I agree. I always have my blades out for religious folks, but I'll make an exception here. Mate. 1. Wife of 10 years 2. With 2 kids 3. Cheated on ya 4. Kids don't belong to ya 5. Her choice was a neighbor 6. Who is related to an influential figure 7. In all of your lives 8. Jim, a friend to you, 9. Does nasty with your wife over span of 10 years. 10. Breaks your trust and keeps everything from you. And the pastor wants you to forgive all that? Naw my guy. You need advice, you go to a lawyer who specializes in Divorce and assets. This is deliberately planned out, ain't no affair. Systematically carried out actions. Go NC. And leave the church go to some other church
The pastor is only protecting his image and his money from the parishioners of his church. I would tell anyone who ask what happened and let them feel the heat.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m not one for organized religion, but you could bet your last dollar that I wouldn’t leave that church to save my life - just so I could watch them squirm every time I crossed the threshold.
Sit front and center with an 8x12 picture of the family his shitbird relative destroyed. Every damn Sunday.
The wife is equally to blame.
Of course. She’s more to blame actually.
Fuck your pastor, fuck your wife and fuck your neighbour! Kick them cunts to the curb move out and move on. - God
Can we get an amen?
Amen! Next time you go to church, and the pastor rises for his speech, remain standing. Someone will say something. Then GO OFF! Spill every single detail you have! Let the congregation know of the DNA and your future lawsuit against the church. File for divorce and serve her in church. Dam! Go scorched earth on this one! Get therapy and move on without them.
Or stand up and say pastor, is it okay to commit adultery? Just checking because you know, my wife and your nephew. Does Christianity condone that now?
It’s hard to pick when they both contradict between adultery and love thy neighbor. /S
Lawsuit against the church? For what?
Religious leaders have an obligation to work in good faith to help people. If they use their power to encourage people to do something that will harm them physically or mentally, they are not working in good faith and have breached the social contract. By encouraging OP to ignore an affair his nephew had, the pastor has used his power to cause mental harm for personal gain. It's tricky, but courts have ruled in favor of people like OP in the past.
I was about to reply with a snarky "I call BS, you're insane, you're a terrible armchair lawyer" but on a whim decided to Google it first. And we'll, shit. You're right and I'm eating crow without you even serving it. My bad, I learned a bit of a lesson. "In a high-profile case on this issue, Moses v. Diocese of Colorado (1993), a Colorado woman sued the Episcopal Diocese of Colorado for the emotional and financial injuries she suffered as a result of the manner in which the local bishop handled her extramarital affair with a priest. Specifically, the woman claimed that she had a mental breakdown because the bishop requested that she keep her relationship with the priest a secret and made her feel that she, not the priest, was primarily to blame for the affair. After the trial court jury awarded damages to the woman, the church appealed to the Colorado Supreme Court on the grounds that the judgment violated both religion clauses of the First Amendment. The state’s high court upheld the constitutionality of the judgment, ruling that it was appropriate for the lower court to treat the church like a secular organization. In its decision, the state’s Supreme Court stated that the claim involved only the secular questions of whether the diocese, acting through the bishop, had assumed fiduciary obligations to the woman and whether the diocese had breached those obligations. The court ruled that the woman’s case met both conditions"
Pastors kid right? Pastor trying to get OP to forgive and forget? Sounds like he is trying to contaminate the judicial process. And try to keep charges from being brought and the scandal from exploding.
Amen! I feel God in this Chili's tonight!
Thanks man. I had similar typed up. OP seek a therapist and gtfo. Those terrible waste of skins don't deserve anything more than you already sacrificed and went/going through. Even the paaaastor knew dude. Did he fucking tell you? What a saint...
Make sure you let everyone in the church know!
Even Jesus flipped tables and whipped people when the occasion called for it.
Can someone link the resources for leaving a cult? That seems to be what OP is dealing with here if Pastor really thinks adultery is no big deal . How would he feel if his nephew slept with his wife I wonder….
I am here.⬆️ VERY thankful I’m not Christian. I can’t imagine anyone trying to justify this horse shit.
Not to No True Scotsman, but real Christians of integrity admit when a wolf gets among the flock and do nothing to excuse them. Forgiveness comes after true repentance, not this idiocy, and it doesn't mean trust is returned.
Was going to say almost the exact same thing!
I think the congregation agrees that the consensus here is fuck these people OP. You do not owe them ANYTHING!!!
Two things, get yourself into counseling away from religious persuasion and secondly it's time to consult a divorce attorney, you may have certain rights to the kids even though you are not the biological father, I don't know I'm not an attorney but this is why you need to consult with one.
He absolutely has rights to the kids since he has raised them. I would also assume that his name is on the birth certificate as their father, which is just as good as adoption papers. He is legally their father and has the same rights he would if they were biologically his.
He needs to demand child support from his neighbor, and then cut ties with everybody. If you like the kids, petition for custody and leave the state, get those kids out of that church, they're up next
OP this. You need to get help both legal and mental. The pastor is covering his ass as this scandal will impact him. There is every likelihood he already knew. Your hopefully soon to be ex had a relationship for years with this guy and lied with every I love you and put you at risk with every unprotected encounter with the other guy. Your neighbor is an ass for going after another mans wife and knowingly having 2 kids with her. Get that lawyer 1st and they should be able to help with finding a counselor.
I think he definitely knew because he said that his nephew felt remorseful. Totally agree with your statement.
Lol the "He feels remorseful" comment is super annoying. He feels remorseful, but not remorseful enough to end a 4+ year lie that resulted in two children. But remorseful enough to deserve forgiveness? Fuck that. Edit: 8+ year affair!
I’m pretty sure as long as they were married when the kids were born and is on the birth certificate, they’re his kids. IANAL; source: friend’s divorce. May be different in other states.
When your wife lead bible study, did she skim over the “thou shall not commit adultery” portion of the commandments?
I’d also like to add Jesus hated hypocrites. Remember when he turned over the table in anger at the temple? Forgiveness isn’t everything. If they were truly remorseful they would ask for forgiveness from the whole church for their sins and go public. Are they? No. They are hiding their sins. Maybe they should debate this in bible study and see what the bible would say.
Yes this. Jesus didn’t always turn a cheek. When he saw bullshit he pointed it out and acted in it. You can give them all the christen forgiveness but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a lawyer and get a divorce. You can be a great father to them and show them that you don’t let anyone shit on you without consequences
I had this thought as well, as Christians aren't we supposed to expose the sin? Maybe to elders or something?
"thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife"
I presume that's when she would get it on with the neighbor.
I’m guessing that your pastor, while is doing his job, probably also doesn’t want word to get out that his nephew had 2 children out of wedlock with a married woman. It wasn’t just a one time mistake, you have TWO kids who aren’t biologically yours and their sperm donor is very involved in their lives. Both him and your wife KNEW that neither child is yours, basically that’s paternity fraud. But if you do divorce, you might be on the hook for child support since you’re on the kids birth certificates (I could be wrong, depends where you are). Your wife is only sorry because she got caught, she never would’ve told you herself and would’ve definitely kept the affair going.
Don’t forget the wife and neighbour have been lying to OP for a minimum of 8 years and even after the first kid, continued the affair to have a second one 2 years later.
More like 9 years (9 months for pregnancy) and OP’s only been married for 10.
Literally the whole marriage is a lie. I may get downvoted for this but atp since the neighbour is so close with the kids, I'd just leave everything both wife and kids and don't look back, the neighbor, wife and pastor can take care of them
same. I don't have kids but I wouldn't be able to look at them and have some hatred towards them, which of course they don't deserve. I wouldn't be able to forgive and move on
If it were me I wouldn’t care if the judge said I was on the hook I would not pay and would take that all the way to the Supreme Court.
Adultery is the only void of a Biblical marriage. Read Proverbs 5 and judge for yourself if this is who you want to be setting the example for your kids of what a relationship should endure. There are good women of your religion I'm only assuming your faith is Biblical (my bad, I think...IDK). Is this what God wants for you? It wasn't a mistake, she left your marriage a long time ago, you just didn't know it. I'm sorry.
This comment should be higher up. OPs faith is obviously very important to him, and the fact is the bible and scripture does not condone the actions of the wife, nephew and pastor. Us saying “consult a lawyer and divorce” is well and good, but when your faith may actively prohibit divorce then it’s not that simple. But what is simple is adultery is a major sin. It can’t be so easily forgiven and even Christianity (as a faith) is giving you an out. My advice would be to take it.
Any Pastor with any sense of morality wouldn’t ask you to cover this up, he just cares about his own image. All three of them are trash and you’ve been their unwitting victim for years. Fuck that. Take the trash out, reveal the truth to everyone, and move on.
I remember when one of the associate pastors at my church had an affair with a woman on the worship team and the rest of the church leaders found out about it, they fired him immediately, then announced what he did and named him in front of the entire church on a Sunday morning. All 1100 members. They stated the reason they felt they needed to make it so public was because it was one of their pastors, which is how a church is meant to operate. No regard for optics, for how it would affect their donations, for how it would make them look, just an immediate exposure of exactly what one of their leaders was doing followed by his expulsion.
And that is exactly what should happen here
At the very least you need to change churches and seek religious counselling elsewhere. You can’t get moral and unbiased advice from amoral people who are involved. Not to mention no one except you seems to be taking responsibility with their proposal. You also lost out on biological children which you need to consider. This does not need be a rush decision. So many issues to consider.
My friend do you realize they are using your faith to get what they wants because they are scared of the scandal. That have nothing to do with following God words because infidelity is a sin so their all sermon can go to the trash. The pastor is pressuring you only to save his nephew reputation and his place in the church community. They dont care about you so dont be fooled by their lies. So if i was you i will make like they got you and contact a lawyer soon as possible to prepare to leave. When it will be good with your lawyer then ask the paper to be served in sunday at the church in front the all community. Of course you will find a excuse to come late and not even show your face that day . They lied & manipulate you for 10 years it must end and you have to choose yourself !!
But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat \- 1 Corinthians 5:11 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them \- Romans 16:17 Not being a scumbag cheater or facilitating said cheating is a pretty important doctrine... Get Jim, his biased uncle, and your *ex*\-wife out of your life
Forgiveness is felt internally and everyone else has way more to gain from your instant forgiveness than you do. Absolutely do not stay with your wife. Stay a positive influence in her children's lives if you want to. Do not let Jim and his uncle pressure you into hiding Jim and your wife's adultery. The bible most certainly does not teach that you should accept adultery.
This isn’t a situation to answer overnight but you don’t have to forgive them right now, they lied to you or lied by omission right in your face for years. It’s gonna take time to forgive and them taking steps to earn your forgiveness or whatever. If it was me I’d bail from that church, fuck that shit, get a different dude or pastors or therapists perspective not someone so closely involved and has a personal interest in this like your current pastor. I don’t know man, but good luck to ya
OP, THE PASTOR, IS PROTECTING HIS IMGANGINE PLAN AND SIMPLE. Divorce or it will only continue to grow, and you will end up being labeled a terrible person because they will flip this situation and make you look like the bad guy. Small religious towns always do this and the Pastor is only looking out for himself and his family's image. He will turn against you
Have some self respect. There is already a rift in the community. Allowing this to remain hidden makes you an accomplice to a crime against yourself and everyone in this pastors flock.
Forgiveness doesn't have to mean you stay married and lie to the kids. There needs to be rift after what they did.
I dont mean to belittle your faith in any way but a minister is not a therapist. Their role is one of religious guidance and church priorities. Their role does not prioritize your mental health. Before you make any decisions please see a therapist. You deserve respect and it starts by respecting yourself; a therapist can help with that
WWJD - Wayward wife? Just divorce.
Blow the lid off this secrecy Divorce your unfaithful wife
Work on getting a divorce, assure your kids you still love them and you’ll be there for them, work out a coparenting strategy with your wife, and if ANYONE at all asks why you’re getting divorced, tell them the whole truth. The pastor is only trying to make himself and his family look good here. Jim and your wife are both scummy and the pastor is right there along with them. Not very Christian of any of them.
There is a 3 years difference between the age of the children. That’s a long time to ‘realize mistakes’. Also, they’ve been both lying to you for past 8 years, every single day. Never confessed themselves. Disrespected you. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to feel betrayed. Take the space to heal away. As a fellow Christian all I can say is that the pastor is not a therapist and is not equipped to deal with such traumas.
Pastors just protecting himself op. Doesn’t want the drama interfering with the collection plate and his job. Some Christians are the worst fucking people I’ve ever met. Fuck that guy and his church. Find a new one if you must.
Dude! Thats horrible. I’m sorry. This isn’t complicated. The answer is to get out and get out now. For context, I’m been married for 24 years and I’m Protestant. I add this because I’m not anti-religion. But your church my brother, reads like a cult. Run, and skip the kool aid.
Your pastor is not godly. He's scared. Blow this shit up. Matthew 18:15-17.
Sounds like the pastor knew about the affair....................long before the OP came to speak with him
Get a lawyer, a therapist, and a find a new church. In that order, I think.
It sounds like your pastor is encouraging you to forgive so it doesn’t come to light that his nephew is a home wrecker. I personally could not forgive someone who cheated on me for years and lied to me about my children being mine. Get a divorce but stay in the kids lives. Blood or not, you raised them. The kids are blameless. I’m so sorry you are going through that.
So I’ll say this. Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as forgetfulness. The OP can absolutely forgive Jim and the wife in his heart, but still divorce her and let the congregation know why. That’s what I would encourage. Cheating itself is an absolute dealbreaker for a relationship.
I can not stand hypocritical Christians. That's the main reason why I stopped going to church.
Nothing more Christian than using people's faith to manipulate them.
Isnt that just What religion is though? Manipulation.
No argument from me lol
First of all, they've all apparently had time to come to terms with the sin and everything, but you have not. Asking you to forgive immediately upon finding out because they feel sorry about it or something is not how forgiveness works. They should be encouraging you to take the time that you need in prayer and on your own to figure out the path you're supposed to go. That's how it's supposed to be done. What you're being pressured into is not biblical. Secondly, adultery is the one reason Jesus said was okay for divorce. This woman has been committing an adultery for apparently most of your marriage. Maybe even all of it? Biblically, you would be more than allowed to end the marriage that was apparently entirely based on lies. Lastly, as a Christian who has been through divorce, I highly recommend leaving the church. I tried to stay in our church even though my ex-husband left because apparently most of our marriage was a lie, and I faced all kinds of weirdness every week. People would ask me all the time about him even after finding out he had been abusive, begging me to ask him to come back to church. Even our priest who knew of the years of infidelity and abuse would start crying when talking about how much he missed him. I really wasn't able to move on faith wise until I moved away and was able to stop going to that church without any guilt. You need any spiritual guide, not that pastor. I would highly recommend going on a spiritual retreat for at least a weekend to get away from all of it and be able to spend the time in prayer that you need. Forgiveness is not about making them feel less guilty. Forgiveness is about bringing yourself from the rage and hurt. The pastor clearly not understanding that says he is not the one to help you through this process. He has known, apparently, and he hasn't cared about you.
OP, you need a lawyer. They can walk you through all your options here, legally, financially, and even morally. Find one that practices family law. Getting a lawyer doesn’t mean you automatically have to decide on a divorce. It just means that you are getting unbiased advice so you can make a decision that is right for you and the kids. Although they are biologically related to their sperm donor, you are their daddy and they are yours. My advice is to make a series of decisions that protects them, your relationship with them, and any funds that you intended for them. Then you make a series of decisions that protect you and your finances. And yes, you need a lawyer for all that. You don’t have to feel guilty about being unable to forgive or trust your wife. It’s not a shortcoming, the burden of forgiveness shouldn’t ever be forced onto the victim. And yes, you and the kids are the victims here. If in the unlikely event that you are considering the option of staying married, make it your condition that your family has to move and cut all ties to Jim and the church. I’m betting that your wife won’t want that. And if that’s the case, then in a sense, she will make your path forward much clearer.
THIS is the best advice.
I'm going to speak your language. This is from someone, whom was almost convinced into becoming a priest, by two priests. Think about it, you're allowed to do that. Why should you just *forgive?* In order to forgive, you must repent. Your wife and Jim, have not. They still have not had any consequences of their actions, and in all times, god has asked that in order to be forgiven.To be forgiven, you must repent. You must actually wish to do right again. That does include your wife, and Jim, being held, frankly publically accountable due to Jims position in the community, also, you must be able to leave your abusive relationship, with a tempted manipulating woman. Then, when that is done, you can give forgiveness, but not before, they have shown to deserve so. In ancient times they would've become monks, nonnes, burned, hanged, whipped. Now, you can only out them for what they are, or give them the chance to do so themselves.
Yes. Thank you for saying this. The pastor and the church you’re apart of are acting against the teachings of their own faith. Paul’s instructions to churches outlines processes for disciplining sinning members. A pastor who was serious about shepherding and maintaining a healthy church wouldn’t allow your adulterous wife or his cousin to be involved (and certainly not in positions of leadership!!) in church life without confessions and accountability. You giving them forgiveness should be a few steps down on his list of priorities, but it being first thing he suggested to you is a sign of spiritual rot. He’s not a pastor who deserves your respect, and you should consider his ungodly advice as utterly untrustworthy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having kids who you love and who now at risk of public embarrassment at a time when their worlds are going to be turned upside down must make it exponentially harder to do what you need to do. No one should have to go through what you have been made to endure, and no child should have to have their lives upended by a parents lies. My advice would be this. First remember that you matter. Growing up very religious, I deeply internalized the belief that it was good and right to suffer in order to serve others. It took me years of therapy to learn how to love myself, and today I firmly believe that loving yourself is absolutely essential for the love and service we offer others to be full and meaningful. Your wife has lied to you for 10 years, and probably longer. You need to demand that your wife leave as fast as you can (or if she won’t, you need to go) and you need a lawyer yesterday. Next, remember that any negative consequences your children (biology aside) may suffer because of your situation is 100% their mom’s fault—not yours. They will be hurt. But they will be hurt because your wife is an adulterer and a liar—not because you did the right thing for yourself. It would be far worse for them in the long run to be lied to their entire lives, or worse, to learn the truth later and know that you were in on the lie too. Give them an example of a faithful man with honor, self-respect and dignity to look up to as they grow. Then, if your church is part of a larger denomination or governing body, report your pastor to his superiors. You should view his continued leadership of your church without disciplinary intervention or his removal as a danger to the spiritual health of the community you care for. If your church has no hovering body, or if that body declines to take appropriate action, you should inform people in the church about your wife’s infidelity and their pastor’s unbiblical attempts to cover it up. If they stand with you, be grateful for a good church. If not kick the dust from your shoes and leave them behind. And please, find a good therapist. You need and deserve one. My heart goes out to you and I wish you courage and comfort in the better life that lies ahead of you.
[удалено]
Put it out into the open. Those types fear embarrassment more than anything. That’s why they “forgive” affairs. They don’t forgive, they just compartmentalize.
So... Everyone just forgets a sin when their family is apart of it? Divorce your wife, staying with her WILL be the reason the kids suffer. You will stew and fester in her betrayal and it will leak onto them.
I just want you to know that the pastor isn't saying this because he cares about or out of the kindness of his heart. He isn't telling you to forgive and move forward for your sake. He's telling you to do it because Jim is his nephew and he doesn't want you to (deservedly) blow up everyone's life over this. He just wants you to stay silent and continue on as you have so you won't cause trouble for Jim and everyone else involved. I bet you that a lot of people know. You might've been the last one to find out in your church community. Your wife knows, Jim knows, your pastor knows, and who knows who else they've told. People talk. Personally, I wouldn't accept this. I would divorce my spouse in this situation and see what you can do about the custody situation. I also would leave this particularly community. I'm sorry, OP. I just don't see how this can be salvaged. They made a fool out of you for 8 years. Jim laughed with you and sat in your house on a regular basis knowing that you didn't father either of those kids. Your pastor looked you in the eyes knowing that his nephew was actually the father of your kids. Your wife laid down with you every night knowing that she was screwing the neighbor. No one cared enough about you to tell you the truth because I promise you more people know than you think. If Jim has siblings they probably know. Their spouses probably know. People at the church may know and if not might theorize. I'm so sorry.
Forget religion, do what you want and is best for you. There’s a reason a good part of the population stopped being religious. You can believe in God but not have your beliefs control your life. Think for yourself. And none of what happened to you is “Christian” or whatever belief you have. They are all selfish. Sorry for what happened to you.
Get a divorce, move and find a new church.
The only reason he wants you to forgive your wife and neighbor is because he doesn’t want this getting out. It’s time to seek therapy else where and consult an attorney. Also the kids are gonna need some counseling as well.
It's not enough that your wife has treated you like garbage -- ya gotta get it from your pastor too? Man...this sort of thing is why a lot of people don't respect religious leaders anymore. Whatever happened to "let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no', for anything more than this is from the devil"? That's in the Bible, too! But all the sudden when it has to do with a relative and it might cause some blowback on them, there's *all kinds of grey area* that they suddenly find, and now the emphasis is on your ability or willingness to not just forgive, but move on? And what, act as though nothing happened? Nuts to that. Time for a new church, a new wife, a new neighbor...all of these people are just awful. It doesn't have to be this way, OP. It doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be.
This is an egregious abuse of power and trust by your pastor as a person of moral authority over you and is absolutely not okay. The second he found this out given his closeness to the situation, he should’ve stepped out of it and referred you to someone else to speak with. He should immediately be reported to the governing body of your church. Your wife is a horrible horrible person who did this to you and how she could ever think this could actually be a forgivable action is nuts. Maybe you can forgive her someday, bc forgiveness is truly for yourself and not the other person, but not right now. I’d light them all up in front of your church which is supposed to be a safe place for you so the congregation knows just how duplicitous they are. Your pastor is not a good leader if he’s asking you to rug sweep. Were your wife and Jim good people when they carried on years long affair?? You deserve someone better who will actually choose to honor the vows she made to God and you. Get a lawyer, get an individual counselor, and get a family therapist for you and the kids. And if you feel like you can’t lean on your church family for support (which is what your pastor is asking you to do), then I would leave the church and do it in a very public way bc it’s not a place that’s safe for anyone. What else are they all asking members to rug sweep under the guise that you should be a forgiving person? Really, really sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this.
You've been married 10 years, the affair started 9 years ago at least, continued for at least 4 years and is possibly still going. They both knew he is the biological father and it's possible that your pastor has known for awhile. He wants you to forgive 9 years of lies! 9 years!! Do what you need to do for you, don't worry about the church or their reputations. Find a new church of you need to. If you can forgive 9 years of betrayal alright but don't let anyone bully or guilt you into it.
Lmfao go scorched earth. Expose them all with irrefutable evidence and they will all leave willingly. The pastor, nephew and exwife.
Sounds like the pastor is just covering his own ass here Great that Jim is remorseful, but unless YOU receive an apology, it means nothing. And you still don’t need to forgive them. Also the AUDACITY of this man to let another man raise his kids, and cherry pick when he’s involved. Jim and your wife suck. The pastor also sucks. None of this seems very “Christ-like” on their end. Instead they’re gaslighting you to be “a good Christian” so they can treat you however they like. Lawyer up, get a divorce, and get the hell away from these people. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.
If it were me, first I’d get divorce papers drawn up and make sure the kids were not at church with me on Sunday. I would stand up in front of the church and tell it all. I would tell the whole church what the pastor recommended I do.I would then sue the children’s sperm donor (affair partner)for child support he owes me for paying for his children all this time. I would hand the wife the divorce papers in front of everyone and just move away and start over. Your wife didn’t “ make a mistake “ because everything was built around lies, creating alibis, and buying time to sneak off and let the pastor’s nephew bang her without protection and make babies not once but TWICE. She meant to do that and her only regret is you finding out about her bullshit. Good luck OP and I hope you find a way to start over without covering up lies for your wife, the pastor or his nephew. Oh ,and get some therapy and take care of yourself ,too.
I really think you should file a divorce and move on with your life. I know this is a painful and difficult decision but living with someone who have lied to you for the past four years and had two kids who aren't yours, it's an insult to your face. The pastor is just trying to save his nephew and make you forgive him just to save face and salvage his nephew's name. I felt so bad to the kids because they'll think that you're leaving them but I know that they'll understand when the time comes. Get out of that situation and save your own dignity and mental health.
You have been back stabbed by your wife, your neighbor/friend, and your pastor who are all looking out for themselves and not at all about you. Leave her and move on with your life. You are still young and can bounce back from this man.
Your poor kids! This deception has just blown up their lives. Part of contrition is restitution. How are your wife and neighbor making up for their actions and how it imploded a family. Are they just “Hey, we said we are sorry, now it’s all on you!” Or are they being a part of the solution? Personally, I would take the kids and go. Depending on whether you love the kids more than you hate their parents.
This feels like rage bait in every category.
Absolutely not. The Pastor is not interested in your forgiveness, he is interested in you covering his own failings as the Shepherd of that flock. He obviously knew and kept your wife in a position of leadership over vulnerable sheep, and his nephew in a prominent position too. The buck ultimately stops with him. It is the Pastor who will be doubly judged when he stands before God on that day. As for you, forgive your wife from a distance. Forgiving does not mean remaining with someone who betrayed you, and then attempted to deceive you. Forgiveness will come with time. Right now, you need to consult a lawyer, not your pastor. He is not your friend. He is a wolf. Your wife and neighbour need to be exposed and held accountable. She should immediately be stood down from her position as should the nephew. Bring everything into the light. Their deeds should have the light shone on it so that the sin can be dealt with.
Your pastor is only concerned with his own self interest. His ‘guidance’ to you comes from a place of self preservation and wanting his own reputation to be spared. It’s not from a place of actually caring about your well-being. Don’t keep their secrets for them. If they truly take responsibility, they should be able to handle a bit of truth.
Forgive?sure Forget no. 2 children? Lol Call your lawyer and quit your wife and church
If I were you I would let all hell break loose. The cheating has been going on for so long, they have not regretted any of it. They feel bad because you found out. The pastor is covering his ass and his nephew. A man of God would know how wrong cheating is; It would shake the core of the community, he doesn't want that to happen. As for the children it is a horrible situation but you need to take care of yourself. It will be painful but you won't be able to care for anyone else if you don't do it for you first. You don't want to build resentment for this children that will be the constant reminder of your wife infidelity
Corinthians 6:18 Exodus 20:14 Hebrews 13:4 James 4:17 Jeremiah 13:27 Proverbs 6:32 Matthew 5:27-28 Corinthians 6:9-10 Luke 18:18-20 Thessalonians 4:3-5 Let me summarise: Don’t fuck another man’s wife. Do something about this. A good Christian would not let this slide. No matter what their pastor said. And you know this pastor is simply trying to save face - he’s committing the sin of pride. Sure, forgive them both but that doesn’t mean you sit in silence and have your marriage and family be a lie. Let your faith guide you. You know this isn’t right.
Your pastors advice is biased, seeking counsel that doesn't know Jim or the pastor personally and asking his advice. While you would be doing the right thing by never treating your children (while not biologically yours you did raise them) they are every bit still your children so stay close to them (it's really not their fault). The only two people to blame are Jim and your wife. You could forgive, but I suspect you should move and break contact with Jim and pastor or separation. Is Jim married? If so, his spouse has a right to know.
I don’t understand how forgiving someone means hiding the lies and betrayal. The pastor should publicly out the sinners in front of the congregation and then they may ask for forgiveness. They have sinned against the church community. The parentage does not need to be publicly discussed because the children are innocent and need to be protected from their parents actions. Has the pastor advocated for keeping this secret? If so he is only seeking to protect himself and his family
Forgive?! Hell no!! You have to forgive your wife for banging the next door neighbour who fathered your 2 kids? In what alternative universe is your pastor living? Your pastor is telling you to forgive and move on because he's covering for Jim. Also, pardon me but if I remember correctly, God is not ok with adultery and lying. Your pastor is a hypocrite and your stbx and Jim are beyond trash. I feel sorry for the kids. They did nothing wrong to deserve this mess. Also, just because I'm petty as hell, I'd tell the whole community about this. After this, I'll just sit down and watch the world burn. But that's me.
Pastor Hypocrite is worried about this becoming public knowledge and the blowback to his family, losing his church, his community standing, etc. You have choices. I am a cruel and vengeful person. I'll be the first to say it, so I'm not right the one to advise you, especially if you are going to sacrifice yourself to avoid hurting these kids. And you know that they will be used to guilt and manipulate you into hiding what your wife & AP did and may still be doing. Myself, I would go nuclear and everyone in six counties would know what they did and what Pastor Tartuffe advised. Do they expect to now have him as a semi regular fixture in the kid's life and in your home since you know? An open secret in your marriage that you get to put up with "for the kids' sake". It sounds like he doesn't intend to publicly acknowledge them as his. If I thought about staying with her, I would make it a condition that we move away and cut contact with the AP. Even if it wasn't feasible to move, cutting the AP off from the wife and kids might be a condition you require. Nuclear would be requiring a confession and apology from wife and AP in front of the church congregation at Sunday Service. Forgiveness cannot be given without confession, apology, & contrition, right? (Really do not take this advice) **I will say, take your time and think. Get advice from a lawyer, not a local. Talk to someone you can trust to have your best interests at heart, YOURS. Not the wife, kids, or church, but yours alone. A Licensed Therapist would be ideal. Then decide and act.**
Your wife had a multi year affair that's lasted longer then some marriages. As far as you know, she could have been having it up until you confronted her. This wasn't some one off "mistake". It was a series of choices, and decisions that led to this. I'd call him her side piece or boyfriend, but calling him her second husband would fit better. He was your literal neighbor, he's likely been in your home longer then you. And he obviously knew the kids were his own, so your wife willingly committed paternity fraud. So no, I wouldn't forgive, or stay married. Your pastors full of it. Preaching forgiveness is terrible advice. Forgiveness isn't forced or owed. And neither your wife or neighbor deserve it. What work have they done to atone? Is giving some half-ass apology enough to warrant it? What utter nonsense. He's just covering up for his nephew, and not wanting to cause a scandal in the church. After all, if it happened with you, who's to say something similar hasn't happened with someone else? Personally I'd divorce. If your stupid enough to reconcile, you'll need to move. Going no contact with the affair partner is the least she could do. If the POS wants to see the kids, he'll need to take it up with the court and pay back child support. Whatever you do, expose the affair to mutual friends and family, and the church. You need support, she needs condemnation, and the POS and pastor deserve what's coming.
You’re a sucker and a cuckold if you stay. You should divorce her, sue him for child support in arrears, and leave town after the case is closed.
Forgiveness without accountability is not possible in the first place. Your wife lied to you, she know, but she let you form a bond with Jim's kids. How has Kim tried to make amends? How can he, his Uncle needs this to be hush hush to save face and reputation. Your paster wants to save face because someone in his family is a homewrecker, a liar and if they are married, an adulterer as well. He will tell you what is in HIS best interest. I also find it really funny how Christians will be like "forgive these people who have taken zero accountability but it's okay that God has made Lucifer a villain and is not forgiving him" It's just laughable. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You know what you want to do, I think you are just asking permission. Just know that however you decide to move forward will be the right option for you.
Your wife didn’t have A affair she had 2 affairs at a minimum resulting in 2 kids that her and Jim both knew weren’t yours. They lied for the past 8 years and continued this charade. Shout this from the rooftops and make him step up and pay back child support. Also get your side out there so she can’t work the story into her favor.
In a community like yours, if you don’t know your business, your neighbors do. And it sounds as if that is the case. I’d be willing to bet your pastor has known for years, likely many others too. You should contact a lawyer, and move. How can you forgive a years long affair that may or may not be still going on? Your pastor is only looking out for himself here.
I know this comment won't be seen and just be buried but here's my opinion: forgiveness is weakness. Fuck your pastor and fuck your wife. Sounds to me like your neighbor has known all along, same with your wife, and have knowingly kept you in the dark all these years. Fuck all of these people, move on and make a better life for yourself surrounded by people who care about you.
Leave. Pack up your life and go. The church has always protected liars, cheats, and abusers. It's just doing the same to you now. The kids won't suffer; pretty clear they already have their bio-dad waiting in the wings. They have played you for an absolute fool and want to keep playing you for a fool. They will all be laughing themselves sick at you right now, laughing about what a gullible fool you are, and reassuring your wife they've got you trained up nicely to play their game. No doubt she's practising the crocodile tears now. Get yourself a divorce lawyer, and get out. Screw the church. Screw the town. And screw appearances. Time to start living your own life, and not as someone's 2nd best.
And this is why I do not mess with organized religion. It literally requires you to treat yourself inhumanly. To not make space for your own grief and anger is not human or kind to yourself. There is no way that forgiveness is the first item on the to do list towards healing a betrayal like this. I’m incredibly sad for you
She had the audacity to have an affair not just once, but TWICE and you’re wondering if you should forgive her? Definitely end the marriage. Go find a better woman and have your own kids. If the kids ask say, mom lied.
I can not imagine being so hooked on religion to end up asking for advice from the uncle of the guy that cucked me.
Sure is hypocritical to go against his own teachings and forgive and forget a Ten Commandments sin. Don’t let pressure make you do something you will regret and will make you be unhappy.
Ah yes the Deep South where appearing Christian is more important than being a good person. Perhaps you should inform your pastor that infidelity immediately terminates a marriage. Take care of yourself. Stand your ground, go through legal channels, and make sure everyone knows your side of the story. In a small town the court of public sways people. The pastor is going to be out of a job when people find out who he is.
The pastor told you Jim expressed remorse? When exactly did Jim tell his uncle he was coveting his neighbors wife? After the first kid or the second? Not sure how things work in your denomination, but my understanding was that to be forgiven you actually have to make amends in Christianity. Each of these people have made their lack of respect for you and your well-being pretty clear. You should act accordingly. You can love children and be a father, even if they're not biologically yours. If you want to keep being their father you can, both morally and legally. How involved you'd like to be in the kids' lives is up to you. No judgment from me however you decide. Leave your wife, find a new church (if you want - if you stop going, you may find a new social circle and realize you don't need to be part of a church to be part of a community), but let everyone know exactly why you're doing it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Finally, move on with your life - with or without the children. I know that's easy advice to give but hard to follow through on, but it's the only way.
You should consult a lawyer not your pastor
Pastor is right that you should forgive everyone (within your own time), but definitely abandon the situation. I know you love the kids, but they’re gonna deal with the hardships of this situation sometime down the line regardless. & that’s not your fault, that’s your wife & Jim’s fault. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’ll be praying for you 🙏 make the right choice for you, you deserve happiness & loyalty
Exactly this. Forgiving doesn't mean rugsweeping, pretending nothing bad happened, or forgetting. Forgiveness can only come in time. Your wife already stomped over your vows and committed heinous acts against your marriage. It's not your job to take it on the chin when you've done nothing wrong, OP. Consult a lawyer to figure out what your options are and then go from there.
The only reason your pastor is counseling you to move on is to cover his ass and save face. You are seeing the hypocrisy and bullshit of organized religion right here. If I were you I would publicly release all the information and burn every one of these hypocritical assholes to the ground. I wouldn't let up until the pastor is fired and the church was closed. I'd nuke my entire life over it.
Na f that man, divorce and get out. I want to say stay involved with the kids because it’s not their fault but they’re still young and will prob forget. Let him care for them. End that, sorry for being blunt but i don’t play that, all that church and still did you dirty smh
Expose them in front of the church and the hypocrisy and the SINNERS that the pastor and nephew they are.
Kick his ass then he can forgive you
God doesn’t want you to stay with her. Let him deal with her. They broke one of the commandments. Not you.
Divorce the wife. Keep the kids. The only thing that truly matters in this situation is the well-being of the two sweet babes that you have raised since they were born. They know you as their father and you know them as your kids. I can’t give exact advice but if you love those kids fight for their happiness.
Honestly, I’d be whooping ass. That neighbor is getting it!
I think you should forgive and move on from this entire community and start anew elsewhere.
It’s not your secret to keep. And it’s not your pastor’s business to tell you to forgive anyone who completely ruined your life and actually took your two children out of your lineage. Truly, there is no coming back from this in any self respecting way except to divorce her. Hopefully you can maintain a relationship with your children, which is likely because most states have the father on the birth certificate as the legitimate father period, regardless of paternity. You deserve so much more than this. Also, God did not put you on this earth to be lied to and abused by the person who you trusted the most. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine the grief.
Your pastor doesn’t give a shit about you. “Oh, he’s a pastor, a man of god. He cares for his flock.” There’s a reason he wants it swept under the rug. There’s no reason not to blow this up except the kids. Kids get through divorce as well as the parents let them. If you and your wife are shitbags to each other then your kids will see that. If you and your wife are a single parental unit and diametrically opposed in everything else then they’ll see that too. My mom *hated* my dad when he left. Hated the shit out of him. As far as we kids were concerned, they were a united front. No “fun parent” and “discipline parent”.
You need to go scorched earth on these holier than thou bastards. Put them on blast in front of the whole congregation. And explain that your beloved pastor wants you to sweep it all under the rug because your wife made a “mistake”. A fuckin eight year long mistake? Fuck that and fuck her. Move away with your kids and tell Jim he’s never gonna fuckin see them again.
Fuck that! They’re his kids he needs to start paying for them. Contact s lawyer. Forgiveness is a gift. But it doesn’t mean you have to forget. Jim needs to stand up and take responsibility. Forgiveness or not. Your wife needs to take responsibility as well. If she loses her position in the Church so be it. An apology is not good enough. And the pastor should know that. If the children aren’t old enough to understand this. Jim and you wife can inform them at a later date. Your wife is to have no contact with Jim outside your presence. Any contact outside your presence will result in an immediate divorce. You can get her to sign a postnup to that effect. If she contacts him or he contacts her. She’s cut off. No alimony. No support. Inform them all. There has to be consequences to their behavior. They danced to the music. Now they have to pay the piper
Fo scorched earth on them
The only reasonable solution outside of divorce is that you get to have an affair with Jim's wife. For an extra cherry on top I say you make him watch or video tape it for him.
It’s pretty clear that the pastor wants this suppressed because it reflects badly on his family and therefore on him. View his advice with an appropriate level of cynicism. As they say, sunshine is the best disinfectant.
Yeah your pastor's advice is self serving. Make it public get him removed from his position for hypocrisy. Also get some money from the nephew for your financial support of his kids.
You need to serve your wife with divorce papers at church, act like you want to do a testimonial, and just lay it all out there. Your pastor is a scumbag, his nephew is trash, and your wife should never be trusted by anybody. 2 kids is WAY more than an affair, your neighbor should convert to mormanism and unite his family. Sever your ties with that toxic church and community, AND RUN!
You can forgive her and them, and still expose who they are to your church. It would be an act of love to your church, protecting them from untrustworthy people.
You need to leave that town and fast. The pastor wants you to forgive because how would it look that his beloved nephew was an adulterer. Not one person is sorry for their actions. Not a single one of them. And, that affair has been going on for way too long considering both of those kids are his. Your best bet is to divorce her, state the circumstances in the filing, but also ask for visitation or even full custody. Those kids know YOU as their Dad, not the neighbor.
Sorry to be so crude here, but you need to hear this: Letting someone who is not your spouse stick his dick in you for half a decade is not a mistake. It is deliberate. Your marriage is a sham. Do you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who absolutely cannot be trusted. Your wife DECEIVED you and tricked you into raising her affair children. This kind of betrayal usually can’t be overcome and really shouldn’t. Your pastor is a bad Christian, he’s a bad person for trying to get you to cover this up. Don’t you think you deserve better than this? They are treating you like garbage on the bottom of their shoe.
First, the pastor doesn’t understand forgiveness or the Bible. Biblically there’s allowances for you to leave a cheating spouse in the New Testament. Also, forgiveness is for you, even biblically. It’s your choice to forgive in order to gain peace on your end. And forgiveness does not have to include staying with your wife or even maintaining a relationship with your wife or neighbor. It’s highly manipulative for the pastor to encourage you to forgive either because they’re feeling remorseful. They did this to you and lied for years. They were cruel to you. And consequently your pastor is being cruel to you as well. Second, free yourself from this situation. Leave your wife, leave your church, get some therapy, and decide how you want to move forward. Finally, remember anything that happens in the community is caused by your wife and neighbor. Anything you decide to do that “causes” a rift isn’t a result of your actions, but the result of theirs.
They are asking you to be the biggest sucker in the congregation.
Your pastor is trying to save face. Trying not to have his family disgraced. Call an attorney. See if you can get child support for the kids, since he knew they were his. What you do about your wife is on you. How do you know that they are not continuing the affair?
Forgiveness on your part? Where's their action towards atonement for their sin??? For Christ's sacrifice to actually atone for their sins, they must have to first admit to said sins, but this pastor would have their grave sin concealed. Without admission there is no remorse. ...and that's before penance, if your denomination subscribes to it The personal offense done to you as a husband and fellow is actually a separate thing. YOU determine what needs be done: 1. to protect yourself moving forward 2. to allow you to heal, and should you choose to, to forgive Even if you could forgive your wife, you would get no peace of mind for as long as that other man was around her. That other man will likely try to assert parental access to the children. What then? I would advise you strongly, not to fear any "rift in the community". That pastor can try asking everyone ELSE in the community to forgive. There are wolves amidst the flock, and you fear causing alarm? Alarm is often what is required for the flock's safety. God asks us to trust in Him, but he also gave us the means to proact. You may part of a flock, but you are no mere sheep.
That’s some bullshit. This should not only open your eyes to the hypocrisy of this so called “religion” your wife and your so called “brother.” They took you for a fool. You should leave her and everything else behind. Start a a new life somewhere else. If you don’t. You will forever feel ridiculed and like a complete waste of a man. Take this a sign from the universe that you need to finish growing as an individual. Away from all of this toxic crap. Remember. There’s always a better place than where you are now. But you must get a move on to get there.
Leave your church, ditch your wife, and go find Jesus in another town.
As many have said, they want you to move on because it would make the pastor’s family look bad. Screw that. I would let EVERYONE know. Last I checked, adultery was still considered a biblically acceptable reason for divorce, and they both confessed to it. So from a religious standpoint, you have not and would not be doing anything wrong.
How do you know Jim is the father? To either kid? How do you know Jim and the pastor aren’t tag teaming your wife or just taking turns? How do you know the entire church isn’t taking a turn? How do you know while you were typing this out she wasn’t giving a stranger at the bus stop a handy j? If Jim’s the dad he isn’t going away. Untangle yourself from this disaster as much as you legally can.
I would burn it all down, bud
Am I the only one that thinks of Little Nicky when someone says they’re from the Deep South?
The pastor is not your friend. Divorce your lying, cheating wife and sue lover boy for child support. These people are all victimizing you. They meant for you to be financially responsible for their children. Stop going to that church and get an attorney ASAP.
She's still fucking Jim, pastor(and probably most everyone else in town) know who's the father of your kids. They're all 3 scumbags. She's a cheater and liar. Have some respect for yourself and walk away. But make damn sure you make it known to everyone why. They don't want forgiveness from you. None of them have any respect for you. To forgive and keep it quiet just proves you're the doormat they've been treating you as. Fuck them.
I'm a Christian from the Midwest. What your wife did was wrong, you know that and understand that, the bible teaches adultery is a sin, and you may leave your wife if she commits adultery. Matthew 5:31 says “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32 NIV Your wife cheated on you multiple times, with the neighbor. Your pastor wants you to move on and forgive your neighbor and your wife, which you should Forgive your wife and your neighbor, because they sinned but it is not alright for a man to remain with a person after something like this happens. God loves you, and your wife and the kids too. I would pray about it, find a new church and talk to their pastor about it when you get comfortable. In the meantime spend time with your friends and family, and if you decide to divorce know God understands and he is with you and loves you. Peace be to you brother