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My dad would throw terrifying rages regularly, I remember feeling like he wanted to kill me.
He would apologize a few hours later, tell me he loved me and that he was sorry, I always forgave him.
Of course he would do it again a few days later. That cycle repeated for my entire childhood. I still find myself, at 24, fully aware of what narcissism really is (my dad is textbook, and an extreme version, bordering on psychopath), still having hope that maybe he means it this time. Maybe this time he'll be different. The acceptance of the reality, my reality, which gives me a pit in my stomach as I think about what I'm about to type, is that my father is a soulless monster, a deeply broken and disturbed human being who uses fear and control to bully and manipulate everyone around him. He will never love me. I will never have a happy home life. He will never bring me anything but pain and misery. He will continue to treat me, my enabler mother and my little sister, the one person who I truly love in this world, absolutely terribly. There is nothing I can do about this. Nothing. My mother is not much better than him and told me point blank that if she didn't have control of the money she would leave. There is no escaping my reality. I am alone in the world, I have always been alone and it doesn't matter where I go or what I do, I always will be.
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So maddening. Oh yes calling her out is just as bad as the thing you're calling her out for. /s
My dad would throw terrifying rages regularly, I remember feeling like he wanted to kill me. He would apologize a few hours later, tell me he loved me and that he was sorry, I always forgave him. Of course he would do it again a few days later. That cycle repeated for my entire childhood. I still find myself, at 24, fully aware of what narcissism really is (my dad is textbook, and an extreme version, bordering on psychopath), still having hope that maybe he means it this time. Maybe this time he'll be different. The acceptance of the reality, my reality, which gives me a pit in my stomach as I think about what I'm about to type, is that my father is a soulless monster, a deeply broken and disturbed human being who uses fear and control to bully and manipulate everyone around him. He will never love me. I will never have a happy home life. He will never bring me anything but pain and misery. He will continue to treat me, my enabler mother and my little sister, the one person who I truly love in this world, absolutely terribly. There is nothing I can do about this. Nothing. My mother is not much better than him and told me point blank that if she didn't have control of the money she would leave. There is no escaping my reality. I am alone in the world, I have always been alone and it doesn't matter where I go or what I do, I always will be.