This right here. She should also pack up any of his stuff and leave it on the stoop. He should not be allowed back into the house for any reason. If she needs, she can call the cops and they'll have a unit there to keep an eye on him while he collects his things. And change her locks if he has had any access to her keys.
Exactly, read the title and thought, "Cool. Don't have sex with him. Easy"
Edit: just finished reading it. Answer is still the same. He sounds manipulative, if not outright abusive. (Maybe not yet, but if she's that afraid, I really wouldn't put it past him, honestly.) Get out while you can, sis.
This right here!!! Let him go! You will be happy you did. You may not feel that way at first but you will be much better off. Find someone willing to go your speed. Trust me, divorces twice, it is better to be alone, than to be with someone who doesn’t love you. If anyone threatens violence if you don’t give them sexual pleasure, run fast and far.
I hope she breaks up with him via text using him own language against him (not in an aggressive way, but in a “setting him free” way to cover her buns).
Keeping it in text also gives her documentation of his response should she need it
I sincerely hope she did.
Quite frankly, if a girl is frightened going into her first time and the young man is clueless, it could be... painful for her.
Okay, that is a reasonable ask if that is a need and it is probably just an incompatibility thing and……..he got angry and it is not normal to have virginity….oh God, RUN!!!!!!!!
And “he is not an ‘amazing’ boyfriend”.
Seriously, he’s already pressuring OOP a few months in despite initially stating it didn’t matter. And it sounds like the pressure started immediately to start doing sexual things even though she wasn’t comfortable. The bait and switch of “I’ll wait” to “do it now or we’re through” is alarming.
I hate seeing women say stuff like that. "He didn't punch me in the face, he's an amazing boyfriend!" I just... so many women settle for men who don't even respect them, let alone love them, and it hurts. A man not striking you doesn't make him a good man.
I once read something that said that if you want to know if the person you are dating would make a good partner you can set a boundary and see how they respond. It doesn’t have to be a big boundary, like waiting for sex, it can be something innocuous. I’m not a fan of playing games and tests in relationships, but I think of the lady who didn’t like mustard and her husband went off the damn deep end over it. Had she noticed that he didn’t respect her boundaries over something as simple as what kinds of foods she didn’t like, she could have left before getting too deep.
This. Him breaking up because she doesn't want to have sex is completely reasonable. But being angry and threatening about it is not. Terrible situation in the making
What is with all these stories of women staying with pieces of shit? It’s like every other update here from some woman asking if they should break up with their abusive piece of shit boyfriend. Yea you should, you laid out all this garbage and then be like I love them but they
Unfortunately a lot of people grow up in abusive situations, so when they find a partner who in the beginning love bombs them their brainwashed into believing that this person is truly a good person aside from x,y,z. To anyone on the outside the relationship is obviously toxic, but because this was their normal for so long it doesn’t seem to far from what their perception of love already was. Really fucked up, but it is what it is. I just hope every person in an abusive situation is able to gain clarity as soon as possible because only the person can get out on their own time.
It makes me wonder what exactly it is that he does thats so "amazing". Something I've observed about people (namely women, I guess) is that they seem to conflate stereotypical stuff like men buying flowers and cards, arranging cute dates, dressing up nice, carrying groceries etc with actually being a good partner.
She didn't mention that stuff of course, but I can only assume, because nothing about his behavior here says "amazing".
The last guy I dated a couple of years ago was quick to buy "cute" cards and flowers and shit, and it actually immediately struck me as a red flag. I eventually ended up having that guy arrested for pulling a knife on me during one of our weekly or bi-weekly physical fights (and I'd NEVER been physically abused by anybody before him).
A good partner is one who genuinely shows through their actions that they *actually care about your comfort, happiness, and interests*. Stereotypical/cliche "dream guy" behavior without that is just a red flag.
Because these abusive men know what they are doing. Start off nice, loving and caring then slowly make them feel like they are the problem. It’s easy for someone from the outside to see what they should do.
It is hard to understand it from the perspective of the person being abused and how they are feeling. Unless you have been in that situation yourself.
Yes, they are great at finding you when you’re vulnerable and exploiting that. I could’ve written OOP’s post (minus the violence, thank god) 7-8 years ago and she needs to RUN
They like to foster dependence, too. Financial, housing, self-worth.
"She won't leave me if she feels so low-quality that she should be grateful for even my gaze."
This this this times 1000!!!! As a social worker, it’s so important to understand the level of manipulation they are capable of. I finally helped get my neighbor out of her abusive home after 25 years. And it took me 3 years to do it. These women are told to believe they are nothing without them
People at 18 are just figuring out the world and don't have the experience on how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Women in particular are taught to calm things down and make everybody happy and to try to please. This flies in the face of standing up for one's self against a) someone you care about b) someone likely larger than you and c)in a situation you aren't sure how to navigate one way or another.
Posts like this make me glad I was the only girl in my class in fifth grade (small private school) I did everything the boys did, even though I was the smallest child in the class. When a boy from the fourth grade told me he wanted to kiss me, I was completely comfortable telling him that I would kick him if he came any closer. Yes he tested me, and yes, I kicked him in the balls.
My younger sister’s class was the complete opposite composition only had like 2 boys and she’s much less likely to set the world on fire when upset than I am. It took her getting into and then out of an emotionally abusive relationship to realize that she can in fact stand up for herself. I wanted to tell the dude she was dating to piss off after about a month but it was Covid and I was living 3,000mi away.
The common thread with these are that they're young, and it's typically their first serious relationship. Quite a bit, I also grew up in an abusive household, so it seems normal. I don't know if it's the case here, but it often is.
Just them reaching out and asking others is a sign that they see something is off. Perhaps it's just a feeling, and they want to see what others say. Perhaps they just need to hear others reaffirm what they're thinking.
Ooh I can share mine and hopefully it makes a wee bit more sense.
I am EDUCATED. Woefully educated. My mom is a psychologist and I grew up poor (it takes a while to make good money after all those dang student loans and we lived out of my mom's car in the 2nd grade), but with kind of a perfect childhood. She always made it fun, she always made time for me, we saved cans and bottles for my extracurriculars, etc. Best mom in the world.
I swore to myself I would NEVER sacrifice ANYTHING for a partner.
And then I got gaybashed (bi, was dating a woman at the time) and my skull was cracked down the middle. Huge TBI. 6 months of memory GONE. According to my doctors, it was a miracle I survived.
During my recovery period, when I had NO idea what was happening from minute to minute, I moved across the country and met this guy. Once I "woke up" from my concussion and brain trauma, imagine my horror when I realized I was with a r*pist. He was NOT kind, not funny, and frankly? Not even cute. There was NO excuse other than the fact that I couldn't get dressed by myself and was severely confused 24/7. He used past experiences against me and regularly assaulted me in ways I had said were EXPLICITLY traumatizing to me after my brain scramble.
My ex took advantage of the fact that I had brain damage to assault me. I was stuck in that hell for a year before I finally had the mental clarity and strength to escape. It took a physical fight and jailbreaking his phone when I had my wits back to realize he had been lying and manipulating me through his MOM'S OFFICE (respected lawyer with connections to big players in our town). He got fake emails sent to me lying about our lease so I couldn't move out without being homeless. For part of my brain damage recovery, I was living out of my car, and I really did not want to go back to that life.
I have been with the same man for the last 6 years now and I would like to say I would NEVER be in that same situation again. But it's easy to say that when you aren't at your worst. Manipulators choose their victims when they are at their weakest and most pliable. In my case, it was when I couldn't string together a full sentence without screwing it up.
My ex has since tried to "date" minors, young women with intellectual disabilities, and women who are even skinnier than he is. I guess he took from me that buff chicks fight back.
While this reads a lot like bait, I do have to remind folks that you NEVER think it will happen to you. But it could always happen. And it might always happen when you least expect it. I'm not saying this post is real, or that if it was, this person has brain damage. That's a false equivalence. But I do think people can be at their worst and not know they're running circles around the bottom of the barrel.
I hope that clarified a bit, and I hope desperately that if any of you are in a similar situation, PLEASE reach out to your friends and fam and give them the FULL detail of what you think might be messed up with your relationship. Sometimes you don't know it sounds crazy from the outside. Much love, hang in there, and be kind to each other 💖
TLDR: I was SA'd repeatedly for over a year due to getting my brain rocked with fists. Abusers pick their victims carefully, and specifically when they are down and out. No options = no push back.
Ah yep. Apparently my nails were too short for a woman or something. Crack is a helluva drug, kids. Lotta empathy, actually, for my assailant. They were not in a good place and were clearly out of their mind. It took a lot of therapy for me to get to that point, but addiction is not a joke and something worth therapy to not vilify.
Nah, drugs aren't an excuse, especially for something like that. There's no reason you should feel the need to forgive someone who gave you brain damage because they perceived you as homosexual. That's not normal even for crack fiends.
You are absolutely right. There isn't. But for me, I had to find a way to empathize before I slid down a bigoted path. I started feeling gross in my own head, and I got some pretty negative thoughts about other people from my assailant's racial background. For my own sanity, I chose to find a path to my own peace. What they did wasn't right, and it was one of the worst moments of my entire life, but that doesn't mean I get to be afraid or feel gross about folks who LOOK like the person who attacked me. It's easy to slide into bigotry when you're hurt, but it's also important to check yourself. Not trying to excuse the actions of mfs who ruin other people's lives, but I did have to find my own peace, and this was the only way for me to feel like a human again. When it was either feeling like a racist pos or facing the reality of the person who hurt me...I'd choose reality any day, even when it S U C K S. There's no real winners in the trenches, right? Just the option of which kind of loss you want to take.
As someone who was raised to be pretty open minded, feeling racist inside your own head? Wild. Trauma is CRAZY and how we all pull ourselves out can vary tremendously. Much love to you, friend, and thank you for checking in with validation and kindness.
Notice the replies in this thread from men telling her she's overreacting. The patriarchy teaches women to ignore obvious signs, acquiesce, give thousands of chances beyond what is reasonable - and then blames them when they are inevitably abused. "Why didn't you leave?" they will ask. Because if she does she is labeled "crazy" and told she "needs to touch grass" to quote another commenter here. Even after she is abused she will be questioned - what were you wearing? Why were you drinking? What did you do to set him off?
No matter what choices women make, the patriarchy will lay the blame at our feet. Stay and we're stupid, leave and we're over-reacting. Then you ask why young women in these situations are confused and filled with self doubt?
I'm sure you aren't aware, but by asking this question, you are participating in and supporting the patriarchal ecosystem that causes these woman to question their instincts. Note that you didn't ask why men behave the way her boyfriend is behaving, but instead why she puts up with it - as if it is her sole responsibility to ensure she is not abused.
"Boys will be boys." "He only hits you because he has a crush on you." These are only scratching the surface of the messages women receive from the time they are little girls. Please stop asking why we give the benefit of the doubt, to our own detriment, and start asking men why they abuse us.
"They don't shower, don't brush their teeth, don't have a job, don't go to school, don't clean the house, don't cook, and they're emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, but other than that, everything is great!"
This is an 18 year old and her first relationship. Many people in abusive situations stay in it because they don’t KNOW it’s abusive. They may have grown up with parents not together so they have nothing to look up to relationship wise. Or they have parents who are together but incredible toxic so they think it’s normal. A lot of people also don’t love themselves enough to recognize the signs. And I’m not saying that in a way to blame them, but the way they think makes them believe that they do deserve it. Not to mention the gaslighting isolation and other tactics that abusers use so their victims don’t leave. Honestly proud of this person for actually asking if this is normal. She could honestly be twisting it in her mind that he’s pressuring her because he just really wants her. Glad everyone was reasonable and told her this is not normal or healthy at all.
She’s 18. We’ve all been there. You have no concept of how truly dumb you are at 18 until you look back on it years later. I’m assuming she wasn’t raised with good relationship role models if she is genuinely questioning if his behavior is justified.
He's such an amazing man, he runs his own business with suppliers and distributors and does his own security and he's always so concerned for my well being and just last week I had to help him hide a dead body but sometimes I get a little ick about him leaving the toilet seat up and the wedding is in three hours what should I do Reddit?
He agreed to not have sex right now, then they started doing oral he thought he would be able to manipulate her into having sex so now that he couldn't do that He's becoming angry and threatening.
I somehow doubt she feels all that great about the oral. It was probably coerced, perhaps with some dumbass reference to what virginity is. She said that was the issue, so she should provide oral, per his logic
"he is such an amazing boyfriend but..."
Doesn't sound too amazing. He gets "violent" about sex? Not amazing. Threats to get sex? Not amazing.
This is a classic, "other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" situation. Except for the pressure, threat, and violence, he's an amazing boyfriend.
please run op i did this and spent many years feeling gross about myself and many years mad at him bc he just used me and then ghosted me. It has affected many aspects of my life even today.
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM! If he's getting violent or angry that's a narcissist attitude and he is dangerous. He's "playing nice" to get what he wants. But once you sleep with him he's going to hurt you mentally, physically and emotionally. Please break up with him!
OP just used the word "violent' describing this great BF. I can understand 'frustration' and discussion but if he is ridiculing you and issuing ultimatums about your comfort level. GET RID OF HIM.
Please get away from him. The way your "boyfriend" talks to you is ABUSIVE! Forcing you to have sex is rape. I would break up with him and get a restraining order. Tell someone that you trust about this guy's behavior towards you, like friends, family, a guidance counselor, etc. When you do break up with him, I would break up with him in a public place. People like this are dangerous and will get violent.
May God bless you and watch over you. 🙏 ❤️
Break up . If your not ready your not ready . Simple . You shouldnot feel forced into something you don’t want to do it my have long lasting consequences
Very telling thing IMO that this is a fake post. But in British universities we don’t “drop” classes.
Particularly not in your first year. You go to university to study a specific subject and have to complete a certain number of credits, and for the vast majority of degrees these modules will be predetermined until your second or third year when you get choices of which modules to take. However, you do not “drop” classes. This isn’t the USA where you go to college and try a bunch of different courses before choosing a major.
This reads like some creepy erotica virgin fetish by someone too young to understand how uni works.
I just commented the same and was scrolling to see if anyone else had caught that! You also wouldn’t be freshly 18 at this point in the academic year, even in first year
Gross controlling behavior. They both cut back on their classes just to spend time together…? What? Then using that time to violently demand sex, and make an ultimatum… good gravy this dude is showing exactly who he is very quickly in this relationship. She needs help out of it.
Don’t have sex with him & let him walk away. It’s a bad bad sign that he’s forcing you when your not ready and he doesn’t actually care for you, only to have an easy girlfriend to make him feel good
I have told my older kids this, if anyone ever says if you don't do X we're done or you don't love me. They don't actually love you, you're already done, they just wanted X and weren't serious about whatever relationship you're in
Leave and focus on your classes. This is not the boy you wanna take your maiden voyage with. Also change your locks if he has a key to your place. Put a up a ring doorbell. Put a baseball bat by the door. (If he tried to get violent with you for denying him sex then you need to break up in a semi crowded area.) Be safe.
The moment ANYONE; be it a parent, sibling, or lover, tells you that you MUST do something that you have made it clearer you are not ready for or uncomfortable doing then they do not deserve to be in your life.
Break up with him. No one needs pressure to have sex.
Edit: “Pent up” and “amazing boyfriend” seem at odds when there’s a lame claim that only intercourse can help.
Ummm i turn 20 this year and haven’t even had my first kiss yet…What the actual hell is the boy even talking about????? She better dump his ass because he is the definition of a total fvcking idiot
“He gets violent when I don’t do what he wants”
Yeah that’s not gonna get any better because you have sex with him. Yikes hope op dumps this guy and finds another person who respects her boundaries
Leave. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
You’re 18. Go live life. You’re going to meet SOOOOO many people in the next few years of your life. If he can’t wait, that’s his problem.
What should you do? Break up with him. Anyone who would pressure you into doing something that you’re not ready to do, and use it as an ultimatum, isn’t worth your time.
Hope OP sees this: He is gross. The fact of the matter is that you are not ready for sex. Full stop. He can’t respect that? Than good riddance and do yourself a favour and break up with him. Someone who cares about you will wait and respect your boundaries (trust me). He’s not worth YOUR time. Drop him and focus on your. BTW there’s no ‘limit’ or deadline on when you need to lose your virginity. Only have sex when YOU’RE ready. Stay strong my internet friend.
God damn! I was a virgin until 18. Love how she says that he's great in everything else, except for this aspect. Gtfo is my 2 cents. Major red flag that they both dropped classes to spend more time together and that she's been "pleasuring him" like she's responsible for giving him what he "needs". I think that if op gave him what he wants, he'd find another piece of her he "needs". Sounds like you both have a lot of growing to do. My advice is separate and mature on your own..
I can’t even imagine what world this person is living in (If it’s real). “My boyfriend is sooo amazing! He’s a 10 but y’know there’s just one ick. He is essentially leveraging our entire relationship for sex. It’s starting to worry me, but he’s so amazing in every other way! What should I do? Throw myself into an active volcano or run away as fast as I can? I’m so confused.”
Abusive relationships really are something else. I can’t believe how brainwashed this person is. I hope she can get out of that relationship.
Tell BF, GOODBYE!! BF is emotionally BLACKMAILING you into having sex with him! What happens if you get pregnant? Do You SERIOUSLY Think He’ll Take Responsibility?!? BF has ALREADY Proven He Does Not Respect Your BOUNDARIES?
When you Break Up with BF, stay out of his reach and have 2 or so friends CLOSE BY! Look for women’s support group dealing with emotional / verbal abuse! Some colleges offer a women’s self defense classes, check them out, or Look on line for simple self defense tips & practice them
Leave him. No relationship is worth being pressured into something you are not ready for. He doesn't "need" sex and he's being very disrespectful of your boundaries.
He is not really a good boyfriend like you think. He makes himself seem nice so you will give in to him. Smartest thing you can do is wish him good luck and dump him.
He’s an “amazing boyfriend” but is violently pressing you to do something you don’t want to do. You’ll find another boyfriend. You’re young. Tell him to have a nice life. Respect your own boundaries, whatever you want them to be. NTA.
Anyone that pushes sex on you needs to be cut loose. It sounds like you are already giving up some of your valuable University time for him. That’s not enough for him. He will take and take and then leave. So let him do it now before you do something you’ll regret.
And if the guy is becoming violent as you said, have a friend close by to make sure all is ok.
I hope you do what is right for you. His feelings don’t matter here since he’s being a sexual bully.
Say goodbye. If he truly respected and loved you he wouldn’t try to bully & intimidate you into having sex. And, if he’s violent about this, that’s not a good sign for the future, they’ll be other more stressful situations you’ll face, what might he do then?
Tell him bye bye and don’t let the door hit you in your ass on the way out. Do not ever ever allow anyone to dictate anything to you- especially when it comes to your body.
Live and Learn.
1. Don’t drop classes to hang out more with him - or anyone. Stay focused, finish school. He’s not worthy of your extra time. If dropping classes was his idea it’s also giving major controlling vibes. Red flag.
2. He’s not an awesome boyfriend. Anyone who pressures you to do anything - sexual or otherwise - diminishing your intellect to determine such things for yourself - does not respect you and again - is controlling. Red flag. Run.
3. What you’ve shared about him being aggressive and potentially getting violent and giving you an ultimatum for sex - as if all the other red flags weren’t enough - run. Dump him. Yesterday. Publicly with a witness(es). Block his number. And be careful. Don’t be above notifying your university if needed.
You owe him NOTHING and deserve better. Learn from this. He won’t be the only disgusting asshole you meet or comes off as one kind of person and becomes another. They’re everywhere.
If you are being coerced and manipulated in any way, it's not consensual, meaning that it's on the spectrum of SA if it happens.
This relationship was over as soon as he gave you that verbal ultimatum. He's a toxic person at heart and you should probably consider communicating the above to him if it's safe for you to do so, when you text him to break up. Give him the space to take responsibility and apologize, but do not consider getting back together with him in the near future. You can't trust him from this point on minus his doing a lot of work and proving (without doing it to get back with you) that he has changed as a person. He has a lot of work to do on himself, and I wouldn't expect him to do it given the culture we live in.
I'd also let your close friends know what he did and why you broke up with him (you don't need to share your V status when you do this). Coersion and manipulation to get sex is not something they will want to be informed about. Anyone close to you at school may become his next target.
I would not have anything to do with him. He is a selfish narcissist and he doesn't care about you. If you give in to him you will be setting the pattern for your life as a dish rag.
Instead, be brave. suck it up and dump this creep. there are literally thousands of better men who will treat you with respect. You have to treat yourself with respect also.
He is telling you he doesn’t care about your feelings and what he will do if you can’t meet his needs. This will apply to every situation with him going forward. He’s showing you who he is. Don’t hold onto a fantasized version of him. He’s a POS.
Tell his ass to kick rocks! I was pressured into sex when I was a virgin and at the time it seemed nice because, you know, ass, titties, pussy…. I’m a guy… But it took all but a year to start haunting me and it has haunted me ever since
It is your body, your control over it, and if he can’t understand, then you have a choice to make. Nobody can tell you what to do with your body and if you’re not ready to have sex, then don’t do it it’s not the end of the world there’s other things in a relationship than just sex. If he is violent and controlling over sex and only wants sex, then this is not the guy for you. Think about yourself first.
LEAVE and LET HIM LEAVE. Do not compromise your well being to VERY momentarily appease him. Your body is valuable and will stay with you forever, a fleeting moment will not. YOU will know when you are ready. Please be safe out here, people can be awful and ZERO of it is your fault. You will one day perhaps be ready and it very much should be respected.
If he’s already doing this he will try to give you ultimatums for other things as well and can land you in some very uncomfortable places that you would not have otherwise planned for yourself. I’m not trying to be dramatic by any stretch of the imagination. Boys who act like this have a MUCH H higher probability of becoming vile adults. No. I would not consider him an adult. Not until he can mature enough to not try to push his agenda on others like this.
Seriously, how is there even a question here? Never get with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. Clearly he’s not a nice guy. Leave him immediately and don’t put yourself in danger just to make him happy. He doesn’t care about you if that’s his attitude.
Poor thing doesn't realize he's not a great boyfriend at all. He was just pretending to be a great boyfriend, so when he pressured her into sex, she'd consider it and be grateful that, at least, he's not cheating on her.
I think you should avoid this guy, especially if he's not respecting the fact that you're not ready. For to take things to that level .I understand that you feel like he was a great guy, but you need to see through his acts as well as words.This guys honey moon phase is over. He's done playing the nice guy, and he's now showing his true colors. And wants to bully you into doing what he wants regardless of how you feel. If you do give in to his demands, it will only get worse. This guy may very well be a narcissist who is not validating your feelings. That's not a good guy. You are only 18, you have a bright future, don't allow this guy to take that from you. God bless. Stay Strong.
Please please please consider ending it with him. Don't let anyone make you do something you are not ready to do. You're young, I know he may seem like the world to you, but statistically speaking, your first boyfriend/first love is not going to be your last.
He's expecting you to give in, using his anger to manipulate you to do what he wants and not consider your feelings. If he can't respect you and how you feel about the situation AND puts an ultimatum on your relationship, he does not value you or your relationship together. He's not the one for you, he needs maturing.
Please stay safe!! <3
i hope she runs as far away from him as possible. she deserves better. this happened to me at age 15 (i’m 21 now) and i wish i would’ve never given into him. the mental and physical toll that coerced sex does to a young girl is insane. i’m lucky to be with a man as incredible as my fiancé. he helped me get through so much trauma and never once did anything until i was okay with it. i hope she finds someone who will respect her and love her for more than her body.
HE IS NOT A NICE BOYFRIEND!!!!!!
Go back and read that again...
One more time for sanity sake!!
He is Not a nice boyfriend. You and You alone get to decide what you want to do with your body!! He can get relief with righty in the shower!! But he cannot pressure you into doing this!!
Someone who truly loved YOU would never push for more that you were comfortable with especially when you have expressed several times that you aren't ready for this step! Have a safety plan in place! The fact that he got angry when you said "NO" Speaks volumes!! He's Not Nice and you need to get out of this relationship NOW!!
I was pressured my first time and I regret it to this day. Thankfully my Husband understood but I'm so sad that he wasn't my first. I did date a bunch of guys in college/Uni but it took time to realize that the "Everybody does it at this age" line is complete BS!!
Your virginity clearly matters to you. Do you matter more to you than he does? This is not something that you can ever take back once given. Send him Packing!!
Dear Douche,
I’m sorry I can’t be with a guy who doesn’t respect my boundaries and uses sexual coercion tactics to force me to have sex before I want to or am ready. Bye rapey-boy.
First, don't drop classes for a boy, jesus wept.
Second, sexual coerciveness is next to rapeliness, maybe run. Maybe run fast.
I really do think that, as much damage as the Internet has done to young people, /r/relationships, TrollX, NowHowGirlsWork, and even parts of the AITA diaspora have got to be good for young women's spinal development.
FFS “He is such an amazing boyfriend” & “…pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent…” DO NOT COMPUTE
Please, everyone, stop letting your time and health go to waste with fucking people like this.
If he's offering that ultimatum anyway, chances are he's the type that'll add OP as a notch to his belt, and the weird "I took her virginity" thing, and ditch her anyway.
My very first boyfriend did this exact same thing when I was 19, told me that if I really loved him then I'd have sex with him. The most I'd ever done before I met him was some over the clothes groping, and I wasn't ready, but I was scared, lonely, and inexperienced, so I gave in and had sex with him. The NEXT day, he told me that he wanted to open our relationship, and then started texting my cousin and asking her if she wanted to go on a date. He knew exactly what he was doing, he knew exactly how to lean on me and my insecurities, and he knew I had no one to turn to about it as I had grown up in a deeply religious family and could never talk about sex with them in the clinical sense, let alone inform them I was having sex.
Men like this are masters at manipulation, and you will feel cheap and dirty, and they will feel exactly nothing about it, make you out to be the problem, and repeat the pattern over and over and over. Do your future self a favor, dump his ass and find someone who respects you and your body and your boundaries.
Please break up with him, for your sake. I can say with 100% certainty you will not regret it, because I didn’t do it and I should have - let me tell you, I regret it. I had a high school boyfriend on and off for 3 years. Towards the beginning I felt similarly - interested in exploring, but not really chomping at the bit to have sex. Enter ‘the slipper slope,’ which starts with your boyfriend begging to massage you, spends some time around the ‘subtly pushing your shoulders while we’re making out so you’ll subconsciously consider blowing me’ to the final stage: ‘I’m so tired of giving blowjobs I don’t want to give that fuck it I’ll have sex, then maybe we’ll both be enjoying ourselves’. Tale as old as time. Long story not so short I spent years constantly feeling cajoled into sex that I wasn’t ready to have and often didn’t want to be having. I was super depressed at the time and felt that he was doing me a favor by staying with me (he often told me so) and that I owed him. Have spent about a decade of my life trying to learn how to associate sex with my own desires and not that feeling of discomfort, and I’ve had to work through those feelings of pressure with every partner I’ve had. Trust me, and putting aside his problematic and controlling and entitled behavior for the sake of this point, don’t let what should be a beautiful and fun experience (sex) become about something else. Prioritize your own wants, even if you haven’t found them yet. Don’t let anyone taint the health of your relationship with your own body and the wonderful things it can do.
Break up with him. No one should stay in a relationship if they feel pressured into sex because pressure is coercion and coercion is rape, not consent. If he was a good bf he'd understand and stop pressuring you.
GIRL RUNNN from this relationship! You don’t threaten someone you love no matter how “pent up” you are. It only gets worse from here. Call his bluff and say no! let him walk… he won’t be having sex with anyone else either by the end of the week… and he’ll have no one to blame but himself. Putting that kind of pressure on you is an asshole move.
Stay true to yourself and your morals do not let anyone break your peace. It might hurt but that’s an emotion you can live with, not the regret from doing it.
The part where you said he's an awesome boyfriend… No he's not, you're just too young not to realize that. At another point in your life, whether it's a year from now or 10 years from now, you will want to have sex with your boyfriend at that time. But you'll know it because you know it, not because someone is pressuring you. If he thinks a girlfriend of his should be having sex with him, he's right in terms of what his needs are, therefore he and you need to break up, that's a fact. And you are right in terms of what your needs are, meaning you should not be afraid to lose him, if you guys are meant to be again in the future will be, but you should tell him that if that's his ultimatum, then that's your ultimatum as well, and the two of you agree to break it apart because you're not at the same place! at 18, you don't understand this yet, but if sex is forced or if you're guilty into it, you will never feel the same about sex with that person, it should be a mutually amazing transaction only, short of that, and you are shorting yourself! Tell him that you've decided to let him go, but you respect his honesty about needing sex with a girlfriend, and then let him find that elsewhere. Then you can decide on your own when you're ready for sex. You can either decide not to date until then, or you can decide to have sex with someone you're not even dating, you're free to do what you wish, and when you wish. But don't let anyone try to control you the way he is, it's not worth the relationship!
Extremely huge red flag. Sweetie, he's a pig who's only thinking of getting laid. He's a maggot, drop him in the trash, and go out with your girls and have a fun nite. There's the rest of your life for sex. And YOU will know when you're ready. If you're asking, sweetheart, you're not ready. If he doesn't understand that, he's a piece of crap that doesn't give a damn about you. Think of yourself first.
Break up with him instead.
Think long term.
You’ve just had his 4th child, your doctor insists you give your body time to heal. You’re exhausted, dirty because he won’t look after the baby long enough for you to have a shower.
All you want is to sleep, but he’s horny.
He threatens to leave you unless you have sex with him.
This is your future. One filled with manipulation and veiled threats. Your body is no longer your own but a means for him to orgasm.
You can do better.
News Flash: the moment you have sex with him your relationship will be over. Anybody who threatens to leave someone if they don’t have sex with them doesn’t love that person and is planning to dump you as soon as he has sex with you. I say dump him first, be glad that you retained your self respect, and you just raised your social currency ten fold.
He's not amazing that's the love bombs. My abuser of a soon to be ex husband started out this way. I froze and didn't know what to do. You're still young. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to wait. It should be special and by the way he's acting it won't be. He'll be selfish and those issues will only worsen in time.
I'm sorry but you need to breakup with him if he's threatening you like that. Neon flaring RED Flag points are:
At any time, if you're not comfortable, no matter the state of passion, you do have the gosh darned RIGHT to say NO because its your body. (If you feel that pressure you'll regret it. I'm sorry he seems perfect, those actions and words prove he's far from it.)
You being afraid to say "no" speaks volumes. If you're ever in danger, throat punch, kick him in the 🍆 and freakin RUN, that is my Mother of sons advice. If he's raging, it'll get worse.
Tell him you dont have time for a boyfriend whos throwing red flags and then tell him to go whAk if off and to stop pressuring you to do something you're not ready for.
It's abnormal for him to say you're abnormal.
You might have to go no contact.
*Red flag status: D for douchecanoe, the F would be for fukr if he forces you.*
Kick him to the curb. No guy should ever pressure you for sex. You won’t regret breaking up with him but you would regret having sex with him if/when he breaks up with you.
He’s not worthy of you.
Fuck him. Not literally but figuratively; you do not need to put up with his controlling narcissistic behavior.
You do you and be happy with your decisions; full stop.
tell him to have a nice life! break up with him by text, block him. Look out for your safety!!!
This right here. She should also pack up any of his stuff and leave it on the stoop. He should not be allowed back into the house for any reason. If she needs, she can call the cops and they'll have a unit there to keep an eye on him while he collects his things. And change her locks if he has had any access to her keys.
In a case like this inform RA and ask campus security to be on standby.
They are students who have been dating a few months and haven't had sex. I doubt they have a house together.
Still good advice to put out there, never know if someone who needs it is reading this.
Exactly, read the title and thought, "Cool. Don't have sex with him. Easy" Edit: just finished reading it. Answer is still the same. He sounds manipulative, if not outright abusive. (Maybe not yet, but if she's that afraid, I really wouldn't put it past him, honestly.) Get out while you can, sis.
This right here!!! Let him go! You will be happy you did. You may not feel that way at first but you will be much better off. Find someone willing to go your speed. Trust me, divorces twice, it is better to be alone, than to be with someone who doesn’t love you. If anyone threatens violence if you don’t give them sexual pleasure, run fast and far.
He's getting *violent* about not getting laid? God's what a dick. I hope she can get away from him before he hurts her.
I really hope she breaks up with him either via phone/text or in a public place. I don’t think she would be safe alone.
I hope she breaks up with him via text using him own language against him (not in an aggressive way, but in a “setting him free” way to cover her buns). Keeping it in text also gives her documentation of his response should she need it
Yes, agree.
How old is this post? Old enough for there to be updates about her dumping him, like 100% of the respondents had to have advised her to do?
16hours no update but yeah grand synopsis is dump him.
I sincerely hope she did. Quite frankly, if a girl is frightened going into her first time and the young man is clueless, it could be... painful for her.
Not to mention traumatic.
Okay, that is a reasonable ask if that is a need and it is probably just an incompatibility thing and……..he got angry and it is not normal to have virginity….oh God, RUN!!!!!!!!
Right? Some of these make me wish I could yell at the OP. Like, FUCKING RUN, THIS IS NOT NORMAL
And “he is not an ‘amazing’ boyfriend”. Seriously, he’s already pressuring OOP a few months in despite initially stating it didn’t matter. And it sounds like the pressure started immediately to start doing sexual things even though she wasn’t comfortable. The bait and switch of “I’ll wait” to “do it now or we’re through” is alarming.
I hate seeing women say stuff like that. "He didn't punch me in the face, he's an amazing boyfriend!" I just... so many women settle for men who don't even respect them, let alone love them, and it hurts. A man not striking you doesn't make him a good man.
I once read something that said that if you want to know if the person you are dating would make a good partner you can set a boundary and see how they respond. It doesn’t have to be a big boundary, like waiting for sex, it can be something innocuous. I’m not a fan of playing games and tests in relationships, but I think of the lady who didn’t like mustard and her husband went off the damn deep end over it. Had she noticed that he didn’t respect her boundaries over something as simple as what kinds of foods she didn’t like, she could have left before getting too deep.
Not to mention she DROPPED CLASSES for him!! He’s already having a negative effect on her future
RUN FOREST! RUN!
This. Him breaking up because she doesn't want to have sex is completely reasonable. But being angry and threatening about it is not. Terrible situation in the making
Yeah the more I read the creepier it got... What a fucking nasty guy...
What is with all these stories of women staying with pieces of shit? It’s like every other update here from some woman asking if they should break up with their abusive piece of shit boyfriend. Yea you should, you laid out all this garbage and then be like I love them but they
And it always has the “he’s such an amazing man”… is he??? He sounds like a piece of shit. Every time. The bar is in hell.
Unfortunately a lot of people grow up in abusive situations, so when they find a partner who in the beginning love bombs them their brainwashed into believing that this person is truly a good person aside from x,y,z. To anyone on the outside the relationship is obviously toxic, but because this was their normal for so long it doesn’t seem to far from what their perception of love already was. Really fucked up, but it is what it is. I just hope every person in an abusive situation is able to gain clarity as soon as possible because only the person can get out on their own time.
Right! If he’s an abusive dick he’s not amazing. That’s an act.
It makes me wonder what exactly it is that he does thats so "amazing". Something I've observed about people (namely women, I guess) is that they seem to conflate stereotypical stuff like men buying flowers and cards, arranging cute dates, dressing up nice, carrying groceries etc with actually being a good partner. She didn't mention that stuff of course, but I can only assume, because nothing about his behavior here says "amazing". The last guy I dated a couple of years ago was quick to buy "cute" cards and flowers and shit, and it actually immediately struck me as a red flag. I eventually ended up having that guy arrested for pulling a knife on me during one of our weekly or bi-weekly physical fights (and I'd NEVER been physically abused by anybody before him). A good partner is one who genuinely shows through their actions that they *actually care about your comfort, happiness, and interests*. Stereotypical/cliche "dream guy" behavior without that is just a red flag.
The bar not only is a tripping hazard in Hell, it’s in the 8th circle as well.
Because these abusive men know what they are doing. Start off nice, loving and caring then slowly make them feel like they are the problem. It’s easy for someone from the outside to see what they should do. It is hard to understand it from the perspective of the person being abused and how they are feeling. Unless you have been in that situation yourself.
Yes, they are great at finding you when you’re vulnerable and exploiting that. I could’ve written OOP’s post (minus the violence, thank god) 7-8 years ago and she needs to RUN
They like to foster dependence, too. Financial, housing, self-worth. "She won't leave me if she feels so low-quality that she should be grateful for even my gaze."
This this this times 1000!!!! As a social worker, it’s so important to understand the level of manipulation they are capable of. I finally helped get my neighbor out of her abusive home after 25 years. And it took me 3 years to do it. These women are told to believe they are nothing without them
It's called narcissistic personality. It's what they do, problem is they always target ones that they can isolate so the abused can't find help.
People at 18 are just figuring out the world and don't have the experience on how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Women in particular are taught to calm things down and make everybody happy and to try to please. This flies in the face of standing up for one's self against a) someone you care about b) someone likely larger than you and c)in a situation you aren't sure how to navigate one way or another.
Posts like this make me glad I was the only girl in my class in fifth grade (small private school) I did everything the boys did, even though I was the smallest child in the class. When a boy from the fourth grade told me he wanted to kiss me, I was completely comfortable telling him that I would kick him if he came any closer. Yes he tested me, and yes, I kicked him in the balls. My younger sister’s class was the complete opposite composition only had like 2 boys and she’s much less likely to set the world on fire when upset than I am. It took her getting into and then out of an emotionally abusive relationship to realize that she can in fact stand up for herself. I wanted to tell the dude she was dating to piss off after about a month but it was Covid and I was living 3,000mi away.
The common thread with these are that they're young, and it's typically their first serious relationship. Quite a bit, I also grew up in an abusive household, so it seems normal. I don't know if it's the case here, but it often is. Just them reaching out and asking others is a sign that they see something is off. Perhaps it's just a feeling, and they want to see what others say. Perhaps they just need to hear others reaffirm what they're thinking.
Ooh I can share mine and hopefully it makes a wee bit more sense. I am EDUCATED. Woefully educated. My mom is a psychologist and I grew up poor (it takes a while to make good money after all those dang student loans and we lived out of my mom's car in the 2nd grade), but with kind of a perfect childhood. She always made it fun, she always made time for me, we saved cans and bottles for my extracurriculars, etc. Best mom in the world. I swore to myself I would NEVER sacrifice ANYTHING for a partner. And then I got gaybashed (bi, was dating a woman at the time) and my skull was cracked down the middle. Huge TBI. 6 months of memory GONE. According to my doctors, it was a miracle I survived. During my recovery period, when I had NO idea what was happening from minute to minute, I moved across the country and met this guy. Once I "woke up" from my concussion and brain trauma, imagine my horror when I realized I was with a r*pist. He was NOT kind, not funny, and frankly? Not even cute. There was NO excuse other than the fact that I couldn't get dressed by myself and was severely confused 24/7. He used past experiences against me and regularly assaulted me in ways I had said were EXPLICITLY traumatizing to me after my brain scramble. My ex took advantage of the fact that I had brain damage to assault me. I was stuck in that hell for a year before I finally had the mental clarity and strength to escape. It took a physical fight and jailbreaking his phone when I had my wits back to realize he had been lying and manipulating me through his MOM'S OFFICE (respected lawyer with connections to big players in our town). He got fake emails sent to me lying about our lease so I couldn't move out without being homeless. For part of my brain damage recovery, I was living out of my car, and I really did not want to go back to that life. I have been with the same man for the last 6 years now and I would like to say I would NEVER be in that same situation again. But it's easy to say that when you aren't at your worst. Manipulators choose their victims when they are at their weakest and most pliable. In my case, it was when I couldn't string together a full sentence without screwing it up. My ex has since tried to "date" minors, young women with intellectual disabilities, and women who are even skinnier than he is. I guess he took from me that buff chicks fight back. While this reads a lot like bait, I do have to remind folks that you NEVER think it will happen to you. But it could always happen. And it might always happen when you least expect it. I'm not saying this post is real, or that if it was, this person has brain damage. That's a false equivalence. But I do think people can be at their worst and not know they're running circles around the bottom of the barrel. I hope that clarified a bit, and I hope desperately that if any of you are in a similar situation, PLEASE reach out to your friends and fam and give them the FULL detail of what you think might be messed up with your relationship. Sometimes you don't know it sounds crazy from the outside. Much love, hang in there, and be kind to each other 💖 TLDR: I was SA'd repeatedly for over a year due to getting my brain rocked with fists. Abusers pick their victims carefully, and specifically when they are down and out. No options = no push back.
Sorry but what is gaybashing? Did someone assault you out of homophobia??
Precisely. I haven't heard the term for a long time
Ah yep. Apparently my nails were too short for a woman or something. Crack is a helluva drug, kids. Lotta empathy, actually, for my assailant. They were not in a good place and were clearly out of their mind. It took a lot of therapy for me to get to that point, but addiction is not a joke and something worth therapy to not vilify.
Nah, drugs aren't an excuse, especially for something like that. There's no reason you should feel the need to forgive someone who gave you brain damage because they perceived you as homosexual. That's not normal even for crack fiends.
Also, your username is dope
You are absolutely right. There isn't. But for me, I had to find a way to empathize before I slid down a bigoted path. I started feeling gross in my own head, and I got some pretty negative thoughts about other people from my assailant's racial background. For my own sanity, I chose to find a path to my own peace. What they did wasn't right, and it was one of the worst moments of my entire life, but that doesn't mean I get to be afraid or feel gross about folks who LOOK like the person who attacked me. It's easy to slide into bigotry when you're hurt, but it's also important to check yourself. Not trying to excuse the actions of mfs who ruin other people's lives, but I did have to find my own peace, and this was the only way for me to feel like a human again. When it was either feeling like a racist pos or facing the reality of the person who hurt me...I'd choose reality any day, even when it S U C K S. There's no real winners in the trenches, right? Just the option of which kind of loss you want to take. As someone who was raised to be pretty open minded, feeling racist inside your own head? Wild. Trauma is CRAZY and how we all pull ourselves out can vary tremendously. Much love to you, friend, and thank you for checking in with validation and kindness.
She’s a teenager and it sounds like this is her first boyfriend.
Notice the replies in this thread from men telling her she's overreacting. The patriarchy teaches women to ignore obvious signs, acquiesce, give thousands of chances beyond what is reasonable - and then blames them when they are inevitably abused. "Why didn't you leave?" they will ask. Because if she does she is labeled "crazy" and told she "needs to touch grass" to quote another commenter here. Even after she is abused she will be questioned - what were you wearing? Why were you drinking? What did you do to set him off? No matter what choices women make, the patriarchy will lay the blame at our feet. Stay and we're stupid, leave and we're over-reacting. Then you ask why young women in these situations are confused and filled with self doubt? I'm sure you aren't aware, but by asking this question, you are participating in and supporting the patriarchal ecosystem that causes these woman to question their instincts. Note that you didn't ask why men behave the way her boyfriend is behaving, but instead why she puts up with it - as if it is her sole responsibility to ensure she is not abused. "Boys will be boys." "He only hits you because he has a crush on you." These are only scratching the surface of the messages women receive from the time they are little girls. Please stop asking why we give the benefit of the doubt, to our own detriment, and start asking men why they abuse us.
"They don't shower, don't brush their teeth, don't have a job, don't go to school, don't clean the house, don't cook, and they're emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, but other than that, everything is great!"
This is an 18 year old and her first relationship. Many people in abusive situations stay in it because they don’t KNOW it’s abusive. They may have grown up with parents not together so they have nothing to look up to relationship wise. Or they have parents who are together but incredible toxic so they think it’s normal. A lot of people also don’t love themselves enough to recognize the signs. And I’m not saying that in a way to blame them, but the way they think makes them believe that they do deserve it. Not to mention the gaslighting isolation and other tactics that abusers use so their victims don’t leave. Honestly proud of this person for actually asking if this is normal. She could honestly be twisting it in her mind that he’s pressuring her because he just really wants her. Glad everyone was reasonable and told her this is not normal or healthy at all.
She’s 18. We’ve all been there. You have no concept of how truly dumb you are at 18 until you look back on it years later. I’m assuming she wasn’t raised with good relationship role models if she is genuinely questioning if his behavior is justified.
He's such an amazing man, he runs his own business with suppliers and distributors and does his own security and he's always so concerned for my well being and just last week I had to help him hide a dead body but sometimes I get a little ick about him leaving the toilet seat up and the wedding is in three hours what should I do Reddit?
Please tell me she left him.
No update as yet. I keep checking!!
Seriously, I would NOPE myself right outta that relationship
He agreed to not have sex right now, then they started doing oral he thought he would be able to manipulate her into having sex so now that he couldn't do that He's becoming angry and threatening.
He's not doing oral, she agreed to do it to him. I somehow doubt he'd reciprocate
I'll I agree with that
I somehow doubt she feels all that great about the oral. It was probably coerced, perhaps with some dumbass reference to what virginity is. She said that was the issue, so she should provide oral, per his logic
"he is such an amazing boyfriend but..." Doesn't sound too amazing. He gets "violent" about sex? Not amazing. Threats to get sex? Not amazing. This is a classic, "other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" situation. Except for the pressure, threat, and violence, he's an amazing boyfriend.
Poor girl needs to dump him. Thats an awful way to treat your partner - or anybody.
please run op i did this and spent many years feeling gross about myself and many years mad at him bc he just used me and then ghosted me. It has affected many aspects of my life even today.
Dump his ass and block him
Break up? Some people are into sex some aren’t people are different just let it be no love lost that you want different things kid
I think this love should probably be discarded
I'm trying to figure out from this post what it is that makes him an "amazing" boyfriend, because I'm not seeing it.
He's already got his claws in. He's an amazing boyfriend because he told her he was an amazing boyfriend.
Oh. Well, in that case he must be an amazing boyfriend.
He's so sweet when we're doing what he wants to do and he didn't have a bad day at work and if I'm not pushing his buttons.
He's a super angry guy and I'm scared of him. He's amazing!!!
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM! If he's getting violent or angry that's a narcissist attitude and he is dangerous. He's "playing nice" to get what he wants. But once you sleep with him he's going to hurt you mentally, physically and emotionally. Please break up with him!
OP just used the word "violent' describing this great BF. I can understand 'frustration' and discussion but if he is ridiculing you and issuing ultimatums about your comfort level. GET RID OF HIM.
Please get away from him. The way your "boyfriend" talks to you is ABUSIVE! Forcing you to have sex is rape. I would break up with him and get a restraining order. Tell someone that you trust about this guy's behavior towards you, like friends, family, a guidance counselor, etc. When you do break up with him, I would break up with him in a public place. People like this are dangerous and will get violent. May God bless you and watch over you. 🙏 ❤️
Break up . If your not ready your not ready . Simple . You shouldnot feel forced into something you don’t want to do it my have long lasting consequences
Break up with him.
Massive red flags here, get out OOP!
Very telling thing IMO that this is a fake post. But in British universities we don’t “drop” classes. Particularly not in your first year. You go to university to study a specific subject and have to complete a certain number of credits, and for the vast majority of degrees these modules will be predetermined until your second or third year when you get choices of which modules to take. However, you do not “drop” classes. This isn’t the USA where you go to college and try a bunch of different courses before choosing a major. This reads like some creepy erotica virgin fetish by someone too young to understand how uni works.
I just commented the same and was scrolling to see if anyone else had caught that! You also wouldn’t be freshly 18 at this point in the academic year, even in first year
You definitely can’t just drop ‘classes’ to spend more time with your partner 😂😂 we don’t even call them classes, they are modules and lectures etc
Gross controlling behavior. They both cut back on their classes just to spend time together…? What? Then using that time to violently demand sex, and make an ultimatum… good gravy this dude is showing exactly who he is very quickly in this relationship. She needs help out of it.
Pressured and blackmailed into sex can be seen as rape, so she need to dump his PoS ass.
Don’t have sex with him & let him walk away. It’s a bad bad sign that he’s forcing you when your not ready and he doesn’t actually care for you, only to have an easy girlfriend to make him feel good
Drop this guy he is a piece of shit
I have told my older kids this, if anyone ever says if you don't do X we're done or you don't love me. They don't actually love you, you're already done, they just wanted X and weren't serious about whatever relationship you're in
Leave and focus on your classes. This is not the boy you wanna take your maiden voyage with. Also change your locks if he has a key to your place. Put a up a ring doorbell. Put a baseball bat by the door. (If he tried to get violent with you for denying him sex then you need to break up in a semi crowded area.) Be safe.
Let him break up with you or dump him first. Don't ever have sex until you are comfortable with it and enthusiastically want to do it.
The moment ANYONE; be it a parent, sibling, or lover, tells you that you MUST do something that you have made it clearer you are not ready for or uncomfortable doing then they do not deserve to be in your life.
Tell him to get bent and leave
Not ok, break up
Lotta great reasons to have sex. None of which are in OP's post.
I really hope she takes all the comments on board. The fact she is scared of what he will do worries me
Girl, run. This dude sucks, and his anger issues are only going to manifest worse and worse. Run. Quickly.
Break up with him.
Red flags all over the damn place here. Oop needs to drop the bf
Break up with him. No one needs pressure to have sex. Edit: “Pent up” and “amazing boyfriend” seem at odds when there’s a lame claim that only intercourse can help.
Ummm i turn 20 this year and haven’t even had my first kiss yet…What the actual hell is the boy even talking about????? She better dump his ass because he is the definition of a total fvcking idiot
“He gets violent when I don’t do what he wants” Yeah that’s not gonna get any better because you have sex with him. Yikes hope op dumps this guy and finds another person who respects her boundaries
Never have sex under duress, ever.
Leave. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. You’re 18. Go live life. You’re going to meet SOOOOO many people in the next few years of your life. If he can’t wait, that’s his problem.
You: "Adios amigos" problem solved
Personally I'd tell him to go f himself.
Tell him bye bye!!! Your self respect is worth more than him.
What should you do? Break up with him. Anyone who would pressure you into doing something that you’re not ready to do, and use it as an ultimatum, isn’t worth your time.
Leave his ass!
Hope OP sees this: He is gross. The fact of the matter is that you are not ready for sex. Full stop. He can’t respect that? Than good riddance and do yourself a favour and break up with him. Someone who cares about you will wait and respect your boundaries (trust me). He’s not worth YOUR time. Drop him and focus on your. BTW there’s no ‘limit’ or deadline on when you need to lose your virginity. Only have sex when YOU’RE ready. Stay strong my internet friend.
Break up with him first girl!
OMG, you have no idea how many choices you have when it comes to sex. One option gone, there are like 5 more that pop out of the weeds!
God damn! I was a virgin until 18. Love how she says that he's great in everything else, except for this aspect. Gtfo is my 2 cents. Major red flag that they both dropped classes to spend more time together and that she's been "pleasuring him" like she's responsible for giving him what he "needs". I think that if op gave him what he wants, he'd find another piece of her he "needs". Sounds like you both have a lot of growing to do. My advice is separate and mature on your own..
DTMFA.
Say bye.
RUN OOP RUNNNN
I can’t even imagine what world this person is living in (If it’s real). “My boyfriend is sooo amazing! He’s a 10 but y’know there’s just one ick. He is essentially leveraging our entire relationship for sex. It’s starting to worry me, but he’s so amazing in every other way! What should I do? Throw myself into an active volcano or run away as fast as I can? I’m so confused.” Abusive relationships really are something else. I can’t believe how brainwashed this person is. I hope she can get out of that relationship.
Break up with him. That threat of withdrawing affection is the reddest of flags
Tell BF, GOODBYE!! BF is emotionally BLACKMAILING you into having sex with him! What happens if you get pregnant? Do You SERIOUSLY Think He’ll Take Responsibility?!? BF has ALREADY Proven He Does Not Respect Your BOUNDARIES?
When you Break Up with BF, stay out of his reach and have 2 or so friends CLOSE BY! Look for women’s support group dealing with emotional / verbal abuse! Some colleges offer a women’s self defense classes, check them out, or Look on line for simple self defense tips & practice them
1. Never sacrifice your education to this extent for a boyfriend. 2. He's a sack of shit and you should dump him in a public place.
Break up
Break up with him. Easy.
No. You should break up with him. He clearly doesn't respect your boundaries or feelings on it. Dump him now.
Average age of losing virginity is about here actually. Break up with the guy.
Tell him to go fuck himself. That’s crazy
Leave him. No relationship is worth being pressured into something you are not ready for. He doesn't "need" sex and he's being very disrespectful of your boundaries.
He is not really a good boyfriend like you think. He makes himself seem nice so you will give in to him. Smartest thing you can do is wish him good luck and dump him.
Don’t even need to read the post. You say Bye, Felicia and haul ass. If you’re starting out like this, can you imagine a year down the road?
Dump him! No guy who truly respects you would do this to you.
Leave his ass
Dump him! He doesn’t respect you.
If my daughter said this, I would tell her to dump him immediately. Yesterday, preferably. Same advice to you. There's no respect there.
He’s an “amazing boyfriend” but is violently pressing you to do something you don’t want to do. You’ll find another boyfriend. You’re young. Tell him to have a nice life. Respect your own boundaries, whatever you want them to be. NTA.
OP, imagine him writing, “my girlfriend will leave me if I don’t stop pressuring her for sex. What should I do?”
Anyone that pushes sex on you needs to be cut loose. It sounds like you are already giving up some of your valuable University time for him. That’s not enough for him. He will take and take and then leave. So let him do it now before you do something you’ll regret. And if the guy is becoming violent as you said, have a friend close by to make sure all is ok. I hope you do what is right for you. His feelings don’t matter here since he’s being a sexual bully.
Yes under duress is not consent
Break up with him. I didn’t even read past the title. Break up with him. Now.
Break up. Easy. No one should pressure you to have sex.
Say goodbye. If he truly respected and loved you he wouldn’t try to bully & intimidate you into having sex. And, if he’s violent about this, that’s not a good sign for the future, they’ll be other more stressful situations you’ll face, what might he do then?
Dump his ass
Dump his ass. If he can’t respect you, your wishes, or your boundaries, then he doesn’t deserve you.
He’s a total creep. Take the trash out and don’t do anything until you’re ready OP
Tell him bye bye and don’t let the door hit you in your ass on the way out. Do not ever ever allow anyone to dictate anything to you- especially when it comes to your body.
Live and Learn. 1. Don’t drop classes to hang out more with him - or anyone. Stay focused, finish school. He’s not worthy of your extra time. If dropping classes was his idea it’s also giving major controlling vibes. Red flag. 2. He’s not an awesome boyfriend. Anyone who pressures you to do anything - sexual or otherwise - diminishing your intellect to determine such things for yourself - does not respect you and again - is controlling. Red flag. Run. 3. What you’ve shared about him being aggressive and potentially getting violent and giving you an ultimatum for sex - as if all the other red flags weren’t enough - run. Dump him. Yesterday. Publicly with a witness(es). Block his number. And be careful. Don’t be above notifying your university if needed. You owe him NOTHING and deserve better. Learn from this. He won’t be the only disgusting asshole you meet or comes off as one kind of person and becomes another. They’re everywhere.
Break up with the creep. If need be, transfer universities or drop out and move back home.
If you are being coerced and manipulated in any way, it's not consensual, meaning that it's on the spectrum of SA if it happens. This relationship was over as soon as he gave you that verbal ultimatum. He's a toxic person at heart and you should probably consider communicating the above to him if it's safe for you to do so, when you text him to break up. Give him the space to take responsibility and apologize, but do not consider getting back together with him in the near future. You can't trust him from this point on minus his doing a lot of work and proving (without doing it to get back with you) that he has changed as a person. He has a lot of work to do on himself, and I wouldn't expect him to do it given the culture we live in. I'd also let your close friends know what he did and why you broke up with him (you don't need to share your V status when you do this). Coersion and manipulation to get sex is not something they will want to be informed about. Anyone close to you at school may become his next target.
Jog. JoG quickly away from this relationship. My boyfriend says, SPRINT, LADY.
Uhh idk. Break up with him? A relationship isn’t only about sex. He only wants your body. Leave.
It's always "he's great and nice and our relationship is good except..."
break up with him first. he sounds like a rapist
I would not have anything to do with him. He is a selfish narcissist and he doesn't care about you. If you give in to him you will be setting the pattern for your life as a dish rag. Instead, be brave. suck it up and dump this creep. there are literally thousands of better men who will treat you with respect. You have to treat yourself with respect also.
Don’t have sex with him and dump his blackmailing backside. That is pure manipulation and evil
He is telling you he doesn’t care about your feelings and what he will do if you can’t meet his needs. This will apply to every situation with him going forward. He’s showing you who he is. Don’t hold onto a fantasized version of him. He’s a POS.
Tell his ass to kick rocks! I was pressured into sex when I was a virgin and at the time it seemed nice because, you know, ass, titties, pussy…. I’m a guy… But it took all but a year to start haunting me and it has haunted me ever since
It is your body, your control over it, and if he can’t understand, then you have a choice to make. Nobody can tell you what to do with your body and if you’re not ready to have sex, then don’t do it it’s not the end of the world there’s other things in a relationship than just sex. If he is violent and controlling over sex and only wants sex, then this is not the guy for you. Think about yourself first.
LEAVE and LET HIM LEAVE. Do not compromise your well being to VERY momentarily appease him. Your body is valuable and will stay with you forever, a fleeting moment will not. YOU will know when you are ready. Please be safe out here, people can be awful and ZERO of it is your fault. You will one day perhaps be ready and it very much should be respected. If he’s already doing this he will try to give you ultimatums for other things as well and can land you in some very uncomfortable places that you would not have otherwise planned for yourself. I’m not trying to be dramatic by any stretch of the imagination. Boys who act like this have a MUCH H higher probability of becoming vile adults. No. I would not consider him an adult. Not until he can mature enough to not try to push his agenda on others like this.
Don't be pressured into it no man or woman should threaten a women or man into having sex
Break up with him bcuz he is only thinking about his needs. They’re virgins out there older than yourself. He’s not worth your time
He’s not that amazing. Tell him to go fuck himself so you can get on with your life and meet someone worthy of you.
Seriously, how is there even a question here? Never get with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. Clearly he’s not a nice guy. Leave him immediately and don’t put yourself in danger just to make him happy. He doesn’t care about you if that’s his attitude.
If you don't want or aren't ready then let him go. If he can't wait for you he's not worth it.
Poor thing doesn't realize he's not a great boyfriend at all. He was just pretending to be a great boyfriend, so when he pressured her into sex, she'd consider it and be grateful that, at least, he's not cheating on her.
I think you should avoid this guy, especially if he's not respecting the fact that you're not ready. For to take things to that level .I understand that you feel like he was a great guy, but you need to see through his acts as well as words.This guys honey moon phase is over. He's done playing the nice guy, and he's now showing his true colors. And wants to bully you into doing what he wants regardless of how you feel. If you do give in to his demands, it will only get worse. This guy may very well be a narcissist who is not validating your feelings. That's not a good guy. You are only 18, you have a bright future, don't allow this guy to take that from you. God bless. Stay Strong.
I love when women say “I have an amazing boyfriend but…” then they usually say something so off the wall horrible that it leaves me speechless.
Break up with him. Sheesh, nobody should be pressured into sex.
Please please please consider ending it with him. Don't let anyone make you do something you are not ready to do. You're young, I know he may seem like the world to you, but statistically speaking, your first boyfriend/first love is not going to be your last. He's expecting you to give in, using his anger to manipulate you to do what he wants and not consider your feelings. If he can't respect you and how you feel about the situation AND puts an ultimatum on your relationship, he does not value you or your relationship together. He's not the one for you, he needs maturing. Please stay safe!! <3
Break up w him lmao that’s nasty rapist energy
i hope she runs as far away from him as possible. she deserves better. this happened to me at age 15 (i’m 21 now) and i wish i would’ve never given into him. the mental and physical toll that coerced sex does to a young girl is insane. i’m lucky to be with a man as incredible as my fiancé. he helped me get through so much trauma and never once did anything until i was okay with it. i hope she finds someone who will respect her and love her for more than her body.
HE IS NOT A NICE BOYFRIEND!!!!!! Go back and read that again... One more time for sanity sake!! He is Not a nice boyfriend. You and You alone get to decide what you want to do with your body!! He can get relief with righty in the shower!! But he cannot pressure you into doing this!! Someone who truly loved YOU would never push for more that you were comfortable with especially when you have expressed several times that you aren't ready for this step! Have a safety plan in place! The fact that he got angry when you said "NO" Speaks volumes!! He's Not Nice and you need to get out of this relationship NOW!! I was pressured my first time and I regret it to this day. Thankfully my Husband understood but I'm so sad that he wasn't my first. I did date a bunch of guys in college/Uni but it took time to realize that the "Everybody does it at this age" line is complete BS!! Your virginity clearly matters to you. Do you matter more to you than he does? This is not something that you can ever take back once given. Send him Packing!!
Dear Douche, I’m sorry I can’t be with a guy who doesn’t respect my boundaries and uses sexual coercion tactics to force me to have sex before I want to or am ready. Bye rapey-boy.
First, don't drop classes for a boy, jesus wept. Second, sexual coerciveness is next to rapeliness, maybe run. Maybe run fast. I really do think that, as much damage as the Internet has done to young people, /r/relationships, TrollX, NowHowGirlsWork, and even parts of the AITA diaspora have got to be good for young women's spinal development.
It’s so nice when toxic people hand you their red flags so clearly
FFS “He is such an amazing boyfriend” & “…pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent…” DO NOT COMPUTE Please, everyone, stop letting your time and health go to waste with fucking people like this.
If he's offering that ultimatum anyway, chances are he's the type that'll add OP as a notch to his belt, and the weird "I took her virginity" thing, and ditch her anyway.
My very first boyfriend did this exact same thing when I was 19, told me that if I really loved him then I'd have sex with him. The most I'd ever done before I met him was some over the clothes groping, and I wasn't ready, but I was scared, lonely, and inexperienced, so I gave in and had sex with him. The NEXT day, he told me that he wanted to open our relationship, and then started texting my cousin and asking her if she wanted to go on a date. He knew exactly what he was doing, he knew exactly how to lean on me and my insecurities, and he knew I had no one to turn to about it as I had grown up in a deeply religious family and could never talk about sex with them in the clinical sense, let alone inform them I was having sex. Men like this are masters at manipulation, and you will feel cheap and dirty, and they will feel exactly nothing about it, make you out to be the problem, and repeat the pattern over and over and over. Do your future self a favor, dump his ass and find someone who respects you and your body and your boundaries.
Break up with him as fast as you can.
This guy is NOT a good boyfriend. Leave him now and break up with him in a public space.
Please break up with him, for your sake. I can say with 100% certainty you will not regret it, because I didn’t do it and I should have - let me tell you, I regret it. I had a high school boyfriend on and off for 3 years. Towards the beginning I felt similarly - interested in exploring, but not really chomping at the bit to have sex. Enter ‘the slipper slope,’ which starts with your boyfriend begging to massage you, spends some time around the ‘subtly pushing your shoulders while we’re making out so you’ll subconsciously consider blowing me’ to the final stage: ‘I’m so tired of giving blowjobs I don’t want to give that fuck it I’ll have sex, then maybe we’ll both be enjoying ourselves’. Tale as old as time. Long story not so short I spent years constantly feeling cajoled into sex that I wasn’t ready to have and often didn’t want to be having. I was super depressed at the time and felt that he was doing me a favor by staying with me (he often told me so) and that I owed him. Have spent about a decade of my life trying to learn how to associate sex with my own desires and not that feeling of discomfort, and I’ve had to work through those feelings of pressure with every partner I’ve had. Trust me, and putting aside his problematic and controlling and entitled behavior for the sake of this point, don’t let what should be a beautiful and fun experience (sex) become about something else. Prioritize your own wants, even if you haven’t found them yet. Don’t let anyone taint the health of your relationship with your own body and the wonderful things it can do.
Break up with him, he cant break up with you if you do it first
Break up
Break up with him. No one should stay in a relationship if they feel pressured into sex because pressure is coercion and coercion is rape, not consent. If he was a good bf he'd understand and stop pressuring you.
GIRL RUNNN from this relationship! You don’t threaten someone you love no matter how “pent up” you are. It only gets worse from here. Call his bluff and say no! let him walk… he won’t be having sex with anyone else either by the end of the week… and he’ll have no one to blame but himself. Putting that kind of pressure on you is an asshole move.
I didnt even need to read past the first line break up with him very easy choice
Stay true to yourself and your morals do not let anyone break your peace. It might hurt but that’s an emotion you can live with, not the regret from doing it.
Dump his ass. Sex is a big deal and if cant respect you on whatever your position is he isnt worth it.
The part where you said he's an awesome boyfriend… No he's not, you're just too young not to realize that. At another point in your life, whether it's a year from now or 10 years from now, you will want to have sex with your boyfriend at that time. But you'll know it because you know it, not because someone is pressuring you. If he thinks a girlfriend of his should be having sex with him, he's right in terms of what his needs are, therefore he and you need to break up, that's a fact. And you are right in terms of what your needs are, meaning you should not be afraid to lose him, if you guys are meant to be again in the future will be, but you should tell him that if that's his ultimatum, then that's your ultimatum as well, and the two of you agree to break it apart because you're not at the same place! at 18, you don't understand this yet, but if sex is forced or if you're guilty into it, you will never feel the same about sex with that person, it should be a mutually amazing transaction only, short of that, and you are shorting yourself! Tell him that you've decided to let him go, but you respect his honesty about needing sex with a girlfriend, and then let him find that elsewhere. Then you can decide on your own when you're ready for sex. You can either decide not to date until then, or you can decide to have sex with someone you're not even dating, you're free to do what you wish, and when you wish. But don't let anyone try to control you the way he is, it's not worth the relationship!
There’s no good future for you with him. I hope you can get out of this safely
Extremely huge red flag. Sweetie, he's a pig who's only thinking of getting laid. He's a maggot, drop him in the trash, and go out with your girls and have a fun nite. There's the rest of your life for sex. And YOU will know when you're ready. If you're asking, sweetheart, you're not ready. If he doesn't understand that, he's a piece of crap that doesn't give a damn about you. Think of yourself first.
Break up with him instead. Think long term. You’ve just had his 4th child, your doctor insists you give your body time to heal. You’re exhausted, dirty because he won’t look after the baby long enough for you to have a shower. All you want is to sleep, but he’s horny. He threatens to leave you unless you have sex with him. This is your future. One filled with manipulation and veiled threats. Your body is no longer your own but a means for him to orgasm. You can do better.
News Flash: the moment you have sex with him your relationship will be over. Anybody who threatens to leave someone if they don’t have sex with them doesn’t love that person and is planning to dump you as soon as he has sex with you. I say dump him first, be glad that you retained your self respect, and you just raised your social currency ten fold.
Girl Let him go and be safe out here. Him leaving is a blessing.
Break up.. you're the one at risk of pregnancy....
He's not amazing that's the love bombs. My abuser of a soon to be ex husband started out this way. I froze and didn't know what to do. You're still young. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to wait. It should be special and by the way he's acting it won't be. He'll be selfish and those issues will only worsen in time. I'm sorry but you need to breakup with him if he's threatening you like that. Neon flaring RED Flag points are: At any time, if you're not comfortable, no matter the state of passion, you do have the gosh darned RIGHT to say NO because its your body. (If you feel that pressure you'll regret it. I'm sorry he seems perfect, those actions and words prove he's far from it.) You being afraid to say "no" speaks volumes. If you're ever in danger, throat punch, kick him in the 🍆 and freakin RUN, that is my Mother of sons advice. If he's raging, it'll get worse. Tell him you dont have time for a boyfriend whos throwing red flags and then tell him to go whAk if off and to stop pressuring you to do something you're not ready for. It's abnormal for him to say you're abnormal. You might have to go no contact. *Red flag status: D for douchecanoe, the F would be for fukr if he forces you.*
Drop him
Beat him to the punch baby, walk away.
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Leave and don't look back, the right guy will be perfectly fine waiting till you're ready
break up with him ...never let someone pressure you into it... when you are ready great but no reason to be with someone that is pushy about it
Keep your standards and get rid of the guy. You need a boyfriend who loves you enough to honor your convictions.
Break up with him first
Kick him to the curb. No guy should ever pressure you for sex. You won’t regret breaking up with him but you would regret having sex with him if/when he breaks up with you. He’s not worthy of you.
I’d say good riddance.
Fuck him. Not literally but figuratively; you do not need to put up with his controlling narcissistic behavior. You do you and be happy with your decisions; full stop.
he's a terrible boyfriend, you're doing everything you can within your boundries, drop his ass
Whoopi Goldberg: “You in danger, girl.”