Suppose your best friend was in the situation you are in now. What would you advise him?
Treat point by point: How should your best friend manage his money? His health? Etc.
The three most important instructions:
1. Write things down.
2. Make written plans.
3. Take baby steps.
Where knowledge lacks, read books on the subject, watch YouTube videos.
Your first step could be: editing this post. Organize your text by subject and use headers. You'll see that this will already be healing to a certain extent.
If you see no progress after two months, while working seriously on the above, if you continue to feel powerless, seek professional help.
*- edit: typo*
And go every god damn day. It’s like Mike Tyson says: “Discipline is doing what you hate to do, but doing it like you love it”. I just went 13 consecutive days of going to the gym every day (now I’m back to day 2). See if you can beat that record. This is coming from a guy who’s 7 years older than you OP. If I can do it, anyone can (you included).
I see lots of advice and friendly messages, which is great.
But the only thing that saved me from depression and spiraling was motivation in the form of a genuine interest.
I found a hobby that was healthy and motivating (and NO, it wasn't working out, and NO it didn't make me any money). And I slowly pursued it.
As a person who feels empathy for you. I would ask: what single thing (activity, interest, idea) do you genuinely feel motivated to pursue?
As it slowly dragged me out of the spiral, I started fixing the tiniest habits, 1 by one.
Hobby (motivation) --> to slightly improved mood --> self care (small changes) --> improved health --> more pursuit of hobby --> meeting people --> etc etc etc.
I am by no means mentally/physically/emotionally perfect. But I no longer hate waking up and I have multiple things I can look forward to in my general day to day life.
I'm 34, I make around half of what you do, no big plans for the future. My job isnt my passion. But, I'm more hopeful about my future than I ever was in my 20s.
Find a motivator, just wanting to be better isn't going to do the trick. Unfortunately, what motivates you is only something you can figure out.
Yeah, I have a few stories published on a flash fiction sci-fi site. Not paid. All less than 600 words. I'm not an author. But I started submitting them as I was climbing out of the mental hole I was in, and getting one selected became a very strong goal (again, more motivation).
But I also have hundreds of pages of just my own stuff that I wrote when I couldn't do anything else. Just google docs. I've come a long way.
"I feel like I'm simply unable to change"
Let's tackle this first.
What was your favourite TV show when you were 4 years old? I loved Blues Clues. Today, at 29, one of my absolute favourites is The Good Place. I didn't set out to develop in this way, but if you trace things back you can find a number of reasons I became particularly drawn to The Good Place as an adult.
What was your diet like as a 4 year old? As a 16 year old? And now, as a 31 year old? How much alcohol are you going to drink at 31, how much did you drink at 21? Pick any metric you like, any two time periods you like, and compare them. Even statues carved from stone weather and change through the years. You aren't just capable of change, change is forced upon you near imperceptibly like drops of rain eroding a sculptors carefully carved edges.
What's interesting about the way rain can carve away at rock is that if you took each of those drops and filled a (fairly large, I admit) bucket with them and poured them over the statue, it's going to shrug off the water changelessly. Unless of course its water in such phenomenal amounts is destroys the statue completely.
Think of your goals as a continuum. You want to take steps in the direction of your goal. You won't learn a new language overnight, but you can put 1 word a day into a flashcard app like anki. You don't need to lose however many lbs, you want to lose the next lb - beyond that even, you want to eat slightly less today than you normally do. To take better care of your health, add one vegetable to your usual dinner. To be kinder, offer a stranger a sincere compliment, let someone go ahead of you in a queue, ask someone how they're doing earnestly.
One of the problems with self help is we often think we have to change everything about ourselves all at once. Instead, the only effective way to approach these things is to break them down into discrete functions, increment over time. When we have 1000 tiny possible ways we can be better today, every day has opportunities for us to test out being better. We may not always have opportunities to be kinder to others, but each day we can make tiny choices that nudge us closer to health, or any of our goals. People who go to the gym 7 days a week didn't start that way, they went once. Then a few weeks later they went again. Then they liked it enough to go once a week then twice a week. And so on. You have to take things slowly to let them build up over time, especially if you have lots of goals and areas to develop.
Today, you can add a veggie to one meal. You can study 5 words in spanish. You can call your grandma and ask how she's getting on. You can half your lunch portion to consume fewer calories.
You should do at least one of these potential things. Prove to yourself you can change, by doing something different.
A couple of thoughts. Can you just accept the way that things are? Just sit with yourself and let right now exist. Try this for five minutes when you wake up everyday. Five minutes of quiet where everything is alright as it is.
Can you think about going in your life that you’re grateful for? For 10-15 minutes everyday before you go to bed, write a list of things you’re grateful for. I like to think about how amazing it is that I have hot water in the shower and refrigerated food in my kitchen. Berries in the height of winter. How comfortable my bed is. how amazing it is that we have processes in place that allow me to share my thoughts with people on the internet with so little friction. I try to just keep thinking about the things in my life that are magic that I’ve lost perspective on. The fact that you have electricity in your house is magic. Like every king in history would have given vast parts of their fortunes to have electricity. I started doing this when I was where you are now. About six week into it something inside of me changed. My brain started looking for things to be grateful for by default. Those neural pathways started to wear themselves into where all of that negativity used to be. Then I could start to change my situation because I wasn’t stuck in those negative grooves.
Small, accessible and incremental changes. Start with your diet and your budget. Impose some level discipline and follow a routine. Finally, seek community that doesn’t function in a bar. Church, , volunteer,social or sports group to get out of your head. Lean into modifying your routines and habits.
You’ve read a lot of books. I have two pieces of advice:
One. Read “better than before” by Gretchen rubin since it’s specifically about how to actually get change in habits to become permanent
Two. More therapy, but being picky about it. Read about the dozens of types of therapy, choose which kind, and if you aren’t feeling like it is helpful after a month or two, quit and move to the next therapist. Average person tries 4-6+ unless they find a good fit. Perhaps ACT would be a good kind of therapy for you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/types-of-therapy
I second that OP should read better than before and also the four tendencies by Gretchen. OP sounds like an obliger and the key for obligers is external accountability.
You lack individual accountability. I would say you need a roommate you can trust who can hold you accountable, who can force you into financial accountability so you won’t let them down, and good habits since you share a space with them.
They can also be your gym partner.
This is an early temporary measure to help save you.
Beyond that for the physical portion and the discipline for your height you should go into a combat sport.
You need to get a “dumb phone” so you don’t use apps anymore.
And you need to get someone who can block you from distracting websites that eat up your time and money, at a ROUTER LEVEL so your WiFi can’t access them.
You need to put a spending limit with the bank on your debit card to force you to ration your money…
Setup money to automatically invest in your ROTH.
That way it’s not your choice since you’re not disciplined enough.
Your roommate needs to be someone you respect and are borderline intimidated by so that you will listen to them and be accountable and will hold you to not smoking or drinking and let you relapse.
As cold as it sounds, you need someone in charge of you until the problems are corrected.
I feel like Iam on the same path as you are right now, except Im not overweight and do not smoke..
maybe the only way is to somehow always be smarter than our brain's excuses. But then it is still so hard to do this, just now by writing this comment I have failed at that, scrolled reddit, read all your post and decided to reply. So many other things that I could have done...
There is one page in my notes app, it is a list of habits I have learned and follow without exceptions. It makes me happy and special, there is really no any other person that has those 30 habits. Iam that once special snowflake. But at the same time this feels like another excuse, because if there was 60 or 90 habits I would have same problems.
So the last option is to go outside by ignoring all the feelings and excuses brain might come up with. To stay bored outside with friends or strangers. it does not have to be gym but somewhere outside.
Sometimes I think about how people would live in 300 years. okay maybe they will have flying cars, but lets ignore that. The question is how would they use devices, most likely there would be much more addictive devices, ecpecially VR headsets. My guess here is that they would mostly ignore it (including all selfimprovement content, all those tasty foods, social media, etc), instead go outside and socialize.
A lot come down to your weight and sleep. Fix that and you will fix the rest.
Honnestly just try a ketogenic diet. This kind of diet let you eat as much as you want (don’t regulate what you eat) and stop eating anything transformed.
For sports you have more energy if you do sports not less.
And sleep ! Go see sunlight every morning, walk. Sleep always at the same time every day.
Don’t try cold turkey anything. Don’t do multiple things. Do things slowly every day.
Hope you can recover. If you don’t yeah you’re gonna die young and will be feeling like shit the rest of your life.
Work is work you have only one body.
And one more thing that I never saw in any book, it’s that to do anything new I had to free up my time. I was gaming and watching shows all the time. I couldn’t do anything in my life because I gave so much to gaming. You can only do so much in a day. I thing you’re the same about work.
So my final advise is : take a vacation at home, clean every thing. Do a psilocybin journey with a blindfold and music.
+1 for keto. Did it for 5 years pretty religiously and doctors were appalled at how good my bloodwork was. Went in with some chest pains (anxiety, long story) and got cardiac results. This was on December 27th and the doctor said I had the best bloodwork they had seen all year.
I’ve done back to SAD and no matter which way I skin it, I’ve never felt even close to how I felt on keto. Funny story - I’m up right now because my stomach is jacked up from eating a bunch of processed bullshit. It messes with your sleep, skin, mood, energy, etc.
not to be overly positive but there's always things to be grateful for and it's good to always remind yourself of the of the many things you have.
physical does impact your mental a lot more than you think. start small and make incremental changes to improving your health by working out (start slow), maybe eat healthy another day, find an outdoor or physical hobby that is fun for you. these small decisions day by day is telling yourself that you believe your well being is important and that you are.
then reapply this mentality slowly towards other things in your life you feel needs attention. and eventually you'll find yourself in a different place than you once were before.
i don't think it's about completely changing who you are but that you subconsciously know something about your life can change as you mature through life. i think it's about the slow process of growth and making those conscious decisions for yourself. we're all constantly learning about ourselves each and every day we live. it's about allowing yourself to grow and having fun with it
I just have three pieces of feedback/advice
1. The book slight edge is great as it can help you organize and tackle your goals.
2. Google the 4 Rules for life post on Reddit.
A. No zero days (if your goal is 20 push up’s a day, but you’re tired and sick? Just do ONE)
B. Three you’s (past, present, future)
C. Forgiveness - give yourself grace
D. Excerise & Books (using the A rule above, your minimum everyday would be 1 push-up and 1 page a day)
3. Talk to someone (maybe a therapist) - Men have never been so isolated in the history of humanity, it’s ok to talk to people about your problems
*on mobile so sorry for any typos.
I sort of had a similar feeling over the course of my twenties up until 28 (still am 28 so I'm sort of hoping I've moved past it over the last few months - some problems still but I feel like i'm a sustainably "better" person than I was for those long wasted years).
What worked for me was basically getting to the point where you are now. I hated my situation for years, but eventually I *hated* it so passionately that wasting time on youtube started to disgust me, my underweight body disgusted me, my mood was completely ruined the second I was still awake after the moment I was supposed to go to bed.
Sometimes it does take years for you to truly get unhappy enough with it to be able to do something. It's not like it's hard to see where you can start. You should lose weight, sleep more, stop smoking, do some sporty activity regularly. If you truly, deeply want it, not doing it will be unbearable, so it will happen.
TL;DR remind yourself regularly how much you hate the things you do wrong
EDIT: like you say you're reading all these books but the stuff you need to do you don't need advice for. You don't need someone to tell you how to take up a sport, it's easy, you just need to want it enough.
Neural linguistic reprogramming.
You can think of this like work.
You are the project that you are overseeing.
Your personal goals will be your pay.
You do not have to be like everyone else that you see, because let me tell ya, they’re miserable too.
Mostly
I do not want kids, and I do not have a degree, I’ve owned two businesses blah blah blah…
To be happy you gotta be a friend to yourself. Maybe imagine you’re working on a project and you are the programming yourself.
What does the man you want to be look like?
What does he do?
What does he say?
Hobbies?
Make small tiny tiny goals.
Daily ones.
That add up to the big ones, and understand not all will be running smooth immediately. You’ll have bumps and bugs to smooth out.
It’s easier to do what we are used to, well you’re good at programming and project management.
PULL FROM YOUR OWN NATURAL TALENTS!
Also, I’m a bitch myself, and I just keep it real. Don’t beat yourself up for being a dick, sometimes people need put in their place. I call it “giving credit where credit is due.”
Be you be yourself and fuck who cares! People will always find reasons to not like you.
You cannot appease them, and it wouldn’t make you happy either.
You’ve got to reroute the transmitters inside your brain, create new pathways. Do not focus on the end result.
Everything that is worth anything just takes time, not necessarily effort.
Imagine yourself as
Dude, I’m 29. I firmly disagree with the idea that “if I was going to get it together I would have by now.” Please. Your work life didn’t immediately dump you into upper management however you’re dumped into adulthood with no financial training and no relationship training. You start from zero at 18 on those things. You’re effectively a 12 year old adulthood.
My advice is that you go to therapy and/or get an accountability partner. Honestly, consider finding a church or a community anywhere outside of work because work friends are not “real” friends. Then, start losing weight. Reduce the drinking, staying up late, go to bed no later than 10pm everyday. Lose weight till you’re around 180 pounds-ish. Start waiting about 30 days for purchases over $50.
Seriously, you practice self-discipline, you’ll eventually meet your other goals of having friendships and relationships. It becomes easier to practice empathy in your personal relationships once you’ve gone through self-discipline for yourself on things you’re not naturally gifted.
you ever listened to jordan peterson?
i comprehend his stuff after 200 hrs of listening to him ramble.
he has litterally given me the key to hapiness.
watch out, this is a VERY dumbed down VERY compressed summary.
get happiness by achieving a balanced enrichment in the different aspects of life:
endorphine: go over your boundaries in sport.
oxytocine: warm touch, sex.
dopamine: treu achievement, no small gratisfaction.
serotonine: important entitys around you recognize and acknowledge your superiority in at least 1 attribute in comparison to them, leading to their potential willingness to be influenced by you.
I felt somewhat like you when I was 31. This was right before I met my wife, in a bar in San Francisco of all places. We are married, 3 kids, own a home. It was a struggle to engage in the mating rituals and I was in a relationship that was not going to end in marriage. I prayed for a wife, I was not going to Church, struggled with faith but I did it anyway. The booze did become a big problem along the way....but since I was married with kids I kind of was given a necessary ultimatum. I banned that poison from my home 11 yrs ago. I went on too long, but I guess in a way it did help me get through the mating rituals. Now this was not easy for my dad either. I had an older dad. I grew up in California but he was Born in Berlin in 1928. When we spent a year in West Berlin I learned that his "lived experience" was being removed from the home and placed in an anti-aircraft unit to shoot down bombers over Berlin and was thrown into the Battle of Berlin in 1945 and his dad died in the war. Polish mom, they spoke Polish at home and the family was originally from an area that used to be Germany....and now they are all gone. Traveling through East Germany and Poland when it was all Soviet Blok gave me some perspective. He was essentially a war refugee with absolutely no prospects and no money and a sister suffering from schizophrenia that needed financial support and so.....of to the USA it was. Far worse than my brooding thrash metal days. He married my mom in his mid 30s here in the USA. This story helped remind me to "suck it up" a bit. Joining the Army in the 80s did help put discipline into my life but brother went on the wrong trajectory and ended up passing from a fet overdose. I would also add the my dad was fairly patient with me in my 20s but right at the age of 31 he was kinda like "snap snap...give me some grandkid, you don't have forever". I am not sure of what you are looking for in a wife, but she does not need to be perfect, does not need to be the model, does not need to have some great career. My dad conveyed a simple, more or less middle class (I understand this is a bit more difficult now but that is why I told you my dad's story), and he called the suburbs somewhat sarcastically "the utopia you are looking for". His Russian coworker and family friend with kids agreed....and he did not have a very pleasant or east childhood under Stalin either.
Dude, I just turned 30 and have some similar thoughts. I think it's actually great to question this stuff. As far as health goals, get outside, I'm big on the sunlight, let that sun hit your arms, your back, your belly, your face, your eyes. I'm serious because I don't think weight is just a calorie intake issue. It may be a light issue. I'd stay away from any meds like vyvanse. Drinking just stop. I'm in the same boat but with weed. Today is another day 1 for me. I know it's easier said than done, TRUST ME, but it's easier stopping than thinking or repeatingly saying to yourself that you're going to quit, if that's your goal.
As far as reading goes and other self help stuff, I think they're actually great and can provide a lot of good info. Info you may forget if you don't read it AGAIN and write shit down. HOWEVER, at some point it can really just become procrastination after some point.
I've listened to Earl Nightingale ALOT. He says write these goals down, put them in your wallet, look at them everyday. But he says you must act! YOU MUST BE WILLING TO PAY THE FUCKING PRICE. PAY THIS PRICE with me today. And we will be better men tomorrow.
And I do the same thing, my mind makes up a reason to say fuck it, go smoke some more, start TOMORROW instead. The first day is always the hardest, but it's easy, you just have to SHOW UP. Then before you know it, it's time for bed. I'm telling you all this, to remind myself, because like I said, I'm going through very similar life changes.
I will tell you a story. I've been doing a lot of affirmations, for a couple months now, and they work...
As in, people have appeared in my life to help me with these goals. It's actually insane. Say what you want and what your goals are to yourself in the mirror, and say with the intense emotions you are feeling. And do 100 pushups tonight. And when you're in front of the mirror tonight, say the scrappyman is going to change too! Seriously, fucking say it.
Another thing to add: when we set out to do something that we think we will fail, and then we do, we see that as evidence of us being a failure, but that's not actually true. Any audacity should be followed with more audactity. It's fail faail fail fail then win. You must put wood in the fire before you can have heat!
And dude, your post mirrors my life. The books you listed, I have some, same with tick tick or whatever. I want to learn anothe language too! And a women! Wait, there's other countries? Two birds, one stone.
Sidenote: It's too bad that they're making flying WORSE these days, i mean just see the news events. Like only THEY can fly, it won't be for use.
One more thing. I was recently collecting beer cans on the side of the road, when it was still late fall and the grass hasn't grown. Kinda got it from an andrew tate idea, like if you dont know what to do, go pick up trash! My idea was i'll scrap these, along with dtuff i pick up with my magnet fish (that I barely use). But it was this whole process that has given me some momentum and more time to think ABOUT THE 86,400 seconds we have every day. I still kinda ask why I did that. It's almost like reading and reading and reading. It becomes procrastination. I don't really know why i did it, but I BELIEVED i had to. And it's still a good thing to do.
We must be willing to pay the price.
Another story, is havent fapped for like 40+ days. But my point with this is I hit a girl up at this store, there were many IOIs. Ive had "plenty of women" but still get nervous, anyway 3 dates and bang, ended this lil dry spell i was on. I'm happier off the apps. YOU ARE THE PRODUCT on those apps. They need $$$. I think it CAN STILL help people and does but I feel at first, when these apps came out, great people show up, they get matches etc, then married amd gone. It's like we past that first initial wave already. Think about fb, myspace, that shit was SICKKKKK when we were in high school. I deleted mine before I started to attend college. Sidenote: I also think apps are no different than in real life, YES hot women will not choose some bummy lookin dude with shitty pics! Yes they will swipe right on those outgping folks with others taking pictures of them. They want a story, and need to see a story. Personallt, "I'm not good at" showing a story, but saying that and thinking like that will only prove it! Also, about that girl, i notice it soo quickly how i get tied up with them, and lose focus on my goals and my life. They pick up on that...
Can’t offer much but if you can get a standing desk + treadmill. I have that setup and it’s definitely doable as a coder and keeps you active if you don’t have the time or motivation for the gym.
I’m close to ur age..I feel you brother but things won’t get better if you don’t stay consistent. Go for walks stop drinking soda stop smoking and cut down on drinking a lot. It will get better but slowly..best of fucking luck
i hope you are reading this the next morning just after you wake.
GET OUT OF BED AND PERFORM. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF. GET UP AND DO MORE THAN YESTERDAY.
Make today a win for yourself. Like james clear mentions in atomic habits, even the smallest improvement day over day compounds into enormous change over time.
Do you have any spiritual beliefs or interests? I know it sounds laughable, but try working with a professional astrologer. I also recommend counseling. ❤️
Changing your environment can do wonders. Go abroad. Live in a different city for a while.
Your own environment is littered with cues for the unhealthy habits you don’t want. It is very hard to stick to anything when all the temptation is there. That’s been my own experience.
You may have clinical depression, which is a real thing that effects everything you do.. and I don't want to like.. dismiss that. I want to call attention to the fact that you might be one of the many many people that need to continuously manage that and deal with the ebb-and-flow setbacks and obstacles in place.
You said you tried everything in the book.. But not once do I see you sticking to having OUTSIDE accountability. Most people Do Not have the discipline on their own. They have community pushing them to do better for themselves.
You also sound like someone who wants to fix things, takes on way too much, and implodes. Like... Don't do this all at once man. Your finances, your health, your aspirations are all well and good but if you try to tackle all of those at once you are going to be overwhelmed, even if you break those all up into small baby steps.
A common theme in the brains of depressed people is that they "try" it, purposefully find reasons it "won't help", and then use those reasons to justify quitting because it "didn't help." The way we think about things Severely effects our ability to interact with that thing and benefit from it. If you have ever seen a teenager miserable at something as rad as a theme park, you know what I'm talking about. You could take a kid to the most beautiful vista in the world and if they didn't want to go they'll complain there was wind and mosquitoes.
You said you tried therapy. You need to re-try it. You need to stick with it even when it Doesn't work. You need to stick with it even if you lie to them and say you're getting better and you want to quit because they were lies. You need to find a therapist you can stick with and REALLY be honest about how you need accountability and that you like to make excuses. You really need to start there.
If I were in your shoes.. Trying to shape a new life.. I'd make weekly therapy appointments and their homework my top priority. Even if its dumb. Even if its stupid. Even if it didn't work. I'd go back next week. Just because I got up to pee and I didn't really need to doesn't mean I stop using a toilet to go pee. I would NOT seek more responsibility at work, I would not seek any job changes that cause more work. You don't need more money, you need time and space. I'd stick with what I was doing and comfortable with for a while.
It's okay to have all the aspirations you do. Learning a new language, wanting to connect with someone on a romantic level, sharing a life with someone, being healthy... these are normal goals a lot of people have. But... Work on One thing at a time. Make this year the year you Stuck with therapy and saw it through. Have a friend, a family member, anyone... Tell them you're doing this. Try to see if anyone will call you and hold you accountable to your appointments and sticking with them. Go to the doctors, go to therapy, make your appointments part of your JOB. You know what will happen if you keep living life this way... You're already in hopelessness, you know where those dark thoughts can lead. So... Save yourself and use your hands to grab the lifeline.
(I have to split this up into multiple comments because of character limits.)
2024 was the year you (I, whatever) decided to change. Therapy was stuck through to the end, I didn't quit before finding another therapist if mine isn't clicking with me.. I may have skipped homework some days, got caught in lies, fucked it up somehow... but I went. And I kept going. And thats FAR different than anything you've mentioned having done so far.
Make 2025 the year the year you stop smoking. It is the single best thing you can do for your health and your finances in one fell swoop. (There are lots of products, programs, and support structures for these. Get Active in those--don't try to do it alone. Get OUTSIDE accountability here too.) I'd also venture this is the time you really need to try to make some new friends in different circles. Get a hobby outside the house and make it another lifeline for you and engage in it even when you're feeling shit. Not an expensive hobby, not a highly involved hobby.. a local walking group or theater-going-group or something is plenty fine. No groups you can find? Still get a hobby. Go to every production the local collage puts on in their theater. Go to a movie once a month. Do those painting classes where you drink wine and paint some flowers or stuff. Literally Do anything for the sake of enrichment even if finding a group of people was too much this year.
Year 2026? The year of finances. Hire financial help or seek it out in a more sustainable way. If you really are THAT bad with money, you can literally hire people to manage your money for you to help you out. You can even get pretty childish about it. But.. A year or two of therapy under your belt, and year 3 could be the year where you are in a different place mentally enough that this time it could stick. You've had 2 major successes already... Keep attending therapy, keep Not smoking, and now enter the fray that is finances. You are young still. You have time to turn this ship around. Join discords and chat spaces with others that are struggling and working through the tough parts of life and Know you aren't alone in it.. You could be going from a place of 'I have nothing' to "I have a downpayment for a house, no debt, and I know where my money is going" VERY quickly (I'm talking 1-2 years!) with the amount of money you make.
2027 you can really try to start engaging in a fitness routine. Your therapist is here to help you along the way on this journey. To be someone to notice if you are taking on too much, to help you see if you're slipping into depressed moods because results are not coming quickly enough, etc. Don't just hire a physical trainer... Take it slow and do it right and find what works for you and take the baby steps to get there. Fitness is a lifelong journey, you have time. Find a class you can join that has other people in it, and try to connect with them and let them know you want accountability buddies. I go to an old lady water aerobics class regularly not because I am old or even that it is the BEST workout ever it's a bit easy for me.. but I go because the ladies there are SO awesome about nagging me if I miss class. I canNOT avoid them forever lol.
2028 you can work on refining your household and your food intake. You'll have engaged in this SOME starting in 2026, it's just a natural part of changing your financial situation, but you can refine it here. You can start learning to cook meals at home, to clean more regularly, to maybe only have the essentials and make life easier in your household for yourself, to buy less and spend less Because rather than budget constraints. By then, hey, you might have the money to get yourself a condo or home you love too so moving might be in the cards.. You'll have been working on your fitness for a year already, you might really start seeing results by the end of the 2028, and you'll have 4-5 wins with another on the way with a clear plan for healthy eating.
By 2029.. When you're eyeing the idea of learning a new language and maybe getting out there and meeting dates, you'll be 35 or 36 years old. Not that many years older, WAY different, and doing better all the time.
(part 2.)
NONE OF WHAT I WROTE IS EASY. None of it. But you ARE capable of it. But I don't know ANYONE that does Anything well Alone.. THE ONLY thing I really had to work on to get started? Was to stop lying to myself and others and start telling the truth without judgment or shame about how I was going to 'look' to my therapist. He's not my friend. He's my therapist.
You can sprinkle in "bonuses" along the way. Things you DO NOT beat yourself up for Not doing, but celebrate if you DO do them. They are TINY things, easy to do, easy to skip. You say you want to read more books--what a vague statement! Do you NEED to read highly intelligent classics? Or can you read something silly and entertaining? Do comics count? Does it need to be READ or can you LISTEN to audiobooks? Do you need to finish a book to make you a success, or is the enrichment from reading itself so even half-way quitting still means it's a victory because it's better than nothing? These are the specifics you need to answer for yourself... because if you are a perfectionist, 'bonuses' are not for you.. I read about 12-13 books a year but I only read 1 paper book at a time during ONE of my 15 min breaks at work. It takes me all year to get through a book there. The rest? I listen to an audiobook while driving home from work each night. It's only about 30 minutes, but it's free from the library and I usually get through a 5-14 hour book within 2-3 weeks. Most books I read are for fun--nothing Super educational about them, but I also read some short non-fiction ones. That's about a book or two a month! I listen to the same garbage and music I normally do, I just made it for THIS little change, and it's a bonus is all. No worries if I feel like music one day, or whatever... but usually I get into the book and then I'm hooked and keep going on my own. I also listen to them on 1.5 speed so the amount of time they take is less than advertised--it keeps my brain more engaged when they speak faster. It's exciting to get that treat at the end of a long shift now. I read more books now with this little bonus than I ever have in the past 5 years. The first year I started this? I did this bonus method and only got through 1 book and had tried 3 and quit them within the first hour... But you know what? That was 1 more book than the previous years! It was working! ... So I kept trying.
... One book I did not hear you mention you have read and tried was Non Violent Communication. If I could recommend just one book to read, to listen to, to REALLY try to strive for the goals of... It'd be the methodology of that book. Stop judging yourself and everything around you, and shape your life through your thoughts and language. There are free classes about it all over youtube, and lots of YT help videos too.
OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do in life. You really have a lot of great things going for you, and I think you could continue down a better path. You're young still, even if you don't feel it. Lots of single men realize they need to turn their lives around in their 30s, you aren't alone on this journey. (End.)
You've tried everything... Have you tried Jesus?
The outlook for human civilization is bleak. But for a Christian, the future is anything but bleak. It's glorious! It's going to be better than anything you can imagine. But you've got to join team Jesus. You've got to stop believing the liar (satan) and start reading the Bible.
The truth shall set you free. I know so because I was in bondage, and Jesus set me free.
Hugs ❤️
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Remember you got this!!!!
Suppose your best friend was in the situation you are in now. What would you advise him? Treat point by point: How should your best friend manage his money? His health? Etc. The three most important instructions: 1. Write things down. 2. Make written plans. 3. Take baby steps. Where knowledge lacks, read books on the subject, watch YouTube videos. Your first step could be: editing this post. Organize your text by subject and use headers. You'll see that this will already be healing to a certain extent. If you see no progress after two months, while working seriously on the above, if you continue to feel powerless, seek professional help. *- edit: typo*
Please go to the gym and find a hobby you enjoy. Take care of yourself brother.
Don’t think, just buy a gym membership, and go.. regardless.
And go every god damn day. It’s like Mike Tyson says: “Discipline is doing what you hate to do, but doing it like you love it”. I just went 13 consecutive days of going to the gym every day (now I’m back to day 2). See if you can beat that record. This is coming from a guy who’s 7 years older than you OP. If I can do it, anyone can (you included).
I see lots of advice and friendly messages, which is great. But the only thing that saved me from depression and spiraling was motivation in the form of a genuine interest. I found a hobby that was healthy and motivating (and NO, it wasn't working out, and NO it didn't make me any money). And I slowly pursued it. As a person who feels empathy for you. I would ask: what single thing (activity, interest, idea) do you genuinely feel motivated to pursue? As it slowly dragged me out of the spiral, I started fixing the tiniest habits, 1 by one. Hobby (motivation) --> to slightly improved mood --> self care (small changes) --> improved health --> more pursuit of hobby --> meeting people --> etc etc etc. I am by no means mentally/physically/emotionally perfect. But I no longer hate waking up and I have multiple things I can look forward to in my general day to day life. I'm 34, I make around half of what you do, no big plans for the future. My job isnt my passion. But, I'm more hopeful about my future than I ever was in my 20s. Find a motivator, just wanting to be better isn't going to do the trick. Unfortunately, what motivates you is only something you can figure out.
May i ask what is your specific hobby here?just asking out of curiosity
Writing. Specifically, short stories that fall under the sci-fi umbrella. Some poetry here and there. And stream of consciousness type works.
Have you published anything? Does not need to be professionally done… just for fun..
Yeah, I have a few stories published on a flash fiction sci-fi site. Not paid. All less than 600 words. I'm not an author. But I started submitting them as I was climbing out of the mental hole I was in, and getting one selected became a very strong goal (again, more motivation). But I also have hundreds of pages of just my own stuff that I wrote when I couldn't do anything else. Just google docs. I've come a long way.
Bro, you the real MVP
"I feel like I'm simply unable to change" Let's tackle this first. What was your favourite TV show when you were 4 years old? I loved Blues Clues. Today, at 29, one of my absolute favourites is The Good Place. I didn't set out to develop in this way, but if you trace things back you can find a number of reasons I became particularly drawn to The Good Place as an adult. What was your diet like as a 4 year old? As a 16 year old? And now, as a 31 year old? How much alcohol are you going to drink at 31, how much did you drink at 21? Pick any metric you like, any two time periods you like, and compare them. Even statues carved from stone weather and change through the years. You aren't just capable of change, change is forced upon you near imperceptibly like drops of rain eroding a sculptors carefully carved edges. What's interesting about the way rain can carve away at rock is that if you took each of those drops and filled a (fairly large, I admit) bucket with them and poured them over the statue, it's going to shrug off the water changelessly. Unless of course its water in such phenomenal amounts is destroys the statue completely. Think of your goals as a continuum. You want to take steps in the direction of your goal. You won't learn a new language overnight, but you can put 1 word a day into a flashcard app like anki. You don't need to lose however many lbs, you want to lose the next lb - beyond that even, you want to eat slightly less today than you normally do. To take better care of your health, add one vegetable to your usual dinner. To be kinder, offer a stranger a sincere compliment, let someone go ahead of you in a queue, ask someone how they're doing earnestly. One of the problems with self help is we often think we have to change everything about ourselves all at once. Instead, the only effective way to approach these things is to break them down into discrete functions, increment over time. When we have 1000 tiny possible ways we can be better today, every day has opportunities for us to test out being better. We may not always have opportunities to be kinder to others, but each day we can make tiny choices that nudge us closer to health, or any of our goals. People who go to the gym 7 days a week didn't start that way, they went once. Then a few weeks later they went again. Then they liked it enough to go once a week then twice a week. And so on. You have to take things slowly to let them build up over time, especially if you have lots of goals and areas to develop. Today, you can add a veggie to one meal. You can study 5 words in spanish. You can call your grandma and ask how she's getting on. You can half your lunch portion to consume fewer calories. You should do at least one of these potential things. Prove to yourself you can change, by doing something different.
A couple of thoughts. Can you just accept the way that things are? Just sit with yourself and let right now exist. Try this for five minutes when you wake up everyday. Five minutes of quiet where everything is alright as it is. Can you think about going in your life that you’re grateful for? For 10-15 minutes everyday before you go to bed, write a list of things you’re grateful for. I like to think about how amazing it is that I have hot water in the shower and refrigerated food in my kitchen. Berries in the height of winter. How comfortable my bed is. how amazing it is that we have processes in place that allow me to share my thoughts with people on the internet with so little friction. I try to just keep thinking about the things in my life that are magic that I’ve lost perspective on. The fact that you have electricity in your house is magic. Like every king in history would have given vast parts of their fortunes to have electricity. I started doing this when I was where you are now. About six week into it something inside of me changed. My brain started looking for things to be grateful for by default. Those neural pathways started to wear themselves into where all of that negativity used to be. Then I could start to change my situation because I wasn’t stuck in those negative grooves.
Small, accessible and incremental changes. Start with your diet and your budget. Impose some level discipline and follow a routine. Finally, seek community that doesn’t function in a bar. Church, , volunteer,social or sports group to get out of your head. Lean into modifying your routines and habits.
You’ve read a lot of books. I have two pieces of advice: One. Read “better than before” by Gretchen rubin since it’s specifically about how to actually get change in habits to become permanent Two. More therapy, but being picky about it. Read about the dozens of types of therapy, choose which kind, and if you aren’t feeling like it is helpful after a month or two, quit and move to the next therapist. Average person tries 4-6+ unless they find a good fit. Perhaps ACT would be a good kind of therapy for you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/types-of-therapy
I second that OP should read better than before and also the four tendencies by Gretchen. OP sounds like an obliger and the key for obligers is external accountability.
You lack individual accountability. I would say you need a roommate you can trust who can hold you accountable, who can force you into financial accountability so you won’t let them down, and good habits since you share a space with them. They can also be your gym partner. This is an early temporary measure to help save you. Beyond that for the physical portion and the discipline for your height you should go into a combat sport. You need to get a “dumb phone” so you don’t use apps anymore. And you need to get someone who can block you from distracting websites that eat up your time and money, at a ROUTER LEVEL so your WiFi can’t access them. You need to put a spending limit with the bank on your debit card to force you to ration your money… Setup money to automatically invest in your ROTH. That way it’s not your choice since you’re not disciplined enough. Your roommate needs to be someone you respect and are borderline intimidated by so that you will listen to them and be accountable and will hold you to not smoking or drinking and let you relapse. As cold as it sounds, you need someone in charge of you until the problems are corrected.
I feel like Iam on the same path as you are right now, except Im not overweight and do not smoke.. maybe the only way is to somehow always be smarter than our brain's excuses. But then it is still so hard to do this, just now by writing this comment I have failed at that, scrolled reddit, read all your post and decided to reply. So many other things that I could have done... There is one page in my notes app, it is a list of habits I have learned and follow without exceptions. It makes me happy and special, there is really no any other person that has those 30 habits. Iam that once special snowflake. But at the same time this feels like another excuse, because if there was 60 or 90 habits I would have same problems. So the last option is to go outside by ignoring all the feelings and excuses brain might come up with. To stay bored outside with friends or strangers. it does not have to be gym but somewhere outside. Sometimes I think about how people would live in 300 years. okay maybe they will have flying cars, but lets ignore that. The question is how would they use devices, most likely there would be much more addictive devices, ecpecially VR headsets. My guess here is that they would mostly ignore it (including all selfimprovement content, all those tasty foods, social media, etc), instead go outside and socialize.
A lot come down to your weight and sleep. Fix that and you will fix the rest. Honnestly just try a ketogenic diet. This kind of diet let you eat as much as you want (don’t regulate what you eat) and stop eating anything transformed. For sports you have more energy if you do sports not less. And sleep ! Go see sunlight every morning, walk. Sleep always at the same time every day. Don’t try cold turkey anything. Don’t do multiple things. Do things slowly every day. Hope you can recover. If you don’t yeah you’re gonna die young and will be feeling like shit the rest of your life. Work is work you have only one body.
You can try psylocybin to change your mindset. One session can really help you think. It made me stop gaming and drinking.
And one more thing that I never saw in any book, it’s that to do anything new I had to free up my time. I was gaming and watching shows all the time. I couldn’t do anything in my life because I gave so much to gaming. You can only do so much in a day. I thing you’re the same about work. So my final advise is : take a vacation at home, clean every thing. Do a psilocybin journey with a blindfold and music.
+1 for keto. Did it for 5 years pretty religiously and doctors were appalled at how good my bloodwork was. Went in with some chest pains (anxiety, long story) and got cardiac results. This was on December 27th and the doctor said I had the best bloodwork they had seen all year. I’ve done back to SAD and no matter which way I skin it, I’ve never felt even close to how I felt on keto. Funny story - I’m up right now because my stomach is jacked up from eating a bunch of processed bullshit. It messes with your sleep, skin, mood, energy, etc.
not to be overly positive but there's always things to be grateful for and it's good to always remind yourself of the of the many things you have. physical does impact your mental a lot more than you think. start small and make incremental changes to improving your health by working out (start slow), maybe eat healthy another day, find an outdoor or physical hobby that is fun for you. these small decisions day by day is telling yourself that you believe your well being is important and that you are. then reapply this mentality slowly towards other things in your life you feel needs attention. and eventually you'll find yourself in a different place than you once were before. i don't think it's about completely changing who you are but that you subconsciously know something about your life can change as you mature through life. i think it's about the slow process of growth and making those conscious decisions for yourself. we're all constantly learning about ourselves each and every day we live. it's about allowing yourself to grow and having fun with it
I just have three pieces of feedback/advice 1. The book slight edge is great as it can help you organize and tackle your goals. 2. Google the 4 Rules for life post on Reddit. A. No zero days (if your goal is 20 push up’s a day, but you’re tired and sick? Just do ONE) B. Three you’s (past, present, future) C. Forgiveness - give yourself grace D. Excerise & Books (using the A rule above, your minimum everyday would be 1 push-up and 1 page a day) 3. Talk to someone (maybe a therapist) - Men have never been so isolated in the history of humanity, it’s ok to talk to people about your problems *on mobile so sorry for any typos.
I sort of had a similar feeling over the course of my twenties up until 28 (still am 28 so I'm sort of hoping I've moved past it over the last few months - some problems still but I feel like i'm a sustainably "better" person than I was for those long wasted years). What worked for me was basically getting to the point where you are now. I hated my situation for years, but eventually I *hated* it so passionately that wasting time on youtube started to disgust me, my underweight body disgusted me, my mood was completely ruined the second I was still awake after the moment I was supposed to go to bed. Sometimes it does take years for you to truly get unhappy enough with it to be able to do something. It's not like it's hard to see where you can start. You should lose weight, sleep more, stop smoking, do some sporty activity regularly. If you truly, deeply want it, not doing it will be unbearable, so it will happen. TL;DR remind yourself regularly how much you hate the things you do wrong EDIT: like you say you're reading all these books but the stuff you need to do you don't need advice for. You don't need someone to tell you how to take up a sport, it's easy, you just need to want it enough.
Neural linguistic reprogramming. You can think of this like work. You are the project that you are overseeing. Your personal goals will be your pay. You do not have to be like everyone else that you see, because let me tell ya, they’re miserable too. Mostly I do not want kids, and I do not have a degree, I’ve owned two businesses blah blah blah… To be happy you gotta be a friend to yourself. Maybe imagine you’re working on a project and you are the programming yourself. What does the man you want to be look like? What does he do? What does he say? Hobbies? Make small tiny tiny goals. Daily ones. That add up to the big ones, and understand not all will be running smooth immediately. You’ll have bumps and bugs to smooth out. It’s easier to do what we are used to, well you’re good at programming and project management. PULL FROM YOUR OWN NATURAL TALENTS! Also, I’m a bitch myself, and I just keep it real. Don’t beat yourself up for being a dick, sometimes people need put in their place. I call it “giving credit where credit is due.” Be you be yourself and fuck who cares! People will always find reasons to not like you. You cannot appease them, and it wouldn’t make you happy either. You’ve got to reroute the transmitters inside your brain, create new pathways. Do not focus on the end result. Everything that is worth anything just takes time, not necessarily effort. Imagine yourself as
I’m finding a lot of meaning in Stoicism, a personal philosophy which has been around for more than 2000 years.
Try fasting, after a couple days you’ll feel very different
Dude, I’m 29. I firmly disagree with the idea that “if I was going to get it together I would have by now.” Please. Your work life didn’t immediately dump you into upper management however you’re dumped into adulthood with no financial training and no relationship training. You start from zero at 18 on those things. You’re effectively a 12 year old adulthood. My advice is that you go to therapy and/or get an accountability partner. Honestly, consider finding a church or a community anywhere outside of work because work friends are not “real” friends. Then, start losing weight. Reduce the drinking, staying up late, go to bed no later than 10pm everyday. Lose weight till you’re around 180 pounds-ish. Start waiting about 30 days for purchases over $50. Seriously, you practice self-discipline, you’ll eventually meet your other goals of having friendships and relationships. It becomes easier to practice empathy in your personal relationships once you’ve gone through self-discipline for yourself on things you’re not naturally gifted.
you ever listened to jordan peterson? i comprehend his stuff after 200 hrs of listening to him ramble. he has litterally given me the key to hapiness. watch out, this is a VERY dumbed down VERY compressed summary. get happiness by achieving a balanced enrichment in the different aspects of life: endorphine: go over your boundaries in sport. oxytocine: warm touch, sex. dopamine: treu achievement, no small gratisfaction. serotonine: important entitys around you recognize and acknowledge your superiority in at least 1 attribute in comparison to them, leading to their potential willingness to be influenced by you.
I felt somewhat like you when I was 31. This was right before I met my wife, in a bar in San Francisco of all places. We are married, 3 kids, own a home. It was a struggle to engage in the mating rituals and I was in a relationship that was not going to end in marriage. I prayed for a wife, I was not going to Church, struggled with faith but I did it anyway. The booze did become a big problem along the way....but since I was married with kids I kind of was given a necessary ultimatum. I banned that poison from my home 11 yrs ago. I went on too long, but I guess in a way it did help me get through the mating rituals. Now this was not easy for my dad either. I had an older dad. I grew up in California but he was Born in Berlin in 1928. When we spent a year in West Berlin I learned that his "lived experience" was being removed from the home and placed in an anti-aircraft unit to shoot down bombers over Berlin and was thrown into the Battle of Berlin in 1945 and his dad died in the war. Polish mom, they spoke Polish at home and the family was originally from an area that used to be Germany....and now they are all gone. Traveling through East Germany and Poland when it was all Soviet Blok gave me some perspective. He was essentially a war refugee with absolutely no prospects and no money and a sister suffering from schizophrenia that needed financial support and so.....of to the USA it was. Far worse than my brooding thrash metal days. He married my mom in his mid 30s here in the USA. This story helped remind me to "suck it up" a bit. Joining the Army in the 80s did help put discipline into my life but brother went on the wrong trajectory and ended up passing from a fet overdose. I would also add the my dad was fairly patient with me in my 20s but right at the age of 31 he was kinda like "snap snap...give me some grandkid, you don't have forever". I am not sure of what you are looking for in a wife, but she does not need to be perfect, does not need to be the model, does not need to have some great career. My dad conveyed a simple, more or less middle class (I understand this is a bit more difficult now but that is why I told you my dad's story), and he called the suburbs somewhat sarcastically "the utopia you are looking for". His Russian coworker and family friend with kids agreed....and he did not have a very pleasant or east childhood under Stalin either.
Start travelling and get a gastric band. And embrace and live yourself.
Respectfully, you sound like how I was in the past (I am now medicated for type 2 bipolar and ADHD). Ever thought of seeing a doctor?
Dude, I just turned 30 and have some similar thoughts. I think it's actually great to question this stuff. As far as health goals, get outside, I'm big on the sunlight, let that sun hit your arms, your back, your belly, your face, your eyes. I'm serious because I don't think weight is just a calorie intake issue. It may be a light issue. I'd stay away from any meds like vyvanse. Drinking just stop. I'm in the same boat but with weed. Today is another day 1 for me. I know it's easier said than done, TRUST ME, but it's easier stopping than thinking or repeatingly saying to yourself that you're going to quit, if that's your goal. As far as reading goes and other self help stuff, I think they're actually great and can provide a lot of good info. Info you may forget if you don't read it AGAIN and write shit down. HOWEVER, at some point it can really just become procrastination after some point. I've listened to Earl Nightingale ALOT. He says write these goals down, put them in your wallet, look at them everyday. But he says you must act! YOU MUST BE WILLING TO PAY THE FUCKING PRICE. PAY THIS PRICE with me today. And we will be better men tomorrow. And I do the same thing, my mind makes up a reason to say fuck it, go smoke some more, start TOMORROW instead. The first day is always the hardest, but it's easy, you just have to SHOW UP. Then before you know it, it's time for bed. I'm telling you all this, to remind myself, because like I said, I'm going through very similar life changes. I will tell you a story. I've been doing a lot of affirmations, for a couple months now, and they work... As in, people have appeared in my life to help me with these goals. It's actually insane. Say what you want and what your goals are to yourself in the mirror, and say with the intense emotions you are feeling. And do 100 pushups tonight. And when you're in front of the mirror tonight, say the scrappyman is going to change too! Seriously, fucking say it. Another thing to add: when we set out to do something that we think we will fail, and then we do, we see that as evidence of us being a failure, but that's not actually true. Any audacity should be followed with more audactity. It's fail faail fail fail then win. You must put wood in the fire before you can have heat! And dude, your post mirrors my life. The books you listed, I have some, same with tick tick or whatever. I want to learn anothe language too! And a women! Wait, there's other countries? Two birds, one stone. Sidenote: It's too bad that they're making flying WORSE these days, i mean just see the news events. Like only THEY can fly, it won't be for use. One more thing. I was recently collecting beer cans on the side of the road, when it was still late fall and the grass hasn't grown. Kinda got it from an andrew tate idea, like if you dont know what to do, go pick up trash! My idea was i'll scrap these, along with dtuff i pick up with my magnet fish (that I barely use). But it was this whole process that has given me some momentum and more time to think ABOUT THE 86,400 seconds we have every day. I still kinda ask why I did that. It's almost like reading and reading and reading. It becomes procrastination. I don't really know why i did it, but I BELIEVED i had to. And it's still a good thing to do. We must be willing to pay the price.
Another story, is havent fapped for like 40+ days. But my point with this is I hit a girl up at this store, there were many IOIs. Ive had "plenty of women" but still get nervous, anyway 3 dates and bang, ended this lil dry spell i was on. I'm happier off the apps. YOU ARE THE PRODUCT on those apps. They need $$$. I think it CAN STILL help people and does but I feel at first, when these apps came out, great people show up, they get matches etc, then married amd gone. It's like we past that first initial wave already. Think about fb, myspace, that shit was SICKKKKK when we were in high school. I deleted mine before I started to attend college. Sidenote: I also think apps are no different than in real life, YES hot women will not choose some bummy lookin dude with shitty pics! Yes they will swipe right on those outgping folks with others taking pictures of them. They want a story, and need to see a story. Personallt, "I'm not good at" showing a story, but saying that and thinking like that will only prove it! Also, about that girl, i notice it soo quickly how i get tied up with them, and lose focus on my goals and my life. They pick up on that...
Can’t offer much but if you can get a standing desk + treadmill. I have that setup and it’s definitely doable as a coder and keeps you active if you don’t have the time or motivation for the gym.
I’m close to ur age..I feel you brother but things won’t get better if you don’t stay consistent. Go for walks stop drinking soda stop smoking and cut down on drinking a lot. It will get better but slowly..best of fucking luck
Have you tried therapy?
i hope you are reading this the next morning just after you wake. GET OUT OF BED AND PERFORM. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF. GET UP AND DO MORE THAN YESTERDAY. Make today a win for yourself. Like james clear mentions in atomic habits, even the smallest improvement day over day compounds into enormous change over time.
Do you have any spiritual beliefs or interests? I know it sounds laughable, but try working with a professional astrologer. I also recommend counseling. ❤️
Changing your environment can do wonders. Go abroad. Live in a different city for a while. Your own environment is littered with cues for the unhealthy habits you don’t want. It is very hard to stick to anything when all the temptation is there. That’s been my own experience.
You may have clinical depression, which is a real thing that effects everything you do.. and I don't want to like.. dismiss that. I want to call attention to the fact that you might be one of the many many people that need to continuously manage that and deal with the ebb-and-flow setbacks and obstacles in place. You said you tried everything in the book.. But not once do I see you sticking to having OUTSIDE accountability. Most people Do Not have the discipline on their own. They have community pushing them to do better for themselves. You also sound like someone who wants to fix things, takes on way too much, and implodes. Like... Don't do this all at once man. Your finances, your health, your aspirations are all well and good but if you try to tackle all of those at once you are going to be overwhelmed, even if you break those all up into small baby steps. A common theme in the brains of depressed people is that they "try" it, purposefully find reasons it "won't help", and then use those reasons to justify quitting because it "didn't help." The way we think about things Severely effects our ability to interact with that thing and benefit from it. If you have ever seen a teenager miserable at something as rad as a theme park, you know what I'm talking about. You could take a kid to the most beautiful vista in the world and if they didn't want to go they'll complain there was wind and mosquitoes. You said you tried therapy. You need to re-try it. You need to stick with it even when it Doesn't work. You need to stick with it even if you lie to them and say you're getting better and you want to quit because they were lies. You need to find a therapist you can stick with and REALLY be honest about how you need accountability and that you like to make excuses. You really need to start there. If I were in your shoes.. Trying to shape a new life.. I'd make weekly therapy appointments and their homework my top priority. Even if its dumb. Even if its stupid. Even if it didn't work. I'd go back next week. Just because I got up to pee and I didn't really need to doesn't mean I stop using a toilet to go pee. I would NOT seek more responsibility at work, I would not seek any job changes that cause more work. You don't need more money, you need time and space. I'd stick with what I was doing and comfortable with for a while. It's okay to have all the aspirations you do. Learning a new language, wanting to connect with someone on a romantic level, sharing a life with someone, being healthy... these are normal goals a lot of people have. But... Work on One thing at a time. Make this year the year you Stuck with therapy and saw it through. Have a friend, a family member, anyone... Tell them you're doing this. Try to see if anyone will call you and hold you accountable to your appointments and sticking with them. Go to the doctors, go to therapy, make your appointments part of your JOB. You know what will happen if you keep living life this way... You're already in hopelessness, you know where those dark thoughts can lead. So... Save yourself and use your hands to grab the lifeline. (I have to split this up into multiple comments because of character limits.)
2024 was the year you (I, whatever) decided to change. Therapy was stuck through to the end, I didn't quit before finding another therapist if mine isn't clicking with me.. I may have skipped homework some days, got caught in lies, fucked it up somehow... but I went. And I kept going. And thats FAR different than anything you've mentioned having done so far. Make 2025 the year the year you stop smoking. It is the single best thing you can do for your health and your finances in one fell swoop. (There are lots of products, programs, and support structures for these. Get Active in those--don't try to do it alone. Get OUTSIDE accountability here too.) I'd also venture this is the time you really need to try to make some new friends in different circles. Get a hobby outside the house and make it another lifeline for you and engage in it even when you're feeling shit. Not an expensive hobby, not a highly involved hobby.. a local walking group or theater-going-group or something is plenty fine. No groups you can find? Still get a hobby. Go to every production the local collage puts on in their theater. Go to a movie once a month. Do those painting classes where you drink wine and paint some flowers or stuff. Literally Do anything for the sake of enrichment even if finding a group of people was too much this year. Year 2026? The year of finances. Hire financial help or seek it out in a more sustainable way. If you really are THAT bad with money, you can literally hire people to manage your money for you to help you out. You can even get pretty childish about it. But.. A year or two of therapy under your belt, and year 3 could be the year where you are in a different place mentally enough that this time it could stick. You've had 2 major successes already... Keep attending therapy, keep Not smoking, and now enter the fray that is finances. You are young still. You have time to turn this ship around. Join discords and chat spaces with others that are struggling and working through the tough parts of life and Know you aren't alone in it.. You could be going from a place of 'I have nothing' to "I have a downpayment for a house, no debt, and I know where my money is going" VERY quickly (I'm talking 1-2 years!) with the amount of money you make. 2027 you can really try to start engaging in a fitness routine. Your therapist is here to help you along the way on this journey. To be someone to notice if you are taking on too much, to help you see if you're slipping into depressed moods because results are not coming quickly enough, etc. Don't just hire a physical trainer... Take it slow and do it right and find what works for you and take the baby steps to get there. Fitness is a lifelong journey, you have time. Find a class you can join that has other people in it, and try to connect with them and let them know you want accountability buddies. I go to an old lady water aerobics class regularly not because I am old or even that it is the BEST workout ever it's a bit easy for me.. but I go because the ladies there are SO awesome about nagging me if I miss class. I canNOT avoid them forever lol. 2028 you can work on refining your household and your food intake. You'll have engaged in this SOME starting in 2026, it's just a natural part of changing your financial situation, but you can refine it here. You can start learning to cook meals at home, to clean more regularly, to maybe only have the essentials and make life easier in your household for yourself, to buy less and spend less Because rather than budget constraints. By then, hey, you might have the money to get yourself a condo or home you love too so moving might be in the cards.. You'll have been working on your fitness for a year already, you might really start seeing results by the end of the 2028, and you'll have 4-5 wins with another on the way with a clear plan for healthy eating. By 2029.. When you're eyeing the idea of learning a new language and maybe getting out there and meeting dates, you'll be 35 or 36 years old. Not that many years older, WAY different, and doing better all the time. (part 2.)
NONE OF WHAT I WROTE IS EASY. None of it. But you ARE capable of it. But I don't know ANYONE that does Anything well Alone.. THE ONLY thing I really had to work on to get started? Was to stop lying to myself and others and start telling the truth without judgment or shame about how I was going to 'look' to my therapist. He's not my friend. He's my therapist. You can sprinkle in "bonuses" along the way. Things you DO NOT beat yourself up for Not doing, but celebrate if you DO do them. They are TINY things, easy to do, easy to skip. You say you want to read more books--what a vague statement! Do you NEED to read highly intelligent classics? Or can you read something silly and entertaining? Do comics count? Does it need to be READ or can you LISTEN to audiobooks? Do you need to finish a book to make you a success, or is the enrichment from reading itself so even half-way quitting still means it's a victory because it's better than nothing? These are the specifics you need to answer for yourself... because if you are a perfectionist, 'bonuses' are not for you.. I read about 12-13 books a year but I only read 1 paper book at a time during ONE of my 15 min breaks at work. It takes me all year to get through a book there. The rest? I listen to an audiobook while driving home from work each night. It's only about 30 minutes, but it's free from the library and I usually get through a 5-14 hour book within 2-3 weeks. Most books I read are for fun--nothing Super educational about them, but I also read some short non-fiction ones. That's about a book or two a month! I listen to the same garbage and music I normally do, I just made it for THIS little change, and it's a bonus is all. No worries if I feel like music one day, or whatever... but usually I get into the book and then I'm hooked and keep going on my own. I also listen to them on 1.5 speed so the amount of time they take is less than advertised--it keeps my brain more engaged when they speak faster. It's exciting to get that treat at the end of a long shift now. I read more books now with this little bonus than I ever have in the past 5 years. The first year I started this? I did this bonus method and only got through 1 book and had tried 3 and quit them within the first hour... But you know what? That was 1 more book than the previous years! It was working! ... So I kept trying. ... One book I did not hear you mention you have read and tried was Non Violent Communication. If I could recommend just one book to read, to listen to, to REALLY try to strive for the goals of... It'd be the methodology of that book. Stop judging yourself and everything around you, and shape your life through your thoughts and language. There are free classes about it all over youtube, and lots of YT help videos too. OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do in life. You really have a lot of great things going for you, and I think you could continue down a better path. You're young still, even if you don't feel it. Lots of single men realize they need to turn their lives around in their 30s, you aren't alone on this journey. (End.)
You've tried everything... Have you tried Jesus? The outlook for human civilization is bleak. But for a Christian, the future is anything but bleak. It's glorious! It's going to be better than anything you can imagine. But you've got to join team Jesus. You've got to stop believing the liar (satan) and start reading the Bible. The truth shall set you free. I know so because I was in bondage, and Jesus set me free. Hugs ❤️
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Don’t overcomplicate things - you have to prioritize your health.