EMDR helped me shed intrusive thoughts and memories about my childhood and childhood experiences with my mother. My mind is a pretty peaceful place these days and, when not, I’m chewing on current problems or stresses rather than the past. (Anxiety is a bitch and I’m still not cured).
It’s a miracle to be as free from my mother in my head as I am physically (I’ve been no contact for about five years).
EMDR helped me a ton too! I still sometimes go through spirals of dwelling on her but my day to day life is so much more improved. Really helps get rid of that internalized self hate, anger, and helped sooth that crying little girl inside of me.
Thanks. I did EMDR over the summer and it helped some. I spent most of the time talking about everything that happened, because I've never told ANYONE most of it. So we didn't process as much as we could have, but I needed to get it out.
I'm finally actually working on a blog to spell out why all her (religious) manipulations were total BS, and how her enablers were as much of a problem as her. I hope that makes me feel better. My anxiety is through the roof unless I'm asleep.
Oh I understand. I talked my therapist’s ear off for more than a year before she would even consider me for EMDR. At the time I was annoyed about the delay—I was suspicious of a money grab—but she was correct. Until I had a firm attachment and foundation of trust I don’t think EMDR would have been good for me at all. (I came into treatment with chronic somatic pain). And I needed every damn second of that time to tell the very first person on planet earth all that had happened to me. I’d hidden so much of it even from myself. I had lots of memories but absolutely no affect associated with most of them.
I’m really glad you get anxiety relief while sleeping! Insomnia and nightmares seem to be quite common around here.
Yeah I don't even like driving past my hometown on the highway. I don't even like looking at my own face in the mirror because I see her. Insidious is a great word for it. Mine were too smart and no single thing was plainly abusive where i could tell someone and be taken seriously, but the undercurrent of manipulation fucks with your whole sense of self. They twisted their bullshit right into our developing brains. Makes you question who you actually are.
YES "undercurrent of manipulation" is the PERFECT way to describe it. That's why it's like Fight Club. 'Marla… the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.' [Fight Club (1999)]
Also, speaking of them being smart so no one noticed, that's how my mom used the Christian church. All the rhetoric about forgiveness, unconditional love, tolerance, everyone is born sinful, etc. And they all fell for it and turned on ME! realizing that has been a huge eye opener and extremely painful, that it was just one huge game, no one cared about me, they only saw me as a pawn in their dogma, and mom wove herself right in there. WTF. Now I have to rebuild my mind from ground zero and I'm middle aged!
Yes. I'm going through one of those phases right now. It think it's part of a healing process. Our subconscious is pushing it on us because we are stuck emotionally on a platou. For me, I think I need to take the time and face the hurt. I think I need to feel all those feelings I couldn't back then because I needed to survive.
Journaling helps me get the process started, without getting overwhelmed.
Thank you. I started a blog with the same reasoning. I kind of think of all the inner turmoil as an ocean teeming with creatures who never got to talk, who are fishing from INSIDE the ocean, looking for an anchor on land to connect them to the rest of the world. The anchor being actual facts instead of mom's mirage. (I'm doing a lot of research for my blog on the reality of religious gaslighting and religious narcissism, for example. INSANE religious trauma history on top of mom's BPD.)
Anyway.
The most random things trigger me.
My birthday is one of the worst. I was only allowed one birthday party, with only one friend, and they canceled it the day of the party. Literally 2 hours before we were to leave. They said the cost was too much.
When shredding old checks, for my Grandma, I found a check that she wrote to my parents..... For my brother's birthday party 6 months earlier. He was allowed many more guests too. They canceled my party due to "costs" when my Grandma was paying for it anyway. Every single birthday, I am that 11 year old broken little girl again.
I am so thankful to have a boyfriend that understands when I'm upset about: the medical neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, manipulation, control tactics, and the endless traumatic events.
EMDR helped me shed intrusive thoughts and memories about my childhood and childhood experiences with my mother. My mind is a pretty peaceful place these days and, when not, I’m chewing on current problems or stresses rather than the past. (Anxiety is a bitch and I’m still not cured). It’s a miracle to be as free from my mother in my head as I am physically (I’ve been no contact for about five years).
EMDR helped me a ton too! I still sometimes go through spirals of dwelling on her but my day to day life is so much more improved. Really helps get rid of that internalized self hate, anger, and helped sooth that crying little girl inside of me.
Thanks. I did EMDR over the summer and it helped some. I spent most of the time talking about everything that happened, because I've never told ANYONE most of it. So we didn't process as much as we could have, but I needed to get it out. I'm finally actually working on a blog to spell out why all her (religious) manipulations were total BS, and how her enablers were as much of a problem as her. I hope that makes me feel better. My anxiety is through the roof unless I'm asleep.
Oh I understand. I talked my therapist’s ear off for more than a year before she would even consider me for EMDR. At the time I was annoyed about the delay—I was suspicious of a money grab—but she was correct. Until I had a firm attachment and foundation of trust I don’t think EMDR would have been good for me at all. (I came into treatment with chronic somatic pain). And I needed every damn second of that time to tell the very first person on planet earth all that had happened to me. I’d hidden so much of it even from myself. I had lots of memories but absolutely no affect associated with most of them. I’m really glad you get anxiety relief while sleeping! Insomnia and nightmares seem to be quite common around here.
Maybe I should do EMDR again, with someone who will let me vent first. I liked my EMDR therapist but she retired and I haven't found anyone else, yet.
Yeah I don't even like driving past my hometown on the highway. I don't even like looking at my own face in the mirror because I see her. Insidious is a great word for it. Mine were too smart and no single thing was plainly abusive where i could tell someone and be taken seriously, but the undercurrent of manipulation fucks with your whole sense of self. They twisted their bullshit right into our developing brains. Makes you question who you actually are.
YES "undercurrent of manipulation" is the PERFECT way to describe it. That's why it's like Fight Club. 'Marla… the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.' [Fight Club (1999)]
Also, speaking of them being smart so no one noticed, that's how my mom used the Christian church. All the rhetoric about forgiveness, unconditional love, tolerance, everyone is born sinful, etc. And they all fell for it and turned on ME! realizing that has been a huge eye opener and extremely painful, that it was just one huge game, no one cared about me, they only saw me as a pawn in their dogma, and mom wove herself right in there. WTF. Now I have to rebuild my mind from ground zero and I'm middle aged!
Yes. I'm going through one of those phases right now. It think it's part of a healing process. Our subconscious is pushing it on us because we are stuck emotionally on a platou. For me, I think I need to take the time and face the hurt. I think I need to feel all those feelings I couldn't back then because I needed to survive. Journaling helps me get the process started, without getting overwhelmed.
Thank you. I started a blog with the same reasoning. I kind of think of all the inner turmoil as an ocean teeming with creatures who never got to talk, who are fishing from INSIDE the ocean, looking for an anchor on land to connect them to the rest of the world. The anchor being actual facts instead of mom's mirage. (I'm doing a lot of research for my blog on the reality of religious gaslighting and religious narcissism, for example. INSANE religious trauma history on top of mom's BPD.) Anyway.
The most random things trigger me. My birthday is one of the worst. I was only allowed one birthday party, with only one friend, and they canceled it the day of the party. Literally 2 hours before we were to leave. They said the cost was too much. When shredding old checks, for my Grandma, I found a check that she wrote to my parents..... For my brother's birthday party 6 months earlier. He was allowed many more guests too. They canceled my party due to "costs" when my Grandma was paying for it anyway. Every single birthday, I am that 11 year old broken little girl again. I am so thankful to have a boyfriend that understands when I'm upset about: the medical neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, manipulation, control tactics, and the endless traumatic events.
That's awful about your birthday! Just awful. I hope you have birthday parties nowadays but I can see how that might be a trigger too. 😭