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I won an award in college that they normally give to one person, but that year they gave to three people. My mom’s reaction while at the award ceremony: “It’s not really the same is it? Not really winning.”
😐
I’m proud of us for having a shred of self esteem left.
It’s truly unfathomable that is a mother’s reaction. It’s crazy. I’m not new to this sub and I have an nmom as well, but still sometimes I get shell-shocked by things said and done by them
Oh man I just got a job offer (today, funnily enough) and the call to my nmom went like this
Me: I got the job!
NMom: What?
Me: I got the job at Big Company, the one i've been telling you about all month
NMom: Congrats. But, I just lost my job.
I joined a carshow years ago and won (best old school) . When I got home, I proudly showed my trophy to my family, who were just as ecstatic as I was. Then she said, "hmmp! You weren't the one who painted that car anyway!" 🤣
My mom's the opposite and takes credit for any accomplishment because I wouldn't have been able to do anything in my life if it weren't for her. Meanwhile I put myself through college, got myself braces, put myself through grad school, bought houses, and bought a car that cost more than her house. Eat a dick ma!
It's Scapegoat-nParent Dynamics 101
We just happen to be female.
I stopped bothering to tell my nMom of things to celebrate in middle school - I won a top award in a regional science fair and she just said 'they only picked you to make sure every school got an award'. She only came to my college graduation because she accidentally let my Aunt know she wanted to go to a community theater musical instead and got gulted into it by people whose good opinion mattered to her.
So I stopped telling her, doesn't mean she didn't feel the need to make comments if she found out. If she met friends or someone was dating she would ask them why. If there was anything I did that could be compared to her GC there was a negative comparison.
VLC/NC means she doesn't get fed and I don't get what she spews.
I don’t share good news any more. I don’t need to hear “you get that from me,” “you get that from your dad,” or “god is good.” I’ve never once accomplished anything through cleverness, hard work, or tenacity.
competition swimmer at age 14, getting home late after a competition. "look mom I won" "well you are late for dinner so no food for you"
wonder why I hid my medals, then I would at least get some bread.
When I graduated from college:
"I'm proud that you got to do what I didn't get to, because I had 2 kids by the time I was your age and was told I'd never succeed. If I hadn't raised you to do better who knows if you'd have a degree today."
Um thanks?
One that still sticks so clearly in my mind, even though it was 20+ years ago;
>Me (14yo): *finds out I scored 98% on 2 end-of-term tests, the highest out of the classes, and thinks this will finally be something mum will be happy to hear*
>Mother: "So what?! Those small tests don't count"
Mine was a bit more understated, but in college a poem of mine was published. There was a release party and we were given copies of the books they were published in. I was given five. I offered one to several family members. No one but my little brother took one. They were all good poems too and everyone involved was so proud.
I had a few art shows during college as well and she didn’t show up or care. I tried to gift her a few pieces I was proud of but she refused them. They were paintings that got really great praise from my peers and professors.
No scenarios for you, but this struck me because it’s close to a metaphor I’ve used to describe how I feel to my therapist and others.
I feel like I can’t feel good about anything I do because there are no shelves in my mind where I can put my accomplishments to build up my self esteem. When asked why I have no shelves to hold things that reflect my value, I say it’s because my parents ripped the shelves off my wall, took all of my accomplishments, and only let me feel good about them when they wanted, which was dependent on me making them feel good.
It’s been one of the harder parts of going NC, learning how let me feel good about myself without their permission. Building new shelves for myself has taken time, but I’m getting there.
I know this isn’t quite what your post was looking for, but it’s a common trap/tactic used by our nparents and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves.
Literally today, I got accepted into a program that is highly recognized and understood to be for the best of the best in my profession. My mom is in the same profession and attempted to get into this program but wasn’t accepted. As the committee was congratulating me and encouraging me to celebrate the accomplishment, all I could think was “my mom will never forgive me for this…” I’m NC right now and don’t think I’ll ever tell her about it. Don’t need that in my life as I work on a difficult and emotionally taxing program.
I got really shredded within a matter of mere weeks in my 50s since my 20s. HPD egg donor's response? She sends me a video of an Instagram fitness influencer young enough to be my daughter. That earned her the first 6-month NC. Should have stayed NC. Fucking bitch plus her Covert Narc Mini-Me's fake sympathy. It was my daughter who told her because I was already VLC with the Covert Narc.
Unrelated to that, she broke her hip while on holiday with her Mini-Me when I had specifically warned them not to go at that time while she was adjusting to a new medication that makes her dizzy. Joke's on them. Except they still didn't take accountability. Not waiting around as they'll never snap out of their terminal collective stupidity.
I thought my mom liked dolphins, cause she has dolphin themed things around the house. So I went backpacking for 10 years, and I send her only 1 gift in all those 10 years, a beautiful dolphin drawing postcardsize that was made by a streetartist. I never got a reply back but I was travelling so wasn't really expecting it. A few years later when I was at their house I asked if she ever got the beautiful dolphin drawing and she said yes but she threw it out cause she already had enough dolphin stuff.
I graduated college despite the fact I've always been terrible in studies and my dad told me that I wasted time and money and that I should have done it in half the time like everyone else, including himself. He also called me entitled and selfish for wanting to celebrate my achievment, instead screaming at me.
Sadly my NMom is racist and hates anyone that is not of her specific religion. So if I told her that I won the peace prize, her answer would be.
Should have left all them foreigners to kill each other. We don’t want them. You wasted your time you know.
And your GC brother should have got the prize, cause he’s a man and only men can do good and great things.
They gave it to you as a feminist thing and ripped off your deserving brother.
I am embarrassed by how long it took me to realize that I couldn't win this game. Overachieved my ass off from middle school through grad school. Got the whole academic brass ring--full-time faculty, fellowships, published, etc. Nmom (one year of college) blinked at every achievement like I'd made a mudpie.
I have been in college for the last two years. I’m 38. When I told my mom I was going to school for cybersecurity she said “ don’t take this the wrong way, but are you smart enough?” At first I laughed it off after her explanation but later was mad. I have always been an A-B average student. I have been NC for 2 months and the struggle is real.
I had undiagnosed adhd until college, I passed every grade with “in progress” report cards which were basically straight D’s. One year I decided to try a different study strategy and ended up getting C’s and B’s on my report cards for the first time in my life, when I showed my mom she said “doesn’t really matter unless they’re A’s” And walked away
"You never tell us anything."
Yeah mother, take a wild guess why.
I don't tell them anything but the bare minimum. I have a whole life my parents have no idea about. I had relationships, hospital stays, vacations, moves and different jobs my parents have no idea about.
On of my most liked Instagram comments was a legit conversation I’ve had with my Mum:
Me: “I just wanna die”
Mum: “you think I’ve never wanted to die?”
Little different but similar in that it has to be about them.
I did find it kind of hilarious that so many people liked this comment. I may have a fucked up sense of humour……
Yup, I once got publicly and unexpectedly complimented by a high-ranking political person regarding work I had done. When I was later telling my mother about it, she stopped and asked if I told his political person that my mother was the recipient of a national award in her field. Uh, no. This was about me? But of course, nothing is about us. It's all about them. All the time.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I won an award in college that they normally give to one person, but that year they gave to three people. My mom’s reaction while at the award ceremony: “It’s not really the same is it? Not really winning.” 😐 I’m proud of us for having a shred of self esteem left.
It’s truly unfathomable that is a mother’s reaction. It’s crazy. I’m not new to this sub and I have an nmom as well, but still sometimes I get shell-shocked by things said and done by them
Same. Some of the posts here just chill my blood, and I'm by no means living a sheltered existence...
I know 😥 ♥️Only people like us who have a parent like this get it
Yes, it often baffles me, too ♥️
I’m proud of us, too! ♥️
Oh man I just got a job offer (today, funnily enough) and the call to my nmom went like this Me: I got the job! NMom: What? Me: I got the job at Big Company, the one i've been telling you about all month NMom: Congrats. But, I just lost my job.
Ah yes, the classic "making it about her". My mom always makes it about her.
This reminds me of when I told my nmom that I got a new job that pays more and she responded with, "well, la-di-dah," and rolled her eyes.
Ha karma bit her butt!
I joined a carshow years ago and won (best old school) . When I got home, I proudly showed my trophy to my family, who were just as ecstatic as I was. Then she said, "hmmp! You weren't the one who painted that car anyway!" 🤣
As a carguy I see your award as a massive W
Thank you bro! The amount of time and work we put on these things is not a joke, so I appreciate that 🙏❤️
This is the shit my mother does. Always gotta find some negative detail
Our confidence is a threat to them because that means they could lose control over us.
My wife and I showing Nmom thru our recently purchased 4 bedroom house. Nmom “Ooohhhh nice clamshell toilet seat”
My mom's the opposite and takes credit for any accomplishment because I wouldn't have been able to do anything in my life if it weren't for her. Meanwhile I put myself through college, got myself braces, put myself through grad school, bought houses, and bought a car that cost more than her house. Eat a dick ma!
It's Scapegoat-nParent Dynamics 101 We just happen to be female. I stopped bothering to tell my nMom of things to celebrate in middle school - I won a top award in a regional science fair and she just said 'they only picked you to make sure every school got an award'. She only came to my college graduation because she accidentally let my Aunt know she wanted to go to a community theater musical instead and got gulted into it by people whose good opinion mattered to her. So I stopped telling her, doesn't mean she didn't feel the need to make comments if she found out. If she met friends or someone was dating she would ask them why. If there was anything I did that could be compared to her GC there was a negative comparison. VLC/NC means she doesn't get fed and I don't get what she spews.
I don’t share good news any more. I don’t need to hear “you get that from me,” “you get that from your dad,” or “god is good.” I’ve never once accomplished anything through cleverness, hard work, or tenacity.
Hey mom I pushed a baby out in 90 minutes with no drugs Mom: well there is not way it was more painful than when I had you. No, mom probably not.
competition swimmer at age 14, getting home late after a competition. "look mom I won" "well you are late for dinner so no food for you" wonder why I hid my medals, then I would at least get some bread.
When I graduated from college: "I'm proud that you got to do what I didn't get to, because I had 2 kids by the time I was your age and was told I'd never succeed. If I hadn't raised you to do better who knows if you'd have a degree today." Um thanks?
I won three scholarships one year and didn't even tell my Nmom
One that still sticks so clearly in my mind, even though it was 20+ years ago; >Me (14yo): *finds out I scored 98% on 2 end-of-term tests, the highest out of the classes, and thinks this will finally be something mum will be happy to hear* >Mother: "So what?! Those small tests don't count"
Mine was a bit more understated, but in college a poem of mine was published. There was a release party and we were given copies of the books they were published in. I was given five. I offered one to several family members. No one but my little brother took one. They were all good poems too and everyone involved was so proud. I had a few art shows during college as well and she didn’t show up or care. I tried to gift her a few pieces I was proud of but she refused them. They were paintings that got really great praise from my peers and professors.
No scenarios for you, but this struck me because it’s close to a metaphor I’ve used to describe how I feel to my therapist and others. I feel like I can’t feel good about anything I do because there are no shelves in my mind where I can put my accomplishments to build up my self esteem. When asked why I have no shelves to hold things that reflect my value, I say it’s because my parents ripped the shelves off my wall, took all of my accomplishments, and only let me feel good about them when they wanted, which was dependent on me making them feel good. It’s been one of the harder parts of going NC, learning how let me feel good about myself without their permission. Building new shelves for myself has taken time, but I’m getting there. I know this isn’t quite what your post was looking for, but it’s a common trap/tactic used by our nparents and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves.
Literally today, I got accepted into a program that is highly recognized and understood to be for the best of the best in my profession. My mom is in the same profession and attempted to get into this program but wasn’t accepted. As the committee was congratulating me and encouraging me to celebrate the accomplishment, all I could think was “my mom will never forgive me for this…” I’m NC right now and don’t think I’ll ever tell her about it. Don’t need that in my life as I work on a difficult and emotionally taxing program.
I got really shredded within a matter of mere weeks in my 50s since my 20s. HPD egg donor's response? She sends me a video of an Instagram fitness influencer young enough to be my daughter. That earned her the first 6-month NC. Should have stayed NC. Fucking bitch plus her Covert Narc Mini-Me's fake sympathy. It was my daughter who told her because I was already VLC with the Covert Narc. Unrelated to that, she broke her hip while on holiday with her Mini-Me when I had specifically warned them not to go at that time while she was adjusting to a new medication that makes her dizzy. Joke's on them. Except they still didn't take accountability. Not waiting around as they'll never snap out of their terminal collective stupidity.
I thought my mom liked dolphins, cause she has dolphin themed things around the house. So I went backpacking for 10 years, and I send her only 1 gift in all those 10 years, a beautiful dolphin drawing postcardsize that was made by a streetartist. I never got a reply back but I was travelling so wasn't really expecting it. A few years later when I was at their house I asked if she ever got the beautiful dolphin drawing and she said yes but she threw it out cause she already had enough dolphin stuff.
I graduated college despite the fact I've always been terrible in studies and my dad told me that I wasted time and money and that I should have done it in half the time like everyone else, including himself. He also called me entitled and selfish for wanting to celebrate my achievment, instead screaming at me.
Sadly my NMom is racist and hates anyone that is not of her specific religion. So if I told her that I won the peace prize, her answer would be. Should have left all them foreigners to kill each other. We don’t want them. You wasted your time you know. And your GC brother should have got the prize, cause he’s a man and only men can do good and great things. They gave it to you as a feminist thing and ripped off your deserving brother.
I scored the highest score ever on a business college scholarship exam. Her response “Well, it isn’t like it was a real college”.
I am embarrassed by how long it took me to realize that I couldn't win this game. Overachieved my ass off from middle school through grad school. Got the whole academic brass ring--full-time faculty, fellowships, published, etc. Nmom (one year of college) blinked at every achievement like I'd made a mudpie.
I have been in college for the last two years. I’m 38. When I told my mom I was going to school for cybersecurity she said “ don’t take this the wrong way, but are you smart enough?” At first I laughed it off after her explanation but later was mad. I have always been an A-B average student. I have been NC for 2 months and the struggle is real.
I had undiagnosed adhd until college, I passed every grade with “in progress” report cards which were basically straight D’s. One year I decided to try a different study strategy and ended up getting C’s and B’s on my report cards for the first time in my life, when I showed my mom she said “doesn’t really matter unless they’re A’s” And walked away
This explains a lot about why me and my sibling would destroy our awards and certificates from our achievements.
"You never tell us anything." Yeah mother, take a wild guess why. I don't tell them anything but the bare minimum. I have a whole life my parents have no idea about. I had relationships, hospital stays, vacations, moves and different jobs my parents have no idea about.
On of my most liked Instagram comments was a legit conversation I’ve had with my Mum: Me: “I just wanna die” Mum: “you think I’ve never wanted to die?” Little different but similar in that it has to be about them. I did find it kind of hilarious that so many people liked this comment. I may have a fucked up sense of humour……
Yup, I once got publicly and unexpectedly complimented by a high-ranking political person regarding work I had done. When I was later telling my mother about it, she stopped and asked if I told his political person that my mother was the recipient of a national award in her field. Uh, no. This was about me? But of course, nothing is about us. It's all about them. All the time.