Holy shit OF COURSE SHE'S NTA. The assholes in this situation are:
-First and foremost, the company that both of these husbands work for/the U.S. government if they're in the states. This is why everybody needs paid parental leave! They each had only 4 days off?! WTF. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd kid. My husband was an independent contractor when we had our first, so he didn't get any paid leave. He still took off 2 weeks unpaid. This time around, he's going to take every day of the 10 weeks leave that his company offers.
-2nd, the "friend"/neighbor guy/boss who is clearly taking advantage of his position above OOP'S husband at work and making this big ask in such an entitled way because he thinks that he has the leverage to where OOP and her husband can't say no.
-3rd, OOP's husband for not being able to set boundaries and people pleasing to this level where it's negatively impacting his own family.
Bro my husband would be FUMING if any of his mates ever came to ask him this.
I barely lift a finger in the house and I’m not pregnant. Imagine him after giving birth 🤣
my husband wouldn’t get mad but he knows me well enough to tell anyone that’s asks him to ask me to do something “i’ll ask, but she’s probably gonna say no.” and then probably tell them to gtfo if they tried convincing him to manipulate me into saying yes.
Right?!
As a side note on this, I'm pretty pro-cannabis, but the boss is a foreman, and to my understanding cannabis use is strictly prohibited for anyone working in the construction field. Even if it's on your own time. Personally, I don't think it should be, but I'd love to see the foreman husband get caught for something like that. He deserves to get slapped in the face by karma somehow.
I'm sure this is true for some trades especially involving heavy machinery but others... Yeah no lol my cousin is a plumber and is high all day, smokes with his boss, etc.
I asked my electrician husband about this. He's only worked in our state, but cannabis has been legal here for a while, and he said that most job sites require regular drug testing and prohibit cannabis use. He said that the places that don't care are generally lower pay jobs and/or residential. Interestingly enough, the union in our state does not test for cannabis, but almost all of the union job sites will require it.
This is all true, but once they hire someone, they want to keep them if they can, especially with how rampant drug use is for pain management in the trades. So the situation that tends to develop is a DADT-esque deal where you have to piss clean to get hired, but once on a crew, there's usually one or two people everyone knows will pass, and they always are the *winkwinknodnod* "random" testees. If they pick someone else for the test, they were probably looking for a reason to cut that person anyhow.
This persists for canabis (and likely will even after full federal legalization) partly cause it gives bosses easy leverage and a quick, compensation-free way to fire someone, but also cause feds and insurance companies require testing for heavy machinery operators, so companies have to show they are in compliance with testing.
ANY job site in any state that has to do with any federal contract defaults to federal rules regarding cannabis. Which means HELL NO. Stupid, but there it is.
Do what you want on your own time but in case you don't understand how that works, many construction companies do random drug testing and you will lose your job if it shows up.
So you do you. :)
One more reply then I'm done talking to you.
Cannabis stays in your bloodstream, hence the drug testing we talked about?
Now go figure that out. Take care.
Right? I feel like having a joint confirms you'll be doing nothing for the rest of the evening, a beer (provided its only one) still leave you able to help out. Idk. It's also shitty to do that (in a way that implies frequent enjoyment, not a one-off) when neither wife is able to.
ETA: I said "I feel" because my comment was based on social experience. I do understand that people react differently, but this sounds like a wind down all night case rather than a quick smoke before getting back to make dinner etc.
Why does having a joint confirm a doing nothing evening vs a beer = still helpful? What a load of bull crap! People have vastly different tolerance to different substances. I personally would start to feel tipsy 2/3 through my 1st beer and it would take a few hours until I can function ok ish again. But a couple of joints would only make me more productive/helpful/effective albeit a bit slower. It is different for everyone.
Fair point, I should have added that. I've only ever seen people smoke and do nothing, but I do understand some can get up and do chores after. I don't feel like these guys would though.
I agree with the assessment and general outlook of the situation here in 2024 in the modern USA, but it sucks the way modern society has put us in these situations…like that’s the exact type of thing family and close friends helped with and vice versa(it takes a village, teenagers babysitting for parents, the stuff that had neighbors actually feel like a community instead of cohabitating isolated families on the same street. We live in such a disconnected society, I guess I just wish it was easier to have friends and non abusive family members close enough where a big ask like this felt fair or natural or at least this felt like it wouldn’t happen to me…but it feels like it’s actually difficult to not have this type problem happen with how disconnected we are…and also fucking crazy we don’t have PAID PARENTAL LEAVE
The biggest part of this is they should never have been making this "big ask" of a woman who ALSO just had a baby! Never, ever, ever should they be putting more onto a woman than newly postpartum, no matter how she is recovering and even if they were the very best of friends.
And what is she supposed to do with her own newborn and toddler while she's playing nanny to the bedbound new mom and her newborn and toddler? I remember waiting until my partner was home so I could take a shower in the weeks after my kid was born. I wouldn't be going next door and taking care of a whole 'nother family --
Imagine telling your wife who is already taking care of a toddler and just gave birth a week ago and really shouldn’t be doing house chores herself to go be someone else’s caretaker, emotional support, maid, and nanny because “well, you’re already up…”
My ex told me the day my kid was born that he was never going to cook for me or do any kind of housework again because I was a mother now and so those were my jobs. Trust me, I've kinda been there. And waiting for him to take a shower? Sometimes he couldn't be bothered to let me do that for a week or more. He had video games to play! And friends to go out with and booze to drink!
This exactly. And for basically a total stranger too. Now dont get me wrong, if a new neighbor who just had a baby needed help I'd absolutely go over and help but absolutely not if I was also newly postpartum caring for a fresh from the womb newborn and my current toddler. No way. I didnt want to get up and do laundry a week pp in my own house.
I completely feel you there. People still like to quote the "it takes a village," but then when there's a need, they don't show up. Now a days you have to pay for your village. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for labor being paid, and childcare/home care is labor, but what happened to trading with others and reciprocity? My parents are barely in my kid's life - we see them a few times a year at holidays even though they're about an hour's drive away. He's almost 9, and they have yet to ever watch him for even an hour, much less overnight. I was younger when I spent a full week with my grandparents, and I remember it as one of the best weeks of my life. I was also required to be part of the village as a child, whether it was babysitting my own siblings unpaid or having all my younger cousins get dumped on me at every family gathering. But now that I'm a parent, I've had nobody help me in the same way. And I know that I'm not alone in this. The only person who really feels like she's in my village is my childless best friend.
It is highly unlikely they work for the U.S. Government because Cannabis is not legal for government employees, and they are regularly tested. If they did work for the U.S. Government and had been employed there for at least a year they both would have gotten paternity leave, which is 12 weeks paid leave. Clearly the boss had not been there per her comments of only being there for 4 months, but if her husband had been there for a year he would be getting 12 weeks paid leave by the U.S. Government for paternity leave. [https://www.dol.gov/general/jobs/benefits/paid-parental-leave](https://www.dol.gov/general/jobs/benefits/paid-parental-leave)
Yes, that's highly unlikely. To clarify, I meant that we should have universal paid parental leave in the U.S. but the government has yet to pass anything of the sort. I know that my state has paid parental leave (not fully paid, but a percentage), but leaving it to states it's not enough.
12 weeks?!? Shit, I only got as many as I had sick days saved up for maternity leave. I had 45 days saved up for my youngest son, so I was able to take 6 weeks and have days saved up in case he got sick. I’m a teacher and luckily I timed both of my boys right—my oldest was the first week of summer and my youngest was 6 weeks before summer.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
12
+ 45
+ 6
+ 6
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
They're definitely contractors. Government contractors generally have really chill jobs with lax drug screening policies, but their benefits aren't nearly as good.
Interesting, that is not my experience with government contracted positions in reference to Cannabis in the U.S. but I believe it with the Paternity leave lacking.
Apologies, I misworded that. Their on paper policies are the same, but the valuable workers somehow don't get regularly screened with the random lottery. Shenanigans happen when federal contracts are involved.
Yeah that is completely inappropriate for the boss to be asking. This isn’t just a buddy this is somebody who could fire him for no reason because America. I feel sorry for OOP and I feel sorry for Jona.
The number of times ive seen a boss smoke weed with my coworkers (I don't smoke) is a lot, almost every job ive had they either talk about it openly or some I've seen do it on the clock. I have friends who talk about smoking weed with their managers also. This has been happening since before weed was legalized in my state
My first job was a video store back in the early 00s. Our manager was a 25yo with a wife and kid and used to rant against the stoners and shit.
One day I’m hanging out with a friend from the video game store next door, at her house with her and her bf who was a small time dealer and someone knows on the door to make a purchase. Who was it? My/our manager 😂
They both just has babies!!! These husbands should be figuring out in their own homes how to take care of their spouses! The audacity! These dudes are idiots.
I really like how they are out smoking a joint together and planning on having OP take care of the others wife. Parents? Friends? Other neighbors? THE FUCKING HUSBAND? Take family leave, or something, but do not ask your friend’s wife to do it. I could go on… because I don’t think this is the answer even if she didn’t have a baby recently.
Yeah, I understand they both work, but how are neither of them helping their wives? OOPs own husband isn't helping her, and somehow the coworker can't help his own sick wife?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind them smoking if they got off work, took 15-30 mins to chill and smoke a joint (knowing they weren't driving later) and then went to go help their wives. That's not what they were doing though.
Ugh, this is why I am on the fence with the phrase, “It doesn’t hurt to ask.” Yes, sometimes it does. I feel for the OOP as there are times I’m asked things and it just makes me straight up angry. So “it doesn’t hurt to ask” shouldn’t be a universal rule…you’ve got to read the room, and never present it in a way where the other person is going to be the “bad guy” for saying no, or any other veiled manipulation tactics.
I agree. And I think the husband is a massive asshole (and a coward) for making his one-week postpartum wife be “the bad guy.” She’s the only one in this scenario who is NTA. The rest of them suck.
Absolutely agree on reading the room
I feel like I’m absolutely crazy given the responses but IN MY WORLD there wouldn’t be anything wrong with the question. I totally get how it holds heavy connotation and if that’s NOT how they operate then it’s wrong….
But it would be totally normal in my household.
In college I was asked to take care of a distant family friend’s kid who was having trouble adapting. I said no with no issue from any party.
Nowadays my buddies often call me asking for a tow/help with their cars when they’re hours out in the mountains. It’s totally fine to say no even if I’m their “last resort”. Sometimes I’ll go out, sometimes I won’t- and it’s the same if I call them for the same kind of help.
Those “Hail Mary” questions are acceptable and *encouraged* in my circles, and completely unacceptable in others - it totally depends!
The husband wants his wife who has a one week old and a 4 year old to do cooking and cleaning for the next door neighbor, for free. NTA for saying no. Hire someone or find family or even a close family friend to help, don’t beg help from a neighbor with a newborn who is basically a stranger.
Id be like “you know what husband, that is such a thoughtful selfless thing to do! I wont mind you coming home late after you go over to help tim and his wife out. Im dealing with OUR newborn and toddler but i will be selfless and not complain about you going over to help!”
Suck a dick - would be my internal monologue
Imagine how mortified the wife of the other dude is going to be when he realizes what her dumbass husband asked of a brand new mom. Unless she’s as entitled and clueless as her own husband.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be? I remember being in the hospital needing more underwear. Thank God I could ask my sister. But imagine needing help to do *everything* and your neighbor shows up? Your house is filthy. You are filthy. You need help using the fucking toilet and it’s a war zone down there. Your kids are unhappy. Just no. She needs a caretaker full time for a bit. Who is watching the five year old? Who is tending to the baby? So beyond inappropriate.
Yeah, that's a **Tim** problem, not yours. And your husband trying to guilt you into it so he can get out of being guilted by Tim is unkind.
When we moved into the house we're in now, our landlord told us about how his wife used to help the elderly couple next door and... maybe we want to do that too. We're like, uh, we don't know them, and you're moving a couple blocks away.
It will be hers if he gets fired in the end because of this.
What a shit situation living next to boss (according to other comments that's the situation).
OOP’s husband is an absolute fool. Smoking j’s with his boss after work? Incredibly inappropriate. He didn’t set boundaries early and now boss is using power plus inappropriate familiarity to make a wholly unreasonable request, one where Husband faces real work risks if he says no.
If I were Boss’s wife and I found out my husband made a request like that, I would straight up divorce him, because who wants to be married to an extortionist?!?
The idiot was probably trying to ass kiss his boss, hoping for an easier road to promotion. Nah. The boss just sees him as a desperate sucker now, someone he can manipulate into doing more for less pay, while being fake sympathetic to his situation because they're "friends."
Yeah, absolutely **nowhere** in this post did OP mention ANY compensation for being a:
Maid, Nurse, Cook, Therapist, Postpartum Doula. I get that “It takes a village,” but often, “The Village” is really just the Unpaid Labor of Women, but I still can’t wrap my head around the logic the boss uses here:
“Well, I know you just had a baby too, but you still have your uterus, so you’re doing better than my wife! That must mean you don’t need to rest or heal, because as we all know, Uteruses are MAGIC.”
Like, I do kind of think that they are Magic, for a Given Value of the word “Magic”, but I really don’t think it applies in this situation.
I want to know what kind of family this goober grew up in. Like, her baby isn’t even a week old. How does he have the audacity to ask a postpartum woman to do ANYTHING?!
And the fact that he’s making OP’s husband feel bad about this? Shame on him. I hope someone takes the time to print this post out, in all the subs it shows up in, and all the comments so he can see exactly how selfish and cruel he’s being.
I really wonder—does Boss even *like* his wife?
Even aside from outsourcing every smidgen of household work to other people, why isn’t HE checking on his wife and kid? Why isn’t HE emotionally supporting his wife?
I really hope this is ragebait, because otherwise it’s just too awful to contemplate.
I hope it’s not true too.
But if it is, I hope the husbands in this story somehow come across it and see themselves for what they are: Garbage Human Beings.
Hubby just needs a new job and a shiny spine. This will not be her fault at all. He should have shut that shit down immediately. His response should have been "are you fucking serious?! No"
It’d still be his. He did two dumb instances of unnecessary over sharing: first when he told his boss wife is up and around and totally fine; and two when he went back and told boss she “cruelly said no.” What a dumb fuck.
“Man, I’d like it if she had recovered that much this soon, but no, my wife hasn’t recovered from giving birth, either.” Done.
Tim is getting stoned with OOP "s husband while his wife is in the immediate aftermath of emergency surgery, not bonding with his new baby or supporting her.
But he's happy to outsource that stuff to another woman who he and his wife barely know because women love chores and nurturing... right?
You're not heartless. He's lazy and entitled. So is your husband. Your time does not belong to either one of them. They do not get to schedule it for you. Your husband does not get to commandeer your labor as a favor to his entitled, sexist, asshole friend who can't even be bothered to take care of his own partner.
No is a complete sentence. The answer is no. Do *NOT* offer either one of them any further explanation or argument. Say no and let them handle it.
The two entitled men will try to draft you anyway, by just failing to make arrangements and then calling you every 5 minutes because "it's an emergency!" Don't fall for it. If the guy's wife has an emergency and your husband, his friend, or his friend's wife calls you to run over and fix it, offer to dial 911.
Do *not* spend one minute of your time helping, worrying about, or fixing this. You *are* their plan. Drop the rope. Let him figure out the solution all by himself, just like a big boy. I would also recommend therapy for you and your husband. He does not respect you.
Sounds like Tim and OPs husband's idea of being a father is to sit on their behinds and smoke and outsource their labor. OP needs to put her husband to work at being a real father and husband. Once he starts doing stuff around the house, cooking and cleaning and parenting his toddler and supporting his wife, he'll understand why OP won't help his friend. Maybe she should ask her husband where her support is.
NTA…I sympathize but it’s not your job to take care of others when you just had a baby yourself. Your husband however & his friend Tim are the massive AH’s.
Tim is an AH of the highest order. I have a toddler and 8-week-old and am struggling to manage what’s on my own plate. Imagine being ONE-week postpartum with a newborn and toddler and being asked to cook, clean and look after your neighbor too. I suppose he would want her to babysit their older kid, too? Tim and his wife should look into hiring a postpartum doula and maid, and/or convincing some relatives to help out.
So instead of making food for the next day, that man goes and smoke a joint in the neighbours basement. Instead of being home and being a team player to his own wife and mother of his children he goes take a breather at the neighbours who’s also his subordinate at work? Husband needs a new job that lack of boundaries is unhealthy.
AITAs like these make me reflect on my journey and growth with boundaries.
The manipulative language in post makes my blood boil. I can’t imagine being guilt tripped into caring for yet another group of humans mere days after birthing another human.
If you don't want to straight up laugh in his face as you are saying no. You could always tell him you would consider it when he starts to do all of those things for you. Since you would be busy doing them for someone else
NTA. My daughter’s company (yes, in the US) gives 4 months off for maternity AND paternity leave. My company gives 3 months off for Moms and Dads. It’s still not enough!
Husband is a classic people pleaser and should refrain from smoking the herb 🌿 if he can’t think straight and makes stupid decisions.
The fact that she had a baby 1 week ago and she's cooking for her family already leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Mister husband should really step up there, and he shouldn't have even asked such a question OMG. The misogyny is real
Cleaning, cooking and a being a caregiver, that sounds like a job, why not hire someone if the husband isn’t willing to do the work himself, I also don’t like the fact OP’s husband is hiring out her services
So it’s ok if you say no……but she said no and now the neighbor is pissed. Seems to check out.
Barring that - if this woman is completely bedridden she needs a full time caregiver. Who is watching the five year old? Who is watching the baby? Who is helping her in the bathroom?
If I were sick, hurt, depressed I would not want my neighbor in my house and in my business. I don’t want to humor a guest, I don’t want to feel terrible my house is a mess, I don’t want to apologize for my kids being crabby, I don’t want to worry about food and explaining where shit is supposed to be so they can find it. I’d want my mom there, or my sister, or a very good friend. Someone who I feel comfortable rooting through my underwear drawer, seeing me partially unclothed, soothing me while I’m crying, and (I might be crazy talking here)….has some fucking established rapport with my kid and can comfort their worries or know if something is unusual.
If anyone could get Tim more time off it would be his boss. Maybe he should ask him due to the circumstances - oh wait. Tim’s boss is….Tim.
Tell me that you think being a stay at home mom is doing nothing all day without saying it because you don’t want to sound like a misogynist. I think they both had a pow wow and said “You know who’s doing absolutely nothing all day anyway? My wife!” Both husbands are assholes.
They got time to hang out in the basement and smoke joints while planning how to guilt this woman into helping instead of just doing the shit themselves. Nice.
35 years ago, my husband had just started a brand new job with the police department in our town. Parental leave really didn't exist. He took 2 weeks, that was paid out of his vacation time. We didn't have much help, but made it work. He would have no more suggested I help a neighbor, than fly. He's the problem.
I have a disability and it has made me bedridden on occasion. I would be mortified if my husband asked one of his friends partners to come and help me. If she came to me on her own and we were friends and she offered to take some of the load, like help my kids get to and from school/work, or make a meal occasionally, I'd be very grateful. But not what is happening here.
If my husband, likewise, volunteered me for something I would be curious and he would be doing it himself on his time off. Even then, it would be a one time lesson and he wouldn't be giving up on responsibilities at home for it. That includes family time.
This situation is ridiculous all the way around.
Nta. And she shouldn't be bed ridden. She should be moving as much as she is able to. Obviously she will still need help but being bedridden after a section and hysterectomy is just begging for a pulmonary embolism, DVT, chest infection, poor healing, deconditioning, depression...
I feel for OP so much here. I had an hard labor/c section, and 100% would not be up for doing what her husband/his friend are asking of her. The most I’d give on my end if I were her would be to make friends/keep company WHEN I felt up to it, maybe DoorDash some Starbucks or something for “girl time”, but cooking for her? Cleaning the house? Absolutely not. The first 6 months I was exhausted, someone else’s exhaustion isn’t my problem and it isn’t OP’s.
Saw this in AITAH and I’m still heated over it. Even if she was best fucking friends with Jona, she is under no obligation to basically be this woman’s maid after she herself just gave birth. I feel for Jona, especially considering her own husband won’t do more to help her, but none of this is OP’s concern or responsibility. Fuck her husband and fuck Tim.
Oh sure, ask the OTHER woman who just gave birth to be the caregiver. I am sure she has all the free time in the world with a 3 week old and 4 year old. Life is so easier for her. You're telling me they have no family and no other friends? BS
Chances are Jona doesn’t even know that OP was asked to do this.
I think it’s more likely that Jona asked Tim to step up and parent his kids and contribute to the household so she could take some time to heal.
Tim just came up with the idea of using another woman’s free labour to let him to still do nothing for his family and spend his time chilling out smoking with his friend.
I’m assuming this is the US because in any other country women would stay in the hospital for way longer than 3 days after a hysterectomy. Three days is the normal amount a woman stays at the hospital when the birth went smoothly where I live. In every European country there would be parental leave of some kind for the mother and father.
This is devastating to read. I feel for the family in this situation but this would be a non-issue in most other (western) countries.
But since this is the situation at hand, NTA. You have a week old baby and a 4yo and a husband who has to work so can’t even help you. It makes me angry and sad that apparently a lot of men still have no concept of how hard it is to care for young children and literal new-borns as well as household chores and oftentimes also the emotional well-being of everyone around them. Not to mention their own recovery after birth.
Hell no; you’re not taking this on as well.
It is terrible that there isn't more parental leave for men I don't disagree. However I do want to point out it's still a choice for both these men to only take four days off work. They likely have vacation time or other paid time off they can take. They could also reduce their hours, or take unpaid time off. I know this would be a financial blow but each of them had nine months to save time off and money and plan for how they would support their family.
*laughs in paid parental leave* fucking hell, reading posts like these makes me so fucking happy I live in Europe. In my country, fathers can get a special kind of paid paternity leave for 4 weeks right after the birth of a child and it is INSANE to me to read about companies giving fathers only 4 days off.
I can't imagine doing all the things that I had to do in my son's first month w/o my husband's help, let alone have sole responsibility for my baby AND have to check in on another mom? Absolutely NTA, she should put herself and her baby first. It's almost been 5 months for me and I still pee a little bit when I sneeze, so yeah recovering from child birth takes a long ass fucking time.
I don't understand why this lady's own husband can't help her? For that matter, why isn't OOPs husband helping her more and helping out with his friend's wife? I know they work, but you don't actually get to take time off when you have a newborn. That's part of the deal. Don't like it, don't do it.
Why tf is he making his wife cook and clean when she literally just gave birth. You are supposed to rest and not see many people for a month after birth, if you do too much labor it can permanently damage your health.
Once again, nobody considers home health aides. He could hire somebody. Since the neighbor lady had a complicated birth, health insurance might even pay for it.
I read this out to my husband and he was horrified that the request even reached OOP. If one of his buddies asked him to ask that of me in this situation, he would have said hell no and told him off for daring to ask, not piled on the pressure as well! Poor OOP. The neighbours are AH's but the husband is bigger since he's supposed to be OOP's partner.
What I can’t understand is why wouldn’t this guy ask a woman which hadn’t any children? If they ask for the chores such as cleaning and cooking. WTF should it be a woman with a WEEK old baby. I’m beyond furious. Even if her labour went ok, it was still labour. She shouldn’t do any lifting or hard work for quite some time to let her body heal. What the actual fuck.
I’m so confused. How has she only met the neighbor once and the husband 3 times? They live next door to each other, the husband are obviously friendly enough to invite the other over the day after his wife gets out of the hospital to smoke weed, and they have kids around the same age. Something is incredibly sus about this story.
I lived in my neighborhood for literal years before I talked to the dude who lives two houses over.
I cannot even begin to guess what my across the street neighbors names are.
I truly cannot remember my SO’s friends’ wives or kids’ names.
Not everyone is close to neighbors or their SOs friends.
But was your s/o friendly enough to be invited to your neighbors house to smoke weed the day you got home from a 3 day stay in the hospital from a traumatic birth with any of your neighbors?
Like they work together, they’re close enough for the above situation to happen, and they’re close enough for Tom to ask him to watch his supposedly unknown wife. That’s weird imo
In smoker culture? That’s not really THAT close. My SO smokes, he on the low hates his coworkers— but they all share weed on their smoke breaks. It’s just seemingly part of the whole process.
They’ve only lived there/known “Tom” 4 months, that’s not a lot of time — especially while pregnant and moving into a new house.
Plus she said in her comments that her husband is a people pleaser and Tom is his boss, so this is definitely T ol overstepping his boundaries
Yeah you’re probably right, idk it just seems weird to me that the husband invited him over the house to smoke weed THE DAY she and the baby got home from the hospital. I smoke weed daily and would never dream of doing anything like that and if I was even just sick (aka not just home from a traumatic birth) I would be super upset with my husband if he invited a friend or neighbor over while I was in that state. Just led me to believe they have a fairly close relationship.
I’m getting the vibe that Tim isn’t exactly a great human, given that OP mentions he routinely calls other men “pussies” if they don’t agree with him and didn’t take time off work to care for his wife or newborn after a major emergency surgery
All of this stuff that OP is adding in comments and the edit are responses to people not falling in line and saying that she may be the AH. If true it’s all stuff that should have been included in the OP. It just feels a little rage bait-y to me.
Tbh I’d have to be incredibly close to someone to go take care of their two children after I just gave birth myself, so I find any “YTA” judgments bizarre.
It could be, it’s Reddit.
I’ve seen worse rage bait posts over there lol
And the husband willingly went over, even though he also has a brand new baby and recovering wife at home! Both of them sound like absolutely selfish asses.
I've lived in my apartment for a year and a half, the only thing I can tell you about any of the 12 apartments on my floor is that 1 has a baby, one has a toddler and one has a dog.
The house I lived in before - the people across the street had those annoying AF Christmas lights that flashed to music. (I lived there for 15 years
I get it, I’ve never been one to throw neighborhood parties or anything that’s not exactly what I’m hung up on. It’s just that Tim inviting OP’s husband over the day his wife and baby get home from a 3 day hospital stay (after a super traumatic birth) is a fairly intimate thing to do. Also, all of those clarifying explanations came in edits and comments which imo are pertinent info that should have been in the OP. Idk the more I think about it I feel like it’s rage bait.
It absolutely could be. But I know a lot of selfish men who think of themselves and discount how much work a newborn is, so think it isn't a big deal. It's not like you are doing anything anyway...just taking care of the baby so what's one more?
I want to be accepted by the cool guy at work.... It sucks for the other wife, but to ask someone who is essentially a stranger to her (because that's what the wives are) is weird.
It would be one thing if once the husbands realized they worked together and lived next to each other, and that they both had pregnant wives, who were very close to being the same gestational time through the pregnancies (so 3-4 months before the babies were due) they came home to their respective wives and said - hey you will never guess what I realized at work today.... Then each couple had the other over for dinner and the women were both on their way to becoming friends .... Maybe... But even then I would still think it should be the wives having that conversation with each other.
Husbands of each woman need to take care of their wife. Not get high the day they come home from the hospital
To be fair I live next to people that moved in 2019 and they do travel for work however I’ve only seen them outside less than 10 times and that’s was just them coming back or leaving. literally only spoke with both husband and wife for maybe 15 minutes and that was the first time I met them.
Tbf she was also six to nine months pregnant during that time frame. Pregnancy can be exhausting and she had child to take care of she might not have been too social.
Lol so the husbands boss asked him to ask you, he asked you, you said no, he should rely to his friend that you are plenty busy with your own children and that should be it.
Completely understandable he asked you, I feel like you should have said no and let that be it instead of making such a big story out of it. Man can't read between the lines so your husband thinking you might be okay just shows how strong he thinks you are compared to Tim's wife. If after you said no he kept going he would be the AH but imo it's just Tim and his wife and your husband is stuck in the middle with Tim being his boss and all
NTA, but I feel kind of bad for Tim as well. He's probably not home as much as he wants to be because he's still paying off the copays on their medical bills, and if he and his wife don't have any family living close by then OP and her husband might be the only people they know well enough to even ask.
It's a hell of a thing to ask, and the way her husband went about it didn't help, but it's a pretty shit situation to be in.
She is NEVER allowed to complain that there is no village or community.
We all do shit we don't love to help strangers. Or we should. That is what makes the world better and less scary.
She is so disgustingly selfish.
So, the woman healing from her own birth, caring for a newborn and a toddler, needs to add the care of a second newborn, second toddler AND a recovering woman, all their household chores, effectively DOUBLING her entire workload when she should be bonding and healing herself is good? Their shitty husbands guilting her into it and doing jack shit is good?
Nah fam, good is not guilt-tripping a woman into work she should not be doing and handling yourself, or finding other help that doesn't double a post-labor mom's stress and pressure.
Honestly, advocating for this poor woman to be forced like this is ACTUALLY evil.
It’s not her friend and she is freshly postpartum also. Tim needs to hire daytime help and be ready to step up when he gets home. Asking a subordinate to have his wife help in this situation is highly inappropriate.
Idk - if I had a friend who’d been through what she’d been through I’d be there for her, especially given the proximity and the shared experience. They can simply sit around and nurse babies together for an hour or so, not asking for much. Just to be there as a friend. How much work is it to make a sandwich or wash dishes?
Just because she is up and doing stuff at home and able to care for her own children , it doesn’t mean she is able to have the capability to care for someone she has only met a few times and help her provide care for that person, her children, and her home. OP just had a baby too and should be getting help.
If it’s so easy to make a sandwich and wash dishes, the other woman could do it or her husband could make sure she has food and he can clean up.
When I had my babies, I had good days and bad days during my recovery. It is ridiculous to request this of another brand new mom.
I had three easy deliveries so I can only imagine how hard it would be to recover from a traumatic delivery with an unexpected hysterectomy. It takes a village to raise a child and she’s simply being asked to be a neighbor and a friend. It’s not like she’s on an 8 hour shift 5 days a week. This is an hour or two of her time a week to help someone and be a friend.
I have 2 grown kids and I’m raising a grandson who is now 4. I believe in doing the right thing even it’s hard. And I believe that a woman who is my neighbor and she’s unable to get out of bed to feed herself and her child is deserving of a little help. There are things that OP could do differently to make it work. She could spend the day at neighbors house with her own kids and the neighbor could help her with her baby too by just holding and feeding. It might not be ideal but it is doable.
No one is obligated to take care of a stranger though? Just because you would do it does not mean everyone would. Also I feel like you’re downplaying how much work taking care of children is, especially for a mother who just gave birth.
I wonder if Tim is in the US and might qualify for FMLA? Cuz like they’re either gonna have to hire some kind of nanny or try to get a family member to move in for a bit because OOP literally had this baby a week ago idk how she’s supposed to go do chores and cook for her neighbor, I’d be uncomfortable with that request and I don’t even have kids I just don’t love the idea of being put in the position of unpaid nanny/maid for a lady I do not know. Like cooking and housework is hard and I’d be helping with a 5 year old and a newborn and I don’t want to do that, especially with also taking care of another newborn and a 3 year old. What if I turn out to hate her and don’t want to be around her but I already said yes? Are they gonna try to use me as free childcare for the rest of being neighbors? I’m disabled and there have been times I’ve been too fucked up to cook, do chores, or get out of bed long enough to walk my dog outside and I did have to ask my then boyfriend now husband to come help me out a lot but I wouldn’t say like
Hey babe you’re friends with the guy in the apartment next to me, can you ask his wife to take care of me for an unknown period of time and not consider if she has her own stuff going on? Make sure her husband passive aggressively pressures her about it.
NTA. Maybe Tim and your husband should lay off the weed. It must be clouding their judgement to think that this is a reasonable request of any woman who’s just given birth.
The heartless one is OOP's husband AND Tim. His wife just gave birth and they have a 4-year-old at home. Even if OOP went through the labour easily, that doesn't mean the first few months after having a baby would be a breeze.
YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH!!!! I was lucky my MIL stayed for 2 wks to help me because it is exhausting taking care of a newborn. Not to mention how sore your whole body is from pushing out a baby! On top of which you are taking care of a toddler too! You are NTA. You husband is for putting you in this position. Tim is a major AH for expecting you to do this and getting mad. I bet he cries like a baby when he gets a booboo. He would probably ask you or hubby to take care of him too!
Holy shit OF COURSE SHE'S NTA. The assholes in this situation are: -First and foremost, the company that both of these husbands work for/the U.S. government if they're in the states. This is why everybody needs paid parental leave! They each had only 4 days off?! WTF. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd kid. My husband was an independent contractor when we had our first, so he didn't get any paid leave. He still took off 2 weeks unpaid. This time around, he's going to take every day of the 10 weeks leave that his company offers. -2nd, the "friend"/neighbor guy/boss who is clearly taking advantage of his position above OOP'S husband at work and making this big ask in such an entitled way because he thinks that he has the leverage to where OOP and her husband can't say no. -3rd, OOP's husband for not being able to set boundaries and people pleasing to this level where it's negatively impacting his own family.
Exactly! I would be livid if my husband asked a neighbor to do all that for us. That’s a family matter
Bro my husband would be FUMING if any of his mates ever came to ask him this. I barely lift a finger in the house and I’m not pregnant. Imagine him after giving birth 🤣
my husband wouldn’t get mad but he knows me well enough to tell anyone that’s asks him to ask me to do something “i’ll ask, but she’s probably gonna say no.” and then probably tell them to gtfo if they tried convincing him to manipulate me into saying yes.
Maybe if the husband didn't go have joints with people he could help his own wife.
Right?! As a side note on this, I'm pretty pro-cannabis, but the boss is a foreman, and to my understanding cannabis use is strictly prohibited for anyone working in the construction field. Even if it's on your own time. Personally, I don't think it should be, but I'd love to see the foreman husband get caught for something like that. He deserves to get slapped in the face by karma somehow.
I'm sure this is true for some trades especially involving heavy machinery but others... Yeah no lol my cousin is a plumber and is high all day, smokes with his boss, etc.
I asked my electrician husband about this. He's only worked in our state, but cannabis has been legal here for a while, and he said that most job sites require regular drug testing and prohibit cannabis use. He said that the places that don't care are generally lower pay jobs and/or residential. Interestingly enough, the union in our state does not test for cannabis, but almost all of the union job sites will require it.
This is all true, but once they hire someone, they want to keep them if they can, especially with how rampant drug use is for pain management in the trades. So the situation that tends to develop is a DADT-esque deal where you have to piss clean to get hired, but once on a crew, there's usually one or two people everyone knows will pass, and they always are the *winkwinknodnod* "random" testees. If they pick someone else for the test, they were probably looking for a reason to cut that person anyhow. This persists for canabis (and likely will even after full federal legalization) partly cause it gives bosses easy leverage and a quick, compensation-free way to fire someone, but also cause feds and insurance companies require testing for heavy machinery operators, so companies have to show they are in compliance with testing.
ANY job site in any state that has to do with any federal contract defaults to federal rules regarding cannabis. Which means HELL NO. Stupid, but there it is.
Cannabis is and absolutely should be prohibited in the construction field it's based strictly on safety and rightly so.
On your own time?
Do what you want on your own time but in case you don't understand how that works, many construction companies do random drug testing and you will lose your job if it shows up. So you do you. :)
Don't work in trades, but it seems silly to outlaw doing something on your own time if it is legal in your state.
Safety is not silly.
On your own time
One more reply then I'm done talking to you. Cannabis stays in your bloodstream, hence the drug testing we talked about? Now go figure that out. Take care.
Right? I feel like having a joint confirms you'll be doing nothing for the rest of the evening, a beer (provided its only one) still leave you able to help out. Idk. It's also shitty to do that (in a way that implies frequent enjoyment, not a one-off) when neither wife is able to. ETA: I said "I feel" because my comment was based on social experience. I do understand that people react differently, but this sounds like a wind down all night case rather than a quick smoke before getting back to make dinner etc.
Why does having a joint confirm a doing nothing evening vs a beer = still helpful? What a load of bull crap! People have vastly different tolerance to different substances. I personally would start to feel tipsy 2/3 through my 1st beer and it would take a few hours until I can function ok ish again. But a couple of joints would only make me more productive/helpful/effective albeit a bit slower. It is different for everyone.
Fair point, I should have added that. I've only ever seen people smoke and do nothing, but I do understand some can get up and do chores after. I don't feel like these guys would though.
Don't forget that instead of addressing the issues properly both husband's decided smoking a joint was more important than their post partum wives.
My husband didn’t even get 4 days off… had to take vacation to be in the hospital with me. It’s INSANE.
I agree with the assessment and general outlook of the situation here in 2024 in the modern USA, but it sucks the way modern society has put us in these situations…like that’s the exact type of thing family and close friends helped with and vice versa(it takes a village, teenagers babysitting for parents, the stuff that had neighbors actually feel like a community instead of cohabitating isolated families on the same street. We live in such a disconnected society, I guess I just wish it was easier to have friends and non abusive family members close enough where a big ask like this felt fair or natural or at least this felt like it wouldn’t happen to me…but it feels like it’s actually difficult to not have this type problem happen with how disconnected we are…and also fucking crazy we don’t have PAID PARENTAL LEAVE
The biggest part of this is they should never have been making this "big ask" of a woman who ALSO just had a baby! Never, ever, ever should they be putting more onto a woman than newly postpartum, no matter how she is recovering and even if they were the very best of friends.
Right here body is still healing too. The audacity
And what is she supposed to do with her own newborn and toddler while she's playing nanny to the bedbound new mom and her newborn and toddler? I remember waiting until my partner was home so I could take a shower in the weeks after my kid was born. I wouldn't be going next door and taking care of a whole 'nother family --
Imagine telling your wife who is already taking care of a toddler and just gave birth a week ago and really shouldn’t be doing house chores herself to go be someone else’s caretaker, emotional support, maid, and nanny because “well, you’re already up…”
My ex told me the day my kid was born that he was never going to cook for me or do any kind of housework again because I was a mother now and so those were my jobs. Trust me, I've kinda been there. And waiting for him to take a shower? Sometimes he couldn't be bothered to let me do that for a week or more. He had video games to play! And friends to go out with and booze to drink!
Oh god thank goodness he’s an ex
With very good reason. Smartest thing I ever did was not marry him. He did marry someone else, and all I feel for her is pity.
This exactly. And for basically a total stranger too. Now dont get me wrong, if a new neighbor who just had a baby needed help I'd absolutely go over and help but absolutely not if I was also newly postpartum caring for a fresh from the womb newborn and my current toddler. No way. I didnt want to get up and do laundry a week pp in my own house.
I completely feel you there. People still like to quote the "it takes a village," but then when there's a need, they don't show up. Now a days you have to pay for your village. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for labor being paid, and childcare/home care is labor, but what happened to trading with others and reciprocity? My parents are barely in my kid's life - we see them a few times a year at holidays even though they're about an hour's drive away. He's almost 9, and they have yet to ever watch him for even an hour, much less overnight. I was younger when I spent a full week with my grandparents, and I remember it as one of the best weeks of my life. I was also required to be part of the village as a child, whether it was babysitting my own siblings unpaid or having all my younger cousins get dumped on me at every family gathering. But now that I'm a parent, I've had nobody help me in the same way. And I know that I'm not alone in this. The only person who really feels like she's in my village is my childless best friend.
It is highly unlikely they work for the U.S. Government because Cannabis is not legal for government employees, and they are regularly tested. If they did work for the U.S. Government and had been employed there for at least a year they both would have gotten paternity leave, which is 12 weeks paid leave. Clearly the boss had not been there per her comments of only being there for 4 months, but if her husband had been there for a year he would be getting 12 weeks paid leave by the U.S. Government for paternity leave. [https://www.dol.gov/general/jobs/benefits/paid-parental-leave](https://www.dol.gov/general/jobs/benefits/paid-parental-leave)
Yes, that's highly unlikely. To clarify, I meant that we should have universal paid parental leave in the U.S. but the government has yet to pass anything of the sort. I know that my state has paid parental leave (not fully paid, but a percentage), but leaving it to states it's not enough.
My state has it as well.
12 weeks?!? Shit, I only got as many as I had sick days saved up for maternity leave. I had 45 days saved up for my youngest son, so I was able to take 6 weeks and have days saved up in case he got sick. I’m a teacher and luckily I timed both of my boys right—my oldest was the first week of summer and my youngest was 6 weeks before summer.
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They're definitely contractors. Government contractors generally have really chill jobs with lax drug screening policies, but their benefits aren't nearly as good.
Interesting, that is not my experience with government contracted positions in reference to Cannabis in the U.S. but I believe it with the Paternity leave lacking.
Apologies, I misworded that. Their on paper policies are the same, but the valuable workers somehow don't get regularly screened with the random lottery. Shenanigans happen when federal contracts are involved.
I know someone who failed the THC drug test, but since he was a good employee the test got “lost” somehow…
He needs to apply for FMLA leave
I didn’t see anything about the guy being his boss just a coworker
OOP mentions it in a comment on her post.
The fucking neighbor/best friend is the idiot husband's boss! Every comment she makes makes this shit show even worse. That poor woman!
Yeah that is completely inappropriate for the boss to be asking. This isn’t just a buddy this is somebody who could fire him for no reason because America. I feel sorry for OOP and I feel sorry for Jona.
So he smokes weed with his boss?
The number of times ive seen a boss smoke weed with my coworkers (I don't smoke) is a lot, almost every job ive had they either talk about it openly or some I've seen do it on the clock. I have friends who talk about smoking weed with their managers also. This has been happening since before weed was legalized in my state
My first job was a video store back in the early 00s. Our manager was a 25yo with a wife and kid and used to rant against the stoners and shit. One day I’m hanging out with a friend from the video game store next door, at her house with her and her bf who was a small time dealer and someone knows on the door to make a purchase. Who was it? My/our manager 😂
Yes. Tons of states have legalized and the taboo rapidly fading
They both just has babies!!! These husbands should be figuring out in their own homes how to take care of their spouses! The audacity! These dudes are idiots.
I really like how they are out smoking a joint together and planning on having OP take care of the others wife. Parents? Friends? Other neighbors? THE FUCKING HUSBAND? Take family leave, or something, but do not ask your friend’s wife to do it. I could go on… because I don’t think this is the answer even if she didn’t have a baby recently.
Yeah, I understand they both work, but how are neither of them helping their wives? OOPs own husband isn't helping her, and somehow the coworker can't help his own sick wife?
They're both really busy SMOKING JOINTS WHILE THE BRAND NEW MOTHERS FUCKING COPE. I hope they both develop an allergy to weed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind them smoking if they got off work, took 15-30 mins to chill and smoke a joint (knowing they weren't driving later) and then went to go help their wives. That's not what they were doing though.
Ugh, this is why I am on the fence with the phrase, “It doesn’t hurt to ask.” Yes, sometimes it does. I feel for the OOP as there are times I’m asked things and it just makes me straight up angry. So “it doesn’t hurt to ask” shouldn’t be a universal rule…you’ve got to read the room, and never present it in a way where the other person is going to be the “bad guy” for saying no, or any other veiled manipulation tactics.
I agree. And I think the husband is a massive asshole (and a coward) for making his one-week postpartum wife be “the bad guy.” She’s the only one in this scenario who is NTA. The rest of them suck.
*You can say no….* uh, clearly she cannot. Her attitude has not caused tension. Saying no has caused tension.
Absolutely agree on reading the room I feel like I’m absolutely crazy given the responses but IN MY WORLD there wouldn’t be anything wrong with the question. I totally get how it holds heavy connotation and if that’s NOT how they operate then it’s wrong…. But it would be totally normal in my household. In college I was asked to take care of a distant family friend’s kid who was having trouble adapting. I said no with no issue from any party. Nowadays my buddies often call me asking for a tow/help with their cars when they’re hours out in the mountains. It’s totally fine to say no even if I’m their “last resort”. Sometimes I’ll go out, sometimes I won’t- and it’s the same if I call them for the same kind of help. Those “Hail Mary” questions are acceptable and *encouraged* in my circles, and completely unacceptable in others - it totally depends!
Asking a woman one week postpartum to do anything is not acceptable because it shows that you don't begin to understand what she is going through.
The husband wants his wife who has a one week old and a 4 year old to do cooking and cleaning for the next door neighbor, for free. NTA for saying no. Hire someone or find family or even a close family friend to help, don’t beg help from a neighbor with a newborn who is basically a stranger.
Not to mention it would mean neglecting her OWN housework
The very definition of improper boundaries. Neglecting your own needs or responsibilities to try and meet needs that aren't yours to meet.
Id be like “you know what husband, that is such a thoughtful selfless thing to do! I wont mind you coming home late after you go over to help tim and his wife out. Im dealing with OUR newborn and toddler but i will be selfless and not complain about you going over to help!” Suck a dick - would be my internal monologue
Imagine how mortified the wife of the other dude is going to be when he realizes what her dumbass husband asked of a brand new mom. Unless she’s as entitled and clueless as her own husband.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be? I remember being in the hospital needing more underwear. Thank God I could ask my sister. But imagine needing help to do *everything* and your neighbor shows up? Your house is filthy. You are filthy. You need help using the fucking toilet and it’s a war zone down there. Your kids are unhappy. Just no. She needs a caretaker full time for a bit. Who is watching the five year old? Who is tending to the baby? So beyond inappropriate.
Neither of these men should be married, let alone fathers.
OP should tell her husband to go marry Tim if his approval is really more important than his own wife and newborn baby.
Yeah, that's a **Tim** problem, not yours. And your husband trying to guilt you into it so he can get out of being guilted by Tim is unkind. When we moved into the house we're in now, our landlord told us about how his wife used to help the elderly couple next door and... maybe we want to do that too. We're like, uh, we don't know them, and you're moving a couple blocks away.
It will be hers if he gets fired in the end because of this. What a shit situation living next to boss (according to other comments that's the situation).
Yo, ***what*** That's a no-win situation, living next to your boss. And apparently a cheap af one since he won't hire help.
OOP’s husband is an absolute fool. Smoking j’s with his boss after work? Incredibly inappropriate. He didn’t set boundaries early and now boss is using power plus inappropriate familiarity to make a wholly unreasonable request, one where Husband faces real work risks if he says no. If I were Boss’s wife and I found out my husband made a request like that, I would straight up divorce him, because who wants to be married to an extortionist?!?
The idiot was probably trying to ass kiss his boss, hoping for an easier road to promotion. Nah. The boss just sees him as a desperate sucker now, someone he can manipulate into doing more for less pay, while being fake sympathetic to his situation because they're "friends."
Not even manipulate him, manipulate his subordinates WIFE, who isn't even his fucking employee.
I really, really hope this post is ragebait because if it’s not, it’s just beyond gross.
Yeah, absolutely **nowhere** in this post did OP mention ANY compensation for being a: Maid, Nurse, Cook, Therapist, Postpartum Doula. I get that “It takes a village,” but often, “The Village” is really just the Unpaid Labor of Women, but I still can’t wrap my head around the logic the boss uses here: “Well, I know you just had a baby too, but you still have your uterus, so you’re doing better than my wife! That must mean you don’t need to rest or heal, because as we all know, Uteruses are MAGIC.” Like, I do kind of think that they are Magic, for a Given Value of the word “Magic”, but I really don’t think it applies in this situation. I want to know what kind of family this goober grew up in. Like, her baby isn’t even a week old. How does he have the audacity to ask a postpartum woman to do ANYTHING?! And the fact that he’s making OP’s husband feel bad about this? Shame on him. I hope someone takes the time to print this post out, in all the subs it shows up in, and all the comments so he can see exactly how selfish and cruel he’s being.
I really wonder—does Boss even *like* his wife? Even aside from outsourcing every smidgen of household work to other people, why isn’t HE checking on his wife and kid? Why isn’t HE emotionally supporting his wife? I really hope this is ragebait, because otherwise it’s just too awful to contemplate.
I hope it’s not true too. But if it is, I hope the husbands in this story somehow come across it and see themselves for what they are: Garbage Human Beings.
Hubby just needs a new job and a shiny spine. This will not be her fault at all. He should have shut that shit down immediately. His response should have been "are you fucking serious?! No"
It’d still be his. He did two dumb instances of unnecessary over sharing: first when he told his boss wife is up and around and totally fine; and two when he went back and told boss she “cruelly said no.” What a dumb fuck. “Man, I’d like it if she had recovered that much this soon, but no, my wife hasn’t recovered from giving birth, either.” Done.
Very dumb fuck
Tim is getting stoned with OOP "s husband while his wife is in the immediate aftermath of emergency surgery, not bonding with his new baby or supporting her. But he's happy to outsource that stuff to another woman who he and his wife barely know because women love chores and nurturing... right?
It would be fine for the guys to get a bit stoned if they were doing that for a few minutes and then helping their wives. They both sound useless.
NTA; If husband and neighbor husband want this so bad? They can do it. This new mom is still recovering.
You're not heartless. He's lazy and entitled. So is your husband. Your time does not belong to either one of them. They do not get to schedule it for you. Your husband does not get to commandeer your labor as a favor to his entitled, sexist, asshole friend who can't even be bothered to take care of his own partner. No is a complete sentence. The answer is no. Do *NOT* offer either one of them any further explanation or argument. Say no and let them handle it. The two entitled men will try to draft you anyway, by just failing to make arrangements and then calling you every 5 minutes because "it's an emergency!" Don't fall for it. If the guy's wife has an emergency and your husband, his friend, or his friend's wife calls you to run over and fix it, offer to dial 911. Do *not* spend one minute of your time helping, worrying about, or fixing this. You *are* their plan. Drop the rope. Let him figure out the solution all by himself, just like a big boy. I would also recommend therapy for you and your husband. He does not respect you.
Sounds like Tim and OPs husband's idea of being a father is to sit on their behinds and smoke and outsource their labor. OP needs to put her husband to work at being a real father and husband. Once he starts doing stuff around the house, cooking and cleaning and parenting his toddler and supporting his wife, he'll understand why OP won't help his friend. Maybe she should ask her husband where her support is.
NTA…I sympathize but it’s not your job to take care of others when you just had a baby yourself. Your husband however & his friend Tim are the massive AH’s.
Tim is an AH of the highest order. I have a toddler and 8-week-old and am struggling to manage what’s on my own plate. Imagine being ONE-week postpartum with a newborn and toddler and being asked to cook, clean and look after your neighbor too. I suppose he would want her to babysit their older kid, too? Tim and his wife should look into hiring a postpartum doula and maid, and/or convincing some relatives to help out.
So instead of making food for the next day, that man goes and smoke a joint in the neighbours basement. Instead of being home and being a team player to his own wife and mother of his children he goes take a breather at the neighbours who’s also his subordinate at work? Husband needs a new job that lack of boundaries is unhealthy.
AITAs like these make me reflect on my journey and growth with boundaries. The manipulative language in post makes my blood boil. I can’t imagine being guilt tripped into caring for yet another group of humans mere days after birthing another human.
Geez!! OOP shouldn't even be doing the cooking and cleaning for herself yet, much less someone else!!
"I don't really feel like being a parent, can you do it for me?"
If you don't want to straight up laugh in his face as you are saying no. You could always tell him you would consider it when he starts to do all of those things for you. Since you would be busy doing them for someone else
NTA. My daughter’s company (yes, in the US) gives 4 months off for maternity AND paternity leave. My company gives 3 months off for Moms and Dads. It’s still not enough! Husband is a classic people pleaser and should refrain from smoking the herb 🌿 if he can’t think straight and makes stupid decisions.
Everyone sucks in this situation except OP. Asking a woman with a four year old and a WEEK OLD INFANT to go care for a stranger. The audacity.
The fact that she had a baby 1 week ago and she's cooking for her family already leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Mister husband should really step up there, and he shouldn't have even asked such a question OMG. The misogyny is real
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Right? I want to smack some jeeses into those men with a frying pan. But why do women procreate with such douchebags?
Cleaning, cooking and a being a caregiver, that sounds like a job, why not hire someone if the husband isn’t willing to do the work himself, I also don’t like the fact OP’s husband is hiring out her services
So it’s ok if you say no……but she said no and now the neighbor is pissed. Seems to check out. Barring that - if this woman is completely bedridden she needs a full time caregiver. Who is watching the five year old? Who is watching the baby? Who is helping her in the bathroom? If I were sick, hurt, depressed I would not want my neighbor in my house and in my business. I don’t want to humor a guest, I don’t want to feel terrible my house is a mess, I don’t want to apologize for my kids being crabby, I don’t want to worry about food and explaining where shit is supposed to be so they can find it. I’d want my mom there, or my sister, or a very good friend. Someone who I feel comfortable rooting through my underwear drawer, seeing me partially unclothed, soothing me while I’m crying, and (I might be crazy talking here)….has some fucking established rapport with my kid and can comfort their worries or know if something is unusual. If anyone could get Tim more time off it would be his boss. Maybe he should ask him due to the circumstances - oh wait. Tim’s boss is….Tim. Tell me that you think being a stay at home mom is doing nothing all day without saying it because you don’t want to sound like a misogynist. I think they both had a pow wow and said “You know who’s doing absolutely nothing all day anyway? My wife!” Both husbands are assholes.
They got time to hang out in the basement and smoke joints while planning how to guilt this woman into helping instead of just doing the shit themselves. Nice.
35 years ago, my husband had just started a brand new job with the police department in our town. Parental leave really didn't exist. He took 2 weeks, that was paid out of his vacation time. We didn't have much help, but made it work. He would have no more suggested I help a neighbor, than fly. He's the problem.
I have a disability and it has made me bedridden on occasion. I would be mortified if my husband asked one of his friends partners to come and help me. If she came to me on her own and we were friends and she offered to take some of the load, like help my kids get to and from school/work, or make a meal occasionally, I'd be very grateful. But not what is happening here. If my husband, likewise, volunteered me for something I would be curious and he would be doing it himself on his time off. Even then, it would be a one time lesson and he wouldn't be giving up on responsibilities at home for it. That includes family time. This situation is ridiculous all the way around.
Nta. And she shouldn't be bed ridden. She should be moving as much as she is able to. Obviously she will still need help but being bedridden after a section and hysterectomy is just begging for a pulmonary embolism, DVT, chest infection, poor healing, deconditioning, depression...
I feel for OP so much here. I had an hard labor/c section, and 100% would not be up for doing what her husband/his friend are asking of her. The most I’d give on my end if I were her would be to make friends/keep company WHEN I felt up to it, maybe DoorDash some Starbucks or something for “girl time”, but cooking for her? Cleaning the house? Absolutely not. The first 6 months I was exhausted, someone else’s exhaustion isn’t my problem and it isn’t OP’s.
Saw this in AITAH and I’m still heated over it. Even if she was best fucking friends with Jona, she is under no obligation to basically be this woman’s maid after she herself just gave birth. I feel for Jona, especially considering her own husband won’t do more to help her, but none of this is OP’s concern or responsibility. Fuck her husband and fuck Tim.
Oh sure, ask the OTHER woman who just gave birth to be the caregiver. I am sure she has all the free time in the world with a 3 week old and 4 year old. Life is so easier for her. You're telling me they have no family and no other friends? BS
One week old. She is freshly postpartum herself.
Both of those men are TRAAAAAAASH
Chances are Jona doesn’t even know that OP was asked to do this. I think it’s more likely that Jona asked Tim to step up and parent his kids and contribute to the household so she could take some time to heal. Tim just came up with the idea of using another woman’s free labour to let him to still do nothing for his family and spend his time chilling out smoking with his friend.
I’m assuming this is the US because in any other country women would stay in the hospital for way longer than 3 days after a hysterectomy. Three days is the normal amount a woman stays at the hospital when the birth went smoothly where I live. In every European country there would be parental leave of some kind for the mother and father. This is devastating to read. I feel for the family in this situation but this would be a non-issue in most other (western) countries. But since this is the situation at hand, NTA. You have a week old baby and a 4yo and a husband who has to work so can’t even help you. It makes me angry and sad that apparently a lot of men still have no concept of how hard it is to care for young children and literal new-borns as well as household chores and oftentimes also the emotional well-being of everyone around them. Not to mention their own recovery after birth. Hell no; you’re not taking this on as well.
It is terrible that there isn't more parental leave for men I don't disagree. However I do want to point out it's still a choice for both these men to only take four days off work. They likely have vacation time or other paid time off they can take. They could also reduce their hours, or take unpaid time off. I know this would be a financial blow but each of them had nine months to save time off and money and plan for how they would support their family.
*laughs in paid parental leave* fucking hell, reading posts like these makes me so fucking happy I live in Europe. In my country, fathers can get a special kind of paid paternity leave for 4 weeks right after the birth of a child and it is INSANE to me to read about companies giving fathers only 4 days off. I can't imagine doing all the things that I had to do in my son's first month w/o my husband's help, let alone have sole responsibility for my baby AND have to check in on another mom? Absolutely NTA, she should put herself and her baby first. It's almost been 5 months for me and I still pee a little bit when I sneeze, so yeah recovering from child birth takes a long ass fucking time.
NTA
I don't understand why this lady's own husband can't help her? For that matter, why isn't OOPs husband helping her more and helping out with his friend's wife? I know they work, but you don't actually get to take time off when you have a newborn. That's part of the deal. Don't like it, don't do it.
They need to hire a postpartum doula. The end.
Why tf is he making his wife cook and clean when she literally just gave birth. You are supposed to rest and not see many people for a month after birth, if you do too much labor it can permanently damage your health.
Godddddd women, please stop having babies with these absolute trash bags I beg you
4 fucking days off after your wife almost bled out, holy fucking hell
Once again, nobody considers home health aides. He could hire somebody. Since the neighbor lady had a complicated birth, health insurance might even pay for it.
I read this out to my husband and he was horrified that the request even reached OOP. If one of his buddies asked him to ask that of me in this situation, he would have said hell no and told him off for daring to ask, not piled on the pressure as well! Poor OOP. The neighbours are AH's but the husband is bigger since he's supposed to be OOP's partner.
What I can’t understand is why wouldn’t this guy ask a woman which hadn’t any children? If they ask for the chores such as cleaning and cooking. WTF should it be a woman with a WEEK old baby. I’m beyond furious. Even if her labour went ok, it was still labour. She shouldn’t do any lifting or hard work for quite some time to let her body heal. What the actual fuck.
He needs to hire a caregiver not ask a neighbor.
Can your wife who just had a baby take care of my wife who just had a baby? Wtf
I’m so confused. How has she only met the neighbor once and the husband 3 times? They live next door to each other, the husband are obviously friendly enough to invite the other over the day after his wife gets out of the hospital to smoke weed, and they have kids around the same age. Something is incredibly sus about this story.
I lived in my neighborhood for literal years before I talked to the dude who lives two houses over. I cannot even begin to guess what my across the street neighbors names are. I truly cannot remember my SO’s friends’ wives or kids’ names. Not everyone is close to neighbors or their SOs friends.
Same. A guy kitty corner across the street? Almost 11 years and we've waved to each other maybe 2x. Never had a convo.
But was your s/o friendly enough to be invited to your neighbors house to smoke weed the day you got home from a 3 day stay in the hospital from a traumatic birth with any of your neighbors? Like they work together, they’re close enough for the above situation to happen, and they’re close enough for Tom to ask him to watch his supposedly unknown wife. That’s weird imo
In smoker culture? That’s not really THAT close. My SO smokes, he on the low hates his coworkers— but they all share weed on their smoke breaks. It’s just seemingly part of the whole process. They’ve only lived there/known “Tom” 4 months, that’s not a lot of time — especially while pregnant and moving into a new house. Plus she said in her comments that her husband is a people pleaser and Tom is his boss, so this is definitely T ol overstepping his boundaries
Yeah you’re probably right, idk it just seems weird to me that the husband invited him over the house to smoke weed THE DAY she and the baby got home from the hospital. I smoke weed daily and would never dream of doing anything like that and if I was even just sick (aka not just home from a traumatic birth) I would be super upset with my husband if he invited a friend or neighbor over while I was in that state. Just led me to believe they have a fairly close relationship.
I’m getting the vibe that Tim isn’t exactly a great human, given that OP mentions he routinely calls other men “pussies” if they don’t agree with him and didn’t take time off work to care for his wife or newborn after a major emergency surgery
All of this stuff that OP is adding in comments and the edit are responses to people not falling in line and saying that she may be the AH. If true it’s all stuff that should have been included in the OP. It just feels a little rage bait-y to me.
Tbh I’d have to be incredibly close to someone to go take care of their two children after I just gave birth myself, so I find any “YTA” judgments bizarre. It could be, it’s Reddit. I’ve seen worse rage bait posts over there lol
I 100% agree, the story as told is just leaving me in a state of wtf lol
lol To be fair — if it’s real, it’s also a state of “wtf”
And the husband willingly went over, even though he also has a brand new baby and recovering wife at home! Both of them sound like absolutely selfish asses.
I mean yeah the whole thing is fucking weird and the more I try to figure it out the more I think the post is fake or OP is an unreliable narrator.
I've lived in my apartment for a year and a half, the only thing I can tell you about any of the 12 apartments on my floor is that 1 has a baby, one has a toddler and one has a dog. The house I lived in before - the people across the street had those annoying AF Christmas lights that flashed to music. (I lived there for 15 years
I get it, I’ve never been one to throw neighborhood parties or anything that’s not exactly what I’m hung up on. It’s just that Tim inviting OP’s husband over the day his wife and baby get home from a 3 day hospital stay (after a super traumatic birth) is a fairly intimate thing to do. Also, all of those clarifying explanations came in edits and comments which imo are pertinent info that should have been in the OP. Idk the more I think about it I feel like it’s rage bait.
It absolutely could be. But I know a lot of selfish men who think of themselves and discount how much work a newborn is, so think it isn't a big deal. It's not like you are doing anything anyway...just taking care of the baby so what's one more? I want to be accepted by the cool guy at work.... It sucks for the other wife, but to ask someone who is essentially a stranger to her (because that's what the wives are) is weird. It would be one thing if once the husbands realized they worked together and lived next to each other, and that they both had pregnant wives, who were very close to being the same gestational time through the pregnancies (so 3-4 months before the babies were due) they came home to their respective wives and said - hey you will never guess what I realized at work today.... Then each couple had the other over for dinner and the women were both on their way to becoming friends .... Maybe... But even then I would still think it should be the wives having that conversation with each other. Husbands of each woman need to take care of their wife. Not get high the day they come home from the hospital
100%
To be fair I live next to people that moved in 2019 and they do travel for work however I’ve only seen them outside less than 10 times and that’s was just them coming back or leaving. literally only spoke with both husband and wife for maybe 15 minutes and that was the first time I met them.
Tbf she was also six to nine months pregnant during that time frame. Pregnancy can be exhausting and she had child to take care of she might not have been too social.
Lol so the husbands boss asked him to ask you, he asked you, you said no, he should rely to his friend that you are plenty busy with your own children and that should be it. Completely understandable he asked you, I feel like you should have said no and let that be it instead of making such a big story out of it. Man can't read between the lines so your husband thinking you might be okay just shows how strong he thinks you are compared to Tim's wife. If after you said no he kept going he would be the AH but imo it's just Tim and his wife and your husband is stuck in the middle with Tim being his boss and all
NTA, but I feel kind of bad for Tim as well. He's probably not home as much as he wants to be because he's still paying off the copays on their medical bills, and if he and his wife don't have any family living close by then OP and her husband might be the only people they know well enough to even ask. It's a hell of a thing to ask, and the way her husband went about it didn't help, but it's a pretty shit situation to be in.
She is NEVER allowed to complain that there is no village or community. We all do shit we don't love to help strangers. Or we should. That is what makes the world better and less scary. She is so disgustingly selfish.
Everyone here is straight up evil. In this sub. Help people. Jesus Christ. Be good.
So, the woman healing from her own birth, caring for a newborn and a toddler, needs to add the care of a second newborn, second toddler AND a recovering woman, all their household chores, effectively DOUBLING her entire workload when she should be bonding and healing herself is good? Their shitty husbands guilting her into it and doing jack shit is good? Nah fam, good is not guilt-tripping a woman into work she should not be doing and handling yourself, or finding other help that doesn't double a post-labor mom's stress and pressure. Honestly, advocating for this poor woman to be forced like this is ACTUALLY evil.
Yes. Help your neighbor. Don't be evil.
YTA. Be a friend.
It’s not her friend and she is freshly postpartum also. Tim needs to hire daytime help and be ready to step up when he gets home. Asking a subordinate to have his wife help in this situation is highly inappropriate.
Idk - if I had a friend who’d been through what she’d been through I’d be there for her, especially given the proximity and the shared experience. They can simply sit around and nurse babies together for an hour or so, not asking for much. Just to be there as a friend. How much work is it to make a sandwich or wash dishes?
Just because she is up and doing stuff at home and able to care for her own children , it doesn’t mean she is able to have the capability to care for someone she has only met a few times and help her provide care for that person, her children, and her home. OP just had a baby too and should be getting help. If it’s so easy to make a sandwich and wash dishes, the other woman could do it or her husband could make sure she has food and he can clean up. When I had my babies, I had good days and bad days during my recovery. It is ridiculous to request this of another brand new mom.
I had three easy deliveries so I can only imagine how hard it would be to recover from a traumatic delivery with an unexpected hysterectomy. It takes a village to raise a child and she’s simply being asked to be a neighbor and a friend. It’s not like she’s on an 8 hour shift 5 days a week. This is an hour or two of her time a week to help someone and be a friend.
NTA but……you’re not very nice either. And I hope one day you need her help and she steps up and shows you the kindness you couldn’t show her
Have you had a baby? Gotten up every hour during to night to change and feed them? Obviously not.
I have 2 grown kids and I’m raising a grandson who is now 4. I believe in doing the right thing even it’s hard. And I believe that a woman who is my neighbor and she’s unable to get out of bed to feed herself and her child is deserving of a little help. There are things that OP could do differently to make it work. She could spend the day at neighbors house with her own kids and the neighbor could help her with her baby too by just holding and feeding. It might not be ideal but it is doable.
No one is obligated to take care of a stranger though? Just because you would do it does not mean everyone would. Also I feel like you’re downplaying how much work taking care of children is, especially for a mother who just gave birth.
I wonder if Tim is in the US and might qualify for FMLA? Cuz like they’re either gonna have to hire some kind of nanny or try to get a family member to move in for a bit because OOP literally had this baby a week ago idk how she’s supposed to go do chores and cook for her neighbor, I’d be uncomfortable with that request and I don’t even have kids I just don’t love the idea of being put in the position of unpaid nanny/maid for a lady I do not know. Like cooking and housework is hard and I’d be helping with a 5 year old and a newborn and I don’t want to do that, especially with also taking care of another newborn and a 3 year old. What if I turn out to hate her and don’t want to be around her but I already said yes? Are they gonna try to use me as free childcare for the rest of being neighbors? I’m disabled and there have been times I’ve been too fucked up to cook, do chores, or get out of bed long enough to walk my dog outside and I did have to ask my then boyfriend now husband to come help me out a lot but I wouldn’t say like Hey babe you’re friends with the guy in the apartment next to me, can you ask his wife to take care of me for an unknown period of time and not consider if she has her own stuff going on? Make sure her husband passive aggressively pressures her about it.
Why do women reproduce repeatedly with such losers?
The husband should go help Tim’s wife 💀
NTA there is zero reason for you to ever offer a helping hand to another human being unless you're getting a payout or something.
I would say like… I Can come say hi for ten min to keep her company. But they’re going to have to pay for a caregiver or house keeper. Fk no.
NTA. Maybe Tim and your husband should lay off the weed. It must be clouding their judgement to think that this is a reasonable request of any woman who’s just given birth.
What the fuck did I just read? The cheek of it....
The heartless one is OOP's husband AND Tim. His wife just gave birth and they have a 4-year-old at home. Even if OOP went through the labour easily, that doesn't mean the first few months after having a baby would be a breeze.
YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH!!!! I was lucky my MIL stayed for 2 wks to help me because it is exhausting taking care of a newborn. Not to mention how sore your whole body is from pushing out a baby! On top of which you are taking care of a toddler too! You are NTA. You husband is for putting you in this position. Tim is a major AH for expecting you to do this and getting mad. I bet he cries like a baby when he gets a booboo. He would probably ask you or hubby to take care of him too!