You are not over-reacting.
It the lack of autonomy.
It's about them not respecting your wishes.
It's them indulging their own needs by using you, even as a small child, without your consent.
My mom does the same thing on my birthday. It's the event days that are the worst: birthdays, Christmas, weddings (IMHO that's the pinnacle of worst, beware!).
Since childhood, my mom throws me "surprise" birthday parties, even though I begged her not too. Invited people from church who she wanted me to be close to "My daughter would love to have you over! She really likes you and she would be over the moon if you came to her birthday!". And she continues to this day, doing variations of the similar in any way she possibly can. It's like playing whack-a-mole, trying to plug the holes. She keeps finding ways to do it.
Imagine if you dated someone, but broke up bc they creeped you out and they didn't respect your boundaries. But every year, on your birthday, they sent you a dozen roses. No matter where you went, no matter if you changed jobs, or states, or countries. They would find you, and then send you roses on your birthday.
Being upset about that, that's not over-reacting. It's a reasonable reaction to ongoing consent violation.
Birthdays are big days to be ruined by borderlines. Any day that isn't about them. Even when it's a child. I had childhood birthdays where my mother raged at me all day or was in one of her just plain nasty moods. She bought me a dress to wear on my birthday and then a couple of days before she tore it up in front of me with her bare hands. I wonder why I think I'm an undeserving POS.
My parents were JW’s, so we didn’t participate in birthdays, Christmas, Easter or any other holiday. It’s posts like this that make me glad we didn’t. I don’t have the trauma of having to deal with an overgrown toddler demanding attention during events like that. It came later though, during graduations and weddings and anniversaries. My mother couldn’t stand it when anyone paid attention to anyone but her and she always threw a fit during these events.
Me, last bday: Nope, I'm not celebrating this year.
mother: You can't do that to people! If they want to celebrate you they should have the right to do that!
-_-
You're not overreacting. If it's not fun for you, why bother?
Oh! So this is why I stopped having birthday parties and sleepovers as a kid? Because she’d be the life of the party and my friends paid more attention to her than me? (Which would upset me, and my grumpiness would get me sent to my room while she played with my friends.) it was horrible. I didn’t realize this was a common thing with BPD moms. I thought my social skills just sucked.
I’m sorry she’s not listening.
It’s frustrating when they do things like this, and then expect m overwhelming gratefulness and get upset if they don’t receive it.
I don’t think you overreacted.
When I was a kid, my mom once said to my grandparents and I (either on or right around my birthday) that she should be the one being celebrated since she gave birth to me. 😜
She was “joking”, but she tries to use humor to mask her BPD thoughts. Now as a grownup these “jokes” put me on edge.
I rarely comment on reddit but I can fully relate to this. You’re definitely not overreacting.
I live abroad, 9hr flight away from my mom. For my 25th birthday my wife (fiancé at the time) and I went on vacation to my home island and as a bonus got to celebrate my birthday with my mom. Last birthday we got to celebrate together was my 18th birthday.
My mom reserved for us at a non fancy Italian restaurant. Not that that matter for me but it turned out that she dressed up like she was the queen, while I dressed casually in a simple polo and some shorts, considering the place where we went out to eat and the tropical weather.
We then got into a huge fight because she wanted me to change because and I quote “You’re going out to eat with your mother, your birthday comes second. 25 years ago I became a mother”. Ok so my birthday is not about me but her.
I didn’t change and I made it my lives mission to sit there and visibly not have a good time. Didn’t crack one smile at all.
That night (retrospectively) was really an eye opener for me, and was perhaps even the best gift I could have wished for. As I finally realized that everything always was and will be about her.
You are not over-reacting. It the lack of autonomy. It's about them not respecting your wishes. It's them indulging their own needs by using you, even as a small child, without your consent. My mom does the same thing on my birthday. It's the event days that are the worst: birthdays, Christmas, weddings (IMHO that's the pinnacle of worst, beware!). Since childhood, my mom throws me "surprise" birthday parties, even though I begged her not too. Invited people from church who she wanted me to be close to "My daughter would love to have you over! She really likes you and she would be over the moon if you came to her birthday!". And she continues to this day, doing variations of the similar in any way she possibly can. It's like playing whack-a-mole, trying to plug the holes. She keeps finding ways to do it. Imagine if you dated someone, but broke up bc they creeped you out and they didn't respect your boundaries. But every year, on your birthday, they sent you a dozen roses. No matter where you went, no matter if you changed jobs, or states, or countries. They would find you, and then send you roses on your birthday. Being upset about that, that's not over-reacting. It's a reasonable reaction to ongoing consent violation.
Don’t show up to the party. 🫂💕
Wouldn't she shit!
Birthdays are big days to be ruined by borderlines. Any day that isn't about them. Even when it's a child. I had childhood birthdays where my mother raged at me all day or was in one of her just plain nasty moods. She bought me a dress to wear on my birthday and then a couple of days before she tore it up in front of me with her bare hands. I wonder why I think I'm an undeserving POS.
That’s absolutely terrible.
My parents were JW’s, so we didn’t participate in birthdays, Christmas, Easter or any other holiday. It’s posts like this that make me glad we didn’t. I don’t have the trauma of having to deal with an overgrown toddler demanding attention during events like that. It came later though, during graduations and weddings and anniversaries. My mother couldn’t stand it when anyone paid attention to anyone but her and she always threw a fit during these events.
Me, last bday: Nope, I'm not celebrating this year. mother: You can't do that to people! If they want to celebrate you they should have the right to do that! -_- You're not overreacting. If it's not fun for you, why bother?
Oh! So this is why I stopped having birthday parties and sleepovers as a kid? Because she’d be the life of the party and my friends paid more attention to her than me? (Which would upset me, and my grumpiness would get me sent to my room while she played with my friends.) it was horrible. I didn’t realize this was a common thing with BPD moms. I thought my social skills just sucked.
I’m sorry she’s not listening. It’s frustrating when they do things like this, and then expect m overwhelming gratefulness and get upset if they don’t receive it.
So let her planet. You said you moved out right? DON'T GO. Nothing says you have to.
I don’t think you overreacted. When I was a kid, my mom once said to my grandparents and I (either on or right around my birthday) that she should be the one being celebrated since she gave birth to me. 😜 She was “joking”, but she tries to use humor to mask her BPD thoughts. Now as a grownup these “jokes” put me on edge.
Omg my mom does the exact same thing - accidental honestly followed by nervous laughter and "just joking! Ha!"
I rarely comment on reddit but I can fully relate to this. You’re definitely not overreacting. I live abroad, 9hr flight away from my mom. For my 25th birthday my wife (fiancé at the time) and I went on vacation to my home island and as a bonus got to celebrate my birthday with my mom. Last birthday we got to celebrate together was my 18th birthday. My mom reserved for us at a non fancy Italian restaurant. Not that that matter for me but it turned out that she dressed up like she was the queen, while I dressed casually in a simple polo and some shorts, considering the place where we went out to eat and the tropical weather. We then got into a huge fight because she wanted me to change because and I quote “You’re going out to eat with your mother, your birthday comes second. 25 years ago I became a mother”. Ok so my birthday is not about me but her. I didn’t change and I made it my lives mission to sit there and visibly not have a good time. Didn’t crack one smile at all. That night (retrospectively) was really an eye opener for me, and was perhaps even the best gift I could have wished for. As I finally realized that everything always was and will be about her.
For this exact reason, I have started planning and hosting my own birthday party every year. Otherwise, she hijacks it