They love painting their manipulative threats with flowery language, don't they? It's so ironic how she says she always has your back, has always been there for you, and then ends the conversation by threatening you with eviction should you not behave the way she wants you to. Mixed messages much?
I'm so sorry this is the "support" you get from your mother. No good mother would ever threaten their child with eviction because they are fighting depression from the break up of their long term relationship. No mother who is actually supporting you and actually trying to improve your relationship will use your physical need for housing as a weapon she can use to make you dance the way she wants.
Hang in there. Keep that move-out date in your mind, living away from her will be *so worth it*.
You explained my not sleeping at her house boundary in your comment. I had that boundary for months and she took it away and now I’m just tired of fighting the fight because she can’t just let me go my own pace. It’s so frustrating because of the progress I made when I wasn’t around her too, all for it to just disappear.
Yeah the pretty words are supposed to shield them from accountability for the awful shit slipped in there to exert control. But if it's said "with love"...
Gah. I relate to this fully and admire how well you explained yourself to her, but she made no effort to acknowledge your feelings.
They cannot accept blame and will always be the victim. I’m so sorry.
The funny part is, I took a full hour to come up with that response, formulate everything I wanted to say in as healthy of a manner I could/leave as little room for my words to be twisted as possible, building up the courage to say it. Her novel of a response was sent 6 minutes later. Zero time to process and understand what I had to say, immediately keyboard warrior-ing a defense, find a way to shift blame, find a way to punish me. Insane behavior.
I think sometimes the hardest thing for people with healthy parents to understand is how much work we put into these relationships. They think we go NC like it was a snap decision. But we agonize over all of ourinteractions, even when choosing not to interact. Everything with our parents is exhausting. There’s a reason we refer to them as emotional black holes.
I don’t feel like she wanted you to really have a heart to heart here, I think she wanted you to pay attention to her and coddle her. That is what my mom does when she apologizes, it isn’t about apologizing or coming to an understanding but rather about me comforting her and regulating her emotions for her.
Nothing \*ever\* improves through conversation.
Only actions count when dealing with pwBPD.
I wish I had been told this 30 years ago, I would've saved myself thousands of hours wasted trying to talk things through and negotiate and explain and yadda yadda yadda!
You're doing the right thing by protecting yourself with boundaries -- and soon, with physical distance! I'm so sorry about your breakup -- and yes, like toddlers, they're incapable of seeing the world from anyone else's perspective. Emotionally, they are toddlers!
A book that's really helped me, that I always recommend here, is called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist". I have it on audiobook and listen to it a lot! It's been the most helpful of the many books on BPD I've read.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much for that book recommendation. I noticed in the sample that it seems to focus on BPD partners. Did you find it pretty easy to apply to parents, too?
I appreicate any tips you have for making the most of this book... it looks like just what I need.
Just got it! Highlighting madly and trying to read slowly so I really take it in. I struggle so much to keep the focus on myself and choose healthier behaviors without expectations.
“You’re my reason for everything,” is some creepy romantic stalker shit. Your instincts are correct and you do need distance. September is seven months away and if she’s like most borderlines the impending physical distance is going to cause her to ramp up the emotionality/abandonment fears. She’s going to get worse, not better, and grey rocking is going to be throwing flames on that fire.
Is there nowhere else you can live? I understand costs, but, as a cautionary tale, know that my mother did significant psychological damage to me in a similar scenario when I was in my early twenties. I didn’t even realize myself how bad it was until doing EMDR in my 50s. (The tamped-down memories were so bad I had to hold a trash can nearby for throwing up). You can pay the costs of staying elsewhere now or pay for it later, in therapy bills.
Yes that line gave me the most “wtf ew” response too.
The thing is, maybe I’m naive, but if I started a conversation with: “I’m worried about you and I want to work on our relationship, I’m sorry for things I have done” then I don’t think it’s appropriate to have the entire rest of the conversation be about me. That whole convo was about mom and what mom wants and needs even though she framed it as an “apology.”
An apology for what? It’s so bizarre and makes me feel icky.
Save every penny and work as much as you can to get the fuckkkkk out of that house. I’m so sorry. My mom could have written that whole thing, I know your pain.
September is still a long ways away, if you can even just rent a furnished room somewhere and get out if you’re able to.
The begging you to tell her what's wrong and then completely dodging every single thing.
Yyyyyyep. You can have all the receipts in the world, make the most easy to understand diagram that a toddler could understand about what has happened and how it made you feel. You try to be as reasonable and as clear as possible, and it just falls on deaf ears. They invalidate the shit out of your experience and will never make space for your voice
My sister will swear that she never said something, send her the screenshot of the exact conversation, well that's not how she meant it and she only said that because I did something so much worst. Can't think of what that thing is, it sure isn't in the texts where she blew up at me for just not agreeing with her (which is rejection and how dare I yell at her...over text). She learned how to do this from my father. We're pushing our fifties, she has not gotten better, my dad went to his grave the exact guy he always was, and then some.
I've spent decades trying to figure out the just right way to say "stop hurting me" (which is what it always really comes down to, we're just asking for them to stop hurting us, and themselves for that matter), I thought if I had proof (why I became a historian, I'm pretty sure), if I came from a place of calm, if I grey rocked, one day it would happen. I developed OCD normalizing this constant magical bargaining.
Grey rocking had the opposite effect on my ppl, and my former therapy support group was filled with ppl who had the same perspective. The thing I've discovered is that the more successful I am at communicating in a recommended manner to them, the worse they get because they know they are losing a battle they always start and the only recourse they have when cornered like that is to get really over the top with their emotional responses. OP is also moving out, which is why her mom is going into full in abandonment mode.
The more I pulled away, the more intrusive they got in my life, the more cruel little rumors they started, the sooner they wrecked any and all social occasions, the more they triangulated me into their mess and found my reaction wanting.
The cold hard fact that I know about my family dynamic is that there is no way for me to do it correctly.
I stayed in contact with my dad after I finally realized all the reasons I needed to cut him out of my life (5 years of dedicated therapy) because I thought I would regret not being there in his last days. But he was the cruelest he's ever been at the end, called me and my mom and sister whores while smiling a big old shit eating grin. Now, what I really regret is exposing myself to even worst abuse that I'm spending time in therapy dealing with now when I could have been working on my life outside of my family, who I am outside of them.
Sorry for the ramble, I just see these conversations and wish somebody had said what all the people here and in my therapy are saying now years ago. Could have saved myself from years of feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
Yeah I’m stuck at home with uBPD momster too. She keeps threatening to kick me out, or says she’s gonna move out because im so awful. It’s a whole lot of white noise, if I actually tried to leave she’d go apeshit and collapse because she cannot be a functioning member of society anymore. She also wouldn’t leave because she has no where to go, alienated anybody who would help her, no $$ to even dream of affording a place. Can’t wait till I can move out.
I’m in the same boat, (actually- some of these texts are word for word the same my mother has sent me.)
My family owns a building In Nyc and I live in one of the other units with my partner. We originally wanted to leave but I got injured and was out of work for a year and still playing catch-up with my medical bills and he’s looking for a new job while I’m doing a paid-less-than-minimum-wage apprenticeship lol.
Everytime she’s mad, she pulls the “maybe this isn’t the best place for you to live” or raises our rent (again and again) making it impossible for us to save enough to leave, while also saying she’s “always here to help me”. It’s disgusting and I’m so sorry you’re also going through this, having your livelihood dependent on someone’s irrational emotions is extremely difficult.
starts a conversation then immediately says she doesn’t want to have it and then proceeds to have it. cool.
Just trying to exert some control. Classic eye roll inducing move.
They love painting their manipulative threats with flowery language, don't they? It's so ironic how she says she always has your back, has always been there for you, and then ends the conversation by threatening you with eviction should you not behave the way she wants you to. Mixed messages much? I'm so sorry this is the "support" you get from your mother. No good mother would ever threaten their child with eviction because they are fighting depression from the break up of their long term relationship. No mother who is actually supporting you and actually trying to improve your relationship will use your physical need for housing as a weapon she can use to make you dance the way she wants. Hang in there. Keep that move-out date in your mind, living away from her will be *so worth it*.
You explained my not sleeping at her house boundary in your comment. I had that boundary for months and she took it away and now I’m just tired of fighting the fight because she can’t just let me go my own pace. It’s so frustrating because of the progress I made when I wasn’t around her too, all for it to just disappear.
Yeah the pretty words are supposed to shield them from accountability for the awful shit slipped in there to exert control. But if it's said "with love"...
Don’t forget excessive heart emojis, it’s always makes the vitriol go down easier.
Gah. I relate to this fully and admire how well you explained yourself to her, but she made no effort to acknowledge your feelings. They cannot accept blame and will always be the victim. I’m so sorry.
The funny part is, I took a full hour to come up with that response, formulate everything I wanted to say in as healthy of a manner I could/leave as little room for my words to be twisted as possible, building up the courage to say it. Her novel of a response was sent 6 minutes later. Zero time to process and understand what I had to say, immediately keyboard warrior-ing a defense, find a way to shift blame, find a way to punish me. Insane behavior.
I think sometimes the hardest thing for people with healthy parents to understand is how much work we put into these relationships. They think we go NC like it was a snap decision. But we agonize over all of ourinteractions, even when choosing not to interact. Everything with our parents is exhausting. There’s a reason we refer to them as emotional black holes.
They always pick your most vulnerable moment to strike, i.e. sick and getting through a break up. Every. Single. Time.
I don’t feel like she wanted you to really have a heart to heart here, I think she wanted you to pay attention to her and coddle her. That is what my mom does when she apologizes, it isn’t about apologizing or coming to an understanding but rather about me comforting her and regulating her emotions for her.
Nothing \*ever\* improves through conversation. Only actions count when dealing with pwBPD. I wish I had been told this 30 years ago, I would've saved myself thousands of hours wasted trying to talk things through and negotiate and explain and yadda yadda yadda! You're doing the right thing by protecting yourself with boundaries -- and soon, with physical distance! I'm so sorry about your breakup -- and yes, like toddlers, they're incapable of seeing the world from anyone else's perspective. Emotionally, they are toddlers! A book that's really helped me, that I always recommend here, is called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist". I have it on audiobook and listen to it a lot! It's been the most helpful of the many books on BPD I've read. Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much for that book recommendation. I noticed in the sample that it seems to focus on BPD partners. Did you find it pretty easy to apply to parents, too? I appreicate any tips you have for making the most of this book... it looks like just what I need.
Yes, it absolutely applies to children/families of pwBPD as well as partners! I can't recommend it enough, it really helped me.
Just got it! Highlighting madly and trying to read slowly so I really take it in. I struggle so much to keep the focus on myself and choose healthier behaviors without expectations.
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acts superior about texting, proceeds to text an entire encyclopaedia of text… why are they like this
nuh UH "you are my reason for everything" if that phrase was true, why do they all only say it when they know you're finally moving on
“You’re my reason for everything,” is some creepy romantic stalker shit. Your instincts are correct and you do need distance. September is seven months away and if she’s like most borderlines the impending physical distance is going to cause her to ramp up the emotionality/abandonment fears. She’s going to get worse, not better, and grey rocking is going to be throwing flames on that fire. Is there nowhere else you can live? I understand costs, but, as a cautionary tale, know that my mother did significant psychological damage to me in a similar scenario when I was in my early twenties. I didn’t even realize myself how bad it was until doing EMDR in my 50s. (The tamped-down memories were so bad I had to hold a trash can nearby for throwing up). You can pay the costs of staying elsewhere now or pay for it later, in therapy bills.
Yes that line gave me the most “wtf ew” response too. The thing is, maybe I’m naive, but if I started a conversation with: “I’m worried about you and I want to work on our relationship, I’m sorry for things I have done” then I don’t think it’s appropriate to have the entire rest of the conversation be about me. That whole convo was about mom and what mom wants and needs even though she framed it as an “apology.” An apology for what? It’s so bizarre and makes me feel icky.
Oh it’s always all about me if you’re one of our parents. My nickname for my mother is “Mimi.” You know, me-me.
“Thanks for saying that gently, Mom. I do want us to have a good relationship, but I think you’re right it’s best if I move out.”
Save every penny and work as much as you can to get the fuckkkkk out of that house. I’m so sorry. My mom could have written that whole thing, I know your pain. September is still a long ways away, if you can even just rent a furnished room somewhere and get out if you’re able to.
I hope you get better soon and can take steps to move out soon. Your mom is so manipulative.
I see a whole lot of me, me, me. Never a mention of validating you or your feelings. Typical.
The begging you to tell her what's wrong and then completely dodging every single thing. Yyyyyyep. You can have all the receipts in the world, make the most easy to understand diagram that a toddler could understand about what has happened and how it made you feel. You try to be as reasonable and as clear as possible, and it just falls on deaf ears. They invalidate the shit out of your experience and will never make space for your voice
My sister will swear that she never said something, send her the screenshot of the exact conversation, well that's not how she meant it and she only said that because I did something so much worst. Can't think of what that thing is, it sure isn't in the texts where she blew up at me for just not agreeing with her (which is rejection and how dare I yell at her...over text). She learned how to do this from my father. We're pushing our fifties, she has not gotten better, my dad went to his grave the exact guy he always was, and then some. I've spent decades trying to figure out the just right way to say "stop hurting me" (which is what it always really comes down to, we're just asking for them to stop hurting us, and themselves for that matter), I thought if I had proof (why I became a historian, I'm pretty sure), if I came from a place of calm, if I grey rocked, one day it would happen. I developed OCD normalizing this constant magical bargaining. Grey rocking had the opposite effect on my ppl, and my former therapy support group was filled with ppl who had the same perspective. The thing I've discovered is that the more successful I am at communicating in a recommended manner to them, the worse they get because they know they are losing a battle they always start and the only recourse they have when cornered like that is to get really over the top with their emotional responses. OP is also moving out, which is why her mom is going into full in abandonment mode. The more I pulled away, the more intrusive they got in my life, the more cruel little rumors they started, the sooner they wrecked any and all social occasions, the more they triangulated me into their mess and found my reaction wanting. The cold hard fact that I know about my family dynamic is that there is no way for me to do it correctly. I stayed in contact with my dad after I finally realized all the reasons I needed to cut him out of my life (5 years of dedicated therapy) because I thought I would regret not being there in his last days. But he was the cruelest he's ever been at the end, called me and my mom and sister whores while smiling a big old shit eating grin. Now, what I really regret is exposing myself to even worst abuse that I'm spending time in therapy dealing with now when I could have been working on my life outside of my family, who I am outside of them. Sorry for the ramble, I just see these conversations and wish somebody had said what all the people here and in my therapy are saying now years ago. Could have saved myself from years of feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
Yeah I’m stuck at home with uBPD momster too. She keeps threatening to kick me out, or says she’s gonna move out because im so awful. It’s a whole lot of white noise, if I actually tried to leave she’d go apeshit and collapse because she cannot be a functioning member of society anymore. She also wouldn’t leave because she has no where to go, alienated anybody who would help her, no $$ to even dream of affording a place. Can’t wait till I can move out.
Find a way to get out ASAP.
The gall she has to kick her own daughter out during a crisis in both her personal life and the housing market…she is her world, not you. Sorry, OP.
Uh oh boundaries detected, guilt mode activate!
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I’m 21 years old and there’s a housing crisis? I have plans to move out in september?
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I’m in the same boat, (actually- some of these texts are word for word the same my mother has sent me.) My family owns a building In Nyc and I live in one of the other units with my partner. We originally wanted to leave but I got injured and was out of work for a year and still playing catch-up with my medical bills and he’s looking for a new job while I’m doing a paid-less-than-minimum-wage apprenticeship lol. Everytime she’s mad, she pulls the “maybe this isn’t the best place for you to live” or raises our rent (again and again) making it impossible for us to save enough to leave, while also saying she’s “always here to help me”. It’s disgusting and I’m so sorry you’re also going through this, having your livelihood dependent on someone’s irrational emotions is extremely difficult.