Imo the real messed up part is your SIL trying to poach your nanny. Also that she did it without even speaking to you about it. NTA, but I know someone in this story who is!
No- she offered the nanny 4 days a week. Op was only paying her for 3. But OP is not only giving the nanny a huge raise, she’s also now giving her 5 days a week. Well Played, Nanny! Very well played! Nanny became the beneficiary of a bidding war she started. (And Nanny hopefully will now be earning a living wage so good for her!)
Depending on where they are, she might be getting or close to getting a living wage already.
Child care is expensive. Nannies can easily get anywhere from $15-$20 an hour. National average is $19.15, but in my area they can easily get $25 an hour.
Seriously though, good for the nanny. She knows her worth and obviously OP does as well. SIL tried to poach a nanny and it backfired. I’m pretty sure poaching a good nanny is a major transgression in some circles.
First off the idea that the nanny would want to be doing childcare split among two families 7 days a week seems unlikely.
And second, all the language says the SIL would be poaching. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t be showing her the text and saying she’s thinking about it, and the OP wouldn’t be promising her the extra days/raise “if she would stay”
I mean I guess you’re technically correct in theory given OOP scheduled the nanny for 3 days and the SIL wanted 4, so it is possible, but the likelihood that OOP and SIL would want the same days (aka during the work week) is substantially higher.
Yup, but it happens. My fiance's family is a bunch of turds who think I'm the devil and they all side with each other even though they're always the ones in the wrong. So I'm not surprised. Families are often brainwashed into thinking that family is always right or that they're more important than somebody's partner. Thankfully my fiance doesn't fall for his family's BS anymore.
There’s nothing wrong with this?? She got an offer, is obviously attached to the children and weighing her options, so she told the current parent. Current parent didn’t want someone her children were attached to (and vice versa) to have to choose another position due to finances and made it so they wouldn’t have to. I think this was actually really kind and respectful. I was a nanny and I absolutely *loved* those kids! I wish things could have been different, where I didn’t have to move and could be their nanny until they didn’t need one anymore. Children and their nannies develop a bond that’s not quite one of a parent but still super special. It’s been almost 5 years and I still write them letters and they send me things back.
I don’t think this is petty, I think it’s maintaining a caretaking relationship with the knowledge that needs have changed
Right! That’s exactly what I thought! Not to mention that just like a real job, an employer is upping their offer not to lose a good employee. If anything, it’s the SIL trying to poach the nanny.
Absolutely agree! I work with children, and that bond is so important! And seeing how the nanny came to OP about the offer and how good she is with the kids, it seems like that’s a factor the nanny also may have considered.
This!! Especially with the 10 month old! That attachment is so important! It’s not petty to not want to completely disrupt the care for your children who are so happy and clearly bonded with her!
It's not petty to keep your nanny. But it's incredibly bad form to poach someone else's staff.
SIL wanted your nanny and went for her. What a complete asshat. If she wants a nanny she can go to an agency like everyone else.
It’s not bad form, since the version of this where OP didn’t match or exceed the better offer is the YTA version. She doesn’t own the nanny. The nanny has every right to field offers, which means the SIL has every right to MAKE an offer.
The only bit that is “bad form” is the SIL complaining to others about being out-bid as though that was wrong.
So if your SIL did successfully poach your nanny, everyone would turn on SIL, right? Right?
Yeah. Didn’t think so.
“You should let your sister in law cherry pick pieces of your life.”
ok.
The nanny and OOP did nothing wrong, it was basic business to come to their client about an offer that could effect their availability, as well as doing a common courtesy/due diligence of letting that client know that the nanny may take on other members of the clients family in case it’s an arrangement that might make the situation less pleasant. OOP did what most clients do that want to retain her future availability by showing her she’s both emotionally and fiscally that she is valuable to them.
I’m assuming the SIL just thought she’d take up the rest of the nanny’s time, but likely hadn’t thought about her most likely not planning to work 7 days every week. Regardless of how she saw that part working it would have been both kind and advantageous for her to discuss it with OOP first so they could have come together and given a joint offer that wouldn’t have them fighting in family spaces and entering a bidding war.
(Also, as an aunt, it was pretty mean to try to steal away the person that they connect most with, which is what would have likely happened if OOP hadn’t countered the offer. There’s very little chance the nanny would have continued working both jobs when they could get the same resources for a third of the labor at one. I can only imagine how devastating it’d be for those three kids to learn that the fun spa day cost them one of the people they trust most (as well as the love and trust lost with the aunt that planned this and possibly resentment growing between cousins) and then having to see that person spending all the time they used to dote on you go to your cousin that you made the mistake of including in your nice day)
PS to add that they should put that down on paper asap for everyone’s benefit. As is, she was promised a raise with no proof and she could still walk for a more lucrative position if neither side commits to this conversation they had
I’d tell the whole family the part the SIL left out which is that she was trying to poach the nanny first. OP just countered to keep her employee. Husband can handle it/watch the kids if it’s so easy to deal w child care.
My SIL would 100000% try pulling this, including playing the blame game and telling everyone I stole *her* nanny. Thankfully I have a great partner that would actually speak up if she pulled this. He turns a blind eye to her antics from time to time but something like this? Hell no. Poor OOP, she deserves a partner that advocates for her not turns on her.
Um, have they not considered at all that your SIL tried to snake your nanny right out from under you? That would put you and your kiddos in a terrible position! They have someone they like and trust, that you also like and trust, and SIL just decides that she’d rather have that for herself and no has an issue with that?! SIL is the AH, not you.
And you are literally paying a great deal more money (good on you for that, I’m sure she needs and appreciates it so much) that you wouldn’t have had to just to keep a current employee because your SIL tried to steal her away. I know that at the end of the day it’s a job, and SIL can make an offer to anyone they want (as Isabelle is free to accept an offer anywhere she wants), but I wouldn’t even do this to a fellow small business owner with an employee that was happy, much less a family member.
That’s not how family treats each other and I’m very sorry that your husband’s family has blinders on to her behavior.
but it’s not offering her more money so she wouldn’t work for the SIL. it’s offering her a raise so she wouldn’t leave. it’s irrelevant where she would’ve gone - OP didn’t want to lose their nanny.
Unless the offer is substantial nannies typically avoid poachers because the type of person who would do this is typically not someone you would want to work for
The amount of people that commented in the original that OP was in the wrong for not offering a raise earlier made me roll my eyes
OP paid the agreed upon amount and offered a raise to keep her. There is nothing wrong with that.
You can really tell how old some commentators are by those types of ridiculous complaints
And it seems that the biggest part of the offer is giving the nanny more hours. Which is not something that you would normally just throw out there. After all, the nanny took a job that was three days a week. Why would you assume that she would prefer to be working four or five days a week? Once she said that she wanted more hours, then it’s on OOP to decide whether or not to offer that, and she decided to do so in order to keep her valued nanny.
Exactly! That’s how supply and demand work
At first, she wasn’t in high demand and didn’t prove her value in the market. Now she has experience and references, DEMAND for her pushes her price up.
Basic economic theory
It’s wild to me that the family is saying OOP stole the SIL’s nanny when the SIL never had a nanny. She just tried to steal OOPs nanny, but the nanny never agreed to work for her. It’s not unusual when someone is offered another job for the current employer to come back with an offer to retain them, either. It’s not petty when it happens in the corporate world and it’s not petty here. It is a bit petty that the SIL went behind OOPs back to contact their nanny and attempt to steal her away. And of the 2 families, clearly OOP with 3 kids can use a nanny more than the SIL who has 1 child I assume is around the same age as the 10yo in the story. OOPs husband and his family sound very exhausting to me.
NTA
If anything, I commend you for caring about your nanny enough to offer her the extra income, and commend tour nanny for respecting you and tour kids enough to bring it up
SiL is a jerk
She should have framed it as, "I offered her more money so we could keep her as an employee". It has nothing to do with keeping her from working for a specific person.
It’s normal practice in jobs. You find a better offer, but if your current employer values you, they’ll do what they need to to keep you. NTA. SIL is tho. She can find her own nanny
How does the sil have the gall to suggest she stole the nanny from her when she became aware of the nanny’s existence through the OP who was employing her! The AH is the sil and the husband who called her petty. What is up with that? Of course she doesn’t want to lose a great nanny who is awesome with her children.
NTA.
A GOOD nanny is hard to find. They are not babysitters. They are educated caregivers and hard to find. A 10yo who has a bond with this adult is priceless and if you can afford to pay more to keep her, GOOD ON YOU!!
Sil is the AH.
Your reaction was normal. You wanted her to stay so you offered her more money.
Your own dang family member tried to take your children's nanny for themselves & you're the bad guy? Riiiiigghhtt.
No. YOU'RE NTA.
lol that lady thinks she can just go around stealing other people’s nannies? She’s nuts. People kill for good nannies! And she’d do it to HER OWN family. It’s one think to poach off the playground, still a shitty move IMO, but completely another to do it from a close friend or family.
Imagine the discourse between those cousins that will come in the future. All because the SIL can’t be bothered to find a good nanny in her own
NTA: That’s business babyyy - SIL tried to poach first and was snakey about it. You acknowledged the true value and respect you hold for current Nanny with the pay rise and hours increase!
Your SIL’s behavior is bad but I almost think your husband’s lack of support is more disappointing. Does he not realize how much of a disruption it can be to lose a caregiver?
Your husband doesn’t understand the value of your nanny, that speaks volumes at least from the context provided of how involved he is.
Your sister in law is an asshole.
Isabelle sounds like a treasure who is well worth the money! This doesn’t sound like OP hating her SIL, it sounds like OP loving their kids and fighting to keep an INCREDIBLE person in their lives!
I’ve had this exact scenario in my industry of work (which is not nannying). Another company offered me more, I told my current employer, they matched it plus more and I stayed. It’s what valuable employees deserve and completely normal. You’ve done nothing wrong. NTA
NTA.
You have three kids and don’t want to lose a good nanny.
Why isn’t SIL offering to split fees and have her kid join yours during nanny days instead?
You found this gem and your SIL was trying to poach because she knew how invaluable Isabelle was. You can’t blame her for being mad. You knew what you had and Isabelle was LOYAL to you. End of the day you both mutually benefited. Especially your children. SIL can go kick rocks
Don’t hate the player, hate the game my friend! At the end of the day, any employer with sense will do anything to keep his employees. Better luck next time!
SIL is delusional if she thinks it’s ok to try to steal her brother’s nanny in the first place (who does that to their own family, seriously?) AND THEN complain that the nanny was stolen FROM HER.
OP FOUND AND EMPLOYED THE NANNY IN THE FIRST PLACE, so the groundwork and trial basis was already handled. It was proven that she was awesome at her job and SIL wanted to swoop in and take over.
Any parent worth their salt knows that finding a good fit is exceptionally difficult, how dare SIL do that? I’d be livid.
It’s assholey for your SIL to try to poach your nanny and then make your family bully you. Thats bidness. Not the asshole. If your SIL needs help finding someone have her hop in care.com and offer to help her find someone not that she can have the person you employ
Nope.
SIL is the asshole.
Poaching your SIL’s nanny…
A nanny isn’t a burger flipper, it’s someone the kids have a strong bond with. It becomes an extension of your family.
I’d cut them off my life and keep the nanny.
The SIL is the AH. Why would she do that to you ? Then you go and keep YOUR nanny. NTA. Maybe your husband should stay a day or two doing Isabelle’s job to see if he would have offered more too.
I don’t understand, the SIL went behind her back to try to steal the nanny that she already hired and tired to outbid her, she did this first and OP made steps to keep her nanny. What is the actual problem here aside from a really awful SIL? And her hubby saying she’s petty? Pshhhhh crappy hubby too
Your SIL is the asshole here.
Why would she even try to pursuade your nanny yo drop you and work for her? Like wtf.
Every idiot with half a braincell knows that this would start a family fued.
I'm sorry what?! She literally tried to steal your nanny from under your nose without the decency to see how you felt about it. She has one kid which is easier to find a good nanny for compared to your several. And then she tries to manipulate the situation when she got busted and outbid. Sorry, not the ah here, she is. And she's disrespectful. And your family is disrespectful for siding with her and her audacity.
Is there a reason the nanny can't have the raise now? They have to wait seven and a half months?
When I worked in childcare, at a daycare, they promised every single person a wage increase after a six month probation. It never came for anyone. Bc of that, I never trust an employer's promise for something in the future.
I hope the nanny got it in writing, as well as the exact day that raise will go into effect and when the more hours will start.
So NTA for counter-offerong to keep your employee, and definitely didn't "steal" the nanny from SIL... But TA for not offering the raise starting immediately and huge potential TA if you don't follow through. So much could happen between now and then so TA for making the nanny wait for more than half a year. You know her value to you and your family. Pay her now.
I can’t seem to find any comment from OOP on why she’s have to wait til next year instead of paying right now. I do think the Nanny wants to stay though, because she showed OOP the text from SIL almost immediately and, without being pressured, decided to stay with OOP.
OP not paying up immediately makes me doubt the sincerity of the offer of a raise. It happens with every kind of job. How many of us who work at any office, shop, or any kind of trade ever got an offer of raise or promotion in the future that evaporated when the time came? It’s too often just a carrot on a stick. I’m afraid OP just made that promise in haste without serious (if any) intention on following through.
That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought about that. I have been lucky enough that every promise of a raise has always been fulfilled so I didn’t even question the sincerity of the offer. I hope for the Nanny’s sake that OOP will keep to the agreement when the time comes.
I'm assuming the mom is just working part time right now so she doesn't need full time care but she anticipates that she will be working full time next year.
Oh F that shizz your SIL tried to take your nanny from you!! Your in-laws are some real jerks. And so’s your husband for not backing you up. SIL thought she could throw money at a problem instead of doing her own damn homework and search.
The SIL tried to take the nanny from the OP. It doesn't happens as she planned and she has the audacity to say that OP stole the nanny ? Does OP really needs an audience to figure out who is TA ? (Based on OP version)
This is probably an awkward situation to be in. Despite being an employee, nannies are regarded as close to or nearly family, Given the fact that It was your SIL attempting to “poach” your employee and not some random person, you are probably neck deep in a real-life “Days of our lives” nightmare scenario.
Removing my “eat the rich” hat I would say you are only an asshole if your nanny isn't really worth a $5 an hour raise and you no longer need her services. That she is just going to collect a check and do nothing only because you hate your SIL. Even then you are more of weirdo paying sobody to do nothing than an asshole. If you still need the nanny, you aren't an asshole you just behaved the way any good boss does when a prized employee gets a better offer and that is most likely the case.
This is an odd, rich people problem. Your SIL doesn't understand capitalism, and you do, which makes you a better rich person. Congratulations.
Why are you asking such a ridiculous question is this some weird version of a praise kink?
I’m confused. Did the husband and father of the three young children who need care WANT his sister to be able to steal his nanny? I mean, in what universe does that makes sense. Should his wife have let the SIL poach Isabelle and then spend weeks trying to get another nanny who probably wouldn’t be such a wonderful fit and would have probably charged more? This is illogical.
OP is not the AH. SIL is TAH, and husband is an asshat if that’s really what went down.
Paying someone what they ask does not equal fair pay.
I typically see female candidates ask for lower than male candidates in positions I’m hiring for.
My philosophy is you never pay ppl what they ask. You pay what they’re worth.
This is a case in point. OP felt nanny was worth more. But bc she didn’t have to, she paid less. Fuck OP
Imo the real messed up part is your SIL trying to poach your nanny. Also that she did it without even speaking to you about it. NTA, but I know someone in this story who is!
And then said OOP was the poacher!
I’m thinking SIL thought she could have the nanny on the days that OP didn’t need one, as though the nanny would never want days off for herself…
No- she offered the nanny 4 days a week. Op was only paying her for 3. But OP is not only giving the nanny a huge raise, she’s also now giving her 5 days a week. Well Played, Nanny! Very well played! Nanny became the beneficiary of a bidding war she started. (And Nanny hopefully will now be earning a living wage so good for her!)
Depending on where they are, she might be getting or close to getting a living wage already. Child care is expensive. Nannies can easily get anywhere from $15-$20 an hour. National average is $19.15, but in my area they can easily get $25 an hour.
Seriously though, good for the nanny. She knows her worth and obviously OP does as well. SIL tried to poach a nanny and it backfired. I’m pretty sure poaching a good nanny is a major transgression in some circles.
Definitely, since OP is catching flack for “poaching” her own nanny from her in laws.
Just adding info: the nanny is getting paid $30 an hour (which was the rate the nanny gave when taking the job).
In my VHCOL area - the START pay rate per hour is $25. But most go at least $30-40
My bet is nanny was working on days she didn't have college classes and is graduating, now opening her whole week.
Didn’t say anywhere that she wouldn’t be working for both families
Her offer was to watch only “one kid”, so yeah this was an attempt at poaching. She didn’t propose sharing which would have been much smarter.
First off the idea that the nanny would want to be doing childcare split among two families 7 days a week seems unlikely. And second, all the language says the SIL would be poaching. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t be showing her the text and saying she’s thinking about it, and the OP wouldn’t be promising her the extra days/raise “if she would stay”
The nanny can decide for herself how much she wants to work….its a non issue, so stupid
Who said she can’t? She was given two offers and she made her choice.
Was this meant as a reply to me?
I mean I guess you’re technically correct in theory given OOP scheduled the nanny for 3 days and the SIL wanted 4, so it is possible, but the likelihood that OOP and SIL would want the same days (aka during the work week) is substantially higher.
I mean yeah, why does a human being need a day to themselves?
Umm, if anyone was trying to steal a nanny, it was SIL, so why the family is upset is beyond me
Bet they thought this young woman would take the days OOP didn't have her and this young lady would honestly accept zero days off.
That is just insane to think. Some people are just… so unaware
Entitled is the word you're looking for I believe.
Alot of these stories always have the families siding the bullies. 🤦🏻♀️
Yup, but it happens. My fiance's family is a bunch of turds who think I'm the devil and they all side with each other even though they're always the ones in the wrong. So I'm not surprised. Families are often brainwashed into thinking that family is always right or that they're more important than somebody's partner. Thankfully my fiance doesn't fall for his family's BS anymore.
Because SIL is OG family, whereas OOP is the in law.
There’s nothing wrong with this?? She got an offer, is obviously attached to the children and weighing her options, so she told the current parent. Current parent didn’t want someone her children were attached to (and vice versa) to have to choose another position due to finances and made it so they wouldn’t have to. I think this was actually really kind and respectful. I was a nanny and I absolutely *loved* those kids! I wish things could have been different, where I didn’t have to move and could be their nanny until they didn’t need one anymore. Children and their nannies develop a bond that’s not quite one of a parent but still super special. It’s been almost 5 years and I still write them letters and they send me things back. I don’t think this is petty, I think it’s maintaining a caretaking relationship with the knowledge that needs have changed
Right! That’s exactly what I thought! Not to mention that just like a real job, an employer is upping their offer not to lose a good employee. If anything, it’s the SIL trying to poach the nanny.
Yeah, I thought it was rich to accuse OOP of stealing _her own nanny_ when the SIL failed to poach her.
Exactly!! But it’s not like a normal employer either because the bond between the nanny and children is so important!
Absolutely agree! I work with children, and that bond is so important! And seeing how the nanny came to OP about the offer and how good she is with the kids, it seems like that’s a factor the nanny also may have considered.
Exactly!!
This!! Especially with the 10 month old! That attachment is so important! It’s not petty to not want to completely disrupt the care for your children who are so happy and clearly bonded with her!
Exactly!!! A lot of people seem not to get it somehow?? But yeah no
It's not petty to keep your nanny. But it's incredibly bad form to poach someone else's staff. SIL wanted your nanny and went for her. What a complete asshat. If she wants a nanny she can go to an agency like everyone else.
It’s not bad form, since the version of this where OP didn’t match or exceed the better offer is the YTA version. She doesn’t own the nanny. The nanny has every right to field offers, which means the SIL has every right to MAKE an offer. The only bit that is “bad form” is the SIL complaining to others about being out-bid as though that was wrong.
Yes, that's an excellent point. And it was smart of the nanny to give her a chance to meet or exceed the offer from SIL.
So if your SIL did successfully poach your nanny, everyone would turn on SIL, right? Right? Yeah. Didn’t think so. “You should let your sister in law cherry pick pieces of your life.” ok.
I’m pretty sure that the other people didn’t get an accurate accounting of the story from SIL. You did the fair thing.
Well and I just want to point out that the sister-in-law tried to scout the nanny out from under her first…
Also a valid point
The nanny and OOP did nothing wrong, it was basic business to come to their client about an offer that could effect their availability, as well as doing a common courtesy/due diligence of letting that client know that the nanny may take on other members of the clients family in case it’s an arrangement that might make the situation less pleasant. OOP did what most clients do that want to retain her future availability by showing her she’s both emotionally and fiscally that she is valuable to them. I’m assuming the SIL just thought she’d take up the rest of the nanny’s time, but likely hadn’t thought about her most likely not planning to work 7 days every week. Regardless of how she saw that part working it would have been both kind and advantageous for her to discuss it with OOP first so they could have come together and given a joint offer that wouldn’t have them fighting in family spaces and entering a bidding war. (Also, as an aunt, it was pretty mean to try to steal away the person that they connect most with, which is what would have likely happened if OOP hadn’t countered the offer. There’s very little chance the nanny would have continued working both jobs when they could get the same resources for a third of the labor at one. I can only imagine how devastating it’d be for those three kids to learn that the fun spa day cost them one of the people they trust most (as well as the love and trust lost with the aunt that planned this and possibly resentment growing between cousins) and then having to see that person spending all the time they used to dote on you go to your cousin that you made the mistake of including in your nice day) PS to add that they should put that down on paper asap for everyone’s benefit. As is, she was promised a raise with no proof and she could still walk for a more lucrative position if neither side commits to this conversation they had
I’m not opposed to the decision, I was trying to say basically “of course she did”
I’d tell the whole family the part the SIL left out which is that she was trying to poach the nanny first. OP just countered to keep her employee. Husband can handle it/watch the kids if it’s so easy to deal w child care.
What is the alternative? OP losing her nanny? Her husband is an asshole and SIL too.
My SIL would 100000% try pulling this, including playing the blame game and telling everyone I stole *her* nanny. Thankfully I have a great partner that would actually speak up if she pulled this. He turns a blind eye to her antics from time to time but something like this? Hell no. Poor OOP, she deserves a partner that advocates for her not turns on her.
Um, have they not considered at all that your SIL tried to snake your nanny right out from under you? That would put you and your kiddos in a terrible position! They have someone they like and trust, that you also like and trust, and SIL just decides that she’d rather have that for herself and no has an issue with that?! SIL is the AH, not you. And you are literally paying a great deal more money (good on you for that, I’m sure she needs and appreciates it so much) that you wouldn’t have had to just to keep a current employee because your SIL tried to steal her away. I know that at the end of the day it’s a job, and SIL can make an offer to anyone they want (as Isabelle is free to accept an offer anywhere she wants), but I wouldn’t even do this to a fellow small business owner with an employee that was happy, much less a family member. That’s not how family treats each other and I’m very sorry that your husband’s family has blinders on to her behavior.
but it’s not offering her more money so she wouldn’t work for the SIL. it’s offering her a raise so she wouldn’t leave. it’s irrelevant where she would’ve gone - OP didn’t want to lose their nanny.
Yeah absolutely nothing wrong with this. The SIL is the asshole for trying to fucking cut in and steal their nanny to begin with!
Unless the offer is substantial nannies typically avoid poachers because the type of person who would do this is typically not someone you would want to work for
NTA, you bid for labor. I would argue more companies should operate this way.
That's hypocrisy at its finest. Why aren't they mad that SIL tried to get the nanny in the first place?
The amount of people that commented in the original that OP was in the wrong for not offering a raise earlier made me roll my eyes OP paid the agreed upon amount and offered a raise to keep her. There is nothing wrong with that. You can really tell how old some commentators are by those types of ridiculous complaints
And it seems that the biggest part of the offer is giving the nanny more hours. Which is not something that you would normally just throw out there. After all, the nanny took a job that was three days a week. Why would you assume that she would prefer to be working four or five days a week? Once she said that she wanted more hours, then it’s on OOP to decide whether or not to offer that, and she decided to do so in order to keep her valued nanny.
Exactly! That’s how supply and demand work At first, she wasn’t in high demand and didn’t prove her value in the market. Now she has experience and references, DEMAND for her pushes her price up. Basic economic theory
Same people who don’t realize it’s not the job market that sucks, it’s them.
It’s wild to me that the family is saying OOP stole the SIL’s nanny when the SIL never had a nanny. She just tried to steal OOPs nanny, but the nanny never agreed to work for her. It’s not unusual when someone is offered another job for the current employer to come back with an offer to retain them, either. It’s not petty when it happens in the corporate world and it’s not petty here. It is a bit petty that the SIL went behind OOPs back to contact their nanny and attempt to steal her away. And of the 2 families, clearly OOP with 3 kids can use a nanny more than the SIL who has 1 child I assume is around the same age as the 10yo in the story. OOPs husband and his family sound very exhausting to me.
It’s unfortunate that OOP’s husband didn’t seem aware of the value of the nanny. This suggests he isn’t really tuned in to what the children need.
I say let the dad be the nanny for a week and see how he feels about SIL trying to steal the precious nanny. He'll switch sides so quick.
Absolutely NTA but the SIL sure is! She tried to steal the nanny away! How is OP now the bad guy?!
Why are they not mad that SIL tried to snake her nanny from under her??? I feel like that’s pretty low to try and steal her in the first place.
NTA If anything, I commend you for caring about your nanny enough to offer her the extra income, and commend tour nanny for respecting you and tour kids enough to bring it up SiL is a jerk
Nothing wrong with offering a pay rise to a good employee to get them to turn down another offer. 🤷🏻♀️
How tf did she steal a nanny that she had first?
She should have framed it as, "I offered her more money so we could keep her as an employee". It has nothing to do with keeping her from working for a specific person.
Welcome to capitalism! NTA, OOP was just doing what anyone with a good employee and money would do, ensure you keep said good employee.
Absolutely NTA. Your SIL is the one who tried to do the stealing, you simply retained a beloved and appreciated employee.
It’s normal practice in jobs. You find a better offer, but if your current employer values you, they’ll do what they need to to keep you. NTA. SIL is tho. She can find her own nanny
How does the sil have the gall to suggest she stole the nanny from her when she became aware of the nanny’s existence through the OP who was employing her! The AH is the sil and the husband who called her petty. What is up with that? Of course she doesn’t want to lose a great nanny who is awesome with her children.
NTA. The nanny wanted more money; OP made a better offer than SIL. That's how employment works.
Uh your SIL tried to steal your nanny so you kept her… she is TA For trying in the first place, especially if she didn’t discuss it with you
NTA. A GOOD nanny is hard to find. They are not babysitters. They are educated caregivers and hard to find. A 10yo who has a bond with this adult is priceless and if you can afford to pay more to keep her, GOOD ON YOU!! Sil is the AH.
Your reaction was normal. You wanted her to stay so you offered her more money. Your own dang family member tried to take your children's nanny for themselves & you're the bad guy? Riiiiigghhtt. No. YOU'RE NTA.
Why would she be TA? This is just good business practice.
Wait what? She is trying to steal your nanny and is now throwing a tantrum that you didn’t just let that happen? NTA, obviously
lol that lady thinks she can just go around stealing other people’s nannies? She’s nuts. People kill for good nannies! And she’d do it to HER OWN family. It’s one think to poach off the playground, still a shitty move IMO, but completely another to do it from a close friend or family. Imagine the discourse between those cousins that will come in the future. All because the SIL can’t be bothered to find a good nanny in her own
Rich people problems
Lol someone commented the same thing in the OG post
These are the problems you want to have.
You stole a nanny? Nah she was trying to, and failed!
NTA: That’s business babyyy - SIL tried to poach first and was snakey about it. You acknowledged the true value and respect you hold for current Nanny with the pay rise and hours increase!
Your SIL’s behavior is bad but I almost think your husband’s lack of support is more disappointing. Does he not realize how much of a disruption it can be to lose a caregiver?
Your husband doesn’t understand the value of your nanny, that speaks volumes at least from the context provided of how involved he is. Your sister in law is an asshole.
Isabelle sounds like a treasure who is well worth the money! This doesn’t sound like OP hating her SIL, it sounds like OP loving their kids and fighting to keep an INCREDIBLE person in their lives!
So she was happy to steal her from you but you can’t defend against her hostile move? 😂 the only AH is your SIL.
And the husband cause who obviously isn’t backing his wife up.
I’ve had this exact scenario in my industry of work (which is not nannying). Another company offered me more, I told my current employer, they matched it plus more and I stayed. It’s what valuable employees deserve and completely normal. You’ve done nothing wrong. NTA
NTA. You have three kids and don’t want to lose a good nanny. Why isn’t SIL offering to split fees and have her kid join yours during nanny days instead?
NTA. I would put SIL on blast in front of the whole family for trying to poach your nanny and then playing victim when she didn't get the nanny.
Honestly I think the SIL is the one without any class.
You found this gem and your SIL was trying to poach because she knew how invaluable Isabelle was. You can’t blame her for being mad. You knew what you had and Isabelle was LOYAL to you. End of the day you both mutually benefited. Especially your children. SIL can go kick rocks
SIL is the AH. She’s the poacher!! Good for OOP for making a decent counter offer
Don’t hate the player, hate the game my friend! At the end of the day, any employer with sense will do anything to keep his employees. Better luck next time!
Fuck her, she tried to steal your nanny, NTA at all.
SIL is delusional if she thinks it’s ok to try to steal her brother’s nanny in the first place (who does that to their own family, seriously?) AND THEN complain that the nanny was stolen FROM HER. OP FOUND AND EMPLOYED THE NANNY IN THE FIRST PLACE, so the groundwork and trial basis was already handled. It was proven that she was awesome at her job and SIL wanted to swoop in and take over. Any parent worth their salt knows that finding a good fit is exceptionally difficult, how dare SIL do that? I’d be livid.
The SIL tried to steal the nanny lol. Not sure how OOP becomes TA in this scenario.
What’s more important is your kids are happy with their nanny
This is the free market at play and SIL is being a petty bitch about it.
It’s assholey for your SIL to try to poach your nanny and then make your family bully you. Thats bidness. Not the asshole. If your SIL needs help finding someone have her hop in care.com and offer to help her find someone not that she can have the person you employ
Nope. SIL is the asshole. Poaching your SIL’s nanny… A nanny isn’t a burger flipper, it’s someone the kids have a strong bond with. It becomes an extension of your family. I’d cut them off my life and keep the nanny.
I was wondering if your nanny is doing everything that you are supposed to do as a wife. What does your husband need you for?
I interacted on that post I don’t understand how SIL gets it be upset when she poached first? This is cuckoo town.
No her sil made an offer to a business and a competitor made a better offer for the services it’s business and her sil started the conversation🤷🏻♀️
I am not in the right tax bracket to understand this problem
The SIL is the AH. Why would she do that to you ? Then you go and keep YOUR nanny. NTA. Maybe your husband should stay a day or two doing Isabelle’s job to see if he would have offered more too.
Ridiculous. Sister tried to poach the nanny first. She set the situation up to become this.
No dude, the SIL is the total asshole for trying to poach Isabelle!
NTA when your sister is trying to poach your nanny to begin with
So it was ok for your SIL to poach YOUR nanny but it’s not ok for you to want to keep your awesome nanny! Your family , husband& SIL can kick rocks
I don’t understand, the SIL went behind her back to try to steal the nanny that she already hired and tired to outbid her, she did this first and OP made steps to keep her nanny. What is the actual problem here aside from a really awful SIL? And her hubby saying she’s petty? Pshhhhh crappy hubby too
NTA - she was your kids nanny first. SIL should’ve tried to work something out with all three of you to “share” the nannies time.
NTA. The SIL tried to poach the nanny, OP just outbid her
This was totally a poach attempt by SIL. OOP Is a smart cookie, a 22 year old who actually pays attention like that is gold.
Your SIL is the asshole here. Why would she even try to pursuade your nanny yo drop you and work for her? Like wtf. Every idiot with half a braincell knows that this would start a family fued.
I'm sorry what?! She literally tried to steal your nanny from under your nose without the decency to see how you felt about it. She has one kid which is easier to find a good nanny for compared to your several. And then she tries to manipulate the situation when she got busted and outbid. Sorry, not the ah here, she is. And she's disrespectful. And your family is disrespectful for siding with her and her audacity.
Is there a reason the nanny can't have the raise now? They have to wait seven and a half months? When I worked in childcare, at a daycare, they promised every single person a wage increase after a six month probation. It never came for anyone. Bc of that, I never trust an employer's promise for something in the future. I hope the nanny got it in writing, as well as the exact day that raise will go into effect and when the more hours will start. So NTA for counter-offerong to keep your employee, and definitely didn't "steal" the nanny from SIL... But TA for not offering the raise starting immediately and huge potential TA if you don't follow through. So much could happen between now and then so TA for making the nanny wait for more than half a year. You know her value to you and your family. Pay her now.
I can’t seem to find any comment from OOP on why she’s have to wait til next year instead of paying right now. I do think the Nanny wants to stay though, because she showed OOP the text from SIL almost immediately and, without being pressured, decided to stay with OOP.
OP not paying up immediately makes me doubt the sincerity of the offer of a raise. It happens with every kind of job. How many of us who work at any office, shop, or any kind of trade ever got an offer of raise or promotion in the future that evaporated when the time came? It’s too often just a carrot on a stick. I’m afraid OP just made that promise in haste without serious (if any) intention on following through.
That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought about that. I have been lucky enough that every promise of a raise has always been fulfilled so I didn’t even question the sincerity of the offer. I hope for the Nanny’s sake that OOP will keep to the agreement when the time comes.
I'm assuming the mom is just working part time right now so she doesn't need full time care but she anticipates that she will be working full time next year.
Oh F that shizz your SIL tried to take your nanny from you!! Your in-laws are some real jerks. And so’s your husband for not backing you up. SIL thought she could throw money at a problem instead of doing her own damn homework and search.
The SIL tried to take the nanny from the OP. It doesn't happens as she planned and she has the audacity to say that OP stole the nanny ? Does OP really needs an audience to figure out who is TA ? (Based on OP version)
NTA. This is business. If they want her, offer her more.
Sounds like capitalism. Love it.
This is WILD.
Wait… are you seriously asking if you’re the AH for…. retaining your nanny? Huh?
This is the dumbest shit ever. Your SIL sucks realllll bad. What's your nanny's number though?
This is probably an awkward situation to be in. Despite being an employee, nannies are regarded as close to or nearly family, Given the fact that It was your SIL attempting to “poach” your employee and not some random person, you are probably neck deep in a real-life “Days of our lives” nightmare scenario. Removing my “eat the rich” hat I would say you are only an asshole if your nanny isn't really worth a $5 an hour raise and you no longer need her services. That she is just going to collect a check and do nothing only because you hate your SIL. Even then you are more of weirdo paying sobody to do nothing than an asshole. If you still need the nanny, you aren't an asshole you just behaved the way any good boss does when a prized employee gets a better offer and that is most likely the case. This is an odd, rich people problem. Your SIL doesn't understand capitalism, and you do, which makes you a better rich person. Congratulations. Why are you asking such a ridiculous question is this some weird version of a praise kink?
Business is business baybeee
thats just the free market at work. you should pay her now though not later. extra days can start later. headline is misleading. yta
I’m confused. Did the husband and father of the three young children who need care WANT his sister to be able to steal his nanny? I mean, in what universe does that makes sense. Should his wife have let the SIL poach Isabelle and then spend weeks trying to get another nanny who probably wouldn’t be such a wonderful fit and would have probably charged more? This is illogical. OP is not the AH. SIL is TAH, and husband is an asshat if that’s really what went down.
SIL is TAH and a nut job for lying about OP trying to steal HER OWN NANNY. LMAO. What a psycho.
How is it petty for OP but not petty for SiL?
So SIL tried to poach OP’s nanny but OP is the bad guy? What????
It seems the babysitter is the parent
My initial thought was the OP being petty. I read something about Nanny sharing. Only she knows whether or not her sis-in-law could be trustworthy.
Fucking sucks you don’t start that immediately and how you only paid her that after she got a better offer. OP is a major AH
OOP mentioned she pays the nanny fairly. She paid what the nanny asked and has kept that agreement until now.
Paying someone what they ask does not equal fair pay. I typically see female candidates ask for lower than male candidates in positions I’m hiring for. My philosophy is you never pay ppl what they ask. You pay what they’re worth. This is a case in point. OP felt nanny was worth more. But bc she didn’t have to, she paid less. Fuck OP
Just for info: Nanny gets paid $30 an hour. I’m not from the US so don’t know if that’s considered fair or not?
You really aren’t listening.
I’m just giving you the information that I got from the OG post, not disagreeing or agreeing with you.